Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.44 Grem

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Muggins and Cream talk about taking ownership of your own jealousy rather than making it other peoples problem, dream cheating, pillow humping and an array of other things from getting in trouble at school to their new favourite game, Gloomhaven. Merch >> https://muggins-and-cream.myspreadshop.co.uk

alright motherfuckers thank you for tuning in to Sloss and Humphries on the road on this week's episode I do a big well not really a long apology but you know we've complained so much on the past couple of

episodes of podcasts because we're very tired that I thought I'd try and refresh you with a bit of you know sincerity the other way we spoke about toxic relationships, the worst type of relationships to be in, why all jealous people are bastards and they'll never improve.

So if you are a jealous person, enjoy it. Here's your trigger warning, you selfish cunt. And then we spoke about school for a bit. And yeah, I mean, I laughed. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream creaming muggins straight thugging living the dream

that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack

oh muggles accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia

where have you been since 9-11 see your lass the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? So your lass just died laughing telling me a story about you snogging the pillow. Well, she's such a horrendous storyteller. I was like, she'll get you on the podcast to tell it. I mean, it would have been funny in that she couldn't breathe

for laughing. But it would have took the first five minutes to get out the story that I'd just done in the first sentence she's got this thing where if she and in any other person I find it the most annoying quality in the world

like there is that one promoter that we'll never ever ever work again with in Europe for the sake of professionalism i'll not name him i met him twice and i looked marlena dead in the eyes and i said if you ever employ that man again you are fired not just him you are fired because he was just this cunt who would tell unfunny stories and then laugh his way through them um yeah you would preemptive laugh so that like this next bit's gonna you're gonna love but like the preemptive laugh so that like this next bit

you're gonna love but like the preemptive laugh wasn't a genuine laugh it was like and you're like you knew what was coming next was gonna be underwhelming but you knew he'd cued you

that it was meant to be funny so you had to kind of like ha ha ha it was like really sapped the energy out of you being in his company

but also he did shit like he did shit like pay for the hotel wifi of you being in his company But also He did shit like He did shit like Pay for the hotel wifi When you booked your room Right And bitch and moan about it And then bitch and moan

That he had to pay for Your hotel wifi And you're like Just fucking whatever Take it off the tour One time I was over there And one of the other acts On the bill was like

Is there any chance You could source us Just some marijuana We'd just fancy Something like bed before Some weed before bed And then he did And Kept it Kept it And we were like Can we get a joint I would just fancy Something like bed before Sorry Some weed before bed And then he did And

Kept it Kept it And we were like Can we get a joint And he would roll his one And we're like I'm fucking sorry Do

Am I 14 years old And this is my first spliff And you're fucking It's weed that you've paid for It's not just like Oh you can have some of mine No it's not weed I've paid for

It's a mire You're the promoter Buy me fucking drugs Grow up What the fuck are you talking about Like if it was a bag of coke fair enough it's fucking weed

hold on I wanted to say no he was just giving you some of his weed no we were like get us weed he got his weed that's part of the fucking deal

you don't then limit it's not like he bought us kilo and we were like we have the fucking kilo give us the fucking weed it's like yeah if

you're going like oh quick can we get some booze backstage and they're like ah yeah yeah but I'm going to keep it in my office and you're not going to ask everything on a beer no the reason he was doing it

is because he knew we would smoke it without him because we didn't want to fucking hang out with him so the reason he kept it was like well if you want to smoke it you've got to hang out with me

like well well then I need coke as well because it's the only way I'm going to want to fucking talk to you except if I'm fucking geared at me not anyway Cara's her version of story is that she finds it funny Because it's the only way I'm going to want to fucking talk to you. Except I'm fucking geared at me now.

Anyway, Cara's, her version of the story is if she finds it funny, you might as well leave the room until she fucking calms down before she can tell it. She's got a big-ass pregnancy pillow in the bed, obviously. The pregnancy pillow, because I just discovered what they were last week, because when I went to that wedding, I stayed at my friend's house who was also pregnant, and she's wrote us a pregnancy pill and it's like a it's like a long it's a giant you that you have upside down in bed so that like you they can like spin it and they can have it between their legs and stop their thighs chafing and then i also get so the belly

is up on a pillow you can't sleep on your back? No, no. I didn't, I did not know that. No, obviously you can't sleep on your front, everyone knows that. Oh yeah, well that's a guy, you just find that uncomfortable anyway. You know,

you can only sleep. Like your face and your legs wouldn't be on the bed, you'd just, you'd just be like one of them, you know them, as a kid you'd have like an inflatable ball with like a plastic disc around it

that you like jump on. Do you ever get one of them? Like the shape of Saturn. Saturn's one of them like the shape of Saturn Saturn's a wait the shape of Saturn oh Saturn not Satin eh no no

oh I have some chemistry with it but you've got to you can't take you have to put the R in Saturn I've literally just however

I've just described a ball with a ring around it and I went you know the shape of Saturn but it's not you're saying Saturn you're objectively saying Saturn Saturn that it's not you're saying Saturn you're objectively saying Saturn Saturn

that's what I call Saturn continue Jesus Saturn I can't I'm not gonna do that no just put it

Saturn just Saturn something like a fucking Saturn that's what I was saying about like Dick Whitton I kind of said

Dick Whitton Dick Whitton I can't say it properly because Dick Whittington aye I meanton I can't say it properly Because Dick Whittington Aye I mean I feel like There's middle ground

So there's some words That I'm like I'm not just going to Break out of my accent Again Saturn Well it does If your words

Don't convey the meaning That's you know The point of language itself Nah Tune in Tune in Context is key The Mike Malloy thing

That we talked about Just because it sounded Like I was saying Make instead of make They didn't know tune in tune in context is key the make Maloy thing that we're talking about just because it sounded like I was saying make instead of make they didn't know who I meant even though I used the context

your friend who you arrived with make Maloy and they're like make Maloy that's that it's that no Saturn is also

a thing it's a homophone Not for years You're a homophone Not for years, no, no, no I've watched Rhys Nicholson kiss his man I've watched I've sucked Craig Hill's dick out

No, no, I've grown So did they So you're in bed with a No, no, also You can't lie on your back Can't lie on no you can't lie on your back can't lie on your belly and you can only lie on one site

kind of at once at a certain stage in pregnancy because all of the organs go up so it can make way for the baby

so apparently and I don't know how true this is but all they have to do is just tell you one scary story and then that'll put the fear of God

on you that's all pregnancy is by the way is people just going is just tell you one scary story and then that'll put the fear of God on you. That's all pregnancy is, by the way, is people just going, by the way, that'll kill your baby. And they'll just point out. You don't want to find out the hard way. You don't want to find out the hard way. So you're like, I guess I'm avoiding that then.

So if they sleep on one side, apparently because all the organs pushed up there, if you sleep on the wrong side, all of their organs will just crush like their heart or the baby or fucking shit. So she's just constantly uncomfortable. But it's a weird thing as well, which two nights well about four nights ago baby was not moving as much as it normally does and it normally is like a little fucking pilled up dancer in there giving a rave

and it's always funny because whenever we get into bed he immediately starts moving because when you walk around during the day the baby's like just been rocked to sleep and when you lie down he's like oh right we're still now I can actually physically do stuff and so we always laugh the second Cara tries to get to sleep

he starts dancing around he's not dancing around he's barely moving and I'm like it's dead it's like it's over like we've got to phone the midwife

we've got to get this done Cara's more sensible I do all the worrying for both of us she's like look we'll leave it to the morning like if the baby had the decency to just not move

from time to time, you'd just be like, it's just one of them not moving times. But the fact that it's been a constant motion. My thing is, it's such a weird thing to just, when you wake up and you go, did you sleep well?

