Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.18 Clone Wars

Episode Date: December 1, 2016

Muggins and Cream discuss whether they'd get along with their own clones, they find the king of the muggles Dale Partridge and cut the head of the serpent. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Do you need more levels?

No. What's up, Kranz? The podcast is late. Get over it. It's late. I just got a... I literally just a second got a Facebook message off Wayne Beeney, who's one of our avid listeners.

He's a window cleaner. He pervs on me, ma'am. Does he? He can't do that. That looks at me, ma'am. I'm just getting changed on that. He jokes on me. So what does he want when he's looking at me, ma' at my mum and she's getting changed and that. Jokes on me. So what does he want

when he's looking at me, mum? Me and his ears. So he's just literally Facebooked his guy and where's the podcast? So I sent him a selfie of us doing the podcast. It's late because Tuesday night we were basically too drunk to do anything

and then yesterday we were travelling down to London because tonight we are in Southend or some shit and right now I'm still in bed. Yeah, you're on a sofa bed at Natalie's house. I've just took Natalie to work so we can steal her car for the gig and fuck me mate, I've just been in rush hour traffic in London

Fun? She's like, she works like seven miles from my house which if that wasn't Blythe that would be seven minutes. Yeah You know Fuck man And now I each way I've spent two hours in traffic in London Fucking nothing

You know what would have made it easier Had you had this podcast to listen to I know right And fucked people over with the lack of I was thinking like How good was it for Natalie She got like a one man mugging show Like most people put the podcast on in their car

She just got one half of the She got the funny half put the podcast on in their car she just got one half of the she got the funny half of the podcast nah she's getting muggins without cream who wants muggins without cream

muggins please no sugar no cream no nipples oh shit Jean didn't enjoy her nickname did she muggins without cream

it's like you know when Robbie left take that it's like when take that can turn you toonin Muggins Without Cream It's like You know when Robbie left Take That It's like when Take That Can turn you to an end

And that's the only reference To pop culture I have Of people leaving bands Oh One of the One Direction ones Left didn't he Zayn Did he

I don't know I just said what I knew Zayn left And I was devastated I'll get over it I think I can name Two One Direction songs

Is there a band that you'd be disappointed if they broke up? Oh god The Cartoonies The Animaniacs The Animaniacs have broke up Hey do you know I tried to rewrite an Animaniacs song when I tried to remember all of the capitals of African countries Do you want to tried to rewrite an Animaniacs song? Oh. When I tried to remember all of the capitals of African countries.

Mm-hmm. Do you want to hear it? Nope. Do you want to hear it? No. Say yes? No, you're going to do it anyway. Algeria has Algiers and Angola has Rwanda.

Rwanda has a capital called Kigali. There's Lusaka and Gambia and Windhoek and Nambia. And Harriot is in the north of Zimbabwe. Togo has Lomé and then we go to Libaville, Gabon and Yonge, Cabaroon I think I'm forgetting the rest I hope so I really hope so Define good

Very clever, intelligent, articulate, tuneful Articulate? You think what you just did was articulate? I articulated Our listeners in Australia think you just had a stroke. What do they know? Yeah. I'm having a nice time.

Just genuinely awful. So we're nearing the end of the tour, finally. We've got two days left. I know. We've got three. I don't want that to sound like I'm... It's always that thing when you're on tour, it's very hard to complain. we've got two days left I know we've got three I don't want that to sound like when people it's always that thing

when you're on tour it's very hard to complain because people will be like I want it to be over and you're like oh you're not enjoying the gigs you go no I am

but you've got to understand that's 10% of the tour like the gigs are the best bit of it what I don't like is the the travelling the being away from home

like see when they invent teleportation totally doing it and I don like see when they invent teleportation totally doing it and I don't care what type of teleportation it is even if it kills you

oh who gives a fuck reanimating new Daniel Sloss because that's he's going to have the same memories and he's not going to have any idea

that he was murdered he's going to be thrilled and he's going to think he's me good on him like that idea of being like oh but it won't be you

what this skin who gives a fuck yeah lights off lights on for someone else who has the exact same yeah it's like in the prestige

like the thing where a huge that would be me all the time so what I would do instead of that like you know in the prestige how every time

like the first time he does the teleportation thing and the cloning machine but and it's partly teleportation like he clones himself and he's got to have the gun on him and he's got of the teleportation like he clones himself and he's got to have the

gun on him and he's got to kill the other one now I'd do it more honestly I'd be like right fisticuffs right who's

only the I'm going to breed a superior version of myself over years when I stops on every clone people are like

have you even gone to the gym I'm like nah I've just been killing the weak only the strongest version of me can survive. Every fight would be a war though

because it would be a really even battle. No, I'd just be really shit. Like, with me fighting. You fighting the clone of you, no one would get hit. I'd just,

ah, ah, I'd be a dick. But the thing is, I know all my weak spots. Huh? I know all my weak spots and I know I'd be able to...

Yeah, but who knows all your weak spots? I reckon I would just turn into, I know my weak spots and I know yeah but who knows all your weak spots I reckon I would just turn into because weak spots aren't like you know face or whatever

I reckon you would both run there would just be loads of clones of you running away from clones of you running in the

opposite direction have you seen him me and then just run off Daniel's acting weird

good for you because I reckon the winner of the clone fight would be whichever clone found you first but Kai Kai Kai

right I've got a problem but this also works to your best interest right there's a clone of me running around and I need you to kill him

you get to live out all your fantasies but I'm still in charge and then I'd find the clone and go no no kill that one just bang your heads together oh you too i reckon i'd probably get along with me all right i really would i reckon you'd actually have a really tough time with yourself if you cloned yourself i'd get on with them so much, because you'd like you'd both be greedy with stuff. When am I ever greedy?

You know like for instance if you got a new computer game you'd both try and hog it and then have a bit of a huff with each other. Whereas if I got a new computer game I'd be like, go on boss you have a go and he'd be like he'd be like snatching the control pad off your clone. When have I ever snatched a controller?

You'd be such a clash of characters with you. When have I ever snatched a controller off you? You like, no, no, you never have. Because I've always been like, I would never be the person that wants first

dibs anyway. But I'm just giving you an example of your personality. I'm not saying that's a specific thing that happens. But that's what an example of personality means.

You always want to push the person in front of you. Always. But if someone behind you pushed you, you'd be fucking livid. You've got a double standard on yourself. Absolutely.

You would fucking hate Clone Daniel. Clone Cream. Double Cream would be the worst. Double Cream. Double team by Double Cream. No, I reckon we'd get on because it would just be like... Because I'd be more confident

in all my horrible opinions. And also, I do agree with you in a way like it would be like clash of personality but see what I'd be fucking meant to blame stuff

on someone else and absolutely get away like just do all the stuff that I want to do like any any like old person in front of me that's just taken

or standing on the wrong side of the escalator just fucking push them down and be like it was him point at that guy it was him look at

oh an asshole I see this and the like security was him point at that guy it was him look at that oh what an asshole I see this fight and the security cameras one of us would always get off I would be allowed to be as dicky as I wanted to be and fully get away with it Natalie thinks that

you and her get along so well because you two are so similar you both really love me you're dead sexy I think the reason me and Natalie got on so well is because we're very good at keeping our sex secrets.

We're lying naked in our bed. Yeah. Fully dressed chatty. Did you ever wonder why she woke up really tired this morning? I was shagging with her last night. Did you shag?

A little. A little what? A little what? A little training session with a training cock. Practicing for the real thing. I got up early in the morning but we haven't seen each other in a little while. That's the thing like I do, as you know and as everyone else probably

knows, I do love being single I think it's great don't get me wrong I've had some good relationships where there's parts of relationships that I really enjoy and stuff but the thing I like about

like being single is the sex is always different and fun it's always with new new people and you just get to you know fuck around and try stuff

I just like I just remember back into times in relationships, just doing, when you have to spice up your sex life, and I'm not saying this is a muggy thing, because I totally understand why you have to do it. Like, you want to make sex fucking insane and whatever, but, like, I remember one of my ex-girlfriends,

and she was a lovely person, and I'm a depraved person when it comes to sex, but at that point I didn't realise it. I remember once, like, one of the kickiest things she wanted to do was, like, we'd got chocolate, like, body paint and stuff, right? And the reason we weren't allowed it anymore was for two reasons. It was because, like, one time she pissed me off, and one time I pissed her off with it.

