Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 51 Cream and G-Tip

Episode Date: May 18, 2017

Cream (Sloss) is back with G-Tip (Waugh) to discuss Gareths early rap career. I'm not kidding. I honestly can't rememeber anything else that happened in the podcast.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or a majestute cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Sweet creams are made of these. Who am I to disagree?

I should just leave that up to Muggins. I never do them well. That was pure terrible. Well, we can't edit it now because we're 14 seconds in and I've committed to it now. You make me edit. I do make you edit. We're back with the podcast.

It's Sloss and Humphries on the road. Obviously, mine is Humphries, who is off out in fucking Dubai or something, getting sunburned and being a ball back. So I have Gareth Wall back on the podcast. Hi. How are you?

I'm all right. I get sunburned here. Yeah. I'm peeling just now. I'm like a snake. Snakes get sunburned? Yeah? I'm peeling just now. I'm like a snake. Snakes get sunburned? Oh, peeling. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say.

They don't call it peeling. They call it shedding. Shedding, yeah. I only... I mean, they absolutely don't call it shedding. Yeah, no, they don't, yeah. I'm shedding again. You never get someone who owns a snake who's like, is it worth getting a snake? Oh, you know, they're quiet. They're kind of docile. They're kind of cool.

But, oh God, they shed. The carpet shed the carpet they never go they never shop about it the carpet just looks like an orgy a very safe orgy was in here because it's just empty condom do you reckon they used to use snake skins as condoms back in the day because they use some weird stuff they use like animal things and it like is it orange peel orange peel yeah they used that before how like like i mean first of all quite hard to peel an orange anyway but you've got to get like a proper half and they just pop that on but what does it not stay in there and then you've just got a zesty fanny but then you pull it out it's like it was like uh what's the female equivalent i should oh a diaphragm a diaphragm used an orange oh so the lady would put the half an orange peel up her foof yeah and then you just

and it would catch you just make some very pulpy orange juice the pulpiest the very pulpy jesus gives it a new term uh orange smoothie beating Beating to a pulp. It tastes like fish. Oh god. Well welcome to the podcast. We did a gig last night, Work in Progress. Aye. Thanks to everyone who came down to that in Edinburgh, that was good. My first bit went down real well, dead proud of that one. My second bit needs work. It was essentially just me talking about sending dick pics. Yeah. But without any punchlines. Well, my mum and dad ruined the audience.

Yeah, yeah. I reckon he sent a dick pic. Who, me? No, my dad. Oh, right. Yeah. Big man. Oh, yeah.

He was a Polaroid. To shake it first. You shouldn't shake Polaroids. I know. Blurs it. And also, if you shake a Polaroid of a dick, it first. You shouldn't shake Polaroids. I know. And also if you shake a Polaroid of a dick, it comes. It looks like the ghost of a dick.

Ectoplasm. I didn't... I still want to stay on this orange diaphragm. I don't believe that's true. I'm pretty sure I heard it on QI so it must be. Oh, they're never wrong about things.

It's a bit... Would a lemon not work in that case, or a lime? I guess so, but an orange tends to be bigger. Well, it all depends on how big your missus is. Foo-foo's, isn't it? Well, I suppose you could use various citrus-based fruits. Like, if you were a virgin, a lime would probably just do it. Aye.

Could you use a banana skin? When life hands you lemons shove them up your vagina and don't have a baby because life's clearly fucked you and if you do have a baby at least it'll smell good yeah

oh but maybe it's like do you reckon like what if you shoved the orange up your vagina and then like you as a guy like

she'd shove the orange up there for sex but obviously it's pre-sex so you want to because I think diaphragm goes in before well sort of anyway you put the orange up there and then as obviously it's pre-sex so you want to because the diaphragm goes in before anyway you put the orange up there

and then as a guy you're going down and out and you just brush your teeth and you're just like oh this is gross now I don't think they brushed their teeth when they were putting orange peels up I don't know how recent this is, it could have been the 1980s could have been last night

well if anyone on the podcast wants to shove a does it just catch the cum um i you're coming at me you're the one that came out with the fact yeah i don't know everything about every fact i spout off all right trump uh uh so today i've had a fun day i had to go through to my old school yeah to because my brother's just finished his exam, so I was going to pick him up. And I've not seen my teachers in a while. I'm one of those nerds.

Like, I enjoyed school, and I'm still friends with some of my teachers. Still friends? Yeah. With some of my teachers? Yeah. That implies you were friends with your teachers at school. Yeah.

Because, like... Friends? Well, like... You're not friends with them. friends no but we do like basically fucking camping with them no but i do drink with them sometimes what are you talking about they gave up on me but like in a nice way they were like oh you're a fucking idiot but we still like you and then some of them you know supported my career from the beginning because they were like oh fucking anything else apart from education really sees this yeah so my teacher mr letham who like he's come to all my gigs since i was like 18 every year he comes on

tour me and kai go for drinks with him uh he listens to the podcast he's a fan to this day his name's stewart i've never called him sure i can't call him sure no of course not it's just he's like just we're it's it's been eight years yeah just call me and i'm like sorry i can't do that that's too weird. Yeah. But while I was in there, I went back to my, went back to my mum's house afterwards and she found my French exchange diary. Great.

So basically when I was in third year, we. Let me describe this book to the listeners. Please go ahead. It's a jotter. Exactly. A jotter. That is like

it is like the rhino. You probably won't remember that's the company that made them but you turn it over and that's the thing. It's got the four lines on the front and that is it. And I bet it stinks like fish still. Nah, not so much. But when you first got them, it used to stink of fish. Did they? Why?

Why are you coming out with these facts with none of the, do you know that fish make books? Make facts. Yeah, so basically we went on a French exchange

we went to like a posh, well not a posh school, like a, Kai would call it a posh school because he went to a not posh. He lived in Blythe.

