Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 50 Cuck-a-doodle Waugh

Episode Date: May 10, 2017

Cream is back with Garf to talk about Creams newfound Mugglery and sobriety (temporary, don't worry), Garf being third wheeled and other such things. Enjoy.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11

cream cream good for the heart the more you squeak the more you fart I've lost it it's always

should be Muggins this bit butchered it hello it's me cream Daniel Sloss back doing the podcast this week

with I was going to say frequent guest but you've obviously not been on it for like four months now it's Gareth

whoa yay guess who's back back again I mean Muggins I was going to say frequent guest, but you've obviously not been on it for like four months now. It's Gareth Waugh! Yay! Guess who's back. Back again. I mean, Muggins is going to kill you for that one. Garth is back. Tell your mum. This is like another reunion episode.

Obviously, me and Kai did one when we were out in Australia and we hadn't seen each other for ages. But I think I probably went longer without seeing you this time. How long has it been? It's been about three months it's been since mid-february is when i went away to uh i knew it was a long time because i remember being here in your flat and then texting you just like drunk going like god i miss you yeah you sent me a photo of you in my house and here's how much a bad friend i am i for a solid hour was like what the fuck is he you in my house and here's how much a bad friend I am. I, for a solid hour, was like, what the fuck is he doing in my house? How the fuck did he get in my house? Fully forgetting that Ellis exists and that you are friends with him. Because I was sitting

there being like, does somebody else have a house with a dinosaur in it? Like, I don't want to be paranoid here. I've got other friends that have a life-size velociraptor in their living room. How you been? Good, yeah. So since I hadn't seen Kai and then I saw him in that time, he got in shape and got married. What have you been up to? I got out of shape. And divorced.

Actually, from that night, I'm just going to come in and say it. I was cuckolded. You were cuckolded? Yeah. In this flat. Okay. So, here's what happened. I'm glad there's an explanation.

By the way, at the moment, Elliot Steele losing his mind. So, I went out with Ellis that night, and our friend, who's going to remain nameless for this story. Oh, I know who it is, though. And Ellis met the... But it rhymes with schmai schmumphries don't listen Natalie and Ellis met a girl the night before and the two of them came to his gig so I was at the stand went met Ellis at the monkey barrel and these two girls were there and we ended up coming back here and Ellis is like who can I be one of them? And then the other girls left to deal with me and the other unnamed party. So they were like, well, where are we all going to sleep?

And I went, I'll build a fort. So I built a fort downstairs. By the way, so fast, everyone was very impressed. They went, I bet it's shit, because I ran down and came up and went, fort's built. And they came down, and it was, I'm a great fort builder. Somehow, it's made out of cushions but somehow there's two levels fairy lights yeah there's a tower the moat was excessive the moat was fairly

it's got to be protected yeah kind of anybody coming in your fort what did you make it out of I don't have fort building supplies I don't... Well, you absolutely do. Clearly I do. I made it out of your dining table chairs. Yep. Duvet, pillows, a bunch of stuff I found. I'm a great fort builder. Clearly. I don't want to understate this. I'm really good at it.

I'm just disappointed that we're doing this podcast not on a fort. Yeah. So, Alison, one of the girls, goes away. And then me, Dave, and this other girl I was a rebel Dave who shall remain nameless It's fine We know loads of Daves

Dave is just a name that I plucked from random It might be better I can't believe you fucked it up. Oh, so soon, so soon into the story. I forgot. So,

me, and Steve, and the other one, are just kind of in the fort, and then we ended up, you know what, the fort's fun for five minutes. Yeah.

This is ridiculous. Yeah. So, the three of us get into your bed, right, and fall asleep. I wake up, to the sound of kissing. Which is always the best sound to wake up to, but only if you're involved.

Yeah. And I couldn't feel it on me. So I went, oh my God. I was like, the two of them are making out. So I went, oh, I'm not going to lie here while two folk are making out next to us. Yeah. I'm going to join in. So I don't want to just be like... It's like when someone else yawns you just you have

to yawn so when they start kissing you just start also making out. So I go well I don't want to just go morning lovers so I went well dude I'll just roll over so that they go oh man he's gonna be awake we should stop they didn't stop he touched me with his foot right yeah he put his foot onto my leg which you get some purchase which he later told me it wasn't for purchase he told me that was me acknowledging that you were awake

and I went what? What are you talking about? No you acknowledging me being awake should be oh let's stop this Gareth's awake.

Yeah so I keep kind of like and eventually they two of them get up and leave and go somewhere else but I was just lying there

going what the like i was cuckolded oh my god i was witness to some people kissing and the foot of acknowledgement which is not a thing i know that you're privy to this like he's just doing one of those little toe wrestle things with you being like come on join in and i. And I was, oh, very weird. Oh. I'm glad you're back. I had that briefly with Elliot Steele last year at the festival. I had a friend, I had a bunch of friends up,

and we basically, because we'd been on a massive night out, a bunch of us all ended up in bed together. So it was me, Elliot, and then two of my female mates. And nothing was happening, but I cannot stress how much these two female friends are genuinely just mates been friends for years so it's not going on and eventually uh one of the girls gets out and goes to the toilet and then starts making breakfast and then elliot and this girl start making out and i'm like my cute leave so they just start making out

i'm in the same position i've heard them making out and i just go right cool i get out of bed because i'm a good wing man and I leave and the look of disappointment on Elliot Steele's face he was just like no stay and I'm like

under no circumstance am I staying for this just I don't want to hear what his like sex noises are alright governor I don't fucking

two pounds of banana four candles he's just a chimney sweep in our books okay so you got cuckolded I'll be honest that's the fourth time that's happened to me

not that exact situation and I've never been in the bed cuck me once shame on me cuck me three times please this is a series

come on stop come on what vibe do I give off just folk trust us folks feel very comfortable I don't think that's a level of trust it's I'm like, stop, come on. What vibe do I give off? Just folk trust us. Folk feel very comfortable. I don't think that's a level of trust. It's a level of disrespect.

