Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.13 Your dad wears crocs mate!

Episode Date: November 14, 2016

Last day of the European tour before returning to the UK the lads raise a glass to a fantastic 3 weeks. Muggins tells some more childhood stories from his time in the ghetto while Cream was spanking around Florida with his dad with their crocs on like a pair of muggles!

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

I can just never tell if it's like... Well, that's one way to start. Cheers, Cream. Cheers. We have chink. We've got what? Oh, let's not. Come on now.

We'll just clink our glasses because we have finished the European leg of the tour. And I'm very proud of this. We've finished with the finish. Oh, God. We're in Finland, we're in Helsinki. I mean, it's an awful joke. It's so apt.

No, it's not a joke. It's a fact. We finished with the finish. And we started in pole position. Because we were in Poland. I mean, people go, how do you stay funny For the whole tour As you can see

We clearly don't We go insane Not even drunk right now I've got a glass of wine though Aye We've earned We've earned it It's always

Wine o'clock Somewhere That's something Muggles say Wine o'clock Yeah And my mum is Mum I know you're listening Go drink wine in the corner

You know that's Muggly I bet your mum Has got You can't bet my mum She's not your you're listening go drink wine in the corner you know that's muggly I bet your mum has got you can't bet my mum she's not your property no no I bet I raise you I raise you

right I bet you I bet your mum and I raise an eyebrow so I'm gonna bet that your mum has somewhere got like a mantra in the kitchen

that says something along the lines of I cook with wine fucking oh yeah I cook with wine sometimes I even put it in the food that says something along the lines of I cook with wine fucking oh yeah I cook with wine sometimes I even put it in the food

yeah yeah yeah she absolutely will have that but I will offer her the defence of that will have been bought for her aye

so what like buy me a pair of crocs I'm not fucking wearing them if I buy you crocs you're fucking wearing them mate it's a gift if I buy you crocs

you're absolutely wearing crocs slapping you right across the mouth with them nah you're wearing them fucking knock your a gift if I buy you crocs you're absolutely wearing crocs slapping you right across the mouth with them nah you're wearing them fucking knock your

teeth out with them nah fucking croc their shit have you ever worn crocs they call it a croc of shit

have you ever worn crocs nah surprisingly comfortable it's dead gilly so I was in Disney you wore crocs

yeah because I was in Disney oh don't worry the story's got a cool start so I was in Disney World with my family 50 year old like dad trying to cool start So it's in Disney World With my family

50 year old Like dad trying to be cool Yeah It was in Disney World And This was years ago So like basically Four years after I got into

Comedy Because my parents had Like just Looked after me that whole time Let me stay with them Buy them all the gigs My parents funded my first Fringe show and stuff

When I came into a bit of money I'd always promised that I'd take my whole family Out to Disney So that was like the first step so i got to pay uh a lot of it take everyone out there and my dad was wearing crocs and i was just giving him such a hard time but the thing is my dad why is your dad wearing crocs because like here's my argument about my dad my dad is your dad was great dad wore crocs we're not even even playing your dad game? My dad My dad wears slippers and stuff because my dad's

my dad's Does he wear Crocs with his double denim? Probably because the thing is my dad just doesn't give a shit like about what people

You can tell? Yeah doesn't give a shit he's like anyone that's like oh you're wearing Crocs he's like yeah but I'm

every time I go you're wearing Crocs I'm like yeah but I fuck your mum Now hold on hold on I get it if you go oh you're wearing Crocs. I'm like, yeah, but I fuck your mum. Now, hold on. Hold on. I get it if you go,

oh, you're wearing big fucking caterpillar boots. You're like, yeah, but they've got practical use. I don't give a fuck that I look like I'm going to work with my steel toe caps on. They've got practical use. There's no practical use to Crocs. There is. So you clearly give a fuck about what people think of people in Crocs on.

Because you're making a statement by wearing Crocs. No, because my dad didn't even know. No, no, because my dad didn't even know No no Because my dad Didn't even know They were Crocs My mum bought them for him That's how my dad works Whatever clothes he gets bought

He wears Like that's But even if they're Crocs Yeah So he puts them on And he just Bought him a tutu And he just goes

Alright You're coming in for this You've only been You've been You've been persuaded By the media To hate Crocs No I've got it

I mean I can make My own fucking mind up About the Crocs Mate I've seen your fashion forgot I can make my own fucking mind up about the what that crocs mate I've seen your fashion no you absolutely don't I've barely got fashion I wear a fucking

pair of Converse and plain jeans and pretty plain t-shirts which your girlfriend decided on all those things your girlfriend decided on them she made you a shop and went with you

specifically nah nah nah you want to get into this game there was one time that you were trusted I used to wear baggy clothes because I didn't want to show off my muscles.

And she was like, no, you want to wear some tighter stuff? Just show off what you've got. She's a guy out there, she'll strip your stuff, put yourself on display. You know what it is? She's just marketing us. She's putting us out there. Man, I was just wanting to be Demuah. Sounds like she's trying to get fucking rid of you, mate. I just wanted to be Demuah. I wanted to hide it all and be...

The one time that you went out and bought yourself... A red jacket with blue sleeves. You bought yourself something without Natalie's permission, right? Because I like your fashion. I do. Permission. Yeah. Give me permission.

Absolutely. Because she went out and she changed all your clothes. And then one day you were like, you came in wearing a fucking sweater. And I went, I remember the shirt. It said Holly... Oh, I was fucking you came in wearing a fucking sweater. And I went, I remember the shirt. It said Holly. Oh, I was fucking, I was on a comedown. I took pills at an electric picnic. Mate, I'd been on fucking pills all night, right?

Fucking woke up, had a gig to do. Didn't have any clean clothes. Just the fucking stuff I'd slummed in and the thing. Walked into H&M, bought a sweater that said Holly what? Instead of Hollywood on the front, right? I wore it once, went straight in the bin. Yeah front right I walked once went straight in the bin yeah and the reason I went straight in the bin

was because you came in and I went who the fuck let you buy that and the first thing Natalie didn't like it Natalie didn't like it and she made that clear

but so did everybody I bumped into what did it even mean Holly what that was the problem you know what I thought it meant like holy what

you can't spell holy what no but anyway to get back the reason my dad was wearing a coat bought for him like he was just walking around and I was the same I'm like you're a fucking mug those are stupid And you can't spill Holy what? No but anyway To get back The reason my dad Was wearing coat Bought for him Like he was just

Walking around And I was the same I'm like you're a fucking mug Those are stupid But all I've got Are either sandals Like fucking flip flops That keep coming off

Like on all the rides and stuff And I've got my shoes But it's fucking roasting in Florida And my mum was like Look just buy some Crocs Right just wear them around They'll be comfy And I won't tell anyone

Are they comfy? Are they even sweat? It's plastic? Mate no no no It's like a magical type And I told Mate Don't worry

Feel free to take the piss Because I'm about to give you Infinite more ammo For the piss take That I'm about to receive Okay So I put them on And I'm devastated by this

Comfy as fuck Like they stay on They fit I'm walking around It's like walking on clouds A little bit Right They can get wet

But it doesn't matter Because it all fucking plays out Because it's all plastic So you can go on all the log films and all the rides it's perfect for disney everything falls off you can go and pulls them it's fine this is what it gets lame because they got little holes in them like all the way through the top in disney you can buy and win little uh badges that fit the holes and you can decorate your crocs with all the like a fucking goth like a goth muggle

me and my dad were in a competition for all of Disney trying to win one to different games oh I couldn't imagine

me and Kev fucking stooping them absolute depths of despair with your fucking Croc badges fucking Disneyland

me and me and Martin you got a pub with pint for a pint we badges fucking Disneyland me and Martin you got a pub with a pint for a pint we had pub nah me and Martin representing tell you what though

you've been to Disney haven't you yeah I have when I go on tell your story because I didn't even mean to set this up but I do know

where you're going I don't know if you know where I'm going actually why are you at Disney we're looking for the little mermaid ride because we heard it was good no you didn't what from a if you know where I'm going actually. Why are you at the Disney? We're looking for the Little Mermaid ride. Because we heard it was good.

