Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.1 Muggins and Cream

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Daniel Sloss and Kai Humphries have just embarked on a European tour and bottled some of it in this podcast for you to shake up and spray in your ears.  Loads and loads of excellent chat. You're a very lucky goose! **REMASTERED** this was uploaded in stereo where we were in an ear each but we've fixed it up so we share your ears evenly. We've also added the intro and this is the episode the intro was made from. Spot the quotes! 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Alrighty then. You are listening to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. On the road from your house. Or is it Kicking Up Dust? Muggins and Cream. Muggins and Cream. Kicking Up Dust. That was the name of the original podcast,

but then nobody knows what our nicknames are. Is it also not even our nicknames? They weren't nicknames. Muggins and Cream. The nicknames are. Because they're also not even our nicknames. They weren't nicknames. Mine's a cream. The nicknames were just self-allocated. Aye. Mine's is cream because one time we got stoned in Newcastle and we had strawberries and cream in the park.

Leasers Park in Newcastle. Aye. And then we were out sunbathing and the sun moved as it tends to. Well, the earth moved technically. Something moved. The tree made a move. tends to, well the earth moved technically. Something moved, the tree might have moved but the shadow from the tree

definitely moved. And there's one point I was just sunbathing and Kai turned around and realised that the strawberries and cream were in the

sun and he went oh no, cream's in the sun and I just went yeah he is. I was like did you just call yourself cream? And I did and I

don't know where we got the name for you Muggins. Well it was when we were deciding on what we were going to name this podcast so you were like

let's name it Muggins and Cream on the road. Are you the fucking Muggins? Are Mugg name for you, Muggins. Well, it was when we were deciding on what we were going to name this podcast, you were like, oh, let's name it Muggins and Cream on the road. Who the fuck is Muggins? Oh, Muggins here. Hi, Muggins. Hi, Muggins here. Muggins has to be Muggins, does he? How do you lead the show?

The only problem is if it's Muggins. This is it. Muggins and Cream on the road. That's why we changed it to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. One, everyone knows our names in two, just so. I didn't like the fact that your name came first in Muggins and Cream. So I changed it to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. To put your name first. Aye in Muggins and Cream. So I've changed it to Slotting Humphries on the road. To put your name first?

Aye. Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thugging, living the dream. And that's our intro. So this is a new podcast that we're going to try and do once or twice a week while on the road. Because we're essentially on the road for the next five fucking months together. It's been quality because we've been on the road for five next five fucking months together it's been quality because we've been on the road for five days now six this is day six

but it's a day off but we've done the majority of it from your house so hi so we've been on the road yeah after this we're going down to

dance half doing some of the English dates you did Bill Barrett dance half dance half ladies no that's like the

cockney dance half ah right that's what you used to sound like when I was five years old, apparently. Like a chimney sweep. That's when my parents moved up to Scotland, because when I was on my fourth birthday party, they bought me a bouncy castle.

I was like, hello, mommy, hello, daddy, there's a fucking bouncy castle. And they were like, no, we're not raising one of those. I see on Kevin O'Perry when he just turns 13 and he's just instantly the fucking Chava. Just switch into a chimney sweep we're not going to raise Dick Van Dyke

get me back up across the wall we're in Scotland now we've got that hybrid fucking RF accent whatever the fuck

it is high pitched hybrid oh I thought you'd say high pitched high pitched in a fucking

high pitched voice defending myself so we just thought we'd do this podcast while on the road which was just because personally we think we're

fucking hilarious oh yeah sometimes there's like banter zinging around this living room and we wish we could bottle it just falling on dead ears

so now we're doing a podcast and we're bottling the banter and putting it out into the ocean of you hoping it finds an island of comedy

fucking lucky things fucking devils hey fucking good on you so we're going to do a bit of chat you've looked down here with this in your ears

because we're aware of how much dead air we get we also have three games lined up just should it ever get to a point where either of our chat becomes

shitey but explain what the games are now or before oh we can just we'll give them feeders one game is your dad which is me and Kai becomes shitey but explain what the games are now or before oh shoot oh we can just we'll give them feeders

one game is your dad which is me and Kai do a bunch of your dad jokes to each other if you follow us online you'll know those and how funny they are

unless you're a bunch of the people who trolled us we've just concocted them now we're thinking now so Danny hasn't heard mine I haven't heard Dan's they're brand fresh

new new to me well it's new to you fucking ripe and fresh speaking of ripe we then got main they're brand fresh new well it's new to you fucking new ripe and fresh speaking of

ripe we then got tripe chat speaking of ripe tripe chat

is basically you know when you're on facebook or just in public and you hear people just talking just

chat tripe stuff that didn't like you know when you're on facebook and one of your

friends just posts share this because he means that shit and we're just going to dissect how annoying Utter tripe. Utter tripe. Stuff that didn't... Like, you know when you're on Facebook and one of your friends just posts, share this because he means that shit and we're just going to dissect how annoying... What the fuck is... Or just things that, like, just don't need to be shared on Facebook. So if you're friends with us on Facebook, we're selling you down the river.

Yep. And finally, muggle chat. Fucking muggles. Oh, no, muggle corner. Muggle corner. All right, so basically... Type that in muggle corner. Muggle is a non-derogatory term

in the Harry Potter series, but in me and Kai's lexicon, it's a very derogatory term that we use for, not the general public, but just for people. It banned Alice people. Yeah, people with... People with low programming. Like, their level of chat is basic. It's real basic. They're like an NPC on fucking Skyrim. Any humour that they've got's borrowed.

If they tell a joke it's something that you've heard before you know like there's no original thinking going on it's such an offensive thing

if someone calls you a muggle you're like we mean it in the worst way because then again some people we know or some

people we love are muggles and then sometimes we also have muggly moments totally yeah but the thing is like somebody can

yeah somebody can be a non-muggle and do something real muggly and that's like the stuff that I do you remember your muggle chat the other day in fucking Dundee theatre The thing is, somebody can be a non-muggle and do something real muggly. And that's the stuff that I want. Do you remember your muggle chat the other day in fucking Dundee Theatre? It's a big old room, this, isn't it?

It's a nice big space. I like the acoustics. It's just fucking base-level small talk. It's just base-level small talk. Yeah, no. I mean, see, isn't this too 80-odd? That's a lot, isn't it? We've been on the road fucking seven years, and we've had the depth of the conversation,

and then I'm just there fucking small talking you big old space this is where was this built oh established in 1592

Queen Margaret fucking opened this place did you cut the ribbon 1592 I think you went to I don't know if they had buildings back then. It wasn't even Queen Margaret.

No, but I was... Who's fucking checking the facts? What? No, I mean... This is going out on the internet. Someone's checking the fucking... Some muggle's checking the facts. I'll tell you that much.

