Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.43 Repromates

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

The boys reminisce about their dwindling party days after Muggins returns to the tour hungover from a friend's wedding. Cream has some pretty firm opinions on eugenics which sees the theoretical sterilisation of himself and his own pregnant fiancé.

What's up motherfuckers, welcome to another Monday morning podcast, well I guess that's if you're a Patreon you're getting it now and if you're a tight cunt you're not getting this talk, is it Wednesday they get it? Aye. Well enjoy the free podcasts, in today's episode we talk about eugenics and I say we, me, I talk about eugenics and I tell you everyone that I think needs to die, well not everyone, there's a very long me, I talk about eugenics and I tell you everyone that I think needs to die. Well, not everyone. It's a very long list. I get into some of it.

We then also, I mean, I don't know why I have to do these introductions. I never remember conversations we have. It was a fun episode. I enjoyed talking about it. Towards the end, we have the obligatory last 10 minutes of the podcast where we just talk about how hard it is to be us

and how tight our diamond shoes are and our misery but I imagine it's kind of you know what, if you like refreshing honesty again and again and again and again and again, congratulations it's here but I think it's only going to be

probably only two more miserable podcasts and then and then you might hear a smile in my voice again. That might be fun. Anyway, enjoy the podcast. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I've thought of a new group of people that we need to sterilise. Right, so you don't want them to breed you don't want the dna to

move from but when i say sterilize i don't mean i don't necessarily mean like they're going to be bad parents but there's just something wrong with the dna and we need to stop it and it's like you can't have kids anymore because we can't allow this trait to pass on to other generations you're allowed to be a dad or a mom or wherever you want to be, but you have to adopt one that doesn't have this DNA. So it's not a personality trait then? It's like a physical... It's a personality trait you can pass on to the kid still, right? But it's the physical side of you.

It's a genetically weak thing that needs to... Like, for example, anyone... So it's eugenics. You're suggesting eugenics. I always suggest eugenics. I am a huge believer in eugenics. I'm going to clip that into a button. Please do. I think, look, hey, hey, hey,

the reason eugenics is evil is just because people have done it for evil reasons so far. I'm doing it for the betterment of humanity, said no eugenic scientist ever. Like, for example, this is the one I was going for, but anyone in today's,

anyone born after 1990 who still gets car sick, it's over. You don't get to, you don't get to be, you can be a parent. So, so far your pregnant wife can't breed. No, no. And I shouldn't have had sex with her. We shouldn't. Like, it's, cars have existed for so long. How is your brain not caught up with the fact that cars exist?

Cars have existed for longer than you, than brain not caught up with the fact that cars exist cars have existed for longer than you than you've existed how is this not how would you how in a car do you as somebody who has been alive and the entire time cars have existed does your brain go but i'm staying still but but but the outside is moving but like It's like, do you understand how genetically weak that is? Like, it's fundamentally bad. And I'm somebody that's going to be sterilised during this, and I'm embarrassed. I don't know, I just want to ask before you move on to that,

but did your wife not get motion sickness when you were conceiving the baby? No, no, she's fine with that. Up and down's fine. Of course she just went up and down all right but for some reason she just go i just i can't handle going around corners and you're like i don't this used to get you to sleep when you were a kid so at one point even then you weren't car sick as a baby right just at one point your brain devolved. Like during life, your brain took a step backwards.

It's miraculous. The sterilization that needs to take place, and I'm unfortunately going to be sterilized for this. If you bite the inside of your cheek more than five times a year, you should not be allowed to reproduce because what a horrible existence that is for anyone like if that i bite my cheek so often i shouldn't be allowed to have a son my son's gonna grow up right and he's gonna bite the inside of his cheek and i'm gonna go oh that

was me i did that i've got fat inside of my cheeks and he's just gonna have a shitty life he's gonna be having a great day one day right he's gonna he's gonna be getting married to the love of his fucking life and he's gonna sit down and he's gonna be happier than he's ever been before his wedding meal aye and he's gonna be vegan because he's gonna be fucking one of those obviously fucking again man shit man ah how do i not know that's there oh it's the inside of my face that's of course i avoid that when i chew that's what how is it possible how is it possible that your body's reaction To biting the inside Of your cheek

Is to Swell it up Let's make it bigger Let's make it a bigger Fucking target Like I understand Like if Let's say you slam

Your thumb in the door Right Your thumb swells And that's your body going Hey remember this thing I'm gonna make it bigger So you can see it You dumbass cunt

I'm gonna make this So very obvious It's gonna throb So you keep it out the way of things. But the inside of your cheek, I've bit my cheek three times in the past week, and I include the X tour in this. I've never been so close to suicide in my life. Fucking hell.

Like, it's my nothing, mate. I want to fucking kill myself every time it happens. You're already having quite a tough time. Aye. You're just trying to enjoy your breakfast. I've got to get myself out of it happens. You're already having quite a tough time. Aye. You're just trying to enjoy your breakfast. I've got to get in my saloon bed against all my better judgement.

I don't want to wake up today. Nah. But I'm going to get up and eat. There we go. And I've just chewed my face. I've just ruined my fucking day. I've absolutely, completely and utterly ruined my day.

You're such a drug addict you chew your face off even when you're not on pills. No, I see. You're misrepresenting. I'm not that type of drug addict. I hate ecstasy. That was just a joke. Chewing your face doesn't mean you're chewing your pills No I was saying That's You're misrepresenting I'm not that type of drug addict I hate ecstasy That was just a joke

Chewing your face Doesn't mean you're chewing your face But I do I've said this before I've taken my last pill And I've done my last mandate I fucking I do not enjoy

Those drugs Like I did once And then And then it's just fucking Dragon chasing Yeah I feel like They're a They're a young man's game

I was talking to a friend The cons outweigh the pros now man's game. I was talking to a friend who... The cons outweigh the pros now for me. I was talking to a friend who will remain nameless at this point because he's a massive drug dealer. Can we just call him Matty? Yeah, so Matty's a massive drug dealer. And we were talking about, you know,

the druggy fringes that we used to do. And I know every person probably you know every generation has you know oh we were the rock and roll ones we did the most drugs we did this you know we were i do actually think that was us because here's the thing drugs definitely got stronger in the past 30 years like if you ever meet any fucking pensioner who's like i used to do drugs back in the day and you're like what when you fucking used to grow weed in a fucking cupboard or you grew under a fucking bridge and it was like australian drugs back in the day. And you're like, what, when you fucking used to grow weed in a fucking cupboard or you grew it under a fucking bridge and it was like Australian bush weed and the THC,

you didn't even know what THC was back then. You just got high. Whereas if you give those people joints now, they're like, and they fool on fucking whitey. I've watched the, I've just watched the weed in my lifetime just fucking crease loads. So when people that are older than me, like, oh no, we did it back in my day.