And she's like, no, awfully. I'm like, get in. Good news. That's a good sign. That means a good word. If she woke up fully rested,

I'm like, fucking, all right, it's time to Google small coffins. It's not no news is good news with a baby. No, not for me. Maybe for other people, if you're able to handle that better, much respect. So she's got the big ass fucking pregnancy pillow. And there's been several times where, man, when I sleep, I've now realised being sober for a bit, even when I'm not on weird drugs

I am a deep motherfucking sleeper like if I'm in there I'm there self fidget so occasionally during the night I'll roll over

and I'll try and spoon Cara the love of my life and it turns out what I'm actually doing is I'm just stealing the pillow from her so I'll be I'll be hugging Cara

and then some third person will hit me in the face and then tell me to stop stealing their pillow you don't know any difference so then I come out and I'm like

Cara who's this fucking oh no I've seen what I've done now so she heard you kissing it we were in bed you tried it on with it

you zipped your hands down his pants you did this to me in Vegas I did not you fucking knocked the hands down the pants a bit but you definitely when I claimed the bed in Vegas I did not you're fucking not the hands doing the pants

bit but you definitely when I claimed into bed in Vegas I woke up in Vegas he was oh that was

it I claimed in because I was asleep under the air conditioner and I was cold imagine freezing

to death in the that's how I went that's like that's like when Steve Irwin died

he was killed by an animal you went oh yeah of course he was he went stingray you went

eh that's not one of the killer ones Colin McRae died in a crash Did he? I'm not surprised actually What kind of crash? Helicopter Are you sure? Trip with the heli

So basically Anyone claims into bed You're just deep into them. I just assume. Well, because, right, since I've just started going out with Gara, I don't share beds with other people. So whenever somebody gets into a bed and I'm like, you must be hurt.

I sometimes get that when I'm back home for the first time in ages. I'll wake up and feel the presence in my bed and go, what have I done? I'll wake up and feel the presence in my bed and be like what have I done I'll fuck up at home oh Jesus I have I have nightmares

about cheating right the sex not involved otherwise it'd just be a cool dream but like you get nightmares with the guilt

I get nightmares what it is is it's I don't I don't have the sex I get nightmares what it is is it's I don't I don't have the sex I don't initiate the sex I I wake up in my

I'm in a dream someone's just climbing to bed you know how it is he's lying there fast asleep they're pillowy that

I find out that I've cheated and it's or it's like literally just at the end and then and then I remember Kara exists and that she's pregnant with my child and I'm like oh god what have I done in the

dream so you like your dream isn't just like you're playing it's like you're playing a computer game you're like I get it I get a run over people in the street on grand fifth daughter but it's all right I can put that down it's a game it don't affect my real life it's not like that it's like you really feel like you've cheated on your wife and you get all of the fucking aye but it's the legit theory of you know

what was I thinking Jesus Christ what am I what am I doing in that situation well I don't know if I've asked this question on the podcast

before I think I have but it's like you know if you have a wet dream that you can like you know what's the name of

lucid if you have a if you have a wet lucid dream I would argue what's the name of the dream? Lucid. Aye. If you have a wet lucid dream, I would argue that's a form of cheating. Nah. Aye. Because if it's a lucid enough dream,

you know it's a dream. Aye. So, don't get me wrong, like, obviously, it's cheating with hand on base. Like,

they can't legit be mad. But like, they get mad at you if you have sex in their dream. So if you're, yeah, that's wanking our porn, that.

It's not a bit. That's how that is. Nah. You're just, you've got a belt's how that is you've got a belt of porn on you've got a really immersive porn on anybody's getting hurt

anybody's I guarantee you there are people out there that get fucking jealousy over that sort of thing they exist there's some but they exist

on a level that some lads get bollocked for watching porn it's not just man it's not just fucking blokes I will say across the board

because man jealousy I've seen it on the other side as well I've seen horrifically illogically for watching porn it's not just man it's not just fucking blokes man I will say across the board because man jealousy I've seen it on the other side as well I've seen horrifically illogically jealous fucking men I think

it's one of the worst personality traits you can have and people do not fucking correct it enough they're just like oh I'm jealous

and you go alright that's your fucking sort that out immediately oh I'm a ped you go alright that's your fucking sort that out immediately oh I'm a pedo I love fucking kids that's just

clip that onto a button it's such a it's that it's that fucking Paris thing of like we're just bastards to people

and you go right objectively all of you change it then you know what I think the worst form of jealousy is?

Pre-relationship jealousy. One of my friends started giving out to me about his last had been with somebody before they'd met. And he was like, but she didn't own up to it or something. And then I found out she had, and that's why I'm mad at her. So he's trying to twist it now.

And I'm like, none of it matters. None of it matters. And if she's lying to you to cover up that she slept with him, it's because she's fucking smelt that it's gonna be chaos if she finds out you're acting like a fucking psycho you're bringing up things that she did

actions she took before she knew of your fucking existence aye like you are none of this affects you the person that she is now is the reaction

to all of the things that happened before and brought up at this point like you can't if you unpick that, you're unpicking who she is as a person. So, like, it was one of them things where it was, when a friend's telling you,

because you're their mate and they want to try to get your side, and you're like, I'm not on your side, even though I'm hearing it from the point of view of you. This is how wrong you are. I've listened to you spit it and you're still fucking wrong. Like, you're mad at, you've told this from the perspective of a victim

and I still am like, you are a piece of shit. You know, like, I checked the behaviour when he saw it from the cool highlight. And you know what it is often with that?

It's like, you're carrying that in from a previous relationship. Oh, that's another huge sin. That means you're not ready to get into that relationship yet because you've still

got the toxins. Oh, sorry, the reason that... You've still got the toxins. Oh, sorry. The reason that... You've still got the one-up, Mr. Chib. The reason I don't like you drinking, like going out and drinking at night with your friends is because my last partner used to go out drinking with their friends all the time

and they'd come back and be really mean to me. Like, oh, cool. Go to fucking therapy and talk to a therapist about that. Why on earth are you bringing anything that happened in your previous relationship

to this one and I'll listen and I'll be fucking sensitive to it but how fucking dare you put me in the same ballpark

as this person you fucking left because they were a cunt all you all you motherfucker leave that behind or get the fuck out of this relationship

you're not ready you're immature and you're damaged aye and then you can I drink. You're immature and you're damaged. Aye. And then you can't... I'd drink if that's not what you like. I'm not for you. Off you fucking popcorn hole.

Why are you doing it instead of looking for someone that works for you? Why are you looking for someone that doesn't work for you and then twisting them with a compliance until there's somebody they don't recognise themselves so that you've... But he did this so you must be the same thing. Alright, well, there's no no this can't go any fucking further

also we were speaking about this the other day what's worse cheating or going through someone's phone I think

they're both acts of betrayal 100% they're both betrayals of trust. You're going to go ahead and say the cheating's worse. But by millimetres. They're both a goal.

