Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.16 Muggles With Attitude

Episode Date: November 24, 2016

In deepest darkest Ashganistan (Ashington) the the duo spin their words from the Punch-Drunk HQ. Cream tells of his run in with the law while Muggins cries from his nose. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? All right, we're going.

Shame on a muggle for trying to run game on a muggle. Why? Why? Why? Because it was there to be taken. Yeah, but there was... It was there to be taken, you think? Yeah, but it was left there for a reason.

It just hadn't been discovered yet? No, it was like a sandwich on the road like out of the packet I can sing all of my favourite songs now I mean I really feel yeah keep going

go on it makes you happy okay what do you want more well I don't but I feel like you want to do more I thought it was there

to be taken I thought it was fucking right for the picking you thought they were my favourite songs we're back with another episode of

sloss and topfrees on the road muggins and cream in your ears in your ears speaking of which your brother got us made up the big ass

muggins and cream posters oh they were so good for the gigs we're down in Newcastle Blythe whatever

fuck that area the north east Northumberland yeah that's Newcastle it's all leafy area the North East Northumberland yeah that's Newcastle it's all leafy Northumberland we're done doing the gigs that Kai normally runs

and there's two big banners of me and Kai dressed up as Conor McGregor got the tattoos on and on yours you've been photoshopped into the two belts

that wasn't photoshopped it wasn't I don't know why one of them was just fucking Ben Shaman the other one was FC UK Round my neck while I'm wanking One round your wrist while you're jacking heroin

Yeah jacking heroin and jacking off One belt round your wrist One belt round your neck We call it double jacking If you have double jacked Please tweet us This week started off with double jacking. If you have double jacked, please tweet us. Nat Kai Humphries and Nat Daniel Jamie Sloss. Yeah, so this week started off with double jacking.

Last week started off with double pegging with Nick Cuddy. Speaking of which, we watched his special because you hadn't seen his hour-long special. I've gigged with him tons, so I've seen how brilliant he is, but it was just nice to fucking sit down

and watch an hour of his stuff. Nick Cuddy's just recorded a new special, so we were watching his old one. tons so I've seen how brilliant he is but it was just nice to fucking sit down and watch an hour of his stuff like in DVD Nick Cuddy's just recorded a new special so we were watching his old one which is available on his website

and it's so fucking funny so good I think it's one of my favourites it was really high as well it's such a good

special to watch when you're stoned because like a lot of his humour I find in the turn of phrase and like throwaway remarks and just the way he says stuff I just think you appreciate them so much more when you're stoned because like a lot of his humour I find is in the turn of phrase and like throw away remarks

and just the way he says stuff and I just think you'll appreciate that so much more when you're high I think yeah when you're high it can either really heighten your experience

or something for comedy I find Weed's good to watch but like there's but it's an amplifier though like if you're watching bad comedy Weed makes it like

way worse yeah like when we watched Jamie Foxx's old special. Oh, Jesus. Can you remember the name of it? Ah, was it? He had a catchphrase.

Yeah. Right, so the first time... This is Jamie Foxx of actor fame, by the way. Yeah, but this was pre-actor fame. But he was still famous, right? Because that special was in a big old... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a proper big comic.

And his comedy does not age well. Nah, and he looked so young in it, yeah. He was a proper big comic. And his comedy does not age well. And he looked so young in it, too. But he had this catchphrase where he did a line that went down well, got a big round of applause. And then he pretended to take a hit of a spliff. And then go a little bit like fucking stoned looking and go, let's blow that shit out. You gotta blow that shit out. And it was like the audience. It wasn't blow up, but out.

Out. You gotta blow that shit out and it was like the audience out you gotta blow that shit out he kept doing these weird faces and just kept doing that catchphrase over any fucking punchline and it got to the point where the audience were fucking joining in with it like laughing at me like you better blow that shit the first one the first time he'd done it

even his audience which was sucking his dick at the time were a little bit like what was that the second time they'd done it they were like all right this is your thing and then the third time they're like better blow that shit out you're like what the fuck catchphrase comedy i don't think i'd ever actually see it that's one of the lowest forms of comedy catchphrases yeah yeah i feel like my parents liked a lot of it like the fast show back in there i know they were good sketches but it was essentially

it's the little Britain thing of like here's the guy says the same thing but he says the same thing every week but each time he's in a different place

when he says it it's a puppet can you remember that one where he's beating up he had like Gordon the Gopher which was Phil Collins

Phil Wang no no Phil not even getting I thought you were talking about no Phil Collins Phil Wang No Not even getting I thought you were talking about No Philip Schofield Right

Had a golden gopher He didn't even squeak It was He was in the broom cupboard What is happening? How young are you? What's happening? Oh you're so young

Phil Collins Was in the broom cupboard With Phil Chippert using Phil Schofield as a puppet right and he squeaked whenever he

Philip Goldstein the fuck's Philip Goldstein at least the rest of them were real people sorry Phil Goldstein if you're listening you are a real person

number one Philip Schofield right was the presenter of the kids TV shows so like when we had four channels what kids TV show when we had four channels what was the name of the kids' TV shows. So when we had four channels.

What kids' TV show? When we had four channels. What was the name of the kids' TV show? It was like, I think it was ITV. Right. So the kids' TV shows would all be on. It might have been BBC. I think it was ITV, though.

And it would either be Andy Peters or Philip Schofield in the broom cupboard. And that's the little room that they had. That was the studio, but it was literally just a broom cupboard. And then they would introduce, like, next up was Ed the Duck. And then the show would come on. But then between that show and round the twist or whatever was on next philip scoffield would come on have a conversation with a gopher that was exactly that's what ian starlin did for cbb yeah yeah like that puppet and yeah so um so the was a late late night tv show about what was his fucking name but he'd done like a parody of that

and he had like a Gordon the Gopher type puppet but he'd chin it he'd like bat at the puppet with a fucking shank and then everyone would be like

oh the whole crowd was like oh and he would go it's a puppet and that was his catchphrase and muggles died laughing oh I've genuinely got no

that's the first time I've heard any of that's the first time I've heard any of that information in my life that could have been a fantastic lie which is

what we're playing later I don't know if you brought it in early just to fuck with me that was my childhood that was my

entertainment as a boy that's why I'm so funny that and fucking trying to be an award winning

comedian that and sugar buddies just every Saturday morning Phillips go fill in a cover and you're just spreading fucking sugar on a bit of bread

like the tiny little muglet that you were that's like on a Thursday afternoon get back from school Sugar Butty Gordon the Gopher Bob's your uncle

what was Bob's your uncle about? it was er it was when your mum left you with a babysitter that you didn't fully trust but you really wanted to go out

and you go can I remember Bob's your uncle just be scared of Bob one of mum's friends I've always noticed

that like for certain bits of comedy like yeah being really fucking stoned for it is great but you ever watch something

and you just overthink the plot too much and you realise you think it's a much more complicated movie than it is you find hidden depths

have you done this recently I've done that with Shutter Island and one of the ones which I just I remembered I was going to mention it to you last night

but sometimes I like saving the conversation for the podcast yeah we've discussed this haven't we this podcast is actually stifling my conversation in real life

because sometimes we'll anytime we make each other laugh we're like right save that thought and then we completely forget about it so we just anytime we make each other laugh we're like right save that thought and then we completely forget

about it so we just fail to make each other laugh twice did I ever tell you about how I managed to ruin

Time Traveller's wife for my ex-girlfriend oh yeah maybe you did tell me again it's a brutal thing and it

only came to me when I'm stoned and I'm not proud of the thought but I had it so I'm not going to deny it

I've never seen the Time Traveller's wife essentially what it is is it's seen the time travel that's why. Essentially what it is is it's Eric Bana and he's got this condition where he just randomly time travels

through time and he's fucked. So he doesn't get to choose? He's just like shooting the breeze with you one minute, It's like narcolepsy but with like time travelling.

