Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 46 New Shirt

Episode Date: April 15, 2017

Our Average Thursday podcast, recorded on Good Friday and released on a Fantastic Saturday. Muggins is looking fre$h as fuck and unfresh cream is confused. Daniel gets to the bottom of a very obscure health scare. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Yeah, we're back.

I'll tell you all. Where's the cream making it rain? I'm here to Spain, now and again. I really think this is the weakest part of the podcast, is always the start. You dropped us in it there, I didn't have anything for you prepared in my head. Normally I've got them all written down.

Hold on, right. You practice them at gigs welcome back to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the robe road

all roads lead to robe all roads go to heaven it's me Cream Dinoslaus and Muggins

Kyle Humphreys still in Melbourne still doing gigs thank you very much you said apparently our reunion episode got like 3,000 listeners. Yeah. There's a massive spike.

I had a look at the thing. To be fair, I reckon that might have just been me because that was also my favorite episode. I listened to quite a fair bit. On several devices. Just at the same time. I was saying it was really shit. I don't know what I was doing it for. So thank you to any new listeners who have stuck through.

And obviously to all of our loyal fans you fucking morons how are you enjoying Melbourne so far? I'm loving it I've been living there quite a while can I ask about your shirt?

yeah so you're wearing a slightly see-through very opaque white opaque is the opposite of see-through

it's opaque no but opaque is not opaque is not slightly see-through translucent I think opaque is a bit see through isn't it no opaque

is like blam you can't see a thing oh so it is that wall's opaque that window's translucent

transparent it's not translucent it's a shirt you're translucent it's a shirt it's a shirt your Scottish skin is translucent

why are you wearing a shirt to a podcast what are you dressing up shirt to a podcast? Why are you dressing up? Because it's Good Friday. It's the weekend. It is.

It's Good Friday, but all Fridays are good. If you're me. Everything's a Friday if you're good enough. Get off the podcast. Why? I don't want to shoot for nothing. Why are you wearing a shirt? Friday if you're good enough get off the podcast get off well I want the shirt for nothing what are you wearing a shirt I just bought some

fly threads right imagine wearing any of them wearing the shirt I just think it goes really good with these dungarees it really

brings up my crocs I got a I got a handful of nice linen shirts before I've

been doing some gangster shit aye do you think gangsters wear linen yeah

I can't correct you I don't know enough about gang warfare I wear linen got my favourite steak joint

steak a peach I know Gang Karachi, I don't know enough about gang warfare. Put a well in him. Got a favourite steak joint, say capiche. I know how gangsters roll. You got any more questions about gangsters? I thought when you said gangsters you meant like the bloods and the skins. Bloods vs skins. That's how they five aside. Bloods vs skins. Why are you wearing a shirt?

So, mainly just because it was hanging there. And I was like, I look good. That shirt looks good. Let's look good. One plus one equals five. I don't know. I've got a t-shirt to clean. Do you remember one of the first episodes of this podcast

was you complaining that I'd turned up in like a full suit? You were in a suit? Aye. Me wearing a suit, we agree, is me dressing up. You wearing a shirt, and also... It's amazing how much of a response I get when I wear a shirt. Because people just don't see it coming. They just assume that you're going to fucking court.

Like, who did you touch and wear? Yeah, who's is that? Who did you borrow that off? I bumped into Rhys and Kieran on the street. Rhys Nicholson and Kieran Wheatley? Yeah, and I was wearing my jog pants because I'd come from the gym. So I had my joggers on.

I had a hoodie on. I was wearing block grey. But I was just walking through the centre of town so it looked like I was on a night out. I just don't mean way have that in the gym, but down Swanson Street, they're always looking slick. Yeah.

Like, they always, like... Reece Nicholson is always, like, the most... He wears a dickie bow tie from day to day, right? But have you ever seen Reece not dressed up? It's... I mean, he still looks great, but it's just so different to how he normally looks. Like, he'll wake up, you know, he's got no make-up on,

his fucking hair's not done up, and he's just, a vest and slacks and you're like it's the gay thing in act are you on downtime right now yeah you're backstage just recharging um so yeah and then they saw this new thing and i was like, I've been to a wedding. I've been to yours. Sorry, I fucked that joke. I was going to say, I've just been to a funeral. You, you poofed yours, but I blew it straight away. Couldn't be, they're wedding.

No. Okay, it's not allowed here. I know. I went to their engagement last year because obviously they're gay, they're not allowed to get married in this fucking country but they had a great fucking they'll do anything

to get a ring on a finger no well yeah they did they had their I think it was like I don't know what the name was something gay like promise rings

or something the wedding was great though trust me that's the thing I think Australia's really missing out I might have touched on this last time

but you were missing out on gay weddings like I've only been at one and it wasn't even like a gay wedding it was just a gay engagement an engagement all weddings are gay oh but this one was great no but like seriously like there was like just the most cheese i've ever seen in my entire life and it's all been

like they tested they tested it for weeks beforehand there was all the different types of yeah getting high on their own supply none tasted it yeah oh they tested it like they run it through a lab no like I mean like before the wedding they didn't just like they didn't do what we do and just go down fucking Tesco

and chuck all the ones that look impressive in like they'd gone to like all the different cheeseries which I think that's the thing yeah cheeseries cheesery

cheese yards fromagerie ah it sounds legit yeah you've confidently put shit in there it sounds pure legit down at the fromagerie of course yeah no they tested it it was great the music was great Oh, it sounds legit. Yeah, you've confidently put shit in there. It sounds pure legit.

Down at the fromagerie? Yeah, no, they tasted it all. It was great. The music was great. Did they dance on rats? What? The rats are like, this is delicious.

They went dancing. They tasted the dancing on rats. They're just in a lab throwing shapes. See how the rats react it's whiskers twitching loves it why do we test everything on rats

I don't know because rats we like it yeah because I find that I don't know what wouldn't you

test on rats comedy jokes in fact here's an actual interesting stat for you So they were trying to find out About the history of laughter Like why we laugh, like why is it a thing And rats laugh

If you put a rat on its back and you tickle it It'll make sort of noises Which are basically the rat laughing So they've worked out that apparently The base level of laughter is It's a safe violation. Normally if a rat's on its back and it's getting its thing attacked, it's going to die. But the reason it's laughing is because it knows it's not in danger, but this is still a vulnerable position.

