Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.9 Ceebs Teebs

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

Your old pals muggins and cream talking about stuff, this and that get's covered, they discuss things and laugh at sillies. Matty the pincer is the butt of yet another injustice which is always very funny. Enjoy 

What do you think my poignanty means? Oh, it's just the intro Hello and welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road Our brand new podcast About the struggles of Dating in the workplace Struggles of being matty

Struggles of I mean, I'd never Remember what we talk about, I don't know why I have to do these intros It's a podcast where we Talk shite and you'll enjoy it. Make and subscribe. I laughed during this week's episode, so that's new. So this must be a good one. Rate and review.

I hope we're publicising this. I think that's what intros are for, isn't it? Hi. I hope we're a podcast, a little upstart. Getting off the ground. Also, we about a podcast, a little upstart, getting it off the ground? Also, we're sponsored by... And you saw? Aye, hopefully.

Fingers crossed. Upper Arse. That's how I put mine on. How do you apply yours? The Easter podcast. This is shite. Then why are we doing a second podcast? Fine.

Fine, here's an intro and then it'll start abruptly. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? So I say, right, I took the kitchen roll. I was like, use the last bit of kitchen roll. I was like, I need to remind myself to buy some kitchen roll next time I'm in the shops. So I said out loud, I'm going to buy kitchen roll next time I'm in the shops.

buy some kitchen roll next time I'm in the shops so I said out loud I'm going to buy kitchen roll next time I'm in the shops or if somebody asks me if I need anything from the shops like whenever Troy or Colin go to the shops I'll say yes kitchen roll four hours later Troy comes downstairs and he goes I'm going to the shops does anyone need

anything and I go so excited I'm like yeah me I need something from the shops and he goes what and I was like fuck me I need something from the shops and he goes what and I was like fuck I just I just knew I needed something from the shops that I thought I'd reminded myself I was like catch you know but all my dumb ass memory got was uh-huh something and Troy was like what and I was like no idea he's like but you're smiling is this a bet I'm like no no I'm just I'm so happy I remembered.

But not. I remember I wanted something on the shop, chuffed with that. But not. What it is, nobody knows. It was started a bit abruptly there,

but you started telling a story. Aye. And I was like, why are we having this conversation off air? We made the mistake of talking, starting talking off air. This is why I tell you to shut the fuck up

the second you walk in. was did you have a routine or has it crept into my brain somehow else right that you went up to someone in the shops and said like where would i be if i was cottage cheese oh no that's not my routine that's that was me that was me trying to work out. Somebody else has that joke. I think it's a Sean Walsh joke. Oh, because it keeps coming into my head. Every time I kind of find something in the shop, right? I'm like, where would I be if I was Kaffir Lameleaf? I'm still a member of staff, right?

And I'm like, I've thought that so many times. I'm starting to convince myself it was mine. And I was like, I've got to ask E if you want but you heard that off somebody else and then tell it to me I also think I've three times

removed got that into my head I also think it's a I don't think I don't think it's a properly unique thought

I think that's occurred to a bunch of people like I've also definitely seen it on Reddit and I think I've seen it in a meme

as well before like right you know what eh I always think of like shit stuff to say to the guy

at the checkout when I'm queuing because you're queuing so you've got time to think right and there's somebody there that's boring to the mind and I nearly went

I just had bananas just bananas I was like I didn't know you sold pets here I didn't say it but I want to do and it was like

intrusive thought like I just got up and gone I've named these and then start rhyming with their names I didn't say it, but I want to do. It was like intrusive thought. I just got up and gone, I've named these. And then start writing down their names. It's Darren, Susan. I always think of just shit stuff to say to the cashier just to make them think that you're absolutely bonkers. Well, just so they've got something to talk about for the rest of the day. Well, just to make them that.

Just to break the monotony with something shite. Oh, you mean to make them present? Aye. To be like a weird form of meditation? Aye. break the monotony with swimming shite oh you mean to make them present aye to be like a weird form of meditation aye because you know how they're just there

just like you're a bag aye you're called there aye god listen to what he thinks of people who work

in Sainsbury's do you know what I've worked on the fucking board giving the bands out for swimmers aye they come in give you a cane you give them the band it's mundane so now I'd like I've worked on the fucking board giving the bands out for swimmers. Aye. They come in,

give you a key and you give them the band. You just fucking, it's mundane. So now I'd like to be in that headspace. Do you, how what?

I just fucking loved it every time there was a fucking bonkers old bloke come up and just sit straight for a fucking from out left. You know what I mean? Aye.

Just to bring you back to the day and be like, I'm sorry, what the fuck just happened? Aye. What the fuck did I just say? You know how you used to the day and be like, I'm sorry, what the fuck just happened? What the fuck did I go and see? You know how you used to work in a swimming pool?

Or sorry, beside the swimming pool. Sometimes in the swimming pool. Aye, aye, if I had to. Only if I had to. Aye, if needs must. I remember the first time

I went in, deep end, left my trainers on. Fuck me, that was hard. Did you? Why? Because I just jumped in

somewhere, I was droning. They were whating? Droning. Droning. What's the. They were what in? Drowned in. Drowned in. What's the extra D in there for? Drowned in. What's the extra D for? What's the extra D? Drowned in? What are you saying?

Drowned. Drowned. Aye, but you can't just add ing onto the end of drowned. It's either you can drown. Aye. And you can be drowning. And you can drown Aye. and you can be drowning and you can have drowned but you can't be drowned-ing. No, drunden.

Aye, there's an extra D in there. You would put an L in it? Drunden. You know, fucking drunden. But we're not talking about the E. What's that extra D? You would put three L's in the cunt. That's the Welsh,

you fucking racist. Drunden. You can't drun-der-rund here. Those are R's. Those aren three L's in the country? That's the Welsh, you fucking racist. Derund. You can derund, derund here. Those are R's. Those aren't L's. Those aren't L's. No, it's rrrrr. It's an R.

It's a rolling R. They do that in Northumberland as well, but I tend not to. My. Anyway. Anyway, you used to work in a swimming pool. He was drowning. Right.

Oh, yeah, your shoes. Sorry. So I was drowning. This was in Ashton, so the pool was deeper than me in As swimming pool. He was drowning. Right. Oh, yeah, your shoes. Sorry, we're going back to that. So I was drowning. This was in Ashton, so the pool was deeper than me in Ashton. Concordia, literally. Aye. Hip height.

You jump in, grab the person, and then tell them, just put your feet to me. You can touch the floor. You couldn't. You've actually embarrassed all of us here today. So I jumped in, which is fine.

You can swim to an extent with your shoes on but not when some cunt like large child is hanging on you so it just makes it

a bit harder my mate Stu was also on the poolside and he threw he threw the rope for me to grab the rope and I just

even though it would have helped a lot right I just beat though it would have helped a lot I just beat my legs for dear life with my sudden trainers on to get to the side because even at that young age I didn't want that story sticking with me for life that I had to get rescued

when I rescued someone in the midst of nearly drowning me and this child I was like nah I'm going to do it with a fucking lungs full of water water full of lungs did they have

the following announcement at your swimming pool attention please with all weak and non-swimmers all weak and non-swimmers please make their way to the shallow end of the pool on repeat with all weak and non-swimmers all weak and non-swimmers please make their way to the shallow end of the pool

on repeat with all weak and non-swimmers all weak and non-swimmers please make their way to the shallow end of the pool

please sorry what was that I didn't hear it did they no no I need to know was it that exact announcement word for word

it wasn't a wave pool that's a wave pool announcement but is it because like that that bit I just did there that has been stuck that exact announcement, word for word. It wasn't a wave pool. That's a wave pool announcement. But is it this, because like that, that bit I just did there, that has been stuck in my head my entire life. I will never get that out of my head.

