Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.10 Transylvania

Episode Date: November 3, 2016

Walking away from the smoke and rubble that they left behind in Amsterdam the boys resurface in Transylvania, they share some facts (and lies) about Romania and then divulge some little known facts (and lies) about themselves. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

All right, we are back. Yes, the podcast is late. Fuck you. Get over it. What are you going to do, fight us? It's because of... Yeah, what are you going to do? Look what you did about it.

Your podcast is free podcast, get over it. I mean, some of you probably wouldn't have downloaded it until today anyway. Why? You just wanted to sit there waiting for you, did you? You just wanted something to complain about you little fuck yeah we felt a bit we got in last night in Dusseldorf

aye we done the gig in Dusseldorf they didn't let us in the hotel until after the gig so we were just backstage miles away aye and we were just backstage

and we were on that fucking nasty old Amsterdam come down are you feeling any better from Amsterdam aye I'm fine I can go for a jog I mean I won't

you're just breathing aye I could I feel a bit battered and won't Why don't you just breathe in Aye I could I feel a bit battered And bruised And bedraggled And bleedie Bedazzled

Bedazzled You know that B word That happened to peaches Yeah Was that an in joke That we haven't done on the podcast What Bleed like a peach

No that was on it I think Did you mention that on the podcast I think so Let's do a little recap Danny was on stage And said I'll bleed like a peach Instead of I bruise like a peach Ended up doing the audience laugh But we did for four days I think. Did you mention that in the podcast? I think so. Let's do a little recap. Danny was on stage and said, I'll bleed like a peach instead of I bruise like a peach.

Ended up doing the audience laugh, but we did for four days. Yep, days and days. So now we are battened, bruised and bleeding like a peach. Bleeding like a peach. We were in Amsterdam on Sunday. If you came to the Tumler gig, thank you very much. That was awesome. And then we had Monday and Tuesday in Amsterdam

with Milo McCabe, Barry Castanola, Andrew Stanley, Elliot Steele, Ryan Cullen and Tom Horton who are six of the lads. Lads are lads. Now they are at home going through PTSD. Aye. Where we just pull out our fucking shoe straps like legends and carry on with the tour. Aye, they've gone home for their fucking manicures and their back massages, just been little wimps.

Fist peels. Aye. Some of them slept, that was weird. I know, wimps. And then pussies. So we went out on Monday night and got to bed at two o'clock in the afternoon on Tuesday. For like three hours. Which I think is one of the biggest sessions I've ever had in my life.

Yeah, it was pretty fucking hardcore. Like one of the lads lost his mind and ran across the street grabbing his head with no shirt on. Yes, I understandly. Like one of the lads Lost his mind And ran across the street Grabbing his head With no shirt on Yes I'm just Stanley Took too many mushrooms And had a little Crisis of confidence He had a fart crisis

Like he was shouting There was one point Where he was going This isn't helping And we were like No one's trying to help you No to be fair We weren't helping

Like he was having a freak out And we decided In that moment That him freaking out And losing his mind And all he really needed Was someone to just Hold his hand

and get him through it I'm not his bro aye that was the best time to make him Jeff because he was being such a fucking Jeff so we forced him

into the awful awful outfit yeah so last week we'll fill you all in that there's a Jeff outfit and it's always Jeff Stagdew in the person who is Jeff is the person who fucked up most recently

so random shit's happening for the Jeff costume to swap hands and then Andrew Stanley started having this whitey and as good friends we should have really fucking oh it was savage up most recently so random shit's happening for the Jeff costume to swap hands and then Andrew Stanley started having this whitey and as good friends we

should have really fucking told him down or something I just got him in the shower got him some bread given him

a milkshake here's a little advice if you're ever on mushrooms in Amsterdam McDonald's milkshakes are one of the best things to

counteract is that right yep something about the sugar and the sugar helps and the sugar helps and orange juice helps break down

the the magical of the mushroom I'm not a doctor yeah because the thing with mushrooms and acids there's no safe word you open your eyes

it's there you close your eyes it's there you've got to ride it out the minute you stumble on that wave you did mushrooms how were they

I quite like them I realised I took too much aye but then took a look at Stanley and went at least I'm not that bad it I took too much aye but then took a look at Stanley and went at least I'm not that bad it's always good to have someone

that's a fucking high tide line on how fucked you are yeah it's really sobering seeing someone way more fucked than you I do find that

whenever I'm out drinking or whatever and getting on it and it's just like five in the morning and I'm like I am talking some shit and then I realise

that nobody else has been paying attention to anything I've been saying because they can't follow a conversation I'm like I am talking some shit and then I realised that nobody else has been paying attention to anything I've been saying because they can't follow a conversation I'm like nah I'm crushing this so fucking Stanley

actually fucking ran outside ripped his top off grabbed his head had existential dread he's fucking impending doom screaming at the mountains

so we'll put a Jeff T shirt on him to make him feel better to make him feel better and then we brought him back upstairs and we played a card game of cyanide and happiness

which is that card against humanity game cyanide and happiness and he thought we were all acting and we'd set up the game and the cards that he got were like key features

in his life that were like almost like tarot cards and were revealing things about his past and his future and shit so he was having this massive fucking crisis

but that also just says how much we are absolute fucking cunts that he's like, oh, that's something they'd do. In my worst moment, they would specifically... Oh, and Ryan convinced him that we did do it. Like, I were there. Are they cards were for you? I think he just meant those cards were for you in the sense that those were the ones dealt out.

Oh, no, Cullen knew what he was doing because it was afterwards the next day he realised he was like I realised you were having a fucking crisis and I just pretended that everything

that he was saying was true we were horrible this is from when we eventually went out about 10 or 11

Cullen we were out until 5 in the morning in Amsterdam Cullen thought we were out for half an hour yeah

that is a six hour. Yeah, but I feel like he... I had full conversations with him in that. Yeah, and he was one of the people, because there was only four of us that were in shrooms and he was one of them.

And I can see how he had that time dilation because the next day when I found out we went out at nine till four, my instant reaction was like, we weren't out that long. But then when I pieced together

and started remembering things that happened, I was like, oh, right, so my brain's just condensed that into a zip file I do have proper I definitely do not remember seven hours

I know probably about the trailers, if each of those hours you were to release a movie trailer for that was like three minutes long, I've seen all the movie trailers and I know I'm in the movie can't remember my lines do you know the next day as well I looked at movie trailers and I know I'm in the movie can't remember my lines do you know the next day as well

I looked at my phone and I had 11 missed calls and they were all from every one of you guys oh so you must have disappeared

I was definitely always with Elliot oh okay well again that's probably why we thought you were lost then so there was a

bit where I vaguely remember putting me and him in a bar that I recognized i was like i've seen that bar before let's just go and sit in it and then i just think he's eventually found us i don't know if i answered the phone off he did but i remember instead of moving around looking for you we just put ourselves somewhere smart move yeah i've trained you well yeah holy fuck man i don't know how we got through it like that was it was but what was

fucking hilarious was Andrew Stanley coming back like a phoenix from the flames because bear in mind when I tell you this story about him running across the

street and grabbing his head and his t-shirts off and he's like what is happening this isn't helping and all that shit this was at like 6pm this was pre-drinks

this was pre-drinks so there was a moment later on in the night where I do remember he was like back in the game and he was zinging like taking the piss out of people and we're like

oh fuck he's back like he's probably back in it and then someone who he slammed went you can't talk you are fucking running across the road with your top off

grabbing your head and Stanley just went yeah it's called being a legend what do you think I come to Amsterdam for and fucking sit and chat I was just getting on it.

Because I find his rules... Like, Stanley does... Stanley will do mushrooms and other drugs, but will not smoke weed. Mm. He probably shouldn't. See what happens with his paranoia. Man, we smoked a lot of weed.

You and me... You were trying to put me down with weed You and me got into the dumbest standoff i have ever had in my entire life which was at uh 12 o'clock in the afternoon on the tuesday uh we just had so much weed left and i just kept rolling joints and i mean fat, thick, like two-thirds weed to one tobacco just to get the burning right. And the second I was done smoking, I'd roll another one. And it was just like, I'm going to knock one of us out. We got through 12 of them.