The time she pissed me off with it was she was, like, she was going to bed, and I was like, yeah, she's she's just I'm just going to do this she was like I'll help with the dishes she was like no no no you're just going to get you're just going to get ready

and I'd gone in and in chocolate I'd just like written like something awful but in our sense it was just like

dinner's ready and then an arrow pointing to my dick so you wrote it on your chest wrote it on my chest and then a chocolate arrow pointing down and then she got a phone call

off her mum and I fell asleep you were just there with dinner's ready on your chest Wrote it on my chest And then chocolate arrow Pointing down And then she got a phone call Off her mum And I fell asleep You were just there With dinner's ready On your chest Chocolate's sticky Fucking woke up With ants on me

Getting carried off To the queen ant Who's like Oh it fucking is Oh James Dinner is ready You wake up Screaming and sweating

At one point Like I remember like I was just I was bored And there was a knock at the door And that should have been my first warning At her bedroom door I'm like

Where should I knock to get in But I was like Maybe it's a warning for me To get in a sexy position And I opened the door And it was her flatmate Asking if she could get around to uni The next day

And I was like Hey Aww Not for you Sorry Do you reckon Domino's pizza people Have ever gone to the wrong door

What and just walked in on an orgy No just being like Dinner Dinner's right Like that thing I'm sorry. Do you reckon, like, Domino's pizza people have ever gone to the wrong door? What, and just walked in on an orgy? No, just being like, oh, dinner's ready. Like, I've said this is dinner's ready, and it's not her dinner. But, I mean, all the signs lead into her flatmate thinking dinner was ready. She's like, oh, well, I'll have it. If that Domino's going to waste, I'll make one. Talking about spicing it up.

There's the one other time The reason we weren't All in chocolate body paint anymore Was because We were having Sex So she was like Bring it out Bring it out

Bring it out Bring out the chocolate body paint And she was like She was like Tie me to the bed And I tied her to the bed And there's just that thing When you love someone

And Your sense of humour Is more important Than your Sort of sex life was like tied to the bed and I tied her to the bed and there's just that thing when you love someone and your sense of humour is more important than your sort of sex life, you have fun together she was tied down so I just left her tied there and blacked her up covered her face looked off like a dog, it was great, she hated it

she did crying in that, sticky face I'm like you're used to sticky faces Natalie got me a Sex book for Christmas Right But it was a custom made one So you go on this website

Wait Like custom made tips Custom Nah nah It's like It's a fiction It's a story I thought that was

Like if she was just like Here's a book I wrote On how to be better at sex Oh is this one you got in the shops Nah nah It's specific to you. It needs some guidelines. One, my belly button is not my clit. You don't need to spend 25 minutes

on it. I'm glad it's clean. There's no way you'll get three fingers up that way. What are you doing? Try after Christmas. When I've had a lot to eat. So she bought this book where you go on the website and you fill in a form

where it's like your name and it's asking you stuff like your eye colour and your height and your boyfriend's eye colour or whoever it's for so she fills in loads of details about us right

and this book at one point I'll buy you a gift we're in Amsterdam together and he's like oh I'll get that for Daniel he'd really like that and the book

I'm like what the fuck's last day of his next book the fuck out of here buying you a gift

are you not glad natalie so basically you had to go to like what's natalie's your nickname for natalie

what's natalie's nickname for you and it's essentially mad lips they just put all this stuff in to this custom

made 50 shades of grey book right would you not think it'd be fucking dead awkward right are you

not glad she did it for you because if you did it for her you'd have to just you'd be guessing a lot of the details like oh what's her eye colour you'd be like oh fuck Adam nah I think it's brown what's her

it's gotta be brown right yeah it's gotta be brown statistically what's her birthday? Check Facebook. Natalie's brown, I guess, eyes opened early in the morning on her birthday sometime in

August. She was very excited to see her favourite food, toast I think. I know, I'll be off to fireworks tonight. What's that rhyme again? Remember, remember 25th of December. Right, 25th of December right 25th of December I birthed his Christmas so that's the thing

because you put your pet names for each other in but our pet names for each other aren't cute so like we're getting down at the throes of passion

and they're spooking she's like oh put another thing in hump dog how do you light up, mogs? Finger in my box, muggins. What's cream doing here? So this book, you choose how many stars of filth it is.

So you can just have it soft core or whatever, but she just went, let's see what five stars is like. So there's this one chapter where I'm just having a nice time, having sex with my girlfriend. This fucking dude comes in. And what? And Barsin goes to the bathroom. Barsin comes to the front of the bed,

has a piss. Starts mean mugging us. Oh yeah. It's in the book, sticks it up my shit hand. I can feel his cock against me cock. Through the membrane between our... Oh, so it's... So, the book, Sticks it up my shit and I can feel his cock against me cock through the membrane between a... It's like your penises, they're like lovers, but one of them's been arrested.

Aye. And they're just putting their hands through the... Through the plexiglass. I miss you so much, boo. Such a thin membrane, but so close. So my cock ended up being fucking prison lovers with fucking this little cock in the book

through the plexiglass. It was really weird to read this book. Especially because it was handwritten. Finally. It's weird that I quite liked it. I mean, it is,

but not in your spectrum of weird. Good books, though. I definitely recommend them for Christmas present for your lover. Or just buy them for anyone. Get one for your dad. Get one for your dad. Get one for your dad,

don't tell him what it is. Because that's the thing, it's not obvious what it is. It just had Amsterdam lessons. Could have just been a book smoking weed or something. It's very different to the lessons we learned in Amsterdam

but let's not talk about any of those fucking you can't take too much mushrooms yeah you can't Andrew Stanley has tested me on that

Stanley's a bitch one thing I'd like to mention as well about like you're talking about being single and being in a relationship is you can't like

you can tell sex stories when you're single and people want to hear them yeah like you can start like oh and then she'd come back and then we'd done this and I touched her there and then I was like I touched her goal and then she went to the bathroom You can tell sex stories When you're single And people want to hear them Yeah Like you can start like Oh and then she'd come back And then we'd done this

And I touched her there And then I was like I touched her goal And then she went to the bathroom And I was like Oh fuck I'm in here I'm sorry

Are you saying stories Oh and then I touched her there No but like Every last detail of the story People want to hear it Yeah But nobody wants to hear like Fuck my bird last night

Oh let me tell you Oh she was dead chuffed When I got in We started spooning and I was like oh I think she's going to get asleep but then I realised

she'd left the lamp on I was like she might just want to stay up and have a chat have a chat with her lo and behold she turned around started kissing us

I was like I'm on a promise nobody it's not even my birthday nobody wants to hear the sex stories we have heard it's not even my birthday nobody wants to hear the sex stories we have babe it's the thing like

because I think sex stories are absolutely fucking hilarious sometimes and also sometimes like they just

they make you laugh for the fucking the incidents and a lot of time it is you know fun in that I think men have this thing of being like

oh you know I don't want to tell too many sex stories as if women don't swap, I mean I reckon they tell them in very very different ways but I refuse to believe for a second that women don't if something bad happens during sex for example right, my ex-girlfriend

one of the nice ones right first time we had uh sex what uh i properly and i like a fucking nerd just halfway through had the biggest nosebleed on her face right but the thing was right it was in the dark so we're just like we're fucking making out loads

right she thought you started drooling on her just slobbering like a rabid dog she didn't look don't get me wrong look I love a snog

right I love a fucking wet snog a passionate one but it's just getting so wet right and we're kissing

each other's necks and stuff and at one point we both go but it's the first time we and and at one point we both go it's the first time we've had sex like the first time we had sex you got nosebleed no and not ever the first time we did sex with each other oh you're just so excited it was the attitude i was getting really annoyed because i'm like this in the blood leave but i was not like we did i need you down there need every available troop to keep that fucking monster up. Turn the lights on afterwards.

And I swear, both of us just look at each other in horror. And the first thing we both think is like, period. Right? Just covering your face. Yeah, covering our face. And then we do the thing. We're like, it's not from... And then we're just...