No you didn't. What, from a seven year old? It was one of the ones we hadn't done. We're going for the Little Mermaid ride. And then we asked directions of a member of staff

and he was like, wait till you see Ariel hobba hobba. And it was a legit hobba hobba. It wasn't like hobba hobba I'm being ironic. Like this American dude meant hobba hubba It wasn't like It wasn't like Hubba hubba I'm being ironic

Like this American dude Meant hubba hubba You know what else I've heard sincerely as well In New York Someone say capiche In like real terms Oh yeah that's fine

Yeah Capiche Yeah but that's Italian though Oh man that's amazing My one in New York That blew my mind And I was like There's no way that just happened

I was in New York Someone walked across the road Cars getting to a halt And the guy I'm shitting you know Went hey That's amazing. My one in New York that blew my mind, and I was like, there's no way that just happened. I was in New York. Someone walked across the road. Car's getting to a halt. And the guy, I'm shitting you know, went, Hey, I'm walking here. I was like, no way. Nobody actually says that.

Yeah, exactly. When you say like a hubba hubba, a capiche, I'm walking here. Another one would be sacre bleu. If you saw a French person go sacre bleu, you're like, oh, I've got that on me. Or an oulala. Apparently, oulala and sacre bleu are probably not French at all. I dated a French person go Sacrebleu You're like Oh I've got that on me Oh and Oulala Apparently Apparently Oulala and Sacrebleu Are probably not French at all

I dated a French chick for a while Very good fan And I just kept on saying Sacrebleu And she was like I don't even know where you think That's come from Sac is blue No it's

It's sacred blue Sacred blue Because France's colours are blue So it's like Sacrebleu But it's like It's like when you're mad at something When I went to Florida

why did you go to Disney? I went on a little man date and you didn't have a crock off? I didn't have a crock off but I went to fuck I didn't actually go to Little Mermaid I just asked directions for it at one point it was too far away bye

bits and bobs it's a small world stuff to do people listening can I see a man about a dog well who knows so

my mate Carl actually he bought a holiday to Florida for him and his girlfriend to go on her birthday and he just told her

to keep the time off didn't tell her where she was going or anything and then Carl's brother Lee one of my best mates Rouge

rang us up went Kai can you get to Florida on Friday like Wednesday I was like dude I've got like

fucking I've got tons of work I haven't got any money I'm fucking he's like it's a freeholder Carl needs someone to go with

his fucking girlfriend dumped him she's been having an affair with a boss. She went to fund it. She was going to Florida. She was like, I can't get on with you.

I've been fucking cheating on you the whole while. I was like, oh, the poor cunt. I was like, nah, there's no way I can go to Florida. Like, fucking two days time. Are you kidding us? What was that? Like 19, 20 maybe. I went back to sleep.

And then I woke up like, the fucking day. That's a free trip to Florida. I rang everybody I knew. And I was like, can I borrow 100 quid? I think I was to borrow 100 quid off of fucking 10 people. They gave me spending money. Just phoning me again. What's it for?

It's for a crock badge. I just went on a proper date with my pal. To fucking Disneyland. Just me and Carl. It was a fucking beller. We met these two girls. We met them on the Men in Black raid. Oh, the shooty one.

The shooty one, because it's four in a fucking cart, isn't it? So they come in worse. We're fucking dominated. Shut the shit out of some aliens. You're trying to make this, this is what I love about you, is because you tell so many sad stories,

but you just have this weird... Fucking sad story? I was in Florida shooting the shit out of loads of bitches. Fucking take this away from me. It's my hair day. I'm talking about the glory days here. I remember back in my day, me and your Uncle Carl got 200,000 points on the Men in Black, right? So they were at the UCL UCL Florida campus anyway University of Florida

and they wanted to meet us afterwards so they were going back and we were going back to International Drive where I was staying and then we arranged to meet them

at this cocktail bar at a specific time and we called a taxi and this limo pulled up and the dude went I've been driving the limo I've got to go all the way back

to where you're headed to pick up the taxi and then come back to get you so do you mind just been driving the limo I've got to go all the way back to where you're headed to pick up the taxi and then come back to get you so do you mind just getting in the limo and they were like and you

the same guy that turned down Florida was like no we'll wait for the taxi when he's halfway down the road it's like the end of Dumb and Dumber

and you're like do you realise what we've just done but man have you seen pictures of me when I was like 19, 20 years old you were an absolutely

disgusting teenager I had like ginger hair but I bleached it but you could still tell I was ginger there was no disguise in it I just looked like I was trying to hide

so right and Carl is ginger as fuck like Carl is like ginger whites of his eyes are ginger he's so ginger he gets his own parking space

like that's what ginger is people are looking to see him get out the car on the disabled base let him get on

with it the sun will burn him if he goes too far his lactose intolerance still stinks of milk but by the way pound for pound

the hardest man I've ever met he's a lightweight kid you must weigh about Fucking nine stone Wet through But I would not

Fight the little cunt He's vicious He is You've told me He bit my belly once In a fight He bit Well after blowing

Raspberries on it Nah he's fighting with me He bit me belly Made up and went swimming There's a lot of Carl stories So Kyle's childhood stories Are all about fights he was in Or fights he was nearly in

Or when he got his head kicked in Or when he kicked someone's head in Fucking mean streets man Calvary Muggins went off on mean mugging We'll get on to this in a second Just please tell the story about the raspberry Right So I got chased one time right

I was coming back home from school and I used to walk the same way I don't know I know this story and I will try to share it

but only because I really wanted to say it because to me I love these stories about your childhood because it's so different to my

upbringing and my experience as a child and I feel like for a lot of people the podcast also won't have had that experience and I'm going to a lot of people in the podcast also won't have had that experience

and they'll be I'm going to raise all the questions that normal people would ask so why are you being chased home you know like

in Blive when you were a kid some people are after you it's just how it is some people are after you why because you looked at someone funny

or you nicked someone's pugs or like whatever you just like put chewing gum on the hair or whatever. There's rivalries. Sometimes it's just territorial as well.

I know there was just across Ford Drive, there was a group of kids that played there. Kids on turf. What? No, but that's like the streets that you play out on. But then when you get older, there's not much to do in Blythe, so you just hang around the streets and you just drink on the streets and then as you get older and more testosterone

you get a little bit more like bumping heads you know so how old were you then? this wasn't that old but I was still like let's say I was 13 so I'm 13 right

I'm walking home from school and there's this fucking kid that's after us I think I batted his cousin we had this it we had this like we had this thing where like i got into a fight and then it escalated and loads of other people ended up it doesn't matter so anyway this kid's chasing us and i was pretty quick as a kid

i was swift so he used to be chased honestly man i fucking knew all the shortcuts i could climb a wall that you've never seen i was like parkour right so fucking just ducked over a couple ducked over a couple of walls and jumped over jumped under a couple of so mate

I fucking come in the top end of the street to the opposite end of my street to where my school is because I've just ran around the whole of fucking Blythe right and I'm fucking

gassing out of my arse sweating like you wouldn't believe and I just come down and there's me buddy Rouge at the front door of his house two doors down from me right there's only one house I'm fucking gassing out of my arse, sweating like you wouldn't believe. I just come down. There's my buddy, Rouge, at the front door of his house, two doors down from me. There's only one house between mine and his.

He was just looking at us, coming in the street, and he's just looking at us with a little smirk on his face. I'm fucking sweating. I've got the fear of God in us. I'm ready for war. Rouge just looked at us and went, and blew a raspberry. But then said, raspberry!

And knocked him the fuck out, man. I fucking punched him right in the dish. Me and Lee are fucking best mates from, like, Bourne, right? But we used to fight like cat and dog, and he'd give me a couple of chin-ins, I'd give him a couple of chin-ins we used to just sharpen each other's tools

so you knocked him out because he blew a raspberry I just fucking went in just fucking hit him with a left and then went back in the house fucking we just didn't know

what was going on he's just 14 year old he's made it I kind of said raspberry dish right so fucking

felt bad on I didn't feel bad at the time I was still hyped right so I get in and I didn't feel bad at the time I was still hyped right so I get in and eh I just see fucking Carl's little head

little ginger head little ginger fucking melon I love these lads so dearly right I just saw his heat little ginger heat

bobbing across the window in the front room doof doof doof doof doof doof fucking knocked at the door I was like oh fucking

Carl's full of hell because I just punched Rouge in the face for no reason aye so I just opened the door. I was like, oh, fucking Carl's full of hell because I just punched Rouge in the face. For no reason? Aye. So I just opened the door and punched him.

I didn't even let him get away, dude. I knew who he was there for. He's coming to dig us in because I just knocked his brother on the door. Like he should. Double down. I just doubled down.

