Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.7 Piggy and Cream

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

Piggy reluctantly said yes so muggins and cream spend the podcast getting stoked for the future wedding and all the trimmings. Did someone say Stag?

Sid do an intro. Good evening boys, girls, ladies, gentlemen, other dogs but not cats. Welcome to the Sloss and Humphreys on the road podcast. In today's episode we catch you up on my very, very lovely engagement to the woman I'm now engaged to, who I've loved for several years, who I definitely know the name of, and talk about that story between me and her, the future Mrs Sloss. It's a real romantic episode. Get your cock out.

I love you. Sloss and Humphrey's on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo!

They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11? Who the fuck is Peaches? You said it Who the fuck is Peaches? You can't I put the mic up, I'm turning the mic up Who the fuck is Peaches? You said You said Peaches and Cream

I? You said it So I didn't say there was a Peaches and Cream I made the joke You said Two it wasn't easy either, two it wasn't all Peaches and Cream and I made the joke No it was Muggins and Cream and then you went who's Peaches?

You said Peaches you fucking gaslighter That'd be like That'd be like Natalie going on your phone you went, who's peaches? You said peaches, you fucking gaslighter. That would be like Natalie going on your phone, changing her number, changing her... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're gaslighting me. No, no, no. It would be like Natalie going on your phone, changing her number, right, to Sarah,

and then texting you going, I want to suck your dick, and then her grabbing your phone and going, who the fuck's Sarah? Who's this bitch and you're like oh god I don't know wait you made it up you it's you

but I mean why did I say peaches and cream is it because I've heard it a million times peaches and cream is it because I keep hearing about you

swanning around with peaches I've never heard of peaches and cream I've heard of strawberries and cream I've heard of muggins and cream

I mean there was I mean you're working your way out of it well no I'm not working out a bit there was even a song by 112 and Pete Diddy

called Peaches and Cream was there how do you expect me to know that when you were seven you know the date a song came out oh I guess

you just remember where you were wasn't it I don't know I'm just I'm thinking it was like early thousands

you would probably be about 12 maybe aye I'm just thinking it was like early thousands. You would probably be about 12 maybe. Aye. I'm going to plug this in on the charts. You're getting old now, you know.

You can't be bang on with a young comedian thing for much like. I've not banged on for years. Half man, half

Xbox. Hey, to be fair, I've got to say a big, big, big, big thank you to my mum for coining that phrase, half man, half Xbox. hey to be fair I've got to say thank big big big big thank you to my mum for that coining that phrase

half man half Xbox because that is why they sent me an Xbox is it aye you got a free Xbox I got a free Xbox right

because obviously Microsoft were trying to do their like you know they obviously compete with fucking Playstation Xbox neither of them

neither of those companies capable of making the right amount of consoles either. Like genuinely fuck you Sony and fuck Microsoft. I'm fine with you

because you sent me one right. But how can we live in a fucking world where I am assured there is a bunch of fucking slave labor going

on that I'm meant to be fucking sad about and I still can't get my hands on a PlayStation. Oh people all these kids in China they're making all

this stuff all the time. Oh it's really unfair. Can I get a PlayStation. Right. So it's not so it's not that bad then, all these kids in China, they're making all this stuff all the time. Oh, it's really unfair. Can I get a PlayStation? Right, so it's not that bad then. It's not as bad as you say it is. If it was awful, I'd have a PlayStation 5. So it is getting better because I don't have a PlayStation 5.

It's the fact that they've grossly undermade them. Oh. Like, it's massively undermade. Like, well, they're only... Like... Right, I get it. Could they not look at how many PlayStations 4s they sold and then guess?

Just like, I'm going to assume roughly that amount of people might want it. And the bunch of people who are just waiting for the next one to come out before they get one. Because I nearly had one for 100 quid. No, I mean... With 70 plus postage and packaging, but that turned out to be like a little bit of a

you know it didn't quite work out aye because I thought Marlena had got me the Xbox I thought she just got in contact

with fucking Microsoft and was like hey can he have an Xbox but no I think they were just their marketing team was just looking for people that would like

talk about it and then obviously half man half Xbox must have come up and they were like that'll do you'll fucking talk about it and I will it's a great console there you go thanks now get me a Playstation 5 Obviously, half man, half Xbox must have come up and they were like, that'll do. You'll fucking talk about it.

And I will. It's a great console. There you go. Thanks. Now get me a PlayStation 5. You're literally just trying to get a PlayStation 5 by selling Xbox. Aye. So, sorry, I don't want to get on about

peaches and cream and Xboxes too much. Following up from the last podcast that we did, where did you hide the body well if I told you that that would be admitting to a crime I don't know where Cara is and I miss her dearly so she said no then

I don't know what you're talking about she said I'm going out to the shops and she's not returned and you proposed to her and she said yes yes she did say what and you proposed to her and she said yes? Yes she did which is handy were you like oh thank god phew

that could have been embarrassing my ego would have been knocked my confidence would have been ruined aye aye my trust would have gone I would have been a different fucking person but it was you'll back me up on this. There was no doubt in your fucking mind

when you proposed to Natalie, was there? Nah. Not a chance. I wouldn't have fucking done it if I thought she was going to say no. The amount of people that come up to me since I proposed to her, like, were you nervous?

Were you nervous? And I'm like, no. And I know this sounds arrogant, but there was no way she was going to say no for two reasons. One, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know the answer. I'm not those psychos

that go into those fucking, you know. I'm going to really tempt fate and jinx it here as well, right? Aye. But you're not divorces and that. Aye. I look at them like failed proposals,

like, how did you get that, right? Aye. Like, I'm really tempting fate here. Kids haven't come along and fucked everything up yet. Aye.

Like, well, no. But I also take a look at them going, how did you go? Oh, I want to be with you forever. And then a few years in, sometimes even just months in, going, actually, no.

Aye, whoops. Aye. I kind of, in a way, get the ones after 15, 20 years. That's less of a divorce and more like, aye, you you completed that. Ah, you've done your...

You know the ones after the kids. I always find those ones like sad, but you kind of just respect, like if somebody gets divorced after their two or three kids have left the home and they're like, right, shift done. Your mum and dad, my mum and dad are sat at the cinema after the credits at this point. Just going, well, my mum and dad my mum and dad are sat at the cinema after the credits

at this point just going well my mum and dad's attitude was always sort of really made me happy because they were like

we can't fucking wait until you kids are out of the fucking house so we can go be us again like we love you you're great but we existed

before you and we are going to exist after you you were something that we loved in the meantime and now we get to travel well you. You were something that we loved in the meantime, and now we get to travel. Well, I mean, obviously not now.

