Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.17 Thanks Giving

Episode Date: November 28, 2016

Muggins and Cream give thanks to eachother buy slaughtering each-others dad's. With Newphamisms, muggles and Rutherford the Butt Monkey. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Hola, Muggins.

Hi, Cream. How are you? Are you going to sit like that for the whole podcast? Don't ask. What, like this with my ears popping out? You've got a hoodie on and you've got your ears popping out. You look like Alfalfa from the fucking, what was the name of that movie? Little Rascals.

Little Rascals. Yeah, but like if he had severe severe severe leukemia like days left oh you meant it like like the

the alfalfa flicks a miracle right now oh it's just you look like a so I put my hood up and I like trapped my ears

and I thought well I can like pop my ears in and leave them out and look mint you don't look mint at all it's I was probably gonna like well I've had the toy monkey from when I was a kid I want the listeners to know the sacrifice and pop my ears in and leave them out and look mint you don't look mint at all I look like

Lothar Fudd the toy monkey from when I was a kid I want the listeners to know the sacrifice I go through because you only get to hear this podcast

you don't have to fucking you just get to hear an imagined guy you know as an attractive man that's what Natalie does when she listens to the podcast she imagines you look like Brad Pitt

can't see your face it's great just got a good imagination whereas I have to sit here and look at your face while you've got your fucking ears out like that. I look, wait, everyone else do it.

Wait, this is your cue. Sat in a bus. Doesn't matter where you are. Whip up a hood. Pop your ears out with a hood. Don't pull the hood up full. Just let it pop your ears out. Enjoy.

Looking awesome. No. What were you going to say before that? The Rutherford the monkey. Beg your pardon? I've been trying to tell you about my teddy. Oh, yeah. Go on. Just do the description as you did it the first time. Don't try and fucking... I beg your pardon I've been trying to tell you about my teddy oh yeah go on

just do the description as you did it the first time don't try and fucking so Rutherford the monkey is a toy from when I was a kid his stuffed toy called Rutherford he's a monkey

yep and he had ear holes nose holes a mouth hole a belly button hole I think he had a butthole did you have a sex toy as a kid no

I mean what you've described as a sex toy he had like big, thick thumbs. Oh yeah, where did those come from? How old were you

when you had this sex toy? You could put his fingers in it. You know his fingers, his toe fingers. His toes. Toe fingers. Your parents bought you a sex toy as a kid.

It might not have had a butthole, but I remember it having one. Oh yeah, but I made it have one. What's more important right

and you could stick the thumbs in toe fingers wherever you wanted them can we just call them toes that's what I'm rocking right now

I'm rocking the Rutherford the Butt Monkey look I don't feel because I've Gene hadn't heard of Rutherford the Monkey

I haven't you've shown his pictures I've googled it by the way don't google Rutherford the Butt Monkey that I googled it by the way don't google Rutherford the butt monkey that brings up

a completely different thing yeah don't do that that's Kai's blog you can read that after just google Rutherford soft toy and enjoy

buy one for yourself for Christmas wrap it up open it put your finger up it's butt Merry Christmas Google with a Fatsoft toy and enjoy. Buy one for yourself for Christmas. Wrap it up, open it, act surprised, put your finger up its butt. Merry Christmas. Just like a dog.

I'll put my head down. Thank you. We've just come back from the two most heckliest gigs we've had in a while. Yeah, and it's Give Daniel a Dicky Tummy. Well, no, Dicky Tummy's gone. Is it? No, yeah, but that...

We've stopped at several service stations on the way back. Man, that shit, like... You know, sometimes when you have? Well, no, Dicky Tummy's gone. Is it? No, yeah, but that... We've stuck with several service stations on the way back. Man, that shit, like... You know, sometimes when you have a shit, like, and, eh, like, it's a really good shit. Like, you have every shit that improves your day. Like, I remember one. I can almost remember the day. It was, like, September the 3rd, 2012.

Gene will remember it, because at the time I just had this book, and it was so great. I was like, I want you to remember this day and remind me of how happy I was for you. You actually remember the day? Oh, man, it was one of the greatest books I've ever to remember this day and remind me of how happy I was for you you actually remember the date oh man it was one of the greatest

posts I've ever had it's just like I think Jean has a diary entry oh no it wasn't that it wasn't that near enough it wasn't when she kept the diaries oh okay

yeah annoyingly but today's one was just like passed out of a cave oh it was like an obscurus was it obscurial was it like one of them

where it feels like you've like held your nose andcurial was it like one of them where it feels like you've like held your nose and pushed in and just like tensed out and just blew it out your arse

but you didn't put in any effort yeah like how did that fire out with so much aggression when I didn't it just it's

you know when you it was the consistency of you know when you used to like get toilet paper and wet and then throw it at the ceiling

you mean used to anything I've just been? That was the consistency of the shit. It was absolutely fucking brutal. Yeah, brought on by hecklers. Oh yeah, because in Inverness yesterday, if you were in the Inverness crowd, Jesus Christ, just incoherent heckling.

Now, as we discuss in the podcast, if you heckle, I'll engage to a bit, but it's got to make sense and it's got to be good. There was one heckle that was non-malicious, made a bit of it's got to make sense and it's got to be good there was one heckle that was non-malicious made a bit fun but the rest of them

were just morons shouting shit and then there was two and I will say this because I know you're not listening to the podcast two fucking bents who just chant

all the way through and then they followed her home practically followed my grandad home yeah back into the hotel bar and just sat and

niawa after heckling all the way through and then complaining at the end and then just loitered and niawa yeah followed us to a bar and it wasn't like we went to the hour after like heckling all the way through and then complaining at the end and then just loitered in the hour yeah followed us to a bar and it wasn't like we went to the same part like we went to our hotel bar

which we needed a key to get into and they got in behind us and weren't staying at the hotel fucking weirdos you just stayed at the hotel bar luckily you had your whole family rowding stuff yeah

fucking those models your mum totally flirted with me by the way she did not flirt with you like textbook flirting like NLP mate a what? neurolinguistic programming

like fucking like NLP's bollocks by the way yeah I know but your mum tried it right you know when

someone's read the NLP books it's like she'd read the game she was nagging us are you sure she wasn't just insulting you

and then because of your sunny disposition in life she was like Kai you are a wasn't just insulting you because of your sunny disposition in life? She was like, Kai, you are a fucking piece of shit. You're like, oh man, she's gagging for a piece.

Yeah, I was. She was saying all kinds of stuff like that. She was like, get the fuck out of my face. I don't want to spend any more time with you. Man, she is gasping. She was going, you're so intelligent for a Geordie, which is like Islam.