Some muggle. And they're going to get in touch and go, you'll find that Queen Margaret was actually in the fucking 1600s and it was actually Queen Anne that was in the 1534 fucking time. Famous ribbon cutter.

The fucking one that just muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia you fucking muggle bitch but this is basically it's going to be very interesting for us

because this is something we want to do because we do have a lot of especially in Europe and stuff we have a lot of fans that return and we do a double act

on it at the end of the show and sometimes people really sort of get into it do a double act on at the end of the show and sometimes people really sort of get into it we've always got to keep our new stuff out as well because if we've

told stories on the road and it's looking like an ad-lib if they see us ad-libbing again but it's not an ad-lib run the fucking

magic muggins and creams strike again muggins and creams have gone hack they're not as good as they used

to be muggins and creams no back in the good old as good as they used to be Muggins and Cream No, no, no Back in the good old days I preferred them when they were Sloss and Humphries I don't know why I changed the name actually But this is basically just We'll hopefully do it once or twice a week

So people can keep up to date And help us promote And hopefully you find us As funny as we find ourselves Which do you reckon The hardest I've ever made you laugh is because I remember the time you made me laugh

I don't know I think there might have been some of the your dad jokes you sent on Twitter I was in fucking stitches just in the house and I was even laughing

when it was like Daniel is typing I was like it's going to be a good one just oh here comes cream just giggling like a fucking school girl

talking to a crush what are we going to say no he's just sat next to us playing PlayStation

fucking jealous and then like it says Daniel Stifan but then it goes just online and it means a stop and you're like

oh no he bailed I don't know how bad that was I don't know how dog shit that joke was that made

him go nah alright that's another thing I always hate whenever I'm ending up texting girls and stuff or boys

not sexist and like when you're flirting and they type something and then they don't and then they just go offline and it's just like if that happened

in a standard conversation like having a bit of fun or something like oh that was like the time out and then they just leave and you're like no

I would have taken I like it I would have taken nothing why did the conversation have to end so abruptly but yeah it's normally when someone's getting into a car and driving

that doesn't happen in a day to day conversation you're not just having to chat with them and then all of a sudden whoop I'm behind the wheel I think the hardest you've ever been

to laugh was I think we were in Latvia two years ago or fucking Estonia I don't think we've ever been to Latvia together oh no but we've been in the airport so I think we were in Latvia two years ago and or fucking Estonia I don't think we've ever been in Latvia together oh no but we've been in the airport

so I think we're flying I think we're flying to Croatia and I was very very hungover and as were you and whenever me and Kai get on any fucking airplane the same fucking joke comes out on cue

which is are we in the same seats every day every fucking flight Kai asks if me and him are in the same seat because one time four years ago we were getting on a flight and he asked are we in the same seats I meant every fucking flight Kai asks if me and him were in the same seat because one time four years ago

we were getting on a flight and he asked are we in the same seats I meant sat next to each other he made me stand in the corner and then he missed the flight in the corner fucking had to do it

30 seconds and then ever since Senators Revenge he's been on any flight I can just wait for it and we're in the same seat the fact that it was one time I thought

I'd gone away with it because I went ahead of you in the fucking queue because you go to the toilet got on the plane without you. And we were sat, we were sat miles away from each other. And then you text me,

we're in the same seat. That wasn't the hardest movie laugh though. It was on that flight though. We're, so we're sort of sat in one row and you're on there. We're on the right hand side of the plane and you're the creepy child on the left. And then like the road down and like parallel to us there's a mom holding her baby so the mom is not in eye line with us because she's holding the baby face and her it's

just staring at kai's hungover face but it won't break eye contact so kai keeps looking at the fucking book and stared out by this little fucking devil spawn it's it was not breaking eye contact it's fucking giving you the eyes. Putting a fucking hex on it. I felt my head shrinking. I was thinking, this kid's a fucking witch doctor. He's giving you the fucking bed eyes.

And then, but you're a form of, so I'm laughing at how annoyed you're getting already just having a giggle to myself. But then you start like putting the book up in front of your face so it would stop staring at you. But then every time you went down to check, it would still be staring at you. Just pe like putting the book up in front of your face so it would stop staring at you but then every time you went down to check it would still be staring at you but now now the baby

thinks you're playing peekaboo so it's more interested so i'm sitting there dad were you accidentally playing peekaboo with a fucking kid who's loving it and i'm laughing because you're getting so annoyed you want to stop being stared at and then, and this is about the floor to me he just gave the middle finger to like an 8 month old baby and I have not you have not laughed until you've seen a 32 year old hungover man

flip off a fucking baby with venom in his eyes with fucking venom with his mum going and I'm dying with laughter you're doing that like cutting the throat with your thumb

thumb across the throat laying on it just fucking pointing to your eyes and his and then the mum turns around and you just smile

and be like hi hi back to my book stuff in my book he made a new friend oh god I thought that kid just goes home and just copies it. Just flips the bird to his dad when he gets it.

Have you seen that fucking YouTube video? Fuck it, I'll show you afterwards. But you know those videos we love of the gangster ones? When someone says something gangster and then freaks frames. Thug life. Thug life. And then the fucking sunglasses come down and it comes to thug life. There's a baby And I swear to god

This baby's like Must be one year old Because it's his birthday And it's got like a birthday cake And he takes a big fucking handful And starts eating it And then his mum Leans forward to get like a

Like a bite of it So there was a stripper in the cake Happy first birthday I bought a baby stripper So it's not creepy What's this for the baby yeah what are these perverts

looking at hey mum dad fucking up you can't have an adult coming out of a fucking baby's stripper cake because then you're hiding it hard

in a pita flat for a birthday party like and so the baby just goes to feed the mum the thing but then just guesses but just the way

it literally just flips the bird immediately and puts it in its mouth I'll show you Jim one of our joint breaks it's fucking great and we'll link to the Facebook one of the funniest