So it's a secure violation, apparently, is where laughter... So why do I laugh at tickles? Because they don't make me feel safe. I hate being tickled. I still feel vulnerable when I'm tickled. You know how people are like, I don't like me feel safe I hate being tickled I still feel vulnerable when I'm tickled like you know people are like I don't like being tickled I'm like I have punched people

like in the fucking head for tickling I can't handle it I had a scary nightmare and this is I say scary nightmare a pathetic nightmare the other day

a nightmare about being tickled or worse way dumber right I had a horrible dream before like the wedding me and all the guys when we were in Byron Bay and it was that I was just on the stag do and everyone just kept lifting up my shirt I had a horrible dream before like the wedding me and all the guys

when we were in Byron Bay and it was that I was just on the stag do and everyone just kept lifting up my shirt and like putting their finger on my belly button have you ever had someone else

put their finger on your belly button nah it's one of the most violating feelings in the world look lift your shirt I know

this is why I wear a shirt I don't do a button why are you doing this it feels horrible doesn't it? Yeah It's Having your belly button Fingered by someone else

Is a really horrible Horrible feeling Yeah I wish I hadn't done that Like do you know if you're It feels so gross I was like actually Looking around for help Or even just someone else

To be in the room Honestly It's just us I think it's It's because this is recorded As a podcast listener It doesn't mean that We're not alone

With you put your finger in my belly button but hold on podcast listeners any of you cunts fucking snitch don't say anything but yeah so there was my because I've always hated that

someone did it to me once when I was young and I was just like that is the most feeling and then I had a nightmare about it and then I stupidly

told everyone about it so obviously for the whole wedding but I've lost my sense of humour with it like you see if someone kept doing that to you like as a joke

and being like oh you like it you'd be like oh it's a proper violation I just think you wanted to touch my sick abs I mean you do look sick you expect me belly button to be deep I would have just hit rock

came in with a wedding ring on and that's how I proposed get weddings all better ooh look it's some cheese oh no it's not um but god used to have a bit of pork in his belly button a what look it looked like a bit of pork like a little bit of like roast beef what do you call it what do you call the tinned beef roast beef corned beef corned beef all right i mean but i had corned beef in his belly button why it was like i don't know like a skin growth or a wart or something.

But like for all of his childhood, he just had this bit of corned beef in his belly button. I used to fucking mock him for it and he was dead insecure. Corned beef button. Pork belly button. Pork belly. Side of health care. It would stop you tickling them though, wouldn't it? Like you got gotta tickle them

and you're like oh a little bit of corned beef like because his belly button had a clit I mean you've been looking at some weird vaginas I have

and you've been looking at the same one for four years so who's really winning it's not corned beef if it is it's halal roast beef have you had a health scare oh sorry Natalie yeah so I had a health scare?

oh sorry Natalie yeah so I had a health scare the other day right so obviously you've been going to the gym and eating healthy like a little nerd

yeah like legend and I've been going out drinking for the past year right and I can feel myself dying but I know that once I get back from this trip

I'm going to go back like healthy and whatnot but the other day I wake up like really hungover I can barely, I'm going to go back healthy and whatnot. But the other day, I wake up really hungover. I can barely eat. I managed to get a bit of cornflakes down me. A crunchy nap. But I'm not feeling great.

And then I go out, and I've got to do a gig. Oh, yeah, I had to wake up very early to do radio. So I go to 8 a.m. radio. Go do it. It's fine. The radio is lovely As it always is There's shit

Dress eye up Wear my bow tie Polish your shoes And then I come back I'm just like I've got And I think it's just like Hangover

I'm just like I'm always sore in my belly When I'm hungover Just feeling a bit ill And I'm like Oh this is going to be Like a pretty Horrendous shit

And I'm just making up Like I'm doing that little like you know when you need to pee you can sort of jump from toe to toe yeah don't do that if you do shit because you're setting your butt cheeks apart like yeah we ought to do make room i just want to clench as much as you can so i'm just sort of standing in the elevator clenching and i run through nobody's in the house i'm like this perfect i can tell you shit and i can just like you it's like a shotgun blast You know when Like the first one Just goes

And you can just hear Like the porcelain Have an echo From the inside It's been opened Yeah There's been a cork in Yeah

To put out the cork Yeah like the last Of the ketchup bottle Type situation When you're just Slapping the side of it Right When you're slapping your ass

Covered Like a ketchup bottle Taking your slap I choke myself on a shit too You like that don't you So I'm just doing this Absolutely horrendous Horrendous

Shit I'm like Oh that doesn't feel Healthy I'm definitely going to have a look To see how unhealthy this looks And I stand up And on the back of the seat Is like

This spray Like you know What Basically what Kurt Cobain's garage wall looked like. Like that level of coverage and like brain matter. But the water, there's a spoon in the water, but the water is white. Like milk white?

Milk white. And you're not like wiped and the toilet roll was on the top? That was my first thought, right? Like, but for it to dissolve. Yeah. Like it's not, I'm not. had you not like wiped and the toilet roll was on the top that's my first thought right like but dissolve yeah like it's not I'm not fucking

shitting acid it can't dissolve there's no toilet paper in there like you haven't wiped yet you're checking before you wipe

so I'm like but the thing is it's like the poo's not white and the water's not like mixed with brown it's white like it's I haven't seen a white poo in decades no no but this is liquid white like the water's not like mixed with brown. It's white. Like it's... I haven't seen a white poo in decades.

No, no, but this is liquid white. Like the water is a creamy... Not a dry, ashy white. No, no, like a very thick. And I'm like, that is definitely not a good fucking sign. You're shitting cream. I'm shitting cream, aye?

Shitting cream with shitting cream. So I Google it immediately, right? And I'm like, oh God. And I'm always hate cream, aye? Shitting cream with shitting cream. So I Google it immediately, right? And I'm like, oh God. And I always hate when you have to Google like an illness you have online because obviously you're going to die. That's all Google says. Do you know what's worse than that?