What I like about this is me ignorantly saying, oh, I don't even get divorces. How did they fuck that up so bad, right? There's people listening to this who are divorced because of you. Aye. And then I'm sat here. God, how did you fuck it up so badly? You're like, it's because of him.

It's because of the guy It's because of him. It's because of him. What is this? Bad cop, worst cop? No, I am very aware that things change. Things change and you change throughout our fucking relationship. And people make mistakes when saying, do you want to marry us? Oh, no, but also you can change so much during a relationship.

You can kind of just admit at that point when it's not a sad divorce where you go, right, look, we've gone through a lot together and we've reacted to that situation differently and we've come out different people. I still love you. You're great. We've obviously shared this journey together.

But our destinations are in very, very soon. Look, I'll see you at Christmas. I'll send you Christmas cards. We can talk to the kids occasionally. But after that, I mean, I doubt see you at Christmas. I'll send you Christmas cards. We can talk to the kids occasionally, but after that, I mean, I doubt that'll be me. I'm like, I kind of hold the promise as an oath, though.

I think that's where my stance on marriage is. If Natalie ended up like, you know, prostitutes sucking dicks so she couldn't afford a heroin, I'd hold her hand in the bath while she was going cold turkey you know what I mean

it's like I'm like I've kind of committed to this cause now I've committed to this cause now and if you're fucking it up that means I'm fucking it up I've like well I mean

I mean now you get to when does your responsibility to the other person end are you saying that in marriage that you've got like even if she becomes a fucking cunt

a manipulative fucking bitch a horrible human being how did she end up like that was that something to do with me was it

because she never used to be like that is it the new job wait is it Glasgow is this a violent city did she become so lovely because she was

down in London and now just the fights got back into her I wouldn't I wouldn't have like

circumstances changing change a person you just do grow apart I think it depends like obviously

we don't have kids but there's ways to approach having kids and sometimes people ways to approach having kids and sometimes people go you know the kids are in between them

and the kids play them off against each other whereas you have to be an absolute unified front against your kids aye like I'd hate I'd hate

anyone point scoring with their kids against their partner that's aye I would I would really really really hate

like if at one point like I'm just I'm just in this office or wherever, my kids are 10 or 13 years old, and one of them comes in and goes, oh, Dad, can I have my friends over today? And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, sure. And then I go back in and Karen's like,

I said no. And I'm like, fuck, I'm the weak one. Fuck, I'm the one they go to when she says no. Fuck, no. I want to be the strong one. Shit. You didn't want to be the pushover one

I just wanted to be good it's so I need my kids to like me no you don't they'll love you that's enough

I'd be nice if they liked you so I didn't I didn't mean to rush too far ahead because you've only just proposed and you were talking

to good kids did it go to plan the way we discussed it you ended up in the woods so we went out so

you fucked off and then went back in gave the nod to like Troy

just being like right I'm going to take 10 minutes you go to the shops he went off ahead

and anyone that didn't listen to the last podcast Troy was the photographer of the occasion aye so and it was like

remember last week it was like fucking raining a bit and it wasn't ideal weather which is now like we live in Scotland like I'm you can't be waiting for the weather you can't wait for the fucking weather

but you know there are people out there not Cara but who would you know there are male and female not Cara but who would you know there are male and female

who wake up and propose to be like couldn't wait for a fucking sunny day like this wasn't a really picturesque moment I had some of those not

like those days being like oh god okay should I wait until the sun comes out a little bit and then we got outside and she was jumping in puddles

being like I love the rain and I'm like aye alright well this is the right decision in both aspects of now and also the person. And you've got to remember as well,

your lass is on Instagram and she's got an Instagram, but she's not an Instagram person. Aye. It's not like Instagram versus reality. No. Like, Instagram has authenticity.

Aye. You're not going to get the, you're not going to get the backlash if the sun isn't shining. Aye, aye. She wasn't going to make us do a fucking going to get the backlash if the sun isn't shining aye aye she wasn't going to she wasn't going to make us do a fucking photo shoot

at the top of the mountain aye hill anyway so we're going through the so that morning I'd asked her to buy champagne and she hadn't done that

so that was already a spanner in the fucking works then we're walking through the field and she was just like she's never asked before she's like I wonder where Troy is and I'm like

why don't you not think about it like you've never thought about where Troy is for the past week why don't you not think about it like you've never thought about where Troy is for the past week I don't know why suddenly I didn't say any of this obviously but I'm just like oh

he's probably just out of the shops don't worry about it should we go up the hill and she goes yes we go up the hill and I what's funny is she might have said that

in general conversation in a previous like I wonder where Troy is and you're like normally you would have just went I don't know but now you're just like why

did what's the question I did I did just go I don't know but in you're just like why did what's the question no no I did just go I don't know but in my head I'm like fuck it I've got to try and lead her away from this conversation

as if she was like oh well he's clearly kind of going to hell waiting for us to propose so we go up the hill we're just having a laugh the entire time as well

and I tell her about the the love letters that I have right now and she's laughing and I have where have you put she's laughing and I'm happy. Where have you put them, by the way? What?

You'll never get them. I've got to try harder than that, mate. So I explained them to her. I gave them to her. Because it was raining and she wanted to read the letters. So in a perfect moment. I mean, is Creole not waterproof? Well, I was like, those aren't teardrops, by the way. It's just the rain. It's just the rain. so in a perfect moment I mean is Creole not waterproof well aye

I was like those aren't teardrops by the way it's just the rain it's just the rain get up Troy's hiding in the bushes she's not paying attention and also Troy is used to

hiding in bushes and I hand her the things she goes under the tree turns around and I'm like fucking perfect she's looking the other direction

so I wave to fucking Troy I get down on one knee knee in a fucking puddle and she's looking the other direction so I wave to fucking Troy I get down on one knee knee in a fucking puddle and she's under the tree reading letters and I'm just like perfect she's going to turn around

and it's going to be beautiful she's going to be amazed she's going to say yes it's going to be great but she's engrossed in reading at this point she's not even reading the card she's trying to find a dry place

under a tree but she's just being cat about the whole thing like she's going I'm going to do it oh no the entire time facing the wrong direction

and I don't mean to be derogatory when I say this but it was just like you let your dog off the leash aye aye

she starts running around the park sniffing at trees sniffing at trees pissing on some of them trying to see if the flower's edible aye

to the point where I was in the puddle for a literal 30-40 seconds of just my knee in a fucking puddle and you couldn't go to where she was in the puddle for literal 30 40 seconds of just my knee in a fucking puddle and you couldn't go

to where she was to go on one knee because then you would be able to shot the camera well I oh but I was already down I'm not

not getting down on one knee twice mate you do it once in your life you crawled no no you crawled over I stayed I stayed exactly

where I was I stayed exactly where I was and I went are you going to make us crawl are you going to make us crawl will you marry us my exact words

after 40 seconds were Cara could you fucking turn around please and she went what full 360 chasing her tail turned all the way around and then cried