They're a little bit racist towards Geordies. It's slap, but with a cuddle, with you're so intelligent. So itordie which is like a slam yeah like a little bit racist towards Geordies like a slap but with a cuddle with your so intelligent so it was like she mocked us but then put a compliment

in there and made us feel warm and fuzzy inside I mean I feel like she was just ripping you nah man she was hitting on us she tried to kiss us

she tried to kiss you yeah there's well we've got What was I talking about? I don't know I was talking I went wistfully I went wistfully

Thinking about your mum Like genuinely Just you and her Running down a beach Yeah Swinging away Swinging Kicking jellyfish back

In the sea With your bare feet Scrubbing her in the sea. With your bare feet. Scrubbing her in the sand. Kicking sand at her. Just flirting, you know the way she does. Old mastyleg.

Old playground antics. I bury her in her face down. So you get heckled? I do get heckled. I didn't get heckled at all in either of those gigs. Yeah, because I bet the audience were worried if they shouted that you were a sheep you you'd be like

oh man they're floating with me boo get off stage man Sunday's horny Sunday's horny we ain't left of the show playing hard to get

are we flirty crowds I got the best heckle at Ashton You did It was fucking unreal It was like

It went down so slick that I thought it might look staged You know when you just like feel And on the rehearsals

Yeah So I asked if anyone had a second language and somebody shouted from the back I may Punjabi But they said

It was like a thick Geordie Not i me punjabi but they said like a thick jordy not even jordy like ashton like that proper ashton twang and punjabi in that accent it's punjabi i made me punjabi punjabi you know i was on the stage thinking well at one i couldn't see the audience member because it was dark but i felt like i couldn't say that because if the guy was punjabi then I might just look like I was being racist you know what I mean so that was my

thing I can't say it check if if you're just some fucking toothless Ashton bloke with tattoos on his neck that clearly hasn't

been Punjabi so I wasn't sold but I didn't make a meal of it all I said all I said was alright then if you do speak Punjabi

you want to call this bluff i went translate this and i have actually learned some punjabi i don't know why i learned this but uh it was fucking way back i just memorized the verse from punjab mcs so i just went in it not even fully memorized i don't even i'm not even doing it right i guess but i just went and people just enjoying that. And I went, all right, and translate that. Because you know the words, yeah.

Huh? I went, translate that, thinking that he was going to translate it. And he went, no, mate, it goes like this. And he belted out the sickest rendition of Punjab MCs I've ever fucking heard. It was spot on and word for word.

And for a solid 30 seconds. Oh, it was fucking mind blowing I just had to sit down I grabbed a seat on stage and I was just like fuck you guys get to sit down and enjoy the comedy

I'm gonna sit down and enjoy the comedy you got fucking wrecked son but mate how good is it like if a heck lad brings that kind of game oh yeah yeah

then that's a moment I don't need to try and steal that back I don't need to try and pip a wien at the end of it to try and walk away with the glory fucking let the dude have that yeah I don't need to try and pip a wien at the end of it to try and walk away with the glory fucking let the dude

have that yeah I agree with some heckles that if they're funny I will give full fucking kudos but in the same if it's shit

like I'm just I'm not even going to be because I won't reply viciously back because I don't want to set the precedent I feel like sometimes if someone heckles

and you put them down then they go oh this is what we want the show to be oh people want to be rinsed yeah so I don't I just take the fun out of it I just go what was someone heckles and you put them down then they go oh this is what we want the show to be oh people want to be rinsed yeah so I don't I just make I just

I take the fun out of it I just go what was your heckle do it again I'm not making this funny I'm just showing you my control of the situation and then they shut up

but fucking Inver Schnecky last night Jesus Christ bunch of fucking gobshakes there was a few of them for you wasn't there yeah a couple in Inverness and it was just

apparently but they are like that normally apparently in Inverness everyone was saying up there like they heckled quite a bit It's getting Christmas drinker season as well

Yeah yeah yeah The fucking amateur hour As solid alcoholics Who are doing it Year in Year out Day to day Like a god damn champ

Then all these fucking muggles At their fucking Christmas parties Just come out from under the rock Do it for the first time And think they're the fucking Greatest drinkers under the sun Get a couple of shandies in them And then fucking

Putting bins through Bus windows Fucking rain it in Lay it out on the handle of your drink That is one of the things they're the fucking greatest drinkers under the sun get a couple of shandies in them and then fucking put bins through bus windows fucking rein it in, learn how to handle your drink that is one of the things I can handle my drink very very well see when you're with someone who can't handle it I've got friends that are bad drunks

and I'm like why do you do, you're not in control like I always do drinks and drugs to heighten an experience to not get completely out of my head I'm always there the pilot's always in yeah then you meet people who just incoherent gone you're like what do you get out of that do you know what I'm a kid I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna say this I think Scottish drinkers are renowned for being good drinkers but they're actually bad drinkers because Scottish people are known world around for being good drinkers, right?

But I just think it's because they're known for being drunks. Like when you get drunk, Scottish people, they get fucking leery. Because if someone can handle a drink, they'll be ten pints in,

they'll be stood next to you chatting, right? But if someone's leery drunk, like the Scottish can get, and to the point, you can't deny it because they've put a curfew on your drinking.

You can only buy after ten at night. There's a drinking problem here. It's not a problem if you can't deny it because they've put a curfew on your drinking you can only buy after 10 at night i think the drinking problem here it's not a problem if you can handle your drink but i don't know you i think you're putting it fully down there's there's there's no without scott i've just done your punch drunk gigs it was the exact same type of drunk there is there's no way it would be exclusive to scotland i get that down in london whenever you do the fuck you've done the manchester store on a sat Manchester store On a Saturday Friday Saturday Exact same people Nah Yeah

Scottish drunks are feral Nah Are Scottish drunks feral No No No more than anyone else No more than anyone else No

Oh fuck Have you been out in Glasgow Yeah It's feral But I wouldn't say any more feral Than fucking Manchester or Liverpool No No

Because in Scotland It gets scary When people are fucking How mad Nah People are dangerous Nah Nah Is this a swing and a miss fucking Manchester Liverpool no because in Scotland it gets scary when people are fucking how mad nah people are dangerous nah nah

is this a swing and a miss total miss nah you're just being Scottish trying to claim your heritage no no not at all

but I don't because I get more nervous on nights out in fucking London and fucking Manchester is when I hate going out because that's

fucking because Scottish football because Scottish football... Because Scottish football is shit. We don't really have... Ah, you're the hooliganism of your own football. Yeah.