No results, right? No one's ever had it on the internet. I type in milky white shit and the first couple of results are my baby has white diarrhea. So it's only babies i'm like well i've not been on a diet of breast milk baby food like but there's nothing they're just like white poo whatever and the only thing i can find is like half the spot

just had a massive plug up my ass i'm shitting zits so I'm going to the only thing that comes up is like we've got a poo colour chart and they're like

if it's white it's stomach bile basically your stomach is not it's spewing you know but worse like not even

just your stomach's not breaking things down and I'm like what like that's a they're like go's Not breaking things And I'm like What Like that's a They're like Go to the doctor Immediately

So I'm just sitting here Worrying But then I'm like But the poo was so Solid And I'm so nervous Jean comes back And she's like

Are you okay And I'm like Yeah no And I'm a bit quiet Which she just assumed I was watching TV or something Or I was high But see

I'm just having An existential crisis Well I'm not Columbo Right That's it I'm not Columbo. Right. That's it. I'm not Columbo, but you did say that you'd seen Rhys in the morning waking up,

and now you're shitting white stuff out your ass. I didn't say I'd seen Rhys in the morning. You did say he was like a, well, he's got his hair and his makeup on. Oh, yeah, not that morning. He gets up in the morning. That was another thing. So obviously when I told Stine Raskopoulos that thing,

he was like, obviously made the joke. It's jizz. It's jizz, of course it is. But I'm talking to Stine about it. it i'm like i don't want to tell jean because i don't want to freak her out and have her googling like i can handle my own death but she'll be a about it i should maybe do stuff go get checked like this and for ages and ages i'm like i'm just desperately waiting for my next shit, right? Like, the test. Like, if this is the same, I've got to go to the doctors. So I'm eating with Stine, and I'm just, I've not pooped all day since then,

I want to make sure it's fine. And I go to the toilet, right? And I just have it again, and it just, it feels the same. Like, it splatters, that thing. Magnolia again. Yeah, I turn up, stand around, right? And it's just barbaric diarrhea, right, and alone in a cubicle in Haiti Little Sisters, I went

woo! Celebrating your diarrhea. Celebrating my diarrhea, which nobody should celebrate, I'm still very unhealthy, but for ages I'm just like, what the fuck? How was it? Because it might come back, but it's not been there since. And it was only

yesterday morning that I was telling someone else been there since and it was only yesterday morning that I was telling someone else's story and it was only when I told the story again in the morning when I'd woken up and I'd had cornflakes

I didn't finish them so I just poured the milk down the fucking toilet yeah to flush them down the toilet because that's the trick if anyone doesn't know this if you've got a bowl

with cereal in and you've got some Weetabix it doesn't go in the sink because it's got cereal in it doesn't go in the bin because you've got milk in flush it flush it down the toilet I've done's got cereal in it doesn't go in the bin because it's got milk in flush it

flush it down the toilet I've done that for two days you hadn't flushed it no no no it was just that morning so I'd gone

out I'd eaten my cereal I'd poured it down the toilet after I was done because I didn't want to finish it and then you had a

shit that sunk and then I had a shit that sunk but was also splattered on the fucking so your confusion was the white not the fact there

was cornflakes in it no I thought it was normal there there was cornflakes in it? No I thought it was normal There's always cornflakes in it but it's always floating in brown No I think it was just the milk I'd poured no there must have been some bits

maybe I was just yeah but I'm not dying Phew Good news for everyone God this podcast would be a bit one sided a bit more normal anyway

Speaking of bodily functions. Yeah? Did you, someone have a... Oh, yeah. I haven't told you this. I said I was going to tell you the podcast. So, you know, I've been going to the library.

Yeah, like a little, just to get beaten up. It's because he has to go to the library because if he comes out during playtime, me and all the cool kids give him wedgies. He's just got to go in there and be safe all day playing board games with himself I wrote a script and emailed it to you

and you haven't even replied yet TV so I was in the library writing that script and then I went to the toilet and I was an older dude

late 40s 50 maybe just having a school boy piss trousers down ankles trousers down boxers down like about to his knee

just there shit tail hanging out just having was he like lifting up his front front shirt like this as well yeah just stretched right

over his chin I just couldn't couldn't get my head around it you could get your hand around it though well I could give him a reach around I didn't know

what he was playing at I didn't know his game because like if I'd done that It would be like A hidden camera show Of just making me mates laugh Sometimes I'd get mischievous To a point where I'd do a schoolboy

But this guy was doing a legit Earnest genuine schoolboy Do you reckon the girls ever had Pull their pants down for a wee Obviously All of them Do you think they sit down And just pull a Pull pants down for a wee? Obviously all of them. Do you think they sit down and just pull a knickers to one side? No, I just pull a knickers.

Just pee through the fingers. What are you going to do? I mean, there would be minutes. I would if I could just pull my knickers to one side. Hitch my skirt up knickers to one side and have a piss. All right. Back in. Bub's your uncle.

Why, I bet the day because why wouldn't you no but no no no they're not going to admit it they're not going to publicise it but then again I guess they could

like why don't we do the same when we go I do I just pull a fucking bollock out piss the rest of your pants pull me cock pull me cock out the other side take a gamble

50% of the time the floor gets wet I break my dick through Put me cock out the other side. Take a gamble. 50% of the time the floor gets me. I break my dick through the hole in the boxers and then ball out either side. Do you undo the button? Hmm? Alright, you put a ball out inside. Looks like Dumbo. Oh, it does look like Dumbo.

We should be on Puppeteer with a Penis. I was going to say I haven't seen them, but I have. I joined in with them. Did you? Yeah. Puppete of the Penis I was going to say I haven't seen them but I have I joined in with them did you? yeah Puppetry of the Penis yeah the stage show where men go on stage

to get their knobs out and move them into shapes to make them look like certain things I mainly and we've not got up on stage in the middle of Vegas who's yours? the early bird

yeah Yeah I guess it was Mine was the acorn Is it going to grow into a tree? Probably not It's always autumn Always autumn colours Red leaves

Yeah it was that Naked cabaret Nude cabaret I went to a show That was It was in 2014 Here in Melbourne I went to a show

That was all nude Audience and acts Like a bunch of comedians Danny McGinley got up that time I met Danny McGinley saw him naked before I'd met him what's his dick like? nice guy

shook me hand soft handshake though I mean his first his first but he re-hyzed he firmed up his handshake and then he reared his ugly head tight grip actually Sparrows

Sparrows friends shaking hands one minute then Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz

Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz

Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz

Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz Spitz one minute and then he spits at us but I was like

you can get your slolly or cereal I do think a lot of the time this podcast just turns into us laughing it's a solid 15 minutes of each podcast it's just us laughing

at our own jokes yeah you can edit out the jokes and just have like a good 15 minutes of each podcast. It's just us laughing at our own jokes. Yeah, you could edit out the jokes and just have a good 40 minutes of laughing. Normally, I think the way good podcasts work is when one of them says something funny, the other person tags it, whereas we just laugh. Nothing to add here.

Ellie Biddon cutting the whale. Might also be the weed. I went to this naked cabaret show. So it was crazy how they got the people naked. Made with fucking force. So we all go into the audience. I wasn't performing on it. But then they made a race to get naked.

So it was a girl that was naked on the stage was reading out quotes from Luthor Chalick from Ernest Hemingway about nudity. And then she said someingway about nudity and then she said some profound speech about nudity and then says

everybody must have their clothes off after three and started counting three so it wasn't like after three get your clothes off

because you go one two three and then everyone would go so you're racing each other so everyone's naked after three

seconds are you not worried about erections I probably won't give anyone one naked after three seconds. You don't worry about erections? Aye, but I probably won't give anyone one. I just meant if there was one near you.

