Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.15 No Apologies

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

From the comfort of Natalie's bed in London, Muggins and Cream declare some more bugbears they have with one another and discuss being pegged by Nick Cody. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? I can't get comfortable in this bed. I've sobered up.

Oh yeah, I mean, we've got a couple of apologies to do at the start of the podcast. I'm not apologising for shit. I mean... It was on awesome form. You definitely were. I mean, I haven't listened to it back, I'm scared. But I felt like it was on great form. There seems to be an ongoing theme, and I'm thankful that some people have pointed it out to us

over the last couple of podcasts, that I have been coming out with zingers that you have just been either ignoring or not understanding until, like, three days later. I've overlooked a couple. There's a couple. One Cody pointed out is when you called, when I was talking about doing parkour

to get away from people when I was a kid and you went puakor and I just brushed over it completely. It's a great joke. And then when I was uploading one the other day

we were talking about eyes being self-cleaning and dog's bums being self-cleaning and I mentioned vaginas were self-cleaning and then you went and if they're not I'll clean them.

Yep. Just fucking zinger. But I just ignored the shit out of you. And then just I mean it makes it feel like I'm having a bad gig and you're knocking my confidence and then i'm less confident in future gags i always laugh at your fucking shit jokes i'm just gonna sing i felt it haven't i it's good it's absolutely shit uh also uh obviously last podcast we were fucking hammered

so some of it was unintelligible i also i love that you were actually really hammered during that podcast but then you were still the rock you're still the one because because i'd been drinking since 12 in the day on a free bar and then you come to join me from five so you'd still been doing a good 10 hours drinking but i was just drunk before we even met up yeah uh so we got absolutely smashed and then i made uh something that's come back to not really bite me in the ass but i've made a lot of enemies by claiming that Prosecco is for muggles.

Yeah, what were you thinking? Well, you know what? You're just playing the heel. No, no. You're just playing the bad guy. You've watched enough wrestling to realise that there's a market for a bad guy.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to absolutely fucking no one. I absolutely stand by it. Zero apologies The fact that We had about six bottles Of Prosecco that night

Yeah we're guilty of muggle things I've never said We're not guilty of muggle Yeah but Prosecco ain't a muggle thing It's ballin' Nah it's not Champagne's ballin' Prosecco's if you're just like

I like the fizz in my juice It's like sparkling water Oh man it flows so well Flows like Jay-Z in the booth I take I mean I'm gonna Acknowledge that bad one in water. Oh man, it flows so well. It flows like Jay-Z in the booth. I take, I mean, I'm going to acknowledge that

bad one. You keep ignoring my zingers, I will point out every terrible fucking joke you make during this podcast

and make you explain it piece by piece. You're not going to have much work to do. I'll tell you that. So we're

sat in your bird's room. Yep, we're sat in Natalie's bed right now Where the magic happens Fucking magic This is

Magic Call me the wizard I'm going to make a rabbit appear A rampant rabbit Which she needs after you fuck her That was a joke Yeah and I was explaining it better Oh god

No it could have easily been You pull a wrap out of Natalie's vagina I don't know what your kinky sex life is Well You're in the room and it happens to smell up Sniff up Imagine it Isn't it the squeaky bed? It's awful and that's the bathroom where you got absolutely

Did you stop squeaking the bed? Wasn't the squeaky when she bought it I've seen Something's been going down one hour away Not always yeah going through that last night or the day before

you accidentally slammed your girlfriend in one of the places we were kicking in Bristol and we drove all the way back down to London

and got into your girlfriend's flat and it was like three in the morning and we wanted to be quiet when we came in because we're respectful we should have worked

in the morning too yeah so we open the front door and it's a very squeaky front door so like you open it up and the door just goes like the loudest fucking squeak and i'm like oh god that was loud and then you for some reason thought it was your girlfriend saying hello so you leaned against our bedroom i was like yeah baby it's just us And then the door shut again, made the exact same horrible screeching sound. And you were like, yeah, yeah, baby, I'll be through in two seconds.

I'm just going to get a drink. Like 100% sincere. Like you're like, oh, she's so sweet when she's tired. That's the noise you would make, right? If you just heard the dawns and bumping around like, oh, is that the noise? But that wasn't even the noise. It was a horrific,

like it says volumes of what you feel about. I have stood at that squeaky door for hours before just putting the world to rights. Just thinking it's Natalie, just chatting away. Man, I've booked holidays. I've planned trips away. Just to this squeaky door. Cried because you thought you were dumped.

You're going to be like that And then you storm out And then the door shuts Like alright baby I'll come back And then I start making fun Of the noise back Just me and the door

Just making noise Natalie's like What the fuck's going on Who's guy brought back with him She sounds angry Starts arguing with the door as well I'm surprised every single time A car beeps at us

On the motorway now You're not just like Yeah well I'm surprised every single time A car beeps at us on the motorway now You're not just like Yeah baby I'm doing it Yeah yeah Something funny happened last night Well I remember Just lying in bed Chatting away at Natalie

And we're talking about Who's going to be at altitude And who's not going to be there this year And we started talking about A lot of the really good snowboarders And skiers aren't going to be there this year So like um uh joel domic chris quayle guys that normally win the clown race aren't going to be there but steve and craig campbell are back are they back yeah so it's not against me and you for the title and every year there's the clown race at altitude

which is we start up at one of the biggest mountains and all the comedians have to snowboard their way down and last year amongst the snowboarders uh i came second uh which is like the highest because normally it's like joel dormant second snowboarder second snowboarder uh like marcus brickstock and stuff who are all like very very good and this year was turning out to be the year that one of us could have won it me i was right behind you and about overtook and then i spunked out spent the rest of it trying to catch up um but so i was talking about like oh joel dormant's not I spanked out spent the rest of it trying to catch up but so I was talking about like oh Joel

Darmid's not going to be there Chris Quayle's not going to be there it's going to be difficult and then like there was a lull a long enough lull for the

next thing to be said could possibly be a changing conversation yeah and Natalie just went I bet you Nick Cody just straps one on isn't absolutely awesome

I bet Nick Cody just straps one on isn't and is awesome yeah and it's just like my brain wasn't even on the clown race anymore. It's just like, the fuck kind of pull it talks is? And then it just hung there in the air for so long where we laughed, like nothing else needed to be said for it, right?

And I was just like, I love that air. To imagine that, like Nick Cody needs a strap on, just like his soft cocks just hanging there while he pegs his, while he pegs his awesome with his strap-on. And that just went, oh, where my mind went,

he didn't have a soft-on, like, he had two cocks. Yeah, that's where my mind went. the thing is, if you need a peg, you're just like,

you're not horny, you're just business as usual. The way I see it is like, it's her doggy style and then his dick's going into her vagina and then the then his dick's going into her vagina and then the strap on's going to her butt

he's like a fucking European plug socket he's just going at her with two fucking things two pronged corny like a sideways snake's tongue just going at her so we sat in this very bed

laughing for about 20 minutes at the fort in Nicory pegging me back and then we had sex Because we were both so choked on We did Best sex you've ever had Yep

Just all the way through She's like I wish Nick Cody was here Speaking of Just very quickly We mention Nick Cody a lot On this podcast. So we should.

On the 5th to 10th of December, I'm doing the Soho Theatre at 7.15 every night. During that exact same time at 7.30, Nick Cody is also doing the Soho Theatre. Did you just plug your gig and his gig? Yeah. Was that a two-pin plug? Yeah.

Speaking of two pin flows See if I was you When I just went Yeah so me and Cody Was he? See how nice that was That I laughed at your joke Yeah thanks man

Yeah you're welcome Fucking didn't take much did it? Watch and learn Needy Me and Cody are doing The Zorro Theatre run At the same time And if you like my stand up

And you've never seen Nick Cody before I cannot recommend it enough. He's genuinely one of my all-time favourites. I reckon in 10, 15 years he will be like the Bill Barr of my generation. An all-time great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Easily. And yeah, so you guys are on at different times? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same time? Different rooms, yeah. At different times though? Could you make a night of it? No, no, no.

