Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.12 I Love you, but...

Episode Date: November 10, 2016

You need joy, you need happiness, you need a distraction from the troubles of the world. Pour Muggins and Cream in your ears and drift away to your safe place. The boyos reveal several gripes that they have about eachother that need to change. Chances are they'll rinse you for being a muggle. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

I don't care. Oh, we're rolling. We are now. I thought it was like the TV, Poland TV. No, what? When I said, is this live? Just as it went live. And it was live.

We are back. Welcome to another episode. Is that what it's called? Yeah, we're living in a Trump world now. Oh, God. Thank God America's great again. Oh, well done, America. Well done, America. Well done, isn't it?

It's Muggins and Cream back on the air. I'm Muggins. And I'm Cream. We're in the post-apocalyptic world of the Donald Trump vote. It's dystopian. Look out the window. You'll see nuclear fallout. Did you say dystopian?

Dystopian. Dystopian. Dystopian. Dystopian. Utopian. Dystopian. Dystopian. Utopian. Dystopian. Dystopian. Not dystopian. No, utopian. Utopian world. So if you look out the window you'll see all the ash from the nuclear fallout and stuff like that. Oh no, it's snowing. Sorry, we're in Latvia, we're in Riga and it's snowing. So Trump would love this because it's all white. Boom. First joke of the podcast. Straight out of the gates. But don't worry

guys. You're in your safe place. You've got your headphones on, muggins and cream in your ears and you're cooking your dinner with the speakers on. However you choose to intake this. That's where you are now. You don't have to worry about the world. He's not going to do anything though. Nah, I don't think so. Like it's his idea that he's going to do

all this. It all has to go through Congress. There ain't going to be a wall. There's I don't think so. Like, it's this idea that he's going to do all the, like, it all has to go through Congress. There ain't going to be a wall. There's not going to be, like, I think the only person that's shitting themselves more than the public is Donald Trump because his bluff's been called. I think he will bring

a few things back. Like, he's definitely bad for the LGBT and all the other letters community. He's revoking a lot of the stuff that Obama pushed through. Really? Yeah. Can we talk about LGBT? You know the B?

Yeah. That means bisexual. I think so. Are you not in a good place? Is that not a good... I would fucking love to be bi. Why? I get people have to fight bi Why? Because I get like People have to fight for their rights And everything

But bisexual Bisexual just seems like a fucking golden ticket Like the way I feel about pussy I'd love to feel that way about dick I would fuck it It would be amazing But that's also because you are Arguably a

You're arguably a liberal person, so that you don't give a fuck. But the G's got the bit of the B covered. The bit that you have to fight for your rights for on bisexual, the gay part's covered you. Or is it about the label? They don't like to be labelled as gay. Yeah, because they're bi.

They're sort of sexually fluid. They like both. Fucking legends. That's like a life hack. Yeah. I would love to be.... That's like a life hack. Yeah. I would love to be... If I could take a pill to love, dick. I'm physically disgusted by cock.

Yeah. Well, mainly just because you have to see yours. Mine's just fucking glorious. I reckon I could turn you. Nah. It's like a beacon. It looks like you've got a constant semi on when you're running your boxers.

Yeah. You just look like you've got a semi-lob on. Can you embarrass him? You just think... Yes, having a large dick is embarrassing. No, but it looks like you're waltzing around with a fucking semi-lob on. You look like you've got a banana in your pants. It generally does look like...

Maybe I'm just happy to see you. Maybe I'm just happy to see you. Like, if you get a hard-on, do you go light-headed? You got a cartoon dick? Like, I wonder... It is cartoon-like. on you go lightheaded you got a cartoon dick like like i wonder it's cartoon like if i'm if i'm naked and i get an erection it's like sideshow bob standing on a rake i could give myself several black eyes like i would i reckon i'd take a little bit of a not take it you know like own one yeah like have it i think i'd like to have a bigger cock

but like i feel like what happened like know, if my cock started growing, right? Yeah. I would go, when? Like, it's as if that happened to you, but you went, when? When? When? Stop, what am I going to do with this? Fucking carry it around in a wheelbarrow.

Fucking. So, yeah, I'm not, I don't have penis envy with you. No, well, The worst thing is The condoms I've got to buy those online Like you've got They send like You've got to print out

A little sad Fucking like paper Tape measure That's a dangerous game You put your cock on the paper You put your chicken skin Fucking ball bag Right on the

Right on the fucking You put your old man's chin on there I'm 26 This doesn't look like An old man's chin, yes. Your balls. Your ball sack. It's not dropped yet. Fuck, my balls looked like an old man's chin

when I was about six. Well, the fact that they're always rested. It's got a big ugly cock. It's got loads of dribble on it. Birds. Birds drool. Only little six-year-olds. It's going around getting bluzzards.

So, yeah, you measure your cock, and then you send away a phone. Because you've got to get a hard. It's because you're not measuring a soft one for a condom. Oh, yeah. So, the first time I had to get it, you get a hard. So, did you have to get two bits of paper? Did you have to get an A3? Wrap of paper.

You've got to go to the print shop to get an A3 rapid paper he got it he got it at the print shop to get an A3 print of the measuring hey why don't you just measure it

what why do you print out a tape measure because it's not they don't measure it in inches it's like it's letters

for the width and then you wrap the paper around your dick yeah you gotta measure the width because it's the girth as well

is the problem because that's normally my problem with baby condoms or normal condoms as you call them, is like, I've already got trouble keeping the blood going down there, but when... Stop pointing at your dick when you're talking, I keep looking at it. Put it away. Because it cuts off the circulation, so it's just, yeah.

So, for years I just thought, for years when I was like 19, 20, I thought I had erectile dysfunction, like I was really, like, just because I i couldn't stay hard it was fucking terrifying for me i was like i'm 20 and i can't keep a fucking hard on yeah is it like you're in a j machine and you have to like pump blood to your head to stay awake every every time a hot girl walks past just strap your leg and you start goose stepping I accidentally kicked a baby over a fence what are you doing getting hard around a baby

no his mum was hot saved it she was walking a dog what do we so where have we been we went to Estonia for the last couple of days and holy fuck Estonia

we're turning up in droves. Was it 600 in Tallinn? And then we went to Tartu last night where there was an extra 200. So that's 800 people in Estonia. Estonia has a population of 1,300,000 and some

odd number, but 1.3 million is the specific point that I'm trying to make. I mean it probably changed since your last check yeah a couple of suicides since trump got vote got in um and that works out as a ratio it would be like getting 40 000 people in getting the uk 800 in estonia is the same ratio as getting 40 000 in the uk yeah there you go you go, all haters that doubted me. I'm big in Estonia. Suck it, cunt. And they're fucking sick crowds out here, too.

Yeah, and man, they got me fucking wasted last night. They bought me these shots called Sparta. Oh, last night. So, yeah, we're out with a bunch of comics. This guy, Ari Matiasen, is that what you say his name? Ari foreign name.

Yeah. Ari something Baltic. He's an Estonian comic. Proper, proper sound cunt. One of the legends. Nothing muggly about him. And fucking has a Wikipedia knowledge of UFC. Yeah.