I've seen you laugh was when we were in the supermarket one of the funniest you've seen me laugh yeah I was laughing you were laughing you were like cooking like a chicken

and doing spotty dogs I was like what a funny laugh I was giggling just did a little fucking six year old girl pig snort tickling himself

they said it can't be done I'm like come on Creamy you're embarrassing me in the supermarket we were in the supermarket it was when I was shaking the coconuts

oh first of all we were stoned out of our face so stoned high as a fucking kite so stoned you're not meant to be in the supermarket

at that point like every little transaction seems like a fucking massive deal aye and then would you like a bag and you're just

fucking just weighed it up like it's the world's biggest problem you're trying to like a bag and you're just fucking just weighing it up like it's the world's biggest problem as you're trying to like fucking unravel calculus you're like but it's five pence

oh I've got five pence I should have bought my own bag if I say yes will you think I'm being unkind to the environment by taking a bag

am I getting judged stop being stoned just say yes to a fucking bag just take the bag and promise him pinky promise him you'll bring it back next time i'm really sorry i'll wash it i'll wash it and bring it back hanging out to dry so yeah when the supermarket i'm shaking

the coconuts there's a little skit that i was doing shaking all the coconuts you come up what you're doing i'm like just so the next person that buys them when they pop them open it'll fizz up it still makes a little little skit in the supermarket where my gift to you oh I do feel like we make each other laugh

at dumbass shit but then again as I've found like there's there's stuff that works on stage as well like my sense of humour although on stage is

sometimes arguably intellectual dumb ass shit makes me fucking die laughing like it was the other fucking joke I heard the other day that had me giggling for like five minutes was it was just a proper not a your dad joke but a dad joke which was oh have you heard the

rumor about butter? Doesn't matter don't want to spread it little stupid thing I think some dad jokes have you heard the rumour about butter? Doesn't matter, I don't want to spread it. Little stupid thing. I think some dad jokes. My dad had one. Him and my brothers were out doing fucking scuba diving out in Florida. And just the joke he did every day

whenever they were scuba diving, which is like, do you know why when you go scuba diving they roll off backwards into the sea? Your dad's told me this joke. He's kind of run and told everyone that you thought you were special and it's because if you roll forward you're still in the boat

by the way since I heard that off your dad I've been passing it on that's a good joke I'll tell you which joke made me laugh and it really shouldn't have you know when we were watching that fucking horrific comic in Benidorm

and he was doing fucking racist jokes and sexist jokes and it was fucking horrible but somebody done just absolutely tickled us and it shouldn't have done

and it was when he said he said to a girl in the front row I'm going to tell you a joke that's going to make you laugh your tits off I see you've already heard it and it's so horrific.

I saw it and it's also... But I was like... But also the thing to think about is because that's hack. That is a hack joke but it's hack we've not heard. Yeah, it's hack but fucking gross. It's just like a dick joke.

Dick joke. Yeah, but if you ignore the intent of the joke and you just look at the craftsm intent of the joke and you just look at the craftsmanship of the joke good joke right should we go for our first

what do you want to start with should we do I reckon leave your dad jokes to last or middle okay in case

we fall out in case there's something fucking really under water about your dad fucking getting a fisty

cuss fisty start doing fisty cuffs start doing the Queensby rules stance on you so it's called the Queensby rules Queensby

hey muggle muggle go check what that fucking type of type of boxing is where you have your fists

like kind of upturned so your palms are facing up and you're like kind of aye like your left fist is forward like you're asking

someone to smell your perfume yeah aftershave yeah Queensbury Queensbury why is it Queensbury

Queensbury Rooms the Queensbury Rooms that's where they do the big boxing events I don't know if you like no I'm just mate I'm stuttering the fuck out of me words

and trying to cover up as if I meant to say it oh right you're really exposing us here good dead air this is where I play the game right

shall we do Muggle Corner air this is where I play the game right shall we do Muggle Corner so this is things we think just things we think are shit and we can we can argue with each other if you don't think it belongs

in Muggle Corner it's essentially room 101 we just renamed it I'm not going to have a big doormat and just like I don't find Muggle here and just

oh yeah Danny that'd be for nooses right yes sir no sir three bucks full sir we're going to go for the first one. Fucking can'ts the queue for the airplane. Ah, moguls.

I can't. It's not like a bus. It's not like a train. It's not leaving without you. Are you not sat there on one of the comfy seats just sat looking at them going, why aren't you looking at me and being absolutely insanely jealous right now

that I've sat down and I'm going to actually get on the plane and fly the same flight for 10 fucking minutes before the gays even know like it's if it's like i don't even i don't think ryanair still actually do designated seats now so you have a seat i don't know what it's for i've never people say oh it's to get your luggage in i've never i had a beautiful one where the queued right and me and natalie got on last right but everybody got onto a bus so the people that went on first ended up right jammed against the back of the bus and then i ended up getting on being right at the front so when the doors opened i got off and straight onto the plane and i'd be sat there the

whole time didn't queue for shit right but uh one thing is i think when people queue it should probably i understand a little bit of the first six people, right? Because there's nothing worse than being behind muggles that are taking fucking ages to put their bag up on the shelf. Just grab your book,

bit of hustle, put your bag in, sit the fuck down, let everyone pass. Don't stand in the fucking aisle clipping your toenails or fucking giving yourself a skin peel

or whatever the fuck you're doing that takes 15 fucking minutes. I just, like, it's always that thing of like is this your first time on a fucking

airplane like it's the same with the airport security so when someone goes do I take my belt off where have

you been since 9-11 like what is this your first picnic I just oh do I have to do

I mean won't me watch as well oh fucking hey back the queue back the queue you'll learn I think there

either do need to be separate lanes for I've done this before or this is my first rodeo so we hey back the queue back the queue you'll learn I think there either do need to be separate lanes for a I've done this before or this is my first rodeo so we agree people that queue for airplanes

get in the muggle corner also if you are some of the queues for the airplane and we are missing the point we're missing out on like the fucking

free chocolate that goes to the first 60 customers on board please let us know otherwise fucking wrong yes muggle corner go wrong yes muggle corner

go in the muggle corner alongside bingo bingo the fucking the mecca of the muggle literally the mecca the mecca

yeah good joke done a little little ad hoc ad hoc ad hoc no

whatever ad lib pun yeah whatever one of them in context anything would work you know

are you saying just plain bingos muggly just the whole concept of bingo you're going to like fucking just while away the hours

of your life by dabbing numbers that gets said it's also the fact that like you even get like if you get drunk like I'm up for anything

nah I'm just going to have a tomato juice that's what they fucking do just old muggles. Just fucking grinding out the last few fucking hours they've got left. They may be trying to slow down time. You know, because fucking I can't imagine any time passing slower than fucking bingo.