If anyone goes bing bong, that's the first sentence that comes, and I always have to say it out loud. It's almost like Tourette's. And that comes from leaving my swimming pool in Fife. And I'd be swimming there for hours on end. Bing bong. Attention, play. It's all the way through

it's just so Pavlov it's a Pavlovian response I have now but you get straight to the shallow end

but I can't work out whether that was like a one Tannoy announcement for all of Fife or was it for all

swimming pools across the UK I believe mine was Whitley Bay Whitley Bay swimming pool was the posh one mine was Whitley Bay Whitley Bay Swimming Pool was the posh one that I would go to

occasionally what made it posh you weren't allowed to pee in it been out of town got a wave pool got a slide oh

good slide or like fucking I thought it was good at the time but on reflection not all that aye

not all that it's amazing to think of the slides we enjoyed as a child and then you go to Disneyland and you're like how did I enjoy

anything when I was five like was I just the dumbest little cunt in the world like when you go to like an American water park or an American theme park

and you compare it to the fucking have you been to the one in Wet and Wild in Florida yes where you're in a pod

and instead of like putting yourself over the edge like you do at Summit what's it called, the one at the Siam Waterpark in Tenerife, which is the fucking best waterpark ever, by the way. I've not been.

Fucking exceptional waterpark, that one. Sounds like one of the ones Carter would have been to. Tenerife? Yes. That sounds basic. Carter would have been there. The vertical drop one goes through a clear tunnel in a shark pool. You don't really get to see the sharks when you're whizzing through

but you can look through the side of the shark pool and see people whizz through I mean to the sharks is that not just like the fucking fastest sushi trade in the world you're human

yeah they're just saying oh I mean what are these days what are these days we're going to get them that one like yeah

lifeguard tells you you can go you can push yourself over the edge you've got a bit of autonomy over it it's still fucking harrowing

and you have to get on it I like the toilet bowl ones oh yeah the toilet bowl drop ones are exceptional

where you're in a rubber ring and you go down like a plug hole it's usually like a four ringer or something aye aye

but there's also no man there's single versions of that where it's it's usually like a four ringer or something aye aye but there's also no man there's single versions of that where it's it'll be like 30 feet up in the air and you're not and it's just you on your ass and

you come down and you go round the edge and round like you know those fucking penny charity machines that you love when you're not machines oh yeah aye

but you know what I mean get them in airpods and that they're like a swirl and it's fucking really underwhelming when you chuck a 50 pence piece in and it just scuds do aye

fuck fuck how do you get me money's worth out of that child's charity yeah ease it back ease it back you know what

I'll phone the charity later on I'll ask them for it back that drop in the middle is just 30 feet down into water and I remember when I was

I think I was like 12 or something in America and I saw one of those and I was like this is when America is great at being America because what that is

is just a flagrant fucking disregard of human safety and you wouldn't you just wouldn't get those type of rides in the UK there's too much

I hate to sound like a fucking Brexiteer here but the fucking health and safety gone bad Health and safety gone bad? Health and safety gone bad. The EU's got too many restrictions on health and safety here and you can't have fun rides anymore.

Nanny stayed? Nanny stayed. Yeah, the Wet n Wild vertical drop ride though, it's got a trap door underneath your feet so you get in the pod and close the pod and you're stood there with fucking legs crossed and your hand's there. And then it's just over to them to pull a lever

and just drop you into fresh air and you feel like fucking Wile E. Coyote running over the edge of a cliff where you're just like it opens and you just

seem to hang there for a second like a wooden board sitting in the end well you've also got you've got a bunch of these places it's a bunch of

fucking teenagers right so they're fucking assholes there's so many times those ones where they open up before you the amount of times that they'll have the button there and they'll go...

You know when the Joker comes out of the hospital on the dark night and he presses the button and it doesn't go off? It's just him doing an impression of that, but he's not actually pressing the button until you go, what is it not? Hey! There's the bungee jump guy. Is this not meant to be connected to something? Aye.

Great joke, that. I mean, that must be connected to something aye great joke that I mean that must be fun to do that joke you just made there if somebody jumps off doing a bungee jump what some

bungee instructors do is they come up with just a random other end and go no I'm supposed to die and then fear in

someone's eyes who thinks they're about to die have you done a bungee jump no but I absolutely fucking would

me and Cara almost went skydiving in Melbourne and then we didn't because we are lazy bastards it was just one of those things where I was like let's definitely do it and then we went to a fucking kangaroo you know what's excellent about skydiving? yeah

at first the nerves is when you're in the plane you're in the plane you're strapped to somebody so you're in the plane, right? You're in the plane, you're about to jump, you're strapped to somebody, right? So you're fucking, you're just sat on this bloke's knee, like you're at the fucking supermarket in fucking Christmas time when you're seven. Yeah, just telling him what you want for Christmas.

On his shoulder. So you're on Santa's lap, right? And your legs are kind of like fucking dangling out the edge of the plane, but they're not touching on anything because his feet are on the step so like again

you've got the autonomy over it right this is when your heart's fucking racing right and then you jump and then it's the thrill of your life because the fucking

everything's just rushing past you you're accelerating right your speed's going up so you get that like knot in your stomach like you're falling

and then you reach terminal velocity and it's almost like this cloud just comes up underneath you and just settles underneath you

so you can feel the wind against your face but you don't you're not accelerating you know what I'm saying it's like you know when you reach 70 in your car

and then you sit at 70 you don't feel it pressing on your back you're essentially just sat there in your car there's that feeling it's just this

absolute serenity and then you're like you've done all your fucking screaming and panicking and heavy breathing and you just get there in your car. There's that feeling. It's just this absolute serenity. And then you're like, you've done all your fucking screaming and panicking and heavy breathing and you just get to collect your thoughts while free falling before the parachute's even up and just have a look around.

That begs the question, if you can go fucking skydiving, how can you still be a flat Arthur? Because surely from that, do you see the curvature of the earth from that? Well, I reckon you can see it when you're just stood on the floor. If you look, you can see. You can see the curvature of the Earth from that I reckon you could see it when you just stood on the floor if you looked

you could see you could see the curvature of the Earth otherwise it would just keep on going have you seen that have I shown you

that video of the flat earther who tied himself to the rocket to have I not told you this story

nah oh man I'm going to show you maybe tell it so there was this was last year some people have seen this

I think it's the greatest thing in the world and I'll never not think it's the best thing that ever happened to humanity some fucking twat some stupid cunt who was a flat earther made a homemade rocket

right and his plan was he was going to go up fucking X hundred feet or whatever it was homemade rocket that he's going to get in? No, no, no, no, no, no, guy. You've thought

way harder than he thought already. No, no, no. Just strap himself to the side of, just so he can get high enough up to just like glance at the curvature of the earth or not, the edge of the earth, and then a parachute will just open up and he'll obviously land safely to the ground.

