Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.19 Fishing for Compliments

Episode Date: December 5, 2016

Over a cheese platter Muggins and Cream revisit their worst ever gigs and discuss desperate measures in bathroom emergencies, all in the interest of making you smirk on the train. And for compliments.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, Muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Muggins and cream with cheese and ham.

Muggins and ham, cream and cheese. So Daniel done something amazing. We were just at the front door having a spliff just now and then this woman pulled up on a moped and brought a cheese plate. this woman pulled up on a moped and brought a cheese plate. She drove by on a moped and dropped off a charcuterie board and I tipped her two gold coins.

Shiny coins. Thanks for the cheese, milady. You know, by a sense, something nice. Like, I've had it before where you've ordered pizza

and stuff without mentioning it it's a nice surprise like you know you could just go hey do you want a pizza and ask what I want and all that but you think nah

I'm going to just order pizza the guy's not like anticipating pizza then all of a sudden you've got pizza it's a lovely thing you've done I do it a couple of times sometimes it's Thai food

sometimes I mix it up burritos sometimes today I decided to mix it up a little bit further. Did you put a cheese board? I think, oh, Deliveroo. Oh, I'm holding a plate of cheese. I honestly had no idea. By the way, welcome to the podcast.

I had no idea that Deliveroo did. They do weird things at Deliveroo. It's not just your standard. Because if you go through Deliveroo, they deliver wine. at Deliveroo it's not just your standard because if you go through Deliveroo they deliver wine they deliver beer they deliver vodka

they deliver individuals likes of cheesecake I thought you were not going to say a cake she just drives by and slaps some of your

damn off your face I love it you just got a wheel of brie it's a great wee thing and just got a wheel of brie. It's a great wee thing and this is a lovely, there's never enough bread with the Deliveroo

charcuterie board, I find. I don't understand why Welcome to the most middle class things I've ever said with Daniel Sloss. There's never enough bread

with the charcuterie boards from Deliveroo. I don't even think that's a first world problem. I think that's so far above. That's like a 1% problem That's not even a problem It's like you're really looking for something There's too many hard breads

I think there should be more soft breads with it So you can make sandwiches You don't No, what we're doing with that Shakuri board I mean, I think that's the most working class thing That is You don't think it's a Shakuri board You just think it's a fucking It's a DIY subway And've ever said you don't think it's a chicory board you just think it's a

fucking it's a DIY subway and you're like oh man it's a job simulator and food you know if you've got a plate of cheese and hams

and then you've got some buns you can make some ham and cheese sandwiches yeah put some mayo on it you've got mayo on the fridge so you want an Ikea version of Deliveroo

I know it's just it's how we love that food in fucking Poland so much because it was essentially the DIY burger Beef tartare Beef tartare

So it's maggots and cream back in your ears We split up last night didn't we Well don't put it like that People will cry I left you for another man didn't I No you did, you cheated on me It was the last day of the tour So we've been touring for fucking 50 days, 20 countries,

and it's the last day of the fucking big blowout party, and I just dumped Daniel to go and gig with Steve-O. Steve-Ass from Jacko. Jacko from Stevenage. How was it? So you were supporting Steve-O up in Aberdeen? Yeah. Aberdonia?

I just did a hit and run on the gig because we were staying in Edinburgh, and I'm supporting him Tonight in Glasgow as well So I can stay And watch his show And then tomorrow In Newcastle So I can watch his show On them

So instead of staying In Aberdeen I thought I'd catch The last train So I didn't see it What's he like? He's fucking great Totally sound

So you didn't see his act? I saw the first Ten minutes of it Because how old is he now? Well I felt like When I was watching Jackass I'll try to work this out,

I was about 14, 15 and I felt like they were in their early 20s. Yeah. So I'm going to say he's like late 30s. Yeah, maybe 40. I think Johnny Knoxville

just turned 40 or something like that. You didn't see if he did any of his stunts or stuff. Surely at this age... Well, he was a clown, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah,

that's what we go into. So he probably does some clowning stuff that he used to do. Maybe, yeah, but I didn't see anything that was gimmicky. I didn't see any stunts. He just does way less, because he's just getting a bit older and tired, to just this really lame version of the Jackass stunts. He just licks a 9-volt battery.

