Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 48 Bar Fly

Episode Date: April 21, 2017

Abandosam, Sam Wilson joins Muggins and Cream in throwing Kissy Long Pockets Andrew Stanley under another bus for his round dodging. It's the closing weekend of the Melbourne Festival so they recap some of their shenanigans before the horrific slaughter of some more sorry muggles. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? A band of Sam, a band of Sam, does whatever in a band of cats. You know my bit?

Fucking hell. Is that what I told you? What the fuck? I've stolen the bit. I'm making a moan. Fine, fine. You've got to be the durable. I'll just be unfunny and do your shit.

We are back Sloss and Humphries on the road with me Coyote and Frees and my partner in crime Cream Coyote and Frees what the fuck I'm going to go and see

if I've got a massive dick I know I'm still me and we have our guest on it's a band of sad I'm so excited I we have our guest on It's a Band of Sound I'm so excited I've got my clothes off but to be fair he was like that

when we got here which is weird because this is my flat I know I know I've made it home made it home two games a risk

and that's the rules so Sam you've done the podcast before but without me we had a very funny podcast that was the Kissy Tulips episode oh when you

threw Stanley under the bus which is becoming a very big feature it was the Kissy Tulips episode oh when you threw Stanley under the bus yeah which is becoming a very big feature it's becoming a regular feature yeah he's seen Sam have you been have you been

the receptor of his long pockets I've been yes I think I've done that I think that have you been at the bar where he just fucking

pops up like a ghost like a little fucking what's that called where you smash the mallet on the thing whack-a-mole whack-a-mole yeah fucking barfly whack-a-mole whack-a-mole yeah fucking barfly whack-a-mole

whack-a-mole Stanley he's turned up I mean he got the right receiving end of our goodwill in that football match the other day he turned up late didn't know what the bet was

and just was standing at the bar ready to receive whatever was coming to him yeah I think he bought us one fucking round but it was a horrible shot he bought around last night

and made the biggest deal about it in the world like as if he just like he came back from the bar, as if, like, the bar was shut for seven hours. There was no booze there, but he managed to muster up, like, you bought me a gin and tonic cup. Yeah, I got one drink out of this.

He came back, like, with, like, Jesus, with, like, when he turned that one loaf of bread into all the loaves of bread, except he'd come back with a round an incomplete round he was furious that we'd done the podcast he hasn't listened to it yet

right he refuses to listen to it but we text him immediately saying that would yeah sold him out and he was actually seething about it

he was in the gym on his own he didn't have anyone like bouncing off or anything so he's just there on the fucking on the roll machine

just going don't bite so that night I went out with him so this is the night before last He didn't have anyone like bouncing off or anything. He's just there on the fucking, on the roll machine just going, don't bite. So that night I went out with him. So this is the night before last. I went out with him and he was like trying to buy us a drink from the fucking minute we get there, right?

Before the episode. And every time I had a fucking, went to the bar, I had a drink in my hand already. And Stanley was like, I was trying to buy a drink but Milan's already got it. And I was like,

oh, fucking classic Stanley. He'd been watching your pace the whole night. He knew the script. He invited Milan out. So he eventually got to a point where he could buy us a drink, went to the bar,

opened his wallet and found out his bank card was there. And a moth flew out. Fritzl's daughter's right in there. So you had finite money He was like I can get you this drink But I'm running out of money

But the night He was in the bar after that He was like I haven't got any money I was like Do you want a sub? And then There's more

There's a girl Daisy Who does the front of the house At Four Gigs in Adelaide She bought a round of shots for people and I realised it was quite an extensive round that she had to buy

and people like Stanley just fucking floated in and got a shot right so later on I saw her at the bar and I was like oh I'm going to buy her a drink I got a drink for her

and her boyfriend and a shot for her and her boyfriend right and she's walking away with it and someone looked at the shot and she was like it's for Andrew

Andrew being her boyfriend right Andrew Stanley heard it and went oh it's not mine and he tried to grab it off her and tried to arrest the shot off Daisy right but like he didn't know that I was there

because she just left me and I just looked at him trying to grab her shot and she's like what are you doing and I'm like Stanley are you for real and he's like fuck

so it's the last night whenever they go to like Africa with all the bottles of water like Oxfam and stuff and get it out the second you open that fucking pack

Stanley's there too front of the queue the water pump in Africa so he took us for cocktails he got paid in a bar tab right

so his way of paying me back for all the fucking drinks was to give us the freebies that he got doesn't count doesn't fucking count I knew this story was coming because you to give us the freebies that he got? Doesn't count. Doesn't fucking count. I knew this story was coming because you just know about it.

That does not fucking count. Doesn't count? Free drinks does not count as buying a round. Displace gift. So he basically buys you... Displace gift? Yeah, so he spends all the money on you. And then we get the hairy little sisters, right?

And he's like, it's your round. It's not funny. I buy a cocktail, right? I get him espresso martini. They ain't cheap, right? Espresso martini. He's just got me a bunch of cocktails in his world. And then he goes, what do you want?

And I said, espresso martini. He was like, fuck off. You get a $5 beer? And I was like, I'm getting an espresso martini. At the minute, you haven't spent a fucking penny, son. He's ridiculous. Oh my gosh. How many days has he got to pitch up his form? Three nights. He's got three nights. he's got how many days has he got to

pitch up his form three nights he's got three nights I'm just gonna I'm gonna call him instead of kissy tulips I'm just gonna call him budgie for the rest of the time

because he's so cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap what did you say what did you say to him last night I said oh Stanley I know I'd beat you

in a UFC fight because I know I'd always win the first three rounds budget budgie oh. Budget budgie. My budget budgie, that's what we'll call him. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. I can't wait until he comes back. He's going to be so livid,

but he's got nothing to it. He's got no fucking case. I can't even water my plants without you standing next to the plant pot with your fucking mofo. Fucking Stanley. He recycles tea bags Oh man Well right to reply I'm sure he'll be on again

I mean he's got He's got a couple of days To patch up for him Yeah we'll be out I think we should Get him on before The end of the run Yeah we'll try and get him

On Sunday To try and Have him justify His abysmal actions It's a big round He's going to buy on Sunday night That's That fucking point

I don't know if we can afford his appearance fee though it's a free podcast so so Sam you're part of

Abandoned Man and how's the festival been going based on what happened at the start it's been fine

it's been fine yeah so what happened you guys took an injury we took an injury yeah two days in. Robert, Rob Broderick from Abandoned Man. We're doing a gig at Max Watts.

We arrived in. We're fucked when you get here. And you get thrown straight into shit. We'd never been here before, so we did this gala thing. That was a bit of a head fuck. So you're kind of mad on these three nights. We got so pissed on the first night that we committed fucking larceny from behind the bar

you committed what? which is larceny again? I think it's stealing have I fucked that? theft yeah theft we noticed a few whippets behind the bar

and went crate digging oh yeah yeah this is the whippets yeah whippets the little the NOS nitrous oxide canisters

this is the same night with me this is the same night this is the same night the NOS, nitrous oxide canisters. Oh yeah, what? Is this the same night as me? This is the same night. Is this the same night as you? No, no, this was the night before. So we got so pissed that it made rational sense to steal cream charges from a business that was providing us free bar. And you can guess who was fucking there in attendance as well. Stanley was there, snorting some extra drinks.

