Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 54 Creams Can Come True

Episode Date: June 15, 2017

Muggins in Cream are both in Edinburgh preparing for their Edinburgh previews and took a short break from their writting to return to the podcast after a short while on seperate roads. They try to work out if Kai is old or poor (probably both) when he reminisces about his black and white TV. After a short spliff break both of their dreams come true. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Tickle in the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Dreams can come true.

Muggins, muggins, muggins. I don't even know that song. I'm going to assume it's Dreams Come True. I've followed the formula that far. It's Gabrielle. Who's Gabrielle? She had one eye, but she wasn't left eye. So she had a right eye?

Maybe. She wore like a hair cross at eye, but never showed an eye. But she might have't left eye. So she had her right eye? Maybe. She wore like a hair cross that eye but never showed her eye. But she might have had an eye. Is that not... Maybe. Because left eye did that

but did she not have a patch, Gabrielle? I don't know who you're talking about. You don't dream... Look, we're in this information circle right now.

I don't know the song nor the person. Wow. How long ago was this? I used to listen to this because my mum used to let us use the colour TV downstairs. Wait. Wait, hold on. Why was the word

coloured specified there? Because I had a black and white TV in my room. No, you didn't. I did. How old are you? 33. Two little crippled ducks. That's way too late in life to have a... Way too late in this century To have a black and white television

I don't know Black and white TV Still running Or were you just Were you that much Of a fucking Newcastle fan I had the tune Fucking loyal

Loyal Even the TV's mate I had the tune And then the dial And then the dial come off So you had to get your fingers Right in the thing And turn it

And the black and white TV Would like I am almost certain That that is a time when black and white tvs were definitely not existing anymore they didn't have a remote but i had one in my room obviously like i had a colour tv downstairs all my life but we couldn't afford two my mom was only being paid thruppence on the street she actually just turned the colour down i'm not paying for colour i'll pay for the street you should actually just turn the colour down I'm not paying for colour

I'll pay for the electricity but it's bonus for the colour it was cheaper for your TV license if you had a black and

white TV was it I think so I remember that as a thing but we had a colour what flippy flash

so obviously when I'm playing on my PS1 wait you're playing no hold on you're playing PlayStation 1 in black and white.

Oh, no, because it was with the Amiga. This is a different era. This is when I was young. I used to... This isn't... I may be a little bit high right now. But... Shall we introduce the podcast?

I never played on my PS1 on the black and white telly. Right. I had it before that. I played on my Amiga on it. But I just don't understand why you had a black and white television. Because it was in my room. That's not any form of... I'm not going to let us take the fucking main telly upstairs.

Just get another colour one. I don't... This isn't like a rich privilege fucking thing. I think it is. I just... No, it's not. I just... Your time was not in the time when black and white TVs were around.

Like, you're not 50. My mum and dad didn't even have black and white TVs, I don't think. Dude, there was inkwells in the desks at school. We never used them. Right. We never used them, but the inkwells were there. Have I told you that about me dad used to use the inkwells? Have I told you that?

Is he that old? So I was telling this story about how there was inkwells in my desk in school. And I was like, oh, they were just a relic from a previous generation. We never used them. And my dad was like, I'm just a relic from a previous generation we never used them and my dad was like I'm sure I've used this as a bitch before um my dad went oh when I was a kid in school we used to use the ink wells in fact I would come a little bit early and fill up the ink for the other kids at school I was like my dad's the ink bitch oh give me an ink bitch oh, the ink bitch Fuck me, man

Wait, surely the ink well Was just for putting Your pot of ink in Yeah, you fill the ink well So was it stained All the time then? It must have been Well no, I think the ink well

Was just for putting For your little pot of I think he was doing A joke on you Plastic hadn't been invented What? Plastic hadn't been invented Glass, you daft cunt

I'm not going to give kids glass I'm pretty I'm almost certain That inkwell was for The glass pot of ink Did they use a quill Or did they use a cartridge pen It's your dad

Well not a cartridge They would use a cartridge pen With an inkwell To cartridge it So anyway I remember I must have been I went downstairs

And played all my computer games On the black and white telly On the colour telly And all I remember Is my mum used to play Gabrielle. So, because that was a compromise, I couldn't have the sound on. Because she was listening to our tunes. So I had to play with the sound off.

What, and her old fucking, what's the... But I'm sure I played Final Fantasy VII. That's why I said my PS1. Because every time I hear a Gabrielle song, I think of Final Fantasy VII. Because I've put in hundreds and hundreds of hours to the Gabrielle anthem. Do you get that connection with stuff um occasionally uh yeah like I mean the stand music like so that they stand comedy club I think it's an Elvis tune but that'll come on in places that aren't the stand comedy club and you get a little bit And a little bit of you just go, and you'll jolt like. Oh, I'm due on stage. Yeah, something like that.

That's always one that gets me. Same with, I mean, the kids by MGMT was just, that's what I constantly fucking walked out to. Yeah, the first tour.

Yeah. So whenever I get that, I just regress to being not that good at comedy. Do the shaving job. Which I should, I can't do anymore. I've got to fucking...

Should we introduce the podcast first and then our third guest? Yes. Well, welcome to the podcast. This is Muggins Balboa and Apollo Cream. Oh, I hate this so much. It's Sloss and Humphries on the road. And we're actually back together. Huh?

