Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 53 Steelcast

Episode Date: June 5, 2017

High from London Muggins is joined by millenial poster boy Elliot Steel, they discuss intergrating emojis into the English language and other important topics. Note: While you're enjoying the dad jokes bear in mind that Elliot's dad is famous man Mark Steel. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? The circle jerk of life, Elliot Steele of fortune.

Cookies that you're jerking on. I don't know. The song we are naming, we've got Elliot Steele here. Oh, hello. Hi, mate. First up, it's the Sloss and Humphreys on the Road podcast. I am in London alongside Elliot Steele because Sloss is in Edinburgh and has no friends. Fact.

Not even Gareth Ward. Nah. He's even got ginger friends turning him down. Ginger friends are not returning his calls. Daniel, it's gone south. So we're a little bit high.

We've gone high on the balcony before taking the podcast taking the podcast do a half a pod take half a later half a later half a pod and earlier

you got confused at the cupboard didn't you because you didn't know whether to get a glass or a cup for the water it was a glass or a mug I just saw you

staring at the cupboard just get any of them I don't know but it's a terrifying thing because if you have like water out of a mug you're a mug do you think when you're at someone's house you've got to stick to their systems like as if we're going to be like oh we don't drink all the cups oh yeah no but that's our best trainer don't know because like have you ever I don't think it's like you think

everyone's house will be like that but you know when you go to someone's house yeah and you just do something and they're like oh around here we do this and you're like oh i see we're living in some stalinist yeah sort of household i always take my shoes off as a guest i assume because you'd rather be wrong you'd rather them going oh you don't need to take your shoes off then yeah i didn't do that couch when i when i walked in here i was in my shoes for about 10 minutes went out on the balcony had a cigarette and then went and took them off. Then took them off. You just trod your shit around the room and went, I'm done here. I marked my territory.

Made now. I want Natalie to know that I've been here when she comes back. It was funny when me, you and Jamali got stoned on Wednesday night and Natalie come back. And you guys were trying not to act high as if I was going to be in trouble if she found out. It's because I still live at home. Like I see you, it's like, you know,

I'm prim and proper. I would listen if my mum had come in. And then, she was like, what have you been doing? I was just like, oh,

getting baked. And the period just went, oh my God. Oh, I thought I was going to have to keep that secret. Is there nothing worse than when you've like,

smoked a joint and then like, I find this because, obviously, my parents, my parents know i smoke weed and stuff like but i think there's a respectful thing you don't do in front of them uh i wouldn't do it in front of them as like a thing of like if there was a joint like if i was uh

if one floats by your face if one comes by my face my parents are there i'm old enough now to make life-wrecking decisions. But then I always find like I can't enjoy being high. I can't sit there and just laugh because my mum, she thinks she's cool with me smoking weed, but she's not because she makes a comment about it. Yeah. Which is the worst thing is when someone says to you like... Blows your buzz.

Yeah, when you're sat there and you just start giggling at something and they go, oh, you're enjoying yourself, aren't you? And you're like, I was just start giggling at something and they go, oh, you're enjoying yourself, aren't you? And you're like, I was. Now you've made me paranoid. It's like the mug situation all over again. Yes. When I'm talking to someone that doesn't know I'm high, it's always too in my head that they don't know I'm high.

Because you don't want to tell them. You don't want to be like, oh, by the way, I'm stoned. But you don't want them to just think you're a little bit retarded. Yeah. Did you ever get high in school yeah and then would you go sit into a class and then you had that paranoia of like going fuck is the teacher gonna work out i'm high and that's but luckily i was a bit shit at school so if i was just a bit shit in class they just thought you were a dummy yeah they just walking in the walls again there he is but they just didn't know i was baked all the time you can't choose whether i get a flask or a beaker for the science experiment.

Both would be fine. I hate it when you're that high when you're talking to someone and you can't remember what you're talking about, but you're trying to work out what you said by what they're saying. I think this is going to be half the podcast. People are going to be listening back. Wait, what were we talking about? You made me laugh when you come back with a cup of water at the end

you just went can you believe like we can we can just get water at the tap now remember in the 1800s when you're making a podcast you'd have to go to the pump we've still got recording gear do you reckon what was like the equivalent of a podcast back then do you think do you reckon people just had a chat gossip people just people just had a chat and if it was interesting people just sat around and watched them maybe they just gathered around maybe they just

gathered around like say people in the market square or having just a really profound chat people just gathered around

they didn't chip in they just listened and tweaked them after do you remember people doing like people

just writing on walls fuck off you cunt some poor person but do you think there was

a thing like that like they would have got there back then and seen like your dad jokes happening and gone oh shit we missed it

missed a trick I reckon they had banter back then you know I think just because we look at them in history and go oh they didn't have electricity and shit like that

we think they're primitive people but I bet you they fucking had mad bants they had whatsapp groups total lit lit whatsapp groups

just yelling out the window like in an alley everyone's in their separate houses yelling out

smiley face smiley face cry face cry face cry face cry face I love the cry face right because

you know you're trying to tell them that you're crying laughing have you ever seen pictures of people crying and laughing?

Like when they're laughing and crying when they're so emotional but over something happy that they're crying? That's not the response you're doing. You're not doing the, I've just won an award cry. Someone does a joke. That's what cry laughing is. You're like, oh, I'm so overwhelmed by happiness that I'm crying. You're just laughing at one of your mates doing a pun.

You probably wouldn't even raise an eyebrow. Never mind cry laugh or word speech laugh. Do you reckon, though, that will come, like, the next sort of, like, thing of language? That people just start talking through, like, emoji. Like, that's what it will come to. I hope not, because, like, I haven't got good facial expressions. So if we drop language and just do face emojis...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't just do faces at people and they go, oh, yeah, he does want a cup of tea. No, I mean, like, in writing. Like, in years... No, we weren't going to get rid of language altogether. We weren't... But you mean, did you think,

oh, we're going to add to the alphabet, Christmaly? No, but like... A, B, C, D, Christmaly, E, F, G, H. Won't you do your frowny face with me? No, don't you think that it will come to a point? So you see like the Egyptians had hieroglyphics. That was just emojis. Yeah, yeah, but like quite advanced ones.