Totally, right? It's not acceptable. We're going to have to have a word with Larry. Sleeping on my mate's floor on holiday because I got locked out of my room. And then he started having a wank. So it's not really the thing. And I was lying and I was like I can't interrupt this now.

Yes you can! You don't go mate are you wanking? No that's exactly what you do. Okay I know that now. What are you just waiting there until you just hear a noise and then just like bird shit on the back. Oh it's good luck Gareth come on everyone knows it's good luck. I don't

want to spoil it as a good time I told them the next day that made my wank very difficult well another one I woke up in the morning that's what you should have done you should have started racing them that's if you're in the room with someone and they start masturbating just you also start masturbating and shout, race you, and that'll get them to stop. And wanking's loud. I don't think you realise. Is it? Oh, it is.

How big's your foreskin? No. Is it like one of those wind tunnel things? What's the... How is wanking loud? Like an ill-fitting V-neck. Turtleneck, really.

Do you know Tom Houghton? This is just an episode about people having sex in my bed that aren't me. Tom Houghton was having sex with a girl in my bed once because I was out and leaned over to get condoms and obviously didn't have any of his own, so he was left with mine and just had to turn to the girl and say, I'm really sorry sorry this is going to be hilarious but allow me to explain and he came back and I was just laughing my ass off at the story

I was like how bad was it and he said have you ever seen a child wear his dad's suit yeah fourth time shame on me there was a point as well where there was a glass of water next to your bed. I went, oh, look at Dan's water. It was water that I put there.

I had a little moment where I was like, you left it. I thought you were going along the lines of, there's a glass of water there, and it was like that bit in Jurassic Park. Hang on a second. But it only goes for like two waves. You're like, ah, it's done. Yeah, full on kissing in front of us. Oh man, Jesus, a lot of kissing. And you know how much I like kissing. Big fan's done. Yeah, full on kissing in front of us. Oh, man.

Jesus, a lot of kissing going on. And you know how much I like kissing. Big fan of kissing. Well, not as much as, obviously, Kissy Tulips. Stanley, who... Oh, Angry Tulips. Angry Tulips recently. I don't know what's...

Because I'm not in a sort of bad mood, but basically, a lot of my muggle corners this week are... I've gone full muggle now that I'm back. I'm back home. I got back on a the first thing you told me about was your spring cleaning plan oh well and by the way it does look good it does it looks i'll show you the kitchen in a bit like i have honestly it's today like this living room and again i'm aware of how muggly i sound but i'm basically i'm going until ibiza

which we'll get onto in a second i'm going full sorry just because for the past six months I've been having the time of my life, I've got a little bit of a belly, I've lost a lot of my muscle, I'm just not in a shape that I'd like to be in and I just want to be sober for a bit and write my friend's show and whatnot. But obviously being sober is something that I'm not used to, especially not in the last eight months. I worked out, the longest I'd gone without booze or weed or other drugs, it was about two days was the maximum I'd done since, since like, oh, since, oh Jesus, since the French last year.

So almost a year of, yeah, of a lot of fun, but you know, bad me. So now that I'm sober, like I woke up this morning at 8 because I went to bed last night at 10 also I woke up at 6 and I was like I'm not going to be that guy I literally

I woke up naturally at 6 I was like nah nah nah nah I'm not that guy just I just thought

I'd make everyone eggs not into it so cleaned the full living room under everything like I moved the couches swept under and here's my disappointment

you've been to a lot of parties in this house, especially in this living room, right? There's been a lot of chaos, but there's been a lot of, you know, drinking and drugs and, like, nitrous oxide gas. I'm expecting when I pull up this couch to be put in a moral quandary, right? Because I reckon I'm going to find, like,

at least a bag of weed, like a couple of nitrous oxide canisters. God knows what. Like, just a full keg. Just a bunch of weed like a couple of nitrous oxide canisters uh god knows that what like a just a full keg just a bunch of stuff just bugs just bugs i've looked under your couch before when i've like dropped stuff and it is oh it's it's uh it's the set of mad max under there yeah yeah just but for ants yeah but now oh man you could eat off of it I still wouldn't just in case because I reckon some of the semen's like

literally glossed into the floor the kitchen today moved out the freezer washed behind it took out the oven washed the back of it all the drawers

oh mate I mean I've not cleaned the oven yet because that's another two hour job but basically this week I'm just fully

cleaning the house from head to toe and then next this is just me procrastinating in a way because I know once I'm done I'll have to write my new show because I just finished I recorded so uh at the Enmore Theatre in Sydney thank you to everyone who came to that show recorded for a special so that's definitely the end of that show now only the next one is the one at the fringe and I've got to write that so I'm just doing I think I'm like well I can't I can't write jokes in an unclean house.

Like, what sort of monster would I be? I'm having a flashback. I remember standing on the corner of this couch and up the top there saying, oh, there's a dead mouse up here. And Ellis went, is there? And I went, no. No, in what world would it have gotten up

to a very high shelf? Like that old dude who tried to climb Everest. Wait, what? Yeah, some old, I think he was like, I don't know, terrible story. He was about 982 or something and he wanted to climb Everest and he died at the base camp. Why did I laugh

in that little bit? My voice went, he died at the base camp. I couldn't, oh God, that's a big puppy. I mean, that's sad for for him but he also did much more in Everest than we ever will like

as much as we could be like he died at base camp we're like you know base camp of Everest isn't it's not the base it's nowhere near the base I'm trying to think of a dick joke

but I can't really work it out I was thinking dick joke there I was like nowhere near the base yeah like if you got a dick why would you pretend the base was lower? Yeah, it's something like that.