There was a period where we both looked around as if someone else had come in and just bled on us while we were having who did this who's the phantom bleeder where is he who's the prankster

looking under the bed not me come on Muggins I know what you're like this isn't Carrie I'm not on me prom oh man honestly

I swear to god because there was one point like like she was sort of pushing pushing my face

to make me kiss her neck and it meant that she kept all the blood in her hands and at one point like I've just put her hand on my face or something

and it looked like fucking you know in Lord of the Rings when Saruman puts the white paint on all the Uruk eyes apparently I just looked like that

like I'd just been blessed by the white wizard the white jizzard gross oh that's really sad that you're gonna nose bleed when you i know that's the thing like i obviously went away to my friends and it was that thing and because i think a lot of the thing because we trust you with sex stories is you go i don't want you telling that story and you go no no I'm not telling the story I'll never tell a story

a sex story if like the victim of the punchline is the girl for me it's just like the sex is fucking funny and the reason I knew my ex was a good girl

that's a creepy as fuck good girl was like I was like oh man the other day and then she just showed me

an entire whatsapp fucking message between her and the girls fucking ripping the shit out of me for it and I was like, oh man, the other day, and then she just showed me an entire WhatsApp fucking message between her and the girls fucking ripping the shit out of me for it. And I was like, yeah, that's the sign of trust. That'll tell all our mates. Right, should we get into Muggle Corner? Yeah, let's do them. Right, for any new listeners to the podcast, you fucking weirdos,

Muggles is a derogatory term that me and Kai, and I reckon other people use for just people you see in everyday life who are just a bit muggly. Not common because that suggests muggles. It's not class. Anyone can be a muggle. You can be rich, poor, black

or white. You can be male, female, trans. You can be none. You can be non-conform. You can be fully conformative. But you can still just do muggle things. There's really no, it's just a muggle thing. It's just systems and programs that are very commonplace, that are muggly. Yeah, just dead fucking dumb. You'll get the context when we go for it. I had a great one from someone on Twitter but I'll do that last

because it's it's infuriated me and I really want to break it down so I'll do that one last so you go first I'll start just to clarify

if you do any of these muggly things you're not a bad person but if you're guilty of doing that one muggle thing you do have to stand in the corner

for 30 seconds and just think about what an awful fucking muggle you are so this is one of Twitter and it's actually at first I was like oh it's a good one of their twitter and it's actually at first i was like oh

it's a good one but now i think it's open to discussion so let's let's thrash it out on friend anniversaries on facebook oh i totally think it is and we both have to stand in the corner because i think it's muggly but one one thing that crossed my mind was when it flashed up with ricketts you've been friends with craig, who's my friend Ricketts, for eight years. Obviously, I've been friends with him for a fucking lot longer than eight years. But what was nice about it is it compiled a bunch of photos of us together.

And that's always good to look at. It's good to look at it. But it is silly to just go, oh, look, we've been friends. It's as if you're celebrating it. Yeah, I think when it's muggly is if you shared it for the rest of your friends like i think for you privately yeah like when a lot of the time when i have friend anniversaries i'll

like i'll screenshot the thing go directly to their page and be like have you fucking seen this go tag them in it or something like me and beanie had one a while ago our friends on facebook and right how long do you reckon me and gene have been friends on facebook uh since the start, seven years. Seven, eight years. Technically, but our anniversary is only five years old. Do you know what that is? Did she block you?

No, I had a half and a deleted. You unfriended her? Five years ago because it was basically this incident. When I properly fell out with her, it was just before I got my house. Me and Jean had been sort of good mates But this was the proper start Of our like best friendship Yous had been living together Before you got your house hadn't you

No no no June the fringe Oh we'd stayed together June the fringe That's when me and her Became proper friends Because I'd broken up With one of my girlfriends

And needed a place To stay during the fringe And Jean had a fucking living room That she was wanting to let me Put an inflatable bed in Became friends then Proper friends. But at the end of that French, right,

I'm out in a bar, and one of Gene's friends, who will remain nameless, just a fucking douchebag, was there. And he was like, are you friends with Gene? I was like, yeah.

And he's like, we're going to this bar, and I hate the bar they're going to. I'm like, nah, I'm alright. He's like, why? I'm like, I just think it's a bit of a, yeah. And he's like, we're going to this bar. And I hated the bar. They were going to. I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm all right. He's like, why? I'm like, I just think it's a bit of a shit one. And he was so affronted with it. He was drunk, but he was a bad drunk. Like, that's Gene's excuse.

So he took it personally that you didn't like the bar he was going to, even though you'd just met him? Yeah, right. And he was out with a bunch of his friends. And then because that was the year that I'd done a bunch of telly and stuff, like, people always put this ego on me that I don't have. Like, a lot of people put like,

oh, you think you're better than me? I've literally never said, don't get me wrong, I think it all the time, but I never say it out loud because I'm a decent human being. And,

he just got really fucking agitated and then outside, like, pretended to go and fucking headbutt me. Now, I didn't flinch, but I, like a footballer,

I do, and I was like, he's a fucking, he like d dive to the ground and grab your head and start rolling and then I went to a different fucking club

and then he turned up and just kept following me around the club and just trying to trip me up just following me around and kept trying to trip me up and I'm not as you know

I'm not a massively violent person in real life in my head I'm a fucking UFC fighter but it got to the point I was there with three friends and he tried to trip me up I was like

oh right outside he's like why I was like I'm gonna I'm gonna kick your fucking head in he's like are you gonna bring your friends with you

and I was like yeah I am he's like it's not a fair fight I'm like this isn't about a fair fight this isn't

it's not a western it's not a fucking duel mate I'm gonna use my resources you deaf cunt you're gonna come into my fucking dynamic with my friends and start acting cunt you're going to come into my fucking dynamic with my friends and start acting like this

you're going to get the full fucking wrath of it yeah because the thing is this isn't a fight about who's the man least between us you are a bad person and the only way

I can see to make sure that you don't do this to anyone else is to kick your head in so fucking much that you never act like this in public again

like I'm of course I'm going to get my friends to come in and kick your fucking head in you're a piece of shit you need to learn a lesson and he's i'm not doing i'm not i was like i'll be waiting outside for the rest of the fucking night i'm standing there because you were getting your fucking head kicked in and uh then he texts gene gene turns up and gene immediately took his side which i understand I get I get I'm loud I'm obnoxious

and I hold grudges unnecessarily right but at this point it was one of the very few times I was actually innocent and the fact is she instantly

took his fucking side and was probably like you're unfriended on Facebook what a muggle band her from the house blocked said she wasn't around the house you're not my friend anymore

no no come and get your books in your own time no no off the Christmas card list you're not my friend anymore No No Come and get your books In your own time No no Off the Christmas card list They're on the step Your books are on the step

So whenever the friend Anniversary thing comes up You better come get them Before it starts raining Otherwise they'll get wet They're not kidding They're already wet I cried on them

So yeah That's why we've only got Like a five year Friend anniversary Because it's deleted On Facebook Like a fucking Petulant child It's hilarious so yeah that's why we've only got like a five year friend anniversary because it's deleted on Facebook like a fucking petulant child

that's hilarious I don't think I've ever unfriended anyone oh no I do because I've hit the upper limit so what I I think I've mentioned

this already I go to the ADL page if I'm mutual friends with anyone that's on the ADL page I'll fucking delete them off and then I can let new friend requested

but I've never I've never unfriended someone out of like I see a lot of people's statuses where I'm just like I don't need you in my life but Muggles, Muggles just complained about shitty things

I think if you share the friendship thing publicly which we both have to stand in the corner for because it was our oh no I did it on your birthday that was it did that little

fucking got together five of the worst pictures of us yeah but you put that on my wall yeah but no no it was a public one

but I was also I was doing it ironically to take the piss out of all the people that fucking do that because I spent the whole time

yeah because you did do something I was like oh to my bae and my soulmate and all that stuff but you know arguably now even doing things ironically is muggly

just let things go so yeah I will agree if you celebrate fringe anniversaries because that's the thing with like if I've got a friendship with Ricketts that comes up you've been 8 years and then I share it I'm sharing it to people that couldn't give a fuck about our friendship that haven't even met Craig and hardly know me

and it's like people people in our circle there's probably like a hundred people that are going to enjoy that and enjoy them photos but then you've got

the rest of the other 90% of people that are just going I'm on I'm on friends I'm going to fuck up with this little bitch with a broken arm

because of a swan it's not an anniversary unless you a swan it's not an anniversary unless you take him out it's not an anniversary unless you take him out for dinner like you don't get to fucking

oh it's our friendship anniversary it was the only thing you did share the post or did you go out and have a pint as well it's the fact of acknowledging a Facebook friend anniversary

yeah is the thing so yeah totally agree because that's a legit thing now with relationships I find people they'll have their...

When they got into a relationship on Facebook is when it was official. When it's Facebook official. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to do that. Like, it's the team we got... I'm like, no, no, no. Like, I think with relationships, you've both got to agree when you're boyfriend, girlfriend.

