Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 49 Tommy Two Sniffs

Episode Date: May 3, 2017

Muggins is in his childhood home with the Cream replacement service of Tom Houghton joining the podcast. Mid Punch-Drunk run they tell tales of their very different school days and steam roller over some Muggles for good measure. They lived. They Laughed. They Loved. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

We're in the same seats. That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Tommy Sniff. Tommy Sniff Sniff? Tommy Two Sniffs. Tommy Tommy Two Sniffs. Tommy Two Sniffs. Tommy Tommy Two Sniffs. Why'd you do this? Tommy Tommy Two Sniffs.

Tell me, Kai. Ain't nothing but a heartbreak. Songs are my thing. Songs are my thing. Oh, sorry. I just wanted to... Cream tried to steal another song the other day. ain't nothing but a heartbreak sometimes I think sometimes I think oh sorry that's why Cream tried to steal another song that day

so I had blew my load too early just before so we're here this is this is Sloss and Humphries on the road

but only Humphries is on the road and we've replaced Sloss we've replaced Cream with Tom Horton Tom Horton Tom Horton

of First Date First Date fame Tom Horton of Noise Next to Obscurity Tom Horton us we've replaced cream with tom horton tom horton tom horton a first date first date fame tom horton of noise next door obscurity that was in the past we've changed men now so so tom you're in you're in my hometown of blithe right now again yeah like this is like sat on a bed at my mother's house how do you oh yeah i mean i've been i've been slowly working my way through all the beds i've been here one night two night two i've been slowly waking my way through all the beds as I've been here one night too night two

I've been in yours and this one no you're in my sister's was this your sister's this is my hold on this was my sister's room before she moved out

I guess but it was my room before I moved out do you like to do this this is my childhood home yeah you've lived in this house your entire life

I had bunk beds here no I had bunk beds up there right me entire life I had bunk beds here no I had bunk beds up there right me and Gav had bunk beds let me tell you a story yeah go on then so when I was 15

well let me get comfortable when I was 15 Gav take my clothes off Gav worked on the roads I was what was I doing 15 I was being in sixth form

just before I got expelled Gav was in working on the roads and he was on a night shift and me and my mate were having a bit of a sleepover

he was just going to start a little couch in my room he was just going to crash on that and we decided it would be funny that if Gav

when he comes in he goes to jump on his bed and we've took the lats out you know the wooden lats right so obviously

I couldn't sleep on the bottom bunk if I do that because jokes on me squash yourself I just make myself into like an ice cream sandwich did you

so we took the slats out and we both hid under my bed so two of us fucking lay under a single bed for fucking ages waiting for it to come in like fucking ages

me and Colin Jones did you do this did you tell him at the start of his shift no we're like when he was when he was due in

like because we kept now like we kept now from coming back like fucking keying the door and we're getting to the bed but still a long time from coming upstairs

you know yeah yeah guys dude wanks over the free view makes him come and see wanks again oh man view makes it come to see wanks again oh I don't know he just comes in

gets ready he's like oh he just realises my bed's empty he must be having a sleepover somewhere oh no he's not he's in another bed

waiting for you to fall free feet he's like oh the joy we had wouldn't it be hilarious if the bottom lats snapped can't hear you

just it was good it was actually quite nice now I'm trying to get the mattress to lie on the thing you used to

do the kicking up if you were the bottom you'd just kick up through the bed every time I used to do the bumps every time you were fucking

such a kid so like you never shared a room with a sibling did you no I shared you always had your own wing to your tower or I shared a kid's man. So like, you never shared a room with a sibling, did you? No, I shared a room. You always had your own wing to your tower.

Or I shared a room with 12 other boys. Oh yeah, because you were in boarding school. Boarding school, yeah, yeah. That was insane.

So, that'd be weird because you just, the different, there's 12 like young boys, just the different noises that happen around in the room where it's a bit like crying

or wanking or. Oh, did you hear the old oh yeah all the time because it's like from 7 years old to 18 so the sort of scope of the shit you get up to in bed I used to have to do that with just so it would be like in the dormitory

there would be a range between 7 and 18 year olds you wouldn't be in a year group it's so alien to me no you would be in a year group oh no you would be so alien to me no you would be in a year group right and then um you you one of you would be the dorm captain so you'd be in charge of like making sure if kids because we used to sneak off uh like do dares and stuff or play like do you ever play games with torches and stuff well in school yeah yeah I was always there when it was lit you never saw your school in the dark no the banter

I was lit I've never seen my school in the dark yeah because like obviously I go home to bed oh that was

that's what poor people do apparently I get locked up like in a cell yeah I do being rich sounds like it sucks you don't get to go

home from school the best part of school is going home yeah I mean that was the same with my school but we just didn't do it so you had to wait because you don't get to go home from school. The best part of school is going home. Yeah. I mean, that was the same with my school, but we just didn't do it as often. So you'd had to wait for months for the belt to ring? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow, that must have been amazing. We used to... I think we did it... I remember at 13, we used to... Because that was when phones just had come out. So when Snake... Do you remember when Snake came out on the Nokia 3210? Yeah, it was there, yeah.

That was our... We used to stay up all night playing Snake, and you'd have a go on it, and then you'd pass it to the kid in the next bunk, and you'd just go around the dormitory all the time to see who got the best score. Backlit with a green light. Yeah, yeah. Battery just lasted forever. They were the ones with the Express On Covers, wasn't it? I had a silver chrome colour espresso on cover and a flashing aerial

and I felt like the tits. I was whacking when it was fucking Bond. It was insane. And then the Matrix came out and they had that Nokia which had

the little slidey thing down and that was just like that's the future. Have you seen them now? They are the clunkiest piece of shit. Ridiculous, yeah.

Oh man, I'd actually like, I haven't, I've seen a picture of it because it was like a sore foot on the internet but I haven't I've seen a picture of it so it was like I saw a photo on the internet but I'd like to see the matrix again just to see fucking Neo

trying to act cool yeah with his with his mini disc player yeah fucking Al Neo and then he gets in his car to have a race

and there's a choke on the car winding his windows down get with his musket yes fuck oh wow times are changing that'll be it though winding his windows down get with his musket yes fuck times are changing that'll be it though because then

even in like a thousand years time people will watch like Total Recall or Ghost in the Shell and look at these fucking old bozos oh dude flying cars are coming out

this is legit oh I saw it Uber fucking funded it the flying taxis and they're going to be in the expose in Dubai in 2020, and there should be a commercial by 2023. So it's just... Oh, my days.