It's actually Sloss and Humphries on the road. The past couple of weeks has been Muggins with someone Yeah you've had no friends have you I've got a friend Let's introduce the third guest of the podcast Daniel's beard It's not glorious It's definitely not glorious

What's that one eyed pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean Gabrielle I never in my life thought that would end in some form of callback what's his fucking name he's also in the office Stephen Merchant

what no Stephen Merchant Stephen Merchant was also not in the office anyway I look like the one I'd pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean

right because I've just got a natural goatee no you don't what you do I mentioned this last night at our work of progress gig is that you used to do a joke

about looking like Kevin McCallister and you would like slap your face and do the Macaulay Culkin Home Alone thing don't slap my face you would like

slap your face like you're half the shape and be like ahhh so great material from it's better when I do it

no but now you look like Macaulay Culkin after Michael Jackson cuddled him no yeah the meth

the meth yeah the meth no meth is you know I do look a bit it's just because it's not so basically

what's happened is you think you look like Jack Stella but you look like Macaulay Culkin who's Jack Stella Jackson Teller from

it's every reference that they're going to go from could you just do anything from You think you look like Jackson Teller, but you look like Macaulay Culkin. Who's Jackson Teller? Jackson Teller from... Is every reference today going to go from... Could you just do anything from any... Is Sons of Anarchy? Oh, don't watch that. Scary cut. I thought it was called Sons of Conformism, you would. Sons of Liberal Agenda.

Yeah, basically, because I've always wanted a beard when I came back from Australia I was like I've got two months off let's just see what happens and turns out not much

but I'm hoping that like certain you know like TV seasons like it gets good at a certain episode

you know people always say watch the first three episodes of shit but then it really gets into it episode four I'm kind of hoping that's my facial hair

because so far it's been a month and it's fucking horrendous but I'm really hoping it just fucking kicks in at some point like if you're growing your hair longer

like there's that awkward middle stage maybe this is the middle stage because at the moment I've gone too far I've not got any TV or any important

gigs coming up no offence Livingston the gigs we're doing this weekend I've got no important gigs coming up so offence Livingston the gigs we're doing this weekend I've got no important gigs coming up so I'm just like

fuck it let's just give them I've got two months of grace so see if you can get it in by the fringe aye I thought they were just using

Just For Men on it because they could put a wispy little blonde thing well dying it genuinely considered it but I've thought all this through I was going to dye it

but then I figured when it did grow Because the goatee bit Does grow It would come in colour It would just Go from light to dark Because the roots

Would still come in the same And it would just look like Some fucking But you've got highlights Highlights at the wrong end In my fucking Shitty wispy stash So

Can you get What? Can you get, what? Go on, can you get just for men ginger? Oh, I don't think so. Because no one's

getting great ginger and going, oh, let's put the ginger back and I'm just going to miss it. Like, genuinely, can you get

just for men ginger? There must be, like, if you're a natural, you know, abomination. You think people are dying

to have ginger? I don't think so. Because if you're going to use just for men, just be a normal. If you're a ginger and you're going bald, you're like, well, fucking. If you're going to use Just for men Just be a normal If you're a ginger And you're going bald

You're like well fucking You're not going to use Just for men If you're going bald You're using a bath patch Oh no sorry grey Colouring your bath patch You fucking idiot

Can gingers go grey Or do you go yellow Yeah Go grey Alright well yeah If you're a ginger Going grey You'd

Obviously Salt and paprika Like I'm so Annoyed that I laughed At that I'm so annoyed that I laughed at that. I'm really glad you did. It made us feel warm. Where were we going?

What was it? What about... I was going to get onto a point. You were talking about your beard. Oh, my great beard. Yes, I'm just going

to give it a while and see what happens but the continued support from all my friends and family is very important in this special time. So make donations

by texting 81224. This is actually the opposite of Movember. People are getting cancer to make me shave this. Do a head shave so you can get extensions. How do you shave your head when you use them as extensions? Just stick

yourself to the sideburns. That'd be a long That'd be like a fucking That'd be a long moustache I'd have to like Peel them open like curtains To eat food Yeah Sticking them up

Would be like a little long core It'd be like your Your 70's Sam Oh yeah I'd burn the sides I thought that was gonna be Another reference that you missed No I got that one

I didn't know he was ginger You know for fucking ages Cause he was in black and white I'll set them up You knock them down I've got to open the window because it's getting

hot in here so I was going to tint my eyebrows because I've got these transparent eyebrows they're actually quite bushy

but I was going to tint them because we've just got sponsored by beautician blush sponsored punch drunk I thought you meant this podcast

I was like this is how we like your last podcast you broke it to me broke thought you meant this podcast. I was like, this is not way. Like your last podcast, you broke it to me, broke it to me. Told me that I was your best man. Broke it to you. Oh, what an accidental dick move. You're holding such low steam.

You and Matty had a get together, didn't you? Yes, me and your... Pause that, about my eyebrows. I was going to get it done, but then I'd lose a joke because I do the joke where I put a hat on and I look terminally ill. You do, yeah. But then if I looked sexy instead, I wouldn't look terminally ill. So I didn't tint them. You reckon your eyebrows are the one thing holding you back from looking sexy?

What do you mean? You reckon that's the four-point gap. I'll pick up the four-point gap between the six that you are... I'm just going between being an eight and a nine I'm only a nine because I'm past my best When I was 28 I know Natalie's the eight Who's the nine?

So you and Matty Me and your second co- My better half Best man Matthew Canning you guys had a little get together here we did

we had a little meeting where we were going to discuss your stag do because that's what we're in charge of

organising and also you know the help that we're going to give on your wedding day and shit

and the stag do is obviously I can't give any information on it or because it's all going to you know it's or because it's all going to

you know, it's all there, it's all going to be a surprise but it's very difficult because we've got one side of your friends which is my side which is the comedians and the talent the fun ones, the ones that you work with and then you've got my side which is your side which is absolute fucking barbarian scum

they all born in the wrong century oh Jesus Christ and I love all of your Geordie mates but every single one of them they're fucking heinous human beings so it's just me and Matty sitting there looking at different types of accommodation in different places, we're like should we get a villa

I'm like my lot will get a villa like your lot are getting nowhere near your lot are getting nowhere near any building I've put a deposit on. There's absolutely not a chance coming into Ricketts eating drywall. Did you see, I sent you a link, there's a suggestion from your stag do. There's a legal cocaine bar in Bolivia. Oh, Bolivia?