And jokes to go with it as well. Like he's fucking... So we were out with him and they bought some shots called Sparta, which is essentially some mixture of Absinthe Fucking petrol I'll tell you what it was It was absinthe And have you heard of

Straw S-T-R-O-H Straw I think I don't know where it's from But fuck me I had a shot of it before When I was in

Morbeth On the drink You could get it in the bank Little fucking Little bit of knowledge of It was like a proper Mix of this It was 80% all together

Yeah absinthe Tequila and straw In a double shot The second it hit my mouth I spat it back out Like it was Like my mouth was on fucking fire Yeah it was like cleaning agent

Oh it was horrific And they were They were giving you grief For not taking the shot And I just fucking Steamrolled it in And fucking took yours as well And

Then I spewed on the pub floor Right beside me Literally you went It wasn't it wasn't an immediate spew either it was like a time bomb it was about 30 40 minutes later and you were like just i need you to make a distraction and i'm like why and then you just put your head down beside my fucking knee and just spewed fucking all the way everywhere yeah lewis snitched on us as well lewis uh tagged me into a facebook post to the pub. Oh, did he? Yeah.

What a fucking snitch. What a fucking snitch. A fucking snake in the grass after putting on such beautiful shows with fucking hundreds of people and then fucking rats us out like that. We had a fucking hotel room with a sauna in it. Holy shit, so we did. Like, sometimes

the gay room is just where those get stronger because the second I saw that sauna I'm like wow, me and the boy are having a sauna. You were like, what room are you in? You weren't like, come to my room, you were like, what room are you in? And I told you and then you come in, looked in my bathroom and then dragged us to yours.

I just went, I'll get my shorts and ran back and then we just kissed. Didn't even turn the sauna on, it was just a nice little cozy room. There was fucking hardly any room left Because of these fucking massive cocks Filling the fuck up Just like pressed up against the window Me face mushed against the sonar door window

So is your penis small Or is it like average size? Nah it's cute Nah it's cute like a little training cock Natalie That's raining Little training cock Starter cock

Natalie pitches its cheek You know what right it's like it's not noteworthy I mean there's times when I'm on coke where I wouldn't show anyone

right where it's like an outie belly button so it does have its moments where I'm like oh man we're meant to be friends

but you know I just sorry I'll have a shower of football I didn't mean it you know no one's gonna look twice no one's going to look twice.

No one's going to go, what the fuck's that? I mean, probably ginger bush they'd look at, but I trim that back. You got ginger bush? It's getting less ginger. It's getting like me hair, it's getting cured. But I normally cut that back. Just to make it an extra centimetre. But I, it's like,

girls would consider anal you know like they wouldn't write it off they wouldn't balk like they're probably like Jenna Jameson would probably go with you and go

no I didn't do that I'm a lady sit down on a stool and lose it but sometimes when I'm having sex with Natalie I can feel a finger

going in as well just to give it to her I just pretend I don't notice at least you hope it's her finger and not that guy just come back

to find out where your bathroom is I just probably crack on oh I nearly got into a fight last night because he oh yeah

so we were walking down the street you were already pretty drunk at this point and it was snowing in Estonia and if you don't know me I'm a

massive child I love the snow it's my favourite thing I was sliding on my feet he was doing skids I was doing skids I was making cool

noises I was getting all the birds and then yeah we were walking down the street and there was like these really like tall benches with

tall backs that you can hide behind. So Kai's the last in, and he doesn't see me, he just hides in a doorway. I was just walking along chatting to Marion the other morning, just a few feet behind the rest of the group. Yeah, and then 20 feet behind us is a group of three Estonians, two guys and one girl. So I make a snowball, I throw throw it get you right on the back of the head and I hide down you turn around

and I'm just doing this because I assumed you would know I was hiding and then you turn around I was just like oh because they were laughing because they'd seen me

throw the snowball and I was like eyeballing them and I was just like alright they're messing around like that's something like someone in our group could do when whacking like dicks

so like I was I had my headphones around my shoulders around my shoulders like I do my backpack stretching them

stretching them out I had my headphones around my neck and I was like it would have been a different story if it had fucking spaffed my headphones

aye and then and then I kept on walking and then then I ran to the next one made another snowball through the one that one hit you in the back and then you started to get a little chest come out you got a little chest up your shoulders well me fucking peacock fell as well and i just stood fucking eyeballing them as they walked up i was like you don't even know me they're still

laughing because they know it's me they don't they're not aware that they're about to get into a fight that I've started. So I'm laughing away because I'm like, I can hear you getting annoyed. What did I shout? Did I shout you don't even know me? I'm like, you don't even know me? What are you doing?

You don't even know me? Because I thought it was a fucking bold move because I was in a mellow mood, but I could be a fucking psychopath, you know? Yeah. I could hear you getting more and more wild. I'm like if I throw one more

he might get into a fight but also that's a better story so I ran behind the net he's went through and it didn't hit you but it skimmed past your ear and that was when I saw you

take one step towards him and I jumped out I was like that was me yeah I fucking reached for my watch so I take my watch off because that's the thing with people like that as well

I've got a really bad habit of Because that's the thing with people like that as well. I've got a really bad habit of calling people's bluff. If they're like, anybody that says what you're looking at, or anyone that does anything aggressive, that they're doing the aggressive thing to make you back down. That is normally when I'll fucking throw a punch in, because I'll be like, you weren't expecting this at all. Wasn't it that time that you fucking Spartan kicked the guy in Newcastle?

I front kicked a guy in the chest in Newcastle after a stand gig. He'd been heckling during the gig, but he wasn't a bad heckler. He was just enjoying the show a little bit too much, you know, throughout every one. Yeah, yeah. Disruptive, right? So he wasn't a bad egg. I offered to buy him a pint afterwards, but I said no to the drink because I didn't want to spend time with him.

You know, I was just like, you've kind of ruined the show a little bit. You don't realise you're doing it. And then we ended up back at the hotel and we're in the lobby, not the lobby,

the smoking area outside the patio. Okay. Beer garden. In the beer garden. Right. And I was there with two other comedians,

Keir McAllister and Kevin Gilday. Right. And this fucking, this guy ended up in the beer garden and he's having a drink with his missus right and then he ended up having a fallout with his missus his missus went to bed and he stayed but he wasn't bothering us any right and then this crazy fucking chick come out and started like trying to start arguments with us and just like shouting on and it was just a fucking full moon day for bellends right

and i went to the bathroom and when i come back uh, this girl kicked off at Kevin Gilday and stormed out, and then Kevin Gilday shouted something as she left, right? And then this boy who'd been heckling took it upon himself to defend the honour of the crazy girl, and I didn't even know what had happened. So he's fucking yap, yap, yap, chatting away to fucking Kevin Gilday, and Kiam McAllister gets up to try and pacify him and everything, and then I just started taking my coat off, thinking I'm going to end up getting in a fight in a minute. And he spotted me taking my coat off. So he kind of lurched towards me. And I front kicked the cunt in the chest.

He fucking chops off. I kicked him in the big fat guy as well. I didn't want him to clinch up. I didn't want to end up wrestling with a guy because he would have flattened us. So I just put him at distance. Did he threaten you with a bottle at one point? When Kias first stood up,

he grabbed the bottle overhand by the neck, but didn't really do anything with it. He didn't know if he was going to be getting into a fight himself then. So he kind of grabbed the bottle. And that was when I was like, oh, fuck, this guy's on the edge. He's on the edge of snapping. He's fucked his night up.

