Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.5 Men at Work

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Muggins new house move to Glasgow results in him ripping a radiator of a wall, they discuss having the builders in and trying their hands at DIY. Cream is scared of a causeway and Muggins gets Scammed. Plus loads more, why you reading this, go listen

Good evening, good morning, good afternoon, whatever it is. Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys On The Road, where we're very much not on the road. We're just in my office space in my back garden, talking through our arses about Kai's new house move, about why I hate pensioners, and of course Kai and his incredible scam of trying to get a £70 PlayStation 5,

which was in no way a scam, and nobody could have possibly known it was a scam. But tune in to find out more That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Well, I bet it's been quiet around this place It has been nice

Vibeless Vibeless? Aye, there's no vibe Oh, right, okay Just that constant feeling like Is something going to happen? Is someone going to turn up? Like, you know that time when we were in Amsterdam

and we were just all waiting for Barry? Did we take mushrooms or something? Or were we just high? When was this? The time when there was quite a few coming to Amsterdam. It was like you'd just been through a breakup. Oh, yes, it was after that one.

So it was you, me, Natalie. No, the one, Bad Signal was in the sky. Oh, no, that was the one after the breakup. Yeah, that was the one. Not that one then. Right, okay. God, it's good we've had that many Absterdams. That, aye.

Right. God it's good we've had that many Amsterdam's that I right but the one where every

all the gold gang turned up and it got it got fucking it was brutal yeah I don't remember it so

we're just we're stoned we're in this dingy apartment and we couldn't really get on out because we're waiting for Barry

aye and there was just that limbo of waiting for Barry to turn up but we're dead stoned aye let's just were waiting for Barry. Aye. And there was just that limbo of waiting for Barry to turn up. But we're dead stoned. Aye. I was just like,

it's Barry here. Where's Barry? I don't remember. I don't remember that. No. I think it was mostly Cullen. Cullen was like fixated on it. Aye.

Anyway. Well, I mean, it's not a party until Barry turns up. It's true. It's true. So that's what I'm getting at. It's like, is your whole week...

Right. So what you're saying is, well, Barry was to us in Amsterdam you are to this house this house

right okay aye but the reason we haven't had your vibe is because I've got my own place I'm officially a homo

you're a homo nah yep nah a big ol nah you're a big ol homo nah

yeah nah yeah you are you and Ali you're a pair old homo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you are. You and Ali, you're a pair of homos. Nice. Yeah. This is so childish.

I'm saying, but it's great. Fuck it. Who gives a shit? It's like, for me, when I won the M8, I put my cruise control on 69 all the time. I'm on my own. It's for no one else but me.

And this is also just proof for me and Ali that even when you're by yourself you still drive under the fucking speed limit. Oh, just me when I'm on the motorway by myself, 2 in the morning still under the speed limit. Gotta be careful.

May I get another 50mm stretch when you get into the city because I'm winding in that so I'm terrorising the corners at 69 me and your wife have sent so many photos back and forth between us of just being passengers in your car

of screenshots of it being pitch black at night of fine time to go over the speed limit and just you happily listening to whatever audio that you've decided screenshots of it being pitch black at night, I find time to go over the speed limit. And just you happily listening to whatever audio that you've decided to listen to as you selflessly drive 15 miles under the speed limit. Well, we're not in a rush to get home because I'm in a good bit of my book. Hope there's plenty of Twitter to catch up on

because we're going slow until we get there. I'm just busting for a piss. Cue on. It's fair enough, Luke. You've been in a lot of car crashes and if you're driving in a crash, you shouldn't be... I've been in one car crash.

You've been in plenty of car crashes and if you want to drive safely... Just constantly crashing your car. I've been in one nasty one. But that rain is me of the time when did I tell you about when the last fell over on the treadmill? No but always funny

I went to the sports centre right there's gym accidents that are funny and gym accidents that aren't funny gym accidents that are funny somebody falling over on a treadmill and the treadmill sending them off the end. Workplace accidents that aren't

good, like if you're lifting weights and they're too much and they come down and then you've just accidentally strangled yourself. As 45 kilograms just presses itself down on your throat. Spot it! I had a terrible one on the way to be made. You know what, I feel like I might be

repeating stories but I couldn't give a fuck right but I'm pushing the weights in the gym right this is back when I was like 22 or something right we made Craig was spotting us

and then a pretty girl whacked in and he whacked off and left us right to kind of chat with her I think he already knew her but he was going to put some groundwork down

and I was left on my own right so on each side of the barbell I had a 15, a 10 and a 5 right on each end and I'm going to put some groundwork down and I was left on my own, right? So on each side of the barbell, I had a 15, a 10 and a 5, right? On each end. And I'm going to date and I'm struggling, right? We haven't got the collars on because I'm being spotted and all that, right? And we're changing the weights all the time.

We didn't put the collars on them, right? And a guy's doing one side, the 5 drops off, right? So that gets lighter. So I push it up and the 5 drops off to that side and that gets lighter and I overcompensate.

The 10 comes off one side, literally one after the other. The 5, the 5, the 10 the other side and that gets late and I overcompensate the 10 comes off and say literally one after the other the 5, the 5, the 10 the 10, the 15, the 15 until I'm left with just the fucking bar and I just push the bar up like that

fucking victorious I did it what was that mate your best 70 was that 70 the bar's dead me mate fucking devastated because he's going

aye he's with me alright as you can see I help out those in need so it wasn't me at the receiving end of this accident in the gym

I was I heard over the tannoy A1 at the gym that means there's been a fucking emergency it could be a heart attack it could be fucking anything right broken leg

they just need urgent assistance I get to the gym and this poor lass was down between the treadmills she was like a bit heavy you know but like she's in the gym and this poor lass was down between the treadmills she was like

a bit heavy you know but like she's in the gym because she wants to lose weight and that she's fucking

like I don't even know how she got in I don't even know how she got between the treadmills she must have just like fucking

been like rubbed herself up in butter before she fell you couldn't fit a fucking credit card between her and either side

of the fucking treadmill so she just sandwiched herself between two of them so I'm assuming they're all lined up beside each other aye

right and just somehow managed to follow doing it between them right and she's not being like the treadmills are still going

they're not like nah the customers like fucking stop the treadmill and hit the alarm right so the alarm goes off

reception see the alarm they call the A1 and I got in and I and I ask her if she's alright and if she can feel any pain

and is she okay and she's like she's crying right but she's like I'm okay I'm just really embarrassed like I think I can get up but I'm just

I'm just really embarrassed but just feeling and I was like right well if anybody's looking at you it's not because they're laughing it's because they're concerned right

and they'll stop looking as soon as they realise you are right so if you can get up and show that you're okay then people are probably just going to get back to their thing and I'm just like I're alright so if you can get up and show that you're okay then people are probably just going to get back to their thing

and I'm tired I'm tired and she gets up and she's okay and we get her on a seat and everything and then fucking Hurstie runs in

he's a big lad he's settled Hurstie he just whacks in he's fucking sweating buckets because he's heading around 100 metres I'm already done with it right

and then what's happened and I went she's alright she had a bit of a fall on the treadmill right and Hurstie

trying to make her feel better went I fall off the treadmill all the time after the incident when we're back in the staff room I was like all the time do you

not a day gas well you know like whoop there goes me I'm doing the side of the fucking treadmill again. Running with a fucking hard hat on.

Fucking impassive. So, what got onto that? Who cares? So, I've moved, I've moved, who cares?

I always like to think we're like, we start going off somewhere and we're going off on tangents but we always find our way back why it was that attitude Daniel I'm very much of the

look this is this is the content I provide right you've chosen to listen to it right if you want somebody that always gets back to the point you go listen to Ross Noble's podcast have him tie that up

watch Billy Connolly aye go watch one of the masses right if you want to listen to people get halfway through stories and then forget why they were telling them this is the podcast for you

yes that's been my main step that I've learned from Sober Jan is one that really sort of helped me the one that you didn't spend

much of sober yeah that one aye well I did I did most of it without booze except for the Graham Norton where obviously I was drinking there and then me and Cara drank last night because I was like fuck it without booze except for the Graham Norton

where obviously I was drinking there and then me and Cara had a drink last night because I was like fuck it it's the end of January I don't care

like sober January is only for us it's not for anyone else in the world we do it for us and if we want to have a drink tonight it's the end of the month

we're allowed to it's fucking lockdown you celebrate when you can see the ribbon not when you're past it aye aye yeah and I don't care if somebody overtakes me

oh you came the day before you're like I was doing it for me I'm not doing it for you random stranger admonishing me for having a fucking bevy and you give up on the weed

because you felt like there was no point in that your leg being high aye and also yeah there's just a point in the like my problem

that I had with weed last year was the fact that it was just all day every day and I was like this just isn't healthy and I can feel myself not being motivated

and stuff whereas now I'm like if you wake up whenever as long as you fucking make breakfast tidy the house answer your emails go on and stream a bit or just do something like until 4.20 any time after that purposefully 4.20

100% yeah that's what I'm talking about me hitting 69 on the freeway I was hit which on that note by the way

if I was a footballer on the 69th minute I would just shoot wherever I was on the pitch just say a name and flash it up with 69 on the screen

Worldie well no no no for it to cut no see that's the thing you've got to shoot in the 68th minute because then it's a 69th minute goal

if you actually score when it's 16.902 it's going to come up in 70 and I know this because of FIFA because it comes up one if you do it in

yeah in the same way that like we're in the 20 even though it's the first minute yeah even though it's 2020 we're still in the

21st century because everything after it is in the 21st century by 2101 we'll be out of the 21st century and into the 21st century because everything after it is in the 21st century. By 2101, we'll be out of the 21st century and into the 22nd century because 2101

is the start of the... Yes. I'm not having that one. I agree with the game one. But the year zero is still in the first century. Zero to 100?