We don't really have it as much whereas you go down fucking south. I feel like you've never been to Glasgow. I have. Are you saying... Fuck, that's the fucking worst... That's the worst... Yeah, but like, okay,

between Rangers and Glasgow, but not... Like, Hibs and Hearts hate each other, but it's like an adorable level. It's just called Celtic Glasgow for a minute I was the bad guy

shit up Scotland you just went Rangers and Glasgow you're called Celtic Glasgow is that not an insult to Rangers though technically

I don't know depends on how you look at it that's like Schrodinger's insult that's a massive insult to Rangers I think as if you consider Celtic to be Glasgow

or if it's just one name or I'm doing it the name of the one I don't remember do you find as well we're stepping on dangerous territory

because football fans are the most sensitive you know when you if you say something on Twitter it's all good but if you say something about

another football team oh yeah you're dead it incites proper trolls from the Twitterverse what are you looking for my fucking e-cig

hold on are you missing your e-cig I did I'm getting fucking shy at the moment do you have any topics you want to bring up or should we just go straight

on to Muggles because I've got a few yeah we'll spit a couple of Muggles speaking of Muggles we've just went to watch the new oh the new Hazza Pazza

the reality of the fantastic fantastic beats of Mr Lemony Snicket's in this fantastic beats of Mr Lemony Snicket's in this fantastic unfortunate event. I was trying to think of the Imaginarium guy, what was that? Oh, the Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus. Yes.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the new Harry Potter film which I've seen for the second time and it is fucking amazing. I would have loved that movie as a kid. I loved it now but it's just such a flight of fancy for the imagination. Oh, it's just great. So this is No Matches Corner.

Heh, heh, heh. Not good. See? Muggle's laughed at that joke getting the corner for 30 seconds. For those of you who haven't listened to the podcast before, me and Kai, Harry Potter fans,

we use the term muggle to describe people we just think are a bit dull and fucking plain. And I feel like I've sort of brought it himself because last week on the podcast i brought up people that talk during fucking comedy shows and then lo and behold every goddamn fucking gig since then that's been the problem you've summoned it i've just i've jinxed it i went to the mirror before the show and was like oh muggle audience muggle audience muggle audience and then something

fucking turned up wow uh so this this but I want to start off with one that was you said it wasn't muggly a couple of weeks ago on the podcast yeah

so you're going to reinstate one no because I've got evidence now okay so remember when I got on the podcast I suggested that

muggles like horses right and you went against that and it didn't end up in Muggle Corner. Because you and I play a funny game on Facebook where we just tag each other in stupid stuff to do with like sisters and stuff. People who tag other people in things

are full-on muggles to the nth degree. It's not Muggle Corner because it doesn't need to be. That's just... So we just emulate muggle. Yeah. By tagging each other into shit. Yeah, like tag a sister who's been brave this year

Tag your favourite niece All that stuff Tag someone who plays with your hair Yeah So the one I got the other day Was tag a friend you met Because of horses And it's two girls walking away

And I was like Hilarious Tagged you in it Right You laughed Did you read the comments Underneath From the actual people

That didn't do it ironically No Right This is proof that muggles love horses uh someone said to her friend so thankful we were at the barn at the same time the courage we had to talk to each other and you became my best friend and stood by my side at my wedding oh what a sweet muggle pretty much everyone I know but Lisa and Jess, even though I already knew you.

But you know, horses. You're the only two I really like. Jenny, I blame you for my love of horses. Lol, not really. I'm eternally grateful. Lol. Ondine 21. Velvet.

Tralee. Chula and Amber. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Oh, and Sundance. Always wanted to ride him. How is this not full muggle? Sundance was the guy that worked at the barn. Now look at us with the same yard

and our ponies. Who would have thought doing a BHS horse owner's course eight and a plus years ago to get a pretty naughty school children. Hold on, I've not read this one. What happened to your voice? I thought you were running out of battery. I just hadn not read this one. What happened to your voice? I thought you were running out of battery. I just got to...

I hadn't read this one through. Who would have thought doing a BHS horse owner's course eight years ago? British Home Stores. That's a BHS, isn't it? Yeah. No.

No, maybe you can. They've got a bank, haven't they? They've got all kinds of stuff. Stable. Like a Groupon. Rock climbing. Horse training. They kinds of stuff. Stable. Like a group on. Rock climbing. Horse training. They do all kinds.

No, horse training's a job. BHSI, you can do skydiving with them. I don't know if you're fantastic lying, man. Where to hide them. I'm just making a lot of departments in the BHS that... Yes, they've got to do a horse degree. Apparently, yeah. Is it like Bachelor of something?

Bachelor of Horse Quest? That's a Q. No. No, I don't know. I just... BH Honours? In horses? British Home Stores.

Well. That's my proof that muggles like horses. And I failed to see how you can disagree. Okay, they were muggles. Yeah. And they liked horses. Yeah. Those muggles yeah and they liked horses yeah those muggles liked horses right

but there was a lot of them but I'd like to guess that if you go on anything to do with Conor McGregor there'll be a bunch of muggles talking about like

just bullshit yeah but then we also find like these were the top these were the top liked ones right Conor McGregor's top comments so it's like

it's someone's saying a's... Someone's saying a valid point. Someone's saying a valid point. Top 118 likes. Oh my god, Sarah, remember when we rode on Chernobyl? Chernobyl's a terrible name for a horse. I don't know where I went there.

He called it Chernobyl. It's a rescue horse. Who are you riding? Oh, I'm on the Holocaust Where's jet fuel and steel beams? Where are they? Oh man, apartheid's in the field again Paul Pot, where is he?

Oh he's a little Little Paul Pot Pony Paul Pot, where is he? Oh, he's a little Paul Pot Pony. Pony Paul Pot. Paul Pot Pit Pony. Oh, no, no, no, Paul Pot Pit Pony. So get in the corner. If you thought you were off your horse, drink your milk. Get in the corner. What was that of?

Get off your horse and drink your milk? Nowhere. That's a phrase of something. Get off your horse and drink your milk. I think it might have a phrase of something. Get off your horse and drink your milk. I think it might have been an advert back in my day, but my dad used to be a dad joke and go, get off your milk and drink your horse. And I would laugh and go, oh, dad.

Right, what was the advert? Get off your horse and drink your milk. What was the context? It was like a Western. He drinks his milk and he's dead strong like a cowboy. Is it the Milky Bar kid? It's his Milky Bar, right? That's him. You know it. Milky Bar's around me, that guy.

His dad. The Milky Bar dad. The Milky Bar man. The Milky Bar dad would get off his horse and drink his milk. And the Milky Bar dad joke was get off your Milky Bar and drink your kid. I don't know where I'm going with this either. I'm also lost down this path.

To reiterate the point, if you are into horses and you like horses or you own horses, I understand you love them, you're probably a decent human being, but that particular part of your life is just very mancly. So on you go in the corner yeah you can be all your legs but

no I'm not like that but you are you just gotta saddle up and take it go and stand in the corner for 30 hands you can't deny it two weeks on the trot I was going to say weeks on the trot. I was going to say something about the trots you had,

but we didn't get to harvest that one. Oh, man. Wait, the horse harvest? No, just harvest the joke. I don't know. I don't know either. What's in this weed? Because I think it's broken.

It's good, though. I'm liking it. Okay. I'm handling it real well. Guy's doing handstands. I've got my ears out again. Brother for the butt monkey. Can we talk about... Kevin.