Throws them little explosive poppers at his feet. You know the ones that pop, pop. Makes himself dance. Everyone's like, oh, he's a proper mad con Steve-O, like, I'm dancing with the poppers. He puts the, dancing with the poppers. He puts the Bunsen burner onto the orange flame and rubs his hand through it,

like, oh, it's like toast. He just gets two chopsticks and puts them in his mouth and goes, oh, I'm a walrus. He spits up in the air and catches it in his mouth.

His little thing. He puts hula hoops on his fingers I thought you meant like hula hoops not the crisscross it's because they're bigger his fingers

but it was good then yeah it was good fucking great stand up man because it must be tough I think when you start stand up and you've already got a following

because man as a beginner stand-up, you get to go and hone your craft in the provinces, you know, in some little room above a pub at the Black Dog. Fucking nobody's there. Like, 12 people are there paying two quid. They named a pub after depression. That's where I went with it, because it's a fucking open mic night.

So we get to, like, just home of craft in these little places and then you start playing bigger rooms as you get better and you kind of get more exposure as you get better but with these guys

that have done something on TV or they've been a wrestler like Mick Foley he done stand up for me anyone that's got a YouTube sensation

like Alex Williamson who then goes on stage and all of these guys have already got a mass following so they just get a room full of people at their first ever gig but there might be shit and they've got to do an hour.

Yeah, yeah, it's like... How tough would that be? You start stand up and you've already got a room full of people with anticipation for what you're going to say. Oh yeah, I think you do need the years when you just fucking eat shit. Do you know your worst ever gig? Yeah... Should we do those, do you want to swap those war stories? I'll tell you mine and you tell fucking eat shit. Do you know your worst ever gig? Yeah. Should we do those,

do you want to swap those war stories? Well, I'll tell you mine and you tell me yours. I've got, but then I'll show you mine and you show me yours. I've got two worst gigs. One of the worst gigs

wasn't much of a story. I just got like six minutes in and nobody was listening. Everyone was just having their conversations and I bailed early. I'd give up my fee. I'd just fucking,

I was like, I'm not going to stand here for the next, I bottled it really. It fucking ducked me fee. I'd just fucking, I was like, I'm not going to stand here for the next, I bottled it really. It fucking ducked my fee. That was probably my worst gig. And the other ones? The other one was when I first started out,

I was doing quite nice gigs in the North East. It's funny because I did, even when I started, I had quite a lot of my mates coming in to watch my gigs anyway, but not a fucking room full of fans, like pals, you know? So I had a lot of friends come to watch me gigs so I had a lot of support

so all my first gigs my first like 20 just went great like I felt like I was the fucking bee's knees because nothing had went bad yet because I'd been in

the support structure went out to do a gig in Beverley which is near Hull and there was 20 people in the room but they were like in couples

and they were like older middle aged middle class couples just dotted around the room and all I had like in couples, and they were like older, middle-aged, middle-class couples, just dotted around the room, and all I had was me 10 minutes that I used to impress me friends. Oh, I saw a bunch of wank and stuff. Man, there was a bit where I have me joggers around me ankles, and I'm pretending I was shit.

Were you going on stage in joggers? I used to go on stage in joggers. Like, we get photos occasionally from people on tour when they give us like, oh, here's a picture of us five years ago. Like, I look like a a child just my hair's longer and I look and I look slightly pudgier so I've got baby fat

you were such a fucking chap like when I look at old photos of you like I grew up on the streets it's like Natalie's just in a really long

version of Extreme Makeover Home Edition like just a really like because I forget how fucking scummy you used to be She's so good for me

Like bleach blonde hair For my image Oh god Man even when she met me I honestly believe your eyes less wonky When she met me I was It was at Rockness She was in the audience with her pals

And I got introduced on stage And I was wearing blue wellies White surf shorts White patterned surf shorts And you were on a pill come down And I got introduced on stage and I was wearing blue wellies, white surf shorts, white patterned surf shorts. And you were on a pill come down. And she was in the audience going, I'd love to suck that dick. In a blue Geogoy t-shirt. I think I'd stopped bleaching my hair at that point.

But it was still in there. It would have been a deal breaker for her not to go over if I hadn't been bleached blonde hair, I think. But yeah, so when Billy Kirkwood went and introduced us on, he was like, welcome to the stage. The next act, he stopped himself and went, are you coming on dressed like that? And then she went, oh, Kai Humphries.