Yeah. What would we do there? Just go to that bar. And do what? Just... Tell people off. Yeah. Just protest outside of it.

Hell no. To your blow. Hell no. So I've been getting some... We... This is how we get on to this. We went to the gym today.

Yes. I'm getting... We did duck walks? We did. It's fucking impossible. So you do like 10 squats and then you walk four or five steps like a duck. You get down low like you're...

Slut dropping. Like a... Slut dropping slash doing a shit at a festival. Yeah. Like... Squatting. Squatting just like... Like a button inch off the floor.

But not sitting on your calves. Like you're trying to wipe your arse. Yeah, it's real tough. And yeah and the personal trainer just ran behind with thrown bread we were just quacking keep calling us quackers uh no faster uh and we're obviously getting into shakes we're off to ibiza uh soon and this brings us to the guest on the podcast last week was elliot steel ah this is a funny story now me and elliot steel have been having our um differences recently so basically for listeners uh to uh all the other podcasts you'll remember there was a time uh when kai

sent topless photos to me directly and matthew Matthew which is not okay we've agreed I just wanted some validation see what I've got you can put it on Facebook even though that's very muggly you can put it on Instagram which is also very muggly

but to single handedly send your friend I don't care what gender you are this is not gender specific but if you send your mate nude photos it's a bit of a fucking dog act I'm a cockatiel now man

I'm getting blue balls I'm all over the place I don't know why you've got it printed as a canvas in your room it's a dick move you admit it was a bit of a dick move then you did it again and you apologise again and I told you if you did it a third time it would be noted

I don't know if we've discussed this on the podcast but basically what noted means for me is I'm about to take this a step too far you know what we've discussed this on the podcast but basically what noted means for me is I'm about to take this a step too far you know what story we could tell on the podcast after this I'll write it down as a note is the, remember the time we went on that double date

you've told that before, you've told that on the podcast so they'll know what noted is so they get the reference point so fast forward a couple, you discuss on the podcast where Stanley was saying maybe I was being a bit harsh but i do just think it's a dog act to send your friend i wouldn't send someone like a friend a dick pic right wouldn't send you pictures i'm sending a dick pic you're sending a gym progress but the thing when you were saying he was in shit shape i've seen the photos what he was in shit shape and he's sending no no we've not got to that bit

we're talking about you at the moment you were the one sending these of you clearly freshly out of the gym right sweaty and also clearly photos that were intended and also were sent

to your future wife yeah I sent them that's why they were taken so it wasn't showing progress was it if it was progress it would have been

you being like here's a before and after but it wasn't it was specifically you took the photo for your future wife and you went oh look I'm in there I'll send that to the boys and that's my problem well this. It was specifically, you took the photo for your future wife and you went, oh, look, I'm in there.

I'll send that to the boys and that's my problem. Well, this is the thing, right? So you know how you two are best man and I'm marrying Natalie? I'm best man and Mattie's the best man.

I sent it to you and Mattie and I sent it to Natalie and like, if you went, oh, you look proper lush, I'd probably marry you two and then if Natalie was just like,

oh, what the fuck, you didn't send us that, I'd be like, will you be my best man? So it was a little test I sent it to both of you just to find out who I was going to marry

and who I was going to who was going to walk us down the aisle you're doing that by the way what you're walking us down the aisle does your dad not do that what

does your dad not do that I don't think a man gets walked down the aisle you wait at the end of the aisle I think you're just there you just wait at the end I'm just joking oh man not really I hope you're ready for You just wait at the end I'm just joking I hope you're ready for me and Matthew Canning's

Five minute skit of oh who's got the ring Oh god And I mean five minutes Oh yeah that's another fucking shit thing about Not a shit thing but a potentially difficult Thing about Your wedding Is that me and Matthew as the best man

Are in charge of the best man speech So not only do we run into the problems and Matthew as the best man are in charge of the best man speech. So not only do we run into the problems of doing a double best man speech but also Natalie's side of the wedding compared to your side

of the wedding is going to be comedians and reprobates. And then a whole half of the room of people I don't swear in front of. Yeah. And then Natalie's side of the family who see you as this

lovely charming boy who absolutely does not swear. And also with, you know, the language that I cannot control in any... And this podcast is proof of how much I fucking swear. We're doomed.

Anyway, so Elliot... I'm really happy to have put you into that mess. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm just going to make a bunch of heinous jokes and I'm playing to one half of that room.

Should we Facebook live it? Absolutely not That would be the muggliest thing in the world To Facebook live your own fucking wedding Jesus Christ You absolute Fucking muggle I wish Natalie was here

To have heard you made that suggestion And just leave forever. People want to hear a speech at all. Yeah, well, you know, I'll do two. I'll do, maybe I'll do. Record it. Maybe I'll do one speech, which is, you know, I'll do the nice one at your wedding because the one I'm not allowed to swear in it. And then I'll do the one I wanted to do on this podcast, which is essentially just the roast of Kai Humphries.

Oh, like what we did with Ask My Dad. Yeah, exactly. We just did the actual email send. Now, on to the point. Elliot Steele, who is trying to get into shape, is doing a fine job, just doing fine. He started sending these Topps photos to me, just as a sort of like, we're both going to be things like,

ha, ha, ha, I'm in better shape than you are which he was four weeks ago and I was like do you not remember this whole discussion with Kai absolutely do not send topless photos to friends it's a real dog act, and he was like, what are you going to do about it and I went, don't do it again or you're in serious trouble

and he'd done it after every workout yeah, every workout, just because he sent one more final straw, so he sent one more so every day for the next ten days Yeah, every workout, just because he sent one more, final straw. So he sent one more. So every day for the next 10 days, Elliot Steele had dildos delivered to his house from Amazon. And they came in varying colours and sizes and functions and a couple of gay porn DVDs.