You have to go to yours one day and his another day. Yeah, come to mine on Monday It's a full run right Yeah yeah So you can We're on all From the Monday through to Saturday So you should definitely come see this

Or come see us in Altitude And I'm going to be Going to see Matilda On the 6th If you want to come Watch me watch that I'm going to the theatre Oh you fucking love it

Is it a musical Matilda I think it is isn't it Yeah Tim Minchin wrote it What did he Aye Tim Minchin did the music So it's apparently It's fucking spectacular Oh Matilda i use my mind i don't know what it is my mind to move some things all right it's just like matilda she was kind of like magneto but just

less of a cunt shows you the difference between when we get superpowers and men get them yeah she used their powers for good right she's just like i've got my i've got magical powers i'm just gonna give that boy some cake and I'm going to fuck over that t-shirt that's been a dick to everyone Magneto's like fuck Mrs. Trunchbull I've got bigger fish

to fry I'm going full holocaust I've got something to sort of bring up to discuss well first of all in the last week's

podcast we added on an extra story because there was as always another humiliating story about your childhood and teenage years what do you mean humiliating Well first of all In the last week's podcast We added on an extra story Because there was As always Another humiliating story About your childhood And teenage years What do you mean humiliating

It's a great story It is You fucking had a great time Throwing your shoes Across the room And not getting It's been a mad night It's been a mad night

Like when Stanley Had his whitey Oh yeah Had a good time If you can think of Any more humiliating stories Because they're always Fun for me

And the fans Obviously Are getting into Sort of The understanding If you can think of any more humiliating stories Because they're always fun for me And the fans obviously Are getting into Sort of the understanding of Why I find you so funny Because you have all these tragic, tragic, tragic stories That people would go to therapy for And you say them like a puppy

That's just eating its own vomit back up Like this is amazing So do you want us to just pull in No, no, just have a think. They come up naturally. Yeah, they come up naturally. I've got a really good story from my Dubai trip. I'm not the victim in this story.

Oh, that's not funny then. You know, I went to Dubai to do a corporate gig for a bunch of Geordies. So you know the Dubai Marathon? Yeah. That is orchestrated essentially by the people that do the Great North Run. So it's all a bunch of Geordies. So you know the Dubai Marathon? That is orchestrated essentially by the people that do the Great North Run. So it's all a bunch of Geordies that go. Now I was out in Dubai doing some gigs and a guy that

does a lot of stuff to do with the press for the marathon asked me if I would come out and entertain these guys in January. So I went back a couple of months later, out in January for the Dubai Marathon, so that I could do an impromptu gig. I was a surprise for them. They didn't know I was going to be there. They just have a meal at the end, and they're going,

oh, we've brought a Geordie comedian along. He's going to entertain you, right? It's got the ingredients, actually, of a terrible gig, right? Yes. You'll agree? Yeah. In the bare mind, it's outdoors. Yeah, it's an audience that don't expect a comedian.

They're no one other than a comedian. They're just having dinner with their pals. And then all of a sudden, hey, look at this dipshit that you don't know. Oh, me. Look at him. You're outdoors. There's no PA system. I'm just doing a loud talk at somebody else's dinner

right but last is a fee I mentioned a fee they said yes and I was like I could have went higher that is the thing just explain to people

how corporates work corporates are awful awful gigs that get medians by and large nine out of ten of them are awful but they just pay you

an astronomical fee and it's we always sit there and be like i've got integrity my integrity doesn't have a price and trust me it absolutely fucking does have a price especially when it comes with flights to dubai and a hotel marlena always uh our agent is always very good like she prices me out of them to the point where if they accept the highest fee she's like this is all good was it Stephen Grant that said

when you're in a corporate just imagine you're at the petrol pump and holding the trigger down and watching the money go up on the petrol grit your teeth and get through because there's a bunch of drunk people

that don't give a shit I did one for Celtic Football Club it was my first ever corporate I went on after the reason they were there like it was an after dinner talk of like the Celtic legend then he he was meant to be on last and he was like oh. I went on after the reason they were there. It was an after dinner talk of this Celtic legend. He was meant to be on last.

And he was like, oh, can I go on before the comedian? And they were like, yeah, sure. So the reason everyone's there goes on stage. And then it's me, 19, in a suit. 400 people stand up and start milling around. And the only person that listened to my entire set was Henrik Larsson, who was sat in the front row. People kept asking him for autographs. And he just kept on being like, no, no, I'm watching the comedy. So

I did like a one-on-one gig to Henrik Larson. Some jokes he loved, but when he didn't like them, he didn't even have the decency to do a fake laugh. He was just like, just staring up at me. I love that you're the Scottish comedian at a Scottish event, and the one Swedish guy is the one that I respect. Oh fun so um so when i got booked for this gig i was like you know what the guy who runs it's a fucking diamond and he's saying that the people that are doing the event are salt of the earth guys and i took his word for it and the money the money was great went out the the thing was great but i was i was a little bit concerned about i might make a fool of myself

at the gig right and then then I'm at the bar two days before the event. Oh, hold on. It's the day before the event. The day before the marathon and the day before the meal where I'm going to be entertaining the guys. And all these Geordies pile into the bar

and they don't know why I'm there. They don't know who I am. I'm just a stranger at the bar but I'm like instantly fucking 40, 50 Geordies in a bar, these must be the guys. So you start a fight. Who I'm going to be entertaining.

And then one of them come to the bar to buy a drink, fucking recognised us, right? And he was like, are you Kai Humphries? And I was like, oh fuck, I'm in the middle of a different country, I've been recognised for my comedy, right?

And I was like, yeah, yeah. And I was like really pleased because I'd been recognised for my stand-up. And he went, yeah, you used to work at Concordia, I'll let you sit down. I was really pleased because I'd been recognised for my stand-up. And he went, yeah, you used to work at Concordia Literature Centre.

I used to work there as well before you started. This guy used to work at Concordia Literature Centre before I went. And when he told me his name, Andy Laidlaw, I was like, oh, fuck. I remember people talking about Andy Laidlaw. Never worked with him, but he was there. And then somebody else come along to work with me. Brother on the roads, because highway maintenance. There's a lot of the highway guys over. So I got integrated into this group, but not as a comedian.

And then one of them clicked on, aren't you a comedian now? And I was like, yep. And they were like, what are you doing in Dubai in January? And I just went, oh, I know your boss. And I just made up, I managed to keep the undercover thing going. Told them that I was just on a holiday, because in January, we've done a lot of work over december january's a little bit of time off your boss uh hooked us up with a cheap deal in the

hotel because it's the one that they're using for the marathon blah blah blah spun a yarn ended up fucking staying out with these guys got absolutely fucking shit faced with them all night right absolutely slaughtered the next morning i was meant to do the 4k fun run as part of like a little press package to do with the marathon do the 4k fun run and do an interview with the i think it was itv actually do something with the press for the website yeah after i was the interview uh i slept in for the fun run in the rang is up saying are you ready for your interview now and i went i went i'm not there i'm not even there i didn't do the fun run they were like oh the story's being picked up they're gonna run it you've let me down.

And they were, fuck my guilt it is, right? And I was like, oh, fuck, well, I'll get there now. I'll just get a sweat on. I don't need to do the run. I just need to have a sweat on. And they were like,

would you do that? And I was like, yeah, sure. So I got in the taxi. So you lied about charity? Hung over as fuck, right? Hung over as fuck. Turned up, right? Got a lanyard put around me neck

got a number put on us I'm in my shorts and t-shirt and then I brought I got brought up to the press office and then just put your own nipple tape on you

put nipple tape on I put one of them nose bands on like Robbie Fowler used to wear just looked the part right and they were like

really impressed that I was still going to get a sweat on and do the interview so I could do the press right so I jumped over the fence and onto the marathon track not the fun run track

the actual marathon track and went to run but then I realised if I run with the marathon runners which was still coming in it was on about the 5 hour mark at this point so there was still runners coming in

I realised if I ran towards the finish line which was just 200 metres up the road I was going to hit a lot of congestion where people are getting their medals

and people are getting their drink stations and stuff so I ran back up the road, I was going to hit a lot of congestion where people are getting their medals and people are getting their drink stations and stuff. So I ran back up the marathon track. Against traffic, like a salmon. Against traffic, like a salmon. You know, salmon that go against traffic. Those old salmon on the M6. I described it the wrong way, mugs.

So here's me, hungover as fuck, right? I've missed the fun run, I've missed me press obligation, and I'm running backwards up a marathon track thinking, what the fuck am I doing with my life and I'm going up and I turn a corner about, this is about half a kilometre up the track, I turn a corner

and there's a big grandstand there full of people, people watching their family and friends coming in from the marathon ride and I'm running backwards up the track like a fucking idiot at a decent pace as well may I add because I'm trying to get a sweat on in a short period of time so I'm sprinting up the track like a fucking idiot at a decent pace as well, may I add, because I'm trying to get a sweat on in a short period of time. So I'm sprinting past the grandstand the wrong way as fucking knackered marathon runners

are coming past us, ducking and dodging out the way. You're just there like, I thought this was like Australia. I thought I had to run the other way around the track. So I felt like a fucking dick. Yeah, looked like one too. Looked like one too in front of a lot of people. And then this guy just went from the middle of the crowd. He went, man, you're running the wrong way.