Anyway. This is also why I'm not writing my show at the moment, because clearly I'm not in the zone. So I'm also getting back to sort of being, like, healthy and cooking, and my car's away being fixed, so I couldn't go to the gym, because that would require walking there. And, you know, I'll exercise, but only at the gym yeah I could there's people out there it's honestly that's my logic I could just run to the gym that could be my cardio I'd get to the gym

you can't turn up to the gym sweaty because folk will be like what you don't need to come in here you might die. Oh, but it's been worse because I've just been out in my back garden just doing, like, oh, just shitty, like, high intensity, just sweating and panning like a chubby wee cunt when my neighbours come out. I'm like, how's holiday? And I'm like, I'm punishing myself. Could you not talk to me?

Because I've also, in a couple of weeks, we've got to, well, we don't have to but we are we're going to FIFA oh my god we need to be hench for the babes oh mate need to get in some

sick shape get some sick abs I keep saying that to people and they just laugh I'm going to get ripped for the chicks and they're like

what I said that to my girlfriend and she was like alright then like it's when your girlfriend laughs in your face doing full well that like cheating is not something that you're capable of doing yeah laura must sleep so soundly at night i don't know i think she's got other concerns like you dying uh don't know

about dying i'm trying to think of what these those concerns i don't know just like the other day when you were two days ago and you were like what are you doing tonight and I think she was genuinely worried that I was going to go can you come another night I'm going to go see Dan

yeah I can't Laura's coming around tonight and so do you need to be there do you need to be there can't she just be in your house you're just going to watch

Netflix together I guess you could you can FaceTime her while you're over here playing Rocket League oh yeah in fact she'd probably get more attention from me

yeah so we're going to be you, me and eight other men are just because originally these lads holidays and it was originally

lads in quotation marks it was me Kai Milo McCabe and Tom Houghton just went to Benidorm because Milo's dad was a flyer there

and we're just like oh my god Benidorm is so scummy it'll be so funny if we just go there for like three days and get paid and it was amazing right it was real real good oh and Andrew Stanley was there as well and then the year after that like more people joined in and it was still like oh this is silly like this is all look at us and then we all went to Amsterdam and we did the same thing we're like now we're gonna beat that and I'll be I think we're losing the irony

like I'm really it's a dumbass lads holiday like it's just going to be filled with toxic masculinity of us calling each other names and trying to outdo each other

and Ryan Cullen dying and ending up face down in a pool he's going to die I've been explaining it to people like this it's a fake stag do

that you guys go on every year yeah once a year we's a fake stag do that you guys go on. Yeah. Once a year we do a fake stag do and this year, or sometimes we do it twice. But yeah, like I'm, I've never been to Ibiza because I'm not a party person in that way. Like I hate the idea of like raves.

Like you have to be like, I've heard there's like 20 quid a pint or a drink for a Smirnoff ice in a club, whatever. But I do like the beach and I do like getting fucked up with my mates around the pool. Yeah. quite a pint or a drink for a smirnoff ice in a club whatever but I do like the beach and I do like getting fucked up with my mates around the pool

so I'm willing to have a couple nights because for me what a night out is I'll just let my mates get all fucking rat arsed and then we can go back

and have that's their party my party is when we all get back home and we just say horrible things to each other all night that's great

yeah because I'm the same I'm not really into like clubs and all that and when i told laura about it she was like why the fuck are you going to ibiza you'd hate that shit and i was like yeah but it's with the boys yeah but that's the thing it is with like it's i'm definitely doing the water park oh i'm absolutely there's not a chance i'm not doing it um and yeah i'll just do it because like i've always said this is something I'll hate, but I'm going to be like, well, let's find out. Because I reckon I'll enjoy it while hating parts of it.

I mean, even if you... I beef it's one of those things you can say you've done it. Well, Kai and Natalie are planning to get married and beef it as well. God, that's white trash. I know. Well, half white trash. Right, shall we get on to Mugly Corner? Aye.

Do you want to go first? Okay, yeah. Muggles like Simon Sinek. Who? Simon Sinek. So you, probably most people won't know this dude's name, but he is the guy on facebook that everyone's sharing and he's the one that goes on about millennials and like how hard millennials are

to manage and stuff okay right he he got famous for doing a ted talk about how businesses operate so you've got to think of the how the why and and everyone said oh he's a genius i fucking hate him of net what's his name? Simon? Simon Sinek, right? Wait, I didn't watch the video. Is this the guy that was trying to talk about millennials believe everything should be handed to them? Yes, yes.

Oh, like that paper-thin argument of like, look, I do agree there's a sense of entitlement, but that's also because that was the sense of entitlement. Well, you got it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I hate it so fucking... It's like, the worst generation they expected.

Like, fuck off, mate. Your generation could buy a house for 200 quid. Yeah. Like, what are you talking about? We're getting everything handed to us.

We're all in debt. Oh, there's a... For some reason, there's a generation above us that seem to forget that they weren't part of the generation before. Like, Piers Morgan recently

on Twitter, you know, being like, oh, you know, this day people, you know, there's men with depression just man up and deal with it. Like, I can't imagine these people going to war. You weren't in the war. You were not in World War II. You were the shitty generation. Like, I honestly believe, and this is not, obviously not all of them. I think it's bullshit to blame an entire generation, but my parents' generation, right? I think

they're the shit generation just because, like, they were told to respect their elders because their elders were in World War II. They were ace elders. Like, they were,

yeah, even if one of them was a cunt, you had to respect the fact that they lived through a war that killed millions and millions of people.