The Facebook status being taken at face value. Oh, yeah. Yesterday I put on, I found out Fidel Castro died, and I just put a quick knee-jerk joke on, now Fidel Castro 2016 when when will you end which is clearly just a parody of the muggles that are like are such and such as dead 2016 people jump on i think we've spoke about already like 2016 ain't to blame it's not like oh the year i think we've muggle cornered people for that before right

so i put this like fake muggly status but it was clearly a parody because the person that died was a fucking evil dictator that I don't know much about to elaborate on. But eh... Yeah, so the joke was you just being like... I even put a Laffy emoji at the end because that's the language of people that can't get sarcasm.

Oh, it totally is. You see when people type in like generally type in lol or raffle, like that's so long ago. when people type in like generally type in lol or raffle like that's so long ago that wasn't necessarily in like text and stuff sometimes you've got to do it just so people don't

take it at face value because there's no fun for sarcasm yeah but you did it the right way at the end it's people who do it mid-sentence hey how are you lol

really yeah how are you so I put that on in a couple of people commented one of them was oh I think people are forgetting that he's a dictator of people commented one of them was oh I think people

are forgetting that he's a dictator that held some of our countrymen captive and then I go like I think you're missing the joke dude

like I'm not I'm not mourning the loss I'm not devastated I've not got a Fidel Castro tattoo but then someone put on which would have been very funny had I been like

oh whatever who just died recently like Alan Rickman's died 2016 when will you end and someone put on I think somewhere around December being like oh whatever who just died recently like Alan Rickman's died 2016 when will you end in someone put on I think somewhere around

December which is just a little bitch slap if you've been a I just felt like it was a shit joke what mine was no the her one

oh his yeah or his was it Gary mine was a shit joke as well yeah you brought it on yourself but the fact that people took it at face value

was killing us I was just like oh no do people think i'm that much of a fucking muggle yeah like really but they went to put that uh somewhere near the end which is like a little slap to someone that has been a muggle got more likes than you would got so many likes and i was looking at that list of likes going all of you people thought i was being a muggle but does that not make you question your ways like see if people thought I was racist and would, like, stop. I would, like, really look at all the things in my life and be like, right, clearly I'm doing something

for everyone. The fact that everyone thinks you're a muggle does not mean you're maybe doing a bit too many muggly things. No, but I wasn't doing a muggly thing that time. They're just interpreting it as. I was doing a clear parody and they were just like,

oh, fucking another one. But if they're assuming you're being muggled, that means that they're like, oh, he's not smart enough to be doing a sarcastic thing he needs to re-evaluate your life nah because

sometimes I think when I think I'm right it doesn't take three people to say I'm wrong I could have like a million people saying I was wrong

and I was like you're going to have to prove me I am yeah good one Trump what's your muggle corner you are a muggle corner? You are a muggle if someone buys you a foot spa you haven't even done anything

but the fact that someone thinks a foot spa is the thing that you want or that you're going to need for Christmas Like if someone buys you a foot spa you've made too many fucking wrong turns and someone's just given you a big ass muggle stamp to put your feet in You seem like someone who gets stressed on their feet

someone wants to get their feet wet slut as well like who's like you know I've got an hour to myself

I'm going to submerge my feet the phone rings you're like I've got wet feet I'm in a house there's not even any fish in it

what's the fucking point as well as well like why your feet I mean it says foot foot spa but I think any fish in it what's the fucking point and as well as well like why you have feet well I mean it says foot

foot spa but I think foot's a recommendation spa whatever the fuck you want in it your face put your hands in just get in all fours put your hands in

watch box sets on your foot on all fours like a dog fucking drink out of it spa your face spa your tongue

yeah spa your butt bidet have you done fucking drink it out of it spot your face spot your tongue yeah spot your butt bidet if you turn that foot spot on it's just me old Joe I'm ready to be a dad

if someone bites your foot spot man you've lost yeah yeah I just think like the red card

you're off because that means there's been points that means like the conversations you it's just you're off because that means there's been points that means like the conversations you've had with them you've been like oh man I've been

on my feet all day and it's just sometimes it's nice to come back but you're just on the balls are you the pummel stone aye

you know those things where it's just like a cheese grater for your foot I just can't get I got I got little what they call

the little funyuns what they call the funyuns bun The little Funyuns What they called Bunions Funyuns Funyuns I thought I went for funcles Is that not like a

A candy in America A funyun No funyuns is like The onion crisps Funyuns Is it Bye I didn't know that

There you go You learn something new Every podcast I bet you forget a lot as well I'm going to make room It's one in one out Right You'll learn something Forget something immediately I think this is going to be A long one Because I'm just going to say lot as well gonna make room it's one in one out right forget something

immediately I think this is gonna be a long one because I'm just gonna say something just put your hand on your

pants yeah oh no it was up your top Jesus I thought you just reached in and went this is

gonna be a long one oh damn it's cold I'm gonna say something and I'm not gonna specify where the muggle

in it is because I'm not really sure where the muggle fully lies in it but I know there's a lot of guilty muggles in this radio one we have been driving uh up in we've been

driving all over the uk and the only radio station that's available in all those places but we don't have to change it is radio one now i don't know i haven't hunted i don't listen to the radio a lot but there's some points when it's all right it's the occasional tune but my problem lies with some of the music they put on at night is literally i feel like an old man at the age of 26 i'm like this is awful like this is actually awful like this is not music in it one today made me so angry that i was like for a while i understood understood internet trolls. Like, like, I was listening to this song that was so shit, I was like,

I want to send this guy death threats. Like, that's how shit you are. You just want to give him a hard time on Twitter for making the music. And I was, like,

in my head, I finally got, I'm like, oh God, now I've got sympathy for like, see if I ever get trolled online. I'm like, fuck,

is that how I made you feel? I'm so sorry. Like, because I'm a normal human being, I fucking, I hate trolling and fucking online bullying, but at that point and I'm like fuck is that how I made you feel I'm so sorry because I'm a normal I fucking hate trolling and fucking online bullying but at that point

I'm like oh I want to fucking fight this man whoever just the worst music and then the DJs the banter call-ins oh my

trying to like use something as a hook to get people to call in to have discussions so one of the originally it was just going to be my original suggestion

was just going to be muggles text into radio stations right which is they do but then I just it's all encompassing isn't it I feel sorry for the

DJs because they've got to I hated them for a bit then I just said simply like you've got to feign joy you can't be like the good thing

about the podcast is we can be miserable pieces of shit like fuck you we can't get fired you're choosing to listen to this but their job relies on them trying to make banter out of this shit sanitising because we can be miserable pieces of shit. Like, fuck you, we can't get fired. You're choosing to listen to this.

But their job relies on them trying to make banter out of this shit and muggle shit. Sanitising it to the point that they've actually got nothing left to say and they're just saying stuff anyway. Today's one, the whole thing was there. It's like, are you competitive? Parents texted. And then Janie would get on the phone.