This like thick American accent. You're running the wrong way. As if I took a wrong turn. And I know what I should have done is turn to this man who was in the middle of a lot of people and just go, what are you like? I'm not doing the run. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

It would have been difficult to explain. Yeah, yeah. I looked like I should have been doing the run. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. It would have been difficult to explain. Yeah, yeah. I looked like I should have been doing the run, right? And all of this is going through my head. And I just went, fuck! And just screamed fuck at the top of my lungs in the middle of the track. Turned on a sixpence and sprinted in the correct direction in front of this grandstand full of people. And I'm just there

amused with myself. I don't know if they get that. I'd done a joke. I don't know if they do it. All I knew is people laughed. He was American. He definitely did not get the joke. I'd give the world a lot of laughter.

I fucking killed with that gag. I don't know if they knew it was a gag or whatever. They thought I was a dick. Joke's a joke. It landed. So I'm amused with myself. I'm looking forward to telling the people in the press office

What's just happened I've got a little anecdote from the morning You know I was in bed fucking 30 minutes ago Now I've got a nice anecdote Wasn't over I get up to the press office Which I said is 200 metres away from the final A lot of the staff that were there

Whatever they were doing Like catering the event Or working in the press office You know people with high visibility jackets on were lining the fences all the way to the thing and started encouraging us. Go on, you're nearly there. They didn't know my predicament either. They just saw

a guy fucking running at a decent pace five hours into a marathon. So God knows, they must have thought I was saving myself. I'm like, I've just got this burst of pace right at the end of the marathon like go on you're nearly there like fucking leaning right

over the fence you start running it backwards just to show off I couldn't let them down man I couldn't let them down

but you already have twice the fucking chariot of fire was playing in my head I mean that wasn't chariot of fire but

sure do you want us to keep going sure so this is playing in my head. I mean, that wasn't Charizard Fire, but sure. Do you want us to keep going? Sure. So this is playing in my head now. I've got all the support from the crowd. I'm going to win. The finish line's insane. Man, I crossed the finish line of that marathon.

They put a medal around me. They put a fucking medal around me neck. They give us a bag with goodies in it. I've got a sea shade. I've got some water. I mean, I haven't got that anymore. I've got some water I mean I haven't got that anymore I've got that downers I was knackered and em

and I went to the press office and I walks in head held high metal run my neck and they just went where the fuck have you been and I stood there in the sun with my shades on

sweating my fucking box off and I'd done that I'd done that press. It's actually on my YouTube channel, if anyone wants to watch the interview. You're lying through your teeth. I haven't even seen it. Have you not? No. It's my YouTube channel, I guess.

It's Pussy Slayer 5000. I think it's Kai Bosch 1000. Oh, dear. K-A-I-B-O-S-H 1000. Do you remember when you started comedy, Marlena made you change your email because you still had your one when you were a teenager? Kai for real 2002. Kai for real, and four with the number four. Remember when you started comedy, Marlena made you change your email because you still had your one when you were a teenager? KaiForReal2002. KaiForReal2002 and four with the number four. I was for real.

People can't handle the truth. But why 2002? Is that just when you made it up? That was when I had done the thing, yeah. That's when I lost my virginity. So yeah, KaiForReal2002. It was actually all me Facebook and Twitter and shit

I mean you're a bad person I'm not I just I just adapt I mean I just adapt to what's in front of us nah I mean

yeah so did the Italians during World War 2 that doesn't make them good I slept in and I was meant to do the press and I managed to still fulfil my obligation I mean can I tell you as well so after after the I slept in and I was meant to do the press and I managed to still fulfil my obligation.

Can I tell you as well? So after the... I'm trying to work out the chronological order of all of this because there was a point as well. I think it was two days after the run that I ended up doing the gig. It wasn't the night of the run, obviously, because they still had a lot of deconstruction to do. The gig was two days later.

Because the next day, I went and played golf with them because they... What, started at the fucking 18th hole? So I'd had such a good night with the boys, that got us so fucking drunk that I couldn't do the fun run. And then because they heard about the story of how I patched it back together, I ended up really good pals with them and having a good laugh with them. I got invited to play golf with them. And the whole time,

they are just telling me stories about each other and they're fucking really fucking funny guys that were giving us like solid stories. You know how someone tells you, oh, you want to hear this about my pal? And you never do. You can get this in one of your skits. It's normally something fucking muggly.

These were telling us like legit funny things. And the whole time, they didn't know I was going to do the gig and I just wrote shit down on each of them and the gig Just become a roast And I just made the Full thing a roast About them

So you half-arsed The marathon And you half-arsed the gig It saved the gig You're a bad person How am I a bad person? You're a terrible person Yeah

Think about what you Did to Gene In last week's episode I think it was last week's episode Think about what you Said about Prosecco I stand by that one You fucking cold-blooded monster

No Well that brings us perfectly into our next game the I love you but which is on tour obviously we never fight we're not fighters

but that's because we've always had this thing of like there's stuff that pisses you off about me and there's loads of stuff that pisses me off about you

but the thing is we never get into the fights because we both know each other's got so much ammunition on each other so it's like you do this yeah well you do this and you do this and you do this we're just like well let's just keep being annoying to each other not mention it but sometimes remember that one time where we snapped at each other and um oh it was in libyana and i had lost my toothbrush and i hadn't we didn't have enough of a turnaround

to get to the gig and my mouth just felt fucking like someone had died in there. Yeah. And like a ton of spunk. My mouth tasted like I'd been fucking bloszing. Bloszing hardcore. Nick Coriana strap on.

Homeless people. I felt like I'd been bloszing homeless people for days and I'm at the gig and then I'm having a little complaint about my plate in tin. The and I'm at the gig and then I'm having a little complaint about my plate in the tin the guy who was running the gig

said I've got a little bit of mouthwash left and he gives it and it was like the tiniest bit of mouthwash and then when I went to the bathroom you didn't know

I'd had that conversation you didn't know I'd picked up the mouthwash you grabbed out my hand and went what's this but you were just being inquisitive but I got territorial

like I was trying to steal my mouthwash I thought because you were holding this little bottle I'm like is that like a tiny little shot bottle because like we're in Ljubljana they like shots so I'm like what's this little adorable thing I've got territory Like I'm trying to steal my mouthwash I thought Because you're just holding this little bottle I'm like Is that like a tiny little shot bottle

Because like we're in Ljubljana They like shots So I'm like What's this little durable thing I've like fucking got my ear bitten off And I scurried into the corner My precious Like you're trying to steal my mouthwash

And you're like I only want to know what it was And you fucking stormed off And I'm just there With my mouthwash Just Swilling my mouth Just fucking eyeballing the mirror

And he's a fucking cunt Trying to steal my mouthwash And Danny's just walking away And he's a fucking cunt trying to steal my mouth flush. Danny's just walking away. Guy, he's a fucking cunt. I only wanted to know what it was. Like we're probably snapping at each other. And then I was genuinely mad at you, but I thought, you know what, I'm going to make him laugh. And I come back in and I just stood next to you for a bit and let the silence hang there. And I just went, sorry for snapping at you before about the mouth flush. next to you for a bit and let the silence hang there

and I just went sorry for snapping at you before about the mouthwash because that's the funniest like I don't think we ever apologise to each other because it's just

so unnecessary it's just going ah you'll fucking get over it eventually so quit being a petulant child sort of thing man I think it's the funniest thing

I can ever do to you is be nice to you it just leaves you so baffled why are you is be nice to you. It just leaves you so baffled. Why are you angry? I brought you a coffee with a little biscuit on the side

in the departure lounge. I brought you a coffee, put it down and there's a little biscuit in case you're feeling naughty. I refuse to drink it. I just walked away like,

the fuck's he done? I can't stand it. It's just, ugh. Anyway, so we've got three gripes uh with which is this is a good couple counts i'm probably listen you got i love you but and then uh which is something that you might not be aware that you do um and have you got three on me i've got millions but i've got three down right shall i go first go on man i love you but if you continue to only eat eggs chickpeas and beans When we stop at petrol stations on long journeys

Knowing full well that your stomach is incapable of handling Anything more complex than porridge and tap water I'll jam the next egg all the way down your gullet Like the fucking snake you are Fuck you're bored about what I'm eating? Because you fart Like my farts Fine, Jean's farts

Your farts when on a good day Don't you dare say Jean farts Don't. Jean's farts, fine. Your farts, when on a good day... Don't you dare say Jean farts. Don't, mate. Maybe they're just questions. She farts out of every orifice. I've had a fart out at you once. It was weird. Like, you know that you've got terrible insides.