I mean she says that she said of course I was there and I wasn't caught off guard so my memory of the situation is way better than hers lucid aye

I think her memory of the situation is here's what happened right she got some love letters she read them under a tree they were all beautiful she turned round and there was me

wind swept and went rain on one knee rolling around like a footballer feigning injury aye like Neymar in a fucking semi-final desperate three nil down

trying to get a free kick killing time killing time raining down the clock aye Troy's doing the VAR decision over there. And I say, Cara, I love you. You're my moon.

You're my sun. Will you marry me? She says, yes. She jumps into my arm. And what actually happened was she looked at the ring. She cried. She went, oh my God.

Really off guard. Grabbed the ring like Gollum without saying the word yes. Screwed up. Put it on her ring. I was talking to her and I was like, Cara, I'm laughing the whole time because obviously that's a yes. Very ballsy move. All theft. Ballsy move if she puts it on and just goes, hmm.

Not for me, but I like this. And then yeets it away but that's not what happened eventually I was like Cara you do have to say yes she was like I said yes I was like

you did not say yes and then Troy came over because we're hugging and stuff and she's not seen Troy did I have to say yes well yeah I asked the question

because then technically Natalie still hasn't but you didn't ask the question will you marry me I said what do you reckon and what did she say nah

well but that's what it was it was like a shock because you know why I mean we're talking about this on the podcast shortly after it happened but to recap

I hadn't thought this through because you would say will you marry me but that's not how I speak I would say will you marry me? But that's not how I speak. I would say, will you marry us? Because that's how Geordie speak. Will you marry us? I couldn't say, will you marry us? I couldn't

say, will you marry me? Because it sounded like a fucking sat-nav. Will you marry me? It's like, sorry. Spare left. Will you marry me? I couldn't bring myself. Will you marry me? Fuck off. Alright, me lover, will you marry me? I couldn't bring myself. Yeah marry me like a chimney sweep off all right me lover will you marry me yeah will you marry us who so i am i panicked so what do you reckon

because like i had to say something yeah she'd let out like a no like a gasp of astonishment well i think the putting on the ring is there like you agreed to that maybe she didn't say yes i can't remember like it all unfolds so fast innit so yours is fresh in your mind but so you were like just say yes

just to conclude this tradition this age old tradition I stood up we hugged and kissed and I pointed at Troy but like

it's really funny because like some of the photos are really really like nice they capture the moment there's one the first photos are very funny because

Cara has picked the one point on this fucking hill to stand behind a tree so to me it just looks like I'm proposing to mother nature like I'm literally down on one knee just being like fuck it we've used oil for too long will you forgive us and then Troy realises this and when she's not

paying attention she's hugging me and comes around to take more photos but then clearly I point Troy out. Have you ever seen And then Troy realises this and when she's not paying attention she's hugging me. He comes round to take more photos. But then clearly I point Troy out. Have you ever seen hidden camera shows on the public? Oh no. Have you ever seen and there's always the bit where the mark and the member of the public

they finally find out that they were part and there's that bit where they point out all the cameras. Isn't there a Belt or Auntie Donna sketch of that? Yes. So there's exactly that shot as well. There's three beautiful proposal photos and then there's just me, like I'm on Just For Laughs, the Montreal series.

And we've got cameras there. We've got cameras there. This was all a prank. I didn't mean a fucking word about you. You absolute mug. Ashton Kutcher comes down from the tree you've been pugs bitch anyway here's your sister

and aye and then and Troy was Troy was great we were walking back so we had to do we did one bit where he was like look I missed the initial shot do you want to do a fake one of you on one knee again? We were like,

yeah, fucking why not? So the ones where she's like... One behind the tree and one not behind the tree. I thought you'd just be following around everywhere. The one where we're both laughing and taking the piss was

both of us laughing and taking the piss in that one there. And then Troy takes my photos lets us sort of walk away, lets us have a moment, but we all live in the same house, there's one point where we're just like alright well we'll just walk back together and celebrate, and Cara's looking at her ring the entire time like a fucking magpie

and Troy just goes, honestly obviously very happy for you, like congratulations and Troy's, he's good he's loving but he's loving, but he's, you know, he's a bit more reserved with his emotions and stuff. But he does go, I'm really happy for you guys. I do think it was kind of a dick move, though, to get me to take photos with Raposo when I just broke up with my girlfriend last week.

No! I completely forgot. I completely forgot I completely forgot like literally the week before you're an asshole he'd come up well Colin's not going

to take the photos is he just sat him down made him watch Jigsaw made him break up with his girlfriend get your camera love and I was like

come take a you said you want to do some nature photos I don't know any hippopotamuses in the area but I do know one massive hypocrite is there any for any chance you wantuses in the area but I do know one massive hypocrite is there any chance

you want to take a photo with this to me? happy fiancé, just call yourself a fiancé? We do yeah I did yeah just because it's fun to say for them and it's also like

her time of being my girlfriend is over that girlfriend thing and obviously the wife is love the John Mulaney bit my girlfriend my wife yeah so

using the word fiancé oh yeah yeah when have you had the opportunity to use it you're in lockdown is it just like are you are you

just to no no we've not I've really she's not gone is she no so so if I've not actually described her as my fiancée

to someone else yet or introduced her as that it's just I think book flights is if you go like me and my fiancée when you're there with

like the give and take type in your name Daniel Sloss passport number blah blah blah partner's name my fiancée passportoss, passport number, blah, blah, blah. Partner's name, my fiancé. Passport number, my passport number plus one, I assume.