So, literally, just enough... So he's going to hang onto it? Yep. Fucking rip his arms off, like a pull-up bar? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he standing on something? No, no, no.

And you would assume, wrongly, I... Does he just rip his arms off? No, no, he... No, no, he holds on there, because it's, I mean, it's, you know, It's a tube that's obviously about wider than a man. I'd say maybe it's about a metre diameter. Yeah, not circumference. I'll show you the video. I'll get it up and you can see how well it goes.

This is a video I strongly recommend everyone in the world watches. He straps himself to it. It's got a crowd there of other truthers who are here to find the truth. And they shoot the rangel up into space. They do, to find the truth guy. Did he come down with the truth? He certainly returned to the earth with the truth.

Imagine the cunt got up there and just went, it's flat as a fucking pancake I can't wait to tell these and then it failed didn't it it certainly did it failed he took the truth to the grave

oh my god what are you finding have you found his name no no no I'm showing you people are just going to have to watch this video and listen to your reaction

oh do a reaction video yeah oh they're muggles People are just going to have to watch this video and listen to your reaction Oh, do a reaction video? Yeah Oh, they're muggles Okay, so it looks like he's doing it off the back of a wagon He's got like a... Yeah, there's like a ladder he's kind of attached to which rigging... Mad Mike Hughes was killed on Saturday Spoiler alert, sorry

Yeah Maybe you So that's the rocket there at the bottom of this frame. The frame's attached to his truck. He fires up. Whoa, there's the parachute. He's not on that parachute. Nope.

So the parachute's gone. He's up there. And have they not clicked on yet? Because they're not screaming and crying in the bottom. Oh, my God, that's high up. He's coming through the clouds. It cut off because it was about to show you a death man

after this I'll get you the Twitter link when it's the full fucking thing I have watched that I'm going to say 3000 times do they still do Darwin Awards? yeah he wasn't there to receive it had to send his wife 3,000 times. Do they still do Darwin Awards? Yeah, yeah. Did he get it?

He wasn't there to receive it. Had to send his wife. What's he wearing? He's on a shovel. He's on a shovel. Who's he wearing? Mostly the desert. Aye.

His kids actually turned up to collect it for him and they were both promptly shot on the spot for the future of the arm. They were like, this is... The Darwin Awards just couldn't allow that DNA to pass on. Oh, man, that's one of those... Genuinely no sympathy. And that's where I wish my meditation was better. I was like, a good person would have sympathy for that man.

Be able to watch that video and, you know, get rid of the stupid things. Like, I dislike him because he's stupid. I dislike him because he's ignorant. I dislike him because he, you know, fucking summarises what I... What got them to that place? Yeah, like all that.

A better person. I can't, no. I think it's the funniest thing in the world. Because that's one thing when we met at meditation, isn't it? It's like, picture them as a child, would you not want the best for that person? And obviously they haven't gotten the best, which is why

they end up fucking firing themselves up into the sky in a rocket. It's the way that they've been nipped and tucked into the adult that they've become. I think also, you know, the reason that it's definitely funny and that it's okay to laugh at is because, man, like, you can get on a plane. Those aren't just for millionaires.

Like, there are cheap flights. Like, not now. There are a thousand other ways to prove the point. Like, how high was that rocket ever going to get? 2,000 feet? Maybe. F that. Like, man, fucking, you can do bungee jumps

from higher places like fucking skydive you daft twat there are plenty of other ways no he was a stupid cat

and he died doing what he loved being a wrong moron amazing aye that's that's speaking

of people morons who are people morons who are wrong morons well no in fact Matty was right Matty was right and

no no before because this is about to become some Matty slamming so before I will who is Matty just for the new listeners

Matthew Canning is one of your friends who he was sort of like if I wasn't able to make your wedding day, he was going to like step in for my. As best man? Yeah, just as like a backup. He was joint best man?

Well. In a way, like you were joined. No, there was me and there was the understudy. Okay. Yeah, right, so he was my understudy. Okay, I don't bother myself with such politics of the minnows. He's one of our good friends. He is...

He's a pincer. Pincer, pincer. Allegedly a pincer, yes. He is a pincer. And he's a good man. And I doubted him. When I should not have done. About two months ago.

Just a little bit of backstory. Me, Matty and yourself went to Vegas. We're both lying in it. Because we're jet lagged the fuck. We'd arrived. We'd been travelling all day. We hadn't been to bed for 48 hours, right? I'm sorry. You just tried to pass off we're jet lagged the fuck. We'd arrived, we'd been travelling all day and we hadn't been to bed for 48 hours, right?

And we're lying. I'm sorry, you just tried to pass off cocaine as jet lag. We took a bunch of cocaine when we landed. It was like fucking 10 o'clock in the morning.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Our in-laws here, like, who the fuck are you telling this story to? It's fucking the podcast that we've done

for seven years we've done live podcasts in fucking Amsterdam you're like so we were we were jet lagged we couldn't get to sleep

for some unknown reason I'd had I'd had me second coffee so anyway I'm lying there with a fucking

nosebleed right and eh I just guys I And, I just, guys, I'm not, I just fucking, I didn't even know you two

were both awake, right? Because I'd lay there for like an hour awake. It was like fucking 10, 11 in the morning. Right?

Hang on. I don't know about you two, but I'm not fucking lying in bed with my mates in Vegas. I'm going downstairs to gamble. Right? And you just went, yep,

and just jumped out of the bed. And Matty was like, oh, fuck that now, I'm going to stay here. Because, and, this is the thing we're looking at, Matty was like, oh, fuck that now, I'm going to stay here. Because, and this is the thing we're looking at Matty Kudos,

Matty did not partake in any of the naughtiness that we were up to and still stayed up for 48 hours. Oh, his in-laws, yeah. He didn't, no, no.

He didn't. He was a good, he was a good boy. I can't remember why he didn't. I remember it being odd. I don't remember why he didn't. I remember it being odd. He just lost another house. So,

so we go downstairs, put on, it was like an electronic roulette table, right? Aye. But you put on like, E roulette table. E roulette. Because we couldn't, Which is what your mum says when she sees a roulette table right aye but you put on an e-roulette table e-roulette because we couldn't which is what your mum says

when she sees a roulette table e-roulette e-roulette there was just this little pound side bet on wasn't it like lucky chance or something yeah where you win like a

fucking there's like a mini jackpot that builds up just every every bet you do you could also do an extra bet that puts you into

a separate jackpot which would never come in but we it just keeps going up and up and up and it's just a dollar and you put your dollar in so now you're just thinking

an extra dollar every time you're betting fucking they've got you by the balls because you don't want to not put it in in case it comes up we'd put in

we'd fucking three bets and it came up we basically won like a fucking over a thousand dollars between we it was no it was

it was it was not I think it was like fucking six or seven hundred pounds each dollars each that was it yeah so we're fucking

we went dollars but I mean it doesn't matter it was about it was about the equivalent of a thousand pounds we were millionaires

we're millionaires right we're fucking medicine right oh yeah this happens every time you and me every time

you and me are in Vegas our version of winning big we make big book celebrations on $70

we do $45 no no the two times we've celebrated was one was

700 each which is good and then there was what was Neil's one Neil's was close to a grand wasn't it or have I already I