He's fucked up the comedy. He's fucked up his girlfriend's evening. And now he's just in self-destruct mode. He's going to fuck it up for himself so I started taking my coat off in case Keo was in trouble and then hey

that happened front kick him in the chest it was a great move I've never opened with a front kick before I've always said that because a lot of people listening to this podcast can assume that you're a violent person

I will vouch for you and say it as I've always said you are a scummy batman you'll never get into a you'll never start a fight you'll finish them like it's you do not your thing isman you'll never get into a you'll never start a fight you'll finish them like it's you do you do not your thing is like you'll never fight someone just for the sake of

fighting but your attitude is very much if you're being a dick your attitude needs your attitude is if you're being a dick you've obviously never had that attitude corrected i'll be the one to correct your correction and fuck man i've had my behavior corrected i've i've been a dick in the past like especially when I'm younger and a teenager and shit like that. Get your head kicked in and learn.

It humbles you. It's fucking really good for you, I think, sometimes. But my brother, Gav, he had a word with his one name because I was on a spate of fucking just chin and bellends. I was just on a fucking mission.

I felt like everyone that was a dick just needed to get it. And Gav just put his arm around his one day and just went you can't beat up everybody that's a cunt because there's too many cunts

yeah and then you knocked him out aye one less right should we go into we've got I think we should open

with our new game obviously you and I tour together after this game we may not be talking to each other for the remainder of the podcast and it may just be 30 minutes of silent I think we should open with our new game. Obviously, you and I tour together. After this game, we may not be talking to each other for the remainder of the podcast, and it may just be 30 minutes of silent treatment. One thing we need to kind of notice is, and this happens a lot,

you and I, when we argue, at no point when you and I are arguing are we not friends. But we will shout at each other, we'll point, and we get very passionate, but at no point... Oh, I had to explain to people last night because we were arguing about a point. Yeah, probably. And I was having so much fun arguing with you yeah because i really enjoy arguing with you because neither of us back down and both of us make very good points and also there's that thing of honor with us whenever we're in an argument is the first one to make the other

one laugh even if your point's wrong you win yeah like if you make the other person crack a fucking smile but i could see that uh some of the estonian comedians and the guys that were hanging out with were were concerned i'm misjudging it a little bit and that makes it more awkward because then because they're like guys guys calm down and we're like no no this is like when people say the words calm down you're like my only reaction is to get out because i'm like we're not angry but saying i'm not angry while shouting it i just like i just wanted to go get out of here I'm sorry that whenever you fight you get all sensitive but this game is essentially

it's called that's between us but I feel like that when I argue with most people I don't feel like there's an awkwardness or like tension yeah because I'll argue with people because I think it's also I'm very willing to admit when I'm wrong like I'll go yeah alright you fucking proved me wrong or whatever I think people have take it personally'm very willing to admit when I'm wrong. Like I'll go, yeah, all right, you fucking proved me wrong, whatever.

I think people have, take it personally. I can't imagine ever having an argument, even one that I'm losing, where I'd storm out in a huff. Yeah. Yeah, just think, oh man.

I'm not talking to you anymore. So we got this game, because we tour together, we do have little gripes about each other, but we thought we'd do it in a nice way. This is a couple's therapy thing. It's called I Love You But. And we start off and say, I love you love you but and then something annoying that you do that you might not be aware that you do and then a punishment that we have

and we can discuss each other's annoying qualities. So we've, this game stemmed from I annoy Daniel all the time by saying are we in the same seat every time we get on a plane, every flight. I don't even like saying it, I'm just committed to it. I'm like fully committed to the bit. Sometimes I'm just like are we in the same seat every time we get on a plane, every flight. I don't even like saying it. I'm just committed to it. I'm fully committed to the bit. Sometimes I'm just like, are we in the same seat? I don't want to say it. It's the same with me in the car. Anytime you're about to get into the car,

I will move over to that side of the seat and make you walk around the car twice. It's just fun. So I'll go to get in the door, he's in the window. One time I went to get in the front of the taxi, he climbed through the front. Taxi driver wasn't happy But I was very happy To the commitment to that bit Commitment Shall I go first

Yes Right I love you But if you explain our in jokes In a horrifically unfunny Non-linear Drawn out way To someone else again

I will skull fuck your head Until you look like A pest dispenser Like it's the most It's the It happens every day I do that to annoy you though It's the most

I don't think I did initially I think I was just trying to make people privy to what we're talking about you and I absolutely you and I in this podcast

is privy you and I when we're on tour Jean always says we come back with like a secret language because there's so many in jokes

and they get shorter and shorter and shorter and we just know the trigger words that'll make someone else laugh now it's easy

to explain those jokes to Jean because she'll be around us and hears. But sometimes I'll say something. We'll be having a conversation and then I'll just do a little joke to you. Just a little joke off to the side. You'll laugh. We'll both laugh. Nobody wants to know what it is.

And then it's like a five minute explanation. Full back story. Full back story. When I was a young boy I remember the first time I met Daniel. So when he says this, this means that. And the whole time I'm just like... Any explained joke's not funny. Yeah, yeah.

Who had the quote that I'm going to misquote right now about a joke is like a frog if you dissect it, it dies? I think it's just a very old joke and old comedy saying. So, yeah. If you dissect dissect that you learn more about it but it still dies it still dies

yeah but you learn more about it it's the important part of the that's what I misquoted I knew I was going to misquote it

so there you go that's my first gripe about you yeah so you guys are very lucky that you're all in on all the in jokes now

what's your first gripe I mean Daniel I love you but if you keep walking when I stop to tie my shoelaces again

I'm going to publicly humiliate you by loudly pretending to break up with you as you walk away. I'm going to shout, fucking can't believe you went with that bitch,

that whore, and a woman as you fucking walk off because, honest to God, like, I'll just, two seconds, mate,

and I'll go down and do my lace and then, if I've got to walk behind you like an oppressed Muslim wife, I'll come fucking two seconds mate, and I'll go down, do my lace. And then, if I've got to walk behind you, like an oppressed Muslim wife, I'll come fucking skipping after you like a fucking... Nobody tells you to skip, you can just run. No, no, skip.

Don't want me to lose, don't want me to lose, just come loose over here. I would wait for you, if it happened once a day, but every five metres, I'm going to buy you Velcro shoes. That's not my problem if you can't keep them fucking tied honestly though I remember what it is if I tie them once untie

but if I do a double knot you can't get them off I have to sleep your shoes off I've fucking got them off for days days and days go by

it's a new moon by the time I've got them off I do I'll give you that I'm a very impatient person and you do it as well when say if I like drive you somewhere

in the UK to like I'll pull up at the destination and you will just as well when, say if I drive you somewhere in the UK to, I'll pull up at the destination and you will just get out the car and then just walk towards where we're going. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I've got to get my bag out the boot and shut the car and everything,

lock the car. And I'm just like, what have I got to catch up with you now? Yeah. Spend time apart. Is this really missing you? Is this really missing you? I can see you.

I can see you literally feet away. But I can't smell you. But I'm feet away But I'm alone He's walking away He's got abandonment issues You're worried that I'm just going to walk out of you One day I'm just going to keep walking and not look back I've got an in-joke to explain Remember when we were on Mushrooms

At Glastonbury Festival I was in there It wasn't just It was acid as well I think and weed PCB and coke

and pills that was a suicide attempt yeah we were legends I'm still alive so you put your

wellies on because it was raining as fuck and I was in the caravan still and you just walked off and I didn't

have my wellies and I just watched you walk away and you looked back at us like longingly And I went

Is this it? Is this goodbye forever? The pain in your voice Was genuinely heartbreaking Is this it? Is this goodbye? No Christmas cards? Nothing?