Yeah, yeah. So it's just like a normal school but every year you got to go to a French exchange where you'd go out hang out with some

you'd stay with a French person for a week and then they'd stay with you like a couple of weeks later and they'd say improve your English and French but didn't do that and apparently

I don't remember this chart at all but apparently you had to keep it they were very strict on it and whoever had the best diary at the end of it the teacher's judge

won. So I really put my all into it. Did you draw that little baby on the front? It's not a baby, it's me. Is it Stewie Griffin? No, it's me. That is exactly Stewie Griffin. Why is your head that shape?

Because it's a doodle. Okay. I'm not going to do it. I was fucking 13 or 14 at the time. You were 13 when you did that? That's a drawing of a seven-year-old. What is that? I was being ironic.

Look, I coloured in the flag. I've done well. You've not coloured in the flag, you've made it all green. Oh, well, maybe it's faded.

Now, I won't read the full diary. You're free to, able to go through at some point. But, one, I was reading through today

and I laughed my ass off because I thought, in my head, here's how my memory works. was like oh I was awkward at high school and stuff and I only became confident when I started to do stand-up and then it was only when I got good at stand-up did I become the arrogant person that I am now sure turns out that is not the case I have been arrogant my whole fucking life like some of these I believe that

it's real real bad you keep talking while I try and find these things right okay that's not good that's so much pressure yeah we'll just do a little bit of bands a little bit of bands so let's sing a song

oh here we go. Day three. It's about 8.15 in the morning, and I woke up in the middle of the night, sweat pouring off me, and I have no idea why. That was because I'd been away for three days, and I'd been coming down off heroin.

Today I'm off to the Arras market, which will be fun, as I like to think of myself as a good haggler, based on nothing. When had you haggled before? Never. I'd never haggled. I just like to think I'd be good at it. I think once in Morrowind, the prequel to Skyrim. Particularly

in French. Once in Morrowind. Yeah, I thought I was a good haggler because I only knew the number 1, 2 and 3 so I was like I'll get it for any of those numbers. 123 pounds for everything i am heading off for a shower now and for breakfast okay i'm back from a russ that's you've continued that with the podcast you're like we're just going to pause it here over right back okay back from a russ and i bought a cheap new watch and i swear to god i think the

french french are trying to fat me up here we. But we are going swimming soon and I'm refusing to wear Speedos. Because in France you have to wear Speedos in swimming pools. Why? Because they've all got body lice. What? Yeah, no, because one time I went to France and they were like, you have to wear Speedos or you're not getting in the pool. And I was like, I'm not getting in the fucking pool then. I'm not wearing Speedos.

Because I turned out with trunks. Yeah. Because I'm a human being. Yeah, yeah. Here's 13 or 14 year old me. This is what I human being. Yeah, yeah. Here's 13 or 14-year-old me. This is what I wrote then. I'm not trying to be arrogant or cocky or seem full of myself, but Speedos seem a bit too small for my lower body. Oh, God. Oh, there's another one.

Wait, I want to go back Did you just say that all French people have body lice Not all of them but enough of them did That the rule is you have to wear speedos In all French pools now Fucking hell Why are trunks not as good as speedos then Because they can just sneak out can't they

Like speedos are tight They're just very much borderline for the Lice territory I guess I'm not confident of that at all here's some other things also the French think Scotland is still in the middle ages

my three favourite quotes so far are this is a television do you have them in Scotland? we invented them you cunt which is what I wrote invented them you cunt. Which is what I wrote underneath minus the cunt. Alright, okay. Two, do you hunt your foot?

And has your clan killed anyone? Has your clan killed anyone? Which they hadn't up until that point. Where in France was this? It was Bapome. Bapome. Which is north of France.

Right. And these lice-ridden cunts thought that we lived in the Dark Ages. Yes. Essentially, yeah. I remember walking through France when I was pretty young and this little haggard old lady heard us talking as we walked past her. She was sitting down. She spat on the floor. She went

Anglais. And we went, non, non, il cost. And she went Pardon. That's amazing. She just like sucked it back in. She went down to the floor and sucked it back in. Oh, pardonnez-moi. she just like sucked it back in she went down to the floor and sucked it back oh pardon moi also i was very bad at french and so that so what i've learned from the start is i just stayed in

my room most of the time because i didn't want to go downstairs and talk in french because i was but because every time i did go downstairs i agreed to things uh basically just because just i was like oh wee wee no here are the top five things I agreed to I live in a one floor house, I didn't I have never seen Lord of the Rings I'd seen them many times my mother is a nature loving hippie, kind of true

this was the first time I had ever been out of Scotland and finally my father hunts pigs but I prefer to hunt pigeons which are rare in Scotland what's pigeon in French? I don't know. Pigeons? Yeah. That was my full extent of French. Here's another entry. Also, I found out that there are four guys who the French girls love. And it's important to note that I spelt love,

who the French girls love. And it's important to note that I spell love, L-U-R-V. I was in France. I was being romantic. So there are four guys who the French girls love. They are me, parentheses, had you any doubt?

My French teacher's going to read this. Oh my God. Yeah. Ali, parentheses, I don't know why either. Ali, your friend Ali. Adam and Daniel Tuminski who is now gay I imagine he was actually gay then

but now he is now he's definitely I've just constantly referred to how sexy I am many many times during this no wonder you were almost a victim of a paedophile yeah because I was so sexy.

Well, confident as well. I don't think paedophiles prey on confident kids. And also, I should clarify... I don't think they're picky. I should also clarify, you can't just be like, no wonder you were picked up by a paedophile and not explain that story on the podcast. I'm pretty sure you've said it on the podcast before.

Have I? Yeah. Oh, well, for those of you that don't know podcast I'm pretty sure you've said it on the podcast before have I? yeah oh well for those of you that don't know I can't remember if I've told this story I was never a victim of a pedophile

I've done it on stage and I'm doing it on stage again this year I'm going to talk about it but it's basically found out that a guy I went to theatre with when I was younger

I was about 13, 14 at this time and he was 16 and then he was we were in the pledges Chris at this time and he was 16 and then we were in the pledges, Chris took us out together and he was a very good singer so he got one of the lead roles and I was shy so I was just one of the back ones but we got on really well and then I never saw him again and nothing happened.

