Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 47 Big Muggins in Little China Town

Episode Date: April 19, 2017

Recorded in Muggins' gaff in China Town of Melbourne, Cream has been a poorly duck and Muggins has had a heavy Bank Holiday, the two catch up on all of their shenanigans and while they're at it, throw kissy two lips under the bus for his bad bar habbits.   

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Everybody from the 313, put your motherfucking hands up and follow me. You know that's a fake mail, right? No. It's a fake mail. Oh, wait, yeah, yeah, yeah. They always do that in rap songs where they shout out that postcode. Well, that's the area code, the 313. So it's like, here we go.

Everyone from the 0167, put your motherfucking hands up and let me know. What's your area code the 313 so it's like there you go everyone from the 0167 put your motherfucking hands up and let me know what's your area code your phone number 0131 I'm not going to give my fucking postcode

out on the podcast everybody from the EH20 not your postcode your fucking area code for your phone oh plus 44

everyone from the plus 44 let me let you know that your mum's a whore anyway that was this is why I don't like musical introductions Kerry was asking this for the Let me let you know that your mum's a whore Anyway This is why I don't like musical introductions Kerry was asking us for the He was like what's the

Because he must have been like working on a bit But he needed the number for 999 in Australia But none of us knew what it was I think it's triple zero But he was like what's the number For the emergency services here I was like oh plus 44999 Got to do double zero first uh so we're back with uh sloss and humphries on the road

with me diane sloss cream kai muggins still at the melbourne comedy festival and i'm i'm i'm getting drained you drained oh you're not well are you you've been a poorly little duck oh it was fucking horrific the other day. Was your voice just auto-corrected? So, obviously, last time we were on the podcast, I was talking about my milky shit that was not milky, and I was actually very healthy. Turns out, two days after that,

Cream had... He had food poisoning, because when he realised it was milk, he ate it. Just thought it was Coco Pops. Did he have food poisoning? Did he realized it was milk he ate it just thought it was cocoa pops did he have food poisoning to have like a tummy bug like well so i was just putting it down to this is how bad i am with my life you know they always say like men struggle to find out they've got prostate cancer because they'll never get a check and they refuse to admit that they're ill i've always been like no i'll always get that shit checked up. Now, it turns out, I reckon I'm just going to die

and I'll have all types of cancer. And my last words would be like, oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Oh, yeah, should have got that. I just thought I had really lumpy testicles. I thought I was just so good at shagging that my boss decided to grow another bar

to make up for all the shagging. Like, no, it was a pretty serious tumor. We need reinforcements. No, it turns out you had a pretty serious tumour down there Sloss so I had like barbaric diarrhoea

the other day so much so I'll show you a picture of it you gotta see oh what no you gotta see the spread of this

like it was just a picture can you fucking take us to the toilet by the hand no no I flushed it I'm not gross look at the coverage

of this oh dude right did you do that like stood on the toilet seat but it looks like Look at the coverage of this Oh dude Right Did you do that like Stood on the toilet seat But it looks like I was down in the toilet And facing upwards

How's it on the handle Like it's kind of flush It was like Fucking properly Like Horrific diarrhea It was clean It was just water

It was just water So I'm sat there You know what it looked like It looked like when you use the pressure hose To get moss from between the fucking cracks Down the moss So I'm sat there I'm high and it's early in the morning

So your fault So I did this horrific horrific Diarrhea Sorry to the podcast listeners who don't want to hear this But you've stuck this far through everything Did you put the finger over Like what you do with the tab When you spray the tab

No I just held a Spoon underneath Like a teaspoon But face up And it just Sprayed everywhere And I was just like But at that point

I was just like Oh you know It's the festival It's three weeks in I've been drinking most days My diet's not that great Diarrhoea makes a bit of sense I'm going to go back After my gig To watch um i'm gonna go out later that night but

me and sheena are on like the last episode of broad church so i'm like we gotta go watch that we go back put my chalmers on get some ben and jerry's i'm gonna go out afterwards no i'm still my clothes up i have like half a bottle of wine which is not a lot for me by any sense and i've always had like three sides of the cake but again rookie numbers and then I'm walking back to the uh Hairy Little Sisters and I'm feeling a bit unwell there I have another drink it's not sitting too well and I'm walking home I'm like I feel a bit sick but it's this definitely doesn't feel like like drunk sick like you know when you've had too much drinking you just need to sort of spew I'll always have like a tactical chunder I'll shove my fingers

down my throat and I'll spew and i'm like well maybe i'm due for one of those but this feels like it's coming up and i've never it's been ages since i've spewed on alcohol like not my decision and i'm just walking and i'm just about to walk into the expert where you guys are i'm like i think i need to go home and spew and i'm like oh i'm not going to make it home so i don't want to spew on a main street so i just run down the side alley down there but it's not a side alley it's just another main street and I walk down and this spew was like I don't even know why I had this thing of like if I cover my mouth I'll be able to I'm definitely gonna spew but if I cover my mouth I'll be able to swallow it back

down maybe it'll just be a bit but like my whole mouth fills up with spew and then the rest of my stomach's like nah nah buddy this is like united airlines we've put more passengers on this flight and just fucking throws us out right and because of the wine i've been drinking and the projectile of it it must have looked like quentin tanantino met team america like one guy audibly we just shouted across the road like oh my god dude are you okay how do you explain your head doing a 360 looking behind me Like someone came up and threw holy water on me or they were just coming on me. I don't know. I was too busy spewing.