Something to use the dildos with every day the logic I understand the reason we couldn't post about this on Facebook is because people would be like it's homophobia

I didn't even realise that to the end the point I was trying to make was this is how awful it is when somebody forces something you don't want he's straight and he's getting DVDs

and dicks it's hilarious it's hilarious it's somebody who doesn't want to watch it's yeah that's the point I was trying to get across and like you have forced me to look at something he doesn't want to watch it's yeah that's the point I was trying to get across

and like you have forced me to look at things I don't want to watch so here is me forcing something you're making me look at gay porn

I'm making you look at gay porn he definitely does not look like gay porn he is a skinny little runt at the moment

who has no concept of how his body works I know you're listening Elliot so yeah saying that and then after day two he's like

how long is this going to go on for and I'm like until you apologise and he's like how long is this going to go on for and I'm like until you apologise and he's like I think I can withstand a little bit

of like the occasional dildo every day not expecting fully the dildo tsunami that was on its way you were sending

videos like as it was happening as he's opening the boxes he's fucking killing us so I think then you got an email from Amazon oh yeah

I got an email from Amazon saying and again there's like day three Where he's still a bit smug That he's not cracking He's not upset or anything And then I got an email saying that he hadn't been in For the delivery, so it was delivered to his

Neighbours, Polish builder His Polish builder's neighbours So he later has to go round next to her Oh man, I think it was a delivery for me, just so I thought Yeah it did Just hope they hadn't checked inside the box so earlier than us to go right next to her oh man I think it was a delivery from Egypt I did just hope they hadn't like checked inside the box oh

and then oh hold on wasn't there get to the conclusion but then tell about your recent purchases yeah yeah yeah so

yeah so eventually after about five days of this he's like seriously seriously can this please stop and I was like just sit

just apologise openly admit that what you did was wrong that sending thomas photos to a friend is a dog act it's an unacceptable interaction between friends and he did apologize you made him do it in public i mean i'm doing public uh he was about to go away and his dad was going to be in was that also part of it i think that was part of it it's like he he's waiting to do gigs for the weekend and his dad's collecting all his fucking packages. So he needed the stuff before. I was willing to do this for weeks. I had a bunch of gigs at the weekend over the stand,

which were all cash in hand. So I was fully willing to sink every penny into that, into just dildo. Just so he learns respect. And I've been told with 12 by the end separate dildos, he's got a little collection of them and he did end up apologising. He's not done it

since. He's learned his very valuable lesson. A bit annoyingly, after he's apologised there was still like four days worth of deliveries. There was like you know how when a war finishes people don't stop dying? They're still wounded. Like these were collateral damage. You know how when a war finishes, people don't stop dying? They're still wounded? These were... Collateral damage.

Yeah, it was dildo shrapnel that was just making its way through. Tremors. The aftercocks. Down it, down it. I'm proud of myself. But two things nearly massively fucked up. I'm proud of myself but two things nearly massively fucked up, the first one was when I was

first doing the big order of them of phallic objects to send to him I went to Amazon and I went to buy now and I went to basket and just as I was about to click pay, I looked at the price and it was one and a half grand and I was like, how many dildos have I ordered?

Or did like, have I, instead of rating like five, have I pressed nine, three times? Did I have a stroke midway through and just so many dildos? No, it turns out I'd forgot that I had added, that I wanted to, I was thinking about getting a new tee. I'd added it in to my TV. Yeah, a brand new television.

I wanted to get one of those. I'd added it into my basket the day before and then just last minute went, nah, I'll wait until after the fringe. But it was still in the basket. So the next day I ordered all these dildos, sent it down. Which would have meant Elliot would have had

five dildos and then a 4K television arrive at his house. And what an apology. It looks like it looks like I gave out of my revenge absolute last minute here's five dildos

I am so sorry I keep watching this I keep watching you fucking monk

but this does get a little bit worse when a couple days ago a little reminder pops up on my phone it goes Ava's birthday your one year old goddaughter

right well she wasn't one at the time but you know she's about to be her first birthday yeah so I'm like I need to order a present I've clearly forgotten about it

and if i can't buy the present now wrap it myself and send it down i'm not going to be down in london so i'll just order off amazon get it sent through she's one she doesn't care about rapping she won't even know what the thing is anyway so order it and obviously my Amazon recommendations list is now really fucked. It's real bleak. Like I've tried... Kids toys and dildos. Could have just said sex toys. Sex toys and dildos.

Yeah, it's a real clusterfuck down there like it's not that's gonna take a while no but so I ordered this book

that I read as a child my mum read to me oh which is well I want to tell you what someone's done to my fucking iPad

I don't know who it was but it's a fucking wicked practical joke you know how Pornhub's got suggestions for you? There's loads of incest stuff starting to appear in there.

Fucks his sister and all that. I'm like, I've never watched that. I mean, you clearly have. Someone must have went in and fucking started like searching for,

because that's like a thing to do. Are you going to end this whole, whole alibi as with your honour? Like, if I'd searched for it myself that wouldn't have been

an anecdote the fact that it wasn't me recommended so your search history so not just my search history but I ordered this book and this teddy bear from my lovely one year old god daughter

and again the same thing I'm about to just automatically click buy and then notice the price has gone up right by five pounds

and I'm like it's expensive for a fucking delivery fee now it turns out there was dildo shrapnel there was Elliot Seale

revenge there was a gay porno that hadn't more clever yeah I'd added to the basket clearly then it's clearly scrimped out on because I think Elliot there was Elliot Seale revenge there was a gay porno that hadn't more collateral damage yeah I dadded to the basket clearly then it's clearly scrimped out on

because I think Elliot just apologised so you nearly got them in the same order nearly sent a child's toy a child's book and a gay porno

to my guy but what's worse is I didn't they would have arrived separately I didn't I didn't they would have been put in the same box

it was one they're not coming in the same company. It was wonderful. They're not coming from the same shop. Amazon. I guarantee that. They might do. You don't know all the price

Penguin's got his fingers in. Richard Branson's fucking got a few things going on. I think that I mean I think they would have

had my godfather well and truly... Revoked. Absolutely revoked. You can't send your one-year-old goddaughter to gay porn. You can't send her to any type of porn. It's got nothing to do with the sexual... It's not like if I sent her through gay porn,

she'd be like, she needs to learn about this now. Leslie might have opened instead of my loan and no one would have been able to secretly enjoy it. and then no one would have been able to secretly enjoy it. Leslie's his wife, by the way, not his male gay love. To the podcast listeners, that could have been a gay relationship.