No, no, no. The year 10 would be in the first century 0 to 100 no no no the year 10 would be in the first century the second century trust me the way I we are in the 21st century now that's what we are in

I have been for a year no no no oh no this is going to be one of them you've fucked it already it's 20 20 2-0

2-0 it's 2021 now ah but if it was 2120 that would be the 22nd century we are in the

21st century I was doing decades on it you were doing decades I was doing decades right but the

year 2000 was the start of the 21st century but I thought you were trying to get us at like 2001 is

the 21st. The 21st century, yes. 21st century. So it's the 19th century. The year 2000 is the 19th century still

until that year is over. The 19th century, yes. No, I think we're right. No, no, the 20th century,

sorry. 1901 to 1999 was the 20th century. As soon as it hit 2000. It's the

21st century, yes. Okay, good, good. Because I thought you were saying that doesn't count until that year's over. Until that 2000th year's over. No. It's not the end of the century. No, no, the whole. Right, whereas with the minutes.

That's why millennium was a big thing. The first minute. 2000 millennium was a big thing because that was the end of that century. Hey, it's 2000. Yeah, we're on the same page I'm not disputing that I'm not disputing that but

to score in the 100th minute right you're scoring in the 101st minute technically because you're 5 seconds in

to the 101st minute so if you want to if you score a goal and you want it to be the 69th minute you have to score it but at 68 something

yeah because yeah aha yes of course glad we got there and you want it to be the 69th minute, you have to score it at 68-something. Yeah, because... Aha. Yes, of course. Glad we got there. But that is confusing. Very confusing. For instance, if you score in the 99th minute, you've actually scored in the 100th minute.

Yep. Aye. But the 100th minute isn't over yet. No, it's not over. So it's still within the first 100 minutes. Yes, but it's... But you've scored's the hundredth but you've scored

on the hundredth minute yeah which just even though it's within a hundred minutes it just doesn't have the same feels like one of those

things that Americans would get confused by and just for the sake of this thought process we've went an extra time I am aware it's a 90 minute game right

so fuck so 69th minute I'm going to trace this back I am aware it's a 90 minute game alright so fuck so 69th minute I'm going to trace this back go on 420 you get high and then after that

like are you high now no no because it's not before yeah that's what I was going to ask I was going to ask how much you lie to yourself no

you're not like secret eaters no no at weekends it goes no there's some there's some days as well where I just go, right, today's the day where I want to be high. Something's gone wrong

all over my head. It's just a bit fucking iffy. I'll just go with it. But what I've really learned this year, I don't know if it came from Sober January, but I do remember spending most of last year

just going, oh, you know, you could be doing more of that. Do you know that fucking voice in your head? You could be doing this, you could be doing that, you could be doing all this and, you know, voice in your head you could be doing this you could be doing that you could be doing all this

and you know building it up so by January I'm going to do all these things and I didn't I did some of them but not all of them but I've learned to just be like

you know what just be fucking happy with whatever don't be harsh on yourself there's no right or wrong way to live we're still in the middle of this fucking

pandemic so there's only certain things that I can do the number one because I think for so much of my life I've been so career orientated and driven with a fucking goal there, I was like okay

well now that that goal's gone I'm going to have another goal to aim towards but I could never find something that I wanted to do that inspired me as much as stand up does where it's now I've just learned to be like oh there's no goal oh okay that's fine then I just have to look at it like this, you've completed San Andreas you can just free roam around the map where it's now I've just learned to be like, oh, there's no goal. Oh, okay, that's fine. Then I just have to...

Look at it like this. You've completed San Andreas. You can just free roam around the map. Aye, yes, aye. I can go around and I'm not going to kill members of the public, right? Of course, I'll, you know, I'll not be the fucking... I will be looking for a jetpack. Yeah, of course, aye.

Not to jump off of anything. Well, in fact, to jump off something so that I don't die. But instead of just going I could be doing all this stuff and I'm not which I then just use as a fucking flag

and twit myself with just going what did you do today cleaned the house made three meals ate them all meditated read a bit of a book

then what else did you do doesn't matter what else I did those are a bunch of good things I did right so if I was high for the fucking rest of it so be it

that's been my goal for the year right which is because I mean I'm repeating myself but I'm drilling home the goals right is read a chapter

of my book meditate do 50 press ups every day such a fucking realistic goal you can do that within half an hour

getting out of bed really so I've managed to stick to that and then I'm adding in as of today to floss my teeth every day instead of just occasionally fl today to floss my teeth every day

instead of just occasionally flossing my teeth. Do that every day and 10 pull-ups. And I think what I'm going to do is just add good things to this routine as the months go by and just try and make them just standards for life. So they're not just like, oh, this is me, New Year's resolution,

and then it rumbles. I'm just going to try and have better standards for what I need to achieve in a day. day see what i've done is just lowered my standards across the board just going what just as long as i don't slap cara across the mouth great day look after your hygiene don't let that slip all right brushing teeth like the the flossing teeth i do a lot do I floss my teeth every fucking day now but only because

I've been to the dentist so many times and just every you again aye oh prick my dentist is great

this girl went to high school with one of her very very good friends and so but every time it's more annoying because I know her

like if it was a dentist so she could be brutal with it well because if it was a dentist... So she could be brutal with it? Well, because if it was a dentist I was paying, right? If I was going to a dentist who I was paying and they were like, your teeth are fucked. I'm like, oh, boo, more work for you, shut up. The same way that I got annoyed whenever fucking teachers would be like, you come to school the next day. Tell you what, yesterday, right, last night, the cleaners had a word with us because you'd left. Such a mess in this place.

And you're like, oh, the cleaners complaining about how dirty a place was. left such a mess in this place and you're like oh the cleaners complained about how dirty a place was I guess you picked the wrong day to be the fucking cleaner then with a dentist I'm like you've got bad teeth and you go

uh huh so shut up and do your job I brought you shit teeth go away and fix that problem and lose the goddamn attitude go away and fix it in the other room yeah

take them with you rip them out go clean them and come and put them in I'm not sure I did it wait it's because it's a fucking mate because you know

she does most of it as a favour did she do you a favour you get maids rates on your dentistry aye I feel guilty then because I go in

and I go she goes you haven't flossed for six months I'm like oh no I haven't she goes alright well I guess I'll fix those again I'm like alright

now I'm being an arsehole like yeah I put myself in my own muggle corner by the way alright Natalie's my

I cut my hair well I buckled she like she off had a couple of times on the most recent one I'm feeling brave feeling adventurous

she took a couple of chunks out of it and I was like yeah you know what it's alright you ever seen Carlos bald just now he's what bald

he's always been bald no but he's bald like he's shaved it oh right he's trimmed it down accidentally but was there not still hair there at all

was that a complete bald head that I've just seen he was wearing a hat oh he was wearing a hat I was very unobservant aye well no that's why he was wearing the hat

so he didn't notice I don't think look we'll put it in Muggle Corner obviously because I mean we'll put it in Muggle Corner obviously because I mean it's definitely it's Muggle Corner

if you get somebody to cut your hair but it's it's with such limitations I just think I respect people's trades

that's why like you know I've just painted a room in me in my house the living room we'll get my teeth into that

because we had to get a couple of the rooms plastered so we'll kind of paint them until the plaster's dry but get my teeth into that because we had to get a couple of the rooms plastered so we kind of paint them until the plaster's dry but like I'm there

I'm like should we not get a painter and decorate we've just had to spend a lot of money on stamp duty and shit right

so we've got to cut corners right and I was I was there I said should we not get a painter

and she's like nah everybody just does their own painting and that and I'm like aye bud have a bit of respect for the

people in the trade aye they're like our paint hands like as a stand up if somebody's like oh shall we get a comedian

ah fuck anyone can just get Jimmy from the Counts today and he's fully in the office you'd be like are you fucking kidding me

aye you think this is easy I'm with you I'm a big fan of and this is an outdated term but you know

what I mean about it get a man in get a man in get a man in anything in my house breaks right can I say

I guess we can get a man in there's a man who's trained to not to not only fix the thing but also work out what the problem is

all I have to do is point at said broken thing and be like that doesn't work like it used to do more and it's his job to then

you know work out how it's done and go get his mates aye so it's that it's that and I guess Natalie I was like

neither of us know how to paint right just like oh it's easy everybody does it right and then

I start painting and realise that she's just in the other room like rearranging boxes and all that and I'm like oh no

she's just got me doing it solo which she dived in I was doing it now my dad's painted rooms before so

we'll have had a we'll have had a bit of guidance it hasn't just been like oh this is my first figure this is the only one I run that can help but then Natalie

started watching over us going oh the because you know when you're cutting in you do the we'll put the tape down right the masking tape

the masking tape and then you you paint the edges and then you get the roller and you do the middle right people are listening to this like every listener has probably painted 100 walls average here just 37 i've managed to just get a man in so far right whether that's a relative so i'm diving in that he's like um why don't you she's such a good backseat painter why don't you take it upwards when you're cutting in instead of side to side and then it's going to be going in the same

direction as the paint that you put on and I'm like because if you're going upwards you're painting quite a long line before it starts

fading the paint but if you're doing side to side you're getting quite a lot of your paint it's spreading she's like oh you should do it

that way but just do it near the edge and I'm like yeah but that's still there she was just tackling it

I was like yeah you dig it then and she'd done a boot on then and she'd done a boot on half the podcast she'd done a boot that much before she had the bag and I whacked away I whacked away

like proper smoking I'll like Anne Rafe she's kind of she thinks she's good at doing it she doesn't need to teach me how to do it she can just do it herself and then I come back in

and there's only a little bit done and she'd moved on I'm casting shade on her but she has been classed and there's only a little bit done she'd moved on. I'm casting shade on her but she has been classed with a paint and that. Aye. Also, you've moved into... Will this be the first time

you've lived together where it's just the paint of you? Well, lockdown forced that because we lived with Kat. Oh, yeah. In London. But when we're locked down she locked down her boyfriends.

