Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 45 Stage Dive

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

Brimful of Asher on the 45, some classic muggins and cream as they fly guestless unfresh from a hefty session the night before. Boardgames, lame teachers and muggle bashing. Get us in your ears and chuckle on the bus.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? We're back.

Muggins and Cream forever, IDST. Oh God, do you remember that? Big heart around it. Do you remember that other boss, IDST, FEFE, forever and ever? Adidas as well. Adidas? All day I dream about sex. You put those acronyms in your valentines cards.

What was the other offer boards at school you used to get? There's loads of countries as well. Do you have a BMW? Do you want a BMW? Black man's willy. Back when you didn't really know what racism was. Did you do that thing as well where you would put your finger into your hand, clasp it together and go,

open daddy's underpants? Did you do the one where you get your friend's hands? Something like that. Is there a memory card in? Aye. Oh, okay. It's not you that set it up, it's me that set it up.

Do you remember the one where you get your hands like that and then you'd open it up and it looks like a vagina? Oh, yeah. I used to have sex with it. I'd get my friends to do it. I'd get my friends to do it

and just fuck them. You're basically getting a handjob off your mate. No, it looked like a vagina. Okay. You're touching getting a handjob off your mate No, it looked like a vagina Okay You're the one touching the dick Well, there's the church There's the steeple There's all the people

That was quite sinister I didn't get it Why is Daddy God at the six dicks? Well, would you rather be a mouse or a wizard? I don't know Wizard probably Poof So dumb

Did you do that thing As well where You would like Put one Right Cross I'm trying to explain this Because it's on a podcast

Right You would cross your hands over Yeah Right Palms facing each other Yeah Left hand Over the right hand

Yeah And then And then And then And then And then And then And then

And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then

And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then

And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then

And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then

And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then And then and you get your friend to do that and then you wrench down on the hand

and just pop that elbow to the socket I just remember the first one where you just, you did that and then you just twiddled your fingers because it confused your, because your hands were on the other side and stuff, I'd never did the dick move Oh, I forgot my dick move I used to do that jackpot

and just fucking pull the hands down and they just fucking all embalmed all day and we'd fucking get rushed to the school nurse lucky me make her do the things with her hands I wish my hand

looked like a vagina you know that's what gynaecologists practice on before they're like you're a real vagina they do smear tests on a friend's hands take swabs

it's just like it's like it's like you know for CPR you've got the practice things that's what their version of it is because they're

underfunded you can tuck your thumb in as well make it look like a clit can you? no I was like I didn't know version 2.0 was out

Proportionally that would be a big clit Apparently you do get massive clits But I've never seen one Semi-on clit No No Apparently you get massive ones and stuff Yours is pretty big

I don't know what people are talking about That was easy to find Did you get all strump in your cock with two fingers? I was a disgrace last night Yeah apparently I was a fucking disgrace So we're at the Melbourne Comedy Festival And a fan guy came out for the first time in a while

He let his hair down the knee Fucking stop off Kai came out for the first time in a while He let his hair down didn't he Puked his top off Why his shirt is a bandana Crack on Get back in there Kai You never left Frank the Tank We got drunk You joined us later

Because I'd been drinking with Nick Cody And Gene and Lucia And all that stuff And then you turned up Beat at the gym I'm not going to have much and then you fell off the stage

and then you bought some tasty shots I did jammy you bought me pudding jammy donuts what even is it it didn't even taste

alcoholic it's like the cherry liqueur along with like cream on top it was divine me on top just me laying across

a shot it really tickled my pickle. I don't know if I call this pickle. I used to call it Gene Pickle but neither of us can remember why. Because it must have clicked. It just smells of vinegar. Keep it in a jar. Old gherkin click gene. No.

It's a pickle isn't it? What a gherkin. Gherkin. People call gherkins pickles. What are they doing? Americans innit? It's like sidewalking pavement and boot and trunk. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay No It's a pickle isn't it What a gherkin Gherkin People call gherkins pickles What are they doing Americans innit Yeah It's like sidewalk and pavement And boot and trunk Yeah

And they call the overhead lockers On the aeroplane bins Bins aye It's not what a bin is Nah I'd be pissed off if it was a bin You're doing bins wrong Can you put your bag in the bin

Nah It's fine I'm tripping They call it trash They're trash don't they Maybe that's what we should call them The overhead trash cans yeah

get back to your story about you falling off the stage drunk and tired fuck wait the stage is high it's the high five venue that's why it's called

the high five oh no so the stage is pretty fucking big I'm going to say like chest height stage so I'm dancing giving a big licks

fucking with my top off on the stage on the stage who asked you to dance on the stage everyone on the Chest height stage. I'm dancing giving a big licks fucking with me top off Who asked you to dance on the stage everyone on this everyone's dancing on the stage I wasn't just like these guys They need to need some help this has banned isn't got enough movement So there's like it's strictly no tops policy going on on the stage There's just someone policing it this girl was just going like I get off I on On the stage There was just someone policing it Right This girl was just going like Get a top off Get off the stage It was fucking

With 50 people on there Topps off Tap's off Tap's off So I'm fucking dancing Tap's off on the stage Which was so fucking In my moment

That I forgot I was on the stage I just thought I was on the dance floor Started fucking You know how I take my backwards dancing Oh my god I fucking spaffed it off that stage I'm not talking about Just like a little slip

And my foot hit the ground Like Woo So like on your back I think I twisted Because I've got a sore hip My hips Maybe you were twerking too much

I was twerking That might not be related To the fall That much is nice I was twerking Like it was an audition I know The second Shakira came on

I was like Kai's hip's gonna hurt in the morning Kai's gonna be on the stage In a second So there I was twerking like it was an audition I know the second Shakira came on I was like Kai's hip's gonna hurt in the morning Kai's gonna be on the stage in a second So there I was fucking slut dropping Slut dropping and slut shaming Slut dropping being like I was just fucking

giving a big licks to Lou Bega fucking Mambo No. 5 and all of a sudden the dance floor disappeared I was like oh where's the dance floor He did that like Wile E. Coyote when he dance floor he did that like Wile E. Coyote when he runs off the edge of a cliff like the Wile E. Coyote

for you call me proper I held up a board in the end and then disappeared into a cloud of dust and then he tried

to run off I ran through a tunnel but when he tried to run through it it turns out I just painted it it's one of the only impressions

I can do the only impression I can do so I fucking spaffed it so much so that people were concerned

Fred was like genuinely concerned and I said to Fred today the concern on your face was fucking priceless and she went

yeah because the doorman was coming over she didn't even bother about my health she just didn't want me to throw it out because I was being fun

like clearly yeah well fucking the doorman just helped us up fucking good for me fucking honestly fucking people

held up points and then you got put in a taxi home two minutes away from where you block away Stanley like I was so fucked Stanley called us an Uber and put us in the Uber And then you got put in a taxi Home Two minutes away from where you were A block away Stanley

Like I was so fucked That Stanley called us an Uber And put us in the Uber That's a terrible insult No no no You're an Uber So he got us an Uber Because I was too fucked to get home

The Uber driver just took us literally Up the lane And then left And then my house was there Like 200 feet 200 foot Uber it was a limo you just walked to the front

I got in the back walked to the front thanks for the lift Stanley was like got an Uber back from there I was like I figure you were the drug warden

I wonder how much the Uber was he went into the tenner charged us a tenner he says I owe him 30 quid for drugs. Fucking mug. You know what I did last night? You know when you take a pill? No, I've never done it.