She'd be like, Hiya, hiya, Scott or whoever. My name's Janie would get on the phone she'd be like Scott or whoever my name's Janie so my husband when we got the wee for Christmas he stayed up three hours the night before so he could get better at it

and so he could beat them on Christmas morning and then he was like so he's a very good bet oh that's a horror story. You are forcing this in my fucking, like, I'm a victim in a car here. Like, I trust you to keep me awake. Right. And focus.

And you are plundering my fucking eardrums with the most mundane. Waterboarding you a fucking dumb. I'm like, what secrets do you want to know? I'll sing like a canary What did I'm phoning up Being like My pin code's

8729 My first bank Was when I was 12 years old It was in my parents room What are you It was in my parents room I stole my mum's catalogue

I flicked it Page 87 The middle one's catalogue Is the larger Rating section I killed two people In Amsterdam I did What are you They're buried I flicked it. Page 87, the middle one, catalogues the large rape section. I killed two people in Amsterdam. I didn't... They're buried under one of the...

Like, it's so awful. And I don't know who's... First of all, the muggles are... The Texan are... I tried to pretend to be one of the people that was being entertained by them. You know, when you were driving and I was the passenger,

they'd done this big section on Radio 1 that was a shout-out to the navigator, a shout-out to the one who's in the passenger seat. Your responsibility's bigger than the driver's. You've got to keep the right music on. I was like, well, fucking rat us out for failing. Fucking picked the wrong channel. So I'm sat navigating, and I'm just going,

yeah, we are, and just putting that fucking pretending to be in on it and enjoying it and it just doesn't work who is the guy who is the person that sat there in the past

and just said enjoying that shit yeah it's the it's the lowest it's like you know when you see fucking companies online trying to get involved

with memes and stuff like you're just like this is it's your grandad trying to play Xbox that you're talking about that's what it feels like a lot of these fucking DJs are trying to do which this is it's your granddad trying to play xbox thing talking about that's why it feels like a lot of these

fucking DJs are trying to do which is like it's the lowest form of comedy just don't do it like just put music like people enjoy

radio one to five but like we've listened to it for a week and I was hating it more often than I was liking it why when there's options

are people allowing themselves to be force fed why are people getting force fed the radio when they could listen to a podcast

why are people watching fucking this shit on TV like fucking date my dad or whatever the fuck's happening like goggle box all that stuff that's like force-fed there when you can go on netflix and pick a box set you can go and choose a documentary on youtube you've got the multitude of options but you're going you're just going right what am i having to eat i think i think one of the things is is is the music like Radio 1 does put out tunes I've never heard before and some of them are good, some of them are fucking

shite and maybe they're just not for me and then also I think Scott Mills and Grimmie are both good, they're like they sort of own it but they're the more sarcastic ones. But even then they've been given their limitations however skillful they are. Do you know I used to

photo to 4th 1 when I was 18 and drive back mogul oh totally but like there was a late night oh what was it

Dean some late night fucking thing and just some old guy was talking about his marriage and wanted advice so at the age of 19

I phoned up how old are you I was like I've always had a deep voice so I was like I'm 27 and just lied advice to this guy

about his fucking marriage I think I saved it did you aye he seemed to listen to me he was a villain

just like a 19 year old in a car on the way back from a gig now he's practising on the fucking way so that when the kids get up for

Christmas he can be them oh it's just so competitive like there was one time we were having pizza and I said I was as hungry as a horse

and he went up and he googled animals bigger than a horse and he went up and he googled animals bigger than a horse so he could tell me he was hungry you're like shut the fuck up cunt competitive man

so if you are I think for this Muggle Corner if you text into radio stations oh you're absolutely in the corner which brings us into another one

a tweet that was suggested which was people writing suggestions from Muggle Corner someone said that and I was like oh the god and then they filled up

with people that don't understand irony yeah because she was being ironic she was being ironic but it is that it had layers I do feel like

if we're saying people that text in how is it any different to the people that tweet us but we do ask for it but then are we also as guilty as the fucking radio presenters

yeah maybe because like people are enjoying the Muggle Corner and so they should I think it's but people enjoying that mundane shit are we

I don't think this is mundane yeah because we're being angry with this isn't I just mean the radio mundanities like the the faux joy yeah I don't know

maybe we are being hypocrites no no but I feel like if you're texting a thing and if you listen to Radio 1 I'm sorry like based on the two weeks

of experience I've been given Muggle yeah we tried it out wasn't for us. Muggle Corner. Anyone that feels better about themselves when they read memes online that say things like creative people are messy or intelligent people

swear more. If you go, I swear more, I'm smart. There's no correlation. People that aren't intelligent don't swear. Seven things that people who procrastinate Are actually way more productive It's like celebrating Like an aspect of your life

That's got a lot of room for improvement Celebrating it and just going Hey that's okay because it means you're intelligent Studies say that gin drinkers are more prone To be sociopathic Haha Ginny this is us Shut up can't you No just stop going,

oh, I do that, that means I'm the other thing. It's like, someone's just given you this simple formula, this equals this, and you've went, well, I'm that,

that means I'm that, and I feel good about myself now. Okay, can we also throw in, only 90s kids will understand this, only 80s kids will understand, no, no, I get references. I talk to people who aren't at my age bracket.

I keep up to date. I listen to my parents when they talk about their childhood. I know that thing. Was it a cassette tape? Yeah, you put a pencil under a winder. I know that. Only 80s kids will understand what they've heard of Book Monkey. I don't even think they would. I think it's just you.

Yeah, I think, but it's the same thing with motivation we kind of cover motivational things but yeah I totally agree just relating to anything you're allowed to relate to things online absolutely fine like I relate to some memes but I just in my head I'm like that's me just my head

to put it out to the public and be like right guys right that is me right guys I'm quirky, huh? Nerds. Muggles. This is kind of in the vein of the Radio 1 one, but it happens at gigs.

I get it a lot. So I'm going to be selling you a lot down the river. Muggles ask for birthday shout-outs. I get that so often on Twitter. People are like, oh, my mate's coming up to see you in Aberdeen. Can you do a shout-out? No. I get that so often on Twitter and people be like or even on my birthday people be like oh my mate's coming up to see you in Aberdeen

can you do a shout out no happy birthday and all but I've got a show to do but his name's John can you do a joke about him nah

he's a driving instructor you must have loads about that oh yeah I've just been preparing for fucking John the taxi driver I've been working on the show for six fucking months honing it every day

so I can just fuck around with like what alienate the 299 other people who don't know John the fucking I may send

a letter a hint a letter an email to the audience just going oh it's my mum and dad's anniversary

they're coming to the cinema tonight to watch I, Daniel Blake could you just pause the movie halfway through and say happy anniversary

to Linda and Kevin just yeah any even any public requests like that like you know when you go to football matches

and a special announcement today to James it's his third birthday I'm like alright to the kid that's probably cool hearing your name

but the ordeal the parents had to go through probably cost like 80 quid probably cost you 80 quid just just lying telling he misheard it. Like, oh, did you not hear that? They said your name. No, I did.