And we, it was fucked. We were looking at it and we're like is this a good idea is this funny no one had a cream yeah for those that listeners who don't know basically uh nitrous oxide is laughing gas uh but it's it's like a legal high in the sense that uh the device is for whipping cream yeah uh which i'm mad into kinky bitch but if you get it with a if you put a balloon over the end

you can fill it up with nitrous oxide you breathe in and out and in and out and in and out and you get the the giggles essentially it's laughing gas

you get the giggles you get the giggles if you're doing it sober and you get much more if you're doing it when you've walked sometimes you go to some dark places

you get taken to that level before sleep where your mind's not quite functioning. It's like off on tangents. I think you get a bit self-conscious about it too. You're there having a balloon in a room full of people and you feel like everyone's looking at you. It's not the best. I genuinely went to the

Simpsons Halloween special episode of Tron World that Homer goes into on a balloon trip once. It was sustained. That was pretty near the end of the night. Jesus, man. Sustained. I mean, yeah, that was pretty near the end of the night. But yeah, Jesus,

they're great fun. We didn't have the machines to activate it, but... Got a few canisters. I saw them at the bar. In a moment that I replayed in my mind

a lot the next day, your words were, the bartender's over there. If she turns left, we steal them. If she turns right, we don't steal them. We kill her.

I'm getting those. So we took him. We ran away. She turned left. We took him downstairs. It was more Jake than stealing the charity tent. Some people are going to be getting some hot chocolate with no cream on top. I'd say there are about 15 that we stole.

I don't know how much cream a business needs. I can be pretty sure in saying they don't have reserve cream charges. That's the day when no one was getting fancy cocktails. No one was getting hot chocolate. Yeah. But you can still get cream on some cocktails, can't you? Yeah. I don't know.

Anyway, we took him back. This was the night before it happened. So that's the state we're in whenever that night finished. Went and did first Friday show, having a good time. Then went to Max Watts, which is the late night kind of festival club, the rowdy spots are. And we went on fucking late. We were tired.

But the show was mad. They got a proper music system in there. That's where Arnie Donner is. He's listening to other fucking great music shows. So it was proper pumping. Did this song at the end. And Broderick jumped up in the air on the final note, just like a normal person.

He didn't jump off stage. He didn't jump onto anything. Jumped up in the air straight, fell down back on his knees, landed, and broke his tibia and fractured his other knee. He jumped up from his feet and landed on his knees? No, no, no. A standing jump. So he's landed and broke his tibia and fractured his other knee. He jumped up from his feet and landed on his knees? No, no, no. A standing jump. So he's landed on his feet?

No, no, a man who jumped in the air. That's all he did. It wasn't a high-profile move. He's made of gingerbread. Yeah. He's fragile, but all the time. That guy needs to drink some milk. And it was on the last note.

So what the crowd saw was he jumped, fucking air horns and bombs in the air, and the man rolls back off stage. So it's a big curtain. So under the curtain. Under the curtain, and there's Aunty Donna's rig with all of the electronics on the back.

So he didn't know there was anything back there. All the man did is rolled backwards. And then I'm like, you ain't no fucking good gig. Push these two cunts on stage. You're on with us. Roll backstage. I just can't see him.

So where the fuck is he going? Is he up in the green room already? Go to this little slither between the curtain. And the man is there like a, like a little fucking mummy. Wraps up. Like Baltimore at the end of the last Harry Potter movie. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Just rolled up. Gig's over though. So he gets away with it on a professional level. Well, apart from the 30 shows we've done with him with no legs, yeah.

Oh shit, but at the time he jumped up, boom, he's off, the crowd goes wild. Evan's vibe. It's not like he's just there on the stage going, ahhh. He's not doing that bit from Family Guy where he's just like, ahhh. Can I just say on a side note as well, this is the exact same stage I fell off. Oh yeah, It's cursed. They need to do risk assessment in there, Matt. It's a horror story.

They do, I'm just going to say I walked off like a boss. No, you fell off like a boss. Fucking what? I stayed there, everyone just thought I was dancing. So I go up and see him, I'm like, dude, dude, dude, nice one, whatever. I go, are you okay? And he goes, I've broken my leg. Like, he knew instantly, to give him credit, like, there was no bullshit there. there he goes i've broken this dave thornton a few other acts about there start

just getting cold beers to put onto the knee which it feels like a lush life version of doing it there was no ice at the time yeah there were a few a few stubbies so got that then paul break that's the wrong move you need the swelling when it's a break fuck if I do you need the swelling yeah in case you need to like realign the break or something like that the swelling's good like do a sprain

or something get rid of the swelling I was there water boiling in beers security got involved got him some ice he was fine like it's one of those

things where adrenaline kept it good for a moment we then went upstairs some girl from the comedy festival goes hey there's a girl in the audience who wants to propose

to her boyfriend with you guys. Can you do it now? Wait, hold on. I've got a thousand things wrong with that sentence. She's going to propose to her boyfriend? She's going to propose to her boyfriend. Is that even a leap year?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's not something... That wasn't what I was picking on, you bloody sexist. But, like, any public proposal is dangerous you didn't even raise a little question in your mind

that was the girl proposal because it's pretty progressive there's nothing wrong with it but it's still noteworthy yeah

but my main thing in there is I'm just annoyed like I hate public displays of affection I think they are the highest level

of rude and insecurity because it's rude because you're just forcing your love onto other people. Which nobody gives a fuck about. Nobody can give the Fennis a fuck about your love life. And two, it's... The gamble of it fucking up.

It's the arrogance. There's an arrogance in people in relationships to be like, we're nailing this. We're going to prove that we're nailing it. And if you have to do it publicly, you're not nailing it. You're insecure. It's display that isn't the foundation of a fucking solid relationship.

Anything that's overly fucking public in that sense is laced in insecurity. And also, like, my favourite thing to do on YouTube is watch proposal rejections. You're going wrong. It's the funniest because every single one of those cunts deserves it.

I watch them when we dick in the hand. Well, as I was about to say, they listen to this show. They're both big fans of you guys. Are they? Oh, no! Is that true? Oh, no!