They'd have like a winky eye. Do you reckon they had an equivalent of the aubergine back then? Just drew really a round mummy. Drawing an aubergine on the Sphinx. It's an aubergine because it's an eggplant and you use your cock to plant eggs I mean that's not

that's a huge stretch that's tenuous I can't remember what the fuck I've had a spliff what do you want from us this is what happens you get what you put in

But they I think it's just more The shape of it Rather than There's some I knew that There's some background to it I didn't think that was the reason

I know man But I think that could come Like the next bit of language That you suddenly You suddenly start writing things Like I don't know How did Shakespeare do it

This is too idiotic This is too I don't know What did Shakespeare do it this is too idiotic this is too how do you think a podcast is no no no but I know Shakespeare probably just uses tape right now

did Shakespeare have tape right now what did they have them then what did Shakespeare use a typewriter 1500 Shakespeare

yeah yeah yeah Elizabethan that means the print press was like around about the same time as Shakespeare he had a tape right now no

he had a quill. Made of wood. I've seen Shakespeare in love. He has a quill. When he's in love, he has a quill. When he's fucking writing a script, he gets a typewriter. I'm going to write a love letter on a fucking typewriter and a fucking script with a quill. When he's being dumped, he just uses Crayola.

Just eats it. No, but that could come like... Because how did he... He's like thanked for language, right? So everyone's like, he did stuff for language, which... Because he done loads of... Every term of phrase that you've ever heard

has come from him. Bird in the hands with one in the bush. Leopard's never changed their socks. Don't cry over split milf. All Shakespeare. Patient zero. Yeah, but... I've genuinely sat there and I thought, don't cry over split milk all Shakespeare patient zero yeah but I've genuinely sat there

and I thought well I was lepers don't change their socks one of these lepers don't change their socks that's what comes up with it but he how did he like

who decides then you change language like do you know what I mean oh when you just evolve it yeah who like who's who's like the you're doing it now like now i mean this is what people are going to listen back to and then we go that's where we get lepers don't change socks from episode like 54 or whatever it is you pay attention to it yeah i'll listen to him I don't have many friends either oh man

we should do some muggles oh should we slag off some muggles it's only been 10 minutes it feels like about 6 hours

I'm glad we didn't do the full pod oh shit let's eh it's no way we'd mention that we're in London right now

and fucking shit kicked off yesterday and eh it was fucking so weird because you don't know about look out the window look at the news it's fucking that close to home it's fucking weird because not to do the whole like oh because i live in south london yeah and like london bridge from north junction near where i live it's 12 minutes there's like bars there i go drinking from here yeah yeah it's like wherever you are in london like it's so central and some minutes from here yeah yeah yeah it's like wherever you are in London like it's so central

and some of the bars and stuff because they're like quite famous bars you go drinking in them and stuff so it's just kind of it's just kind of weird because the news

was so fucking bonkers last night like it looked like London was falling on the news and fuck I was genuinely feeling like

oh shit we haven't got much food in do you reckon they'll have the shops open tomorrow do you reckon a lockdown? Like, will people shut business?

And then people in London just go, nah, they're still going to sell their fucking avocados and sourdough bread and fucking scrambled eggs. But on the way here, I had to go through London Bridge. I had to go through it on a tube. And the stop before it is Borough, and that was closed and London Bridge was closed. But they only announced that at the stop before Borough.

So as they announced it on the tube this bloke just went oh fucking hell and just had to get up and get off the tube to go get a bus that guy's more concerned that he couldn't

get to his destination there's people dying and everyone's just fucking made out in inconvenience isn't it yeah it's I don't know

but what are you meant to do you've got to just carry on just got to get on the tube fuck yeah so you travel across the day and everything's fine everything's cool everyone's still about there was a guy in Fulton Heath But what are you meant to do? You've got to just carry on. Just got to get on the tube. Fuck, yeah.

So you travel across the day and everything's fine. Everything's cool. Everyone's still about. There was a guy in Fulton Heath. The little mosque went out and started. Had a little son that says Jesus, or what is it? Mohammed loves Jesus or something. Yeah.

Hands across the water sort of shit. Yeah, people are being cool. And where are you next? Where are you going from here? Back home. No. What are you doing after here? Back home. No. What are you doing after this? Should we get on it?

No, I'm going on... I feel like we should do the plugs at the end, but fuck it, because we're high. Should we do the plugs halfway through? Are you plugging your gig? Just in case people don't make it to the end of this podcast. I just meant in general. Are you getting out of London? All right.

I thought you were asking me to plug my gig this is weird doing it after that I'm going up to Blythe and I'm doing really fucking chuffed to be I feel like it's a

safe haven like fucking up north in Blythe I feel like it's not a target in any way no one's going to target Blythe

nah no one would notice it's already been hit yeah oh but there's an odd beauty to Blythe

though it's a little windmill. Oh, it's fucking great. The windmill. That's about it. Keeps her going, keeps her sunbeds running. Just a bit near. Oh, right.

What you're looking at is like fucking, just the windmill in Blythe. Oh, that's really good. Power the sunbeds. That's really good of the tan insulins to turn green. Yeah. Oh. I've got a druth. I've got a truth.

You've got a what? Truth. What's a truth? It's a Scottish word. Guess what it means. Truth. Truth. No, but does it mean truth?

No, it's no. Oh. Do you think the Scottish are just saying truth or dare? Yeah, but you know how they just do things. It's a dry mouth.

It's a dry mouth. Dry mouth. It's truth. It was a good thing that I got us some mugs with water in them yes man you didn't have to go

to the pump that's probably where they did their podcast was around the pump they probably just ended up having a chat that was probably where all the gossip

like you know how you have gossip at the water cooler yeah and look at me I'm talking like you I've been with you for five minutes water cooler

cooler you know how yeah you have like sort of gossip around the water cooler. Yeah. Do you reckon that back then it was just like you get to the pump and they'd be like, oh, fucking hell, did you see Marcus earlier? Yeah. Jesus, what's he up to?

He's been a dick. He's seen this massive bike. What a wanker. Shut off. Just pedalling around in front of everyone. I don't know where he gets the money. How did they not work out back then? And that was a bad way to not have two-sized wheels on a bike?

That's what makes me think they're a bit primitive. Yeah, they put a fucking funky wheel on a bike. Back then, because when they had karts and stuff and donkeys would wheel karts, one of the things wasn't bigger than the other, was it? You just had two normal, like... How did the penny farthing even come into place? Were they making a new...

Newcastle? A unicycle? Were they making a new unicycle and then just went, put, like, one little stabiliser on it? What's the penny farthing even coming to place they were making a new castle unicycle well they're making a new unicycle and then just went put like one little stabilizer on it what's the penny

farthing the one with the big wheel and the little wheel oh right that's his name yeah it's got a name I thought it was

just like that big bike penny farthing fucking you see them around now hipsters are a thing

no no one rides those things anymore no one you'll see hipsters on penny farthings I bet you no no one rides them things theysters on penny farms I bet you no

no one rides them things they're probably worth like there's probably the thing of probably one's worth like

10,000 pounds you can knock one out you need to buy a vintage one just have a retro one

you know that's the difference between retro and vintage retro means made to look like it's from the past

but vintage is from the past did Shakespeare come up with that one as well yeah that's what it is.