And I spew everywhere. And it's an impressive amount. Like it's seven amounts worth of sick amount. And I'm like, oh, well, I feel a little bit. And then the second one comes out. And I'm like, that's not alcohol spewing. But you know what? I'll go home

and get changed I've spewed all down myself I have to put my hood up right I've got my Annie Donna hoodie just covered in spew bad advertising for them go back home

and I'm feeling a little bit better so I'm like I'll just go have a water so I have a big bottle of water go over to the pub where Stanley is and have another glass of water

he's like do you want a pint I'm like nah I've just been sick and it's not you actually punched him because he like he playfully went no the pub where Stanley is, and I have another glass of water, he's like, do you want a pint? I'm like, nah, I've just been sick, and it's not, you know. You actually punched him. Oh.

Because he, like, he playfully went, like, you know what I mean? No, Stanley has a terrible read on situations 90% of the time. Like, Stanley's thing, and I love the boy, but antagonism is fully his game. Like, and most of the time it's fine, because it's, you know,

it's he'll antagonise you when you're in a mood enough to be sort of antagonised and whatnot. But when you're a bit threadbare? When you're a bit on edge? Man, I've just spewed up everything I've eaten in the past fucking three days. I'm on an empty stomach. I'm feeling like fucking shit.

And I said, I'm not feeling well. And his thing, an unforgivable dick move, just punches me in the fucking stomach. Just said I feel sick. Shortly after you just did that speech you talked about. And he knows the full story. Like, he's done it to get a fucking reaction. And this is my thing about people who go,

when I've seen people go, oh, he's just trying to get a rise at you, or that person's just trying to get a rise at you. I'll give you the rise. He got a rise out of you. Like, you do what? Hold on, swung a punch at him. Like, if you weren't so weak,

it might have seemed effective. But it's just because you are so ill, and also because you've got your little woomy arms yeah i've not been in the gym in like six months weak arms all right but like i just fucking lost my shit and punched it was a full-on fucking dick move on his part so i run around punched him as hard as i could in the shoulder and at that point he was like oh this is fucking serious i'm like oh really cunt is it um and they he was obviously once he realized how bad it was was fully apologetic after that and then he was the one that 10 minutes later was like,

buddy, I've never seen you like this. You need to go home. So I go home and I'm like, maybe it is just the amount of alcohol I've been drinking. Again, at this point, just denying the fact that it could be food poisoning. And it's not until I get home that I just spew up all the water I've just drank.

I drink an electrolyte, spew all that up immediately to the point where every time I drink something, five minutes later, it's just going to come. There's nothing left in my body. And I realize it it's food poisoning you know that bit where you're like your stomach's making you wretch it's clearly trying to get something out your stomach and it's not fucking there and just kept spewing up do you know what it was milk i put it in gina on a night i think it was on was on Saturday or Sunday and she was leaving to check if you were okay because she knew you were on a bad way

and at that moment I was like oh you care about Daniel way more than I do like I knew you were ill but there was nothing in my brain that was like you should probably check he's alright like I had no inclination to make sure you were okay no no that's what Gina's very good for

her first thing was when she found out how to... Because, like, the word had spread. Like, you'd obviously told people I was feeling well. Stanley had obviously told people. And then word had gone back to Jean. And the whole time I'd been texting Jean, been like, no, I'm fine. No, I don't worry about it.

Like, she was... Had a... Like, she'd been working hard. Had a rare night off. And I was like, no, just go have fun with your friends. But to be fair, she came home drunk and was not as comforting

as she thought she was she said that you were on the bathroom floor shivering oh yeah I was like full on body convulsion that just sounds like Daniel

that's how he does when he's in full health that's how he does the podcast most of the time it's just because you can't see it on the podcast we always do it

in the bathroom he's just curled around the thing that's the nightmare I normally don't even wait for it to leave so I can have a shower have a shower

while you're there shivering oh but it was like but I mean how lucky am I that it happened on the Sunday night when Monday was my day off

yeah like it was real real fucking lucky oh man the wheels come up off the bus for me this weekend obviously you haven't seen this

because you've been like recovering shivering like a little bit but I'm shivering like a little bit. I'm shivering like one of those dogs that was only just for Christmas. Shivering like a Christmas day dog in January. But guys, seriously, always adopt dogs as opposed to buying new

because they know how to do you know how to deal with it when you desert don't teach a nude puppy like like disappointment in the lack of love season this way you should always you know married someone that's already a divorce that way if you're cheating them it's fine they're used to it you know how to handle it alright best thing to do is if someone

a rescue wife I heard you got a new husband aye he's a rescue I came from an abusive relationship he's the one I used to kick him but guys also domestic abuse

is never funny. Always adopt new kids. Yes. Anyway, the wheels came off the bus and they went round and round. Yeah, I just got fucking munted every single day. I feel like I missed out. I really got it because... I woke up in bed with Sam from Abandoned Man.

Oh, I was it. It was great. He was Big Spoon. I mean, he slept on the other side of the bed facing away, so it makes signals. So you just woke up sucking his toes? Spent all night thinking you were sucking your thumbs? Oh, man. So you slept 69'd?

No, just facing the opposite way. No, the same longitude, just different latitude. I mean, well, it was facing the same way up. Oh, right, so it's just like you were both huffy. But the room was spinning, so I couldn't tell. You know what they say, never go to bed angry. They say, don't go to bed with an itchy arse, or you'll wake up with a smelly finger.

That's my motto. So you went out on Saturday night? So we fucking went out on, the Newcastle match was on. So I sent a text out to you lot saying that the Newcastle match was going to be shown at the X. But no one really replied. I knew you were ill. I knew Stanley had gigs and shit. I just thought, I'm going to probably watch a bit of the match and then go to bed.

