Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.11 The Sloss Express

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

***CORRECT VERSION*** Arriving in Prague from Vienna after an evening smoking a home grown strand of weed named after Cream, The Sloss Express, created and brought to us by all round good eggs Moka and Ray. Grab a sugar butty and enjoy your Monday morning! 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Oh, in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Alright, we're recorded. We are now? Yeah. Good afternoon, Cream. Good morning. We're in Prague. We are in Prague. You teleported here.

You got on the train, closed your eyes, and then opened your eyes, and what, five hours later, in Prague? Mm-hmm. How was teleportation? You disapparated? It was good. It was fucking... Kind of jealousy I don't understand

why you never as jealous as you are as me because I got to watch you that's all I've done for five hours are you telling me I don't dribble when I sleep

yeah that ain't dribble that ain't dribble I got lots of sleep in my eyes oh yeah I'm sure you do yep it's cum it's the joke

it's cum it comes from my face yeah they got it that's the joke. It's cum. It comes from my face. Yeah, they got it. That's the joke. They all got it. You never know. Some people, that wouldn't be the first thing that crossed their mind when someone fell asleep. He must be spitting on him.

I must have a dry mouth. Yeah, but if you spit on me, that's also still cum that's going to end up on my face. Yeah, yours. I never understand why you can't sleep on public transport. I can but I kind of like the time off I just

time off like you know when you're in public transport and you're just like in a seat and you're moving forward and you're like there's no obligation

to do anything and I like to be awake for it I like to read my book and listen to music nah for me that's like a really podcast

that's what that's what I think muggles do it's not in muggle corner but definitely it's muggle school oh but like you've got I think muggles do It's not in Muggle Corner But definitely It's Muggle School Oh but like You've got to enjoy the journey

Why? It's not the thing Like I don't I don't enjoy the trips To the airport I don't enjoy I don't enjoy I don't enjoy any

In between of what If I'm at home And I'm going somewhere The fun bit Is not getting there The only exception I can think of Was as in the camper van

On the way down Glastonbury. And that's mainly because Ricketts was in the fucking thing. He's a funny cunt. And you were high. And I was fucking big time. I wasn't driving, just so everyone knows. The journey thing, like, I'm not enjoying the journey.

I'm not enjoying the physical fucking act of moving. But I was gutted when the journey ended because I had to put my book down and I was up to a good bit. I just like being just disconnected from the grid and just given a bit of time. down and I was up to a good bit. I just like being just disconnected from the grid and just given a bit of time. I think I also just, I can't, I think I've tried my body to fall asleep on anything because like a lot of my early career

was going down to London for like day trips so I'd have to get to the airport like 6am because I've got to be down in London for a night. Oh yeah because you were so young you wouldn't have drove if you had suicide miles. No, no. That's all the suicide miles where you like finish work and then you've got like a three hour drive to Nottingham for five

unpaid minutes and then you've got to drive back for your morning shift. Yeah, I'm so used to like all of my early mornings and stuff like being woken up and then being on public transport that I think I've trained my body that I swear to God you could give me three cups of coffee 16 hours sleep

like two lines of coke and if I put me in an airplane and sleep, I'm of coffee, 16 hours sleep, like two lines of Coke. And if I put me in an airplane sleep, I'm falling asleep. It's like straight away. You're like one of them tiny tears dolls, you know, that you lie back and the eyes shut. Remember them? Remember tiny tears? No. Like, I mean, I'm a bold person to have one.

But like, when my sister was in bed, I would go and get it. You know, I'd have a little play with it, give it some milk. Because you tip the bottle and the milk disappears out of the bottle. Oh, maybe I do remember those. Yeah. And you tip it back and it's eyes close. It fucking wets itself. It was one of them that wet itself.

The tiny tails. Didn't the tiny tails want to cry? It must have done. Otherwise it wouldn't have been called tiny tails. That'd be weird. It might have been tiny tails. Maybe it was a... I used to pretend to beat my sister's dolls up in front of her. I feel really bad about that. Why didn't you just beat up the dolls? Why did I used to pretend to beat my sister's dolls up in front of her so I feel really bad

about that because like why don't you just beat up the dolls why did you have to pretend to beat them up I mean I did beat them up or do you think

I was just like a wrestler just stomping on the ground not willing to commit to the bit fully yeah oh yeah I used to get my sister on the walls of Jericho

as well I feel kind of bad about that now I'm old oh just chinned that teddy then she got spina bifida used to stand the walls of Jericho as well. I feel kind of bad about that now. Aye. Just chinned that teddy. She's got spina bifida.

Sorry, Joseph, you're listening. I used to wrestle my brothers when they were fucking small, but they loved that. I was just like, because I was into wrestling and then just chokeslamming a three-year-old onto a bed. You can say that's violence. If they're laughing all the way through, I couldn't give a shit.

Maybe he's had a nice time. Maybe I'm wrong and I had a nice time, but maybe you're wrong and your brother didn't have a nice time. Imagine the same boat, right? Someone three or four times your size just bust into this room and started throwing you around. Would you have a good time? On a bed? Yeah. Would it be great? If he's just flipping you around

and giving you a swing? I would love nothing more. Imagine being on a bouncy castle right and a fucking giant turns up just picks you up over his head and just throws you into the wall no fool will you're never gonna be damaged yeah but keeping you keeping you safe for a while like throwing you up in the air and then catching you just before you hit the grass yeah because you know the safety with it right that giant walks into this room right he's four times the size of me he starts picking me up throwing around i know if he drops me someone twice the size is coming in to kick the shit out of him as well you can remember when that would happen when there'd be like a group of you and someone's

getting picked up and swung and you'd all be there going me next me next if someone come in right now and started throwing you around even though i feel like i don't want that to happen to this if i saw you getting thrown around you get jealous there would be a bit of this guy i hope he picks me up roedd yn cael ei ddynnu o gwmpas. Ydych chi'n gael hwyl? Byddai'n rhaid i'r bwyd o'i ddynnu. Gobeithio y byddai'n fy nghymryd. Ydych chi'n dda, gweithiwr? Gweithiwr? Gweithiwr? Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch.

Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch.

Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. Gwylwch. airplane where you grab an arm and a leg and you get like a centrifuge going but that one starts hurting your arm and leg after a little while we used to with uh josie my sister used to love the i remember the game because i remember like my mom saying all the time was the go away come back

so she sometimes she'd be in a pram where she was facing you and literally just uh push her away be like go away and then come back and if you're in public we used to make josie scream with laughter and in hindsight i've got no idea how she didn't get abandonment issues every time we're in public we're just pushing her away she laughed harder when she was being pushed away than when she was being brought back i take that for a story finally i'm rid of them i'm rid of them oh they're back yeah they're gone again. What, is this emotional rollercoaster? So we were in Vienna last night, and we got delivered some of the Sloss Express, which is... Oh, yeah, hold on. So first of all, I think their names are Maka and Ray.

I do not want to get them wrong. Maka is this lovely Egyptian guy, and Ray is an Austrian guy. And they've been coming to our shows in Vienna for the past three years, and they were been coming to our shows in Vienna for the past three years and they were the ones we mentioned on a previous podcast that they grow their own weed and they like

splice it together and make their own hybrid versions and they came up with one called Sloss Express which they specifically grew to smoke while watching my stand up and listen to this podcast and stuff so they bring the weed every year. We smoked some of it last night. And

holy fuck, I am good weed. Yeah. It's such a laughy weed. Because I remember last time when we'd done the Vienna gig and we were so giggly on the way back. Like, you would be tackling me into a bush and fucking... We were just in hysterics the whole night. And then it wasn't until I was in hysterics again

after that weed that I realised that it was the weed last time that had us in that state. And I was like, this weed is the truth. It's the fucking best. I was like, we've got to work out a way to get this mass-produced and brought back to the UK because we could be fucking rich. I think it was laced with coke. I've never felt more happy and awake while on weed. I was giggling.