One of them's a fucking top net 18 yards and the other one's fumbled in, but they're both a goal for the same team you know they're both betrayals um i think if i if i found myself looking through natalie's phone whether it was on a hunch whether it was just you know just to have a little look what's going on like out of now what's happening with her personal life like i'm aware quite a bit has anything been if I found myself looking through her phone I would feel like

I was properly betrayed I think I'd get the exact same emotions if I climbed like if I climbed into another woman's bed I would

I'd have the same like the synapses would be firing like fucking the red flags of your behaviour would be fucking

showing up. I would rather Cara found me going through her mum's underwear drawer than me going through it. And by the way, and that is better. That is objectively clear-cut better. Like Cara could walk in on me

sniffing her mouth, just go, oh yeah, there it is, there. That is objectively unequivocally better than her walking in on me going through her phone aye oh oh

one of my let's say one of my mates texted a friend and then like a few a while later got a text message back off the phone off the friend's partner you saying why wasn't i invited to this thing it wasn't even like a real deceitful thing it was just to like invite to them and i was like oh where's my invite and they're like whoa what the

fuck now my my now my relationship's compromised with this person because i'm not just texting that person i'm texting two people yeah oh by the, and if you're one of these fucking psychos that's listening to this conversation going, how can these two people say that going through a phone is as bad as cheating? Because even if your partner is cheating, right, and you're going through the phone, you have no idea what else is in that fucking phone, right?

You've no idea. You're not going into a bank to find a fucking jewel. You're breaking into someone's house and just looking at at fucking everything you don't know the conversations they're having with their parents you don't know the conversations are having with their friends you don't know where their mental health is at but and you don't because you don't trust them you're a bad fucking person there are so many other things you're looking for one thing but it's not like a needle in a fucking haystack you're going it's like lifting off the top of their fucking brain we do everything everything on our phones all of your insecurities your insecurities, all of your fears,

all of your worries, all your hopes and your dreams and everything, conversations. You've got the fucking gall to go into somebody's private thing. All your hypocrisies. All the stuff you've said you didn't mean. You're just trying to have... Banner. Out of context fucking banner. He has some foot as well.

Like, you know, if... Say if Cara cheats on you, if if big if when when harry when when cara cheats on you she's cheating on you right but you know if she looks through your phone and she's looking at conversations with you and all your friends she's actually betrayed a bunch of other people as well like there's other people that are being betrayed in that scenario. And they're all smaller betrayals than the one where you cheat on the person. But there's still more people caught in the crossfire. Like, man, if I told one of my friends a secret

or confided in them or something, I don't want that person to just go, oh, right, there we go, broadcast. Anybody want to look at me phone? Do you want to dive in? Especially if you've gone through somebody's phone and somebody else, or they have fucking revealed a secret,

you've now just got fucking horrific amounts of ammo and you're already fucking angry because you're retail and you're going to use that. How do I know that you're going to use it? Because you're the type of immature person that goes through somebody else's phone. So you are a spiteful,

vindictive person and you are heightened in your emotions. And when you are like that, you do illogical, evil things. Like honestly, if I was in a relationship spiteful vindictive person and you are heightened in your emotions and when you are like that you do illogical evil things like honestly if in if if i was in a relationship right and uh i cheated on them right and then they found out because they went through my phone i'm like one all and it's over like oh yeah i would be like oh yeah i went wrong for each other and they're like are you sorry I'm like well I was

I definitely was but I think it was I think it was right to cheat because I think you're like that aye I didn't know at the time you are the type of person

that should be cheated on if that's your behaviour actually now that I think about it and I know this is a self-fulfilling from prophecy and I know you're going to take this into the next relationship and I know you're going to

go through that person's phone because you're not going to do anything to get rid of all the problems relationship and I know you're going to go through that person's phone because you're not going to do anything to get rid of all the problems that you have because you feel justified in this because for this one example, you have been correct. You're going to carry this into every single relationship

in the future. And for that, I'm sorry, because clearly I've cemented you as a cunt for the rest of your fucking life. And this is the thing, Natalie's got the passcode for my phone and she can go in and like

if she needs to get something off my phone like if if she wants to use my bank card on my Apple Pay or something like that right

or if just get a phone number off it she doesn't need me there to get into my phone if she needs to be on my phone but I do that

because I trust that she's not going to go through it if I thought for a second that she was going to start going through my shit I'd pass her that because that's mine

aye oh also by the way I show Cara anything on my phone like she kind of came up and go can I see this conversation you have with this person

I go yeah alright I've got nothing to hide but it's not about that I wouldn't feel comfortable with Natalie going through our group chat with the comedians I don't think it's fair

you know what she could say any of them things and say it but I don't think it's fair you know I actually could say any of them things and say but I don't think it's fair for like any of you lot to then have

you're in a group that's closed with 10 close mates and now all of a sudden you're in a group with 20 people because everybody's got a partner

like I think there's an etiquette to be had there whenever we're having good banter I do show kind of clips yeah you'll sample you're going to have

a look at that you know what I say on my worst days when we're fucking eating each other's throat and making cunts of ourselves aye times we've embarrassed ourselves

having horrible arguments doubling down she's like is that the man I'm marrying is that who you are is that how toxic you are with your past it's the football group

it's not my fault aye erm I had a fucking meh this morning aye em I had a fucking mare this morning to change the subject I fucking because you know

the day right where em we're going back on tour from today so I'm staying at your house because we've got flights in Edinburgh we'll play the board game

we'll talk about that in a minute and em also just before we do get into this how fucking class has it been to have a weekend off

oh so good I haven't been well and it's still been class I decided when I was on my couch with my dog with my lass watching the football

with a beer right ill as fuck which no COVID I've tested negative twice but just classic man flu sniffles sneezing and that

oh so cancerous aye yeah so how you doing Jesus Christ I don't know, is that bad? It's been pretty bad, I'm going to be honest.

That sounds fucking horrific. But I've decided I'd rather be ill. Like you told pregnant Cara. I just completely, aye, put her life into perspective. Right, I thought,

I thought you meant in case she catches it. Oh, no, no. Women can't catch a man flu. That baby survived fucking everything at this point. I was just saying, like,

the mental state I'm in, I'd rather be ill at home than the fittest I've ever been on the road right now. That's just where I was at. So I've had a lovely weekend off, apart from Newcastle getting me a phone-in and being ill. Aye. So what I did is, because it's Christmas and that,

I bought a bunch more books to sell you know how I did it last year but last year it was locked down I hadn't had any other job so this time

it was a bit more like I've got to get it all done in this weekend if I want everyone to have these books before Christmas I've got to put it out there order like order before the weekend

I'll get them posted before Monday and they're still available on order I just kind of guarantee before Christmas now they probably would if you're in the UK they'll probably them posted before Monday. They're still available on order, I just kind of guarantee before Christmas now. They probably would. If you're in the UK, they'll probably reach you before Christmas

because I can do a post run on the 18th. But it just meant that I wanted to get everybody who ordered this weekend posted on Monday. And Natalie's been helping us out with it and that question hasn't pushed. And I went to the post office this morning at nine and it was one of them where it's like in the back of the shop.

There's the co-op and then there's the post office at the back and i got in the co-op was open but like the post office opens at 10 but there's one at harvey avenue so i went to harvey avenue there's fucking open at nine am i really late i tried to get there for before up and like nine o'clock and i get there i caught up last name because i went the different one fucking queue wrap on the block and i'm like I guarantee if I can't wait in that empty shop now I'll get to the front of the queue quicker than if I join this queue

so I can't back to the other one so this time it's like half past nine and I got in the shop and I had my box of books and that and like posters for the dads

for the parents thank you for the subscribers yeah everybody who's ten pound patron now the posters are sent so they're sent now so if you're still waiting for it

it's on the way so I had all of my books and all that and I went in and there was an EQ and it didn't open for half an hour and I was just like I'm just going to wait here because the queue's a bit long she was like you can't wait in the shop I'm guessing like Covid stuff and I was like I'll wait in the car and she was like you can't post all that I was like what do you mean she was like there's no way you can't wait in the shop I'm guessing like Covid stuff and I was like I'll wait in the car and she was like and you can't post all that

I was like what do you mean she was like there's no way you can't get through all that and you know what I'd done the majority of them in the post box

because you can print out the labels any UK ones I could just put as a large I put them in but some of them had all had more than two books some of them were overseas I fucking had about like

50 items that I had to post and she just wouldn't accept them. There was no queue. There was nobody in the shop. I was half an hour early, and she just wouldn't accept them. And I was like, so what do I do? She was like, I don't know, like you can send five and then queue again.