Neil fucking way brought the who's doing our Neil's money coming in which by the way if Neil's wife's listening to the podcast

I meant a different Neil but yeah like so every time we've won big money you and me have been like yeah yeah we won woo money you'd be like yeah

yeah we won woo and everyone in Vegas goes oh my god those guys clearly just won a million dollars I'd literally clasp my hands together

and start skipping like King Louie off the Jungle Book I'd do Rocket League celebrations with farts so so Maiz look

Maiz has had a has had a bad history with betting as a point he slept through our big win in Vegas we came upstairs

we made it rain we did we done the awkward bit after making it rain we have to pick it all up and go oh I'm missing ten and I'm like

that's really I walk into this because I've found ten weird this and eh I had actually promised Matty when we went downstairs

if we win I'll buy you a slice of pizza and I said it as a joke and then I committed and bought him a slice of pizza we'll be winners it tasted like a thousand bucks so who was the real winner

yeah so this Matty this Matty tipped us off a couple of months ago saying boys boys come here huddle in but we weren't huddled in because it was in a whatsapp group but he was like huddle in nonetheless This mate Tipped us off A couple of months ago Said boys boys Come here Huddle in

But we weren't huddled in Because it was in a WhatsApp group But he was like huddling in on the list So we got close to the phone And he went Darren Moore Is going to be The next

Permanent Sheffield Wednesday Manager And I was like I do not know what that team is Nor who that man is But I do know Paddy Cutler She didn't say

Sheffield Wednesday I haven't heard that name in years So it was like Darren Moore I've got I've had a

tip from a friend My cousin's neighbours My cousin's neighbours dog walkers dog barked twice when she saw

Darren Moore and the last time that happened was when somebody became the chef or whatever some bullshit so he's like put the money on it

I immediately I'm ready I emptied my account on it you did I had £3.66 in my account yeah phew you put £3.66

I was genuinely going to put a £100 bet on because that would have been a win-win situation for me. Either I would have won the bet or, better, I would have lost the bet and for the rest of Matty's life,

I could lord it over them that he's lost me money. I would be very happy, very petulant and go, Matty, I'll never trust you again. Next time he makes a suggestion for anything, next time he goes, here's an idea, I'll go, oh, your last idea cost me £100, Matty. So maybe we don't listen to your fucking idea. It's a win-win for me.

Unfortunately, there was a limit. I was only allowed to put 14 quid on. So, a lot of people pay attention to football, but for 10 games now,

Sheffield Wednesday have been without a permanent manager. They're caretaker. What was his name? Ian. Ian. Right, who gives a shit?

In. And we've been, for weeks and weeks with no new managers everyone in the WhatsApp group put this bet on so the people that you'll know

will be like Gareth Waugh Ryan Cullen Elliot Steele yeah Mattie Canning and and

me and we're all a couple of my Geordie pals as well for the past 10 weeks there's over 10 people put this bet on hounding Mattty going oi

where's this fucking you said it was nailed on they've not even announced a manager there's not even closed down it's not come in 5 games past

6 games past 7 games past 10 games past where rip every week go Matty you're a fucking traitor we'll never listen to anything you say again

well well well this morning I don't know how you like your eggs in the morning but I don't like mine on my face well I got 21 to 1

on my £3.66 yeah so I've got like £76 in there I woke up to the news that I had won £266

because I put the £14 on and in times when you're not working you know that keeps me out of my wife's pocket that's yeah you can chip in on the groceries

you, married, the wrong man I'm a global comedian baby I'm a global comedian that can't go anywhere it's time for you to pay your way I'm a global comedian, baby. Come on in. I'm a global comedian that can't go anywhere. It's time for you to pay your way. Cullen's bet.

I mean, all of our bets came in because Darren Moore was made Sheffield Wednesday, permanent Sheffield Wednesday. Did they all come in, though? Or did just mine and yours come in? And Cullen's. Is he Paddy Power as well? And Elliot's. Well, really?

Yeah. Is the only one that didn't come in? No, no. The ones that didn't come in. Matty didn't get paid out. William Held didn't pay out. Matty or Grassy or Gareth. Gareth.

Aye. Because they counted that 10 games as caretaker manager counts as a permanent manager. And Paddy Power being... I just sound concerned. They're just sound. Paddy Power are actually just dead sound. And they're like, obviously, lads, on a technicality,

we could screw you out money, but that's not what we're about here at Paddy Power. We haven't got that relationship. We're scratching each other's back. We'll be friends. We know you'll be back. Why would we want to piss you off? You're a gambler.

We know you're going to be on this app tomorrow. Why would we want to piss you off you're a gambler we know you're going to be on this app tomorrow why would we want to make you angry at us here's your fucking money who gives a shit we'll write funny tweets we're just your mate man

where's your money it's us party power come on I mean I know gambling ruins thousands of lives every year but come on there's your money

but look if one of your act doesn't come in we'll give you a quid back come on come on not William Hill though not Tory William Hill or Sky

or Willie or the Murdochs or the Murdochs didn't pay out Murdochs didn't fucking pay out and may I just say the only thing the only thing

more satisfying than a bet coming in that you didn't think was going to come in is the fact that the person that gave you the tip

Matty's big tip the one he thought he'd share with his friends he doesn't smoke but he lit a cigarette to give us the tip he was like between puffs

yeah lads he put on a mac he put on a long mac lad got a tip for you put the sunglasses down to the tip of his nose look you're dead in the eyes

Dara Moore don't tell anybody don't ask where I heard it from if the police find you you've never heard this name what name exactly see you later

disappears I turn around to answer a phone call. I turn around. He's gone. Like Batman. He didn't get paid. He didn't get paid. He didn't get paid.

His own tip. Oh, fucking justice. Should we go and get him something nice before we leave? No. I'm going to get him a slice of pizza. Should we get him a slice of pizza? Should we get pizza delivered to his house? Yeah.

Do you have his address? with foreigners no aye can we get a slice of pizza should we get a slice of pizza should we get pizza delivered to his house yeah aye do you have his address oh shit because he's moving house I don't know where we can just ask him to meet her

she took his house off him they live together aye I was just playing that she's the third one to take his house off him

we definitely should let's do that after this let's get him his address send take a hook off him. We definitely should. Let's do that after this. Let's get him here as a dress. Send him a pizza. Send him a pizza, say, back from the tip. This one's on us. It just keeps happening.