Well, just so you know, mate, when you're listening... Oh, shit. When you propose to him, the lady that proposed to the man, right? Susie. Just so you know, Susie, if Natalie proposed to me, I would feel exactly the man right Susie just so you know Susie if Natalie proposed to me

I would feel exactly how I felt when Daniel did my song at the beginning that's my bit that's what I'm my bit for couple of things I do in life which sing at the beginning

of the podcast I wish you all the best in your marriage you fucking muggles I feel I feel if they do listen to the show they will appreciate that they're lovely it happens like attention did uh did he say yes after about nine seconds think of

that in real time let's actually do that now so i'm just gonna propose you and and you'll count so it gets the end of the song we find out our whole life is really really beautiful you know fucking big vibes gets the end he sets up her with with uh with the second end of the song, we find out our whole life is really, really beautiful, you know, fucking big vibes. It gets to the end, he sets up her with the second half of the line, I have a question to ask. Susie right here has a question to ask. Will you marry me? All right, go on then yeah oh that was cold

oh Jesus what was that on a fucking time delay that is horrific everybody listening to this podcast just had severe time delay and they think they're late

for something or they thought I guarantee people checked like they thought their headphones had fallen out that was just what a fucking

dog act on his what was he doing just contemplating the fact that he'd be supposed to when he had an everything planned this isn't how

I had it planned he booked the holiday I was gonna do it I was gonna do it at Slosser's show tomorrow your break up show yeah they love

the break up show that's jesus when you see that shout out to those guys here in season big vibes did they come to my show did they see the breakup show uh i don't think they'd seen that show but i think when we were chatting about things to see we talked about you and they're like oh we love them because they they live over in belfast so you've done queens queens comedy that thing over in Belfast is that the university game yeah I've done that one

I've not I think we mentioned both of you but it was they were lovely they were lovely it went well the nine seconds

was fucked up it is on video somewhere I'm trying to get out but they were sweet all the while a man has got a broken leg

doing this fucking thing nine worst seconds of his life uh he just had to come back on just for that bit no no it wasn't on stage it wasn't so to give them credit again this is not so i think someone had come back and said hey these guys been fans of yours for years they've just seen the show can she come and say hi so she comes and says hi we do it backstage in a dressing room there's like five other people there, close set. That's not bad. I thought that's not as bad at all. I'm just trying to save myself.

Oh, they're really cool guys. Sounds really nice. I wish I'd thought of that. So it was a big night and then took him to hospital the next day. The prognosis was pretty good, actually. Originally, they were like,

yeah, you've got to wear this fucking buff-looking cast thing on your leg. It was pretty cool. Looked much higher status than what he's got now. So it's fine for a day. He did the show. The next day he goes in, it's like, yeah, you're on crutches for six weeks. Oh, jeez.

Six fucking weeks. For anyone who hasn't seen the show, it's quite a lively show. He does all the going into the crowd. I'm stuck behind a load of instruments. He'll climb on chairs. He'll put people on his back. He'll do all sorts of shit.

So if anything, this injury is well overdue because he does climb fully over tables and chairs. I've always been concerned for Rob's health. He's been playing fast and loose. I'll be honest with you. I don't think their show's been pat-tested. It has been pat-tested. He doesn't have the correct PPE.

So it's been a fun mission. It's been a long three weeks. It's gone up and down in terms of how easy it's felt, to be fair to him. He's done mad well with it. Really, that is good. So do you have to do the jump at the end now? You need the big jump. You've got to have the air horns and the pyrotechnics.

You've got to have the big jump. It just goes off and he just goes yeah throws his hand up in the air no honestly there are people bringing crutches on and off the stage we've got staff

and helpers helpers there's a bit where he and someone playing his dad gets shot in the show and the dad who's normally about 80 I pull the father to the ground

and Rob has to stay standing on a fucking chair it's it's not it's not beautiful but we're managing so you had to choreograph for the crutches yeah we had to choreograph for the crutches standing on a fucking chair. It's not beautiful, but we're managing.

So you had to choreographer the crutches. Yeah, we had to choreographer the crutches. There's new mic stands. It was a bit mad, but it's been fun. It's a nice place. First time for us here. We don't have to lay the heap,

but it's fairly nice, isn't it? It's a fucking great festival, really. It's taken care of. It all feels like, for us, it's a bit earlier in the day as well, so you've got a bit more of your nights to chill out. It's been a while. Do you have your first suggestion for muggle corns i do we will allow you to open the the roast okay i think yeah okay so i got two one of them really makes me angry oh wait hold on i've just hold on stop that right there i've got something to bring up with you okay right

chewing gum behind your ear. Who me? No, him. Right. I thought no one knew. I want to, because I was shocked by this, I want to know what your reaction is. Sure, sure, sure.

Okay. A question I asked Danny about 20 minutes ago. So I just opened up a bit of chewing gum, which is in short supply at the moment. It's a precious commodity. In a recession.

Yeah. Brexit Britain. We then went out to have a little smoke. And so I think I want to save that piece. Take it out in quite a big bit of orbit. Just nestle that behind my ear. Stick it just in a little crevice behind the ear. No.

No, no, no. Okay. My question to Danny, seeing as someone who might share kindred spirits on this particular question, is that something you do? Is that something you do? A little bit chewing on behind your ear.

And this is the qualifier. I'm not doing this 9 to 5. It's not my usual deal. But if you're out... You need to treat the back of your ear better than you treat like a fucking school table. I like this idea just because my pen would stand. If you're out partying, taking

minor amounts of recreational drugs, chewing gum, as you know, can be very helpful to stop your jaw hurting on the night. So you're out, you're dancing, whatever, having some chewing gum. You're frequently having a drink, having a beer. You can't take in enough gum to ration between those acts. If you're carrying more than a bit of gum on you, you're going to get searched and found out. So my thing is roll it behind the ear, stick it in. When I want it, I'll take it back.

But there's a hair behind it. Yes, so your nostril put in your belly button that's not bad actually um i think it's i think it's a good move okay i can't do it because he's got no earlobes this is something rick it's always does the joke way like you put his chewing gum behind my ear and then you come back for it after so you're like he does this joke i'll do it back to him yeah i've always done it it's just like back to him. So I've always done it as just like a silly little thing but I've never done it with like, this is genuinely practical.

No, I've done it with intent. Mostly you're not, the lights are very low in the club. It's not visible. I've never... I do it with condoms. I've been caught... Like if I'm sex,

I just need to go for a... I have like, half my hair fell in a peach. The condom bites my ear. Drape it over the nose just like a like a elephant just like a

like a dry and a bent back if I need a pee when I've got a condom on I just nip the base so it works very well I've never been called out on it obviously if you are trying

this at home and you're fucked at the end of the night don't go to sleep with it behind your ear otherwise you wake up and think you've lost your pillow

it's just stuck to the back of your head you look left it goes right you look right it goes left where's my pillow end up doing the gig

where's my pillow and why am I always comfy so I know any listeners out there who have done this please let us know send in let us know let us know if this is

a normal thing that you do or it is you're like me and you're like that's a fucking weird thing to do like I just want to know the math

10 pieces of gum in a packet a long night and there's not always 10 you give some to do like I just want to know the math 10 pieces of gum in a packet along that and there's not always 10 you give some to other people I can't my jaws are more important than my ears

that's what I've come to learn by the end of the story I think the reason I stopped doing it is because I put my hand over here once and then Tim and suddenly Stanley was just nibbling the back of my ear

right okay your first muggle let's do these let's do these muggles hold on I want to tell you something stupid I did the other day Oh please

I was I was having a line In the toilet You do lines? You're in detention I went in the toilet I must not put Chunga behind my ear

I must not put Chunga behind my ear So I'm writing a line On my phone And I wanted to send it One of my mates Sent us a picture of him Having a session And I wanted to send him The have you made sent as a picture of him having a session

and I wanted to send him the return picture sure sure sure right so I went to get my phone and I had the mad panic like oh fuck my camera my phone

fuck where is it and then I looked and my fucking line's racked up on it so I took a screenshot right fun and games fun and games right not fun and games Fun and games Right

Not fun and games Margles Okay This is the first one This is real shit Fun's over Yeah I'm so Are you serious?