Loads. Respect. And then they come in with all these jobs they're creating. And again, I know nothing about the economy

so there's probably people of that generation being like, you're full of shit and i probably am but nonetheless you did it's my opinion fuck it that just uh think of everything was so easy and again there is a we are a whiny generation i will absolutely admit that like that's what this whole podcast is is us whining about the other versions of us that whine yeah but yeah that whole they just idle it, and I hate them.

I'm like, and this, somebody pointed out how ironic this argument was. I went, if he was so fucking good, why is he not doing all this business shit

that he's talking about? He just talks about it. And somebody went, don't you talk for a living? And you're like, yeah, aye, but I don't... I don't tell how people...

Alright, fair enough. It's real shit, yeah. There's so many things I say on stage as a comedian, I'm just like, I mean, I'm full of shit. I'm like, can you imagine just going and just listening to someone talk and I'm like, oh, that's what they're all doing and it's on your fan base. I'm just telling people not to be influenced by

things and then spending the rest of the hour trying to influence all their opinions. But it's that whole, like, remember that thing I showed you before? It was like, 1945, 18-year-old stormed the beach in Normandy. And it's like, 18-year-olds, 2017, need a safe place because words hurt. I'm like, fuck off. Is it better?

Was the war better? Is that what you want? This facet, yeah. It's like, imagine having nostalgia. Better when people didn't make their 20s. Yeah, yeah. Imagine having nostalgia from when the didn't make their 20s Imagine having nostalgia From when the holocaust was That's what this generation

Back in the good old days When kids would die And you'd just These people would just go into a village And then just rape everyone there Because that's what you did But at least everyone wasn't on their phone Yeah they just sat.

You never saw the D-Day landings. That bit's not safe at Private Ride. Just checking into Normandy. A selfie on the beach. Fuck. The dog filter from Instagram. Not Instagram. That's how they find snipers in trees.

They can't see the snipers, so they just hold up Snapchat and in the trees, and then the dog filter will come up, and they'll be like, there he is, I got him! Call him, his phone's always on loud. He's such a weirdo. You've just got his number, and you just do find my iPhone.

There. Yeah, I do. Like, there's so much that you can't about i'm so part of my being sober is like learning a lot more stuff so for so long you don't say don't say part part maybe like that's you're you sound like a fucking vegan oh no i am no no i'm there's just me for the next couple weeks i'm full muggle i'm the right hey well i can't i won't i was gonna say something but it's literally my next muggle corner so bring it in then but it is a very Mugly thing I did today I forgot my part

we were talking about World War oh it's gone you said part of Mr. Bright is learning stuff oh yeah so you know when you talk to Americans there's always been that thing like if it wasn't for us you'd be speaking German and for a while I was like

I really thought I was like oh the Americans yeah they probably did say you know Americans didn't win World War II for us it was the Russians yeah yeah I had no idea like I was just like I just believed all saving private Ryan and every American that was like we saved your ass he always had a bit of being like no Britain we fought for a while we would have held them off watch a documentary the other day god we were cunts to the Russians like the Germany invaded all of Russia

and just kept pushing, pushing back. And they're like, can you join in yet? Can you join in yet? And we were like, hold on, we're building the boats. Hold on, we just, we've got to get some. But they're destroying all of our tanks. Yeah, but we're building some tanks. Can you send us some of those?

Churchill's not finished his speech yet. Yeah, oh. For three years we promised him we'd come in, did fucking nothing. And then they fucking fucking then it just got to leningrad and or stalingrad and then just rolled through them all the way through and then that's when we joined in we're like yeah d-day we're helping do you reckon that's why the russians are hard as fuck because the only ones left were the really hard ones you know what fuck. Let's end this war. Worse than that. The Russians apparently were just

the ones that were just like... What was his name? I read this the other day. Lenin. Oh, whatever the Russian guy was. It was just like when they were in Stalingrad, he was like, anyone who retreats is shot dead. That's the new rule because we've retreated all of Russia. There's no more retreating. We're not losing this place.

70,000 Russians were killed for retreating. We're not losing this place. So like 70,000 Russians were killed for retreating. 100,000 put in camps. But then it worked. Germans were just like we can't take it. There's one man in a building and he won't surrender. He's just facing it. He's camping. He's literally camping.

I can't see but I'm through my scope. He's teabagging people in these buildings. Yeah. I just feel like it's a shame they're a bit awful the Russians oh they are now but like imagine they were just sound everyone would be like Russia's getting it

they're all fucking nailed and like gays but they weren't given their attitudes toward religion and homosexuals and whatnot and women in general it's fucking horrific but for the past 60 years most of the world has thought america won world war ii and they're like we lost most of our population like we they stole everything we and we fought them back for you and then we come in and we're like hey we helped like it's

it's the equivalent of like they've just 90th minute they've fired in a fucking screamer from 35 yards out and it's hit the crossbar bounced off the line

and then we've just headed it in and it's been and we make front page and it's like no you just tapped it in anyway what was his name