Boyfriends? Huh? Boyfriends. Oh, her boyfriends. But she, when we're locked down, she locked down her boyfriends. Boyfriends? Huh? Boyfriends. Oh, her boyfriends. I have multiple. Oh, I just saw. She's locked down with like a bunch of dudes.

She had the best time ever. Sounds like it. Like she's been like trying to like sabotage the vaccine centre. This is the best life I've ever lived. This can't end.

Yeah. I'm glad it's a pandemic because I plan to get all of this dick inside of just can't end. Yeah, I'm glad it's a pandemic because I plan to get all of this dick inside of my body. So, so our cat's been getting laid and that,

and I, so we, we locked you in together for that most part. But I, this has been fucking class moving into a house.

Like, like, even when we lived in London, I had like living room, kitchen, and then bedroom and a bathroom. The other bedroom wasn't ours, even when we lived in London I had like living room, kitchen and then bedroom and a bathroom

the other bedroom wasn't ours, that was Kat's even when she moved out, it had her bed in so all we had was living room, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and now we're just using that as a living quarters we've got a living room, kitchen, bathroom and a bedroom while we're decorating

the rest of the house. So we're living with like a fraction of our house to the same standard as what we lived in London when it was our whole property and we're going to have another three bedrooms living room and another bathroom by the time all the decorating's done and a car

and it's cheaper than living in London. Fucking Scotland's amazing. It's always always I mean obviously you've preached to the fucking choir this is exactly why I'll never leave Scotland

but drinking out the tap I think we've covered this but Scottish tap water it's just better also like I know I had

Victoria Park and I did I did like have Victoria Park there but it was very much a park in the middle of a city whereas I just went a Victoria Park there, but it was very much a park in the middle of a city. Whereas I just walk a few yards from me,

Hootson, I'm in the countryside. Aye, there's loads of... That's the good thing about Scotland. Yeah, I'm still in the city. There's heaps of fuck all. Aye. There's so much... There's countryside in the city.

Aye. You can just fucking go for a don. You're like, oh, that's a badger. It's a body of a badger because it's been hit by a car. But it's nice to know that they all haven't moved out yet. They're still around the roadkill up

here is very very nice it's very Disney like I mean don't get me wrong they are all dead but it's

just a wider range of animals than we'd see in London oh my god a dead deer this is so exciting

all these dead animals just make me want to cry with happiness so another thing I've noticed because I've been up in Scotland for a couple of months now

and I have lived here before but one thing I've noticed in contrast since I've been a bit more out and about because even though it's lockdown I've been using essential services

like Homebase the staff are fucking nice are they? like the customer service on people that just work in shops and even just the groceries at Asda do you think that's

that's definitely like people are friendly aye and like people couldn't give a fuck about is there any service for the smile in London? of course there isn't

because you never it would take so long to work out who your locals are because you see like 50,000 people a fucking day yeah

and 49,000 of them are just in the area for that time picking up. Aye, there was a bloke, there was a bloke who lived at my flats, right,

and, it's this guy, he had this shit dog, like, Sotbits. Aye. You know, they have schnozzers.

Aye. He's thinking, I hate dogs, just shit ones. There, he's got the schnozzer, right, and he's always whacking his dog,

like, so every time I got out, he'd be fucking there with his dog, right, I said hello to him every day for the best part of fivez alright and he's always whacking his dog so every time I got in he'd be fucking there with his dog I said hello to him every day for the best part of five years

and he said fuck I'll back but I just persevered I'm like I'm not losing who I am I say hello

to the cunts when I walk past them and then on the last day I'm fucking taking stuff down the stairs lumping stuff

down the stairs he walks past his shag dog and he just goes oh you're moving in or out he's a shag dog and he just goes oh are you moving in or out he fucking started a fight

with me he said hello to me every day for five years he thought I was just freaking frequent visits deciding if I was

going to buy it and I've decided no after five years back up north are you moving in or out fucking arsehole that's interesting because I do,

I always think Scottish staff are friendlier, but I've always just put that down to I'm Scottish. So, like, locals are nice to locals because it's like, all right, you're not one of them. But it's good to know that, I mean, your accent's definitely foreign. One thing as well, I've slacked on my accent loads compared to when I was in London or when I'm touring.

Just because everyone's got such a thick accent in Glasgow. And I'm like, oh, I don't have thick accents yet. Thank God. And I can just see the bewilderment as people are like, I don't know what he's saying. They're trying to figure out where it's from. They always get it right. It's not like when you're in Australia

and they think you're Irish and that. They say, oh, you're from Newcastle. And then the dude called fucking Alan from Newcastle or something. She-Ra. She-Ra. It's funny how I just went straight Alan. Ask if I know him.

But either the friendliness goes off. I was in Lynn Park and it was icy and somebody pointed out that it was icy a bit further down. Like, oh, be careful.

It's quite icy on that footbridge. Right. And because I've been in London for five years, Ian simply checked me pockets for change. Did you? pointed out that it was icy a bit further down like oh be careful it's quite icy on that footbridge right and because I've been in London for five years Ian simply checked me pockets for change did you because there's someone

tired of us in the park did you have change thank god I would have given it to a fucking somebody being just absolutely

like somebody gets up it's icy down there and I'm like oh there get yourself a warm cup of tea I've actually I've been on the receiving end of that before you know someone give us change when i wasn't like obviously wasn't homeless but they just had it i was hung over as

i was sitting inside newcastle airport i had like time to kill before we flight i dropped off the hire car or something i was rough i sat there i think i had my baseball captain the grunder or something like that right someone chucked coins in I still to this day don't know if I've taken the piss off the foot I was begging what answer would

you be happier with I think I've taken the piss over this but I can't be certain I did look rough as fuck and I was sat there with a fucking

upturned hat that is on you it's like if you had a coffee cup with nothing in it what else do you expect to happen at that point

stick it in the bin otherwise people think you're homeless I still live now there's just a couple of lads where I buy one

and I'm reaching in and Chuck has changed and all that I was just saying give me some of Gregsy's

will that be and give me some of Stigby's will that be so anyway I've got addicted to doing that lately

I don't want to it's printing money so I lately I don't want to it's printing money so I was I don't know if I'm I don't know if I'd point out a slippy spot to someone I'm a bit of an arsehole in the sense that like

you follow them with a camera no no but like I'm very much of you know it's the circle of life so if I'm walking along right and I nearly slip on this bit of ground

and two people have just walked past me, they've not told me that bit's slippy. So they've not paid that kindness forward. Therefore, there's no kindness for me to therefore pay forward. And also, I want to make sure I'm not the only dumb cunt that fucking slipped on some ice there. I want to make sure that I turn around to go see the other person. So I go, oh, good, good.

Right, it's everyone. It's everyone. Everyone's a fucking idiot. It's not just me. I'd let it happen. I remember when I was little, I had a pogo stick. We just did it in the back of the house. And my dad was like, I bet you can't do 15.

And I was trying for ages to do like fucking 15. And then he got bored of watching, so he got somewhere else. And then, so I moved it to like a different part of the house and it was just much fucking slippery so I was on my polka stop

and I fucking cunted it like one jump up in the air it hit the ground the rubber bit just fucking slipped and I fucking spanked it on my ass right and my dad comes through

he sees me like what happened and I was like 16 I got 16 he was like alright I'll beat that and then went to polka stop on the what happened? And I was like, eh, 16, I got 16. He was like, all right, I'll beat that.

And then went to Pocos Day on the exact same stop, and I was like, let it happen. I watched my 37-year-old dad fucking cut himself off this Pocos Day, and he was raging. He was like, is that what I heard? Was that the bang I heard? Did you know this was slipping? I was like, no, no, no, no, I did 16, like I said. You pranked him. Not pranked him, just, I this was slipping? I was like, no, no, no, no. I did 16, like I said. You pranked him.

I didn't prank him. I just didn't change the situation. It's not my responsibility to change the situation. Emitting the truth is still lying, Daniel. Or is it? Is emitting the truth lying? No, I think it's... If lying's a spectrum, it's...