No, you know what? I was a little bit because I was naked women in there. You might just your fucking cock might not get the memo. It might just be like

oh seriously this is happening. You're like no, no, not today. Well I mean it looks like it's happening That's what it normally looks like Loads of men and women All of us facing one way

A bucket speech So So I thought I would But then it just It was the same as when I went to get my Back sack and crack wax You thought you'd get an erection during that? Well, just human contact

How lonely are you fucking nine weeks lonely nine weeks lonely just randomly just like you can't walk down a busy street in case someone

brushes into you and you get an erection take out a kid's eye I hadn't been touched in a long time and all of a sudden this woman's gonna be like slapping me cock over

and ripping a fucking jug suit of it what if that's what I'm into is that what Natalie normally does you know oh because that's true because I don't ever see Natalie's like

exterior grooming of you like obviously you used to be a fucking fat chap when I met you and you know she's made you you know

change your hair what is this shit shirt that you wore on this but then again I guess maybe God knows how much you've changed your cock

God knows what other new tattoos you've got she wouldn't trim it I actually I was not sure if she'd do me toenails or my fingernails

she wouldn't have anything to do with it really nah I think that's why do you want your toenails done I just need someone

else doing it just her biting them instead of you biting them going on like a corn in the cob she puts it underneath the pillow and gets a pwn

but it's just you pouting her a day or two with two nails so now I was like I was like well if I start getting hard on I'll just go on

I'll just have a wank I'm not going to half-arse it what do you mean hard on this is normal if you want to see what it getting hard on it, I'll just go on. I'll just have a wank. I'm not going to half-arse it. What do you mean hard on? This is normal. If you want to see what it's hard on. So, but no, nothing like that happened.

What was the point I was trying to make? I don't know. I was just, I was asking you questions about like, so the people were doing comedy naked? Yeah, yeah. Oh,

and then put your penis on. So they were on, and they obviously date normally it's not like they normally just do with their fucking boxers on everyone's just

going imagine it's good just a dude scratching his balls and this one's called the Orion's Belt oh probably guess so

so yeah maybe cock into a burger all bun seeded batch I've got a plucky bum hole So yeah, maybe cock into a burger. All bun. Seated butch. I've got a plucky bum hole, you've got plucky balls. Slice of cheese. Pluck, you keep saying pluck instead of spot.

Pluck. Do you know how to call spots plucks? Do you know how to call anything plucks? Oh, Scottish people absolutely. Plucks. Got a wee pluck? Aye. Nah.

Absolutely. What do you call them? Plucks. Spots. Oh, no, plucks nah absolutely what do you call them plucks spots oh no plucks definitely correct spot

spot you can be more than one word for a thing and a pock is like when it's a pock hole isn't it a pock well like you've

picked a spot and you get a scab and you know some people got acne scarring on their face oh yeah there's pock holes

aren't there nah not to me what do you call them critters critters yeah no Oh yeah They're like pock holes aren't they No not to me What do you call them Craters Craters Yeah please No Right I know

Two seconds We've got to go Wake Jean up And I need my music And then we'll come back And play Muggle Corner Okay

Right we're back Did you just wake Jean up And she didn't wake up And you just come back Yeah You know if someone doesn't wake up And you try to wake them up you should get scared

and be like, Jean? Jean? Jean? She set an alarm. She's not working a bit. Right, so we're going to

Muggle Corner. Yes. Here's one that's a bit, it's arguably related to today but I just thought I'd bring it up. Muggles watch cricket. Yeah, and it's related to today because we've done a cricket based show that isn't about cricket

there's a thing called the comedy ashes which is basically there's three Aussie comedians and three non-Aussie comedians English comedians, British comedians it was me, Scottish, you English it's Andrew Stanley, Irish so yeah we cheated

and you've got to go on and they Irish. So, yeah, we cheated. And you've got to go on and they sort of measure your laughs, how big the laughs are and gives you a point based on them and those are runs and things. So it's cricket based. Yeah, they have a decibelometer. Yeah, and it was a very, very good gig. First time I've done it, I really, really fucking enjoyed it. But, God, cricket's for fucking muggles, isn't it?

Yeah. I think it's one of the lowest forms of sport. And by the way, to any cricket fans out there, I absolutely do know the rules. I've been to a game. There's a little game on the iPhone, which is like a cricket game. I played that for a bit.

I was like, maybe this will get me into cricket because that's how I got into other sports. But nah. Yeah, so the gig, even though it's based on cricket and the points and the ashes and Australia versus England and all the elements of the cricket it doesn't have to be about cricket like none of your material is about cricket

none of the jokes however because it's strongly cricket themed they've got the cricket music on and they've got their hosts McNevin and Dan Willis have got their shirts on and it just reeks of muggle everything that's about cricket

about that show is Muggle-y. It's fun. I reckon cricket is very fun to play. Like I've played it once before only for like an hour or two I don't know how long it lasts but it was good fun. This is not Muggles play cricket.

This is Muggles watch it. It lasts for five fucking days. Like... What do you bear in witness to? People just say you just sit there you get drunk during the day do it at the pub. Yeah. in days like nah what are you bearing witness to people just oh yeah but you just sit there you get drunk during the day do it at the pub

yeah like just do it without the cricket like you're attributing everything you enjoy about cricket to alcohol everything you enjoy about alcohol to cricket

you just sit in the sun with your friends and you get drunk right good I'm with you and watch cricket nah lost me nah yeah

you can take that little element out of it and just have a great time. It's still the exact same thing. I don't know how I'd give it much of a chance, but I just think everything about it reeks of mugglery. But also middle class mugglery. The attire, the

banter, the gentle ribbon of the other team. I think it's also the fact that it's a game that you can't really... It's the same reason I'm not into American football. The great thing about normal football is that anyone can play it at any time, in any way. You can play it on the streets or whatever, and arguably you could do the same... American football?

No, but that's what I'm saying. American football, you can't. So that's why you can't. With American football, with normal football, you can. But American football, you can't do that type of fucking thing I just feel cricket's a bit same like you can't really just play

you need a fucking umpire like you can't really play without an umpire fielders all this sort of stuff you can't just bash a game together yeah even touch American football

you can't really but this isn't the only thing I've enjoyed playing cricket is if you do it with football yeah the only thing I've liked like why don touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket

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I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket I play touch cricket Cricket just seems excessive and I just can't stand it. And also most people who I like, sorry, most people who I know who like cricket are muggles, so maybe I'm just attributing it via that. You think so? Yeah.