Simon Sinek Simon Sinek. Simon Sinek. I don't know him because I know half of that video. Yeah, I just find it muggly and just a bit ignorant to blame things on generations. I'm aware that I belong to a certain generation, but I also probably hate half my generation. Yeah, totally. I hate half my parents' generation. I hate most of my grandparents

millennial is infuriating the millennials and fuck off you can't it's just like the look with the baby boomers oh yeah congratulations your entire thing is named after a time that your parents were just fucking going at it because the war was over yeah you were just you were a thank god i'm not dead fuck. At least a millennial generation. I'm a child of oh I think it's time for us to have a kid. If you were a baby boomer you were just like your mum

was so grateful to see your dad's fucking trench foot dick. She couldn't fucking just gnaw shit on down and she's right up her you fucking muggles here's what I did today

after my workout muggles meditate but let me tell you the full degree I took this muggle routine I think meditation there's half of me I agree with half of it you're not connecting to the earth you're not connecting to your chi there's half of me i agree with half of it like there is you're not connecting to

the earth you're not connecting to your chi there's none of that fucking shit but sitting down and taking 10-15 minutes to yourself to just breathe and relax and just try and clear your head is a very good thing to do i think it's good for your mental health yeah in in some ways i wish i did more of it here's when I took it too far. I went outside to my back garden where while I've been away, I've had a gardener come in and just set up this, she was just doing a bit of gardening

but she's clearly just taking it on her own and she made this really lovely bit of my garden and it's got bits of log and a couple of flowers there and I just sat there and then I got some incense and I just burned it. Knew the incense was coming in.

Like a muggle. You burnt incense outside? Yeah, just from my cheek. Honestly. And this is fully visible in front of my neighbour. This is the same neighbour who less than five months ago had to shout out the window because while absolutely hammered me and Ellis and I think you were screaming a game of heads up at each other after a long long night I was I know you yeah like he's seen me like outside at 9 in the morning still up in the night before smoking joints stinking steaming drunk and I've gone away for four months and I come back and the first time he sees me, I'm working out and then meditating. He's like, where did he go? What happened?

I think it's worse that you were outside. I could have done it indoors. You were muggle peacocking. Oh, totally was. No, because it's in my little bit of my back. I wasn't in the front. It's a real, it is. I will, I am, this is me throwing myself in muggle.

You are the laptop in Starbucks. No, I'm the typewriter in Starbucks. like it's a real it is I will I am this is me throwing myself in Muggle Corner you are the laptop in Starbucks no I'm the typewriter in Starbucks oh god he's working on this I'm in the corner

I've meditated before I used to just fall asleep no no like again this is the stipulation I want to put on it which is meditating is not but meditating the way I did as Mugly

I picture you topless and in cycling shorts. Yes! Of course. I just did my workout. So I took my shirt off. I was in my shorts. Fair feet, obviously. Oh, man.

No, you've got dreadlocks. Yeah. You should have noticed that before. Oh, God. What a muggle. So yeah, I'm absolutely in accord. So that's the simulation. If you meditate in the way I do, where you believe it connects you to the world, you're a muggle because that's stupidity

and that's you just... You're doing that so you can say it out loud and how do I know that? Because that's also why I did it, so I can bring it up in muggle corners today. So I'm one of yous. Take it on the chin. But if you meditate just because you think it's good for you,

go ahead. I would argue you're not. It's because you think it's good for you go ahead i would i would argue you're not it's not bad it's good but if you're like me let's go meditate in the corner together guys we can make five minutes in 30 seconds all right muggles complain about having to pay 5p for a bag oh god yeah Folk lose their minds. Am I going to have to pay for that? Yeah. It's the law.

It's literally the law. And it's to help the environment, you asshole. It's 5p. You've just spent 400. Yeah, but I've just spent all this money. Why should I have to pay for a bag? Because you bought all this shit. It's 5p.

You've got... Well, you've got to carry it. Yeah. Or you're going to go, Oh, fuck, I forgot. You've got... Well, you've got to carry it. Like, it's... Yeah. Or you're going to go, oh, fuck, I forgot. I've got to put stuff back. Just choosing your leaf's favourite flavour of cuppa

so being like, I'm going to have to get rid of these. I'm going to have to carry the rest of these fucking home. I'm not... I've got one of these but I'm not paying 5p for a bag. I once did it

and then I was corrected immediately by Kai. Like, the day it came in, went down to the shops and put all the stuff through and she was like, how many bags do you want and I'm like as much as it needs

to carry the stuff like no more no less and she was like but it's 5p each and I was like oh god that's a bit shitty

and Kai just I went oh I went oh fuck I forgot my carrier bags from the car and he was like yeah but you remembered

your 25 pence so I was like that is a valid point sir yeah yeah yeah just pay for it. Yeah, because there's nothing, it's just,

you get annoyed at yourself for forgetting to bring your own bags down. But it's good. It's one of those shit things the government brought in. Let's just be thankful the government did something

arguably decent. I know. It's a good thing. Because if, I'll show you this afterwards. Over there, I'm one of those cunts, I'll take the bags,

I'll save these, right? A thousand plastic bags are over there. Yeah. I'm going to go recycle them and'll take the bags I'll save these right a thousand plastic bags are over there I'm gonna go recycle them give them to my agent because she uses them

during August to smother people that don't come to my show she's good she has a strangle wank yeah yeah

so I am reusing them but like I was pulling them out and I was just like oh god I'm the worst thing that happened to this but my mum

very high up in her job for environmental... There's a bit of currency soon. Oh yeah, God, yeah. Nuclear war, you want a bag? How many bags do you want? I've got loads. This one's got a whole... I've got so many bags for life there.

So many bags for life. And I've used them all once. I never remember them to bring them back. I don't mind paying for it. My sister was telling me she studied marine marine biology at uni and i remember her once telling me that um number one thing that kills sea i'm laughing again it's not funny the number one thing that kills sea turtles is they they see a bag and they think it's a jellyfish and they try and eat it.