Terrible. Like, your farts are so bad to the point where Marlena tried to send you to hospital because she was like, that's not healthy. Well, them smells leaving my body is definitely healthy. If you keep them smells in your body... No, no, I fart, but like... But you keep the smells in.

No, no, no, they still smell. That's how you're so corroded inside. You're so corroded inside, that's how I've got such a beautiful soul because I let all of the toxins out. No, no, no. You just let it build up. No, you just...

Something is wrong with your insides. Now, if I'm in a long car journey, I know you say, oh, you always fart in elevators. I would go, one, that's fucking hilarious. And two, they never actually fucking smell. You, in long car journeys, you just sit there fucking eating three eggs,

just like, what? Like a fucking snake just swallowing them whole. I love that you can buy boiled eggs at Marks and Spencer's. It's one of my favourite things. You normally go into the place like that, and you're like, oh, I'm just going to have to eat Krispy Kremes and fucking Greg's pasties and shit.

And then Marks and Spencer's just gives you a little healthy option. It's tough to live healthy on the road. You're not taking that away from us? No, I am. I'm not trying to take it away. I'm just telling you the repercussions. Well, you know what?

When I fart in the car, you've got to remember I've got these nice new noise-reducing headphones and it sometimes feels like I'm not doing it. Oh, mate, I can't wait for you

to hear the second one. Well, I better fucking hit you where it hurts him better. Where are we? Have I wrote these down? I love you, but if you start road rage again, just because I've got your back, you're spending the rest of the journey in the boot. Man, yesterday, someone indicated to get in

Yeah And you let them in But then you held up a middle finger It was a perfect transaction No no no that one No no no You held up your middle finger Until they noticed

Yeah And I was like You're not going to be the one Dealing with that I know What a prick No it's not my problem We've always said this

You know if someone indicates That's in front of you Yeah That's an indicator Yeah yeah They are not Indicating what they're going to do. They're not asking permission. It's not a permissioner.

Yeah, I fully agree with that. If I'm indicating, I'm getting in that, especially if you're merging, it's called an indicator, not an ask permissioner. That's what's bad. He did that, the reason he was getting a middle finger, because despite he indicated, the reason everyone was in that lane, it was that thing of the closing that lane that lane he knew that lane was gonna he knew for he knew for weeks that was closed and then came down just stuck his nose in and i'm just like there you go that's for you and there's one for your wife but it's what you sticking your middle finger out with people when we're in the car is like you going to the roulette table with my chips yeah and just

gambling with my money but i'm calm i'm confident confident in you I don't know if we've told this story in the podcast we've definitely told it on tour but there was that time in Leicester where the guy

honked at me because I hadn't moved off it was literally the millisecond the thing turned orange traffic light

yeah traffic light turned orange and I rolled down the window and I gave him the finger and we drove around the corner

and he got out of his car and when I just saw he was getting out of his car and I got terrified you got out of the car took off your watch pointed at him and just went get back in your car before i fucking steal it that's but if anything this is your problem because this is a precedent you've

set for and i do agree sometimes like the because i'm not a fighter and i've never been in fights and that's i've grown up knowing how to talk my way out of fights it's like oh no i'm not an arsonist but i like throwing matches i like's like oh no I'm not an arsonist but I like throwing matches I like throwing lit matches but I'm not an arsonist I do but yeah because you're a firefighter do you remember

because sometimes I'll admit I get a bit too cocky with you do you remember that time in Dundee the fucking casino yes so this is

a couple of years ago we're in Dundee now I've got two friends up there was Fraser not up there no no Jordan

Morris no it was Joanne and her flatmate so we went to get drinks I've got two friends up there. Was Fraser not up there? No, no. Jordan? Morris? No, it was Joanne and her flatmate. Oh, yeah. So we went to get drinks because it was late. So we went to the casino. And in the casino, there was a restaurant. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was thinking of a different event.

So there was a queue to the restaurant. And it was like 3 in the morning in a casino. But we just wanted someone to sit down and get some food. And there's three people in front of us. They're like two girls. And they were at the show that night. And there's like three people in front of us are like two girls. And they were at the show that night and they were like, Oh, you guys are out drinking. We're like,

yeah. And the two guys behind them weren't at the show. And they're like, who's that? And they're like, Oh, those are like really famous comedians. And the guys immediately,

their egos been bruised. They're like, no, we've never heard of them. We've never heard of them. Yeah. They started probably, yeah,

Morgan were. Yeah. Alphan were. Yeah. And it was like, Oh yeah, no, we've never heard of you

I'm like well that's Understandable it's fine And the guys were like You should just get straight And go down the front And started being like To women like These guys are celebrities

I'm like no no no no That's absolutely not How this works I will wait in the queue But because they've now Done this on my behalf Like the guys were like Oh you think you can

Just do that I'm like no Literally none of this was Yeah they tried Us like we were being divas But we were just fucking trying to just trying to

trying to pacify the attention that we're getting just trying to live my life so they were like do you want to come in I'm like no no let everyone else go in

like that's not how this works so everyone got into the restaurant we're sat down and with us and Joanna and her mate and the two girls they're sort of still talking

and the guys are sat at the table beside the girls and the guys are just being dicks they're shouting stuff they're loudly talking about uh me and stuff and i'm getting more and more wound up because i'm just trying to live my life i you can see that i'm getting frustrated and you're just like do you want me to go and kick their fucking heads in and i was like no no let's just leave a bit and it's about 20 to 25 minutes of them doing this we've done something really passive-aggressive oh yeah no so basically at

one point i was i finally snapped but i went just cover me and i went up to the girls because they were sat at the table beside them i was like would you girls like a photo and they were like oh yeah we'd love one so i gave you the camera their camera to take the photo and i pushed i pushed the guy's meals to the other side of their table sat down on the table started eating their chips from their fucking plate and they were there and one of them stood up and I went,

just basically, sit back down before I put that plate through your fucking head and I sat on that table for five minutes, ate their food, didn't,

and yeah, that was an absolutely cunny thing to do but I was drunk in the morning, you were there to protect me and these guys had been solid pricks for about 30 minutes.

I do like the situation. I always find these situations amusing because I know I'm not the hardest man in the world. I know there's a lot of people that listen to this podcast that you could beat us in a fight. I'm not that tough but in those situations my heart rate doesn't raise the slightest bit.

Even before a gig when you first start off as a comedian, your heart rate goes up. You're a little bit like that, that nervous tension. Anytime I feel a fight's about to break off, my heart goes, because I'm like, oh God, I don't know what to do in this situation. I don't get a scrap of that. I don't get any of that kind of fear that comes with a conflict. So even though I am fully aware that a lot of people

could probably beat us in a fight, I'm also aware that I'm not that phased by conflict. But that's the thing though is you know I'm like that in kind of usually or not too often it only happens about once or twice a year normally when I'm drunk but that's the precedent you set I am like those gobby girlfriends

that just shout at people and the boyfriends just say I'm the one that's going to get in the fight I'm absolutely her I'm carrying my high heels being like I'm the one that's going to get in the fight I'm absolutely her I'm where I'm carrying my high heels being like you don't know me bitch you fucking just start

running fucking you're like just get in the car get in the taxi get in the fucking taxi Jesus Christ and it's just the inconvenience that would come with it

and as well I can't empathize with the over road rage you get mad on the road for things that wouldn't even be on my radar it's because you don't pay attention. Nah, I'm just so placid when it

comes to people not letting you out or someone cutting in front of you. I'll just shrug and just go, well... Yeah, but you and I are very different drivers. I want to get to the destination and you do 50 or more ways. Yeah, that's because one of us has been through a car window. I've been in a car crash

but it wasn't my fault. Yeah, I've been through a car window before and been in a car crash But it wasn't my fault Yeah I've been through A car window before And it's I'm not keen to do it again I'm never in a hurry On the road Since that Pussy

I'm not scared of fights But you're scared of car crashes You fucking wimp Like I said It's just an inconvenience You just have to deal With all the fucking Admin

Administration Insurance The stitches I love you But if you continue To incorrectly assume That noise cancelling headphones work two ways

and play your Harry Potter book at what I can only assume is a thousand decibels in your ears so that everyone else can hear it like an angst ridden

champ on a fucking bus I'll piss on everything you love and then you'll have to have an awkward conversation with Natalie about why I didn't piss on her

can other people hear it? constantly honest it's so loud It's so loud It's so loud You've got it on full fucking blast Oh because I actually do put it on full blast Full blast

Because I'll be on a plane And people are chatting And fucking babies crying and stuff And I just go And I'm just in my old phone It was like that time you got bored in the cinema And you put it on And the guy in front of us was turning around

And being like Are you playing fucking a book On your fucking iPhone Out loud I mean that What I'm going to say That was dog shit it was

but you still don't get to ruin the experience for other people what was it shame the devil yeah god it was something I'd never even heard of

it was Alexander Sassgaard and that like cop one I can't remember what the fuck it was called but it was shite yeah so I put my book on alright what's your next one I'm really annoyed

about that because I like yeah that's a fucking wavy thing to be annoyed at that I was like making people hear my music I just didn't know that was happening I thought it did work both ways

no it doesn't fuck and everyone can hear it the other thing as well is I understand this is something that everyone does it but it's like

one of the most it's like being in an airport with your dad because I understand it cancels so you clearly lose register of how loud

your voice is but I'll be standing right beside you at the fucking carousel for the fucking luggage to come and you'll just go who's meeting us here

and I'm like I'm right beside you like dang when when when are we being met and I'm like

I'm hungry do you need to pee I need to pee and I'm like he's not autistic he's you need to pee? I need to pee. And I'm like, he's not autistic. He's not. He's not. He's just wearing headphones. Fucking muck.