One of the things that we were literally screaming with laughter walking down the street was the idea of, do you reckon Professor McGonagall has ever walked, like ever walked into Dumbledore's office and it's just Dumbledore with his face down in the pensive with his wand up his ass. In the pensive, having a memory wank. Having a memory wank of the day that he hired Professor McGonagall.

He's got his robes open. He's just milking himself with his robes open, wand up his ass, head in the pence of the room. Back when she walked in and had a job interview. Fuck, what? Because you sit there and you go, yeah, Dumbledore had all those Like really important memories From Baltimore and stuff

But God he must have pulled out Some shit once Yeah He must have some really Are you telling me In that entire fucking camp Out of memories

Like There's none of the times That he was having Oh no wait Dumbledore was gay It wouldn't have been McGonagall It might have been like Lupin or something Was he gay?

Yeah I just felt like he was asexual Nice gay Like David Attenborough Is David Atten Was he gay? Yeah I just felt like he was asexual Nice gay Like David Attenborough Is David Attenborough not gay? Like I just don't Like if you look it up You'll probably find out

He's got a wife and kids And stuff like that But he just oozes asexual He's just not a He's not a sexual presence at all No You don't think he had any persuasion Dumbledore

He's Attenborough I feel like Dumbledore's Like Attenborough Nah Rowling confirmed That Dumbledore's a buffdy Is it? Aye There we are Where's your robes? Why didn't you put in Attenborough I feel like Dumbledore is like Attenborough no Rowling confirmed that Dumbledore's a buffy is it aye there we are

where's Robes why didn't you put in why didn't you put in a comment I don't know a comment in a book in a book of comments

that you wrote when's your next comment coming out JK yeah he was he was gay so I wondered who would he fancy then he was fond of Snape

despite Snape being a little bit of a bad egg. Well, you've not even finished the last book yet. Yeah, yeah, no spoilers. So, previously on Muggins and Creams Banta from last night, I remember telling you, I started talking to you, I was like, you know the cereal?

Can you remember this? Oh, yeah. You know when you get the cereal, when you've got your Rice Krispies, and you pick up the box in the morning, you realise there's not quite enough for a bowl in the box. It's quite light, but you go to pour it anyway. So you pour yourself half a bowl

and as the half a bowl's reaching full, the powder comes out of the bottom of the packet in the cereal box and it just leaves a powder on the top of your Krispies. How has Peter Cain ever noticed that? It does seem like one of the... I mean... It's a fair point. Yeah, I don't want to make many comments about Peter Cain.

I'm very aware that he's very popular and very famous. He just notices stuff, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. You noticed garlic and bread? Aye. What am I that? Garlic, bread. Bread goes with everything.

Yeah, what are you talking about? You can make bread and butter pudding. You can make dessert with it or raisins. Yeah. Like, garlic bread is the least adventurous thing they've ever done with bread. You can do all kinds. Why? You can put sugar, buddy.

Oh, this is, again, this is one of the differences between the working... Sugar and bread. Nah. It does. It's not a dessert. You sound like Peter Kay. This is the difference. This is the difference.

No, this is the difference between is the difference no this is the difference between the working class and the middle class again that you I still to this day don't believe this was a dessert in your time well not a dessert

just a snack oh it's you know what you want to get out and play alright Lee's at the door you're like

I want to come out and play but I'm going to be starving ice cream van doesn't come for fucking two hours I've got a quid right so you go

that's my dessert you go to the kitchen you put some butter on your bread yeah margarine and then you get the sugar bowl and you pour it all over the butter under the butter and then you get the slice of bread and you tip it back into the sugar bowl to get the excess off and then you're going out with rouge going out with laying on your bike you've got a sugar putty in your hand bob's your uncle is that not the like the world until the ice cream van comes get a screw ball there's a bubble gum at the bottom that's gonna last you three hours is that not the like Tied you over Until the ice cream van comes Get a screw ball There's a bubble gum at the bottom And that's gonna last you

Three hours Is that not like The worst texture In the world though That's like crunchy And soft and chewy It's not like chewing sand It's got like a sandy crunch to it

But You know it is You're fucking What like nine years old You've got a fucking Sugar sandwich I mean Sweets

Homemade sweets Marmite and peanut butter That was the That was the way forward And now To everyone at home Who's going Gross gross gross gross gross

I fully I agree with you I agree with you It does sound gross Until I was forced To try it And it's like Because the

Marmite Is like better And because the peanut butter Is kind of like Savoury and stuff It's savoury and It's delicious I think I've tried it before

But I was unenamoured Marmite Marmite i can take it or leave it no no no no you can't oh i can't i'm in the middle ground no i'm banging the middle of marmite like no i mean if it's in front of us i'll eat it i'll knock out and buy it in the shop no that's not possible it's a fucking fallacy absolute fallacy it's just all right no marmite's all right no mermaids are right no slander no it's blasphemy you're a victim of corporate marketing no you're gonna get sued you're a victim

no you're fucking under the spell mate we've got you you're gonna get square eyes watching too much TV no these are the laws mate you either love it or hate it

no no I'm ambivalent no choose your allegiance no no I'm not having it wait what do you want from us I want you to love it or hate it

I'll eat it now but I'm not gonna fucking I'm not no but will you love eating it or will you us? I want you to love it or hate it. I'll eat it now, but I'm not going to fucking... No, but will you love eating it or will you hate eating it? Will I love eating it? Or will you hate eating it? You know, this will tie us over

until I get a sugar bowl. But I don't know how peanut butter and jelly... I don't know why they call it jelly. That might be why. Peanut butter and jam is one of the fucking most tasty snacks in the entire world. And it 100% because

I didn't realise that that's what they meant when they said peanut butter and jelly so I was like why the fuck do I put jelly on my peanut butter sandwich you said the man who puts fucking sugar

on his sandwich I couldn't afford jelly we always had jelly in the cupboard but I would eat it like a block like a chocolate bar but you know the jelly

the packets that you would like oh you wouldn't even make it I wouldn't even make it Just going out Rouge is at the door Leaves at the door Just going out

Rouge two seconds I need a snack Going out the cupboard Getting out the jelly block Going out the Rouge on my bike Jelly block on my hand Bob's your uncle You just eat ingredients

You don't eat food Is this why you love The beef tartare in Poland You just Oh you fucking go mad For ingredients You do I see actually,

sometimes just like, I just get some lemons and just fucking grate it in my mouth. Get a spoonful of peanut butter. Machine. I used to work there.

No, no, sometimes people don't know this, but whenever Kai is on stage in order to, because he lip syncs

all of his comedy, I put peanut butter on the roof of his mouth before he goes on stage. It makes it look like he's doing a stand-up the whole way through. I've always fantasised over, just as you're calling your own name to go on stage, welcome to the stage, Daniel Sloss. And just as you say your name, throw a cup of water onto your crotch, right? And then punch in the dick so that you have to walk out on stage holding your cock and you've got a big water patch so it just looks like you've pissed yourself

but the reason you won't do it is because you know what'll happen the next day i'll do it again no you know the rules when it comes to pranking me but we'll just one up every time i just one up you no but you won't know you always eventually bail on i don't know when there was a kid there who i knocked when i was a kid wait what does that does not mean kiss her better fight so i had a fight with this lad that was my agent he was like i'm gonna get such and such on here i got tracker on here so i get someone to beat me up and i'm like i would beat me up i'll beat you up again like it's just gonna go in full circle if you get me beat up by that guy i'll beat you up again and then he's gonna Get you

And then I'll just do it So if you just wanna Leave it at this You're probably Gotta save yourself I'll beat you up once And we'll call it quits Which doesn't seem

Very fair Well I'll give you A dinner money I'm sick of eating All these sugar sandwiches Like a fucking Homeless person

So me and Kai Don't play pranks On each other Mainly because I'll let Well I don't I don't even have to told this story in the podcast. Is this the Fringe 2012 story?