Times are changing, my son. It's not like it used to be in my day when we just had hover snoozers. I get so excited. I get so excited about new shit. Like, I remember when the fucking iPhone first came out, one of the lads at work brought it in, this is when I worked at the leisure centre, and he was playing this, like, pinball game

where you move the phone, and not pinball, like, you know, screwball scramble, where the ball bearing moves and you've got to take it through the maze and into the hole, and he was using his phone like that. I remember, yeah. And I just remember, like, being wide-eyed going,

it's the future! It's the future, yeah. I remember, yeah. And I just remember, like, being wide-eyed going, it's the future! The future's here! In fact, I remember the first camera phone, which was the Vodafone clamshell one. You could only get it on Vodafone, I'm sure. It was the fucking biggest. Yeah, yeah. And I remember putting my hand in front of the camera

and moving my fingers, and it was, like, moving, like, on a second delay from when my hand moved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I moved my hand, and then the camera, my hand on the camera moved, and I was just looking at that guy and fuck it's like something off blade runner or some shit yeah like this is jim but when it made the the jump from when you how you got porn from magazines to finally on the internet but you had to have oh but there was that

that buffer that just took like an hour for one pitch you're just going it was the picture load and it wasn't even um it wasn't even waiting for a video it was waiting for a picture to load yeah you're like oh this is gonna be great i can't wait to see nel mcandrew's boobs oh she's got a bra on gail porter whoo i am gail porter man she was was she was one of my first loves as a child because she was on the front page of FHM and she follows me on Twitter so she went all

Jason Statham with a haircut she's rocking it she's rocking it gotta love her damn cancer taking away my wank bank

I don't think it was cancer it was alopecia wasn't it was it alopecia yeah it's better still though she's still lovely I wouldn't have a bad word

Said against her No I just looked Like she's got three boobs Instead of two Great amount of nipples though Yeah I once This is very sad

As a young kid When Did you ever Go through a stage Of looking for like Celebrity fake porn Where they just sort of Superimpose

their heads on bodies did i ever i used to make me own so you're right so did i so what i did i got hannah from s club seven and i blurred out her bikini and then drew in boobs and a vagina but i only had like microsoft paint so it was really like blocky. I never went as far as the boobs and the vagina. All I would do is I would get a picture of Kelly Brook, right, in a swimsuit and I would copy and paste the right flesh tone from where she had flesh

and paste it over the bikini and you could strip them. You obviously couldn't put it in Boucher Vage, right, because you didn't have any of that to paste in. Yeah, yeah. But I just used to remove... Just glue your own pubes to the screen. Use your own glue?

Yeah. Just on the keyboard, fine, that'll do. And then you just scroll and she's got a unibrow. Scroll down, she's got a hairy chest. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh old man make a lot of porn used to fucking love that shit dirty little boy well I don't know how easy you got porn

I got at my school I was the kid who was the stupid like the one who would just do anything so I was the one who was sent down to the local shops to go and get all the porn magazines and stuff

and they'd always they'd be too I'd have to probably jump up to the top rung to try and get it did you get embarrassed

when you were buying it? yeah but like because I was I just needed the credibility of doing it so much that I just fucking swallowed it

and went for it I need this porn swallowed it's definitely the wrong word but um i remember one time right um i used to i used to use music videos some music videos were amazing this is like before you could stream you're talking about like christina aguilera dirty yeah big time oh holy shit man right so that generation right so I remember I was downstairs right I was about to go to work this is when I

I worked at the airport so I needed to get a bus through and I heard my dad say in a bit leave the house and shut the door he's taking my mum to work yeah

right so I know he's going to be back in five minutes and watch a video come on it was love don't cost a thing and now by the end of that video

fucking she takes her bra goes into the water cover her titties right which video come on it was love don't cost a thing and now by the end of that video fucking she takes her bra off goes into the water cover her titties right so I'm like building myself up for that moment

I'm just sat in the living room fucking curtains closed fucking racing me dad he's just gonna get up the road to drop me mom off right and then the next video that come on was Shakira

wherever whenever and I was like I'm not gonna beat my dad home here so I've already done a full music video of my mom and he works up the road right so I've already done a full music video of my mam and he

works up the road right so I my TV upstairs picks up whatever's on downstairs so I just left the music video running

and I went to come upstairs to finish up to Shakira fucking my mam's in the passage combing her hair my mam was just combing her hair

in the passage the whole life my dad had gone to the shop right and I had fucking tried to whole day my dad had gone to the shop and I had tried to bash through the work in the living room

I was in the passage and I just come through luckily I didn't I decided to tuck it in while I ran up the stairs I just went

oh hi mum thought you'd left for work I've got work to do myself I love don't cost a thing nearly cost a lot nearly cost a lot nearly cost me

a relationship with my mother yeah damn my love cost me all my friends and family wherever whenever apart from

in your mum's house where else is it so I like to think I like to think that em that she just was doing her hair

and didn't know I hope that my mum didn't pop her head and go oh son and then just carry on doing her hair just kind of hope this ends

I should probably rub it one off the next day oh mate they're in the house now they'll probably hear what I know they're very nice

this is funny as well because like I get to find out if because my dad listens to this podcast my mum doesn't know what a podcast is, as we found out.

No, and actually she asked, so what are you doing? We're doing this for the podcast. Oh, I've never heard of that. I was like, really? And then she went over and started listening to it in the kitchen, right? I think my dad was showing her the podcast in the kitchen.

But she went, oh, I saw your podcast online. I watched your podcast. That's what she said. I watched your podcast. That was the clue, I see. I watched your podcast, but it was a little video promo that we'd done.

Yeah. It's like Stanley trying to put a meme up. Oh, mate. I knew Stanley could put a meme in the WhatsApp. That was clearly just like a fake conversation. He's so out of touch. When over 30s try to do memes, as Elliot Steele said. Yeah, true.

So based on like, I wouldn't have my mom had seen us and let us get away with it yeah you know uh this is something that happened when so i was in school i was when i was in school in blythe so i would have been about 14 years old maybe and um i come back home from school and the my mattress was in the passage like i opened the door and my mattress was in the passage. Like, I opened the door and saw my mattress in the passage, right? Saw my mattress from my bed.

Yeah. From my bunk bed. You should be doing like sledging down the stairs. Single mattress. Should be having a nice time. And then I was like, oh,

that's my mattress off my bed. I want to have a new mattress. But I knew that under my mattress there was a fucking load of crusty socks. Like,

bro, socks that were so hard they could be used as boomerangs yeah i mean can i take on that point just the idea of because i've never done the wanking into a sock thing is it what do you do is it like just wait did you work into a handful of tissue a handkerchief a handkerchief with your initials embroidered in. Or just a posh wank. All wanks are posh. Just laced it over a cravat. Is that not the done thing?

You're doing a swan. So, no, just because, you know, I'm in my room. I live in a busy household, you know what I mean? When I'm going, it's non-stop. There's a lot of people in. So you have to fucking date discreetly. you can't be in the bathroom too long because someone always needs the bathroom yeah so like if you're in the bedroom right you're like oh do it oh well i've got to go across the hall get get some toilet roll i should have brought some in

sometimes you'll just evacuate onto a sock right it's bath rag do you have to do it on the bunk bed you catch rag what do it in the bunk bed what with the fucking tall gavs getting seasick drip start coming down through the mattress from the top of you what are you doing up there so I would occasionally just put the socks there and just like

deal with it later you know like one day what am I going to do incinerate them or whatever but I just come in and I'm like oh fuck my mum's throwing me socks

and I come up and I lift my mattress up and I just see the socks are gone and I come up, right, and I lift my mattress up, and I just see the socks are gone, and I'm like, oh, she had to handle those socks. She had to handle them. And I just went downstairs, I was like, hi, mam, see if I've got a new mattress.