Right. Right, so he's just like and then he'll fucking travel somewhere but he's got no control over where he's going. No, not even the destination? Well, no, i think he's all roughly in the same sort of place but like he's so at one point he meets this girl and he fancies her and they go out for a while don't overthink that plot all right he goes out with her and but then when

he goes back in time he can't obviously hit her then because she's like six years old but he sometimes said hi so there's really creepy pedo pedo undertones there's a bit where he's like non-synony's future wife so but then he'll go and she's obviously it's about her it's just how at random parts of her life

he comes in and like they're on different time frames and it's absolutely utter shite it's like sold can't wait to watch it

it's utter fucking drivel but she does when they start trying for kids what keeps happening is like she keeps miscarrying

because like when the fetus gets to a certain age it gets the condition and it like and it just teleports and it's like she keeps having these miscarriages I feel I know where you're going with this but what I don't understand is how nobody else did because I'm sat there and my

girlfriend was rightfully disgusted with me but I'm disgusted at the fucking plot of the movie because if they're if those fetuses are teleporting when he teleports he goes somewhere which means they're somewhere in the world at a random moment in time that a fucking three month old fetus

is just popping into existence. Oh no. Just like Just in the woods. Oh just in the woods like foxes coming by being like oh fuck it's a pasty tree. I didn't even have to kill it. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Like you're driving in the car,

you think it's raining, just like... Slaps on the windscreen. It's absolutely... Hit the way back. Like, my girlfriend, she rightfully did, she's like,

that's horrible. I'm like, I know. I know it's horrible, but I didn't fucking... I'm up with it. I guess I did. But like, I'm just following the storyline

how's that my fault that's pretty grim why so how did he not if he had the skills how did he not time travel when he was miscarrying maybe he did

but just luckily into someone else's womb oh yeah like fucking womb jumping yeah womb hopper womb raider worth it for that.

I did have something else on my chat list. Now I know we're not playing I Love You, Pop, but... I've just done it, haven't I? You've done it. I've just done something that really annoyed you.

No, no, no. The reason I wouldn't even play it in I Love You, Pop is because we agree that sometimes I love you, but you do this annoying thing. This isn't annoying. What you do is unacceptable. It's a deal breaker.

No. It's jailworthy for me. Trust me, right? I want the listeners, everyone, listen to what happens. And the guy does this regularly. And please tweet him and message him how disgustingly inappropriate this is. You're going to be furious. People are going to be livid about this.

I mean, now I'm not sure I know what it is. You do. It can't be the thing that I've just done. It is. You're going to be furious. People are going to be livid about this. I mean, now I'm not sure I know what it is. You do? It can't be the thing that I've just done. It is, trust me. That isn't a fucking... Man, it's one of the seven... Like, it's awful what you're doing. Nah, it's just an indulgence. No, no. It's betrayal of the highest order. I mean,

listen, that's lower expectations. Nah, listen to this, right? Whenever me and Kai order Domino's pizza, right? We get the pizza. And you know how you get the garlic and herb sauce? Everyone loves the garlic and herb sauce. It's fucking delicious. Garlic and herb sauce, I think we can all agree,

is for the crust. Because pizza's got flavor and the crust doesn't. And it's just so you dip the crust into the garlic and herb sauce. There's a bit more flavor there. Encourage you to eat the crust Because sometimes people don't eat crust And then the crust gets thrown into the ocean And then dolphins choke on them

Or whatever I don't know People want less crust That's my point Right It's for the crust It's to make the crust edible What you do

And there's It's a small pot There's only There's barely enough for the crusts You Every fucking time Take it Open the lid

And pour it on top of your, not the whole pizza, your individual slice. How does he sleep it, mate? I don't know! How do you sleep it? It's unforgivable! Oh, with a full tummy! Mate! Nom, nom, nom! Fuck it! Wait, there's certain things in life, like when you reach

the age of 33, you just go and, ah, I'll do what the fuck I want. Because you know what, them them little pots you can fucking buy tons of them but sometimes I forget yeah but sometimes I forget sometimes I forget

and then we've got no no I'll just drink the next one I'll shot it you know what else I do I sometimes drink milk out of the bottle

that's fine because I'm 33 sometimes I sit on the arm of the coach because my mum doesn't tell us off anymore sometimes I get wait your mum used to

tell you off sit on the arm of the couch. Why? To break the couch. No. You were a kid. Yeah, sitting on the arm of the couch. Is that something just I wasn't allowed to do?

I've never heard that in my life. Well, that fucks this woman's problem. Have I already took my shoes off or what do you want? No, you're not allowed to sit on the arm of the couch. I don't know if it's a man has thing or what. Maybe, Matt, but man has in your own house. I don't know. Maybe she just thought I was sit on the arm of the couch I don't know if it's a manners thing or what Maybe manners But manners in your own house I don't know Maybe she just thought I was climbing on the sofa

Sit on the sofa Stop sitting on the arm But now Watch Watch this Tell them what I'm doing He's sitting on the arm of the couch Get down from there

Now tell them what else I'm about to do There's no pizza left I've taken all the pizzas You can't But honestly There's actually no sauce left There's probably a reason for that Because that's the thing

In your head you're like I can see where you're like Oh god Sloss is overreacting Trust me I'm willing to bet That when the Listeners hear

That with the One Domino's Because even before They did the extra ones You take that thing With their OCD No It's got nothing to do with it

It's just selfish It's for everyone Fuck protocol Nah Everyone with scissors Manners It's manners It's basic manners it's for everyone fuck protocol mate nah everyone with scissors manners it's manners it's basic manners

it's not even like it's like not it's not like not holding the door open for an old woman it's like waiting for her to come through the door and then just fucking

spaffing it in her face ha well teacher what about ketchup then you got your fucking yeah there's loads of ketchup aye there's multiple packets everywhere in there

there's one of these man your TV's Daniel Sloss You can afford an extra pot of garlic Yeah but what if I forget I can't just fucking get him To come round with like Fucking three things

20 minutes later Like a mug Like He's probably got some Spares in the van Please Like that stuff's Gold dust

I'm not just gonna let him Carry it round willy nilly Fucking hell I might start a little business here A little racket selling fucking garlic pots I bet you could do that right If you buy loads of them right Follow Domino's vans

Whenever they're delivering Go to a place And I guarantee People forget to order the sauce If you turn up Like five minutes afterwards And just be like I'm going to buy garlic herb sauce

You make a fucking killing mate Pour it on the slice do what you want no no my parents can't do that I've got a guest friend yeah but eh

it's you should just keep some spits in the fridge it's like it's like you know when eh if you're sharing

food with someone and they give you need their cutlery and they lick it clean for you you're like oh no like when it was food and all,

it was fine. I can eat your food. I'm not disgusted by your food. I'm disgusted by your fucking mouth. Well, licking the cutlery clean and saying, are you going to have mine? Who does that?