What are you talking about? You know when you take a pill and then like 30, 40 minutes later the pill hasn't kicked in. It's not working. I'm going to have another one. I did that on purpose. I knew it was coming because every time

I've done it by accident I've felt like an idiot but I've had a great time like never have I done double drop by accident last night was shit I think I'm boring

isn't it despite yourself I'm glad I was on drugs because I think if I felt if I took that fall sober I'd still be in the hospital now I'd be in intensive care

I think if you weren't on drugs you wouldn't have fallen off the stage like so it's it's alright like been it I would have done that anyway because I had a plan it was in my diary dear diary

I'm going to fall off the stage tomorrow Dan I look concerned I think he likes me Oh my god So did you feel Didn't stop us dancing though did it No That never can

That's what I've always said about you Nah There's always dancing I lost some time dancing I lost about 30 seconds I'm going to say But I'll claw that back I'll take it tomorrow

It's lag day at the gym So it should be easy Where did you go Oh I Day of the morning It's leg day of the gym So it should be easy To get a quarter out of reach Where did you go? Oh I Popped smoke I was just like Everyone was on

Like a different level And I was just so So drunk as well Like And I'd also had a big one The night before So I was like Oh I can power through this

And then at like Four in the morning My body was just like It's bedtime And then I came home and it got really high. So you went back at four? Aye. Fuck, we stayed out ages after that.

I think I might still be out. Not going home? I'm still on it. So how did you stay out till then? I don't know. Check fucking Stanley's Uber app. No idea. He probably thought he was going to be

taking someone to work probably should have just got the tram fuck I don't know how I got up my stairs and into my room did you not fall asleep in a pub

aye I must have got up from then yeah obviously to get back to bed that wasn't that bad and then just had like the

world's laziest fucking day today. Watched all the Travellers on Netflix, which I highly recommend. It's a fucking beller of a show. Check it out. What have we made? It's a comedian who will remain unnamed for the sake of the story. Mouth it to me. No, I'll just tell you what happened.

I'll tell you the name after. You might know who it is when I tell you the story. But he bought Coke in this country, which is fucking far too expensive than the fun you're going to have. It's like $350 for a ground mate. So he bought this coke because he was going to meet his friends, and his friends bailed on him. And he just went up to his room, done the lot on his own in a hostel.

That's a problem. That's the saddest night ever. He was so chipped by the next day about like how tragic it was he just fucking thought it was hilarious

god I can't even guess who that is everybody said he just fucking reckons he got a cock injury he just spent the night pulling his

cock off on cocaine in a hostel his job is so glamorous I yeah the dream just fucking living the dream have we run out of stuff to say

have we already it was a pretty heavy one last night do you remember that first podcast we did when you came back it was like two hours long we still had more to talk about

it's been four episodes since then I'm already bored of you we've already said everything to each other. Like a married couple. We should have got another guest. I do feel like we should have

Kerry back on the podcast considering. Yeah, I asked him if he wanted to be on today but he... He said next because the last one was so shit. Nah, he's just... Shit.

Well, tonight our plan is have a bit more weed and then we're going to play more of the Risk, The Walking Dead. Every time we play this game it always ends up With you and me fighting

And fucking each other over Like we just end up Yeah I don't know Why we're so hostile To each other on the board We're probably quite A formidable team Yeah I think the thing is

You and I see each other As the biggest threat And then what that means Is we focus all our energy On what the other two Are then becoming Bigger threats Yeah

We just can't see each other out Because we don't Trust each other at all Let's just Should we just roll over see each other out because we don't trust each other at all let's just roll over them tonight should we do it should we play the

whole game holding hands rolling dice at the same time stroking me hair when it's my turn we can do this because this podcast

isn't going to go until afterwards right and we can have Stanley next week should we disagree to roll through them yeah

you and me creating lines right now and then on the next episode we can talk about how badly one of us betrayed the other one. So are we going to not attack each other at all? Oh, I think tactically,

like if it makes sense to... So if I can move my troops out and you can gain a territory, we're fucking such nerds. No, we are. You hear how nerdy we are. Honestly, I was genuinely considering... In fact, maybe I have put it in Muggle Corner this week.

No, I didn't't I was thinking about putting it in board games like every don't get me wrong I'm the amount I'm loving it is proof of how good it is I'm Muggle as fuck

and I got talking to Stuart Goldsmith at the gig the other day and told him we got it and he started like he's banging into board games he started riffing on

all these other games we could play and I feel like this Rift Games is a gateway drug into full geekdom but you know what I think I think because if you get into that world of comic books and board games and stuff like that there Games is a gateway drug into full geekdom. But you know what I think? I think because if you get into that world of comic books and board games and stuff like that,

there's such a big following. You know, if you got pretty expert at everything and started doing content on it and video blogs and stuff like that, you could probably be famous in quite a big subculture. Oh yeah, isn't that what? I watched... There's a sad nerdy thing I did a couple of weeks ago while I was home alone. I got high and started watching ago while I was home alone. I got high and started watching people play Dungeons and Dragons

on YouTube. Full three hour sessions like in front of an audience. You watched a three hour game of Dungeons and Dragons? Aye. You watched the full thing? Aye.

You can squint your eyes. Oh, but the thing is, not like that's just one episode like that's one thing right shit I hated how much

I was enjoying it I'm like this is like if somebody walked in I'd honestly rather they caught me like masturbating to something horrific

than what watching Dungeons and Dragons just masturbating to Dungeons and Dragons I don't even understand that game it's nowhere It's almost worrying It's almost like something like Heroin

Where you go I'm never going to do it because I'll get hooked forever Honestly I didn't understand the rules of Dungeons and Dragons When we started watching These guys play it and I was like I can pick it up but it is the nerdiest thing And I don't think I can ever allow myself to play it Would you love your kids to be nerds?

Like full nerds I think they'd be easy to buy for right? I think my dad misses Me and my dad have the opposite story To all the American TV shows Where it's like You know how normally it's The dad's like a jock or something

Who played American football in high school And then his son is like a nerd And is like Sensitive or wants to get into Computer programming or whatever football in high school and then his uh son is like a nerd and is like you know sensitive or wants to you know get into computer programming whatever and it's like this big testosterone dad just doesn't understand his intellectual son right my dad's got had the fucking opposite world my dad is a fucking genius right and when i was a kid all i wanted to do was fucking play football do loads of physical activities oh there's so much software to download on your hard drive.

He is, I must destroy him how bad I am with technology, which I think is good is the fact that later on in life, when I was like 15, 16, was when I started getting into comic books

and I was always into gaming so me and him could share that, but when I got into comics books, that's something that me and him properly love. We'll read them and then share them with each other.