I was a bit tired. And then Sam walked through the door, so he'd get in the message. But he didn't reply, saying he was coming. He just ghosted in. Nice. And it was one of those moments where you come in where I just got a little spring in my step where I was like, this night's going to take a turn. So we made a cheeky little bet saying that whoever

gets scored past buys a shot because he's an Ipswich fan I don't know if you know this I don't think he cares that much but he's Ipswich

boy so I was like if Newcastle score Ipswich buys the drinks if Ipswich score Newcastle buy the drinks it was fucking 3-1 on it

so I was buying rounds fucking every two minutes but Stanley and Rory Kai with a distinct lack of mathematical knowledge there

four goals in 90 minutes every two minutes I was buying shots were you buying shots during the replays were you not paying attention

being like fucking hell Newcastle getting tanked here there was one goal where I'd already ordered the shots right and Chris Franklin just

would come up and grab me on and went it's offside and I was like is it no I was like what a cunt

but eh but Stanley jumped on the fucking rounds as well even though he wasn't on the team that's right for him but man he has jumped like

he is the biggest freeloading piece of shit of this entire festival and I'm not even throwing him under the bus here so if you listen to if you listen to the podcast that I've done in Adelaide

I've done it with Andrew Stanley em kissy tulips you might know him as. Kissy Long Pockets. So I didn't realise this when I was in Adelaide and Perth because I wasn't drinking. But now that I've been drinking,

you kind of be at the bottom of it with him fucking popping up like a genie out of a lamp. He's got all buys a drink. He's like the Microsoft paperclip for drinks. Fucking really? Are you trying to buy a round did you forget to buy me one

I've never owned anything like it right if you go to any bar and you order if you order the same round

three times or even just once Stanley will turn up doesn't even have to be a mirror there so they ended up jumping on me fucking Jager bombs

somehow I don't know how they did it but every time I went back to the bar and he was like it's $42

you sound like a fucking broken record man just type down your content fucking Jager bombs somehow. I don't know how they did it, but every time I went back to the bar and he was like, it's $42. I'm like, you sound like a fucking broken record. What did they just type down? You can't... It's the barman. He said the other day, because he was at Hi-Fi and I think he spent something like $350

the other night. He was like, oh man, man, I spent so much money the last night. I'm like, don't give that shit to me as if I had any of those fucking drinks.

Do you know what he did? What name? So fucking he came up and was like, I'll buy you a shot. and was like oh buy us a shot so I go to buy him a shot just because I'm instinctively I'll always buy a drink

at the bar I'll always buy drinks for friends I'll not put up resistance at the bar I'll get a drink in and then he fucking he bought the bar

and made a shot on my dollar did I mention this last time I was on the podcast because it was a couple of weeks ago when he'd done this he was like

I'll get yourself one as well and I was like fucking flirt on your own money you cunt flirt on my dollar freeloading piece of shit so yeah I had a pretty heavy night

and a fucking side portion of guilt for how much money I spent over the weekend because we're working a lot of gigs we've done like as a bank holiday

everyone's off work so people are free to go to comedy gigs so you put more comedy gigs on so we were fucking working our socks off over the weekend doing like extra gigs

from fucking 1.30 in the afternoon all the way up to midnight and I just fucking waxed a lot I was devastated I've been so good this month so your wedding's

going to be a bit shit is what you're saying yeah I've just lost an invite someone's been cut from the invite list at be a bit shit is what you're saying yeah I've just lost an invite someone's been cut from the invite list at the wedding every drink you do

you're just like ah never liked Stanley that much every time we've scored someone less at the wedding they scored three goals

so you just made it sound from a band of men being like hey your team did this yeah another thing Stanley does as well

on the odd occasion where he does buy a drink I see him trying to hustle the bar staff to give him it for free genuinely because the expat

where we've been doing gigs so you get a couple of free drinks where obviously people take advantage of the free drinks and then they cut you off but he's always

trying to push that boundary on how many extra free drinks we get every time he gets the bar speaking of I can't remember the last time Stanley did buy me a drink that but he's always trying to push that boundary on how many extra free drinks we'll get every time he gets to the bar. Speaking of, I can't remember the last time Stanley did buy me a drink. That? I can name you the last seven times

we've had one. Man, if we say drink one more time, he's going to turn up at the fucking door. So what's your drinks? Piece of shit. I mean, to be fair, he is going to listen to this podcast and be very upset, but to be fair he is going to listen to this podcast

and be very upset but to be fair the only reason he doesn't listen to this podcast is because it's free that's why he likes kissing so much

he's only got to pay in the aftermath when he gets slapped kiss costs nothing oh Chris so I'm wearing my gaff right now Oh, Christ. So, we're in my gaff right now. We're in Chinatown. Right.

One thing I've noticed, right? I don't know. If you say it a lot of Chinese. I don't know if this is a muggle corner or not. I haven't got it written down as my muggle corner. What's the deal with the face masks? What? The pollution masks

oh yeah fucking muggles it's no no see i've got two sides to this it's obviously talk about like whenever because it happens in enver as well where you like japanese tourists or chinese tourists come over and they're wearing the face mask now obviously that is because there is a hella hella smog in china right my mom has obviously worked for the environmental agency she does a lot of lectures in china and she's like when you're there likella smog in China, right? My mum has to, obviously, works for the Environmental Agency. She does a lot of lectures in China. And she's like, when you're there, like, the smog is unreal. It's like a foggy city constantly.

