Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.8 Covid Lulls (and Squirrels)

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

After discussing the legality of divorcing someone because of their looks and the reality of getting a dog, Muggins and Cream tell the story of Daniel's Tesla being eaten by squirrels. 

I've pointed at you that means I'm recording oh what sorry I was paying attention to something else this is our new podcast in this I mean

we don't talk about much to be fucking honest with you nothing's happening we talk about loads we don't we talk about we get through some stuff we talk about squirrel invasions

oh yeah we tell that story we talk about being legally shallow yeah I guess we do talk about that but there's really no substance to it is my point we talk about COVID lul's really no substance to it Is my point

Talk about Covid lulz Oh Well And that's what we'll call this Covid lulz Alright there we go That wasn't hard was it Well

Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and cream Cream and muggins Straight thuggin Living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles Tickling the clit inside your head

That makes you laugh Woohoo Ha ha ha They said it can't be done Are we in the dream. That's our intro. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I just read a news article about a man who sued his wife for being ugly. Did he... Well, first of all, did he win? Yes. Then I don't believe the story.

In China. Oh, now I believe the story. All right, OK. Fair enough. A man and his beautiful wife have an ugly child. Right. He accuses her of having an affair. There's no way me and you made this ugly child right he accuses her of having an affair there's no way

me and you made this ugly child found out she'd had 63,000 pounds worth of surgery and tricked him into marriage and then his ugly baby

he won the course of a sooner so for deception for having an ugly child he sued his wife for deceiving her.

Him. It was in the Daily Mirror. Right. There's so much about this story that I don't believe. And no matter how many times you say the words, but it happened in China, it'll only get you so much leeway with my belief. But had you said they were Americans,

oh, man. Easy. There would be no further questioning from me. I'm like, yeah, I bet she was an ugly cunt as well. but had you said they were Americans oh man easy I would there would be no further questioning from me I'm like yeah I bet she was an ugly cunt as well yeah

that's a bit but I don't know like so like what about if you were stupid but then read a ton of books

and got smarter and then your kid was stupid and you go oh yeah but I had some work done I read a bunch of books and got smarter and then your kid was stupid and you go oh yeah but I had some work done I read a bunch of books aye but but but

like name one person with plastic surgery that looks sick over the age of 55 Tina Turner had it I don't know I don't know

I don't know I don't know medical records these women most of the time I've not like most most of the time I've not like most most of you get

plastic surgery you fucking pay for it in the last 20 years of your life when the bits of your face that you really want to stay in position when you were younger

stay there and the rest of your skin does what skin was designed to do that's the that's the real price of fucking well apart from

the millions of dollars obviously yeah so you have like you have the the bits that were made to look young while the rest of your face ages around it. Aye, aye.

And you just look like this amalgamation. Aye. And so later on in your life, you look fucking ugly. So you're only buying beauty for a couple more years by the expense of your attractiveness later on, whereas you're not... I wouldn't say you were doing that with intelligence. Like, you might be stupid,

but by reading more books, you're making yourself more... I mean, not necessarily more intelligent. You can read loads of books and still be thick as big shit. like you might be stupid but by reading more books you're making yourself more you know i mean not necessarily more intelligent you can read loads of books and somebody's thickest picture depends what books you read but uh it's unless you get dementia i guess then that's kind of you know i've been calling dementia dementia as in the words what there's two of them you're forgetting shapes it It's D. I've been corrected a couple of times now for saying dementia. I'm like, is it not dementia?

No. I can't even blame my accent for that one. I've just been saying it wrong. Dementia. Because they get stupider. So you go dementia. That's how you remember it. Dementia.

I was with a Northern Irish comic who said waz you must have had a bag of waz I was like you mean whiz

he was like are you mocking my accent don't even pretend that's an accent thing you just got the drug wrong whiz you would just be the grandad

what's called whiz whiz speed oh oh that's right I didn't I didn't fucking buy my drugs from Narnia I've just been a grandad. What's it called? Whiz? Whiz. Speed. Oh. Oh, sorry. I didn't fucking buy my drugs from Narnia. Can I get a little bag of Whiz, please? Oh, yeah.

Here it comes. Little pink fucking little glittery bags of shit. Did you not know Speed was called Whiz? I've not. I don't think I've done... Any time I've done Speed, I only found out afterwards that I was doing Speed. Like, I've never... I've never gone, Oh, Speed, count me in. I've done Speed. Speed was probably the first drug I'd done any time I've done Speed I only found out afterwards that I was doing Speed like I've never I've never gone

oh Speed count me in I've done Speed Speed was probably the first drug I'd done apart from weed I'd done it in a Thin Lizzy tribute band Limehouse Lizzy

they were very good in a bike I meet remember the 4X crew I do remember the 4X where we're throwing axes I do at the wall at that fucking weed biker

tavern that they had before they did all their charity work and we had to do a real big reassessment of what we thought bikers were you wouldn't fuck with them but they also do a lot for the community. Aye, I went in and hung out with these bikers where they threw axes at the wall told us about all the guys that they'd beaten up

and then we're like, anyway, any chance you lads could perhaps donate some money to a charity ride we're doing tomorrow just to give Christmas to all the homeless people in the area Aye, we're doing like an, any chance you lads could perhaps donate some money to a charity right towards the end of the month just to give Christmas to all the homeless people in the area? We're doing like an Easter egg hunt with the kids.

Like, oh. With these pussies? Yeah. Sorry, I thought you were bikers. We are. Okay. Alright, those ones. You've got tassels

on your bike there, mate. So, what was it? Yeah, it was one of their do's I was 16 years old I went to the Golden Eagle got home had some whiz

Golden Eagle that's the name of the pub aye that's a bit Nazi Golden Eagle Golden Eagle it's a bit

you can say it's America and I'll agree with you but I'll also tell you that right now America's also quite close to Nazi but Golden Eagle that's at the top of like the fucking Roman standard bearers.

They were my derby team in pub football. Oh, what was your... I played for the Kitty Brewster. The what? The Kitty Brewster. Oh, that, the name of another pub. Aye. Right.

And derby was... Even though every game's a derby, it's local football. Just when you were the lads on that team, quite well. Aye, that's the other pub that's within a fucking stone's throw or sorry a pint glass throw at the other pub

and that's so I take and this was it's an accent thing I take this with and the taxi arrived I take one to the nightclub

and you're like fuck it I'll race you day to day night I'm kidding really there wasn't there was five of us

oh right the taxi was four seater aye oh yeah yeah and that's one of the very few laws that people in your area

dare to like I know we've just done drugs and I know we're about to go underage to a fucking club to two underage girls

but no no no only everyone got their seatbelts on that is the one thing we will stick to here road safety it's not to be fucked with fuck the police

but traffic officers no no them I respect yeah the only thing that took us so long getting there was I looked both ways when I crossed the road

and stuck to the green cross code and listened to the singing hedgehog for traffic safety I remember that king of the road that was that. Gang of the road. That was the one. Gang of the road. And I ran to the nightclub, which is called BJ's.