Do you just hypothetically get annoyed at someone? No, maybe it's just my dad that does it. Your dad licks his cutlery clean. Oh, well, that's my list of jokes for the end. Your dad licks his cutlery clean. Oh, I'll just have a list of jokes for the end. Your dad licks his cutlery clean,

passes it around the table, leaves his bathwater in for you, after pissing in it. So he's climbing in his umbongo. Climbing in his what? Umbongo. The drink? Yeah, it's like diluted juice.

Aye. Keora. Umbongo. They're the nicest ones. That's what his bathwater looks like okay mate can i ask you something he's pissing in the shower all right uh who's who's in there with you just the plumber i was getting it fixed started pissing he was angry that's what i thought i'll ask daniel. He had said the story before the lawsuit.

Am I in the wrong here? No, just let us know when I'm in the shower. I'll stop jumping up and down to do it. I'll let it spin round like I normally do in the shower. Or when I'm pissing. Like a rotisserie chicken. I'll spin round the shower like a normally do in the shower Or when I'm pissing

Like a rotisserie chicken I'll spin round the shower like a rotisserie chicken Sideways No, she'll eat me like a ballerina If you're doing it like a rotisserie chicken I'm on the floor I'm lying in the bath No, you're somehow keeping yourself up between the walls

I don't even keep myself up I'm just lying in the bath Just waving around Like a fish out of water That's how I shower I'd stop doing that so I piss in the shower sometimes

my shower I mean just two hours I'm in usually hotels but I've done you know why I don't do it in your shower not because I have

my respect for your bathroom because of Gene's hair clogging up the plug aye it would just like there would be like a big dam of Gene's hair clogging up the plug. Aye. It would just take, there would be like a big dam of Gene's hair and then just a big foot bath in my piss.

That's not the party I want to join. Just like the world's lamest clone attempt. Make some hybrid of me and Gene. Yeah, it's a hybrid of Kai and Gene. I write diaries of all the times I shat myself. You come in 30 seconds, but you never have sex. Do you have anything you want to discuss, or should we have another joint before we move on?

I told you a story last night That was pretty noteworthy Which one The one about when I fell off the jet ski Oh yeah go on then Should we do that story Should we have a joint first Yeah

Have a joint and then come back for the jet ski story Right this is for our listeners This is either a joint break Or a kissing break It's up to you Will you know what we gabbed it We smoked we didn't kiss All my muggles and all my hoes in here joint break or a kissing break it's up to you you know what we got up to we smoked we didn't kiss all my muggles

and all my hoes in here somebody here going fuck tell your story I just love when a muggle brings his hole through

stop just a bigger piece of cake for me to chew a hole through just stop tell your story all my favourite songs I'm gonna hit you with a pillow

sounds like fun guys we're gonna we're to hit you with a pillow. Sounds like fun. Guys, we're going to pause again for a pillow fight. Don't threaten me with a great time. Don't make me come over there and suck your dick. I'll be really mad. If I have to come over there and stick a ditch over your bum. I'm going to rub your feet if you don't fucking book your ideas up.

Somebody's getting their house cleaned with this attitude. So I come off a jet ski. You were riding a jet ski? In the North Sea, we got pretty good on it. Clearly. It got 80 miles an hour max. This is the top speed we've got off this jet ski. What's the fastest you're allowed to do in the ocean?

I don't know. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. You think so? Yeah. Imagine the police car chasing us It's like Grand Theft Auto Oh it ran him Pretty swift Grand Theft Auto

Just them all drowning While you swim I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure the ocean Has speed limits I don't know Because like trains do It's the North Sea

There's no cameras There's definitely speed limits Is that what them boys are The one male boy that's flashing all the time? Yeah, I think. It's not flashing to warn ships that they're coming up to the coast.

It's flashing because it's catching speed cameras. I should have used the lighthouse as an example. You know, you see dolphins washed up at the beach. Those are the dolphins that went too fast

and they've lost their licence. They're under appeal. They've got to go to a course Safety awareness course For dolphins It's just them When humans try To put them back in

They're like No no I'm going to get in trouble Can you lose your licence twice? What happens if you drive Without a licence? They pull you over And go

We're going to take Take your provisional The car's unlockable Huh? The car's unlockable huh the car's unlockable you're not allowed your keys your keys took off

you bastards and not only that now you're not allowed to distract your kids double whammy oh shit I just got that

it took a little while I've been smoking weed so I come off the jet ski hitting the waves like head on because if you hit them head on like the waves

disappear underneath you you've got some like massive air time and then you come down you hit them head on like the waves disappear underneath you you've got some like massive air time and then you come down you sometimes completely submerge under the water and then come back up

like what the fuck but this one day I hit a wave and then just woke up in an ambulance with Ricketts you landed in an ambulance that's

fucking hell that's handy what a shot they didn't see that coming it was a moving ambulance as well I just put the jet ski right through the side of it landed on a woman in labour popped the baby out What a shot. They didn't see that coming. There was a moving ambulance as well. I just put the jet ski right through the side of it.

Landed on a woman in labour, popped the baby out. Just cuddled up next to her. Just had a good spoon, me and the baby. You fall off the jet ski. So I would say to that flight of fantasy, I woke up in the ambulance with rickets, which may add I didn't wake up with the disease. The disease. That's bad. You hit the wave so hard you got Ricketts

I just was poor legged in the ambulance some of you might remember our friend Ricketts who a swan broke his arm on a previous episode

Ricketts so you woke up he was in the back of the ambulance with you laughing probably and I was naked typical Ricketts

it's not the first time I've been naked with Ricketts so it won't be the last when they cut the swimming costume off it was up to his choice they were like no he's fine

he's like nah nah let's get off anyway I'll tell you what did I'll tell you what did happen why I ended up naked is because so basically I'd spaffed out

on the jet ski on this jump I don't know if I'd hit my face off the water or off the handlebars or something but it impacted my face

and it was concussed and another jet skier came and turned me the right way around and my mate swam out and the pair of them brought me into the shore he just flipped you over

I was face down in the North Sea when did he bring you in he just flipped you over and then your mate went and swam out to sea so he had his jet ski he didn't want to ditch his jet ski

he could have put you over the back of it or the front of it so he I'm telling you what happened I don't know his logic I wasn't there lights were out

just was like that's the lowest form of helping like he sees you telling you what happened right I don't know his logic I wasn't there lights were out just was like that's the lowest form of helping like he sees you're drowning and he's like he's not drowning anymore still your problem me me me me me me but like Craig was also running

so Craig who I was with started running out to say if I was alright and to get the jet ski another jet ski I come along got off his jet ski flipped me over

by the time he got there the pair of them managed to get me and get the jet skis back whatever the logistics were those are the facts I've been finished with

so I'm lying on the beach in the wetsuit which was my friend Craig's wetsuit and when the paramedics came they brought out the scissors and

went to cut the wetsuit but it was my mate's 180 pound wetsuit and he was like a fucking lad he shoulder parched the paramedic out of the way and

just ripped my limp naked body out of his wetsuit he's fucking kept it away from the paramedic Out of the way And just ripped My limp Naked body Out of his wetsuit Just fucking Kept it away From the paramedics Barking at them He might be dead

But I'm not going to Lose two things today I think losing a friend Is enough So that's how I ended up naked And em What was weird

About waking up Did you have proper Like cold sea dick As well Oh shriveled up Shriveled up north sea dick It was like an outie belly button Tasty

Just like a proper little like Wild forest mushroom Like a little jelly bean Just every micro penis on display For all of Black Beach So They laughed at that Just pegged it like

A little doorstop And then They put me in the ambulance But what Your girlfriend gets Rinsed if any of her Friends listen to this podcast And hear us talk about

Your tiny dick all the time She goes into work I reckon She's pretty smug about It's not as small As he's making out My girlfriend gets rinsed if any of her friends listen to this podcast. I hear her talk about your tiny dick all the time. She goes into work. I reckon she's pretty smug about it. It's not as small as he's making out. But that's still not good. It's a pretty big unit, actually. My favourite newphemism.

