Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.45 Jenny

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

While Muggins speculates starting a new life with Cream's gran, Cream plans a new death camp for journalists who panned Spider-Man. A bit of festive cheer fills the air as the boys get to spend some quality time with their families after a gruelling tour. 

Ding dong, muggins and cream have done another podcast. Ding dong, muggins and cream have done another podcast. Linda, Marty is a pincer. I knew you missed the intros. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro

Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss

Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? Alright. In an ideal holocaust. One where I was in charge. Alright, who are you killing now? Who's got to go?

Journalists. And, you know, there's so many of them are bad nowadays that I do reckon it's worth killing all of them. So you just wouldn't have any news? When was the last time you saw a journalist give the news? Like, actual, just, here's the facts, I'm not going to extrapolate on it and whatnot. When is it?

Probably reading, like, New Scientist. Aye. Or I quite like reading The Economist, but, like like both of them feel like quite a... This is the thing, I want to be that. I want to be... For people listening and not watching, Carlos, I won't go out

with his hand. No, I just said it's all very wanky. I try to read that stuff too, because I'm like, this feels like something a smart person would read. And then you read it and you're like, why do I need a fucking thesaurus for this? I've read Bill Bryson books. You can explain this to me in a way that makes sense. You're just wanking into your own mouth

while writing this article because you know you're smarter than me, which suggests to me that you're not very good at journalism because the job is to neutrally explain things that I don't understand at me so I can arrive at my own conclusions as opposed to you forcing them on me.

But then where do people who are actually way smarter than us get their news without getting patronised? Like, it's us that are... You can do it in a not patronising way.

It's us that are stepping out of our zone. You know? We're stepping out of their turf. Well, look, fair enough, but they're just, they're going to fall under.

I wasn't even going for, like, news journalists, right? We went to see Spider-Man, the new one. I am getting rave reviews off people. I haven't read any journalism, but people are saying it's class. Man, it's the best Marvel movie since Endgame. I was texting your ma about it. It's the best Marvel movie since Endgame, hands down.

And I read a bunch of reviews for it. And they're all like three or four stars. And you're going, right. So you're just trying to... to one what are you doing what why are you trying to write a neutral review about Spider-Man nobody watching Spider-Man or any of the Marvel movies is a neutral so you're writing and uh you're writing a fucking review for absolutely no one apart from yourself what you're doing is you're writing a review which is i'm better than this movie because i'm not sucked into the hype which is fine don't write a fucking review about it don't just specifically go out to have a negative review because you've seen so many

positive things out there and you know it's there and you're like that for the sake of clickbait for the sake of selling fucking uh adverts on my website i'm gonna have a contrarian opinion for movies that I don't even like in the first place I shouldn't be reviewing them I should not review food restaurants ever

I should never review food restaurants I shouldn't review music albums right that's not my thing yeah you shouldn't review a cricket match

no just stuff that isn't for you stuff that's not for you do not fucking review it that's a disingenuous fucking review it's just a disingenuous fucking review it's just you going

I hate this thing and people going we don't care I don't care if you hate a thing that I fucking love so what drew you to the review what made you read it

or you just know that you're aware that them reviews exist yeah it was just yeah I was just I think I was on like my fucking Google page and it was like

Spider-Man receives three stars from the Guardian you're like I don't care what the Guardian thinks about Marvel movies. Aye. Like, why have you even wasted fucking money? I want to know what they think of P.S. Morgan.

Aye. That's why I'll never subscribe to The Guardian, because you are wasting money paying a journalist who doesn't know anything about Marvel movies to review Marvel movies. You don't have a good business structure. It's, oh, I can't. Man, it's a phenomenal movie

I reckon it's a class film it's unbelievably good I'm so fucking stoked for this one I can't even overhype it I know you said it's the best since Endgame

but I think like it's the only one I've really looked forward to since Endgame because some of them I mean I've still looked forward to I still haven't watched

two of them The Eternals and Shang-Chi. Shang-Chi, Legend of the Ten Rings? So I'm sure they're class, but because I was brought into the Marvel pre-end game, this is all new to me. Now the Spider-Man for me is like, that's still part of that.

Aye, and it's still ongoing. Man, like, Laura sobbed and Cullen cried legitimately at the movie. Like it was... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but tell me about Cullen sobbing. No, I can't give away any spoilers. I wouldn't dare spoil this movie for anyone. I would just say Cullen...

Is it as bad as when Cullen cried at goal? No, man, if anyone didn't fucking tear up during the Marvel movies, you don't enjoy the Marvel movies and you don't deserve to watch... Oh, yeah, you cried at Endgame., man, if anyone didn't fucking tear up during the Marvel movies, you don't enjoy the Marvel movies and you don't deserve to watch. Oh yeah, you cried at Endgame. I didn't cry at Endgame. John Hastings cried at Endgame. No, no, no.

You and John Hastings were covering in snot. You were cuddling. No, no, no. John Hastings cried at Endgame. You hadn't even seen any of the previous movies. Was it Hastings that cried?

It was Hastings that cried at Endgame. I fucking loved it and I've probably cried at it since but no I don't cry in cinemas.

On the way back from I visited home last night when Ashton and my aunties and on the

way back we'll listen to your episode as well. What's it called? Paul McRaffer

and Sean What Upset You Now. What Upset You Now and Carl Donnelly was on one of the

episodes. Listen to that one it's a good one. And I felt attacked by all of? What Upset You Now. What Upset You Now. And Carl Donnelly was on one of the episodes. Listen to that one, it's a good one. And I felt attacked by all of his What Upset You Now. Aye.

Because he was like adults who like chilled kids stuff. And his examples were Marvel movies, which I love. And even though he didn't directly hit us,

right, he took a pop of blow because I play with Lego. Aye. And I've always fancied that. Well, to be fair, what I think Carl's Donnelly problem is, Carl Donnelly took a pop of blow because I play with Lego aye and I've always fancied that well to be fair

what I think Carl's Donnelly problem is Carl Donnelly doesn't like Chris Ramsey I think that's what's happened has he just had a passive aggressive ticket to Chris Ramsey

he's like I can't come on a podcast and go what's upsetting you now Chris Ramsey's upset me now so what I'll do is I'll just vaguely put this under the fucking radar.