I was like, like 10 times? She was saying like the queue's going to be big when it starts. She's like, the queue's going to be big behind you. And I was like, well, do you want us to start like filling in the customs forms on the back of the new and that and separate them into piles so I can get some stuff done pre-ordered, pre-organised? Is that when you're opening it? She's like, nah.

She's American? She's Scottish, mate. And you know what as well? She sounds American. I'd done this. I didn't even mean it right. I just went, oh oh this fucking country man i meant britain all right i meant i meant i meant britain just because you know how fucked up

everything's been with the trains last week in that like this the whole infrastructure whole infrastructure of this country is fucking in tatters man and uh and i just went oh this country man and then realized like i'm in scotland i'm in glasgow i've got went oh this country man and then realised like I'm in Scotland I'm in Glasgow I've got a fucking Geordie accent I'm clearly

not Scottish and I didn't mean it but I nearly followed her up well fucking heaven forbid you get independence you can't fucking deal with it aye aye aye it's Her Majesty's

fucking post office nah but it's your problem but Danny I've I've I've I've

I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've

I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've

I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've and now this wouldn't happen in London I'm sorry but that wouldn't happen in London they've got an operation going on doing there

I've never it's nothing to do with Scotland I was just fucking up the high door and it's like if you're in Spain and that thing happens you hate Spain if I haven't been in Spain it that thing happens you hate Spain no no no you know what I mean if I haven't been in Spain it was objectively

the Spanish person's fault well it was hard for us to not just go in this tiny little country it was hard for us not to go in like that this little fucking village of a country

it was really hard because I'm like what do I do do I have to go into England to post these just go to a different post office you saw what happened

to the different post offices wrapped around the block and that's what it was here last year as well but I had all the time in my hands I basically last

time when I did it your local post office that has a massive queue as well I waited an hour at a time for that and done them

at least they pushed them through so it's a standard rule then that's a standard rule the post

office have in Scotland I don't know the times I've been in London there's been like eight or nine like fucking things so even if you've got

loads of stuff you're just bottlenecking it you're not blocking it completely it's I'm sure I'm sure there's bigger post offices

in Scotland and I'm just being a whinge I just feel like that's one of the roles where you just go that's not I don't know what it's to prevent and as well

you know her rule there when she was like I can only take five items she made that rule up aye that's a lie you know like what I really wanted to do

right was send me brown wife and see if she'd make up a rule on her aye oh well you're brown wife it was a Scottish accent

I know she'd probably just say oh come on in we'll take them out I'm saying that I was probably the one being discriminated no we don't discriminate

against the journeys I've never felt it before I didn't think that was it I just think she was lazy I think she was just like I don't want to do that so I'm not going to anyway Natalie did it when I was at the dentist she went don't want to do that so I'm not going to anyway

Natalie did it when I was at the dentist she went to a different post office that was empty at the dentist have you heard of a place called Bridgeton

in Glasgow no fuck me man it was rancid well it's Glasgow and that turns out

I've lived in quite a sheltered part of Glasgow but because it's one of our patrons cheers Charlie one of our patrons got us in because I'm getting

the Invisalign thing which actually we're not using Invisalign it's like a different brand I have no idea what Invisalign is Invisalign's like you put in these

like covers on your teeth and you get like like every couple of weeks you change them as the shape of your teeth change and it just slowly moves your teeth into place over the course of like whatever six months to the shape of your teeth change and it just slowly moves your teeth into place

over the course of like whatever, six months to a year depending on how bad they are. Braces. They put them in, not even braces, more like a gum shield

that's non-intrusive and clear and you can just live your life while it's in. You can't eat, but it wouldn't affect my speech and you wouldn't be able to tell unless you were too close. Not any more than it's already done.

No, I make it better. But I'm serious saying the vain in Spain falls mainly on the plain fucking hell are you predicting linguistic lessons no no these little bad boys so I'm saying Invisalign

but it's not Invisalign it's the name of the brand it's like saying Kleenex when it's actually a tissue right you know when you just say the brand but he's like oh it's exactly the same thing

it's just Invisalign you're paying more money for the marketing and I was like so these are like the two stripe ones he was like exactly

they're going to work two stripe Adidas two stripe now Callum the two stripes you know when you've got like Adidas and you get kids at school

that wear two stripes and you're like two stripes sometimes you get four stripes and you call them Adistripe that's just the most whacking class

nobody at my school Revered Adidas Whacking dresses Honestly No So you never saw Like it's like Oh I saw Jakey's

Wearing them But I wasn't like Fucking they look Mint Like there was a couple Of cunty fucking neds In my school Who would wear them

But none of us Thought they were Class Nah Oh because you're A pauv if you didn't Have the three stripes, if you had the two stripes.

Okay, so it's the little version of... Aye, yeah. Wow. So I was like, you know what you're doing? You're starting a fucking dentist practice in this place. He was like, aye, he's mostly working in the denture game. He's just like, New Year's coming up. New Year's and Christmas is coming up

that's always a big time of year lots of people getting fucking fighty so that basically I was going to go in and get my teeth

sort of like the consultation for my teeth and Natalie was going to go into the post office because she couldn't take the dog

into the post office and she was like there's no chance even for like 20 minutes I'm leaving the dog in the car in this place

and I was like but I didn't feel right leaving you and the dog in the car when i'm at the dentist all right so you have to come in you know you were saying there the um you know he's he's clearly built a tooth place in glasgow because he's gonna get a lot of marketing there on a scale of uh one to ten like one being peggy and ten being fucking hitler let's just use that one on a scale of one to ten on evilness where do florists land for you for evil uh-huh oh because you think they're profiteering from i don't think they're profiteering off a grief I know they're profiteering off a grief This is such a cynical way of looking at it Is it?

This is so cynical Is it? Because they're providing a service That brings a bit of Not joy to the occasion But like a bit of ceremony To an occasion For that much money? They arm walked up a tiny bit

but still got to pay the rent and i always think this like you you've got you've got to you've got to pay your overheads and i'm not comparing it to nazis that's why i gave you the flowers Oh, I... Man, every... I didn't want to think of it like that. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, every time a child dies, a florist is... Making money. Rubbing its fingers...

Oh, here we go! Aye, I never even considered that. They're profiteering from death. Aye. And love. It's not on. It's a bit fucking... Oh, but surely they're profiteering from death aye and love it's not on it's a bit fucking oh but surely they're sweet people

surely their surely their goal is to provide like if you're going to be maybe I differ maybe but if your goal is to provide then surely what you're doing is

you're looking at the areas going loads of people die there that's where I'll set up business because that's where I'll make the most money and then I'll be able to serve more people you're doing is you're looking in the areas going loads of people die there that's where I'll set up business because that's where I'll make the most money and then I'll be able to serve more people you're like aye but you are just you're looking for more day aye they're like fucking businesses booming right now

there's a pandemic this is fucking new variant dude get the red panties on love there's a fucking Omicron look it's not they're not they're obviously not above five they're not above five

on this scale but they're not two they're not it's a calculated I'm gonna profit off of don't get me wrong as a comedian I fall in on

probably five or six I will make jokes about this the holocaust 9-11 and everything else in the fucking world, and I profit off of that. So I rate Florence below me on that scale, but...