But the main way the plastic bags get in the ocean are people walking their dogs on the beach and picking up a shit and then just chucking it in. Which means that sea turtle is going, oh, there's a wee jellyfish. Oh, it's a brown one. Oh, it tastes like shite. These jellyfish are minging. Donatello, have you tried these? So you're telling me it's a turtle eating a turtle's head that's poking out. Cannibalism.

You were too focused on getting that. I was. You missed me saying Donatello, which I thought was very good. Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. These ones with the Asda tattoo are minging. Don't eat these ones. Yeah, that's how turtles die. i i totally agree with this just complained like oh god it's government trying to fuck it's not it's one of the few times the governor are trying to fuck it

you're trying to save the turtles it's five pence you muggle cunt um here's one that is fucking me off to the moon and back. That fucking FaceApp. You don't like it? No! Like, just, I think the FaceApp thing is fine, like, in the sense that,

like, Snapchat face filters, let me explain first. The FaceApp thing is like when me as a boy, me as a girl, me as a baby, me as an old person. Like the Snapchat filters.

Very funny if it's just you and your friends, right? If I'm with my mates, I'll do Snapchat filters like an absolute fucking muddle. But I'm never posting those cunts online. I am never. It's stupid when you're there.

All my mum does to me on Snapchat, if I don't text her back in two hours, my mum just sends me her saying, phone me with every different Snapchat filter on. And it's very funny. But that's just to us. But this FaceApp thing, and first of all, it's not funny. I don't care what anyone fucking says and it's very funny but that's just to us but this FaceApp thing and it's first of all

it's not funny I don't care what anyone fucking says it's not funny but to just post it on Facebook being like well seen as

everyone else is doing it alright Nazi like yeah I don't like that if everyone else I don't think I've put them on Facebook actually no if you're doing it

in the WhatsApp group it's fine again yeah because we had a good laugh for that if you're doing it in the WhatsApp group, it's fine. Yeah, because we had a good laugh at that. If you do it in the WhatsApp group, it's absolutely fine. But just the people on Facebook, they'll just be like, here's mine.

I don't give a shit. I don't care what your face looks like normally. I ignore when you post a selfie. The only one I want to see of you is if they can make it so old that you look dead so I can enjoy it and fantasize a world

where you're not on Facebook. You fucking muggle cunt. There is a walking dead one. You can look dead so I can enjoy it and fantasise a world where you're not on Facebook. You fucking muggle cunt. There is a Walking Dead one where you can look dead. I just thought I did put one on Facebook. It was me with a smile when I made the Mark Nelson movie poster.

But that's insulting someone. But again, as Kai said in last week's episode, even the ironic versions of them, you're still, even if you're being ironic about a fad you are still part of the fad

I think I'm going to have to go in the corner for that but I agree with your sentiment it's like a bit overkill just now

that old filter on me is brutal it's so bad it seems to be alright for everybody else but like Nelson looked like Harrison Ford on me I just look like a ginger ball but that's the other thing is seems to be all right for everybody else. But, like, Nelson looked like Harrison Ford.

On me, I just look like a ginger ball bag. But that's the other thing is people are like, this is what I'll look like when I'm older. No, you won't. Like, they can't. No. No. They've got no idea how much blow you're going to do

in the next couple of years. Yeah. It would be really horrible if, while doing the face-up one of the older one, like, you take a selfie and it's like, here's you in 50 years and there's just no photo. And you're like,

oh! I did the, I did it with my mum and I did the old filter and it didn't change anything. That is fucking brutal. It changed nothing. And she went, it's not working. And I went, yeah, it's not working. It must be broken. I did the same thing with my ex-girlfriend

and the dog filter up on Snapchat. Yeah, that's my one. I like it. And I'm going to go stand in the corner. Okay, my next one. Quite specific age demographic I'm going to attack here. Muggles wear their high school lever jumpers everywhere.

Oh, like when they were in high school. So you know, like it's a hoodie that you get. Yeah, no, I had one and I was devastated because I think I'm in the corner because that's all I wore to school the second they came out. Oh yeah? Yeah, I'm that muggle. I don't even mean just the school. I'll see, like,

I see young people out there the youth on the streets where I live and work and raise my family and they've got the same hoodie oh seven levers and it's all the names inside

it's so muggly but I think you're at such an age where you're unaware like all teenagers are muggly yeah but I think that's you're at such an age where you're unaware like all teenagers are muggles yeah like because none of them

are people yet no and I remember being that age and being sick of people my age being like no we are people

but now being this age I'm like you're not you're not a real person you've not gone through shit yet I never got one of those hoodies at high school

because you never left I used to here's how weird I was in high school, not weird but like this is such a sad muggly story one day I was sat in class and my mate who just didn't give

I gave a fuck about school in a sense I wanted to get decent grades but I want to make people laugh and and just dick around i enjoyed my time at school um but just one day i went to school we had blazers you had to wear blazers in the tie and uh one day one of my mates walked in wearing a black shirt and i was like you can you can wait because i was like is, you can just wear a black shirt. And then I took it a thousand steps too far. Like, I bought checked shirts. I bought really lame fucking striped ones, pinstripe ones from Next.

And that's what I'd wear. Like, still with the style. Blazer. Doesn't suit. It's not a suit jacket. It's a blazer. But I had so many different, and I thought that made that made me like cool and stand out and stuff wear whatever shirt

I want oh just and the teachers would be like this one's got a pen protector in the pocket the teachers would be like you're not allowed to wear that shirt and I'm like

and I was like and here's what I was like I've actually read the rules and it just says sharp doesn't say plain white shirt just says sharp buttoned up yeah

and yeah that was my thing we used to get to wear any tie we wanted and that was our expression any tie you didn't to wear any tie we wanted and that was our expression. Any tie? Did you not have a school tie?