Oh. Like blowjobs. Is that like one of the things where like fucking non-locals turn up, foreigners turn up in the building? It's called BJ's. And you go, really, like none of us knew that here? I get what you're saying. Like you think we're so stupid that we just named it BJ's that's like and you go really like none of us none of us knew that here like that no

I get what you're saying like you think we're so stupid that we just named it BJ's but that's just you being a we know what it's called we know what it's called people in this area

know what blowjobs are from the age of six let's not let's not pretend you came up here from London with your hoity-toity

blousa attitudes I'm still not done with the Chinese man suing his wife for being ugly he's called Mr Feng I think I guess

no he is so he sued his right I mean could but on the other side of things could she

theoretically sue him if he'd like if she'd married him because he was rich and he then like did a bad business deal and then lost all that money could she then

fucking sue him for no longer being rich because I would argue that's the he married her for bullshit reasons she married him for bullshit reasons

oh so like you mean if he didn't if he had money yeah if he had money and then lost a bunch of money in a bad business deal, could she sue him? Because she...

Well, maybe, it depends how he loses the money. I reckon if gambling was the reason, then aye. Aye, just sue it away. I reckon if like,

drugs and prostitutes were the reason, then aye. But you know, if it was just because of the credit crunch, I probably couldn't do it for that.

Right? Like the same as he married her, if she got disfigured by accident, like someone threw acid in her face for any reason. Aye, then he couldn't sue her then. But the fact that she was an uncle to begin with. Like maybe if he pretended to be a millionaire and then turned out he wasn't,

then aye, she I should make love. But that's the bit. She didn't pretend to be hot. Like he found her hot. She didn't make that up. Like, although it was a fake version of it. Well, I don't even know if it was a fucking fake version of being hot, right?

She got work done to make herself more appealing. It wasn't like an illusion, like an actual fucking illusion. He saw her face, he touched it, he probably fucking came on the thing. Like, he tested its durability. And also, like...

Also, couldn't you then just sue any fucking person in the world? Like, outside of fucking George Clooney, who gets more attractive as he gets older, who could you not sue for getting uglier? And also, isn't appearance subjective

well maybe she was so fucking ranted it wasn't imagine that was the court case like they're just being like look beauty is subjective and just his closing statement was holding up the baby and the court went fair enough actually that is do you want to see the before photos

do you have the I don't know because somebody sent it in a whatsapp conversation and I click on the screen cap but they've actually sent the link

and I can see that in the link there's the photo there oh here we go so now this is that's before on the left

where she looks like a male prisoner oh yeah and then on the on the right where she's like a male prisoner oh yeah and then on the on the right where she I mean yeah I mean yeah the plastic surgery

made her look better here we go the girl was so ugly he refused to believe his stunning wife could have produced the child he rounded on his partner accusing her of having an affair

but she told him the terrible truth her good god I fucking hate everything to do this isn't the male but it is the male er

her good looks reduced 63,000 pounds of plastic surgery and the baby was indeed theirs furious thing Fucking hate everything to do with this. This isn't the mail, but it is the mail. Our good looks would do it. £63,000 to £2,000 in plastic surgery and the baby was indeed theirs. Furious Feng. Great. You fucking bigot. Dugard to court claiming she'd tricked him into marriage and he won his lawsuit. Here we go.

Feng said, this is his quote. I married my wife out of love, but as soon as we had our first daughter we began having marital issues her daughter was incredibly ugly to the point where it horrified me Jesus fuck apparently that was apparently Natalie's brother was

a baby aye and Natalie's dad didn't want any photos of him because he was an ugly kid I didn't take a

photo of him well now and now his walls must be chock-a-block with pictures of Alex aye handsome boy knew he was an absolute miracle baby aye And now his walls must be chock-a-block with pictures of Alex. Aye. Handsome boy. Now he's an absolute miracle baby.

Aye. I was a cute kid. For a bit. Aye. Nah. Nah. Nah. I tried to wank over the photos, couldn't.

Nah. Not for you. Nah. Well, I think... I know, I know, I know... You were pretty cute dressed as Harry Potter. I've got that photo there when nobody else was

I was cute probably like my 20s probably like for the age of 21 and now I'm getting less cute though how much harder do you reckon it is to love

love an uglier kid because I know you've got all these powerful fucking genes inside you like women get this thing which just make you

biologically love your kid and as a as a dad like that's why babies look like us so that we don't get jealous of them so like our own

narcissism makes us love them but a dad there's only surely there's only so much so much DNA can do before you look at each other and go that's just a fucking rancid kid

and how do you love them? In a way I feel like I'd be pleased that the kid has to do more as a human to be accepted than just exist. Like, I feel like... Like, the first 10 years are going to be rough. The first 25 years are going to be rough,

but it's going to be really, like, it's going to be good forging of a very strong blade in his 20s. Yeah, you're going to rely more on your aptitude. You're going to rely more on your humour. You're going to rely more on your athleticism. You're going to have to lean more on your aptitude, you're going to rely more on your humour, you're going to rely more on your athleticism, you're going to have to lean more on other things than just being accepted by a society that's going to

look at you and go, ew. It does make you do more. And fine, fine, fine, I agree with you, but the time the kid is 20 I'll probably love it more. When it's all smart and rich and what not I know we've both got friends who we'll obviously not name

who have rancid children you're gonna think it's just happened too many times where you're gonna think your kids are good looking kids regardless of how hideous they are because I've seen it on too many occasions where I'm like oh will you believe this

I better play along oh yeah how cute I've got friends one of the reasons I like to go on social media because I don't like that part of myself I don't like the part of myself that looks at a kid and goes that's a fucking ugly kid but to be fair that part of me doesn't exist until you force

a picture of your child on me and maybe go ah but i'm doing that to myself by being on the fucking social media like i wouldn't have that reaction in the well no that's not true if i see an ugly kid in the wild i'll i'll think it to myself i'm not blind i'll be like that's a fucking i'll still be nice to it it doesn't change my treatment of the child because it's not a person yet if it's an ugly person I'll treat it like shit

it's just if someone tries to tell you the kid's cute and you have to go oh I can't argue with you you haven't put us in this position for fuck's sake

like the kid's cuteness mid-note it didn't even register on your radar until you pointed out something that wasn't it's like you point at your

kid and go look he's got three arms and you go yay he does have three arms doesn't he boy.

What the fuck he's got two arms. Can you not bring me into another lie. Why am I living a lie.