He won't remember his tooth. Don't fuck him. I would fall for that at 33. You know, if I was in a match going, oh, you missed it. You said happy birthday, guy. I'd be there going, oh, God, look at all these people looking at us. Guy, Guy, we were just on the kiss, can't we have missed it? I was wondering why you weren't kissing. Guy, Guy, we were just on the kiss camp Have we missed it?

I was wondering why you were kissing I thought you were just feeling frisky Yeah, so any birthday shoutouts? Les Mugles Et toi The three Muggles No, the Muggle and you, toi Oh, maybe, I don't know Muggle et toi

Muggle et toi That's Menage a trois, three But I feel like Et tu That's it Et tu I'm thinking Voulez-vous coucher

Mugle moi That's what you were thinking Isn't it It was not Is that where you were going with it It was absolutely not Is there any more of that spliff left Surely

Alright There's more spliff though If you want to make one Let's have a joint And we can do your last muggle one Everyone go for a joint break Or guess We are back

we're back what's your final muggle quarter I'll pad for a bit I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a

I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a

I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a

I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a

I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a

I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a

I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a

I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a I've got a back in your ears that's last thing Black Friday and Thanksgiving in the UK oh yeah wait Thanksgiving in the UK people are celebrating Thanksgiving and doing Black Friday

and stuff oh Black Friday I think is it's like a sales day but it's a tribute to Thanksgiving but why do we have it in the UK

and why are people complying to it Black Friday I think it's just there's Christmas sales I don't think it's got too much to do with Thanksgiving I just think it coincides in America doesn't it it's Black Friday it in the UK and why are people complying to it? Black Friday, I think it's just this Christmas sales. I don't think it's got too much to do with Thanksgiving. I just think it coincides in America.

Does it? It's Black Friday. It's the Friday before Thanksgiving. Oh. And everyone over here has gotten on board with it over the last couple of years. Why is it called Black Friday? Is it a racist thing? No, I think it's just because it's dangerous.

Oh, okay. I mean, even the fact that it's called that, it's the people that camp out again. Yeah. I do agree doing that. But I don't know people in the UK celebrate Thanksgiving. Did I tell you about the fact that it's called that, like it's the people that camp out again, yeah. I do agree doing that, but I didn't know people in the UK celebrated Thanksgiving. Did I tell you about the one Thanksgiving I've had? What, in America? I was genuinely one of the fucking greats.

I was out doing the comedy works in Denver, Colorado, and this was just before the legalised marijuana there. And I'm there in the club Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I get there on a Wednesday and I do one night there, and they're like, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm like, I'll probably just sit in my room Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I get them on the Wednesday and I do one night there. And they're like, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm like, I'm probably just sitting in my room getting high and masturbating. And then I'll come to the gig. They're like, there's no gig tomorrow.

I was like, what? They're like, it's Thanksgiving tomorrow. There's no gig. And I'm like, oh. On a Thursday? Yeah. I thought it was always on a Saturday. Is it not?

No, no, it's always on a Thursday. Yeah, because Thanksgiving was yesterday. So it's always on a Thursday. It's a Saturday, yesterday. Oh, is it? Oh, maybe it was on a Thursday. It was a Saturday yesterday. Oh, was it? Or maybe it was a Saturday. You're confused. I'm very confused.

Right, so you're going to invite the Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, whatever the fucking day was. I'd done some gigs, and then there was none of them tomorrow. And the staff, who I'd just known for two days at this point, were like, what are you doing for? I'm like, nothing. They're like, do you want to come to ours? We have a staff one.

And I'm like, all right, OK. What time should I go around? And they're like, I'll just come to ours we have a staff one and I'm like alright okay what time should I go around and they're like I'll just come around for about 12 don't know what to expect just turn up with some booze some wine some

fireball some shots and fucking just get in and this isn't a traditional American Thanksgiving but they've just they're rolling joints fucking constantly they've got

edibles they've got little fucking mouse spray stuff for getting high and then you just spend the whole day cooking together like they had a guy

this guy so it was quite civilised and it wasn't all beer pong and shit no not at all but it was like we were drinking a lot

frank the tank bullshit it was just everyone fucking sat around and like some of the weirdest food that tasted amazing like sweet potato where they put

marshmallows on top fucking hell which sounded disgusting I swear to god that with gravy stoner food oh mate so all day they've got this fucking with gravy with gravy Stoner food Oh mate So all day

They've got this fucking With gravy With gravy So it wasn't made into a sweet No no That's like part of the main course Right They've got all this weird

Fucking stuff Sweet potato marshmallows With gravy Yeah No sweet potato over marshmallows But you put gravy on top Because I tried the sweet potato marshmallow I was like

This is going to taste rancid And it was proper good And I put gravy on it And I'm like With fucking marshmallow And you sit there And you're like Oh I understand why people In this country are fat I was like, this is going to taste rancid. And it was proper good. And I put gravy on it. I'm like, with fucking marshmallows. And you sit there and you're like, oh, I understand why people in this country are fat.

Like, if the food is this good. How can you make sweet potatoes such a healthy food so unhealthy? Put marshmallows and gravy on it. I just fuck it up. No carbs before Benidob's. But just the whole day smoking weed. And then the table, they just passed around fucking joints you sat there and drank and it was like it was the thing

you know how you say you don't like Christmas and stuff and I always said the reason I like it is because the big social aspect of it with my family it was the exact same thing like it felt like a fucking Christmas but with people the same age as me it was fucking spectacular but do you think you could bring it back here and go oh Thanksgiving's amazing out there

let's do it let's buy into this fucking market and let's have a Thanksgiving I think you just you know you just make sure you do

Christmas like it what's the nature of it then do they just like give thanks to each other yeah well it's just because it's

a holiday and everyone's off like it's nobody fucking works and the football's on and stuff like that so it's

just because it's on a weekend and stuff, everyone gets it off. So it's when everyone goes back to their family and, you know, gives thanks. Well, I think we should give thanks to each other now for Thanksgiving. Thanks for recommending me some good books.

I've been reading American Gods. Hi. Good book, thank you. I'm thankful for you always putting up with the con I do where I will always drive to the gig so that means I can drink at the gig and sleep in the car on the way back. You think I haven't noticed when you're chugging cider

and I go, I've got the graveyard shift again. But I'm thankful that you don't try and compete with it because it's a proper shit thing I do every day. Because you never want to drive in the morning and I'm like I don't want to drive you either but not as much as I don't want to drive at 5 o'clock in the morning Well I'm thankful that when you go into service stations he sometimes brings out snacks

I'm thankful that you're always a good radio DJ you're always a good radio DJ. You're always a good navigator. Always keeping me on my toes. Finally, finally the recognition that I've yearned for. I love Thanksgiving.