That's how it works, right? All right, so we've not managed to describe his fiancé yet. But this is a fun bit. Being engaged is dead nice. It's been a really like fun I mean me and Cara never fucking argued anyway but it's been a really like blissful week and a half you know because people are people you love all the people in your life that you love are so fucking happy for you people get invested in it in a good relationship people get really invested in a good

relationship what I didn't fucking well not that I didn't fucking appreciate it, right? And people... I know engagement cards, right? They're just mass-produced. They're not going to be fucking custom. But so many of them were just like being like, oh, about time, about time. I'm like, we've technically been in a relationship

for less than two years. That's a quick engagement. None of this... That's not a fucking... And I know I won't be doing the entire family tree so if you count that... I was getting

there. I was being thorough. Not even a monkey hole is under the first branch that they're swinging on.

You've got to move. It's not about the destination it's about the journey. So you were getting about

time ones? We got one or two about time ones but favourite bit of it has been though that's like getting your old bastard

type card for like a one year old ah you old oh you're getting grey now you're like a fire extinguisher on the candles it's fucking one

what are you talking about one of the things I do really appreciate that some people have done is her parents have done it, her best friends have done it and what they've done is they've really deleted a conversation that we needed to have. Jill bought Cara some

shot glasses that were to the future Mr and Mrs Sloss her parents got her a balloon that says to the future Mr and Mrs Sloss and I scot or a balloon that says to the future Mr and Mrs Sloss and I'm like good that's that conversation over

is that conversation over it didn't get met with any resistance no I'm not going to be like I'm opening fire ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage

Daniel Mitchell Daniel Mitchell Sloss he's one of those men oh which by the way that has to that has to stop after one generation you can't have like

fucking Callum Hudson and Doyle Smith row like he's getting married to that's a child having a

having a child together oh god Romeo and Juliet Hudson and Doyle and fucking Adam not Adam Smith row Paul Smith Adam row Paul Smith-Adam Rowe.

Paul Smith-Adam Rowe. Is that not... Wait, it's Smith-Rowe. Emile Smith-Rowe. Is that not Adam Rowe and Paul Smith-Sung? Child, yeah. Right. That makes sense.

From Have a Water. From Hot Word Podcast. Well, it's not a blind spot, but it's not a blind spot but it's one of those points that can be contentious as to who you're fucking talking to is the issue of the second name Now had Cara

been like a balls to the walls feminist and she was like it's very important for me to keep my second name and all this stuff I'd be like aha aha and then I'd slowly wear her down over the next three years. Yeah. Because, because,

and I mean this in the nicest way possible, right? Fucking how many slosses do you know? Outside of my family. Aye, I was going to just come off your family. Aye, aye, aye. I don't know anymore.

How many, how many, how many? Weak bloodline doesn't really get passed on. Natural selection really does its thing. One or two, you slipped in there, Martin. Aye, aye aye but Martin produced three boys so

so you want the team name aye well how many Mitchells do you know aye Grant, Phil

loads aye Peggy there's enough fucking Mitchells Peggy Mitchell Peggy Mitchell is that a coincidence well I mean yeah did you knock out a Peggy Mitchells Peggy Mitchell Piggy Mitchell is that a coincidence

well I mean yeah did you not call her Piggy because of Peggy Mitchell no no you don't call her Peggy Mitchell

and then it turned to Piggy Mitchell no no she was Piggy to begin with because there's not even a good fucking story

the reason I called her Piggy is because she's fat she blows her own shit some say that she's got the intelligence similar to that

of a dog her pussy tastes like bacon that she's got the intelligence similar to that of a dog. Her pussy tastes like naked. And she's a snitch. No, it's because she's sweet. Because when she's down there it looks like she's snuffling for troubles. It's actually because of her

little fucking trotters. And her curly tail tail She's just called Peggy Because one time Back when we were shagging in secret Well I was She's squealing now She's baking me crazy I just

You know the shaving a haircut two bits Shaving a haircut two bits? Shave and a haircut two bits. What's that mean? You know that tune? I know the tune. What's that shave and a haircut two bits? Shave and a haircut two bits.

I don't know. It's from like the fucking 30s. I think it was like an advert or radio advert. Then shave and a haircut two bits. Okay. Because you have two bits for it. That's, I only know that's where the that tune comes from i don't know why they're the etymology of it but it is shaving a haircut two bits is the tune i promise you right i'm learning but with a with an ounce of being dubious

you've asked me where i pulled this fact from i don't know you know those facts that are just in your head you don't know where they're from And then the minute someone questions it's a fact, you also question it's a fact. You go. But you go, but it got in there. So I, like, I'm pretty sure I had those questions too, and I assume I asked them, but I can't remember any of the answers.

So I just went, I was spanking her bum, I went, big slut, and I was just calling her big slut. And she went, did you just call me a pig slut? And I was like, yep. Yep. Yep, 100%. Oink, oink. Yeah, so just that, you just call me a pig slut and I was like yep yep 100% oink oink yeah so just

her nickname after that was pig slut so I just called her my little pig slut because it was a relationship that was very much in and then for a while on here

on this very podcast we've protected her identity and the only editing that I've ever really done is putting piggy over the top of Cara's name now if it was this podcast

I'd be fucking on for hours aye so if if Cara did want to keep her second name I'd be like that's she's got a fair point

it is outdated I don't have I don't have any arguments I don't have any good arguments for her not taking my second name outside of yeah but I wanna

that's it that's my only argument is oh but come on that's the only argument I have thankfully she's not made me bring that forward she's happy to be a sloss that's my only argument is oh but come on that's the only argument I have thankfully she's not made me

bring that forward she's happy to be a sloss and you know I think she's a traditionalist in that sense I think Natalie wouldn't want us

to have a backbone in our life she'd say yeah man I want to marry a man and our times are changing but can you just be a bloke man

well because I think because we have had a it's not really a compromise but in the future when we have kids in school I want on the birth certificate the kids to be slosses

but in everything else in school and everything they sign up for Mitchells just because I don't want them to have my second name in public places because I just don't want who I am to affect them either positively or negatively. I don't want them to be in a fucking class

and for the teacher to register and be like, oh, Brian Sloss. Oh, your dad must be... I don't want them to live in my shadow in any sort of aspects of that. So, in school they'll be Mitchells, but on the paper slosses. That's almost

more hassle for them. It's to get the head around that and to understand that and explain it to people. Actually, maybe still highlight it more. Maybe. Now that you've seen your names, if your name was a bit more if my second name

was Mitchell if your second name was less unique it wouldn't be a problem but maybe maybe he's over thinking it I don't know no

well because Matthew and Jack they've never had a they've never had a negative well I don't know I don't think they've had any negative experiences

through being my younger brother outside of me beating the shit out of them and just being a bad big brother in some instances but like I know when they go to uni and stuff like it definitely younger brother outside of me beating the shit out of them and just being a bad big brother in some instances but

like I know when they go to uni and stuff like it definitely definitely fucking affects them you go oh you're his you're his younger brother yeah uh huh

oh what's he like and they're going I came to university to be my own fucking person not explain yeah I didn't and talk about who my fucking

my personality is not who I'm related to it's me myself but maybe it's a myself. But maybe it's a fucking long shot, but they might be proud of you Aye

It's a long shot, but they might not want to shy away from it Well, that's the thing, is with the kids, it'll be their choice when they're older and old enough to make the decision, I say look, if you want to be a sloss great, I'd love you I you want to be a sloss, great. I'd love you.