He has Natalie trying not to act high. Quick, hide under the settee so we don't look high. Close your eyes so she can't see the red. Hello. Hi, Natalie. Hi, Natalie, how are you? Yeah, we're trying not to look high just in case we're in trouble. I'm never in trouble, Team Smug.

Did you go tidy? I did tidy. I pushed the set together made a little box den didn't I we've made a little fort a little fort we pushed the set

together front to front bit sofa bed box den get cosy so we're going to get into muggle corner now but we I want to apologise

for something that I think we've called muggle in the past and that's marking yourself safe we like slagged that off and then last night I want to apologise for something that I think we've called muggle in the past, and that's marking yourself safe. We slagged that off, and then last night I was kind of relying on it. I was just like, check it out, my buddies.

No, but there is a certain time it's muggly, because where I live in Croydon, there was the Croydon tram crash, right? I saw people in Brighton marking themselves safe. So how fucking big do you think this tram is? Yeah. That's when it comes. People are doing it just to like. Yeah, that's when it comes muggly.

People are being ironic with it as well, like marking the format. Like marking themselves while they're in Scotland and shit. I don't know, but it's like I can understand. But now it's a little bit more important. Yeah, with something like last night, it's just like you go, oh, that's like anyone in london oh my god you know i mean because because it's hit an area where people are out no one's going let's go out today should we get the tram in croydon do you know what i mean that's when i think it comes muggly when it's like so regionally yeah it's like if something happened in blithe are you

trying to say it's only okay if it's in london you pretend to fuck the tailwax the dog what happens in london it's important no else in pretend to fuck. Ah, the tail wax the dog. If it happens in London, it's important. No else in the world, just provinces. Fuck those peasants. You fucking piece of shit.

Spit on your dad. Part of that elitist London mark yourself safe catch. So yeah, I didn't want to put that. I want to take that out of Muggle Corner. You should take cricket

out of Muggle Corner as well. Nah. Nah. I'm going to put that I wanted to take that out of Muggle Corner you should take cricket out of Muggle Corner as well nah nah I'm going to put it in Muggle Corner today where are they I've wrote them down somewhere

with my quill fidget spinners no you walked into me fucking flat with a fidget spinner you fucking muggle I did it ironically

but then I've kind of grown to love it I bought it on my way here thinking because I heard on the one Sloss and Gareth did about fidget spinners I thought how funny would it be and from the shop but then I've kind of grown to love it I bought it on my way here thinking because I heard on the one Sloss and Gareth did about fidget spinners

I thought how funny would it be and from the shop to yours I've never known love at first sight but this is it did you just teleport here

you're having so much fun dude I was fighting off so much pussy I was just hitting them with the fidget spinner get back ladies get back and did they get back

I bet they did I had to go buy a separate fidget spinner spin it and throw it in the distance and they all ran after it it was you know you know you know what is it left for dead when you throw the the pipe bomb and it makes a noise and the zombies go after it it was like that but with a fidget spinner yes so the girl's still over there now looking oh yeah they're fighting over it fucking hell cause mayhem. People are going to be marking themselves safe.

This podcast has hit a new level. It was because of fidgets. Spinners. What the fuck? How did that catch on they don't do shit they do mate they spin

you're getting so basic how many times can you you're getting so basic you're so basic where you need everybody that gets a five it used to be

Rubik's Cube that people like to tie themselves with now people are like nah it's coming full circle it's coming soon before you've just got a dice

and you just look at it no because back in the Victorian times they just had them little spinny things and tabletops now we've got fidget spinners soon we're going to have spinning tops yeah soon we're going to have modern water pumps that we can all go back to it's coming full circle that's all it is just coming back around the next thing you know there'll be hipsters on that there'll be a hover bike where

one bit hovers higher than the other. Shit. Shall we slag off some Muggles? That's what I'm doing. You, fidget spinner. But we've already had fidget spinner in Muggle Corner. No, we haven't. It's never been in. Gareth and Sloth's put it in, I'm pretty sure.

Yeah. Nah. Yeah. I thought that's what you were calling back to. No, I thought I was putting it in. Is this going in again? I don't think it's been in yet i'm pretty sure it has been in that should have been it took me too long i know your podcast better than you do

if it isn't in already we've took the right off the ball missing that all right okay so fuck fidget spinners fuck fidget spinners have another 30 seconds again but you can get them 30 seconds to go really quickly if you have a fidget spinner oh shit kicks your sofa um your couch i'm gonna put i'm gonna put myself in the corner here yes muggles watch anime and read manga right because i like i read comics right i'll throw them in there a little bit as well. Is comics like manga? No. Do you know what it is? Manga is like Pokemon came from manga, didn't it? Yeah. I think it came from the anime and stuff, more Pokemon.

I think it was like an anime. It's the same like Yu-Gi-Oh. Because anime is where they've got the big eyes, which I find offensive, by the way. Yeah, anime, I don't know what the exact term is. It's just the Japanese cartoons. But, oh, man, this is super muggly i once went to an anime and manga convention oh no what dress does uh i didn't go dressed as anyone i wore a death note t-shirt though which one uh there's an anime called death note i did it you all match fighting off the pussy again that day you all

to a fucking anime convention oh no i went where the fuck are you it was the most like it is the most muggle like you walk in there and you look around and you know with like a comic book convention i can look at and go oh yeah i can see the fun in that in this one you went oh i'm so one of these people and it's so shameful oh my god and you get excited everyone feel that at once everyone that went to the Muggle Convention, what's it called? Everyone that went to the Muggle Convention. Bestest fucking Muggles. We're fucking Muggle, mate, John.

Just look at each other immediately. Your situational awareness just dawns on you at once and you go, fuck. It was even worse because I bought a fast track ticket to skip the queue.

Oh, what queue? I walked in It was even worse because I bought a fast track ticket to skip the queue. Oh, what a queue. I walked in past all the people. And I was going, if they're the ones who are prepared to queue, what the My Group look like? But you know when people go, oh, but it's the same as if you're into football or something. It's like, nah, it's not. It's not the same.

It's so... So unbelievably niche. Yeah, it's not a niche. the same it's so because it's so unbelievably niche yeah it was not it's not a niche it's like a huge thing but it's when you're like you think it's stale of cartoon it's like not even i'm a cartoon convention i'm going to a specific genre of cartoon convention it covers a huge base this is what people it covers a huge basis but all of the basis is like in one room so you see all the fucked up side of it as well like i remember i was just i was like 13 i was walking around and there was like a hentai part like the porn part and i remember just being like nah it goes it goes filth yeah yeah yeah it goes proper

is that manga that's like that's anime that's like the ones... I don't watch this shit, by the way. You were at a fucking convention when you were a kid. I'm sure that flourishes. I'm sure that graduated some freaky shit by the time you're 21. I wish I hadn't told this story. You dirty bastard. I wish I'd just let fidget spinners slide. Jacking off the cartoons.