Your kid's athletic your kid's smart your kid's funny your kid's whatever I'll join in with any of those but don't don't make me lie

to your ugly kid's face you know when your brain produces oxytocin to make you love this kid to stop you wanting to eat it

because you're still a primal animal if you boil it down to the fact you're a bag of chemicals to stop you eating it but some people's babies are so ugly

they put you off your appetite anyway you need the oxytocin I'm not going to eat that I'm not going to eat that no amount of

ketchup I'd probably be able to swallow it down but then I'd throw it back up and you know what in fact you know I might as well try

because throwing it back up chewing it down then throwing this baby back up might actually make it look good because I feel like

you made it in the wrong direction all it is missing is to be deteriorated reformed via my belly and then produced back into the fucking world do you reckon you can turn down like if you're adopting kids

could you turn a kid no no do they show pictures of the kids I don't think people are going to adopt if they're that they're nicer than you man like they're not going to if you've got that in you you're not the than you man like they're not gonna if you've got that in you you're not the type to adopt

like you're a narcissist aye I don't think people that are going to adopt well to be fair one thing people that are going to adopt do often specify

which puts them back down the queue is that the baby's young young like they want it like fresh ripe straight off the tree straight off the stalk the one

well they're like people that don't adopt animals and by the way in the future when me and Cara buy dog puppies and kittens

I promise you we will tell people that they're adopted and rescued that's a lie I'm gonna whether it's true whether it's true or not

I'm telling you this for the rest of my fucking life I'm going to tell no matter where I got any pet from I'm just gonna tell people it's true whether it's true or not I'm telling you this for the rest of my fucking life I'm going to tell no matter where I got any pet from I'm just going to tell people it's rescued because it's not worth

it's not worth a discussion outside of it the amount of people who just did you rescue it you go no and they go oh I didn't want a fucking

used dog is that a thing oh yeah man people get all howdy-tighty if you don't rescue a dog 100% yes it's certainly

more so in oh no definitely in this country you're a judgmental cunt well because breeding is a shite like if you

if you're just breeding fucking cats and dogs and especially bad breeders right you're making you know how pugs are an abomination

oh yeah right that's because of breeders right so what they want to do is you shouldn't encourage people who can't breed animals.

Also, if you're listening to this and you have a pug and you keep telling people that it's cute, you're the person with the ugly baby. Aye. Pugs are literal biological abominations. They can't breathe, they can't walk, they can't bend their fucking... I'm sure it loves you, I'm sure it has characters.

Don't pretend it's cute. Aye, but they should all die and they shouldn't exist and they shouldn't exist and they shouldn't be bred right they're little abominational creatures they're great

like I love them I love dogs but every time every time a pug dies God sighs a breath of relief he's like oh thank God they've stopped trying to create

are you suggesting a pug genocide no no I'm just saying no no no I have a same stance towards pugs that I have to most human beings, right? I wouldn't kill one, but I'm not sad when it dies. Poor.

The poor little soul didn't have to be brought to this world. It didn't, exactly. Didn't have to be paraded around in a stupid little jacket. Exactly. Didn't have to be, the fort is pushed upon people. Right. So people go, like people in order to stop breeding and stop fucking bad breeding

in the same way that there's plenty of animals out there in the world that could do with fluff you just go and rescue one but the reason I'm sceptical about it I'm like I'll rescue some animals but some of them just come with 8 years of trauma with them

so you're just going to pretend you've rescued a dog yep for the rest of my fucking life when you have children are you going to pretend they're adopters

yeah just to them yeah yeah just to them nobody else everyone else will be like they're genuinely ours they don't know that yet

I just think it's it gives them more character if they think they're not from here em I was I was wondering if I'd get a dog the other day I was I'd be rocking a chair just chilling in the kitchen and I was wondering if I'd get a dog the other day

I was on my rocking chair just chilling in the kitchen and I was like how would I feel if a little doggy come running through there don't get a little one

if I could hear it's paws just tip tapping on there I think I'm buying new as well aye aye but like aye

but make sure that when you do even when you do get a dog, and I've noticed this, and it's the fucking area I live in, right? Very few people in this area. So many good dog walks. So many good dog walks. So very few people here actually have real dogs.

There's a lot of fucking, there's a lot of cat dogs in this area. Aye. There's a lot. If I can, not that I would, but if I can kick your dog over a fence, it's not a dog. It's a small look if I can not that I would but if I can kick your dog over a fence it's not a dog

it's a small rodent right and I'm not I'm not like a fucking field goal taker like in American football I'm not a kick taker but

the size of a dog is fucking important German Shepherd is a good fucking size of a dog a real actual fucking dog one that

when it gets up the reason it's not allowed on the sofa is because when it's on the fucking sofa it gets up the reason it's not allowed on the sofa is because when it's on the fucking sofa it takes up the sofa and you're like alright you get off

it's a proper companion of German Shepherd as well a real yeah and it was that's a dog from the history of

hey we're building fucking companionship here before you know back when animals were used for hunting as opposed to can I carry this

in a fucking handbag for a bit please yeah I really don't want a cuddly toy as a dog. However, there is one dog that I saw in the movie which name I forgot with rock star Lady Gaga

and movie star Bradley, Star is Born. Oh, what a film. What's the dog in that? It's actually a golden doodle, a golden retriever slash poodle and it's a fucking excellent dog

and I was gutted that it had doodle in its name Aye Aye The golden doodle Aye Excellent dog

shit name I didn't want to I didn't want to be I didn't want to be saying doodle at any point when I'm telling people what kind of dog

I've got That one Aye That's lush isn't it Because that's like that's like a cuddly toy but also a companion

it's got it all it's got it all just I just I just need a dog I think a dog should always be for Christmas

just for Christmas and only then sandwiches on boxers I just think I should be scared of Don't be a little bit scared Of somebody else's dog Right

The difference should be The reason you're not The reason you're not scared Of my dog Is because I've trained my dog And that's it That's it Aye aye

But if I tell it But if I tell it You're over Aye aye I'm carrying a knife That's why I think Because I mean that's when size

Comes into it Because staffies are fucking I love staffies I'm bulldogs I think they I mean that's when size comes into it because staffies are fucking I love staffies I'm bulldogs I think they're great as long as they're not you know

raised by neds or chavs then they're fucking great dogs just little fucking muscle real things but that see this is where because that's what

I was asking so I'm in my rocking chair I'm content I've got absolute contentment right and I was like how would I feel now with this dog i just heard the pause come doing the hall i'm like he has me buddy all right i was like i think i'd like that but this is another thing that's across my main is i don't need companionship right in a way i like i've

realized because i've um i've been working on my houston natalie's parents have been coming running stuff that right and they're helping us so I've like Natalie lived with them fuck whatever we're bursting a bubble that's what I'll really do they're helping us paint and stuff and I find myself

just yearning for a bit of time where it's just me not for like Natalie's parents to get Natalie to finish work because my time

with Natalie is different I still love that time I cherish that time but it's with someone else and then when I'm through the day I'm with Natalie's dad

painting that and I'm like oh where's the pocket in and then when I'm through the day I'm with Natalie's dad painting that and I'm like oh where's the pocket in this day where I'm on my own and there isn't one aye I think it's what we miss

from touring aha because even though we're together for a lot of the tour we're not like we've got our headphones on

we're in our iPads no one's bothering we're playing on our phones we've got that time where it's just you on your own aye with your own thoughts

which is in a way like I really enjoy just the drive down here Aye just fucking listening to Just aye put an audio book on drive at like

half the speed limit having a great time Aye Would a dog puncture that bubble No or would that dog sit in that bubble of you being on your own with you?