I mean, you are a sloss, obviously, on fucking paper. But if you want to publicly be a sloss, that's your decision to make. But I'm not going to force that decision on them. Like,

especially... Stephen Kingston going by Hill. Aye. Aye, just, you know, yeah, just a sort of pseudonym.

If they want to be slosses, if at the age of 13, they're like, don't give a shit, I think it's very cool. Fair enough. And they're also, Mitch was a fucking piss-weak second name.

I'd be like, you know what? That's what I fucking said. I knew you were my son. Mitchell's like a two-bit gangster, isn't it? Aye. He's Stender's gangster. Gangster that gets rolled over. Aye.

You often think there's a lot of, you think there's like one Mitchell gang in the world. There's actually's a lot of you think there's like one Mitchell gang in the world there's actually just a lot of Mitchells whose gang lasts about six months

and then they all die and then another one pops up and they go oh you'll be the same gang they're like sure we'll just coast off that's why everyone

thinks the Smith gang's big I'm actually in Blythe I'm from a big family but like we had because we may have been Humphreys that's a really small family

like that's me grandad came over from Stockport with the name Humphreys had two kids one had three kids one had one kid that's the Humphreys line

and like obviously the next generation's next like my cousin's kid my sister's kid so it's a small family tree that's it but from my mum's side

if you keep following it, it gains up and becomes massive. From Metcalfe, like the name Metcalfe is the one that's the big name, like the bigger name. And when I would go to my great-grandma's house, my mum's mum, mama, we'll call her mama. Is that the term? No, no.

I would call great-grandma mama, and I just thought mama meant great-grandma. Everyone's got a different name for their grandparents and anything older like pappy or something for me it was yeah it was for my great grandparents

it was nana and papa like that's I think that's the cool thing about being a grandad is you do just get to fucking pick your name like if you're a dad

you're dad you don't get to pick another you don't get to if you're a mum you're a mum but You don't get to pick another. If you're a mum, you're a mum. But when you have grandkids, which would you be cool with? I'm pop pop. Pop pop, big gramps. Big J.

Aye. So it may... Grandmaster... Dad? Grandmaster dad? Gramp Master General. That might be mine. Gramp Master General. Grampel Stillskin? In the Metcalfe house, the photos on the walls, right,

would just be, like, people that I knew. Like, oh, I got bullied off here. I used to fancy here. And it would be like, oh, no. Oh, no. Like, it would be like walking into a fucking CSI fucking

strings on the board to known associates and find out that I'm connected to literally everyone in this town and you're just going fuck okay

who can I fuck I'm going to have to dip outside of this gene pool if you don't mind I'll just be over here alright you know man

you're like you're definitely not Humphreys are you Greenpool, if you don't mind, I'll just be over here. I'm like, you know, man. You're like, you're definitely not Humphreys, are you? This is something about my hometown. I couldn't really handle blive lasses, so I had to go with someone from Glasgow. Let that sink in. Do you know the history, the etymology of the name Humphreys? Like, obviously, slothoth means fight and I know that

comes from when the Vikings settled so I assume it's a clan no idea and obviously Smith is for people who used to be blacksmiths and bullies look it up

have a little have a little google of the etymology of Humphreys I know that my first name which I've probably mentioned this before it's one of my little anecdotes

from my back pocket is my mum was reading a book called Secret Sorrow name which I've probably mentioned this before it's one of my little anecdotes from my back pocket is my mum was reading a book called Secret Sorrow, a Milton Boone book and there was an Amy and a Kai I think it was a book about abortion, I haven't read it yet fucking there you go

if I was a girl I was Amy and because I'm a boy I'm Kai, the Kai in the book is Chinese so I'm named after a Chinese misogynist Humphreys etymology And because I'm a boy, I'm Kai. The Kai in the book is Chinese, so I'm named after a Chinese misogynist. Okay. Humphreys, etymology. Yes.

Well, there's a good explanation there, but... Okay, I'll read this out word for word. Humphreys, patronymic from Humphrey, introduced by the Normans, who were... I learned this from Eddie Hazard the other week. You've heard of the Normans who were I learned this from Eddie Hazard the other week you've heard of the Normans historically yeah the Norman conquest is coming up from France

yes right and they beat the Saxons and that was the 1066 Battle of Hastings and the invasion but where Norman comes from is the Normans, the French Normans actually descended themselves from Vikings as's at the Normans the French Normans actually descended

themselves from Vikings as well but the Norseman Northman went down became Normans so the Vikings came Saxons come through

the UK the Normans come through France the men at the bottom of the UK I'll butcher the history here oh yeah absolutely the men at the bottom

of the UK duked it out and Normans prevailed well no no Normans went down. Well, no, no. Normans went down through Norway, down the side, and then eventually came into what is now France, and that was Normandy, which is still... Normandy is still in France there,

but that's where that came from. That was their area. So they were... And this is post-Roman? Yes. Oh! I don't know if it's fully post-Roman. 1066 feels like it's post-Roman.

Oh, 1066, it's definitely post-Roman. 1066 feels like it's post-Roman. Oh, 1066 is definitely post-Roman. But Normans, I think, started existing from the 300 or 400s onwards. They had a long 700-year stint. Anyway, so, Normans. I love how stupid we are. No, no, just we don't have all the necessary information. So, it's composed of the elements bear cub and peace. Humphrey.

So, composed of the... So, oh, that's it. So, composed of the elements hun. I'm reading what it says. I'm reading what it says. Composed of the element hun, which means bear cub, and frid, which means peace. So, it would have been Han Frid, Han Frid, and slowly over years became Humphreys.

So peaceful bear. Peaceful bear cub. You're not a full bear. It says specifically there, bear cub. Where does this? It's not grown up. The bear cub hasn't grown up. It sounds like it's mature.