It was like a game of Russian roulette, but there wasn't a live bullet in there. That was the most... Oh, God, I was high. It was wonderful. And then the next day Went back into town At about Seven Got some ribs

And eh Got stoned again Yeah We'd done it again the next night But we couldn't Everything was done on the first night It was a good session It was great

Fucking nailed it That was a That was a proper Just for all the pussies listening Just know that everyone listening to this Apart from us would have died Oh yeah it was more of a suicide attempt Than anything the pussies listening just know that everyone listening to this apart from us would have died oh yeah it was more of a suicide attempt than anything else but just let you know

the thing is we don't say don't do drugs we just say don't do drugs or drink to the level that we do it because we're just better at it than all of you I've been trained for that moment all my life look at CM Punk stepping into the fucking octagon with Mickey Gall at the that's you right you've been drinking in the

wwe for years and years and years you're like oh i'm cool i can have an obsession no i can't no i can't you know what i think you know when people talk to you about like oh you don't know tiredness until you've had children you don't know what it's like to be tired i'm like okay try and go toe-to-toe with me in glastastonbury alright see if you can last from fucking Wednesday till Monday in Glastonbury with me right you'll be dying to get home

where you can fucking tuck your children in at seven watch the soaps so now we are in Romania where we've never been in Transylvania

and I have I have had a friend send through twelve things I bet you didn't know about Romania Kai twelve things I bet I didn't know about Romania and I have had a friend send through 12 things I bet you didn't know about Romania Kai 12 things I bet I didn't know about Romania

I bet I can match you with facts that you didn't know off the top of my head about Romania yeah right go for it ok Romania

is one of the happiest cemeteries on earth it's because they're all undead what it's because they're all undead they're all still alive no it's chilling

it's just loads of colourful pictures of dead people. Okay. So here's a little fact about Romania for you.

In Transylvania, the vampires that were known for sucking blood, it was actually mistranslated over the years, and when they say

the vampires are bloodsuckers, they used to just blow the LA gang, the bloods, they would suck them off. It's part of their allegiance. Crips come to Transylvania safe as fuck.

Bloods come here getting noshed to death. Because the Crips famously started in 1424. Yeah. No? Yeah, they just started

in 1024. I do know a fact about mistranslation that is true is, you know, in the Bible and the Quran and all that stuff so that was all

originally written in aramaic which uh one of the very very ancient first sort of languages uh just after they changed from writing in cuneiform which is like a wedge shape writing but aramaic eventually became like they wrote in squares which was very weird and easy to mistranslate and the word virgins, and it was constantly mistranslated, Mary Magdalene, in the original translation, was described as a virgin, which she was. But the term for a virgin back there was not someone who had had sex.

It was a term for a young woman, which Mary Magdalene was. She would have been about 12 or 13 years old, which was standard practice. So virgin just means maiden? Maiden, aye, aye. And Joseph was a fucking nonce mate he was probably about 35

he was 35 probably noncing around and how old was the virgin Mary about 13 Mary Magdalene the virgin Mary no that's

Jesus is Mary aye he got it with a bit in his mother's name aye that's weird that'd be fucking weird if I was dating a Linda it'd be kind of odd

it wasn't Mary Magdalene no it was his Mary no yeah no it was the original of odd It wasn't Mary Magdalene No it was his Mary No yeah no It was the original Virgin Mary Who wasn't a virgin And That's also where

The mistranslation For the 72 virgins Oh so they're just Going to get 72 youngins In heaven No even worse For the Fucking blowing people up

So they go And knock someone in heaven That's grapes Grapes Grapes They get grapes Like They're going up For a fucking bottle Of Sauvignon Blanc that they can't

even drink. Yeah, because they can't even ferment the grapes. So it's translated, grapes were like, were called pearls of the earth. And we're a sign of wealth back then. So it was like 72 grapes. And it wasn't for suicide bombing. It was just like, if you got up there, it was something that you were given. Imagine how misled you'd feel. I'd just gone up there to feed fed something that you were given. Imagine how misled you'd feel. I'd just gone up there to feed feds some fucking grapes.

Not even seedless. Spitting out the pips. Be like, am I not even getting a woman to feed this for me? Nah, nah, it's only blokes up here, mate. Nah, just loads of blokes

with 72 grapes because you make them last a half hour eternity. Fucking nibble a tiny little corner off your grape. Aye, I was driving that fucking thing into a school, you fucking mug.

Enjoy your 72 grapes for eternity. You're going to be hungry. Shall I go into more Romania facts? Oh God, I don't know how many I can fabricate. Romania inventors have changed the world.

Oh, it's boring. Not doing that one. I'm not reading any further. You just want to go off the headline. Romania is Europe's richest country In gold resources I am not buying that

I've just drove through fucking Cluj Cluj Cluj Cluj There's this like concrete building It is the thing What I find with most of like Eastern Europe

Is the outskirts Of every city Are exactly what Someone who voted for Brexit thinks it looks like. It's just like, oh god, it's war-torn, there's vandalism everywhere. But the second you get into the city centre of any of these places, you go

holy fucking shit! It's like a centrifuge of rubble. This one will fascinate you. Romania boasts the world's largest administrative building. They boast about it. But they don't have it. They just boast. Aye.

It's over there. Hey, because nobody's going to fact check that. I've got a massive dick knocking it out, though. Aye. See that building over there? Yeah. It's the largest administrative building. Oh, I'm going to trust you, because why would I research that?

Big getaway for years. Romania's national currency is lū, which means lion in English. So it's not euros? Nah. Oh, fuck's sake, I need a cash point. This day gets worse. The largest population of brown bears in

Europe lives in Romania. Nice one. Fuck off. Just land that on us as I'm about to walk the street. Well, apparently, they've got the world's... They've got the most bear sanctuaries in Romania because they've also got the highest rate of abusing bears,

which just shows you how fucking hard Romanians are. Like, in the UK, our sanctuaries are for abused cats, abused dogs, abused kids, and abused donkeys. Now, I'm not being a dick, but i could be any one of those cunts in a fight that's fair yeah those are easy you shouldn't but those are easy to abuse that you just beat it all right just beat up if you can abuse a bear

like that means a child can abuse me yeah like i get abused by a child you're like no no no you're the predator in this you can abuse him on nothing the whole bear thing the bear's abusing you but apparently they're hard enough to abuse bears and look

abusing animals is absolutely wrong but that takes stones mate yeah I abused a shark the other week I'm in trouble I won't be swimming

around these waters anymore popped it on the nose it came to bite us popped it on the nose swam off cried us. Bopped it on the nose. Swam off, cried. I give it a Chinese burn on its fin. I said uncle, I said uncle. Fish hooked it right in the gills.

Oil checked it. Oil checked it. I don't even know if sharks have bumholes. They must, do they? They've got to have a bumhole. Well done. Or else they're going to rape it. Spent all this time chasing down the shark,

and I can't even fuck it. It's political correctness gone mad. Get the dolphins back. Oh, they practice nasal sex, you know that? They actually fuck each other in the nostril. Aye, sluts. They've just got one nostril. The butthole?

Yeah. Is that a nostril? I think so. It's got a nose. It can't be a nostril. It's like operators and nostril. But I think a nostril's got to be on your nose, right? No. It's got to be a backstral. Nah. Just because we have nostrils on our feet, like other people, like elephants have got their nostrils down there. Oh, that is their nose though. I mean, my belly button's a nostril. It's got to be for nostrils. Butthole's

a nostril. I mean, I'd hate if my asshole was a nostril nose I mean my belly button's a nostril it's got to be for nostrils buttholes and nostrils I mean I'd hate if my asshole was a nostril I mean I've tried putting coke in all of them Amsterdam was fucking crazy we're going to see

where's all the coke I was in Kai's belly button he's storing it for winter greedy guts literal greedy guts we've chatted enough shite no I haven't For winter, greedy guts. Winter. Literal greedy guts.

We've chatted and have shite. No, we haven't. What have you got to say then? More facts about Romania. I've only got two more. The Romanian football team in 2000 and, sorry, 1996, all bleached their hair for the entire Euro 96 tournament. Yeah, but you don't know why.

They just bleached their hair. They're just being lads. Lads being friends. does it make them go faster it's just camaraderie it just builds morale you know a champ when like the morale of players can go down

when they bleach their hair put their morale up a little bit makes all their stats apply well from bleach hair so it's like I was just doing something the same so when you bleach your hair

when you were a kid is that because you were a massive fan of the Romanian football team or were you just a fucking weapon I just didn't want to be ginger that's fair just bleach up your ginger like no one would be able to tell by your freckles you were a massive fan of the Romanian football team or were you just a fucking weapon? I just didn't want to be ginger.

That's fair. I just didn't want to be ginger like no one would be able to tell by me fricking. And the fact that you'd been ginger your whole life and your nickname was Gingy. The fact I stunk of piss. Right. The only gold museum in Europe. Here?

Yep. So they love that gold, right? I love it. Bling bling. Why haven't they posted about that? Instead of that big... Oh, look at this massive building. What about all the gold?

Look at this building, though. Huge. Massive. It's not as big as other buildings, but... What about that building full of gold over there? I'm humble about that one. It's quite small, that one, actually. It's not as tall, though.