Very low. It's there with white lie. Aye. No, I don't think emitting truth is... if lying's a spectrum it's very low it's there with white lie aye no no no I don't think admitting truth is

is lying but just because it's not lying doesn't mean it's inherently good just because you know you can still

admit lies and be a admit truths and still be a shite person yeah it all depends on how you

wield like what if you like are the as you say the bathtub's full Like what if you're like, oh, the, as you say, the air pot, the bathtub's full, right? What if the truth that you admitted that it's full of acid? Well, I'd say that's bad. With observations.

So every situation's different, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, look, it's all a spectrum. It's a wide range of possibilities. Also, I don't know if I'd... You know, you're talking about you wouldn't tell the person, you would admit the truth to a passerby about the thing being icy. Again, I'm not admitting truth because I'm not in a conversation with a person. So there's nothing to omit because there was nothing happening.

I'm not offering up something. I'm not... That is true. Otherwise, like, you can't just give a pass up, aye, all of your truths. Yeah. Tell me your date of birth and all that. Yeah, just...

Sometimes I do a shower just when I'm lonely, just because sometimes when I'm on tour, I get bored, so just the warmth of the shower is enough. Anyway, enjoy your walk. I remember I was walking with Ronan Grace and you and Jean and everyone was slightly behind us and I'm chatting away at him right this was one of my finest moments I'm chatting away at him and I can tell he stopped listening because he spotted these two girls that are walking up in our direction right and his head is turning with them as they're as they're approaching right

and I am like, his eye line's going to follow these girls. He's not going to see the lamppost. He's walking right towards. And he's kind of whacking at that lamppost. So I just cut off in the middle of the talk and stepped back in between you and Gene and went, watch this, and pointed at Ronan.

Just Ronan whacking at the lamppost. Oh, oh, oh, great. I think it's the best. Nothing wrong with it. I think that's the best. Nothing wrong with it. I think that's fine. You're not admitting truth. You're leaving someone a lesson to learn. Aye.

Because if you told them that, the only lesson that they would have learned is that strangers can be kind. And that's not a lesson I want to teach people. That's a dangerous lesson when people then begin to rely on other people. We went for our Sunday walk yesterday with Gareth and Laura

down the fucking all the way down Crammond we do and doing the river I just do the river just so you know

fucking meet up with other people have you been across the causeway yet to the island you have to check the timings no I noticed there's like a little timing up like bus stop

and it tells you when you've got to go to the road Cara keeps suggesting I'm just like I'm just not like there it is it tells you when you're going to get on the road I kind of keep suggesting I'm just like I'm just not like there it is it's very much the Eiffel Tower to me

are you scared no are you scared of getting stuck or what no I've walked down there the walk is the same

each week we get to the bit there's the fucking ice cream van then we go back and then you've got the island where they defended

during the war they set up to defend have you read the little things next to it? No, again, once I've said it, I've not gone to the island. I can't be arsed. Oh, it's like... Because at that point, that's the halfway mark of the walk. If I were to walk further...

It's essentially like a museum, the island. I can't... It's not... If I walk beyond it... We're all busy watching stuff about World War II at the minute and it's quite historic. It's like a little... Oh, yeah, that fucking very famous important island. I remember that in fucking episode 9

of World War 2 in colour they were talking about that island in Edinburgh I'll work out one day I plan to do the work every Sunday I'm not walking an extra fucking bit

scared of the causeway can't be arsed can't be fucking arsed I'm halfway through the walk you're right if I were to then walk further it's no longer halfway through the walk

so I've had my ice cream one third into the walk as opposed to halfway through the walk you can actually it's just a small walk across the causeway it's not at all

it's another ten minutes it's another ten minutes and it's with people there never known anyone to be scared of a causeway no I did it I can't be arsed I've heard Mark Nelson's car

breaking down on the causeway at the Holy Island oh yeah and the water just starts licking his tyres oh that must be but that wasn't when he

fucked his car I think they managed to fucking jet ski him out of there aye that wasn't when always not thumbling innit he's got bad

his car set on fire on the way to my gig aye one day I'm just bursting into flames aye like Christmas Christmas

he's cash payment from the comedy stalkings the cunts got no luck he was really fucking bad now that was a completely separate

time the time they broke down on a course way and got washed out by the sea two separate incidents with

Mark Nelson fucking yes well you'll get to see a bit more nearly now that you're in Glasgow aye once I'll be able

to do what you and Gareth were just done then like whack up somewhere and cower out of it okay I mean you can try and spin it

as much as you want but you can try and spin utter laziness and utter disdains wrong we can whack up to the woods and then just go

no I'm not going to go into the woods it's not the little red eyeballs that are peering out of the little critters

it's not the teddy bears that are doing a picnic it's just that I just wanted to walk this far so this is technically halfway. It's the end of the walk. It's the end of the fucking walk. It's the meat and potatoes

of the walk. It's not. The meat and potatoes walking by the river feeding the ducks. We didn't walk down there for the island. We got down there

and they were like oh there's a causeway shall we go over there and I was like no. Because Hanson Holden stays in the airport. I do do that. And you know I do. Stay in the airport.

No, but I'm not going to fucking see the sites that everyone else says I should see just because some other fucking lame cunts had a profound experience out there. I'll make my decisions about what I want to see. That island looks boring as shit. Do I want to spend 10 minutes walking over there, pushing babies into the water because

I'm not getting my shoes wet in order to stand there to get a very similar view to the one I have here to then walk back and continue another

45 minute walk home can't be arsed you can wear willies if you're scared of getting your ankles wet oh no I do wear willies

it's not about the footwear it's not I cannot be you cannot it's about I'm a very cut it's not I cannot be you cannot it's about I'm a very plan orientated person

I bet your car really wants to go to that island she does and she's welcome to go over why I can't be arsed

it's literally like 100 metres there's nothing you're describing it like it's some sort of fucking play school where there's so many secrets

oh once you get over there the view's better it's not it's a bit of land 500 yards where there's so many secrets. Oh, once you get over there, the view's better. It's not. It's a bit of land 500 yards over there. It's no different to where I am right now. It's got like a plinth with a little bit about the history of it. It's got a timetable of when you can cross. It has intrigue.

It has major intrigue. And you get like, I only didn't go across because I would have had to swim. I'd miss the timings. And I was like, next time I go on there, I'll try and time it right. Man, you're more than welcome to. I recommend arriving down there

by half past 11. You can walk straight past. Time you avoid. No, no. That's what I did there. I'll watch. Anyone can walk over. I've got no fucking interest.

It's a tiny shit island with nothing on it. Sorry, I'm just describing Scotland at this point. It's a tiny shit island with nothing on it. So I'm just describing Scotland at this point. One thing... Oh, sorry, you were telling us about your walk and then I interjected about the...

Oh, yeah. The shite end bit of the walk that nobody else was supposed to do extra. Right. So, obviously, like... I understand fucking pensioners need to go outside to fucking walk

and to be and to get the fucking fresh air and stuff stay active in the formative years stay active is that the right word yeah

and we're still in the middle of a fucking pandemic a pandemic where pensioners are more at fucking risk and what not

so I do understand like you know if I'm in a supermarket and stuff if I see an old person there, oh, I'm a bit easier with pensions than I am with other people. Like, if you're standing in front of the spices

and I need the spices and you're under the age of 45, I'm leaning over you to get the spices. I'm not waiting two minutes for you to decide which fucking cumin you want, right? We can be close at this point. But if that's an elderly person... But if it's an elderly person...

Take your time. Take your time. I'm keeping two metres from you. Yeah, yeah. fucking cumin you want, right? We can be close at this point. But if that's an elderly person... But if it's an elderly person... Take your time. Take your time. I'm keeping two metres from you. Yeah, yeah. So I do try to, even though I have, as you well know,

a fucking real strong disdain of pensioners, and I think it's class when they die across the board. I think they're all bad people. You kind of soften when it comes to killing them. No, no, I don't,

but I don't want... You don't want to be seen to be killing them. Yes. I want don't, but I don't want... You don't want to be seen to be killing them. Yes. I want them dead, but I don't want me to be the reason they died. I think it's brilliant when they die, and it should be celebrated, but I'd never want to be the cause of it.

We're walking down the fucking thing yesterday and there's just these... And you know the walk. It's a busy fucking walk, right? Especially now that everyone's just enjoying the few hours they can get out of the day. There's this old couple, right? Especially now that everyone's just enjoying the few hours they can get out of the day. There's this old couple, right? Hand in hand, right? And they're just standing at the site, right?

And me and Colin are just fucking walking up. We've got our ice creams. We're enjoying ourselves just chatting. And I'm not kidding you. They're about 1.5 metres away from us, right? I don't have a tape measure, right? But I make sure that we all go around the fucking outside of the pensioners and they start and the fucking old man a scottish tory i knew the second he opened his fucking mouth

because i knew because he pointed when he was talking to you he went you there good two meters two meters two meters i was like mate this the like i can't change how wide this fucking thing is i didn't engage with him because well two reasons, I was high and I couldn't be arsed. And two, I was like, there's no interaction that you're about to have with this old man where you come across well. He's actually,

even though he wants you to be, even though he doesn't know what two metres is, he thinks it's five metres, right? He's lost his fucking sense. He wants us to be walking in a very dangerous part. He's in his own head.