Natalie was saying that. I'm like, that's special, boy. There's something about Mary. Yeah. Yep. The brother that wears the headphones. Right. Great headphones, though.

Both QC35s. Definitely worthy purchase. There's a little plug there. On a commission. I love you, bud. If you don't start using P's and Q's with people in the

service industry, I'm going to take a shit in your suit myself. Oh, yeah, yeah. You have got terrible manners. Why? How?

When? I don't think you've ever said please when ordering a meal. I don't think you've ever said thank you when it arrives and you'll eyeball

the waitress the minute you've had the last morsel so that the bill arrives. Yeah. You're just not a person. They're not a person. You're having a transaction with a machine and you look at them like it's saying loading when they're busy.

I'll disagree. I do say thank you. I definitely say thank you, but I just... I'll absolutely say thank you. I'll disagree with that. I probably don't say please and that's just because I'm like... Like what? Because you disagree with that I probably don't say please and that's just because I'm like like what because you're a robot like you don't say please

and thank you to a cash point but they still do the same thing it's like you think well why do I need to cater for your ego for you to make serve my meal but that's just a person

that's at work just say please to them you're still asking them to do something for you and they're doing something for you so just showing a little bit of gratitude verbally but I'm paying them yeah and they say thank you when you give

them the bill again i say thank you as well and say have a nice day but i'm not saying i'm not begging for my fucking food i'm giving you money for it like oh please please can i have the food oh and take my money as well nah one or the other give me it for free and i'll say please i just think for someone that hates London, you hate London because of how much it lacks humanity and how unfriendly it is,

the place. You fit in here perfectly. No, there's no way I hate London. I just hate London because it's just, I don't like massive

cities. It's just like everything's... You live in Edinburgh. Yeah, it's not a massive city though. It's a capital.

Yeah, London has the population of the whole of Scotland more than the population of the whole of Scotland. I Yeah it's not a massive city It's a capital Yeah London has the population Of the whole of Scotland More than the population Of the whole of Scotland Yes I suppose it's that Oh yeah if you want to bring facts You know if you walk down

Fucking the main street It's going to be just as dense But there's also sometimes Like for me And again we've discussed this The amount of restaurants we go to Sometimes I don't want Human interaction

Like I've had so much During the day And sometimes The reason I do it, and although it does come off as a Christmas root, because if you're too nice, then they stay for an extra five minutes. Like, I don't want to have a conversation with you. Hi, how's your day?

None of your fucking business. None of your business how my day is. I came in here for a meal. Yeah, we are in a bizarre situation where when we go to a restaurant, it's out of necessity. We would really much rather just be in the kitchen alone, fucking buttering a slice of bread

to make a sandwich we can't do that we can't because like there is so many times like constantly because you've just got to be on

and you know I'll admit sometimes friendliness takes my effort like when we do the hugs and stuff after the fucking show like that's a lot of high energy

keeping because I've got rest and bitch face constantly so I've got to counteract that rest and bitch face for like an hour and even though that is a lot of high energy keeping because I've got rest and bitch face constantly so I've got to counteract that rest and bitch face for like an hour and even though

that is a very real thing as well because you are that disposition if you don't want to say please and thank you you just want to be very fucking mechanical about every transaction

because you realise that you've got a profile and these people are like buying tickets to see you you actually fucking have to switch it on for them I do and I'm like

oh this guy's a fucking animal. He's a fake cunt. I just... Well, no, because you can't. Because I feel like with people who've come to the show and stuff, no matter how fucking tired I am, they've been excited about this for weeks. They've put the effort of...

Like, I've met people who I really liked and they were just sort of... They brushed me off in the same way that I might brush off waitresses and i made a one of them did you not watch the hound from game of thrones brush someone off you were about to approach him for a photo and then someone asked him for a photo yeah and he shunned them oh yeah he was in an airport yeah admittedly we had a delayed flight and he landed in emirates and was like can you get a photo he was like no and just stormed off and i was like and i fully understood where he was coming from but like he didn't have to look at the guy's face after he left yeah so i was just like that's why i always make sure like

gene always says whenever i'm drunk or shit faced if i'm out in a club or whatever you know even if i'm angry me and her have been like having arguments and if someone goes are you daniel sloss i'll just suddenly go yeah hey how you doing yeah you instantly protect your rep you put the rep protection defense on but it's not even whereas whereas when you're just in your day to day life like what happens if the person that you stick the middle finger up

looks and goes oh I fucking love Daniel Sloss why has he been a dick oh I've been to six of his shows he always takes a photo with us

now he's given us a middle finger because I indicated him nah but he nah that guy was a dick that guy was like I would've I would've

because I'm also the thing I'll have a confrontation with you and then sort it out with you like if you get your grouts with me I'll have a confrontation with you and then sort it out with you. Like,

if you get your grouts with me, I'll have my grouts with you. You're not an enemy for life. It was like that Twitter fucking spat we had the other day with that guy. I ended up, I was horrible to him, he was horrible to me.

We got through it together and then we ended it sort of amicably. Yeah. I've always got that thing of like, confrontation, I'll stay with it till the end. I'm always just scared of like,

if you turn this into a fucking fight, we can solve this, like, man, but like this is it's my same thing with taxi drivers how's your day none of your goddamn business i didn't get in here for a fucking conversation yeah i think that is just a side effect of being road weary i think if you're if your experience with taxis was just every now and again you needed to get somewhere yeah but the fact that you're in taxis a lot you just kind somewhere. But the fact that you're in taxis a lot, you just kind of want it. And the fact that you're in restaurants a lot, you just want to get your head down,

have your meal, and not have to deal with people. Yeah, I've been on the road. I've not been on my phone. I want to catch up on my emails. I want to fucking, I've got like so many WhatsApp notifications today. Hey, so can I talk you through our specials?

Nope. No, you can't. Like, I'm sorry. I'm just not, I'm not in the mood. A lot of the trimmings that make a restaurant good for a person that'll just go casually as an event are things that really start grinding you

when you're just trying to eat. Yeah. Right. I love you, but if you take my iPhone off charge when it's not done charging, I'll beat you into a coma, and when the doctor says he only has a 7% chance of dying, I'll pull the plug,

because apparently that's fucking acceptable now. Should I tell you my very valid argument with this? pull the plug because apparently that's fucking acceptable now. Should I tell you my very valid argument with this? It's your charger. It's my fucking charger, dude. If I'm on 9% and you're on 54% on my charger, fucking rules better off. But I would argue that that has only been true... I honestly don't mind sharing my charger

to the point that I bought this battery pack specifically because it had two USBs on so that you could use it too but you fucking just unplug mine still yeah race you

huh race you because I've got that shitty thing now with the iPhone I think you had it a couple of iPhones ago you know when it just goes

from 30 to be like I'm dead now oh it's the worst I'm dead now bye and you're like no no no you're on 30

he's like nah dead so it's at the stage where I just have to fucking constantly have it on charge. And admittedly, yeah, I do take your one, and it has been in the past two weeks because I've lost my charges. I've been using yours. But I would argue that historically we're probably even for it. No, I'm normally pretty solid with charges.