It was the first city Lit by electric street lamps In continental Europe Well he has a little fact To have the electric festival At the castle That is true That's not what he wants you for Isn't that some shit

I say you know some shit One of our drivers Flava Flav Told you that Flava Flav goes to show Her name's Flavia With the gold on Her name's Flavia

But we've obviously Called her Flava Flav Which is a reference I don't know if she gets Do you her Flava Flav Which is a reference I don't know if she gets Do you get Flava Flav in Romania? What the rapper? No Is he from Public Enemy?

Don't know I profess to know me rap music But I've never really Do you boast about it? I know he I boast about it I know he wears a big clock Don't he?

Flava Flav Oh yeah In his fifties he still Cracks on with his clock Oh this is my thing This is the aftitation That I like That must be

I like to wear a clock Around me neck That must be one of the shittest things about being a rapper right because if you're an actor you can age gracefully because like you just go for like older roles and like other musicians as well like you just adapt music like if you're a rapper your decision on what you look like for the rest of your fucking life is made by the 17 year old version of you 50 year old bloke with cornrows you call yourself snoop snoop doggy dog your fucking pet name off your bed snoop dog fucking grow up oh snoop lion you think that's grown up can't you tell snoop lion get a

fucking grip of yourself oh i smoke weed every day he's dead now he shouldn't smoke weed every day nate should have sung smoke weed in moderation have a little have a little word with ourselves like just let it go at the age of 30 just oh shit i'm 30 forever to smoke weed in moderation have a little have a little word with ourselves just let it go at the age of 30 just oh shit I'm 30 forever to smoke weed imagine if

imagine if what would you be now if you had made a career the 17 year old you and you just had to stick it I'd have bleached hair I'd have kibosh written

on the back of my boss loner top you'd be a virgin I'd straighten my hair be fucking loads of bitches Nah But I let all that go I put away the glory days

I put the glory days down I hung this shirt up I hung something kiboshed in You couldn't have gotten laid much back in your day I did alright you know Did you? I did okay I did good

I mean you're not You know when I went from girlfriend to girlfriend So like I did okay I did good I mean You're not You know when I went from girlfriend to girlfriend So like I had short spells of being single Aye I had a spell in When would it have been? 2012 Before I met Natalie

The end of 2011 I knew then No I knew you then I was in comedy then But that was more Yeah I'm talking like when you were 17, 18 I had another time as well When I broke up with my missus

When I was 22 And you cried? I was about 23 A little bit of a cry, you know? Crooked out tears Just gotta let him see them, dude Just gotta make sure you don't look like a fucking sociopath No Nah, eh

I did that alright Go back in the game I was a good dancer No I was a good dancer, so I got on the dance floor, just worked me magic Yeah Girls would fall like dominoes Would I? him he's a good dancer no good dancer so i got on the dance floor just wait me magic yeah girls would fall like dominoes would i i'm not what what moves do you have me me matty and khan used to go out we used to call ourselves the schmooze council get the red line and look at girls and talk about

what we'd like to do and then not do it treacherous I don't know to be honest I was just like a slut in the leisure centre I had like it was an incestuous workplace

no you fucked your mum so I would just just rattle and run the sports centre weren't we did you ever fuck in the pool as kids yeah but I didn't

finish in there oh that's nice that's good of you that would be rude yeah that is rude I mean because Spanx floats does it would have been like Yeah, but I didn't finish in there. Oh, that's nice. That's good of you. That would be rude. Yeah, that is rude. I mean, because Spanx floats, does it? Would have been like being in a lava lamp, mate.

Swimming around a lava lamp. Would have been like a level from Echo the Dolphin. You've got to clean up the sewage. Fair Sonic Boom at the fucking floaty bulbous messes. Oh, where did you come then? Jacuzzi? Sauna. Oh, not in the hot rocks.

In a hot rocks. In a her sauna. Aye. Turned into a steam room. Right, should we do Muggle Corner? Yeah, please. Can we get off my teenage sex life? We could get on to mine, but mine was to mine, mine was alright, I reckon.

Yeah, well, you were going out with Alison for most of your days. Yeah, I spent between the ages of 15 to 18 single, then with Alison for two and a half years, and then just a disgusting slut after

that for a while. I say slut, I have to say that for the women listeners, for the guys You've always relied on your stature in the industry, you've always enjoyed being a public figure and people generally knowing who you are I've rarely ever seen you when you were single, seal the deal

with someone that didn't know you before you met That's true No but that's the thing, my problem with chatting up girls even to this day is just like there's so many the reasons I don't do it like just going up

to talk to a girl right she might be in a relationship she might not be there to pick up she might be meeting someone else she might be a lesbian she might be bisexual

she might be pansexual she might not be in the mood like she might have just gone out of a bad breakup her dad might have just all this stuff and then it's just me going oh yeah

like I'm not I hate that just like starting when when you're single starting chatting like just going into a pub

or a nightclub where there's loud music playing and that's why like you'll get people who are just like like quite attractive people that are like they'll have gravity

you know if I'm in a nightclub I'm so disarmed yeah like I need my chat to get me through the game yeah I'm not getting I'm not getting by on my looks

like yeah no one's coming to grind up against me on the dance floor yeah I'm gonna get the violins out here I know where my strengths are dance floor ain't it yeah

same with me with like my chat is good but I need the opener I can't do the opening I can't start chatting to you. That's why

I like Tinder because Tinder gets rid of all that. The second you're talking to someone on Tinder you know they like you because you can only talk to them if they like you. So that's like a level of like okay so you've both shown interest and then in order to even get on a date with the person you've got to have chat

for a bit. You've got to prove that you're not a psychopath or a murderer or like just sending massive dick pics, which I've never understood So the thing with Tinder, do you think it's safer with Tinder than it is with meeting someone at a bar because they can pull a file on you, they can find information about you, they can search your name, they can go on your Facebook

I totally think so But if you just chat to a guy in the bar, like you're just kind of like, they're just taking your word for what you're saying Yeah, and I don't mind that background check like if girls want to find out more about me i'm like sure go ahead like if that makes you feel safer going on a date than it does just i just can't chat girls up in bars yeah there's mind you once mark smith comedian i was talking to him about this years and years ago he's like you just need to learn to talk to girls in

the nightclub i was like nah I can't do that mate and he took me properly under his wing in a nightclub and he was just like the girl was looking at me and he's like she's looking at you I'm like she could be looking at anyone he was like she's looking at you go up and say hi and ask her if you can buy her a drink I'm like Mark Mark I don't think it's that simple Mark

come on now come on Mark he went go buy her a drink she was like yeah I was like oh cool spoke to her for like 15 drink I'm like Can I go buy a drink She was like Yeah I was like Oh cool Spoke to her For like 15 minutes Mark was like

We should go somewhere else Get her number I was like Mark I've known her for 15 minutes I can't just get her number She's like What you got a hacker phone

Or something He went Let's go up And ask her for her number I'm like Mark Mark Marcus

Stop It doesn't work this way Wait up Can I have your number She was like Sure How about a kiss And I'm like

The fuck is this She said how about a kiss Did you just re-write history on it Did she just say No You were thinking have your number she was like sure how about a kiss and I'm like the fuck is this she said how about a kiss did you just rewrite history or did she just say no you were saying can I have your number and she went

how about a kiss as well as well alright oh fucking buy one get one free in for a penny yeah

should I ask for two numbers can I get your mates as well email address as well how about a finger in oh this is easy hey can I have your address alright so em yeah I found that I found an email address as well not about a finger in oh this is easy you can have your address alright so em

yeah I found that I found way more easy I talked to girls em when I was single if I if I

wasn't hitting on them you know like if you just get it out your head that yeah there's an end game the minute you get it out your head like oh I want to hopefully get this girl's number

is your massive life hack right now pretend women are people What? It's honestly It's horrific as that sounds But when you're single And you're young and you're a man And you've got that one track mind where you go out drinking

And that is your goal to try and pull But the minute you stop trying to pull Is the minute you start pulling Yeah And it is The second you stop trying to pull is the minute you start pulling. Yeah. Yeah, and it is. The second you stop, the second sex stops being the end game and it's going out and having fun,

you'll end up having sex just naturally. Yeah, and when you can talk to a girl as well and be able to be comfortable with her leaving and you might not see her again. Yeah. Just remember, women owe you nothing. Yeah, absolutely. Literally nothing. Buy them as many drinks as her again. Yeah. Just remember, women owe you nothing. Yeah, oh, absolutely.