Oh yeah, I forgot Leslie. Hello, Leslie. Hi. What should we talk about now? I don't know. Basically what's happening is we're running out of Muggle stuff because we realise now we've done, what, like 55 episodes of this thing? And I think about 20 of them have been good.

There's been over 300. Yeah, it's like six Muggles an episode because it became the favourite game. We've started doing a lot of repeats as well, haven't we? Getting a lot of repeats and we're not getting as many suggestions in on Twitter so we just have to sort of put them on break until some of them naturally come up

yeah because I cannot think of any I put fidget spinners in twice didn't you you wanted to clear that up yeah it was also

a very very recent one as well I don't think I must have known what a fidget spinner was when Gareth was talking about it because I remember him talking about

a Fitbit he put that in I didn't know what a Fitbit was so it kind of went over my head a little bit now I know what a Fitbit and put that in I didn't know what Fitbit was so it kind of went over my head a little bit now I know what Fitbit is but maybe I just didn't know

what it was at the time and when I discovered them I got maybe I just smoked too much weed maybe you do but the fidget spinner has always been a thing

right because Tamagotchi pets that was like in the same like thing oh yeah them egg aliens

that if you put them back to back, they have a baby alien. Mate, don't you dare start that vicious rumour again. No, I mean, so... Anyone who lived through the 90s remembers that thing,

which is if you put their back, the aliens in the jail, if you put their backs together, they had kids. That made perfect sense to me. Yeah. No matter how many times my dad tried to explain to me

how impressive that would be to be wasted on a fucking children's £1 toy like if that technology existed if that DNA structure

that biology where you just put these together could make a new as kids we weren't even astonished by the concept of it yeah obviously

but didn't we do some like kind of pilot panel show in Kirkcaldy where we talked about this and we ended up putting our backs together and now we're dads. Can you remember? We put our back together on the panel show. Did we? We were talking about these things. Yeah.

And then we did it, but we don't. And then we put our back together for the audience. So we fucked. I don't think there was an audience. Was there not just my mum and my dad? There was a handful of people there. Oh, was there? Yeah, I think you had a scatter of associates. I thought you were with the sociopaths which is shall we have another joint and then see if we can find

someone else to talk about I mean I was happy talking about the fads of yesterday oh no we can do I do want another spliff but let's get

this so you've got the aliens in the cube Tamagotchi pets Tamagotchi pets Pokemon but mind you Pokemon really has

gone down the generations Pokemon is like a game for a computer isn't it I mean like the thing that everybody in the cube Tamagotchi pets Tamagotchi pets Pokemon but mind you Pokemon really has gone down the generations Pokemon's like a game for a computer isn't it I mean like the thing that everybody had in their hand while at school

yo-yos yo-yos remember when yo-yo season was when fucking everyone had yo-yos and shit right with a clutch

oh yeah yeah we could do all the tricks and then every now and again someone would come along with one of them fucking bobbins or whatever they're called where you've got two sticks

and a rope Diablo Diablo. Diablo. Dynamo. A very shit magician. I called it a bobbins first. Let's call it a bobbins. Why a bobbins?

I thought that's what it was called. Dynamo. Nope. Diablo. Diablo. Diablo. Someone would come in with one of them and they were always lame as fuck. I was old.

This is a muggler school, wasn't it? They'd come in with the Diablo on Yo-Yo I don't think anyone did that no one no definitely not mine

well if you can't remember who did that it was you I remember yeah Yo-Yo has got Pokemon cards was huge

and then the stickers of Pogs Pogs do you remember the little shields that you used to get like the 1998 World Cup slaloms no the little shields that you used to get

like the 1998 world cup slaloms no the little shields you get in walker crisps remember when crisps used to have prizes

in them pogs and shit no little football shields like of a footballer from the world cup and they were on a little shield

someone must remember this I can't be the only one not world cup I can't remember anything to do with football and pogs

it was definitely because I had fucking del piero on a little shield thing maybe I can't remember anything to do with football on Pogs it was definitely because I had fucking Del Piero on a little shield thing I can vaguely but this is my main memory of Pogs

right we had madcaps like the Aldi version they were also in black and white black and white Pogs

they were just on paper so it's hard to flip them around but we had madcaps and we collected

all 450 of them like in a team. There was a bunch of brothers in the street. It was me and Gav, Lee and Carl, Rob and Phil and Brucey and Andy

and we took turns as brothers of having the ice cream box tub full of the complete Pog collection and you'd have an ice cream tub with all the spares and you could still

play with them but you wouldn't use the complete box. Can you imagine as a kid how important this ice cream box is to you fucking Bruce's brother Andy

who's got Down Syndrome went to a special school took to school and he lost all of them oh no I mean that's a long day playing Pogs but he lost

fucking every one of them and we couldn't be mad like if that was any of my other mates I would have been fucking knocked out by the rest of that fucking seven I were if it was any of the other mates I would have been fucking knocked out by the rest of that fucking sevener

if it was any of the other boys but because it was Andy we're like I mean we'll not get away with battering him oh fucking bless him we couldn't even give him shit we're just like it's alright mate like we're honestly just kind of it's all right, mate. Because he was upset that we lost him.