Nah, because you're not directly profiting from death. It's not like the more death, the more profit with a comic. It's definitely the more death. You're getting me on board. I'm fighting your argument now. I've went full circle. I'm just going to sit over here. And another thing.

So this lad, Charlie, he took, have I had impressions of your teeth done? Oh, yeah, I had to get them made. It's like silly putty. And he's like pushing them on. He's like pressing them on the thing and he

he's chatting away listening to the podcast now so already knows a little bit about what what to her and their lives

and that so like it was just fucking nice to have a chat with him and he was asking about

getting back from America and how to find New Orleans because he's been to New Orleans quite a few times and he was like

oh he got our flight cancelled back from there as well. Like, I can relate because he heard the podcast. We were getting stuck in Philly. And he was like, aye, we got stuck on the runway. And I was, so I've been chatting to him. And then he puts the thing and I can't stop chatting to him. And I was on the seat next to him. It was fucking Stone Cold Steve Austin that fucking lost me mate

I couldn't react I just had to lie there underwhelmed underwhelmed by him sat next to Stone Cold Steve Austin as soon as he got the impression you kind of just drop a book that is cool

I was like man that's fucking sick. Aye, that would, aye, that would send me, Guinea. You'd get Guinea, wouldn't you?

Oh, God, yeah. And you know what, I wasn't even huge into wrestling, but like, the moment in time that I concentrated on the wrestling and like,

showed an interest in it, that was that. Getting up in the corner, asking for two cans of beer, fucking smashing together pouring them over his lovely pectorals the glass shattering oh good great entrance music fucking oh god that is class i do get um i do get worried about how honest we are in this podcast because like sometimes marlena doesn't nag but you know when she just gives an opinion

where you're like I didn't need to hear that opinion keep that in your head it's not where she's just like sometimes you're very honest in the podcast

I'm like ah that's the podcast it's a chance for me to fucking rant and vent and just be honest and also I'm not very good I am

in fact I am very good at lying I just don't enjoy lying it's effort to lie um the amount of people that have been coming up to us after gigs in the past one week they're just like we're really sorry you had to do this show and i'm like oh no it's not it's not the show it's not the show it's not the show guys i promise you the show is the best bit of the day most of the time you're like

it was with X that's why we didn't do a podcast through the back end of that tour aye aye but no I promise and then it's the kind

of I'm really sorry we wish you could just be home but we're really glad you came I'm like guys no it's please son

that makes me feel so much worse the bit it's never the show right well occasionally it's the show but whenever it never the show, right? Occasionally it's the show, but whenever it's the show that's notable,

it's the place, something fucked up, or we're just in it, or we just have a bad show. Oh, if you see us in the airport, give us that. Yes, aye. If you see us in the airport, and you're excited because you got on holding, you're not always in airports, and you see us just going,

oh man, I'm sorry you're still in this purgatory. Yes, aye. If you see us just going, oh man, I'm sorry you're still in this purgatory. Yes, aye. If you see us having a silent Nandos together, that's when you're allowed to be like, please don't ever think, my complaints about this tour are always for the other 22 hours of the day. It's the 22 hours of road.

It's the 22 hours of of road it's the 22 hours of nothingness it's it's the 22 hours of just of not being with your loved ones and being away for extended it i promise you it's that like it's like when you're ill right there's this amazing thing that happens when you walk on stage that you are unable to piss yourself you are unable to piss yourself. You are unable to shit yourself. Even if you've got diarrhoea. You are unable to. I haven't sneezed on stage. And last week.

I was sneezing so much. Because of the man flu. Yeah. I've never sneezed on stage. It's. It's just something happens. Man. There was times.

Remember fucking back in the days. At MCAT. Oh the meow meow. Aye. That fucking really horrible. Horrible. Like. Methy. Plant food. Oh it's horrible. Horrible drug. in the days of MCAT? Oh, the meow meow. Aye, that fucking really horrible, horrible, like,

meth-y plant food. Oh, it was a horrible drug. It hurt when it went up your nose. Aye. It was like a swarm of bees. It just fucking made your eyes wide and your fucking... It was just giving you intensity. It wasn't like the garden

that you got on Ekkies where it was... But it was just... It would start, like, killing your wrists in. Aye, aye. Cerebral palsy in a fucking line, that's what it was. it would start like killing your wrist aye aye cerebral palsy in a fucking line

that's what it was you just have a little bit of palsy you're fucking one step away from having spice what are you doing really I ate one step away from fucking spice there was that time

and I remember it was Cheltenham I remember exactly where we were because we'd done so much well not even that we drank a lot it was my first time ever going into any sort of drugs like that because it was Cheltenham. I remember exactly where we were because we'd done so much. Well, not even that. We drank a lot. It was my first time ever going into any sort of drugs like that

because it was with all your Geordie mates. So even though I considered... Farnham? Was it not Farnham? No, it might have been after the Farnham gig. Was it not that party where a kid came up to me? It was in a council estate in Blythe.

Aye. It was my mate. It was like fairway night or something. He was setting some fairways off and there was some bans there And this kid went Kai what are you eating I went no

He went Why are you chewing then I went I'm off my fucking tits mate Yeah Yeah It must have been that time And then we had a seven hour drive

To Farnham No It might have been Farnham It was definitely Cheltenham because I remember because we were at

Cheltenham earlier this year and I remembered the bathrooms that I spewed and had a sad wanking so we got to Cheltenham

and man and I am spewing like I remember we went to fucking Pizza Express I ordered a lasagna I took one bite of lasagna And my body went

That And a whole bunch Of other shit's coming up I spewed Got to the point Where it was the closest I'd ever come to Like cancelling a show

Like before I'm due to I do remember The Cheltenham gig I remember the room I remember the outside of it Yep I was The worst condition

I've ever been in my life You were laying on a wall for a bit outside weren't you? Yeah, yeah, real real. And you were also bad, but I was just having like a horrendous fucking time with it It was like I might be able to I might have to pull this I don't want to do like obviously you're like we can't pull it like this and also The audience went in Yeah, and for some reason for some, Cheltenham was big numbers. Like, this is before everything, right?

So like the other gigs we were doing was like 50 to 60. And then we get to Cheltenham on a Sunday and they're like, there's 230 people in there. And we were like, 230? What? So I'm like,

so the part of it is, I can't cancel this for some reason. I'm successful in Cheltenham. And you went on, you're like, man, they're really nice. I'm like, man, I really don't know if I have it. I overran. There's something. And you went on, you're like, man, they're really nice. I'm like, man, I really don't know if I have it. I overran.