The oldphemism. Oldphemism. For a big cock is a blind cobbler's thumb. I love that oldphemism. So they put me in the ambulance but what was fucking really weird about waking up and rickett's been in the ambulance with me is that uh he as far as i was concerned in my world he was down on the south coast he was uh in portsmouth doing his training for the marines and he'd been away for months and months on end and he wasn't due back but he'd come back to surprise everybody and nobody knew he was coming back so he found out that we were on the

beach with a jet ski brought his swimming stuff and he fucking come to join us and then when he got there i was naked on the beach just doing my thing and he was just like oh fuck i'll get in the ambulance with him and go so i wake up and there's a dude in the ambulance who i hadn't seen in six months who as far as i'm concerned is fucking 500 miles away so i've been through concussion and fucking now this but um I don't even know if I've told you this bit right when I get to the ambulance now when I get to the hospital in the ambulance they like rush me in and they've done some tests on us and stuff and they put us in this 24-hour surveillance ward which I guess is the ICU Brexit Britain intensive care unit just to drain on the

taxpayers dollar no just 24-hour surveillance No, just 24-hour surveillance. I was under 24-hour surveillance. They had to have a doctor on me at all times. Physically on you. Physically on us, right. They had students coming in and taking notes about what was happening, and this is what had happened. There was fluid coming out my nose.

That wasn't mucus and it wasn't seawater, right. It had proteins in it. Was it spunk? They thought it was brain fluid oh so they thought my brain was leaking out of my nose

right and this has happened before they've dealt with it before what they haven't dealt with is brain fluid

coming out with someone's nose while the person that's theirs going you ricketts I didn't know you were going

to be here I thought you were like just chatting away having sent in conversation just being full

of life yeah yeah this is fucking magical brain fluid they're just like he doesn being full of life yeah yet there's this fucking magical brain fluid they're just like he doesn't need brain fluid to talk

there's a because they were like it's salt water but there's protein in it right so they're like it's not sea water and everything

and they've done tests and then they're like oh you're free to go and they let me out do you know what it was coming out my nose what I'd ruptured my tear gland

you're crying through your nose it's crying out my beak like a bitch where where there tear gland You crying through your nose? It was crying out my beak Like a bitch Just fucking tears Streaming through my nose Through my top lip Billy two rivers Billy two rivers

No letters out I got home on my day Fucking crying out your nose I had a sore face Like I couldn't really clench much I had to eat soft foods for a little while. But apart from that, I was fine. I was about to wake the next day.

Watched Marley and me just dribbling into your mouth. Like a fucking waterfall. Just dabbing my nose. Right, should we talk about muggles? Yeah. What have they been doing now so for those of you that haven't listened

to the podcast before and aren't aware of how fucking bored I am of explaining this muggle corner basically me and Kyle used this

Harry Potter term the term muggle for an all magic person to describe people that we find just a little bit plain it's not necessarily a bad thing

to be a muggle like we're all capable of muggle things and muggles aren't bad people. It's just something we all agree you just go eh. But before we do go in, speaking of muggles, I went

to see the new Hazzapazza. Oh you did didn't you? You went to the Beastly Delights of Potter Wonderland. Try again. The Magnificent Beasts of Benedict Cumberbatch. Try again. Beastiality with correct

fantastic beasts and where to find them uh fucking mint loved it so is it just pokemon what

fantastic beasts and where to find them you go around collecting beasts no it's just him playing pokemon go but in the harry potter world is it

no it's just a google box of that oh it's just him being like oh it's mint i've just upgraded my hypno to a slow-mo pug i mean the google box of that it's just him being like oh Dratini that's meant I've just upgraded my hypno

to a slow-mo pug I mean the first half of that I almost believed you knew what you were talking about I uploaded my pug nope I upgraded

I evolved my slowpoke into a wizard slowpoke into a hypno no slowpoke doesn't it's

snoozeville snowflakes no drowsy evolves into fuck's sake fucking dip it cunt sometimes it's hard to keep up withakes no drowsy evolves into fuck's sake fucking dip it sometimes it's hard to keep up with the

kids anyway so this is where we basically nominate muggly things that people do but if you're guilty of any of these muggly things

and we both agree they are muggly you have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds and think about the bad muggly thing you did

yeah fucking muggle I'm going to start off with one that I know is going to put you in the corner straight away

muggles are called kai muggles are called kai I'm going to start off with one that I know is going to put you in the corner. Straight away. Nobody puts baby in the corner. Muggles are called Kai. Do you know what, though? What? Lots of children are called Kai now because of Wayne Rooney's kid. So, like, my name used to be very uncommon, but now it's the name of every bastard child on the council estate with a single mum.

Kai Snow. Kai Snow. Kai Ramsey. No. Yeah Kai Snow Kai Snow Kai Ramsey no no yeah Snow Snow Ramsey yeah right

sorry I'm high yeah we're talking about Game of Thrones now manikins do the manikins muggles do the manikin manikin challenge that's one of the

muggliest things I've ever seen in my life they really do but it's so good like I am just going to go fuck it I'm going to

trade in a muggle life and I'm just going to take this one on. Because at first, when it was just like, I don't know, like Andy Murray did it on Sky Sports, and they just went around him and a couple of other tennis players, and I was like, ah, that's lame as fuck. But if you've seen the high-stakes ones, like the ones where they're in the swimming pool, and they've got the underwater camera, and everyone's frozen in their swimming position, and it just looks fucking remarkable.

And that one in the nightclub where the beat drops but before the beat drops the whole crowd the whole crowd at this rave are just like frozen and it's panning around them

and when the beat drops they come to life and it looks fucking incredible so I'm fully aware it's like ice bucket challenge level of

like mugglery but it can be it can be made amazing it was like when what was the other one what was the one where they start randomly dancing

what's that called the Gangnam Style thing no no the ones in it's like shopping malls one person starts dancing Flash Mob Flash Mob

yeah that's another one that's I feel like I feel like I will put this to include any of those things like if you were part

of a Muggle fad and I'll also stand in the fucking corner of it, because I definitely did some of them, but, like, I did the ice bucket challenge. But as well, people start resisting that stuff, like, oh, it's bullshit. But, like, it's not...

You can just have it there without it making you angry. Like, I don't see how you can get angry at a mannequin challenge or an ice bucket challenge. I don't. That's arguably more muggly. I think the only way you can not be a muggle on this is if you just acknowledge it's there and aren't bothered by it.