She's like, yep, I hope you enjoy it. Just doesn't mention it. I know she knows. She knows that I know she knows, right? But she just doesn't speak it, that lovely woman. I mean, yeah, and that's the thing, because you sort of go, she goes, ah, I'm your mum, I've seen you do worse. It's like, yeah, but when I was a baby,

not when I was going to... Almost an adult. Not now that I'm cool. So, um... And I've got a paper round. So it was, like, about 15 years after that moment, right, I was bringing some laundry to my mum's, because when I lived in Ashton,

I used to sometimes bring laundry to my mum's house, I lived in Ashton I used to sometimes bring my laundry to my mam's house because I'm still looking can't look after myself so I'd bring my mam my laundry to do and then she just threw us this multi-pack of socks like a fucking 12 pack of socks and went, don't use them for anything dirty this time and I was like

what the fuck to me, I was like, I haven't used a sock since I was a teenager but I didn't know what she was getting at but she just went To me, I was like, I haven't used a sock as a spaff rag since I was a teenager, right? But I didn't know what she was getting at. But she just went, look, every time you bring us your laundry, there's less and less socks in your laundry. And I know you're going through them because when I changed your mattress that day,

and I was like, oh, no. That day, when you changed my mattress and my whole world crumbled. She was like, I had to ask your dad why they were so hard. They were like corrugated. I had... I like that idea. She still hard. They were like corrugated iron. I like that. She still thinks you use them because you're just like your dad.

Yeah. Still using his socks. She'll go and chuck them under there, Matt, or she'll get them back. He's going to be alive on the podcast. I mean, if you want to go on a hashtag adventure comedian. Hashtag adventure comedian. Into your mum and dad's bedroom bedroom Start rummaging through their drawers Live on the podcast

Fuck The last thing is My dad will be listening to this podcast Not live Going I hope they didn't do it It's alright Kev We're not gonna

Or are we Might wait till later No hang on They'll be asleep in there later That'd be a weird thing to do just lifting up his leg what's under it

oh man anybody that rummages through their parents bedroom is fucking brave oh Jesus I um no it's been nice it's always nice

coming to your house it's nice coming back to the uh the lovely community that is the punch trunk yeah you've been having a nice take on it oh god you've been ripping the gigs It's always nice coming to your house. It's nice coming back to the lovely community that is. The Punch Drunk. Yeah. You've been having a nice time, haven't you?

Oh, God. You've been ripping the gigs, man. I'm fucking surprised. Because you went solo two years ago? Well, I officially went solo November. But you've been doing... I've been doing stand-up for two years, but only sort of like once every couple of months

because it had to be around. So to anybody that doesn't know, which may be some of the newer listeners um you are an improv troupe fantastic improv troupe who are still going called the noise next door yeah who are headlining clubs up and down the country yeah oh they're excellent they play every single gig do corporate gigs and you uh you were a member of this this crew and you just decided that you wanted to be a solo artist? I did a Robbie Williams. Slash Beyonce. I kind of want to be a Beyonce, you know.

Want to be a Beyonce? Yeah. Did she leave... Destiny's Child. Destiny's Child. Did Destiny's Child shed from her? Or maybe they just all just splintered like a... Like a crusty sock.

Smaller and smaller until it was just her. Yeah. Like a chrysalis coming off her. Yeah. She slipped out like a snake. I'll just her. Yeah. Like a chrysalis coming off her. Right, yeah. She slipped out like a snake. I'll just say Robbie then. But yeah, left in... So you started doing solo.

So this is a strange transition because a lot of people that pick up comedy, they have to work on the material, but they have to also work on stagecraft, how to hold the mic, how to present themselves. But you already had all of this. So all you needed... You come out up the blocks like a fucking racehorse because

yeah because in the two years that you've been doing comedy you've already had ten years of stagecraft of connecting with an audience so all you needed to do was make sure you had

the right material to do that so you're two years in and you're doing like you're smashing the punch drunk gigs which are now quite sought after

I wouldn't book I wouldn't book a novice comedian to do these gigs because they'd be in such good pedigree like these audiences have seen like

Glenn Wool and Gary Delaney and Zoe Lyons I'm sandwiched in between two absolute beasts of performers yeah like 40 years of experience

between them yeah my gosh and then you're there two years and properly holding your own like you're totally smashing it it's great to watch man yeah it's um well yeah the gig but the gigs are awesome like the the the community's there and they're great it's it's that sort of thing you're just yeah just not shitting myself and second guessing everything and just because you enjoy it yeah you

can just enjoy it i think um i mean the people around this area have always been really nice i've had the nicest i mean to the extent where not just buying your drinks i've had girls literally to show me their piles yes that's a lovely gesture isn't it yeah i i i realized you know obviously you know when you go to a foreign lands that the customs are very different yeah i realized i think this woman is really showing me the utmost respect and it was it was in the red line in bedlington and the bedlington weather spoons uh there was there was a girl that like liked you and then there was another girl who already had your eye on you right so basically a girl was chatting you up and being very flirty but one of her not friends but someone she knew had already mentioned that she liked you so in bed lincoln's

customs mentioning that you like it means that you're hers now i got tramp stamps you got absolutely pissed on yeah right so she sprayed a scent on you went mine told some people in the room mine and then one of the people in the room overlooked that custom and they had a fight in the car park didn't they yeah handbags at dawn but the one that were like the one that was shanks shanks at midnight so yeah they got separated by some um other people i remember that we had to leave i didn't i didn't think it ever got the um got the proper blows but they were like they locked horns they did a couple of ruts at each other they other we had to leave at the back

I remember driving out the car park and seeing the fucking that proper posturing people are getting into the circle round

and it's like battle battle battle so you the girl that was flirting with you that upset the other girl

was flirting with you by the means of telling you she had piles and wanting to show you them in the car park yeah they had names

she named them oh Bert and Annie it was it was it was it was it was

it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was

it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was

it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was

it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was

it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was

it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was

it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was Laurel and Hardy how did you think of that one that was just that was just me riffing as I said I used to be in an improv group but I've left them now

if you don't use it you lose it so you know I did get to see the Pales because of no I didn't because of

opposition our nemesis our nemesis cock blocked you Pales blocked me Pales drive at you Pales drive at me because of our opposition, our nemesis. Our nemesis cock-blocked you. Pile-blocked you. Pile-drivered you. Pile-drivered me. So, Tom, I think we should put some people in Muggle's Corner.

Yeah? Should we do that? Let's do it. All right. But first, you nearly sexually assaulted a child last night. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about it. Yes.

I am a 15-year-old student. I didn't realize he was 15. Well. Which, you know, is a bad sentence. I mean, how many times has that worked? That sentence is usually followed by a sentence. But I didn't know. Yeah, I do this thing on stage where I just, I say, I debate,

how close is too close to have your face next to someone else's face. And you're singing a song and you're playing some chords. And I go, how close is too close to have your face next to someone else's face. Like, yeah, really sort of tension music. And then I gradually go forward and forward until I. Until they say that's too close. Yeah. And he.