I'm going to put myself in the corner. He had Jack off the cartoons. I used to fucking pause street fight I went Chun-Li he was doing a spin kick so I could see him I scared that's not because

he was spinning I was obsessed he's not a spinner oh man because they're fucked up cartoons because I remember before even Facebook

was a thing someone sent us an email with this like manga fucking comic he calls himself a friend she was fucking dad myself for the two by four like a plank of wood like drawing a cartoon it's it's you're pulling your cock off you go to the thing because you go like oh i like naruto which is like a b or i'm

into bleach and then you walk around and you see that bit and you go oh and there's people there casually just casually like buying this shit and it's just like the moment you go oh and there's people there casually just casually like buying this shit and it's just like the moment you go nah you see there's nothing like that at football there'll be there'll be people yeah there's no there's not a porn section yeah yeah there's no there's no one there you know fucking black and white sex toys yeah just black ones are bigger. I go to Crystal Palace, right? I go to Sellers Park a lot.

There's never anyone selling, like, Wilfred Zaha, Jason Punch, and, like, topless sort of weird porn things. It's just like... Otherwise you'd have them up on your wall, you dirty bastard. Oh, fuck, yeah. So, you know, when you were... When I was shaming hentai,

there were, like... There's probably people that listen to this podcast that love a bit of hentai each to their own right? But they're listening now just going kind of dick slow hentai

don't know until you try it. Okay right. But to them I'm sorry for fetish. Send Kai your favourite hentai videos on the Twitter. And hashtag it hentai.

Could you even could you even could you not get banned from like blocked from Twitter for posting hentai oh you can nah Twitter's like

it's a free for all man is it yeah let everyone do their thing on Twitter do you know what I mean Twitter's there's

all shit like ISIS are on Twitter they're not gonna get rid of some cartoons is that bad so yeah I'll put you in Muggle Corner

for fucking several accounts that was serial Mugglery so yes what was it hentai no no

it was just Muggles watch anime and look look I've watched like I get so you've got every layer of it

from Pokemon to porn it's a spectrum of the level of level of him i'm not into the porn of it but like a couple weeks ago one came out called attack on titan series two and like the way i just i told jamali about the other day when he was here and he went oh shit i gotta get home and watch that like and it's just a great impression by the way and it's just like the muggle thing. You know when you go, oh, this is that, and you start texting your mates into it and you start being such idiots. Nearly midnight.

It's just the saddest thing. But that's the point of mugglery. It's something that I enjoy. Yeah, you can indulge in it sometimes. Indulge yourself in the world. Where did I write these down? I've done this before. What, your podcast?

I should hope so. Yes, now and again, I dabble. Muggles use code to go to the toilet. Like, I'm just up for number two. I'm off to spend a penny. What was that last one?

Was that one of Shakespeare's? Spend a penny. Have a pee with Shakespearean. Drop the kids off at the pool. Yeah. Just say you're go to the toilet I love just like going the opposite of that

and going I'm going for a piss out of me cock just so frank who do you say that in front of though like would you ever say that in front of

Natalie's parents go for a piss I never swear in front of them when I do she gives us the list of swear words I used in the time I was with them apparently I called

Susan Boyle a cock block once I couldn't remember I come into the house I say say I didn't swear God is gold she went didn. Apparently I called Susan Boyle a cock block once. I couldn't remember. I used to say, say I didn't swear, good as gold. She went, didn't swear, you called Susan Boyle a cock block.

Say fuck, did I. Susan Boyle, swear word now. Susan Boyle. Scotland, she's a national treasure. Yeah, now people go to

just say you go to I usually just say I go to the loo have you ever just got up and gone and not said anything everyone's there going where the fuck's Elliot gone

just got up I just say I'm going for a piss and then tap my nose or tap your dick and then tap your nose yeah it's definitely muggling

but like but do you reckon there's a reason people do it you have to bleed the radiator to make up new ones just to say

they're like do you reckon there's a thing now where so many people go to the toilet do you reckon people always instinctively think they're off to do a bit of coke especially if you're at

your nan's or something yeah if they know you've done it yeah they just think that's you now yeah yeah like dude like you have that thing where have you ever been like waiting in the toilets of it like in a certain place in edinburgh right and they've names and there's just like a huge queue and you're just playing the game of who's actually using these toilets there's a huge queue for the cubicles and all the urinals are free yeah yeah yeah like how many people in this club need a shit i'm not gonna i'm not gonna eat the nuts at the bar oh what was uh what was the one we were we were at a bar where people thought someone had od'd in the toilets like and there was a big queue of people. The love bar.

Yeah, do you want to take this over? I can't remember. I joined it fucking late on because it was like, there's only three cubicles with no urinals in the love bar toilets. So a lot of people queue and I come in as a massive queue.

And it's always rammed. It's always rammed as well. It's like the bar itself is rammed every bit of it. What had happened before I come in? Had you been in long? No, no. I got in there

and these guys were going, oh, i think someone was od'd in the toilet they've been in there for ages and then like a few other people you know just that sort of like go oh shit like i haven't seen how long this guy's been in the toilet for yeah but these guys are saying it must be kind of serious and then that thing kicks in where you go should i just like leave yeah what am i gonna bring to this situation get a member of staff maybe yeah yeah like should we do something and then

you came in and someone went someone went guys OD'd in the toilet and you just jumped over and I look and went nah he's just having a shit how embarrassing would it have been

to be that guy because it was such a knee jerk as well because someone went we're thinking guys OD'd in the toilet and obviously your first reaction is to have a look like I don't know what I don't know what led you to that but I'm like no stalling like I'm just like fuck because I've done first aid all my life I was a fucking

lifeguard I've done CPR on people and shit out of someone like even suspects that someone's OD'd you don't think like what if I'm what if I'm wrong oh I'm gonna be embarrassed you're like what if I'm right what if he's fucking date so I just jumped up instinctively guys is having a fucking poo number two you should have told someone he was going

and this wouldn't have happened be like oh that's Steve I said on his way out that he sorry I dropped my phone during your rant enjoyed it so much yeah I think that's definitely a muggle quarter people

just say you're going to the toilet yeah or don't I'm like sugar coat I'm going for a little a little bit of a so yes did we put in we put fidget spinners in

didn't we that's in 30 seconds yeah did we put yours in anime anime Did we put in... We put Fidget Spinners in, didn't we? That's in. 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah. Did we put yours in? Anime. Anime. Yes, we put it in. And yes, we're putting in...