It doesn't affect your life. I think it's more like the fact that you were saying there's the high quality ones and you're like, yeah, I think the muggly thing is the reason people get annoyed is because for every one

really good one there is, there's ones that your mates did and people you used to go to school with doing their own version of it and they're always shit and the first one i did was milk and cereal i did milk and cereal milk and cereal milk and cereal milk and cereal cereal and milk cereal and milk cereal and milk i want my wheaties give them to the needy feeling kind of greedy i'll keep that for myself I'll keep mum loves special cake you can't pinch an inch

you can't pinch an inch they're magically delicious muggins are creep and that's our catchphrase yeah so yes I think you can they are muggly

but you know what I just do I don't think twice about just going I'm a muggle for this one the same way as you do at Christmas you go

everything that we're doing is a bit muggly, but let's immerse in it. So we did one last night at the gig. But everyone laughed. I told a joke and then grabbed the mic stand and then everyone froze where they were. But it didn't work really because they couldn't stop laughing

because my joke was that good. Nah. I think the way to do it is the other way around, which is just do it from frozen and then once you go all the way around and it goes back to you, then you do a punchline and everyone laughs. I think that's a better way of doing it. I think so. Aye. Because I was doing it where I'd done the punchline, but then I had a tagline to put on so that I could do the tagline and people would then reanimate.

Just do one of your shit jokes, because you've got so much more to them. I stopped Gav recording it because... I'll let you have that one don't need that take it when Gav no just normally I ignore them oh right okay when they're good

just saying I'm trying to repent my ways I'm flustered flattered flustered okay I stopped Gav doing the thing because I could hear people laughing

but like everybody on the camera was still still so I could have just I could have just faded the sound out I could hear people laughing but like everybody on the camera was still still so I could have just I could have just faded the sound out for that part of it in the edit so we'll do it again

tonight in Ashton oh fun yay now what's your first muggle on your fucking muggle I've got 30 seconds in the corner first this one is off

Twitter-a-ra called Stuart Hogg try again Twitter-a-ra at Twitter-a-ra right Stuart Hogg and he says oh no Try again Twitter At Twitter Right Stuart Hogg And he says

Oh no That's a dad joke Right I'll just read it off his tweet Jesus Christ Muggles always sound surprised About how early it gets dark When the clocks go back Oh yeah

Is that 5 o'clock already Is that 4 o'clock The sun's fully gone The moon's out. It's cutting in. Oh, it's 6pm. It's pitch black in there.

I need a torch. I'll tell you about my mum's... The story of my mum when it was cutting in. She calls it cutting in when it's getting dark. Right. And my mum... I knocked on the door at my mum's house. I'd been away for a couple of months.

And she answered the door and the house was in pitch black. And she was like, it started spitting on before so I had to bring the washing in and put the washing on the radiators which meant I had to put the radiators on but then

because the radiators were on I had to keep the window open because it's too warm in the house but because I had the window open I had to keep the lights off otherwise the moths will get in my mum my mum was just sat in the dark

with the heating on and the windows open because she'd put this logic of over there. I hadn't seen her in ages. She's staring there like a psychopath, like she's just committing an atrocity and just thinking it through. She's just sat in the dark on a couch with the windows open.

It was such an I love you man moment where I hadn't seen her in two months. I'd been to Australia, I shot her at the door and went, eee, K it was cutting in when you mentioned about it getting dark early yeah and dark later

in the mornings that stuff have you seen how light it is god the other day I was up at 6pm and someone's fully out I could barely get a fucking wink and what I get shocked at

is it's always older people that talk like that whereas like I get it it did seem like it was cutting in the first few years of my life when i wasn't used to the rotation of the earth but now you've been through around the earth around the fucking sun about maybe 70 times get used to it maybe that's proof that we're living in a simulation maybe they've just not been like in your simulated life they've just not coded these people's backstories ah shit so that is the first one you experienced was also the first one they experienced.

I love to think that the majority of people are coded. Yeah. There's a few sentient people in this game. Yeah. We're all plugged into a Matrix-type fucking capsule, and then we're plugged into this, but the majority of people are actually just AI in the low programming,

and that's what the muggle thing is. And what we're doing is we're finding out the wiring and the corner of these people. I always like walking past groups of people and imagine that they've been programmed to say what they're saying because you always just hear a sound bite. And there was this one time I walked past a group of people and one of the people went,

who likes chicken? Put your hands up! And he shoved his hand up in the air. And that's the only thing I had from that conversation. And I woke up and I was like, good one, programmers. Well done, Rockstar Games. That was a good one. well done rockstar games that was a good one it was kind of like in a we were in iceland and we had aries on before us doing his sweet they were in an icelandic comic con before us and he did this whole set in icelandic and the

only thing he said in english and he got a huge laugh was he was just your motherfucker i'm a flower and then everyone lost their shit and applauded and we were like I never want to know what the set up to that joke is we wouldn't let Ari tell us what the set up

to the joke was because it was funnier as it was out of context than it would ever have been with context but we've had a speculation and we've worked out what it was

that he said in the build up we don't know the answers but my theory is that when he was speaking Icelandic and go blah blah blah what he was saying is Kai and Daniel are up we don't know the answers but my theory is that when he was speaking Icelandic and go blah blah blah what he was saying

is Kai and Daniel are backstage they don't speak a word of Icelandic so they think I'm just doing a feed line now so I'm going to say

something in English and when I say it you guys just lose your shit switch his language yo motherfucker I'm a flower crowd dies

I think that's the only feed line you could have to that being the punchline yeah I don't think it was that because I lane you could have to that being the punchline. Yeah, I don't think it was that. Because I asked him if it was that, and he said no, and I trusted him.

And none of the audience, because I feel like if the audience thought that, they would have been sort of weird around us. And the laughter wouldn't have been sincere either. Unless just the concept of that is quite a funny thing to laugh at. Right, my second Muggle one is from Chris Scott on Twitter. Muggles talk during comedy yes comedy shows uh like we i'm pretty sure he came to a gig on uh like monday i think he came to the punch drunk one and people were talking he was getting annoyed with that did i tell you when i got phoned by the police during the Fringe this year, have I told you this story? By the... Police. No.

Right. I can't believe I've not told you this. Was this to do with people talking in a gig? Yeah. Okay. So do you remember when I went to see Matthew Ellis' show, Jellybean's show, I went down there with Elliot Steele and there was people behind us and they were just talking. You don't know about this, you phoned us. Yeah, they were talking, talking, talking, talking

loudly at the back of the room. They'd gone to see his show, so this the back of the room they'd gone to see his show so this is like his preview they'd gone to see another preview he was doing

at Dunfermline and they started shouting out the punchlines because he does a lot of audience interaction they would like

give the joke away and just be really disruptive so I was like can you please be quiet and one of them was two of them were fucking drunk as fuck

and they keep shouting and I'm like you seriously need to you seriously need to leave they're like we're enjoying it I'm like no no you're not enjoying it like it's just like i'm here enjoying the show i'm like no you're ruining the show for other people you're ruining the show for me she's like oh goby goby goby and then i take like a photo of myself being like if you know it i'm like uh but i'm at this fucking gig and there's these two fucking cunts blah blah blah

get into an argument with them afterwards at one point i'll text you and be like you need to come down here because i'm about to get into a fight with them afterwards at one point I'll text them and be like you need to come down here because I'm about to get into a fight and I know I'm going to lose it yeah because that's all I know about that and when I got there

everything was resolved but what's the police thing so I had a huge argument with the guy and a huge argument with the girl and she was like she was like

if you didn't want to hear us talking you should have sat near the front and I was like if you wanted to come to a comedy show you shouldn't talk if you want to talk

talk outside the room like it's so selfish not only to the artists on stage but you're ruining it with everyone airshot because you're just you talking

anything like that the cinema the theatre the comedy it's all the same I don't know why comedy is an exception where people think

they can talk and this is a preview for Ellis this isn't a show it's a free show that they fucking turned up to they're watching this

free show this guy's trying out stuff for the biggest arts festival I'm trying to give him notes and stuff and she's just fucking up every single so I'm like she's like for the biggest arts festival I'm trying to give him notes and stuff and she's just fucking up every

single so I'm like she's like I want you to apologise I'm like absolutely fucking not