It is that story. So do you want to tell the story of it, and then I'll tell it from my perspective, and then you can also tell it from your perspective. I've just done a really good frape on you, and everyone knows what frape means, don't they? Yeah, it's when you post something, someone someone leaves their Facebook open and then you leave a thing and normally the unfunny and the unintelligent and the muggers will be like

oh I'm gay or like oh I love cheese and I don't I don't know why they call it freep because I think it's accepted

that it's called freep but that means Facebook rape that's not cool I've never had a sit down shower I guess someone changed my Facebook status

it does seem yeah it's a bit too I know we live in a fucking sensitive generation but ever since I was raped I'm like I think we're trivialising that bit too much

I'm not sure about that one I've never had a baby I couldn't love because someone changed my Facebook status I got cold I'm just highlighting the problem

I'm highlighting the problem this is where it is this is where they're going by calling it frape so should we come up with a new thing for frape I've been

what's it rearranging your status frape sinking nah that's why are you so obsessed with lip syncing right now I could see

a little buzzword sorry so I set up this status at the end of the fringe festival where I Why are you so obsessed with lip syncing right now? I can see you. Take a little buzz with. Sorry. So I set up this status at the end of the Fringe Festival where I was just like, I don't know what's wrong with me. This is on my Facebook. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's been a really good run,

but it's left me emotionally drained. I just feel really weeping and I can't stop crying. I must just be exhausted. Yeah. It's definitely really lame. Just make you look like a proper pussy. Really like a fucking pussy when it comes to the festival. And people were commenting and were genuinely concerned.

And I will give it to you, it was a very, very good fripsync. But when it became too far was when my mother phoned me and she was concerned. And the second you upset my mum, I'll kill everyone you fucking love. I mean, it must have been nice for you to find out how many people cared about you I was also upset to find out how many people think I'm a

fucking pussy you did get a few phone calls and texts like you ok hun which is embarrassing it's embarrassing to say are you ok a text of someone from a really that was the muggle corner it was an absolute muggle so I muggled you basically is what I did text of someone from a really like, that was the muggle corner a couple of weeks ago.

So I muggled you, basically is what I did. You muggled me, you made me be a muggle, you forced me into muggledom and so my form of revenge was two months later, I was dating a girl. That was the same fringe? No, it wasn't during the fringe, it was after. So it was a couple of weeks after. Oh yeah, because I met her at the fringe.

So I was dating this girl who worked in a bar and then you also liked one of the bar staff that she worked with. So we agreed to go on a double date to that bar with the two girls. So we're drinking there at the bar that they work. And then basically, Kai goes to the toilet at one point and I say to the girl he's with,

I'm like, look, I do not know your intentions for the evening with Kai. I don't want to assume anything. But all I'm saying is, if you could do me a massive favor, explain the backstory. I was like, can you, I'm going to be going back to my place with Nicole. She's still over tonight. Can you come back as well with Kai?

Make him think he's going to have sex and then just fuck off. And she was like oh god yeah that sounds amazing so the whole plan set up and then the only bit of guilt I felt properly

it's ridiculous how much he committed to that role as well we'll get to that in a second but the movie felt really shit do you remember

the guy in there who clearly fancied both the girls and was taking out of me was being like yeah because he worked there and stuff so he worked with them

and the girls were two cuties as well yeah and they were lovely But the guy was clearly like jealous And was just being an absolute dick to me Like he was trying to alpha you Yeah he was trying to alpha me And I was largely staying out of it

Yeah And I don't rise to that sort of thing So I'm just sitting there Because that makes him look more pathetic than me If I join in I'll look pathetic So I'm like yeah yeah Go make your fucking snide little comments But eventually after like an hour

It's really fucking niggling at me And you're like join me to sort it out And I'm like nah nah nah I'll do it I'll do it just leave it and then

about half an hour later I'm like yeah go and do something now obviously wasn't expecting you to kick the shit out of him which you didn't but Kai

basically leaned over the counter grabbed his bag took his bag threw it outside and the guy was like oh what a petulant childish thing to do went outside

and got his bag and you just stood at the door and went if you cross this line you just stood at the door and went, if you cross this line, you're getting knocked the fuck out. Threw him out of the bar, he worked out. He was like,

my shift's not done. He's like, come back in, it's going to be done in three seconds. So the guy had to go home. So we're all laughing because he's been, he tried to alpha

and then he got completely and utterly out alpha'd. So I felt guilty a little bit because he'd stood up for me, defended my honour and then we get back, have a couple of drinks. I go to bed with my ex.

And then... So what happened to me? I was left in the living room and we started kissing and stuff. But then she asked if I'd call her a taxi because she had university in the morning or some shit. So I just called a cab. And then in the meantime, while waiting for the cab, she ended up progressing it until she was just in a thong. So she's just in a thong, straddled over, kissing us. And then ring, ring, the fucking taxi rings.

And she just whipped all of her clothes back on. And you were in your underwear at this point. I was in my underwear. Yeah. To be honest, I'd completely forget. And I'd call the taxi. It was in the heat of the moment. I'm in bed with a girl.

We're just sitting there watching Netflix or something. And all I could hear is the phone ringing, which is the which is the sound of the taxi because it rings twice when it's a taxi it doesn't ring out it's like and then just hearing you'd be like no no don't worry about it no it's absolutely fine no no don't worry about it and you walk her upstairs and you're very polite and you kiss her goodbye and then i could just see you upstairs with the door shuts going like the fuck did i do wrong and i didn't tell you immediately because I was like so the next morning I'm like how did it go last night

and you're like well like she caught me doing my underwear right and then and then she just fucked up

and I'm like oh that's unusual that what did you do wrong how peculiar and then like three months later I finally brought it up

I've never seen you so angry. It's the worst situation as well because when you're at that point, it takes you everything to not go, oh, but please stay. Just drop the amazing thing. Like, is there... All right, bye. Cool. No, just call you.

You've got university tomorrow. I'm going to sleep. I'm not entitled to anything. It's your part. It's your decision. Yeah, I was going to get up and go to the gym at 9 anyway just throw weights around just fucking put a 30 kilo dumbbell

through the mirror alright we'll go into our first game now normally it's Muggle Corner don't worry that is coming up but a while ago we did Origins a while ago we did doins. Oh, phew! A while ago we did do Origins,

because somebody on Twitter asked us for our friendship origin story, and we came up with funny origins for each other, but then we never actually got to the origins of our friendship. So we'll decide to do it again, and this time we will, after this game, go into how we met and fell in love. Shall I go first, or you go first? Yeah, you go. What were you miming at me I was saying

but like I was trying to say but don't tell the origin story oh well no because it would have been quite funny to just make it an ongoing thing make allude to it

ongoing but then like that thing that you just done there I do to Natalie all the time when I'm saying something I shouldn't be saying she'll nip me under the table yeah

and you'll be like why nip me and I'll be like what the fuck are you nipping this for she's nipped this because she doesn't want us to see this. It just makes it worse. Okay. Had you been standing in Blythe on the 5th of July, 1983,

and looked up at the stars, you would have been called a poof by the locals. This homophobic distraction might have been enough to make you miss a comet-like object hurtling towards Blythe. It landed in the town centre destroying half the square and killing nine people. Nobody noticed. Walking home from

a Sunderland game off their tits off their tits on MCAT where Kevin Linda Humphries That was Newcastle playing away. No, it was Sunderland at home.

They've got a high-rise flat so they can see the games, even the ones they don't go to locally. They stumbled across the crater, looked inside, and saw an alien child. It was clearly an alien, as it did not, and to this day does not, have earlobes. I don't have earlobes. No, you don't.

There's a podcast, they don't know that. What if Guy doesn't have earlobes? Look at pictures of Guy, no earlobes. Look at pictures of a guy. No earlobes. I thought earlobes were the actual ears. No, they're the best thing you're meant to pierce. You couldn't get your ears pierced because you don't have... I mean, there's still skin there. Nah, it goes straight into your face, you fucking fish.