So that may be like stepping into a little... Why are the prices in bingo, though? I don't know. You could just go online and put a fucking hacker on. You know, watch the football. It's just, it's one of those things that I just go, and put a fucking hacker on you know watch the football it's just it's one of those things that i just go it's it's also no skill like i'd argue most other gambling there's like a bit of tactics i think there's a little bit of acquired skill when it comes to like oh you fucking fucking babs had fucking four books on the go barbara you know fucking

minority report which is ironic because they all hate minorities so she's just there with fucking can you remember Galaxy High are you too young for that the cartoon where the chef's got six arms and he cooks the meals it's a cartoon

obviously they couldn't cast anyone enveloping information CGI wasn't that good in the late 80s but Galaxy High was a cartoon where you had six arms

so like these fucking Margaret's and fucking Wendy's of the world that are fucking Wendy knows names I think I'm just shitting on the name Wendy didn't I

no then again do I know any I know Wendy Weiss and she's not old Dorothy Dorothy's old yeah Dorothy's in there fucking Beryl

I've not heard of Beryl Beryl's husband because he's a fucking pussy fucking doesn't know anything Beryl says I just feel like because he's a fucking pussy fucking doesn't know anything Beryl says I just feel like Colin Bill

who? Bill Bill's an old name nah he's got a fucking guy straight out of the fucking pub while his wife's a bingo isn't he Bill

Bill but name anyone out of the age of 40 called Bill would you ever call like a can you imagine calling a fucking nine year old Bill no it's William isn't it

alright he wouldn't call him Bill but like he might get that eventually so yeah the bingo dabbers some of them are a little bit

skillful but you know you get there a bit like fucking you know that scene on Alien where he's got his hand down

and he's got the knife Bishop's got the knife honestly mate fucking this because their hands are so frail

if they did that too fast they could genuinely even with a fucking bingo dabber put a hole through their fucking hand but the bingo dabber put a hole through their fucking hand

with a bingo dabber it's so soft so soft and malleable so just imagine like you go in there and you just whatever they're talking about

fucking probably relatives probably talking about dead people the alive ones no talking about like oh it's War Cowl's 40th

coming up I don't know what to get her what do you get someone that's got everything they want anyway you know I may get her

some of them Yankee candles she likes Yankee candles she likes them but she doesn't use them they're just ornamental so if I get her one of them they're just going to

stick up aren't they she'll just start using them she'll get some new ones if she wants one which it's like I don't know I don't want to get my 13 year old grandson for his birthday so I'll just phone some new ones if she wants one. It's like, I don't want to give my 13-year-old grandson for his birthday,

so I'll just phone him. All right, punish him. He's gone a bit off the rails. He's gone a bit off the rails, our Philip. I found a sharpened stick in his bag. I don't know what he was doing with that. What? A sharpened stick?

He's been sharpening a stick. What's he going to do with that? God knows I don't even want to find out. Fucking muggle set of bingo. I'll give you bingo. Bingo's in. Right, I'll also suggest muggles fly kites.

And not stunt kites. I'll give you... Stunt kites will give you a fucking cool... Nah, hold on. I'm going to be the other way around on this one. If you get a stunt kite, you're like an adrenaline junkie that hasn't got any bottle. You're like, I want to do a bungee jump, but nah. Do you see how fast that went while I was standing still?

Look at this one. Stood on the beach fucking every now and again like a fucking bit of wind will make his hips jerk. Like, fucking, do you see how I held that? Fucking sound about your posture, you've got to have the right gait in your stance it is essentially the remote control car in the sky yeah

it's a stunt kite I think it's muggle I think regular kite you know what if you're a guy out on the beach on your own you're not a muggle

you're a fucking psychopath right if you just get a normal kite like a one quid one from the shop right but if you've got kids

a fucking kid will get I know kids is very in fact you're right stunt kites is far more muggler than a natural kite so I think I think

the way we're going to look at it now is having a kite with a kid you're just fucking doing your thing having a kite on your own regular kite

fucking little bit of a lunar ball what little bit of screw loop he's got a screw loose he's not right in the noggin that one yep so maybe kind of what was mental loony bin he's got a screw loose he's not right in the noggin that one yep

so need to get him off his mental loony bin men in white coats are gonna come pick him up with his fucking kite

down on the shingle so yeah that guy's just a bit of a fucking you know what keep an eye on him he's probably a good kid but just make sure

he's alright he's a stunk stunk stunk kite guy maybe he's yeah you good kid but just make sure he's alright stunt kite guy stunt kites are fucking muggles yeah you're like

you're really trying not to not to be a muggle there you're trying to have something that just like I don't know how's that stunt kite what stunt

what stunt you doing man unless you fucking jump and do two flips while it's got you off the ground and then we're getting into the realm

of extreme sport if you're attached to a skateboard you're still in or like kite boarding like a wakeboard type thing and you're attached to a skateboard, you're still in. Or like kiteboarding, like a wakeboard type thing. And you're getting fucking butt-made if you're just stood on the beach.

Well, yeah. Just trying to take down seagulls. Seagulls strike on his thing. It's broken. He's put a patch on it. It's down on the beach and he's fucking, hey, get one sort of passerby to stand on it.

Got a couple of rocks on it. And he's just trying to put a little patch on his kite so he can get one last flight out of it before the sun goes down because the sun's instrumental to wind

is it? nah just being on the beach just a bit of visibility next thing you know the fucking the waves are licking your feet also if you're

flying a kite at night you don't know if your kite's still there or whether it's just two eagles fucking with you well nah

probably just your kite can't think of it you probably know it is that squawking is that your kite squawking right alright so stunt kites

muggly normal kites fair yeah fair game my next one is I think this hits too many people so i'm not saying this makes you a muggle i'm saying this is just you doing a muggly thing but if you buy a love

love laugh live anything to put up in your house oh just any of the fucking inspirational way you just get love laugh live this kind of template sprayed on your wall and you're like four frames love laugh live and it's just a little bit is it actually are you making this exclusive to love laugh live for is also because like for ali one of our friends housewarming that's what me and gene did we bought him a bunch of the worst housewarming presents because that's muggly yeah because it was like one was like recipe for friendship so it's like one cup of trust a sprinkle of common interest, two bags of secrets, one

accidental rim job in the park. But it's a genuine thing people buy. Yeah, they're there. There's a market for them. Muggle. The Muggle market's strong. You can spend the Muggle pound. It's good currency. So yeah, the love, laugh,

live thing. I like the live bit gets kind of taken out of that by the action of buying it what about what about the fact that I've got that actual wooden home sign

up there on the shelf yeah was that a gift nah I bought that did you buy that I bought that with my own money did you just put it on a shelf in the corner just to remind me what I was

yeah yeah getting a fucking delivered roof going where the fuck am I oh phew it's like fucking people that get

their fucking date of birth tattooed on their chest all over oh yeah that's all they are it's my name mind you

saying that like so I've got Ava's my goddaughter I feel really bad I don't know her birthday yeah because even as a joke

I was like as a joke I was like it'd be funny if I got that tattooed on my wrist and now I'm actually like that is a good reminder I don't really know anyone's birthday

I don't tattoo it on my wrist but like I'll put it in my eye calendar you know my birthday a little bit of Kai telling you what he does

for his personal admin you know my birthday yeah but that's September the 11th I don't know Natalie's because it's fireworks night so if it's attached oh aye if it's a touch of... Oh, if it's a touch of thing.