Right I love you but If you continue to announce Your level of hunger out loud As if it's anyone else's problem Apart from your own I'm going to slap every sandwich out of your hand for the rest of your sandwichless life i'm hungry now the thing is i have a little bit hungry i'm hungry too but that's the thing you say shall we go get some food that's i've got zero problem with you being like should we go get

some dinner but you're like a toddler and there'll just be points in cars and on trains and in airports and law because you go I'm hungry as if it's anyone else's problem like I'm a fucking phobie

like a tamagotchi I'm hungry I'm hungry do you just get food then? you're an adult well I'm just giving you information so that if you're hungry too

we can probably scan for a little bit of breakfast you know but say shall we get some food Just get food then. You're an adult. Well, I'm just giving you information so that if you're hungry too, we can probably scan for a little bit of breakfast together. But say, shall we get some food? Because you're probably inviting me for dinner. But you don't want to know about my pains and my struggles. You want to be supportive. Don't give a fuck. Oh, well.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm a little bit tired either. Perfect. You're never going to find out I'm hungover this is like this you thinking you're punishing me is like when kids are being dicks and they go to their mum oh I'm not talking

to you anymore mum's going to be like oh no please get this going alright what's your next one I don't have any actually

oh do you remember that time that was awful oh this was great this was brutal so this game actually stems from a while ago

my other flatmate is a comedian called Matthew Ellis plays a character called Jelly Bean Martinez very funny but a little bit damaged

let's say yeah he's damaged but such a fucking cool guy such a funny dude he's such a cool guy but he's very he's very sensitive

and he's a sweetheart he's sexy he's dead hot I'd fuck him he's a proper proper sweetheart like he's very he's very sensitive and he's a sweetheart he's dead hot I'd fuck him he's a proper proper sweetheart like he's really really a golden

hearted child and his old flab it was a guy called Greg who's just this very fucking funny thick if you think my Scottish accent is

thick which you really should he's got the loudest laugh it's fucking great when you're just like riffing having a bit of banter with the

group 6am outside 6am and you've got Neva's you're like oh thating having a bit of banter with the group if it's 6am outside 6am and you've got neighbors you're like oh that laugh needs a fucking yeah shut that the fuck up so we were they'd lived together for like three years and we were like it's healthy to gripe about things so what you know what you do that annoys each other yeah because we had our passive aggressive uh whiteboard yeah yes we complain about each other all the time and it's and it's nice to get it off your chest but also know that you're annoying someone so then you know whether to do it just to annoy them

or rein it in whenever they're a little bit stressed. We made them each write out five things they hated about living with each other and Greg wrote five and he was very like, Ellis I love you but this and this and this and then Ellis just was like I think you're really sweet, I like how you sometimes

make me cereal in the morning. It was all nice things. Greg said five horrific things. Yeah, it was like, it was like really like, the stuff Greg wrote was really like ingrained. These have been bugging me for years. I feel liberated getting them off my chest.

He was like, I like that you make me a cup of tea in the morning. You always know when I want milk and when I don't well it seems like however awkward that was it seems like Greg was an amazing flatmate

and Ellis was a shy flatmate so then what they got there was the fucking just desserts on it they got what they deserved Greg deserved praise he made cereal

Ellis deserved fucking grief because he left fucking dog hair in the fucking sink and stuff it was something like that wasn't it even hair in the fucking sink and stuff it was something like that wasn't it leaving hair in the plug holes

he sings in the shower and he does vocal warm ups around the house which is always weird we think the house is haunted sometimes oh man like in the build up

to the fringe because I had previews before the fringe in Scotland I had like a week at your house with Ellis in the house

I could hear him practicing his show over and over and over again every hour every day because he's meticulous so meticulous.

So meticulous. It made me feel bad. I was like, am I not making an effort? Am I not trying? It's the two types of calm, not necessarily just two types of comedians, but I do know there are those that get stressed and they're worried, whereas you and I, you could tell me right now that I'm on stage in 30 seconds, nothing crosses my mind.

I'll go on stage and I'll do the fucking show. I just lick my finger and do my eyebrows and then get up there so you'd fucking draw them on yeah alright what's your next one my next one is if you just hey guys

let's start with I love you I love you but if you tell me I have to tell you I love you again I love you but if you just all

nonchalantly turn up wearing my clothes again I'm going to go on your phone settings and change the language to Japanese so they have to work out how to change it back. You just rock up in me gear. I think it's gone. I'm like, oh well, I must have left that at a hotel. Is this yours? Aye. Aye, that's me fucking birthday present. I've Natalie. At least you're underway.

Yes. You're me. It's me? Like I... Oh, fuck. I've just been tired of myself. I've always been a very firm believer, because this used to happen a lot when I lived with my parents and I had friends stay over. My rule is, if your clothes are in my house

for more than two days and I've washed them... I live with you! No, you don't anymore. That's been missing since I lived with you. The minute I moved into... Like, if it's in my cupboard, I'm wearing it. I moved Like if it's in my If it's in my cupboard I'm wearing it

I don't put your stuff In my cupboard Who does Jean probably Bitch She's working for me Who the fuck is that Who does that

Jean if you're listening Why don't you just put Some of my money In his wallet as well Because there's not There's not a lot of that That don't need it I've been selling

A lot of USBs actually I've got multiple currencies I'm like a fucking I'm like a secret agent In the amount of different Currencies I've got right now I'm like a secret agent The amount of different currencies I've got right now I don't know I need to take my jumper off But I want you to be aware

This is because I'm hot I'm not just rubbing it in your face That I'm wearing your shirt That's another thing I would steal your clothes If you had any decent gear That's a nice t-shirt It's a good one

Thanks A little safe scene on the front I think I broke the pocket It's got a little hole up there It's got a little shared pocket on it It's a different colour to the t-shirt itself I used to keep stuff in that I love you but

If you don't learn how to roll a joint or a cigarette By yourself and continue to attempt To puppy dog eye me into submission With eyes that more resemble a sexually abused badger. I will stub every future cigarette out in your neck so Natalie thinks you're having an affair with a dominatrix. Like,

every time, like, you'd be sitting there, I don't want to join, or I'm just, fine, I've stopped smoking, I haven't smoked in like eight months, and I'd be sitting there and be like, can you roll me a cigarette? Or the other one is when you think you're being subtle, you're like a child, you'd be like can you roll me a cigarette or the other one is when you think of being subtle

you're like a child you'll be like shall we have a joint and what that means is can you roll me a joint and you know I'm weak and you know but you know the thing is

like you can't roll a joint fair enough if I need one for me but if we're both having a joint yeah you don't want me to roll it no absolutely

because I can't roll a joint but I can fold a joint you can fucking fold one I can fold a good spliff It's an origami one Yeah And I mean

If I need one If there's no one there I can knock one up But fuck me I'd rather someone else did it I can't cook You know You can cook

I taught you a little bit I know some bits But you know If someone else can cook it for us I'm going to have a better meal That's my point What's your final one? But I've tried Letting the roll a spliff though I know some bits, but you know, if someone else can cook it for us, I'm going to have a better meal. One point. What's your final one?

But I've tried letting the roller spliff though. I sat with YouTube and fucking tried it there. I just haven't got it in us. I've got two left thumbs. Two left eyes. Two left thumbs. And a right one. That was my trash talk video for Gav.