I fucking bopped him on the nose now then we met friends went on a bike ride that's how we lived that's how we lived back then so fucking I rouged rangers

to see if I'd get on hold of a call I had a little nap on it decided 100% I would so now I'm on international drive right waiting for this limo getting this limo

me and fucking Carl just two ginger little fucking Kevin and Perry looking motherfuckers just getting the limo me and fucking Carl just two ginger little fucking Kevin and Perry looking motherfuckers just getting the limo going to have cocktails with the birds

could we fuck seal the deal even with a limo no game having motherfuckers we're in Florida in a limo and they're still like went to a party right

that was like I was 21 because you could drink I could get the drinks and Carl couldn't so Carl must have been is Carl a lot younger than you

a lot younger than me aye is Rouge the big brother Rouge is the older brother so he's like was he like a year between me and Rouge wait so Rouge got his

little brother to come beat you up man have you met Carl Christie I have he's terrifying yeah I have I had one time

when Lee and Carl were living two doors down when his dad had moved out and Lee owned the house right and Kelly lived there and Carl was

Kelly's ex-wife his ex-girlfriend and Kelly just come and hammered on me door and went Kai come and help Lee and Carl

having a fight which was hysterical right this must have been I'm going to say they were like 23 and 25 right

so Rouge the friend in Carl Rouge the guy you punched they're both like two of my dearest friends so Rouge is the

older brother and he's like fucking old school best mate you know like we're like something off the Goonies

we'd have like a secret handshake and shit skin it and he would like rub his skin on me hands if I ever fell out he'd hand his hand out and shit skin it and he would like rub his skin on my hands if I ever fell out

he'd hand his hand out and go skin it and like now I'm fucking you dick you puff up bit me belly skin it

and then I'd just wipe my hand across the top of his that was my little fucking secret handshake pair of legends so where was I

so Kelly hammers on the door this is in the fucking darker night as well like me mum and dad got out of bed to see what was going on I was just still the door this is in the fucking dark of night as well like me mum and dad got out of bed to see what was going on I was just still up

probably about to watch the free view and em I just whacked out of the road and the door was open went in and the fucking

living room was upside down man the table was on its side the fucking cabinets were smashed they'd been kicking living shit out of each other right

and er Carl was pinned down on his back by Lee, who's the bigger dude out of the two of them, right? And Lee had a knee on each shoulder and had him pinned down, right? Lee was terrified, and Carl looked so disfucked.

So Carl's the one that's pinned down, right? And he's just staring at Lee, like fucking evil eyes. Staring through his soul. And Rouge just looked at me and went, Guy, he's gonna kill us Carl's a fucking Tasmanian devil man

So I just started I started stroking Carl's face Oh like that's gonna Calm him down This is like after This is like after

We'd been to Florida We were adults at this point I would stroke his face I was like How are you dude man I love you both Don't do this to each other You're fucking Eating each other's lives I love you to both don't do this to each other you're fucking eating

each other alive I love you to translate don't do this to each other I love you both calm down he just looked at me and went stop touching my face

you puff a little bit casual homophobia the best of family feud ended the fight did absolutely ended the fight oh we've got 20 minutes

I'm going to just did I tell you the greatest Florida story I've ever heard after I was in New York last year? I can't remember if I've told it on the podcast. The greatest Florida story? Yeah, the guy who had a younger brother who had cerebral palsy. Have I told this on the podcast? I don't think so. Go for it.

So I'm doing the stuff. My show last year was about my sister, Josie, who had cerebral palsy, who died when I was't think so, go for it. So I'm doing the stuff, my show last year is about my sister Josie who had cerebral palsy who died when I was nine years old, right? And the thing I'm really enjoying about the show

is after every show, most shows, I get people who, I get parents of people with disabilities, I get people with disabilities or someone I know and each one of them

are just sort of thanking me just because I spoke about it honestly and stuff and they're like, everything you said we can absolutely

fucking relate to so after the show in New York this guy and his dad come up the kid must be about 19 and his dad's like my youngest 17 he's got cerebral palsy and so he's like I love the show

and the brother's like yeah it was really fucking funny we can fully relate to it do you want another story and I'm like sure normally when fans say do you want another story it's a shit story but you just listen to be nice yeah because what happens is you go like oh I'm a professional storyteller I'm really good at this and you feel like you're gonna have to save their story oh right this guy needed no help yeah so um he's he's like what would you say was your favourite thing About having a disabled sibling When she was alive

And it's a weird question because you always assume That disability is always sadness And whatever But there are some huge advantages to it Just from the inside thing Because I'd never spoken to someone with Disabled siblings before I didn't know if I could be honest about it

I didn't know if my honesty was normal or whether I was cruel. But just, I was like, theme parks. Because if you've got a disabled sibling, front of the line at all the fucking... Oh shit, can you slipstream behind them? Can you get there as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we're part of the family.

So whenever me and Josie were down at Alton Towers... Dude, monetise that shit. Why didn't you just make friends with another family and just go, fucking look, there's 50 bucks each. You can come with us. Man, straight all the with us. Man, straight all the way through, like when we were done,

because Josie had this, honestly, this laugh and this infectious smile, we get to the front of the fucking rollercoaster, right, front row. I got that with Carl, because he's that ginger.

We go around the ride once, the guy running the ride sees how much Josie's laughing and just puts it around three or four more times, three rides, all the fucking shit. So the guy's like, so I went, theme parks, and the guy running the ride sees how much Josie's laughing and just puts it around three or four more times, free rides, all the fucking shit, so the guy's like so I went, theme parks, and the guy goes fucking theme parks, and I'm like oh my god I didn't know this was relatable

and he's like we did it in Disney if you've done it in Disney, I was like no, we never got to go to Disney with Josie, he was like oh man in Disney, they'd love a disabled person, right, they can't go far we met all the characters All these free fucking stuff It's the most magical kingdom on earth

There's a happy place on earth They go well and above their call of duty So he's telling me about how great it is Same thing, front and rights, free pictures I guess it's about midday They've been there since 9am It's a hot day, it's Florida The guy's about 11 His brother was about nine so brother about

midday gets tired get so his mom goes i don't want to stop you guys going on all the rides so me and your younger brother will just lay on the grass i'll let him sleep and i'll just chill here in sunbathe and you two can go on all the rides to him instead and i was like yeah okay and he goes well like we'd become accustomed to not waiting in lines and stuff and I'm like yeah I can understand that like you've lived the good life why would you want to live you don't want to see where the grass is greener on the other side in that

situation what did you do and he goes what do you think we fucking did I'm like there's no way and he goes well yeah brother's on the grass he doesn't need the wheelchair so and I'm like man this gets so much so again with the story i'm unaware morally about where the story lies all i know is it's victimless so therefore it's an absolutely fine fucking story so he's like i'm like what happened he goes well and the dad chimes in and goes well originally we were gonna make it me but then we realized how weird it is

to have an 11 year old pushing around his disabled dad around the park so it had to be him but it took a while and i was like what you mean he goes well because he was 11 because i know he loves his brother dearly but dearly but he hadn't fully developed empathy at that point so when we when he was pretending to be disabled he was doing it in a horrifically offensive way like a cartoony oh like like like throwing your arms around and tugging your bottom lip. Like how Donald Trump describes him, that's what this kid's doing. So the dad's got to fucking audition and train this kid

down to an acceptable level of disability where it's not offensive but also believable. Oh no, so you went to like wheelchair camp for an hour. Oh no, just half an hour but just to be smart and you know, he gets it and they're going on all the rides and it's working, they're getting through,

they're living the life, and I'm like, and I'm loving this story, because it's, like, in my head I'm like, oh, this is so good,

and so awful, and just, yeah, and it's not, it's not, it's not terrible that they're doing it, because they are living it, yeah,

they are living it, so it's like, you know, fucking me and you, went with the, we did it, we just did that, with know, fucking me and you went with the park. If we did it, we're cunts. It just did that with no... Even though you've...

Where's the lane? That is the lane. That is the lane. He's crossed the lane, hasn't he? But he's just across it. I don't think... He's not as across it as... I think the dad's more across the lane

for allowing it to happen. If you're 11 years old and your dad goes, should we make, should we... That's a fun fucking game. Like, it's a... It's almost like it's almost like the parent and toddler uh park and be like somebody using that when the kids are at home

you know you've got the car seat in and you're like well i've got kids i'm gonna use it you're still doing you know breaking the rules but this thing like we could get into the morals of this and still never get to the bottom of it but i go so what went wrong with that he goes oh we're banned from disney i went how and he goes so we go on the fucking Magic Mountain the splash oh Splash Mountain one and they pick me up they put me in my dad

sits behind me and I have a great time on the ride afterwards they pick me up off the ride they put me back into the wheelchair and as we're going round one of the women goes do you want a free photograph from the ride he dropped the act the second they're going round one of the women goes do you want a free photograph from the ride he dropped the act the second they're

out of view of everyone but completely forgot about the camera so he's pretending to be disabled this whole time and then the camera is just him

with his hands above his head like biggest smile on his fucking face and this Disney stuff member's like hold on a fucking second

either this is a miracle ride or you two are a pinnacle oh so you mean he went full quad yeah he didn't need act quad

no no no no because it's not but so he went full like locked in syndrome type of thing cerebral palsy is

a lot of the time full sort of quad you can still walk and stuff but because but some people can't Josie couldn't walk this but his brother

couldn't walk was still always in a wheelchair but he committed too hard to how disabled he was. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, because he was just trying to emulate his brother because they didn't want to tone it.