No, no. It's certainly not. Big old grizzly. That's not what it says. the bear cub hasn't grown up it sounds like it's mature no no it's certainly big old grizzly that's not what it says that does make very funny that Gav chose the name grizzly

grizzly bear aye so peaceful bear cub so you're a teddy bear that's what your second name means a peaceful bear cub you're a fucking builder bear

that's what you are no I'm a ferocious no you're a peaceful bear cub aye but didn't want to wake the ferocious beast

inside of us you know what happens to a peaceful bear cub if it's poked it has a great time it's got a tickly little belly so anyway

like powerful beast that's enough between us aye apex predator so anyway like powerful beast that's what it means apex predator predator sure beast so aye

like aye one of nature's finest animals sure but like but like with youthful vigour. That's good.

I do like the etymology of names because I do, especially when you talk to anyone from Scandinavia, like they've just got the fucking best surnames in the world. Remember... Oh, fucking Thunder Bear or something. We knew a girl, her second name translated to Thunder Bear's daughter

is her name in Norwegian but Nars is just like your dad's always cool Thunder Bear's daughter this is amazing does he know

any of the Thundercats he does is that where they came from we know the Normans started in France

but were the Thundercats were they more Norwegian so aye back to right but were the Thundercats, were they more Norwegian? So, aye. Back to, right, retrace this conversation back. We're still talking about the proposal.

Yeah, that's what we're getting to, yeah. And we'll reverse back. When you get married, it's just going to be Caraslos. It's going to take a second name, aye. Caraslos. Caraslos, aye. second name I Cara's loss Cara's loss aye and well I mean and it's

it's it's it's it's great fun being engaged the one thing that Cara is not finding the best thing

in the world is just the fact that because we're in lockdown I don't we want a full wedding right and we're willing to wait for it as well

I wanted to talk to you about this how are you doing guest list are you you're doing it in Scotland right? So you can have a day time and you can have an evening so you can have a wedding party with your nearest and dearest and then you can invite people that you know from your travels. Like good friends that you'd like to see on your big day but you obviously can't have 300 people in a church. Not that you're going to get on your big day. Aye. But you obviously can't have 300 people in a church. Aye. Not that you're going to get married in a church. No, no. The fucking lightning would strike that day.

So you get, because maybe abroad I had to have like, I couldn't have even and do guest list. Yes. So you're going to have massive even and do. Well, we don't know yet, but yes. The two parts where me and Cara sort of are disagreeing is on the size of the wedding. Because she was like, I know a lot of people. Cara's got her family and friends,

and if I had a similar size to hers, we'd be able to have a really lovely medium-sized wedding. But because I've got so many comedian friends that I've known over the years, people, you know, all my agents, all my friends, all our fucking peers, school friends and whatever, who are now also all Cara's friends as well.

We've got this big thing. And I don't want to, you know, your wedding was amazing, but I know that you had very, very difficult decisions to make because you were going overseas. There was somebody you just couldn't invite. Do you know how it was with ours, right?

We had to write a list of who would like to be there, right? And then if you looked at each other's list and you go, oh, I don't know that person at all. They're like, oh, but it's such and such's partner. And you're like, yeah, but I'd much rather have this friend of mine who I've known all my life come than somebody's partner coming as a plus one.

So we actually had to trim down couples, which might have been thrown apart in some circles. But we needed to be in a situation where we could turn around and there wouldn't be a single stranger you're like look we've been together eight years now if i haven't met someone well a half then we're not really that integrated with that person so so there was a little bit of that and also like there was a bit of oh if i invite say this comedian who i'd love to be there that means i've got to invite this 20 to 30 comedians who I'd see on the same level of friendship so you had to like trim it right down and it meant that there was people who I'd love to have been at your wedding that couldn't be there just for

the one the size of the venue I'm wanting to go the other way it was exponentially when you start inviting more people all right and that's the advantage we have in a Scotland wedding is also I've said to Kara's like there's the other way it grows exponentially when you start inviting more people and that's the advantage we have of doing a Scotland wedding is also I've said to Cara there's so many invites

I'm like I promise you a bunch of them won't come because it's in Scotland it just doesn't make sense for the travel over but I'd still rather I'd like to give people the option to say no

and let them know that they were invited you know that we were thinking about them and we did want them to come yeah mine was harsh because there's a lot of people from your Concordia life working at the sports centre You know, we were thinking about them and we did want them to come. Yeah, mine was harsh because there's a lot of people from your Concordia life working at the sports centre

who I want to invite, but Natalie didn't know any of them. So there was like a whole period of my life. Because you've got to remember as well, it's not your birthday party, it's your wedding. It's like yours and hers day and it's your life together that's been celebrated. So there was a little bit of regret for me that those people

yeah yeah that you didn't get to share the day with I know I mean not everyone's going to be fucking happy with that I guarantee we will fucking forget people but I also don't want it to be a well in fact we don't know I'll not go into any details because we don't know what it's going to be yet we just know but we also can't really

plan it yet because obviously you want to to get a venue you have to be able to go to the venue to look at the venue to decide that's the venue that you fucking want then you gotta try the foods and the drinks and all these things so we're in this exciting period now where we're just engaged like this is brilliant but also we can't really start the planning until things start to open again uh which is, which is fine. Also, like, you know, the problem is with finances.

Our budgets for the wedding are very different. Compared to what you want it to be. Well, no, because my, yeah, yeah. Because Cara's like,

she's like, let's not spend a stupid amount of money for no reason. I was like, absolutely. A hundred, I don't, I'm not going to spend money on stuff that we don't need I don't want it to be fucking

I don't want it to be like a fucking celebrity wedding where it's like look at all these expensive things we brought up but on the other side of things I'm like

but let's also not skimp on some shit you don't want to be cutting corners like if there's one point where we go they go okay this bit's going to be

slightly more expensive because you've got this many guests in that moment we just go right we increase the budget then especially if I'm working again like i'm trying to explain to kind of like she's like we don't need to spend that much and i'm like but what else is what else is money for if it's not for our wedding day like if there's if this is the one big you know thing

where i get to you know sink in there i want to pay pay for the bar just go fuck it let's do it see that that's the thing if you're if you're talking about where your budget's going to go, I think, like, if you, like, how much better is it to be that you spend a lot of money behind the bar than on, like, big balloon arches and you're naming lights and flowers, and it's nice to have them decorations,

but fucking if you're buying everyone a pint instead. I think she's right. Everyone has different ideas, doesn't it? Yeah, and and you know you need to find that balance and that is the key bit

finding the balance and just going right you know what do we want and there's no point arguing over anything the second one of us

gets passionate about a point we're like alright good if it means that much to you then of course if it's that important

to you let's not have any of this I want to have a LAN party playing Halo with my friends in the lobby