Like Middlesbrough. A thousand times worse. Like, it's just, like, it's like Snoop Dogg times a thousand in an elevator. Like, level of fucking smog. Like, she's like, China is, even if Britain and Europe were to really cut down on their emissions, China's fucking us up royally. So they always wear those things. So it's probably

they're just bringing it over. But to be fair, and again, here's ignorance, I was just like, surely this is much cleaner air, but maybe it's because I reckon it's anything. I mean, it's still a city centre isn't it but then also I've got two things

I'm like either they're over paranoid or way under paranoid or what do they know that they're not telling us like it's one of the two

and I don't know which one I'm happier with like I don't know I just saw a guy the other day fucking took his face mask off and lit a cigarette

and I was like what the fuck so I don't know I don't know like because a guy the other day fucking took his face mask off and lit a cigarette I was like what the fuck so I don't know I don't know like because if they're right that means I should be

wearing one too yeah but I don't have any inclination to do it alright but what have you ever given a fuck about your health fucking every day

went for a jog this morning by the river did you yeah did you not go for a swim in it apparently a full radial sear what apparently they joke about the yard or whatever it is Did you not go for a swim in it? Apparently it's full of needles here. What? Apparently they joke about the yard or whatever it is,

like you're not meant to swim in it because it's filled with needles or some shit. Wear a face mask. Swim with a face mask. Wear a snorkel and do the backstroke. Should we go into Muggle Corner? Yeah. All right.

Yeah, it was really fucking difficult today for me to get up and go for a jog and, like, hit my diet and shit because I've just been partying all weekend. I had the biggest banished cheat day the other day. Did you? Could you fuck? Even though I've been, like, partying quite hard,

I've still been keeping to my diet pretty good but I had the fucking right you could name you couldn't name something I didn't have

cake I had cake but it's fucking obvious dumplings dumplings I had dumplings pizza I had pizza

burger I had burger ice cream didn't have ice cream had a meringue and some macaroons though I had some pie face oh I love pie face

I had hungry jacks I had a McDonald's breakfast for supper and this is in one day right McDonald's breakfast for supper I was like

fucking bacon egg muffin extra hash brown fucking pancakes had some pancakes mate I almost ate about 6,000 calories

in one day I was a fucking pig had a croissant with ham and cheese in it had big mega nut lattes with extra sugar try and name some more shit I didn't have try brownie with ham and cheese in it right had big mega nut lattes with extra sugar aww

try and name some more shit I didn't have try brownie didn't have a brownie a calzone she's back in London miss you babe

this one's gonna be a hard one to phrase but this is my good call out yeah right I'm just gonna tell you the fucking type of thread. Right.

This is very specific to our liberal fucking listeners. Right. This is for liberal muggles, which is any fucking cunt on Facebook who starts a thread with like, okay, look, I understand the political climate, but the thing is here's a question for my here's a genuine question for my brexit voting my no voting

my trump voting my whatever my tory voting friends blah blah blah blah blah no mean comments whatever like there's just they're trying to open up a discussion it's facebook you are a fucking pyromaniac how what level of dastardly arrogance do you think that you have? Did you use pyromaniac wrong? Because that means someone that uses flames? No, no, that's what I mean. Like, they think they're going to start off this... It's fucking Facebook.

You think you're going to start a fucking kind, well-thought-out political fucking debate on Facebook? Nah, you're a bag of shit that's put yourself so... political fucking debate on Facebook. Nah, you're a bag of shit that's put yourself so high. You value your political opinion so much that you've made yourself the head of your own fucking talk show on Facebook. Yeah, impartialise the shit out of everyone.

Like, trying to be the fucking mediator. Guys, look, can we all just agree to disagree here? But why don't we just open a healthy fucking thing? Don't get me wrong, healthy discussions absolutely need to happen, but do not have them on fucking facebook and they're the ones that throw out the message about like oh in another election it's distracting from something else i wonder what they're distracting from and like even by engaging in it you're still being distracted

like it's like you've chased that ball that they've thrown because now you're discussing it like now you're talking about it oh i just there's a certain type of uh obviously we're both very left-leaning people but and i've got a bit about it on my show this year uh which i totally agree with i really hate some of my fucking teammates on the left i imagine the right feel the same way i imagine like if you're like right-leaning and like you see a racist you see a racist white power marches and shit oh yeah oh man you have tainted the right leg so they're they're just as yeah absolutely like there's there needs to be a new political party which is the middle which has just been like it's some of the left and some of the

right being like look can we just deal with problems on either side of this because these cunts fucking suck right now yeah let's just be the middle of the venn diagram oh i just can't stand that it's such a i always feel like feel like the best way to do well for your party would be to join the other party and blow a goat. You know, if you're an MP. Yeah. If you're an MP that wants to do well for Labour, join the Tory party and fuck up with the sex scandal.

Yeah. Because it seems to be that doing something shitty is way worse than doing something good. I can't like because I come up with this election I don't know how people get so excitable about anything I always feel like

none of it ever really makes that much difference I think that we've got this illusion of democracy that what we do makes a difference people get really infused by it I think that's the thing I think that's what infused by it. But I think that's the thing is, I think that's what they want to do though. I think they want you to,