Because, you know what, the risk you run if you're pretending to be disabled, if you disabled it down too much, you might not get to the front of the rides. I mean, you can't turn up and be like, I'm dyslexic. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Do you know when Gav broke his back? yeah and uh he'd had the surgery on his back and he was like in a lot of pain and he come to rock nest but he was still in a lot of pain all the time and he's like he's mobile but like um he went to use the disabled toilet and the woman wouldn't let him use the disabled toilet and he tried to be like i've broke my back i've had back surgery you're gonna make us walk all the way over there through the throngs of people and so like where, there must be a

real struggle for people, like that was a temporary situation but I bet you people that are like there's like a blurry line of what's disabled enough to be, yeah, there is this because there's so many I don't want to say

invisible disabilities but it is kind of not not immediately you got all these people who leave notes on cars when people park in disabled car parking spaces being like how fucking day and it always turns out that that guy was you know in a war or the woman's got this you know bone disease and it's not visible because it's not what we assume disabled is but it is still a disability like that that parking space is still legitimately for those people i hate fucking i always i mean i had a joke about it in the show last year is we always noticed whenever we were getting josie at the car after parking a disabled car parking space you watch people coming at the car judging whether you're disabled enough for that car parking space and because they're they're

trying to prove that you're lazy and you're like no no cunt you're lazier for that car parking space. Because they're trying to prove that you're lazy. And you're like, nah, nah, cunt. You're lazier than we are. Because you see this shorter distance to the shop as a fucking advantage, you miserable piece of shit. You're sitting there like, ugh. You want the door space, not the couple extra yards. Yeah.

You want the door space. Even if the disabled space Is at the back Would that be okay Are you saying You aren't doing it Because you're closer to the shop No no no We were doing it Because we were closer to the shop You've got to set up a fucking pram

Like And you can't do that Like the disabled Yeah because it's got like The grid lines The grid lines That's where you can set up The fucking trolley stuff

But there are people who For walking Is a physical pain But they're on painkillers and stuff But that extra fucking 30- 40 feet can really take it out of them. Don't have the strength to push a fucking trolley for that.

You know what? It's silly me saying that this is annoying because it's not really annoying, but it is noteworthy, is when you're driving around a pack, normally at Christmas, you're driving around a pack shop in Centre Car Park, and it's full,

except there's like hundreds of disabled beers that aren't being used and you're like can i just have one you didn't need to cater that many yeah really like the there should be like a switch where you can switch them to normal yeah like if you can just go right like switch the light on on these ones that are regular park yeah because there's so many times where i've been driving past like horn like tens yeah yeah and it's not the fact it's not about parking further away it's the fact that there's no parking spaces yeah there's so many available and i'm not i don't think you're expecting like another 30 disabled people to just rock up

man i've always expect i've always wanted like road laws to be like interchangeable depending on the time of day like i'll fully agree I should not go above 20 miles an hour during school time. To go to my house in East Weems, you've got to drive through Colton and Weems and there's two schools on the way. Those are 20 mile narrow zones during the day. Now, one side of the road is the school and on the other side of the road is a six foot wall

and then farm on the other side. Even though kids aren't crossing the road, still go 20 miles an hour because they're fucking kids. When it's three o'clock in the morning, I'm allowed to do 40. Like, it's three in the morning. If you're crossing the road from a school to a farm,

you deserve to be hit by a car. Like, you're up to something, Siri. Like, I should be allowed to go a little bit faster at that point in the fucking evening. Trust me, I'm not drunk, but do I really fucking know I'm not But do I really For fucking no one

Have to go 20 Really Yeah there should be a switch A switch on the speed limit Yeah Right Oh Christ We're half an hour in

We should get on to Muggles Yeah So Muggles are Well in the wizarding world Of Harry Potter Muggles are non-wizards But in the real world

They're not people Of me and you They're people that lack magic Yeah People that lack that bit of spark of the human like of

originality of creativity of like switched on-ness yeah if anyone lacks that spark and they just go by the systems that are in place

they go with the herd they go with the sheep herd picture picture like personality like a big firework to display muggles are people where the

the fucking fuse just stopped before it... Just before the firework went off. Yeah, just it went... Still a firework. They're a damp squib of a person. Oh, they're still a firework. They're a wet weekend. Yeah, they're just not that great.

So every week... But the thing is, everyone is capable of doing Muggle things and everyone is killing it. We've just been discussing that Daniel's a Muggle for wearing Crocs. He's fucking dead. Your dad wears Crocs mate so we offer three things every week

which we think belong in muggle corner and if you're guilty of any of these things you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds

for being such a fucking muggle I'll go first okay I'm going to do one from Twitter this is from Dan in Prague

Dan in Praha people who get excited by the Coca-Cola truck at Christmas. Yep. And he also said, and the way it opened the cold for it,

now, Dan from Prague, does the Coca-Cola truck actually, is it a thing? Oh, I just thought it was the adverts he was referring to. Yeah, because I thought so too,

because the adverts, he was referring to the adverts as far as I read it. And that is like, oh, you can tell it's Christmas, the Coca-Cola truck's on. You're like, are you being marketed

to do so hard that you think the fucking Coca-Cola? You're like, are you being marketed to so hard that you think the fucking Coca-Cola advert? Is he a muggle? What? Is he a muggle? Is he a muggle? No, if he thinks there's an actual Coca-Cola truck and there's not.

Is he just waiting out in the cold for it? Yeah. Is? Maybe he's in Prague, there is. He's from Prague. There's cultures we don't know about. Is there an actual Coca-Cola truck? Are you looking this up now?

Yeah. So yeah, like a lot of people are getting so into the corporate side of Christmas. This is why I fucking always want to go on Christmas. Oh my God. What there actually is. Dates and locations of the 2016 Coca-Cola truck tour. Yeah.

I apologise to Dan in Prague. Dan, I fully apologise. Visit in 44 locations across the UK. Get a photo with the truck. Enjoy your new winter Wonderland experience. And try a free sample of Coca-Cola Zero Sugar. Oh, you are all muggles. Every last fucking one of you that has attended that.

Jesus. That's the most cool. I mean, I'm not even one of those people that like, I hate corporations, but it's not my thing. I'm like, we need to bring them all down. I'm not Bernie Sanders-ing it. But I agree it's a problem. But like, I'm not another spell at all. No. I'm not another spell. I'm not Bernie Sanders-ing it, but I agree it's a problem. But I'm not another spell at all.

I'm not another spell. I'm not like, oh, the John Lewis advert's on. Oh, what's it going to be? We're adding that in there. Yeah, well, that's in there with the Coca-Cola Trump-John Lewis advert. Is it on your list?

No, no, I'm just saying it's the same suggestion, isn't it? I've not watched this year's one. Oh, man, People are so distracted. People are so like, oh, this Trump thing. Trump's world. Oh, it's the end of the world. It's the end of the world.

Oh, John Lewis advert's on. It made me think it's the election. Jingling keys. Jingling keys. Hey, hey, hey, look over here. Why are you crying? Why are you crying? Hey, hey, hey, look.

John Lewis. It's a dog on a trampoline. That's funny, isn't it? It's a dog on a trampoline That's funny, isn't it? It's a dog on a trampoline Tweet about it Yeah Hashtag John Lewis Anyone that enjoys

Yeah, totally Dan Praha Coca-Cola truck Corporation commercialisation Look, guys Guys, just don't be hypnotised Yeah And the John Lewis advert Really, an advert

Made you feel emotion That's really good this year That was really I got teary-eyed Oh, did you? good to see. I got teary-eyed. Oh, did you, you fucking muggle? You got teary-eyed at a fucking advert, like a pleb. Who the fuck...