We just keep winning money right in front of his face. He's part of it. He's part of the group. He's in on it. He just seems to just sit there watching like a cook he's a money

he's a money cook he's a money cook he likes watching all of his friends earn all this money and then he doesn't want to touch the money himself

he wants you to buy him pizza oh my god did I ever tell you about the time when the strip was when he fought the strip I loved him

no he fucking fought the strip I loved him right and he she'd come between dancers she'd come between dancers what would she do

she'd come in to sit with Matty almost as if she was taking that disguise off to be with Matty oh you know I've got to get out of work

but it's just finally good to be back here with you Matthew staring into his eyes and all that he was like it's good to have you back and all that

we've been just chatting to these mugs pointing at us they're going for the odd dance with her and all that he calls her Sarah

instead of Crystal that mate I was just like mate I'll fucking show you how much she loves you next time she sits due next day she sits due next day she sat due next to him

and I was like can you go to the minute took her for a dance just kept getting a dance every time she sat doing with him and all that fucking he had

we stayed there all night man we couldn't leave we couldn't fucking leave because he'd fell in love aye and then we left and he got

got her number I had her number on a bit of paper and I was like yeah that's not 11 digits that's a shoe size that you dog fucking six numbers mate she's just written boobies like you wouldn't a calculator

that's all she's done that's all she's just written boobies like you wouldn't a calculator. That's all she's done. She's written 8008I35. Matty's trying it but adding a warning at each point. Adding a two at each point. He's trying every combination with additional numbers. Anyway, they're together now. They live together. Amir, I'm talking about Amir. in every combination with additional numbers anyway they're together they live together

Amir I'm talking about Amir well to be fair if it was Amir he wasn't wrong she did like him I would have just gotten more than

a couple of dancers and all I would have went to the bank and tried to turn that girl into a prostitute sex worker very funny

very funny oh fucking Pascoe's going to listen to this I think he's the biggest fan oh man I was on I was on Steve's podcast the other day

oh aye that's a he's really sound as well aye we had that aye they're married are they

I think so condolences we have Steve as the RA aye he's good aye his podcast is his podcast is great

so it's just called congrats on the new whatever and the whole point is you go on heads thing and he congrats you for the new thing

but he just makes it up on the spot it's an improv thing it was very very fun to do and you just go along like you've got a new thing that's aye makes it up on the spot it's an improv thing it was very very fun to do and you just go along like you've got a new thing that's it

it's like set this bit on a podcast it's similar and at one point I just had to stop him and I was like

can I just ask you a question Steve just as we've been friends for like five years now he goes yeah please answer this question

honestly have I ever shat myself in front of you? And he was like, no. And I went, wrong. I have. Twice. And I went, what?

And I honestly thought he knew this, right? So this is a genuinely fucking true. I don't know this. Nobody knows this. Because I find myself, I would wait until I don't know this nobody knows this because I find myself I would wait until I'd been on this podcast to tell him

because I genuinely didn't know if he knew or not and here's why it was the end of the fringe in like 2015 or 16

so one of those years you know the years where we just went mental all month like one of our bad like we were unprofessional years oh the reason that even when I'm sober now sometimes just like I was making a cup of tea mental all month like one of our bad like we were on professional years

oh the reason that even when I'm sober now I'll sometimes just think I was making a cup of tea for me and Natalie the other day and I got two spoons out

to make my cup of tea you only need one spoon to make two cups of tea but there I am with two spoons the reason I do shit like that aye

the brain damage years the brain damage years aye so it was one of it was one of those years and it's the last day of the

festival but as you know about the French some people finish on the Sunday

and a lot of Australian mugs don't finish till the Monday and that mug right there

because fucking Marlene asks in July when I'm driven I don't want to date off in

the middle I'll work the end I think the last Monday once and then was like never fucking again

you know what it's like it's like finishing the marathon again I might as well round it up to 45k aye aye but also

with no finish line I'll just work out where it is there'll be no one there to cheer me on and also the man in the middle aye

the man in the middle and all the other racers have gone home it's so it's such an unnecessary Fucking evil Look at He had dismantling

While you're on stage Aye Because all the prefab stuff They're They're drilling the screws Out of the cunts You can hear it Yeah yeah

They're taking the Christmas trees Down around you Right As people Aye You're trying to fucking Get Christmas presents On fucking Boxing Day

Eh Where erm So it's the Monday as well I went out I think so partied hard on the Sunday after my show, Monday comes round I go to see fucking Reece's show that night

or whatever and I'm fucking, I get more smashed that night and it's Tuesday and the night before, Steen was like, because he was leaving and he goes, we always play FIFA against each other, whenever we're in each other's country we always have a little tournament and he goes we always play FIFA against each other whenever we're in each other's country we always have a little tournament and he goes

we've not done it at this festival so far I'll leave on Wednesday tomorrow's the only day can you do it then I was like sure next day I get woken up

to a phone call from Steve be like so I'll be there in about half an hour I'm like oh god like it's four in the afternoon I'm fucked man

but he comes round we play FIFA together I'm just in my fucking jammies we're having fun you're selling fucking jammies We're having fun Shite selling your jammies That's not much like Resistance between the shit And the outside world

Nah nah It's a fucking It's not a stage curtain It's the curtain That you can kind of see through It's a silhouette curtain So trust a fart And it's wet And it stinks And it's a silhouette curtain like so trust a fart and it's just it's wet

and it stinks and it's like I was just like oh god and the smell hangs around and he's like

oh man that's fucking horrible so I managed to turn Pam off as a joke I was like fucking Jesus that was my ass

telling me that I need a shit so I went downstairs right took off my fucking jammies put them in the fucking washing machine

where you can't see and then obviously wiped my arse put on a new pair of jammies put them in the fucking washing machine where he can't see and then obviously wipe my arse put a new pair of jammies come back in the suit big final well i do come back in different jammies now i'm obviously fucking very very high at this point as well so i'm like no it's just going he's gonna know he's gonna know i've changed jammies i was i was clear i was wearing my spongebob spongebob buds before and now he's going to know that I'm wearing my Critical Role ones you're like fucking Taylor Swift

you're like Ariana Grande with your costume changes and all that fucking just coming in but thankfully Costein's a bloke he didn't notice

he didn't notice yeah I wouldn't notice I walk back upstairs brand new pair of fucking jammies he had no idea sit back down he's like great

I'm fucking superb and then just like you don't learn the lesson I was just taught 37 seconds you've double shat your jammies I've double shat my jammies

fucking the grief you've given me over the years aye and you've double shat your jammies I've never double shat my jammies aye aye in one go I just like to

make it more efficient I shat the bed with a lats in it once man they probably shat the bed now

I had to wake her up to tell her not to move which is just what women want to hear when they're suddenly woken

up in the middle of the night don't move don't move don't move it's for your own safety so yeah you double shat

you double shat yourself on Stine double shat myself on Stine I mean he seems to be the problem you've shat yourself twice both in front of Stine he's the human version

of paupers he just loosens me arsehole you've shat yourself twice both in front of steam he's the human version of poppers he just loosens me arsehole I haven't shat myself in a while like I think I'm good at it now

what shitting yourself I'm good at just picking up me body's cues oh right picking up the cues just going ah yeah

you've tricked us with that one before my body's done enough tricks on his knee for us to go in here, man. I'm like an old two-bit magician, I'd seen it all. You didn't get impressed with that? No, no, not happening. I've been run, me, man.