Yeah, definitely. Okay. Okay, this one might be controversial. Muggles like slash obsess over Harry Potter. Yeah. Like, to the degree where it's the annoying thing of my generation. So, I think there's a generation of people who grew up with star wars they like star wars right but then there's people like you say something they're like oh actually it was the fucking r2d2 in it and you're just like

yeah dude i i've no other things do you know what i mean like that's the bit of thing you know about i can tell you about the crystal palace score yeah don't yell at me for that i think harry potter's the one of my generation that we're gonna be like it really is because i was in uh it's partland i can't remember where i was i was near tom's house but i looked on the map to see where i was and saw there was the muggle tour so there was a place like uh that done a tour for muggles like where it's called the muggle tour the muggle tour right It's called the Muggle Tour? The Muggle Tour. So I could see it on my map

and I took a screencap of it because I thought that's hilarious. Do you think it's just different corners of places where people have stood? Absolutely. I took a screencap of it and I was like, it's like a fucking podcast.

But then it dawned on us, that's an actual Muggle Tour that muggles will attend to look at muggle things, to go, this is Harry Potter doing this and this is where the fucking bus come through and what the fuck

it's so muggles are using the muggle tour with no sense of irony but I don't get it when people go to these places and it looks like what it looks like

on a film and they're so shocked and you go go to the cobbles yeah you're like it's like they filmed it there or something isn't it

like it's different if you see something like the Empire State Building because that's iconic yeah like i've always had a problem with sloss not going to the eiffel tower yeah it's like an iconic thing he wouldn't go to the eiffel tower because he said you google it oh fucking idiot but but like i go from king's cross station quite a lot whenever i get up north and there's platform nine and three quarters there's a little shop there and people are stood queuing and you're like yeah what the fuck are you actually doing like why are you doing this it looks exactly like they use it on the film

the luggage trolley going through the wall halfway through it and you get like there's so many photos of people throwing one leg up in the air as if they're getting pulled away by the trolley I am more likely to unfriend that on Facebook than if I see someone share

an EDL post like the EDL post I think like wow what's made them think why do they think they should share that but that I think

I don't want Facebook to become an echo chamber let's keep this person here to find out what some people actually think it's fucking keep your enemies close

yeah rather than Harry Potter like if you put you have no value to me if you put if for school it says you went to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry

do not breed when says school of Google what church of Google I think I've heard just write what school you went to just

just stop trying to I wonder if people come and try and nonson us? I don't think you would have ever had that problem. I've seen photos of you as a kid. I tried on with blocks of names. Fucking Abbey Chase and them. And them sweets.

Trying to get the mechanic to get into the back of my van and have a look at these puppies. And none of it yeah Harry Potter definitely especially when you see with the election coming up right and I say Theresa May

like wins whatever someone's going to share something like oh that's like when Miss Huggley Pufferty became prime what is it

head of Hogwarts or something and you're like yeah it's almost as if it draws from real life that book that people take over

from other people what did you I'm so glad I couldn't remember that head teacher's name because it was on the tip of my tongue and I nearly just went

oh Mrs. you know Daniel's listening to this screaming right now which is the exact muggle we were talking about you fucking muggle

he's such a muggle I'm such a hazard pass affair oh god you queued up to see the film absolute dressed as Harry Which is the exact muggle we were talking about. Your fucking muggle. He's such a muggle. I'm such a has a pass of fat. Oh, God. You're queued up to see the film. Absolutely. Dressed as Harry. He's named a section of the podcast after something from Harry Potter.

He put a fucking, he drew the tattoo on his fucking cheek or whatever it is. And it was the head. Don't get me wrong. When I was a kid, I think the first Harry Potter film, I went to see loads of times with loads of different people. But I was four. There was a date when you were four.

Yeah, oh man. I was a good looking kid. Given, you know. I could have done with some of your looks when I was in the back of the van trying to get Keith in. But then I was like four or five when that came out.

So that was that was acceptable but you know when it's like that means you're not making the decision that means your parents took you millions of times

they're like fucking waterboarding you with it no one there fucking hated they used it as a form of torture no I love

look it's one of the things I don't read books but I made it to the fifth book of Harry Potter and like got through a bit of the sixth one and then your dad

stopped reading it because you were 21 do you know the real reason why I stopped reading them the films caught up to me and I thought I could save everyone a bit of time

that's going to be tough because I've read the Game of Thrones books ahead of Game of Thrones forever until now and now when the next book comes. That's going to be tough because I've read the Game of Thrones books ahead of Game of Thrones forever until now. And now when the next book comes out, I'm going to be reading a book and I know what happens.

I've never watched Game of Thrones. It's worth it. I know. Get done a little plug. A little plug for Game of Thrones. If there's any listeners, I would like to give a shout out to our mates, HBO. Get them a little bit of traffic.

The bulls on us on this podcast they better fucking plug us at the end of Game of Thrones they better do you reckon that's how you get a comedy special you have to plug HBO on your podcast

and we get a retweet could everybody tweet HBO and let them know that we mentioned them get them a little bit of a plug they don't want to contact them it looks needy

send them your favourite hentai videos I think you could tweet to HBO some cartoon fucking porn of people dadding themselves

with driftwood but you know there'll be like Harry Potter hentai and shit now oh will there that's Daniel I've got a projector

I'm just getting a new projector let's get it on Daniel's just paused the podcast and he's back yeah no is that in the corner what was it

kind of muggles they were hitting Rambalack we ended up back in Hentai we shouldn't we shouldn't have smoked that joint

it was obsessing over Harry Potter I don't think you can do that with anything like I mentioned going to the cobbles at Corrie if you're fucking so into Corrie the co it was obsessing over Harry Potter I don't think you can do that with anything like I mentioned going to the cobbles at Corrie if you're

fucking so into Corrie that like the cobbles etc yeah but Harry Potter is the one that most people I've got a dude that's got a bit of

the fucking carpet from only fools and horses up in his house he's got it on the wall he's got a carpet on the wall did he just do

like how did he get it he fucking bought it in an auction or something at a convention yeah you see stuff like that I don't I don't get like like obsessing so much over a thing that you're like don't get me wrong like i can understand like buying i've done it i i'm one

of them fucking nerds i've bought like an action figure i do things like that but like if you bid like one of these people pay like 20 000 pound for a you know bank loans because there's a signed daniel radcliffe onesie or something i don't know you do know though that we're shooting ourselves properly in the foot now for the future when we start releasing merch on the podcast and people will just be saying like getting obsessed with something to the point of having that shit no like if people have got that trolley token with muggins and cream on which is love by the way no but uh but no but what i'm saying is that's different i'm saying if you're one of these people who have to buy the actual thing from the do you know what i mean like if you have to go

oh this is one of the boxing gloves that robert de niro wore in raging bull yeah like hundred thousand pounds yeah but that kind of stuff i Daniel has got a bit of the film reel from the Dark Knight is it the Dark Knight where Heath Ledger is in yeah

and it's mounted the bit of the film reel signed by Heath Ledger oh is that Mugglery is that awesome oh okay because now it's

in the realm of being fucking awesome right but if you if you if you don't like Batman that's Muggle yeah people are going

to be looking that's Muggle oh really, people are going to be looking at you. That's Muggle. Oh, really? Batman, the guy from 10 Things I Hate About You? That would be funny. Are you going to say it about that? If he looks at it one day, he's like, this is the singing scene from 10 Things I Hate About You.