Said he had two left nipples I don't know why He does What am I doing? I love you but If you refer to yourself as my boss again I'm going to put an agreement against you for sexual harassment And I'm going to take you to an industrial tribunal Call your bluff

Because if you're my boss, you're in trouble. You're in fucking deep trouble. Why? Fucking the way you treat us. Mistreatment. Where's me contract? Where's me contract?

Because I want to go through some things with a faggot of coal. It's my favourite. It's the most degrading thing to stay on stage as well. Just shut up, I'm your boss. I'm your boss?

I'm 12 fucking 7 years younger than you fucking bollocks I'm fucking allowing you to breathe I'm your boss fucking look you're not bleeding that's my doing

you're welcome it's the worst I can't wait for fucking the punch drunk gigs that we're doing no I'm your boss no I'm still your boss there nah I can't wait for fucking the punch drunk gigs that we're doing. No. When I'm your boss. No, I'm still your boss there.

No. Yeah. I booked you. So? I'm the talent, can't I? I'm the boss. You're opening for me. I'm being your employee.

Yeah, I'm bringing in the customers. I'll come anyway. Yeah. I'm the boss, man. Fucking hate you. Right. So enough about Water Noise as about each other. Water noise is about muggles.

Welcome to Muggle Corner. For those of you that don't know, I'm bored of explaining this every fucking week, but here we go. Muggles is a term that we use to describe people. Muggles, just muggly people. People that just... Ah, they're sheep.

They're just sheep. They're nothing. They're pointless. They haven't got any of their own systems and programs. Smuggly people. People that just... Ah, the sheep. They're just sheep. They're nothing. They're pointless. They... They haven't got any of their own systems and programs. They just use the borough systems and programs. Yeah. Plugins.

They're like knock-off toys of people. Like, you know, if you went round to the corner shop, instead of being like a Spider-Man toy, be like, Spider-Toy, these are these people. You know what I think, though? I think there's more muggles than people. Oh, absolutely. I think, like...? I think there's more muggles than people. Oh, absolutely. Trump won proves there are more muggles.

We are so lucky that we are surrounded by, the people we're surrounded by, we're comedians, and not just comedians, but the audiences of comedy are still very underground. They're a very small percentage of the population that come to comedy,

that listen to podcasts. So we've got a fucking audience of people that aren't muggles. We live in a very... We all do muggly things. A very shut-off world. We live in a fucking audience of people that aren't muggles. Yeah, we live in a very... We all do muggly things. A very shut-off world, yeah. Uh-huh. We live in a fucking bubble, man.

Everybody that we come across... Yeah. Everyone listening to this, you are in a bubble. But this is the thing. Everyone is capable of doing muggly things themselves. And our argument is it doesn't make you a muggle. We all do it occasionally. You fuck up.

And we've got to make it clear we don't hate people for being muggles. No, no. We don't hate muggles. There's some fucking really sweet people out there. Really lovely, kind, gentle people that are fucking muggles. Yeah, just plain. So if you are guilty of any of the following things

that we both agree on, you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds like the fucking muggle you are and understand and admit to yourself that that was just a little bit muggly. Should I go first on this one? Yes, mine. So this one,

I was inspired, this happened last night by a non-muggle. Right, but I'm like, oh, I've seen this before, it's very muggly. It's when people think they're above drinking games because they drink anyway. Like, oh, I don't need a drinking game to be able to drink. You're like, oh, if you don't want to,

if you opt out, if you don't want to play a drinking game, it's like game we're going to have a little bit of fun whether it's a card game whether it's a fucking game of sevens and it's just like a blast

you're trying to trip each other up you're having a laugh it's just something like keep the party going a little bit it's a good vibe atmosphere to have

a drinking game if that's not your bag don't play it but don't fucking rise above it like a cunt yeah don't demean it don't be like

oh I'm just oh no I don't drink anyway alright then there's your fucking six shots Enjoy them over the next 30 minutes It's what you would've

Been doing anyway Yeah it's just like It's Because they're like I drink anyway I'm like I also drink During drinking games When it's not a punishment

Like you can still drink Yeah You're just scared You're not allowed To drink I look fucking scared The drinking isn't What the drinking game's about

Really Nah Staying for the For the team building no just a little bit of just morale getting everyone together

you're in a group of like eight or nine people and there's like different conversations sparking out no one's having a big debate and then it draws everyone together

and then he's going to get back on yeah yeah and it's just a quicker way to get the drinking it's a good social vehicle yeah good so it's

if you want to sit on the outside of it and fucking drink at your own pace alright then do it yeah go do it in Michael Corden just on the outside of it And fucking drink at your own pace Alright Then do it Yeah go do it in Michael Corden Just go and do it in the fucking bath

On your own In cold water Yeah and then squeeze out the shit That was nearly a poo That was very dangerous Yeah a little fart I did Poop

Poop means fart in my world I think we've got some listeners from Blythe And they will agree that poop means fart in my world I think we've got some listeners from Blythe and they will agree that poop means fart we had a massive argument this while ago because Kai said I just pooped and I was like that's disgusting and he's like why? you pooped earlier and I'm like no I didn't and then Kai, he was like it's a Geordie thing

it's a Newcastle thing, poop means fart so we went on to Twitter and it turns out that it's not a Newcastle thing, it's not even aly thing it's like my estate yeah your road thing yeah it's just you people that think poop means fart just having a little poop in the bath no that was me i just pooped everyone else you just sound fucking like an old incontinent man yeah just pooping yourself willy nilly i mean my brother used to fight he would pin me down poopoping my face I totally agree So if you Belittle drinking games And you think you're above them

Go drink in the corner Like the sad little muggle you are Just alone With your wine Your spritzer You fucking muggle Right Muggles

Try and fill up the car To a nice round number And get annoyed When it goes over Oh yeah I fucking Oh man I used to do that so much I felt so liberated when i was

just like ah whatever i put 37 pound 92 pence in just like fuck and this is one where i will have none of your excuses like i only had a tenner on me you've got a card you've got a fucking credit card you can tap the card now as well you can tap the card like if like for me money notes i've always got my wallet for when i go to a place that doesn't accept card otherwise i'm paying by card all the fucking time every single petrol there's not a single petrol station on this goddamn planet that does not accept credit card fill up the fucking tank right even look i understand if you've got money problems right and you don't want it you're like oh or you shared a car i only want to fill it up with a tenner and it gets to 10 pounds and you're doing that little squeezing just at the end like trigger

happy and then it goes to 10 pounds and two pence you go oh ah put 20 pound in then oh yeah might as well go hard to go home and then the other ugly thing is to go ah it's my ocd they haven't got an ocd you're just being a dick you don't need to do that You don't need it I do get I do get a little bit Fucked off now When people say When people say I've got OCD Yeah

OCD is a Crippling affliction For a lot of people Like It's It's not as But It gets banded around

It's like me doing something dumb And go I think I'm a little bit Down syndrome No you're not A little bit down syndrome Don't have No fucking

Oh I coughed I'm a little bit Cancer-y today I sat down On a chair too quickly I not a little bit Down syndrome. You don't have no fucking... Oh, I coughed. Oh, I'm a little bit cancer-y today. I sat down on a chair too quickly. I got a little bit raped. No, stop belittling a horrific thing. Like, OCD is... It's not wanting things to look the same.

It's not making sure your pencils are sharpened to the thing. It's not being able to leave the fucking house because you've got to turn on the lights so many times. It's having to wash your hands and boiling water over it because you're terrified. It's not a kooky little thing that you do for the pennies. So a little fact that might not be true, but I'm going to say it confidently.