But I don't... My last three girlfriends, I've never changed my relationship status for it. Nah. Just... One confident. No, no, no. Just in case any other girls were like, oh, you got a girlfriend? I'm't, my last three girlfriends, I've never changed my relationship status for it. Nah, one confident. Nah, nah, nah, just in case any other girls were like,

oh, you got a girlfriend? I'm like, no. The biggest cock block in the world advertising. I changed mine on April 1st. So we, me and Natalie,

like we talk about when the weekend we met was when we met in Rockness, which was June, but it was the April after when we changed our Facebook status but we'd done it as a joke on April 1st before noon so I was like if I change my mind

I'll just pretend I was joking yeah which still holds up now yeah yeah it's the biggest April Fool's joke ever not even together

I've got one from Carl Scott muggles say afternoon instead of Morning when you Sleep in on your Light Which is absolutely

Just like It's normally Something You have that Attitude without Saying the words Though Totally

Oh no no You have the Attitude of like What time do you Call this Which is essentially What it is If you go

Afternoon At like 11.30 If you go Afternoon When someone's Late You don't do that And you don't say What time do you Call this But like you are St, if you go afternoon when someone's late, you don't do that.

And you don't say what time you call this. But you are stood there tapping your watch, your body language. If so, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I wouldn't. Because the thing is, this is like sarcasm. If you're late, I'll fucking stick it to you straight away and be like, you're fucking late.

But when it comes to, I think that one is the sort of stuff that your uncle would say if you've had a family shift over. And like, because he wakes up early, and you wake up at 10 there, he's like, afternoon? You're like, oh, shut up, cunt.

Like, shut up, shut up. No, it's like, even if it was. I mean, I had more fun than you last night. Your breakfast's in the dog. I've never heard that one, but I'm already furious that it's a thing. Like, yeah, I just think that low-end sarcasm,

it falls into that category of just the lowest form of banter physically possible. Just, uh... It's in the same vein as good weather for ducks. As if ducks give a fuck.

Alright, there's ducks there, got got a straight weather for people this i mean i'm having a belt that's a great time like a water park uh what's your next one that was a quick one my next one is oh this is something i am so guilty of being a muggle of i inherited this muggleism from my mother and uh it still crosses my mind every time it happens but i've just been institutionalized with it it's um right to receive and left to leave if your left hand's itchy it's meant to signify that you're going to lose money and if your right hand's itchy it's meant to signify that you're going to receive money and i don't know if this is a common thing or just something my mother's downloaded on me but every time i get an itchy hand i'm like oh big tax bill coming in i know it's i know it's wrong and i override it there's never a point where i start like panicking about money if my left hand's itchy but it's the first thing that

comes to the front of my head because i've been fucking i've been bred with it yeah i think like a lot of muggle tendencies do come from like muggle stuff that your parents did and they're just wired in your oh you can totally override that stuff. Because I've got my dad's sense of humour. I remember all the jokes. There's times when someone says something, I remember as a kid, whenever I'd say a trigger word, my parents would both rhyme off a fucking joke to do with it.

And now, say if someone goes, Are you having a meringue? At first, I was like, someone goes are you having a meringue first I was like is that a donut or a meringue no you're right it's a donut

or a meringue yeah a donut or a meringue all the European listeners just probably lost on that joke but am I wrong

is am I rang in Scotland was better world peace or a jam donut a jam donut because nothing's better

than world peace but a jam donut is a jammed donut because nothing's better than world peace but a jammed donut is better than nothing such a shit but it's in my head and like sometimes I just let it see it come out of my mouth

I'm like oh no can't put it back in what's the basin one oh what's the difference between a buffalo

and a bison you can't wash your hands in a buffalo gross these are gross jokes I love them difference between a buffalo and a bison you can't wash your hands at a buffalo it's gross it's proper low-end fucking humor but when because it is again that's ironic humor when your parents do it so fucking much because my parents know how much it pisses me off and the the joke then they're not laughing at the joke they're laughing at how much it fucks off their kid and when I grew up

getting more and more annoyed by it and now me and my parents are in the same nice little group right where now it annoys my brothers

so for years and years I grew up with this fucking shit crack that used to annoy me but now that I'm on the other side of it and I get that inner joke like every time

my mum makes me wrang Matthew will just sit there my little brother with his head and his hands like don't do it don't like, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Like, Matthew? Dad, dad, come through, we're about to do it. Dad, dad, no, hang up the ground, I know she's ill, but come in anyway.

He hangs up. Dad, dad, dad. Is Matthew having a meringue? I don't know. Is that a donut meringue? I think you're right. I think it's a donut. It's the worst. That's why I think he's a donut that's the worst

that's why I want to be a dad like I think because I ask my parents what's the best thing about being you know parents and they're just like

loads of stuff but it is finding ways to fuck off your kids is like the thing that keeps a bond between like parents strong

because no matter how annoyed they are at each other kids are always more fucking annoying and you can just team up behind their backs

because kids aren't aware enough to know that you're bitching about them I want to be a dad just so I can play Lego but it's crossed my mind

there I should just buy some Lego I'd be your own man probably save me selling a lot of stuff get some Lego play with it myself

so yeah that's the thing like if my right hand starts itching I'm like oh feeling lucky oh I need a wank so I was

with my poor family my mum's left hand was always itching she'd stop playing with nettles with her left hand this is one just for me like now I'm going to precursor this with like I love obviously this is one just for me like

now I'm gonna precursor this with like I love obviously you're fine with dogs you don't love them you don't hate them they're just they're like people for me

they're like people I'll judge them on their own merit I will agree with you in a sense but I'm like I love dogs like if there's a dog there I'll be like fucking yeah yeah yeah yeah you can be my best friend for a bit but I'll always go love dogs like if there's a dog there I'll be like fucking yeah yeah yeah

you can be my best friend for a bit but I'll always go back to the people but people that are like I just like I love animals like more than I love

I get on with animals more than I get on with people and you're like that is like the biggest roast of your personality possible like only animals

like you like the reason you prefer animals to humans is because dogs can't tell you to fuck off. Because you're utilising the unconditional part of the unconditional love. Unconditional love is nice that it's there,

but don't use it. If that's the only love that you get, you're a bad person. I feel like my parents' love is unconditionally. I don't feel like I test that. Don't test it. So if you just love animals because they love you, that means you need the unconditional love

because you're not lovable. Yeah. Think about that for a second. Skew on it and change it. You're such a shit person that the only thing that loves you under all circumstances. It's the thing that needs you for food. Yeah, the thing that you're keeping alive.

My cat just gets me. Right, well. Yeah, it also sleeps where it pisses. I mean, I don't know if it does. But so do you. They don't sleep in the litter box of the cats. No. Nah. I don't know enough about animals to profess to know.

I just think that's a bit... So what was the straightforward point? Just if you prefer animals to humans at any point. Don't get me wrong, you're allowed to love animals, you're allowed to love animals, but you've always said, and it's a point I agree with,

which is I'm team human. Oh, totally. When people bang on about comes to when people bang on about entry when they bang on at the Grand National about the horses getting hurt and the falls

I'm like oh it's a doodah right yeah he's got a family and shit people are going to cry he's got an admin I understand the vegan counter argument to that

which is like oh what I'm not allowed to care about multiple things and I'm like the people that get upset by horse racing are also you know

hate the war in Syria And all that stuff People got mad at me doing the bull run On the photo, I was wearing a Primark t-shirt I had a child made What about the child slavery? Picking the wrong battle

But yeah, if you prefer animals to humans That is a muggly thing Go sit in the corner and pretend that you're Snow White But you're not, because if you sing All the birds are fucking off, you muggle. Also, enjoy spitting that fiver on homies. Fucking fiver hasn't got animal fat in them.

Oh God, that's a fucking bit of blow. I do feel sorry for vegans in that situation, and not because they have to do this thing, but I reckon there's always the case, right, there are, I would assume,

80%, if not 90% of vegans, could not give less of a shit but like they could in a way they're like ah you've right that's a like you fucked me over but like i reckon they're pissed off by the amount of like uh people that are coming out being like oh but you can't use the fiver and they're like no no i can but they're also pissed off by that 10 of vegans the ones that are signing the petitions all these normal vegans all these rational vegans are just sat there going you're the reason the world hates us you're the reason the world fucking hates us for the love

of god would you just let it go and as well i know at least five vegans that will have 100 of snorted cocaine through one of those fibersivers and they're going to be upset that there's animal fat in the fiver and I'm just like ah, there's blood on your hands mate and blood up your nose. That's why you've got a nosebleed on us. What's your final one? Because my last one is a fucking doozy.