Thanks for giving us thanks just then, by the way. Thanks for recognising my thanks of your thanks. And also thanks to all the muggles who made this week particularly easy so your punishment is if you're guilty of any of these things stand in the corner for 30 seconds run through those are if you ask for birthday shout outs in anything

go sing happy birthday to yourself in the corner you fucking muggle if you listen to Radio 1 or text them to Radio 1 and I know maybe we got a bad two weeks of it I understand but you've been outvoted and this is not a fucking democracy. Hashtag Trump's America. Get in the corner, you ready one fucking muggle.

And you thought you dodged the fucking slicing block a couple of weeks ago, you horse-loving muggles? Well, guess what? Cream bank with a vengeance, this time with evidence like a fucking lawyer. Go ride your fucking horse into a corner, you muggly muggle fuck. Yes, way. Yes, way. get in the corner. And also, if you buy into the Black Friday sales and go running around the shops like a melon

when we don't even do Thanksgiving, you're as bad as the people that riot. Yeah. You're those guys and a muggle. Go and pay your dues in the corner. If you feel better when you read that being creative people are sometimes messy, intelligent people swear more, or as the other one, sociopaths drink gin and you think oh i do one of them now i'm the

other one it also means muggle creative yeah muggle muggle muggle uh if someone buys you a foot spa you've been red-carded you've been sent off. Like we didn't even know you as a muggle. Your sister did. Oh mate, put a big flag over you. You're fucking blacklisted. You're like when the fucking people walk into the casinos and they've been blue balled. A2 muggle.

A2. Yep, getting the fucking wicker man. See if your foot spa's gonna get you out of that one oh good have your foot spa on the corner

you fucking stressed out muggle fuck bunions your funyun onions and your wet cankles with your

fucking ankle bracelet with seashells on it I don't know if you're allowed to get it wet like a watch

it's just got seashells on it of course it's allowed if you're allowed to get it wet like a watch. It's just got seashells on it because it's allowed to get wet. Where do you think it'd come from? It's like I'm releasing it back. Right, now for another game that we've not played in a while but we're a big fan of is Newphemisms where me and Kai come up with new euphemisms for things

that need new euphemisms. I don't need to explain this anymore. We're doing new euphemisms. I don't need to explain this anymore. So we're doing new euphemisms this week for new euphemisms and nicknames for nipples and new euphemisms and... Buttholes.

Yeah, buttholes. Can we talk about nipples for a minute? Right. For what? Nipples is Gene's name. Yeah, can we talk about nipples? Why she went to bed? For what? Nipples is Jean's name. Yeah, I was talking about nipples. Why she went to bed? Well, because I don't think she wanted to listen to this.

Talking, screaming, nipples. Nipples, talking, screaming, nipples. Oh, it's going to stick. Yeah, I just don't get them. What, on girls? Just in general. Right. Anywhere on the body would be gross, right? But where they are, they're kind of sexy

so you reckon they're perfectly placed even if they were just a little bit further up or in but if you've got one on your hip or one in your knee that's disgusting you think they're riding on the back of

the greatness that is breasts and pecs you think they're getting away with it yep they're the Kai Humphreys riding on the back of the greatness that is breasts and pecs and then they get away with it yep yeah I think they're just like hiding they're the

Kai Humphries to the muggins to the cream yeah and as well the fact that we'll find them sexy

when like babies drink out of them that should write them off really shouldn't it like should you not go like anything that goes

in a baby's mouth isn't sexy they've got a sexy cock and I've actually got sexy nipples I just don't get why we like them so much like I know I like them

yeah do and I'm like oh great nipples I know I've got that vibe but I'm just like hey Kai think about it for a second

why do you like that bit I don't I agree with you because I love them because sometimes when girls get girls with really sensitive nipples

and also guys but I've never kissed a guy's nipples not yet anyway damn you 2016 thought it was my year

when will it end around December then you can start enjoying guys nipples in January Finally New year, new me

New nipples I just realised when I said nipple on your hip Hipple I should have said that I should have said hipple And then just like Just went nipple on your hip Hipple

On your knee I should have done that Nipple Nipple Hipples and nipples Hipples and nipples Hipples and nipples That's what Rival Podcast does Hipples and nipples

On the trot They drop their podcast every Monday and Thursday on the dot Every Tuesday and Friday Bastards Right so we've got a number of new newphemisms for nipples My nickname is for them First one is Bastards. Right, so we're coming up with new newphemisms for nipples. My nicknames for them first one is the braille for yes please.

Oh nice, little bumps on them. Itty bitty titty mittens. I can't finish it. Itty bitty titty mittens. Itty bitty titty mittens. Little mittens on the end of the titty. What, five fingers? What's wrong with Natalie's nipples?

No, like a mitten yeah you're thinking of a glove oh I'm thinking of a glove you should still at least go one little fucking finger why

no just have one little bump why oh man this is perfect it's fucking reasoned the itty bitty tiny mittens get them out put them in my mouth

and while you're getting them out why don't you get your two unsprinkled jelly tots out for cream? Let me suck on your lachnopatches. Oh man, she had the loveliest pair of troll's thumbs

you've ever seen. Troll's nostril. Troll's thumb. Troll's nostril, that's what we're looking for. Troll's thumbs, man. They're getting a rough deal. This one, this isn't a euphemism this is an

oldphemism this is something my grandad used to call nipples because when I was growing up nipples was a swear word

oh was it oh yeah and the word that I used that wasn't a swear word that I was allowed to use as a child was shrimbles

shrimbles shrimbles you know how you can't say cock or knob you have to say willy or winky

I've always been allowed to swear like in front of the teacher or whatever fight me so you have decorum

around old people teachers and adults I had to call them shrimples I was also told knackered was swearing

and I had to say jiggered oh I said yeah I remember once when I was 16 I had this girlfriend and I stayed over at hers.

We didn't fuck but the next morning her mum was like, how are you? And I was like, I'm knackered and she had to go with me because apparently

it means you're tired from all the fucking sex. I was like, no, I'm just... Is that what it means? Because I thought it was something to do with knackers, like a pair of nuts. Knackered, I don't know.

You're knacked. Oh, man, I was with this girl the other day and I got lucky that you know by the end of the night i saw uh the king and queen of the hills it's ceremonial um flesh mollusks gross uh this morning this morning i watched her as i sleep i just had a wee cheeky peek at her chewed chest pieces

chewed chest pieces chewed chest pieces I nibbled pawns nights we had droopy oh man I can't wait to get back to see Natalie and play with her booby berries

that's my favourite just twist my booby berries between my fingers between my thumb and forefinger play with her booby berries little juicy booby berry be gentle don't pop it I should have done the chest zits chest zits little juicy booby berry. Be gentle. Don't pop it.