So basically, if you want Kai to remember your birthday, just fucking hope there's something to do with terrorists happening. Yeah, so my birthday's 5th of July, so everyone remembers it early. I remember it was the day before. It's like Independence Day, the day before Kai's birthday. It's solid. But yeah, you're not living

if you go into fucking TK Maxx and peruse the fucking home wood carvings and shit like that and then go ah love laugh live

that's me right you might want to you might want to get a jigsaw and just cut the live bit off because you're in TK Maxx buying some fucking muggle equipment

right and you do laugh but nothing you've said yourself yeah I mean come to think of it this might just be I don't think you're in love anymore if you're doing stuff like that as well i i kind of feel like if and this is from someone who's only ever been in love probably twice i feel like if you're

in love and you post about on facebook not really in love like if you need to brag about something like it's not for me i brag about things that um oh no that's a lie i was gonna say insecure about but i feel like like oh i just had a great day with it who gives a shit or am i just being cynical about just like broadcasting a day no but with your missus like or your or your or your boyfriend what's funny is if someone puts on facebook like i love fucking joey deacon so much i love joey Deacon so much. I love Joey Deacon so much. He's the love of my life.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. You look at that and go, that's the vote of confidence from the board. When you're playing champ manager and you get a vote of confidence, you're like, oh, actually, I'm not safe. If I'm getting the vote of confidence, they'll protest too much. I'm probably going to get sacked

if I don't win a game soon. And it's almost like they've had a tough time. They've had a bit of a fucking bumpy ride they nearly fell out he's been sleeping on the couch for two days they finally reconcile it and then she goes on

and just goes look we're cool me and Joey Deacon still getting down on the future Mrs Deacon right here unless she's a feminist in which case

Deacon Jones Deacon Jones Dead Air what's the next game oh no we're still going with it what happens if there's dead air during a game? Oh, well, I think they just...

Oh, no, we've been slinging out gold for fucking... How long has this been so far? I mean, that's half an hour of fucking gold so far. Fucking lucky bastards. Fucking bit of lucky cunts they are. What are you giving us? Aye. We're just putting this tickling at yours right here.

Aye. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. Yep. With our... Tanks of... this tickling your ears right here tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh with our tongues of next one bail on that one get out of there pull the rip cord Danny

the ground's getting close the ground's getting close I mean it was a bumpy land he broke his ankle but but he's still with us hold on

conclusion on love laugh live is it muggly I think it doesn't define you as a muggle but you are doing something muggly if you do it it's not something like because I'm even guilty of it I've got that home sign sometimes I buy pictures of places I've never been put around the house

it's a muggly thing but it does not define you as a muggle so it's always in the corner go to the gym with a diary with a diary oh like you know there's fucking like no

no I don't care anyone who goes to the gym I'll go like hold on are you talking like the journal had a really good day I lifted I lifted

18 kilograms on a chest press and that's that's real progress for me signed off sloss no I said I didn't do it

no but like people that record the stuff just for a minute like you mean like write down what sets they've done

and they've got a training regime I don't know for me like if you go to the gym I don't care I've got respect for you if you go to the gym

like I will never judge anyone in a gym on their shape, size or their workout because oh man they're coming out of goal they're running at it like yeah I will not jog on people judge anyone in a gym on their shape size or their workout because i'm on the go fucking

do it running at it that's like yeah i will not jog on people at the gym at all like fucking i just think just walking through that door yeah immune all right you're absolutely you're absolutely fucking doing it so you're full of that but just like the meticulousness of it like when you take it that seriously yeah and i'm just like because I know what workouts I'm going to do but you just I've been in a position where I've took an interval time

I really set myself up a little circuit so I'm putting but that's different that's not right but everyone's got their own methods I think taking

a notepad into the gym I don't know if it's that muggly I think just being in the gym you're pushing it out there alright

fine your last one having a token for the trolley I think just being in the gym you're pushing it out there alright alright fine your last one having a token for the trolley nah what nah you specifically brought this in again it's a right

I'm assuming you're meaning right the trolleys that require a pound getting one of those little bits in your keys right which you've always got on you that you can put instead

you know you don't like your key ring aye you don't have to pay his key ring aye when. You're not muckling about that? You don't like your key ring? Aye. You don't like your face key ring? Aye. When have I ever not had a trolley? Old trolley slots, they call me. I don't always have a quid on me. I've always got my car keys on me.

I've always driven down to the shops. I mean... I'm absolutely not having this. I'm not muckling about that. It's forward planning, right? How much did you pay for it? A quid. You know what? You could have done with that quid?

Yeah, but I would have spent the quid. I can't spend this. I can't accidentally put this in a fucking... So you're just making an investment. Aye. So this is a quid I will always have on me, but I'll never spend it. The one muggle thing I will give you, though,

is on it, it does say laugh. Oh, are you shopping? Yeah, God, here we go. Laugh orette will cry nah what's Mugly about it nah I just think it's quite what have you not the pound on you

it's something that takes doing you're like oh you know what I need no it's a gift from me to me blow your candles out your cake made a wish opened the present from yourself oh my wish came true

Yay I would I would very much say That's not Not muggly Not muggly at all Okay And actually

We said Should we Should we have another fucking joint Before we do the next one Yeah Because I mean We weren't high enough For most of it

Not at all I don't know which Which one's That's pause And through the magic of Whatever this is, we'll be back in a second. One.

Oh, idiot. And we're back. Right, we're back. The magic of modern science. Oh, I... What? It's supposed to... Future science.

And also past science was just magic, isn't it? Muggins and cream, back in the room. Chilling out and relaxing. Right. Passing the deal. Can you tell the weed's kicked in another chat's got shit right

should we do a tripe chat tripe chat yes please tripe chat for me please just one tripe chat to go please por favor silvoplay another language

section of the show where we go through annoying things that people post on Facebook that we wish we could call them on it but they're friends so we can't

I'll go from the first one was from not really a friend but that doesn't really matter I guess but she posted

one of those fucking anyone who posts funny memes I'll give you but like self help or inspirational shit like I refuse to believe

that's ever helped anyone ever. Let alone the person that sits on Facebook for fucking eight hours a day posting memes. That motivation should have just go, right,

that's the motivation I need. Just log off now and do some shit, get shit done. I'm not looking for a boy. I'm not interested in some cunt who likes other girls' selfies

and doesn't text me back for eight hours. I bet your life's incredible. Also, first of all, doesn't text me back for eight hours. Right, so he's not allowed to sleep. Yeah. Or just live. Or just have anything else going on in his life.