I'm not apologising for everything she's like I called her all the names under the sun I was like

absolutely fucking do not you owe everyone else an apology blah blah blah so couple days later I get a text

from my mum being like the police have just phoned what have you done and I'm like fuck what have I done this is four days later I've a text from my mum being like the police have just phoned what have you done and I'm like fuck what have I done like what happened

this is four days later like I've done a lot of stuff over those four nights right some of it illegal but I'm like not illegal enough for the police to

hey has Daniel been smoking weed in his house oh god snitches snitches get snitches so I was just

I was like no no here phone him up she'd uh complained she phoned up and called it uh internet oh no like inciting violence because i was just like if you know either i didn't say anything like these people i was just like if you know any of these two uh people right so so the guy phones me he's like you Are you Diane Sloss? I went yeah He goes Have you been posting mean things on the internet? And I laughed out loud I was like yeah

And he went right I'm going to be honest with you buddy She's the most annoying woman I've ever met in my life And you'd be making my life a hell of a lot fucking easier If you just delete those tweets And will not mention it ever again I was like alright Because I thought I was like Who phones the police for that?, because I said it, I was like, ah, God.

Who affords the police for that? 999, what's the service? I'll have the police, please. The call will be recorded, blah, blah, blah. What's your problem? Someone's tweeted a nasty message to me at Handle. It's like that South Park thing. He's got 50,000 followers.

That's a lot of people hearing mean things about me. We'll send a helicopter I didn't tag her in it I didn't put her name it wasn't face it was just like ugh so yeah

talking during anything oh there was a other time when at Bo Burnham when I slightly went over the top so I've got a drunk guy in the front and not only is he

drunk and shouting ruining it for like at least 15 people around him he's like pulling the woman's hair in front of him. Doesn't know her, but just trying to flirt with her during the show.

Just trying to get an insight reaction from her. Oh, but overly, I've not seen that level of running up and kicking her in the fucking shin level. She's being a dick and annoying her, annoying the woman beside him. I'm dying. I'm like,

I'm going to go outside and I'm going to fucking bash his head because I had Milo with me and Milo and Tom and he got up and he sort of left at the end of the show and everyone was like

he was an asshole I'm like oh and the woman goes oh he's left his phone so I immediately go down I'm laughing this I'm like what are you gonna do with that I'm like I'm gonna go outside

I'm gonna throw it against a wall like that's bare minimum what this cunt deserves for like ruining this show for yeah like there were 30 people he pissed off each one of those people paid 20 quid that's fucking minimum What this cunt deserves For like ruining this show For Yeah Like There were 30 people he pissed off

Each one of those people Paid 20 quid That's fucking a lot of money Yeah he's refunded them By smashing his back Balance of the universe And he comes And he drunkenly comes back in

And he's clearly looking for it And they're all looking at me Being like give him the back I'm like nah Absolutely He's not getting his phone back I'm not Like I'm furious

Oh but now you're keeping him there Now you're adding to the problem no no no so we no because we're all we're all leaving oh this is at the end yeah yeah

so he walks past to go to shit and it's not there and there so Miley goes go to a pub and after that if you still feel like

throwing it at Walt I'll let you do it so we go down and I'm like yeah okay things will be bad go on realizes he's logged into his Facebook

posts a huge message being like hi I'm a fucking piece of shit what I like to do is get drunk go to shows harass women

and I shout loudly and ruin the gig for everyone else this huge thing about how much of a cunt it was if I want my phone it's at this bar

but I've got to get on my knees and beg the bar lady to give it back to me because that's what I need to do to fucking freight him with that

right we keep checking for like an hour all of his friends are fucking laughing at it and I tell the bar I'm like do to fucking so you've frapped him with that frapped him with that right we keep checking for like an hour all of his friends are fucking laughing at it and I tell Bart I'm like do not give him the phone back

unless he literally gets down on his knees because he needs to atone for what a fucking cunt he was and then me and Tom changed his phone into Japanese and then with his keys

scrawled in the word cunt onto the back of his phone honestly and then handed it in there bye don't talk during comedy shows don't fucking do it you muggle

go stand in the corner but be aware while you're standing in the corner I'm fucking your life up like honestly like on stage as a comedian I've never been

bothered personally about people chatting in the crowd it becomes like a kind of distant white noise unless it's excessive but it's when I'm doing it

this isn't me being precious saying don't talk while I'm on stage because like it's fine for, it's just the people that are in the audience that have bought a ticket to the evening, they're the ones that are getting fucked over. So it's from a position of empathy when you're saying stop talking. It's not trying to protect yourself, it's trying to protect the people that have bought tickets. And it's the same thing with heckling, which is that I'm not getting angry at you, I'm

not getting angry at you because you're heckling me, it's because you're taking me off my material, which is what everyone in this audience paid to hear they didn't be paid to hear me fucking put you down i could happily spend 20 minutes with a guy all right but then every minute that you do it's in yeah a lot of time yeah so totally uh chris got you 100 right talking your comedy show muggle get in the corner next one um oh shit muggle say may the fourth be with you oh absolutely oh no i will also add in they also may the 4th be with you oh absolutely oh no I will also add in they also do

may the 5th be with you or do anybody that does like a kind of parody joke of like even you know like in November put on may the 4th

be with you in November like even that is now hack I think I might have been guilty of it like way back but then now

like everything around that everything surrounding Star Wars Day is just bollocks because I reckon the first time back but then now like everything around that everything surrounding star wars day that's just it's just bollocks because i reckon the first time someone came up with that it was like oh that's a like that's so funny like well done yeah so someone said what day is it today may the fourth and this nerd just went may the fourth be with you too everyone in that office laughed everyone that's oh first time that joke hit the air Yeah Oh it crushed

That nerd was popular For like a week They're like Dave Dave May the 4th There was such a good He gets emotion probably Based off of it Like because everyone likes him more

They all go to it at some point Probably a year later And then it just spread Like a fucking zombie virus Everyone Everyone And then the internet just went Like fucking

Hiroshima Bomb Just Everyone May the 4th be with you Muggles the fucking lot of you Yeah let's Let's not be muggles And then the internet just went like fucking Hiroshima bomb. Everyone gets it. May the fourth be with you. Muggles the fucking lot of you. Yeah, let's not be muggles. Muggle the fourth with you.

This one also from Twitter, but I've forgotten your name, so sorry about that. But not really. I'll claim it as my own. Muggles have a private registration plate. Yes. And this is my Uncle Scott's in the corner. I had my heart set on one when I was a kid. What you want it to be i was 19 there was one chi seven bush it was like along them lines but it was like with a four instead of the

a and shit my four one my uncle the seven bosh five foot six minister his one is we rev we rev we reverend the car it's a bit of a pun as well Aye Works on two levels He's got that I've never had one People think I've got one That'd be pretty cool For a minister though Aye

Getting a private reg Yeah Yeah From God's money Aye From the whip and run The tree of God's run Fucking champion

I'm gonna get WeRev People think People think my license plate Is custom Liam Withnail For ages Yeah Cause mine's is i won't

give the full thing away because i've like it's it's so it's basically uh it's five one os is the yeah the first four looks like the first looks like sloss it looks like slos but it's a mixture of fives ones and s's and o's and then it's uh yeah so it's s l o-O-S and then C and then two other letters. And it looks like that's genuinely the one I was fucking given. Like that's the one. Same thing in my mum's street. There's one that genuinely says Sloss, but it's not her car. She's just like, fuck.