Didn't say that's too close. No, he didn't. To be fair. He was scared. He was afraid. He was scared. Just sat there asking for it. Yeah.

And your face touched his face. Yeah, it did. Which was a brave move. It was brave. For a 15-year-old boy. Yeah. The little whispery, not even stubble. Yeah, everyone's laughing.

Wapping off my teeth. Everyone's laughing that your stubble touched his pristine peach face. And then you come back and the guy's blushing. He's afraid and then your next line was well he what was your next line was that when he moved

three three feet away yeah and I went you've only moved three feet away I could make that no no the next line was

which is part of your oh how close is too close to have your penis yeah after doing that with your face you said to the 15 year old boy how close is too close to have your penis and he got that with your face you said the 15 year old boy how close is too close to have your penis he got up and moved three seats away and went this close

still trying to sexually assault me and i said 15 years old and i said you've only moved three feet i could make that distance with a semi on yes to a 15 year old boy pushing the boundaries of comedy since 2017 Tommy Two Sniffs Horton if there are any improv groups looking for a new

member and don't mind him being on the register yeah it was very funny well at last you know you gotta

just I'm doing I'm doing something in comedy I don't think it's been done before I'm trying to push the boundaries don't think has been done before. It's really trying to push the boundaries.

It's very avant-garde. If this was an Edinburgh show, it'd be award-winning. Yeah. I'm just doing something new. You know what I mean? Touching kids as the new dead mum. Touching the boundaries. You love it.

Right. So, Muggle Corner. Some of you do muggly things. Some of us do muggly things. Some of us do muggly things. Where about we muggle? Oh, shit. Some of us just abuse kids. I'm going to add something.

I'm going to do a fourth Muggle Corner. I'm going to do an example of what's a Muggle Corner because I've got three that I'm going to present. Right. But I'm going to add a bonus one, a bonus Muggle. You know those top ten lists that have been going up yep that's the epitome of Muggle right absolutely this is two gigs I've been to

one's a lie which one's a lie please don't rock with me I need attention every level of it's Mugglery I'm in Muggle Corner because I saw Daniel Sloss the great cream

the late great cream oh he just poured one out for him he's not dead he's just dead to me he's very much alive in my world

but because I miss him oh Kai I miss my cream do you want me to I mean I do like you do you want me do you want me to leave you

in a room with a sock for a bit do you mate it's the worst this is like you're going to chill with your parents this has been like in a bed where you're

paid god fuck wish my ex was here I thought shout out of my exes was he I thought shout out to my ex yeah because that's what you do there's the list

of the top ten and everyone does oh so here are ten bands that I've nine I've seen and one's a lie and it's like well they're all just bands

you could have seen any like and then you have but then there's another sort of muggly thing of then as a comedian then there's another sort of muggly thing of then as a comedian

then going here's my joke version of this list which is what you did there was a comedian who was just like here's a list of places I've been

one of them is a lie and then he was like for God's sake none of them are lies I've been all of them bragging about your travels are you yeah I can imagine

I wonder who that could and here's a list of my favourite numbers one of them's a lie it's like an F

Daniel Sloss because I did this as I knew I was being a muggle and even knowing that I'm being a muggle and still

doing it is still muggly it doesn't matter how many layers of self-awareness are involved you're still a muggle for doing it so i threw myself under the bus of mugglery just to piss loss off yeah here's a list of things that i've that i love one of those alliance

natalie just suddenly they're halfway down just put cake cake cake cake one of them's a lie it can't be cake yeah because by deduction that would make nine of them a lie cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake live love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love Muggles Where did boo come from? I don't know Rap music maybe 90s movies They call it boo Because it's supposed to scare you Love is scary

It's a scary thing Are you scared at the moment? I'm in love But yeah The top ten lists are very muggling yes so that's that's the bonus muggle

so what do you present as your first muggle corner so hey stand in the corner if you've done I'm going to stand in the corner now

should I do it I'm near a corner also muggle stand in corners we made that a thing muggles muggles get personalised number plates

yes they do fuck it Jesus Christ and it was my dream to have one when I was younger really oh I had the one

there was Kai 7 Bosch there was B was an 8 and O was an O and then SH so it was

Kai 7 Bosch oh it was was it K41 I don't know what it was but it said Kai 7 Bosch right and I was number 7 on K41? I don't know what it was, but it said Kai Sevenbosch, right? Yeah. And I was number seven on my football team. Oh, I mean, so that's...

And my nickname was Kai Bosch. This was your dream. It was there. It just said Kai Sevenbosch, and I was like, I fucking need that number plate. And it was like two grand or something. Two grand? And I was like, one day I'll have the dollar. But by the time I did have the dollar, I was like, I'm not a muggle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I mean mean Jesus Christ yeah the amount of other things you could have it's just that sort of weird thing like is a number plate is just sort of

admin as far as the law and stuff they're just writing your name on the side of your shoes or something like why why do you need it

customising your vehicle is it yeah but and it's also people know it's you you know like we've made fans got like

these cars just fan like in this small number made Fens got like his car's just Fen like in this small number and I'm just like oh there's Fen like even when I like you might change his car I was like

oh there's Fen but it's I was like oh there's Fen he's a fucking muggle there he goes there he goes been a muggle

probably gonna I don't know what do muggles do yes that's I think also like the mega rich so when i lived in knightsbridge there were loads of cars going around to all had uh number of places like that but they all had really unique

cars anyway so it's not like why do you need to make your car any more unique i do feel like in a in this neck of the woods as well it's a bit of a fl of status like you know people people are like i'm doing all right all right jack yeah yeah there's a little bit i've got two grand to spend so i can just sign my car if people are people are going around knightsbridge would personalize number plates that's fucking pocket change to them you know they're looking at they're just going oh this is fucking bold so i got my numbers plate changed yeah there's something to do you know but like yeah like like i said i when i wanted a number plate fuck i had to save up know but like yeah like I said when I wanted a number plate fuck I had to save up that isn't just like

I'm going to get that off like a little bit of pocket change I'm going to have to fucking like work hard for months to get that so it is

I think it is a flash of status around here but it's muggly yep I agree muggle number one

muggles definitely getting muggle corner if you've got a personalised number plate I don't I haven'tised number plate I don't I haven't got a car I don't actually

I've got a hire car at the minute I just do that now I just like because I think cars are just so much a fucking like admin black hole

they're just like insurance and tax and MOT and services and blah I just pick up a car when I need one now yeah I'm quite enjoying

public transport to be honest you gotta read a book it just means I can get drunk more yeah when I read a book when I'm drunk when I'm driving

people die yeah exactly I've got blood on my hands when I'm on the train drunk with a book no one gets hurt just the person in front of us

they've just got your personalised number plate stamped into their body I can't read in my head when I'm sober, though, so just a noise for the passengers. Yeah. What's your next mobile call?