I'm like, it's like people like fucking Nelsonelson like pills were stronger back in the day you go objectively not true objectively not true because that would that would mean i'm more proud to die on them because they got it wrong yeah like there's drugs are all stronger nowadays because we've found ways to but don't get wrong they're definitely cut with more shit and that's a different sort of debate i reckon our our drug years at the fringe should go down in infamy and by infamy i mean badness like we definitely elliot steele took three years off of his career for the way he acted one of those fringes we managed to sustain but he was just there he was well no it was our fault because we were for better or worse

and we shouldn't have been anyway but for some reason we weren't necessarily role models we were a bad influence yes we weren't pitching ourselves as role models no

but we should have at least took responsibility for having influence yes but also anyone that pitches themselves as a role model you're like you're not a role model

like don't tell me don't tell me I should follow in your fucking footsteps who are you Jesus Christ get fucked I reckon I didn't know you were a firm believer and a follower of Jesus he's he's only a good bloke should follow in your fucking footsteps who are you jesus christ get fucked um i reckon you are a firm believer and a follower of jesus why he's his whole thing a good bloke his whole thing was

follow me hey also i mean not to get too waylaid here i just want to talk about how fucking dumb christians are that jesus was a jew and preached about judaism the entire fucking day his whole thing was i'm the son of the Jewish God I'm a Jew let's all be Jews that hasn't even been lost in history no it's it they quote it in the Bible that they read and they're like okay Jesus

I'm picking up what you're putting down worship you and he's like these motherfuckers these motherfuckers oh my god that would be like people leaving after the support act being like you know what it's not what i came for but he was fucking great 50 quid well spent it's a it's it's a myth that he was uh he was actually put on the cross he he actually crucified himself just been like i i can't i can't do it i don't know how he did it but he is jesus

he could do some things but hey that was that was suicide by crucifixion. That's how Jesus died. That's how pissed off Christians made him. He was like, I'm going to defy the laws of physics and bodily movement. And then they brought him back to life. He didn't keep getting out of the cave. He kept putting himself in it. Aye.

And they kept dragging him out. They were like, come on, tell us more about this guy. The books are there there you fucking morons so not to get too waylaid where were you I can't remember I got waylaid

I let a comment on YouTube absolutely bother us the day there aye on the YouTube clip somebody was just like Humphreys needs to

stop interrupting Sloss it's giving me anxiety. And I'm like, one, it's called having a conversation. Two, if I didn't interrupt you, it would just be a fucking Twitch stream because you wouldn't stop talking. I do talk a lot. And it's like,

we're having a chat. It's what a podcast is, right? But it was like, that's not what bothered us, right? I was interrupting, it didn't bother us because I'll always still do that. That's what a it's the you're giving me anxiety it's the like it's the putting your mental health is the only thing in the fucking world not like oh there's comment because like i'm putting this comment on a creative or a creative thread right a creative who is burying himself and becoming vulnerable for the entertainment of others right and i'm

just gonna hit him with that right like luckily i didn't deal too hard with stuff like that right even though i'm whinging about it now it's not gonna fucking ruin me day right but the fact that you go you're giving me anxiety so therefore i'm just gonna fucking potentially make you feel like oh that's shit well that's the thing i don't like about people with anxiety is the constant misunderstanding that your mental health problems are your mental health problems and they are your responsibility now to be fair most people do know this but it's I mean I'm pretty sure I've said this before but it's the thing that people don't understand about when they learn that they've got triggers which is here's something that's traumatic in your life and when this subject comes up it causes you to have an insane reaction because you've got trauma and legitimate ptsd so whenever

this subject comes up it makes you regress to a fight or flight mode you learn about those triggers so you know what your triggers are so you're it's not to put trigger warnings on everything and it's not for everyone else to not talk about those things and not talk about those in front of you. We're not bubble wrapping the world. This is for you to understand what in the world triggers you. That's your fucking response.

And if your therapist doesn't tell you that, your therapist is fucking horrific and you need a new one. They're pandering to you. They're pandering to you. Your trigger points are so that you understand when you are going to become irrational and illogical

and so when somebody says murder rape paedophile chickenpox whatever the fuck it is you go oh I really liked chickenpox

as a kid oh this nobody's allowed to talk about chickenpox that's not how the world works and it never should be how the world works I remembered me

fucking point go for it the drugs we're gonna look i think in like 10 15 20 years we're gonna be sitting in an abattoir during the fringe one year looking at the younger generation of comics going these fucking pansies like i do want i think in the future what i would like to do is maybe in like the day i want to start a podcast called reprimates and and what it is is it's i just get comics from the past 20 to 30 years who've done the fringe but who did it in the real way not the ones that went up for the awards the ones that went up the 100 preview kind of guys yeah the ones that are bringing essentially

a show that they've toured up to the fridge not not the comedians who did a 45-minute show the year before, because technically that's not a solo show. That calculated... When people are calculated in the funny game, it just takes all of the essence out of it. Let's just remove the essence and make it more about me and my career. It's not about the audience laughing, it's about my career going well. I need the best newcomer award,

even though it's not made a difference to anyone's career since fucking Sean. Who's dead Sean? What's his name? Sean Hughes. No, Sean Hughes. Oh, there's two dead Seans.

Fuck. Oh, man. No, Sean Hughes. Pour some liquor. Aye. Sean Hughes. Oh, I don't think you should pour liquor for Sean Hughes.

That's the last thing his ghost would want. If you were to pour liquor for Sean Hughes, the ghost of Sean Hughes goes what are you doing? Did I die in vain? That's not what my memory is.

Come fucking drink it you bastards. I want to talk to all the comedians that you know. Brendan Bairns. Brendan Bairns. No, no, but even there are ones that came up and even if just for like

three or four days at the festival like fucking Paul McCaffrey would be great on it. Right? Somebody that's coming and going, you know what? I'm just a bit of an irresponsible say shit. And so I'm a professional and I would do my show the next day and I'd still fucking get through it. But there were times when we all came close. I want to talk to those people, but I don't think any of those people are willing to be able to be very very honest about their drug or alcohol stories because it's still too close in the same way that I'm still like when I tell all I don't tell every drug story I've got and I don't tell every boo story

I've got because I'm still so closer than that I'm like oh it does make me feel like I can't objectively look at it and it's still very much me whereas in like 15 20 years time I'll be able to look back and be like god okay this is what i was thinking then this is and i thought i was cool and i was trying to live up to these things and that's why i think that would be a fun because man the stories you get from comedians on the circuit as well of when they fucking came it are the best they're my favorite stories stories are fucking unreal i and i've been in a couple of Barry stories and they're scary. It's scary to me. I've been co-main.