He's doing it for his own fucking safety. But we're nowhere fucking near but just like all the way down it was like a fucking slalom fucking course of just pensioners standing outside going

excuse me could you move further over could you move further over how about none of you go on a walk right walk somewhere that's not as narrow

I'm sorry but I guarantee I'm not the first person you've said this to and looking behind me I'm not going to be the last person so how about instead of

nobody here going for this walk you don't come on this walk and go over to I don't know that causeway that's very boring that nobody wants to go to may I suggest three o'clock it's a great time to go over you'll enjoy it thoroughly so so they're still there to purposefully be cantankerous oh man yes there's somewhere to grain the fucking decades of angst against. Just, and again, I understand it comes from a place of fear. He said, I'm protecting my wife

against this invisible fucking disease. I'm like, mate, you're outside in the fucking woods. Right? If I was, if I was, well, I mean, it did cross my mind.

Just not, not to do it, but you know how bad things cross your mind that you're never going to do. You're walking across a bridge and your brain goes, throw your phone in the water. You to do it but you know how bad things cross your mind that you're never going to do you're walking across a bridge and your brain goes throw your phone in the water you never do it it's just one of those thoughts that comes in your head my one was just because it's just this fucking tone right and i i hate as an adult being spoken to like a child i think it's one of the most demeaning fucking things in the world and i fucking hate it and it makes me regress to being a fucking child you know so this is old i'm 30 and it makes me regress to being a fucking child

uh you know so this is old man 30 years old I fucking pay tax I pay a fucking mortgage right I'm a grown man right I do not get spoken to you're the young boy go away I was like you sneeze in his face just go and pull his fucking mats down hold his mouth open and sneeze in his fucking mouth didn't do it never would obviously that Obviously that's murder. But you had to press snooze on that thought. No, no. You had to go, oh, I've got to be a good person to deny that thought. A bad person would activate it. No, no. Opposite, opposite. I snoozed

him and then enjoyed that thought for the rest of the walk. I was like, I could stay here and engage with this man. You got off on the fantasy of it. Aye, aye. You know, it got off on the fantasy of it. Aye, aye. You know, I got off on the fantasy of doing something evil, but while also being the bigger man. I was just going, it didn't say anything negative to him at all.

Just went, all right, sorry, and then moved 20 metres over to the other fucking side. And I was like, that's a good thing, right? I've been the bigger man. I've not engaged with him. I've fucking adhered to his fucking thing. And also, if dreams do come true, I've wished him dead.

Like if meta-loving kindness works, then sort of meta-hating evil. That's a good question. I would love to ask. Meta-hating evil. Would you reckon that's what it is? So obviously meta-loving kindness is the meditation where you think

of someone that you like and you care about and you picture them being happy well this is where my loma came would think that it was going to just give the person you're thinking about a spring in their step right but this is where i would go no this is all for me yes my attitude towards them and who they are to me is going to be improved and my relationship with them is going to be improved by me having good thoughts having 10 minutes of guided meditation

and also makes yourself feel better having happy thoughts positive thoughts about someone you love makes you feel like a good person the other day

I was doing a meta one and they were like think of someone that you've got an uncomplicated relationship with and I was like Matty the pincer

let's just think about Matty and then I started wishing him well and the pincer I was just thinking about Matty and then I started wishing him well and it was making his legs shrink nice fingers with Matty and that and at the 10 minutes I had the worst headache my head was banging this is something that makes me feel better I feel dehydrated

and absolutely drained it was only when I started doing fucking meta loving kindness that I realised up until that moment I'd been living my life the opposite like instead of just

sitting down for long periods of time and just thinking about you or Natalie or Jean or Natalie or any of the people that I care about

wishing them well I'd just sit on a plane with a glass of whiskey going it's gonna be fucking brilliant when Nigel Farage is dead like it's gonna be fucking brilliant when Nigel Farage is dead like it's going to be so class when Nigel Farage is dead

like it's going to be a great day on the internet just sending hate into the world that's what I was doing but that also made me feel good I just find it's less progressive so whatever the opposite of meta is I've been accidentally doing it for most of my life but the meta stuff I've been accidentally doing it for most of my life but the meta stuff

I mean have you done the because obviously the later stage of the meta stuff is somebody that you do have a complicated relationship with and then I think

it just turns into picture Hitler and picture him happy oh yeah I think there was I didn't have to date about anyone that I hated

but it was like someone you find annoying fucking who was it again Matty again Matty I can't have to date anyone that I hated. Right. But it was like someone you find annoying. Fucking who was it again? Matty again. Aye, Matty. I can't remember who it was now, but I just like... Maybe Pascoe.

I was like, nah, I fucking stopped it. I was allowed to date that. I wish I couldn't, well... But I was dating him. I was dating him on the day. And it doing them. I was doing one the day, and it's the one that you hate, The Headless Way. Oh.

And I know you hate it. I kind of did the things new without thinking how much you hate it. Now, you would have fucking hated this one. It was the movement episode of The Headless Way. It was about how you don't move, things move through you right so could you stand up right and it's basically like the the the concept of it right is that you are a stillness

and everything happens within the stillness like your consciousness is still any sound that passes through it is entering an exit in the stillness that is your consciousness i get that concept of it so he's like point a finger at your face right and he's like i should stand up point your finger at your face like now move around and just say so is is are you moving or is the world outside moving past you you're moving all right yeah and i am moving yeah you told me and you just give us like this point in front of us that isn't moving all that is that's. That's moving with me. So it gives the illusion that everything else is moving by. So it's one of those mental fuck-ups where I'm trying to see what the guy's getting at

and what he's trying to put down, whereas you would have just went, no, this is wrong. No, it is factually wrong. So what he's saying is if you're sat on a train, right, and you're facing, you're facing the way you're going, right, everything rushes towards you and passes through the void that is you,

right, and anything, when you're facing the other direction. I don't like being referred to as a void. A void. Vacuum. You're an absolute vacuum. A joy,

a soul second. So when you're travelling the other way, everything is coming out of the endless void that is you, right, so he's trying to give it that, right, and I'm trying to give it that right and I'm trying to fucking

take it on board right and I've fucking got my finger pointing at my face and I'm turning around and I'm fucking looking at my fence and see like the other hoosers in my new street

they're like oh there's my new neighbours fucking looking through that cunt that's moved in I just like pointing at his own face he's just fucking spinning around in a circle

pointing at his own face the daft cunt I keep I nonce nonce that one. Point at the nonce. He's doing it. He's doing it. You've seen this, the nonce moved in, no message and such.

Oh, I just, I've not, I've been bad with the, well, not bad with meditation, but I've been off of it. I've been finding my meditation in other things. Like this morning, you know how I hate doing the floors? This morning with George, I did the floors this morning, you know how I hate doing the floors? This morning was yours as well. I did the floors this morning, but I was just like,

do it. Instead of doing what I normally do when I do floors, we just go, fuck, I wish this was over. I fucking hate doing the floors. I was like, why not just be,

practice the movement fucking meditation of be present in every part of it, right? Because then, double whammy, you're technically meditating and that way you don't have to go listen to that fucking nut job whisper lies in your ears for 20 minutes

because you're tied into a fucking subscription that you can't cancel for some fucking reason. Or you can get that same 20, 25 minutes a piece that you used to get from that fucking nut job, right? And have a clean floor at the end of it. So it's a bit, I mean, you still get distracted. The problem is you don't have Sam Harris

constantly going hey hey come back the item of mindfulness is the task at hand which is why

I find it so good man because it's a task it's like you're focusing on something I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I say on that matter. I just want to change the subject. Oh, no. Then I put something in my head. I was like, oh, I'll get back to that.

So there's a new segue here. I've loved chatting to builders. Aye. I haven't chewed their ear off. I don't even have that fucking day, right? Because I've had guys come in to skim the walls, right? And also to fix the radiator that I pulled off the wall. What did you I just you know

I looked at it and I was like no for me I wrenched it off the wall you know so why did you rip a radiator off the wall so it was on brackets

right not anymore it's not I was scraping the wallpaper off and I I lifted the radiator off to put it on the floor

so I could get behind it. Right. I didn't think you meant to do that. No, I was going to say, why was that ever part of your process? Because I think I've seen my dad do it. Right. Right?

I think I've seen radiators, but clearly what he's done... He's unscrewed it. Something like that. He's turned the main off of the wall. He's like, yeah, he's turned the main off of the wall. Like,

he's made sure that none of it's fucking connected up. He's put the taps in so all the water will eventually flood at the taps so there's no water in the system so that when he takes off the wall, there's not a... Ah,

he's like, clearly done something, bleeded it. Bleaded? Bleaded? Bled. Bled already? Is that not, Is this not like,

you've got mouse, in Mace, but when you've got a mouse for a computer, it's Moses. It's Moses for a computer. Mace is like the click, disagree. Moses.