It's fucking freaking us out. Yeah, but if you do it yourself, you're an absolute fucking muggle. I might get one though. I totally wanted to do it but now I just don't see the point it's like a bit more practical now aye

I just also feel like I wouldn't put my name on it because Sloss is an unusual name if anyone sees that car they might be a fan but they also might fucking not be

they might be religious aye right what's your last one erm oh I keep changing people. Muzzles. Muzzles?

Muzzles. Muggles have muzzles. Muggles send Christmas cards to the neighbours. Writing out all the neighbours and go round each house. And the postman. Be like, oh, what do you call them at 17 again? What's that daughter called? Because we'll put all the names on.

If you don't know the name and you have to ask someone, you probably shouldn't be giving them the Christmas card. Yeah. If you're putting Mr and Mrs on If you don't know the name and you have to ask someone, you probably shouldn't be giving them the Christmas card. Yeah. If you're putting Mr. and Mrs. on because you don't know their first names, then probably give them a miss. Yeah.

Well, essentially, I just threw that out of the box. I feel like those people that do that would also be like the kind of petty people that would be pissed off if the Smiths

didn't give them one back. Be like, it's the fucking 23rd today, what do you think they're going to send it? They've only got one day left. Like, if anything, I don't even want it. I don't know what I'm going to get on Christmas Day. I'm just putting a Christmas card on Christmas Day. think they're going to send it they've only got one day left like if anything don't even want it what am I going to get

on Christmas day just putting a Christmas card on Christmas day won't want me to leave it up afterwards it's not Christmas anymore decorations are going to go down what are they going to give me

after that I gave them two weeks ago I'm going to have to put up another bit of string because they're putting up a bit of string and putting the cards on they used to do that

my mum does it that was pretty cool I thought but like in the 90s yeah I just think we've moved on yeah no I think that my mum does it that was pretty cool I thought but like in the 90s yeah I just think we've moved on yeah no I think

that's my mum because my mum listens to this podcast and she does complain about how much her and my dad are in Muggle Corner

and I'm like I feel like it's oh they totally embrace being Muggles all the time oh they do yeah again I just have to

keep reminding them like they're not bad things you don't you don't and you can indulge yourself in them yeah of course you can

you don't hate people that are muggles I mean you hate overly muggly muggles Oh when muggle's all you've got Yeah If muggle is If you're a full blown muggle That's when you're coding Right

So what was that one? That was Christmas cards to the neighbours Oh totally right So all six of those together are If you do the mannequin challenge 30 seconds in the corner You're fucking muggle If you talk during comedy shows I will fuck your life up and end you and go stand in the

corner for 30 seconds and if you have a private registration plate on your car you get one that says m-u-g-1-3 because you my lady or my sir are uh muggle m Muggle. Muggle. Muggle. Muggle. And your three were? Muggle sent Christmas cards to the neighbours. If you don't know them well enough to put money in, don't give them a card. Yep. Muggle say may the fourth be with you.

And Muggles always complain about how, just mention that it's getting dark. That it's cutting in. That it gets dark later sweet so 30 seconds each for those things go fuck yourselves muggles

thank you for your contributions and please tweet us in because some of these are great yeah and also we fucking are running out of them so when other people call us on shit they're like yes

the well is still deep our next game is fantastic lies and where to find them this is a game where me and Kai come up with just stupid lies

that sound very believable like you reckon you can convince people of these things they're absolutely true they're absolutely false but if you say them with enough confidence people will be like oh really there would be three seconds the example I always give is I convinced Ricketts that mussels were called pistachios of the sea

and then why would he not believe that he walked away with that downloaded on his brain. So I'll go for my first one. By the way, I've just realised I've only wrote down four, so I'm going to have to make one up at the end. Okay. Stephen Fry's name is actually spelled S-T-E-F-E-N-P-H-R-Y. That could work.

Did you know Cilla Black? Yeah. She was called Priscilla White was she yeah I could say her name was actually Brilla Clack

Brilla Clack yeah because that would be a spoonerism love a spoonerism Friar Tuck Friar Tuck Tri-Fuck

oh there you go yeah oh is that why that's that name yeah ah I don't know 26 years

surely not surely that's a coincidence you Eh. Ah. I don't know. 26 years? Surely not. Surely that's a coincidence. It's like Robin Hood, isn't it? Yeah. It's not like, it's not like Robin Hood, no, I don't think it is. Anyway, go. We're high. Rod Stewart's toenail clippings got sold on eBay for £5,000.

Your dad bought them. That's always like One of them like myths Where you hear about Like someone selling A toenail clip Like Tom Cruise Or Brad Pitt or something Does that actually happen

No Nah I don't think those types Get on Snopes I wouldn't be surprised If like fucking Like the Paris Hilton types Did that

Really Yeah Charlie Sheen If you drop plastic bags In the ocean It's dangerous Because they look like jellyfish and male jellyfish keep trying to have sex with them and the population is decreasing

sounds plausible this is one I've actually tried to get you with in the past but I'm going to share it with the world it's that Wembley Stadium was named after the architect's wife Wendy Dimbleby a woman a woman who had a severe speech speech impediment it was originally called when but it was shortened

to wembley shortly after she died of her affliction she started to death she did that was an impediment not a stutter if someone is stung by a jellyfish i'm on a jellyfish theme today if someone is stung by a jellyfish you should pee on it because they've been stung by a jellyfish I'm on a jellyfish theme today If someone is stung by a jellyfish You should pee on it Because they've been stung by a jellyfish Which is worse than being peed on So by peeing on them You're making their day better

Technically What are they going to do Complain about being peed Like If someone is stung by a jellyfish Are you peeing on me Oh like that's the worst thing That happened to you today

You might die Get over it like that's the worst thing that happened to you today you might die get over it but it's the other leg what are you doing in my bath Mr Jellyfish when you swear by the bible

in a court of law there was actually a loophole that states that if you cross your fingers while you're doing so you're totally allowed to lie

and also they can't take you to jail if your hand's on base If you cross your fingers while you're doing so, you're totally allowed to lie. And also they can't take you to jail if your hand's on base. If you're on den. If you're on den when you're doing the crime. Made someone eye when I was on base. I was touching the lamppost. During the Holocaust, 6 million people died and 4 million ducks. Hitler hated ducks. But no one mentions it because they get all hung up on the human lives and don't want to devalue them.

Duggar Coast deniers? Nope. Holoclock deniers? Nope. That's all I've got. That's me offerings. Take them or leave them. Holocaust deflyers?

Oh no. Should have started with Holoclock. Shot the fuck. Shouldn't have started with holocaust I shot the fuck shouldn't have started go I wouldn't

like the gas bill oh no did it did it you're you're killing ducks you're

genocidally killing ducks oh right um defrosted ice cubes are a thousand times wet other than water Legally killing ducks. Defrusted ice cubes are a thousand times wet other than water. Right. Right.

Right, science. It does sound like it could be believable. Potatoes legally are classified as flowers and a bag of them is called a bouquet. That is right, isn't't it A bouquet of flowers Yeah yeah But potatoes are legally Classified

So yeah You can get a bouquet Of potatoes Yeah that's what They're not called Bags of potatoes They're sacks of potatoes It's a bouquet

Of potatoes I can see how that's plausible Now for me to make one up Oh it's going to be good Going on really high Aye Do you know that The queen was actually Born with 12 fingers All the way down her arm and down her wrist?