Yeah, I think I'd like my son to be a nerd because he could buy loads of cool gifts and get him into it, but I wouldn't like my daughter to be a nerd because then she'd get fucked by nerds Can't keep that gene pool going on I feel good for my dad the fact that he had Matthew, my middle brother who is an utter dweeb

So he's got his nerd. Oh, he does. Matthew's... Took him a few rolls of the dice, but he got one. I've listened to them have arguments that I can't... Matthew is 10 years younger than me, and him and my dad are having debates about things that I don't understand a fucking word they're saying. I'm just sat there at 26 being like,

guys, I occasionally smoke weed, and they're both like, we don't find that cool. And I'm like, oh, God, what a backwards family. It's the opposite world. Yeah, who doesn't find drugs cool and I'm like oh god what a backwards family opposite world yeah who doesn't find drugs cool it's the first thing you're taught teachers tell you drugs aren't cool therefore

drugs are cool oh fucking Mr Holbeck knows what he's talking about that cool guy did you name drop a teacher no he was actually the teacher that swore

which I thought was cool at the time but what a dick just swearing in front of kids he's just how would he swear in front of kids I'm not that bothered about the. Just swearing in front of kids? How would he swear in front of kids? I'm not that bothered about the idea of swearing in front of kids, because I think swear words are,

but the fact that he was doing it to try and get approval. So this is middle school, so it would have been about the age of 9, 12 maybe. And the teacher was saying fucking shit, and they had this dick, and I was like, such a cool teacher. Like,

mug, desperate mug. We had a teacher called Mr. McAnally and that totally worked against him because he was a cool teacher. Still to this day

I really liked him as a fucking teacher. But he came in new to the school and he was like a techie teacher like graphcom computer programming

and stuff and design and he came in and he was the same like he would swear he would make fun of students but he would make fun of the cool kids to each other,

like he wanted to be part of the group, he loved being respected, in fact we all found him hilarious, but then he lost all the fear, that they need to have to have any control, so one day I had like Quake 3 on a USB drive, and I just installed it on all the computers in the thing, and he just walked into 16 of us playing this online.

They took advantage of him. Everyone get off the computers and we're like, and he just sat and he was like, get out of the teacher. We're like, we're playing this. He's like, if other teachers come in I'll get fired. We're like, you stand outside like in prison break.

You're the bitch now. Made him walk down the corridor like hold my pocket and put him on detention. He gave me lines and then I made him do it for me. Do you know I got detention once for

it was when our computer we first got computers in our school in my last year of school because I'm pretty old and I remember getting on the internet

and looking at a picture on Rob Celebs. Remember that website? Rob Celebs. There's an archive of celebrities. Before, you could really stream porn. Oh, right, okay. I was on Rob Celebs. I got a picture of Jenny McCaffey up.

My mate come along and just fucking hit control and printed a picture of Jenny McCaffey's tits right next to the teacher. Like the printer on her desk. I remember it was Mrs. Faith. That's who it was, Mrs. Faith. She was like, hi, what do you call this? And I just pretended I liked it. I was like, oh, that's fucking nice.

She asked me. And I needed that she's got her pseudo-personal harassment being like mate you'll never get what she did she's just going round showing her students

like bitch on his nudes this isn't the days before mobile phones so there's I'm trying to concentrate on my work This is in the days before mobile phones. I'm trying to concentrate on my work. Can you sign them for me?

Get us a coloured one. Put it on in colour. I remember I had one teacher as well an IT teacher in Ridley High School used to always come in probably well groomed like his hair nice and he had aftershave on and all that and like at the time

I just remember him being pretty slick but I'm like was he on the board? We had a teacher called Mrs. Lee And she was a teacher of computing and stuff But for somebody who was teaching computing She was not great at computing The way we'd get class off

Obviously all work has to be done on the computer So what we'd do Is just take a screenshot Of the desktop background Put the start button down The start bar down Delete all of the desktop background, put the start button down, the start bar down, delete all of the actual icons and put that as the wallpaper and be like, Miss, none of the things are open now. It took three of the school's technicians to work out what we'd done.

You should have just clicked on a picture. Just clicked on a picture and then the technicians come up and be like, it must be a virus because it's on every computer. Oh, God. That's fucking hilarious. Right, should we go into the Mughal corner? Should we stick it to some Mughals? Right. So for any new listeners to the podcast...

Hey, Leah Cody, Nick Cody's sister, big fan of the podcast. Shout out to Leah. Oh, yeah. She says we need to stop describing what Mughal Corner is. Oh, yeah? Yeah, she reckons that if people can't understand what we're talking about

in context they're muggles oh that's fair so if we just talk about it in context people will get the context alright and then we're on board for the next one

alright great well let's go into first Muggle Corner then I'll go first muggles you know muggles make you say please and you'll be like

oh can you pass us the salt please oh fuck you oh muggle off keep the salt I don't want to bother that much you know what I mean oh, can you pass us the salt? Please. Oh, fuck you. Oh, muggle off. Keep the salt. I don't want one of that much. You know what I mean? I'm going to make a peg.

Like, I'm not your slave. Like, I understand it's rude not to. But sometimes it does just slip people's minds. Like, it's the same thing with, like, you're welcome. I'll take the thank you I didn't give you back. Didn't say thank you. What am I welcome for? Dan, who I live with, Dan Willis,

kept making me say pardon me after I farted. You know, just pardon me. I'm like, I'm not going to ask for a pardon now. I've already done it. I should say pardon me, can I fart? Thanks. You probably wouldn't say yes. That's why I did it without

That's why I did it Without your permission It's easier to ask for forgiveness Than it is To ask for permission It really is You fucking I fart a lot

And it's not good When you fart though I was thinking If we were just Fucking saying pardon me once Putting it on my iPad On a little button Just fucking press pardon me

On the iPad Just sick of saying it Just use that thing To shove up your ass And stop farting Never Because then I'll get poo on the iPad, just sick of saying it. Just use that finger to shove up your ass and stop farting. No, because then I'll get poo on my iPad. It's the only way it recognises your thumb.

Yeah, I don't know why I'm saying pardon me after a fart. Yeah, but your farts are absolutely barbaric. Like, look, farts are meant to smell right they smell all farts smell no farts smell good but yours are concerning like

that's why I went and got my insides washed and it's not helped you farted the other day and it was it made it worse just came back with a vengeance

I think it's the protein I mean even when you're like not healthy they fucking I think you're dying inside well you must have. As long as it's on the outside, I'm gorgeous. I've got terrible news.

You just diagnosed me ugly. I'm dying. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm ugly. What? What? I can't remember who did it to me the other day but it was just I was seething with rage

because it was just such a fly away thing I'll ask for a big thing and I'm like can I borrow 50 quid please just for the time being but it was literally something like can you pass us a fork please, oh fucking don't hand me that I'm going to stab it in your fucking neck

like forcing manners like you're assuming that you're a role model please, oh, fucking don't have me, I'm going to stab it in your fucking neck. Like, forcing manners that you, like, you're assuming that you're a role model, like, you're someone that gets to instill this. Because I think you've got, you've got the right to have disdain

for the person that does that. You see, if someone has, think they had bad manners, like, oh, fucking, he's a bit of an obnoxious twat.