Is there something about it, being on stage? It's medicinal. The adrenaline. And in those moments, you forget everything. Like, you don't miss home. Even when I'm telling jokes about the people I've missed, or whenever I'm talking about Gareth on stage, I'm also enjoying that

because it's people laughing at the situation we have. It removes homesickness sometimes because you're out there doing the thing you love. I promise you. I'm never, ever annoyed by the time I'm spending on stage. And I'm not even annoyed or upset by meeting people afterwards. Again, one of the fun things about being famous

is random people telling you they love you. That's class. They're the two things on on tour they're meeting people after the show and the show itself they're the things that give you energy everything else takes yeah everything else takes takes it's the three hours before the gig those are just the it's the it's it's the sound check where somebody that just doesn't get it which is rare like at this level new sound checks are usually built up but sometimes every every now and again you'll run through the queues that just doesn't get it which is rare like at this level now sound checks are usually built up but sometimes

every now and again you'll run through the cues and you'll load up the cues and you'll gotta do the cues and the cue doesn't come

and you'll explain it again and then you'll do it again and it doesn't come and then when you know going into the show it's gonna get they're gonna get it wrong and every now and again

that happens that saps the fucking life out of me that like yeah and also like we're not a difficult we've got two Q's

your walk on and my walk on but it's because they're polar opposites people can't they're like right so four guys walk on

cut the music Daniel will talk play the music for Daniel play the music Daniel will talk continue to play the music. For Daniel, play the music. Daniel will talk, continue to play the music. Yeah, so that's it. I always try and make it clear.

They're similar, but not the same. The music and lights come down at the same time, leaving the red spot on the stage. And then on mine, leave the silence for Danny to talk over. As soon as he says my name, play the track. Boom. On Danny's, bring the lights down, bring the music down, red spot on the stage. Don't wait for him to talk over. As soon as he says my name, play the track. Boom. On Danny's, bring the lights down, bring the music down,

red spot on the stage. Don't wait for him to talk. Just play the music. Two different cues. Right? Fuck me. I'm going to say 20% of the time it goes wrong. Aye,

20% of the time you've got someone like, I don't, I kind of, I kind of pat my head and rub my tummy, man, it's fucking one or the other, one or the other. So yeah, it just made me feel so bad. Look, I love, tell me man it's fucking one or the other one or the other so yeah

it just made me feel so bad look I love I love the fact that we're allowed to fucking complain and bitch and moan about

how tight our diamond shoes are on this podcast but it brings my heart this gives me energy this do we apologise because we're bringing

you a podcast because this I'm sorry if I was complaining or me specifically complaining about what was going on on the tour

ever made any of you feel like I didn't want to be there I do, I really really do this is still my dream job it's just occasionally sapping at other points so I'm sorry we'll try and bitch it's funny because if you complain about

a whole operation everybody in the operation will take it on the chin because they're part of that operation but you're like oh no like for the 80 percent of this operation that sucks there's 20 that doesn't like they don't get caught in the crossfire but like you do you catch people in the crossfire it's like i said when you when you fucking take down a whole nation because of one person there's a couple of spaniards listen to the podcast going, oh, but we're nice. No, again, Spain, it doesn't... America, correct, right?

England, that example's correct. Spain, that example's not... They're all bastards. They're all bad. We've never had a good time there. Gloomhaven's class. Gloomhaven is fucking brilliant. Like, I always have been overwhelmed

by how much shit was on the table when I got in I woke up five hours out of for those that don't know Gloomhaven it's one of the biggest board games in the world in the sense that I think it takes 200 hours minimum to complete like there's 100

I love that you put your character back in the box all your cards, your deck it's D&D without the dungeon master so it's it's D&D without the dungeon master so it's it's it's very difficult but man the rule book is

50 full pages long and it's it's hard to and there's not if the thing about D&D that puts you off

it's like the improv and the acting and the performative side of it like the dressing up as the character and the role playing if that puts you off and you're more into like the if you're just playing on the computer like the dressing up as the character and the role playing if that puts you off

and you're more into like the if you're just playing on the computer like the top down and this is your board and you move

people around it and you use well here's the annoying thing like Gloomhaven they've just come out with the game version of it

the PC game oh lush and it's just way faster like Skyrim no not even because it'll be turn based

it'll be more like XCOM 2 yeah so it's turn based top down and you can Skyrim no not even because it'll be turn based it'll be more like XCOM 2 yeah so it's turn based top down and you can play with your friends so even when I when I was really struggling to learn the rules

I was like we could all just like get this and I was like no no no like I really want this oh you mean like doing like the Gloomhaven

exactly as it is like on the computer they've got that oh like like when you play chess on the computer it's still chess

they're not doing like here's the like amped up version of it. No, no, but they do the monster movements for you. They do the things, you just pick your cards. And I can tell it's easier and funner, but what I really want is you be calling a gara through the table, doing it all the time.

It's class. I nearly called them chips again, having chips. Doritos, mate. I've been in, I've been in America six weeks and just because you get it wrong a couple of times,

right? Aye. You just want fishy chips a couple of times and you end up with crisps where you're like, right, I'm going to speak their language

a little bit while I'm here just to be understood. I said, oh, I've got that hummus from the writer like Cara you got any chips I said I said chips in a room full of people Scottish people and I was like what did you just say and I was like this is worse than Did you ever do that? Yeah I called her mam I called the maintenance technician At Concordia Dad once

Just in case It just came out I was like Mate fucking hell You're a good bloke Miss I remember calling Oh fuck Miss Miss Else I called her you're a good bloke Miss I remember calling oh fuck

Miss Miss Else I called her mum thankfully it was only her that heard so it wasn't

but still enough that I could draw you the room that I did oh no way it's one of those

seared into my fucking head I could tell you where everyone was sat I could tell you what direction we were facing it's one of those seared into my fucking neck like I can tell you where everyone was sat I can tell you

what direction we're facing I remember the weather it's just my fucking seven year old brain just went snap keep it in

that button that you accidentally pressed on the playstation that nobody uses for realsies oh why is that a main button

just check 10 and put it off the control bar I'm never gonna use it that nobody uses for realsies. Oh, why is that a main button? Just take 10 puns off the control part, I'm never going to use it. That's where Fantasia's a superpower. Any of their moments I've had, they're just behind a wall of darkness, where they belong. No, that's probably, probably serious to remember.

I went the opposite, man. I got Pally with a teacher and she was called Mrs Creswell and I called her Cresy oh I thought you were going to say

you called her by her first real name and I'm like that's as bad as dead naming someone you can't use a teacher's first name

you can on a Sunday but when are you ever with them on a Sunday no fucking Mr Letham Oh yeah Do you know

I call him Stu I didn't even know That was his name It was never mind Teacher I just shook his hand Got his name I am Mrs Noble

Ross Noble's mate Comes to my shows Now and again I'd never call her Anne So like I've got some Wayne Academy Had many many

Really brilliant teachers Who were very very very supportive of my career early on and they came to shows, I remember Miss McPherson my science teacher came and the old director came and everything and every time even to this day Stuart, I message him regularly

we message at least once a month we talk about Critical Role, we talk about Dungeons and Dragons we talk about Marvel stuff before shows I'll go for a pint with him we'll have a laugh together he's really good company right

he's a good fucking laugh consistently he's like please stop calling me sir and I'm like I can't do that sir I know they couldn't get it to stick in my school

Colin the teachers they tried because they're all women fair enough the only ones who listen we'll bat them with cloaks Teach us, sir. No. They try. Because they're all women. Fair enough. The only ones we're listening to are the bloke's. Women are on base.

I remember Mr. Ruff trying to get a response to sir when we were answering the register and all the kids were like, nah, till you've been knighted. Until you've slayed a fucking dragon. Not happening. It was just like a flat out refute

before none of the kids. Mr. Rothbury. Or teacher. Mr. Rothbury. Aye. Aye, just for the call of his full name, I'd rather chuck in four more syllables than show you any respect.