I've been co-main on a few of them. They've been built. Best days of my life. Aye. Paul McCaffrey, did he not have, I think this was one of the altitudes I wasn't at, but you were. Yes, yes.

And he got up the next morning and everybody in Meyerhoff knew who he was and he didn't know why. Yes. He didn't know what he had done. But everyone was like calling him by a nickname or whatever. Robert Caffrey, I think it was on the bus from... Because the Altitude works, it's different every year.

Either sometimes you land in Austria and then it's like a 45-minute thing to Meyerhofen and then other years you land in Berlin and it's like a three-hour bus journey and all the comedians are on it. And there was one year pardon me where we all just buy heaps of mini Yeagers and I think McCaffrey just had so many of those very little and McCaffrey can put away an obnoxious amount of booze like I like I would

McCaffrey is a hall of famer for me like booze wise. Gimli, Gimli of the session. I don't even think I'd gone out. I don't even think I'd gone out that night. I think I, cause I was wanting to snowboard the next day and we come down and like after we've done snowboarding, it's like three in the afternoon,

McCaffrey wakes up and just like all these Austrians and lederhosen are like, ball! And he's like I have no idea what happened why am I a local celebrity in the Alps

what took place but like he must have had such anxiety about it but none of it was like everyone loved him but he didn't know what he'd done

to be loved he didn't know what he was responsible for. He's got no idea. Oh, man. I woke up yesterday morning after being at a wedding and just kept getting flashbacks of stuff I'd done the night before. And you know when they're the type of things that give you fear?

I never get fear of stuff like that. I always just laugh. Even if I've left a bad impression in somebody's head of who I am. If've been a bit too obnoxious i always just find it funny the next morning i don't suffer from that no i mean me and cara get the fear in there in in great deals like i don't get as much as she does because i mean and she's obviously not had it well but man you've seen how much booze my tiny fiancee can put away it's it's it does she get fear from the night before because i've never known her to embarrass herself exactly i've always just known how to be like life and soul but that's that the fear isn't rational the fear is booze fueled anxiety well

inversely my non-fear is irrational i should have fear i should have fear when i wake up and i remember going up to the massive guy on the dance floor that i met that night and trying to pick him up because he's big i should i should remember when i i tried to get up and head out of the mistletoe on the dance floor because it was like quite high um and i'm just like running and leap out of the mistletoe on the dance floor because it was quite high. And I'm just running and leaping across the dance floor where I barely know anybody. I should remember eventually reaching that mistletoe, getting it down, holding it over my head and tongue-kissing the bride in front of my wife.

Aye. I should be like, ugh, but I'm like, class. Speaking of which, big congratulations to our friend Pippa for marrying the last Gary. She married the last Gary? The last ever Gary. It was a wonderful win. She gave him a good send off.

The last Gary. His name's Gary and we're pretty sure nobody's called Gary anymore. And for, not necessarily for good reason. I was talking to Baz the Kazanaz about this

the other day because Barry's also a name that's just disappearing. But I don't know why, because it doesn't, it's not like Barry and Gary have the same stigma as Karen. Like, I don't think they'll be Karens. I think we've,

there's no Karens born in the last five years. Yeah. That meme is too powerful. Yeah. And the name is too fucking besmirched at this point. Yeah, you inflict the name Karen on someone now. Aye. So, but.

And I feel for Karens, man. Like, because I know there's a Karen sat nextmirched at this point. Yeah, you inflict the name Karen on someone now. Aye. But. And I feel for Karen's man. Like, because I know there was a Karen sat next to us at a wedding. Pregnant. Lovely lass. Like, not a muggle. All right.

Well. Well. Yeah, look. It'll kick in. It'll kick in. And I feel for her because she's been absolutely besmirched.

Yeah, but I, one of my oldest friends is called Karen and she can be a bit of a Karen to be fair she's very smart middle class and she is entitled

to thanks it must be really harsh because like you wouldn't be able to complain about anything anymore aye like you know

that rant we had about American Airlines you wouldn't be able to do that if you're called Karen no you couldn't have that rant no but the reason but then again have that rant no but the reason

but then again but that's also like the reason American Airlines are shit is because all they do is deal with Karens all the time

yeah they've been grown down by Karens yeah yeah yeah and it's I know you get British Karens but I don't feel like British Karens are called Karens

Karens are like the American I think who's what's the British is it Becky no Becky's Becky's just a bitch Becky's like a whiny bitch it what's the British for is it Becky no Becky's a Becky's just a bitch

Becky's like a whiny bitch it's like the British Karen who's the would it not be like an older name like a Maureen or something you know it could be Linda Linda Linda it could be it could be Linda oh no oh thanks yeah Kai won't laugh at my jokes, but he's got a fucking button, so the audience give me. I don't press the laugh button. All right, I'll give you that. Oh, can I show you the most cringeworthy thing

I've seen this week? And I've watched a Gary get married. Sure. It was a fucking, it was a belt I win by the way I had a fucking lovely time

I fucking love weddings me aye I have a really good time with them I get loose this is my new version of coke

by the way what is it is it just one of them nasal nasal things this is honestly this is this is e-cocaine

for me you know you get e-cigarettes to wean yourself off of what is it just Vicks like a decongestant you know you get e-cigarettes to wean yourself off of what is it just vicks like a eye but it's the congester you know how like the reason like with we've changed with the reason

i liked vaping is and the reason i like menthol is i need that burn at the back of my throat that's what i like about smoking i like that fucking pain yes right i haven't had a blocked nose for ages but just yeah you've like literally just oh yeah he's that burn at the back of my throat So because you've not been drinking You've not been smoking You've had to replace the ritualistic side of things Which like, you know, could be Have an apple

Or whatever But yours is still just Put shit in me lungs Put shit I need to put shit in me lungs I need to put something up me nose That stings Right

I've connected this So it'll come through the speakers as well Oh right, okay, good Hang on, I need to play this from the beginning How do I get this at the beginning? connected this so it'll come through the speakers as well. Alright, okay, good. Hang on, I need to play this from the beginning. How do I get this at the beginning? Well, I thought it was connected to the speakers. Oh, I just need to bring it up.