I think that's how they win. Like, is they want you to think that voting doesn't fucking change anything. And that's because largely in the past couple of years, especially in the UK, like voting for,

you know, left-leaning parties or whatever hasn't made a difference. Especially in Scotland. Like, the reason, like, I think voting,

voter turnout's gone down there is because no matter how we vote party-wise, we're always going to end up with Tories, because if England vote Tories, Scotland get it, because we're always out-voting. So I think if you're compressed like that, but I think that's also how they want it to work. I don't read, so this is just my theory based on nothing, but they want you

to feel like your vote changes nothing, so the next time the vote does come round, then nothing does change. Because you've got to admit some stuff regardless what anyone says things did get better under obama like all the graphs but don't get me wrong he did some heinous fucking shit he dropped a lot of bombs and all that fucking shit and so he wasn't peaceful but if you look at the economy and the stuff he sort of did it did make progress but it's all the bad shit gets to the top as opposed to the good shit right I don't know

I never feel an effect even when everyone's like oh the Brexit we're gonna be fucked and then I'm like what like six seven what I'm saying and all that

I've got's a better exchange rate from your dollar in Australia yeah but that's but that's also because Brexit's not gone through like when it gets to like Brexit will fuck up our European tour

because we because we gotta get visas for every single different place. Oh, I heard as well that the EU are going to have like a blanket thing on Romans. So like it's just like being in the same country wherever you go in the EU. Yeah. Wait, what? For your phone data. Yeah.

So if we're still in the EU, like in a few months time, like we'll just be able to do the European tour without changing my contract. Like getting bolt-ons or fucking whoring out for Wi-Fi. Can you Wi-Fi? I'll suck a dick. I'll suck your dollar for some cheeseburgers. Yeah I mean this

is basically neither of us know enough about it but yeah but my point is that's why also I know my friends are the same like there are very few people

whose political opinions I will respect. Those are my parents who I know keep up to date. Marcus Brigstocke, just because I know that he's really into stuff.

Andrew Maxwell. I call him if I've got a news-related show to do. Jeff Norcutt, he's right-leaning, but I respect Jeff's opinion because he fucking really studies this. He really does. Other people read it, so you don't have to.

And also Dave Longley. He's very up to date. But that's it. He's funny. To anyone else, or maybe Paul Senna, but to any other comedians listening to this,

I don't give a fuck. Like, seriously, I don't respect any of your opinions on politics. I respect your opinions on comedy. I respect your opinions

on food. I respect your opinions on alcohol. I couldn't give a fuck about any. Like, in the same way you'd be like, Sloss, none of us care about your opinions on politics. That's why I'm not opinions on food. I respect your opinions on alcohol. I couldn't give a fuck about any... Like, in the same way, you could be like, Sloss, none of us care about your opinions on politics. That's why I'm not fucking giving you it.

Some comedians put their opinion on Facebook and their jokes on Facebook just to stay relevant. And I'm looking at it going, oh, you're so... You're so crap. Like, there's times even... Honestly, right, there's times where I've had the urge

to have, like, a political say because it seems relevant. I'm like, oh, I've got a voice. I should be saying something right now. And then I'm just like, this ain't your field. Comment on the UFC or something. Don't put a comment on this. Everybody answers that compulsion

and just pours their shit out of you. But to take this outside of comedians, I think it also applies to a lot of people as well, where you just have one friend that just thinks they are the expert on fucking politics and tries to start this fucking discussion don't get me wrong it's fine hearing other people's opinions opening up a discussion but facebook is not the place for it if i say the word brexit i snap election in your status but then you have to click read more no yeah yeah so that's straight in yeah yeah I think so what's the

you didn't know how to wear it did you what are they getting in the muggle corner for if you start a political debate on Facebook under the guise of you're trying to make it neutral and open a discussion

you plan for your day to stay on your phone all day dealing with that having conversations on that forum fucking muggle cunts at least take some of your day you muggle change of pace yeah but fucking

the shop lush oh aye that's fucking does anyone go in there except muggles I do so yes

what when it's a muggle's birthday aye coming up oh what do I get this muggle some fucking just aye what is it's a muggle's birthday coming up oh what do I get this muggle some fucking just

it's just fairly fucking soap I do don't you sweets for the bath sweets for picking mix for your nice

little dicks oh fucking powders and soaps and just like soap for me it's just like it's just a necessary thing it's not a joy

you know soap isn't entertainment see's just like, it's just a necessary thing. It's not a joy, you know. Soap isn't entertainment. See, people think like, have that like coffee. Do you reckon coffee soap works? I don't know enough about the human body, but people are like, it's got coffee in it to wake you up. And I'm like, I don't know if I want my fucking nipples to be awake. I haven't seen anything like that. I feel like a lot of that sort of stuff is you're preaching a lot of science that you know

I'm not going to research to call your bullshit on like this one's got amino acids in it which react with the fucking alkalines in your body to make your you know I'm like you've already said a bunch of words that you know I can't be arse fucking googling so you win you win this fucking round I hate that when you've got

anything that's like the smells titled like moonflow and ylang ylang. You're like, fuck that shit. 100% not buying it because fuck your moonflower and fuck your ylang ylang. Give me some neutral smelling shit. Ylang ylang? It's definitely not ylang. That's the most Geordie way of saying that.

Ylang ylang. It doesn't exist. Ylang ylang. Yeah. I've bought stuff from there but also yeah like if I've

been late for Mother's Day and I'm just being a shit son at the time then I'll buy my mum that but did buy my mum a lovely present

yesterday did you get a tattoo you got a tattoo with your mum no my mum hates my tattoos really does because she's like

you're my baby boy I made you like you're perfect to my eyes, blah, blah, blah, fucking flirt, right? So I was trying to think of a tattoo that I could get that would put her in a moral dilemma of her having to like it. So when I was born, the year I was born, my mum had a children's book published called Anthony and the Aardvark, which the storyline was grandparents are looking after their grandkid and they go to the zoo and they lose their glasses and then the baby crawls out into the aardvark cage and then the baby aardvark crawls out into the pram and then the grandparents accidentally take the aardvark home.