Yeah, the worst thing is he would have definitely felt more bad about it. As kids, getting over that overriding emotion that we've lost to our fucking, it's our life savings. Like, we don't have currency

at that age. That's how our life savings, we've fucking worked all year round. All of our pocket money has gone out of it. I doubt it. It's all right, mate.

It's fine. Go out in the fucking garages and kick one of the fucking garage doors in. Start kicking cars in the street. I had the 151 Pokemon. That's how... His Pokemon helped me find my father's porn collection. Yeah?

Did he betray all of them? He came in from school. Watch us on. He handsily grettled me all the way through. He cancelled and Grettled me all the way Through Anything to get me To watch him jerk off That sneaky man

No Like Just remember Like I got the hundred Speaking of catching Jerking off Pause that

When I was downstairs Before I'm setting up the slides For my Edinburgh show And I'm using a slide of me Kissing your mam So I had the slide of you Kissing your mam On my screen

I wasn't kissing my mam Don't fucking Wild accusation You were just in the corner Looking jealous So I was snogging The fucking face off your mam Trying to shift my lips off

And then Of the photo And then I heard the door I heard you come in right So I fucking I'm just sat fucking face off your arm, trying to shift my lips off. And then I heard the door, I heard you come in, right? So I'm just sat there in my pyjama bottoms and I slipped my hand through the front of my pyjamas and I started fucking jerking it. Just like freaking whacking it and going, oh, of course I'm jerking it.

And then I see a picture of your mum on the screen. And then Claire whacked in. Claire's taking Jean's room staying over for like a couple of months and I I forgot I forgot she was even

living there she just whacked it and I was choking it she probably couldn't tell right I don't know how much it has your mom but I couldn't tell anyone

it's an old throwback photo of me kissing I'm getting I'm getting me rocks off go on Kai get your lips around he jerks off

to pictures of himself kissing well Claire thinks I do that I'm trying to explain myself but I don't think she bought this I mean if I were you I would have stopped

masturbating while you did it I can explain but for some reason I can't finish So I had the 151 Pokemon And my parents And then one of my friends

Just for the record I wasn't actually joking I was just pretending Being the gesture Right We were still in hand And committed to the bid The 150 Pokemon

Aye And one of my friends And his kids stole them And I managed to get them back. So my mum was worried that I'd get them stolen or lose them again. So she hid them. And then just one day, I remember when I was like fucking 13, I was like,

I'm probably still hiding the Pokemon cards. So I was looking for one treasure, found another. Aye. Is that when you made the transition from Pokemon to porn? Aye. Remember that day? Remember that Pwn? Aye. Yeah. Oh, remember that day? Nice. Remember that day wisely? Yeah. What?

Yeah. Daniel has learned a new move. Evolved. Yeah. Evolved. No. No, absolutely not. Swinging and missing like a champ over here.

Should we have a spliff? Yeah, definitely. And a kiss. Let's pause this. Let's pause. Let's pause Do it We're back Definitely not higher What did I say

At the beginning of the podcast Dreams can come true Did you? I said dreams can come true But then we're told I can come true It's your dream me Dreams come true

One of my dreams Has come true Yep We finally kissed We're outside having a joint and the moonlight

just hits top lip he had one end of the joint I had the other end of the joint in my mouth well it made it

to Trump I bit my tongue except one of them was really burning during that break Conor McGregor Floyd Bayweather is on

now I'm very aware that we're about to run the risk of losing the attention of some people who are not into boxing but I did bet Elliot Steele

10 dildos that this fight would go ahead so I better pay up I'll get them sent I can get a deal I know a guy his name's Elliot Steele I'm going to see a man

about a dildo who do I know with 10 dildos oh Elliot Steele so if I give him another 10 dildos Elliot Steele's got going to see a man about a dildo who do I know with 10 dildos oh Elliot Steele so if I give him another 10 dildos Elliot Steele's got more dildos

than your dad has his time yet he's only 21 he could build a throne like off Gabriel Throne a dildo throne yes

where did you sit though too many choices you sit your whole army on it so that fight's gone ahead and Conor McGregor the great

nominant of the UFC four years ago yeah four years ago was not in the hadn't had his first fight in the UFC was basically

homeless essentially had no money in four years has just fought and whirled his way into a hundred like I've been watching this guy

since the start and then we watched him going oh he's never gonna beat a top ten guy and then he beats a top ten guy and he's like he's not gonna beat

one of the contenders then he beats Mendes then you're like he's never gonna beat the champ and then he beats him in 13 seconds he's never gonna have

two titles he's never gonna have two titles oh fuck so he's just like there's times when you go nah it's not gonna happen

and you just stop doing it you go you go nah it's not going to happen and you just stop doing it you go you know what you might be able to do it I will lose my absolute mind

if he wins this is just another step where we go he's not going to be the best boxer in the world is he

one of the reasons I am very much excited for this has he been gone yet yeah he's yet to the only time he's ever failed was Diaz

when he went up two weight divisions. Yeah, on short notice. On short notice.

Yeah, apart from that one blemish, which he righted, I may add,

I'm excited for the party, because for UFC we have parties here. It's

June the Fringe. So all of our friends, all of our comedians, last year we

had a huge get together for Diaz McGregor 2, we had 32 people in this house, all crammed into television. It our comedians, last year we had a huge get-together for Diaz-McGregor 2. We had 32 people in this house, all crammed into television. It was a hot, sweaty, messy, horrifically testosterone-filled room, but, oh, my God, one of the greatest days. But you told me that's just made your decision

on whether to get that TV that you know. Yeah, you know, remember I said I was going to buy that television. I think I have to now. Look, I've got to do it. I cannot watch God fight. On a lesser television. look i've got to do it i've got i cannot watch god fight on a lesser television yeah i can't do it you got when it's gone 4k i'm glad i'm gonna be at the fringe otherwise i'd be watching it in black and white oh man i wouldn't know which was which

it's gonna oh man because i i don't watch much, but I know every person I've spoken to. Mayweather is just the greatest. I was... I'd just moved into my own flat when I was like 22, 23 years old and Floyd Mayweather was going to fight Ricky Hatton. He's like, Ricky Hatton's one of our boys. He's like, oh, this is legit.