No, first of all, it depends on the fucking type of dog. You get any dog under the size of Bulldog. And I'm sorry to do generalisations here, but small dogs are shite. And I don't mean they're shite. Like, I love all dogs. But now in the conversation of dogs, there are shite dogs and good dogs. Now, I love all dogs but now in the conversation of dogs there are shite dogs and good dogs now I love all dogs

fortunately but shite dogs are small shite fucking those are the ones that are way more fucking needy jump up on you

don't understand fucking boundaries because they're just they're rats that are pick upable so it's so much easier a lot of them seem like toddlers that have just

got boundless energy and just run around and put fucking crayons on the wall right whereas if you get I want one that's just like aless energy and just run around and put fucking crayons on the wall, right? Whereas if you get one... I want one that's just like a stoner pal, man. You know what? Would you write anything for me?

Rescue a dog that's in its twilight years. Well, there you go. That's the vet bills, isn't it? It is the vet bills. And the morning every three years. The one thing I wanted to do, and Cara was devastated I found out about this because this is the opposite

of what she'd want you know guide dogs have a retirement age right right they've got they've just got where's their eyes starting to go

well I think just in general they're like they need a guide person they think they paid forward for all of their life and then you and we're like

just at the end we'll give you a new one I think basically at the age of 10 they're like dogs start deteriorating at this point and we're obviously i'm just at the end we'll give you a new one i think basically like at the age of 10 they're like dogs start to tear you right at this point and we're obviously not going to do frequent checkups on the dog so at this point we'll just retire them so they don't walk out into traffic with a human being attached to them but man that's like so the guide dogs have to go fucking somewhere there's no better trained dog in the world than a guide dog so there's these

shelters you go can you please can you please adopt a a guide dog so there's these shelters you go can you please can you please adopt a retired guide dog and I'll just absolutely it's coming with you to live out the remainder

of its years which could be anything from fucking one to eight years depending how long they live so yeah you'll be going through a lot of you know deaths

and dealing with it but man a ready made good dog ten fucking years old doesn't bite doesn't bark he's a good boy

he's a good boy guy there's a fucking retirement home of good boys those are the ones that need rescued I think I'm going to

get myself a good boy I'm not sure because I've never been in a position where I could get a dog because when I when I live obviously live with my parents

I've never had a dog with them because my mum's allergic to them and then when I moved out I've been in flats and I've been vagab my parents I never had a dog with them because my mum's allergic to them and then when I moved out I've been in flats and I've been vagabond and I've been like fucking moving around

this is where I'm like I've actually got a base now it's like it's nice it's a nice size there's good walks in the area it's a consideration I mean

Natalie's hearing about this conversation for the first time when she listens to this but it has crossed my mind like it makes me nice she's also spoken she wants a dog

she's spoken to people about a dog so I think I think they're both fine there also I think the other advantage of a fucking dog

one of the many advantages is it there's yeah I mean you have to go on at least one walk a day like you just you have to

like it's an it kind of stops you being a little bit it stops a bit of your laziness at any sort of moment where you're like I can't be arsed today you go doesn't matter I physically fucking have to like it's an instant it kind of stops you being a little bit it stops a bit of your laziness at any sort of moment you'd be like I can't be arsed today

you go doesn't matter I physically fucking have to right are the times of the walks at your discretion or do you have to

fucking routine it like it's a baby and go right you've got to have a walk at three and a walk at nine once again depends on when you get the dog

can I just go ah fuck it let's go for a walk now aye most of the time you can and then if it needs to be it's just laying in the back garden. Can I just go, ah, fuck it, let's go for a walk now? Aye, most of the time you can. And then if it needs to piss, just let it in the back garden. But you can take, you know, as long as it's, you let it out to piss when everyone wants to piss or shit,

and then you can take it for a walk. But the dog will start learning times and go, right, this is normally the fucking time that you, you know the Pavlov's dog thing? That comes from dogs. No way. Pavlov's dog thing was every time he, Rings the bell. dogs no way every Pavlov's dog thing was

every time he rings the bell yeah every time he fed the dog he would ring a bell and then whenever he would ring the bell

normally whenever he would ring the bell the dog would start salivating because it then associated the fucking thing

the bell it's getting it spit ready to eat yeah because it's all getting all excited and that's Pavlovian responses I also found out

this is slightly fucking related to it right but you know how sharks are dogs of the sea right you don't think they're dog fish dog sharks

I found out you know sharks captivity sharks like the ones that you fucking see in the the underground water tunnels that you go through

at sea life centres and what not I was always like you know people go scuba diving in those you can go swimming with the sharks there i'm like even then even no matter how well fed they are i'm still not fucking getting into a thing with a shark because you know you never know they could just lash out at any moment attack you apparently that's not the case at all like sharks, sharks, when they're born in captivity, when they're fed meat, they're fed, like, meat on a picture,

like a yellow star, right? So the only thing they actually associate with food is a fucking yellow star. They've never even registered that meat comes from other fucking fish. It just comes from this fucking star. So in captivity, you're absolutely fine unless, you know, you're Captain America,

just wearing one on your chest you just turn up for your shark diving and be like hey I found this starfish wetsuit I'm just a big oh god they're all coming

you could do that maybe with your dog train it to only eat because you know I like to say if I go for a walk at 8 o'clock every morning

aye right have the walk pick up my shit throw it in the neighbour's garden aye as you do what if I like

get fucking wasted and get up at 3 and wake up at 11 can you do that anymore aye can I get up at 11 and go right let's go for a walk

at 11 will my dog be like mate you're 4 hours late I've shut all the way out of your kitchen depends on your dog depends on how well you train it

aye aye like aye aye and it's obviously harder when it's a puppy because like I've shat all the way out of your kitchen depends on your dog depends on how well you train it aye aye and it's obviously harder when it's a puppy because like that's I'm not even asked to be picking up shit

some people use bags try me at Pockets man I don't I don't whenever my dog shits I just smush it into the ground

like it's a cigarette it takes ages but fuck me do I get it done I was in the car on a mini tour and you had a podcast on Bill Bear podcast

I believe and he had like I took my headphones off to I don't know like fucking look at my phone or something and I heard a bit

where it was Mark Rappaport Michael Rappaport Michael Rappaport who was in True Romance talking about how he doesn't pick up the dog's shit

and people look at him and shout at him and go you've been meant to pick that up and he's just like so and his whole attitude is

I'm aware I look like a dick I'm aware that some people are going to go hey that's Michael Rappaport I know who he is I'm going to spread the word that he's an asshole and all that

and he's like oh I'm at peace with that I'm just going to be that dickhead just not to pick up shit and I can't respect it I

I I can't respect it like the way he pitched it wasn't as if you are well fair folks I'm like I'm like no no

this is the trade off I now also think you're a dickhead and everybody that hears this story whether it's from your mouth or anybody else's, you're a fucking litterbug. You are a fucking litterbug.