We know a couple of people who aren't into cricket. We know Jimmy McGee and Gordon Suffern who aren't muggles. Yeah. So what are they doing? Are they just being muggle tourists? They're muggle tourists. They're just engaging in something muggly. Yeah, which is

fully allowed as we well know. But I think, I know if we had a Jamie and maybe we will have him on the podcast, we can

get him to defend cricket, but he'll fucking lose. Yeah. Because I'll fucking deck him. Yeah, I think

it is muggly. Good, straight in. I might have a bit of a bias there. People might disagree.

Yeah, if they disagree, they can start their own fucking podcast. Yes, they can. You might disagree with this if they disagree they can start their own fucking podcast yes they can you might disagree with this

but only in defence of yourself muggles like arcades arcades are fucking another muggle mecca I love arcades like just like look at Blackpool

Blackpool is like a fucking muggle magnet in the arcades at the crux of it I do love arcades I put my fucking two pence on and watch the two pence move and move another two pence and get the two pence I don't play those arcade games Muggle Magnet in the arcades at the crux of it I do love arcades I like fucking two pence on

watch the two pence move and move another two pence and get the two pence I don't play those arcade machines I play the ones that take real skill like the crane machine

you fucking love the crane machine I love the crane machine is that just a roll of the dice as well is that just if it decides that it's the time

that it can yeah so basically my friend Jordan Morris back in high school his dad and his wife's family own all the arcades on the coast of Fife

so we just used to spend every night after school just in the arcades and stuff and he showed me the bit on the thing, so when you open up the bit that's locked there's a dial thing and it's just set to numbers but that number represents on what

drop or pick up it'll do the harder grip so you can watch them and stalk them you can watch someone pick 5 goes and a few goes on 7 yeah but it's never it's always I've never done that I just would ask Morris which one it was and he'd tell me and then I'd do it

yeah I went into it because I hadn't been in an arcade in quite a while I went into Petong we went past one and I just got gravitated into because I hadn't been in an arcade in quite a while and I went into Petong we went past one and I just got gravitated in because I thought like it's been so long

since I've been in an arcade I bet the games are amazing now you know since the introduction of VR technology I was thinking if this is like a surely there's got to be

a top end arcade where you go oh wow like you're seeing the ground breaking technology but everything's just like old games yeah it should be a bit more like you expect it to be a bit but everything's just like old games yeah it should be

a bit more like you expect it to be a bit more like a theme park where it's like the difference between Disney and what not and Disney and like

fucking MD's MND's in Glasgow or Alton Towers I guess Alton Towers is actually decent Alton Towers is pretty decent but compared to Universal compared to Universal

it's nothing yeah is there an arcade in the world like in a city in the world Somewhere Cause I'd love to go If there is like

Say if you're in Fucking Japan or something Japan I reckon You could go in Cause I wanna Probably somewhere in America as well I wanna go in And get my mind blown

And play fucking Lotus Turbo Challenge From the 90s What was Lotus Turbo Challenge It's just a fucking 90s car game That was pretty cool So you type in

You type in a password To get onto the level. So like if you unlock the level, instead of having a save disk, you know, a password. Yeah. So like the foggy level was P-Soup was the password. You type in P-Soup and unlock the password.

I miss cheats in games. Yeah. Like I remember the good old days of fucking like Grand Theft Auto where you could just up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right. A, B, A, all weapons and stuff. Like in Quick you used to get like God mode I like the cheats that you've got it in

like there was one on Metal Gear Solid where if you complete it you get an invisibility cloak so it's like playing it with a cheat the next time if you complete it you get a bandana that gives you an unlimited animal animal? animal? you can just shout to your mam

when you're playing shout out mam then if you're playing shut up mam then if you complete again you get the invisibility I like that when you earn the cheat I like the password password to get out of the pea soup level burnt it, got there first I used to do, me and my friends on the Dreamcast

had Tony Hawk skateboarding it was one of the games and it was a great one and we were going through all the levels and trying to get all the. It was one of the games, and it was a great one. And we were going through all the levels and trying to get all the stuff. That was back in the good old days, that to get extra levels, you had to earn them as opposed to pay for them. You couldn't get up to the next.

You couldn't unlock the next skate park unless you'd unlocked this. And now you have to pay like three quid for the new maps. Yeah, but the thing is, two levels before the end, we played this for days. My dad was like, you know there's a cheat where you can just unlock all the maps?

And I was like, great, yeah, awesome. Did it. And I just got really upset that I did because we were two levels away from completing it. Yeah, you nearly did it.

Just completely and utterly robbed ourselves of the experience. Yeah, I never used cheats until I'd actually done it. Oh, that's the day I fucking learned. That's why I like them, like I say,

when it's a reward at the end. Yeah. You have to give you the cheat after you've done it. Otherwise, you're just like, the whole game's pointless. I'm inclined to agree with you on the muggle thing, because, like, my defense of it is...

You could see the lotteries like that in real life, sorry. You could put the lottery on, right, if you win all that money. Is that like using cheats? Yeah, I guess. Because you haven't earned that money. No, but then again... Like, your life doesn't... Like, you haven't got the value of the money yet.

That would only be if you like guessed a cheat randomly yeah yeah that's exactly what it is isn't it you've stumbled upon a cheat yeah I like arcades

just because it's always been through my like childhood like because when you're a kid they're great because that was also before like when I was playing

in arcades and stuff that was just as like the PlayStation 1 was out so like there was actual shoot-em-ups which you couldn't get anywhere else like there was actual shoot-em-ups, which you couldn't get anywhere else. Like there was,

it's the only place I could play a lot of games. And then also I used to, I'd see those things where you had to collect tickets. I used to love that shit. I used to go down to fucking, fucking Haven. You save up like a fucking million tickets and you can buy one of them foam airplanes where you push the wings through the fuselage

with a plastic button on the end. Do you know what? You spend about fucking eight grand. I was at a Butlins for like three days, right? And I spent like at least 20 quid of my own money. Like I was about nine or something, nine or 10. And I spent all this money like getting all these notes and stuff,

these tokens and stuff. At the end, I traded it in for for a watch but it was obviously a cheap watch but for a watch I'm a scrawny small person I was way worse before I hit puberty I was a fucking tiny little kid so the watch could only fit around my ankle

You were wearing an ankle You were wearing an ankle You were wearing an ankle watch on the fucking Plinkers Just What are you going to plooks Plooks sounds like a fucking