I don't give a face pierce. Nah. Legend. After years of trying for children and only managing to create Gavin Humphreys, Kevin and Linda knew this might be their only chance for a child, so they took the child before the locals turned it into shoes. They decided to name the alien Kai as it was written on his spacecraft.

Little did they know that this meant nonce on his home planet where he was evicted for being the universe's younger ever paedophile. Kev was expecting a Clark Kent-like child with super strength and laser eyes but instead he ended up with a ginger one with wonky eyes Kai was unskoldable as he had no earlobes to pull at whenever he was being naughty

this immunity to scolding and proficiency for getting his head bashed in for being such a weird looking kiddie fiddling kid and his unique albeit wonky look at the world allowed him to climb in the comedy ladder enough to one day be internationally recognised as the guy who opens for Daniel Sloss. Oh, fuck's sake.

Daniel Sloss is the result of an orgy. Daniel's mum was the only white person at the orgy, so it has since been deduced that he must be albino. In Daniel's lifetime, he has been through a conveyor belt of dads, but has since decided that he's not gay and started feeling guilty from all of the homewrecking. In his younger years, he would torture animals for fun. He killed a rabbit using a bin bag in one of his mother's high heels. He killed his family dog with a lawnmower, he even bought her a badge after death with a microphone.

His mum found out about him torturing animals but just put it down to boys being boys thus failing to stunt the growth of the psychopath that was growing inside of her brat. Before long, killing animals wasn't enough. Just to feel something he would kill larger beasts with smaller weapons. He once took down a cow

with a magnifying glass on a sunny day. It took hours. He needed took down a cow with a magnifying glass on a sunny day. It took hours. He needed to get a kick from somewhere, so he moved on to torturing the closest ally of animals, the vegans. He tortured them in a way that physical punishment would not suffice. He would preach from

stage to a captive audience, or a battery audience, as he prefers to call them, about his hatred for veganism. His stance is completely unjustified, and he admits to call them, about his hatred for veganism. His stance is completely unjustified, and he admits it's wrong, but making good people feel helpless and belittled is what fills the empty void of oblivion that lurks within Daniel's chest, threatening to absorb his

entire existence if it isn't quenched by the suffering of others. Despite this right-wing view towards veganism, he is surprisingly left-wing about feminism. It is almost as if that's what gets him laid these days it's about the end you are a tinder feminist though

nah you call people facebook vegans you are a tinder feminist nah because I will agree in the sense you know if like being macho got you laid you'd be macho like you are definitely just evolutionary in that respect.

Nah, I just... Look, I'll agree that... Nah, I won't actually. Like, being intelligent and being a feminist gets you laid, so you read books and are kind to women. But I reckon if being, like, thuggish and bossy and going to the gym was more that you were inclined to, you'd spend more time in the gym than in the library.

Not that you go to a library. Not that you go to a library, I was just being poetic no I would disagree, I'll agree in the sense that I can understand where you're coming from because I do there's a lot of time in conversations where I'll just do, I'll say sexy things and I also do like sex and I sleep around and that's who I am and stuff but

I wouldn't, like I genuinely agree with a lot of not all of them obviously, they're the fucking far far left who I obviously hate feminists but no I do agree with most of the things but I agree with your point because it was a while ago that I went full on feminist to the point where you made the valid point of like you're a man

your position should be just get out of the fucking way. Yeah stay out of the way. One thing that made me bring up that you were a tender feminist is that you saying the petition to get my laughs off the TV oh which I fully

disagree with yeah no I regret that yeah because you had like two years before that done a fucking TED talk an actual TED talk on the freedom of speech

fully hypocritical I was just like he's saying that petition to look like to publicly pat himself on the back and look great. Absolutely. That's where my bit this year about hating the far left comes from. Most of my stuff comes from self-loathing.

It's stuff that I used to do that fucks me off. So whenever I do the stuff about like, anytime I complain about sexism, it's all the stuff that I used to think when I was younger that fucks me off. I was a fucking horrible teenager. And this is exactly that. When I went full far left and started being this annoying, like, fucking self-congratulate back to... It's... All my material is about a guy I hated two years ago, and that person was me.

The worst thing about that is, yeah, the person has got stuff recorded and immortalised on YouTube and on TV. the person has got stuff recorded and immortalized on youtube yeah i've got a youtube clip from 2010 when i've done the comedy store tv show where i'm like all women are idiots i see it with a smile i don't mean it yeah i'm like i've got proof i live with one and i tell like a dumb thing that you did that's so so like silly and wacky and like kind of whimsical that it devalues any essence of an opinion that was in the words but I still said the words all women are idiots on TV and I'm like what am I doing

and it's more like that's the thing that really traumatised me because I've got that joke on Russell Howard's Good News Week from when I was 21 which is like just being a cunt about fat people now I will stand by that the material was like as a joke is funny but like at that time because that was a set where i did like a lot of

like pro-gay stuff and pro-feminism stuff a lot everyone took that all seriously which is good but in hindsight i'm like oh if they took that seriously it's like if all the gay kids took that seriously and like enjoyed it there's a possibility that there were some like kids struggling with weight issues who saw that and then just were made to feel worse about someone that they really liked and looked up to and that's still there and i still get called on it nowadays on like twitter and stuff whenever it's replayed on fucking comedy central people i can't believe you said that and i'm like me too but like i was 21 it was five fucking years ago i changed my you know me i changed my opinions all the fucking time which i would argue is the sign of a good person is yeah you've got to be

malleable you don't want to be setting your ways otherwise you get left behind no like it's that thing of like i went as i agree like i will still say i'm a feminist uh but the times you called me and it was was when i was just being a fucking i wasn't doing it for the right reasons, I was doing it to feel fucking smug but then I stopped and I changed my ways and I... You've always got to grow cream. You've always got to grow, yeah I agree with you Muggins, I agree with you Muggins, you've always got my back and it's, we'll

stay on this difficult topic for a little while about the whole body shaming thing right I was getting a little bit annoyed when it was like, it was almost like there was shame on the other side of, like people that had, I'm not going to say good bodies because that's the wrong diction, but people that were what society depicts to be in shape were getting like villainised.

So like there would be, are you beach body ready? And there'd be like an attractive girl and that was really slim, that had worked out. And people were like, oh, get that down, it's unrealistic goals. But that girl that was on that poster must have felt terrible because she's worked so fucking hard. You don't get in that shape by just getting out of bed having your breakfast going to work do you have to put in extra miles you have to go to the gym you have to monitor your diet it's it's quite a struggle to be in good shape and that person went through

that struggle to be in good shape was really proud of the shape she was in got in the photo shoot got the modeling contract she's like she's actually getting somewhere from all the hard work she's put in she's up on the poster on the tube and every fucker hates her and everyone's like pointing their finger at her and I'm just like

ah and when people call steroid heads like meat cake like beef cakes steroid heads at the gym they get oh I bet he's got a tiny dick

he's on steroids you don't jab steroids in the arm and become a fucking big dude it's not miracle juice that's a lot of hard work and you're devaluing the hard work that's gone into him

getting the body he wants. I'll agree with you to a sense. I feel like, I agree with like, I never take the piss out of people that go to the gym no matter how fucking big they are because I'm aware

of how much work goes into it. But I do, I don't think the rage from that are you beach body ready was directed at her. I don't think it was like, I don't think they were

trying to shame her. I think that campaign against that was like who is this company to define? Yeah but she ended up being the poster girl of the campaign rather than the... But did she though? And who doesn't want to fuck... People actually do want to

go to the gym and get in good shape for the holidays because you want to have confidence. I don't think that campaign was like shaming because I do agree with you that there is that side where they do shame people who are in good shape. But I think that point there was like, that statement is to say that if you're not in that shape, you don't belong on a beach.