That's why personally things happen there. Well, I was caught in the crossfire. As you were, Carl Donnelly is still with me. Because, man, I listened to that one too. And, man, it's... Carl Donnelly likes hipster fucking bands, man. Like, I'll let him have those. You let me have Marvel movies

aye when he when he when his baby was born just before his baby was born he went and bought a vintage like Victorian Victorian pram

aye right which like you know the technology's advanced I know it's cool right but you do know

that you're gonna be gonna bump your pavements with that aye aye it's also not he's like what he loves is like throwback stuff he likes vintage stuff he likes Big Ano, bump me pavements with that. Aye, aye. It's also not cool.

He's like, what he loves is like throwback stuff. He likes vintage stuff. Which is why, which is where his argument falls down with Marvel movies. The reason adults like Marvel movies is because they grew up reading comic books. The reason I love Marvel, the reason I loved fucking Spider-Man so fucking much is there's so many comic book references in it that i read when i was 13 14 15 and i'm like oh man if you want to go for a really old school vegan fucking coffee press from 1920 fucking have that yeah and another one that they threw in and got us with but i totally accepted it was the men collecting sticker books

that pointed and laughed in my face and she was like, you've never finished one. And I'm like, that's not the point. Because you know what? When I was thinking about it, when we were driving,

we dated in such a close group of friends, right, of like four or five people that do it. And there isn't a financial restriction on we're, like we don't have pocket money. We don't have parents giving an allowance of stickers, right? So you can just go out there and buy the book if you want to do none of them really have like you've chucked more money than the most right but i'll go in and like when i'm on tour

i'll have like a couple of packets of stickers i can play the scotland one because scotland hasn't had a panini sticker album since i was eight years old so i was like right i'm completing this one and um it's school you'll have hundreds of people at once doing it and even if you get like two packets a day each the swapsie game is rich so that makes sense you need to have a community of the traders market it's a trader's market you need to have a proper silk road of stickers going on. You kind of just stay between four blocks with cash. It's not the same game. It's a completely different game. And you are desperately trying to recapture your youth there.

Also, I disagree with him on the Lego thing, but I mean, I don't do Lego, but every Christmas I buy my dad just a massive bit of Lego because it's something he'd never buy himself. And I'm like, man... Ah, is that for your dad? I saw that.

The huge one he doesn't listen to this does he he does but no he knows man all all I've ever bought my dad for the past

five six Christmases and birthdays is you know he's got a successful son and I'm just like man you know what I'll buy you the big toy that you'll never buy yourself

and when you go to his house right my mum spent all this money on her lovely new kitchen it's amazing her kids are gone so she's done it up. It's stunning. And all along the top is all the Legos my dad's built.

Amazing. In the kitchen. Yes. Totally ruining it. For your mum, not for him. Well, to be fair, I don't know if my mum likes it or not, or whether my dad's just put it up there knowing she can't reach it. So whether it's just...

He's just put it up there she could reach it with a baseball bat if she wanted to if she really wanted it down she'd get it down she'd let them have his candy I will say this about

Carl Dornley so I've come off of Instagram one because I'm better than you and I'm better than everyone that listens to this just so you know

I'm off all social media which objectively means I'm a better human being than you. And I'm allowed to say this at least once a week. Not all of them. It's like being vegan. We've got at least five times listeners

and we've got followers on Instagram. So a lot of them are as cool as you. Oh, are they? Mm-hmm. Oh. Fair enough. All right. But those of you that are on Instagram,

I'm fucking better than you and you fucking twerp losers. And everybody that's just wants to be worse than Daniel, follow us on Instagram, I'm fucking better than you and you fucking twerp losers and everybody that's just wants to be worse than Daniel follow us on Instagram if you're like I can be worse than Daniel that's not that bad it's only by his judgement

and I don't respect that, I only marginally enjoy his comedy I've come off Instagram and I've done it at the worst time because you're really loving Carl Donnelly's, his boozy advent calendar. Like I am genuinely at one point going to have to go upstairs

like a toddler to kind of be like, can I borrow your phone? Go on your Instagram so I can watch Carl Donnelly's advent calendar. You're like the smoker that quit smoking, but all you've done is quit buying the tabs I've not done that yet I'm just letting you know at one point

I am have to I'm going to have to go up because I man first of all I love even though I disagree with everything he said on a

what's upset you now no the worst thing is I agreed with some of it I just got hit by it it's like I guess like I just got hit by it it's like I guess like I want Muggle Corner when it would

it would really swipe the legs of good people aye so it's a bit I love I love his advent calendars

and I just fucking I could listen to Stonley talk for a fucking long time he has a cocktail every morning because his wife has set him up with a...

I think last year it was coffee beans. Yeah. I watched all of those because he's massively into his coffee. So every morning he'd go to a different type of coffee and he'd drink it and he'd fucking review it. And look, I couldn't give a shit about coffee, but like, Carl Donnelly reviewing anything,

I'll just watch it. He's just a silly man. Aye, aye. He's also, I'll tell i tell you i'll say this about fucking donnelly he has become so fucking handsome in his old age and not his old age and he's aged fast i like i remember when donnelly had long scraggly fucking hair wore glasses and a bit of a fucking pot belly and i feel like i could probably like say there was like five solid carl donnelly evolutionary phases i and i think you're referring to the

napoleon dynamite one yes yes i definitely am not his not his leather jacket and eyeliner one now on no but this this new this new one this new stage of is elderly hippie but but but classy elderly hippie he's got he's got a

non-Movember moustache yeah but like so pristinely kept and it's the right type of silver fox he's got one of those it's like a lovely

quiff back fucking he's he's greying and balding and owning it yeah is he balding it's like a lovely quiff back fucking he's he's he's graying and balding and owning it yeah is he balding

it's thin oh right you can see a bit of head through his hair okay but it's like long and he's able to get it up

and so it's a bit where he put his head down and it was like you know how main's going like that but like all the way to the front

um and he's also he's fucking owning it he looks he looks like a fucking class old man he's also He's fucking old enough He looks like a fucking Class old man He's only 39 Is he No

I think he's a couple of years Older than me Fair enough No I read But he looks like a class Pensioner for a 40 year old Well because I know he's got He's just had his

Well not just his I think his first born Is almost a year old now Yeah like no Older Yeah A year and a half A year and a. Yeah, like, no, older. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah and a half.