He's such a fucking scumbag idiot. I can't say. Someone kind enough to put all their time and effort in to teaching the next generation, people who do deserve respect, teachers. You know what? I'm going to take the low salary. I'm going to take the zero fucking budget. I'm going to go out and I'm going to take the low salary I'm going to take the zero fucking budget

I'm going to go out and I'm going to try and educate these ungrateful we didn't know that we thought they were authoritarians we thought they were

the 5-0 fucking we thought teachers were pigs man yeah that's only because the actual pigs wouldn't bother you because you weren't doing anything

because they're scared you're not being persecuted enough you're like well there's got to be bastards somewhere I reckon it's that cunt

spending his weekends trying to improve my intellect when he marks grades one of the funniest memories from school is getting bollocked off a teacher

the whole school the whole class he was bollocking the whole class going fucking mad and he's like desk like this he's walking back the whole school the whole class he was bollocking the whole class going fucking mad and he's desk like this he's walking back and forward

behind the desk while he's fucking laying the law doing he's actually got where he's got the room everyone's quiet like

I've never seen Mr. like this like he's fucking got he's got couldn't slip not a pencil mate I saw his feet

before he disappeared lost it lost it lost it all there's only there's only there's only one way to come back from that right

it's to stay it's to stay down under the table for like a minute right let the laughter die down right and then pretend to walk up

some stairs back up and be like right but have something under your arms just quickly get out of one of the drawers get some stuff

food get you right you've all got lines have you ever been bollocked with one of your mates where there's like both of you getting bollocked and once you get like took the class

and the two of you are getting bollocked and you just catch your mate's eye and you fucking go like you go like there's there's knee way you're keeping your face no I didn't you've got no control over your like you go like there's there's no way you're keeping your face no I didn't

you've got no control over your face you're like oh my goody two shoes man I never the only time I ever got bollocked I'd fucking

this was to Mr Letham man this was I was in like first or second year and being my friend we were just man we were just being dicks

right we were just running we were just being dicks to each other right and I run He's about to beat me up because I've hit him in the balls And I sprint Around the fucking corner

Right into Mr Letham You've met Stuart He's what six Three He's got a couple inches on me I was a small I was a small kid This was pre-puberty slosh.

And man, I'd love to tell you, I ran face first into his gut. And I'm pretty sure that's the way he'd like to remember it as well. Because you know when you're running, right? You're doing the thing. Yeah, I'm sprinting. My head's down.

I'm even, I run around this corner, fucking right, my belt print right in the middle of my forehead like a shite Harry Potter WWF he really supported the animals

yeah but it was alligator skin next next message oh but he was so he was like Mr. Leather next next message is em oh man he was so he was

like and Mr Lethem was the one man you you didn't piss him off man he was like the scary one he was the one whenever teachers lost the room

they were like I'll go get Mr Lethem you go everyone shut the fuck up alright fair enough which is so weird now because now that he's

a human well to be fair it was now once you get into like because after higher years you start yeah once there's the year when you choose to stay on at school there's you kind of level up a little bit and the teachers go all right yous are nice and we're going to start treating you a bit more like we don't have to be as authoritative it's not about you know carrot and stick sort of thing.

We still will if we have to, but, you know, I'm going to teach you with a bit more, a modicum more of respect. So he was one of those ones, and obviously now that we're friends and stuff, but, man, he was a fucking, man, he scared the fucking shit out of me as good. I don't...

There was one teacher. I didn't mind the teacher that, like, really had that way. No, the fear's important. We had one teacher, and I'll not name this one. Sorry, go on. There was one teacher, and I might have told this on this podcast before, I apologise, but that's what this podcast is.

Quake 3, I managed to fit on a fucking, my dad got it onto a pen drive, right, because he's a great man. In our techie class, I installed it on all of the great man in our techie class i installed on all of the computers so our techie teacher he tried to be friendly he tried to be one of the cool teachers and and man that's not how you become a cool teacher aftershave i never trusted those guys like the teachers were aftershave was he trying to pull he smelled good getting compliments

off the lasses and that fuck off get out of here at the start he was like you're allowed to play once you've done your work

you can all play on the computers together and then one day some kid just started playing Quake and we're like well he's not weighed so we all started playing it

and he comes back into the class and he's not that bothered because we've all finished work but as the weeks go on it just becomes Quake class and we just go

and we play Quake all the time and at one point he's behind the desk he can tell he knows he's lost it all he's like if you don't stop

playing Quake I'll go get the headmistress and we were like man if you do that you're fired there's no way we're the ones

like we're gonna get in trouble absolutely but nowhere near as much trouble she's gonna walk in and be like how the fucking shit We're going to get in trouble, absolutely, but nowhere near as much trouble. She's going to walk in and be like, how the fucking shit did it ever get to this?

You're all obviously detention, but you are done. You're out of here, mate. What else are they going to get on the computers? Probably the one teacher that struck fear out of people was Mrs Noble who I mentioned before because she was the head of year

short woman but like you didn't fuck with her she was straight with you and I was never I was never mean to her I was never like bad with her

because with her being the head of year she's who you've got to put on detention with and I always wanted to be out of detention so I'm not going to be naughty in detention I was always wanted to be out of detention so I'm not going to be

naughty in detention I was always sound so like even though she was the kind of like fear figure in the

school she was the person who I was the kindest to out of all the teachers which is why we get along still

after I left because I never give her any shit did you call her miss Mrs Noble Mrs Noble

what do you say for Do you have like a say equivalent Do you call the teacher as madam Miss Miss Even missus Even the married ones Yeah

Yeah Just all miss What if they weren't married If you ever full named them Do you ever Do you ever fancy a teacher Oh yeah Ah those

Miss Miss Kelly And she was my I mean everyone fancied her Because like What Because she She was hot

But she was like That must be horrible Being a hot teacher In a school that's got Like young Aye Like Like

Bordering pubescent children You know Aye You're starting To become sentient to women Like That would be horrible Like Fuck man That's another shitty thing to children you know like you're starting to become sentient to women like that would be horrible

like fuck man that's another shitty thing that women have to go on through I don't have

to burn with hey hey hey fucking mystery just go

over by the girls it's got boys are gross though aye

aye I remember Miss Kelly she was nice she was a biology teacher but I didn't take biology

but she did her we just had her for reggie, registration. So you go in at like 10 to nine, and she goes through the names, and then at nine you fuck off to your actual classes and stuff. So she was just silent. It was just like, she was dead nice. I always crack my knuckles in my neck, and you know I do that, right?

It was the only time I've ever had it with a teacher. She was like, you'll give yourself arthritis if you do that. And the only time I've ever had it with a teacher she was like you'll give yourself arthritis if you do that and I was like no you won't she's like well

I'm like no you won't there's no like what that is that's not bones cracking together that's just air popping through the joints that's what that noise is

it's got nothing to do with arthritis I think I bought that fear mongering I always do I feel like that's going to cause lasting damage if you keep doing it.

No. I always thought like it was, even if you didn't get arthritis it would be like abrasive like at some point. Oh, I mean, maybe that's true but I was like,

man, I could be wrong. She was a biology teacher but I remember the time I was like, I was like, you're a biology teacher, you should know

that this is the case but yeah, no, she was. Is it like one of those things like if you swallow chewing gum it'll stick to your ribs my gran used to when I used to bite my nails

she was like if you bite your nails you know they don't they'll just stay in your stomach and then you just have a big pile of nails and I was like oh I'll spit them out then she didn't stop you biting your nails

no no not at all so you didn't get into trouble much at school I did I got like the first ever detention in East Weems Primary School. I've done that on the... Such a lame school. Aye, aye.