My last one's tooting the horn. I don't understand in India tooting the horn, right? They don't have lane discipline, they just let people know they're there so that they don't understand like I don't understand in India tooting the horn right they don't have lane discipline they just let people know they're there so that they don't crash meh meh meh meh meh

right tooting your hand here is just like shouting at someone but like you're defended by your car your vehicle that person's not going to

get out of the car because you're tooting the horn it's because it's we're like meh it's the thing it's so unspecific like you've got to be able

to use your horn if someone swerves in front of you like I You've got to be able to use your horns. If someone swerves in front of you... I think you need to do that to stop a collision happening. You toot the horn if someone's backing up and you're there. You're like, well, I'm here. Meh, meh, meh. That's what you toot the horn for. But if someone's being a dick and you're fucking hooting,

you're tooting your horn. There's 30 people around you, and I've been in the position as well where I'm just sat there and someone goes... I don't know if that was me, and I don't know what i fucking did it's such an and it's always one people that do multiple ones get in the corner for fucking life because it is the equivalent of just if someone in a fucking supermarket like skips a queue in front of you and there's a big queue and instead of you just going mate there's a cue you just go like it's not specific enough

there needs to be like something specific on a car like a sniper rifle where you can just just let the one person know that they fucked you off people that people they know in this, like if you're driving past them,

it's like you've, 20 people have just gone, I didn't do anything. Like, oh, Steve, Steve, Dave,

Dave. That was it. When I went to Bangalore, when I went to India, I thought I was famous as fuck. I'm on the sidewalk waving at every country. Yeah, it's me.

Oh, fucking hell. Fucking's in the house. Yeah, so it's big over here so you listen to podcasts what about do you reckon anybody's

ever getting one of them horns there na na na na na na na na na na na but forgot got it and then they get angry

in traffic you're such a dick oh right are you ready to get furious yes this muggle corner

so if you if you toot your horn when it's not a collision and not a warning get in the corner for 30 seconds and scream while

you're in the corner like the fucking you gotta scream like that for the full 30 seconds and every time you're at the

queue in the post office you've got to toot with your face put your money where your mouth is if you're gonna toot in the car you're tooting real life have some balls you're at the queue in the post office you've got to toot with your face put your money where your mouth is if you're

going to toot in the car you're tooting real life have some balls yeah you fucking somebody stand to the left on the escalator get behind

them I would love that I mean that you put it that way I genuinely would love if that was socially acceptable in airports see if someone was just see

if someone hadn't fucking taken their laptop out the bag and I would love to just be able to shame them without getting punched. Like, if they're taking too long going through it, just go,

ah, ah, ah. And everybody else starts doing it, meh, meh, meh. Oh, because that part. The whole queue of people, meh. Because I reckon if you did that in real life,

that would stop people being slow. Like, if, see when you're walking through London fucking Russia or like we were yesterday. I would get a road rage if anyone tooted us in real life. Yeah, yeah. I was like, fucking, oh, I've still got my belt on and then people started tooting. Oh, that I would get a road rage if anyone tooted us in real life yeah

I was like fucking up I've still got my belt on and then people started tooting oh that belt would become a deadly weapon I'd just turn into a fucking street fighter I'd just start

what's the one Maxi Maxi from Soul Calibur oh yeah Maxi from Soul Calibur with my belt my belt in one hand me watch in the other

start twatting people knocking wigs off right this one is I did some more research into this this is from Chris Nelson one hand me watching the other. Not twatting people. Not getting wigs off. Right. This one is, I did some more research into this. This is from Chris Nelson. Well done, Chris Nelson on Twitter. You absolutely nailed this.

Do you know who Dale Partridge is? Who is Dale Partridge? I've got no idea. Is he just a person? Is he a public figure? He's a person. I think he's an entrepreneur. Yeah, he's verified and stuff.

Oh. Right. I, and I mean this sincerely, I hope he dies. Let's hear his word porn. Right? I, and I mean this sincerely, I hope he dies. Let's hear his word, Paul. Right. Men, if you've lost eyes

for your wife, it's not because she stopped caring herself. It's because your love wasn't based on her heart. It was based on her body. There shouldn't be any surprise here, gentlemen.

Our women are bearing children and taking on much of the immense responsibility of raising those babies into responsible kids. The idea that our wives can do all this,

run a home, maintain a vibrant connection with God, invest into our relationship, pour into her passions, and keep her body how it was when she was 19 is ridiculous. While I do believe a wife should aim to care for herself, let's keep our perspective in reality. Love her body, but never more than her.

Wow. Hashtag daily wisdom. Hey, I've got a very similar quote here from Method man of the wu-tang clan saying the only thing better than pussy is some new pussy like what's this guy called dale parges i've got so many things uh wrong with this that just like i was there's no coffee left in this house i woke up this morning you did the last coffee that's absolutely fine with because you drink much more coffee

than I do that's not what I will thank fucking Dale Partridge I woke up because this was the first tweet I woke up to

oh man I punched a window start the blood coursing through your veins first of all there's so many things

men right addressing all of us I could get into so many problems with this men okay I've got

something to learn from this guy Oh yeah yeah I'm listening I'm listening to Oracle Is it the spokesman of our people Dale Partridge Here he comes

Everybody listen up Men Men Men all around Listen to Dale Partridge Go on Dale Everyone's listening If you've lost eyes for your wife

Oh I'm not married It's not me It's not because you stopped caring for yourself It's because your love wasn't based on His whole point is like, if you've got fallout of attraction with your wife because of her body and stuff, it's because your love wasn't...

Now, I'll agree with that, but it's such an unnecessary point to make because I refuse to believe the majority of men ever, ever. And maybe this is naive, I don't think any man after 25 years of marriage has been like you see that woman that's been with me through the hardest points

let's keep gender out of it I doubt any person in a married relationship has been like I've been with this person through thick and thin and you know whatever but I mean they're with Jim anymore like just getting crow's feet mink

he's got a little saggy beard he's championed this thing I mean, they're with Jim anymore. Just getting crow's feet. Mink. He's got a little saggy pain. He's championing this thing, which I don't think many... He's self-elevating because he doesn't do it. He's totally self-elevating. I'm at the point of no return with my girlfriend now. I'm so loved up that if she ended up having a sex change, I'd still suck her dick.

She's my boo. Like, if she fucking lambed on Wade, if she got disfigured, like, if push came to shove, I'd fucking wheel her around. Yeah.

I hope nothing bad happens to her because it would knock her confidence. However, I'm in deep, you know. I don't even need fucking Dale Potters to start fucking loading over

with that bullshit but it's the thing is the undertones of this right because this is him being like I understand

he's doing the worst thing to do which is I understand what women are going through you don't just the best thing to say to anyone in this situation you're not in

is the worst thing you can say is I understand right whenever I've got lots of friends with uh depression right uh i'm sure eric lamp is one right uh he's absolutely fine but he's got you know he's got he gets anxiety he talks about it on stage so i'm not throwing him under the bus here the thing i say to him and everyone else which is the most helpful thing you can say oh it's not even helpful is i don't understand like that sounds awful but i do not understand what you're going through trying to

relate to someone is not the let them because i feel so fucking weird you go yeah i don't understand i'm here for you but to say i understand is to like belittle their thing be like oh yeah everyone's going through it like but it doesn't feel that way his thing there are women bearing children taking much of the responsibility the fact that our wives can do this maintain a

vibrant connection with God jump off a fucking bridge and into a knife you fucking cunt pouring her passions and

keep her body where she's trying to get the Trump vote who's who's who's expecting their who's expecting their

partner to look the exact same way they did when they're 20 who's that fucking tell you who Donald Trump that's who he's paying for the fucking plastic surgery to make expecting their partner to look the exact same way they did when they were 20? Who's that fucking, I'll tell you who, Donald Trump.

That's who. He's paying for the fucking plastic surgery. To me. And as well, like, you don't want, you want your partner to grow with you anyway. Like,

man, I used to do uni gigs when I was like 25, right? When I first started comedy, 25, 26 years old, done uni gigs. And the, the students at the uni at 18,

19 year old, didn't look that young I went back and done a uni gig like last year and fuck they looked like children you know what

I would fucking hate it if you just get old and like become 33 and your beard still looks like 90 you're like I look like a fucking

nonce Dale Partridge you're a certified nonce I've got I had to go into his Facebook page Because that's the thing about my hate If I hate something I need to hate it more What else have you found out about this douche

Married men That's another one of his statuses I don't care what science says Strong start I don't care what science says Typical American Christian I don't care what science says about pornography looking at porn is planting the seed of adultery in your marriage it's not okay it's

not healthy and it's the literal act of not loving the woman you vowed to protect until death i'm so tired of men saying it's an addiction nobody it's a choice it's like a self-control and it's an attack on your pride stop it grow up heal your real sex life restore the realistic expectations of your wife in the bedroom and bring back the dignity of your marriage and then right i'm not kidding brackets 1 corinthians 6 18 through 20 mate that's not in the fucking bible oh pornhub sucks hi corinthians you know that bit where jesus, marry men, I don't care what science says. Back then, there wasn't science. We were like, Jesus, where's science?