Yeah and a half, aye. Yeah, and because of the whole fucking lockdown and me moving away from London, I haven't met her yet. No, I almost managed to meet them in Australia, but it was St. Gino that day, so just couldn't, unfortunately. She, much like, so my grandad was, well, still is a fucking self-advox,

but when he was younger, all of my mum's and auntie's friends absolutely fancied the pants off of my grandad. Like, it was like their... Is that the one with the, like, the tash that he keeps off his lip and off his nose? It's like a RAF tash. Dick Van Dyke, yeah. A pencil tash.

Aye, the one that looks... The one that I shaved in once after Movember. Aye. And it looked awful on it. Yes, aye. And there's this ginger copper strip awful on it. Yes, aye. And there's this ginger copper strip across my lip. Yeah, yeah.

And he's doing it right. Yeah, yeah. That's what, I think that's going to, when Donnelly's daughter gets to like 14, 15, if he keeps going the way he's going, and I just don't see how he doesn't at this point, I reckon, unless he just fucking loses it, I reckon he's going to I just don't see how he doesn't at this point I reckon unless he just fucking loses it I reckon he's going to be like talk of the teenage girls he's going to

be like the older man crush they're like oh can we have a sleepover at yours whatever it's called Twyla? Twyla oh yeah so have you ever done any dressed anything ironically and then bumped into somebody that's dressed like that earnestly

no but I've done things sincerely like bad I tried to get a top knot like literally do you remember that whole fucking thing yes

my gran that was the like you know how grands love you unconditionally and like you're the apple of their eye and everything my gran

looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me less when I had a top knot. Loved you less? That's hilarious. Is that your gran Jenny? No, no, she would never say anything of that. Because the recent thing with your gran Jenny,

I had a book bought by her, another book about you from the podcast, from the first European tour that I sell over Christmas as Stockton Fellas. She'd bought one and I just wrote like a little note and I said, I hope you enjoy the scientific studies

of this subject. That's close to your heart, blah, blah, blah, right, and sent it, right? And I still haven't replied to her, actually. She messages on Facebook thanking us for the kindness

of just sending it out the blue. And I'm like, oh, someone bought her that and didn't tell her they were going to buy her it. And then I've sent it because they bought her it and now she thinks her they were going to buy her it and then i've sent it because they bought her it now she thinks that i've just thought of her and i don't want to burst a bubble

on that but i also don't want to step on someone's christmas gift it'll be kim fucker who cares it'll be my auntie kim doesn't matter well i'm just gonna go in and just act oblivious and just go oh i hope you enjoy it and all that and just act oblivious to this whole situation that she thinks I've bought it and I don't want to burst a bubble but yeah

aye but you bought my gran a Christmas present that's dead sweet of you actually real sweet right I'm going to have to buy the rest of your fucking family a present

new otherwise that's going to be the attack of Christmas our cat he bought us a gift and everyone's going to be like yeah well that's my gift aye fucking hell

you're waiting a couple months till my grandad after the sting of his death had gone past now you're trying to fucking seduce my grandad I'm fucking moving in sending a handwritten note

to be my grandad passed in February March that's been a that's nine months that's a respectable amount of time for a you know a widow of that

age. If I was single and that sparked something between me and your gran and I moved up to Thurzo and just got a really nice end of our life, would you begrudge her that? I wouldn't begrudge her that. I wouldn't begrudge

her that. There's another part of that relationship. If I just had a Fairy tale affair With Gran My favourite thing In the world Would be my dad At Christmas

Be like I'm not calling him dad Like nobody's asking You to Martin But I'm holding a hand Aye As long as Look

It doesn't have to be Look If there's anything more To that relationship You know Be respectful in the sense That just don't tell us about it But as long as she's happy

Yeah you know If I legit loved her Like if I just like I just saw her through The fact she was old And I just loved her Out of her soul Aye

And she's very easy To love to her soul And you didn't know You maybe had questions Whether there was anything Sexual to it Aye But we didn't We didn maybe had questions whether there was anything sexual to it but we didn't we didn't publicise

any of that we've just done everything together we shared a bed I mean it'd be weird because I know she's got one of those beds with the

sorry I should clarify I was doing a mime there which was the bed Going up and down Like she doesn't have like a bed Filled with vibrators You know, it goes Turbo setting activated It's not, it's like a

It's an old Pinscher doesn't even need me If I like don't Eskimo kisses with her like rub noses she likes those I bet she does

she does she lives in Thinso wait how do you know that she lives in Thinso she couldn't be close out of the fucking North Pole unless she was Icelandic so if I were like

and I called her me Jenny but like in a Forrest Gump voice well I mean it would suggest to me that you've not watched Forrest Gump recently and you don't know what a cunt Jenny is

oh yeah she's not she's not great I don't think I'd be you wouldn't be against it I wouldn't be for it don't say it in that way like

there's a middle ground where this is the best thing I could do the best thing I could do was be happy for her and then like when if it weren't

she just passed I would be like I've got some fucking questions for you like I don't want to do this in front of her while she was alive because I don't want to

disrespect how happy she was but what the Natalie come in here what the fuck was that? We've both got some serious questions here at this point. Would you be my best man?