That, I think, is more what, and I fully agree that there probably were people who, as with both sides, when people go too far right wing or too far left wing, there would have been the too far left who did take out on this girl and be like, god it's disgusting like people when guys say oh fucking women with six packs are disgusting oh fuck off cunt like you don't it it does go both ways but i think a lot of that campaign was it was more about the attitude of what like oh so if you're

a bit overweight and you don't have a six pack you're not allowed on a beach that's yeah that was the cunny thing that i'm even starting to feel the nasty taste in my mouth when i use words like overweight because i'm like what is the there's no specified weight so i do get it that like everyone should be made to feel comfortable the way they are but i think if somebody you shouldn't change what people have done is change the laser from being pointed point to people who are as they say overweight and pointing the laser at people that are actually in fucking what they say is great shape and i'm like don't pick on those guys that have made a lot of effort it takes no effort to be out of shape or overweight it takes zero effort but then people have put a lot of graft in and i started feeling um like they were being shamed for something that took a lot of

hard work i think in a sense you can say it doesn't take any effort to be overweight, only in the sense that it does take it. But we see that from two people who've always been skinny. I get a fat belly after the fringe. We don't know. Sophie Hagen made a very valid point, which was interesting. When she was going on, she hates when people come up to her. And I've been guilty of it as well.

She goes, have you lost weight? She's like, no, I'm not. You can call me fat. People are scared of using the word fat because there's such a negative connotation. She said, I don't want to paraphrase her too much, and I might be butchering it, but she was saying, I don't mind she said like I don't want to paraphrase her too much and I might be butchering it but she was saying I don't mind being called fat because I am fat what I hate is the stigma with that word that people think that I've got goals that are outside of where I am with people when people are being nice when people be nice to her they won't use the word fat which

is worse because that means you're scared of the word so you not being willing to call her fat is worse because you're as bad as the people who are fat shaming because you're shaming the word fat i think so if you're listening and i've butchered this please do correct me correctly um yeah i do have body goals and stuff though like say if i'm going to go to australia in january i'm looking in the mirror now and i'm like oh i wouldn't mind getting rid of this little little bit of tour gut that i've got and I want to have bigger arms and I don't think it's I don't think it should be I don't know what I'm saying no it's also such a dangerous topic that you don't want to say the wrong things even because it's in the right place yeah and also because it's it's it's it's that thing that white men constantly do is is getting involved in an issue that doesn't affect us so

we don't know both sides we've only only got our perspective, which is naive, which is the problem when I was getting involved in all the feminist stuff, which is I'm trying to be involved and everyone's like, oh, your heart's in the right place, but don't pretend for a second you know what we're going through. Ah, yeah, stay out of the way, again. So as far as it comes to anything like that, stay out of the way. Stay out of the way.

Listen, get your opinions, but don't lead the fucking charge, which is the mistake I've continuously made over the years and probably will continue to do so because I'm a fucking liberal, self-righteous twat. You lead the charge. You haven't thought through fully because you've got a mic in your hand and an audience, a battery audience.

Should we do Muggle Corner? Ah, shit, yeah, time's ticking. Okay. Muggle Corner. Muggles put happy birthday signs on roundabouts. Yeah, on the exit on roundabouts. Yeah, on the exit of the estate.

Oh, God, yeah. For the drive to work. Oh, happy birthday Barry,

happy 40th. And then there's like an embarrassing photo of him. It's like, Jesus Christ. Barry's in his commuter to his

day shift and he sees the bedsheet with fucking Crayola Pendant on it. Oh, it makes his day. Whenever I've

seen that, I'm like, does anyone enjoy, like like whose idea is that like an like do you really think John's there being like oh I can't believe

I've got to go to work on my birthday oh cool my wife took my bed sheets off my bed and fucking vandalised them I'll probably have to buy one on the way home

now that'll be fucking crap do you think that makes you happy do you think nah I feel like that's something your mum would do for you. No, absolutely. Is put a happy birthday Daniel thing coming out of your... No, my mum does embarrass...

Don't get me wrong. My mum loves to embarrass me, and she's done it in much clever ways. Like on this... In fact, not even her. Putting the eyelashes on the yellow Ford car. Yeah, so I had to borrow my mum's car to go up to Rocknest like three years ago,

and it's a bright yellow Ford car, and the air conditioning in the car was broken. It was a sunny day, so the heater's just on full, so I have to drive in a fucking vest in a bright yellow car, and she knows I'm borrowing it for the weekend, so she's put the fucking little eyelashes in the front of the fucking thing, which is a muggly thing to do, but the reason she's doing it is to make me look like a fucking muggle.

The other one my uncle got, a good one, was, you know those plaques that they get like oh you know uh fucking um adam smith lived in this street in 1837 to whatever on the side of my my mom's house is daniel sloss comedian lived lived here from do you think my mom did that oh yeah no i thought she was just loving you too much no it? oh yeah no I thought she was just loving you too much no it's my fucking aunt I thought she was like

genuinely bragging to people that come to the house that the Daniel Sloss used to live here no no that's my aunt that's my aunt and uncle

taking the piss out of how much my mum loves me by buying her that site and forcing her to put it on the side of the fucking I feel so bad on your mum that I thought

that she just did that. You just thought that's how muggly my mum was? Yeah, that she just got there when you moved out. She commemorated it. Do you agree? Happy birthday signs on roundabouts. Yeah. If you've ever done that, or even...

And I know it's not your fault, but if you've ever had one for you, you've got muggle friends that makes you culpable for this, so you are also in the corner for 30 seconds. You know what's pretty cool on birthdays when old embarrassing photos go up yeah it's really common and cliche and it's an unoriginal thought but it's always always funny when i just seen what you used to look like going to the staff room and put like uh photos from 20 years ago up um so this is my muggle corner i'm'm selfish, impatient, a little bit insecure.

I make mistakes. I'm out of control. And at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at the worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. The fuck is that shit? People live by that shit. People regurgitate it.

Look, if you're selfish and impatient and a little bit insecure and make mistakes and out of control and I can't handle you at your best I'm fucking out of dodge yeah

I want your best if that's your best but I have to fucking earn it yeah I have to do chores fucking half of the time yeah yeah just to get the bit

where you're like you're placid yeah if you can't handle me at my worst like that's what yeah I fully agree with you like if

if I'm dating I need your baggage at the door if I'm dating you and I'm a piece of shit and you can't handle my worst, leave because it's not going to get better. Why would you want me at my worst? I should be trying every day to be the best person. I'm not impatient.

I'm not that insecure. I don't make many mistakes. I'm in control most of the time. Which is weird because you should be insecure. Insecurity is such an ego thing yeah and we do have massive egos no but it's i think it's right i might be wrong i usually am but i think if you're like worried about yourself all of the time you're thinking about yourself too much i'm one like if you're insecure if you're just like oh poor me what about what but the only reason we're

confident is because we think about ourselves all the time, in a positive light. But surely you're not caring what people think? We absolutely do care. Our job is to care what people think. Oh yeah, yeah, but I'm... But what about if they think, ah shit, this is... I've malfunctioned.

You have. I've malfunctioned as have I've malfunctioned as a human do you want me to reset you can you just turn me on then back on again I'll get my dick out and lay in

I have it I'll show you a picture of me naked and a picture of me going for naked don't ask how I've got both so back to insecurity

let's cite the case of Matthew Ellis, our flatmate. He gets insecure about a gig in case it goes badly. And he's like, oh, but what if it fucks up? What if they don't like me? What if they don't find me funny? Isn't that him going, oh, shit, this is me. It's all about me, me, me, me. If you go on going, oh, I hope they find me funny,

not for my sake, but for their sake so that they enjoy it and they have a laugh and they have a good value for their money it's not about me it's not about me fucking getting the plaudits it's about them having a good time in the minute you put it on them you can stop being insecure because it's about them and not you yeah but even then like as a comedian anyway yeah as a comedian but the reason we're so like you and me before gigs we're everyone on the tour has been like do you need to go practice or rehearse we're like no i'll just drink and stay on my phone until you call me on stage but again i think some i think some promoters like worry that we're not taking it seriously enough because we're just chilled out

and reading a book like five minutes before call i'm two-sided uh no i i think it's uh the same thing the reason we are confident i won't and again this is this is i agree with you it's the same thing. The reason we are confident... And again, I agree with you, it's fully ego, but we're on the other side of it. I've never walked onto a stage and been like... At least in recent years on tour, I've been like, well, I'm not going to smash this. I'm worried they might not enjoy it.