And you're like, you're fucking rooting for your guy and then he just got battered. It's Floyd Mayweather that just fucking beats everyone 49-0 for the entire career this would be his 50th

yeah or his first yeah I really want to I know there'll be people out there it's a great story

whatever happens it is yeah it's a fantastic story he hits the 50 and owns the greatest box Conor McGregor just becomes the fucking god

I always compare Conor McGregor to our generation's Muhammad Ali not in necessarily just like the talent or whatever and I understand just the attention he draws I've been on this journey with him since his first fight I imagine it's how people felt when they watched Muhammad Ali, obviously Muhammad Ali did

wonders for black rights and Muslims and what not, so McGregor doesn't have that on his side he doesn't have the political yeah he doesn't have the political thing but if you ignore the political and the importance of the fighter the story, the journey is oh I'm so excited

someone just mentioned on my Facebook, they're going oh it's going to be a shit fight like it'll be a washout but I feel like the fight's just a bonus like the build up and the hype is it going to happen, is it going to be a shit fight. It'll be a washout but I feel like the fight's just a bonus. The build up and the hype and is it going to happen? Is it going to go ahead? Because there's always that risk of injury so there's always that anticipation. But if he

wins, if he wins. Can you imagine? It was only, and this is... Can you imagine him in a boxing ring? It'll be good and it'll be an incredible and important moment. Much like the greatest three minutes of my life on Saturday

do you get laid? twice time for a sandwich in between me and Mark Nelson were through in Glasgow Mark Nelson who we absolutely

have to get on this podcast at some point we watched England v Scotland in a pub, and it was that typical thing of, like, Scotland don't expect to win. You know, you guys score your fucking goal, and then it gets to the 87th minute.

And Mark, here's the difference between me and Mark. You sent a video of you celebrating. Let's not even get to the worst side of it yet. Let me just take you through the joy that was going on in my life. Mark is a real real Scotland fan like this was this was also the first Scotland

game home Scotland game he's not been to in like 10 years this is the first he's missed oh right because yeah

he wasn't in the yeah yeah because he basically stopped getting the Tartan Army season pass because they hiked the prices

and lowered the performances and stuff but for this one he just couldn't get a ticket for it because he didn't have

his institute me and him watched in a pub now he's a proper scotland fan i am obviously

but like he he has faith yeah like i know all the players but i'm just like it's scotland i've been hurt

before i've got none of the whereas mark has that belief in that fucking passion so the whole time i'm watching it but

we're just getting we're having some good news but we've got no finishing nothing on it and then they scored I'm like yeah yeah there we go

and then when fucking Lee Griffiths is standing over that ball Mark's like come on and everyone else is like come on and I'm like

guys come like it's Scotland like let's let's be fucking honest shall we and it pegs in and just covered in lager

in a second just just it's like just a tsunami everyone jumps all the water's up in the air there's one moment just it's like just a tsunami everyone jumps all the water is up in the air there's one moment where it's like being on a spaceship like no one was drinking water at the pub in scotland yes but it just felt like gravity had stopped yeah just yeah just up there and then it freezes all comes back down losing our shit and then three minutes fucking

later after we've just calmed down he's stepping over the ball again and again everyone at that point is also going come on come on I'm like guys even then I'm like guys there's no way

like this stuff just doesn't happen not to us not to us and then it goes over and we only stop

we only realised the goal had gone in afterwards your equaliser had gone in after we'd finished cheering the first one nobody was paying attention to the television because you said just one in your head yeah everyone's just doing gone in afterwards your equaliser had gone in after we'd finished cheering the first one oh really

nobody was paying attention to the television because you said just one in your head yeah everyone's just doing the fucking start of the party

doing the Macarena man that's Konga out the door and so we lost but that's what I want that's what I'm trying to say that lost that lost

yeah it just felt like a loss but if McGregor somehow some way beats Floyd Mayweather, the roof is coming off this house. Yeah.

Like, oh. Oh, man. See, when people like, you know, people that aren't into sports or whatever, right? Each to their own, absolutely. But I'm just like, do you not miss this bit, though? Because this bit's like... Where are you getting that feeling from? Maybe they are getting it somewhere.

But I'd love to know. Like, are people getting that feeling from books? they are getting it somewhere, but I'd love to know. Are people getting that feeling from books? Oh, a new board game comes out? Yeah, they must get it. Because if they don't get it, I'm like, it's really worth just coming in for this. Like, you know this McGregor Mayweather flight's coming up. And you know what?

Yeah, maybe it will be shit. Maybe it'll be underwhelming. But why not get on board now? Even getting on board now right you've missed a good fucking five year build up even if you take it back as far as Mayweather

it's like coming around fucking like 15 years in the making just the story that's been built but even if you just get into now

and you just get into like Conor McJoin us right because you'll either end up disappointed with us or

have the greatest moment in your life you get the backstory? Yes. Start watching old Conor McGregor fights. Watch the, he's got documentaries. Yeah, he's got like a six part series.