Like a lizard. She's a lizard. She's got a fucking new head. I think you're getting lizards and caterpillars mixed up. Lizards don't have fucking 12 fingers. No, they're not fingers, but like the spikes that they have going out there. Ah, yeah. Those ones.

They're not fingers. Oh, yeah. They look a bit reptilian, wouldn't you? If she had fingers all the way down her wrist. She does look reptilian because she's a lizard. But she had them removed not long ago, but a couple of weeks ago. On the taxpayer's money. On the taxpayer's money.

Getting rid of the queen's fingers. She sells them on eBay, £5,000 each. Nails included. Double whammy. You buy the queen's fingernails complete with fingers you can bite them off yourself put them up

with your bum you want to do your own you bought them they're not on his anymore put the queen's finger up your bum

you still have 11 left right should we go to our last game our favourite your dad jokes you go first

your dad your dad Shall we go to our last game? Our favourite. Your dad jokes. Yeah. You go first. Your dad got asked to leave Asda for planking on the checkout belt. Your dad wears clubfoot shoes when going to Alton Towers. So he can get on the rides. No, he's tall enough anyway. Just a fashion statement. When your dad goes out drinking

he keeps his phone in his bra. When your goldfish died your dad fried it and ate it. Utilised that goldfish. Never lets anything go to waste. It would be a waste of a death Your dad says lol

When he finds something mildly amusing He says it out loud with his mouth Raffle Lol Raffle Lmao Lameo Lameo

Lameo is way better if you imagine it as lick my ass out Oh yeah So every time someone puts LMAO Mum just fell over Lick my ass out Come round right now So every time someone puts LMA, oh, mum just fell over, lick my ass out. Come round right now. Your dad literally licks his wounds clean like a cat.

He's just like, I saw him skateboard once and he fell off and he grazed his knee and he just stood at the side of the road, like just knelt down, just like. There's actually antibacterial chemicals in your saliva. Oh yeah, and he's got hooks on his tongue so he can get all the germs out

and with your mum's pubes when he goes down it's like fucking velcro his tongue's stuck like he's licking a frozen lamppost that's his nickname for your mum's vagina

frozen lamppost no don't know why though so you know when I said there it was a fantastic lie when I said there's antibacterial stuff

in your saliva I was brought up like that there wasn't dog saliva and if I like cut me like finger or something like that when I was at my granite house

like I would get encouraged for the doctor to lick me wound they were trying to kill you like that's just them trying to find a way that they can marry you

but there's no traces and it got to the point where I was so sure that like the dog's saliva had like cleaning like it looks like it's own bum it's looking at shit

out of my fucking hand your parents were trying to kill you like they're trying that's honestly that's them trying to like kill you in a way but there's no ties back to them

because when you die like how did he die oh his wound was infected oh no this only comes from dog's arseholes. So the dog must have... And they're like,

oh, cry, cry, devastated. I'll tell you what, though. It backfired for them trying to kill us because I think the turn isn't of a biological weapon because I never get ill. I've never been a sickly kid. I've never got ill. And it might all be down to the dog licking my wounds.

But why do you look ill all the time, then? There's got to be some trade-off. Yeah, yeah. You never feel ill, but you always look it yeah sometimes being old you just have to thrash it out so you can look normal again I'm just holding on

right it was yours your dad always pays the exact money and says keep the change your dad got an Xbox Kinect for Christmas and played it every day since and has all the

high scores on it your mum hasn't told him yet that it's just a mirror it's keeping him very trim your dad asks for a happy ending at Reiki

and then pays the bloke 20 quid to jack off Nyeri's cock your dad self harms and licks

the woods arms. And licked the wounds. Your dad is on pay as you go and spends all his credit on ringtones. Your dad stars during Dirty Talk with Wendy Wembley. Having an affair with the architect of Wembley.

Like an air wound to clean like a cat. Dead woman. He stood us by the fucking corpse of the Wembley architect's

wife Kevin Kevin Kevin you never cease to amaze me your dad

slaps himself in the face whenever he's mad at your mam your dad goes on twitter

and asks porn stars to DM him double man him your dad and his two mates went through and starts to DM him. Double man him. Your daddy's two mates went through the McDonald's drive-thru without a car,

but the men liked the way of the car, for a laugh. That does sound like something my dad did at university. All the stories I've heard about him. Honestly, I believe you gave me a time machine, and I've heard about him like honestly I believe if you were to give me a time machine

and I was to select a random day when my dad was 19 I've got a 30% chance I'd catch him doing it your dad just committing victimless crimes high fiving his friends

after that was quality I can't wait I can't wait until the phone video gets invented in a few years time so we can capture that

because I mean as it stands we just did that for the crack. We didn't even want to post it online and share it. That was for us. Those were the days. And you could just enjoy something for what it was. Your dad wears a hijab and walks behind your mum at the shops. Your dad turns his eyelids inside out and makes McJagalips whenever he answers the door

I can do both those things the McJagalips can you do them at once can we get a photo of this and post it with the Twitter I'll do it after hold on your dad can name

all 150 original Pokemon in order but only two of his kids names what was me your dad I've just done that one your dad puts a plug in the bidet

and fills it up and then washes his arse you know when I wrote that down yeah I was worried that that's what you're meant to do what the bidet

I've never used one I always look at it like it's a fucking something from the future you reckon you just went to fucking dip your arse in it like arse soup nah nah

I always like assume you put the tap on and you just put your arse in the flow yeah and then wash it and wash it but like

I don't know why there's such a deep bowl and why there's a plug it's because some of us got dicks so like they go down below your arse yeah I suppose

like it just gives the water somewhere to go as well once it's splashed your arse it's gotta catch it but I did have a concern where I was thinking like oh fuck is that what we meant today

scruffy I'm glad we broke it down your dad nearly drowned on a log flume is that us done oh wait was that a joke yeah I thought we'd finished

ages ago no that was it that was my last one I was worried about my dad yeah I started with that right thank you very much for listening to the podcast our tour dates over the next couple of days yeah I started with that right thank you very much for listening to the podcast

our tour dates over the next couple of days are this is coming out on Thursday so tonight we are at the Slaughterhouse in Liverpool and if you've just seen us

in the Blythe, Bedlington or Ashton gigs we've been through because we're going to Ashton tonight so far it's been amazing if you want to go to another gig

we have got a gig in Cramlington with Dave Johns Jojo Smith Matt Reid and Adam Rowe. So it's a completely different lineup. And if you've been to see us already you can get it for half price. Just a fiver. And it's great. And then

on Saturday we are at Inverness Eden Court which I'm pretty sure is sold out so give it a try. Aberdeen Lemon Tree on Sunday I think it's also sold out. But give it a try. Tuesday next week if you're in Edinburgh we're doing a

work in progress show at Summerhall at 7.30 tickets for that are only £3.50 online it's all new material it's very loose and shit

but it's going to be heard for the first time possibly the last and are we joined by who? we normally get an extra person Gareth Watt

and Mark Nelson both doing equality and Craig Hill. Ah, yes, five of us. And then if you want to come see our good material, we'll be in Musselburgh as well, Southend and Glasgow next week. I can't remember the dates, but I'll get them to you by Monday. Or go on the website, my website's kaihumphreys.com

and you'll be able to find all of our diaries on there. All right, get us on Twitter, keep sharing the podcast. Thank you so much for listening. I'm so high. Au revoir. Bye.