I'm so annoyed by this And I'm pretty sure It's not come up before I can tell I've never seen you this angry Because I don't know How this hasn't broken The fucking world yet muggles post

statuses on social media criticizing others for not grieving equally about every social issue oh yeah now so there is nothing that makes me more angry to see on facebook than this at a time when there's been an atrocity when something's gone wrong in the world and i i think you we've all we're all aware of the the kind of morals i'm posting about that i think everyone everyone's up to themselves what they wanted on that some people feel it's helpful to post little status or change their photo but there is you know it's it's nice to show solidarity it's nice to show support i wouldn't do it personally in that forum but you know if people want do it, that's fine. But then there will be one cunt who thinks it's socially relevant to come on and go,

guys, I don't know why everyone's posting so much about France, but there's actually this gas attack happening in a place you've never heard of that has not been reported on at all and expecting validation. And fucking likes. Expecting likes. That's the worst thing about it.

Yeah. It's the hierarchy of like I'm actually so known there's all this other stuff and my sympathy spreads far and wide and it's like you have to take into account

that some like with those stuff like it obviously both things are atrocious but things are close to home of course like these people

were gassing like they were gassing a war zone which is obviously horrific yeah absolutely and they were absolute innocents

and it's a devastating loss of life. But also, this other place, France was nearer and it was... It's nearer. And I've been there. And I know, you know,

there's fucking powers. I don't think that's a sin. It's your... To just be affected by what you're aware of. It's your connection to it. Like, when Amy Winehouse died, that was,

I think, the same time as another travesty like that and that's Breivik fucking massacre thing. And everyone was like, I can't believe everyone's going on about Amy Winehouse when this has happened

in Norway or whatever and then like the people that got killed in Norway you didn't go to the fucking concert we have first love you know you didn't have that

like people have got a connection with this recording I don't sing a song at karaoke I don't sing fucking Anders Breivik's greatest hits

I mean you can get shot I guess yeah you wouldn't just the MIA concert I don't want to do it Anders Breivik's greatest hit. I mean, he didn't get shot. I guess, yeah, you wouldn't. Just the MIA console. I don't want to do it. Yeah, it makes me fucking livid. It's, yeah.

Who made you the fucking grief referee? Do you know what I mean? Like, there's no... And it's also, it's just this idea that there is a set level of grief. It's like, I can be sad about both things. Yeah. Like, I mean, it's sad about both things. Imagine one day

your mum dies and the next day your dad dies and you're like, I've got to pick one. I mean, I've got to be sad about one of these. I don't have enough for two. I've only got one Facebook status to put up. I 100% agree. It's like real

arrogance. A lot of muggle things are very innocent but this one is it's the you're putting yourself on a pedestal above everyone else level of mugglery like you've anointed yourself yeah as you said it's all knowing but what are you doing about it

that's not a thing about this you know gas attack what the fuck are you doing if you're doing anything I mean still I don't want to hear about it but fair enough you can talk

about that but just hovering around the fucking homepage I think people put their hand up going

I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad look at me don't look at the travesty look at me I'm sad

I'm sadder about a cooler thing than you fuck it's real it's real... It's hipster grieving. Yeah.

It really is though. Guys, there's actually another terrorist attack today. You've probably never heard of it. It's real niche. None of the media outlets are actually talking about it, but I heard about it because I got a friend over there. You fucking muggles. You fucking muggles.

What about the pony sanctuary in Zimbabwe? Them ponies are getting malnutrition the other thing on Facebook on the status of the minute again I don't know

if I've just got more bigoted friends than me but it's like Muslims should get the fuck off from this country and stuff

I've seen a couple you have got more bigoted friends honestly right I think it's because I come from a working class town and I accept every friend request you've got too big infestation friends honestly right I think it's because I come from a working class town right

and I accept every friend request well you've got too many friends and there's no filtration you've got too many friends I think I definitely blame that as part of the cause I saw some like

fair like anti-Muslim shit and that like that whole attitude of like not all not all Muslims are terrorists but all terrorists are Muslims but also not terrorists

I just wanted to reply I wanted to reply to everyone with just replacing the word Muslim with man yeah like every

not all men are terrorists but all terrorists are men all men should fuck off just because it shows how fucking ridiculous it is to just pick one thing one thing yeah and then blanket a whole community yeah

to not realise like I didn't want to be the social justice warrior I didn't want to be the one writing that down and trying to correct these fucking idiots because the thing is sadly especially you can correct these people in because the thing is sadly you can correct these people

in like real life you know I truly believe you can correct people but it's never done online

nobody in the history of online has ever read something and been like oh valid point opinion changed oh I've learned my lesson

thank you thank god you're here we needed a leader thank you thank you bla Blazeit69. You've really changed my thoughts. Mine's not related to this one in any way, but put it there.

Muggles juggle. I said stop rhyming. It's my thing. Rhyme's my thing. I know it sounds like I did just say that because it rhymes, but it's such a muggly fucking thing. It's juggling. It's such a muggle thing it's such a muggle thing you fucking nerd

I'm a cookie guy it's no there's some levels of juggling they're really top tier that are impressive highest fucking echelon chainsaws that are on fire and also covered with like needles that have got

heroin in it this is my issue juggling birds really difficult because they never come back what did you say take 20 juggling performances I'll be impressed by

one in 20 maximum and that'll be the guy doing the birds and the chainsaws it's not fucking Stan at the party who's got like

three balls hold on on, that's literally the one above what everyone can do. Throwing two balls in the air is not a skill. I actually do a really wacky one where I've got three oranges and an apple and I eat the apple as I'm just, shut up fucking Jesus. Know the touch of a part of the other human being,

would you? I might be in the corner for this one because, you know, when I worked at the leisure centre, I was also a swimming teacher and I was juggling jobs I mean you're in the corner for that joke I was looking forward to finding out how you incorporated juggling into the swimming coaching I was just starting to end

oh god fucking me it's like street performers I was just Stalking Oh god Fucking me It's like Street performers And Street performers I get like Your street performance

Part of your Status fine I'm talking like I've been to parties Where somebody just goes Oh Like trying to impress you Or like

You can add other stuff to this Making a cigarette appear Or whatever Like Yeah Like something appear from you Yeah like a little Slight hand trick trick there was a party what's the there was this one that's in the same vein but i'm not going to put it in muggle corner the diablo thing

that is so muggly we're not putting the corner but with that as an item is a oh it is a muggly item it really is but asher 11 uh who's a great he's incredible at it he's amazing i was just backstage with him last year and he was just practicing it right and i just i turned into a six-year-old just watching him do it yeah he was doing it like this bit where he throws up in the air gets the two sticks together and then whips it like just whips it like a fucking whip and catches the thing midair straight behind his legs up, through his legs, up, and I'm just like, it's fucking wizardry. Or like your simile,

which was, whips it like a whip. I whips it, I. He makes a living with his command of the English language, and he fucking says, whips it like a whip. I,

it's like a bitch. This is the thing, with anything, juggling, yo-yo, diablo, any of these like little, fucking,

even sleight slight hand tricks right if you get especially good at it it's fucking great but you can't get good at it without being in this massive

muggle zone of being average at it yeah to become a professional you've got to go through like seven years of mugglery

fucking ten thousand hours but what about if you kept that behind closed doors and then appeared on the scene with those skills yeah if you kept that out of the party then appeared on the scene with those skills yeah

if you kept that out of the party for 10 years yeah that's why I've been masturbating in private for so long because trust me

in 10 years when I start when I start doing that publicly people are going to lose their shit start running and screaming

look at this guy what's he doing no it's really fucking muggly I think juggly is the most muggly juggly is the most muggly of them all.