She just wants to remarry so she can spend the... If you're getting remarried, then I'm more suspicious. Then I'm like, this is something to do with the well-liked. I'm trying to get in on you. I'm trying to get in on you I'm trying to get in on you

aye I'm like that's now it's fucking sus now it's sus but if I went Danny look I promise you there's a prenuptial agreement

I didn't get any of the money it's nothing but love I don't want to ask another I don't want to ask another best don't want to ask another best man I've already like and I'm remarrying aye well she probably

it's not like it's not like I wheel out the B team for my second wedding you know I mean like I couldn't I couldn't degrade somebody by asking

by asking I think at that I think at that point I would genuinely there would be two people I'd have to ask one would be my dad He's one of the

page boys, he's my son He's my son, he's coming in the flowers He's got them stuck in his beard like one of those awful fucking hipsters and the other person because He'd be dressed like me too Because you've got to remember I wasn't on your side

during your wedding I was on Natalie's side I was there so out of respect for her I would have to be like look

um this is weird but she does seem happy also by the way how did he bring this up with you did he just fuck off did he just take the car

and drag north and you were just tracking him on find my friends and you're like oh he's probably just going to visit Sloss there

oh he's gone past Edinburgh he's in Fife now oh maybe he's going to see Sloss's mum and dad that would be weird oh no he's gone past Aberdeen

maybe he's off visiting Gareth's family that's a fucking he's still going where the fuck where's the friend He's gone past Aberdeen. Maybe he's off visiting Gareth's family. That's a fucking... He's still going, mother fucker. Will they stop flirting? So, aye. Anyway,

the reason we're getting married is because she doesn't want to have a child out of wedlock. No, then it's... Aye. Then me and my brothers,

me and my brothers and my dad were hunting you down. Aye, that takes away The ambiguity Of our sex life Aye

Aye So anyway Me and Jenny Got a thing going on Having a wee flirt I sent her a present I did And that's going to come up

Over Christmas tonight Oh Just Just letting you know Just letting you know That's what's happening Oh I had a Interesting Interesting Wonderful family gathering That Just letting you know. Just letting you know that's what's happening. I had an interesting, wonderful family gathering.

It was interesting because it's the first time it's ever happened where every descendant of me grander Pete and the partners. That we know of. My Harim wasn't there. Jenny wasn't there. You know what I mean? We're all in one room At the same time It's never happened before Because it could have happened

At my wedding Hold on Remind me Harry's your dad No Grandad Pete Sorry Pete's your dad's dad

Right so That's your dad That's you Your sister And your brother So hold on My dad and his sister So me and my dad

Oh yeah So that's the two of them from me grandpapa I always find it fucking sick that your dad Has a sister called Linda Aye And my sister had a baby father called Gavin It was her brother's name It's hereditary

To go seek out a partner with your sibling's name Aye, very odd But I'll let it slide, Kev. I've insulted you enough on this podcast over the years. So Linda has got a daughter, fella, two kids and a dog. The fella's not a descendant of your grandad, though. No, but... Aye, but it's part of the...

My daughter. My daughter. My daughter. She's the only one that wasn't there. I still have to keep her under wraps. I've attacked with that on the podcast where I had an ill-tamed pregnancy where I went to meet a girl and she was as pregnant as the last time I shagged her. You're like, God, I hope this girl's a slut.

I was like, I was like, I'm just doing the maths here. Could that be me? And she was like, it's my husband's. And I was like, I was like,

but could it be me? And she was like, don't argue with a pregnant woman. But Canada says that all the time. It's my millionaire husband, not the chav in front of us now with 30 grand of debt. That's what Cara says all the time too. I don't know.

So let's pretend that didn't happen Okay Let's move I've never asked any more questions No I've You know Every time a pregnant woman says Don't argue with a pregnant woman

That's when I stop Aye That's Aye And they do use that A lot Oh Miss Carter's fucking

It's base Aye Aye She uses it on her On her She does a monopoly deal And she's cheating She uses it on her

Her parents all the time I say her parents Her mum I love Cara's parents In her dad's class But her mum is so excited For a new baby That she's

In Cara's eyes I don't feel it Her mum can be a bit Overbearing with it And her whole thing is just Don't argue with a fucking pregnant woman. Aye. You take that.

That is base. Aye. You kind of be like, nah, nah, vetoed. So, Gav.

So that's me, Annie Lindeside, right, down to the two young'uns. Gav, being me dad's eldest, with his fiance,

his daughter. Yes. Me, with Natalie, me wee dog. Aye. Gav being my dad's eldest With his Fiancé His daughter Yes Me With Natalie Me with Doug Aye And Justine

Justine with Logan And that's the first time We've all been in one room Aye And did like Did the ghost of your grandad Come back Was there like a

One of the lights Started flickering Somebody said it Oh there's grandad Trying to get through I think There's some bad DIY From Uncle Tom One of the lights started flickering. Somebody said it. Oh, there's Grandad trying to get through. I think, there's a bad DIY from Uncle Tom. Okay.

We still live on the estate, mind. They're quite posh, actually. You've met me at England, haven't you? I probably have, yes. But I've met them in in amongst the punch drunk chaos like you know if you went on like whose house is this

like through the keyhole of Lloyd Grossman who lives in a house like this you would never guess one of my family members just saying I feel the same way about your current house I can't go Who lives here

You're like me And I'm like Right well Natalie does And you're also here Like that's So I We brought his tripod And we got like

A cheesy family photo Right It was like I love I mean you've met my family On both sides Very very close Across the fucking board

Those big ass family photos Definitely Get them printed out I mean, you've met my family on both sides, very, very close across the fucking board. Those big-ass family photos, definitely get them printed out onto, like, a big fucking canvas sort of thing. It was funny because we put, like, three chairs for the three laddies. They were, like, similar age, like, you know, that age between, like, seven and ten, right?

And they just wanted to play on the computer and they got called through for a photo and we put, like, three chairs for them, like, they were on thrones, and they all sat there looking bored as fuck. Right, absolutely. They're like, oh, why have I got to do this? And Cousin Kelly's like, stop slouching, Dexter. Look nice for the photo. And he's just like, oh, I'd rather die.

And I was watching there and I was like, you have got no idea how much this photo's going to mean to you. It's pointless even trying to explain to you now, but you are going to fucking cherish this photo at one point. 100%. One of my favourite things, and I completely agree with you, I think it's one of the signs of getting older when you really, really enjoy looking at younger photos of yourself

and everyone fucking does it. And it's like this moment where you go, God, I'm old. Because'm old because you said they go god look how young we looked like we were kids then i remember there was at least two fringes and i'm so glad that i fucking did this where i just bought heaps and heaps and heaps of disposable cameras and left them around the fucking house and i've got two filled albums in that house of just those two fringes. Class. And occasionally I'll bring those out and we will look through

and fucking boy, do we all look like children. We're starting to look young in photos now. Aye. Aye, I felt like we were mortal for a little while there. Aye. No, no, no, we were mortal.