But it's also... The best kind. But it's such a... And I know this isn't a uniquely American attitude, but it's the... It's one maybe I often unfairly associate with the Americans. Yeah, and what? And you go, no, no, no no but there should be morals involved

in things now there should be some sort of yeah but it doesn't bother me so fuck everyone else and you go yes but can we look at the larger picture is it more LA could be more LA maybe that's what I'm doing there's a sense of like hierarchy and entitlement to people and everybody thinks

they're something bigger than they are. I don't think it's just LA. I mean, and it's not just America. These bastards exist all over. But they're certainly more frequent in LA. I think the hierarchy thing is interesting. They're just attracted to LA. They might not all be from LA these times,

but they're drawn to LA because LA has got something that appeals to them. And also that's their that's their fucking punishment is they're all on a they're all on a fault line they'll all be dead within the next 10 years

wooden houses on a fault line I think we discussed this quite a bit we have I still find it fucking fascinating man like the actually makes sense

because these are just rebuild if you spend a whole time building your house with bricks and then it just gets rumbled anyway and you get oh for fuck's sake the whole eight billion years with bricks and then it just gets rumbled anyway and you get oh for fuck's sake is the age to build with bricks

alright alright but right but you know you know the countries have things like you know the fucking pyramids in America

has none of them that's because we built it out of stone and that's not true that's just it's a young country well I mean it's a young western country

it's a young western country it's a young western country but in South America there was plenty and plenty of fucking pyramids that's where all the stupid conspiracy theories come out how come

how come there's pyramids in this part of South America and there's pyramids in this part of Egypt and there's pyramids in this part of this all built around about the same time

you go because those are buildings that do well over time triangles have got good structural integrity wherever you're going aye wherever you're from

whichever corner of the universe actually it's just it's a very it's very basic physics and understanding of it's not even yeah physics

mathematics mathematics to do with fucking shapes my erm erm aye so I've I've I mean I mean no no I so I've I mean no no

we don't have to don't feel you have to put this in this is the Covid silence that exists that exists in conversations now and it's hard to do when you're podcasting because in everyday conversation everyone understands what it is

you're just talking to in everyday conversation, everyone understands what it is. You're just talking to someone, right? What are your mates? And you've said, hey, how are you? You've updated each other in the last month of your life, year of your life. It's all the fucking same. And then you just go, well, that's nothing.

I did that when I walked in. Like, how are you? And I was like, I've got no new opinions I've got no I haven't read any news I've painted walls I'm on my fifth room

of painting of eh and I just I just don't have anything hard to the world no I've read a book

I'm enjoying reading finished I'm fucking chewing through books and I'm so eh I didn't realise Kindle and Amazon

and I know capitalism is shit and we should all fucking hate it but occasionally they do good and I'm a big fan of it the bookmark the bookmark thing was already a wonderful feature I would discuss this if you bookmark your book it also updates your audiobook if you have both

so if you've got both the audiobook and the Kindle book, if you read up to a certain bit... And then realise you've got to drive. Yeah, it'll automatically go to the same position, which is already fucking brilliant. Now, I was using all my credits to buy these books stupidly, not realising that Kindle also do another fucking great deal which is

it's called like fucking Whisper something if you buy any book and they have an audiobook on it you instantly get a fucking discount on the audiobook of it so you're not paying full price I've been busy using my fucking free tokens on the audiobook and it was only today when I was downloading the Oathbringer which is the

next Brandon Sanderson one and they were like oh you can get this one for £2.99 and I'm like oh fucking wonderful because we discussed that on it which is I understand why you have to pay more well you have to pay, you can't just buy a book and then get the audiobook for free because it's two entirely separate things

yeah it's a different production there's the guy that wrote the fucking book and those people the voice actor of the production Yeah, it's a different production. There's the guy that wrote the fucking book and those people and then there's the people. The voice actor and the production team. Aye. So it's... A good voice actor makes an audiobook, man. Lies of Locke Lamora, once again, thanks to I know I've spoken about this constantly, but

thanks to Gareth Waugh for it and obviously Sid and Rooney for all their nerdy suggestions, which is probably where Gareth got it from anyway. But the voice guy in The Lies of Locke Lamora it's the first time I've ever gone oh now

I okay now I can listen to fucking audiobooks also but I do I've got to turn up the speed a bit yeah I've got it on 1.3 or whatever yeah 1.25 and it's weird because in this one there's like there's a girl in it as well so they've got a woman 1.3 or whatever. Yeah, 1.25. And it's weird, because in this one,

there's a girl in it as well. So they get a woman to do the girl voices. And it's just, I was like, why the fuck does she sound so fucking weird? There was a certain word she just said sounded so fucking wrong. Different between whiz and whaz. You go, that's not a fucking tonal thing.

That's not an accent. Why is this woman saying words? And then I realised, because the speed was fast. Have you ever put it back down to one now, how slow it feels? You go, that's not a fucking tonal thing. That's not an accent. Why is this woman saying words? And then I realised because it was... The speed. The speed was fast. Have you ever put it back down to one now, how slow it feels? It feels so sluggish at the regular pace now.

That said, normally in the first 15 minutes of a start and I read the audiobook, I have to rewind it a lot. Aye. It takes us a while before my brain just locks in. Every now and again, my brain will just wheel spin I'll lose about a minute of the book

and then I'll end up rewinding it like too far and I'm like oh I've heard this bit and if you've heard the bit you're more inclined to drift off again

aye because you're like alright I'll tune back in when it's the bit and I end up sometimes I'll have to rewind to listen to the same bit like three times

and I start getting frustrated but I persevere every time I persevere but it's fucking, that's the head fucker audiobooks, you can't just flick back the page or like move your eyes to the other part you've got to physically do something

to, it'd be good if I mean once they connect all of our bodies up to technology which Elon Musk is apparently doing you just look left and it'll rewind for you and you look right and it'll fast forward for you and sure they're scanning your brains and they're learning all your secrets

but you don't have to go into your back pocket anymore there's buttons on the steering wheel for it I'm just driving I've pressed the button on my steering wheel it goes back 30 seconds oh speaking of cars mine's fixed yes why have we never talked about this this is like a 4 week old story and we're like oh 30 seconds. Oh, speaking of cars, mine's fixed. Yes, why have we never talked about this? This is like a four week old story.

And we're like, oh, we've run out of conversation. We've got COVID silences. Your car got eaten by squirrels? Aye, it did. Aye, aye. So... Not in China,

a car got eaten by squirrels. Not in America, a car got... In thiss no not in America a car got in this very house your car was eaten by squirrels was eaten by squirrels top to bottom none of it left

end of story yep come back next week the so I'd driven down to do Graham Norton

and and his show and his show well that's why I got on the show at that point I didn't know whether I's why I got on the show at that point I didn't know whether I was going to be on the show I didn't know how well I was going to do see this is how old the story is

and we haven't told it aye it's fucking amazing so we drive down and the car had been acting up for a couple of weeks before you remember before going up to

before going up to the Inverness gig yes I was losing my fucking mind because the car oh yes because the beep in with the as if you had your seatbelt off ah yeah yeah you're like I was losing my fucking mind because the car oh yes because the beeping with the

as if you had your seatbelt off ah yeah yeah you're like I've got my seatbelt on ah and I was losing my fucking because if there's if you ever want to torture me right

don't bother with knives don't bother with water torture don't bother with anything fucking physical if you ever need to torch me put me near something that beeps and I can't turn it off

and I will kill myself in under five minutes i cannot fucking stand beeping i don't know i don't know what happened to me when i was younger like whether i was fucking raped by r2d2 or whether i was forced to sleep through a fucking fire alarm but like your washing machine is needy man oh man it's i i fucking scream at inanimate objects if they beep too much. Like our microwave has a fucking three beep system, which enrages me. Because there should be two beeps.