Doesn't sound like a man. I imagine a man's got loads going on in his life. Probably hasn't got you top of his priorities right now, and you should just accept that right some kind of likes other girls selfies now this is something

I always see like and it is a muggle thing like oh he was liking other girls selfies first of all let's not even get to the validity of like

how stupid it is to get jealous of that who's liking other girls selfies who's liking anything first of all does anyone actually like stuff on Facebook

oh loads do they no I do do you yeah if I like it I'm not just gonna like something something what someone

says and then go not telling you though no but you know I hope you'll never know you will never know that I like what you did just then I'm off to ghost

I like a funny thing like say my old retweet or favourite thing so I can look at in the future but it's not like oh I like a funny thing. Like saying, well, retweet or favourite a thing so I can look at it in the future. But it's not like, oh, I had a great day today. Like on Facebook? Aye. Aye.

You like things on Facebook? I like a lot of stuff. Oh, I would argue that's fucking... I'm like, you should see me. I'm like a lappy dog on Facebook. Oh, I like that. Oh, I like that. Like, like, like, like.

Oh, this is... I mean, this is tickling my like button. mean this is tickling my leg button and i'm tickling my mouse button yeah that's a good one just i just yeah people are liking stuff but i like if someone posts a selfie you know what i'm not gonna i don't think i like that i don't like someone posting you know if they're posting selfies As a group Are you like Yeah like

I'm with these people But you know If someone's just like Just there Long hair Don't care Hey this is my face Hey everyone

My face Remember me Hey don't Don't forget about me Don't let me slip off your If it's you and that Fucking Snapchat Dog filter

I hope you die alone From the bottom of my heart And you will You will I hope some muggle likes it And then falls out. And you will. You will. I hope some muggle likes it and then falls out with that girlfriend.

You're looking at that bitch's picture. Oh, good joke. Dog. Dog filter. Some of the jokes. I mean, not best, but you know what?

You know what? I don't want to knock your confidence out. I should have just liked it. Shouldn't I? You know what?

I should just give you a little pick-me-up. So negative. Negative comments. I'm going to be nervous for any future clips now. Second-guessing yourself.

Did I come here to get my confidence knocked? Had you tried to have my sense of humour rocked? Blocked. Tripe chat. Right, what's your tripe chat? Right, my trap is... My trap? My tripe chat is this post that's been going around around and I've seen it on a couple of statuses.

A couple of people have posted it. One of them, I was like, that's not tripe. And another one, I was like, tripe, and it's the same words. So let me explain this to you. The words are, I'm that friend you have to explain about before you introduce me and then apologize for afterwards. Oh, yeah, yeah. The first time I saw a post of it was my mate Soppet, who is, like, fucking ex-army boy.

He's fucking been through some shit in his life. He's fucking got PTSD. Like, he's fucking trouble, but he's a nice kid, but he's fucking a live wire. And he also drinks like a goddamn champion. Soppet drinks pints of rosé wine. Yeah.

Like, he will match me pint for pint when I'm drinking cider, and he'll be doing it with rosé wine. He'll just stand there grinning all night, and he's fucking good to have around, but just stand there grinning all night he's fucking good to have around but he's got a like he can light his fuse easily

he can go off on warning quite easily so you're best going oh look this kid's a good kid like don't get put off if he's a little bit leery if he gives you

the thousand yard stare or just gets you into a chokehold for no reason that's just the way he is and then afterwards you're like yeah sorry about supper

pissing on your carpet I'll not invite him again so that one it kind of even though he's rep again so so that one it kind of even though he's reposting that like something it kind of resonates but then I mean

mate grassy he posted it mate grassy I'm not I'm the friend you have to explain about before you introduce me then apologize afterwards he's just a solid dude you know he's got three

kids he's got a good job works nine to five cycles to work has cards nights on a Wednesday I've got to warn you about grassy he's got three kids he's got a good job works nine to five cycles to work you know has cards nights on a Wednesday I've got to warn you about Grassley

he's got some serious fucking calves on him he's fucking good Jim Gohan all that he's just a pretty fucking solid stand up guy I'm the guy

you have to explain yourself right you've got to watch out for Grassley sometimes he might make you a cup of tea or whatever he'll ask you if you're alright if there's anything you need

after three beers he's good on a karaoke dynamite on it just to warn you he's fucking really good on it actually he does pub singing he does

I tell you what if you're at his house I've got to warn you about grass if you're sat in his house and you're drunk and you tell him you're drunk can I make you some toast just to warn you

yep probably get you another beer I'd bar both sides though let's go fight fire with fire he's got your backpack on the back good lad he'll always make you feel welcome

it's those sorry about him oh sorry about grassy man I should have explained beforehand oh fuck man the way he was just making sure like you're having a good time

and why he's just a cunt like that sometimes don't even know where we're from the way he was the way he's just a great dad this is fucking annoying

oh sorry sorry about him so that thing is there is people that post the relatable stuff when it's clearly not fucking relatable to them yeah that was

that was me buddy just like trying to impression himself as that you know just have a little bit of edge I'm gonna reinvent on Facebook I'm gonna make me

still look edgy do you see that one of it was fucking a picture of the Joker and Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad and it's like find someone don't find someone normal find someone who's just as crazy as you are now

joker and harley quinn are fucking insane now i've got mates who are in relationships i'm like you know what the pain of you are absolutely fucking mental but you're good for each other like you're crazy you're fucking party animals you're repubates you two need to but then other people have been like yeah someone's crazy you own a Renault

Megane like the craziest thing you ever did was get a car that was fucking pink like you're not insane

you've watched every season of Britain's Got Talent you drink decaf you bellend you have a white wine spritzer on a Saturday

I'm so wacky I'm crazy you're still a little too like you right my other tribe chat this is one that really fucked me off now again

anything that inspires I hate inspirational things just cause I don't get inspired by things that are just words I get inspired by actions this one I'll read it out

this was a video there once was a boy with a bad temper. The boy's father gave him a bag of nails and told him to hammer a nail in a fence when he lost his temper. On the first day, the boy hammered in 37 nails. He was really mad. Over the course of the weeks, the boys began to control his temper and the number of nails decreased. The boys began to control his temper, and the number of nails decreased. It wasn't long before the little boy discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Then the day finally came when the little boy didn't lose his temper. He was so proud, and he couldn't wait to tell his dad. Pleased, his father suggested he now pull out one nail for each day he could hold his temper. No, no, son. Your fingernails. Are you listening to him? He's just preparing for a good time. Several weeks went by and the boy felt proud to tell his dad that the nails were out.

Very gently, father took him to the fence. You've done so well, but look at the holes. The fence will never be the same. The little boy listened carefully. When you say things in anger, they leave permanent scars.