We were completely mortal. I'm mortal. That's where it comes from. And then the photos that are popping up on TimeHop now because Facebook is starting to starting to come into

its adolescence you know you're starting to get TimeHops from like 12 years ago now it's not just like there was a point back then where TimeHops

were just from 5 years ago it didn't get any further back if you want to get further back then that can in the biscuit tune under your mother's bed. Aye, aye. Oh, I think Cara's go back, but I think her time hop

goes from her camera as well. Also, she just keeps fucking everything. Cara, you know how I'm, like, there's no point in me taking photos because I don't share photos and then I don't save them to anything and they're gone. Cara is the opposite with everything.

She has, and it kills me, because this happened yesterday when her parents were dead. She's still got the messages of us flirting with each other right at the start. Did I tell you what I'd done with our messages from me and Natalie? I was with you. We were in fucking Estonia when you were doing this. I screen captured them and put them into a Moon Pig card.

So the whole moon pig card was just my first banter. I don't think there is... First of all, I don't think you should ever hit anyone unless it's within a professional sport in which you've both consented. I think sometimes...

Well, I've disappointed you on many occasions. I was about to add another stipulation, which is I also think that some people do deserve to be hit. They absolutely deserve to be hit. And if you're somebody that's handing out that justice, even though I don't agree with the... With the kangaroo court street judgment.

But I also don't think it's morally reprehensible in that... Me personally, just me, I would like to go my entire life without ever hitting someone. Least of all, a woman hitting someone least of all a woman least of all a pregnant woman least of all a pregnant woman

that I love she started reading out the messages we were sending to each other during our initial courtship in front of her parents and I'm like

I'm like do you want I will fucking slap you off of this fucking chair what are you doing what are you this is

because what's excruciating was so first of all the reason I'm angry is because I'm a different person now

and that was when like man this was at the start of our relationship when it was all secret we were just flirting with each other

you're an undercover whip as well. I know you are. I'm less undercover now. But no, no, no, man, if it was just fucking whippiness, I don't, I'll own my fucking whip. I'm a soft cunt, man. I cry at fucking movies.

Man, I watched The Blind Side on the train the other day just to make myself cry because like that. You needed a release. Yes, man. When little Ali told, when little Ali sent the first photo of his new baby, I cried for like five minutes.

I'm just at that stage. I'm Milo now. And I'm fine being Milo. Milo was right. I'm fully on board. Team emotion. This is all fucking grand. Natalie was telling me I should have a cry after the tour.

And I was just like, nah, I'm going to bottle it up, let it go black inside and kill myself. Bleed the radio, man. It's not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay to not be okay. I'm a man, I need to step up. No, you've got to.

Aye, you do. Aye. You do, but not me. Everyone else can do it, but not... I get it, pussies. Do what you've got to do if you're going to be fucking gay

I've got no problem with it but I'll not do it myself do you want a shoulder to cry on there's a hard shoulder on the MCS alright do it in silence

I've got no problem with fucking weaponess but what I fucking hate was how fucking cool I used to think I was and how much of a fucking player I clearly thought I was. Just, you know the standard rule that you have,

which is I always text a girl as if somebody's reading over your shoulder. I didn't do any of that. Like, mine was, her friends are looking at it because she's shown them, and your friends have looked over your shoulder and spotted what you're saying. You can't go fucking wrong

if you're if you're looking good in the eyes of a non-looker when you're in the dating game you can't have gone wrong look it clearly worked it clearly worked because she's

because none of her friends saw it and told her told her take her blinkers off nobody put her right Aye What were you saying? I can't

Man I really Like I Always text a girl Like she's gonna marry you Then read it out to her parents In five years Aye I cannot

I cannot stress that enough Like that is the most Sound bit of advice I can Man it was It's just me Because it was Even worse

It was I mean talking about Fucking weaponers It was the night Because man Bit of advice. Man, it was, it's just me because it was, even worse, it was, I mean, talking about fucking weaponess, it was the night, because man, I fancied Kara, well, we both fancied each other,

but I don't know why I was so obsessed with her. She was one of the first people, even though we hadn't even fucking shagged at this point, that I told about the fucking Netflix deal, the night of Bulgaria.

You just trusted her? Fine. Or did you just want to give her something and build trust around? I don't know. You may be a fucking dick about this, but let's find out.

A little test. No, but I think it was like I was excited and there was people I wanted to tell. Obviously you. I told my family. There was only a certain amount of people I could tell, right? So it obviously goes family, you, Jean, the alleys.

I eventually told the goats, but I wanted them to do it in fucking person. And then for some reason at the moment in time me heart said and I did but instead it was clearly like an emotional thing but I couldn't be as like hey I really like her I trust you with this

so I was blatantly trying to fucking cover it with man it was just excruciating I cannot was it like oh this is embargoed by millions of contracts and you're not allowed to tell anybody yes I section 32b of employment law tribunal number 74 no just well because that was the that was the night that I just came from bursting into tears while we were out drinking in a really nice Bulgaria and also like you're like Bulgaria

is one of those places where you're like I'm going to do some there's going to be some controversial stuff in this show and then you do pro game material or you do sex education stuff and they're like ooh and you're like oh man that was not the controversial stuff oh shit that was the progressive stuff the controversial stuff that just enjoyed it without any sense of irony

just being like here we go that's a great idea tell us more why journalists belong in the holocaust they're like he's just been like here we go that's a great idea tell us more why journalists belong in the holocaust they're like this is great is this guy from Russia originally

this is class how do we elect this guy aye oh yeah real bad I had to take kind of a side and I was like

take out of what side I was like come here it's just you and our parents in the room Dave don't worry about it I'm just aye it's about your Christmas whatever come here time out we're calling it time here it's just you and our parents in the room Dave don't worry about it

I'm just it's about your Christmas whatever come here time out we're calling it time out it's like basketball I think you can do that

in basketball can you? feels like you can it feels like you can just stop a basketball game at any point can you? what a sport

what a sport oh we're getting beat stop stop we're getting beat guys everybody in no you already get three intervals wait no quarters yeah yeah got you got you Stop! We're getting beat guys Everybody in Now you already get Three intervals