You can have them forced, but like, to then try and educate the, like, like you're a mentor. Yeah, because, I think it comes from that thing of like of you're always taught that by your parents

and actual authority figures, right? Those are the ones that are meant to instill it in you. They're like, say please, say thank you, say this, and that's what they do. But sometimes you just fucking forget. And then some cunt who's the same age as you is trying to mum you. You go, dad yourself.

You better just don't pass you the salt. You pass the salt. Or if you deem that I've been rude By asking for the salt Just chuck the salt at me Yeah just get it yourself That's what I tend to do Get it yourself You're closest to it anyway

I don't know why I have to get up Come all the way to that end of the table But I want you to do it Please Do you agree? Yeah. Please. That's straight in

because I was fucking proper victim to it. Pardon me. Say pardon me after you fart. Oh, so pardon me doesn't come after. Pardon me comes after burps. A slow clap after a fart.

Sarcastic. Say pardon me after a burp. I got your burp smell like shit. No, it's always pardon me for being so rude. It was not me. It was my food It just popped up

No it just came up to Okay It just came up to say hello And then it was coming back down Hello I wouldn't say pardon me for farting If you did It stood on your head

Because it comes up to say hello No but even then I wouldn't So if you were better And stood on your head You wouldn't say Just come down Fine

If you're farting mid cartwheel Right You can say pardon me then But the rest of the time Just say sorry Or better yet Don't fucking do it It's disgusting

We just We don't make the rules They're just there I mean you can not fart Yeah but then I just Start blowing up And float off I do

I've just seen the size of it When I've held a fart in For a while I've blown up It's just Mainly when they got People think you're pregnant It's a poo baby I shouldn't fart On people in for a while. No. I'd balloon up. Just randomly run the gut. People think you're pregnant.

It's a poo baby. I shouldn't fart on people. Yeah. It is mean. Yeah. It's like a mean thing to do. You do do that a lot. We do it to each other a lot.

Yeah. Farting on each other. Because it is funny. Man, I fart so much when my headphones on as if people can't hear it. Man, I'll just be like in the gym. I do the same

but without my headphones I just put my fingers in my ears whenever I'm about to do it la la la la la la la do you fart in the gym because I can't I then point at a street guy

pulls a phone on my shirt collar t-shirt collar but there's only there's only two of you in the gym it's just you and the t you just fart

and play at him be like mink say sorry who was it Cody you were on the podcast with when you were talking about

I make noises in the gym do I ever yeah I make fucking noises in the gym because I go to a gym now where people make noises so I'm just like

game on take a competition it's like playing bogeys someone's like oosh and I'm like oosh game on. It's like a competition. It's like playing bogeys. Someone's like, oosh! And I'm like, oosh! But you're just getting water. Getting stretches. I can't sound the fucking noises you make.

It should be silent. It's rude. I think any unnecessary noise that you inflict on another person is rude. And that's what I consider. What do you think this podcast is? No, no, but they've chosen. They've chosen to listen to this like if I was to

just blare this out the window it's like people that play music too loud right we all agree that's fucking rude taxi drivers that talk to you

that's fucking rude I did not get in here for a conversation but then again I also feel aware that I tried that bit on stage once and

turns out a lot people talk to yeah and enjoy it people like oh it's great and I'm like oh maybe I'm just a piece of shit I was chatting to

a taxi driver who listens to the podcast too and he was like now I'm really self-conscious when I talk to me taxi driver yeah and enjoy it people are like oh it's great and I'm like oh maybe I'm just a piece of shit I was chatting to a taxi driver who listens to the podcast too and he was like now I'm really self conscious when I talk to me like punters but it's just a done thing

you just have to tell them to be like no cream's just a bag of shit yeah that's too true so it's in the corner

yeah it's in the corner I'm sure I had something to add there with the oh yeah what you just said there about people playing music

in public transport out their phone like they're proper muggles and cunts and cunts but if anyone's listening to this podcast that is in Muggle Corner

for that specific thing even though this wasn't what we put forward have we put it forward before? I don't think so oh look you get a bonus muggle for playing music because that's fully in

but if you are that person go in the corner think about what you've done but next time you do it put a podcast on play my podcast on the bus if you're going to be a dick at least be a dick

advertising what we're doing just make them hate us as well as you make some new friends so I'm going to put this in Muggle Corner people that use the coloured background

on their status oh what is that? it's to draw you in because you're so used to if you see something in coloured or something that's had a little bit of work done on it to produce the image then it's usually something worth saying because someone's took the time out to put that quote

on a backdrop but now you can just do it at the click of a button people are telling you what I had for dinner but you're drawn in by the coloured backdrop as if it's going to be something good It's like a new bit of self-marketing Yeah and I've just been drawn to and read so many mundane inane fucking gash

statuses. I don't understand how you do it. Huh? I don't understand how you do it. This also includes anyone that as always, the joke was funny for an hour and then it got repeated. People putting up coloured statuses being like, this does not make your status look more interesting.

I know you did that ironically, status look more interesting. Like, you're also, I know you did that ironically, but you didn't. Yeah, part of the problem. So,

I always feel like it's like, you know, when you've got a Fox's Biscuits and one of them's foiled wrapped, it's like unwrapping

the foil and finding out it's a rich tea. You know, you're just like, oh, this has been fucking,

this status has been packaged up. It's like shaking a package and being like, oh, it's an Xbox and you open it up and it's a dead puppy. Yeah, I'm still at it as well. Do you know, on the topic of the foil-wrapped biscuits, do you know Gav actually sent a letter to Foxes?

Did he? Complaining about the foil-wrapped biscuits being no different than the other biscuits and luring him into a false sense of anticipation oh my god Gav he did it being funny when he was high yeah yeah

this isn't Gav I was like you've got to have a serious word with your brother there no he didn't he jokingly done it I emailed him

but it was the same as what I said last week about his phone in the pizza shop and thanking him for the pizza it was just one of

them funny ideas that you have when you're high when you actually commit to it and they i actually got back to them and just said that they've got a high standard for all of their biscuits so if it's the same as the biscuits that's a compliment to their ones it got marked i tell you when i was uh i was about 13 years old 13 or 14 years old i won a competition on a nickelodeon i won a portable dvd player

right so but but how i want it is like i always thought that they check the emails like the winning emails before like before they read it out turns out on nickelodeon it's it genuinely is random right because the one i sent in they was like just send us in your move movie review right and i was just i was 13 old. I was bored of my fucking mind. I was just like, I'm just going to fuck with them. So I sent through one that was like, my movie review is of 101 Dalmatians

because I think it's just me to watch it. And I was obviously, if you thought I was angry now, I was an angry teenager. I was like, we just watched 101 Dalmatians. It was boring. It was shit.