Oh, it's Bluetooth. Hold on, hold on. I'm just going to make sure the Bluetooth's connected. While Kyle's doing this, I'll talk to you about our sponsors. British Airways are the greatest airline in the entire world. When was the last time there was a terrorist our sponsors British Airways are the greatest airline in the entire world when was the last time there was a terrorist attack on British Airways

never, never because even terrorists are like I'm not going to do it to British Airways I'm not going to disrupt their perfect service even if you're a terrorist trying to get onto a plane with a bob on to British Airways the staff would just be so nice to you. You're like, you know what?

I'll do it on the connecting flight. They'd actually chill out the terrorists and they'd just enjoy their flight. They'd be like, well, I don't want to miss out on the... They'd be so embarrassed. I don't want to miss out on the meal. Aye. They'd get on there, they'd watch the movies

and the plane would land and they'd go, what was I meant to... Oh, no! I'm... Oh, no! Fucking... Oh, I'm an idiot. I can't, but well...

Oh, right, shit. All right, I'm an idiot. I can't, but well, right, shit. All right, fair enough. Right. Man on a tube takes off his mask and throws it away. You know, wearing a mask is like trying to keep a fart in your trousers. Wearing a mask is like trying to keep a fart in your trousers. Man on the tube gets up. He's joined by people

Jeremy Corbyn's brother I've changed my air sterilisation group Right, there's an extra minute of that. I've stopped it after 30 seconds. They stand up on the tube and walking down the tube singing, wearing a mask is like trying to keep a fart in your trousers. Who's trying to keep a fart in their trousers? Those guys, I guess.

So here's what I suggest, right that if you want to follow the logic wearing a mask is like trying to keep a fart in your trousers then not wearing a mask by their logic is like pulling your ass out to fart right so they've they've betrayed their own logic immediately because you're going oh yeah yeah you should wear trousers and try and keep your fart like at least some kind of well you know what I would actually be if people pulled down

their trousers to fart that would it would get rid of the mystery of who did it like it would get rid of the whodunit natures of you know how to hate which is also

I'm going to turn that back to you otherwise you're going to get all my email notifications what about that group of people right just going I find you don't have to wear trousers you've proven your point you cannot wear trousers crack on like what are they i don't know i mean look don't we go i don't think anyone likes oh no that's not true i was

about to say nobody likes masks what i will say is as much as the uh the people that are just like it doesn't work you're like yeah no it doesn't work that's why surgeons wear them because they're as much as the people that are just like, it doesn't work. You're like, yeah, no, it doesn't work. That's why surgeons wear them, because they're just insane. Surgeons are just mental people who just make shit up. So you're right.

Yeah, you're not. The mask doesn't work. Blah, blah, blah. As much as those- That's why I like paint and decorate as I put them on or whatever. People go, you're obstructing my freedom. And you go, oh, right. You're not having your freedom obstructed at all in any way.

You're just being asked to do something. And I know it's annoying. None of it, I actually fucking like it. But for you to think this is authoritarianism is just such a marker for how stupid and privileged you are. On the inverse, if I see one more fucking left-wing comedian doing a fucking back patting. Like, here's the seven reasons

why I think wearing a mask is a good, cool thing to do. Fucking neck yourself. Anybody that thinks... Oh my God. Do you understand the damage that you're doing? I'm on the same side as you, motherfucker. Why are you making me look like a cunt?

One of them was like, it keeps you warm oh just wear a scarf just look some people don't wear masks and that's annoying and we should hate them but this i fucking hate for so long i hated people that would talk about virtue signaling right because for a while i sort of belonged to the stance of like wait right right so your problem is people are doing good things and then congratulate themselves for doing good things even though we live in a world that celebrates bad moves and evilness and capitalism like i've got no problem with virtual signaling i take that back 110 just the amount of fucking bit here's the reason why i decided to get vaccinated shut the fuck up and get vaccinated Shut the fuck up and get vaccinated. Shut the fuck up and get vaccinated.

Shut the fuck up and get vaccinated. Stop doing it as if you're God's gift to fucking humanity for doing something literally 92% of the country is fucking done, right? 92% of this country is fucking vaccinated. You're not a fucking hero. You're yelling at the 8%, but you're not yelling at the 8%

because the 8% don't fucking follow you. What you're doing is you're patting yourself on the back and you're yelling at the 8% but you're not yelling at the 8% because the 8% don't fucking follow you what you're doing is you're patting yourself on the back and you're asking me somebody who's not bragging about doing the same shit you did you want me to congratulate you

fuck off fucking stop it you're making us lose you're making us lose and this is why Tories are in charge because of cunts like fucking you

stop it get off of Twitter get off Instagram fucking stop it it's the I take care of my kids you're supposed to you dumb fuck

well caught fucking old boy what's that you're supposed to it's not you dumb fuck that's not the Chris Rock line

it is aye but I know what the blame's about it's that I love black people but aye you're supposed to

you dumb and then aye that was oh is it I'm dumb fuck no it's dumb. It's that I love black people. But I, yeah, yeah. You're supposed to get dumb. And then, aye, that was. Oh, so I've done fuck? No, it's dumb. The whole bit is I love black people, but I hate. Uh-huh. But I thought, wait, okay. I may be wrong, but I thought.

Oh, you're 100% wrong. Because when I'm not on camera, I quote that joke fully. I know, it's definitely, you're supposed to you dumb okay God I wish we had a black friend that we could just tap in to say the word we should phone Elliot

I know what we know it's a podcast we do need to do another thick cast you know about being woke as well like it's I feel like it's something being is something that's always been around, but it's only recently become an insult.

Like, you know, the Christmas Carol? Aye. That's essentially fucking three libtards trying to convince a far-right person to be woke. And then he wakes up in the morning with a bit more... He's developed empathy. Like, developing empathy is something that's been encouraged for a while but i feel like it's something that's only recently been turned into an insult because people who do develop empathy like drag that

cock and balls across the internet with the development of empathy that they look like assholes yeah yeah and it doesn't make it look and it doesn't make empathy look appealing like you're going oh god like if I become an empathetic person, am I going to be that fucking wanker over there being like, here's why I think people who wear masks and get vaccinated are fucking sexy. You're like, motherfucker, we could stop making it harder.