Then the police five years later came to my door and started asking me questions about him and I couldn't remember who he was and they were they weren't there were actually questions but they weren't like they weren't specific questions because it was an ongoing investigation couldn't lead me to any conclusion and they were like did you ever meet him after school did you ever do anything I was like no and then they pulled out a folder which was about but a hand thick worth of paper which was every single conversation we'd had online on MSsn and started reading out everything he'd been saying to me and it was very obvious that he was trying to groom me and i was just blue balling a pedophile like there was entries when i was like let's sit he was like

let's go to the cinema this weekend and i was like sure and then like two days later he's like where were you i'm like oh sorry i forgot and there's just an angry pedo outside now at this point that confident handsome little people are probably like how can he be a pedophile if he's 16 I forgot And there's just An angry pedo outside Now at this point That confident Handsome little People are probably like How can he be a pedophile If he's 16 Which was also my question Yeah

Well I didn't find out at the time I only found out A couple of months later Once he had been arrested That he was not 16 When he was at the theatre group He was

49 Woman Women can molest children too guys it's 2017 yeah uh no he was like 21 and just went around just i don't know he never diddled me and he never did anyone i know but like if there's any do you reckon he got good at singing to join things like that maybe meet kids yeah i mean that's i imagine pdf's are quite committed people yeah especially if you're gonna like commit to that level of it my favorite thing about it was in jesus christ superstar he genuinely and i mean this is not a joke he played judas and the whole time the the police are talking to, I finally clocked on to what was happening

and I was laughing all of the way through. They're like, do you think this is funny? And I was like, yes. But not, there's nothing funny. But it's so funny about how ignorant and stupid I was and how close to danger I clearly had been and avoided because mum wouldn't give me a lift. That's great.

I'm never going to give my kids lifts anywhere. No, I'm just going to molest them at home. Cut out the middleman and save Petal for the environment. We'll fight for this later. I'm thinking about your future here. Well, no, the future of the planet mainly. Well, well about your future here. Well, no. Like the future of the planet, mainly. Yeah.

Well, well done on being French. I was in France. That was the point. I know. All right. That was good. I didn't think you were French. That's well done.

That's not what the French exchange was. They don't exchange things. You go in and can go, You're French now. Yeah, you get like a little white ribbon. White ribbon? Yeah, because they surrendered. It was a very racist joke.

I say racist. They're not a race. They are an abomination. I remember going on the French exchange and just, you know, like they took us to the battlefields, like the Battle of the Somme, which was like a horrible battle in World War I, where the British, the Allies bombed the German trenches and were like we've killed them all, they're all dead

charge and the Germans not being idiots had just dug under the ground and just sat there while we bombed them and thousands of British and French were sent over the lines and were like they're firing back and the helicopters were like well that's impossible we bombed them

keep going and all these just died because they were like no they're dead and they were like well that's impossible we bombed them keep going and all these just died because they were like no they're dead and they're like well fucking the horses are fucking learned how to use rifles so there's just this huge and they take you there like it's a very sombering experience but you're also a 14 year old and you're hanging out

with your fucking friends but even at that point you're not when you see the vast sea of like graves and stuff, some named, some not, you're just like, you can't make jokes. But there's still

that little bit of curiosity around you. And just me and my friends, you go to that wall where all the names are written down. And we just looked for our surnames.

Yeah, yeah, you did. To see how many. And you know what? Only three slosses were killed as opposed to my friend Mark Kroll there were seven Krolls killed so

Krolls are pussies nah because there was more of them there well not anymore yeah yeah it's true yeah no

sloss is a very uncommon certain name I don't know I know it's Swedish for fight but that's pretty much slosses

yeah no it's Norwegian for fight which is you know ironic if's yeah no it's Norwegian for fight which is you know ironic if you look at me do you know what war

is good for absolutely nothing no do I no I don't think I do I know that Gareth means

gentle and kind does it yeah oh in Welsh and Welsh it's a Welsh name oh in Welshsh and welsh it's a welsh name oh in welsh yeah and it means welsh generous and kind and welsh the nigerian word for welsh yeah was it kai that always thinks

your name is pronounced woff yeah he's an idiot kai is a fucking idiot but then again if your name is kai which is three letters like anything with more letters than that must be the most confusing thing in the fucking world yeah because everyone he knew Kai, which is three letters, like anything with more letters than that must be the most confusing thing in the fucking world. Because everyone he knew at that point had three letters. Gav, mum, dad. Like everyone he knew had three letters in their name. So when he moved up north and people were just, oh, some of them had more than one consonant.

Morgan? Oh, Jesus. Didn't know the Queen was here. I don't know why Morgan was the first name I thought of. Yeah, Elizabeth. When you hear the name Elizabeth, it blew his fucking mind. Just short to Liz. Yeah.

Shall we move on to Le Mugler Corner? Oui, c'est bon. Le Corner de Mugler. Oui, again. Oui. You go first. Okay. Muggles are interested in what celebrities share their birthday.

Oh, yeah. It's always on the radio. There's always that bit after the news. And also, happy birthday to Donald Glover, Michelle Pfeiffer Tom Hanks As if Tom Hanks has listened to 4th One And the composer back

A weird group I don't know who I share it with Do you know who you share a birthday with? Yeah I do Well you're a fucking muggle then Oh no I know, I've looked at it before 2 Chainzains the rapper. Paul Walker.

Oh, he's... Dead. Yeah. I can't remember the rest. They're the two that I remember. I remember a couple of them going, well that's a good one. And that's the thing, that's what people say when they look up, they go, oh that's quite a good one. Here's mine. Go on.

We have Ludacris. Oh shit, that's quite a good one. Here's mine. Go on. We have Ludacris. Shit, that's better than 2 Chainz. Yeah. Virginia Madsen. No idea. Bunch of people I don't know. Moby. Moby? Not Dick, just the...