I genuinely wish all those 101 dogs could fit in a blender. And then just sent through like a joke email and then like so I'm just watching Nickelodeon while I'm playing fucking World of Warcraft

and I'm turning around and they're like and our winner today is from Daniel Sloss up in Fife in Scotland he says

my movie review is of 101 Dalmatians I wish all of those dogs could fit okay well congratulations Daniel review is of 101 Dalmatians. I wish all of those dogs could... Okay, well, congratulations, Dan. Live on here, you have to bail out of the bit. And then you won a DVD player and

fucking went straight and bought 101 Dalmatians. I wish I only loved the movie. Turns out I was wrong. I've never seen it. Oh, it's not that great. Read the book. Is there a book on 101 Dalmatians? I don't think so No?

What about the Aristocrats? Cats Aristocrats? Is there any books of Disney movies? Sleeping Beauty Isn't that some of the more off books?

Snow White yeah Jungle Books a book isn't it? Hence the name Oh what's snakes on a plane about? Fucking dumbass Oh, what's snakes on a plane about?

Fucking dumbass. Is there a book of the Book of Mormon? Are there any? The Book of Mormon? You fucking... I am a terrible form. Thick hand. I am swinging without a bat. Jesus Christ.

What was your original muggle corner to try and save you from this? I can't even call out on your status. Oh, yeah. How'd you do it, though? Like, I'm not going to do it, but... What you do, right, it comes up like, there's just loads of coloured icons at the bottom. So you type your status,

just click on the coloured icon the same way as you would, like, tag a friend or, like, whatever you do. Then you just click the colour icon the same way as you would like tag a friend or like whatever you do then you just click the colour and then you go and have a bath and wash yourself clean

because you feel dirty you feel so dirty that you've got to go and scrub yourself until your skin bleeds alright and then after you're done doing that go sit in the fucking corner

you clean muggle bastard and when I saw someone do a passive aggressive status like some people need to fucking mind their own business and all that

with a fucking colour back and I'm like man I honestly think like I think you and I must have a different Facebook experience from each other right you know how like

I've got friends from blind like you know how men and women have different Tinder experiences like my experience from Tinder is by and large a lot of a good right I've met a lot of cool people

from all over the world I've had a bunch of really nice sex and I'm still friends with like a lot and it's good dates me all these great chicks

and then I'll go on Jeans Tinder and I'm just like oh this must be fucking atrocious for you like a new level of hell oh it's just like it's just

like sexual abuse in your pocket like it's it's like people manage to put like four builders inside of your iPhone. And they just wolf whistle. But yeah, because I'm friends with mainly comedians

and some people I went to school with because my school wasn't really middle class, but it's no fucking blithe. All the stuff you tell me about that's going on Facebook when you're like, oh, these people are being like, oh, these people need to mind their own business. I've never seen a status like that in my life. Oh, man. I can guarantee you

every time I go on Facebook, that small town, it's got so much charm. I get some statuses that are like, you know, I've got friends that are like your Blythe mates, and some of those are, you know, poorly spelled and weird, but I find them endearing.

I'm just getting your good Blythe friends. I like it when... But clearly I'm just getting your good, fly friends. I like it when my friends put like on the end of sentences on Facebook. Just to tell you what to do. The way you do like,

the way you talk like. But they'll write it, they'll type it. Because when I say like at the end of stuff, it's like, it's almost like a tick. Yeah.

I don't say, yeah, it's the same way. I know I'm doing it, but if I'm typing it, I know I'm typing it. I'd rather not. When I'm typing it,

I'm not going, eh, oh, it I know I'm typing it I'd rather not when I'm typing it I'm not going oh I just watched Logan today what's his name fucking Hugh Jackman he was meant

what could Wolverine hide your workings let's get in the corner yep my next one is and I'm gonna Michael's watched early morning chat shows

like I never catch them because I'm always in bed but like and I should add on to this I'm throwing someone I love under the bus Lorraine Kelly yeah

I love Lorraine Kelly I've never made that a secret I've got the biggest crush on her I think she is are you friends with her daughter? aye very weirdly like a couple of years ago like when I was like 19 or I've never made that a secret I've got the biggest crush on her I think she is Are you friends with her daughter? Aye Very weirdly Like a couple of years ago

Like when I was like 19 Or I think I just turned like 21 And I've fancied Lorraine Kelly Since I was about 13 years old And You've got a strange crush Like no reason why not

No no But I think it's because My gran used to watch her show All the time Because my gran's a fucking muggle Right And I'm watching it She reminds you of your gran

And so I just watched that i just like she's funny she's smart she laughs all the time which is she's fucking fit mate and uh then like in an interview a couple of years ago when i was 21 they were talking like are you in a relationship and i was like no and i'm i'm single i'm not really looking for a relationship right now. But my ideal woman is Lorraine Kelly, but I know she's married so I wouldn't do that to her, but she does have a, I know she's got a daughter, and apparently daughters grow up to look like their mums,

so I'll just hedge my bets there and just make her a daughter. And this is before I knew how to interview her, I'm just talking out loud, and the guy printed it out in a big newspaper in Scotland, and I end up getting a tweet from Lorraine Kelly's daughter being like, I'm okay with this

and then Lorraine Kelly privately messaged me being like, thanks for saying such lovely things about me. I'm like, aww. That's amazing.

Which to me just made me fall more in love with her because I'm just like, she was so nice about this creepy 21 year old being like, I want to rattle you on your door.

Phew. Yeah. Yeah, because we went to the gym once in Edinburgh and you ended up chatting to someone on the stairs and I was like, gym once in Edinburgh And you ended up like Chatting to someone on the stairs And I was like who was that

And you just randomly That was Lorraine Kelly's daughter It was the first time I'd met her Like after like four years Of never met her before And she was just like Oh Daniel

I was like oh Oh seriously So you hadn't Spoken up before then Fuck you two hit it off Aye Well soulmates You were probably

Shooting the breeze Aye soulmates mate Gasnafellic third wheel I do love Lorraine Kelly but so that's why I feel bad about like I understand why the shows exist it's not my demographic but that's what I mean like the demographic

is we're all muggles I'm not saying Lorraine Kelly's not the best at her job and she's not a beautiful angel which she is same goes for you Phillips Schofield gorgeous man Piers Morgan you can fuck off though

but yeah like the Piers Morgan thing why would you ever want to know what Piers Morgan's opinion is on anything

yeah well I just think with that chat show thing in a world where you can watch whatever you want whenever you want

to be force fed food force fed television like that it's not even force fed you've just chosen to do it yourself You can watch whatever you want, whenever you want. Yeah. To be force-fed food, force-fed food. Force-fed television like that. Yeah. It's not even force-fed. You've just chosen to do yourself.

It's like time killer television. Yeah. It's like when you get up and you know you don't have to go to work that day and that's the type of TV show that's on, right? So people have got the day off. Well, that's what you're going to do with your day off. Right. That's what you're going to do with your day off. But maybe...