It's over, beep, beep, there you go, done. It says, beep, beep. Like a Nokia text. Beep, you go, shut the fuck up, got it? Aye. So the car's beeping, it's not letting me Fucking drive it And I've got My favourite thing

You know if someone's In the front seat of their car They're riding shotgun And it's beeping Because they haven't got Their belt on I never tell them To put their belt on

I say Grab the handle And just lift your weight Off the seat So it was So it was fucking up then And I was getting Very annoyed

It's an expensive car It's an expensive car it's an expensive car it's a luxury car it's not feeling too luxurious right now it's a Tesla fucking model and I'm fucking raging

because I go this should work 100% of the time all the fucking time because that's what I fucking paid for going down to London

the problems come every week or so I'm like just don't fucking do it before this trip to London we drive down halfway down it's like you need some coolant system and I'm like just don't fucking do it before this trip to London we drive down half way down it's like you need

some coolant system and I'm like so I book myself immediately on my app on the phone book in for the Tuesday it's fine drive down there

drive back up the road to the next day after Graham Norton it keeps going you need to update your coolant I'm like well I booked into the thing and you know I'm booked

into the thing so you just you're like I booked you into the dentist and you're still telling me you've got sore teeth like I can't I can't get the dentist to open up at midnight you're going I'll put you into the dentist and you're still telling me you've got sore teeth like I can't I can't get the dentist

to open up at midnight you're going to the dentist tomorrow shut the fuck up get all the way up send it in oh no no and they're like can you come drop it off tomorrow

I'm like 100% get into my car that morning the chair is going in and out up and down the steering wheel is going in and out up and down

it's beeping the lights are going on it's fucking like Christine Stephen King aye aye Like Christine Stephen King Aye aye Is that Stephen King? Yeah

Ah I watched that movie When I was like fucking 11 or 12 Aye well the car just fucking Has a mind of its own Aye So the car

So the All the electronics are just like Fucking Like literally here Losing their fucking minds right So I phone up Tesla And I go Aye

They can't Oh right So I phone up Tesla and I go hey they can't oh right so I phone up Tesla right and I go I need you to come

pick up they can't they can't get out the fucking I can't drive it so they send the guy around they think they need a crane they don't need a crane

eventually they send some guys around the next day they drag it away and they go it's all on us and it's that sort of really nice service you get when you do

it's like British Airways right yeah the one you need to have a good time yeah they go is there anything and they go it's all on us and it's that sort of really nice service you get when you do it's like British Airways right yeah the one you don't have a good time yeah they go is there anything and they go we'll do it

and you go but what about they go we'll do it it's go live your life we'll get the car sorted I'm like

oh brilliant two days later woman throws up she goes hi Daniel and that's what she says and she doesn't enjoy my banter or she didn't get my banter

she goes hi Daniel it's Nicole at Tesla and I went he's dead Nicole at Tesla I didn't get your banter or she didn't get my banter she goes hi Daniel it's Nicole at Tesla and I went he's dead Nicole at Tesla I didn't get your banter either

Nicole oh Nicole at Tesla what the fuck Nicole at Tesla so she goes she goes it's Nicole at Tesla and I went

he's dead and she went what I went Nicole at Tesla Nicole at Nicole at Tesla he's dead she goes it's Nicole at Tesla and I went he's dead and she went what I went Nicole at Tesla Nicole at Nicole at Tesla he's dead

she goes yeah I guess anyway we've got your car here and I'm like oh this is going terribly already she was very nice after and

I'm like how come you've never heard that before how can you answer the phone every day aye it's Nicole at Tesla and I'm the fucking first person

to make a Nicola Tesla joke it's what your company's named after it's not a coincidence it's not like Elon Musk pulled that name out of his fucking arse he named it after Nicola Tesla either that or she's heard that joke every

fucking day and I'm just not the first that's probably more likely. Anyway, she goes, she goes, we found the problem with your car. I'm like, all right. You know, it's a technical fucking fault. And she goes, a group, a nest of rodents,

we don't know which, has chewed through all the wires in the front. And I'm like, what? And she sent through the photos. And I'm, there's no light. This is rat or squirrel teeth chewing through wires. There's little fucking jobbies.

Little dogs and fucking shit. Little dogs. On the inside of my fucking supercar car, right? So I'm laughing down the phone instead of going, how is, how has this happened? What do you mean they live inside of my,

why were they building a nest did you start feeling like you know how when you're on tour and something's like crisp packets and fucking

gangsters pie wrappers and all that are there are you like oh I've a course of rat infestation I'm that much of a slob did that cross your mind

yes because she was she was she goes she goes we found a bit of bacon from a sandwich underneath one of the seats just in the photos she goes maybe this was found a bit of bacon from a sandwich underneath one of the seats

just in the photos she goes maybe this was luring them in I go well I can't get I can't yeah yeah

but that was like that was like in the car itself in the bit that you're sitting not in the car so I wasn't I wasn't believing that as much and I was like

you know what there's proof they've got the rats in there so I phone up fucking Churchill right and this is you know how I fucking hate companies and i hate phoning fucking people right i have to give a hundred percent fucking props to churchill car insurance here i phone them up and i go i have no idea if you're going to cover this right but rats have chewed through the wires in my tesla and the woman's like, what?

I was like, yep. I think it's because when the car's charging, the battery's warm. So during the winter months, and we're getting some cunt next door has destroyed a building, cut down a bunch of trees. Yeah, because there's a building site there,

they've cut down 13 trees. One of them, his roots were in your garden and nearly pulled your fucking garden fence down. So you've already had trouble with him. The bastards fucking next door, they've made several thousand squirrels fucking homeless at this point. They found a nice warm retreat in your charging car.

In my charging car. And I go, is there any chance my insurance covers this? And she goes, I mean, I don't think so, but I'll check. Like it's not a car crash. It's a little small print about squirrels. Aye, and it's written by them. And they're like, it's like it's not a car crash it's a little small print about squirrels aye and it's written by them

and they're like it's totally fine charge the cunts I wonder if there's like an added paragraph to the terms now because of you well I hope

I hope not right so she goes she phones up I phoned her back up a bit early and she goes yeah we'll cover it

and I went really she goes yeah you have to pay the excess but you know we'll pay for and I went really? she goes yeah you have to pay the excess but you know we'll pay for it so they go away

and they fucking get in contact with Tesla they start fixing it week passes phone rings hi Daniel it's Nicola Tesla do you reckon he was

serving you recreation? doesn't matter doesn't matter the joke's I know you don't like it the airport's creation she goes we found more

they fixed the front of the car goes we found more they fixed the front of the car more squirrels more yeah another nest at the fucking back in the back beside the

because there's like had evidence of them or they found the squirrels oh no more evidence of them

right less exciting less exciting but with food and we'd found all of our fucking Christmas leftovers, which I know had been put in, we've got our fucking leftover bin.