Literally nothing. Buy them as many drinks as you want, nothing. Nothing. Like, it's not a restaurant. But yeah, I feel like, in a relationship,

like, I feel like my girlfriend's so safe, because I have to, I have to actually chase anything to get it, you know? Like, I just need to stay, if you're in a relationship

you stay away from temptation and that's quite easy for me to do I feel sorry for the fucking Tiger Woods of the world who are clearly having supermodels throw themselves

at them all the time it's dead easy for you not to cheat yeah because you're rancid well I do you have more respect for Natalie

since she's hot as fuck and doesn't cheat I feel like she's taking one for the team like she must get offers on the like if

even if she had an iPhone I reckon if Natalie were to download Tinder it would turn into a Samsung Galaxy I like to think that she bores

people to death by just talking about how lovely her boyfriend is every time they chat her up that's what I like

to think am I saying it's happening this is the world I've created it's my little comfort bubble you know what though I am so comfortable

with the fact that if people are buying Natalie drinks the whole like she owes them nothing I am so happy with other dudes buying my girlfriend drinks

I'm happy with her like chatting to them and fucking smiling into their eyes while they're getting drinks that doesn't spark any jealousy at all I've never been a jealous uh person really and some sometime sometimes so unjealous to the point where like my ex-girlfriend lauren called me

arrogant and this might be true but she was like what would you do if i cheated on you and i was like laugh like i'd laugh because not because like don't get me wrong I'd be I'd be upset because obviously the relationship would be over but never assumed that me being single is a punishment

never assumed that like oh well I'm gonna I'm gonna go back to being able to do what I want with my evenings like go out

and have like not have hang out with my friends whenever I want on a whim yeah because being single it shouldn't be terrifying it should you should I want on a whim being single shouldn't be terrifying you should find so much

comfort in being single that when you meet someone they are better than that they are not saving you from that that's exactly it a girlfriend or a boyfriend shouldn't save you from being single no no no exactly I think whenever you fall in love and get into a relationship

it should be proper reluctant you shouldn't be like yes I fall in love it should be and get into a relationship it should be proper reluctant like it should be you shouldn't be like yes i'm in a relationship it should be like oh fuck oh i feel like i was doomed fuck i really love this person god damn it this person i love so much and care about so much um i now don't want to fuck anyone else god fucking damn it what massive inconvenience like that to me is what it should be as opposed to oh for you yes I couldn't have been happy

I'd been single when I met Natalie and she was a proper spanner in the works it was a total game changer I'm just there was a point where I'm just like

I can't let this slide I've got to walk away from the table you never do better nah you never do better I mean Natalie if you're listening

try us bitch just try us dump us see what happens do I I mean please don't I listening try us bitch just try us dump us see what happens should I I mean please don't I'm begging you please please stay

Natalie also for my safety could you not just because I'd hate to have to pick a side I mean I know you think you're confident

but I wouldn't be I'm not I'm not walking around in a Team Humphrey shirt straight away because the thing is if you and Natalie break up it's you that fucked up oh yeah like there's Because the thing is, if you and Natalie break up, it's you that fucked up.

There's not a scenario where you and her break up and she's fucked up. Because I'm like, I've finally had enough. I've finally had enough with this mess. She made my eggs over easy this morning. So that would be why I couldn't take your team, because there's

not a scenario where you break up with her and it's not your fault. Is that in a way not even more tragic? Because she's my friend now. be why I couldn't take your team because there's not a scenario where you break up with her and it's not your fault and I've Is that in a way not even more tragic? Because she's my friend now Is that even more that I'm the one

that needs people? She's not even like Kai's girlfriend to be she's my friend Natalie I text her she calls me sometimes we dirty talk

You text her more than me on this tour every time I've told her something about like the Jeff shirt or something like that she's like oh yeah I know

Danny sent us a picture Just to remind her of who's in charge breathing down your neck just waiting just waiting for that moment to pounce Muggle Corner

now for those of you that haven't listened to the podcast before this is a part of the podcast where essentially we call people that we find a bit dull

and tedious and non-essential to the human race like like you know evolution wise some of these people were there that would matter however we both and you guys all fall into the bracket of being a muggle sometimes yeah sometimes the indicators of what makes you a muggle sometimes people have every muggle trait and they light up as a muggle. You'll know them in your life. Muggle beacons.

And it doesn't make them bad people. Muggles are normally lovely, harmless people, but they're not bad people. They just suck at being people. So this is where we nominate three things each that belong in Muggle Corner. If you are guilty of any of the things, you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds to think about what a pathetic little fucking muggle you are and i'm gonna go first

because i think we've got the same thing because it happened today oh i know exactly which one this is right say it after three one two three muggles when the plane lands oh i've not i only experience it in america normally and that is because 95% of Americans are muggles. And that's not an exact... Just because there's a huge population, there's 300 fucking million of them, that means 15 million of them, not muggles. The rest of them, all treacherous fucking muggles.

But clapping when the plane lands. What did you think it was going to do? Like, would you boo if it crashed? It's the minimum requirement crashed it's the minimum requirement it's minimum like i do have to like if the plane crashes are you there going get off yeah oh like it's however we expect people to clap when our job ends that is true stand-up comedians we leave the stage and people clap it all we've clap when our job ends. That is true. As stand-up comedians, we leave the stage and people clap. All we've done is our job.

Yet we expect that we would be... Not heartbroken. We might be heartbroken. No, no, no. If you walk off stage, people are not clapping. The bare minimum of a comedy show, I would argue, is I've only promised I'm going to stand on stage and tell what I think are jokes for 60 minutes.

You might disagree with the jokes, but I've fulfilled my job then. And they clap us on. We don't clap on takeoff. Yeah, like you, your job is to land the fucking plane. But also, I'm going to defend our corner as comedians. The whole clapping when we walk on stage, clapping when we walk off occasionally when we're on stage

is to add atmosphere because that gig isn't just our responsibility, it's theirs too. That plane would fly exactly the same without passengers on it. The gig wouldn't go exactly the same without audience members in it. So the fact that us and the audience or team, and we build the atmosphere together, we create that together, and everything that happens is us working together, that is not what's happening on the plane

so that's what takes place At no point was my hand out the fucking window flapping or steering the fucking wings I just don't If you are one of those muggles that do it, can you please explain why you do it? Are you congratulating the pilot? Is that what it is?

Are you happy that you've landed? What? Do you think the pilot likes it? Do you think the pilot hears the smattering of applause from behind that door and goes yeah. Do you reckon when it's only like three of them that do it it's just like tough crowd? Yeah. Fucking hell. Jesus Christ.

That crowd's got no chemistry. They tried to start a round of applause but didn't quite have the leadership skills. No. For those of you that don't know there are many stock lines that we both have that we hate of each others and one of Kai's is whenever someone starts

I can see it coming a fucking mile off if an audience member claps once and no one else joins in he always goes oh look at you, tried to start a round of applause but did quite of the leadership skills. And everyone laughs because it's hilarious. He's not making it up.

He's a liar. Well, I said it for the first time once and I thought it was funny when I said it. All of them thought it was funny. And then the next time, I was like, oh, but they just shouted for the first time too.

So then I just said it for the second time. And now I've said it for the one millionth time. Overly done. So I think we both agree. Clapping when an airplane lands. You are just a pathetic muggle. Like it's so...

Give us the logic to it. Otherwise, get in that fucking corner and clap for 30 seconds. You muggly fuck. Muggles... Did you have that yeah i did muggles don't use real swear words uh and also added into that like when they're swearing online they'll put like asterisks is in yeah grow up you fucking child people that go oh oh darn oh gosh darn. Gosh, darn it. Mate, we're all adults. Bull crap. Oh, fizz. Do you know, putting this podcast on,

I put the word bullshit in once and it asterisked out the shit on iTunes so it looks like we've put asterisks in. Just to make us seem like little dweebs. Yeah. I can't believe they'd embarrass us like that. It's the worst thing with Facebook. The reason I'm bad at getting constant

arguments with my agent about promoting on Facebook is part of who I am is I call the audience can't just swear at them, they're my mates my audience are my friends and as you know I'm horrible to my friends so whenever I'm on tour I'm like what's up Cants I'm going on tour to some of the shitholes that you fuckers live in

and Facebook's like oh we can't you've got to do another one and you've got to uh post it without swear words in and I'm like I'm not doing that because that doesn't sound imagine if I went to my fans hey guys and gals uh just like you know very excited to be going on tour uh can't wait to see you all in the lovely places that you live in uh please come on down and be the world to me and Kai nah oh shucks guys it's going to be mighty swell oh it would be it would be a great deal to me and Kai Nah Oh shucks guys It's going to be mighty swell Oh It would be a great deal to me and Kai If you guys come along and have fun with us

Jiminy Krimitz Help my boob I'm just I'm foaming at the mouth with excitement me I'm gadzooked So Replacement swear words Because

And here's the thing People that go You can't swear in front of children Here's why you are wrong If you have ever sworn in front of a child over the age of five, you understand how funny it is to children when you swear. It's very easy to tell a child that you can swear, but they cannot. Because that becomes part of the...