Raise the aardvark. Raise the aardvark for a bit. Didn't have the glasses on. Should have gone to Specsavers. Should have gone to Specsavers. Well, I mean, look, if Specsavers had sponsored this book, it would have gone a bit further. But the reason it also came up is, you know, obviously, you know, Ava, my goddaughter.

Yeah. So Milo McCabe, the dad of my goddaughter, sent me a message the other day being like, huh, look at this. Isn't this funny? And it was a copy of the Anthony in the Art Book. And I was like, the fuck did you get that from? He was like, oh, my mom was at a car boot sale and she saw this. Oh, no way.

She saw this randomly. Isn't this, is that how your mom spells her name? I'm like Milo that's literally my mum's fucking book and he was like oh no way I've been reading this

to Ava for the past three nights and I'm like so entirely fucking randomly so you bought it because Leslie Sluss was the author

but didn't realise that was the Leslie Sluss yeah because my mum works she's got this big high up job didn't realise that when she was

fucking pregnant and wasn't allowed to go to work she was just a bit bored and wrote this fucking book. So yeah, got it done yesterday, said it through to my mum.

So you got the picture of Anthony in the aardvark? I mean, she got very, I mean, to be fair, I have realised, like,

the artist of the drawing, I'll put a picture up on Instagram, the aardvark does look like a fucking testicle. Yeah, I couldn't wake up that it was an aardvark at first.

I was like, what is going on there? I mean, look, if I were to put an aardvark in an I was like what is going on there I mean if I were to put an aardvark in an ear and the bottom half

of my body in a line up would you go to tell which was which my one's the only one

that the ants are crawling out of why is that aardvark got a runny nose I bet your

aardvarks love a lush do you reckon no nah I think they'll be overpowered by the smell oh maybe

probably the same with the elephants giraffes wouldn't get in this is a shit bit yeah you're really killing it here I don't feel the need

to jump in you just seem to have this lockdown on your own I was doing a hate crime on that joke and you're like I don't want to be an accessory to this

step away from the joke I'll give you to have this lockdown on your own. I was doing a hate crime on that joke and you're like, I don't want to be an accessory to this. Step away from the joke. Didn't want me fingerprints on it. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's the same thing you said about foot spas though. If you get, if you get any lush soap

on your birthday or Christmas, your friends think you're a muggle. Like, it's just, really take it personally. Yeah. And also, they're just going to hit you. You fucking stink, mate.

See you, you rancid fuck. I'd rather you smell like these seven words I can't pronounce because I can't pronounce the one word you smell like. Fucking shite. I don't know how I'd feel

if I got the, because they'd probably go unused. But then, I might just one day just go, you know what, I'm going to use that bath bomb and that soap. And then, what if I really enjoyed it oh i tell you what like see if i had a bath like i reckon i would occasionally you know spoil myself treat myself to a little like

bath for the bath but i've never had a bath on before since i was a kid you know maybe we just have bubble baths in the sink next time you have a shave treat yourself i just put it down the toilet it's not gonna look any worse than what i've done to that fucking bathroom in the past five days put an ass bomb that's why i've not been having a bath for the past couple of days because that's the only bath bomb i'd be dropping be like how slow you got bath bomb no that's milk uh i'll put that in lush is a definite one here one for me, and I'm real passionate about this one. Muggles slam dating apps. Like, the amount of people I've seen,

and this applies to, like, comedians that fucking slam it, and people online just being like, oh, you know, back in the good old days, we used to fucking meet women and men in bars naturally. You never met a woman. And you fucked off a lot of people. You annoyed a lot of people

by creepily going up to someone and being like, hey, you were not smooth back in the fucking day. This idea of meeting someone naturally as if it was a great thing just proves how shit... You could therefore only date someone within 500 meters of where you are at any given fucking point. The reason I like dating apps so much is for these reasons. When you're in a bar, you never know if the person you're about to chat up is in a relationship,

whether they are even looking... The boyfriend's about to come back from the toilet and knock you out. Knock you out. Or whether they are just not... They're meeting friends or they've just gone through a bad breakup. Or whether they're not... If they're gay, they're bi, they're pansexual or whatever. They're just not interested.

Or maybe you've got no idea whether they want to be hit on. So you have a 90% chance of ruining someone's day with your fucking shit muggle chat. Whereas Tinder and all these other apps gets rid of that. Here's someone. It's a filtration system. But it also filters out the fact

that this person's already interested in me. Like, they're already... For me to talk to them, they have to have swiped. Yeah. So there's a level of interest then. And for us to even go on the date, they have to agree to them they have to have swiped so there's a level of interest then and for guys to even go on the date they have to agree to the fucking date

like I've got to come across well it gets rid of so many don't get me wrong I understand women get so many fucking creeps in these dating apps as well but they don't have to go on fucking dates with them Tinder stops those fucking mugs that are sending dicks coming up to these poor people in bars and everyone's like oh I've had a poor experience on dating apps do you know why mate it's because you're fucking

rancid right i've had the most fun on tinder and bumble over the years of just meeting cool people all over the fucking world going on like little dates having little like little festive flings where i'm only in a city for a couple of days yeah staying in touch with people staying in touch meeting going out having a little fucking tour guide who you eventually get to bang. It's amazing. It's a fucking joy. And then you go, these suck.

Because people can see straight through me now. People can find me out because of this app. I prefer the veil of secrecy you got with the absolute unknown. Yeah, I love the fact they don't like the fact that someone can say no to their face immediately. Like, you used to rely on the fact that you used to be able to get people in a fucking hostage situation. In the good old days when people used to have chat-up lines.