I'm so embarrassed to be fucking left-wing. And the left gets so much further. Like my political stance isn't changing. I'm just being forced further and further to be fucking left-wing and the left gets so much farther that like my political stance isn't changing i'm just being forced further and further to the fucking center but i'm like all right my my comrades are just getting more fucking around and by the way i imagine right-wing people feel the fucking same like if you're just center right like if your thing is also look i think capitalism is you know it's not the best it is the system but it's the best system that we have available at the moment and i understand the flaws of it and and it's not the best system, but it's the best system that we have available at the moment. And I understand the flaws of it.

And it's being taken advantage of it. Yeah, and I think a left-wing government's a threat to national security. Yeah, and those are debates that I wouldn't be able to have any weight or fucking credibility in. I imagine whenever they see QAnon people, they're like, I don't fucking motherfuck if we can't. Like, I really wish there was just, I mean mean and this is what everyone's fucking complaining about i just wish there was just like a central party which is just we hate the far right and we hate the far left

and and we're just in the middle and we're not going to yell at each other right and we'll lean left and right like a frequency yeah i'm not i'm not all left on everything and i'm not all right everything every everything you bring up to me i'm going to sit there and i'm going to think and i'm going to go right what's my opinion on this oh i don't have one that's allowed as opposed to what many of the far right and the far left do which is google their opinions going right what did okay right right what did joe rogan say right that's that's that's my opinion that's my opinion and what did what did owen jones say what did owen jones say right, that's my opinion. That's my opinion. And what did Owen Jones say? What did Owen Jones say? Right, that's my opinion.

That's my opinion. Motherfucker, think for yourself. In fact, don't. Actually, stop thinking. Just stop thinking. You know what it feels like? It feels like you're in a classroom, right? The fucking world's a classroom.

And you've got the nerds over there and the bullies over there. And you might have to join the bullies to not be a nerd, or join the nerds to not be a bully, and really you just want to have nothing to do with any of them polarities and just goes through. I'm here to learn. I'm here to learn.

And that's probably what the majority of people are, but that's not the cross-section that we see, because they're the quiet people. The people who are on the left and on the right are like on the internet loudly and your majority of your interaction with the world now is through the screen on your phone where the majority of people are just like me and you they'll just be in the in the center scrolling like and i'll look at the fucking state of this i don't know we've gone through some fucking shitholes recently uh we were i recently you weren't in Sheffield

now Sheffield's a great place to gig I've always loved the Hexagon as a venue it's a really nice venue and it's a really

nice audience it's an industrial town with a big student population so it's got a bit of charm about it Sheffield no it doesn't

it did have it does not have any fucking charm to it are we not a fucking shred now maybe i'm being unfair when you when you come out the train station i've got all them like metal fountains when was the last time you think i took a train i didn't blame you i fucking nearly i nearly

fucking took me on i am look i've got no pro i don't care what this makes me sound like five years ago i said to marlena i'm never doing public transport again unless it's in europe yeah unless it's in europe or unless it's a plane. Like, I'm not... I haven't got on a bus since I was 21 years old and I will never, under any circumstance, get on a fucking bus again. I hate them.

I hate them. I hate them. I also despise trains. I hate the fucking trains in this country. I'm not doing it. If there's a gig that requires me to get a bus or a train to that gig's not taking place unless you're just going to put us in a car unless you're going to put us in a car and spend hundreds on getting us there yeah yeah oh man there's the i would spend a grand before i would get on a bus like a hundred percent without

without fucking blinking um The train yesterday, I booked a train from Nottingham to London. There was none without two changes, right? And I'm like, that's a Sunday. There's fucking probably engineering works to whatever the storm's done some damage and they're fixing it, right? I've got to go out of this wedding. I've got to get Nottingham somehow, right?

So there's two changes. And I was like, it's either that or get like a National Express through. And I'd rather take the two changes than get on the bus. And one of the changes was a bus. And I don't think you're allowed to do that. If I go on trainline.com, don't put us on a fucking bus. If I go on Skyscanner and there's a connection,

don't make us fucking row to the next airport. Mind when Jeremy Corbyn was called a fucking Marxist because he wanted a better train company in this country he should have kept his brother on a fucking leash

keep your fucking brother on a leash mate you know he was he was like oh we're gonna have fucking internet and trains

and have a good services around the country and he's like oh no I know but he just couldn't say the word he just couldn't say

the sentence I like Jews know but he just couldn't say the word he just couldn't say the sentence I like Jews he just couldn't bring himself to look down the lens of a camera and go you know what

I don't mind Jews he just couldn't do it he didn't have the fucking strength he kept doing it but his hands were behind his back and I'm like

are those crossed he was like no no no speaking of Jews when crosses come full circle come full circle I got

got slightly depressed last night because remember that comedy without errors YouTube channel I was telling you about that guy

that's just got this really really fascinating in-depth geeky knowledge of comedy and his analysis of it is spot on. As somebody that loves the mechanics

and the science of jokes and shows and craft, he did an hour and ten minute fucking video essay on the genius of Bo Burnham's insight and just sort of I love I just love nothing depresses me more than the existence of Bo Burnham even though he fills me with so much happiness because I imagine it's just like I imagine what it was like to be like a fucking premier league footballer playing against Ronaldinho and he scores a hat trick against you where you just go oh okay so i'm in this sport but i'm just expectator at some points like i'm very lucky

to be in this fucking profession but there is just this but even though i'm achievable level that i'm just so far like he fucking rainbow flicks over your head catches it on the volley and puts it in the back of your neck and go even if i was at my peak there's nothing i could have done uh even though even though i've got as much grind and all that right like he's just got this bit of flair that you're born with well so this is the this is the bit i wanted to talk to you about at breakfast let's do on the podcast um i think there is we'll all we'll all agree that there is such a thing as innate physical talent like in the sense that you know when we talk about like footballers like messy but there's just something like he was just designed to be a fucking footballer yes it's it's

it's it's years of practicing and training and having like the best doctors and scientists around but there's also underneath all that there is just a capability in that man that other most other sporting professionals don't have like i don't know if anyone's watched the documentary 14 peaks yet but it's about this nepalese guy who climbs the 14 highest peaks in the world including mount nevers they're all over 8 000 feet he does it in six months when the previous record was set by a German man and that record was I think it was 16 years

right and he broke that record so he broke the record by 15 and a half years aye aye but this guy is he was

he's man he's just designed for climbing mountains like even he was like I knew the first time I climbed a mountain literally five years ago

that I was designed to fucking do this. They do science on him. They do science on him, Jesus Christ, I sound like a fucking Republican. They do science on him. It's called the Daniel Sloss experience. But, like, they've got him cycling at, like, high altitude things where most people pass out.