Game that you play in the arcade You know the plooks I want to watch on the plooks Every time I Tied my shoelace I checked the time I only did it for like Two days before my mum was like

right stop that you fucking bull you put your ankle up your feet can't set your alarm for the morning oh I'm fucking dead I had a bracelet

on my ankle but it wasn't a watch it was just a kefew I reckon I should fight this I wouldn't fight this corner a bit more, I mean I know I'll lose but I'll they can be fun like we went to one last year in Melbourne

like a bunch of comics went because there was like Laser Quest upstairs right and we did that but we were at the arcade before waiting for everyone just playing the games

you can have all the racing games together like it's which is good when you're travelling I think arcades are good for that because if you don't

have a games console with you but you still enjoy gaming and you want to get that fucking you know effects unless someone's got

at home's got a massive TV a PlayStation 4 and 4 controllers you can't really do 4 player racing games in the same way that you can't do like 8 player fucking racing games and you know you know you can't do shoot em ups you can't do time crisis and all this stuff but then also like

me and Nick spent and I'm not kidding $50 between us just on the punching machine no just on the because Cody loves the punching machine

right and I'm like Cody's way bigger than me but I'm like fuck it I love a bit of fucking friendly competition you're a concerned

other fighter well I know but when I kissed it I blew the socks off I got thousands that'll charge you 50 quid you only had one go I kissed it Then he charged you 50 quid

You only had one go I kissed him and he started giving money back I was like oh there we go Explosive lips So Cody does one And he gets like 9.20 And then I throw and I get to like 897 and I'm like genuinely never thought I'd get that close to Cody's score

so he's waiting for someone and I just keep throwing it and I'm doing, I'm practicing all the techniques I've been taught by different people like you know, Cody's like you know, swing from your hips, swing through it I always remember my dad says it's all about momentum and when I was practicing year one I took my watch off and headbutted it

Get your watch off your anklebutted it I kicked it I tipped the machine over, put the bouncy bit on the curb and just curb stomped it The machine's there going, what, kissing Elliot? Getting mixed signals This is worse than Danny McLintley when he shook my hand and it's flat on my face This is worse than This is worse than Danny McLintley When he shook my hand In the spot But then I finally

So just one punch I managed to get up to like Nine Nine three seven And obviously Cody's Was just like There's absolutely no way I'm being beaten

By you And Yeah we just kept back and forth I think I beat him twice more but obviously we didn't leave He tells the story differently

No no he eventually won I'll give him that So that's the problem with it right so you go in I do love a good gun game and I know I haven't got gun games in the house

so there's somewhere you'd go to play a gun game right but they're not very good they're like there'll be like a ton of zombies and then there'll just be a scratch across the screen and you're like, you get, they'll be like a ton of zombies

and then there'll just be a scratch across the screen and you're like, well, I don't even know how I died. Yeah. Like, you don't,

and then you have to put another quid in and you've spent about nine quid and you've played for about six minutes and you're like, you've just got this constant feeling that you're being ripped off. Oh, you definitely are.

Because you can't have a perfect game on it and hog it for 20 minutes. Yeah, pissing other people off. Yeah. No, but then again, I just reckon we don't have that experience. Like, you know, I watch minutes. Yeah pissing other people off. I just reckon we

don't have that experience. You know I watch the YouTube videos of like other people like the Dance Dance Revolution which

is for fucking muggles by the way. Like those people like when they're great at Dance Dance Revolution they put in like a

quid and they're fucking there for 45 minutes. Are they? Aye. I thought like it just kills you off on purpose like

you've got like a minimum go minimum spend. I mean I'm I'm just a sore loser I want to fight this Because like And I know there are people I

I should just put myself I feel I should just put myself in the corner Because I do understand the muggliness of it If it wasn't for muggles It wouldn't be a thing Yeah Yeah But I get to enjoy it

It requires muggles to fund it Yeah Yeah Every now and again A non-muggle will float in Enjoyed a bit But feel a It requires muggles to fund it. Yeah, yeah. Every now and again, a non-muggle will float in, enjoy it a bit, but feel a little bit muggly. Yeah. In that case, I'll put it in a bit. However...

Especially recently, I reckon back in the day before, they used to be a bit better, just because... This is... I'm going to tell you something I want to do before we leave Melbourne. I'd walked past on the way to the library. This is super muggly, but also ultra nerdy to go on top of board games. I walked past this fucking gaff where i had like big monitors and people playing online games but like the games were like rpg type games now i've never played any online rpgs

i've loved rpgs i've always loved going on like fucking junk food online like call of duty or fifa you know you can just plow it out but I'd love to just like dip my toe in the water with an online geek game World of Warcraft I can never play another online RPG again

so you wouldn't go into one of them shops and like get a booth for three hours and play an online game I mean I will but like World of Warcraft

stole so much of my life from me like it was probably had you gotten to like World of Warcraft at the same time well I had champ manager

the old football manager that wasn't online though that wasn't online but that swallowed my world that's like like it was probably had you gotten to like World of Warcraft at the same time well I had champ manager the old football manager that wasn't online though that wasn't online but that swallowed my world that's like a lot of hours lost I loved World of Warcraft

so god damn much I played it every day like I lost I think to calculate it up I lost because if you

in World of Warcraft there's a horrible option where if you type slash forward slash played it tells you how many hours you've played as this character combined

and I had like five different characters and the highest one was about 17 days and that's one of the five characters. Back to back hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh shit.

So you wouldn't want to come into one of these gaffes because that's why when I was saying you walk by and you see a bunch of games from fucking 10 years ago but when I walked past that place I was like oh these are bunch of games from fucking 10 years ago. When I walked past that place, I was like,

oh, these are cutting edge games from now that they're playing in there. I mean, I'll happily come in and give it a go. But if we do do that, you have to go stand in Michael Corner. If this is going to Michael Corner. Okay, yeah. I'm saying it's got to be across the board. However, Siobhan, if there's been a good arcade that's cutting edge... Oh, please let us know.