Yeah. It really is. All of them tricks. To be honest, if I saw someone whip out a yo-yo now, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. I think it's so unexpected in this day and age to see a yo-yo. I'd have to at least see one. It'd be like seeing someone who's still got a Tamagotchi that's alive.

The Tamagotchi's just like It's got a little grey beard And all it does is just go Kill me Just kill me It's got wheels instead of legs Back legs It's just shitting itself constantly

So was that Muggle when I had the Rubik's Cube with us? Rubik's Cube you are a bit muggly like I used to have to carry it with us for gigs but it would often mean I had it on a night out sometimes there's one time mate

I didn't get in the same venue just because I was too pissed right I was too drunk I was too drunk and the door was like good luck getting in mate you're too drunk

I'm too drunk I'm out pull up with Rubik's Cube fucking bust the Rubik's Cube in fucking 80 seconds he's like get in he told you to fuck off

after that I wouldn't look at him you fucking drunk nerd I can do it at any stage of inebriation this is because of muscle memory I mean

I think I don't know I wouldn't put that quite as bad as that I think I still admit Rubik's Cube is a bit it is a bit

he did the fucking Sudoku one on a plane so fucking long Where it's just No colours No colours Just numbers

You've got to have one to nine And you say they know that No no He's just told me about it Which is more muggly He came back It wasn't muggly What he did

It was muggly How proud he was Like I sat on a plane for eight hours And I had to sit down with my notes And write down all the numbers I had to make I had to make a web

Like you know When you like Do a web like you know when you like do a web of a box so it's like unfolded put a drawing on the paper and then like hatch that into nine on each side

and then make little jigsaw pieces of each one with the numbers on and like piece it together on the paper I would have been fucking terrified to be sat next to you

if I was sat in a long hole next to that guy the guy writes the fucking the guy writes just loads of numbers and codes fucking Da vinci code

on his web at one point they're just expecting you to get one number and just

the thing opens up into a trigger oh my god that's in it

yeah that's straight in You chuckling muggly You know what the Thing is I think we've discussed this And put it in Muggle Corner Before actually But it's worth

Mentioning on this occasion Is that when you've got Something that people Know you to do People buy you gifts Based on it So I've got a Rubik's Cube Oh Kyle loves this

Rubik's Cube cup Yeah yeah yeah He's got Every year Dinosaur stuff Yeah yeah yeah Rubik's Cube cup He's got Every year Dinosaur stuff Yeah yeah yeah Just cause I bought A Velociraptor

Cause it was funny And every fucking Christmas It's like Last year I got Like You remember those Fucking shit Skeleton

Things you had to get When you were young Of like Dinosaur I got one of those I'm 26 I'm 26 years old And another

Grown adult went you'll like this. I don't like dinosaurs. That's not hardwiring. That's where the thinking stops. Once it gets to stage one there's no more consideration of if this can be good. I used to play the drums well I still play drums on occasion

and for years drum socks, a drum tie chicken drumsticks chicken drumsticks have their lollipops And for years, drum socks, a drum tie. Drum sticks. Chicken drum sticks. And their lollipops. Drum pencils. Poacher buggy. Any of those.

Tickets to Drum Chapel. A weekend away. Earbuds to protect his eardrums. Okay, what's your muggle one? I've got suggestions, yeah. This is a fucking real good one when you dig into it. Is this a suggestion? This is a suggestion from Marion,

who runs the Estonian gigs with Louis. She got in touch saying this has got to be in Muggle Corner so shout out to her I'd say her second name if I could pronounce it it's Estonian I need to remove my tongue all I know is

it's worth 50 in Scrabble you can't use names in Scrabble fake glasses right this is especially you know when people wear glasses for the look

yeah right the feigning disability no like the one with the moustache on it and the that's awesome yeah

that's how you go down the street without getting spotted you just want to nip to the shop without getting swarmed by fans is that Groucho Marx

Groucho I thought he was dead he really is finding a disability like can I do that can I just walk around with crutches

imagine just going around like pretending to have a stutter because you think it's cool yeah Daniel Kitson

I don't know if his glasses are even real So you mean I feel like something I've never really Rhys Nicholson is in the corner for this Because Rhys Nicholson Is he not going to lisp? He's got He's got

He's got glasses with no lenses But he's just He's got he's got glasses with no lenses but he's just he's like it's literally just for the look but there's no lenses he doesn't even fucking pretend what's funny though

it is failing his disability it totally is like I'm not gonna go and put myself through a fucking session of chemo it looks cool love the look

as well speaking of Reece Nicholson's lisp he's gonna have the worst name to have a lisp oh my god every syllable of that is a cunt

when we were at Nick Cody's wedding Rhys introduced himself to Nick's mum so like Nick's mum was like oh no it's Lucia's mum

I was like I'm Dario this is Karen Rhys goes I'm Rhys and she goes Rhys but seriously

thought his name was Rhys and me and Karen just like, to ourselves. It's not that bad. Christmas decoration. Whose name is Rhys? Rhys.

Oh my God. What was the, I watched some show, it was like a chat show, but it was fucking with the guests. Right. Right. And it was at the Hi-Fi,

with Max Watts, where you did the show. No, I heard about this. I heard about this. It's called something. It's just the guy's name. Tom, I'd fuck knows, right? with the guests right right and it wasn't the hi-fi what's where you did the show no i heard about this head about something it's just the guy's name tom i'd fuck knows right i've wish no no it's not but um so he had josie long on right yeah he said josie was like oh i just want to compliment you on how good your english is she's like i am english English. And he went, oh, did you grow up on a deaf community? Who is this guy? He's amazing.

Who's this roaster? He's fucking amazing. Holy shit. He said, this is Stephen K. Amos, right? He said, is your name Stephen with a P-H? He goes, yeah. And he goes, Thieven. I said, Thieven?