He goes to play it one day when he's an old man because you can only watch it once before the thing's destroyed. And he's on his deathbed and it's just a scene from 10 Things I Hate About You. Oh, what was the song? There's muggles screaming there. This is the song. Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.

That wasn't it, was it? No, that was one of Shakespeare's. Sixpence was from Shakespeare's time. I don't know facts. So, what did we put in the corner before we went off on a tangent? Harry Potter. Harry Potter. I've been obsessive Muggles.

So I've got one more to put in, don't I? I've got one more as well. Yes. Look away. Muggles, look away. It's scary bits in movies Natalie did it

the other night watching Split and the scary bit was about to happen she's like in the locker he's hunting her down and she just like looked away

and buried her head I was like gonna miss the movie I don't know who's muggler because isn't that like enjoying something isn't that getting

so into something it's the opposite isn't it no that's enjoying something so much you're not gonna watch it no that's you're in the moment I'm enjoying this meal so much just scraping the bin no because it isn't it? No, that's getting, If you're enjoying something so much, you're not going to watch it. No, that's, you're in, you're in the moment. I'm enjoying this meal so much,

the script and the bin. No, because it's, because it's intense. Like, it's like, if you, if you give us a reaction to something,

because this is what we do, getting people to give a reaction. Yeah. Like, these things just take a mess. I reckon if, if the director saw people look away from the film, it's like,

oh my God, this seems tense. Oh, that's a result. That's a result. Like, so, I wouldn't say it's,

actually, yeah, no, fuck it. It's Oh, that's a result. That's a result. Like, so I wouldn't say it's... Actually, yeah, no, fucker. It's Muggle. Pure Muggle. Watch the film. Just watch the fucking film. Because there's a bit there, tap, Tommy, tap, from Warriors. Oh.

And did you miss that whole scene? Because his arms... Spoiler alert, he was in an armbar. He had his arm, like, fucking bent backwards. I thought you were talking about the you said warriors warriors come out

yeah I was like and when you were like there was the bit he's in an arm bar I was like I don't remember it ever being

I don't remember Jiu Jitsu being invented back then got him in a Kamara warrior oh right warrior

sorry unnecessary plural she looked away at the arm breaks the whole the whole Kamara scene she just didn't watch it until there was a dialogue scene afterwards. And then she watched it back. I was like, you missed half the movie.

Yeah, I don't know. I think that's a bit... Yeah, I think it's mugglery. Protecting yourself, wrapping yourself up. I don't know. I think it's a trait. I think it may be harsh as a mugglery, but it's definitely a trait. Yeah, I feel like we've been really mean about Natalie.

This is a shame that Natalie was the example because I don't cuddle up with anybody else andugglery, but... Yeah, I feel like we've been really mean about Natalie. Yeah, it's a shame that Natalie was the example because I don't cuddle up with anybody else and watch movies, so how else would I know? Daniel again, just screaming at the podcast. What about the time I got scared at finding Nemo? Yeah, at the bit on Michael where Macaulay Culkin got chased by bees. He would have been a baby. I don't think he would have been born

when Michael was out. Oh, we could have still watched it, though. We didn't have to watch the premiere. That's the thing with films. They show them once, and that's it. That's why Daniel bought that bit of The Dark Knight.

Well, ten things. show them once and that's it that's why daniel bought that bit of the dark night yeah no i think i think you're right i think i think it is sort of muggle so it's it's when people go and watch a scary film you like you see when some like paranormal activity comes out like the first time that came out it was all this hype of oh my god look at the cinema people's right such a clever bit of marketing. Like, look at these people's reaction and people looking away screaming. And I bet if you tell people, this film's terrifying, it's scary, people do that because I remember going to see it and I was 13. I wasn't meant to get in. I went with my dad and we watched it and we enjoyed it. But there was no bit where we were going, do you know what?

With your dad hiding behind you. Yeah, yeah. Culling behind you. Save me, yeah. Did he come running behind you? Save me, son. Yeah, he... Big screen. No, he just talked about his preview all the way through it.

That happened. Tell them what happened. Before I did this podcast, I got to Kai's and I thought, because I live in London and everything that's happened, I thought, I better ring my mum.

You hadn't been able to get to her mum. Yeah, I hadn't been able to get through to my mum. So I thought, oh, let me try again. Couldn't get through. So I rang my dad and went, hey, dad heard of mom and my dad for three minutes told me about

a preview he had where he thought he was on at two turned out he was on at 12 so he was stuck in croydon so missed his slot but then went all maverick like the hero he is and said why don't we just do it inside the pub outside of the studio bit right so there's a little studio bit in the pub where you could do a preview. Did it there. Told me about his bits that work. Ended his story. And I went, did you hear off mum?

And he went, oh yeah, she called me after. For three minutes, kept me in suspense. That's a proper comic. He's just like, there's a terrorist hit where a relative may be hurt. But first things first, preview. Did you hear my bit about it? Let's get this off your chest while I'm thinking about it. Yeah, this absolute king muggle.

So, but I was there, reacted the most to a movie that I've reacted in a while. It was Trainspotting 2. I fucking loved it. I've never seen it yet. Probably on the edge of my seat with it flinching and shit in the air properly laughing out loud

there's a bit where spoiler it's not a thought spoiler but I've not I've not seen it why are you doing this it's a funny bit but why are you doing this

right okay fine fine go on tell me because I'm curious no but now I'm worried about the listeners alright if you're

if you're listening and you don't want to know a fun scene from Trainspotting look away now the bit where he's trying to kill himself with a carrier bag over his head but then he spews up he fills the carrier bag with spews that bit happens spoiler that's how it ends that's not how it ends just a funny bit I didn't know how that bit happens. Spoiler, that's how it ends.

That's not how it ends. It's just a funny bit. I didn't tell you who. All right. You're going to tell me after the podcast. I know what you're going to do. I know what you're like. I'm not doing spoilers for movies.

That's not even muggly spoilers. It's cunny. I don't even know if I crossed the line there. I'm very like, let's talk about that for a bit. Because I hate spoilers so much, right right when I was reading Game of Thrones people used to put up spoilers from the TV show but I knew what was

happening after that so I would DM them with spoilers from what's happening so I used to fuck people because I hate it I think it's actually a really mean thing

to do with a spoiler so let's discuss was that a spoiler that I told you slightly the worst I ever had how pernickety do people get about it? Do you know what it is?