When you're on night shift and that's what you're going to do with your time when you're in the house. But maybe it's... Now that I think about it maybe it's just their version of brain chewing because I always play FIFA or watch Friends that's my brain chewing gum

or refreshing Facebook yeah I hung over at the day I couldn't face anything I couldn't pick up a book I couldn't do anything and I just like ghosted Facebook

for about fucking an hour and a half so all your muggle corners on Facebook based things today yeah no doubt but I still think it's a very

muggly thing. Like, because there's always like, there'll be some story in like the newspaper, like of someone who's not a even a celebrity news is already fucking boring. What they'll do is they'll be like, so this local man did this thing today and he's come on the show to talk about it. Dave, I heard you grew

some very large tomatoes. Oh, that's right I did Catherine They're a much larger Like what are you Who's what why Showing photographs Of the tomatoes Tomatoes

Bin Put your tomatoes in the bin Aye Tomato What Tomato Tomato How do Americans say it

Tomato You say tomato I say tomato Aye Did I say it right I'm just high Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye. Aye. Yeah, I just heard it like you're saying it in American. I'm not. Tomato. I don't know how I say it. How do you say it? Tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato, yeah.

Tomato, you said. Tomato. Yeah, I'd say tomato. You wouldn't say tomato? I might do. Is that the age-old question? Depends what I'm doing. You say tomato, I say tomato.

No, the age-old. Yeah. Which came first, the tomato or the tomato? I think it's tomato. And the thing is, we can't ask Twitter because we'll be like, which one do you think it is? And I'll just type it out. Type it out. Fuck! We should do a, we should'll be like what do you think it is and we'll just type it out fuck we should do a

we should do a how do you pronounce it tomato tomato maybe we don't need to I've just done the joke probably got the same reaction so that muggle corner is watching daytime television

yeah I just I understand like what people watch it but it is just my place it's one of those things I've done it But just

Who gives a fuck Yeah I used to Like get Netflix There's so much good shit on it I used to like Big Breakfast Aye Even when I was a kid

What was that one Remember the episode In Amsterdam When I told you I wrote in Aye Yeah It was one episode Where I wrote in

To Big Breakfast And read it out Yeah Vince It was Vinnie Jones And Jenny McCarthy I got printed out In the fucking IT Oh aye Jones and Jenny McCaffey who got printed out in the fucking IT

oh aye small world we've got history we've got previous Jenny McCaffey and Vinnie Jones fucking make this

which is your next one my next trip to Muggleville will be for the heinous crime of bringing the keeper out on FIFA when it's not the end

of the game oh I love that oh it's not the end of the game. Oh, I love that. Oh, it's so muggly. You're like 13 minutes in, the fucking keeper comes up for a corner, you're like, oh man, it's so hack. The reason I do it is if I'm ever two goals ahead of someone

and I know I'm beating them, I'm bringing that keeper out every chance because it makes them panic as well. Because at that point, what they want to do is just shoot, but if you shoot from that far out, you fucking miss. Yeah, and it's also like a little bit of a,

it takes the seriousness off the game. It totally does. You're having a serious game and then they keep, it's 1-1 and they keep back up 20 minutes. I'd love to see that happen in real life. And then you think, oh, but now whoever wins, it's a joke. Do you know what would be funny? Remember when fucking Germany beat Brazil 8-1?

Yeah. Do you know what would be funny funny if like 5-0 down like just randomly so you just saw the fucking German goalkeeper oh man just fucking

sprinting up the pitch and throwing in horrific tackles that would be such bad sportsmanship but it would be fucking brilliant television

yeah it would be brilliant television if you're fucking 60th minute you're winning you're keeping you keep yourself for a corner just drop a dick man

oh man it would take over the internet it'd be great if you want to do it but they're just gonna get called all the fucking names under the sun

I bet you're you're admitting it's funny so therefore how's it Michael it would not do it it's funny when people like when something

funny is happening and people really get on the high horse about it because it is bad sportsmanship or whatever. Do you know the Newcastle fans getting totally slated by other Newcastle fans? Do you know what they did? They started a crowd fund to hire a plane

to fucking fly a banner saying, fuck off Sunderland over, I just need him alive. I don't think it was fuck off Sunderland, but it was something of the likes about them being relegated so on the

day when they get relegated the fucking plane's gonna fly with a big banner over

they're not doing it because when the crowd funder started doing well the more

wider public heard about it and started absolutely panning them like other Newcastle fans were like

disassociating themselves with the idea and ended up giving the money to charity

but I was like I guess that's decent yeah and I see what the fucking right on people are getting at like if you're going

to raise that money you won't fucking blow it when there's problems in the world pretty funny though pretty funny alright that's it

have you seen the picture I don't know if it's true if it's photoshopped I hope to god it's true But it's just a guy in a plane And it's got that banner at the back And it just the banner says

Where's your plane you fucking peasant I'm like that's amazing Like if I was on the beach and I saw that I'd be like that is hysterical I would love seeing that from my jet someone flying behind a private jet you're playing shit

oh the other good one was again I think it was photoshop but it did make me laugh is you know the sky writers yeah

just one of them got bored and just wrote how do I land oh nice that's gotta be photoshop right I hope

well how many can you write before it starts dispersing It depends on how windy it is I reckon So you just get a couple of letters in And then You can do like

I love you Lorraine Kelly and stuff So I'll stay there for a bit I've started a crowd funder I'm just gonna get to fly over her home Gonna get tattooed on my back If you are listening, Lorraine Kelly. I'll look at one, she's pegging it.

If you are listening, Lorraine Kelly. One, I don't want to be pegged. But if you're interested. I'll do it for you. I'd love you to get pegged by Lorraine Kelly. I'm not. I'd cook all of you. No, wait.

If she was pegging me does that mean you're my husband in that situation like you're the one being cuckolded if Lorraine Kelly's fucking me you're the cuck

yeah that's how you'd I'd cuckold you no I'd be the cuckold no the cuckold's the one that does it the one that watches

aye yeah I'd be that I'd be in the cupboard watching Lorraine Kelly peg the shit out of you you show him Spit on him I'm going to disagree

I'm not going to let this go in the corner Okay Because I love it It is just I do feel like an old man When someone does it They're like Kids these days

Back in my days You used to have respect on FIFA Back in my day You couldn't have respect on FIFA Back in my day You couldn't bring the keeper out Good old days It's not going in It's safe if you bring the keeper out You go in the legend corner

You think people Are going to keep you out In a legend I think it's hilarious I think it's hilarious It's almost so lame It's funny again It's only funny Because it's hilarious It's almost so lame It's funny again It's only funny

Because it's lame It's like teabagging someone Teabagging Like on Call of Duty Or Halo That's never not funny The only time it's not funny Is when it's happening to you

But teabagging What about What about when you One of the proudest I've ever been In my life right Was when I was playing My younger brother Matthew At like Halo