Like if there's any great ones in Melbourne, if you think we're wrong let us know where the best ones are you clearly haven't been to this arcade this one yeah and then maybe

in the future we'll take it back and be like you know what that is actually a decent one I think I might just be going off

Fast Eddies and Whitley Bay yeah probably by the sounds of things fine Spanish City I think we've only got time for one more each

so yeah I'll go for Muggles refuse to split bills Yeah I can't I understand if you've just had a If you've just had a drink when everyone's eaten

If your friends aren't covering your one drink They're a dick Yeah they're a dick if they don't clock it Yeah that's fair But like see My dignity's not worth the six quid I'll save I can't stand

like unless you're like if I look and see you've had a steak but I've had a schnitzel and then I'm like and then I'll add me coffee to that

and I'm like still about six pound ahead of us dignity's not worth six pound I'll also split the bill I don't mind paying

two pound for your steak because I find what happens to me is I tend to do the opposite the second someone goes oh I got this and I only got that I'm like right

I'll pay for it all I'm already bored of this conversation that I'll just fucking take the hit like it's I understand why people do it like if

this is obviously coming from a very privileged position of someone that has money in that sense but then in that same sense I will also notice like I buy a lot of meals

for people just in the sense I'm also notice like I buy a lot of meals for people just in the sense I'm like you know I can go ahead with this like if your friends aren't you know if they're

the ones making you split a bill when it's clearly unfair like you just have cunny friends and that makes you a mongrel because your friends are cunts yeah I seriously

don't mind chipping in a couple of quid for my mates meal if that's what it comes to yeah if you look at it like that oh but I paid more than he did and he got more, I'm like, ah you bought

some of his dinner, feel good about it. Yeah, you did something nice for your friend, or just go buy me drinks later on, that's what I always do. Oh but you only got this lost, I will just get me two drinks later on. Pay it forward. There's also that if you're on a table where it's a split bill

if someone starts pushing the boat out of food, you're not going to where it's a split bill, if someone starts pushing the boat over food, you're not going to hang back and keep the bill low. You're like, that's it, that's it. Everything and chips, please. Yeah, the second someone else orders steak, I'm like, well, I guess I'm on steak too. I just always try and outdo them and be like, I'll have two steaks and a bottle

of wine but just put it in the sink please and say I won for ogb old girly bastard old granny bitchy um yeah I think this is in fact now that I've said this one out loud I think this is just coming from a really shitty privileged position yeah I think this is yeah in fact, now that I've said this one out loud, I think this is just coming from a really shitty privileged position. Yeah, I think it does suck. I've been in a position before where I've been fucking down on my dollar and I've been in a split bill situation thinking I can't afford this really. And I have been as well where someone's bought us a drink in a round and I'm like, no, I'm in a round, I can't really afford.

I've been there, but you just suck it up. I say no to the meal you know why you don't have to be there nah I think I think I'm gonna have to veto your own

veto my own muggle corner because yeah I think I don't know because the split bill is so fucking pedantic as well

it is pedantry and pedantry is my look I see what you're saying there if someone just fucking starts ordering everything and you're stuck splitting a bill on like all the wine

and you kind of got hoodwinked into it yeah but then also like maybe they're saving up for something I remember like when Jean was saving up to go to Bali and stuff

like she'd like set aside like a certain amount of money that she'd spend every day on food you probably shouldn't find yourself in a restaurant

with six people yeah but what if I drag her out you know what I'm like yeah yeah so I think it's a tricky one but

nobody likes doing it even if you're in a situation where you have to do it you feel muggly yeah I think if right I think we should be muggles refuse to split bills

when everyone's had the same amount like I think that's when it comes well it's just when it's pedantic if you like i think that's what i want well it's really it's just when it's pedantic yeah looking at like oh well i had water and he had a drink but the meals come to about the same yeah and you're trying to like get the split of a drink all on that person's side i reckon you should have just had a drink yeah um so i'm gonna i'm gonna

veto it so it's not in the corner well i'll put it in with i'll put it in with that stipulation i've been i've been i would be in the corner for this and i'm saying it not in the corner well I'll put it in I'll put it in with that stipulation I've been I would be in the corner for this and I'm saying it is in the corner alright okay but like I said I've been in

but only because I've been in yeah yeah waiting for payday you get paid on like the 28th of each month and you're like

you're coming out on the proviso that you're just going to have a burger yeah I think it's a specific type of person that does it but like are we all going to split and you're just like we the proviso that you're just going to have a burger yeah I think it's a specific type of person that does it

but like are we all going to split and you're just like we've all had two meals let's just say just be honest

I'm fucking broke I'm just going to pay for my meal I'm skinned split the bill after I'm just going to go over to the till now

pay my meal you guys split that shit and then just do a runner and fuck them teach them for being smart rich cunts I think we should be ashamed

when we're low on cash what's your final one especially if you're a mate my final one right I'm going to use this one the other one

I think is more muggly I've got two one I think would just go straight in the muggle corner but it wouldn't have much discussion oh well just do it then and we'll put it in

nah this one because it's fresh in my mind and because it's current people who use the hostel common rooms I don't know if you've seen this right but so we can be

right in the city centre our gigs in a hotel like in a hostel but we've got our own rooms but it's either that or being in an Airbnb

out of town right so we're fucking just like fucking just put in the venue we're right close to home but because of that we'll live in a hostel with a lot of people so you've got your own room but there's a bunch of like dormitories with like six rooms in or whatever and then people have got individuals but there's a little common room where it's got a tv

and videos and i have to walk through to get the kitchen which i'm using quite often right but there's always the same cunts in the common room and this is the basement of a hostel they've come to australia on the other side of the planet and they, and this is the basement of a hostel. They've come to Australia, they're on the other side of the planet, and they're watching reruns of Friends with a bunch of fucking muggles, and every time I see them, I can just feel the fucking stench of muggle in the air.

I was like, you guys have got nothing to say. Like, I'll not even say hello to them, and I know they're being there to be communal, and to meet the people that pass through on the way to the kitchen. They're like muggle fly net. There is something like muggly just about communal

things like it's like the thing I said up in Nimbim like hey why don't you mingle at this park I'm like if you force mingling like it's people it's shit extroverts like you're not extroverted enough to go

outside there's nothing wrong with being introverted but if you're extroverts like you're not extroverted enough to go outside there's nothing wrong with being introverted but if you're extroverted to that like I'm just out here to meet people do it in a pub do it outside

like where do you have to go to a everything is communal like if you're an extrovert totally I don't know why they're in there like I'm like

there's a bar upstairs with a pool table in an atmosphere you're just sat in this common room watching Friends you could be doing that in your room. You don't need these people. This doesn't need to be communal. You're doing non-communal things

as a community. If they were in there playing cards or whatever, that's fine because that's communal, but you've come here to watch TV. Look at these muggles. But honestly, it's really weird because I'm quite a social person, but when I walk through, I don't want any of them to acknowledge I exist. I'm just like, I'm quite a social person but when I walk through

I don't want any of them to acknowledge I exist I'm just like I'm just going to the kitchen you just fucking muggle in your own time try and drag me in every now and then

again someone will say hello to me how are you doing and I'll look like a miserable cunt because I'm just like oh hi don't want the

random random muggle chat oh man I can't experience it. I've not experienced it because... It's the same few faces every fucking day. To me, every room in a hostel is a common room. Yeah, pretty common.