It's because I like going into something like, when I go watch a film, there was an anime film called Your Name, which I just recommend to everyone. It was one of my favourite films of last year. It's a great film. But I went into it knowing nothing, just hearing,

this is by the studio that have done these other films you like. It's a really good film, and didn't even research it. Didn't know what it was about. So didn't know what it was about. And just for not knowing what it was about, made it fucking all that much more better. I was like, I watched Titanic.

I thought that, Jerry Flight 93, what is it? The United 93. I've never seen it. Have you not? I don't even know the news story. Did we put that in yeah people who look away you put it way away

so I think that's like a really valid point you made though about you're reacting to something like you're reacting to like the director

would love it that you're hiding your face in a scary place yeah yeah they'd think oh I've got it to work but then if you saw

the end of Split you would turn away and walk out because the end of Split you would turn away and walk out because the end of that film is do you like the end no spoilers I'm not doing spoilers

I thought you were just being like silly because at the end of the film you'd walk out like what I'm just going to hang around

that film was so good not a chance I am walking out on that movie I'm going to sit here and starve what a good movie

yeah I think that's definitely in the corner right let's stop talking about movies alright so I

got one more muggle yes you do okay you're gonna I think you're gonna like this one because this is

one that's kind of you know me so well you know my mind. Muggles tell others what to do in a combat sport without ever having done a combat sport. There's a lot of big... Or in the gym or if you're doing some... You know what I mean?

You know when you're in the gym and you're doing something and you tell someone you're going to the gym and then they go, the exercise you want to do is this? And you're like, no, because you you're going to the gym and then they go the exercise you want to do is this and you're like no because you don't go to the gym that yeah there's a lot of talk as especially with nutrition like i was getting right in nutrition and health and fitness and everything a lot of people would give us like nutritional advice and i'm looking at them thinking well i've got results from the stuff i'm doing so why are you trying to tell me i'm doing it wrong and I should be doing it a different way yeah it's like my thing

like a it's like with a protein shake thing like I had a few people tell me you need to get protein shakes and then I spoke to people who knew about it

rather than getting off sloths and was going oh you gotta get protein shake like I then spoke to he's like

banging on over you getting protein shake but I bet you like he didn't even check the fucking back of the box the back of the tub and he's just banging on over you getting protein shake but he didn't even check the fucking back of the box the back of the tub and he's just got one

with like tons of sugars in it so that's that's why I've asked you what's the protein thing that you get what's the place you go to because he goes for the tastiest one

just ends up with a milkshake and now to add the Oreos getting fit's delicious but like you know with something like Muay Thai like I've only done it for a little bit

I've been doing it two months so I mean no way would I give anyone advice on it do you know what I mean but it's when you speak to someone who's never

done it and they go oh the way to throw a kick and you're like everything that I'm looking at you doing there I know how to beat that without even realistic it's armchair knowledge about something you have to immerse

yourself in you can't like talk like i don't know how to wear it like someone's swimming and you're talking about swimming isn't going to be able to teach you how to swim yeah like you need to get in the water and figure it out you can't know all of the technique but not get in yeah right otherwise you're still going to be a shit swimmer. You could learn all of the mechanics of how to be a good swimmer. Right? So it's like that.

So they have like, studied something by watching it but not immersed themselves in it. And then they're trying to pass on knowledge as if they know how to do it. Yeah, it's like, it's like similar with football.

Like, otherwise, I watch a lot of football. Yeah. I can, I can see when players are even doing, like when they're, you know,

pressing a back line, see things like that. I'm still shit at football. Do you know what I mean? You know what, I can't, I can't when plays are even doing, like when they're, you know, pressing a back line, see things like that. I'm still shit at football. Do you know what I mean? You know what I can't, I can't, you know when there's tactics on and someone's complaining

about the tactics of the team and say the tactics should be shit like that. I look at it again, I wouldn't know what the fuck to do. No. I wouldn't know what tactics. There's so many things that you don't even comprehend.

It's like, I'm not learning on this. Like, I'll watch some football, but I can't, I'm not as knowledgeable, like. It's when, like, you've got Jamie Carragher and stuff there afterwards talking about things, and they go, he should be doing this run and that player doing this run,

and you just go like, oh, he looked all right where he was to me. I wouldn't have known what to do. And there's some bit like dude in a pub that's never played football in his life thinking he knows better. Yeah. Shout at the telly. Yeah, it's just people do that. Do you know the tactics? if they put you in charge

right now would you fix this but people love to just be in a conversation it's like that but it's especially annoying with things like combat sports or like boxing

you know when people go oh with boxing the way to and like you go nah you just sort of gotta leave let them believe their

thing and be like but you just sit there and go yeah you just humour it right yeah you can't. It's fucking muggly though. My mate was telling me about,

he was doing this thing we were just talking and he was like, I forgot to fight, I'll do this and I just watched him do it and I went, but you've exhausted

like half your energy there in just doing that. Like there's no. Like half of it was a handstand. Why have you got on your knees? You spin around on your back, not the turtles. But luckily, I don't need to do Muay Thai anymore because I've got my fidget spinner.

Yes, you do. Attack people. Well, I do need to learn it because people are going to come up and try to steal my fidget spinner off me. They're very valuable. In the future, when people are getting vintage ones instead of retro ones

you know you can buy a fidget spinner on 2200 for 100 quid but you for 100 quid inflation inflation just stopped that sounds pretty reasonable but if you want one from 2017

you're going to have to spend a million bucks I don't know I don't know what I'm saying muggles Reasonable in 2000. But if you want one from 2017, you're going to have to spend a million bucks as well. I don't know what I'm saying. Muggles try and teach you shit when they haven't even tried it. That's what we're saying. Yeah, muggles teach you things when they've never done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Armchair knowledge is bullshit. And that's us done with muggles, right? Done with muggles now. Should we get straight into dad jokes yes right do you want to go first yeah let me just find him

ok cool Kai your dad took his passport when he went to Chinatown because he can't eat with chopsticks your dad got dumped by text Because he can't eat with chopsticks. Your dad got dumped by text. Oh, no. Is that TB? It was just a crying emoji and then a sign through it

and then the aubergine symbol with like note with a cross for it your dad got upset by the local mosque because when they asked him to take his shoes off he got excited

because he thought he was going on a bouncy castle did you get in a trouble for that? nah your dad's shit stained thong Did you get in control for that? Nah. Your dad's shit-stained thong still on me bedroom floor? Your dad was the only lad in at my late in life. Fuck context.