Right, you know when the adverts are on? Avert your eyes from the television. Fucking check your Facebook, make a brew, go to the fridge, get a beer. Watch the adverts. Yeah, get a... Stay engaged with the TV. Yeah, if the Coca-Cola advert comes on TV, beer watch the adverts yeah get a coke stay engaged with the TV

yeah if the Coca-Cola advert comes on TV just ignore it and go downstairs and help yourself to a nice cold glass of Coca-Cola

oh no oh no watch this watch this in my hand get here hold on I need to pause for another drink

back so Coca-Cola advert John Lewis advert you fucking muggles like I think

being led by corporations for your festivities yeah absolute muggles get in the corner thank you Dan

what's your first one well I had muggles wear crocs but I brought it in early because it was relevant

right so it's not just Crocs. It's fashion fads. Anything like a onesie or a slanket or Crocs where it just comes in,

every cunt's got one, people are taking selfies in them while they're gone again. Yeah. They've got no... I'll totally agree with you. The waves. Like when I was in school,

people having curtains haircut. They had curtains. Curtains? Curtains haircut. David Beckham had curtains. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Joining in a fashion fad.

Joining in a fashion fad. Fucking, I'd stand in the corner for 30 seconds because I bought turtleneck sweaters when fucking Burton's decided to bring out that range. Yeah, I belong in the corner for onesies. Onesie, mate. You fucking strut around in an alligator onesie. It's a dinosaur onesie. And I had a Batman onesie and I had a batman onesie

and I think I had I mean they were all gifts from me to me oh they emasculate men and make women look frumpy oh but there's the thing though I totally agree

that there's no like for people like celebrate that they're wearing them they're not I didn't no it's not like a

comfort and convenience thing it's a fucking post a selfie on facebook thing no mine's work mine's was comfort and convenience like i'd rather see a picture of you and my girlfriend than in a onesie oh i've got those too but that's not a fashion fad it was a couple of weeks ago that was just a statement i'd rather see yeah no i wear i used to wear onesies they don't work because they're broken now Christmas hint mother Yeah I did I did find them comfy

Like see if I was having a stoner day See like post Christmas See in the gooch of the year between Christmas and New Year That thing that time just between Christmas and New Year When it's just like the 27th It's a couple days before my New Year's party I've got nothing to do I've got no gigs on

I'm just going to smoke weed I'm going to play my new year's party i've got nothing to do i've got no gigs on i'm just gonna smoke weed i'm gonna play my fucking xbox games that i've done i'm just gonna eat domino's pizza and be a fat shameful piece why not go full why not go yeah do that too but like this is a full like it's cold you've been up in our living room there's no heat nothing down yeah all right yeah but they're like a bit too thingy Like I had a onesie with a Like it was an accidental hole in the front But man I could just whap out and pee And wank I was wanking on this dinosaur at one point

That was probably That was a proper load When you're fucking wanking on your onesie Man That was Oh kill yourself Man it was I was in a fucking dinosaur onesie

And I worked out I'm gonna cry wank Cry maxing Cry wanking Cry maxing just over all the other dinosaurs that died all those millions of years ago

it was great slankets was the other one wasn't it blanket with sleeves get in the corner you and your crocs and your slanket and your

onesie and your curtains and your turtleneck sweaters and your just make some decisions yeah condoms it's just a fad It's just a fad.

It's just a fad for nerds. Yeah, I'll totally agree and I'll stand in the corner for 30 seconds. Muggles. Here's the third one. Muggles call their other halves this one. This one? No, but on Facebook,

be like, hey, just had a great wee day with this one. Shut up, cunt. Yeah. Or just, hey, I was having a bad day at work and this one surprised me with flowers oh i can't wait to see this one tomorrow two hours over i can't wait to see this one picture oh it's just like again and i know i know i know i continuously rail against everything couples do i'm a better sad little man sure let's keep that theory alive what about my better

half what about when people say my better half i say that about uh you ironically like just because everyone thinks we're a couple already but yeah better halves up there pet nicknames in you know just in general the same the half better half or the half or if you say half like the minute you insinuate that you're two parts Of a whole That's when I think You're getting the idea Of what a relationship

Is Sorry lads Can't come out For a pint tonight I forgot to go home And see the old Ball and chain Shut up

You fucking cunt Her indoors What's it for For you to live your lives I can't preach this enough P two individual people Instead of one boring person. Yeah, yeah.

You run the risk of being your two unique snowflakes in the universe and then you both land on the windshield of where you live and then you turn into little raindropulates and you meet each other and then you just become a sad fat drip of a couple on the windshield of life like as you just combine your muggle forces

to become like super muggle like you're like the power rangers of muggles, you've each got your little muggle you've formed like Voltron you've got your little fucking rings and you put them in together form of muggles let's watch Come Down With Me. So this one,

if you call this one, if you call this one any of those other shitty fucking names, Bay, and I'm guilty of that, I call people Bay ironically.

I'll even put myself in the corner because Jean's not my girlfriend but I call her Boo Bear. I got pet names with me and Natalie.

Ugh. She calls me Hump Dog. Because you hump dogs. I hump dogs. I hump a leg when I hump. And the lipstick pops out. Don't try humping a leg. And you call her a racist nickname.

Morgz. Yep. Mowgli. Mowgli. She looks like Mowgli off the Jungle Book. Because she looks like An eight year old Boy Brown boy

Put on girlfriend material She had a black cat as well That looked like Bagheera What? She had a black cat That looked like Bagheera Yeah except really small And not Bagheera at all

I mean it's I got it Did you see the picture I put where I put a picture of her And a picture of Mowgli And a picture of Bagheera And I mean it's I got it did you see the picture I put where I put a picture of her and a picture of Mowgli and a picture of Bagheera and a picture of Jagger

and it's just I couldn't tell who was who and I kissed the wrong one I kissed the picture of the cat right what's your second one this is a from a caller

long term listener first time caller Luke Watson Answers on a postcard Muggles put clothes on dogs Oh yes of course they do My auntie My American auntie

Lovely lovely proper Like one of those aunties You know when you go to their house It's their Just their thing becomes looking after you want you to have the greatest day you possibly can cannot say a bad word about her

except she's got one of those little fucking rat dogs that just you know small little ones that just have been that should be extinct like

these things were wolves this is the most degrading thing about dogs like to me that dog must be the most degrading thing natural selection's Like, to me, that dog must be the most degrading thing. Natural selection's going to win. If we end up back in the woods, the sausage dog ain't going to last. That's not going to fight for its own food.

The sausage dog. She keeps it in a bag. She keeps it in a bag where it poops, right? And she wipes its bum with wet wipes. Dogs don't need to wipe their bum. They're self-policing. No, but apparently she doesn't like her bum. Dogs don't need to wipe their bum. You've got self self-policing? No, but apparently she doesn't like a bum. Dogs don't need

to wipe their bum. You've got self-cleaning buttholes. Aye. Yeah, but she's got in the bag, so... Like, I haven't cleaned my eyes,

you know? Like, there's certain things that don't need cleaning. Eyeballs, dogs' bumps. It's quite an easy list. Right, dog, you do my arm,

I'll do your bumhole. Vaginas? Vaginas are self-cleaning. Yeah. And if not, I'll do your bum hole vaginas vaginas are self cleaning yeah and if not I'll do it I keep finding fem fresh in my girlfriend's shower

and just using it as body wash what's fem fresh I'll never do that fem fresh what is it like creme fresh but but tastes of pussy

what's fem fresh it's just a female shower gel but I guess it's just a female shower gel but I guess it's probably is it not is that not

for like thrashing stuff what are you saying about my laugh I gave her thrash I think it's just like for cleaning up bits and bobs

but I just leave my armpits with it and my face why because because your arm has the texture And smell of your girlfriend's vagina There's a couple of stray hairs

This way I've got a fucking hairy wet armpit Fucking put two and two together I've just got an image of you Just before the shower Just like really leaning over And trying to fuck your own armpit and you're alone on tour

if it starts making fart noises you're like oh anal sometimes it gets lonely armpit queefs dogs I don't go from dogs to femme fresh so dog see the thing with dogs

I don't know how to word this without sounding like a dick, but... You hate dogs. I don't hate dogs. You do hate dogs. No, no, no. You don't understand. I just don't default love them. The same as I don't default love people. Yeah. Like if I see a person in the street, I don't go running up to them and rub their cheeks and go, who the boy?