Put it in your burn. I should have done the chest zits. Chest zits. Squeeze them and white stuff comes out. And you get them when you're 13. Feed it to a baby. And they're for buttholes. Pause the podcast then.

I was doing a doggy style And I saw the old sexuality reset button Had a little chat Had a little chat Had a little chat with a stink breath mist whisperer Stink breath mist whisperer A little one to one with you I just had a good old little Lick of her hole of trust

Two way bum button She had a nasty old rusty plug hole With like Carl Grahams' eye Is it up to there yet? Have I just done a spoiler? Of what? Carl Grahams's eye is it up to there yet have I just done a spoiler of what Karl Grahams

oh yeah yeah in the TV series of Walking Dead yeah he's also I thought I'd give a spoiler the centre of the

pooniverse centre that's not where a butthole is no not poon it's orbit in the pooniverse no not poon poon po orbit in the pooniverse. No, not poon.

Ah, poon. Poo. Did I say poon? No, not pooniverse. Pooniverse. Pooniverse. That's better. Aye.

Let's turn to the pooniverse. Brownhole. Aye. The nope telescope. To look up at the pooniverse with. The nope telescope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

The Dentialist Pensioner. The what? The Dentialist Pensioner. The Dentialist Pensioner. Stem Dam? I know you've done two back to back. My last one's just

the Bloody Baron. The Ghost of Slytherin. Right, now for our final game, your dad jokes when me and Kai insult each other's dads. Your dad came to the gig this week and fucking bedlit him. I'm surprised he didn't kick my head in. Why's that?

Because I'm assuming you do not listen to the podcast. Oh, the podcast, yeah. You're getting fucking wrecked Every week Yeah I was nice to you I saw your dad last night Now I was a little bit tense Because of some of the things

I said about him I've said some nasty things About your dad I'm going to say some more Your dad farts when he comes And comes when he farts It's a never ending cycle He's so dehydrated

He's lost so much weight I'm worried about him He can't stop Can't get a word in He's just coming and farting When he's farting He's coming He's trying to drive. He's lost so much weight, I'm worried about him. He can't stop, can't get a word in. He's just coming and farting when he's farting. He's coming. He's trying to drive to the gig. He can't do it.

He's going at it at all ends. At one point, he burped and nearly had a seizure. Oh, shit. Is he all right? I mean, I think he'll get through. I mean, he stinks. Can he drive? No, but he sticks to walls.

Oh, God. Stinky, sticky mistress, bro. Your dad puts a saddle on the dog and rides it up the garden Your dad sucks on tea bags while in the sauna Sorry he gets tea bags while in the sauna Your dad used to ground you for any old misdemeanor Just so that he could have some company When your mum was out with the lads from work Your dad cut himself

while moisturising. Your dad puts on 3D glasses to go watch the match and pretends he's sat at home. Your dad can burp the alphabet but can't say I love you with a straight face. Your dad got liposuction on his cankles. Your dad got lightbulb

suction on his cankles. Your dad beat up the neighbourhood dog. And then saddled it. Saddled it and rode off down the street. We haven't seen his face.

Coming and farting and farting and coming. You can always smell him, you've never seen him. He's like a firework. He's like a Catherine wheel. Just spinning around. Spinning around on his dog steed. Drizzling and farting everywhere. Where are we going?

What are we doing? Your dad gaffer tapes his balls to his leg so it doesn't fuck up his rhythm when he's scuttling your mother your dad wears stilettos on skype to pay for your sister's horse oh god Oh, gosh. Your dad wore a piano tea tie.

Try again. Your dad wore a piano key tie when he made a witness statement in court about a hate crime that he let happen. When he made a witness statement in court about a hate crime that he let happen. Your dad talks dirty in Parseltongue. Your mom's a snake. Was your dad talking dirty to my mom?

Legend. The first time he had dad was horny, he called the NHS helpline and told them his symptoms. Me willy's not playing with us anymore. Also, what are you wearing? A nurse's uniform. In parcel tongue. A nurse's uniform In parcel tongue Nurse's uniform What you doing wearing a nurse's uniform

You're wearing a colson You fucking idiot Kinky bitch You're in the wrong colson He cut the direct line Skype it I've got me stilettos on I've got a horse to pay for

Your dad's ringtone is milkshake by Kellis He keeps stealing your mum's phone so he can phone it so he can dance in the living room. So it vibrates while it's up his arse. Your dad used to walk home from school because he spent his bus money on butt plugs. Your dad sleeps naked on the plane. That's what all the other passengers have got a sick bag for.

Your dad got a hellish nosebleed at the parent teacher's evening and told your maths teacher that it was because of cocaine so that she wouldn't find out that he's addicted to picking his nose you round up the cocaine line on the spot to get out of it

your dad can lick his own armpits you can right try it yeah You can't right? Try it I knew I'd get you to try it I thought to myself I wonder if there's any way I can get a guy to smell His own armpit

After not showering For two days And that's to accuse His dad of something That's possible And I'm just going to add That I haven't showered For two days

Because we thought We had a hotel today But we didn't We went to check in We're like I would agree to drive home So we didn't showered for two days because we thought we had a hotel today but we didn't we went to check in we're like oh we'd agree to drive home so we didn't have a shower at the first hotel

so I stink it I'm just starting on our pit back trap got you your dad put a four pound boost on the selfie that he posted on his like page

oh god I mean that podcast started off weak but ended fucking hilarious oh no it was good for me oh man I like that aye that was good I mean that podcast started off weak but ended fucking hilarious. Oh no, it was good for me. Oh man. I like that.

Aye, that was good. I mean, aye. I'm out of breath. Aye, you're welcome. Audience, if you enjoyed our chat, which obviously why the fuck wouldn't you? If you stuck past the first little bit. Aye, thanks for saying that was your little bonus feature when we actually got funny at the end there. We are on tour, but only for a little bit more.

The last chance to see is if you were in Edinburgh on Tuesday, it's a very small gig. I book them up on Summer Hall. It's called Work in Progress. It's me, Kai, and a bunch of other guests trying new material. Which we're yet to write. We're going to do that. We've got a day off tomorrow. Write some jokes.

Thursday we are in Southend and then Friday we're in Musclebrush. If you're in Edinburgh and you want to see good material that's not new, come to that one. Saturday in Glasgow is almost sold out. Kai will not be supporting me then, but I've replaced him with the very funny

and even more ginger, Gareth Watt. Can you be more ginger? Yes, you can. And then next week, the 5th to the 10th, I am on at the Soho Theatre in London, as is Nick Cody. So get on both of those shows, you fucking London pricks. And I'm going to be in Hartlepool and Barnsley at some point. Check my website.

Don't do that, though. And then we'll go to Altitude, where you should also go. All right. Which will be a lot of fun. Apart from that, we will talk to you on Thursday. Share the podcast, et cetera, et cetera. Tweet us and shout. You know the drill, Cants.

Bye, guys. Love you.