So this podcast will go out on Thursday, which, by the way, I think we're just going to do a weekly podcast now because me and Cream are travelling so much, so we'll take turns doing it each week. So this will probably come out on Thursdays. So this Thursday, if you're listening to it, this Thursday,

May the 4th, listen to the podcast on May the 4th. I'm not going to say it. Go on. Go on. Some people are going to say to you this very day,

May the 4th be with you and also with you. What the fuck are those muggles thinking? Let's break this down may the force be with you is the thing they say on Star Wars

may the force be with you so if like say if you had a lisp may the force be with you may the force be with you right so it's basically lisp and may the force

be with you with people but also you do that with any sort of thing like if you work at starbucks on that day and someone has a thruffy coffee frothy may the throth be with you i just don't i just don't like it i just don't like what they're doing with it because it's like it doesn't it doesn't even work as a double entendre because i'm like what do you mean the day is with me I get that it means

may the fourth be with you it sounds like may the fourth be with you but how can the fourth of May be with me yeah yeah how can that be with me that's going to be

very complicated tomorrow we're being really deep and philosophical here the day is with you my boy may the day always be with you is the idea

that it's it's just because it sounds good it puns on it but it doesn't really pun on it because it doesn't work as a double entendre

so did they release any of the Star Wars on that day or anything like that I think people I think it's like one where people have marathons

of watching the Star Wars movies like you know everyone had a marathon of the Back to the Future movies on the day when it was actually meant to be

was it 2014 or 15 or something there was a day that they went to in Back to the Future movies on the day when it was actually meant to be was it 2014 or 15 or something there was a day that they went to in Back to the Future and everyone had a Back to the Future marathon that day

so I think like Star Wars fans have Star Wars marathons on May the 4th because it's like you can half pun the name on a broken joke and say it to people

and put it on Facebook status and just grind the gears of people that haven't got muggle tendencies yeah Christ I was trying to think of any new ones i could do but all i thought was just watching liar liar on the i think it's you lie you lie the first you lie the first book of Eli no

no there's no more which is not a good thing people started posting as well this is like the second wave of mugglery that comes with May the 4th be with you is on the 6th of May

people put Revenge of the Sixth oh stop oh wow make it stop oh! Make it stop! Make it stop! Oh my God. And then the third wave of mugglery that comes with this is people put May the 4th be with you in the middle of September or December.

Or just miles away from May the 4th, people put May the 4th be with you as like a meta version of I am mocking I am aware that what they do is muggly so I'm going to put it in a time that isn't May the 4th to make people laugh but then that has become common fold and that is now the third wave of May the 4th mugglery

it never ends, it is a year round torture waterboard torture and fucking mugglery. Getting the muggles off my face. I mean, yeah, Onslaught. Jesus. I mean, it's nice that it's got a trilogy, though.

Because that's what works for itself. That means there's got to be two more trilogies. There's going to be a trilogy of mugglery. Yeah. Oh, then there's going to be a rogue one. Out there out of nowhere. The spin-offs. be a trilogy of trilogy of mugglery yeah oh then there's gonna be a rogue one out there nowhere spin-offs

and then there'll be a jan solo oh no oh no it's like fucking too many cooks have you seen the video too many cooks

where it just goes on and on too many cooks it's like 18 minutes or something yeah if anyone's um if anyone hasn't seen Too Many Cooks

and they're like, what are those two talking about? Just go on YouTube, type in Too Many Cooks, press play, make sure you've got like 15 minutes. I hate showing anyone a YouTube video that's more than a minute long, right? This is 13 minutes long. Imagine I'm recommending a TV show to you, right? Yeah, you showed it to me,

I think halfway through a session once. I just left me watching it. It's brutal. It's brutal. It's brutal at like five in the morning when we're like, come down and like, you've run out of substances. Yeah. You know, like you're looking at dregs of beer cans, empty cigarette packets. Because you get, I mean, you get the joke about a minute in. Yeah.

And then you just look and it's 26 minutes. Oh, right. Oh, this is it. This is never going to start. It's never going to start it's never going to start is it and then it never starts but then it gets dark as fuck yeah yeah that's where we are now with we are 10 minutes in to too many kooks with the may the fourth be with you gag oh god it's a rule of diminishing returns Yes. Yeah, that's definitely a muggle corner.

I do say it, though. I definitely say it. I'll sort of instinctively say it. You know what? I will try and spin a joke on it at some point and keep perpetuating this trilogy of muggleries. Yeah. That's it.

Yep, in. Totally. My next one is... Do you get this? People who leave answer phone messages are then messaged to say that they've rung you yeah i i'm gonna put this just on a personal level i'm gonna say yes this goes yeah because marlena my agent will contact me over every medium right i'll get a check

she's sending you snapchats of her do you know every text that she's text me she's also whatsapp me really she doubles it she doubles it she's texas and whatsapps right wow if i get one i'll get the other she just needs to send one of those right but she does both but every now and again she'll dm us on twitter saying did you get my text yeah like wow like i'll just i'll just return to my phone i'll return to my phone to all of them because if i got a text i'd reply yeah of course you know they're saying it's taking something i've rung you it's like well i know because that's what phones do they tell you that you've rung me yeah you don't need to then message me and then especially then leaving and then i get annoyed just leaving an answer and an answer message anyway that just goes hi just ringing to see how you are hope you're right

like it's like if there's no information in it yeah then i don't need it yeah if you because if you ring someone if you message someone leave an answer for a message for someone they've got to have the substance of what it's for in yeah like so if you know if you bring someone you don't want to leave an answer for a message but then you'll text them just going hey i'm just ringing to see what time you're going to be back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. All right, fine. You're saying I just rang you. Yeah.

And then you've ringed them back, and they go, just saying what time you got back. You're like, why are you putting so many layers of communication on this simple message? Yeah, it's just too much. Yeah.

Answer phone messages, I get, like, when I'm leaving an answer phone message, I talk too much. Yeah. I talk way too much on an answer phone message I talk too much yeah I talk way too much on an answer phone message yeah I don't know what makes us do it I do that I try and I also and I think really slow and correctly it's like this is your one chance to hear this hello it's Tom here and then if you had to leave an answer message with your number in, how slow you have to say the number. And you always have to say it twice.

Do it. My number is 07-965-433-1122. I'm not saying my actual number. I can see you're looking at me like I'm actually going to say my number. He's doing it. He's fucking doing it. We just give out someone's number. I was just saying random numbers. Wait, could everyone text that random number and let us know via twitter

who it is and what they say um everybody that did you just give out a random number there did you do hang on oh one no no no no because you can't rehash it if that was 11 digits no that was about 16 digits by the end okay so the first 11 digits of that number, if everybody, including me, I'll do two, could text that number on Thursday, seeing me in the fourth room with you. Yeah, and then leave a message as well. And then leave a message saying,

did you get my text? That person's whole muggle verse is going to crumble. Amazing. The first four numbers were mine. Oh, yeah. So now people are going to guess it. People are going to guess the rest. I've only got six more.

Or whatever. All right. I've got this muggle corner, but I don't know if it is. I'm undecided. I wrote it down. I wrote it down and I didn't know. Because there's some good ones. I think some people are just swinging a miss with it.

Okay, go on then. Photo bombing. Yeah. Well. There's some great ones. It went up here to you online with just a dude at the Punch Drunk gig. Yeah. And Steve Harris' little face was just in the tiniest little gap between you.