I'll check the charge. I think you were on like 54 when you had a little spat your dummy the other day because that because that means it's only on 21 and as well

you've lost so much this tour oh Jesus you've lost so much this tour but every time I think I've lost something you act like I'm being a dick

so you're like there's been a couple of occasions where I thought I've lost my passport do you know the other day I had this house upside down because I'd lost my passport I'm looking what's in your pocket I'm doing my visa registration right I've lost my passport do you know the other day I had this house upside down because I'd lost my passport I'm looking

what's in your pocket I'm doing my visa registration right I've got all my visa papers down on the table I've got my laptop down I'm going through all the thing it asks for my passport number

and then I'm looking all over the house I ended up taking every cushion off every couch right and stacking them up just so that I could get down every crevice

of the couch had the fucking house upside down right give up on it I'm texting Natalie the whole time she's like have you checked your pajama pocket?

Like, first thing I checked. And then, I went and just thought, well, I wonder what I'll second fill in. I'll try and sort out this passport situation, but I'll pick the forms

that was underneath me forms. Done that. But I do that a lot and you get so annoyed that I do this. Yeah. But you've lost a Kindle. Yeah.

A vape. Yeah. Numerous chargers. One. But you've lost a kindle yeah a vape yeah numerous charges one but you've lost one and one broke things uh you've looked because you've borrowed my usb oh yeah and you've lost yeah yeah but my thing is like my argument's always been that whenever i lose something i go have you seen this thing and i'll and you'll go no and then i'll run through my head and i'll be like okay i'll look at all the places it is and i'll just, no, and then I'll run through my head, and I'll be like, and I'll look at all the places it is, and I'll just go, ah, fuck, it is lost, and then I'll move on, whereas yours is,

you're like, Gene, one second of, like, I've lost my thing, and I'm like, just check your pockets. It's like the thing you... But the fact that I'll have this there, like, oh, my God, I've lost something, this is everybody's problem now, we need to find it, that is the reason I haven't lost as much as you have. Maybe it's if you just fucking swallowed your pride and went, Kai, let's try and find me Kindle.

You'd probably save 80 quid on buying a new Kindle. No, I think you've just got to hire your standards for what lost is. Like, you've really got to hire... Because for me, lost is, it's not here. Yours is, it's not in the eyeline of my left eye. But you know what feels amazing? It always, always shows up. Because it's not here yours is it's not in the eye line of my left eye but you know

it feels amazing it always always shows up because it's never lost imagine having the feeling of something's lost and then

finding it I go through that like several times per day that's why I'm so happy we're only on 44 we should get

into Muggle Corner quickly oh no you've got one more to do I love your bird being one minute late for something doesn't constitute

for being late and if you treat this such again I'm going to wish upon a star that the last girl you focus late on a period man i'll be like waiting for the lift like on time waiting for the lift it's like 30 seconds past the hour and i'll have a text obviously in late right i'm like no that's not late it is you want to know what late is it's's not 30 seconds. It's not the minute it takes. I reckon you've got like a buffer for about five minutes either side. You can be like a little bit early.

You can be a little bit late. I would agree with the buffer but as I've said before, the buffer depends on proximity. Like if you, if I'm, if like, if I was on the other side of London today,

you're, I wasn't annoyed today because my phone was down. I couldn't get in the flat and I was like, ah, this is my fucking problem. I texted being I'm outside. Just stood there on my phone. I was fine. Like in the flat and I was like this is my fucking problem I texted you being on my outside

just stood there on my phone I was fine like that was a five minute leeway there that was absolute fair because proximity right every time you're late

I'm like we're in the same hotel like it's downstairs in the lobby like it's just at 5-2 you just go down barely because the guys are always early

we're in the same hotel we've been given an hour to go change around I'll fucking have a workout I'll get showered I'll pack my bag with the stuff I need I'm like I'm'm gonna make sure i've done all of that before i think oh shit danny's gonna be mad if i'm 30 seconds late i better leave my phone charger

plugged in because i haven't got time to get it 30 seconds but again i would let it go if i thought the whole time if you're like if i'm like god he's running around upstairs to get everything together i know you're on your arse i know you're on your arse on your phone i was like that's time usese. I know you're on your arse on your phone. I was like, that's time. Use the time that you're just on your arse on your phone to get all your shit together

and then come downstairs and be in your phone downstairs. Your text is going, you're late. And I'll reply to you saying, guess which one of us gives a fuck? Paulius?

All the people that you've left waiting downstairs? I've never missed anything. Lateness is one of my biggest fucking gripes. Yeah, but you've really got to relax what you consider to be late. Oh no. If I'm booked for a 20 minute gripes. Yeah, but you've really got to relax what you

consider to be late. Oh no. Like if I'm booked for a 20 minute spot at a gig, right, and then they complain that I overran because I did 20 minutes and 30

seconds, I would be like, did I fuck overran? I landed within the fucking bracket, right? But if I do 26 minutes, they've got a point.

Oh right, I'll start being late for everything, so you like it. Oh, if it's 30 seconds, as well. I'll just sit in the lobby Just playing on my phone

Waiting for you Not even waiting for you Like just You'll show up and go Oh there we go Yeah But the thing is I won't be there going

Yes Daniel Because I'm not late Because I'm always there at 5 I'm always there on the dot Right Muggles Hi then Muggles This is one from Brian Petty on Twitter

Muggles say Ah the joys Brian Petty on Twitter Muggles say Ah the joys, ironically When it's like shitty weather Like what's that That's got to have a broader classification Because that is A trait of something What is it, ah the joys

It's like shit sarcasm when something's blatantly shit Sarcasm is, don't get me wrong It's very funny But it's got to be a bit more cleverer than like oh nice weather for ducks like it's all the choice oh but people go oh that'd be lovely and you're like what are you seven years old like that's your level of sarcasm either be very good at sarcasm or just don't participate low level. Yes. I think like most references to the weather

are pretty lame. Yeah, but we've already covered Yeah, well all the joys. Like I think the joys also refer to like if you ever see

like whenever a kid's thrown off a fucking tantrum in a supermarket and they're like oh the joys of children. Go on, just throw your kid out. Don't have

there was a guy brought a child in swimming when I worked at the swimming pool. I was a lifeguard, right? The child must have been about two years old and toddled all the way around the outside of the pool and he kept going to pick stuff up that he wasn't allowed to... And, you know, like the lifeguard boys and the ropes and stuff, he was going to play with them

and the dad's near him and telling him not to but not grabbing his kid and moving him. And he'd done a full lap of the pool following this toddler and I'm watching this fucking shit dad all the way around the pool and then he looked up at me and went never have kids

and I felt like grabbing him by the face and go speak for your fucking self you daft cunt because I'd be way better than that you know you're always to touch your own kid

that doesn't make you a paedophile you mean nonsense I don't know if you can fucking stop him from you fucking go all the way around the pub and be like, can't be mad, not touching, can't be mad, not touching. Not touching, can't be a nonce.

Not touching, can't be a nonce. Oh, the joys of parenting. Alright, so... Oh, the joys. Oh, I'm having a good time, but I'm not. That's what this thing... I'm announcing to the world that I'm not having a good time, but I'm pretending I am. I'm having a good time. because I'm a brave old sowel

yeah now what's yours Muggle Corner this is another one from Twitter a fucking great suggestion I didn't write down the name though so you know who you are if you hear this

it's the people that post the Facebook status with a picture of an Xbox game like FIFA or Call of Duty alongside a letter off their girlfriend saying there's beers in the fridge

I'm going to be in the room staying out the way enjoy playing the FIFA and all that like oh you pair of fucking muggles one with first scenario your girlfriend didn't do that and you're trying to project like she did so that you get some shares on facebook absolutely right yep two stop celebrating not being whipped it should be expected yeah it should be expected not to be whipped like, oh, my girlfriend let me play FIFA and bought me a drink. Oh, your life sounds amazing. Just play FIFA if you want.

Get a drink if you want. Fuck, she can do the same. If she wants to play FIFA and get a drink, tell her to knock herself out. You saw two people who were fucking disgusted a million times stop being fucking whipped and celebrating not being whipped. Yeah, it's bragging about lowest level expectations. Like, I came home and the boy had cooked me dinner because I was stressed at work. Boy did her. Yeah, yeah, just, yeah, it's bragging about lowest level expectations. Like,

no, I came home when the boy had cooked me dinner because I was stressed at work. Boy did good. Yeah, boy did, yeah. You're there to amplify each other's lives. You're there to make each other's lives better.

That's what the fucking bond is. That's what the relationship is. You're making her life better. She's making your life better. And if you're not making each other's lives better, get rid of each other. What the fuck are you doing? Like,

why are you showing it off? Yep, I fully agree. So, thank you for that suggestion. I'm glad we got it deconstructed because even when I read that, I was like, that is muggly, but there's something more than that. And it is that celebration of not being whipped.