Wait no Oh yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Got you got you Took it aside And I was like Man I don't mind you Having that

I don't mind Like obviously If it keeps you Fucking happy And you're like Reading it Please It matters how my old

Stand up specials Not enough time Has passed yet, and I can't, I can't laugh at myself enough, yet, beyond this, who can you just not,

but they still exist though, you didn't go to delete them, she wouldn't delete them, Cara doesn't delete fucking anything, so she wins so many arguments, and also, I think that's why she's got such a good memory, Cara could lie to my

fucking face about things because my memory is so bad I'll just go okay like did you fill up the car yesterday

your car with petrol issues I told you to do it I'm like well that might be true probably alright fair enough I've lost this argument

I say that when Natalie went to pick us up from Edinburgh airport instead of Glasgow and then I rang again I'm here already and she's like how are you here

I'm already past I'm just past Falkirk and she was like how are you here I'm already past I'm just past Falkirk and she was like you said Edinburgh and I was like sounds like me I do not remember saying that

I don't have any reason to say that nope there's no grounds but I'm not confident I've been loyal somehow

somehow I've been loyal I'm trusting you to not use my shite memory against me and use it to win arguments, but I'll never know. I'll never know whether that's... Ever since that poop means shit and not farts thing, I've just doubted everything that I've ever known to be true. Even when I'm right a lot of the time, I'll just go...

Mandibles. Mandibles, ayeibles your little handables like just ever there's just enough moments now for us to just be 100% certain about a thing and go probably wrong what is reality

is that because I'm at a similar thing but mine is because I fucking hate being wrong so much. I hate being wrong. I think it's one of the worst emotional feelings in the world. Like, especially when it dawns on you

and you know how hard a stance you've taken in the past and then just a new bit of evidence comes in. And everything in your bones is telling you to still fight it? I... Still fight it? I fucking...

You've got this. It's not about being right. It's about winning. Yes, aye. I think the reason I'm, as I get older, I'm more willing to, like, be less stern and strict in opinions isn't because I'm more mature, isn't because I'm actually open to things.

I'm just like, man, even if there is a 2% chance you're wrong that's like there being a 2% chance of cancer don't fucking risk it, it's a horrible feeling it's a horrible horrible, I say that as somebody that smoked for 10 years to see if I gave a shit about cancer Gav, it's true Gav found something, my sister

sort of showed him something on his time hop that was a real like conviction about something to do with parenting, that was like a complete contradiction to how he sees it now that he's got a kid and he saw that and he absolutely hated it

and very much like me with Peggy in my previous opinion on dog lovers he just sees himself hating his past self and that became a topic of conversation on dog lovers and he just sees he just sees himself like hating his past self and that become like a topic of conversation

I was like man when I see the convictions of previous me I cringe at it because it's not the me now it feels like somebody else is talking with my face right

but I fucking I still love that dude I've got without his convictions I would never have had the career path that I've had because me would have to,

me now, wouldn't be able to just fucking go, I'm funny, I could be a comedian. I'd be like, oh, I'm probably going to get

laughed at and the wrong reasons for this. I know you're not very good at this, aye. Yeah, there'd be a bit more self-doubt creeps in,

a bit more like fear of your own mortality. It's like that. Yeah, the arrogance of youth did carry me through at least the first five years of my career. And if a byproduct yeah the arrogance of youth did carry me through at least the first five years of my career and if a byproduct was the arrogance of youth then such a necessary

such a necessary headstrong but i think but i but i think the thing that makes me cringe most most about it is is like especially during my and don't be wrong i'm still i'm still an arrogant person and it's it's something i'm trying to work on within myself like that lad pulled Natalie you couldn't have left that to me I would be fucking clueless aye but but do you not

do you not lose respect for Natalie for falling for that cunt she wasn't mugging Natalie she didn't look back at all there I I remember being told so many fucking times

just people around me going the arrogance of you, the arrogance of you fuck you I'll always feel this way and now that I'm 31 I'm like I don't fucking feel that way anymore and I don't want to be that you know I don't want to be that with the new generation of comics that are coming through

now that we're older comics and not just in the sense we're old age wise I don't want to be that With the new generation Of comics That are coming through You know Now that we're Older comics And not just in the sense We're old age wise But We've been doing I've been doing this

For 14 years I am One of the I'm a seasoned Fucking pro at this Like I am I don't want to have that You know the next time

I see the next Very close Very close to half of your life Being a stand up Like your next birthday Yeah Oh fucking hell. Oh, no.

I can't believe how much of a bombshell that was. Well, it's also because I remember when I was 18 and I'd already been doing it for like two years, well fucking 90, whatever. I've been doing it for like two or three years. I remember the time, you know, because everyone regrets and every, the number one regret of most comedians is I wish I started younger. And that's not a regret I have. And I was like, man, by the time I'm 30, I always just say, by the time I'm 32, I'll have been doing it half of of my life And that was always something So far in the distance That was like One day when I'm going to be a dad

Which is also fucking with me It's still It's still muscle memory for you You could do that bit on stage Aye And it's just happened Does it count if I If I

Well Because I won't have been doing it Half of my life Because I'm Stopping next year Aye So you are You're going to have some time off

Aye I no longer love stand-up, so I'm going to stop until I do again. Oh, I'm going to honour the ones, like if you're in France and Norway, and all these rescheduled dates, those will well be happening.