Yeah. And it was like a really well-matched one. I like that. But he'd been in a photo when you know when someone comes in and like I think this is the I think I've worked it out

just now if the people that are getting the photo can see your photo bombing it's not a photo bombing so if you just dive into the photo like bleh

yeah totally you're a muggle if you can like manage to sneak in and you're not seen until they see the photo yeah that's fine

I think there's an there's an art to it i think um because what well that was really nice because it was uh it was steve harris but also the way he'd angle like he hadn't just jumped over the top and made it obvious so as soon as you look at the photo you see the photo bomb he found a real good gap he snuck himself in a little nook like he's like here's johnny yeah like in the shining so you look at the photo and it's actually fine and then you go hang on look at that it's like it's like a when you see it moment yeah yeah exactly which so there's there was a classiness to his photobombing yeah and you didn't know he was there at the time not so

matured right but anybody that just tries to like photobomb yeah that's it yeah exactly that it dives in it's like that's not what you do yeah that's just going me yeah that's just you not being able to handle someone else

having their photo taken yeah like if you're at a restaurant and you see people taking a selfie and you can like just slide your little thumbs up head in the corner

and then get back to your meal and then when they look through their photos they go oh look that dude at the other table absolutely I remember

I was once taking a selfie with me and my mate Henry when we were in Nepal. We were waiting at an airport, and as we were taking the selfie, we saw in the gap between us there was a guy looking through. So what I did is I took the photo

and then went straight to the photo and then i went straight to the photo and then zoomed in on his face so he could see that i'd zoomed in on his face looking through the thing yeah and then we both turned around and looked at him and he was just like he busted him so he was trying to photobomb but you zoomed in on him i don't think he was even trying to photo i think he was just trying to look at what we were doing i think he was just been a really creepy, weird dude. And he was like, yeah, I can see you looking behind. You know what I really hate saying?

Really hate saying? People taking selfies in the gym. I've caught people taking selfies at the gym before and I just feel like walking over to them and go, give yourself a wash. Scrub yourself clean right now. Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, I...

If you ever want to do it, you know, I rarely take my phone into the gym now anyway because you'd find yourself stuck on it. It distracts you from your point. Yeah, I agree. But sometimes I do if I've got business to attend. I do, yeah. Because actually, the gym we were in yesterday,

just the tunes were great anyway. My gym back at home plays music really quietly, so I actually quite like just pumping up the tunes. But the thing is, I don't begrudge anyone looking at themselves

in the mirror in the gym because I think part of the point of going to the gym is the reward of looking at yourself and going, oh, I fucking feel good. And I get that. I totally get that.

Yeah, and it's assessing your work, especially if you've been going for a few weeks. You want to check with the mirror. Yeah, if I i totally get that yeah and it's like it's assessing your work especially if you've been going for a few weeks you want to you want to check with the mirad like yeah if i go into the changing room and someone's checking the cell out the mirror i'm like yeah that's part of what you're doing exactly but you're gonna fucking blindfold yourself to your to your work yeah exactly take your photo of yourself you are you are the photo normally the photo now the photo themselves like i'm not talking about like a full body taking a photo of them flexing because that would actually be more acceptable if i went in the gym and someone

was flexing the mirror and taking a photo of their physique right right i'm like oh you're you're taking a photo of progress but when someone is just like the face their headphones the the gym equipment in the background just like i'm in the gym to send on snapchat right okay yeah i just send on like i just think there's something really like yeah i mean over documenting your life in general is just ridiculous i'm now in this car i'm now here i had a spell i tried to keep up with snapchat and i just like i couldn't understand that people would want to see it like but and only for six seconds uh-huh because that's what snapchat was made for it was made for selling sending nudes and stuff is that right

that makes sense I mean pretty much yeah yeah it's like this message will self-destruct in six seconds it doesn't exist anymore absolutely

it alerts you if someone's taking a screen grab of it it should have probably stopped people taking a screen grab of it I mean I assume people do

screen grab black hole I don't know yeah and then people could have just carried on sending nudes fucking happily but then you could

just take a photo of the screen with another phone there's no way of like there's no way you could ever be fully private I mean yeah

I mean Christ how much you just don't send a picture of your cock there's the answer yes that is a good message to put out there everyone

don't send pictures stop sending pictures of your cock unless like someone that you like someone that you're with a someone that's already in agreement

made friends with your penis right someone that has already made friends with your penis asks for a photo

and you want to send it is the only time that it's good to send a send a dick pic yeah sort of

sort of think about it as like having sex in any way you know only have sex with people who you sort of have an think about it as like having sex in any way you know only have sex with people who you sort of

have an agreement that that's what you want to do with rather than just assuming that they want to have that just see it as sex

see it as sex so giving someone your penis without them asking for it is raping them right stop raping people

I think that's my message I think that's my message. I think that's my message to dick pic vendors. Spit the truth. So where... Muggles send dick pics. And also criminals. Yeah. Just take yourself off.

Have a little moment with yourself in a sock. Just go, what am I doing? Download some... Gale Porter. Oh, Gail Porter. And sort yourself out. Still love you. So what was the original

Muggle Corner? Because that really got... Photobombing. We're actually never talking on the pit. Photobombing. So I would say it's Mugly

if you've just got no finesse with it. It's Mugly if you get caught. Yeah, if you get... Yeah, exactly. Right. I think there is an art to it. There are some photobombs

that I love. Obviously, photobombs that i love like um obviously photos like animals and stuff that stingray thing had me absolutely howling when he's just like we've seen that one where it's the three girls and the photobomb by animals is amazing that's that's amazing right did you see did you see the photobomb by animal that i had i didn't get photobombed by an animal right i took a photo of a kangaroo over my shoulder so i took a selfie with a kangaroo on my shoulder and the kangaroo stuck its tongue out amazing like if you go on my facebook my facebook's public so if anyone wants to go on my facebook and just like scroll through my profile photos until you get there there's a picture of a kangaroo just like and it is fucking incredible

like that that photo got like so i think in that week i'd met fucking dave chappelle and jasper carrot in the space of like in the space of a week either side of that kangaroo That photo got like... So I think in that week, I'd met fucking Dave Chappelle and Jasper Carrot in the space of a week either side of that kangaroo incident, right? And I got more likes of the photograph of the kangaroo with his tongue out than I did of the photograph of Dave Chappelle and Jasper Carrot.

Amazing. You could do decades and decades of comedy at the highest level and you will never be as as popular as a kangaroo yeah i don't think animals can be muggly no looking at a bee just doing its stuff i'm just going oh you're a muggly bastard so yeah i think that i think we got it right if if you if you do it right if you sneak yourself into a photo bomb with a little bit of finesse yeah you're a legend if you're like me me me take a photo of me too i need me to be acknowledged yeah then you can muggle off muggle off yep done done nice what you got uh i don't know if you've done before but like um

i've i've i've sort of um this phrase, I think, but fashion rations when everyone else is doing them. This is like when you sort of go, I'm giving up bread for this thing or I'm giving up alcohol for this thing. But you just do it when it's sort of like you're rationing yourself just because it's fashionable. I'm growing a moustache for November.