You know, I feel the same about a dog. Yeah. Right, I'll warm to a a dog I'll be around your house a couple of times I'll have met your dog a couple of times we're buddies now you know

we've hung out a little while but if your dog just instantly comes running up and starts licking my face I feel like as if a person's come up and starts licking my face one of us is going to get bitten

no but you'd love that what see if the girl just came up and started licking your face you'd tell me you'd be like I've got a burn right Dan not a wh doing but yeah

just in general do you think this is maybe do you think this is maybe because you didn't have any pets as a kid my grandad had a dog

and I spent every weekend at my grandad's every Friday night we'd go there stay there till Sunday evening and Peppy the dog was called Peppy

I fucking love Peppy Peppy the puppy we're mates we've built a friendship you know I'm not just going to instantly just I don't instantly The dog was called Peppy. I fucking love Peppy. Peppy the puppy. But we're mates. We've built a friendship. Yeah. You know, I'm not just going to instantly just... I don't instantly love your dog. I'm Soz.

I'll give back to... You're in the corner for 30 seconds preaching Soz in conversation. You made such a good point and then ended with, I don't love your dog, Soz. Sozleberries. Sozleberries.

Yeah, I mean, I'll agree with you. Like, I don't instantly love other people but the second a dog gives me that level of affection I'm like oh you're a lovely fucking dog

and I can like my always fear with dogs is like being rejected like see if you're like oh he's a lovely dog oh and I have so much respect for the dog

for rejecting us it wasn't just like for jumping up at us if it was like they're making us work but then you'd just be you'd be like oh she's fucking

treating me I'm hard to get with a dog no then you'd just be you'd be like oh she's fucking treating me and keeping me keen I'm hard to get with a dog no then you'd just be like if a girl rejected you you'd just like what's that dog's name hey

introduce me to your dog let me know hey get a dog my number yeah what's your what's your dog's situation can I buy a drink can you give your dog a bone

yeah dressing up dogs is just like Can you give his dog a bone? Yeah, dressing up dogs is just... I think it's essentially people that treat their animals like human beings. My dog, Sooty, that my parents got, I love Sooty because she's a dog. I don't think she's a person. Sometimes she thinks she's a... Your dog leaves me alone. Yeah.

Quality. My dog comes in whenever I go home loves me hugs me whatever but I'm fully aware it's a dog like I'll talk to City

but just like in dog talk I'm not like oh buddy you'll never hear the fucking day I've had today I'll tell you what

it's when people start treating their dogs like animal like oh he's got his own little personality dog isn't he yeah and if you're

wearing them in clothes you're just People love that dog so hard I understand it's a dangerous

game If you were to ever go out with a guy or a girl who dressed up their

dog that person either wants to be pregnant or wants to get you pregnant within six months like

they are that's pure maternal instincts there or paternal. You know what as well, I've got this theory that people that love dogs

actually love people, right? People that love animals, I'm going to get this right. People think animals are cute when they act like people, right? If they wear clothes,

if they're sitting up like a person on a chair, right? People think that's adorable when an animal looks like a person on a chair, right? People think that's adorable when an animal looks like a person. But the minute a person starts acting like an animal, the minute a person takes a shit in the streets, you're like, oh, he's a fucking beast.

Right? That means you like people. You want the person to act like a person and you want the dog to act like a person. Yeah, you don't like them. You don't want any of them to act like a dog. So you hate dogs, you love people.

I love animals. One of my favourite friends of them to act like a dog. So you hate dogs, you love people. I love animals. One of my favourite friends, Barry, chases cats up trees. Barry's a mad cunt. Barry's just... Daz. Daz. He's fucking chased a cat.

I should have seen Daz, man, the other day, licking his balls. Fucking licking his balls on the street, Darren. Oh, man. Daz is fucking mad. Off his tits. I've got to lock him outside, otherwise he just climbs on the foot of my bed

And starts licking my feet When I'm sleeping You know what he did When he was around mine The other day Dragged his arse Across me carpet Sweated down

Darren sat down Right Front arms Caught some legs Caught some legs Who calls them Front arms though I've got to make a compromise

He wants to call them legs. I want to call them arms. Front arms. Drags his arse across me. So yeah, if you dress up animals, you are an absolute fucking miracle. And also, there's some people listening and I love your dog.

Look, just didn't make this about your dog. Stop being fucking insecure. I love your dog. We've spent time together. Didn't be like, next time you see me dog, look at how me and your dog's relationship's going. We're cool'll spend time together. Don't be like, oh, next time you see me dog, looking at how me and your dog's relationship's going. We're cool.

We're good. We're fine. Don't worry about it. We've got one relationship. You worry about your relationship with your dog. I'll worry about my relationship with your dog. I'm not trying to win him off you. Oh. This one is from

at Josie April Fool on Twitter. Thank you for sending in. Wearing music festival bands this one is from at joseaprilefool on twitter thank you for sending in wearing music festival bands after the festival's done yeah I keep them I don't I keep them in a box

I keep my memories like I don't just have a box with the wristbands in I've got a box with like a bunch of cool shit from like my career yeah and I

sometimes I feel bad that I didn't do that. I get given great stuff from fans, and I have all these great experiences and signs and stuff, and I want to keep them forever, and then eventually lose them or just get rid of them. Yeah, I've got all my fringe passes. I just wrapped them all in the fucking old Skybox. I feel bad for a bit, but then again, it's all memories for me.

I've never used the box. I've never dipped into it. But yeah, wearing them is... it's all memories for me. I've never used the box. I've never dipped into it. What is it? But yeah, like wearing them is... It's just because they're, like it's not even like, first of all, it's,

there's a level of arrogance in it. Like it's showing off. It's like, oh, look at all the things. I've been to Glastonbury. Yeah, I've done all these things.

How cool am I? Whatever. But the other thing, it's just a bit manky. Like you're showing off how manky you are. Like, look, I love sex.

I don't wear the condom. I've, like, for the condom I've like for like weeks I've been like yeah smashed a solid ten the other day just put the next one over

and been like no no I want to keep the memory of the other one imagine how pruned your dick would go oh yeah back to normal size

so festival wristbands yeah good one who was that someone on twitter yeah yeah nice one who was that someone on Twitter yeah yeah nice one that's damn

right people that wear festivals which is funny because like people that go to festivals are generally

less muggly they're generally cooler people but that is like a muggle microcosm yeah it's just

a little muggle throwaway one of our buddies does that Fraser who's not a muggle Fraser

MK Fraser yeah I'm sure he does yeah he's a but fraser's like i don't want to say weird but he's a sexy man like fraser's one of those men that whenever i meet him like oh you get laid for different reasons than i get laid we both get laid but for very different reasons i get laid because like you talk them into it he gets laid because they want it. Yeah, yeah. Like, Fraser's just this handsome, he's got that look of, like, the flowing... Normally guys with long hair look shit, but he's just got...

And he's got chat for days as well. Oh, he does, he's a fucking dreamboat. He's a fucking muggle wearing his wristbands like a mug. You Fraser, you fucking mug. All right. So get in the corner if you've got your festival wristbands on. a mug alright so get in the corner

after you've got your festival wristbands on erm the it's a craze it came and went in a cup which had a lot of

muggles at the time I think it was around about between 2010 and 2012 it really it was like a muggle fly trap

the fish pedicure oh we did this the other day that's what brought it into mind because they were them type of fish and you could put your hand in and they'd chew on your hand and stuff yeah they used to have cure oh we did this the other day that's what brought it into mind because they were them type of fish and you could put your hand in and they'd chew on your hand and stuff

yeah they eat all the dead skin scales off your fingertips and stuff well that's the excuse for to take your money right that's like what the saying's happening never there's never been a point where i'm like oh god these dead skin cells on my feet are building up but i can't put my feet in the fish tank there's never been a point it's not a need it's not even a want it's not a need or a want to get rid of the dead skin off your feet right and if it is

just fucking wash them you daft cunt don't go into the fucking metro centre which is a shopping centre in Newcastle put yourself in the in the shop window

with your fucking feet in a fish tank while everyone's doing their Christmas shopping and you just stand you sit there like a fucking pleb, fish eating your dry skin.

We did it the other day. A lot of mug. We went to the aquarium in Vienna because we snuck some beers in because there was a really good view up there and they did have one of those things. Now, in that scenario, I was like,

because people were putting their hands in and all the fish were swarming around it, I'm like, that looks cool as fuck, I'm doing that. But it was purely for the experience of, I was like, in and all the fish were swimming around it. I'm like, that looks cool as fuck. I'm doing that. But it was purely for the experience of, I was like, look at all the fucking fish. They're like piranhas.