And no matter how many times you say you're sorry, the wounds will still be there. If you found value in this video, like, pass, and share. Now, I have got so many fucking problems with first of all it's an analogy an analogy

only in words ever sound fucking good first of all the dad had a really good coat rack instead of the second part of his scheme

ruined it but just like this idea like there's messages if you say mean things people will be hurt

forever right get a new fence right if saints no matter how many times you say sorry the wounds are still there I don't want to be friends with that person if you can't take a fucking apology I'm buying a new fence. Right? If saints, no matter how many times you say sorry, the wounds are still there.

I don't want to be friends with that person. Yeah. If you can't take a fucking apology, I'm buying a new fence. I'm paying over it. I'm getting a gate. Fuck you. Yeah.

Fuck that guy. Like, imagine all the awful, awful, awful things you and I have said to each other, like in the heat of the fucking moment. Very rarely, but you go,

oh, sorry, I was drunk. Sorry, I was being a dick. The scars remind me the cuts are real or the past is real.

The scars remind me the past are real, Daniel. It's awesome. Nah, it doesn't matter how much you apologise, I'm just made.

It's too late to apologise. It's too late. Who's the guy in that, eh, eh, there's that fucking rapper and this whole guy in that The Eh Eh There's that Fucking rapper

And this whole thing In that song Is you just go Eh Is it Aye I didn't notice Too late to apologise

Who the fuck's that by Is it like Little John or something No No not the too late To apologise person The one in the background Going yeah

No it's like Oh Timberland It's Timberland Justin Timberlake No Do you remember The big rapper Timberland Aye Aye So he's in the background going yeah okay Timberland it's Timberland Justin Timberlake no do you remember the big rapper Timberland

aye so he's in the video but the whole thing is like something featuring Timberland just the whole thing is going

aye it'll be like featuring Timberland so can you imagine the agent giving him that call going oh we've got

your gig it's on one of Olly Mays Bruno Mars oh no it's well before that you know the it'll be like the fray or something too late to apologise guys

that that song isn't out yet but you'll know them soon hey you want this gig what you've got to do is just like

kind of make a noise just like hey yeah just a few of them just dot it around we'll cue you we'll give you the thumbs up when it's your turn to move just do it once we'll just use the same one actually yeah i just recorded

on your fucking iphone yeah could you pop in tuesday right we'll book you in nine till five past nine all right we're gonna three minutes of vocal warm-up i'm gonna get 300 quid the vocal warm-up is also the word anyway Yeah Alright let's get ready Hey Brian Timberland I see See you on the next track Chuckie's just going through

All the fucking vowels Yeah In every single song I mean this would have killed Twelve years ago When this song came out As opposed to just now Fucking topical

Right Right so that was your What was it? It was the fucking Teaching the boy To control his anger How did we get onto Timberland? right so that was your what was it it was the fucking putting the teaching the boy to control his anger how did we get out

of Timberland I can't remember ah well oh it was too late to apologise good job we recorded it I do this is more for us

that was because not forgiving apologies like people who don't forgive ah yeah and I was saying too late to apologise and got to that so it wasn't like

a fucking really deep metaphor of the guy doing the it was really contrived no no it's just one of those fucking inspirations I just

I hate that idea that someone who's got an anger problem also the one thing that cures them is a fucking written out YouTube video with the fucking fray plane in the background

being like oh this really speaks to me fucking nerd get out of here so right my next one for the tripe corner tripe time

is em there's been around for a while but they've been very frequent lately and it's where we all know a blank that's blank

and it'll always be like we all know a Chris that's really crazy oh god you know like we all know a Matty who's well oh god you know like we all know matty who's well endowed oh and then everyone just tags their mates and yeah i hate those tags even though we do it we hate the tag the tagging me who's gorgeous tag tag one man who's shit fifa

but one who's not shit fifa but don't tell what you tag someone and their crash and ruin their lives when you get tagged in them a bit of dies where it's like fucking so i used to do a rubik's but don't tell what you... Tag someone and their crush and ruin their lives. When you get tagged in them, a bit of you dies, where it's like fucking... So I used to do a Rubik's Cube on stage and everyone would just tag us in Rubik's Cube stuff

and it's just a little bit like, ah, I've seen Rubik's Cube. It doesn't define me as a person that I did a Rubik's Cube. I don't need to keep watching. You and me do. But we'll always tag each other in the lamest shit.

It's always sister memes. Yeah. It's always sister memes. Yeah. It's always, tag a sister who you're proud of every day. Tag. Didn't I do one that was, sister was, what do you call that way? Like something beginning with S. Oh, acrostic poem. Sensual intelligence.

Yeah. Sexy. Sexy. Twatful. Immature. Oh, no. Sister. Oh, God. Twatful. Immature. Anastasia. Oh, God. Oh, sister.

Sister. Immature. Immature. Immature. You're just mature online. I'm really bad at spelling. Got hold of that one. Saved it.

Responsible. Well, I mean, you saved it in the end, arguably. Right, should we get on to that was tripe corner feel free to submit tripe corner things and also muggle corner no it's tripe chat muggle corner call it what you want

right should we do these dad jokes yeah I'll go first Your dad's got tinted windows on his moped Your dad walks backwards to work Your dad wolf whistles the postman Sexy little gloomy guy Oh it's that package for me. Wee, wee.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Chase. Chase me, chase me. Yeah, he does that. Your dad bought himself a foot spa as an Easter present. And he uses it to spa his hands. It's an Easter. Wrap it up in tinfoil On that note

I'll just come out With one off the top of my head Your mum had to die Buy your dad a present When you and your brother Were born Did you never Whenever my brothers

Were born My mum would buy me a present So I didn't get jealous Oh yeah You had to buy your dad one Your mum bought your dad one Whenever you and your brother Were born I think that's bad form If you like If it's someone's birthday get jealous oh yeah you gotta buy a dad one you might buy your dad one whenever you and your brother were born

I think that's bad form if you like if it's someone's birthday but you have to buy one for the other kids like it should be a lesson for the kids to go

nah you've gotta know it's not all about you guys sometimes it's this guy that's getting the present now you two little shits right really in that action

basking your nothingness for a little bit think about what getting no presents feels like that's you here's my impression of you Think about what Getting no presents feels like That's you Here's my impression of you Look I've got no presents Look this guy will

Val his toys Don't touch them Unless he lets you His time Fuck you guys Yeah I know it's I know it's his two players Right

But it's his decision Right you guys get to bed He's gonna stay up An extra hour Because it's his big day His birthday Get to bed But ma'am it's 2pm

Get to fucking bed Don't take his big day his birthday get a bed but mum it's 2pm get the fucking bed don't take his toys no but you sleep on the streets so that was my dad wasn't it your dad wears

oven gloves to throw combos on the heavy bag in the yard he does sometimes you fucking Add it to the kitchen Your mum's busy

Taking the casserole out She's like Oh fuck's sake man I want to work out What was pretty Pretty in that love Your dad smells his finger After a wank

Which one? Whichever one's better. The one he puts over the tip at the end. To keep the floor. Your dad picks his nose, rolls the booger in his fingers and then puts it back up his nose. Puts up the other nostril to see how it works in foreign fields. See if it goes anti-clockwise Nostril damus you call them

Nostril damus Is that what you just said? Yeah Your dad sucks the chocolate off chomps Get a stick of your fingers Your dad wears jeggings Get sticky fingers. Your dad wears jeggings. Your dad wears an L plate on his butt and stag do's.