I'm found for that. No, but... There's been ones or twice where I've fucking, I've been at, like, say, Natalie's mum's house, and I've went and sat doing on the toilet and farted, and went, ha-ha, got got you sprayed it all over the seat thought you had us there didn't you cunt

courtesy floor now I wipe stem the bleeding anyway just in case I burst a ball up this fucking anusol is working wonders is it I put the thing in he's trying to get a fucking sponsor are we Oh this fucking Anusol's working wonders Is it Ah he put the thing in

He's trying to get A fucking sponsor are we Wait Bose Wasn't listening Nah So the next is I tried to get Bose Headphone sponsorship

Season 3 Season 4 here Anusol Trying to get Anusol On board See this is the thing This is where they've got us Works a treat

Now if I stop using it it stops working it's more of a like it keeps it at B rather than it stops it's not a cure itself I feel like it takes the swelling down

right look if you didn't like the eating bogey stuff for a couple of episodes again you're going to hate this stuff because you'll never get to watch

two or four fingers afterwards oh mate you've got to be careful in my routine put my anisole on put my contact lenses in floss my teeth

you've got to be careful on the order fucking every now and again I've spoken about this before but you flossed your arsehole

I flossed my arsehole put a contact lens in my mouth give me your fucking pink eye fucking have a nightmare before we coffee speaking of which thank you Amy Lewis

for the coffee that we're drinking just now oh how was that for a moment that was your batch from her she went to Tanzania

one of our loving listeners she went to Tanzania she went to Tanzania in this economy aye in this pandemic aye

fuck she went to vaccinate what to vaccinate them dogs for rabies oh so not even Covid Amy

bitch what are you doing oh there's other things going on too that you're dealing with no no everyone's got to drop everything

for Covid at this point I'm sorry like it needs to be over how about if I told her she went to get us some coffee and while she was there she injected a few dogs

well as long as that does change things I don't know if she was injecting dogs or people what do you inject for rabies do you inject people

to stop them getting rabies from dogs or do you inject the dogs from stuff look I don't know if she was injecting dogs or people. What do you inject for rabies? Do you inject people to stop them getting rabies from dogs? Or do you inject the dogs from stuff? Look, I didn't ask for a life story. I just said thanks for the coffee. But I actually got us some coffee. We've got a PO box. Do you want to? Do we?

Shall we shout out the PO box? If people want to send coffee. We can't shout it out because I've just gained this information you can shout it out and I can hear the information for the same time as the listeners do look listeners I got the PO box for Twitch because people are

making nice crafts so they wanted to send us I was in the middle of a host move, didn't have an address so I opened a PO box so people could send us watercolours and all that, it's really nice getting some really sweet stuff we Twitch we Twitch PO box so people can send us that like watercolours and all that it's nice it's really nice getting some really sweet stuff I'm gonna like like we twitch

we twitch like for you guys our sweethearts the salt of the earth right I'm gonna tell it to you guys don't send us poo I mean

don't be jerks about it alright I know these people are gonna be nice don't be jerks look I got I got some really nice

curry powders off somebody to mix in with chicken and coconut milk. Aye. And some nice curries. Aye. I've had some real swell things sent to the PO Box. Don't take advantage of this, guys. You dirty bastards.

I can't remember it. I did wonder why you were stalling I was like is he waiting for me to do a fucking drum roll here PO Box 5626 5626 Glasgow G77

9EU 9 what we left I miss her G77 9EU of Glasgow PO Box 5626 do if it's for the podcast

if it's for both of us do label it Muggins and Cream or if it's just for Daniel label it Cream but if it's labelled Muggins I'm going to open it on my Twitch stream

unless I'm totally wise I do unboxing videos because I'm a super muggle power muggle fair enough live your best life or your worst and we've got an email address

as well mugginsandcream at gmail.com if you just want to like send me pictures of shit aye you know what I said it's pictures of stuff

you couldn't be arsed posting I was going to send you this but it's just siebs tbh siebs tebes siebs tebes aye siebs tebes

I've changed it because it's see siebs is a shortening of cba can't be arsed which is can't be arsed to be honest Seebsteebs Seebsteebs Aye Seebsteebs I've changed it See Seeb's Is a shortening of CBA Can't be arsed Which is can't be arsed To be honest

TBH So Seebsteebs Seebsteebs Seebsteebs That's my new That there's your first bit of fucking merch Can't be arsed to be honest Seebsteebs

Seebsteebs Can I have Seebsteebs merch Seebsteebs Absolutely Well look First stage of Patreon Seebsteebs Seebsteebs

We've got to get on Patreon we will we are doing you that's what I'm leading you into the Patreon we keep saying we're going to get on Patreon

well the reason let's be honest like we both know how the Patreon has to work and that is you need to do 100% of the work

aye but one thing I have to be clear of Daniel before I do 100% of the work aye but one thing I have to be clear of Daniel before I do 100% of the work is that it's going to be a regular podcast because the thing that we've had

in the past is we'll do the podcast when we're on the road then we'll stop it for a week and that becomes free once it stops and we can't really do that anymore if it's a Patreon

it guarantees so we're getting to the stage now where one week I'll just be like see if Steve's to drive to yours aye also at this point because we now do this in an office I'm going to be fucking honest to drive to yours aye also at this point because we now do this

in an office I'm going to be fucking honest but you fucking owe us money at this point you paid for this aye aye I'm driving 100 miles

every Monday to do the podcast it's about 50 miles to Glasgow is it aye no that can't be true

aye it's about an hour and a bit to get here well for you it's an hour and a bit aye 50 miles aye so aye just to keep it regular

that'll be like the first stage of Patreon is like you're making sure that the podcast is a regular podcast because we're

kind of bail on you if you're invested in it 44 miles away fair enough aye well 36 and I live I live a bit further

out too because I'm on the south side of Port Lauderdale aye I'm pretty the South Side on Posh La Dee Da. Aye. Aye, I'm pretty, yeah. I mean, it's real hard for us to try and get money to people

if I'm telling them about Posh La Dee Da on the South Side of Glasgow, but honestly, I need pocket money, me wife's carrying it. Me wife's doing everything. Aye, come on. I just want to be able to buy biscuits.

Aye, or swamp. I need the money because... You're getting married, aren't you? Oh, fuck aye. Anyway, enough. Well, that'll pay for itself. Once I sell this story in the votes to Heat, we'll be... Enough of the begging. What can we give them?

A podcast every Monday. We can give them a regular podcast for the tier one. Right. And that means they'll get it like 48 hours. But look, you get it for free. We're not chasing you away. Right. You're getting this podcast for now.

Right. But if you want to support it and make sure that it's going to be a regular thing, you get it on the Monday. You can donate for a month. If you just want the freebies, pick it up on the Wednesday from wherever you normally get it. Aye. Right.

And with Patreon, you've got like the tier two and tier three. What can we give them? What can you offer these people, Daniel? Tier two. For the continuous support. We can do like an extra podcast every week. Shorter one though. Video one.

Where they can see what facial expressions and that. Maybe. Aye. And also if you do the ten pound you get a dick pic it's not our dick pic I just did a dick you get our dick pic like Scott Gibson

what do you think of this random dick pic fancy one of these or we can send you a random fanny pic if that's what you're into you fucking sickos

aye creeps. I could knit you a fanny. A new one. Aye, washable, machine washable. Or I'll knit your one shut. Oh. I need a thick wool. What else can we offer?