Disagree. Hanged. Oh yeah, I know that one, but the same with, I'll never say jump, I'll only say jump, and I know jump's not a word

jump oh I do one of these as well oh jump is Scottish I jump in the water I jump in the sea I jump in the water I'll never date but I respect you

not for me though alright there's one that I heard used on television and she called herself on it it was on like Good Morning or something and she's a Geordie lass

and she said it and then realised it wasn't a word and corrected and i was like oh i've always wondered if that wasn't a word like to treat treated oh treat treat myself isn't a word see now this is where this is people come in and go that's not a word that's not a word that's not a word and you go right okay maybe not by the standards of that language but here's a question for you when I said the word did you know what I meant

right so did the word convey meaning which is the job of a word when I said the word did it convey the meaning I meant to get across yeah right

so you're just being a panicky cunt yes and I do think bled is with bleed the radiator because you're using it in the same exact language as when you bleed.

Aye. Right? Because it's the fluid leaving the thing. English words don't always follow the same... English is a hard word because all the rules for each word change. You can add ed on something to make it a verb, a past tense, but that's also not always the fucking case.

There's all the exceptions, the i before e except after c. There's a lot of that in the English language. So, you know, in Scotland we've got fucking j and they're like jump's not a word you go right but you know what i mean when i say jump yes right so what's the fucking problem i'll not write it down in an exam i'll not write it down in an exam and i accept that if it was in an english exam i'd fail in an exam but in everyday conversation we're not in it it's not an exam. But in everyday conversation, we're not in an... It's not an exam. If I say I jump in the sea, you go, what? You what in the sea? You

masturbated in the sea? You juggled into the sea? I jump. Work out. I think when you ask for a glass of water in America, and we've been through this before, but they're like, what? What? Huh? Water. You're like, oh, so it was close enough for you to get it. Water? You want some water? Just water? I'm not going to use... I didn't like jump, oh, so it was close enough. I didn't get it. Water? You want some water?

Just water? I'm not going to use, I didn't like jump. But I get it. You're not going to stop using it. It's like people in Ashford say sna instead of snow. It's because you know how they say it at different, nah. Aye. Sna.

Snow. No snow. Nah. So hold on. So obviously like the. I think most Geordies opt out of saying sna. But I shouldn't like Deepest Darkest

Northumberland sna so there used to be a comedy club at the fucking Xscape the indoor snowboard

and skiing place in Glasgow and they used to do a comedy night there and it was called Snow Joke but that pun would still work

in Cramlington of sna joke sna joke because na also no na na na because it's no you say na for no Snare joke. Snare joke. Because, snare also. No. Nare. Nare.

Nare. Nare, because it's no. You say nare for no, as in knowledge. You wouldn't say nare for no, you'd say nare. For no.

For no. So, nare is no as in, Nare snare. Yes. Nare snare. Right, that aside, bleeding the radio

at that Raid I get Natalie and her mum were both like can't you not take that off the wall I think it's on hinges it comes off the wall

oh what's that yeah so let me just replay this again so there's two women there going can't you not make it rip off the wall and you being from Blythe you're like well

that's two women's opinions so that counts as towards I think half of a man's opinion so you're almost there ladies unfortunately you're like, well, that's two women's opinions, so that counts as towards, I think, half of a man's opinion, so you're almost there, ladies. Unfortunately, you're still outvoted,

so I'll go ahead. So I do have some, I do need to correct my behaviour. I am very aware of that. I catch myself doing it all the time, and this was one of them moments where I didn't catch myself. It's really like, these dumb broads.

And I was like, oh, these dumb broads, man was like oh these dumb broads man like how do they think the wallpaper I got put behind the radiator because somebody's dad did it and they fucking bleeded the radiator

like so I just say and there you just put it down yeah man fucking what I just start pissing out the pipe oh what do I

and I'm like I need a spanner, I need a ratchet, right? She fucking Natalie runs through the room, she brings us the spanner

with a wheel in the middle. Oh, the fastest one, yes. The monkey wrench. Oh. Into the ratchet, eh? So I get that in and I start tightening it and I was like,

oh, it's not coming out the thing, it's cutting, like, I'd actually bent the paper and there was a hole in the paper and it was coming

out the paper, right? And what like, it had actually bent the pipe and there was a hole in the pipe and it was coming out the pipe. Right. And what sort of volume are we talking? Like, putting your finger over the end of the tap. Right. Like a spray. Yeah. Like a last pissing.

Right. Right. And it's spraying everywhere, right. And I couldn't think of what else to do apart from shout, we need a plumber. So I'm just there. The place is getting drenched.

It's my fucking first day in my fucking new house. And upstairs and out, so I'm thinking about the ceilings. Aye. Aye. Aye, we need a plumber. We need a plumber. Luckily for me, there was a plumber coming. Was there?

There was a plumber on was there there was a plumber on the way because the person who sat with the hoose wasn't working so he'd come to try and get it on

he thought it was something to do with the pressure and he'd booked someone to come and do it because he had his hand on the hoose

they've been at the previous owners there was a couple of little things that they've just picked up they're like what are the problems

we'll deal with it so he was dealing with that the previous owner had his guy come and run and there's a couple of little things that they've just picked up. They're like, oh, what are the problems? We'll deal with it. So he was dealing with that. The previous owner had his guy come around to sort my boiler out and get me heating on. So luckily, there wasn't any heating in the... That wasn't boiling hot. No, right. Oh, fucking jammy bastard that that wasn't fucking roasting hot water coming out.

I just used all the blankets that were brought, all the flow rugs the dust sheets for the painting just got a hell of them and just put them under mopped them up every fucking towel in the house

just fucking until the radiator and I had drained all of these garments and then it eventually stopped raining and I had to stop shouting when you needed a plumber

so the plumber came over and probably went you're not meant to rip that out of the wall for no fucking reason just that later and the man were like well surprise, that's what we said. Aye, I needed a man to tell us.

Thank God you came here. These two ladies, they were saying I shouldn't rip this out of the wall. You think they should? Okay, it's now one and a half to one. By the way, two ladies who are both way more proficient at life than me. A hundred percent, yeah. Way more proficient. at life than me 100%

way more proficient like there was there was there was a bust pipe just because of the ice at their

at their house at the parents at Natalie's parents house and it was just because it had froze just above the tap and when he turned the tap on and fucking released it

and it it started spraying from above the tap and nobody knew where the stopcock was I didn't I didn't live there Bobby didn't

because Bajal's the man of the house and Alex just didn't seem to give a fuck so it's just three blokes there going

wait this is just going to keep spraying until the lasses get in and it was like a realisation in that moment that like it's a

it's a matriarch much like your hoose much like your brain it's a matriarch much like your house much like your brain it's a matriarch and then those two were behind us and they're not better than me I know that it's in my knowledge

but they're deep rooted in grade ladies I'm sorry who invented plumbing it was the Romans and as far as I've heard there was no such thing as a Roman woman that's why they're called

Romance stay in your lane and I catch myself all the time if I'm like if I talk about a pilot I'll default them to male if I talk about

a games designer or a surgeon I'll default them to male if I see somebody fucking fanny on at a junction I'll default them to woman alright and I'll fucking fanny on at a junction I'll default them to woman alright

right and I'll fucking check myself all the time like this is like ingrained shit where normally people my age will just post a mental overlap and go

it is who I am I did try and check myself and that was just fucking one of them moments for me I do get those moments whenever like I really understand

like if there's a fucking traffic problem and you're like this damn bitch and you go oh no it could be a man and this damn bitch and you go oh no it could be a man and you drive past

the really guy and you're like oh no I wish I was a bloke god not only am I sexist I'm correct but

so these this is the plaster the heating engineer the plasterer and all that come around and

I feel like when I talk to them, even though I'm fucking useless at the stuff that they do, right, I feel like the Sears is one of them. You know? No, no, no. I feel like they're like, oh, he's a working class lad. He probably likes his sports and that. Like, I feel like I have way more in common

with the builders that come from Houston than I do with like my friends in the arts aye you know what I mean that should be me I get I just get

not nervous around fucking trainees but just whenever they come round because it's a big nice house because a lot like you know

I'm only famous if you watch fucking comedy but if you don't you've got no idea who I am so you've just got trainers coming in oh it's a

it's a nice place thanks man so you're your mum and dad no no no it's me oh what does your girlfriend do no it's me

that's right well that's something a coach playing with his phone every day as you pass through doing work yeah yeah yeah oh where's she

no she's upstairs working yeah yeah yeah who paid for it, no a prom shoot what's me, I know this I know it seems like I'm a toy boy I know she comes downstairs you're expecting an elderly woman with a dead husband's mission and they're like what, that's her

I'm like yeah she's the one I've gone for she's a cougar, look at her I do feel like I don't know if you got this as well Like, yeah, she's the one I've gone for. She's a cougar. Look at her. I do feel like, and I don't know if you got this as well because you've had quite a few builders in the last few months. I hate doing nothing in the house

while there's people in the house working. I hate sitting there with my book or sitting there playing on my phone. You know, if there's somebody... I understand. If he's going up between the radiator and the boiler and I'm sat in my rocking chair reading a book