He's not invited on. Flatches on like a ticonga. Who's invited that guy? Your dad hangs on to the bottom of the trolley like Rambo When he goes shopping, yeah ma'am Your dad washes bananas before eating them Scrubs them with iron wool Drives it on his crotch Does that thing where he breathes in it and polishes it on his crotch does that thing when he breathes in it and polishes it

on his shirt and then peels it pretends to bowl it your dad tried to pay for a lap dance with a cheque and said it's my turn

to bounce on you your dad sucks his thumb during sex Anyone's thumb really Your dad comes in from playing out With grass stains on his knees And if he comes in wet My mum gives him the trouble I'm not allowed to get wet

It's me with a pistol Jeff Jeff from number 42 Fucking Car mechanic Just fucking waxing him With a suit of soap trouble. I'm not allowed to get wet. It's me with a wallet and a pistol. Jeff, Jeff from number 42, fucking car mechanic, just fucking waxing him with a suit of soap. He's like, I'm not allowed to get wet, man. Let's just kind of, let's just, oh, fuck's sake, man, these are clean on. I'm not allowed to get wet, I'm a gremlin. Your dad puts marshmallows in his tea. I mean, I'm pretty stoned right now, so that seems like a good idea. Your dad tried to light his armpit farts.

Imagine how much of a spaz he looked with one of his hands. One hand's needed to fart, the other hand's needed to light. He's twisting it around, trying to... Nah, failed. Your dad spreads mayo on crumpets. I mean, I'm stoned, but that sounds gross. Your dad's Grindr profile is a picture of your body. Is that your last one?

Yeah. I've got... Oh, God, I've got two more. Your dad wears pregnancy clothes to the gym. Wears what? Wears pregnancy clothes to the gym.

And, er and your dad wears your mum's pants on his head and pretends to be Ben from Batman don't we all with your mum's pants explains the heavy breathing

oh he's really 12 he's fucking sold us down the river coming here all prepared little bits sometimes when you're on a roll you're on a roll mate

not that you'd know yeah quality not quantity I do think I will be fair and think my dad's just got rinsed I mean my dad's

on the wheel oh god those fucking things made me laugh I think we should wrap this up that's about 55 minutes so far

it's a pretty good thing let's see some people on tour some people might be listening this and we may be passing by them

anytime soon let's go through some okay so just first of all uh if you've enjoyed i don't know what we've put fucking put this podcast up on we've literally just decided to do it now uh but whatever is if you enjoy it please uh tell your friends listening uh because the more feedback we get the more likely we are to keep fucking doing this uh please like yeah yeah like it click like i click like i'm gonna know just enjoy it not click like oh like I'm going to know don't just enjoy it not click like oh I share

and then we're like oh I don't know if this I don't know if Joey Deacon if this made a difference in your life please like

share and what was the other one report don't report it I spread it around here are the tour dates for the next couple of days on the 4 couple of days.

On the 4th of October, we will be at the Lowry in Salford. Now, if you listen to this now, we're going to be at the Salford now. Go now. On Wednesday, the 5th of October, we will be in Preston, Guildhall. Preston, biggest bus station in the world. And more facts like that on Wednesday. Thursday, the 6th of October, we will be at the Fruit Space in Hull. Any facts about Hull? Oh, it exists as it's being.

It's actually quite remarkable. Friday the 7th of October we're in Leeds at the Wardrobe. I hope that's a venue and not... I've got a fact about Hull. It's got one of the biggest bridges in the world. Does it? I don't know.

It's got a bridge. What, do you think it's one of the biggest? I don't know it? I don't know it's got a bridge what do you mean it's one of the biggest I don't know but like fucking sell it you know oh right sorry we'll just edit this out huge bridge

Saturday Watercart Centre Coventry on the 8th of October and finally the Glee in Nottingham on Sunday the 9th of October

and then after that we've got a couple days off and we'll hopefully have released another episode by then yeah find out then yeah thank you very much off and we'll hopefully have released another episode by then yeah thank you yeah

thank you very much for listening we'll go on our websites as well if you want to know the full tour schedule we'll go across Europe from fucking Zagreb to Warsaw

to fucking everywhere so have a little look on the website also I'm selling something if you want to buy it I've got USB don't just talk to me Jack I've got these USB sticks do you want a USB stick guys honestly I've got USB don't just talk to me

Jack I've got these USB sticks do you want a USB stick guys honestly I've got these DVDs I've drawn the cover myself what makes it better than a DVD

is that you get a bit more memory on the card so you put the I put my show on my solo show How To Be Happy which is really

really really good show one thing about his USB things that we should warn you is it's kind of like Russian roulette so he's got like he's bought like a thousand of them.

We're going to be selling them for £10. You can get them on eBay. You can get them on Rotor. But two of them do have about 16 gigabytes of child pornography on them. So if you get those, you win, but you also lose immediately and go to jail. So just be aware. Yes. And the bonus features that I filled up the memory

on the memory card with are hundreds of your dad jokes. Because I screen capped all of the WhatsApp conversations we had, whapped them on there. I put on the boxing match I had with my brother in February this year,

which I'll not tell you the result because you're going to buy it and watch it. And I wrote a tour journal about Daniel when we had 21 European dates and I pretended in this journal that I wasn't a comedian,

but I was a psychiatric analysis guy, a shrink doctor, and I was doing a report on Daniel's behavioural patterns and I deconstructed the shit out of him. And then there's also your one-hour show, How To Be Happy, which with as much as I hate giving you compliments,

the best closer to a show I've seen in a very long time oh I thank you cream you're welcome muggins the way you can get them is go onto my twitter handle at kai humphries find me on twitter

it's the pinned tweet it'll be the link for the right follow us on facebook and twitter he's kai humphries I'm daniel sloss daniel underscore sloss

daniel underscore sloss you know my fucking name hope you enjoyed the podcast. Please let us know. This has been Daniel Sloss and Kyle Humphries on the road. Muggins and Creams signing out. For life, but not for life. We'll be back.

Sorry.