They've done that in Sri Lanka as well. There was a big fucking pool with all these massive gold fish type ones. And they would latch onto you. So you put your legs in and they'll sap away your legs. But the minute you're doing that, thinking that you're getting something out of it, you're like, it's alternative eastern beauty therapy i take rhino horn oil and i wrap it under my eye no you're a fucking idiot you're a fucking idiot like what did that cost anyway i wonder how much

it was for what the like to get your feet put your feet in the fish tank exactly how much it costs put that all dirty fucking toilet water that ten other people's feet have been in yeah the fish are fucking stuffed the fish are just bloated the fuck with dead skin cells or fucking mugs imagine being that fish

like what's in the what's on today oh fuck corn flakes five little piggies right so should we go through those again

if you were guilty of any of these Following six things 30 seconds each In the corner For being such a Fucking muggle If you've paid for a fish pedicure Muggle

If you've then finished that And put your crocs on Or any other fad Like crocs Muggle You also put clothes on your dog Yeah you're a fucking muggle Go stand in the corner

You're not a bad person No you're not a bad person Don't feel bad about it. No, don't feel bad. Just pay your dues. Yeah. No, no, no. You shouldn't feel bad about any of the muggly.

We'll rip you for being a muggle but we're all guilty of things. I've worn Crocs. I'm standing in the corner. I've done the fish. I'm standing in the corner. It's just admitting that occasionally, occasionally,

you do something that's just a little bit fucking lame and simple. Someone put on me Facebook status and said, what's going to be next? Breathing. Yeah, I'll be really close in the net. We are fucking closing the net on you guys. We're going to troll and catch every last one of you.

We've caught ourselves in the net a few days too. If you've ever been to see the Coca-Cola truck live, you are a muggle. If you call your other half this one in Facebook posts, you, my lady, are a muggle. Or my sir. And winning music festival bands after the festival's done,

you fucking muggle, go rave in the corner, you fucking rapper, babe. Now on to a game we played a while ago, which was fun, where we've come up with three statements about ourself, any number of them can be true, any number of them can be false, and we have to guess which ones are true or false

while reading for them. It's called True Lies, I think You want to go first? So my first True Lie is I told me to scroll them open when I was nine I had an accident on the Isabella pit heap The Isabella pit heap? The Isabella heap is like a pit heap Where there used to be a mine

But there's now a heap of mountain of earth And now it's got trees and stuff on it Okay, so you were just playing in a fucking mountain of earth and now it's got like trees and stuff on it okay so you were just playing in a fucking pit I thought it's yeah it's like it's an old pit heap but it's like now all

trees and footpaths so it's not as sad as you play like fox and hounds and tiggy and then one day kiss kill torture kind of climb a tree and my foot slipped

and you told your wait where are you where did you tell you don't want me to suck this as it connects to me um gooch oh it's just well We've been using the term

Gooch This is part of my Stand up routine The gooch is the period Of time between Christmas and New Year As well as being The bit between

Your balls and your butthole Yeah the inch Gooch So it was me Scroat And when I got home Your dad kissed it better My mum didn't believe

That I'd tore my nutsack Because I was being A bit blase about it Because it wasn't that hurty And then I had to show her The tear tore my nutsack because I'd been a bit blasey about it because it wasn't that hurty. And then I had to show her the tear on my nutsack to her and my nana.

Okay. Took us to the hospital and had four stitches. Two of them were complimentary. Second one. Can you just tighten this up please?

It's nearly down to my knees already I'm only 13 I stepped on a plank of wood and a nail went through my trainer and through my foot right right through my foot

on the plank of wood the nail and I got super upset because my auntie had just bought us them socks not even the shoes it was socks with numbers and like like, divide and subtract and minus and add and, like, a load of numbers, right?

And a nail went through. It was my first wear of them. Me auntie had got us them. And I put the nail through it and I'm bleeding all over the place. And my shoe's ruined. And I'm like, me socks aren't on you. They're not going to... Oh, okay. okay

when I was in primary school there was a shed that kept all the hula hoops and just fucking stuff that you would use for PA

bean bags and all that were in there and there was like a little gap between the shed and the wall and when I was on my own I wasn't

even playing with other people or showing off or anything I tried to get through the gap in the shed all the way out the other side but it tapered it was thinner at one side

of the other and i wedged my head between the shed and the well and the bell rang and all the other kids went in and i just left wedged by my head between the shed and stayed there crying for what felt like a million lifetimes and then mr blackett the caretaker Mr. who? Mr. Blackett I thought you said Blanket Mr. Blanket I was like this is the rapiest name Mr. Blackett

heard me whimpers and he come along and used his super man strength to dislodge my head from the wall in the shed he moved the shed

and I got out and spent a little bit of time with the nurse made sure she was okay and my mum came like this from school you showed your mum your policy again

for no reason. So, the three things I told you. How many are true and do I have to correct? Just you guess. So I told my mum that I'd show my mum

and my nana. False. Stepped on a plank. So you think that was false? Yeah. Correct, it's false. Happened to Lee. Happened to Rouge.

Okay. Right, stepped on a Right Starting to unpack a word What went through my throat I was more crying About my sock False True Okay

Got wedged between the shed That's absolutely true Yeah it is That's absolutely true It's a two true one false But the one The false one happened to Rouge Okay

My nickname For two months in first year of high school was new shoes because I came in wearing new shoes oh god your school sucks is this the same school where you got put in detention for the first time?

no no that was primary school so high school came in wearing new shoes alright new shoes and the thing was like it was so weird that it shouldn't have been an insult in any way whatsoever but because I took it as an insult the first time, that was my nickname I've been like no they're not new I scuffed them up, I ran through mud

to make them look older So you got called new shoes even when you were long gone Yeah Even when I got new shoes they weren't calling me new shoes because of my new shoes it was because of my Previously retained title Three months ago

Of having new People in that time Every day coming in with new shoes But because mine were Particularly shiny Fucking old new shoes over here Bobby does that I told you about my

School nickname didn't I I got called weed Because I was skinny Yeah So I've always been Kai Bosch That's always been Running things Bosch Has always been my nickname But it caught on Where people were calling us weed Because I was skinny yeah so I've always been kai bosh that's always been a running things bosh

there's always been a nickname but it caught on where people were calling us weed because I was skinny so it's like I just got weed that was it yeah and then uh as we got older and like everyone started getting into dr dre and snoop dogg and eminem and like smoke weed every day and weed now means cannabis so I've been called because I'm skinny like the fucking bill and ben the flowerpot man weed right now weed means cannabis I'm just starting calling it because I'm skinny like the fucking Bill and Ben the flower pot men weed right now weed means cannabis I'm just

starting to own the name like fucking yeah I'm weed the stuff called us

it nickname got too cool for us like yeah we should probably

stop calling Kai weed like you're starting to own it okay new

shoes I once superglued my hands together And couldn't get out Of my room So I missed school For a couple of hours

No It's because I used to do Warhammer Yeah So you know You like put together The things And you paint them

So like In the morning Like sometimes I just wake up And just fucking Like paint for a bit Because it's like A really low

Threshold of Concentration required Like it's like a really low threshold of concentration required like it's like you concentrate but it doesn't require much you know how I am in the mornings I'm not great

so I was putting together some of the guys in a super glued and I put my hands together just like she's like oh how strong super glue

and very you just experimented with super glue yeah and I put my hands together yeah like melt one thing to the next thing yeah

and I couldn't get my hands apart and I couldn't get the door opened at school and then shit I would have heard didn't find it till my mum came up later I super glued my glasses

back together one day and got it on the lens but I didn't want to tell my mum and dad so I got cut around for fucking ages with super glue on the lens of my glasses

just seen way further in the distance than you intended to and I once faked being sick for a week at school to play the new World of Warcraft. World of Warcraft? Go on, yeah. I think you did fall in.

I was doing one World of Warcraft. I think. I said Warhammer before. Is that not the same thing? No, Warhammer's the little figures. Yeah, but then the computer game versions. No, that's Warcraft. Two different things, you fucking nerd.

Oh, really? Yeah. I just thought that was the... Two entirely different things, World of Warcraft and Warhammer. Two different things, you fucking nerd. Oh, really? Yeah. I just thought that was... Two entirely different things, World of Warcraft and Warhammer. Not related in any way. Yeah. You learn something new every day. So...

When you're stupid. So, which one of those... I'll go through them. Tell me whether they're true or false. Nickname being new shoes. Nah. True. Oh, God.

I know. Super glued my hands together. False. It is false, correct. And I faked being sick for a week to play World of Warcraft. You definitely did. I absolutely did God. I know. Super glued my hands together. False. It is false, correct. And I faked being sick for a week to play World of Warcraft. You definitely did. I absolutely did that. You did.

And not only that, but you fucking got banned from Warcraft. I didn't know, until now, I didn't know for a fact about the thing. But one fact I do know about you is that you found out a way of robbing people. Yeah, so I'll do this quickly. But for anyone that played World of Warcraft, you'll get this. For those of you that don't, I'll try and explain it best as I can. It's the online game. Now, I got bored, but was still addicted to it, so I just started fucking around.