You're not going to stop children from swearing. You're just not. I've called my brothers cunts since they were five. They've never said the word cunt back. Because they know they're not allowed to say it. But they both seem a bit brain damaged. They both seem like they've seen some things. Yeah.

You've ruined them, dude. They're fucked. They're a pair of cunts. Act like a cunt, die like a cunt. If the shoe fits. Nah, good kids. Also, I got told off for swearing In front of a Eight month old baby I went

I was talking to a friend I went Oh for fuck's sake Someone went Dude I was like If that baby says fuck You owe me money

That's a miracle Like that's Like I would be thrilled If my little My little baby His first word was fuck Or sh

Or muggle Medical Medical science has been I overwhelmed Records have been broken For a kid saying fuck How old actually When did they start speaking Fuck Or muggle Medical science has been Overwhelmed Records have been broken For a kid saying fuck How old actually When did they start speaking

Is it eight months I don't know It's after that isn't it So eight months would be Like a breakthrough A proper breakthrough His flaps That's a genius of a baby

Like say if you're like Oh you want some milk I obviously can't Smart kid You know I don't swear In front of my girlfriend's parents. Oh, really? I got asked not to do that, yeah.

Oh, no, that I can understand for a period of time. I'll tone it down because that... It's decorum, isn't it? Yeah, you've got... I wouldn't swear in front of my grandmother. Back in the day, I wouldn't have sworn in front of... But saying that, I would have been a lot younger. Yeah, maybe I don't swear.

But then again, I just don't... But I don't replace the words, that's my thing. I solve my lexicon to get around the problem. I used to do swimming teaching, so I would get the hang of being able to switch it on and switch it off. But when I went to be girlfriend's parents for the first time... You put armbands on her dad. Just go back into the swing of things. Used to not swear and be like...

Brush your ears. One, two, bubbles, breathe. Touch your pocket, touch the ceiling. bubbles breathe. Touch your pocket, touch the ceiling. Fucking Bobby touch your pocket, touch the fucking ceiling. I blew it, I get angry when you're not swimming properly. Weird little skit.

So I went there and I thought I hadn't swore but then she said, Natalie said afterwards, she rammed off all the things I said and at one point I called Susan Boyle a cock block and I can't even think what the context of that was but

must have been doing a bit aye Susan Boyle you called Susan Boyle a cock block was that like your first time meeting her I've never met Susan Boyle she was meant to be at Bathgate

no you fucking twat your girlfriend's parents ah I thought you meant Susan Boyle why would I have meant Susan Boyle because apparently she cock blocked us I mean is that not the story you'd like to find out I mean I would but clearly you don't know the context it was in how apparently she cock-blocked this I mean is that not the story you'd like to find out I mean I would

but clearly you don't know the context it was in how would she cock-block you I don't know cock-blocked by Susan Boyle

I honestly don't know how that happened I'm also just curious why that would come up in conversation why are you

talking about cock-blocking anyway I don't know I'm just good at dinner parties I'm good at dinner parties

I have all their stories I certainly make shit up that was the first time I met them yeah Oh fucking good one Yeah as well

It was getting cold outside And my dad brought us A jacket to put on Brought us a fleece to put on And then He said fucking thanks Nah I think you might have been

Covering up me tattoos No I don't know No I don't know I was new there No because he's not Muslim

He's not He's just a respectable Really like Decent sweet man See my grandparents Hate swearing And my tattoos Yeah

So I'm just Yeah I will say though Like When I do have a girlfriend And if I meet My girlfriend's parents Oh they're going to be

Devastated When we break up parents love me I can proper flick on the charm like that exactly what you said they're going

to the separate person the yes or no sort of through still cheeky enough that like the mum likes me and

oh yeah you're not giving a full misinterpretation of yourself but man you'll get down on a jigsaw oh mate I'll throw down

man I threw down like nobody's business I got all the edges done I even done a little bit of the sky nobody wants to do the sky bit

just did it oh but I just stepped up to the plate her mum was doing the cat and I was like you know what I've got the eye

here but I'm just going to leave the eye near so she can find it by herself meanwhile just sort the sky by myself fucking legend

and I'll dump you and your mum will be devastated that jigsaw's not going to finish itself right so if you swear

if you use shit swear words so I think operating decorum is fine yeah but if it's if it's part of your daily fucking

life if you if you work in the service industry don't like that guy at Subway oh he was amazing

where he went do you want some of this shit talking about the cheese do you want some of this shit? Talking about the cheese. Do you want some of this shit? Do you want some of this shit? I mean, the guy,

what he'd done there, he knows he's in a service industry, he's not meant to say stuff like, do you want some of this shit? But he checked his audience, he looked at the shop and went, ah, let's drop the fucking show. We're all people.

Do you want some of this shit? And we did. Yeah, I'll have some of that shit. We absolutely did want some of that shit. Right, well, you've got two more to do since you stole mine. Well, we both had the same one. Anybody that's got...

Because I used to see this when I was delivering newspapers, and I know it's a thing on people's doors, but when people have got signs up saying, like, no junk mail, no canvassing, no salesman or whatever, like, who's that bothered by putting a junk mail in the bin that they're going to get into fucking Wilco's or Poundland and get a stupid little sign that you put a sticker on your window? Just chuck your fucking junk mail in the bin.

Just let it mount up. See, yeah, I get a lot of junk mail. I just put it... I don't flinch. It doesn't ruin my day. Also, like, I've never delivered stuff like that, but I can't imagine a fucking little sign's going to go blue. Oh, well, the sign says, this is an official sign. Like, you can't just get this from any fucking shop.

Oh, well, it says, dear occupier on this letter, I probably shouldn't put it through this because of the sticker. That's up. You're just going to, ah, fuck that muggle. Just give him his junk mail anyway. Yeah, fuck him. What's he going to do? Well, the fucking lawyer's going to listen to his sticker. Fucking prick.

In fact, you know what? You're getting the junk mail From everyone in this street You fucking nerd Clearly it bothers you Honestly your letterbox Is now where my chewing gum Goes on every fucking round You fucking bellend

With junk mail Anyway no canvassing What's canvassing It's a Yeah We're putting posters up In windows He's putting posters up

On people's houses I've never seen No canvassing I've never seen anyone Say no canvassing on a house that's normally for shops Nah it's on houses as well Is it? I see it on my pet around No canvassing

Is fucking Banksy just working your streets? Banksy? Aye You're thinking of canvases like where you get a print Yeah I don't think that's what it is What is it then? I think it's like something to do with salesmen

Something to do with like Jehovah's Witnesses maybe canvassers? I don't know. God, there are people. I do feel sorry for some of the listeners in this podcast, specifically my mother. That knows who a canvasser is. No, no, just who knows more,

because we're idiots. And sometimes, because sometimes we sound intelligent on stage, people assume that... Speak for yourself. I will? You nearly got offended by that I did

I was like hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on

hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on to do a podcast with two blokes in it if you want to listen to a fucking intelligent podcast where people think things through why don't you go listen

to one with a fucking chick in it who does some research Sophie Hagen's got a great podcast go listen to her yeah it's well well

well researched probably they don't they don't have things to fill the silence probably everyone's laughing all the time go listen to that but muggles

no muggles yeah no I totally agree. Like, just those... Like, that is the lowest form of policing. Like, people are just like, I'm in charge of this. Those are the same people who complain about hedges, being like, your hedge is coming into my yard. Well, sort it then.

It's bothering you. I don't give a fuck if you cut my hedge. I've got better things going on. Your vibrations are coming into my earwaves, so fucking one, one. You're cupcaking me with your eyes, with your fucking visual appearance on the daily. Turn out to my fucking door.

Excuse me. Bushes encroaching on my garden. I can't imagine a world where that would bother us. Where I'm pacing the floor, but next door's bush. You just can't deal with it. Cut it down yourself. I'll just leave it. You think I'm going to complain about you? Just have a bit where that would bother us. Where I'm pacing the floor next to those bushes. I just can't deal with it. Cut it down yourself. I just leave it.

You think I'm going to complain about you? Just have a bit of that bush in your garden. I don't know. Maybe I'm not homely enough. Maybe I travel and wander too much. Maybe I live in hotels a bit much to understand the gripes of keeping a home. I've had one recently,

but my neighbours are fucking sound as fuck. So we've got a big ass tree in our garden that was grown up and it's like three floors and the tree's never bothered me because I'm never in that garden and our neighbour who is lovely she was like hey the neighbours just had their

tree cut your tree is literally it's pushing against our window now so when it's windy it's banging against the thing it's blocking her view and our satellite's up there so we're not getting good fee would you mind cutting that tree down we'll chip in now in that sense i'm like oh absolutely and that was a conversation that was a that was a conversation she turned she even offered to pay she was like i'll chip in for it

and i was like no no no like mog snatched our money like, no, no, it's my tree. My tree? My tree to you? My tree, aye. It's my tree, my problem, I'll deal with it. I'm not going to cry. It's like 150 quid to cut the fucking things off. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to cut down that tree, get all that tree made into fucking little leaflets and just fucking fly poster constantly.