Oh, I would have done this. Fuck context. Elliot was doing a difficult live for context oh I've done this for context Elliot was doing a difficult gig late night show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

I was 17 or something you were 17 yeah is there any lads in your dad didn't have the courage

no lads in he was there but he didn't have the courage you're on your own mate but your dad never has batteries on his TV remote

because the charger's fucked on his vibrator when am I going to get a TV remote with a charger by the way fucking changing batteries on TV remotes just fucking plug it in

it's 2017 just download the app and use your phone can you do that yeah see my generation fidget spinners and apps fucking legend

your dad can't wait till I'm young your dad draws his own hentai of the family oh mate Your dad draws his own hentai. Of the family. Oh, man. I definitely want to know what I look like in my dad's hentai cartoon. Dad, if you're listening. Draws a hentai of me.

Tweet us. At Kay Humphries. At HBO. Tweet us at Kai Humphries at HBO. Your dad goes to Tiger Tiger with a birthday sash on and a balloon when it's not even his birthday just so he gets free shots. He's a smart man. Business man. He goes there and tells them about the previews he just done.

Your dad listens to the Guilty Feminist podcast. With a heart on. Your dad has hot wet lips. How do you know that? Because I get lost in them for hours. What are you? He does have hot wet lips though. Mark, if you're listening listening your dad has a framed

picture of Milo Yiannopoulos that he kisses before going to bed who's that Milo Yiannopoulos you ever heard of him who is it

I hope the listeners are just laughing spoiler alert who Milo Yiannopoulos Big Ed yeah he's kind of like he's kind of like I've seen people

talking shit about him he's like that free speech dude who's like you know he kind of had some good points where he's kind of like he's kind of like I've seen people talking shit about him he's like that free speech dude who's like you know he kind of had some good points where he's like oh I'm doing free speech

and then he'll go say something and you go yeah don't just say that for the sake of saying it it's a shock yeah yeah what did my dad say about him

what does your dad do yeah what did my dad say about him I don't know who he is dad doesn't say anything he doesn't let anyone know he listens he just pulls out a little picture

kisses it turns over and Linda goes what was that nothing nothing love dad doesn't say anything he doesn't let anyone know he listens he just pulls out a little picture kisses it turns over and Linda goes what was that he goes nothing nothing love just thinking of you and just

thought of kissing just kissing yeah while I'm thinking about you she's like stand up Kev your dad your dad twirls his hair and strokes the stem of the wine glass

while he's talking to us What's with all these Your dad jokes between you and him Because I know Because I had lunch with him on Tuesday After football Thank god you added that bit to it Because people would

Guys bring in some truthful dad jokes this week Truth our dad Guy's bringing some truthful dad jokes this week Truth I died Your dad signed up to plenty of fish After his goldfish died And was really disappointed Just got his dick sucked Wanted to get his fish wet Your dad spent your child support money on new maps on Call of Duty. He just wanted to play the new Zombies, but...

He wouldn't even let me have a go. He'd let you watch. He'd let you stay up late and watch them. He told me one of the controllers was on, and that it was actually me playing. He opened it before Christmas. He's still giving it here for Christmas, but he didn't play it for a week. He didn't open it. He opened the box, he didn't open the present.

Why would you wrap it first? What, the Call of Duty maps? You don't get them in a treasure box. I meant the game, the game box. Fuck off. You get them in a treasure box. Yeah, that's what happens. You have to go to a game, you buy a map.

So you have to go where X marks the spot and you have to dig. Just hope no one else gets there before you. I got a bit whimsical, didn't I? Let's get back on track. That's what your dad does. We had child support. Your dad shares David Avocado wolf posts.

Keep seeing people I don't know do you know that like do you know that guy on Facebook he's like always sharing stuff like he'll share

something like it'll be a post like today is a day and tomorrow is a day remember these are all days and it's meant to be motivational yeah yeah yeah

and then but then if you look into this guy he believes like if you eat the chocolate and the sun are connected and shit like that. Like,

like string theory. Anyway, your dad likes his page and sends him messages asking for a new promotional, what promotions he's got on. Now I hope he gets it. Your dad's in a WhatsApp group

called Bros Before Whores. It was originally It was originally Him and his girlfriend But his girlfriend left it So he just renamed it And then he added his uncle Not his uncle

Your uncle His brother actually Your dad reckons He was in the same class As the Kray twins They went to They went to Bedlington High School They get about Popped up north Laying low And a proper rough childhood They went to They went to Bedlington High School Yeah

They got a belt Popped up north Laying low And a proper rough childhood Your dad can count on one time Your dad can count on one hand How many times he's been laid this year While wearing boxing gloves

And he's been laid four times While wearing boxing gloves Oh You got any more? No, what? Oh, did I do 11? I think you did 11, mate. I've got 11. Wait, your dad's running around London

making siren noises trying to scare off the terrorists. That's how he knew my mum was fine he just did it around her that was his preview my dad's not the comic you're thinking of alright so let's plug where we're going next

if anyone can send me hentai dad wink wink alright so let's plug where we're going next and before we plug where we're going next if anyone can send me hentai dad wink wink someone someone draw Kai hentai

and send it to get all your fans to do that so I'm going to be in Blythe Punch Drunk with Adam Bloom Dan Alexander Alison June Smith and

Gav Humphries is going to do an open spot at all of the gigs yeah my brother's going to get up he's going to do it because he got up and done stand up before before he started promoting just because he wanted to

give it a go he wasn't pursuing it as a career he just kind of wanted to see what we'd all been going through and put himself through the like the fucking fear aspect of it i'd love to see gav do stand up but he got a bit of a bite for it he'd done a few gigs then took on promoting so hasn't done any in between but he's going to get up and do them at home crowd oh that'd be amazing i'd love to see gav do stand up yes so i'm looking forward to get up and do them at Home Crowd oh that'd be amazing I'd love to see Gav do stand up yes so I'm looking forward

to seeing that and seeing all my homies and um so Blithe Monday Bedletton Tuesday Ashington Wednesday Thursday

we are in Cramlington and then on Saturday I'm back to London to do Set List in Soho Theatre which Stephen K Amos is on and many others

Mitch Benn Gordon Southern and Felicity Ward oh sweet it's all good it's all happening so that's this week

what you got? I've got on Wednesday I'm doing a preview of Sheffield on the Blunderbuss I don't want to do that either that's definitely one you want to go to then

yeah on Thursday any London based people I'm at Top Secret doing a free preview on Friday I'm in Bournemouth

don't worry you don't have to worry about that someone else is promoting it and on Saturday I'm doing a preview in Kettering

in the afternoon for some reason but if you want to come to any of them things check my Twitter check my Facebook so there's them

and a little shout out for our guys at HBO if you watch Game of Thrones just give them things check my Twitter little shout out for our guys at HBO if you watch Game of Thrones just give them a few extra numbers I'll say my Twitter yeah

it's Elliot Stillcom is that it yeah follow me HBO Muggins out