Two six part series. Just watch that, just get on board with the stories. Fucking remarkable. And get, yeah, and just, because you've got two months to get on board,

believe me, in McGregor. That's time to get hooked and I'm also a little bit jealous that they get to watch it all for the first time too. But not even, you don't have to follow after it But just like There's a potential for

One of the greatest Sport moments This is like If I could tell you In two years England are going to be In the final of a World Cup Yeah

Right And it's like You don't want to Start paying attention To the England team Get hyped now Yeah Learn who the players are

But I can categorically say You're not going to be In the World Cup final In two years Aww Sorry Malik is just be in the World Cup final in two years. Aww. Sorry. Malik is just not in the World Cup in two years.

Yeah, it's next year. Aye. Is it next year? No, it must be. No, it was 2014 was the World Cup. It was the Euros. Oh, no, it was the Euros last year

so it is in two years. What's the year? 2017? Aye, so it's next year 2018. 2018, it's always even numbers. Aye, it must be 2018. Next year. Aye.

That's why the qualifiers are on. That's the match we were fucking watching. God, we're must be 2018. Next year. Aye. That's why the qualifiers are on. That's the match we were fucking watching. God, we're high and stupid. Euros though. Aye. I think we can...

World Cup though. World Cup. I was just about to nicely segue on and you ruined it. I was just saying we can just move on to your dad jokes now.

Yeah, let's do it. Before we get into your dad jokes, I always feel like because they're what everyone says, maybe we should actually plug our important gigs.

Right. We're doing Livingston, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, to all the people that do come out, and I know we have podcast listeners there, you'll probably be there already,

you're very loyal and loving people. And we're previewing, which means we're going to be doing one new material for like, the French. You get to see the show when it's shit. If anyone coming tomorrow gets to see the first iteration of

a show that will one day be good enough to be recorded. You also get to see some on stage ad libs that end up being written into the material.

You get to see, you really get to see the only genuinely honest performance of the show. Right? Because some things I do tomorrow I'll

then have to fake riffing in future things I do tomorrow I'll then have to fake riffing in future shows like tomorrow I might riff something and it'll only be funny if it looks like it came off the top

I've got to pretend that I'm doing that there's a lot of impromptu there oh you get to see real but you also do get to see some real raw fucking bits oh shit that'll never

see the later day again but it's kind of it's kind of special so that's Thursday Friday Saturday and then if you are at Glastonbury by any chance

next week I am on the Friday night I don't know what time yet you're like one in the morning no I don't know what

we've not had the sheet out yet so oh no mine's one in the morning on Saturday right yeah there you go yeah that's how I got that yeah but we'll be on

we'll update those times apart from that let's go on to stuff about Kai's dad what else we got to plug is that it that's pretty much it just now

Punisher and Comedy has got Deliso Chaponda Britain's Got Talent oh yeah and two of them are sold out already yeah Blythe and Ashton

are sold out but I think it's going to be sold out by the end of the week but if you listen to this you may get the last tickets for Bedlington or Cramlington oh there's a fucking

spider in your head you just slapped itlington. Oh, there's a fucking spider in your head. You just slapped it in the head? No, there's a spider. I don't believe you. You didn't want us to plug push-ups.

There was a spider in your head. I was slapping out. It was poisonous. Yeah, so you can get Bedlington or Cramlington and the Fringe.

Obviously, tickets are for sale now. Come and see the real show. All right. Your dad's got a tattoo of a fidget spinner. Yeah, so you can get a pedalitin or a cramlitin. And the fringe, obviously. Tickets are for sale now. Come and see the real show. Your dad's got a tattoo of a fidget spinner on his neck. Your dad... Oh, on the wrong page. I thought it was a spider. Your dad has a blue rinse.

A blue what? Blue rinse. You don't know what a blue rinse is? It's what old people used to have in their hair, so you know when they would get grey curly hair. Old women used to get a blue rinse in, and it would make it like blue and purpley. Didn't know that. Your dad is? It's what old people used to have in their hair so you know when they would get grey curly hair old women used to get a blue rinse in and make it like blue pebbly. Didn't know that.

It does go on there. Hold on, pause it. Out of back, sorry. Got interrupted. Your dad uses his underbite as an ashtray. Your dad used to walk you to school doing the crab It's the truck walk Your dad's got bingo wings

Which are these little fairy wings He puts on and goes to the bingo to grant the wishes Of all the old pensioners but they all wish he'd stop That's why I cut a blue ring so he could blend in Your dad gets over public speaking That's why I got a blue ring so he could blend in. Your dad gets over public speaking by imagining his audience naked but he got fired as a primary school teacher for teaching with a hot on.

Your dad braids his tapeworms. Your dad waxed your dog, oiled it and took it to bed. Your dad got kicked out of Disney for doing his Donald Duck impression, and by that I mean he wasn't wearing any pants. He was duck walking. Your dad hid in the wheelie bin

so he could jump out and scare your bin man, but he fell asleep and now he's dead. I'm going to follow straight on. Your dad's currently turned into combuster, but he fell asleep and now he's dead. I'm going to follow straight on. Your dad's currently turned into composter, but he's quite excited because he hasn't fertilised anything in 15 years. Your dad says he can't lip-read because he's dyslexic.

Your dad wore a sequined dress to the prom. Your dad started his own Mr Men spin-off book series and he's upsetting a lot of people with his bestseller, Little Miscarriage. Yeah, well, your dad got most improved player for his football team. Your dad removes wallpaper with his teeth.

Your dad spent six weeks in Brazil learning salsa so he could dance on Diana's grave. Your dad uses his dick as a bookmark. And he's got a Kindle. Your dad ran out of tip-ex so he started using toothpaste again. Your dad ran out of tip x So he started using toothpaste again I asked your dad to tie my shoelaces And he just can't get out of the habit Of making them into tiny nooses

Old habits So that's us done Aye What are we going to do now I don't know what time is it I mean we could discuss this off the podcast

we could have just left on a high there that's why we did the plugs before just peering out of here yeah let's end this quickly bye bye we'll get into the

depths of despair listen to us again though and then how can we get out yeah stay tuned share with your friends bye