Totally muggle. Anything that's got to stick our own policingdle anything that's got a sticker up policing because that's another thing neighbourhood watch operates in this area have you ever seen them stickers yeah oh I'm scared

like it should anyway like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna I'm not gonna look out my window right see someone climbing up the ladder through fucking the house across the road

and be like no Sandra Sandra didn't invite me around for bickies she's not she's not part of the scheme she didn't put her name on the list for the road. I'd be like, no, Sandra didn't invite me around for Bickies. She's not part of the scheme. She didn't put her name on the list for the Neighbourhood Watch.

She's going to regret that. Aye. Aye. TV's on the second landing. Yep, it's a two pound subscription and you get a sticker. Aye. And that's,

I'm not going to snitch. That's the kind of person I am. It's a bitch. So I think, yeah, police and stickers putting them on, yeah. Totally.

This is one, now, that I'm kind of guilty of, but I'm also not, of putting a clause. People who vape, but not to quit. Like, there are people that vape who aren't, like, I vape, I will admit I vape, but I do it to stop smoking. It stops me smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in eight months. That's why I vape. Nobody's vaping without smoking. They absolutely are. People just pick's vaping without smoking they absolutely

are people just pick up vaping they fucking do it because in uh and this is for an australian listeners if you were in melbourne this is you and i know it's you because i was in melbourne and i was like where can i get some e-liquid and i went there and no nicotine in them and i was like i need strong nicotine and we don't it's illegal to sell them with nicotine in vict Victoria I'm like what's the fucking point of it then if it doesn't have nicotine in it like what are you this fucking man like what were you doing before vaping were you just chewing fucking uh nicotine chewing gum just putting all the fucking patches on yourself but even if there's no nicotine in it that's still because I know a dude that put nicotine patches on you know dude Troy from Setlist.

Did he? I mean, it's a fucking great lie if he doesn't. But he puts nicotine patches on but never smoke. We've got like a little kick off the nicotine patch.

That's a muggle. We're a muggle, but at least there's nicotine in it. These guys you're talking about who are vaping, right, is it just like putting diluted juice in air?

Yeah, yeah. It's essentially they're flavouring air and just walking it. And these are the ones, like, I don't do smoke tricks. I don't do, like, I'm not, because I want to stop this as soon as I can as well. I don't want to fucking do this for the rest of my life. I want to stop depending on nicotine, so I'm lowering the strength constantly,

weeding myself off it. You do that in people's cars without asking? Like, what? Yeah, of course I do. You think that's rude? No, it's not. If you've got a kid, I wouldn't do it, but I know the science, this isn't dangerous.

Yeah, but they're just, like Niva's farting, but I wouldn't fart in the car. It smells nice though. Farts smell horrible. That's subjective. No, it smells lovely. Like, I don't love the smell of it,

but I'm not a completely type of person. But surely there's people like Anne. Ah, stale vanilla, lush. Thanks for that Daniel nah fuck him

surely you ask right nah because I was like would it bother me like what do you pull out a tuna

sandwich yeah in the car yeah would you not say can I eat this in here no

I'm a fucking grown man grow up get in the car I'm not being told what to eat like if I'm hungry I'm gonna eat

do you instantly take your shoes off when you go into people's houses or do you just tread the dirt yeah yeah it's just that isn't it

nah it's just that it's just like having a little bit of like base level respect and then build up to what they're I don't think

because you go right I don't know what the fucking house rules or the car rules are and I know it's a bit muggly that they're imposing rules but they'll have

systems of how they live like i.e. don't put your shoes on the couch so if you instantly walk in and put your shoes on the couch and you're breaking that and they're like I'm gonna have to., don't put your shoes on the couch. So if you instantly walk in and put your shoes on the couch and you're breaking that, and they're like, I'm going to have to fucking see that.

No, but shoes on the couch is, because that's leaving behind. But also leaving, like, if you change the scent of the car. But this doesn't change the scent of your car. No, it does. I've been there when you've done it. But not permanently. Doesn't it?

No. No, no. No, absolutely not. I'm not sure. Like, I wouldn't think you were rude for getting in my car and smoking your vanilla flavoured fucking spunk whistle

but if I went into somebody else's car I wouldn't assume to be able to do it fucking stop me I just think they're going to give you see what happens

they're going to give you a nasty review on TripAdvisor like if you fucking see if you asked me to stop smoking this I probably would I'd just roll my eyes

behind your back fucking show you let me go home with a flame at you but there are people who just go out there and vape just because

they think it looks cool and they just they don't like the taste of air so they're upgrading to another and I'm just like I was tempted by it

because I smoke occasionally and I was tempted by it when you could smoke them indoors and I was just like oh that would be nice to just be able to stay in on a winter's when you could smoke them indoors. I was just like, oh, that would be nice to just be able to stay in

on a winter's night and fucking smoke it indoors but then started getting pissy about that too and then just had zero appeal. I'm like, if I'm going to go out the back for a cig,

I'm going to go out the back and pretend I have a cig. I do. I go out there smoking in here. Good place to chat with women and blokes. And dogs.

Each to their own. Alright, what's your final one? My final one is very similar To where I ended up going With the junk mail thing Is leaving angry notes on stuff Like passive aggressive notes

Now my agent done it With a dog shit Oh god She put a note On a dog poo On a dog poo On the street Not in her house

Saying thanks for leaving The poo on the street Not She wrote thank you for doing it then not just in case they didn't realise she was being sarcastic

as if the dog's gonna come past and be like oh well I feel bad like don't get me wrong leaving a dog shit that's bad form it's bad form

but your fucking notes dude handing a note to a dog shit it's so funny like I do it sometimes with with bad parking.

Like if it's a busy car and you've parked badly and I have to drive somewhere else. Nah. Yeah, nah, nah, nah. Muggle. Nah. I'll stand in the corner, but everything I do, it's a creative death threat.

Like it's the equivalent of live trolling. Like I get to say horrible stuff to this person and not suffer the consequences just like they got to park horribly

and not suffer the consequences I've had my tires knifed for being parked in someone's space really at least I did something about it

leaving a fucking note just a little bit like oh well I'm actually not going to park there now the note thing wasn't going to work

well no no to be fair the note I do leave is always like this is your first and only warning like because if it's in my street

if you park in front of my driveway I have a driveway if you park in front of that I've left a note there once been like just you probably didn't know

this is my driveway this is my car it's fine this time but if you park here again I will fucking have this toad and impounded yeah I'd probably knock

on a couple of doors if there's someone parked right outside the house knocking on the door and going hiya buster get this shuffled along so I can get my car

off my drive nah wait there's a strongly worded letter that energy because then I've got to go talk to people and work out

whose car it is and then I've got to pretend and then you have to pretend to be nice yeah I'm pissed off I've got to pretend to be like oh no it's fine don't worry about it I really got to go talk to people and work out whose car it is and then I've got to pretend. And then you have to pretend to be nice and you don't have to pretend to be nice. Yeah, I'm pissed off. I've got to pretend to be like, oh, no, it's fine.

Don't worry about it. I really wanted to have this social interaction before going with my day. When me and Gav first moved into a flat in Ashington 10 years ago, he got a letter off one of the neighbours for the noise of a girl during sex. Oh, really?

And I was like, I don't even know how that's an angry note. It's just like, you're only gonna do wonders for his ego by posting that yeah like he's not gonna go oh now I feel silly

22 year old man gets a letter about the fucking stop the constant shagging the legend I'm gonna frame this now I do think

noisy sex is one of the I hate it I think it's one of the rudest things in the world Because sometimes I'm like Right Oh wait I'm not that good Like

There's a girl in Dundee And it's a hotel I'm in a hotel It's one in the morning Right We're having sex And she's making noises And I'm like

There are people sleeping Like you're being rude It's just rude I'm not that My ego's not that fragile Mime it. If I get lip sync, I'll put some porn on, just lip sync along with it. I'll put it on a lower volume. Like, look, I get it. I like making noises when I'm lifting weights,

but if I'm in a busy gym, I'll have some respect. No, you don't. Well, I make noises when I'm, you always, I put my headphones on now. I put my headphones on, noise reducing headphones, and I make noises when I lift weights. Oh, it's awful with you. I'm not so conscious about it. It's all you do in the gym. I'll nod if I feel like people can hear us. But then when I put my headphones on I feel

like I'm in my old world. I'm just like ah fuck it. It's just like you're deflating. I like putting I put an F out even when I

go to the gym. No you do what? I go to the gym it's all or nothing. No. I don't think you can make a full F out when you're lifting heavy if you don't make a can make a full effort when you're lifting heavy

if you don't make a so you find with like you know there's always that controversy that muggles have whenever the women's tennis are on

and all the tops are like oh I can't believe those women are making those noises I've never given a shit like they're

exerting themselves other people actually get annoyed by it oh muggles mate muggles are like oh it's not like really old sexist muggles have been like ohuggles are like, oh, it's not... Like, really old sex is what muggles have been like.