I feel like I should be doing something disagree because I'm very much I'm like I get what you're meaning absolutely we were getting our plumbing fixed

last week the fucking heating finally and there was like three guys in the house doing it and they're all just going round like being like making sure the pipes

are connected to the right fucking bits and that's just the entire time and I was sat there reading my book and it crossed my mind just the entire time and I was sat there reading my book and it crossed my mind just being like I offer them teasing coffees you've got to do that

but at some point I go anything my voice goes get up and help them I guarantee you you're just going to annoy them take all of your pride and all your bad uses trust me the most useful you can be to this man is to be nowhere near what they're doing

otherwise they wouldn't be here don't be their heckler yeah oh so what's the I've caught myself so many times before just you know instinctively having

the conversations that you feel you sort of need to have when the plumber's fixing something like when he was diagnosing it I was just stood behind him

for 10 minutes going oh aye oh aye and I was like mate I don't know what you're saying or what you're talking about and it I was just stood behind him for 10 minutes going oh aye oh aye and I was like mate I don't know what you're saying or what you're talking about and like I'm just gonna leave

come update me on it and then tell the he was like mate that's much better for me you just want to grab them by the arm just please

don't rob us you know I'm stupid don't take advantage well I've also oh man fucking when we first got this place the original trainee

saw me coming from a mile off there was at least one oh yeah one trainee just fucking took it and gone but with these new plumbers that we've got

like they're you know when you get somebody who's just fucking immaculate at their job at their profession regardless of what it is doesn't matter whether that person

is like a even if it's just a fucking bus driver who's always on time the spinning the sign guy from Seoul aye aye but like no matter what their job is they give it a hundred fucking percent and who's always on time the spin and the same guy from Seoul aye aye but like

no matter what their job is they give it 100% and they're experts on it that's why I really enjoyed seeing

Pink in concert aye I'm not that into her music but I was like she is killing it she's a fucking professional

man it's the same I got to speak to a history podcast with a guy from Dundee University last week and he's gone to Mexico because he just wants to understand

basically how the coffee bean spreads all over the world, but why it changes from place to place. And this is just one tiny bit of South American fucking history. But he was so into it. Nothing that's ever interested him before. Is this a tradesman? No, no, no, sorry. I'm talking about...

No, no, no. I did a podcast last week. Yes, yes. But the guy on No, no, no, sorry. I'm talking about... No, no, no. I did a podcast last week. Yes, yes. But the guy on it, his history major is in the coffee bean in South America. And you go, all right, there's none of that addresses. And then you listen to him fucking talking about it and it's his fucking passion.

And you end up listening to this guy and go, this is actually fascinating. When you find somebody who loves their fucking job, it's the ones he... I think it's attractive. Yeah? It's a really attractive quality when someone is

fucking properly good at what they're doing this is my job this is what I'm I'm a accountant I'm a banker whether it's a fucking

you know dancer swimmer fucking postie speaking of which I've no idea where our postie is we're genuinely devastated

they've sent a our postie they've sent a replacement we're still getting a post but our regular postie who we get all the time who has banter with us right great postie

great postie like I give him a good tip every Christmas because I like him that much he's always he's either changed his route got a new job retired

don't know just what he took mate I don't know what he is aye how did he find out well he stopped coming so occasionally we'd see him like maybe three or four times a week

but the occasional day when it wasn't him right and it was some of his other miserable co-workers right but

just for Christmas I gave him his I gave him his Christmas cards did you tip him enough to retire well I didn't think so like it was it was a fucking

nice tip because it's fucking pandemic and again good at his job and he's great our security system here is a fucking nightmare

sometimes and how bad our gates can be and how long it takes them to open and what not he will always just he knows he knows

the way to sneak under how to get it in he has his lunch at your gate he's waiting for it aye aye he's good and he's

we don't know where he is I've not asked the other ones yet because you didn't want to like I don't want to fucking mug them've not asked the other ones yet because you didn't want to like I don't want to fucking mug them off

and be like excuse me where's our regular postie you're doing a great job I don't even know his name

aye but where's the guy I like what's he look like I'm not that good at faces but I'd recognise him if I saw him can you just

bring everyone you work with open up your Facebook I'm assuming you're friends with all posties on Facebook

so just go through your friends list and I'll tell you which friends with all posties on Facebook so just go through your friends list and I'll tell you which one he is write him a letter how how's he going to get it

how's he going I don't know where so look if you're my postie and you're out there listening to this please come back we miss you dearly

it's been a month that's sad it is sorry about that mate worried that because we're obviously worried that he's got Covid

and he's gonna die right or he's been let go which I was I was listening you're not a big fan

of this book but the Dark Tower on audiobook right first four audiobooks read by the same guy right the fifth one different guy

not wrong with the other guy right nothing wrong with this dude but Ali Frank Frank was killing it right you're also killing it but just in a different way that's unfamiliar

and you're putting different voices on for Eddie Dean that he was putting on so now it's a different it's like home and away where they replaced the actor aye

I'm not vibing off it right so I get the end of the book and then Stephen King does like an epilogue because that's not in the actual book but it's in the thing

which is a tribute to Frank who'd been in a motorcycle accident oh like he's stillogue because that's not in the actual book but it's in the thing which is a tribute to Frank who'd been in a fucking motorcycle accident and like he's still alive but he's like fucking brain damaged or something like that

and that was fucking gutting this book they're like 28 hour books or audio books the man had read you bedtime stories every day for us

every fucking day man I'd spend hundreds of hours especially when you're an old man you're still waiting in the car driving you're on old man you're in the car driving

you're on a train you do your thing because it's like a book I was going through a range of emotions with them I grieved with them

you know what I mean Jesus I always hate I used to hate when fucking not graphic novels comic books when they came out

week by week the ultimate Spider-Man ones you get fucking 102 issues into a series and they go oh we've week the ultimate Spider-Man ones you get fucking 102 issues into a series and they go oh we've changed

the artwork and you go you might as well change the superhero I'm not interested like I've become so fucking used to this thing

what if they have Saga just quarterised the books and stopped I think so because they were like oh we're going to take a break now

at the end of oh fuck was it with 2 year again yeah they're like oh we're going to take a break now and then I'm... Oh, fuck, was it Two Year again? Yeah. They were like, oh, we're going to take a break now and then I'm like, oh, they're fucking tapping me.

What's new? I'm like, this is a quite long break, this. No, I've not... I think Nine was the last graphic novel that was out and I did buy that fucking... Because when that one came out, I read through the ones I'd read again

and I would happily date again. As soon as the next one comes out, I'm reading it from the beginning up until that if anyone's not read Saga before it's by Fiona Staples and Brian K Vaughan

it's a very very very good graphic novel that's sort of set in a future where just the entire universe is at war but it's about

the characters in it are amazing and they're from the two factions that are at war with each other Aye, it's almost Romeo and Juliet but with so much more fucking and carnal, bestial

fucking shit like it's there's so many. It's brutal but it's also such a vibrant world there's so many great different types of. And the character arcs are fucking great like the will Aye, like if you've never gotten into graphic novels and you always go where do I start

saga book one is a good one because it's I think it's also really good at like shattering the illusions of what people

expect graphic novels to be like I expected when I started when I was like oh so they're just like little cartoons like it's family friendly

like it's all you know everyone's nice to each other it's like it's like a bino is it Disney yeah it's like bino

it's like the fucking dandy and then and then you go off and you start reading and you're like each other. It's like a Beano. Is it Disney? Yeah, it's like Beano. It's like the fucking Dandy. And then you go off and you start reading and you're like, oh my God, well, that was a... How come... Like, I love Locke and Kay. How is the series not a hit? Because I don't feel like they've done anything wrong. I think they did a bunch of things wrong.

You know what? It was a bit like... It wasn't as dark as I was expecting. It was a bit more like watching a fucking teen movie, like the OC or something. But when you think of the graphic novel, it kind of was. Aye.

Do you know what I genuinely think was missing? I love the graphic novels, obviously. I stopped watching the TV show after about fucking eight episodes. It just didn't win me over. Nah, same. I wasn't won over by it and I just can't put my finger on what it was. Was it what I just said, that it was on what it was. Wasn't what I just said

that it was a bit of a teen movie? Was it too PG? It might have been too... No, I think they did go a little bit PG but again, I don't begrudge them that because they were going to Netflix and obviously, you know, it's a story about fucking teenagers

so it's hard to sort of make that adult-y. They took out some of the go... You've got to remember one of the opening scenes in Lock and Fucking Keys, the guy's dad gets his fucking brains blown out and the son sees it, right? That's not in there. They toned that down

and that's the trauma of that character. Also, not to do to service to any of the actors in it who I all thought were great, but there was no standout fucking actor. When you've got a show like that, either the villain or the good guy has to be fucking you know

the guy that played Moriarty in Sherlock or it needs to be fucking yeah like this is a bad example because nothing like it but Joe Gilligan

and Brassick that would not be what it was without him yes but that's what you need you need an actor Joe Gilligan is a great example

you need an actor who's so good that's going to fucking leap out and whether they are a good guy or a bad guy to go with I actually think he actually carried Preacher

Joe Gilligan as Cassidy I didn't think Preacher was the snobbery it wasn't even I didn't even feel like it was the same story

as the graphic novel oh it was no no no it was just like it was a departure but Cassidy was class it was but it was Seth same story as the graphic novel. Oh, no, no, no. It was just like, it was a departure, but Cassidy was class. Seth Rogen, it was intentionally a departure just because, well, as we've just discussed,

it's so hard to do the graphic novels well. And across the board, you have to mix it up just because it's such a different format. The closest people have ever gotten is fucking The Watchmen and 300 and the only reason those movies are good is because the fucking director was told to copy them fucking frame by frame

whereas there's all this sort of creativity that comes in with trying to You know what they should have done with Lock and Key? That should not have been a series, it should have been a computer game That's a fucking premise on a computer game that's a fucking premise on a computer game

that the keys do the different things because you get so much of a puzzle aspect from it and so much of a visual aspect from it but you've got to go

like you can't you can't go from graphic novels to computer games it's got to go up you've got to get movie first and then it becomes

a computer game they weren't doing Harry Potter games before the Harry Potter movies unfortunately I never played the Harry Potter is there a new one coming out apparently there are

apparently there are on the PS5 oh yeah fingers crossed they're good oh I didn't get my PS5 by the way I don't know oh that's what

we were going to talk what time are we on we've done 70 minutes no you should just do it yes oh I knew there was something I wanted

to talk about I was sat there while you were talking about your shite house going I'm sure there's a

I'm sure there's a reason I was like there was something I was going to bring up during this fucking podcast

and sure enough there it is so do you want to tell your version of the stories so Alexander Natalie's brother

he designed and ran a program, right? He's good with computers. He's a web designer, right? And he ran a program that just searches for PS5s that have been released, right? And it'll come up. And sometimes you'll get a notification, it's one on eBay for like 1,500 pundits.