That it's not a fact. I read it in a book about economy, economics. The reason that anything is 99p like £1.99 is because people that work at the cash register would steal the money steal the money and not run it through the register right so if you put say it's £1.99 in the hand of the £2 the customer has to stand there so you have to ring it through the till to get the penny out the till and hand it to them so the reason that something's 99 isn't a fucking to make you feel you're not that stupid that you're gonna say nine pound 89 go oh that's cheaper than a tenner yeah it doesn't matter like no one's that

dumb it's not for that it's for people putting their hands in the till yeah so why the fuck is petrol one pound 19 a litre like why don't they round that up? Why is that not... Because if they round it up, it costs more. But why is it always the 9? It should be fluid all the way. It's always a 9? It's always 0.9 at the end. Why couldn't it be 0.7 or 0.2 or 0.1? They've kept it as a 9 to make it look cheaper

when that's not the reason that you have a 99. I don't know. I think they've just fucked it. I think it's just a Mistake in the world It's a glitch If any of you muggles Out there know the answer

To that question Please do tweet us Why is petrol Always in nines So you agree If you Try and round up If you try and get

A nice round number Yeah Say if you've got Like a 20 pound note And you're putting it At 20 Because you've got The 20 pound note

There's that little Bucket of change as well The little Take and leave thing Yeah and I bet you End up going in And buying a Cellar fucking Snickers And a packet of if you've got like a 20 pound note and you're putting it at 20 because you've got the 20 pound note there's that little bucket of change as well the little take and leave thing yeah and I bet you end up going in and buying a cello fucking Snickers and a pack of Monster Munch as well

so it's not going to be a round number what are you going to go around the shop and just play fucking play Tetris with I'll tell you what though have you ever have you ever done a big shop and it comes to

I did a big shop once right came to exactly 100 quid and oh mate really I'm talking it was probably like 30 or 40 items

and it was not intentional and it came up 100 and even the cashier was like oh you should get it for free man that was a proper

muggly moment of my life because everyone in the queue me and the we all went oh it was like a life I was I was so excited

there'd be such a not knowing what to say or how to react so you'd just be there Just making noises Man I had a smile on my face For at least an hour Right went out

Put my trolley back in Got my trolley back Double win Yeah So you could have 99 pound It would have been If you got your pound back

Oh It was great Right What's your next one It actually wouldn't have been 99 pound I made a huge mistake In my comment

My next muggle corner is thank you to whoever put this on Twitter I'm sorry I couldn't remember your Twitter handle but it was from a listener that says anybody that announces the Facebook call and tells people that they made the cut oh as if yeah like

have I ever read one of them and thought yay yay I get to see what this muggle's got to say! It's never the interesting people. It's never, like... Yeah. I also do wonder how many times I haven't made the cut, because I would love to just be like...

I haven't even noticed. I've probably been called, and I've literally never noticed. But you would never have seen the film. That's how unimportant... This idea of, like, so guys have only got limited space for friends and it's also like I don't do calls because one thing I do like about Facebook is I do have some friends that hold different uh opinions to me sometimes

I find them interesting so it's nice to hear the other fucking side of the argument I'm not being like oh you you you voted for Brexit so we're not friends anymore and no i mean why did you vote for brexit keep coming because i i mean i was against it i'm interested to find out why get other opinions i am now more aware of like some shit that women go through i've found like girls complaining about stuff that happens to them when they're like this feels threatening and i've been like oh god i've done that to them when they're like, this feels threatening. And I've been like, oh God, I've done that. I didn't realize it was bad until you had it. That's what Facebook is.

Like social media. Get more opinions into your fucking head. When people disagree with you, you have a little cull like Hitler, you fucking prick. I saw a pro-Trump Facebook status today off someone on my friends list who I don't know. Because I just accept everyone. I'm a pro on that thing. And I saw it and what was astonishing about it was the spelling was correct on everything

and I nearly commented on it but I didn't want to be antagonistic or anything but then my instant reaction was to delete the guy but then I thought like I'm just again sealing myself in this little bubble where I'm surrounded by people who are like minded should I protect myself

from that or should I just be more... It's that bit I say on stage, which is the reason why the left are going through a very big period of losing a lot of fucking big battles, is because it's this safe space thing. It's not listening to any outside things. It's not hearing other arguments.

It's getting sensitive when you get into fucking arguments. Listen to fucking other people. Come up with better arguments. See if I get beaten in an argument. I'm fucking livid, right? But you know what it makes me do? It makes me go away and come up with a better goddamn argument.

Strengthen your argument? Straighten my argument. Come back. Like, yeah. What is an argument without opposition? Yeah. It's fucking dictatorship. Nazis.

That's what you want. Right. Those are all... So I sometimes have to call people because I need I've reached the 5000 limit and I have to

like let people in so maybe it's people that were met at the gig what that is people that I hung out with Estonian comics and I want to accept them because I want to stay in touch

and it'll be cool next time I come back but I need to get I need to delete people so I need to have I don't announce the call I don't like oh you made the call

but I go onto the EDL page and find out which of my friends the English Defence League yeah the English Defence League page and find out which of my friends are in the English Defence League

group and I'll just like delete a couple of them because which is exactly what I was saying we shouldn't do but I think that's

that's a little bit different like to like that's a little bit different like to like that's a little bit different because that's like that's like the UKIP

that's the genuinely fucking racist parties that is that is like if you're people who've got to worry about yeah you are

those people are are dumb and they are also doing the same in their own Facebook page they've got their own little right wing Facebook someone's scared I kind of like

I feel bad for them that they feel that way it's got to be exhausting but like I don't think they can be corrected I don't think they can be educated

I think they're I think they're beyond help like yeah they're they're gone but also like they need to have an account like

it shows like a level of doubt that you have in yourself like why not instead of having a fucking call for the people who disagree with you why not instead of belittling all the people that have different opinions like i find it interesting when people share articles that i don't know david longley is a perfect example david longley i probably i disagree with him on a lot of things

but he shares very interesting articles from the other side with valid arguments and very interesting ones sometimes i can't tell if he's being serious or if he's being satirical and joking and be dry because he's got such a dry sense of humor anyway but why not have why not post your arguments instead of being like all trump supporters are fucking idiots everyone voted to leave the eu is a fucking racist piece of shit why not be like oh god look what this has done this is why i voted for this make these people read it and then maybe you'll affect their opinion because i know for a fact i've changed a lot of my thoughts from stuff people have posted on Facebook. And had they gone through, because I disagree with them,

had they fucking had a cull of me, I never would have had those new fucking opinions. You're not trying to change the world. You're doing what the left do. You're hiding yourself in a little bubble. And that's why we're always so shocked when Brexit happens. That's why we're always so shocked when Trump happens. Because we're like, but everyone on Facebook agrees with me.

Those aren't the polls, can't. Yeah. I don't even think I'd be mad if I got called if I saw a friend who I consider to be a close friend was no longer my friend on Facebook. I wouldn't even give a fuck. I'm like, they probably just got bored of us banging on about comedy.