We did eventually get a school tie, yeah. Well, I think we always had it, but in fifth year, they were like, you can wear whatever tie you want. So folk would wear any tie. Did you ever see, just randomly,

you go to a different part of the country and then see some kids coming out of school and they'd have the same tie as your school tie? You's gonna be like you fucking thieves yeah because the way tie was not creative in any way it's just diagonal red and black stripes oh yeah like if dennis the man has had a stroke so ours was navy blue and then the logo or the school logo on it and that was it so and one like just one single yellow line going across it oh just for yeah i think there needs to be ties are quite muggly aren't they ties are quite muggly like especially skinny ties i've gone through that phase where i wore skinny ties sounds a bit racist

i was just especially those skinny me they're just being like, skinny? How is skinny racist? Oh, the other word. The other word that can be misinterpreted, you stupid muggle cunt. Yeah, I think it's a bit cruel to throw teenagers under a bus. Not all of them. Yeah, because it's not all of them, is it? It's normally like a 17-year-old girl. That's who I'm attacking here.

Good, good. You just see them in shopping centres. They've had it too easy, those 17-year-old girl. That's who I'm attacking here. Good, good. You just see them in shopping centres. They've had it too easy, those 17-year-old girls. White girls. But I see them in shopping centres with their levers to the on. I'm like, you know,

you're not going to give a shit about any of those people that I wrote on your hoodie in about five years. That's always a horrible realization. Because all you're going to give a shit about is dick. True. True.

Yeah. I mean, I've kept, how many friends from high school do you reckon you've kept in touch with and are good friends

with? Because I'm probably about 10. Yeah, it won't be, it won't be about 10. I haven't seen a lot. I sometimes,

I normally play football every Thursday with about nine other of them. But yeah, some of the other ones, I don't see enough. I think Kai's number is everyone from his fucking school because nobody from Blythe moves. No, you can see them all. Which is a slam on Blythe, and I'm very aware that this has many, many Punch Drunk listeners

but you can all fucking abuse me next time I come to any of your gigs you fucking muggle cunts. I did Punch Drunk while you were away. Did you? Yeah. Which one did you do?

I did Kremlin. Who was on? Matty Reid hosting. Yeah. Steve Gribben opening and Jojo Sutherland closing. Oh great. Was it a good one?

It was great and they were so upset. Gav kept going like oh man it's not so many tickets and I'm like we're Thursday in Cramerton and there's like

60-70 people here yeah this is great yeah the support at Punch Drunk I mean if we've got any North East listeners who have heard

about this podcast and somehow haven't gone to a Punch Drunk gig what the fuck are you doing absolutely get down there oh man because I'd heard all the stories heard all you guys talking about and then when kai asked me just

somebody must have dropped out on thursday when you do it i went absolutely it's it's it was just incredible it's a different entity it's a beast with itself i was talking to um i was out in new zealand with zoe lyons right now uh zo Zoe Lyons is a phenomenal comedian. Like, she is outstanding. And they booked her to do Punch Drunk, and she came up, did the Punch Drunk gigs. I was like, how was it? She was like, well, and I'm like, I'm going to guess what you're going to say.

You feel bad for judging them the second you got there. She was like, exactly that. Like, you walk into these working men, because the gig shouldn't work. No. In the sense that it's a working man's club, it's a bowling club, it's whatever. And then it's just all these locals who it's a bowling club it's whatever and then

it's just all these locals who come to every fucking gig from this you know quite working class thing now uh for some people that's amazing like if you're a working class comic uh you'll fucking rip there but for someone like zoe lyons who is uh you know middle class lesbian comedian yeah yeah like and the fear that she must have because even when I go down I feel like oh god sometimes I feel like I'm a bit just smug like I just

I must be I must be the people they hate and then you walk on stage there they couldn't give a shit they'd lose

their fucking minds oh it's so good so yeah there's a Muggle Corner exemption this week if you've done

any of the Muggly things but you've been to a Punch Drunk gig congratulations you get to stay exemption this week. If you've done any of the Muggly things, but you've been to a Punch Drunk gig, congratulations. You get to stay out this week. So what was your...

I stole Leaver City's. So was that your last one? Yeah. So I've got my last one here. Now, Muggles order cocktails. Now, there's several reasons for this. And again, I'm in the corner straight away. I love a cocktail.

Like, see the porno? What do you think it's called? The porno. This is the one you made me get before. Was it Bramble? Oh, Bramble. Bramble. Brambles are great.

Especially down at Bramble. The bar is amazing. Like, if you go to Panda and Sons in Edinburgh, it's a phenomenal cocktail bar. Like, if you're in a cocktail bar, you are allowed to order a cocktail. Like, That's absolutely fine.

That's fully acceptable. If you were in a busy pub, like if it's a night club, and you're like, can we get four espresso martinis? No! No, you can't. Those take 20 minutes to make. They take so long, and I feel so sorry, because it's not the bartender's fault. People start giving shit to the bartender and be like, can you hurry up?

It's like, these four cunts just ordered four separate cocktails. They take minimum two minutes each to make. No. And it's... And I'm going to pour it out if I don't get the coffee bean in the right place

in the foam. Oh, God. Yeah. Like, on a night out or in a pub, like, if you're in a pub,

just embrace the pub. Yeah. Right? It's a pub. It's a place for pints, for shit wine, and gin and tonics, whatever other shit.

Stop. Some of us on the public, stop making cocktails. Drink to your environment. Yeah. Stop trying to drag up this fucking place with you. Just be like, I'm just going to go down to the pub with the girls. Sorry, I'll do that in a very sexist direction. I'll change this immediately.