And he was shit but he was getting into games and he killed me and I just we were all sitting around the same TV playing it and he killed me

and he's like nine years old at this point and he just runs up and teabags me and me and my dad are in absolute fucking bits

you can't reprimand that do you think it's always funny like cupcaking someone it's not no no I tried to win it back pardon say pardon pardon me for suggesting cupcaking someone it's not nah no I tried to win it back pardon

say pardon pardon me for suggesting cupcaking you the other one I think it's hard as a dad like I love my dad so much

me too but in different ways but in 10 minutes you're going to be saying some pretty mean stuff about him so I don't think that's true

flirting hitting's flirting treating him mean keeping him keen I think it's hard like from aittin's flit Treating him mean Keeping him keen I think it's hard Like from a Like he's a fucking great dad But like

He never But he's not a great grandad He's Like it must be a difficult situation When your kids are being funny But you know you have to reprimand them And he was never good at it Like there was one time

We were at the cinema And we were all there And Jack my youngest brother must have been about 5 or something so Matthew was 7 or 8 and so I'm about 15 and I was about 17, I'm there with my dad

and Jack's just discovered his zipper but all he's done is put his finger down his pants and he's put his finger out and he goes, look, that's my Whitney and he's 5 years old and he's doing this in a public place and he goes, shows my mum and he's pissed figure it is good that's my wedding and he's five years old these two in this in a public place because she's like Martin talk to him and my dad did math you just turn around and we're just all in this five-year-old he's white take a bit tennis figure is a cock I just Five Four men Just lapped one of them up It's just positive reinforcement I

Could never get him to stop that It was funny when he got his actual dick out I'll tell you what Because he didn't mind sticking his finger in I knew he'd taken it too far When I was eating the popcorn And I put my hand down there And his finger was sticking out the bottom

Put his finger in the popcorn He's pretending his finger's sticking out the bottom. Puts his finger at the popcorn. He's pretending his finger's his dick, but he's really committed to it. I think that's how Lorraine Cully's going to peg you. Yeah, but I'll fool her, because what I'll do is I'll turn my hand into the hand vagina thing. Put it between your legs.

It's just a really elaborate handshake. You're actually still not on first base We've only held hands Muggles Muggles listen to radio Like outside of the car Right I've started Muggles Muggles listen to radio Like outside of the car Right I started Let me specify further

Not music radio That's background noise Like Radio 4 People talking Yeah Like Then again

I've never found the appeal Or like radio plays I start Because I never read the news And I never watch the news Because I'm never Watching television If I do it's Netflix Don't watch the news because I'm never watching television. If I do,

it's a Netflix. Don't spoil it for yourself. I'm just waiting to go have a big old catch up with me on my buses. I started too late. I don't know what's going on to be honest with you.

You can't just jump in at any time. Fuck, you can't start on episode one. Episode one of the news. Fuck's sake, that's coming. Fuck, I'm going to write some jokes about this. Read about it.

Be topical. So I found the radio app on my iPhone and I just started like when I go out for my runs listening to the radio

listening to the news because I thought it might be a good way to do all your purpose I'm running anyway I like when I'm cooking and I'm like making me breakfast

or whatever I listen to the news but the only reason I stopped was because the wifi in fucking Australia is gash what the fuck is going on with this country?

I don't understand. It's so ahead of everything. It's ahead on everything. But it's Wi-Fi. It's third world. I mean, it's definitely not ahead in game mileage. Oh, shit, yeah. Right.

Actually, fucking... Yeah, you've accidentally just... Pretty backward, actually. And refugees are bad about... Did I tell you this about their you know how they've got water coolers

on every corner they've just like got drinking fountains it's a fucking great idea and I like because I go for drugs quite a bit

fucking stuff to have a drinking fountain and I said it was one of the barmaids of Pedro O'Brien's in Adelaide I was like oh I can't believe

there's water fountains in this country because in the UK if they had water fountains on every corner they'd be urinals like by day one and she was like you don't drink out of them do you people piss in them Like water fountains In this country Because in the UK If they had water fountains On every corner They'd be urinals Yeah Like by day one

Yeah And she was like You don't drink out of them Do you People piss in them They drink a lot of piss So What were we talking about

Radio Like radio plays and stuff Like I've just Yeah I've never found the appeal. And as well, even when some of my friends get radio shows commissioned, I'm excited for them.

I'm like, oh, that's pretty cool. But even though they're my friends, I've got no... Even though I want to hear that work. Yeah. I just don't know. I've never followed a link

and listened to any of their radio shows. They might be good. I really think so. I don't know. I don't know how you would use I reckon Ivan Brangry had one I reckon that must

have been good because he's fucking great do you reckon if radio was less pedestrian if like they could just put podcast style content

how good would the radio be if you're listening to someone's MDMA stories yeah well I guess that's why I just think it's a bit muggly because we've come

on a podcast yeah you can choose what you listen to With radio, it's the same thing with watching early morning TV You're literally being told what to watch And you're being told what to listen to When you've got all this fucking library of stuff Yeah, that's why I'll not watch TV Because I can download or stream whatever I want to watch

So I never watch the programmed program It'd be like the only books you read Were ones that people threw Threw at your door Randomly Yeah That's weird Isn't it Books is the only thing

That gets away with that You're reading for the day Oh newspapers Essentially what it is Muggly to not want a choice Yeah So you're getting It's pretty much

The same thing In that case As the daytime TV Aye So but Let's double down And have 60 seconds in the corner.

Get back in the corner you muggle. Yeah. What's your final one? Is it the final one? What's your final form? My final one is, people that tell

comedians jokes. Aye. It's, it's so excruciating. Like, even if the joke's dynamite, they put such a level of expectation on you

because they're about, and as well, anybody that says, oh, he has a joke and sets up the joke, I say, nah, I don level of expectation on you because they're about, and as well, anybody that says, oh, he has a joke and sets up the joke, I say, no,

I don't know, I can be quite good at it. I do like a long form joke sometimes. Yeah. But not when, not when it's under the context of, oh yeah, comedian,

here's one for you. Yeah, it is also like, I've heard so many jokes and you've got to understand, like, normal jokes really don't make me laugh anymore. Like,

old pub jokes. Some of the classic ones, like, Steve, you remember reliving the days of like the jokes. Some of the classic ones, like Steve, you remember reliving the days of the English, Irish and Scottish ones. I remember laughing at those, but I don't find them funny anymore. So, what do you call... You're like, I'm already... This format died years ago.

Yeah. When we were in Adelaide Airport, sorry, Perth Airport, flying to Adelaide, the woman that was checking water in had a bicycle that needed put in and I was gonna be an extra charge for that and we're going over the weight in one of the bags and she was like found out what comedians like our ways she just make small talk found out what comedians going to the next festival and then started like telling where joke like a really fucking long-winded shit gosh

joke and then charged with our stuff you know overweight and I'm like don't don't ear fuckers and then fucking finers yeah like you're doing a dick move to this like yeah it's all it's a little bit over but you don't need to charge with yeah we were like trying to move stuff from one back to the other so that's how it had to happen for so long yeah it's because we're trying to spread the weight so we're not getting charged for the extra she's just doing her type five on you she's doing a tight five on us and I'm just like, we're not friends. Like, we are not friends. You could totally, like, like,

overlook this charge. It's like, it's like getting to pick the music that you get murdered to. I would have fucking loved that joke when we told it if she just fucking cancelled the... Aye.