For common people. I haven't showered in my hostel yet. No? Because they have, like, a communal shower. Wait. No, like, sorry, on a key card. Right, okay. So, like, it's everybody's, everybody's but you know it's not like prison

that's what I thought you meant I'd probably be fucking knee different if it was I'd be like oh is there a gig going on here so you need your card to get through the door and you've got like

your sink and the shower and shit and fucking people will be waiting depending on what time it is but I've just been going to the gym like yoga

just showering in yoga just showering everywhere everywhere I go not a job to drink had a massage the other day got a wash did you? I got showered after that

I used a bathroom to get me from here I can't argue that one it sounds muggly I've never experienced it but yeah I reckon people in the common room are muggles

I can't imagine I honestly can't imagine any five of my being going ooh can I join you imagine I can't Honestly can't imagine Any five of my being going Oh Can I join you I love this I love this episode You guys look fun

Oh tell me about yourself Have you been to Brisbane This time of year Oh it's It's very muggy Alright so my Two ones which Give you

30 seconds Well 30 seconds in the corner Is Muggles Watch Cricket Yes you do So we both 30 seconds, well, 30 seconds on the corner is Muggles watch cricket. Yes, you do. So we both agree on that. But weirdly, you put in the corner Muggles wouldn't split a bill. I agreed with it and then you denied it. Yeah, well, that's what, because the second I, I could just feel the privilege leaking out of my mouth.

And I was just, but I think the Muggles reviews to split bills just comes with a lot of stipulations i think what you said which is just like you know if you are you know at the end of your paycheck yeah if you think you should be paying 10 pound less if you think you should be paying 10 pound less than what you paid you can probably raise an argument if it's if it's a single figure yeah if you're not yeah if you're if you're not splitting a bill for single change like yeah yeah you're like I paid 20 26 and it should have been

22 for mine alright well done saving 4 quid but you've just made a massive muggle of yourself yeah you made it way difficult you made so much math going if you're one of those people

go stand in the corner for 30 seconds but also go stand in the corner for 30 seconds my seconds because I don't want to stand in there split my time

yeah do mine too and your ones were mine were arcades of muggles yeah I always feel like I always feel like

it's something I really would enjoy and it's something I really like the idea of but every time I go in I'm like oh muggle yeah unless you know any good ones

in which case please do tweet us hit us up also tweet us in your muggle corner suggestions because we're running out actually we did get a good one I meant to make a note of but we only did two Also, Tway's in your Muggle Corner suggestions because we're running out. Actually, we did get a good one.

I meant to make a note of, but we only got two. So, yeah, and my other Muggle one was if you fucking spend your time travelling in a common room somewhere. You're a Muggle. You could do that in uni. Guess what? What? Your dad eats plankton.

Your dad practices kissing on his arm In the doctor's waiting room And when people give him a funny look He says what? It's called a practice Your dad has the word please Tattooed on the inside of his bottom lip So whether Your dad has the word please

Tattooed on the inside of his bottom lip so that whenever he pouts he gets what he wants. When your dad's tummy rumbles he thinks it's a message from the other side and he speaks back to it in tongues. Your dad claims he can rip lead queefs. What? Lip read queefs.

Your dad wore dungarees for court, so his client fired him. Your dad vapes his own cum. The doctor told your dad he needs to exercise more, so now he splashes everything with holy water. Dad. Your dad taps blind people On the opposite shoulder and runs away But also their dog So does a bull Your dad still has dial-up internet

And he makes you log out And he's expecting your mum to ring the landline. Your dad is serving a 12-year prison sentence for murdering someone who he claims was throwing gang signs on his turf. The guy was speaking in sign language. Why do you do that to me, mate?

It's dark. You don't have guide dogs for the deaf you can be friends with blind people I mean they can't stay much to each other oh no that's an interesting one there was this family that had a kid that was like both blind and deaf and they were like

how the heck are we ever going to fucking communicate with this kid that's what they did is they invented touchable sign language let the top sign language but just like one hand in the palm it's a documentary I wasn't really I was really fucking interesting like did anyone else know the language of the man just they would had to teach other people the language if they want to talk yeah yeah but so they managed to sort of like just teach the campus yeah Wow we should all in that that's how should always communicate Language is the one that taught you. Yeah, yeah. So they managed to sort of like just teach the kid. Palm touch. Yeah.

Wow. We should all learn that. That's how we should always communicate. This podcast would be better. Not for them. For us. Just hold hands. Good one.

Oh, sorry, I spoke out loud. Just had a good run with my fingers. What do I want to do? Every time your dad's phone battery dies He puts flowers on the nearest lamp post Your dad's never made your mum come But he has made her leave on several occasions Hey Gene Are you leaving?

Because of me dad Your dad thinks he's a size 15 shoe But only because he didn't realise You have to take the scrumptious Your dad turned up to parent teacher night dousing links

Africa with a bouquet of flowers where did he turn up parent teacher night I think he's on a date your dad remembers where he was

when Jill Dando dies try again your dad remembers exactly where he was when Jill Dando died and not only that

he remembers the look on her face. Your dad eats pussy with chopsticks. And the luncheon keeps leaving. And ass with a knife and fork. Your dad got his foreskin made into a cingulate ring and you can't wait until he dies so he can have it

Your dad has a hymen Your dad picks up enough tar bends on the way to work to make himself a spliff when he gets there but he always needs to bump skins off people I am on for the last week in Melbourne every day at the taxi Riverside which is down by

Federation Square every day at 7 6pm on Sundays no show on Monday but my blast show next Saturday is at the Town Hall In the big room And it's not sold out

Because that would be ridiculous So please for the love of God Come to that You absolute barbags What time's that on? I think it's 7.30 that one 7.30 on Saturday? Next Saturday

I thought you had a 7 o'clock show Yeah but because You can't do the extra show At the same time What? No no no It's instead of that one Ah they've moved

Just for that one Ah cool So my show's on At the same time as yours Seven o'clock Every day except Mondays Six o'clock on Sunday So it's Team Muggins

Or Team Cream Or you can come to both On separate days Yeah And Apart from that What's that thing? Go to my website

And you can buy my solo show How To Be Happy on www.kaihunfries.com and because sometimes it ends up in your spam folder when it gets sent to you the link to download it I have to send you the link manual and send you the manual letter I've just been giving mail to

strangers just been writing to you all lucky for some not them but for some I've heard yep so we could just get a little back and forth

dialogue have a little bit of shoot the breeze and we're still thinking about doing this live podcast

I reckon we should be able to get it done but do let us know if you're interested because otherwise there's no fucking point

spread the word thanks for the love speak to you Monday cunts bye