I mean that wouldn't cost that much though realistically let's actually talk about the finances of that because all you need

all you actually need what do I do no no all you need is you need one separate room which will be fine and then you need

about 4 TVs maybe like 72 inch TVs I've got one of those right I'm sure the venue will probably have it's a venue

they'll have big screen TVs do the TVs need to be that big though for people to watch no no no if you're doing if you're doing a LAN party it's 16 players innit so you need to do

four player split screen so it needs to be a big enough screen there and then it's the price of four Xboxes but I've got one and by the time this wedding's

happening other people will have ones I mean it's not a bad idea it wouldn't cost that much but you are

playing an Xbox on your wedding day which is your perfect day on your perfect day when you have a lad party well

I want a longer not necessarily a longer wedding but I want a fucking long not necessarily a longer wedding, but I want a fucking long weekend sort of one, which is, you know, wedding on the Saturday, but we and friends and family and close friends get there on the Wednesday or Thursday

and it's just hanging out at the place. Do you know, I saw a van for that, like it was somebody's own business in London and the van had like print on and stuff and it was for like FIFA parties and that

for birthday parties what a great idea so I think you you might not need to do the logistics of it you might just need to book a guy Cara is listening

to this podcast right now and going no no not on the wedding day but if you're making a weekend of it

aye for the day yeah yeah it's not for the wedding day it if you're making a weekend of it yeah yeah it's not for the wedding day it's for the fucking the Wednesday Thursday I also I mean we'll plan it

and we'll leave some things as a but again it's not your birthday party it's your wedding day is she interested in Halo no but she absolutely

is interested in other fucking multiplayer games like it's you know you connect it's a LAN party it's not just for Halo there's other games that she would play

em I love that do you want to skate park and I'll done it well get get bouncy castles definitely bouncy castles

you've got to have imagine I wanted to be fucking oh my god last time you had a bouncy castle me and Rick

it's nearly snap each other's necks doing jiu jitsu aye you gotta let in all honesty bouncy castles

are a really really good way to deal with toxic masculinity sometimes you give a bouncy castle to a group of 20 male friends

and they'll get all of their testosterone out on it like if I if I have a fucking if I have a if I have a bouncy castle near my wedding and anyone's getting too drunk and they're get all of their testosterone out on it. Like, if I have a fucking... If I have a bouncy castle near my wedding, and anyone's getting too drunk,

and they're just getting a bit... You go, right. Bouncy castle now. You're getting tombstoned. You're getting two stones, right? You're getting two fucking... Tombstoned, I say. Oh!

You're getting two stones. You're getting two stones. How much of a nut are you going to be? You're getting two stones. Off you go. On to the thing. I'm not sending you to the corner I'm sending you

to the bouncy castle jump around for a bit get that energy out off you pop do you think your wedding is going to be one of those that no one remembers because of Al Hammond

Brett and Mary everyone just remembers snapshots of Brett and Mary which were so fucking wrecked which is why we have the Thursday and the Sunday as well right

so you've got the you know the days when oh then you're gonna have that vibe you had on your birthday where like didn't you tuck it out before the

oh well like your fucking wedding huh well your wedding where we literally had to put you to bed the night before because you hadn't

gotten to sleep like there was one point there was just one point where every single male and I'm sure all the girls but it was the men's jobs because you know uh you're the groom we're like right at 9 p.m tonight nobody offer kai another drink don't let him buy another fucking drink don't you give him cigarettes if he wants them but that's

all he's allowed at that point and then we all just like a you know when toddler you like if you're having a party you want a baby a to go to bed, you just pretend that everyone's tired. Like, oh, I guess we're all going to bed now. We have to do that with you. Oh, everyone's off to their bed now. God, you might as well. It was the night before, not the night before the wedding, where we were at the venue in Formentera.

Right, so it was the night before that, the wedding eve, where we stayed in the port in Ibiza. So basically, my mum and dad had went to bed and said, what time are we meeting for breakfast? And I was like, it gives a ring at like half past nine, ten o'clock, I'll meet you for breakfast. And then I ended up fucking up in somebody's room with a bunch of gear, where I don't know where we got that from, but we're in Ibiza.

And we ran out of gear, ran out of cigarettes, we got that from but we're in a bifa right and we ran out of gear ran out of cigarettes right and there's like four of us left right and I got out of the balcony with my last tab

right and I look up and there's just this fucking bloke there and he says hello to us and I started chatting with him I was like is that weed you're smoking

he was like I had you on some of it I was like fucking get on down here perfect end of the night have a spliff right so I'm fucking having a spliff with this bloke

Chico he's called and he started talking about how the fucking in the nightclubs the door staff are dicks because he kept grabbing women and the door staff

kept grabbing them off and all that and he starts talking like this and I'm just saying come and do it off me gear drunk as fuck right there's me and two lads right looking at each other like

should we chin this cunt aye should we chin this cunt this isn't this isn't the conversation of somebody who smokes marijuana nah these fucking guys wouldn't let me be a pervert like should we chin this cunt aye should we chin this cunt this isn't this isn't the conversation of somebody who smokes marijuana nah

these fucking guys wouldn't let me be a pervert this is some bullshit oh he thought he'd found his audience oh and we're like no

and I just I just took a spliff and just went Chico mate you've gotta go aye he's like excuse me what

I was like there's the fucking door man Chico get the fuck out of here he just left and I had his spliff I was like where there's the fucking door, man. Chico, get the fuck out of here. He just left and I had his spliff. I was like, where have I got his spliff? And then shortly after the spliff, when we were fucking chatting about what just happened, my phone rings.

It's my dad. He's going, time we're meeting for breakfast? I look at what he watched half past nine. Fuck! Fuck! Girl! And I just fucking, you know what I did? Splashed a bit of water on my face,

pulled my stuff together, went and had breakfast with my family. And Natalie rings us. She's a bit stressed. She's with her family on a different part of Ibiza. And I'm trying to organise the day with her for a meeting at the ferry port. And she couldn't understand what I was saying on the phone.