And he's just physically capable of doing it. And that's because he was born at altitude from parents that were born at altitude from parents who were born at altitude. Like these pearl divers that, like, they're just generationally used to diving under the water. Yeah, but even then, there is also just, you know, it's not like Messi's dad was a brilliant footballer or his mum was a brilliant footballer or the grandparents.

Just sometimes you are just blessed with an instinct. And it's very, very easy to see that in well not easy but we we know it exists in physical professions like when we talk about michael phelps is the greatest swimmer of all time his body is designed for swimming they're like man if you were to design a swimmer it would be michael phelps if you were to if you were to sit down and design a runner it would be usain bolt if you were to design a long distance runner it would be more far these are people who just have the bodies perfectly capable like there's no amount of training from birth to to to peak that jonah hill could do to get the same swimming as michael

exactly you've got a you've got a you've got a leg up with what you're born with yes we we can We can tell that in physicalness, but that does absolutely exist in mental jobs, like comedy, acting, science, like psychiatry, any sort of job which requires your brain. But because we know so little about the brain, we don't know what it is. In fact, we don't know what it is so in fact we don't know what it is so much that we don't even have a name for it the name for it is it like there is you know when somebody's got it ages or they've got it they've got it it's the x factor yeah hi the singers there's just there's something oh well i guess like freddie mercury is another example he had those teeth that people will tell you made his voice better because they would go back on themselves and it made it reverberate

and that's why he had a powerful voice. You've got all these amazing singers with better lung capacities and throats that are fucking designed for it. Whereas in these jobs where it's talent-based, I don't know what the word I'm looking for, but creative jobs maybe, there is that in the brain but we don't know what it is. So the genius the g well look we're not we'll not name names but you and me could walk around the comedy circuit and i could

point out every comedian that's never going to make it because i just go you're good and you can point out people who have made it through trial and error yes through figuring it out and i think there's a there's a lot to be said for that ability also, but it's a different ability. But that ability has its limits. You absolutely can learn how to craft a joke. You can learn how to have stage presence. You can learn how to deliver material. But there is also, when you look at people like Bo Burnham,

when you look at people like Chappelle, and again, whenever I speak of Chappelle, we're always ignoring his previous work, his most recent work, sorry. There is just something else there, something that is truly unteachable. It's innate and you can see it in certain people and you can absolutely witness the lack of of it in others and i do i

just wonder well one to mention with uh sean lock had that funny bone in abundance man yes that was someone that you're like i watched like eight out of ten cats does countdown the other day and i'm just like i've been fucking all at how quick he has access to stuff that looks written and it's not written because it's very situational yep and you're just like, that is coming to him, that is coming to him in the moment as a well-crafted bit. You can't write that, you can write it, but you couldn't come up with it there and then. Anybody else would need to write it. You don't need to write it, it's right on the bouffe. Something that would have taken us five hours in a writing room together to write

is a bit came fully formed in your brain in a moment he gets them things that like even us as people who are on a

good part of that spectrum look at him and he's coming up with stuff that like you'll kick yourself in the car three days later if I'm

not thinking of that in the moment aye well that's how I just feel anytime I watch Bo Burnham which is just going oh man don't get me wrong I know I'm not thinking of that in the moment. Aye. Well, that's how I just feel any time I watch Bo Burnham, which is just going, oh, man, don't get me wrong, I know I'm good at my job, but, like, never in my life have I just

gone, oh, there's a glass ceiling, which one day, hopefully, I'll reach and I'll be able to touch the glass ceiling, but I'm looking up Bo Burnham's... Get a closer look. Yeah, yeah, and I'm just looking up Bo Burnham's dress. I'll be like

okay so this is my limits and because I've reached my limits I'm very fucking proud but there is just an extra level you'll just be there

steaming up the glass can but I didn't have to fucking sing to get here I didn't have to die in a musical comic well no I think my only my only saving grace

with it is is the fact that you know His isn't stand up And only on It's not stand up Inside was it stand up it was comedy And it was a comedy show but there was nothing stand up About it and I even think his

Live shows what Make happy and Words words words were You know There was the stand-up aspects to them but they were more just a performance so that's what i that's my only saving grace in that i'm like okay stand-up wise we can be peers i'll never step into theater like you do no no no but then again imagine like i think that's just how everyone must unless you're the best of the fucking best i think everyone feels that way like bull burner must feel that way about tim minchin and hans taewon who also fucking

influenced him like i imagine you know uh messi probably looks messi probably just goes i'll never be as good as maradona like i think i still have that like um respect for you not just respect for elders but respect for your role models i don't think it's here man i'm doing a i'm doing a gig tonight um on a on a lineup with let's get this right johnny vegas griff griff reese jones is hosting it johnny vegas ed burn um eddie is odd stephen fry clive anderson just a fucking ridiculous like not just talent but like wealth of success in years that are massively bringing the average down on lucky lucky i didn't deal with imposter syndrome because that would be fucking torture in there yeah i like i'm gonna work in there guy and nah I'm not meant

to be here but I'm just gonna smile my way through it and like fucking have a nice time on stage I hope you don't mind bye well it's just also

it's this is such a not a horrible word to use but it's a fucking you know I just don't like the phrase but it is British comedy royalty

aye across the board like it's undeniable what Eddie has done over her career. I'll make sure you get that right.

Because she's now gone. It's not just cross-dressing now. She's she. I don't trip up that much when I'm talking to someone directly because I never use pronouns when I'm talking to people. It's only something you can slip up when you're talking about someone.

Yeah, about them. But I don't think she's it's only something you can slip up when you're like tagging about someone yeah about them so alright but I don't I don't think she's she's not it's not a they thing I always get fucking confused with the pronouns

just and this is a very good on her as well because that would have been a very male line up otherwise thank god no

all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got

all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got

all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got

all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got, all got no old guy old guy Koch is on as well Koch Koch

Koch I think I've not met him I've not I've not got good looks what I mean aye no I'm just off to

Norwich to do fuck all because there is nothing and I and being that there's nothing you could do to get me to do another gig

this year more travelling you don't need to do no for me like when when you said you didn't want to dare there was part of me that was like I don't need to do no for me like um when when you said you didn't want it there there was part of me that was like i don't want to do the travel but i can't pass up on that and now regret passing up on it like you've you've worked with most mx before ed burn was on your

sitcom when you were like 12 years old like eddie is the reason eddie's the reason we started touring well one of the reasons we started touring in Europe because she'd done it before I think she was like the first British one to do it, I know like Russell Peters and Burr and Gabriella Iglesias had done it but when Marlena was like you need to tour Europe and I was like I don't want to

fucking do that, that sounds stupid, she phoned up and was like Daniel it's Eddie I was like and she was just like, I think you've got to do it. It's very fun. And, you know, she's fucking class.