Yeah, any sort of just... Yeah, dry January dictated well everyone else is doing it so I'm going to do it like if you want to go on a diet

you want to diet whenever you want if you want to give up alcohol give up alcohol when you want to don't do it because everyone else just like

just give up alcohol in January it's going to have the same effect as doing it in March I think we'll put dry January in but this is zooming out

on the whole concept of that this is like the whole uh joining the herd to do uh rush like like you said ration yourself uh fashion fashion rations yeah i was uh wondering what you're on about when you said fashion russian because it sounded like you i only buy clothes once a once a quarter right yeah you're budgeting yeah budgeting smuggling so So yeah, like rationing yourself, withholding things from yourself, stopping sugar for Lent, stopping chocolate for Lent because a lot of people are stopping chocolate for Lent. Yeah, that's it. Dry January. Just do it whenever you need to.

Instead of joining a fad trend. That's actually going to expire and it's not going to be a lifestyle change. And like we're all on the same body clock like imagine if you had a real alcohol problem but it was like july you're like i'm gonna wait till january to finish anybody that waits till january the first it's just um yeah i think i mean maybe i'm maybe i'm zooming too out i think that's it but i think but I think it may help people if it's like, if you can say, oh, I'm doing dry October or whatever. Do people do dry October?

So if people do like a thing that... Oh, they do stoptober. Stoptober, that was it. That was what I was looking for. Because it's, yeah, a pun. A pun is always good to make people give stuff up. It really is. Maybe that's what it should be the muggly thing is just making something because it's something that

do something because it puns yeah yeah so or rhymes i think that um it's it's easy to not drink if you've got a reason to say you're not drinking so if someone's like you want to paint and if they go i'm doing stop toba it is it is equipping them with an excuse right but also the other option is to have willpower the i like it when someone's like you want to drink and you go i'm driving people are cool with that right but sometimes people go hey just leave the car get a taxi back with us i'll give you a lift in the morning for your car it's still quenchable right yeah having the car is sometimes still i just let your hair down we'll really see each other

leave the car we'll get it tomorrow but the best one ever was when I had a fight in the books when I was about to fight Gav you've been in this position too

I have I've been fighting Gav for fucking years you fought in the comics boxing yeah I did now in the build up of the comics boxing people offer you a drink

now when you go I've got a fight coming up people go oh cool yeah yeah oh yeah yeah that's that's that yeah that's the trump card dude yeah i don't want you're gonna get punched in the face i don't want you to fuck that up yeah yeah right oh you're gonna fuck your face up i don't want to fuck your organs up then yeah i think so people are really respectful about you're not i think they're the only way you can truly get rid of the peer pressure and keep the

discipline is having a fight in the diary so instead of doing stop toba fucking book a fight yeah because isn't that weird like just just the general concern for your own health day to day isn't enough for us yeah then it's like i'll stop being a pussy all right no i'm specifically putting myself in danger at this date oh then in that case yeah yeah yeah totally i yeah, totally. I don't think I get it. I found it really tough in Perth and Adelaide because I was saving up for an engagement ring and I was trying to get

into good shape for the proposal, which if anyone's tuned into the podcast now, there's a two-hour special episode where we cover all of that. Me and Danny's comeback when we were in Melbourne.

But that time, people were trying to get us to come up for a drink because I've got a reputation as a bit of a party boy. And I couldn't say to them, hey, I'm saving up for a ring and I'm trying to get into shape for a proposal because I didn't want the world to know. So did you come up with an excuse?

Nah, I was just like, I literally was just going, nah, I'm being a pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just being a pussy. Yeah, I'm being a fucking loser, mate. I'm that guy. Hate on us on us right so i really just threw myself under the bus and just didn't give any excuses apart from i don't want to come out here i was actually really quite dull i wonder actually though how many people just sort of

actually inside will have gone ah fair enough actually that's not too bad i've actually quite enjoyed like coming up the last two days i thought i'd grown up it's a hard way yeah leveled up yeah it's totally leveled up 250 000 xp we are knocking on an hour so i'm gonna put a muggle corner fashion rations i like the term fashion russian yeah also the fashion ration is really muggly get in the corner oh people like things because of the pun yeah like fashion Russian fucking turn the

gun on yourself so this is so I found like a style of comedy that people borrow right

this is borrowed comedy that people put up in their house or whatever put in cards put up in the workplace

you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps. Yeah. I don't always cook with wine. I always cook with wine and sometimes I even put it in my food. That's not even your joke and it's still shit. Oh, you borrowed a joke? That was bad. Do you want some tea

with your sugar? I gave up smoking and sex and drinking. It was the worst few minutes of my life. Oh, you borrowed a joke and it was still shit. Oh, you couldn't come up with your own joke.

So you borrowed someone else's and you still suck. You're a fucking muggle, mate. Can we agree that borrowing shit jokes and recycling shit jokes 100% is the muggliest of muggles. Do you know what? They're borrowing shit jokes. 100%. And recycling shit jokes. 100%. Do you know what?

Because even those lines, when the first come up with, the first person that come up with them lines, right, would just be a flippant remark that their friends laugh at and move on. Don't carve it in driftwood and put it up in your kitchen. I love people who love dad jokes. Well, it's nearly your fucking favorite time of the day i know i'm very good it's what i've been waiting for but you mean dad jokes like dad yeah yeah but sort of if there's irony to it i sort of get it but these these people you think

are really sort of they're walking around like they are cock of the walk boom boom yeah these things i'm saying yeah yeah no i tell you of course it's ugly because you're not being yourself you're just regurgitating yeah it's like standard it's like uh anything like a card like a hallmark card when you're buying someone a joke card it's a borrowed sentiment yeah isn't it but it's yeah yeah totally i just i just think if you if you if you peddle out those jokes do you know why um you know there's like christmas cracker style bad jokes do you know why christmas crackers are bad jokes so the idea is that comedy is subjective and so everyone's got a different opinion on what's funny or not but everyone rallies behind a bad joke so they put

bad jokes deliberately in crackers to make everyone go oh fuck it all and it unifies everyone's on the same and everyone's on the same wavelength wow that's the mentality behind it everyone can groan at it together they deliberately make christmas crackers muggly so that christmas crackers are so muggly i'm gonna spend spend money it's so muggly I'm going to spend spend money on this little hat and this joke and this

to look like a dick and say shit things this frog that when you press on its bum it leaps an inch and now try and do this impossible puzzle

glad I'm with my family having fun yeah no that's totally a muggle corner right that's straight in so everything got into there didn't it we've been a bit ruthless corner right that's straight in so everything got into there didn't it we've been a bit

ruthless but let's do it yeah well one got in with a proviso the bonus muggle corner so there's up to there's up to three and a half minutes today

30 seconds four if you do a top ten list I'll quickly do mine may the fourth be with you or any spin off joke to may the fourth be with you

revenge of the sixth may the fourth we've done this I'm not doing it again too many cooks too many cooks May the 4th be with you. Or any spin-off joke to May the 4th be with you. Revenge of the 6th. May the 4th. We've done this. I'm not doing it again. Too many cooks. Too many cooks. Photo bombing.