Fuck that shit about looking at porn behind your partner's back. If you fucking enjoy the porn clip, send us a link. Watch it together. But this, this is an interesting one for the debate because I do feel that too much pornography can be damaged.

Like, if you grow up young, like watching porn through your fucking 15, 16, like, if that's the first time you see sex, especially as a young man, that can give you unrealistic expectations. Like, you're like, oh, so I always have to come on her face. It's always guy-centred and whatever. Like, I do agree That can be damaging For young kids Watching porn

And I do agree That if you watch Too much of it I sometimes go on breaks When I don't watch it anymore Because I'm just like I watch ethical porn Alright ethical porn

Alright Like the animals Are free range The pay of the women But This idea Because he's been like Poor He's he's like, it's not an addiction. You go, no, no, no, no, no, no. For some people, it's not an addiction.

Like, in the same way that you can get people that do drugs that are not drug addicts. I do drugs, but I would not consider myself a drug addict. I'd probably do more drugs than some drug addict. Yeah, but... I'd probably drink more alcohol than some alcoholics. It's all about your own boundaries and your own control. Yeah, and it's about when you're fucking doing it. To say porn addiction, I'm not, but there must be people out there who it is just, and it's in their head, and it's this fantasy that they can't get out of, and it's never going to live up to that

every time they have sex because they've got all these preconceptions of what sex should be from what it was in porn then they go have sex and then it's not as good as that because they're not fucking connected with the person fine but to just be like

no it's not is porn addiction though it's got to be the lamest addiction when imagine you're in a fucking anonymous meeting there's people out of like fucking coming off heroin lamest addiction when imagine you're in a fucking anonymous meeting there's people that have like fucking come off

heroin and stuff like that and you're like I jack off like three times a night dude I went cold turkey off brown

like I would I like the interracial stuff sometimes smash it sometimes I get a little bit sore down there

I've got another one so I feel so far we've we've annoyed a lot of people I want people to hate Dale Partridge as much as I do please do not fucking

like if don't tweet and shit like there's this whole thing like if you light him up right don't

just let him exist hate him from the outside because otherwise we get called for insight and fucking hatred just hate privately like we do ah fuck him just do him

get on there start an avalanche fucking drop the cunt as a parent I'm learning your child's obedience will either authenticate or diminish your authority

in other people's lives ultimately if you can't leave your own children you can't lead others right I'm not a parent but

even not being a parent that infuriates me as if they're like oh yeah if your kids don't listen to you but like have you tried getting a kid to do fucking anything I don't am I going to take fucking child advice of someone that infuriates me as if they're like, oh yeah, if your kids don't listen to you but like, have you tried getting a kid to do fucking anything?

Am I going to take fucking child advice of someone that's never off Facebook? And I really would recommend going through, this is just Dale Partridge is a muggle, but what the muggle corner part of this is if you agree with, go through his statuses, right? If they infuriate

you, if they get you angry and they start these types of discussions, it's great. I would argue he's good for that. We've had some, and if you've got any corrections to anything we said, because we are fucking idiots, feel free to fucking tweet us. We do like being corrected on our thoughts because that's the only way we can learn.

Also never profess to be right. No, we never profess to be right. We think out loud and the best thing is we like when we get challenged and stuff in nice ways because it allows us to have these type of conversations. But Gawndale Partridge Plate, if you agree with any one of his statuses, any single one, every status you agree with,

in the corner for 30 seconds. I think that's fair. And at least share the statuses so people have got a chance to block you. Right, we'll do a quick I love you but for next week. A little recap on what you stand in the corner for. 30 seconds for if you share a friend anniversary on Facebook, you're a wider friend group.

If you, like me, think right to receive or left to leave or any other such fallacy. If you toot your car at people out of aggression, as if you're shouting at them. In the corner for 30 seconds. You're a bad talent. If you like animals more than people, you are a muggle. Go stand in the corner for 30 seconds you're a bad talent if you like animals more than people

you are a muggle go stand in the fucking corner you're a friendless mug if you say afternoon instead of morning when people are like have slept in

that's just I know I know and I've done it I'll stand in the corner it's a very but you just understand that there's a little bit

of muggle wiring in your head that occasionally just comes through and Dale Partridge if you agree with anything this man said and to the people who and if you're like me i'm so sorry for bringing him into your life the amount of rage this man has caused me will cause you similar rage but just understand that it was chris nelson that fucking started it so i'm spreading the plague

all right we'll do a quick one of it i love you pop and this would mean kyle obviously on tour we have uh gripes about each other that we don't always bring up because they're small, they're unnecessary. But it's nice to air them out in a nice sort of therapeutical way, couples therapy type way. You want to do your first one? Yep. This was way more relevant when we lived together.

Now not so much, but I got reminded of it being back at your house last week. I love you, bud. And this goes for you and Jean. If you leave food in the fridge for weeks and sometimes months

past the sell by date I'm going to make you a slap up meal with it. You know, you are keeping it away let's put it to use. Why the fuck do you let your milk

turn into cheese and just leave it there? Because I tour for three months. Yeah but not always. No but this is like this is something that I recognised on 2i because I saw Jean had done it this week.

Oh, yeah, yeah. There was two full bottles of milk of different dates that had both passed. She worked 60-hour days. But she bought the new milk, put it in the fridge, and left that. It doesn't matter if you work 60-hour days. That's part of the same transaction

of putting the milk in the fridge. No. Man, I've got, like... Natalie does it too sometimes. Not so much since she's lived with Kat, actually. She does a lot better. But leaving food in the fridge, I just got like... Natalie does it too sometimes. Not so much since she's lived with Kat. Actually, she does a lot better. But leaving food in the fridge, I just don't get it.

It's like having litter in your fridge. When I come back and I've been away and I've been one time off, the last thing I want to do is clean my fucking house. But you go in the fridge, right, and go, I've got nothing. Why, when you leave the fridge, do you not take the litter and put it in the bin?

There's litter in your fridge. Because the problem is as well Like a lot of the time is I don't know whose food is what I don't think the off food is off It doesn't matter I don't drink milk so I'm never checking the milk I'll buy milk for the house

You probably won't even realise this But I have threw out most of the food that's ever went off in your house Oh probably yeah I don't like to affect my day I go in No no but it would affect your day if I hadn't done it. No, because I...

If I hadn't done it, you wouldn't be able to open your fridge for off food. No, because it's... The second vegetables start going off. You're talking about... You're talking about... Dude, you were having a snipe at me

for pouring garlic dip on my pizza. Yeah. Man, this is a whole new fucking ballpark of... But it doesn't affect anyone... Wrong. But it doesn't affect anyone apart from me and Jean no when I lived

with you I did yeah but you don't live with us anymore because I lived with you yeah so I'm saying this was more relevant when I lived with you

but I got like oh bringing up stuff from the past are we reminded of it but I don't think there's a defence for that I don't think there's

like I work 16 hour days I totally think there is I think if you go to the fridge and see there's all food that's literally you've got to take to the bin no because it's like going I work 16 hour days I haven't think there is I think if If you go to the fridge And see there's no food That's literally You've got to take to the bin

No because It's like going out Work 16 hour days I haven't got time To put my shoes on No no You've got to walk barefoot Down the street

I am busy It's like It's something that Negates all of the You should say I'm going to the fridge And I'm just going to I don't drink milk

I buy milk for the house Because everyone else Fucking You drink coffee Everyone else I don't I don't drink I don't drink my coffee I don't have milk for my coffee I buy milk for the house because everyone else fucking, you drink coffee. Everyone else, I don't. I don't drink milk for coffee. I don't have milk for my coffee.

I buy milk for the fucking house. You're a pretty wasteful person. You'll buy, you'll do a grocery shop but you'll not like think, oh, I'm going to have time to eat all that. Yeah,

I do a big shop. So you do a big shop but then you just watch it rot. Yeah. In your house, in your home. It's called money. It's called money. You're a's called money. I love you, but if you keep barking at children in airports

and trying to hump the wheels of their strollers, I'm going to have to get you spayed. Slander! And I won't let you lick peanut butter off my balls anymore. Slander! It's unnecessary. It's other people's kids. There's no way you can stick a peanut butter

Off your balls for that lie That bullshit Don't hump the stroller Hump the dad I'm not a pimp I'm not a criminal I'm just a chancer That's why I'm a lark

We'll see you next one I'm just a chancer. That's why I'm a lad guy. We'll see you next time. I love you, bud. If you insist on getting a £20 taxi ride when it costs £1.50 for the same bus journey, which is arguably quicker because I have a bus lane, I'm going to talk to the taxi driver just to get him going and then put my headphones on. I'm not...