Yeah, I'm not worried that they won't enjoy it. Because I know I've got that level of confidence and arrogance and then like I'm going to fucking smash this and here's how bad the ego is like even in my head I'm like his thing is oh if they don't enjoy it fuck it that's on me my ego is so bad I'm like if they don't enjoy it they're fucking idiots

wrong statistically they're wrong I've done the show for like two months now I've worked it out there's a couple of people in the previews that were right. Yeah, the couple of people in previews. Yeah, Livingston every year. You guys have the patience of a saint.

But if you can't... Sometimes I'm patient. If you can't... You can't handle Livingston at their worst. If you can't handle my stand-up at the worst, just come see the real shows. Why don't you come and see previews? Do you know I had a conversation with a comedian

called Michael Fabry great comedian good lad and we were talking about he was on about some comedians are shy and I remember having like

it was not an argument it was a heated debate about I was convinced comedians can't be shy now there are some people that are like shy for comedians that are maybe

a little bit more introvert in social situations but you can't be a shy comedian it's such an oxymoron because you're going to be in a position where you're elevated lit up, amplified demanding the attention of others, you're in the light

when they're in the dark, that's not the actions of a shy person, it's a naturally alpha position it's an alpha dog position because everyone in that room is looking at so anyone that plays the beta character on stage I feel that it's a character because you're in a position of alpha. But that's why I like... My favourite comics are the likes of Nick Cody

and Bill Barr and Seda Silverman and Chappelle and stuff. Amy Schumer. Amy Schumer. Alpha. Alpha. And it's just these people on stage just dominate just be like

I am the fuck and I love it because don't get me wrong I do enjoy the sort of beta comedy stuff you know James Acaster's fucking brilliant

Sam Simmons is amazing Sam Simmons is amazing does the sort of see Zoe Lyons see when Zoe Lyons goes on stage and she's just the fucking biggest

Alpha in the room and she's just like that's that arrogant. I'm going to fucking destroy. I love that. That's also why I love Conor McGregor. Yeah. Because I think we live in a world now where it's...

I think arrogance is only... Arrogance is confidence if you're delivering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't be arrogant if you're not delivering the goods. You can only be confident if you're delivering the goods. Yeah, arrogance is confidence that isn't backed up yeah yeah

I fully agree with you if you've ever posted so my thing with a shy comedian is that because Fabry's argument is that they could be shy the majority of the time

but then when they're on stage they're not and I was like okay so if I suck the dick for 20 minutes every day but I'm straight the rest of the time does that

does that mean I'm straight that means you're bi I'm bi yeah you're in the middle so they're shy sexual I mean it was an awful joke but it's enough to seal off this section

okay so if you if you repost Marilyn Monroe's quote you're not just a muggle but you're probably you're probably a bit of a fucking psychopath man

a bit of a dick just have a word just stop being a dick to the person you're with. Don't make them loving you a fucking challenge for them. It should be easy for them to love you. Don't make the nice side of your personality a payoff that they've worked for. At no point when they're with you, they should be like,

oh, he'll be nice tomorrow. Like, maybe tomorrow will be one of his good days. Just amplify their life. Look, all my job is in Natalie's life is to make her life better. Aye. Not worse. If I find that I'm dragging her down at any point, then I'm fucking doing it wrong. Yeah.

And she needs to leave you. If you're listening to Natalie, you know what to do. Muggles have pictures of cars as their profile pictures. Yes. Thank you for the Twitter recommendation. Yeah, unless you are fucking Optimus Prime, that is not a selfie. Like, it you for the Twitter recommendation Unless you are fucking Optimus Prime That has not a selfie Like, it's just the Your car's your life

It's like bright green And it's got a spoiler and a black bonnet It's just like your defining characteristic Is the vehicle that drives you around Just What are you, seven? Facebook's like A social doorpost of your life

isn't it and that's that's the way you're presenting yourself that's the projection you're going to give is the car yeah but as well the fact that it's a material thing's quite yeah like if it's a picture of like if even even though on this podcast i rail against couples and people that are happy and in love if your profile picture is of you and your girlfriend or your boyfriend part of me on the inside is like no no no i mean that's who you are like if you like you're you love this person if it's your kids that fully like if they're young kids as well like and you've created a cute child why would you not have their profile picture their picture is your profile picture because they're cute and you're fucking money so you got proof that like like you know that we fine for the first eight years I fully get that

but when it's your car like that's a pathetic life you live a pathetic life put a picture of your phone yeah yeah

that's my that's my fucking iPhone see the new I mean I don't know how you take a picture of your phone yeah oh shit

fuck put a reflection of your phone yeah then it's just a selfie in a mirror and I'd arguably forgive that. Not really. Mirror selfies.

Don't put your belongings as your profile photo. Aye. Don't put a material thing near my car. Yeah, it just shows what kind of fucking person you are. What about if you're like

standing against your car? I mean if it's a particularly good photo of you and the only reason the car's in the photo is because you're making a good face and you look good. your car I mean if it's a particularly good photo of you and the only reason the car's in the photo is because you're making a

good face and you look good fine but if it's like I used to have a sweet whip you know I had a proper sweet whip

was it a Lotus Elise I had a Toyota MR2 Mark 2 model it was a two seater I'm going to google it

leather interior red and black a Toyota what? a Toyota MR2 Mark 2 and this was when I was 19 years old so it's a bit dated now

Mark 2 it was a little bit dated then it was an old one even then but I felt like the fucking tits as a 19 year old driving around in that

if Facebook was a thing I would have probably had it's photos me cover photo oh jeez I'm looking at the car now that is it's fucking sweet

isn't it I had a black one nah did you not like it nah oh is that it I love that car it was like

fucking night ride I'm here it was like Michael Knight every fucking where I'm from back in my hood I felt like

everybody around about my age had a second hand Toyota like Celica Supras and stuff like that. Japanese cars. I mean, I would make you stand up.

I'd be bleach blonde hair. I'm so glad I didn't know you then. I'd be bleach blonde hair and be a Toyota MR2. Aye. I could give one person a lift to football. But nobody wanted a lift. Everyone walked. I had a sick whip. Even calling it a sick whip. My whip was off the chain. a lift of footballs but nobody wanted a lift everyone walked fuck I had a sick whip

even calling it a sick whip my whip was off the chain nah you're in the corner for 30 seconds with the use of both those phrases fuck I was rolling on dubs

mate 40 seconds fucking 18 inch rims fucking a minute are you doing the rest of the podcast in the fucking corner the aerial would go mate The aerial would go on. Mate.

The aerial would go on up and down on electronics. Get this. You know, when I flash someone out, the fucking headlights would flash up, flash, and then go back down. So it's like you're winking at them. Blinking. Winking's one eye.

I mean, if you're a professional. But mate, I fucking loved that car. It cost me so... I ended up in so much debt. Two grand for the insurance for a year. Because you were 19 and you were driving a fucking fucking loved that car. It cost me so... I ended up in so much debt. Two grand for the insurance for a year. Because you were 19 and you were driving a fucking hairdresser's car. Fucking car...