You know, they probably just got bored of it. It doesn't mean we can't get along and have a conversation when we see each other You're just probably fucking sick of This Plug and plug Plug and shit Aye

Yeah So If you If you're colours like Give a fuck If you're a Facebook colour Go do your next Facebook colour In the corner

Go do it in the corner You little fucking muggle Yeah Have a call Do it yourself Do it for your thing People don't even know that What are you trying to achieve

What are you M to achieve muggles muggles buy the VIP seats in cinemas yes because you can sit in them anyway well one you can

sit in them anyway and two it's a fucking big ass screen like what are you doing there's not much difference in the

comfort there's not much difference the exception will be like those really cool cinemas where it's like sofas and stuff

and they bring you food those ones you're not a muggle I love those I went to see Fast and the Furious 7 in Australia with Ronnie Cheng and it was one

of those fucking cinemas where me and Ronnie Cheng on a fucking couch while they brought us out gin and tonics and ciders they made us a fucking pizza

halfway through Ronnie is just sitting there eating a fucking curry I'm like this is the tits that VIP experience is cool. No muggle for you. I'm talking normal Odeon view. Premier seats.

Premier seats. What do they cost? An extra quid? Like an extra three quid or something because they're a bit leathery. Oh, man, it's the same muggle as that by the upgraded business class on like a fucking Air Estonia or something like that. You know the one where there's just like, I don't know,'s got like a headrest that's his first class and the seat's exactly the same and there's no difference in the leg room hold on while we're on this cody i know

you're listening and i know you're guilty of that get in the fucking corner cody gets the pointless business cody cody doesn't pay for it because he's got so many air miles he does some because the thing but surely you'd save them air miles until you could get a fucking bed on a long-haul flight. No, no, no. He's a gold member, so he naturally just gets those seats anyway. Gold member. I think he's platinum now.

But the good thing about going to an airport with Cody, I've done it when we went to New Zealand, going through an airport with a platinum member, fuck me, it's like being VIP. You get a different queue for the security. Oh, mate. So that seat's not about the seat? Nah. Oh, man. you get a different queue for the security like oh mate oh so that seat's not about the seat

nah oh now it makes sense now I'm jealous of those there is a separate queue for security for security I didn't even know

this was a thing no with experts how do you find it you gotta earn it that's why you gotta collect air miles man man are we collecting air miles I don't know

I don't think we are what the fuck are we doing I don't know do you know how often we go to Australia and we've not been collecting those air miles I go to America know I don't think we are What the fuck are we doing? I don't know Do you know how often We go to Australia And we've not been Connecting those air miles I go to America

Does Malina date I signed up for all of the things I think so Maybe she does Does she run them through Because I haven't run them through I don't know Maybe you can back date them

Maybe I don't know Malina If you're listening Will you get that done now? Stop what you're doing You're getting me air miles Oh man Going through with Cody

You also get into like You know how we You know how I've got That little business lounge card That I have to pay for Oh I do love that Home over as fuck His one's better If also get into you know how I've got that little business lounge card that I have to pay for I do love that I'm over as fuck his one's better

if you get into the virgin lounge oh fuck me wristies for days honestly well no it was a joke I'm glad you cleared that up just going into

virgin lounge with your fucking cock your little sad cock I did a Dubai trip with Gina Yashere and we were getting on the flight to Dubai and we're looking left at the business lounge.

And she said she'd done the same gig a number of years back with Michael McIntyre. And he looked and just went, one day I'd just love to turn left. And then turned right and went into the economy. And obviously fucking he turns left everywhere he goes now. But for the whole trip we kept referring to things as turning left. So if you go, I'll have a gin and tonic please and they were like do you want a single or a double we'd go do you want a turn left, we'll have a double

so when we went up the Burj Khalifa it was an extra bit of money to go to the extra top floor, so if you're going to go to the top of the tallest building in the world, you want to go up that last elevator but it was a little bit more expensive hey baby, we've been having sex in the vagina for a while you want to go left?

spread them cheeks so yeah I like referring to things like I'll just turn and left I'll turn left so we turn left in the business lounge yeah

but if you that's that's yeah that's different because that's like you've earned the thing but VIP in the cinema you didn't earn those seats

you paid extra for them to like sit in the middle what you think the sound's better there you think everyone else can't hear the fucking movie can't see it as well sat there one row behind you one row behind you paying three quid less i'm seeing over the top of your head i can see the same fucking movie you think you look like a baller right so i don't know maybe maybe they are i don't think they're more comfortable because i steal them all the time i just go and

sit on them who sits in you know if the cinema is not that busy who like finds their seat they do come in at the start so you've got to wait until five minutes into the movie before you can switch over I must have took one look

at this and thought I'll not bother causing any trouble I don't want to get a spike and kicked in the chest I don't know if this is one this is maybe

clutching at straws for one but you know when people hold up an L with their finger to work out which way is left do they fucking know where left is and they're just being kooky?

They're just going... If it is... No, both reasons. If they're doing it because they're kooky, muggle. If you... I hate kooky people. Like, I think the worst thing to happen to my generation was Phoebe Buffay in Friends, which made being ignorant, being stupid, being dumb, ignoring logic, being quirky.

Being quirky is the worst thing to be. Fuck you. Be normal. Be rational. And if you're doing that, you're a muggle. If you're quirky, you're a muggle. You're an absolute muggle because you've had to add fake personalities onto yourself

because you're lacking such a one-in-one. Which way is left? Yeah, you're kind of bragging that you don't know which way left is. As if that's like, oh, look at you, you don't know left. You're a wacky cat. If there's something in your brain, like some sort of dyslexia,

that means you don't know left and you need to do that. Fucking just have a little subtle look at your hand. Different, like, hold it out in front of you and then, like, gesture and get everyone's attention to see that you... Because, well, how do you not know what the left hemisphere... There's only two directions. How do you not know what the left hemisphere of your body is? You know your left ear? That's left?

Yeah, that's it. Your left hand? I'm left-handed. I write with my left hand. That's what left is? I've never seen someone do it, but yeah, it's absolute. I hate people. Proud of being stupid for dumb things.

Like, I say I'm dumb as fuck, as we've discussed. There's a lot of stupid things we do. And we'll have a laugh about them But we're not laughing out of pride We're laughing a little bit out of shame And being like oh god how stupid we are sometimes I'm not like oh man I can't even name all the countries in Europe

I'm embarrassed by that I travel to them It's not good to be stupid It's not being proud It's so basic Stupidity being celebrated is a real thing isn't it people like being ignorant

Trump you know like if say you put a put a picture of someone up I think you put the picture of Conor McGregor up you and Conor McGregor

and you were getting a lot of attention off people because you were with Conor McGregor and then a comedian friend of ours come on and went

I don't even know who that is why comment why do you comment that like if you don't know who it is like don't fucking celebrate your ignorance.

That might not be your thing, so just move on. It's like people who are like, oh, I don't watch TV. Oh, cool. Oh, you're cool. What are you talking about, you fucking nerd?

It doesn't make you cool not to. What was your thing earlier about not joining in drinking games? If you don't do something and you don't understand something, that's absolutely fine. Do not elevate yourself above people that do that fucking thing, said the two people doing Muggle Corner. Yeah, one thing I want to make really clear as well, if we have just rinsed you,

if you do any of the things that we've said, we've just rinsed you, give a fuck. Why? We're not as passionate as we're talking. It's all an act. We do this in the bed while snuggling anyway. Muggling. Muggle. Smuggling.. Right, my final one. Smuggling. Smuggle,

snuggles, muggins. Good one. Thank you. That was a real good one. Nice soundbite. That'll be people's text alert. Muggle,

snuggles, muggins. It's really hard to say. Say it. Muggle, snuggles, muggins. Oh,

man. Piece of piss. Rolls off the tongue. Loose lips. Muggles with muggins. It's really hard to say. Say it. Muggle snuggles with muggins. Oh, man. Piece of piss. Rolls off the tongue. Loose lips. Muggles name their kids after themselves. Oh, all Daves do that. Daves call a kid Dave. Dave's not a name for a baby.