And whenever it gets knocked over, I assume it's just knocked over by the fucking wind or something. Right? But it's not. So clearly fucking squirrels have broken in. Because I'm like, those are the roast potatoes I made at fucking Christmas

in the back of my fucking tent. So they've took your Christmas dinner? Into your fucking car, yes! Having a fucking lovely wee Christmas back of my fucking tent so they've took your Christmas dinner into your fucking car yes having a fucking lovely wee Christmas dinner on the fucking inside this is like a Disney story so it's another

it's another you're the bad guy in a Disney story it's another four and a half grand of damage in the back right so I'm like

oh my fucking god like there's no way Churchill's gonna fucking like they've just covered this two grand damage which they were already like we'll cover it this once but don't be you're like there's no way Churchill's going to fucking like they've just covered this two grand damage which they were already like we'll cover it

this once but don't be you're like there's more squirrels Churchill I phone Churchill up I go there's more squirrels right

it's not even the same woman it's a different woman she's laughing down the phone and she goes yeah we'll cover it and I'm like like mid pandemic like I'm going

really she's like yeah yeah it'm going really she's like yeah yeah it's all covered she goes we'll not add this to your no claims

discounts not ruined because this isn't a crash it's not your fault nothing you've done just it's on the same excess it's on the same fucking excess

double jeopardy on the excess no no same fucking excess so they've pretty much had to fucking rebuild your entire car. Because fucking dirt a lot of squirrels.

Because of squirrels. And is this just like a fucking one in a million thing? Or if Tesla are going to go, right, we're going to have to put maybe a mesh up there or a grill that we can't get in. That's what I fucking said to them. I'm like, is there any way we can stop squirrels getting... Because this isn't going to not happen anymore. Because this is a... When it snowed and your car had been taken away,

it was already gone and it snowed, I saw squirrel footprints leading up to my car and my arse dropped. I was like, oh, no. Oh, that day in the road. This is an expensive... They're like, okay, well, this one's an Audi, but it's...

No, no, no, come on. I know it's a bit of a step down, but it's still nice. It's new. You know, like that new, that fake no, no, come on. I know it's a bit of a step down, but it's still nice. It's new. You know, like that new, that fake new car smell, the one. I think it's great. And if Cara's put the light,

it's not Schitt's Creek. Yeah, come on. They're like, we're not that bad. I would rather sleep in the fucking cold. I'd sleep in a fucking Skoda before I slept in that piece of shit. Now, the word up to caras as well but cara pointing out that um because ours aren't electric cars they're more compact with the way everything's

fitted into the car there's not really anywhere to get in or anywhere to live once you got in there so they just come and show the disinterest in ours is what happened but we always nice warm it's right beside leftover pins so I was like what do I do she's like you can just find people in the area that will fucking kill the

rats or squirrels for you or and I'm like well Cara would never allow that to happen so I've got to go find some cruelty free way

so you get there's this frequency that they can't hear like a supersonic fucking pitch it's just like a little fire alarm and I've just stuck that

on the underside of the Tesla but part of me does just feel like good part of me wants to just get in contact with Elon Musk and go hey man

this is quite an expensive fucking thing for somebody who is so engaged with like putting computer games onto the car making this as good as possible there's a whoopee cushion

on my car but like there's no scroll defence there's a fucking whoopee cushion on my car but like there's no scroll defence there's a fucking whoopee cushion on my car laser beams man aye

like just I'm not complaining now but just for future could you just put while the car's in park have this ultra high frequency which you could just have on all your cars

and put that in but the one thing holding me back is not never in my fucking life will I be the type of man that tweets Elon Musk I can't be that

I can't be that incel man people do and he's been before got the Musk not on Twitter it's a direct line of contact it's a fucking gamble man and also apparently he does

like the Tesla guys were like you know when I first got the car they were like go on the Tesla forums be be part of the community. And I was like, no. No, no, no, no. Did you not even attempt to go on there and see if there was anybody with scroll problems?

No, no. Did you even Google it and did it not even try and take you to a forum that you had to actively avoid? No, I didn't Google any of it. I just accepted fate as what it was. Here's a question. no I didn't google any of it I just accepted fate as what it was

here's a question you drove to London and there was more damage on your way back than there was on the way there did you take a squirrel and his family to London we don't know

you might have took them on a little holiday we might have done drinking the Scottish squirrels going around London just fucking bossing the joint well I reckon

yeah yeah but I reckon they came back to the car they were like fucking night out in London came back two days later and the Tesla's car they were like fucking night out in London came back two days later and the Tesla's gone and they're like

fuck we live in London now the kids have got cockney accents it's like your origin story yeah but in reverse but I'm terrified

the Galapagos Islands you know when the Captain Cook's ships turned up the Galapagos Islands and the rats got off. Just ate everything. Ate everything, like loads of species there.

That's my theory of what happened with Earth. The ships come down, looked at Earth, stayed here on the way somewhere, left, right? But we were the rats on the ship. Humans were the rats on the ship. A couple of them got off and were just fucking destroying this whole planet oh that doesn't that makes sense which i mean there's also there's a ship of that some of us aliens where humans are the rats on it i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't mind that

be like like don't get me wrong like obviously like i'd like to be on the i'd like to be on the world forever and i hope I hope global warming doesn't happen but when it does happen and we're all fucked if you could be a fucking space rat it's better it's better than being a dying rat

on a fucking planet I could hide in the rafters of some sort of alien thing but I mean we lost that roll of the dice mate we got off the ship where are the squirrels in London? oh fuck so I'm just fucking strapped here

maybe they'll come back they'll never come back. Not for the rats. Like, they might come to refuel on the way back. Oh, but maybe, yeah. So, shall we say, if a spaceship come down to refuel... Aye, aye. ...with seawater or whatever they use,

would you just quickly climb back on and go, Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Maybe they got so far out there and they were like fuck we're running out of fuel and they learned how to make fuel out of the rats and they've come back and they're like great you guys populated

this is superb And then you just make fuel for the spaceship I'd say I mean it's all fixed now and for only the excess of 950 so a genuine shout out

to first of all Tesla for getting it done as quickly as they possibly could support the small business here shout them out check out Churchill's Etsy

I will I fucking you know what because the amount of times big companies get fucking shat because they're all big and evil but I tell you what

I was not in a million years did I expect mid-fucking pandemic to float up a corporation guy, a corporation and go, Oi, something unfair and unjust happened to me and I pay you for a service that is meant to help me in this situation. I'm so used to the other people going,

Ha ha, fuck you, loophole. And then hanging up the phone and me not getting what I paid for. It's never gone the other way going, ha ha, fuck you, loophole, and then hanging up the phone and me not getting what I paid for. It's never gone the other way. It's never gone, hey, no, no, no, no. Tell you what, we'll pay all of it. Go on, it's a pandemic. Have some fun. Go on. Just nice.