I'm waiting for your suggestion. You're not winning this. I don't think I appreciate you calling me a Toyota MR2 hairdresser's car. You're talking to the man that drove a fucking bright yellow Ford car with fucking eyelashes on it

that car was my boo oh man right so how long have we done by the way 50 minutes oh cool

so let's muggle corner I would just put that in did you put that one in the cars you have a profile photo

that's in people that complain about People that complain about People that complain about Younger people being on their phones It's an older generation of muggle Because they're just all being unsociable There's a reason it's called social media I'm sorry that

You are not as interesting If I'm on my phone It's because you're dull Or I've got work I think there's like a line to be drawn There's times when I know I get addicted to my phone Because I'm on my phone it's because you're dull or I've got work I think there's like a line to be drawn like there's times when I know I get addicted to my phone

because I'm like travelling on my own quite a bit so it's like it's my go to place so if I go visit my parents occasionally I'll leave it in the glove box

or I'll put it on silent and put it to one side so that I can enjoy the company without being distracted by it so I get that I can get in the way of social situations

but just in general like if I saw someone posted a photo of everybody on the tube on the phone distracted by it so i get that it can get in the way of social situations but just in general like if if like i saw someone posted a photo of everybody on the on the tube on the phone yeah it was everyone on it and there was like a complaint about it i was like what do you want them to talk to each other yeah strangers and also yeah it's like uh there was a good photo someone posted that one but someone posted a reply which was of a train 50 years ago and everyone on it wasn't talking to each other. They were all reading newspapers. It's like, this isn't a new thing.

We've always ignored each other. We've always been in our own little worlds. And I think people that say that always on the phone, they just see the phone as an inanimate object. It's the sum of its parts as if they're just staring at a block. But no, you're doing shit. Your mind's working. Your synapses are firing.

You're fucking engaged. The person that isn't engaged is the person that's looking at them going, this is not his phone fuck you old prick like as well it's the information age

why not embrace the fact that we can use information in the iron age you wouldn't go oh look at that prick using tools muggle

it's not like the good old days when we used to fucking bash rocks together fucking oh look at him with his fancy steel I remember the good old days when we used to make fucking fire with flint.

Yeah, I hate the older generations that do that and I want to make sure that I'm not part of it one day. I always hate that. The other one is when they go, oh, you know, back in my day, we didn't have depression or anxiety or dyslexia. We just called it being

an idiot and being a loser. And you go, yeah, back in your day, you also didn't call it breast cancer, right? Because you didn't know what it was. Science comes further. We've discovered new things. Are you the guys that used to give the children the cane? Yeah.

So that's better. You don't have ADHD. You're just a dick. I'm going to hit you. Yeah. Hold on. Who's the bad guy here? Yeah, the kid that's got a fucking mental disorder that you've not done the research into work out ADHD You're just a dick I'm gonna hit you Yeah Hold on Who's the bad guy here

Yeah The kid that's got A fucking mental disorder That you've not done The research in to work out What's going on in his head So you're trying to Beat it out of him

Yeah hitting him Into fear and acting On his impulses Ugh What Yeah just don't be an old cunt Like I really hope I can get old

And just not be a cunt You're gonna die So young mate I'm gonna outlive Every fucker I swear to god I'm immortal Oh man I think I. Oh, and I'm going to outlive every fucker. I swear to God, I'm immortal. Oh,

man, I think I'm going to live it. I'm asking the universe to live forever. On your vision board. Put it on my vision board, I put it in my wish box. Oh, fuck,

I've just totally jinxed it. I'm going to die. So, yeah, I just think like, I just want to roll with technology. I want to embrace it all. Like,

I fucking love me granddad for that. He could set the video. He was on Facebook. He was just like, he never, he never looked down roll with technology. I want to embrace it all. Like, I fucking love me granddad for that. He could set the video. He was on Facebook. He was just like, he never, he never looked down on the technology. I think, I think all that is,

is like, you're letting technology get away from you. So you're scared of it. So that you're insulted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all,

it all comes out of here. I fully agree. But if you are Kelly Hobbit, get in the corner, you fucking mug. But then again, probably don't listen to podcasts. Probably doesn't podcast.

So go and put your fucking dad in the corner. Scare him by his shoulders into the corner. Don't tell but then again probably don't listen to podcasts so go and put your fucking dad in the corner scare him by his shoulders into the corner don't tell him why he'll know count to 30 he'll know

my final mugger corner is one that I often am a victim of people that go that's a girl's drink I don't drink beer I've always hated beer I love cider

I love wine I love gin and tonic but you know what I love a fucking fruity cocktail I love daiquiris I love fucking mimosas I love fucking

you see anything with an umbrella or a sparkler in it that's my fucking jam like the pink of the drink like people you go first of all like

drinks don't have this idea of masculinity when it comes to drink no I'm not saying I'm not I don't have this idea of masculinity when it comes to drink I'm not saying I don't get a stupid little bit of testosterone when I'm drinking but my argument is whatever you're fucking drinking whatever manly fucking drink you're drinking

I'll drink my air quotes girly drink and I guarantee I'll drink you under the table cunt then we'll see who's the fucking alpha in this situation it's the content of the... I don't want... Like, it's better. It's a better fucking taste.

I don't like beer. Whereas, why would I not want, like, all these delicious fruits mixed together with alcohol that I can drink quicker so I can get drunk and enjoy your tedious fucking company? I'm doing this for you. Your buddy did that to me when I was swindling. And I got a gin and tonic. Oh, yeah.

And he had a beer. And he was like, what are you drinking? Like, pussy gin and tonic and he had a beer and he was like what are you drinking like pussy gin and tonic and I just fucking weighed the guy up and I was just like you little fucking I've been to Vegas

I've been to Glastonbury I've done the French Festival I'm on fucking tour I don't need to prove myself to this little cunt you know we have fucking one night out a month

and also like you know there's always that thing of like oh you know girls there's that idea that girls get drunk quicker.

Trust me, start drinking what girls drink, right? That alleged thing. Start, see when guys are like, oh mate,

I had fucking, I had 12 pints last night. You go, did you? That's about what, maybe 20 units of fucking alcohol. Do you know how many

fucking shots in our goddamn fucking daiquiri? Two bottles of Prosecco down here. Two bottles of, like, have you seen the girls that we had? Have you seeniquiri? Two bottles of Prosecco down here. Two bottles of Prosecco. Like, have you seen the girls that we have? Have you seen your missus pounding the fucking Prosecco?

Like, it's the only thing that makes her able to fuck you. Honestly. She drinks to forget. Yeah, that whole insinuating that a drink belongs to a gender as well. It's just like, fucking go and get back in your fucking time machine, you daft cunt. Because it doesn't work the other way, sort of around in a way.

I come from Blythe as well, I know birds that drink pints. Gene drinks whiskey like a goddamn fuck. I can't drink whiskey, I just don't like the taste, but Gene can fucking slam a bottle. And at no point have I ever been like, this one's all a little bit manly for you.

Man's drink. Man's drink, you want me to take a fucking kick? Get fucking, they're fucking drinks. Look, take gender out of you. Man's drink. Man's drink. You want me to take a fucking... They're fucking drinks. Look, take gender out of it. We're all legends for getting drunk. You know as well,

if someone's like, oh, you're drinking that faggy drink, and you're like, oh, the drink's gay, you're the one that's worried about what's going in my mouth. You're the one that's making my mouth your business.

You taft little shit. Yeah, even when the homophobia, when it's like, that's a gay drink you go again let's say have you ever drank with gay people

two of my favourite people on this that's the only place that's open when the nightclub shuts is the gay bar they're the fun ones I've got

like Rhys Nicholson one of my favourite human beings on this planet he's a phenomenal gay Australian comedian his fiancee Kyron

is a just this fucking sweetheart right he's straight though Kyron is a just this fucking sweetheart he's straight though Kyron isn't he he's bi I was joking because it's

his boyfriend he was straight before Rhys turned him Rhys turned him fuck go on Rhys he's probably good on him I mean he turned a proper

fucking stud as well Kyron he's a sexy man he would have fucking been dynamite in the straight playing field when he was bi he was crushing it left right and centre and man. He would have fucking been dynamite in the straight playing field. Well, when he was by, he was crushing it left, right and centre. And then Rhys comes along.