I'm going to honour all the ones. And he's actually probably going to love them all, because he knows that this is his little swan song. Well, I don't know, swan song. My logic is, if,

if, you know, because a lot of these ones are going to have to be rescheduled For like June July But just because of everything That's fucking going on At the moment I'm like man

If at those gigs In June July next year I go and I do this show And I'm like Oh I fucking love stand up again Then hey We're back

And then I've got no problem This isn't like an indefinite thing But From this moment on You're not booking in any more gigs No Under any There's nothing

Not a preview Not a festival not a festival not a fucking five at the stance not a five at the fucking monkey barrel nothing I'm not doing any

fucking new shit I'm not writing new jokes you're going to get to the end of your diary without putting anything new in and then aye

and just fucking stop for a bit just cause I mean this tour was shite aye up until up until New Orleans it was class and when I say class there was shite aye up until up until

New Orleans it was class and when I say class there were still moments where they were like why are we in why are we in like St Albans and Guildford

just before going on the US tour a European one just before the European tour when we're going to get back from that and go straight to America you're looking at a can there's no room to breathe in between

but still I feel like we had a zest for it still in America. And at the end of the American tour, when we had that big group hug with me, you and Neil, that felt final. And the fact that we come home, we had less than two days in the house and then we're back. I'm going to say it again. I'm going to say it again, because the fucking more you say it, the more ridiculous it sounds Brighton Aberdeen Dublin Bournemouth Perth was like

we hadn't even had a chance to sleep any of our jet lag and we got thrown into that and that was just the beginning of like a four week spell aye that was fucked and at the end of it

after the Apollo gig there was not even though it was the Apollo even though like it wasn't your first time there because you've done like a charity show there before and stuff it was my first time at the Apollo where partners had come down to see we'd crossed the finish line your't your first time there because you've done a charity show there before and stuff it was my first time

at the Apollo where partners had come down to see we'd crossed the finish line your mum and dad were there it had all of the ingredients of having fanfare last day of the tour

Apollo surrounded by our loved ones it didn't it didn't feel like group hug we did it it felt like what the fuck

was that who did that who the fuck own up what the fuck was that about Who did that? Who the fuck? What the fuck was that about? And you just got straight into the taxi back to the hotel. I'm immediately home. I didn't want to. We're going to the after show's drinks. Enjoy the after show's drinks.

I'm getting home as soon as possible. Couldn't have gotten earlier. So I had a drink with a man on that. It was nice. It was nice. But it wasn't fanfare. It wasn't like... It was like getting to the end of a marathon right, celebrating the end of the marathon and then finding out that was just my old fault. They cancelled your training you had to walk home

it's in a straight line, you have to walk back you're like, I'm not aye so fucking hell everyone that came out to the Apollo gig fucking well done congratulations you also fucking everyone that came out to the Apollo gig fucking well done congratulations on a fucking gamble

because London is just ground fucking zero for this for this new very boring strain of Covid out of

3,000 tickets 500 didn't show aye which is fair enough because it's man and whether that's People come in contact

People just don't want To take the risk People have tested positive We've got the fucking Hebe jebes I was fucking freaking out Like fuck on Wednesday I've tested every day

Since before the Apollo game Same I've done We've got so many PCRs In the fucking house Becoming a season Man I'm like a Seasoned sex worker

At this point I don't even gag anymore I still do Aye I'm even worse Aye I'm getting the pack

and I'm like look oh this is good a Pavlovian response nah I'm all good

man it is and but I think half of it's because I've been drinking a canny bit

now I have I've drank my way through this last whale I've not I've reached

the month mark and then last night we had the first games night we've had in like two fucking months with Gareth and Laura and Cara was just like

please just have a whiskey like you've done it did you do one? I had a whiskey yeah it's nice and not I think I had about

two of them in there like I wasn't even fucking drunk but it's for the past four days I've been drinking alcohol free

ciders just because when Cody went sober he was like man it scratches an inch like it's it's not as good but it's

it's it's like if you've got the fucking chicken pox it's like scratching them through an oven mitt right it doesn't make it feel better

but it's a minor fucking relief so drinking alcohol free cider you don't down it and and, but it's a minor fucking relief. So drinking alcohol-free cider, you don't down it. And normally when I drink ciders, I'll down the last third all the time because that's the fucking dregs. You just slowly do it. So me and Cara just drinking alcohol-free cider together.

Because the whole deal was, if she ever called solidarity, because she's going through pregnancy and being sober because she's such a fucking party animal, if she called solidarity i would do the same thing and then because she's sound as fuck she never did she was like i'm not gonna i'm miserable why would i ever want you to feel that way so i did it mainly for myself just because i go through periods of mass consumption and i have to prove to myself personally that you know i'm not an alcoholic or a fucking drug addict but then it's really hard during the holiday season really hard with friends

that you've not seen for a while especially now you're home and you're not travelling and you've got nowhere to be you're just in your own house and I'm not drinking to get through the night

it's not like a it's no longer a coping mechanism it's no longer like I need this to have a fucking smile on my face or to you know

find this material interesting it's I'm doing this because I'm with loved ones and I... So you're phasing it back in now or is that just a one? One, then, obviously Christmas Day,

like, of course, I'm going to drink on Christmas Day and New Year's Eve, but I still, man, I've not hated being sober, but I'm not going to pretend that I don't miss it. Weed is way more'm not going to pretend that I don't miss it weed is way more difficult

like but what I don't miss which is interesting I don't miss the pens like I don't miss that like now in my head I'm like I want

if I'm going to be high and again I'm not going to do this for a while because I've now realised the type of high I want to get is that one

where you just take a fucking bong hit and then you watch a movie or you play computer games for a bit and I'm not going to be able to have that in my life for a while because I think as a parent you're able to if you can and you feel comfortable with it I think at like the end of a night you're able to have a glass of wine or a whiskey or a beer or a gin and tonic whatever your thing is and have one of those because that's a 45 minute commitment and you're not shit-faced.

You're not anything. You could still drive the car in an hour. You shouldn't and I won't, but you could. Whereas I know the type of high I want to get is that three, four hours of like, man, I'm really fucking baked and I just don't think you can be that in your first

couple of months as a as a new pair maybe i'm wrong and maybe other people have done it but for me personally just with my relationship with i'm just like that's i've i've got three spliffs in the house and i've managed to not touch them yet all right that's a level of fucking self-restraint i admire and i admire I'm getting to the point where I'm properly looking forward to them now aye so I because you know

after you left London I stayed for an extra day and this wouldn't have been like anything you would have been up for at the time but you know

I'm near and far Camden where Sarah Holgate works and Mary used to work in Kirsty that place is class it is class

it's so have you been before yeah we went I think it was a Kirsty's birthday thing I went there for their opening night

I'm pretty sure and then also for Kirsty's birthday yeah I think it's I had a night there it was just all the cocktails

class I went through I had like old fashioned I had like a martini I had gin and tonic and that and I just kept fucking trying I had a gin and tonic and that. And I just kept fucking trying, like I got mashed.