If you donate £20 a month Kyle will knock you out on site and that's from then on with a good punch not even a headshot I'm going to wind you

have you ever heard about anti-donors patreons anti-donors patreons are excellent I'm going to wind you. Have you ever heard about fucking Auntie Donna's Patreons? No. Auntie Donna's Patreons are excellent. So they've got their ones for their podcasts and all their online content. But for like,

for 15,000 pounds, Mark will beat up your bully. What did he do? It's exactly that so they just put it on so they've got their like their 5 to 25 but they're

one for 15,000 which was Mark will beat up your bully which is you tell us who your bully is Mark will drive down to Facebook

on your money you've got to fly Mark to where your bully is and Mark will kick the shit out just because it's 15 nobody's going to fucking pay 15,000 pounds for that until

last month some rich some fucking guy bought the £15,000 Mark will be up Mark will be up your bully

so I messaged Mark Bonanno immediately going good luck in your fight he's like what the fuck are you talking about cunt

you started on me and I was like no no the thing you supposed the guy revoked it. He was like, my friend stole my credit card. They bought this thing.

Please allow me to refund this. And Mark was like, buddy, thank you, please refund it. I wasn't fucking interested in doing that. But the other one, the one that I really want and the one that Cara won't let me do, for £20,000,

Broden will be your dad for a day000 Broden will be your dad for a day Broden will be your dad aye so it comes with Broden will take you to the zoo he'll buy you an ice cream

he'll take you for a long walk to me you get to play catch with him he'll take you to the cinema where you get like a standard size soft drink and some popcorn and he'll

read you a bedtime story oh and there's a pancake breakfast. He's got like the full list. I want that so much. Like, you know how much I love Rodan from Married On. It's one of my fucking favourite people in the world. But Cara's like...

We're getting married. I'm just saying to Cara, I'm like, look, there might be one day in the future where once the world's back open and I'm a rich to Cara, I'm like, look, there might be one day in the future where once the world's back open and I'm a rich millionaire celebrity again, that this might be. And she's like, if you do that,

I will genuinely leave you. She's like, you're friends with him. You could just ask him to be your dad. Like, he'll probably do all those things if you just ask him to do those things with you. You are friends. But, I don't know there's something about it

being official so fucking funny so we'll get creative we'll get creative and make wild stuff that you would hate to do no no

stuff that you would absolutely despise doing well like fucking being on a talking to them aye you mean chatting to them well no I was trying to them aye you were trying to well no

I was trying to think of I was trying to think of things I actually do fucking hate and then I and then I

panicked and been like how could that be used against me so I just you seemed to hate being in the same seats as me

well that's something that you don't seem to like no I hate being bullied fuck banana gotta turn up at my door speaking of

bananas did we ever talk about what Rick gets did to Matty because we've talked about

Matty already no with the banana game no you know the banana game is where

like I would point the banana at you and tell you to do something no and you've you to do something. Aye. And you've got to do it,

otherwise the game's over. Yeah, because it's like you're holding a gun up to someone and you're going, you've got to pretend that the banana's a gun. And if somebody asked you to do this thing, you'd obviously do this thing. The minute you say no to doing the thing, the game's over.

So the subtlety of it is you do something where they're going to do it just so that they can get the banana and get revenge on you you're not gonna say something like go get your dick out

near that school I'm like well no because obviously that's game over right I'd never do that and now that I've said no anyone can say no to anyone

game's truly over you've got to it's got to be within a like okay go get your dick out near that petting zoo so I got

I got Matty like for instance he just we're in Tenerife on holiday he just got ready to go out on night out he's fucking

showered shaved moisturised done all this stuff comes out comes out looking the same I put the banana

on him and went go get changed I was not having a shit one time and Natalie's friend Katie our friend Katie

who I know through Natalie she's my time and Natalie's friend, Katie, our friend Katie, who I know through Natalie, she's my friend now, it's been long enough, she's just busting in the toilet, pointing the banana at us, went, twerk! I hadn't even nipped it off.

I was like, I was about to anyway. I'm twerking with a shit anyway. We've been playing this game for fucking ever. It's ongoing. It's ongoing. It's ongoing and it's always the worst feeling in the world when something just comes up and you just feel a banana in the small of your back and you'll go, fuck, I hope that's a banana. What had Matty done one way?

He fucking pointed the banana at you and said you had to do something and you just went, you hold the banana the right way. We're like, Matty, you're pointing it at yourself. It was in Ibiza and it was jump in the pool and he had to

he had to point at himself he had to literally just jump in the pool get in your stuff go to the game zone to be fair to Matt

you did do it he was like alright fair enough yep so this game is like it's been ongoing for

ooh Tenerife was 2016 and it was going well before we got to Tenerife like, it's been ongoing for, ooh, Tenerife was 2016 and it was going well before we got to Tenerife. Right? So it's been going for a long time, this game, right? And it's,

there's a lot of people have been swept up in it. And sometimes it'll be where there's like a handful of bananas in one day. It'll like pick up speed. And other times it'll go where there's like months

and months scores without anyone holding a banana. Like to the point that I whacked and ate a banana the day. Like I had a banana and you didn't even flinch because it's been that long since anyone's

fucking took the safety catch off that thing because you kind of truce it you're like fuck I'm gonna have to do some shit I don't want to do

if I pull this off aye yeah and also you don't you don't really you're not bringing the banana out not on a holiday

not on a non-special occasion you're probably going to do a podcast aye you can't you can't walk into my house

as a guest of my house I could I mean you could I could just be anointed I'd be like the fuck is this

so that said aye that very sentence said right Rick gets driving in the middle of the night this is when

Matty had first met Amir because nobody even knew about Amir at the time and he was lying in bed with a mysterious girl that is now his

girlfriend that's about to take his third house he's knocked on the door at three o'clock in the morning Ricketts had been because Ricketts

lives in Liverpool Matty lives in Manchester it was a car sale at the time and Ricketts had been up the M6 doing roadworks and he drove down

in the middle of the night like 3 or 4 in the morning Matty was lying naked in bed nice nice Vincent Titty's

all night his wrists were knackered knocked at the door he opens the door there's Ricketts

with a fucking banana on his face and went go and get a glass of water Matty and his fucking kegs he gets a glass of water. Matty in his fucking kegs goes and gets a glass of water,

goes back to the door, but no, it's still on him. And Steph would say, Steph would say, pour it over your head. Matty pours the water over his head.

And then Rick, we've seen it in other ways, just gets back in his van and heads up the road. Matty, soaking, soaking, West just has to

go back upstairs to his last what was that about what was that about no no why is she shitting her way

took a delivery for next door four in the morning aye aye aye aye fair exits on American time also speaking of the

Patreon is this not potentially an unwise time to start Patreon considering I go to Australia in

three weeks well that's what I was thinking is this is the time where it's going to be easy to knock it on the head so to do it now

would be to guarantee that we'd carry it on when you're away aye I was right so basically we'd have to record some in advance but

the advantage is I can do, because I'm going to Australia again, that means the return of Two Woke Cucks. Two Woke Cucks. With Cameron James. And we'll do some remotely, because now take your,

you're taking a computer of sorts, right? Like a laptop or something. You're taking a laptop, yeah. Right. Take your mic, use that for audacity. We'll Zoom call with our headphones on. I'll talk to you about this after, right?