Yep. Mickey Hart. And here's the number 11. This is the list. 12 celebrities whose birthday is on September the 11th. Brian De Palma, Mickey Hart, 11. Mario Lopez's daughter. Who's Mario Lopez, even?

Mario Lopez is from Saved by the Bell. Oh, yeah, Slater. Yeah, Slater. Yeah, Slater. He's Slater. God, I used to fancy Kelly so much back in the day. And is he not Screech that done did a murder? I don't think he did a murder, but he did a porno. He did a porno?

I'm pretty sure he also did a murder. He did a stab. He maybe did. I think he did do a stab. But we have just both put ourselves in the corner there for being genuinely interested in there. But I do win with Ludacris and Moby. Aye, mines are fucking shea.

I'm looking at the full list now. Like, actually... For those people that don't know, I should have just said, my birthday is on September the 11th. So that's obviously... And mine's is? September the 14th. So that's obviously mine. And mine's is? September the 14th.

Oh my fucking Christ. 12th. Yes. Oh, so close. The day after! Every time we have this argument, it's the day after. You say argument,

you make an argument. I try my best not to. Who the fuck is B2 Cute Cupcakes? Is that not R2-D2's sister? She's a living anyway. Paul Walker 2-chain. Is this Jennifer Hudson?

Oi. Fucking Yao Ming. Is he a basketballer? Dunno. Fucking, this is shit. Oh, Louis CK Haha Louis CK Yeah

That's a belter Oh god Muggled myself right into this one Yeah you really have Let's stop immediately Hans Zimmer But I guarantee as well During this bit

There are a lot of people I would argue Most people on this podcast Who don't know That have just been like Oh no Not paused it But just on the bus Have just gone like Well no not paused it but just on the bus of

just going like well since they've done it so basically everyone's in the fucking corner right now just go everybody let's say yeah everyone just go in the corner because let's be honest we all just did it we all just muggled ourselves it is totally just relating to no reason in any way no whatsoever i got so excited I don't share a lot in common with Ludacris What? I don't share a lot in common with Ludacris I don't think. Common, right I genuinely thought you were

I don't share a lot of cum with Ludacris I don't, also true Chris, get your own cum, this is mine, I earned this I nearly went she and then I went don't do that, it's racist, and then I did it. Oh, well, thanks for dragging me in it with you. She, that's not very nice.

There we go. Changed it. I don't think it's racist if he does say she all the time. I don't think he says, I have no idea. I'm not going on personal terms. We're ludicrous. Oh, absolutely. What would your rap name be?

G-Wiz? G-Tip. G-Willikers Have you I When I was 14 I used to make rap songs No you didn't Yeah

No you didn't Yeah I did What My name was G-Tip What kind of raps did you do? Terrible ones Oh my Where did you do the raps?

My friend Tawanda's house. That's right. I said Tawanda. Oh. I had a friend. Who was just from Leith. Yeah, he was white. Yeah, me and Tawanda.

Oh my God. So where was Tawanda from? Zimbabwe. Right. That is the most weird rap group I would ever like to wonder i'm assuming black am i correct in assuming oh i've got a funny story that likes over that uh you know richard melvin yeah he told me a story that he was at the bbc and he was like here's how liberal the bbc are i'm sat in this waiting room and richard melvin Melvin for everyone is like a middle-aged white

producer yeah he's sat in this waiting room and this guy comes in wearing like proper traditional African dress like this big black guy like the African hat and stuff and he's like sat down next to Richard and then there was somebody like came in with a little clipboard and goes excuse me are one of you Tawanda Mazazda anyway yeah that dude I'm going to assume yeah it's not me oh god just no yeah

just coming out there being like Prince Mawanda the third just Richard being like that's actually me by the way that is actually it's my rap name I can't believe you were in a rap group yeah sure was

did you call it his name did you call it Jeng and Yang oh no that's just wait why

because you're white and ginger and he's black Asian oh no but like just because the black and white

that's fine oh yeah his rap name was Killer Funk Killer Funk He's now a pilot So it didn't really work out for either of us I mean he's definitely doing better Why?

He flies planes I fly dreams Right into people's ear holes No I'm absolutely not laughing at that What kind of raps did you do? Do you remember any of them? Yeah Oh please go on

No I wouldn't be doing my job on this podcast If I didn't sink you down To the fucking bottom of the ocean with this We did a song called Oh Girl. Fuck, I might have it on my phone. No.

Hold on, let me have a look. Oh my God, right, hold on. Let's pause this while you look for it because we don't need any more dead air on this episode. Yeah. You got it, right. Okay, hold on.

So we've just paused the podcast. You found it. Before you play this. I found it online, which is terrible. So, how long is it? It's two minutes, 29 seconds. Right, I think we may have to listen to all of it.

Get your microphone right down to the fucking speaker there, and we'll also put a link. I've not listened to this. When was the last time you listened to this? Fuck, years ago. I'm so excited. It's, I want to, it's. Oh, I'm not expecting it to be good.

Oh, it's going to be as good as you think it is. Okay, good. It's just like. What's it called? It's called Oh Girl. It said, here's the song description. So he's obviously put this online, and he's put,

Killa and G-Tip collab on the smooth track. Good for chilling out with that special someone winky face emoji. And I should say, emojis weren't a thing at this point. It's like a text version. Oh my god. Okay. Here we go.

I don't know what you're singing. I did the first verse, I think. Oh, it's kick-offs. It's going to be corny but I never felt this way before I love you so much don't bother me when I hear you snore You're everything in life every man could adore And I'm about as nice as a little crib just offshore And I gotta say because the dream come true I would never call you a bitch cause you is my boo And if you left me I wouldn't know what I would do Who would I hold hands with when I'm walking through the zoo

I would never cheat on you girl I must stay true When you say I love you you know I must say I love you too cause baby I'll tell you till I'm black and blue absolutely nothing and no one could ever compare to you

oh my god hold on right pause it right when you're holding hands walking through the zoo no no who would I hold hands with

when I'm walking through the zoo it's a nice little romantic image that suggests I go to the zoo more than I do. But still rapping there. Oh my God. Is there any more?