We've had this discussion a few times I don't know Like You know to get back to your house From the airport Yeah Right The tram's a fiver

Yeah Right and there's wifi on the tram Yeah but it drops me a mile up the road It's a comfy seat It's not a mile It is a mile It's 300 metres Haymarket

No no no It drops you off at Murrayfield Murrayfield Ah even No that's still That's at least a kilometre. It's a little bit of a walk. If you've got your suitcase,

you kind of see your point a little bit. But oft times you've just got hand luggage, you pay a fiver, you don't have to chat to anyone, you don't get stuck in traffic, you get back. And the whole thing about it, it isn't like,

oh, I've got the 300 metre walk at the end. Because arguably you could pop into the shop on that walk, it's on the way, get yourself some new milk it's the fact that you think you're bigger than public transport no it's not the fact

that I think I'm bigger I just hate it I think it stemmed from when your pictures got put on the buses you couldn't bear to get on a bus when you've got your

pictures on them it comes from fucking childhood because it comes from fucking when I was at high school like I grew my school was

20 miles from where I lived I lived the furthest away from my school possible in the whole fucking school for years and years and years so I had to get two buses to fucking school and whenever I wanted to go see friends and stuff I had to get buses everywhere my parents were fucking driving me everywhere I had to get buses constantly

and buses in Fife are shit, I fucking hated everyone on them I fucking hate it, I just hate it I just hate being a fucking router. And especially because I'm at home so fucking little, the second I'm in Edinburgh, I'm like, I just want to be home. I don't, I'm not complaining about the extra price of the taxi because you're nice enough to go.

If we're getting a taxi, you'll usually pay for it because it's your call. But half the time, you end up getting more annoyed than you were on a bus because the bus driver's your call but half the time you end up getting more annoyed than you would on a bus because the bus driver is not going to talk to you right

and and also you get stuck in traffic you're just in traffic with a dude for 20 quid more than it would have taken to just blast home

he drops me off at my house drops me off at the fucking front door I will suffer the conversation of a fucking taxi driver rather than just fucking when the bus stops at the bottom of your street will suffer the conversation of a fucking taxi driver rather than just fucking

bus stops at the bottom of the street when people get literally the bottom of the street people get on and they take so long and then I've got to give up my seat because I'm a good person if there's an old person

or a pregnant woman or people with kids and then I'm fucking standing on a bus like a fucking asshole I just and then I've got to listen to other people's conversation because I forget my headphones

I've got to listen to muggles just exist near me I've got to listen to other people's conversation because I forget my headphones. I've got to listen to muggles just exist near me. I've got no need for it. And I reckon I could be poor and I'd be begging outside the airport for money for a taxi before... People are like, oh, can I just get money for the bus home?

I'd be outside the airport and people are like, oh, can I get 20 quid for a taxi? There's a bus. I bet if you've seen the people, I'm not interested. I agree with you. It is a total hierarchy thing, but I'm not changing it i think you might have like a bit more of a phobia of

crowded places because i can just still be alone when it's quite crowded you know like i'll be on the tube it'll be busy i can be like fucking either have my headphones on i'll be reading a book i just it's like i might as well just be my own little place i think i think you're just used to buses of like edinburgh and stuff where maybe they are nicer I'm used to buses of Fife when it's just neds and chavs coming on

and just being dicks starting fights with cunts I really hate just being in traffic with a meter running there's someone just grim about that

way just like oh I'm getting charged for having a shit time but you just pay 1.50 and get there

in a second next time I'll race you I guarantee I'll get home before you alright then yeah in Rareport yeah oh cool yeah we you I guarantee I'll get home before you alright then right yeah in Brepaw

yeah oh cool yeah we'll do that we'll do that test right I love you but if you throw one more tantrum in the middle of Tesco

because I won't let you buy a Princess Elsa costume I'm not going to let you sit on Santa's lap at Christmas market like you've got two at home every time you bet I've got this one

for Christmas that's why I'm not going to get this one you've got two at home right if you want to wear it wear this one for Christmas. That's why I'm not going to get this one. You've got two at home, right? If you want to wear it in public, I'm not buying you a new one just because you fucking spilled rubina on your last one. I would have come out the hole.

It'd come out, you said it wouldn't. Rub the varnish on it. Yeah. So what, I have to buy a new one then? Oh, because I've grown. I'm a grown boy. I've been eating your crusts.

I would dip them in the Domino's sauce, you fucking traitor. Right. I feel like I'm fucking throwing you under the bus here. You're just fucking

being awkward. I love you, but if we're on a packed train, keep to your side of the seat. I'm not perching on the end

just so that you can sprawl out and I'm not spooning you. So check your boundaries before I drag you down the aisle like a catering trolley and start selling you I've got a big dick

keep it away on the train I'm jealous of you because this is a thing like like I do like manspreading manspreading

it's something that because I don't experience it it's one of those things You know It became a big thing Amongst the feminist movement But I've not asked anyone

Like feminist friends Like what they're Because there's so many Movements in feminist That a lot It's like vegans There's a lot of feminist Things that

Some feminists get annoyed with And then other feminists Get annoyed That they get annoyed at that Like that's not what We're fighting for Like I have to sit with

like not spread but like but even I'll cross my legs but I've got a dick and ball I've got a dick and a big dick

and balls there like I cannot fucking squash my future kids I can't sit like that I think it's you can't just sit with your legs closed

no your balls cocking still big maybe your jeans are too tight maybe but I think it's you can't just sit with your legs closed no you'd like your balls cock and still be maybe your jeans are too tight maybe but maybe you should stop wearing a jockstrap

you always ask me to though it's your favourite cock bra yeah yeah like we were just on a train seat like a double train seat and I couldn't go and get another one because it's busy

and you were just like you can see where the line between the two seats are it's because yeah I'll give you that I'm like you are like way over that line like if you were a stranger it would be weird but like do you not recognize that are you because I've been doing that for years and you've not fought back so I've just realized that you're a fucking little pushover so just do it anyway I really feel like you're coming on to it like is he trying to cuddle? Like, what's with the contact? I've got a fucking weird bendy spine, and if I sit in the same position for too long,

I've got to fucking move around. And also, don't do it with other people, but it's just because I know you won't fight back. I would never do it to an actual human being. Like, I've either got a picture on the end of the street, or I just fucking get cozy with you. I don't want to do either. I'm a fucking bit of a prick.

I love you, but if you don't stop tweeting Katie Hopkins tweets asking her to send nudes I'm going to tell her that those dick pics she sent on her screen grabs as Joel Domet's Skype wank videos

I mean there's no there's no way that's not Joel Domet I have watched it for those of you who don't know one of her very good friends Joel Domet I have watched it for those of you who don't know one of our very good friends

Joel Domet who is currently in the jungle and I'm a celebrity this year did a show at the fringe about how he was catfished I don't know the full story

he told me I forget details and he does a show about it so I don't want to say anything wrong but basically it resulted in there was a video of him masturbating on Skype

when he thought he was doing it with a girl. And they tried to blackmail him, but Joel did the right thing and was just like, nah, nah, I'm going to fucking own this. Did a show about it. It's been in there for a little while, hasn't it? But it hasn't been brought to the forefront until he got put in the jungle. Until he got put in the jungle.

And the thing is, he's got... I think it did him wonders. He's got a lovely dick. I've had points where people attempt to catfish me at least once a week. It happens a lot on Tinder and Snapchat. Just random people add you, put up fake images. And it's very clever some of the times. On Instagram, they'll have an entire three-month back catalogue of photos.

They'll have the world. Yeah, and then they'll snapchat your pictures because you can put pictures that aren't live in snapchat and put a thing over it and they'll send you them but the chat can be updated I'm very good at spotting this stuff because it is one of my biggest fears

I don't send those fucking videos anyway but just being aware of what could happen, the stuff the stuff you say they could use against you i had one girl i was doing a gig in blythe doing your gig and this girl was like oh add me on messenger met her on tinder spoke for two days she's like add me on this thing properly slow played me added me on uh this fucking messenger thing i just sent me a photo of uh our debts and i was like right she's like send me a picture of her dicks and I was like, right. She's like, send me a picture of your dick.

So I Googled Big Black Cock and sent that. She's like, that's not you. You typed in B and Big Black Cock come up. Favourites. Oh, it was already open from a previous tab. And she's like, that's not you. And I'm like, that's not you.