And I worked out that there was basically this system where my character could send your character something through mail called cash on delivery. So what that means, let's say you want to buy a sword off me. I send it, because we can't meet because we're in different parts of the world, I can send it to you, you go to a post box, and it comes up with the sword. But in order to retrieve the sword,

you instantly have to pay me 30 or 40 gold, whatever I've said, and that goes instantly into my account. Then you get the sword. I work out that basically for no money whatsoever, you can buy a rock and you can buy wrapping paper and if you wrap up the rock in wrapping paper the new item

is just called secret surprise so I would wrap up 50 to 100 of these things which cost me nothing and then spam out to all the highest level people on the server a message being like hey Adam Adam, happy birthday, can't wait to see you tonight,

I've got the Jaeger, I've also bought you this fucking Sword of a Thousand Truths or whatever the fuck the thing was called, it's in here, cost me 700 gold,

but I'll be honest with you, I'm just getting out, can I just get like 50 or 60 back, just to, it'll be fine, I'll pay you back in two weeks,

can't wait to see you tonight buddy, peace. Sent out to 60 to 100 people, took me 10 minutes to do, they we then log off and the next morning there were three types of replies one was the good people being like hey buddy you've sent this to the wrong guy uh hope you have a great party maybe you got one of the letters wrong cool second people do you think i'm a fucking idiot fuck you right but then 50 of them is i'm

just getting i'm raking in gold and then it's just pure abuse of like you motherfucker you motherfucker sold me a rocket yeah it was the first i was i was essentially the nigerian royalty of the world of warcraft service probably scamming and then the world of warcraft people like they tried to get me banned for it And I'm like No no no no no You've created a fucking world Where people Murder and kill

And do this stuff The con art Is surely a part of this You can't ban me I've not hacked I've not done anything I've used the system You've put in place

To work to my advantage Don't hate the player Hate the game Eh Still got banned though Right Oh god we're well over Let's finish quickly

Are we Yeah with your dad jokes Our favourite part of the show Your dad jokes Your dad wears Crocs mate He does That's not how I'm starting The cold hard fat life

Me and old Martin Fucking representing East Weems Your dad's nickname at school Was Catweasel Your dad licks his finger was Catweasel. Your dad licks his finger before turning the page on his Kindle. Your dad's got a waterproof mattress.

Your dad licks his finger before peeling off toilet paper. And after wiping. Your dad's in the Guinness Book of World Records for expelling the most types of bodily fluid at the same time. He cut himself so that he was bleeding while he perfectly timed it so he could shit, piss and vomit at the same time as he came, all while crying. Your dad licks his fingers before a wank. Oh, this one goes out to my lovely. Hello? Your dad got kicked off the school bus because, Well, because he's in his fifties.

Your dad shines a torch on his cock to make a silhouette of his dick appear on the ceiling like a bat signal so your mum knows he wants to get his head away. Your dad slut drops like it pays the bills Your dad breath smells like talcum powder And no one knows why I'm going to skip ahead to one Your dad goes through hundreds of pounds

Worth of talcum powder every year When he should just buy a bigger goop suit I think we just found out the answer your dad comes on his toes and calls at a little piggy bukkake party your dad already has his Christmas decorations up people think your dad's People think your dad's part of Fathers for Justice

But really he just likes shouting at women While dressed as Wonder Woman Your dad still randomly knocks on his mates To see if they're playing out Your dad nearly drowned in the shower Your dad tells people in the shower. Your dad tells people that he's an actor when he's only ever been in one episode of Baker Grove in 1993.

Your dad eats beans that aren't Heinz baked beans and prefers them. Weird cunt. Your dad queued for an hour to get Rod Stewart to sign his chest. Your dad

wipes his arse by dragging it along wet cobblestone roads. Like Darren. Right, we are done, and not only done with the podcast, not when I say done, I mean with this episode. We're done with the European tour. First of all, a huge thank you

to everyone who came out and every promoter and every star that we've done has just put so much heart into it and such personal touches like Paulius

that we've just been in Lithuania Paulius just bought a Lithuania shirt with my name on the back it's just such a nice when you're on tour and you're like

constantly moving and you're constantly on the road getting up with a hangover. It's just so nice to be met by people that want to take care of us at every station. Massive thank you to everybody. And thank you to every audience. There literally was not one shit gig in the European tour.

Such cool people that come to meet us at the end as well. And we're chatting to everybody in as well. When people address us as Muggins and Cream. It's happened three times in the past four days. But someone just went, hey, it as Muggins and Cream oh it's the tits it's happened three times in the past four days but someone just went hey it's Muggins and Cream the grins on our face

were stupid as shit like I I didn't know what was happening the other day someone was like hey Muggins and I was like Muggins

and he's like Muggins and I was looking at him where was it last night Lithuania so in Lithuania he's going Muggins

and I'm like Muggins and he's like yeah Muggins and Cream I'm like, Morgans, he's like, yeah, Morgans and cream. I'm like, yeah. Oh, that brings stupid muggle-like joy to us when you refer to us as... Oh, man, I'm such a muggle when it comes to being called Morgans and cream.

Oh, because we didn't expect this to go as well as it's gone so far, and that's thanks to the listeners. Even though the European podcast is done, we are keeping this podcast going until you cunts get bored of it. Yeah, so what's going to happen is we're going to still go

Monday and Thursday every week we've still got some of the UK tour then we're going to Altitude Festival shout out Altitude four weeks to go

go to Altitude if you've got the money use it on Altitude we're going to be there and then it's after that around about Christmas when we split you go to LA

no no it's going to be mid January I still think we'll be able to do a few I think mid January is when we will we'll still do two a week well 18th is when I go to yeah but. I still think we'll be able to do a few. I think mid-January is when we will... We'll still do two a week. Well, 18th is when I go to...

Yeah. But the plan is basically we'll still do two podcasts a week, but what the plan is is I'll do the Mondays and you'll do the Thursdays, but with different guests while we're away. I'll be in Australia.

Hopefully Nick Cody will jump on one. I will be in America. I can probably get people like Jim Jefferies and Jack McBrayer from 30 Rock. But you'll still be jealous that I'm spending time with Cody. I will be jealous America I can probably get people like Jim Jeffries and Jack McBrayer from 30 Rock but you'll still be jealous that I'm spending time with Cody I will be jealous of Nick Cody so yeah we're going to be dotted around the world but we're going to keep it going

he's going to do the Monday I'm going to do the Thursday and then we regroup in Melbourne so the podcast still exists after the show and thank you for everyone that's asked you're concerned that we're going to stop this filled us with joy so the UK dates And thank you for everyone that's asked. You're concerned that we're going to stop this filled us with joy. So the UK dates.

On the 17th of November, we are in Bristol at Hen and Chickens. That is almost sold out, so get in there quickly. 18th of November, we are in Windsor at the Fire Station. 19th of November, Guildford at GLive. 20th of November, we're in Brighton, Comedia. And then 21st, 22nd, 23 of November we're in Brighton Comedia and then 21st, 22nd, 23rd we're in Blythe

Bedlington and Ashington Punchdrunk shout out to the Punchdrunk army we are coming your way I know there's a lot of people that listen from

the fucking Blythe and Bedlington and Ashington and the surrounding areas Blythe's already sold out Bedlington's a fucking big venue in a small

town man that's 350 seats in a population of 14,000 which is huge Bedlington's a fucking big venue in a small town man that's 350 seats in a population of 14,000 which is like it's almost as good as our

Estonian rating yeah so Bedlington is climbing that was like up over 100 like three weeks to go so we're

going to be looking at like record numbers for Bedlington Ashton's pretty much sold out so yeah those are the dates

I can't wait to see everyone we will talk to I can't wait to see everyone we will talk to you can't wait to talk Geordie again yes

no I have to slow down your accent we will be back on Thursday after I know this comes out on

Monday but just be aware that we're in Finland and we don't know the Conor McGregor results

we have to record them on Saturday because we leave each other tomorrow we'll be back on Wednesday

where we'll be very very very drunk and possibly very stoned. So for all of our foreign listeners, be prepared for another Amsterdam-esque episode. We apologise. Yeah, we keep getting told that I didn't make any sense in the

Amsterdam episode. I had so much fun in that episode. Which is such a shame because that's the hardest I've had. I haven't listened back to it but I was just like, oh, I had such a good time. And Natalie said it was like, listen to it back. It made me fucking laugh my box off. I loved it. Alright, peace. Talk to you soon. Fuck yous.