Or it's not very... Sex noises. It's not very womanly for them to be making... Why do the dudes not make a noise when they play tennis? Some of them do when they're fucking exhausted.

But it's also like some of it's mind warfare. Like, Serena Williams and Venus Williams, like, if you're playing them, they are already incredible fucking athletes. See if they're fucking Screaming when they're

Firing a shot over I'd shit my pants more Like it's tactical warfare It's like talking In the UFC Trash talking I'm gonna do that Every sport I play

And I'll watch next time I play darts with someone Wah! Curling Whey! Snooker Woosah! Right

Those are all muggles We need to speed this up So if you Replace swear words With non-swear words 30 seconds in the corner If you clap when an airplane lands That's a minute because we both said it

And you're a fucking muggle And if you vape And not to quit If you're just vaping Just go vape in the corner and fucking suffocate on it, you muggle. What were your ones? Mine was the stick as that police, the mail that goes through your letterbox. Aye.

What you doing? Leaving notes on people's shit. Aye, if you're sad, go write a note in the corner about how much of a fucking muggle you are and how sad you are that we've called you a muggle, and send it to us and we'll frame it, you fucking muggle. Yes, and sad you are that we've called you a muggle and send it to us and we'll frame it you fucking muggle yes and then I think that was everything right so we're going to go into a new game that should be a quick one anyway it's called true or false

where essentially we have one truth about ourselves and two lies and we've got to guess which one is true and which one is lies so it's essentially would I lie to you the TV show because this is a podcast

they can't sue us. I hope. On 8 Out of 10 Cats when I was on it I accidentally groped Rachel Riley. Is Rachel Riley the one from

Emmerdale? No, she's the one on Lisa Riley. She's the one on Countdown she's the new Carol Vorderman. Oh, okay, I got you. She was on 8 out of 10 cats when I was on it

and I accidentally groped her you groped her? aye accidentally accidentally? aye I mean you've said accidentally far too much now they'll protest too much

no it was accidental alright what's the next lie? can I ask questions about each lie? yeah sure yeah alright so could you use the flat of your hand? no it was yeah it was the palm

but it was like it was basically because we were getting makeup done together. And I was in there and I had my jacket. So I was getting my makeup done and there was no one in the chair beside me. So I put my jacket over there and then she came in. And I knew who she was and she was getting makeup done. So I was like, oh, I'll move this stuff. But she sat down too quickly and she sat on my hand. Grabbed her butt.

I didn't grab. I kept it flat, like I was feeding a horse. Which you were trying to do. Yeah, I was trying to, nearly lost a finger. And yeah, I accidentally groped her.

Oh, nice. When I was little, my gran used to make me write letters to the queen on Christmas. To the queen? Aye, Gran Roger. Does she?

Yeah. That's weird. Right, okay. She used to make your right letters to the Queen. Well, because she always, also when

I was younger, she always used to... Where did you get her address? She got like a fan mail. My gran always used to, because she was

old and because I was young and stupid, she always used to say she was friends with the Queen and whenever I was being naughty, she would say she

was going to phone the Queen and I'd start being naughty. I don't know what the Queen was going to do. You got brought up with the Queen

being... A punishment. Oh, my mum said in the family, yeah. Wow, this is hysterical because when I was a kid, right, there was this fake monster that lived under the stairs called the Ogawaga

and if I was naughty, the Ogawaga was going to fucking eat my shit, right? He was going to... He was going to eat your shit? Well, like, eat us. Oh, right, okay. Just like swarm on us.

Just going to come out and eat your poo? Oh, cool. So, right, I'd be naughty, I'd get sweating with the Ogawaga and I'd live in fear of the fucking Ogga Wogga coming into my room or whatever. There's a difference between working class and middle class. And you get told the Queen's going to be displeased.

No, she's going to behead me or something. And so I had to write cards on Christmas. And you put a stamp on as well. She won't accept the letter unless she's got a picture of her own face on it. Fucking narcissist. I was the first kid She might have a No junk mail stamp On her door

Oh mine wasn't junk mail It was fan mail It wasn't fan mail I think it said Thanks for Christmas And stuff like that Thought she knew I was young Thanks for Christmas

Thanks for letting us have it Hope yours was good Alright I was the first kid In East Green's primary school My primary school To get detention In over 30 years

No That's a lie 30 years of no detentions And then all of a sudden You break the fucking rule Yeah Like everyone's just been Living in this utopian

Fucking Like have you read The book The Giver Where everyone's Ridiculously nice to each other And sweet And it's like This harmonious place

But it's got like This overriding level of evil And I was the first one to break that for 30 years because you used to the cane and stuff obviously back in the day then they stopped and it was just like you get sent to the head teacher and stuff you get in trouble that was home but i wasn't allowed to have playground for like a week i always feel sorry for the last teachers that ever give the cane yeah you know like the young teachers that are like, in their late 20s, early 30s, they've got to start

this teaching job, they're giving kids the cane because that's the protocol and then all of a sudden the cane gets revoked and the teachers that used to give the cane just retire.

They're just like, oh, well, the system's changed. PC gone mad, I'm going to leave. And then you're just this 40-year-old teacher who used to hit kids.

Do you think, wouldn't that, the cane wasn't that recent. What? The cane wasn't that recent. I'm saying when it happened. Oh, right, okay. I mean, well, it's archaic, wasn't that recent I'm saying when it happened Oh right okay I mean

Well it's archaic So fuck them I'm sure my dad Used to get the cane I bet he loved it too Got an erection All the way through Just being naughty on purpose

Spank me Spank me So which one of those Do you think's the truth And which one do you think's the lie I think the truth is That you wrote Rachel Riley And I don't think

You wrote letters to the Queen I don't think that holds up fully Especially for Christmas. Your gran had to be a bit bonkers for that to happen, so I'm going to give your gran the benefit of the doubt, and I don't think you were the only person to get detention. You're probably the only person that didn't. Well, you'd be surprised to know,

I was the first kid in my primary school to get detention in over 30 years. Really? Yeah. But you didn't grow up Rachel Riley? No. Not perfect. You thought about doing it No

You did when you lied Well I just You filled this backpack With a memory That you didn't have Yeah I got detention Because I was like One of the most popular kids

Because I was the best at football And so That'll teach you And like Because I was the most popular kid The rest of the kids I wasn't even at school When it happened

But apparently Some kids in there Was off sick Who I was friends with Took one out and like because it was the most popular kids the rest of the kids I wasn't even at school when it happened but apparently some kids one day I was off sick who I was friends with took one of someone the other kid's bag threw it over the wall

in the den and he just go down and get it and then I came to school because he'd been bullied and I got detention because I was the ringleader I was like

what are you even there I don't know it was fucking bullshit so you were guilty for not stopping them aye because you had the power to stop them

as a took your leadership. Punished you for it. Fucking bullshit. Right, what's your three lies? What was your two lies and one truth? I got through the national final to play Snake on the Nokia live to win a trip to Arizona. Okay.

Quiz away. Snake on the 3310. On the 5110 It would have been What's your high score It was in the It was in multiple thousands It was like I think it would have been

4000 and something I'm going to tell you How I did it I kept pausing it On level 9 So the top level of speed I kept pausing it And then

Unpausing it by moving it And then pausing it again So that I completed My high score Fully And collecting all of the Bonus things that you get. And then all you had to do was go to the Carphone Warehouse

and show them your score. And then I got a letter in the post inviting me to the live final to play live. I couldn't play live. I cheated. I couldn't go to the final. So there was an empty seat for the Arizona Heat. Okay, next one.

I had my love letter read out on the Big Breakfast by Vinnie Jones. God! Okay, okay. next one I had my love letter read out on the big breakfast by Vinnie Jones god okay okay question away nah because I think well eventually

because I'm I'm almost certain that's the one that's true alright next one yeah I got sent to hospital for school

from school after splitting my head open when I slipped in a puddle of my mates piss I'm almost open when I slipped in a puddle of my mate's piss. I'm almost certain because I've got a recollection of you telling me the Billy Jones one before. Is that the one that's true? They're all true.