But he's constantly on the search for them. And he's just trying to get one. Koda had one already at over the price. He's just trying to get one like Koda had one already at over the price he's just trying to get one at retail yes right and then

one of the ones that come up is 100 quid 70 pound plus 30 postage and packaging right and so Alex gets a notification

like the minute that the minute that it goes up and he texts us the thing and guys this has went up for fucking 70 quid, it's on Amazon I don't know what the deal is

but I've tried to buy one and I just instantly tried to buy one as well bought it and then sent Matty the link and I didn't send it anywhere past that because I thought this number of things, I didn't want to be the reason

everybody gets scammed I sorry google and um i don't want to be the reason everyone gets scammed also if they have listed it at the wrong price right left a zero off right put on a 70 instead of 700 right i don't want them to be getting spammed to the point they have to retract everything but it's like three slip the the net, they go, oh fuck, we've just sold three at that price. And then it could relist it at the regular price. It was on Amazon. That reputable company.

Within fucking hours, it was gone. It was sold out. What either? Or unavailable. We're so excited. You told me and Colin, you're like,

we think we're going to get 70 pounds PlayStation 5 Alex has done this thing we found this thing and I'm going to be the second you go 70 quid PlayStation 5 me, Colin and everyone else in the world

including this podcast went right so it was a scam you think you get you think you get a 70 pound you think you get you think you're getting a 70 pound

highest second highest if it was on eBay I would have been like well that's a scam but because it was on Amazon because Heung Min Choo

sold Po you're selling it did you see the name on the thing it was 12 Chinese names with no spaces in between them and you were like

this seems in the DVD number you know you put is it DHL or DVD number, you know, you put the... Is it DHL or DPD? It doesn't matter. You put the code in for the tracking, right? Theirs come up with nothing, right? But theirs was only one removed from mine, their number, right?

But theirs didn't work. And then I put mine in, and it said that it had been from Hong Kong to China, China to Peru, and I was like, it's on its way, right? And then it didn't have the rest of the journey. But then I checked a week later and I hadn't moved from Peru. And I checked like a week later, like a few days after that,

because it wasn't much longer than a week, right? A few days after that. And I don't know what's the date, I don't know if it's November. I don't want to give away a dingy tracking number. So what had actually happened was you, me and Alex saw 75 PlayStation 5s

and you were like we've absolutely done them somebody's accident somebody's not only selling a PlayStation for £700 they're not trying to make a profit on this they've bought three and they're going to sell them at a mark up of merely £100

do you not hear me, It was going through Peru. They were going to use it as a mule, pack it with cocaine, take the real product, the real merchandise. Why would they do it with a real PlayStation 5? So that they could trade him as hundreds of pounds worth of equipment. Yeah.

I'm joking. It's such a it's such a low level scam and they must have this guy must have been thrilled we were just like fuck it

we're going to put a bunch of 70 pound PlayStation 5 let's look we just bing bing bing three

three oh my god mum three from the same they must be friends they're all well they can't be friends

since they got their other friends to join in on this. They'll be going, oh, there's going to be more. They're going to text all their other mates now. Oh, that's sad. That's sad, lonely people. So I was just... We got the dispatch notification. We're like, sending pictures of the dispatch notification. It's weird.

It's real. Our £70 PlayStation 5's because obviously the man meant to sell them for £700 but we bought them for £70 and it's legally binding that he has it. It didn't arrive. No. I got a refund. Right.

Full refund including the postage and packaging because I was like I'm glad I'm glad you didn't fall in dog shit but let's not pretend that all three of you didn't fall over each other fighting over dog shit

right I'm glad you don't stink of shit but don't for a second pretend three of you weren't fighting over dog shit at one point

being like let's get this dog shit before our friends can don't look at here I got hit with dual dwelling stamp duty because I'm tied into negative

equity with my brother's flat I bought a flat with my brother which now if I sold it I still wouldn't pay off what was left on it

so I'm stuck with this house that I couldn't get rid of so poor Natalie didn't take the burden of it didn't pay extra stamp duty

so I got a massive tax bill. And a 70 quid PlayStation would have been nice. Aye, because I can't lumber my wife with my burdens, financial burdens like that and then just like stealing with a PlayStation

when she's painting her own walls because of me. She's cleaning up the floor from the radiator Natalie it's only 70 quid and she's

sitting on the roof going no it's not why would there be a 70 pound playstation what have I

married what have I married oh quick question before we move on yeah did you or do you plan to

before you paint some of the rooms write things on the wall for the next homeowners I didn't do it but you know what I feel like it's because I'm painting with my dad

I just I think he's I don't think he has that kind of joy in him no nah he's a laugh I have a laugh of him I just I don't think he has that kind of joy in him. No. No, he's a laugh. I have a laugh of him. I think he'd look at that and touch it and shake his head.

I think he'd feel like he was above that. So I'm going to have to do it on the sly. Bobby, is that Stephen Gerrard outside? Is that Stephen Gerrard changing the cars on your tires? Bobby, better go get him Kai was here lol paint paint paint so

but when you're painting is there any point in it when you're painting what nobody strips paint that's a good point if I was wallpapering that is good

oh no no if I was wallpapering I'd be it would be much more on my radar but because I'm painting I don't feel like anyone's going to get

under that layer of paint no no you can't because that's what the the i'm pretty sure they do i mean i'm not trading or anywhere near it but i've definitely had to fucking chisel paint off all before because when we're doing the spare room upstairs i we that's why we're gonna plaster um because we're so basically what they've done because there's two parts of the house right there's the extension of the house, right? There's the extension, which is fucking brand new, and then there's the main part of the house, which is, like, fairly old. And that isn't up to speed with the extension bit.

So what they've done is, like, it's been painted on, then wallpaper over it, then the wallpaper has been painted. And it was like, the room got bigger when we stripped it, because it just had layers and layers. And we realized why they were on wallpaper and paint on the wallpapers because when you strip it, like it's fucking patchy paint. You need paint strip, you need to basically polyfill the whole thing

so we just got a plaster. So I didn't think we'd be able to see behind it. Anyway, we are over running. Well, and it's also we've gone past 420 so I'm sober for no good reason. Okay, let's sort that out. Oh, and my Wi-Fi's arrived. So I'm going to have Wi-Fi in my house now as well.

So I'll be able to stream tomorrow. There's the plug. I'm going to be knitting at 12 o'clock UK time on Tuesdays and Fridays from my new house. Fucking good. Congrats. Twitch stream is twitch.tv slash kymuggins. There you go. Since you didn't get into university Your dad used all the funds They saved up to buy

And rename a bunch of stars And if on a clear night You angle your telescope north By northeast upward at an angle Of 65 degrees you can see a beautiful Constellation of stars each named After a letter that spell My son is a ret. It's a work in progress.

Is it ret? Ret. Oh. He's still working on it. I don't know what else to say. I'll look forward to the next ones. Your dad wears Doc Martens to play football. Your dad pierces grapes and drinks them like they're mini Capri Suns. Your dad had a different wedding song to your mom and he just wore headphones. Your dad is currently on a health kick because he wants to lose a bunch of weight so he can

fulfil his dream of being the angel on top of the Christmas tree. Your dad is Dean Gaffney's limo driver. That's Mr Gaffney to him. Your dad pisses directly upwards in the shower just to remind it who's boss. It. All right, you win. Ah, come on!

All right alright clean me your dad is so competitive he pushed harder than your mum when she was giving birth to you and he prolapsed his anus alright but to be fair she never complains about

childbirth around him she's like childbirth so he's like you think childbirth is so you didn't even know he was born your dad lost his job as a teacher your dad lost his job as a teacher

Your dad lost his job as a school teacher After one parent's teacher evening Where all he would say about the girls Is that they have nice tits for a fat lass Alright Mr Humphreys What did you hear about Christine today Nice tits for a fat lass Next

Oh Kev Your dad whistles while he shoplifts so that he doesn't look suspicious. Shoplifting! I'm not stealing anything! So what we're going to do now is we're all going to do an intro and you're going to be really kind about it,

aren't you? Super kind. Like the nicest you've ever been. Yes!