You know, any chat-up lines. How fucking lame is that? That you used to open gambit with a girl with a prepared bit of shit. that you used to open gamut with a girl with a prepared bit of shit. Like, the main cause of success back in the day was fucking temporary Stockholm Syndrome. Like, you used to just go up and have this fake level of fucking charm or whatever,

which didn't pass through, but you made the person so uncomfortable. They couldn't leave. They literally couldn't leave. And there's just this... And again, it is this thing of there's a... If you don't like something fine but there is a fucking level of arrogance to these people being like oh god

can you imagine meeting someone on the dating app yeah i can and it's been great do you know who's got negative do you know who's got more negative reviews of people on dating apps is anyone you've gone on a fucking date with you rancid little fucking toad. Yes. So, people that hate dating apps. People are. People that hate dating apps, do you think they,

do you think they've had too much of themselves revealed? Oh, yeah. That they're like, oh, this sucks. Oh, yeah, they can't lie anymore. Like, which is easy to do on a fucking dating app, they just don't have the skill for it.

Yeah. I've never, I've never fucking really played with dating apps. Well, because you've always been with fucking, yeah. I've been with Natalie since pre-Tinder and I did when I was single

way back and I'm talking like pre-me ex-girlfriend I used to go on is it hot or not oh aye which I think

is like the original Tinder isn't it because you can click on yes and no on people and then you match up with people in chat I did know

but that's it wasn't a mobile app it was like you had to be fucking sat at your computer to get admin to get chores but then like

you go from there to chat to them on MSN Messenger yeah oh god back in the days of MSN Messenger god

there's something our kids will never understand the joy of remember I used to be able to nudge people boing oh that was the most desperate thing

in the entire world just hey talk to me someone comes online just nudge people boing that was the most desperate thing in the entire world just hey talk to me someone comes online and just nudge them you haven't even said anything you just nudged them I'm saying this as if it ever happened to me I was the one doing it you haven't replied to my poke on facebook yet

hold on can we pause this I'm just dying for a fucking wee pause it what's your next one so my next muggle corner is and we'll just do

well let's just do this one and then go into the dad jokes because we do yeah because we're running a bit late so this might have to be a short one this is like two with one sweep of the brush

right muggles misspell your and your like you are and your but muggles also correct them and these two these two types of muggles needpell your and your Like you are and your But muggles also correct them And these two types of muggles

Need each other to survive You couldn't have one without the other It's like the far right and the far left But when I see these people collide on Facebook I just watch them both Just going, what, could do this in private It is that thing of like The second someone spells like the second someone

spells it the second someone spells your or their wrong or where and were and where

you just go right could you please just fucking learn like it's really you've clearly done this so often you must get corrected

all the time just fucking work out but also you correcting them you're not better than they are it's the fact you're doing it publicly too you could just DM someone, right?

And go, look, I know we're arguing on Facebook, but you've spelt your wrong. It's you with an apostrophe R-E. And it's damaging your argument. So if you go on and edit it, then we can carry on like normal, but as far as it stands, everyone's going to think you're an idiot.

That would be way more damning. That would be way more damning to send them an inbox, right? Where you're like look I'm not doing this for the affection of other people and to get people on sides I'm doing this

because you're a fucking idiot people think it is people think it's the fucking win like it's like it's oh I won the argument it's like you've just fucking corrected

it's pedantry it's like winning on a technicality it's winning on like devaluing their argument because of the thing they devalued their own argument by spelling it wrong yeah just you're devaluing their argument because of the thing. They devalued their own argument by spelling it wrong. Yeah, just...

You're devaluing your own by correcting them. You're both devaluing each other's argument. There's no value to this argument here. We, like, that whole thing, like, we're, where, where, they're, they're, you're, you're... When people spell it wrong, it really does annoy me. But I will rarely, rarely fucking correct people on it. Very, very rarely. Like, because I'm just like, fucking correct people on it. Very, very rarely. Like,

cause I'm just like, I know what you meant. And I've got to like, so sometimes I'll just quickly type it out and realize I've done it wrong. And then I'll correct, like I'll correct myself, you know, for sake of WhatsApp.

Yeah. I'll do it with like the asterisks. Yeah. The yaw. Just so like people know I'm not an idiot. I know that was just a mistake. Oh yeah. Cause I am conscious of it.

So you're doing blanket muggles for both? Yeah, I think you're a muggle if you're correct, and you're a muggle if you do it. It doesn't take much. I don't blame dyslexia. We've done this when people are quick to say they've got insomnia or dyslexia or whatever. Sometimes it might just be you being a bit thick.

You are. You're just apostrophes of the A. If you join the two words together, there's an apostrophe. You are. But if you're saying you're just apostrophes of the A. Yeah. If you're joining two words together, there's an apostrophe. You are. Right? But if you're saying your as in belongs to, it's not you are. So it doesn't have the apostrophe. It's the same as you're making our about you.

And then if you think of the word there, right, is there, where, here. Right? It's the E-R-E. Yeah. Where are you? I'm there. I'm here. It's all E-R-E.

Yeah, yeah. Right? If you're hearing, right, it's not it. It's the E-R-E. Where are you? I'm there. I'm here. It's all E-R-E. If you're hearing, if you're hearing with your ears, think of ear, E-A-R, hear with an ear. So just do a little mind exercise with yourself next time you look at it. I understand when you're on a Facebook argument you want to get that fucking reply out so quickly.