Because... I wasn't even at school when it fucking happened. But my group of friends bullied some other kid. And because I was the fucking ringleader, the most bullied kid in the group, when I came back to school, they're like, you've got detention. I'm like, I wasn't even here. I was the fucking ringleader, like the most popular kid in the group, when I came back to school, they're like, you've got detention. I'm like, I wasn't even here.

I was a bully though. Well, I wasn't like a... So you would have done it, but you weren't there. You were like, you got us. But it wasn't... I wasn't at that particular crime, but I've committed crimes. One of the things I got done for was like,

you know when you do pendulums in physics, they would do that where you get like a bit of string And you measure the weight and the length of the string And how far it swings and click date I've fucking just got one of them right And I look up at the ceiling And I put it up the ceiling and it just disappears The polystyrene The low hanging suspended ceiling

I get me fucking me a Terry's attention I'm like you've seen this man And he has it going boom Next thing you know it's fucking Ganser in the class And everyone's popping up at the ceiling and I get my fucking mate Terry's attention I'm like you haven't seen this mate boom and he has a gun boom like that next thing you know it's fucking Gans we're in the class and everyone's popping

in the ceiling the physics teacher comes back in and went what's everyone doing where's Ali I'm playing in the house we're like

different look up different look up and he fucking spots the ceiling and there's just fucking 30 plus girls in the ceiling and there's just fucking 30 plus girls in the ceiling fucking more than

one per kid it was one of them where like ah the fingers pointed back at me where they're just like that come on there

in primary school it was we must have been like six or seven at this point like kids kids like just

like barely human beings one we always used to piss together like alright boys have to go to the toilet and they didn't we just let you go in there because it's going to be a clusterfuck

and it's boys we just piss against the wall they've got that there there was always one kid who had to pull their treasures all the way down and that was the kid that got bullied aye

aye and fair enough fuck man we had but the thing we used to do, and the thing that used to fuck the teachers off, and the reason we had to be escorted into the bathrooms, was because one day one kid came at the bathroom, right,

and just like with a bit of tissue paper, got it wet, and just fucking yeeted at it. Oh, yeah. Sticks. And we were like, oh my God, this is,

how's this not taught in school how have i learned this from a fucking pupil that's so funny that like every school catches on to that i yeah everybody discovers that of their own bad man i enjoyed it so much right and we were doing at school and obviously teacher comes in we all get fucking bollocks because that's like it's raining because it's dripping down I go home home in my house in my downstairs bathroom you start doing the news my mum goes man

it's me and Josie it's me and Josie my mum comes in and she's like she's not going to blame Josie I know this now but I don't know what are you trying to

point Josie with to say nothing to her but it's like man don't fart in the elevator with one person like the reason you can do that in school right is you're gonna

get yelled at but you're gonna get yelled at as a group that's why you go I remember while being rightfully yelled at by my mum you go downstairs

your dad's getting bollocked I know it's you Mark it's just fun I just it's a satisfying noise like come on.

Aye, that was, the thing, also getting the, taking the ink out your pen and chewing on paper and just, you know, do that, make a little blow go

and just, man, we used to do the horrific one, right? If you got a bit of paper, right, and you folded it like four or five times

just so it was long and thin, right? And then you folded this three times over and you put that in an elastic band man that could if you hit somebody

with the eye not necessarily take their eye out but ruin the eye they're gonna have a black eye they're gonna you can also do it

with a if you just undo most of a paper clip except for one curl aye fucking deadly fuck aye

and you paint your hand fully with PVA glue and peel it off. Yes! Man, isn't it fucking class? This is to attack pre-internet here. This is like viral grapevine shit. Man, I don't think it's grapevine.

I just think that's when you're at your most monkey discovery stage. Do you ever keep rubbing your hands together until your skin starts rolling off and it's always a bit manky as well because you're a kid and you've been fucking playing

football inside and you've just got loads of just rolled up bits of dry skin on your hand you're trying it now straight in

I thought it was longer than that my hands are fucking look at that peachy you can wash your hands

you can sing happy birthday twice I think it's all a myth that thing where you know that thing I think it's all a myth oh that thing where you know that thing

I was thinking of before you know when you blow and you get people on the back or whatever right I was queuing

for a nightclub once and I sneezed and I just I saw the lad in front of us in the queue just the phlegm I'll do

on his back where I sneezed on him right and I was like oh no he might start on us I don't want to get bored from the nightclub

before I'm in and I just thought I'd laugh about it when we made a trade I fucking saw him as we left and he still had greaser

I'll do his I'll do his back no he couldn't have had a full night with Graham had a full night with Graham

doing his back Graham Graham greener greaser hawkle oh no hawkle not kind of Graham had a full night out with Graham doing his back Graham? Graham? Greener? Greaser? Huckle? Oh no Huckle Not kind of Graham?

Uh no a loogie Loogie that's American isn't it? Hoika loogie Hoika loogie Er Oh that's the sad that you haven't had the word

Graham in your life like Graham'd up I like it it's a good word it's Graham Aye I don't know I don't know what

I'd do with the word Graham. Do you want some dinner? Aye, let's go and eat. Oh, my shit is available to fucking buy. You can buy, you can finally buy

cream merch and I know that's what you've all been waiting for. You've been desperate for it. You've been like, oh, when's the cream merch coming? It's's what you've all been waiting for you've been desperate for it you've been like oh when's the cream merch coming

it's out now link in the description is it I haven't posted it yet but I will right there you go it's there you can

I mean I've I've carefully selected what have I selected you've got like some t-shirts and woolly hats and you've got like a hoodie

where it's got like different colour arms to the body of the hoodie like you've went for some really like baseball jock kind of guy and you because

Kara's asked for one for her Christmas but you said you'd buy one oh shit I'll sort that out I'll get that so you're probably good if you get them

you're probably good for Christmas spread shirts seem to be pretty decent now that we've sorted things out with them. So if you want to buy any of the merch, please do. If you want to subscribe to this piece of shit, you can do. You can become a patron.

It means you get the episode that you're currently seeing on Monday, which obviously our patrons are, and we thank them all the time. You get thanked by us constantly. You get some signed shit from us. You get every Thursday you get an episode as well which you don't normally get. And it used to be only half an hour long and we just ramble so much that it's now just you get two podcasts.

Every time we fall short with day one that gan's over. The level out in about an hour. I actually think we do more towards the other end. At least when we've been Drinking we do Yep Aye so you'll get

You get your Monday episode For this one Which comes out Wednesday Publicly In the Thursday episode And You can get like Different tiers

You know what We still need to do a draw We need to do a draw For November and December For everybody That's a five pound patron Gets entered in the draw Anybody that's a ten pound patron

Gets entered in twice Last week was Lachlan Last month That we did one was Lachlan won a same copy of your book and my book. We can do that again because I've got a bunch of free copies. So like, we'll draw a number of you because we didn't do one in November because we're just, we weren't in the country to be sending shit to people. But we'll do two draws on the Thursday episode because it's patrons only, so you might as well watch it on there.

So we'll get you maybe some merch, some signed books, we'll fucking two draws on the Thursday episode because it's patrons only, so you might as well watch it on there. So we'll get you maybe some merch, some signed books, we'll fucking haul some goodies in. And any £10 patron gets added on the credits on all of the YouTube videos because that's where the money's going to produce these videos. Thank you, Brett,

for accepting the job of putting us on the screen. And also you get two entries into the draw and each of the tiers will have different perks for when we do live shows whether it's a free stream or free tickets and yeah thanks for watching and thanks for your support go fuck yourselves bye