Like accusing him of a joke theft? Oh, my God. No. It was ridiculous. We were at the roast of Dilric J. Singer the other day there was just

there was some real real fucking excellent roasts oh that's amazing nothing was off limits there was a fucking great crew involved in that

one of Becky Lucas' one on me and this is I was in fucking bits was um Dan Sloss

is a sociopath sorry Sloss you really are a sociopath the only reason, you really are a sociopath The only reason you went to your sister's funeral Is so you could watch people cry and take notes Do you hear the one that Nick Coney didn't do Which he wanted to do

Which is just for me So should you be doing it now? For you Nick Coney's one for me was Sloss's sister's dead yeah for you yeah so Nick Coney's one for me was was so plus his sister's dead ha

oh god Leah's in his sister how you doing sis I love I think those sort of roasts are so

important in a sense like I'm a I'm a big preacher of look you can say anything sure like that was a perfect thing because i always get the most heinous thing saying about me and laughing at them i'm

like i want to prove yeah yeah there's nothing you can say that i'll ever upset you you think your jokes are so edgy that but you look it's gonna cut herself up cold blooded some things but i think that's what it is when nothing's off limits it's almost like you're freed and it's fucking craftsmanship as well because when you know you can go right to that fucking point the punchlines are all the same it's like Dilruch's fat

Cody's got a big head in his ginger Tom Ballard's gay Tommy Dassel's losing his hairline but it's the creativity of how you get to that punchline that's the fucking base level where can we go from here where can we take this

we had an Uber driver here who was saying that he saw the first ever roast in the States and then he'd since turned off them because they were too offensive I just went, did you understand what a roast was from the first one I don't know what 1970s roast he was talking about

but it's it was fucking madness it's almost like a safe haven where anything goes you know like you can just do anything you can't do that

like act like that on a day to day life there's nothing genuine in it like it's all like you're saying such brutal things you're like yeah

but I mean none of it like it's just it's free reign to say the worst fucking things and be so creative in how evil you are. But that's why it's important to do it with friends is because. I did love it so much

because I'm only used to that humour in real close quarters. Behind closed doors with mates, right? Or in a WhatsApp group. To see that humour bleed out into an audience of fucking two, three hundred people

who are like loving it, who are like a bit fucking blindsided by it too. But it's also a thing that the audience cannot get offended by it because they're watching the person it's about not be offended by it. Yeah. There's no fucking secondary offence that can be taken from that. If it hasn't hurt their feelings, it fucking sure as hell shouldn't hurt yours. Hey, is it going to be released in any way?

Is there going to be any... I think if you subscribe to the Dumb Dumb Podcast, they might be releasing some of it, but no, I think they... Because it's one of those things where it could be taken so out of context, like the way people... It's so easy for just some overly left-wing person to just take something out of context,

one of the lines out of context, attribute it to them, like one of the jokes about heroin overdose or you know, self harming or disability or whatever and then make it about them like oh my god can you believe that they said that about this thing, it's a real danger

with that because that's how some people are because they fucking suck as human beings so as well while you're on that point, shout out the Dum Dum Club podcast because I know a lot of our podcast listeners listen twice a week

but they've also got the other days when they're commuting and shit like that. They look for their podcasts. So, Dum Dum Club's Carl Chandler and Tommy Dasolo.

So, get on that. They've always got Aussie comics on and international comics during the festival time. Sorry, I'm rolling a joint. It's a real good one. It's a real good one. So, just go back to your muggle corner just to confirm it. Sorry, I'm only joking. It's a real good one.

Just go back to your muggle corner just to confirm it. Oh shit, we went safe track there. That was about wearing glasses with no lenses or wearing glasses with no prescription. Like fearing disability. It's just an unnecessary fashion choice. Can I ask about the one sort of glasses

I never know if it's okay to joke about which is the orange and purple ones the ones that like light adjusted lenses are they I'm looking by the

blanks on your face is that I should tread more carefully than I I don't know what they are no I don't know I'm just trying to work out what they are is it

it's the ones where like they'll change to sunglasses when you go outside no no no is it like when I got David's wall with a fucking

it's normally oh okay this is a cunt who doesn't know what he's talking about in my experience that's what this whole podcast is people

who are having other struggles that wear these glasses and I don't think it's just visuals so people who have learning difficulties other stuff

there was just a few dudes I knew growing up who were they're kind of orange lenses but they look so fucked how did Mitch Hedberg wear them the comedian so that he couldn't see the audience There was just a few dudes I knew growing up who rocked, they're kind of orange lenses, but they look so fucked.

Hey, didn't Mitch Hedwig wear them, the comedian? So that he couldn't see the audience? Yeah, Mitch Hedwig, yeah. No, it was just sunglasses, though. Okay, I'm going to look this up. You want to see the audience just don't wear glasses? I thought I was going to get some clarification there. Sorry, mate, you're coming to the wrong fucking font of knowledge.

I think that's all that says I grew up in Ipswich. All right, we're going to pause this for a split. Three, mate, you're coming to the wrong fucking font of knowledge. I think that's, all that says is I grew up in Ipswich. Right, we're going to pause this for a split. Three, two, one. So we're just being for a split break, looked over the balcony and saw Andrew Stanley

picking up cigarette butts. So you could sell them for fucking cheap drinks. He's got loads of glass bottles so he could trade them in for 20p. He's got extra lids. I normally see kids

doing that at festivals is that a good pastime? I reckon it's I reckon like all the time the parents are just like you know if you want some pocket money

you can go do that because it's also good to just like sieve around in the needles and the trash but it's also good to like it's keeping the festival clean

it's teaching your kid to like care about the environment for money you know important lessons 10 minute entrepreneur what's your next muggle

corner Sam where's er we're lost in a fucking thing should I just go in with one yeah yeah

go in with one this is Natalie suggesting shopping channels anyone that follows in a shopping channel oh god yeah

I can't believe I can't believe shopping channels still exist game show channels our friend Milo is a host and so was Leslie. That's where they met, they met as hosts.

Yeah, he bought her. Special offer. I'll have the Leslie, please, bid up TV. I've watched infomercials. When you get in at the end of the night and you're really fucked, I have watched infomercials. It's quite an art form, I think, because they do really make you want, I'm speaking to myself personally, been very very fucked sometimes they do make you want the product

yeah like there's i'm trying to think what i saw i mean there's a funny one that's online coin collection yeah yeah which is a cd of applause and cheering for people with low self-esteem pass the phone i'll dig it out or if you search I think it's like motivational fail or something

I may play that as background music in the gigs but it's so jokes it's a record there's sort of seven tracks on it from cheering

to you know nice kind of salutations it's just a picture of this guy in this 80s looking shirt sitting down in a chair and the CD's going you're amazing i believe in you and then and he's going yes i'm the best

it's game day this is what we play for oh god but no they're they're they're very very i've never i've never i don't think i've ever definitely flicked through but i've never even've never I don't think I've ever definitely flicked through but I've never even been tempted by it but yeah that to me the fact that it doesn't even cross my mind

is the thing I'm like that just proves how muggly it is this is just a little ornament of a sheep and a pig it's made out of clay it's hand painted here you can see the signature

on the artist on the bottom you're just looking longingly at your empty mantelpiece and for the next five minutes we have a special deal on the first five callers actually get 20% off this and free delivery coming in at 79 95 like visit your grandkids Fucking get onto heroin Jesus

Imagine the next few days And waiting for the postman The postman's like Oh He kept walking But you see You see like the ticket timer On the corner