I think that's me done. The next verse would be killer. Oh, that is outstanding. Yeah. Right. We have to link that to the podcast because that is have you ever done material on that no i i think i was going to before and then uh you know that is it scrapbooks and rap books or whatever the mortified you know that it's that kind of when people read like their

old diaries on stage and it's just like the idea is you're fucking mortified at what used to be like i was going to do a thing on that and play the track. But they were like, it's too embarrassing. They're like, literally, it's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to anybody. I really hope that came out. But I hope the sound on that was decent enough that they heard it.

That is phenomenal in so many ways, for every wrong reason, I forgot what we were talking about before this is my first muggle corner oh my god oh brilliant, right I think if Stanley heard this he'd explode

oh I guarantee wherever Kai is right now, because Kai listens to the podcast almost straight away Wherever he is right now He's probably on a treadmill He's stopped and he's now on the floor Not doing press ups Just dying laughing Good for your abs though

I'm trying to think of something Like a little life raft to throw you Of something embarrassing I've done But the only thing I can think of Is something I think I've spoke about in the podcast before I used to throw you if something embarrassing I've done but the only thing I can think of is something I think I've spoke about the podcast before is I used to write acrostic poems about wrestlers

was it about wrestlers? I remember you telling me them before like the rock ours for really handsome roaring crowds cheers as he exhale oh what a specimen of a man It's like, roaring crowds cheers his ex-husband. Oh, what a specimen of a man.

Can't wait to see him kick his opponent or something. That's very good for off the top of your head. Right, I'll go to my first Muggle corner. Oh my God, I'm so happy. I wonder if he's got any other ones with us on there. Muggles drink peppermint tea. I just think... I think any flavoured tea, really. Yeah, I was going to put it in any tea,

but it's the peppermint one that inspired me. Because Gene always drinks that stuff. I'm just... I don't... Coffee, again. I like coffee because it has a function to wake you up. Yeah. And tea, is there caffeine in tea?

Yeah, there's, well, now here's the thing. Is this another half-known fact? Aye, I think there's more caffeine in tea than there is in coffee. Oh, so there you go, so tea makes sense. But if you're just, peppermint tea to me is just, brush your teeth under the warm tap. Yeah. Like, it's the same thing. I don't, lavender, chamomile, all yeah like it's the same thing I don't lavender

chamomile all that it's flavoured hot water yeah like I don't understand how it's any arguably better than just warm Ribena

yeah I've tried loads of flavoured teas before I went through a little phase oh Marlena makes me at my age I know

she's like do you want a peppermint tea and I'm like no because I'm not 79 and I'm not in the menopause so I have regular tea and I don't have

milk or sugar in it fucking hard man yeah just drill don't even put the water in just chew the tea bag you wrote a rap song about it oh you think you're gangster

yeah here comes G-Tip with his song tea bagging for boo it's not a bad title yeah are you going to go back and meet Tawanda

and be like look I know we've not seen each other in a while I know you're flying planes but I've got some sick lyrics spitting your way

fuck I'm so glad I've just had a look through is there not any more rap songs there's more but they're all by him luckily there's no more of mine

oh my god I can't believe he used to rap anyway back on to Muggles and their peppermint tea um yeah i could don't get me wrong like i see jean drinking it and she she's very happy when she does it clearly it's like one of the maybe it's just a reason is that a relaxing thing i think it's a lifestyle thing i think it's one of those things like if you here's me not drinking peppermint

tea because i don't do anything during the day and i'm a comedian so i'm just drinking i think maybe if you were like a long job 9 to 5 you've gone to the gym afterwards you've just eaten and you want to sit down and watch some of your muggle telly like take me out or come down with me or a Louis Theroux documentary and you want something warm

I don't like Louis Theroux yeah but yeah I also like Louis Theroux but it's that's like upper class mugglery. Aye. There's just a little bit of like, there's actually, if there's actually a Louis Theroux documentary, shut up, cunt. Shut up, cunt.

Don't come in here with your opinions that he gave you. Come on, shut up. Yeah. I think if you're sat down watching it then, it's just like you're just trying to wind down in the evening. But it's just a bit m trying to wind down in the evening but it's just a bit muggly and again the important thing we always have to remind people about muggles

there's nothing wrong with a little bit of muggly here we're just here to call it out you can tell me honestly with a straight face that when you're sat there with a little blankie over your legs and your little cup of peppermint tea and you're blowing on it because it's too hot and you're just snuggling in there waiting for your fucking hot water bottle to boil in the thing you're just like

you don't feel a little bit like a muggle yeah no i see it right you painted a lovely picture there it's it's innocent mugglery but again that is all mugglery is but it's just a little bit especially like people got so many different types there's just like here's my tea cupboard i'm like ginger and lemongrass oh here's the interview you've got a tea cupboard i've got a drug drawer like maybe it's different in lifestyles but i just i i also think adding on to this it's quite muggly when people have a container for their tea bags oh i'm in the corner keep it in the box oh i'm in the corner. Keep it in the box. Oh, I'm in the corner.

I do feel weird. I also have it for sugar and for coffee. I get the glass of dried coffee granules and then open it and pour it in. Ridiculous. Same with sugar. And I'll put the rest of the bag of sugar because it doesn't all fit into the tub, into the thing.

And instead of just taking it out, yeah, that's mugglery. Sugar is less mugglery because it's a bag of sugar because it doesn't all fit into the tub into the thing and instead of just taking out oh yeah that's mugglery sugar is less mugglery because it's a bag of sugar and you're putting a glass container you're moving it from a glass to a glass yeah yeah that's it yeah i'll go oh that wasn't in marco corner so i won't start on the corner but you can bring that up in the future but i just think any sort of those flavored teas there's nothing wrong with you i know why you do it this isn't me being spiteful and mean and horrible but just admit to yourself it's a little bit muggly. What's your next one? Muggles have

dashboard cameras. Oh, I'm going to fight you on this one. I don't have one but anyway, you do your argument first. They're ridiculous. Why? What are you capturing? It's for insurance. Fuck off. Nah, I would agree it is.