And they were bringing coffee tequilas. Oh, Cafe Patron? I think it was Cafe Tequila, is that the same thing? Cafe Patron, aye. Aye. So we're down in there and I got absolutely fucking smashed. I made a chat for my train journey on the way back the next day. But I had such a good night there

and then obviously yesterday went to one of my Auntie Linda's for the big gathering and I got mulled there because Natalie I drove there

Natalie drove back so she didn't drink so I've been mashed the last couple of nights something I wanted to bring up Kelly's dog was there two and a half year old

springer spaniel full of energy and fucking Peggy and Max just giving each other the run around all day keep energy and fucking Peggy and Max just giving each other the run around all day keep stopping

for truces you know like they're just chasing each other around and they were just I couldn't see the signal

but every now and again they would just stop and just have a minute like just looking at each other and getting their

breath back and then they would just know at the exact same time let's go cunt and they'd

go mad like Max Holloway in the last 30 seconds of a fight it was fight it was classic

normally Peggy's trying to have that with a passing dog or your cat

your eight year old rescue cat and you have to reign

this was the first time we've been able to get off

the leash with another dog and just find your

boundaries with each other and they're just like

best pals right so we're just laughing at this little

side show that's going on in the house everyone's having their conversations catching up for the first time in three years and these dogs

are just fucking like they'll just bool through and you'll go anyway that's happening and then Peggy just skidded through right

so we're sat in a circle all down to each other Peggy skidded through lay on her back legs wide open and Max started licking her roots like as if he was drinking it with a bowl lay on her back, legs wide open, and Max started licking her roots.

Like as if he was drinking out of a bowl. I was like way fucking, like, Peggy, you hussy. And Natalie had this in there, don't slut shame our dog. Well, I'm just going to say, Pee does shame the other one.

She's been alone with Natalie For a couple of months I don't want to say Where she learned it from She got it from somewhere It's a short mystery Aye Aye She keeps humping

Natalie's leg as well I saw that the other day Aye I didn't know female dogs Humped but They've got to get theirs too Aye It's like when you find out

That a lot of lesbians You strap on You're like Oh yeah I mean of course you do Yeah That makes so much more sense to me Aye

As opposed to just Fucking clam slamming for a bit Aye I've got no idea I only know what happens on porn What happens in the real world I'm not a freak I'm not a pervert

If you watch May Martins Feel Good You'll learn a lot I'll find out Aye What was I saying Every time Peggy humps Natalie's leg I kick off as if Like she's trying it on what's this every time Peggy humps

Natalie's leg I kick off as if like she's trying to run with me bird I'm like fucking are you doing that

to my lass back the fuck off mate do you want to go outside do you want to go outside I've got a 25

minute walk on my hands I've got to pick up shit take a poo bag you've got to pick up shit you need to take your poo bag you've got to pick up that poo so podcast wise

aye I'm going this is the last one before Christmas we'll do some in the new year should we do I'm coming over

to do the Gloomhaven on 30th should we do even if it's just a little one should we do something even if it's just a little one should we do something just a

aye something of a new year pod aye something then and then we'll do some of the new year and then because I am taking a sabbatical from

Conwy for a bit and because there's a baby that arrives there's a baby that arrives for all of February and

for an unknown amount of time afterwards I'll be away for a bit just living my fucking life without any of this in it. So we're going to keep this going. I'm going to set up a studio in my office at home and I'm going to put it to Mark Nelson. He's a class guest when he's on it.

I'm going to see if he'll co-host with us for as much as he can try and poach Gareth from their podcast yes we've got Gareth and Colin at our disposal

which might mean more trips through here but they might come through who knows I'm also going to keep checking the stand and the glee listings because I'm in Glasgow

so it might be that like in fact Larry Dean's just down the road Ashley Story lives in Glasgow like there's a handful of

I could just maybe have like rotating guests where some are going to become regulars just until you get your feet on the ground with a bang and then when you're ready then podcasts about fatherhood are going to be fucking class I'm looking forward to them ones Well it won't be a fatherhood podcast

if you want that you can go fucking listen to it Josh, I'm going to come in Rob Beck Well, it won't be a fatherhood podcast. If you want that, you can go fucking listen to Josh when he come in Rob Beckett's podcast, which already covers all of that. My lastest brother, Alexander, listens to that religiously and he doesn't have kids.

He doesn't seem to be driven by having kids, but he fucking loves that podcast. Well, I mean, Rob Beckett's very funny. Slammed by omission funny Slammed by omission Slammed by omission I love it

Aye so We'll see yous Have a good Christmas Just yeah You don't need us in your life For your Christmas man Have a good Christmas We'll be back on

On the 30th Yeah for one of those For an episode then And then Back in the new year Because we've still got some gigs there If you're worried about any of the dates That have been rescheduled

Aberdeen, Dublin, Budapest Paris Cambridge Cambridge I think And then I know there's going to be some of the Scandic dates Like Finland and stuff All these are still happening,

but obviously just with everything that's going on in the world and with the... I personally think there's going to be fucking changes in January or just after Christmas that's going to happen. All of those are going to be honoured. Please don't think my sabbatical is going to be me cancelling those. They're all going to go ahead. It just means that I'm

not doing the fringe next year and there most likely won't be a tour next year that's it and if you want Daniel's book if you haven't read that yet, get that mine is for sale on Etsy

there's a limited amount, I only bought so many for Christmas if your best friend isn't that good and didn't get you one, treat yourself. There's still a few left. Natalie's working on e-commerce in the house. And there's, well, I mean,

both of our stuff is available for purchase on, if you go to the Instagram page, there's a link to our merch. Now there's some Team Cream merch. I'll be producing some merch as well in the new year at some point, so just fucking stay tuned. We're not stopping ever. Somebody asked about the stickers, right, because you can get a sticker

for each of the merch types, but you can only get like one from each one and it just starts getting expensive if you fill your basket with each sticker. So what I'll do is I'll order a bunch of stickers online and I'll put them into bundles And people can buy stickers

For their laptops And for their fucking Whatever their instruments and that Sweet So we'll do that I Everything Everything's still happening

Just it's gonna be different Have a Have a good Christmas Look after yourselves We'll see you next time You fucking cunts Bye