That's got everyone Who's calling in So they kind of name And shame them on the side Oh man We should We should track Track down those people

And take away their vote Like you're not Does it bring their full names up You can find them on Facebook just troll them can I tell you about one of my favourite games ever right

it's if you're in the airport in the fucking Tannoy for like you could miss out John Jackson come to Singapore you fly

whatever the name is look for them on Facebook send them a message you can't hold the fuck up trying to fly yeah I've done that numerous occasions

and it always brings me joy yeah I'll put that one absolutely straight in your next one Samothy I'm gonna go in

okay er muggles give long directions even though we all have smartphones now when you're out somewhere to go someone's like

er yeah you know maybe going off to nando's and they'll tell you seven different points of direction they'll chase you go here second left third right across the roundabout what's the address like oh you just come off i'm like i've got something in my pocket that's smarter than you are so shut the fuck up and this comes gonna stay with me on the journey i don't need you to read me this fucking riddle and then me to enact you're staring into their eyes wanting to shut them me on the journey. I don't need you to read me this fucking riddle and then me to enact. You're staring into their eyes

wanting to shut them down after the first instruction. You've got the general direction off them already and you're waiting. Just say, shut the fuck up. Just give me the postcode.

Just give me the postcode and put it on my phone. Like, honestly, Sydney's much better than you, Gavin. Yeah, there's no, I've not met people who don't have that function.

Admittedly, a bit different abroad if you haven't got data or something like that. But that's a preface. That should not be assumed. Don't give me a fucking shopping list of directions to walk down.

It's fucking madness. Someone give me a full recipe and instructions on how to cook it. Like verbally. Tell us what the dish is called so I can fucking Google it. I really do like giving people wrong directions though. If I'm hungover or just in a bit of a fucking shit mood

and I just want to fuck over a random stranger for no reason and I'm in Edinburgh, they're just like, eh, how do I get to the wrong mile from here? Just point in the other direction. It's just down there. Even better.

Just go right, head all the way down there, that roundabout, go all the way around and come back past me. All the way past me and down there on the left. Oh, yeah. All the way past me and down there on the left. Is it for Michael Cripple?

I think just overly long directions. Because why are you asking for directions if you have a smartphone? No, people are giving me directions. Do you know the way? It's just down here. I fucking know the way. As you say, give me the postcode.

I'll find it. People assuming that they're some sort of orienteering coach. Yeah. Just. No, their dad was a compass. Yeah,

just such a fucking. And their mother was the North Star. Yes. Check the moss on the trees before you get the direction. Apparently that's a myth, by the way. Moss grows on all sides of the trees.

Does it? Aye. I fucking know when I'm lost. How did I get here? My final one is from Douglas Athey. It's a bit of a... Oh, a phone technician from the hit sitcom Muff. Yes.

One of those words was right. The award-winning sitcom Muff. Muggles say things... You've sent me a message, so I'll just read the full message. Muggles say things like, Actually, I think you'll find find ironic by Alanis Morissette Doesn't have anything ironic in it And actually I think you'll find Beauty and the Beast

Is about Stockholm Syndrome Basically pirate lazy pop culture criticism Yeah 100% So basically what I just did with Moscow And the other side of the trees But just yeah Like you've learned a fact From a Buzzfeed article

and you were about like some sort of thing and you're just you know Winnie the Pooh and his friends are actually

different types of mental illness you know Eeyore is depression and Tigger is I'm like I've read this

I've scanned the same article you have Cunt like I'm not I think this is your original thought yeah any secret message behind a pop culture reference there's always bullshit scanned the same article you have, cunt. Like, I'm not. You think this is your original thought? Yeah. Any secret message behind a pop culture reference,

there's always bullshit. There's always someone who's been alone and lazy and has just written that at home. Yeah. This is going to fucking spread the internet. Like, the secret ending to Harry Potter. It's not a fucking ending. Yeah. There is a good one I did here, though,

and this probably goes in the corner with it, but Frankie Boyle had one which was, I don't know if it's his theory on batman but he met he said it and it was like you've got to understand that murderers very rarely ever leave witnesses like they would never leave a witness if you kill two people you'll kill the third one yeah uh and i reckon he did and so what uh bat Batman actually is is the dying revenge fantasy of a dying child so the theory is that he shot Bruce Wayne the kid as well and when he's dying he obviously he's fantasizing about revenge that's why all the characters are like a clown and a big evil crocodile and like a cat woman and he's a bat man, and all this, yeah, scarecrow, all this stuff, I was like,

oh, holy shit, that's a fairly fucking decent one, and dark as shit. There was one that, that come up about, is it Professor Xavier, if he can move things with his mind,

why doesn't he move his legs, and walk, instead of being in a wheelchair, and I was like, probably because like, the motor skills wouldn't be the same, he wouldn't still have the same finesse as walking, so if he did it with his mind,

he'd be like, really struggling to move one leg, and walking everywhere, his mind, he'd be like really struggling to move one leg and walking everywhere. It'd be like that old running game you had to play in the thing where you got to do all the, you ever play that one on the laptop where like each button is like a joint and you've got to try and run more than 10 yards.

It's fucking impossible. Very difficult. It sounds like it would be. People are like, why doesn't he just walk? I'm like, why didn't he just fly? Like, you're stupid. Like, why would he need to walk and I'm like why doesn't he just fly like you're stupid like why

why would he need to walk I just think it's about dignity I think it's because he's got to concentrate on moving each leg makes him fucking cool as well rolling around in a wheelchair status

fucking rocking it why doesn't he just constantly telepath a fucking wig on his head I feel a lot of that was going around after fantastic beasts the i love that movie so much good movie the big bit of criticism and i heard this from numerous sources i can't remember the main bit i heard this discussed someone's like yeah but you know they can just do spells for everything you know why don't they just spell everything so you know nothing goes wrong stuff

like this it goes where's the fucking jeopardy in that yeah but also that's not how magic works just because you haven't read the book it's someone coming in with an outside perspective or something where they like all of this

back stuff is explained but because they've not watched it they're like they're annoyed they're like why don't they just do that well if you'd read

the fucking books they explain exactly why they cannot do that you fucking moron someone gave grief because they had to magic a mop into cleaning the floor. Why don't they just clean the floor? Why do you need the mop?