Just a nice bit of capitalism. I'd like to shout out Apple and Nike. Be real, you don't want to shout out Apple. You've had enough bad experiences with them. You know what I'm enjoying about Apple at the minute, though? They've fucking nailed the photos on the phone. What?

Your photos on your phone. Like, if you're looking for a photo, there's a belt of photo of bras on a horse, right? And sometimes I want the picture of bras on a horse. They both look sad. He's on his honeymoon. He's on a horse. He doesn't want to be on the horse.

The horse doesn't want him on his back. But his wife has went, let's go He's on his honeymoon. He's on a horse. He doesn't want to be on the horse. The horse doesn't want him on his back. But his wife has went, let's go horse riding on our honeymoon. And there's this amazing artistic picture of my friend Lee Brosnan on a horse, both of them sad. And once every 18 months, I want that photo.

I want to put it back out into the world, right? Now, I need to scan it into my phone. Type in horse. I haven't categorised it as horse. It just narrows what the fuck a horse looks like. You scroll through 90 pictures of Elliot and then get to the one with bras on his back. I just have Elliot photos.

In fact, I wanted Elliot's tattoo photo to put online yesterday. Did you type in shite tattoo? I typed in tattoo. It didn't work. Shite tattoo. Nailed it Back of the net

It loaded shit There was a photo That I wanted of Mark Nelson With a bag of cans Outside of a window Aye Right I couldn't

Obviously couldn't type in Mark Nelson bag of cans Outside window right Like it's not there yet Yeah yeah Right Mark Nelson's face It's a belt of photo

Mark Nelson We couldn't get into a pub Because the Champions League Final was on It's not there yet. Right? Mark Nelson's face, it's a belt, a photo. Mark Nelson, we couldn't get into a pub because the Champions League final was on. It's in Brighton where nobody cares about football. Right? A handful of people care about football. Right?

And those that do are Brighton fans. So they're not, they're not real football fans. They're not interested in Champions League football. It's not for them. So there's like three pubs in the whole of Brighton with a Champions League final on me and Mark

have just finished my first gig we've got enough time to watch the final and then see my second gig right so we've got to

find a pub that either haven't got it on or the place is rammed because it's one of the only places Mark Nelson

got a bag of cans and watched the Champions League final through a house window he stood there watching the fucking game

through somebody's window and they spotted him and they were just saying aye watch the match whatever it's Brighton

that sound I was over the road watching it through the pub window but Mark had straight across the road to watch it there so what did you

type in for the photo then I just went to Brighton on the map I zoomed in on Brighton until I got to the fucking pub

until I seen the photos flash up it logs where you took the photo and it has like... I could type in your name and it would bring up every photo of you

that it recognises you on, right? And I haven't identified who you are to it. It's just done the maths somehow. I mean, that's just... It's fucking... It's intrusive but it's super useful.

I feel like that's... You can type in bra and forget the nudes off your lady. I wonder if Samsung's you can type in bra and find out forget the nudes off your lady I wonder if Samsung's got a version of this

they've got they've got to keep up hold on they've got to keep up em see what I've found with this intrusive em

intrusive things with technology is like for instance if I'm getting advertised to snowboarding stuff because it knows I like snowboarding I've just said snowboarding now

it's the snowboard season. Oh, my God. Is it working? Aye. I've just typed in Scotland, so it's come up. Oh, my fucking God, this is terrifying. So a bunch of my Royal Bank of Scotland bank cards,

which I've taken photos of, which I realised shouldn't be on my phone. Mate, you were looking for your passport photo to resend it so you don't have to take the photo again type in passport

it comes up that one healing coup on my fucking pillowcase because you typed in Scotland because I typed

in Scotland yes um picture of Billy Gilmore young Chelsea fucking superb man

Scottish all of our results the word Scotland that's easy to do I know how that's done I recognise the Scotland badge yeah

fucking mad great so it's not specific to Apple then obviously Samsung probably did it first but I feel like I've discovered it

just in the last couple of months and it's been a fucking godsend because my phone has full of photos like far too many to even conceive

figuring it out the fact that I can just find a phone that I can take in a key way of knowing where it was taken at least right

you get your Apple phone out right now I'll get my phone and we'll both type in the word dick okay okay

phew Elliot steals tattoo no result so yeah that that intrusiveness of your phone knowing shit

right and I mentioned as well alongside it like if if it's snowboarding season and I've mentioned snowboarding then my phone will start

trying to fucking sell as a snowboard right and I've mentioned snowboarding then my phone will start trying to fucking sell as a snowboard right but that's advertising that I like my my parody

likeness is if you got burgled but the burglar tidied your house and like alphabetised stuff done your dishes

and you come home and you're like oh this is creepy there's people been invading my personal space but I really like what they've done

with the place. I know. It's wrong, it's wrong, but like, come back next week. Oh, God. No, it's so... It's intrusive, but they've intruded to do something good. No, no, but it's one of those things where I go,

but that's not why you invented that technology, is it? What was that technology actually for? For the payment that they're getting for the data that they're giving for the snowboard company whose money is getting all my money and every like-minded person's money. It's for the advertising revenue. If it's free, you're the product. Capitalism, baby.

Yes. Right. That is a podcast is it that is a podcast fucking hell that was easy I don't know considering we had

no wonder there's so many of them that was a piece of piss you know what now that I get it I get it literally anyone can do this your dad has shower curtains on his windows of his house

your dad makes his own e-cigarette flavours his personal favourites are water sneeze cat chocolate I think and do not try

parentheses unless you are dead hard your dad chokes on his food on purpose in public places in the hope that a stranger will give him the Heimlich manoeuvre And how do you think he meant my mum? I think you've got a problem When someone asks for a glass of water

at your dad's house, he says Boiling or bath? Your dad has been released back into the wild but they tagged him with a GPS for research. Your dad says he's got a gay dad but all he actually does is spin around in a gay bar calling everyone a faggot. Your dad waves goodbye with his entire body. He's like one of them things outside of a car park.

A car park? A car salesman. Yeah, I mean, the part of the car's that makes it what it is. Your dad spits in his belly button and then drops mini bath bombs in it while tweaking his nipples to reach climax. Weird kink. Your dad winces and sucks air through his teeth

any time somebody mentions your name. Especially if it's prefixed with welcome to the stage. So your son, Daniel, your dad is in therapy because of all these jokes. You should feel bad about that. Well, no, don't worry, I bring up in my therapy. So I don't feel bad about that. I don't feel bad about that. Well, no, don't worry. I bring up in my therapy. That's a problem about my dad.

Speaking of therapy, that was nice. Speaking of you there. What we're going to do is I'm going to stop this. We're going to press record again and do a little intro. Fancy doing an intro? Sure. I'll do an intro. Make it good.