Imagine it. I've always... Like, a baby Dave. You can't call a baby Dave. David. It's David for a while, isn't it? Who looks at a baby, an adorable baby and goes

Dave this is a Dave I feel free we've got to be called Barry who's a baby Barry Barry

Barry he's going to be a bloke is Barry sure for anything Barry Tholomew no it's Barry Taffer

Barry Taffer no so I bet baby Barry I bet me Brian Barry's crying because he wants some sweets Colin you can't play out

you're not going to you're not going to play out Colin the street lights are on sorry Margaret always gets like this when she needs breastfed fucking B

it's your turn to bath Keith always gets like this when she needs breastfed. Fucking B. It's your turn to bath, Keith. Man, Sam, do you reckon those names you just get when you're like 18, there's... I've never met a baby Dave. A baby Dave. Because they're getting called David though, that's the thing. They're getting called David as a baby.

Baby David. I'm going to see if I ever meet a baby called Darren. I'm just going to call it Daz. Baby Dazza. Dazza. Mad Darren. Mad Darren shits his cell all the time. He's fucking built a Daz, man.

You should see him on a session. Spews on his mam. Spews on the mam in a session. This guy's a fucking legend, man. Dazza. I should carry him home. He's up out there crying. A fucking legend.

Fucking cut rush. Right, so let's go through all those things again. So, get in the corner for 30 seconds each for these things that you're guilty of. If you try and fill up the car with petrol to a nice round corner you are a muggle get in the corner if you buy vips vip seats to the cinema you sir or my lady or one of the other ones you are a muggle uh if you name your kid after yourself you and your baby go sit in the corner and you explain to your kids why you're a muggle and why they're doomed to be a muggle

because they're being raised by a muggle and also what were your three ones I don't people that rise above drinking games muggles

if you announce a Facebook call you are a muggle and if you make an L with your hand and make a real point of not knowing what left is I think the main point

of that is if you celebrate your ignorance or dumbness. It's cool to be ignorant. It's cool to be dumb. I'm dumb as fuck. I'm not proud.

He's not cool. Right, final game. Your dad jokes. I'll go first. Your dad hides behind the curtains with his feet

sticking out during hide and seek. Can you hear him giggling I always pretend Not to know where he is For a little while Ah he's just to make him feel better And just to get some peace Your dad voted Trump

Your dad peaks during Heads down thumbs up What is that You never played Heads down thumbs up I mean I'm gonna Mate What is it

Never played it in primary school Heads down thumbs up That's the way we like to focus Heads down thumbs up it? Never played it in primary school. Heads down, thumbs up. Yeah, so what do you do? That's the way we like to focus. Heads down, thumbs up. We used to play it in primary school all the time. So everyone, you get like, two people go up to the blackboard, or the whiteboard, hashtag Trump's America, and everyone else puts their head down on the table, and you put your thumbs up, heads where the game's called, heads down heads down thumbs up and then the two people they go

push down one person's thumb and oh no so I think it's like three or four people go and you have to guess

who when they go back to the board who was it that pushed your thumb down and if they if you get it right you get to be one of the thumb pushers

well I don't understand how that game works so I don't know if the listeners will if they've never played it it's proper to all the scholars listening I know you fucking played that game so So I don't know If the listeners will If they've never played it To all the Scots listening I know you fucking Played that game

So we can't just play It just us Nah So we'll get up On some doors In the hotel Get everyone round I'll explain boys

There's a reason I brought you here Next one Your dad voted Brexit The background Of your dad's phone Is your mum In a Sunderland top

Well your dad's phone is your mum in a Sunderland top Well your dad's a Tory I beat your dad at chess once And he took his ball home Your dad voted no I'm just character assassinating him He's political beliefs He's furious I'm not He didinating him He's political beliefs He's a hunk He's furious I'm not

All the things I've said about him He did vote no though Did he? Aye Aye yeah Is that what I meant? Yes I meant to say yes didn't I?

There's no remain Yeah no No remain aye Ah yeah I think I meant it But yes Your dad tries to make snow angels in puddles It's the neighbour's dog. Your dad blows raspberries on his own belly.

He got his ribs removed so he could do it. Kissed his neck as well. Jaw removed. Your dad kicked the cat when your mum didn't cut the crust off his toast. Well, she's got a line.

Your dad went on a booze cruise on his own. Your dad kicked the cat when your mum didn't cut the crust off her fanny. Linda. Your dad got caught having a strangle wank

and his neighbour skipped. Your dad takes a rubber duck into the shower. Your dad still hasn't passed his driving test. Your dad uncorks wine by sucking the top of the bottle. Legend.

Be fucking gloved on the gay scene, that guy. Your dad drives a moped with all plates on on his provisional license your dad wears a shirt in the bath because he's embarrassed

about his moobs your dad declared himself bankrupt because of his little woods catalogue bill that brings us to the end oh man if we'd ended it there I know we were talking about if we'd ended it right there

then that joke that would have been bang on an hour bang on an hour bang on an hour no seconds sorry guys we've got to go stand in the corner

because we're upset about that yep this bit's fucking spoiled so yeah go back into the world into Trump's America alright go back we are on tour you fucking sluts why not come see us yeah sure plug my shit Spoiled it So yeah Go back into the world Into Trump's America Go back We are on tour

You fucking sluts Why not come see us Yeah She'll plug my shit Today's Wednesday This comes out On Thursday

The 10th of November Where we will be in Kaunas, Lithuania And then on the 11th of November We will be in Vilnius, Lithuania With the wonderful Paulius

Who's a fucking great guy and also asked what size t-shirts we wear so I don't know what that is

getting some Sunderland tops in oh my god so I told him I was medium and I told him you were an XXS

with an XXL neck I thought I put my dick there create a little Willy warmer so yeah the Lithuanian is almost sold out Please come along to that

And then our last of the European tour Helsinki, Finland Nope, the 12th of November Helsinki, Finland I think, believe, is almost sold out Come along to that one And then we'll be back in the UK But we will probably have to record the podcast

on in Helsinki because we we part each other's ways on we do on Sunday I'm leaving you

is this it I'm walking away is this it oh by the way guys tear your hearts open and bleed us a river because

we're gonna miss the Conor McGregor fight because we're in the air when Conor McGregor we can talk about this we can talk about this on Saturday when we're sad. If you enjoy the podcast, give us positive feedback on all that fucking shit. We do appreciate your comments online, by the way,

because some of them were good from Muggle Corner. It's just nice to be pat on the back every now and again. Yeah, because we're coming up with Muggle Corners quite often. The well is still pretty deep, I feel. But it is really good to have you guys chip in and tell us what you think is Mugly. Yeah, and we'll debate it. We will debate whether it's Mugly or not. So please keep listening.

Share the podcast. Get your friends to listen. We're enjoying it still. So we'll keep it up as long as you fucking Muggles keep on listening. As well, the ratings. The woman who gave us a one- star rating changed it to a five star and put on a little edit note

saying I heard Kai was whinging like a bitch about the rating you got fucking marked so I've changed it but just know in my heart

it's a one she fucking rinsed this love that woman oh you got wrecked right talk to you later you sexy pieces of shit