Yeah. It is that, like, you've got a routine about your friend having a garage and he's like, oh, this is where I go to get away. And you're like, get away from, like, home. She's giving me my man cave. Yeah, she's giving me a place where I can call my own. I'm like, you should be able to call it all your own and hers it's a

fridge in the garage you got a fucking fridge in the house like yeah it's just the the yeah the territorial stuff and like oh it's like the people that go yeah i might come out very loud it's got to get permission from the last no you don't no you do not go out be your own fucking person yeah i also should explain just in case anyone hasn't listened to this before Muggle Corner very quickly

is when as you've just heard we discuss muggly plain things that boring people do behaviour patterns that are common

that are a common thread and you see them around and you look at it and go that needs fixing yeah you get annoyed but you can't really work out why

we work out why you're annoyed by it and if everyone's guilty of them as we've discussed we're guilty of a lot of things you have to go

stand in Muggle Corner for 30 seconds and none of this makes you a bad person you're just slipping into some patterns that you could probably

do without this is one from Twitter as well I cannot remember your name Sozbe is adults who, and she admitted to being guilty of this,

so that's a good, again, another good sign. Aware of your own muggliness. Adults who buy, like, Happy Meals or Kinder Eggs. Like, just, no, I don't do either of these things, but it's totally, it's just one of those little, it's another, oh, I'm quirky. I'm ironic. Yeah, you're just being cool, like, oh, yeah'm quirky. I'm ironic. Yeah, just being cool.

Like, oh, yeah, I just love the toys. No, you don't. No, that's... You are... You don't love the toys. You love the idea of being perceived as loving the toys. The toys don't bring you any joy. People thinking you love toys brings you joy.

Oh, you're so... You're lying in bed being like, oh, everyone thinks I love Kinder Eggs. Oh, they might be gifts. It's my thing. They think I'm like a child they probably all talk about how adorable I am cookie I just quite like Phoebe from Friends

if you have any trait that is like Phoebe from Friends get in the corner for the rest of your life until you starve to death that is ugh yeah so this one it was suggested on Twitter

but it's been on my mind and I've been wanting to bring this up and I think I'm going to meet some resistance probably a similar resistance to you trying to put Prosecco in Muggle Corner

where it belongs but I think Christmas is like a big almost like a Muggle immunity blanket just because you say it's Christmas everyone's just like

right let's crank up the Muggle it's Christmas pulling on matching jumpers and shit and just like getting excited over adverts and

I think it because you hate Christmas you're a proper Grinch yeah I think so you're a proper Grinch I like the idea of everyone's got time off we can do stuff

I even I just I think the whole corporate side of it's took over I think I like Christmas as a kid I feel like you're just getting the magic if it was there

the magic has been sucked out of Christmas see I feel you cake I feel like you're just getting the magic if it was there the magic has been sucked out of Christmas see I feel like I feel like you're just getting the corporate side of Christmas because I agree with you fully there are so many things where it is a muggle immunity blanket where I'll do it

I'll sit there in a fucking Christmas I'll sit there in a fucking Christmas joke you'll pull a crack eye you'll read out the joke I'll sip my hot chocolate we'll fucking we'll play party games

but the whole time there I'm like this is full muggly but I'm there with like it's my family it's my mum my dad my brothers Jean there's my

extended family all my aunts and uncles the people that you don't spend time with all year round because you've got nothing in common no no no you can see them any day

no no not with this job no no no this is true it is right everyone's got time off work yeah there's absolutely me and my family

get together about three times a year and all those other things are equally like we celebrate Easter but we're not celebrating Easter we're just like kids are on holidays

people have time off work now we can do this fucking thing together it is cool that everyone gets time off together I do like that I just feel like it's oh I love the Christmas tree

I love the songs every year me and Gene put up with the Christmas trees we sit there drinking hot chocolate watching the Santa Claus with Tim Allen seen it a thousand times I just feel like it's... Oh, I love the Christmas tree. I love the songs. Every year, me and Gene put up with the Christmas trees. We said they're drinking hot chocolate, watching the Santa Claus with Tim Allen, seen it a thousand times. Being in it when it's cosy, when it's snowing outside.

Oh, mate. I love it. Let the muggle wash over me. It is ultimate muggle, is Christmas, but it's acceptable. You've got muggle immunity over Christmas. Yeah, I do agree. I think it is a time when just... Don't stand in the corner for celebrating christmas yeah yeah yeah like unless you believe in jesus bring this up and say oh if you celebrate christmas you're a muggle i am getting

practically everyone oh yeah everyone everyone like it's just yeah even people of different religions celebrate christmas because they've got time off at the same time as everybody else so what i'm saying is you don't stand in the corner celebrate being celebrate christmas right but you understand it is super muggly you saying like you're always like yeah but why do you celebrate christmas you're not even religious you have sex and you're not trying for kids like it can be fun without the intention like it's such a if i'm not allowed to celebrate christmas christmas give me an orgasm I wouldn't give a fuck about the religion Like

But that's what it is I'm trying for orgasms Nah It's It's It's Like I'm not doing it for the original thing

I just enjoy the whole thing of it Like it is I'm very happy with that analogy Actually Yeah it is good Like Nobody's Nobody's having sex to have kids

Well I mean some people are But they're all muggles Muggles You're having sex to have kids Well I mean some people are but they're all muggles Muggles? You're having sex to have a kid you fucking muggle You're probably just coming back full circle So Christmas You're not in the corner but I'm just bringing it there For awareness that we're all going to act like muggles

For a good two weeks Like a solid two weeks you're just going to be analytical About how muggle you are Was there not that other edition that that guy gave about the the other christmas particular thing oh hold on the engagements on christmas yeah super muggles like i think my girlfriend would be furious if i proposed on christmas yeah she'd be like oh what were those guys oh really oh now i have to put a fucking picture of a fucking ring that's too tight for my sausage finger

on Facebook which Natalie that was not a dig at your fingers you've got beautiful slender fingers however specific random muggle

who play this game the ring's always a little bit too tight you know fine yeah just then again

can you really do exercise for your fingers like if you know you're getting engaged can you just do loads of like hand press ups nah you should just probably get a ring the right size and light yourself Can you really do exercise for your fingers? Like, if you know you're getting engaged, can you just do loads of, like, hand press-ups?

Nah, you should just probably get a ring the right size and lie to yourself. Yeah, that's not... Yeah, who's lying about their ring size? Like, I understand that, you know, sometimes women want to, you know, fit into certain types of clothes and stuff. There's no shame about not... Just a ring that fits will be nice.

Yeah, don't do... They don't buy it either It's like the boyfriend projecting that on them How big is your girlfriend's finger? I don't know It's about the same size as my asshole Get your asshole out for the jeweler It fits perfectly in there

Not too Making a proposal on New Year Or their birthday I fit perfectly in there. Not two, not two. Yeah, I totally, because yeah, making a proposal on like a, on like New Year or their birthday, it's just like, it's a special occasion. I'm not the least romantic person in the world, but I'm like,

it's already a special occasion if you're proposing. Like how terrified of you of the rejection of being told no or like not making the moment magical enough that you need to like hijack the magical moment of something else. of the rejection of being told no, or not making the moment magical enough, that you need to hijack the magical moment of something else, like the hype of New Year, or the excitement of their birthday.

Somebody else's wedding. Yeah. Oh, God. Has anyone ever proposed to someone else's wedding and just stole the thunder from that day? Man, I bet they have. I've never experienced it, but I reckon that is the highest level of cuntery. Like someone at someone else's wedding,

you propose, you're a sack of shit. That's not even muggly. That's a level of cold-bloodedness that only I'm capable of. Because I totally would do that at your wedding, even if I don't have a car. You 100% would. Oh, I absolutely would.

Even if you weren't going out with anyone. Yeah. Proposed to Natalie. To Natalie. But while you're doing your vows I'm like baby baby

forever hold your peace yeah hold your peace look I don't think you sound who the fuck is that guy look Natalie I'm not going to treat you better than he does but at least

I don't think you sound like an unoiled door like when you're having sex on this bed And it's squeaking Do you just think it's Natalie making all the noise? Dirty talk Talk dirty of me yeah

Squeaky bed It's like a dog's chew toy Down there Do you know what I mean? Muggles have like On their Facebook or their Twitter Add me on Snapchat Like it's on Tinder I know you're not on Tinder

But like in the bios, I like funny bios Tinder's like your face And you get that across But if you can make me laugh in your bio I'm like there you go good you got a good personality my sign I will instantly say

no matter how hot you are if you have your Snapchat thing in Tinder I'm like muggle as fuck like that's a form of interaction you want to have with someone

you don't want to talk to them you want to send 10 second videos of you looking like a fucking dog with roses on your head like that's your that's your selling point that you're like oh how dog with roses on your head. Like, that's your selling point.