Look, in a generation now, and not a gen- this isn't a generational thing, it's just a society thing, the amount of just suing constantly with each other. Like, if you hit someone, they'll be like, I've got whiplash. No, you fucking don't. You're just used to seeing, like, I've got whiplash. No, you fucking don't. You're just used to seeing. These are the people that get that. We heard that you were in an accident recently.

The people that do that are the ones that go, I was in an accident. And if there's no evidence, I think the system's set up. So your premium will fucking go up because you can't prove that you didn't do it. All they have to do is be like, oh, I've got a sore oh it's all in my mind i'm traumatized and ways you can prove that all you did was chip their wings from there and give them the bird like have you not seen the russian ones the russian ones are crazy and like all the japanese people like just throw themselves in front of the car for insurance doesn't happen here but maybe does it not no no it doesn't happen here but does it not no no it doesn't but

I think to a no I think to a degree I think you're spending like they're like a hundred quid like what are you doing

you're spending a hundred quid but a hundred quid to not get sued for like a thousand for your premium to go up a bit I don't have one right

which by the way is not an invite to anyone he's getting their car jumped in front of no that is one I reckon you get sued once you've got sue me once

shame on you should have bought that fucking camera should have bought it I'm going to fight that one and then I reckon fuck I'll let it I'm gonna fight that one and then I reckon fuck I'll watch them back as well and I think that is what it really hurts me but without dash cams and like helmet cams

nothing happens I bet they watch it back and go how shit would YouTube be without head cams and stuff like that like that fucking that boxer that got out of the car and chased the guy on the bike yeah it was pretty good see that's like Like that fucking, that boxer that got out of the car and chased the guy on the bike. Yeah, it was pretty good. See, that's, like, putting Muggle... You get some good shit on there, don't get me wrong, but, like, you're recording, like,

all the dash cams in the world are recording for hours and hours and hours. Yeah. And we get one fight or one fucking meteor coming down. Yeah. But that's also, like, saying... But they're also not made for that. But that's, like, saying, oh, why are we inoculating all these kids through HPV or whatever it is? But is it...

No, HPV's an STD, isn't it? It's absolutely not like that. And also... No, it's like, why inoculate everyone when there's only a few to get them? Because you're not preventing it. No, you are.

You're preventing the spread. No, no, you might still crash with a dashboard cam. Yeah, but you'll be able to prove that it's not safety and that's it. It's the stuff you're getting sued. Who's suing anybody that gets HPV? No not right

Fine I lost the analogy I was just talking about I just want to win one part of the target I'm not allowing it to go in the corner I'm guessing somebody's getting September 11th Another 9-11 No another rap song Oh god please

Can you What was the group called again The group was called TAC Stood for Right The pause makes it better So there was three of us in TAC It was my mate Andy as well

Whose rap name was X Just X And you're going to laugh Of course I am this is horrific of us in TAC. It was my mate Andy as well, whose rap name was X. Just X. And you're going to laugh. Of course I am. This is horrific. So the group, the TAC, was called, short for the Tawanda Andy Crew. You weren't even

in the title! I joined later. You could have been called Tag. I joined later after they made their group. Oh, my God. Yeah. And you couldn't convince them to be like, guys, it's not really a crew.

There's just one more. Yeah, I said we should change it. To what tag? I think I said tag. You didn't have enough crew. But then people would have been like... Our album was called Tic Tac Toe

oh my god we sold it at school did you yeah did it sell any aye yeah yeah

god probably people just going oh my fucking god because I was going to say what school did you go to Beeslack Community High School and what during what years

that was 2001 to 2007 right if any of you are listening to this podcast What school did you go to? Beeslack Community High School. And during what years? That was 2001 to 2007. Right. If any of you are listening to this podcast, get in the corner right fucking now. I don't even care if you bought the album or not. The fact that you let it happen, the fact that you fucking let these three muggles record and produce a rap

and sell it on school grounds. And did you get your head kicked in? No, not even right that's exactly why everyone from that school between those years get in the corner right now for 30 seconds

because that is I do not agree with somebody should have stopped us they absolutely should have corrected you if somebody had battered me then I wouldn't have been going through this now

they would have saved you the embarrassment later on I'm going to say dash cams are a necessary. Ridiculous. Necessary. Muggles rollerblade. In every sense. You mean adults?

No, all of them. Ever. Kids? Yeah. Muggles. Little mugglets. Baby little mugglets. No. Little mugglets. Baby little mugglets. Can you rollerblade?

Probably. No, you can't, then. I probably can. Quite tough. Nah, I mean... I only... I wasn't very good at it, so I didn't do it much.

Oh, I think for a bit I tried, but the second I'm not good at something, instantly I stopped doing it. Yeah. But, nah. even the impressive like it's not like skateboarding or BMX and we're like you get to a level like parkour if you're amateur parkour that's mugglery is shit if you're amazing at parkour that's pretty fucking impressive yeah even if you are the best roller

blader in the world still still a fucking muggle. Like with your little fucking tiny orange cones that you do your little flippy things between. Oh, grow up. Be like a fucking muggle. I don't know if it is muggly. You're just fighting me because I tell you why. I genuinely don't think... This is a retaliation.

I think, especially for kids, like kids are allowed to rollerblade. Muglets. No. Little muglets. No, they're not. Little baby muglets. No. They're just puking up your little mugglery into their mouth. Muglets. No. Little muglets. No, they're not. Little baby muglets. No.

Just puking at me, a little muggle right into their mouth. Muggles pogo. Muggles do pogo, I would accept. Yeah. I think you're a muggle on a pogo stick if you can do a flip on it. You've done pogo too much. Nobody can do a flip on a pogo. Hey, you can.