And I've met Stephen Fry before. Stephen Fry, he won't remember this, but I did Rob Brydon's show. It was like my third or fourth ever bit of television. And I was doing my routine. Stephen Fry was also on the show

and he was backstage. And my mum was down with me and I went on stage and I fucked doing my rotating, Stephen Fry was also on the show, and he was backstage, and my mum was down with me, and I went on stage, and I fucked up the set, like at one point, you're not meant to swear on television, especially on the BBC, and all the people that fucking complain about censorship

don't actually care about fucking censorship, you can't talk about marijuana on the BBC, but nobody ever fucking complains about that, you can't say cunt on the fucking radio, those are actual bits of censorship, but never what the right complain about when they say censorship. They're just like,

I can't say packy and tranny anymore. That's what you mean by censorship. You can't say the horrible things that you want to say whereas actual censorship is genuinely taking place. You're never trying to bring that down. You're never trying to bring that down.

It's not. It's not about free speech for you. You just want to say the horrible words and you don't want to fucking change because you're a bastard. That's your version of fucking free speech. And I swear, I say, fuck it, whatever. My mum flinches because she knows

that I'm going to have to redo it or it might get cut. And Stephen Fry put his hand on me and went, don't worry, I'm going to go on and say cunt a lot. Did he? Properly calmed her down. Great.

The guy who read a Harry Potter audiobook. Because my mum, we're all big Stephen Fry fans, but in that moment she wasn't a Stephen Fry fan, she was a mother watching her 19-year-old son

on television and it didn't matter that Stephen Fry was it. Nothing could take her away from, oh god and then just this lovely, you know, man who's done so much on British television, like

literally royalty, just goes don't worry love, I'm going to say cunt a whole bunch So like you've had them moments and you've been on Graham Norton and you've had them things where like to you that's just like another one, but for me I'm, I can't not be on that. So even though, like, I'm in the same boat as you with the...

I'm travelled out and I've just put my hand up for more travelling. I'm gigged out and I've just put my hand up for another gig. It's something I've got to do. I'd literally fucking hate myself if I looked back and I hadn't done that. Man, you could fucking tell me that 500 metres down the road, Patrice O'Neill had come back to life and was asking me to support him. And I would not do that gig.

That's where you're at. I wouldn't do the gig. Couldn't give a fucking shit, mate. You're not, there's nothing you could do to get me. I've got four gigs left in me this year. And thankfully that's all we have. I have four gigs left in me. year and thankfully that's all we have i have four gigs left to me i don't have an extra fucking minute we've got about seven but no we don't i don't know we've got norwich perth bristol bristol bristol bristols because once again live nation

and marlene i do not ever listen to the please no double shows double shows are the death of comedy the absolute death of comedy nothing is less funny how did that get through we've made that really clear that we didn't because Live Nation and Marlena don't care

aye aye that's some more dirty laundry for you enjoy the shows guys we're going to have a game face on for you and we'll get through I think

four days left is four days is what I've got in my head because it's Perth is one day Bristol's two and Apollo's

one so that's four I've got four four days worth of shows left in me Norwich Perth Bristol London is that what

we've got left this is something we're nearly there nearly fucking done I've been I've been a bit

miserable with everything lately, especially waking up with a hangover yesterday. I had a lovely time at the wedding and that, and it just meant that I was put into a hangover for this horrible travel day that got made worse. But, oh, you know, when we got on the bus as well, the train was late for the connecting bus, so there was two trainloads of people

trying to get onto one bus, and instead of like instead of having any formula right they got everyone to pile forward as a group like you're on the docks getting chosen for a job back in fucking prohibition or whatever right and um and they started picking people one by one one two counting 50 out there's about 150 people in the crowd may please may you can pick me and like picking folk and all that meant is the most rude

selfish obnoxious people that's the most anti-British thing I've ever fucking heard the one thing I saw people push in front of a man holding two kids

like he had he had a child in each hand and like people manoeuvred round to get in front of him and I was just like you're gonna do that

you're gonna push in front of children I was just they were torn deaf it was like they needed to get leg that's also I'm very against that that feels like British people queue

and it's the thing I've always despised about other countries is their inability to fucking queuing is fair queuing is fucking fair it's unbiased

and it fucking exists were you there first congratulations but there wasn't an opportunity to queue the way they'd done it there was they could could have gone form if you were on the first train form a fucking queue there was nowhere to start it on now it was just like because there was it was a small train station and everyone's bundled in the train station and in the thing

and they go right the bus is down there and everyone just moved as a unit and it wasn't like it was just a it just got funneled everyone just got funneled through so it was if it was a funnel in that the people at the front were getting it but it just meant that like you could try and manipulate and get runned or like people it was just fucked it was just really fucked and i was there again i i literally even tried to put my hand in my pocket and pay for a different train because i was like if there's any direct trains even if they're like expensive and it's going to be i'm going to be gigging for free tonight just to get there i would have done it for me hangover sake and for me mental health sake and there was no

other option to get there like apart from fucking maybe if i got a car but that would have been maybe i would be running the day at a loss a serious loss and i might as well have got a taxi home if that's the case um so i i come in i was fucking sad it's it's it's quite um it's quite hard being miserable around you as well because it's like complaining about a sore throat when someone's got cancer because you do miserable so hard well if i come in being miserable it doesn't feel like it counts well no but but it's also like i was thinking about this the other day when you were like i'm going through the same thing and i'm like man i'm not one of the people who thinks a problem shared

is a problem halved I couldn't give a fuck if you're miserable too it doesn't make any difference to my life the fact that we're sharing it and going through the same thing doesn't offer me any solace

or any relief or any of this stuff no I was trying to offer you solace I was just saying like don't put this on me like I don't want to put the weight of your misery on my shoulders

because I've got my own aye but I'll just sit there and be miserable and I'm fine with being miserable because I'm miserable a to put the weight of your misery on my shoulders because I've got my own. But I'll just sit there and be miserable. And I'm fine with being miserable because I'm miserable a lot of the time and I've got no problem with it because I know it's temporary. But I also know that none of the things that work for other people work for me.