Here's two reasons why you should take your time. One, spelling, and two, you might not want to type that comment reply out so quickly here's two reasons why you should take your time one spelling and two you might not want to type that comment because sometimes you know that fucking feeling of glory after you fucking wreck someone online you type out and you press send and then two minutes later you read it over and I'm like

aww I just came across as a cunt there didn't I oops I try not to engage too much in online feuds unless I think it's going to be entertaining for onlookers I've done a couple on my own status where I just fuel the troll feed the troll just because it's fun watching them fucking board in an airport

but I am guilty of both misspelling your and your and I am guilty of correcting people but I think it's about time we stop doing it we stop doing both I've identified that bit was funny

five years ago yeah like that whole thing I used to do it a lot now it's I mean grow up right let's start correcting people with a direct message

yeah let's do it right I think I find I think I find it's you're a faggot sloss it's okay mum I thought you'd know this

you used to write books and I don't know why it's that But I'm correct Oh, right This is going to have to be A short podcast Because we have to go out For lunch with friends

Sorry about the late one But you're used to This fucking podcast Yeah, it's been an Easter weekend You've been busy too You know We'll be back on track Shit, what are we going to do?

Are we split soon? Yeah We're going to do a farewell one you go off to Sydney you'll have some guests yeah I think also I think until we go back on the road

I think we might have to reduce it to just one a week anyway just because you do one week I'll do the next week yeah yeah just because at that point

it's been a lot of fun but we've been very sort of festival based it's been very easy for us but after this there's a lot of time when it's just as a part so I think we should just leave it till Mondays after this one each and then once we're back once

we're back in august in the fringe that's when we can go back to two a week and then obviously on the road where this podcast started is when we will obviously get back to two and also we'll try and come up with some new games because i'll be honest with you your dad jokes i've been really struggling to come up with some muggles is an untappable chest, like an unfinishable chest. Yeah, the dad jokes sometimes when your back's against the wall and you're like oh fuck, I have to dig deep. That's sometimes when you pull out

the best one. Yeah. Your dad lip syncs to Hitler speeches in the shower. Your dad put a prostitute in a wheelchair with his cock. But not like, didn't cripple her, just held it in the back like a knife? Get in the wheelchair. Get in the wheelchair, I'll touch you with it. Your dad saw a door that said pool and now they're going on the third date.

Your dad empties the Hoover bag into a bathtub full of water and pans it for Lego. Your dad thumbs his tongue in during foreplay. Your dad's left nipple is twice the size of his right nipple, but only half the size of his middle nipple. Finally, you know what? Your dad's got opposable nipples.

Your dad can count the amount of women he's slept with on his fingers and toes, but he can count their average age with his socks on. Your dad has two left eyes. Your dad throws bread at ducks with a catapult Your dad turns the fridge off at the wall before bed Your dad believes in living in the moment So he's attached a mirror to his selfie stick

Your dad believes in a thing called love how do you write that one down because look at the font you're freestyling no I freestyled that one no you got any more yeah oh fucks I have

your dad lost the back of his TV remote so he keeps the batteries in when Is I have your dad lost the back of his TV remote so he keeps the batteries in with a masking tape your dad lost his car in a game of fuck tip your dad lost his car

in a game of Beyblades your dad shouts at the referee when he's watching football on the telly your dad wears a Mexican hat to Nando's

I think I hadn't finished this one, but I just wrote it at the bottom there. I'm looking at my notes. I've got, your dad quit smoking. Take it back.

Your dad uses Tic Tacs as a suppository. Your dad plays gay chicken with a brother. Your dad plays gay chicken with

chickens. He just goes to the farm It just costs a lot He plays K-Brother With a chicken He just pretends To be his K-Brother

Cock-a-doodle Hoo I should have done Cock-a-doodle Yoo-hoo Something about cock anyway Anyway Thanks you for listening To the podcast Sorry it was a short one This week cock-a-doodle-yoo-hoo something about cock anyway anyway thanks you for listening to the

podcast sorry it was a shorter one this week thank you podcast listeners that have come to our gigs so many

they've hung around a bit too fucking shout out to Matthew who come to the he come to the roast the dill rock

yeah and then we come to the festival club with us and come in had a fucking great time drinking rounds with Matthew good kid come to my show club with us and come in, had a fucking great time drinking rounds with Matthew. Good kid. Come to my show the next day

and if you're listening, I apologise that I couldn't hang around for a drink after I had a dash to another gig but fucking, you're a legend, mate. And also to Webby who gave us a spliff,

the World Wide Web. Oh yeah. World Wide Web. Yeah. Yeah, give us a spliff to have and then wanted to take away and then he come and joined me

at my gig last night. Fucking dudes. Good cunt. For night good cunt proper good cunt also thanks to all the podcast listeners who've come to my gigs and not brought me any weed you fucking assholes he did bring you weed that was

yeah but not to my gig to yours oh well he still had some somebody's got a fucking favourite and it's Muggins clearly Team Muggins shout out to all the Team Muggins out there

apart from that my show's on I've only got one show that's not sold out and that's in the town hall on Saturday in Melbourne 7.30

please come along to that one I watched Auntie Donna in there and they shouted you out yeah yeah fucking just done their gig to the big town hall

packed out shout out to Daniel Sluss at the end so I've already showed all the costs that was my big tip for the festival yeah I'm going to be on

I've got five more gigs probably four after we've put this out at seven o'clock at the sub club and then I will get my website up to date with gigs in Sheffield

and Leeds and the Middle East if you're listening in Dubai or Doha I'm coming your way in May sweet punch drunk comedy

come back right and we'll talk to you next week ugh ugh