Get it right, I'll get in the corner. Borrowing jokes. Peddling them out there. Putting them up in your workplace. Yeah, absolutely. And then I've got personalising number plates. Just leaving answer messages and then saying that you've left answer messages or just trying to do too many times getting in touch with someone. And then fashion rationing yourself or doing any sort of fashionable thing, but like including the word fashion ration.

Yeah, that's just you though. That's just you getting the corner. Now, closing our podcast. So see you again, stand in the corner and listen to these. It'll only take us three minutes. So enjoy you getting the corner now closing our podcast so see you you get to stand in the corner and listen to these it'll only take us three minutes

so enjoy these from the corner lovely you muggles tell us about my dad tell me Kai your dad lies down on the carpet

in front of the fire to have a snooze curled up like a nice little dog your dad belly dances for your mom when she flicks a bean with a little Arabian sash

and everything and has on his hands your dad has a cigarette that he just bites for the look doesn't like it I do

I bite my cigarette, you know, if I'm like in the building, like say if you hand me a cigarette in the pub, I'd put it between my teeth as I walk out. I never put it between my lips, I would just bite on it. For the look, I don't like it. I was to get it right here.

That's another one where I don't know the words, right? Nah. Light it, for the look, I don't like it. Stay there, Annie, for the ants, they all play. That's the words, right? Nice. Light it for the look, I don't light it. Air state of Annie for the ants they all play. That's the words, right? The ants they all play. Come on, ants, get in the groove. Your dad wears a suit to play Monopoly.

And a tie if he's the banker. Yeah, he's still the banker, actually. Your dad goes to Greg's and orders a sausage roll without the sausage. Just flake your pastries Your dad made it rain with the coins made it rain with coins in the strip club and got thrown out

for split I've fucked this one haven't I I've fucked this one I've fucked this one I'm going to do it anyway Do you want to run up Rewind

I'll rewind Your dad made it rain with coins and got thrown out of the club for splitting shaniqua's eye open i did i did once pay a stripper with coins oh no on the first of november yeah you've been halloweening yeah thanks for the candy i uh your dad has a penny sweet exhibition with a brand new soft chew section your dad's rude to wait and stuff when when they came when they came when they come back i'm fucking having a nightmare mate what's going on i don't know what's going on i'm just really nervous about calling your dad names because he's the fucking general of the military. You wait till the red dot starts appearing.

Yeah, yeah. Natalie will be like, finally. What's that called again? Bindi. Bindi. Yeah, I'm just waiting for fucking SWAT team to push through the window and call your dad names.

Even though it's a recorded podcast, he's got me bugged. Your dad's in the house. This is true. He's asleep by the fire. Your dad's rude to waiting staff when they come to ask if everything's okay or if he's merely by the fire your dad's rude to wait and staff when they come to ask if everything's okay

or if he's mealy blows raspberries at them your dad can say the alphabet backwards but not forwards I don't know what that was and he has to do it phonetically I've never gotten up

to X on the like you know if you go what is it is it X it can't be X because X is X

X is X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X Xur. Xur. Xur marks the spot. Xur marks the spot. Xur marks the spot. Do you remember that Vin Diesel film? Triple Xur. Did you ever listen to the Xur Cutioners with Linkin Park? It's going down. It's going down.

I did watch the Xur files. You watched Xur? Fuck that. Yeah. All right. This is a shout out to my cousin your dad put his flip-flops on the wrong feet at your granddad's funeral that's true your dad watches the film my girl every year on february the 7th with his cousin and no one knows why your your dad tried to kiss me and i was like come on nick we've all had a

drink i've got a lot because it's because uh nick i've got a lot i've just got engaged you know this listen to the podcast he's gonna rock up to your wedding in flip-flops. Kai! Please! You've had a drink again. Oh, no. Nick's been on the bottle. Hold the bottle, Nick.

He'll let the bottle hold you. Kai, your dad is a grade eight in cloud watching. What's it out of? Eight? Yes. He's nailed it. Yes, dad. He he's nailed it yes dad he's absolutely nailed it

yes it's been a smashing it lifetime achievement your dad's palms are sweaty his knees are weak his arms are heavy there's vomit on his sweater already

what I'm saying is your dad's a lightweight let go of the bottle Nick let the bottle let go of you. Your dad, Kai, practices trust falls with himself in the mirror? He's got so many years

of bad luck. Your dad was a little bit crestfallen when he saw my dad's World's Best Dad mug. Oh. When he realised everyone else had one. Why do you feel the world crumbled? Just didn't want to lie, Dad.

Your dad stands next to the whack-a-mole machine at the arcade and protests animal cruelty. Splat the rat rat splashes red paint on people yeah your dad runs like a sissy and he can't throw it over our

arm I'll tell you what my dad can't do he can't cook a fuck no not cook a salad

he can't cut a salad anyway he can't cook a salad that's why he's doing the mud

yeah your Kai this is my final one okay your dad You can cut a salad. You can't cook a salad. That's why you're doing them wrong. Yeah. Kai, this is my final one. Okay. Your dad buys slipper socks from Matalan and your mum's a snitch. She just told me that. Your dad spotted these lovely slipper socks in Matalan. We're about to do the podcast.

Please tell me all of this information. My dad's got his slipper socks from apparently we love them apparently if we had them we'd never have them off yeah which is glad

I haven't got any change of life your dad uses his dressing gown belt as a skipping rope when he goes to the ice cream van your mum's a snitch

beautiful good harvest that was excellent work good harvest yeah my arm's a snitch beautiful good harvest that was excellent work good harvest I enjoyed that yep so I'm guessing we're going to be

tuning in every Thursday hopefully we'll have we'll be alternating and having guests on Tom I'll see you again on the podcast between now and the next time Danny's back

yeah it'll be nice alright anything to plug nah Thursday's gig Thursday's gig tonight's gig if you're in the south east northumberland area same danny's back yeah it'd be nice all right live from blive anything to plug uh no there's this gig thursday's gig tonight's tonight's gig if you're in the southeast northumberland area or even the newcastle area or even driving distance from cramlin look get there we have got paul the cinema and sinner who has been remarkable yeah jesus christ his uh assessing the uh chris doby chris doby's d career so the darts player

Chris Dobie was in the audience and Paul Sinner started telling because he's a fucking fountain of knowledge Paul Sinner

he clearly done a little bit of research too he pretty much give one clever toad he give some cold hard facts about Chris Dobie's

career to the room yeah didn't he fucking remarkable how he remembered everything and Chris Dobie was just there being flirted with with facts

about himself and yeah it was a it was a champagne moment and Steve Harris has been crushing the gig he's also been partying like a

fucking legend he's amazing proud of him oh my god the guy the stories that guy has and Tommy Toos Nivs Horton here

has been the final piece in the puzzle who's been who's been fucking crushing the gigs who's been who's been fucking crushing the gigs and insulting teenagers it's been great so yeah

it's sold out when we're recording this on Wednesday it's sold out so it doesn't matter that you've missed that however today

as you listen to this as you're at work fuck if you can if you can run now to get to the Village Club in Cramlin come to that yeah

see you there bring your piles bring your hemorrhoids yeah have a look and that's us out beautiful Muggins out

Tommy Two Sniffs out