And she's like, you've gone too Geordie. And then she phoned me. It's because I hadn't been to bed. And she was like, she was trying Geordie and then she phoned me it's because I hadn't been to bed and she was like she was trying her best not to be mad at us she was like she was furious

but she was like not gonna let it out I'm not gonna let it out look I'll be mad at him if he fucks up he's just on the path to fucking up and you know what

I feel like I represented that day I had a lot of people turning up that day and I had a good time with everyone I had like a nice chat and a nice beer and a bit of dinner and I had a good time with everyone I had like a nice chat and a nice beer

and a bit of dinner and I fucking got on the ferry and I didn't whitey like Matty and then we get over there and by about

9.30 this is the night before we went and still haven't been to bed he'll come up and he'll be like you should probably get out of bed soon

I'm going to take you back to your room we'll have a spliff get you to bed and all that and I was like alright so good go to bed soon I'm going to take you back to your room we'll have a spliff get you to bed and all that and I was like alright so good idea Daniel

you're a good friend and then fucking Barry comes up and went we should get you to bed soon and I was like alright mate alright

put us to bed and then fucking Milo come up and went we should get you to bed I'm going to start fucking swinging in a minute

if one more person tries to put me to bed I'm on a bit of just staying up I'll eat just to fucking be just fucking eating my tits in this and come and tuck his head and there's a story If one more person tries to put me in your bed, I'm on a verge of staying up all night just to fucking be...

Just fucking deem me titsy in this and come and tuck you in. It's a story of fucking cowards. Anyway, I went straight to bed. Slept in. Did you? I was going to say. Yeah, me and Natalie slept in the same bed that night

because our nice tradition, Natalie, but wanted to get me underway. Fair enough. Earned it. Earned it. After all the sacrifices you'd made consummated the consummated the marriage before it even started

jeez what are you waiting for God's permission you wait until he's watching like a cack I always go that's the one I've got coke dick

it's the mission keeping it up so anyway that what brought that on what led with that this wedding show isn't it

on the wedding night you didn't want to you didn't want to go on too hard the night before because you know you can't be your hero

oh man somebody on the other end of the fucking stream mentioned that they're like it must be like an American thing or maybe it's not

American but they're like oh so do you guys do the stag do just the night before the wedding and you go no real man

does that you can't yeah you can't get on the sesh with soppit and then get married the next

day like you've got shit friends if you can do that unless you're sober right which is the only simulation but it's okay and then get married the next day. Like, you've got shit friends, if you can do that. Unless you're sober, right, which is the only stipulation, but it's okay.

There's no reason ever as to why you're stagged or you should be the right before the fucking... What a psycho... It's just from the movie Hangover. And it was the one that made no sense to British people. Like, we'll accept this as a movie concept. A plot hole. Aye, but no one in their right fucking mind who knows,

who's spent a lot of time with other men because, you know what, lads? Tomorrow, I'm getting... Kai, tomorrow I'm getting married, right? And I'm just having my start today. So any chance you'll be able to just take it easy on me just because I want to make sure I'm up at ten for a bit. You still have a beer the night before.

You still have... Get on it you fucking cowards it's not a good it's not wait a minute it's not a good buy but it's also

like I sort of think the stag do is like hang on it boys I'm gonna have to start this will be the last one before I have to start asking permission so let's

and then also it's like you've got a bat signal that you can put in the sky you've got this like you can get everyone together and toxic masculinity does exist, what you can do

is put it in a container and let it blow off fucking steam in a pressure cooker it's a controlled explosion somebody left a bit of luggage in the airport, right, we're not saying it's bad, but we're not taking any fucking risks Sully brought a sock back we're gonna go over there

and we're gonna fucking explode it calm everyone down get rid of the danger aye so erm yeah you're probably

gonna get fucked up like I'm aware you're just gonna have to brace yourself aye well I'm just not gonna have a best man

I was talking to someone the other day I was like it literally doesn't to have a best man I was talking to someone the other day I was like it literally doesn't matter who his best man is I'll speak it if he's winning if I

want I don't care for these titles he's going to fucking stop me the man who fought all of his fights for the

past 10 years you reckon he's going to stop me from fucking saying something I've only got one request from a 10 years you reckon he's going to stop me from fucking saying something aye so I've only got one request

from a stack can Matty not be there aye well just from a distance we'll let him watch aye alright we can FaceTime him

aye yeah I'll just give him binoculars well he's got his own from any from any media here

at the school right Not his own. From any media here at the school. I've got some things to say about your dad. Well, I've got some things to say in return. Well, your dad got his belly button pierced and he runs a chain from it to his car keys. Well, he never loses them. Your dad ruffles your mum's hair after a blowjob and says

atta girl eh see that wasn't so bad was it eh you have fun after she's a pig aye it made it sound like

your mum was getting sucked off oh no no oh your mum well yeah aye aye me dad gets it ruined. Your dad blew his rape whistle

due to a wank and he started shouting help and then when I ran upstairs to see what was going on he covered his nipples and called us a pervert. Your dad and Colin text regularly. Oh, no.

What about Arsenal? I've done no idea about that. He's dead secret about the messages both of them are like whenever your dad tags Colin I'm like

who's that he's like not Kev and I'm like eh why would you say not Kev he's got an

8 digit screen lock who has an 8 digit screen lock your dad's got like 3 or 4 holes up the side of his cock and he has to fold it like a flute to piss

Your dad takes a really long bath before he burgles people because he thinks it helps get rid of the fingerprints They're going to think some sort of prune man did it I'll be free Me, the prune thief

That's a great idea Why has it never been done? Because it doesn't work You're your father's son The prune thief. That's a great idea. Why has it never been done? Because it doesn't work. You're your father's son. The prune thief. I was hoping it would be totally different. We'd go, well, how am I going to tell you this guy is? I think he's a frog.

By the way, whoever worked out that fingerprints were different was stoned as fuck. You're not looking at your fingerprint ever again. Can I look at yours a second? Or the most sober person in the world. Somebody who's so sober that all they do is notice.

It's from the Black Death lockdown. Yeah, my index finger's different from your middle finger. Yeah. Is your index and middle different? Is your Oh mine's different from yours by one swirl Anyway Yeah

Your dad worked down the mines But not as a mine eye He was a canary Your dad's spirit animal is an oyster Your dad has no control over his lips And he constantly looks like someone's pointing a hairdryer at a dog. Your dad's vision board is just a picture of Paul Bettany. Tickle this.

Tickle this picture. Nice little hook up there. Give yourself a fright and move it. Right, do you want to plug Australia? Do you not want to tempt fate? No, I've definitely not nixed it yet, so no. Ah, well, there we go. Do I have to delete that? No, that'll be fine. Right, do your little intro.

Right. Right, off you get. Right, I'll stop this and then do it. Right. Okay.