That you're like, oh, how cool is... Nah. Ridiculous. Snapchat, I deleted that anyway because it was so fucking muggly. Because it kept sending you dick pics.

Because Grant McHenry, one of our friends, kept sending us pictures of his beer. Like, I want to see your beer. I just took up some of my day with a picture of your pint. You fucking muggle. One of my friends, Sarah, who I yeah you fucking muggle one of my friends

Sarah who I love dearly I had to delete her on the snapchat just because it'd be like it'd be like she'd be about to go out for a jog

and she'd be like just going for a jog I didn't ask yeah a lot of that I felt like I was being forced into people's lives lives where like

the real ultra muggle stuff of like meals, pints gym workouts all that shit And also Because there was Some girls who I used to

Bump uglies with Because by that I mean They were ugly And you used to bump them Yeah They used to send us Like fucking Naughty pictures on Snapchat

And I felt like It was inappropriate I've got a girlfriend I was just like Every now and again I'd just be Opening a picture Of someone in their underwear

And I'm not flattering myself in thinking that was just for me. Yeah, that was... I think they were like superposers that were like sending a blanket to a lot of people. Yeah. You know,

like they're probably posy photos because, you know, when you go with a girl, when you're single, you go with a girl, that's a model, but by model,

I mean knows a guy with a camera in a garage. Like an open spot model. So they're like superposers and I was getting like superposer photos in underwear and I was like yeah

I'm getting like muggle stuff and I'm getting inappropriate photos I should probably get rid of see that's why people will be like

why don't you just delete snapchat I'm like because I'm not in a relationship and I don't mind those inappropriate photos every now and again

oh yeah I mean I still fucking screenshot them and send them to you I'll give them to someone that can use them. Someone lonely. Someone lonely

might like these photos and I'm like, bosh. Just to clarify, Natalie, that is not true. I'll just dig Kai out of this

massive grave he's dug himself. What's your final one? What's not true? The photos I was getting on Snapchat. No, you didn't send them to me.

Oh no, I didn't. Yeah, that's the bit that was true. He dragged us both down screaming into a bit but there was no punchline so it just sounded like an admission i was like hold on hold on you've shot the bottom in this ship and you're kicking my bucket away i was just trying to make you out to be lonely that you need naked photos to get through the evenings i do and if you want to send me naked photos add me on snapchat you can work out what my name is on Snapchat Pussy Galore 420

So we're running short on time now I don't think this needs much discussion It's quite an obvious one But moguls fall for clickbait Oh you'll not believe what happens next I don't give a fuck what happens next I can see the sponsor I can see the word sponsor on anything

I can see the photo is fucking ambiguous Who the fuck is Oh you've got me here I've got to You've piqued my interest. It's a cliffhanger of an advert, this one. What does happen now? Hover the cursor.

Could it be clickbait? This guy sits in a bath of chilli. What happens next will surprise you. Does he sit in a bath of chilli and it's unpleasant? Yeah, yeah. All clickbait feels like a child. It's like children trying to tell you interesting stories. I saw, you never could guess what happened at school today.

So we were there and there was a hedgehog outside. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, did someone pick up the hedgehog? No. He's right. So, there's a hedgehog. The teacher told us not to touch the hedgehog. Did you just tell him if you touched the hedgehog? So, to me, it's James. And his mum says, did you touch the hedgehog?

Did you touch the fucking hedgehog? Tell me what happened next! Yeah, he touched the hedgehog. Oh, well, like, did you touch the fucking hedgehog? Tell me what happened next. Yeah, touch the hedgehog. Oh, you've wasted five minutes of my life with your shit. I remember there was one about Rihanna,

like leaked photos of Rihanna and it was clearly clickbait. But what it was doing is like fucking create a virus on your Facebook so that like you reposted it. So anyone that reposted it, like you had to share it. I think it was the fact

that you had to share it so you could open it and people wanted the pictures of Rihanna so bad that they were making a mug of themselves by sharing it. Oh, it was just them marking them. They might as well have just got a giant muggle stamp and put it on their fucking head. You can't even have a wank without catching a virus.

Right, finally on to your dad jokes. Your dad cracked a great dad joke the other day. He was on loudspeaker in the car oh i don't even think he knew he had an audience it was just for you it was a dad joke just for you it was a properly good one yeah it was driving the car and we're renting a car that's got bluetooth speaker so he phones and it comes to the speaker i'm like hey dad he's like where are you and i'm like uh oh are you at home and i was like no no i'm driving Why? And he goes, oh, there's loads of traffic in Edinburgh and I don't want to sit in it.

I was just going to come round to your house and just hang out for a bit. And I was like, no, no, no, I'm in Bristol and I'm not going to be home until Friday. And he was like, I don't think traffic's that bad. Proper good joke, Martin Sloss there. Right, your dad jokes. I'm not holding back on you, Martin.

Your dad wanks in his mittens before he wears them your dad sits on his left hand for five minutes so when he picks his nose it feels like someone else is doing it uh your dad's list of three celebrities he's allowed to cheat on your mom with are lassie miss pac-man and me you yeah your dad plays guitar hero with a control pad Pac-Man and me. You? Yeah. Your dad plays Guitar Hero with a control pad. Your dad brushes his teeth with a toilet brush. Your dad's car has a choke.

A what? A choke. For the revs on the engine there's like a choke underneath. Oh, to make all the cool noises. Your dad's job is to clean the bottom of the swimming pool by licking it when it's full. Your dad's job is to clean the bottom of the swimming pool by licking it when it's full.

Your dad's... Your dad sits on his cock for five minutes so it feels like he's wanking someone else off. It's a good shout out to Mark. Your cock's big enough to sit on. When Kyle wants to do that, he makes me sit in his lap. Doesn't need the wank after. Someone else is doing it your dad thinks

his star sign is the sun your dad uses his neck I can't I chop up lanes and meow meow good boys your dad told your mum

he was having an affair and when she asked who with he said you don't know or she goes to a different school. Your dad's a 2.4 on Hot or Not.

Your dad straightens his pubes with an iron. A 7 iron. Dangerous. Your dad goes to the deaf screens Of movies with the subtitles on So that he can sing along to the script Really ruined Schindler's List For all those people I mean the deaf so they can't hear it

Your dad tips the parking tent Your dad always talks about Putting bubble bath in the water But never had the bottle to do it Your dad runs around the beach And brightening chips Out of people's hands like a seagull Your dad keeps his phone

In the top pocket of his shirt Your dad asks for a sticker Whenever he's been for a prostate exam Your dad makes his own lemonade And sells it at a passers-by From the front gate With the L backwards Right

We are on tour You fucking cunts By the time this goes out It will be We'll be on our way to Blythe On Monday So Blythe is We've got a lot of listeners

From my hometown Because they're The majority of the only people That can understand What I say when I'm drunk Yep So while they're listening to this. We're on the way.

We're on the road to you. All the way from Brighton. We've got a seven-hour drive to get there. It's going to have a real sense of event. Yeah, so... Sold out. You can't have tickets for that. You can't for Bedlington the next day, tomorrow,

if you listen to this on the day of release. We're in Bedlington on Tuesday. And then Ashington is sold out. And then on Thursday, we will be at Liverpool Slaughterhouse where we have tapped up Paddy Pimblitt on Twitter

who we've become a big fan of an MMA fighter who's really kicking arse in the UK scene at the minute a hot tip

for the UFC which if you know us you know we're big fans of the UFC so we're big fans of him we got in touch with him asked him to come to the gig so we should be hanging out

with Paddy Pimblitt fucking Paddy the Baddie and then on the 26th of november we will be in inverness eden court that is almost sold out get on that very quickly same goes for aberdeen lemon tree on the 27th is uh i think there's only like 10 tickets left for that so get in there and then a couple days off and then on the first we are in Southend at the Palace Theatre 12th sorry 2nd of December

we'll be back podcasting by then yeah if you want the full tour list to see when we're passing through your area go to

www.kaihumphries.com where we've got all of the tour dates and get us on Twitter at Daniel underscore Sloss I think it's just

Daniel Sloss I don't know you'll find us on Twitter you know our names Muggins and Cream yeah if you enjoyed the podcast share it with your friends

get more people again just another thank you like we're genuinely surprised by the amount of fucking feedback we're getting on this please keep suggesting in your muggle corners

and any other stuff you want to discuss on it and for the double plug go watch Nick Corey in Soho Theatre go watch the bearded master himself sweet go fuck yourselves

bye