You slipped in your mate's piss. I've got a scar on my head. Can you see the scar above my eyebrow? Not the one that I got off the fucking foot fly. Latitude Festival. There's a scar somewhere. So what happened is me and Andrew Mirrell

went to the toilet. You go to the toilet, buddies from class. I miss them, go to the toilet, went and we were pissing and spinning around like fucking sprinklers Just pissing all over the floor Legends So we're doing this

And then you hear like The door To the like So there's a door And then there's a door For the men's and the women's But there's a main door Men's and women's

Girls and boys Same thing So then there's a main door So we hit the main door And we panicked and ran And when we ran I slipped in the piss. I bust my head open and I had a butterfly stitch in my head.

And piss in it? Piss in it. Piss went into my bloodstream, started pumping through my veins. I wasn't even ginger before that happened. I've got a bit of piss in my blood. Fucking wolfed out. That's your origin story about how you became ginger and smelled like piss. You were just a happy little blonde kid before that.

Slipped in Andrew Melville's piss. Split me head open. In the blood pools, quick out when it's in water. Tell the Vinnie Jones one. Fucking muggle. When I was in school, we got the,

you'll never believe this, Jenny McCarthy read me me letter out too did she jenny mccaffey and vinnie jones right from the top so i'm in school we've got computers in the school and um i'm good for time oh we're well over we're just going away i mean the need to hear this can't just end it now so i used to really fancy this girl in my school called jill reevely and i knew our older sister because we went to air Cadets together Sarah so I really fancied Jill and I was quite public about it

and I wanted to ask her out but I was like I'm really good friends with Sarah so I wrote a letter well I was writing the letter to Johnny Vaughan

and Denise Houghton because they were the fucking big they were the big breakfast hosts so I sent an email I'd done it with my mates and all that

like oh look two emails were brand new fucking imagine this you can write it out press send it goes didn't need a stamp didn't need to send it

this is new technology I'm 33 mate emails it was the thing of the future so I was like oh let's write a letter into the big breakfast and I wrote about

how I look quite fancy chill you look at it it's like I was 25 when I did it fucking 14 so you were 14 still You're looking at us like I was 25 when I did it Fucking 14 So You were 14 still too old

I sent the email I was in year 11 Last year Go hard to go home I was in the last year at school And fuck one day I'm just up I forget all about it

It was about a week later I'm eating my cornflakes. I'm watching as Jenny McCarthy steps in for Denise Van Outen, the Playboy model, Jenny McCarthy, who I printed out on the teacher's desk, remember her? Yeah, big fan. Big fan. So she's there, and Vinnie Jones is there.

Fucking can't believe that he's there. Like, Vinnie Jones was just like, fuck my thing here, I'm reading out love letters. And now I've got a film to promote but fuck sake it's 8 o'clock in the morning fucking 14 year old

ginger cunt sending his love letters my career's meant to be going well I'm fucking Hollywood I'm reading fucking these shit so full so Johnny Vaughan and Jenny McCarthy

start fucking going over this letter and then Jenny McCarthy just get some balls man just get some balls and ask her and I mean that

caused some controversy because she's talking about balls on a daytime TV show so there's a little bit of a kerfuffle in the studio I'm like oh look what I've started

and then Vinnie Jones just come out of his reverie and just went ah just suck her and whose advice did she take tell her to bin her off whose advice did I take do you think I had Aroff. Whose advice did I take?

Do you think I had a choice about what happened next? I'd just been on fucking daytime television. I went into school, I was the laughing stock. Fucking chill was never going to get on it with us after that. A fucking weirdo sending letters into Vinnie Jones. I didn't stand a chance. Is that like the 1990s equivalent of standing outside somebody's window with a fucking boombox, getting Vinnie Jones to read out your love letter, you fucking wimp.

I actually went and ran to her house and said, I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book.

I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. I'm going to go and get a book. Is that like the 1990s equivalent of standing outside somebody's window with a fucking boombox? Getting videos to read that you're in love with at let you fucking whip. Actually, when Run Hay House ones knocked on the door, the type of a... Type of a spurbate that went in. This is cutting me teeth. Yes. I feel like most of this podcast should from now on just be stories of your childhood.

Because they're the ones that make me laugh the hardest. I mean, they tell us us how's that come good oh right your dad jokes let's wrap this up because we are it makes up for the underwhelming amount of time we've done

on the last one go pass us out the fucking tour book as well as my bag okay so your dad jokes. Right. You want to go first?

Aye. Your dad dressed up as Harley Quinn for Halloween. Your dad gets teeth whitening treatment off Group 1. Your dad goes into the tanning bed with a wife beater and Crocs on. Dick out. Your dad takes the sole out of his shoes When he gets in Puts them on the radiator

So they're nice and warm When he goes back out Your dad pronounces it Jeff Instead of gif Is that how it was? No it's the guy Basically

Because it's graphics Something Something Sorry I thought you were talking about The bathroom spray No Sif Your dad forbids your mum Sorry, I thought you were talking about the bathroom spray. No, no. Sif.

Your dad forbids your mum from using his walk-in wardrobe, but as a compromise, she can have the shed. Your dad sniffs Pritt sticks behind the bike shed and sells tabs to teenagers for Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Your dad thinks nothing of joining groups of strangers that he's never met at the tables in bars and restaurants Your dad got his ribs removed so he could do body shots off himself Jelly shots

Your dad gets handfuls of tissue and runs them under the tap and then throws them at his bathroom ceiling Your dad's background on his iPhone is him flexing in the mirror. Your dad put a lump of coal in a snowball and put your next door neighbour's window out. Your dad photoshops himself in the background of nightclub pictures and posts them on Facebook. Your dad slides down the stairs on his bum when he's done as ready. Your dad has a henna tattoo of Jaden Smith on his wrist

that he kisses for good luck. Your dad put a lump of coal in a dog shit and put any of his teeth out. Your dad buys fish and chips for the newspaper. When you were a kid, your dad made you leave Santa a glass of brandy, a gram of coke, a pack of condoms and a massive Qdakumba for Rudolph. Your dad spent a week in hospital because he sat down in his boxers too quickly and one of his balls popped in his arms.

Your dad texts the music channel to see how compatible he is with your mum. 67%. Right, we are on tour in Europe. with your mom 67% is the answer right we are on tour in Europe please come and laugh as

we're in Cluj Transylvania tonight this podcast won't be able to tomorrow should we just put it on now should we put it up

straight away nah let's do it Friday let's get the morning traffic but just thanks Cluj we've never been here before and you've sold out

which blows our fucking mind so thank you very very much we sold out a big room too yeah 250 250 sluts that blows my mind we'll go somewhere

I haven't heard of yeah I remember when we first went to Libyana which when you look at the word Libyana it's L-G-L-L-L-G-G-G and it's like

what the fuck is that shit and then you go there thinking I can't even begin to pronounce the name of this place and then you sell out yeah tomorrow

4th of November we are in Bratislava. Tomorrow, 4th of November, we are in Bratislava, Slovakia. 5th of November, one of our favourite gigs always on tour at Vienna, Austria. I'm assuming

that will be very close to sold out if not sold out already so I would get on that quickly. 6th of November, I get another, in fact, looking at this list,

they're all favourites now. Tallinn, Estonia. Oh, no, 6th of November, get another in fact looking at this list they're all favourites now Tallinn, Estonia 6th of November Prague, Czech Republic 7th of November Tallinn, Estonia 8th of November Tartu, Estonia which we've not been to before

and we get to hang out with Louis Zezarin Louis Zezarin yeah he's got a good crew good people in Paulius in Lithuania yeah so yeah

it's going to be fun it's been a joy so far thank you to everyone that's come out thank you for listening to the podcast we're averaging about 800 a fucking episode

which blows our mind because it's let's put it it's fucking stupid you guys are dumb for listening to this you fucking idiot yeah maybe they stopped

after the stoned one yeah oh no I reckon that was a good one yeah I thought so too but Natalie was just like don't get too stoned this time I was like I thought it was dynamite

I love that story where I got bullied to death Bullied to death Yeah bullied to death If you enjoyed the Stone Podcast Let us know Because we will Whatever parts of the podcast

You enjoy The ones we'll do more So just let us know Your favourites on Twitter and Facebook Share it Spread it Come see us on tour

Plug other stuff Yeah cool Yeah keep reposting this podcast Because that's how it gets out there That's how it gets people Rate us on iTunes So we can get rid of that Fucking pism

who gave us one star three stars someone give us one star but if people give us a bunch of fives we'll end up back on the leaderboards again and then we'll get

more traffic alright just do it come on I'll suck your dick for some stars man I'll suck your dick for some stars I've got these

cheeseburgers