Going to the gym doesn't make me feel better. Drinking lots of water doesn't make me feel better. Meditating doesn't make me feel better. Not taking drugs. Yeah, but I'm sober. None of it's helped none of it when i'm miserable i'm just miserable i accept that about myself and i'm fine and i know for other people they're like you're really and man i know man when i'm in a

bad mood the bad mood spreads around a fucking room but i'm like i can't i can't check do you want me to be the only thing that would make me more miserable is if i had to fucking pretend to be fucking happy like if i had to fucking pretend to be fucking happy like if I had to be like no no how's your day no no no that's the bit that would just make me

the energy cost would not be worth it yeah not fucking man that's what I do after shows for fans I'm not doing it in my fucking everyday life like I am able to after I walk off stage of a show that I don't want to fucking do and meet fans afterwards

I'm able to put on the mask and go thank you so much for coming because i am grateful i'm very grateful those people turned up i am not putting that mask on in my fucking normal life ever ever it's fake disingenuous and it's the only thing that makes me more miserable i've been finding it hard just to have like energy just to do day-to-day things now like you know even just keeping on top of your hygiene showering brushing your teeth getting out of bed like it just feels like there's a

fucking weight on you constantly and it's not to do with sleep like I slept for I had my solid eight hours eight and a bit

and I woke up this morning I didn't want to get out of bed and it's not that I wanted to go back to sleep I just didn't want

to get out of bed it's because you weren't fucking nottingham not until nottingham but it's because you weren't fucking not in them not until I'm not in them but it's not where I live waking up not where you live

is not a pleasant experience it is if you're on if you're on holiday and you've been at home and like working from home and you've been at home

all the time but you know when you're like now into your like whatever 20th week of touring I don't like it and you wake up

and you like it used to be cool waking up and trying to discover where you are. You know, I wake up like, what town am I in now? I'd had this novelty and I'm like, I just want to know where I am when I wake up. Aye.

So I've realised it's not tiredness that I'm going through at the minute, it's fatigue. Aye. It's like I'm genuinely fatigued by the experience and I need to break out from it. And I know it's like, the light fatigued by the experience and I need to break out from it. And I know it's like the light at the end of the tunnel.

You're allowed to be fucking fatigued. Man, in the same sense, man, when you're happy, everyone always tries to go, right, let's remember this moment. I'm going to experience happiness fully, wholeheartedly. I'm going to be really fucking present in the moment i do that with misery i'm just like right i'm miserable there's no point there is absolutely no point in fighting it the only way i well at least for me the only way for me to get emotions out is to fully experience bottling them up and pushing them down saves

them for later and then makes me feel those emotions to other people that i don't want to feel them like if i bottle up anger or whatever it'll come out when somebody fucking cuts me off i'm not angry they cut me off i don't care if you get to this fucking place before me but because i didn't feel anger in the moment yesterday it's now bubbling over now you're right your writing comes from your anger as well like if you do material it comes from that anger so you can look at that do material, it comes from that anger. So you can look at that like, you can look at that as a resource. So you're going, yeah,

I might feel like shit, but at least I've got access to, to my motivation and my drive and my resource. My writing comes from when I'm having a laugh with my pals. Like if I'm having a fucking laugh in the moment and you're spitballing and fucking, you're doing bits. That's what I'm like. I have,

that's, that's what I want to do on stage. I don't get an out for miserable stuff. Like when I do ranty comedy It looks like the character Aye I love misery It's my fucking oil man Like I always

What about bucket big fears Is You know Because I've wanted to be a dad for so long I know it'll make me very very happy And I'm like God my comedy better not fucking change Aye

Because I don't want I don't want to be a miserable dad because I do my big fear is I do not want my son to turn out anything like me at all. I don't want him to want to be a comedian. I don't want him to be miserable. I don't want him to be fine when he's miserable. I want him to be happy and just do things. I don't want him to be miserable I don't want him to be fine when he's miserable I want him to be happy And just do things And I don't want him to get anger I don't want my son to have the hate that I have Because I've got a lot of fucking hate

Minimum once a day I will spend five minutes looking at someone Hoping they get cancer Or hoping something really bad happens to a family member of theirs Because I fucking hate them This hate, I don't know where it comes from My parents have always been confused about where this,

just this well of fucking deep-rooted hatred comes in me. But it exists. And it's, thankfully, I'm able to channel it into stand-up as opposed to becoming a mass murderer,

which was the other fucking option for me. But I don't want... Are you a school shooter that found an outlet? Man, I would have been a fucking bigot. I would have been a right-wing I would have been a right wing fucking

full on fucking Tommy Roberts here thy neighbour yep I would have been one of those fucking bigots had I not found stand up comedy

100% 100% I would have been fucking far right I would have been a racist I would have been just all the

because I would have because you wouldn't have had a way to figure out your emotions, and unpack your emotions, and realise how you're wrong, and, and the only place,

because I couldn't channel, my hatred on stage, I would have channeled it, onto the people, that I thought I hated, as opposed to going, all right, why do I actually,

hate these people, and what, what does this, where does this come from? Like, imagine you, with a dead-end job, and financial difficulty.

Oh man, I reckon I would get to... I reckon I'd get 27 kills before they got me. And that's perfect. You've even got the look. Aye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this is the only parallel universe where I don't have a kill to my name.

And it's because I found the theatre the arts Shall we go and have a cup now with Dean? Yeah let me go squeeze a baby God Dean and our friends Dean and Candice they've got two wonderful kids, one of them is three now

and she's great but you've not met you've not met Millie yet, she is just a happy baby just an absolute happy baby like i walked in the door and man man if you want if you ever want to quell my misery hand me a baby like that's my you know i've said this but you know how like dangling keys for a baby that's babies are my keys dangling a baby for you yeah yeah i find it impossible to be fucking miserable for a baby that's babies are my keys dangling a baby for you yeah yeah yeah I find it impossible to be fucking miserable

around a baby and then dangle you dangle you for an audience also the last person to dangle a baby was Michael Jackson so that's maybe not the best

fucking analogy also feel free to quote me on this when I'm like I'm never miserable when I've got a baby in my arms when I'm a father imagine

imagine that definitely changed once I'm fucking sleep deprived and I'm like, I'm never miserable when I've got a baby in my arms when I'm a father. Imagine that. Definitely change once I'm fucking sleep deprived and I'm like, it won't go away. Why is it still here? Bye. Let's go squeeze a baby. Yes.