But we can do it remotely as long as the Wi-Fi is all right. Let's get a couple in the can before you go so we can put them out if we have technical failures. You're doing with Cameron? Cameron. Or Bart or Demi or any of the fucking number people. I'm in Glasgow now I can get Mark Nelson

Aye I've got Colin here so we can have a multitude of podcasts throughout I think starting the Patreon now guarantees that

we don't just go and look it's too much of a fucking fanny on Aye We're going to drop a new

we'll keep it regular if people support it Aye and also because you've had it how many years we've been also because you've had it how many years we've been doing this

how many years we've been doing this we've had since 2016 we're coming up to our 200th podcast and we've had nearly 1 million

total downloads aye so that's a lot of free and you can still get it for free is the point and I think it works if you pay a 5 or a 1

if it works it's like 2 pence a podcast. Well why would you tell me that? Two pence a podcast from the first one. There's a back payment I meant.

We'll let you know how that goes on on the next podcast or if you just follow on all of the channels. Have you got anything to plug? Did you say you're going to Australia I'm going to Australia tell them about that

I'm going to Australia which is fucking very very very exciting for me and not for any of you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fuck you all ha ha in your face

well you've just jinxed it I know and and and if I have jinxed it I've given people something to fucking celebrate and we get to laugh

at Australians being disappointed it's win win and we'll always have the fact that we won and Matty didn't aye whatever happens em

so I've only wrote three Australia I've only written four you're alright you go first then well I'm plugging ah

plug come on faster do it like a cattle sale so oh this is shite right

so April oh you know what go on the fucking website darrylsloss.com it's just it's gigs you'll work it out and if you can't work it out

you don't deserve to attend my shows and it's your new show Hubris Hubris it's a new show, Hubris. Hubris. It's in Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Canberra, fucking Adelaide. So that's why we'll put the ones in the can for the Adelaide Wi-Fi. Aye, aye. Oh, I'm doing the jokes.

So please come and see me live and... Aye, Do that. And I'll be in fucking quarantine for two weeks. That's going to be gash. Aye. What are you going to do? Probably just fucking lose my mind, to be honest. Like, Marlena was like...

She was like, you should take some... She could take some weights over with you. And I'm like, oh, yeah, Marlena, that's what I'll use my fucking weight. Like, I'll do my own tonne. Aye. 40 kilograms. I'll use 20 on fucking weight she died

and she was like no no you can get like ones that fill up with water ones that you fill them up with water

and I was like Marlena if I've not exercised for the past fucking six months in my own home what are the odds I'm doing in a single hotel

I'll walk from end to end I'll do the physical side of things resistance bands are good for the road I took them to Europe once I've do the physical side of things. Resistance bands are good for the road. I took them to Europe once. I've decided now, now that the world seems to be going back,

hopefully, to some sense of outside civilisation by June, July-ish, once I get back from Australia, that's my road myself. I'm going, live your fucking life exactly how you want to live it.

And then when you get back from Australia, you go, alright, let's look in the mirror and let's be real with ourselves are we happy

with what we see but until then I'm looking in front of the mirror and being like you know what

Cara says she still loves this so more cushion for the pushing and I'm having fun and it

doesn't fucking matter I'm having a good time I've got to have a good routine at the minute I did

first thing in the morning working out Joe Wicks I use the Body Coach app I bought it for Natalie fucking best money I've ever spent man

I really like Joe Wicks I'm fucking he's a good guy man I really I really really rate him as a fucking I follow him on Instagram and I'm just like

man one day when I'm active when I exercise Joe I'm going to be just like you one day not now nowhere near now it does me tits in though when he pretends to be not good you'll be in the middle of the day and like some crunches or something and he'll get him he'll stop and stop right running and ah it burns i'm tapping out and all that right because he knows who his audience is sharon's struggling hi you know tina tina's there fucking hanging out on her arse right and he starts riving running like that

and I just think I just look oh god how wet man who are you fooling look at the fucking clip of you you're in mint nick like imagine

your boxing coach did that imagine your boxing coach is training you got army arms like fuck off man you coward but I know

when he's dead it's patronising as fuck that's the only bit I didn't like is when he starts giving it them beans it's the same with it's patronising as fuck that's the only bit I didn't like is when he starts giving it them beans it's the same with it's the same with

cat effects and orgasm I'm like who the fuck are you kidding do you know how many women I've satisfied love you think I can't tell a lie

is that for Colin doing stage is it and if so why why are you coming for Cullen oh right

your dad conditions his nose hair and lets it grow your dad used a child in court to point out where his dolls touched him your dad got married via zoom before it was cool before cool aye even had a stag do it on Zoom before it was cool Before cool Aye

He even had his stag do it on Zoom before it was cool That was his suggestion in 2016 Hangouts Your dad tilted his head and leaned in to kiss me While I was telling him about my day And? I moved back I was like, what?

Oh, okay Ew I've got a lass your dad was selling cocaine to some big time dealer in London and he gave the guy

a sample and the dealer said has it been cut with anything and your dad said aye buy a credit card you thick cunt and nobody's seen him since

if anyone has any information please call Crimestoppers or your local police We just want our boy back You sound like a witness Because you seem to know what happened Mm-hmm Is he not going to call that number?

No You're not going to get in touch with him now? I'm not a snitch Well you just have No, what? Delete this Shed at this house It's a long beep

Your dad got his tits out of Mardi Gras because he wanted some of the beads to put up his arse your dad boils easter eggs your dad tries to hatch each other's easter eggs he incubates them he fucking lets them nest through the twigs and sits on them I try to hatch each of these You can base them

He fucking messes And that's two twigs and sits on them No no twiglets Matchmakers Those are shit chocolates Aye So if you enjoyed this podcast remember it was free But not for much longer

Aye It will be free if you enjoyed this podcast Remember it was free But not for much longer Aye Nah it'll still be free We're still here for you Aye it will be free If you don't fucking love us You fucking tight cunt We're still here for you You know

Even if you didn't want to support us Aye Just want to take take take Aye You know You don't feel you have to Fucking pay for the podcast As long as you're

Happy with the noise quality dropping As we start recording it From the fucking streets Aye Just back on our phones again. Aye, just put it this way. I'm going to take a long, hard look at the early numbers

of who supports this podcast and I will... No, no, I can't. I can't make threats already. I'll do it. I'll threaten them later on. Threaten them once they're across the line. Get them across the line first.

Get them out psst psst want a biscuit free content put some bobs and you're just like mugs fucking twice thank god you can't

cancel a direct debit you can what what's that thing I do at the end when I say like... You fucking make me do the intros to the podcast and you're like, oh, because I did like 10 of them at one point. Oh, it's 10 all now. Is it?

Aye. I feel like you've just fucking made that up. I think it's actually 13-9 to me probably. Nah, I've definitely done 10 of the flashbacks and then like this is episode 9, is it? Or 10? It's not 11. Just can't do the fucking intro.

You fucking...