Slapped her in the back. Yeah. Not awfully. So, and the fact that, like, you get told jokes that I have to tell a joke

when you're a comedian because there's that many Muggles in the world That's the main reason I don't reveal my job Until it's kind of Dragged out of it Yeah same

I'm so proud of what I do For a living But I don't want to tell a stranger Because it's also the Level of expectation People have of me See when I go to parties And stuff

Like Of like A friend But they'll have some other friends That I've never met before Or Normally happens whenever Like I start dating a girl Going over to Meet her friends Or whatever like a friend but they'll have some other friends that I've never met before or normally happens whenever I start

dating a girl going over to meet her friends or whatever the second I walk in they all know I'm a comedian or they even know

who I am or they've been told that I'm a comedian and then they watch stuff on YouTube and you can just see the expectation and the rise

because there's two reactions people want you to be hilarious all the time or two you get men who are threatened and intimidated by it so they're just like so you're a comedian yeah i'm like yeah i've made his laugh yet you're not fucking paying me can't no you know my audience when i went when i went to the

mma gym in there in perth i like they knew i was a comedian but i was never once funny in that gym no because i'm going to train. No. I just had this crushing thing that they just all thought I was gash. No. I mean, I might be in their opinion, but they haven't seen us. They're basing it off nothing.

Don't judge a book by how it wrestles. Yeah, this guy on the judo mats over here, cracking any jokes. I'm in fucking agony. My eyes are hitting me back. I'm tapping out it's a tough gig that's absolutely

fucking straight in so just to go through all the six muggles make you say please muggles watch early morning chat shows

and muggles listen to radio yep and muggles do not bring their keeper out on FIFA legends do that just legends only legends

however it does make me touch which is also muggly do not bring their keeper out on FIFA. Legends do that. Just legends. Only legends. However, it does make me touch, which is also muggly. I'm the muggle. I should have just held up a mirror. You've mugged yourself. Yes. Putting colours on your Facebook post. Stop doing that.

It's not nice. Stop luring us in. And muggles tell jokes to comedians. Yes, they do. And finally, our final and favourite game, as always, Your Dad Jokes. I had to prop my giggle on before waiting for Dad Jokes. No, you did. You've clearly got a good one in there, one you're proud of. I mean, I think I was just laughing too much now.

Anyway, shall we get them? Your dad's scared of lamps. It's like the opposite of a moth. I think the opposite of, I love lamp. Thank you from Anchorman. I wish I could remember his name. Steve Carell. Your dad's scared of lamps.

Andy's scared of the dog. Never stop screaming. When your dog went to the vet and came back with... He ran out of the house. Hit another table. He's like, they've evolved.

I tell you that to the way I had you know them lamps like the lamp off the Pixar thing we made a lamp oh you've had screams never seen Toy Story

can't get past it can't get past the opening credit so he had a lamp like that and I pretended his lamp was gay and we had to look at his cr had a lamp like that and I pretended his lamp was gay and we had to

look at his crotch and stuff like that and he got proper madness we were kids but when I was looking back I think he was

getting madness for saying his lamp was gay but I think he might be getting madness because he thought I was flirting

dude we're just mates I don't know what your game is yeah your lamp's paving I need to look like a cock he's like fuck off man oh shit

dad jokes your dad has a pet toad that he keeps in his shed pocket he feeds it the flies that he picks out your hair when he's grooming us your dad names his farts like hurricanes

your dad runs into your room and jumps up and down on your bed on christmas morning your dad's big plan is to become a millionaire is to make heelys that are also sandals he's on dragon's den next week your dad kisses like a fish your dad shouts run Forrest run at joggers what a muggle your dad's semi-on

is bigger than he's hard on your dad replies to texts from dominoes oh god they want to fuck off as well

by the way did we sign up for them how do you get the texts off dominoes oh god now you wanna fuck off as well by the way fucking did we sign up for them how do you get the text off dominoes I think you put your number in once and they fuck you

for the rest of your life your dad had had a sneeze as a fifth of an orgasm so spent all of his redundancy money on pepper your dad's foreskin has eyelashes Thought it tickled

You're winking at me After people sing happy birthday Your dad always likes to be the first person to shout out Are you winking at me? After people sing happy birthday, your dad always likes to be the first person to shout out, hip hip. And if anyone beats him to it, he writes that name down in his book. And they're not invited next year. To his birthday.

Your dad can't lick his own nose, but he can lick mine and it's getting really annoying human resources are getting involved inappropriate inappropriate behaviour on the workplace that tickled you didn't it if you're in the workplace your dad that tickled you didn't it maybe dad's eyelashes

this is just a podcast of me laughing now you're sat in the way to work listen to me laugh your dad your dad does the walking down the stairs

trick behind the couch when there's no one else there just off to get some wine from the basement whenever your dad drives past a graveyard he rolls down the window and flips at the bird

suck a wrist your dad got married with his shoes on the wrong feet Your dad makes motorbike noises During sex And wears the helmet Keeps stalling Keeps conquering

Your dad fly That's what George is asking Whenever your dad is at a Japanese restaurant He puts the chopsticks in his mouth And pretends to be a walrus No, I'm not done I'm not done Whenever your dad's at a Japanese restaurant He puts the chopsticks in his mouth No I'm not done I'm not done Whenever he dance At the Japanese restaurant

He puts the chopsticks In his mouth And pretends to be Walrus Which is hilarious And then he bends over Shoves one up his ass And says Look I'm a narwhal

You do that Your dad cuts pictures Of himself out and sticks them over the features in all of your school photos. Because he thinks he's my greatest teacher. And he uses a black marker to colour out the rest of the children. It's you and him. Oh, man. Oh man Right

So we are both doing shows In the Melbourne International Comedy Festival You can come see me every day At 7pm at the taxi Down Riverside by Federation Square Thank you to everyone who's come so far So many people coming in from the podcast Yeah

Well there's not that many people coming in There was an hour so far so many people coming in from the podcast yeah well there's not that many people coming in from the podcast the ones that are off the podcast I mean proportionally not numbers but yeah it's really nice

to meet people off the podcast it's so odd because they know so much more about us than we know about them

it's such a I don't realise how candid we are oh yeah and how deep and personal we go just because everyone just asks after Natalie I don't realise How candid we are Oh yeah And how deep and personal we go Just because Well it's just like

Everyone just asks after Natalie Oh man So yeah We're both on at 7 o'clock right So choose one Pick a team Team Muggins Team Dream

No what we'll do is We'll get them We'll make them somewhere neutral You stand on one side of the room I'll stand on the other And we'll both go You're a podcast fan You're a podcast fan you're a podcast fan

whoever they come to first get them yep cool let's do that let's meet tomorrow 6.30

meet at 6.30 on your show's on at sub club every day yep and we will we're still working on getting this live podcast

done but it's starting to look more like a reality in Melbourne so keep listening apart from that you guys great we've got through this it's all over as fuck

and I am I thought it was a decent episode yeah I loved it let's talk about this after the podcast Muggins out see you later kids