What fucking world would this be? A world where everything is solved in one moment. Thanks for trying to make my favourite book boring. This is why I'm glad J.K. Rowling wrote it and not you. And then Harry walked in and went, Fix-oo everything-o end of book, oh great fucking riveting kiss

let's get eight books out let's get eight fucking movies out of this you mug but yeah this to go back to Douglas' one I'm totally guilty of this by the way, I absolutely do did you actually know the reason for this is because

you know House you know the TV show House it's based on Sherlock Holmes because obviously his name is House Holmes Sherlock Holmes is his partner it's called Dr. Watson and the thing is Dr. Wilson Dr. House is

addicted to painkillers Sherlock Holmes is addicted to opinkillers Sherlock Holmes is addicted to opiates they both live at 406 Baker Street or something B Baker Street just give your own address

you're 406 right now aren't you oh so I am yeah oops yeah we'll put those in there's one more in that category I think right it was when

I had Hard Knock Life on single on cassette when I was a teenager yeah you know at the beginning from Annie

from the Jay Z track from Annie from Annie you know which one it's a hard knock life for us you just listen to that while walking to school

it's a fucking great jam that's a fucking one for the ages give me the original no Jay Z Jay Z did it there's a fucking great jam that's a fucking one for the ages you mean the original no JC JC did a there's a bit at the beginning where JC goes

take the bass line out uh huh uh huh and the bass line doesn't go out I would always flag that up he's like didn't take the bass line out

gave him shit for it it's like I can't remember what Eminem Eminem track it is but he's like that but I can't remember what Eminem Eminem track it is but he's like hey there's no there's no drums

in my headphones can we get drums in my headphones yeah I'm like let's do it again I'll be honest with you I reckon you go to the studio for a while

you're paying by the fucking hour here just stop and start that's what we do we're not going to leave the clap in at the beginning let's go through those and then let's go into

your dad jokes so my ones are muggles juggle like go juggle in the corner you fucking muggle I think everything got in the corner

it did and Douglas is one of a lazy pop culture criticism like just bringing up unnecessary things that people like

as interesting tidbits but tidbits that you learn from something else and you're now passing off someone else's interesting article as your own interesting personality Muggles post statuses on social media criticising others for not grieving equally

grief shaming grief policing like a muggle and a bad egg who made you a grief chief grief shaming grief shaming grief policing like a muggle and a bad egg muggle and a fucking cunt who made you grief chief and muggles give long directions even though we've all

fucking got smartphones these days stop listening muggles go on shopping channels and purchase stuff and you get especially muggly

if you go on a shopping channel and purchase a pair of fake glasses yeah you get your fake glasses off the shopping channel and that's a full minute for you. Ultra Mugly. In one go. In fact, time's 30 seconds by 30 seconds.

Sam, your dad skips on the treadmill. I'm going to do mine to you, Kai. That's how it works. You're in a thief. Let him have it. Kai, your dad owns his own bowling ball. All the gear gear no idea Daniel your dad says grace before having sex with your mam

but your mam gets pissed off because grace is his ex wife's name Kai when me and Sam go shopping with your dad he holds both our hands and asks us to swig him Kai your dad nicks shoes from the local mosque well your dad fakes orgasms when he's in church Sam, when God closes the door your dad says your mum walked into it

Kai your dad tops up his mobile phone at the cash machine has anyone done that I've never seen that I don't even know how it would work

I didn't even know how that feature would work I couldn't get my phone in the slot Danny your dad's got a tattoo saying only Judy can judge me I didn't even know how that feature would work. I couldn't get my phone in the slot. Danny, your dad's got a tattoo saying only Judy can judge me. Kai, your dad printed off his own Pokemon cards and tried to pass them off as real. Kai, your dad puts baby in the corner.

Then he fucks it Well eh Sam Your dad turned up To work and he's Dressing down to call in sick Because he didn't want to Run up his phone bill Sam your dad never got Off the first island

On San Andreas Noob Proper noob And he used cheats off the first island on San Andreas. Noob. Proper noob. Andy, you're cheating. Kyle, your dad buys his clothes on Gumtree. Daniel, your dad needed to buy condoms, so he bought a few other grocery items just so that he wasn't buying condoms on the road.

Kyle, your dad steals metal dusties off of cars. He's a menace in the streets. Is my dad a joke? He's been going at you constantly. He's stuck on the internet. Fucking him and Martin have got an elite in the church.

All right, let's fucking get Martin in a little bit. Danny, your dad shares articles of hilarious autocorrect failures you won't want to miss. Is it me?

Yeah. Daniel, your dad cut a glory hole in his garden fence and the neighbors can't work out why their dog's breath stinks.

Sam, your dad pours the milk first, then puts the cereal in. He's a monster. He's an absolute monster. That's worse than kitty fucking him up. At least my dad just puts baby in the corner. Kai, your dad holds an annual pass to Madam Two Swords. Well, your dad went to support groups

because he got fraped Sam your dad only butters the crusts of his toast he's a monster breakfast with that guy is a nightmare I don't know how I'm here

fucking hell Kai your dad your dad trained himself to last longer in bed by binge-watching ISIS beheading videos. Danny, your dad revs his motorbike engine outside the school so the kids think he's caught. Spaff, that would have been good. No, he did.

Kai, your dad makes fighter pilot noises while masturbating. Bombs away! Danny, your dad's the weakest link. Goodbye. Your dad's going to calculate a watch. Kai, your dad practices kissing on the family fish. Explains a lot. Well, the fish is such a bad kisser.

Why, it's dead. Danny, you know those how's my driving numbers on the back of vans? Your dad fucking rings them. It's great. Well done. Well, you have to go to go out for the next service To have a coffee

Sam, your dad went to the sing-along screen Of Mamma Mia with a megaphone Good fun Fun with friends Fun with friends Is this going out today? Yeah, if I can get it put together Yeah

So I Oh, so you Sam We're on a band amount on Where can we see you? I'm with friends is this going out today? yeah if I can get it put together yeah so I oh so you Sam where are the band on? where can we see you? we're on for three more days in Melbourne at the Spiegel tent

at 7pm 6pm on Sundays anything when you get back? we've got a little bit of a break when we get back we're going to be touring the show in autumn but in the summer

touring with my band play with a woman called Anna Meredith just released a single called Dowager check it out on YouTube sweet whatever thank you very much for coming on thank you for having me it was a pleasure you come touring with my band play with a woman called Anna Meredith just released a single called Dowager check it out on YouTube whatever thank you very much

for coming on thank you for having me it was a pleasure you can't what do you want so I've got a couple of gigs left at the sub club

in Melbourne if you're Melbourne bound you've got a couple of days left to see us I leave on Sunday Sunday's my last one and when I'm back home I'm going to be coming back

after three months away back to Punch Drunk which is on at Blythe Bedlington Ashington and Cramlington Bedlington sorry Blythe and As Ashington and Cramlington Bedlington

sorry Blythe and Ashington sold out they're two selling out fast nice Paul Sinan's

going to be on from the chase the Sinan man love the chase I am doing my town hall show on Saturday here

7.30 in Melbourne and then I am off to I'm off to Auckland where you can see me I'm also going to be doing at Perth

and then Sydney at the end more which I will be recording that show so please come down and then when I'm home there's also any Edinburgh listeners we're doing a work in progress at some point in the next month

I can't remember where it is but if you go on the Summer Hall website you should be able to find it very easily so now our podcast plug was the little dum-dum plug yeah and as always give this podcast

share it give it positive feedback yeah if you give it ratings it bumps up and it gets more listenership but also let's just

if people put ratings on we'll read out some of the reviews give us five star reviews but then absolutely mark us in the comments we'll roast you

we'll get you back if you want a good roast put something in the comments we'll put it a bit get you back if you want a good roast put something in the comments we'll put it a bit but thank you very much for listening thanks Sam bye Sam

bye