Fishing with dynamite? Fuck, he's turned me. Look at that. What do you know? Yeah, Rhys hasn't turned you, but Kyron has. Yeah, Kyron's the one you'd expect to turn, but Rhys fully turned him. Shows he's tall in the putter. One of the very few people, and I include you in this list,

the people that can drink toe-to-toe with me, there are obviously people who can out-drink me, but there's a much shorter list. Reece Nicholson can stand toe-to-toe with me for drinks, and has done for years. And that's always on air quotes, fucking gay drinks. You bring out any army man,

I guarantee I can drink most. Soppet, here's another great example. Soppet, who is this, he's the perfect example. Soppet is this manly man who was in the army. King of the session, though. King of the session. But he drinks rosé wine, but by a pint glass. Yeah.

Like, that's, there's nothing girly about, and even if it was girly, it's just gentle. You know, there's a reason for him drinking, you can't drink beer because of the fizziness in it or something, he's had an operation on his stomach because of a bit of shrapnel removed or some shit like that. So you can't drink the because the fizziness in it or something he's had an operation on his stomach because of a bit of shrapnel removed or some shit like that so you can't drink the man's drink because he got blew up so that just totally

fucking devalues the argument like are you drinking a girl's drink it's like I got blown up by a bomb Jane just got nothing to do with this alright so if you call if you call drinks or whatever

like girly drinks get straight in the corner alright go to yours and let's do a quick one alright there the last one is a shared Facebook

page with a partner I've never seen that happen but if I did I think I'd cringe into a ball of self-loathing I've got a handful on mine that's

like fucking Stuart and Jane Maguire to make up some names Stuart and Jane would be the first name and then

Maguire would be the second and you're just like oh holy fuck like is that is that worried about it look if be the second and you're just like oh holy fuck like is that is that worried about look if you're that worried

you're going to cheat on each other just don't be together alright because you clearly and also don't force yourself not to cheat is that what it is

is he in charge of like her friends and that like if she's like can I Debbie sent a friend a question and he's like I never really liked Debbie

says no now she can't be social friends with her mates on Facebook because he doesn't like them just be individuals

if you've got a joint Facebook thing you're absolutely a muggle go stand in separate corners you and your

muggle partner and see tell us how traumatising it is to spend 30 seconds away from each other you codependent fucking roaches

get to different corners I think like being in a relationship you should still be two individual people and 30 seconds away from each other, you codependent fucking roaches. Get to different corners. I think, like, being in a relationship, you should still be two individual people. Don't become one boring person. Don't shave up the things that make you you just so that you can fit with them. Never let them fucking Hollywood your name.

Like, if I started calling you Cattly, like, I think you'd kill yourself. Cattly. Cattly. Are Cattly coming? Can I nally the coming? Cattly? Yeah. Totally, yourself. Catley. Catley. Are Catley coming? Can I nally the coming? Catley? Yeah.

Totally, right. Look, just be friends. You know what it is? Just be mates with each other. Just be mates that fuck each other. Yeah. Disgustingly. Give each other the good old one-two.

Right. The one-two shuffle. Final round. Your dad jokes. Where me and dad... Me and dad? Me dad? Dad?

Me and my dad insult each other's kais. Me and Kai insult each other's dads. You want to go first? Yep. Your dad pulls faces at himself in the mirror. Your dad puts croutons in his lime sip. Eats it with a spoon, dips bread in it. Your dad puts jam sandwiches in his back pocket when he leaves for night shift.

Then cries when he sits on them. Still eats them though. Your dad uses the bubbles in the bath to pretend that he's got a foam beard that he shaves. But he also does the same with foam armpit hair that he also shaves. And foam pubes that he also shaves. And he also makes a foam baby that he shaves but he also does the same with foam armpit hair that he also shaves and foam pubes and he also shaves those and he also makes a foam baby that he kisses your dad goes straight

from the urinal to the hand dryer your dad thinks the moon landings are fake but your mum's orgasms are real every time your dad goes swimming he gets rescued by the lifeguard

Your dad eats your mum out like he's eating corn on the cob with butter Your dad calls your mum sir Your dad has a velcro belt Your dad bought those Velcro belt. Your dad bought those electronic ab muscle stimulation pads from August and he put them on his fat belly once for about 15 minutes and now they're on eBay.

Your dad licks his eyes like a chameleon. Your dad plays the floor as lava with his mates. Your dad painted lightning bolts on your mum In an attempt to make her leave him faster I saw your dad last night in Tiger Tiger And he was twerking like the DJ had him under a spell Your dad puts the condom over his balls Your mum let her dad have top bunk on his birthday.

She doesn't do it for the rest of the year because he always pisses himself. It's like getting slow Chinese water torture. Puts the waterproof sheet on on his birthday. Your dad took maternity leave when Viva Pina came out. Maternity?

Paternity. Oh, is it paternity? Paternity. What's maternity? What's the difference? It's paternal, maternal. What's the difference? Paternal's father and maternal's mother.

Oh. So when you say your grandparents on your paternal side, it's your dad's mom. Yeah, I was calling your dad your mom. What? I was calling your dad your mom. It was a double whammy. I want to suck on his pammery glance. Go.

Your dad shaved his pubes into the Batman symbol. Your dad holds the postman's hand through the letterbox. Whenever he delivers it he just catches his fingers and holds it there for a bit. Just piss at him.

Alright. We are on tour. Why not come see us? Probably because you don't live where we're going. But if you tour Why not come see us Probably because you don't live where we're going But if you do Why not come on down So by the time this comes out On the 7th of November

We are in Tallinn, Estonia Which is always Is that next? Yeah that's tomorrow It's a day if you're listening When we'll put it up Today 7th of November Amazing

Yeah that's a gig every year we've done a 480 seat and it's sold out so this year we're moving up to 600 seat which I believe

is almost sold out so the Comedy Estonia guys the oh Louis Ezra and the fucking wizards man they are like so if you're in

Tallinn Estonia get those tickets quickly because it's very close to being sold out on the 8th of November we are in Tartu, Estonia. We've not played there before. Party town, man.

Is it? I've been before. I've done a club gig out there. It's just a fucking drinking session, isn't it? Fucking awesome. Get on it. 9th of November, we are in Riga in Latvia. First time us.

10th of November, we're in Kaunas, Lithuania. First time us there too. 11th of November, back to one of our all-time favourites, Vilnius, Lithuania. And the 12th November, the last day of the European tour, we're in Helsinki in Finland. All of these dates are available on kaihanfries.com. Yes,.com. Danielsloss.com. He's also got merch so you can buy his thing.

Apart from that, genuinely thank you for listening to this fucking stupid thing. We stood up to some serious topics today, didn't we? Yeah, we did, yeah. And please don't respect anything we... We're aware that we're wrong on most things, but... We all thought out opinions. Don't listen to our opinions as things that you should take seriously or take to heart. Just listen to them so that you can think up all your counter-arguments to them

and then have a stronger, more valid opinion than we have. Use ours to reinforce your correct opinion. Yeah, if anything, we're like a sparring partner. You wouldn't know if your fucking house was sheltered from the rain unless it rained once in a while. Yeah, yeah. We are the dumb rain that is checking the intellectual

stability of your mind tiles. I forgot through that. I'm going to try and build your own I nearly just stopped recording the podcast we should do that now we should share all that stuff let us know what games you want to play

next week thanks for the tweets guys we appreciate the suggestions and also whenever you guys send us a picture of someone who's doing something that does always make make us laugh. So please keep that coming. Thank you for listening.

Go fuck yourselves. Love you all. Peace.