She's like, yeah, isn't it? She sent another photo and I was like, send me a picture with my name written on your boobs. Silence. I was saying, like, people, you've got written on your boobs. Silence. I was saying, like, people,

you've got to be aware. And that was from my gig? None from your gig, it was happening while I was at your gig. Oh, okay. But this happens to me often where it just,

and I'm very, because it happens so often, I'm very aware of it, but back in my head, I've got the same thing. So you're probably thinking you're being catfished by all these girls again.

This fucking weirdo wants us to scribble on my tits. Have you seen this freak? I sent him a picture of my boobs. He's like, I'll fucking sign them. What a fucking fetish. What a weird ink fetish.

But I reckon I'm in the same boat as Joel Dormant, right? Which is like, let's say one day I do get properly fucking catfished, I fall, right? And for one of the first times in my life, I fucking send through a fucking video of me wanking and she's like I'm going to release this online I'll be like fine, do my free PR for me

when people go oh video of Sloss masturbating online, the rumours were true I've got a massive dick like what there's never going to be a photo because if you're sending a picture of your dick there's never going to be a photo because if you're sending a picture of your dick there's never going to be a photo

that's going to make you look bad right because like I haven't reached age of 33 without taking a photo of my cock

right but every time I have I mean I haven't got the biggest dick but on a photo it looks like the fucking I'm staring up

at the Empire State Building you get the fucking angle on it looks like I'm being attacked there's a Chinese couple taking

photos outside of it it looks like my cock's been bitten by a radioactive bigger cock. Oh, fuck. Right, we're over. We need to run into dad jokes quickly.

Oh, shit. This is what happens when we do podcasts in the morning. Oh, and we have to leave because, suck it, cunts, we're going to have lunch in the Tower of London. Yes yes our friend tom houghton lives in the tower of london don't ask how he does i'll prove it right uh our favorite round your dad jokes we're being so each other's dad i'll go first uh on christmas eve your dad would always tell you to leave santa out a bounty a razors magazine and a line of cat for Rudolph. Your dad slips ants off the garden path with his lips.

Your dad tried to do his own henna tattoo with Ribena and a Capri Sun straw. Your dad reads Vogue magazine out loud on the bus while he's driving. On the bus? I got it.

Your dad got his tonsils removed so he could swallow bananas whole. Your dad wrote your granny a step-by-step guide on how to suck eggs. Your dad spills his beer on the table at the pub and sucks it up. Get the answer. Your dad cross-stitched a sign saying

If you sprinkle when you tingle, please be sweet And wipe the seat And he put it up in the ladies' toilet at work Your dad howls at the glow-in-the-dark moon sticker on his ceiling Your dad got arrested for doing Not touching can't get mad On one of the Queen's guard Outside of Buckingham Palace But they did get mad

I got arrested It's fucking bullshit Your dad's in hospital Because he got his dicks Trapped in his slinky I can't enjoy that joke How horrible that is He was trying to

Fuck it down the stairs Your dad put a lock On the outside Of the bathroom door So when he gets sick Of your mum's shit because how horrible that is. He was trying to fuck it down the stairs. Your dad put a lock on the outside of the bathroom door so when he gets sick of your mum's shit he can lock it and have peace and quiet. Your dad eats porridge with his knuckles. He just fucking... Licks it off. Makes eye contact with his prison mate.

Your dad's got carpet burns on his knees when he wears denim shorts to show them off. Your dad's yawns smell like talcum powder and I don't know why. Your dad waited for I was at the stage door to meet Oxide Neutrino to get their autographs

before he realised he doesn't know what they look like and he probably missed them. Who? Exactly. Oxide Neutrino. What did they sing again? I don't know what they look like and he probably missed them who exactly oxide neutrino what did they sing again i don't know who

they are why are you asking me oxide neutrino the song fucking uh oh the garage band what'd they sing

you're no good for me i can't hate nobody you're no good for me yeah i've never heard this song in my

life have you not dad loves them he loves listening to them he's never seen them No, no, good for me. I've never heard this song in my life. Have you not? Yeah. Your dad loves them. He loves listening to them. He's never seen them. Your dad still uses Casa to download Brazilian fart porn. Casa?

You don't remember Casa? Is that like... LimeWire. Napster. Napster? Napster was the original. That would be the original way to download music. No, no. LimeWire was way back in the fucking 2000s.

We could just download movies and porn. That was where... Do you remember you used to give your computer loads of fucking viruses that you didn't want to compare to your poor... U-turn. Kind of like the first version of that. People get LimeWire and Kazza. What's your last one?

I've got two left. Your dad was an onlooker at a Sophia house fire where several people died and when the fire brigade showed up he still went Oh, the stripper's here Your dad has to use a booster seat of the hairdressers

That's why I worry about the junkies every time the horse has fallen in Dad! Your dad has a file on his desktop Where he right clicks And saves funny photos Of Facebook

And he regularly Direct emails them To people as attachments Are these funny memes? Oh sending Sending emails and pictures Oh Back in the day

Oh right I think like People sometimes send us Like Facebook funny things On DM I send you them If I ever say a funny meme I know you'll laugh Back of the day. You know what? Right. I think, like, people sometimes send us, like, Facebook funny things on DM. I send you them. If I ever see a funny meme, I know you'll laugh at it. You know what?

I feel like some people really know me since the human. If they send it, I'm like, oh, this is going to be good. Like, you know how my mate Matty sends us something? He very rarely does. But if I say something off him, which he'd probably WhatsApp it anyway. But sometimes, like, people that I hardly know, they must think, like, oh, he's a comedian.

He likes funny. Just any funny thing. And then it'll just be any funny thing comedian He likes funny Just any funny thing And then it'll just be Any funny thing He's just seen something funny And then they've just Sent it to me And sometimes like I've just got like

Junk mail of jokes Because Because funny's my thing Aye It's like when you did Rubik's Cube And everyone bought Your Rubik's Cube presents

Yeah everyone buys A Rubik's Cube cup Fucking everything You got that with The dinosaur didn't you Oh fucking You got a dinosaur Christmas is coming up

and I reckon I'm getting at least five dinosaur base presents inflatable dinosaur I did ask my mum for a fucking Niffler though Niffler? it's the fucking

little platypus thing in the new Harry Potter movie I told you specifically I don't want a stuffed toy one I want an actual one your dad's getting you the best gift

I know but I won't reveal it until after Christmas because I want to post about it first, but it's a proper good gift. Anyway, we are on tour only a bit longer, so please do come see us. Tonight if you're in Southend,

come see us. We're there. Tomorrow Friday we are in Musselburgh Brunton Theatre and on Saturday Kai will not be there. Gareth Waugh is going to be there who was very very funny at Work in Progress on Tuesday night

Gareth Watt is a fucking funny funny man coming up with some killer shit he's getting funnier and funnier every time I say him I truly believe Gareth Watt is one of the best

Scottish comics like working the circuit today he's just a very funny man so he'll be supporting me in Glasgow at the fucking I don't know the name of the theatre

one of the theatres Google it and I'm going up to support Steve-O and Aberdeen I'm going up to support Steve-O and Aberdeen, he said Jack-O from Steve-Nidge. Hi. Hi, Jack-O from Steve-Ass.

Jack-O from Steve-Nidge. Steve-O from Jack-Ass, fucking childhood hero. Aye. I used to fucking idolise him every now and again. I'd watch one of his stunts and then I'd fucking hammer

and nail through my cock and go, like my boy. Legends. Legends. But that's the thing, right? Like, you know, he's vegan now I'd watch one of his stunts and then I'd fucking hammer and nail through my cock like my boy Legends Legends but that's the thing right like you know

he's vegan now and he's teetotaling and everything so fucking you've got the worst end I've got it yeah like it's gonna be

really weird because I'll be fucking rocking up like showing him pictures from the bull run and he's like oh I disapprove and then next week

Monday through Saturday I am on at the Soho Theatre at 7.15 every day please come down and see that, I think a lot of them are sold out so get on those quickly if you're in London and if you can't get tickets to my show, go see Nick and then if your right hand is itching right now

and you're going to come into a spot of money fucking come to Altitude Festival it's not too late to come to Altitude Festival it's fucking it's going to to Altitude Festival it's fucking it's going to be the business it's going to be the tits

so that's what you can see us apart from that we will talk to you on a oh will we talk to you oh I guess we'll have to do this podcast

another podcast we'll be able to do it yeah I'm going to stay at yours on Sunday night I've got the Glasgow gig for Steve-O but then we'll come

back and talk about it right sweet and then yeah I think we're good for another couple of weeks and then we're going to start worrying and then we'll start splitting up Alright, love you, bye