No, they can. I've seen videos. Nah, photoshopped. You can't do it. Photoshop? You don't get photoshopped for a video. All right, video shop. Right, okay, I'll give you that.

Really? You're not putting rollerblades in? I don't think for kids, man. I think if you're an adult and you're rollerblading, fuck it. So you're telling me you see a kid on rollerblades like, oh, cool. I don't think cool. It's a muggle thing, isn't it? No, it's not.

Anything not cool is muggly. All right, fair point. Yeah. Nah. It's not. No, not muggly in the sense that muggles... But again, it's innocence. Exactly.

They're too young to know any better. Let's be honest. Most kids are muggles. They are. But they're not because they're too young to know any better like that's why let's be honest most kids are muggles they are because it's just but they're not because they're kids any adult that does

kid shit is a muggle alright so then rollerblading's in then if you're an adult rollerblading's in that's the stipulation I'll give you yeah

in the same way yeah that's always been the stipulation there's always been a kid stipulation in there like in the same way that like if a fucking

kid drank peppermint tea probably not a muggle, probably a fucking sophisticated kid. Yeah, they'd probably be like a psycho kid. I just, yeah. I drank some peppermint tea and then I drowned this rat as he outquitly would rap. Just stirring the tea constantly

pinky up at the age of nine psychopath, genuine serial killer. What's that pat oswald bit about when his brother was babysitting and he said something like his pants but shat the kid corrected him and he's changing his nappy what the fuck oh right what's your next one because we gotta go quickly here all right yeah um muggles Check-In. I feel like it's probably been covered before.

Oh, yeah, I think it has. We can bring it back up. We've done 51 episodes now. Oh, speaking of which, our last episode we did was the 50th episode of this podcast that we did not celebrate. So just a quick side thing. Thanks to everyone that's listened to all 50 episodes

and even the ones that have only listened to some of them, we never thought we'd get this far. We never thought anyone would fucking listen to it, but you do. And it's a very loyal fan base. You don't tell your friends much, but maybe it's because you're ashamed to put the podcast, which makes sense. But yeah, thank you to

all our loyal listeners over the things. I know we said we'd do it in Melbourne, but there is not a chance that we will not be doing a live podcast during edinburgh we absolutely will we'll do uh we'll find a good venue to go to we'll get a bunch of the uh guests on we'll get like you on and we'll get nick cody on we'll get stanley on and uh elliot yeah anyway you're checking in yeah and i don't know i feel like all of them are like you see some people checking like just nothing cost of coffee yeah it costs a coffee just a cheeky one before i go to work shut up nobody cares yeah it's so bizarre like i kind of get the airport ones

that's again no this is the thing we and kyle was talking about i absolutely do that it's it's the same thing like uh obligatory airport pint photo which is like even no matter what level of muggery if it's ironic if it's pseudo ironic muggery it's still muggery getting involved in any fad but it's still muggery yeah no matter how aware you are of the muggery you you have to it's still muggery to do although i know it's muggeryugglery. No matter how aware you are of the mugglery, you have to, it's still mugglery to do. Although I know it's mugglery, but I understand why people do it because they're going on holiday.

So it's like, oh, look, yeah, I've earned this thing. But if you're sat in LaserQuest, well, not even be sat, if you're running about,

but if you're checking in there, if you're checking in, it's just, it's, it's what social media is Which is just shouting I'm doing a thing Yeah

Yeah I'll give you checking If you do that Go checking in the corner You fucking muggle Nice Now I know We just had the argument

About stipulations Of kids can't be muggles I'm about to Fucking destroy that argument Right Muggles have fidget spinners Yeah fucking right they do oh man like i remember two months ago or like three months ago when it was just the ad on facebook and i was like the

fuck is that thing and then nothing happened but clearly those two months was just people ordering them and now it's just becoming a patient x oh and to my little brother jack who i know listens to this podcast which terrifies me, by the way, because he texts me constantly being like, Oi, cunt, where's the podcast? First of all, 14. Shouldn't be calling me cunt. No, I think that's fair enough.

No, he's right. I'm not saying he's wrong. Yeah. But clearly, I've... You're trying to say you weren't saying cunt when you were 14? Not to my older brother. Because you don't have an older brother.

Not by technicality. Yeah, Jack's got one. So, Jack, get in the fucking corner. Like, it's just... Have you had a shot of it? Oh, I can't do it. Oh right Technicality Yeah Jack's got one So Jack Get in the fucking corner Like it's just Have you had a shot of it Oh I can't do it What do you mean

You can't do it Oh because You spin it And I was like I was with him the other day And I span it I was like So is this it

He's like no you can do tricks with it And I was like No you can't He's like yeah you can And he span it And then throw it up And then caught it And I'm like

Fuck you is that a trick You can't throw something And catch a caught trick Anyway Juggling? It's a shite trick Which is why muggles juggle That was one of the ones we did Clearly somebody hasn't listened to all 51

Fucking bastard I had a go at somebody the other day and he was like I've quit smoking and it's helped me to quit smoking and I was like why? How are you putting it in your mouth? Yeah Ah, keeps it in your mouth? Ah, keeps it in his lips thought it was a faggot

like I don't it's just for those of you that haven't, I mean you've definitely seen them it's those little fucking, they're just like Beyblades without the fun Fuck Beyblades were good I was a muggle in school we used to play Beyblades on the bus

on the bus aye that's insane aye I used to bring like this is how much of a muggle kid I was I used to bring in

the arena right and all my friends would come on the bus and you were only allowed to bring in one a day and then my friend Jordan Morris

the fucking cheater right what he did was he learned how to like mod the Beyblades so he put like he managed to get like three weights on them and just aye always won always won fucking cheating can't i remember uh building

one with uh my stepbrother and uh he he was like quite clever and he liked to show off a wee bit about that and he was building it and my mom was like oh you guys having fun and he was like yeah yeah he went although it's a little bit tedious trying to build these i went i'm having fun and he went oh i'm having fun but it's just a bit like tedious and i was like he doesn't know what tedious means and i went run out by us a couple more times there buddy boy it was like tedious and i was like I mean tedious means boring and he was like oh I thought it meant like fiddly

I was like unlucky cunt yeah this is what should be called the tedious spinners hey call back so would you be willing

to in that moment admit aye that kids are muggles yeah little fucking muggles they follow fads don't they

remember the yo-yo one? Oh, aye. Used to be able to do none of the tricks. I bought a yo-yo not long ago. Did you? Yeah.