I'm just going to go to the thing with the lads. I'm just going to get a couple of pornos, which I do like. Are they called pornos? Porn stars? Giz shots? It's the one where it's like a cocktail, but they give you a little passion fruit thing

that's got champagne in it. Oh, it's real good. Yeah. Because I'm a massive, I love a cocktail because they get you shit-faced drunk. So smash drunk. And they're delicious.

Yeah. But I will... What it is, it's the start of the night thing. You start off with cocktails and then you move into other stuff once time becomes of the essence and you...

You've got to get drunk fast. Yeah, you've got to get shit-faced. And the time it takes to make that cocktail is not okay. No, it's... Yeah. Drink to your environment.

If you're in a pub, you drink pints. If you're at a festival, drink warm cans. If you're at a One Direction concert, drink bleach. Those are the things. But yeah, it's, yeah. Muggles order cocktails on nights out. It's just, it's a whole new level of selfish that I'm just like...

I guarantee the people ordering cocktails in the nightclub have taken a photo before they drink it. Oh, every single one from above. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, bastards. Right, let's go through them uh so i think so they're all six are in this week yeah um so before we go into this as always if you're guilty of any of these you have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds unless you've been to a punch drunk gig in which case you get out uh just

because those gigs are sweet uh muggles meditate'm going to go meditate in the corner come find your chi with me in the corner that fucking face app thing just do one and see if you're not a muggle in one of them do the non muggle one do you know what the non muggle version of the face app thing is it's not fucking doing it muggles order cocktails on a like

the stipulation there is if it's a cocktail bar absolutely fine if after 9pm yeah you are ruining people's nights other people want a good night out too

and you're stopping them from doing it with your selfishness you muggle fuck go shake in the corner my three were muggles like Simon Sinek

yep muggles complain about 5p bags and muggles wear their school lever hoodie fucking everywhere you fucking muggles right we school leaver hoodie fucking everywhere.

You fucking muggles. Right, we'll move on to dad jokes but this battery's about to run out so I'm going to save this and also go for a

shit. Alright, we are back to go on to your dad jokes. I will start because I've got some fucking belters.

Gareth, your dad's got an ass that won't quit but it probably should. I'd step down from its position Your dad spent three hours on a what's your rap name generator on the internet until he got one he liked Lil Kucky

Your dad bites his toenails and uses the clippings to pierce his ears. Oh, grim. Your dad's German, so he doesn't refer to it as the Great War, but as the Second Worst War. Your dad makes his ham and cheese sandwiches With tortillas

Oh What a cunt I know And by the way It doesn't It's just one slice of ham And one slice of cheese So it's largely breads

Like a massive lunchable Your dad wears horseshoes Your dad uses Rogaine on his balls What's Rogaine? It's to make your hair grow Your dad refuses To go in the monkey bars At the park

If he's had a shave Your dad is in a Vegan death metal band Called the Mental Lentils Your dad's mates Put one of those Joke ice cubes with a fly in it in his bellies and he thought it was real and tried to eat it. Your dad smugly tells people at parties that he actually can believe it's not butter. Your dad eats hot dogs the way normal people eat corn on the cob.

Your dad's a fool kit wanker at the golf. He turns up, he's got the clubs, he's got the shoes, your mum's the caddy. Your dad does a pelvic thrust every time somebody says the phrase battle of the sexes. Your dad started a feminist movement

to rename them armpit queefs your dad only has one thing on his bucket list and it's be happy oh no

your dad's back knee is so bad that when blind people hug him they get to read the entire works of Shakespeare. Your dad has a feather earring on his belly button. Your dad thinks seagulls are just posh pigeons. Your dad went on Britain's Got Talent but he didn't have a talent, just a sad story. Still got through to the semis.

Two more. Your dad bought a micro pig to match his micro penis so that it would be to scale and was very annoyed when he purchased a microwave. What do you think of a tiny wave? He's done this with a did when I was saying goodbye? I've got my ten. Your dad vajazzles his arsehole.

Oh. Your dad's not allowed to carve out pumpkins on Halloween anymore because he finds them too sexy. Your dad asked how many episodes were in one season of 24. Your dad boils eggs in his arsehole. Your dad did an upper decker in his goldfish bowl. Good fun.

Right. That is done. So upcoming gigs. The only one I really have is we have is next Tuesday. What date is it? 16th of May. Tuesday the 16th of May.

Myself, Gareth Waugh and Mark Nelson will be doing work in progress at Summer Hall in Edinburgh. If you've not been to it before, it's basically us just doing new material. It's only three fucking quid plus a 50-week booking fee. It always sells out, so do book online at summerhall.co.uk. Come along. It's a real fun night. I've got loads of stuff to try. Mark's always great.

You got some stuff you need to run through? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I've got definitely two new stories. Good. I think there's probably other stuff because it's been so long since we've done one. Yeah, it's been ages. So, yeah, that'll be a real good one. It's only three quid, so it's at Summer long since we've done one yeah it's been ages so yeah

that'll be a real good one it's only three quid so it's at Summerhall do come along and see that you got any other ones you want to plug when's this going tomorrow

Thursday tomorrow night I'm doing a fringe preview Thursday yep the 11th of May at Monkey Barrel it's free

oh nice so if you're in Edinburgh it's meant to be me and Lauren Patterson but she's had to pull out because she's got a telly thing what a bitch

yeah alright cool apart from that thank you for listening to the podcast I think it'll be me and Gareth

again next week because Kai's off to Dubai unless he records one this week fucking prick apart from that thank you for

listening thank you Gareth bye bye