You fucking muggle. Like, probably about a year ago. To do what? Pick up chicks? I don't know. I don't know why I did it. I think I watched

some yo-yo videos on YouTube and I was like... That's another one where real yo-yo tricks are genuinely impressive. was like that's another one where like if you're like real yo-yo tricks are genuinely impressive fucking cool but unless you're that

top 5% you're a fucking muggle I think that's what I was aiming for well if the stand-up thing doesn't work out I need to fall back oh thank you

yeah it's either that or stack it's either that stacking cups or break dancing doing that bit where I push my head

and then my body, and then my head. We got it quickly. Yeah, right. Let's go through them. So you only got two in this week. So my ones were, again,

if you drink peppermint tea, or any type of flavoured tea, I know why you do it, I understand why you do it, and I'll be honest with you, if I were to try them, I would probably enjoy them, especially now going through this sober period in my life.

But I won't do it, because I won't allow myself to go to that level of mugglery. Just admit, you're a little bit of a muggle. Muggle's rollerblade. All right. You do. Even if you're really good at it, it's just a bit. I saw one the other day, and I was like,

oh, just grow up, would you? Get a bike. Yeah. Bikes, like, once you get beyond 21, it's the only acceptable form of transport with wheels that's not motorised as a bike. Yeah. What about skateboards? Unless you're a pro skateboarder, no.

Yeah. No, I'm not. They've got, like, the cool thing going for them. Do they? I think skateboarding's pretty cool. But, like, anyway, we're trying to be fast and I'm going, but what about option number 90? And teenage muggles have fidget spinners.

You fucking spinny wee muggles. Fucking grown up. Go in the corner and you have to stay in there for a minute because you'll be distracting yourself with your fucking fidget spinners so you have to go in

for extra time, you fucking muggle cunt. So mine's that got in were muggles are interested in what celebrities share their birthday. Ludacris.

And Muggles check in. Yeah, absolutely. Go check in the corner, you fucking Muggle. I just realised you meant Ludacris. Yeah. Shared yours rather than... Right, let's go on to my favourite game. Yo Daddy.

Gareth, your dad's wedding motto is cocks out till you're knocked out. Oh my god. Gareth, your dad's wedding motto is cocks out till you're knocked out. Your dad's a busker and he plays Wonderwall on his recorder. Pretty good. Your dad thinks pillow talk is when you talk to your pillow. Your dad took Monopoly money to Legoland to put in Lego strippers G-strings.

I'm better at in Lego strippers G-strings. I'm better like actual Lego strippers. Your dad's a big fan of make-up sex, in that he makes it up whenever he has sex. Your dad thinks that Pop Your Collar is the English version of Pop Your Clocks, which he thinks is Dutch. Did you hear about Barry?

Popped his collar So young too Gareth, whenever your dad orders coke and the waitress says, is Pepsi okay? He says, no one sulks Your mum won't let your dad buy a fidget spinner He's been in a huff for four days Your dad used to make you eat baby food By pretending it was an airplane

But then when times got tough He told you that they couldn't afford planes anymore So it had to be the food train And he fingered it up your arsehole Fucking hell Your dad did a presentation at work But the whole time he pretended to talk out his ass Like an Ace Ventura

And at one point he farted by mistake And ran out crying Gareth your dad's a rescue He's behind the couch at fireworks Your dad This is weird Your dad puts a saddle on your dog And patrols the house

With a toilet roll Tube sword For ghosts And his argument is You've not seen a ghost yet have you Doing my job Gareth your dad stole my heart. Your dad got the phrase

send nudes shaved into his head. Your dad has a new girlfriend but says I won't know her because she goes to a different school. Your dad wants to buy a boat and call it Dignity so he can finally have some. Your dad says he can

lip read but only in braille. He just feels their lips. With his lips. Your dad keeps getting hot flushes and telling people he's going through the menopause but he calls it the womanopause. Your dad refers to rusks as disco biscuits

because they give him the energy he needs at discos to slut drop. Fucking hell. Your dad doesn't drink water so that he can get kidney stones on purpose and make a rockery in the garden. Another successful round. Thank you to everyone for listening to the podcast. It's been a lovely 51 episodes. I never thought it would get this far.

Hopefully I'll be seeing Kai next week. So hopefully that'll be another little reunion episode for you but apart from that do you have any gigs coming up Gareth? Aye

but not off the top of my head I'm not ready for that I don't I am you're growing a beard because you don't yeah I'm glad we brought

my facial hair my sick beard that I've got going on it's a dead sick beard I've got ladies and gentlemen I've just refused to shave for nine days and I look pretty bitching I've not got any really that work but fourth of june i guess i've got a preview in elgin for my edinburgh show and if you live in elgin if we have

any elgin listeners i'll be fucking impressed yeah we don't have fucking speakers mind you we do have listeners in fucking weird ass places so maybe maybe so if you're in Elgin I'll be up there 4th of June at the Druthy Cobbler I think but I don't have any gigs coming up for a while apart from some previews I'm doing with Kai but those are in a couple of months so I'll tell you about them near the time

apart from that thank you for listening to the podcast please do share it and give it good reviews and all that other shit just so we can get higher up in the charts blah blah blah you know the fucking drill alright clans love you lots Thank you for listening to the podcast. Please do share it and give it good reviews and all that other shit just so we can get higher up in the charts. Blah, blah, blah. You know the fucking drill. All right, clans. Love you lots.

Talk to you later. Thanks, Gareth. Cheery. Cheery? Cheery? I know. I don't know what happened there. Bye.

Goodbye.