You went on stage, you did all your stuff about masturbation. And Natalie, the educated, beautiful businesswoman, saw that with a masters degree saw and comes from a good home beautiful big brown eyes aye

beautiful big brown boobs favourite of any podcast she's she's mixed race if you weren't aware of this she she looks

up at you and goes make my boobs and she goes these are his I'm wet my boobs are wet

they're crying she's just sat there with her licky boobs thinking I want a fucking piece of that shit I want a piece of that ass and then Natalie gets fucking rinsed

on this podcast but I know you're listening you do bring it on yourself by repeatedly fucking this like you know that paper thin argument of like

when it comes to like girls who are sexually solid it's like what was she wearing and you're like that's not a valid excuse for Natalie being like

why do I get rinsed so much look what you're fucking like what were you fucking when you were getting rinsed was it Kai and now you're you make it

then you learn it with me so go back to your awful gig I wanted to say as well she she texted

saying so I'm just chatting on whatsapp and then she just went so and then the next one was about the podcast

and I was like oh no am I in trouble like what have I done I'm going to be honest with you Natalie And then the next one was about the podcast. And I was like, oh, no. Am I in trouble? Like, what have I done? I'm going to be honest with you, Natalie. I expected this 18 episodes ago. We've only done 16. No, she was cool.

She was all right. She was like, she just went, I can't bring anything up, really, because you're just going to rinse us about it on the podcast if I do. See? So my worst ever gig when I was a chav before Natalie had done the makeover

I was done gigging me jogger bottoms joggers and a t-shirt usually and I had this bit where I'm talking about wiping a ghostie wiping a ghost shit

which means like yeah but I just I felt this story where there was only one bit of toilet roll left and I needed it there was nobody in the house

for us to shout can you bring a newspaper? I used to do that, you know. Wipe your arse with newspaper. If you run out of toilet roll, Mum, pass the news post, leader. Nah. Swing the door.

Sometimes I'd fucking see... Would you flush it? Aye. Down the... Paper. Aye. Mate, this is... How sad.

It was your child. Sometimes I'd be wiping your paper and you'd see, like, fucking one of your pals that's done a charity football match and you'd just be one of your mates for Blackfield Juniors. You would wipe your arse.

Just fucking tear my fucking mate's picture and wipe my arse with it. Just shitting on... No offence, I'm just out in a cessus, buddy. Shitting on newspaper like a fucking budgie. I would sometimes run out.

I was in a house with five people in. Just go in the shower, hose it off. Yeah. That's gross Aye But newspapers Getting paper People have a bath in that

Yeah People fucking bathe With that skin in it You're just washing Your shit out On the floor And fucking getting On the high horse

Because I use a newspaper Because you've got Well you don't wash Your bum hole in the shower Aye Once I've wiped it Oh Was it like a messy shit

It's just a shit innit just a regular one you know bog standard three wiper bog standard pun intended buy one get one free oh that's bog on no that's not good

no that's terrible can I can I just suck that joke back in I mean we still heard it it's still in my ears um worst gig

no let's get back to you wiping your arse with fucking... That's not a thing. It's sometimes a thing. What are you doing? It's not a thing. Oh, man, I took the leader.

Just took the news post leader through the door. What if there's no newspaper? Carpet. Just cut off corners of it. Do I not look like I'm from a family of fucking readers? We get the wild delivered.

The economist. New scientist. Got all the magazines. Whenever the postman delivers stuff, you're like, you're being sarcastic. Giving me these ancient runes to read. What's that supposed to mean?

When people send you Christmas cards, you just look at the photos and you open up like, oh, I'm mucking this up for you. I don't know what it says but I bet it says ha ha ha you can't read just misread it

worst gig so I would have done with the white newspaper I mean it's definitely not a thing

put a pin in it that's something I do. What, you put a pin in it? I think I'd still do it as well if I ran out of newspaper.

What, you put a pin in it? Kitchen roll, I don't know why I didn't ask for that. Why don't you just use your sleeve? Come on,

snot's on a chain of sleeves. You don't want to get boogers up your chair. You know, if you blew your nose and wiped your butt with it, that would be like a wet wipe. No, it wouldn't!

Not in any sense would that be. I just thought you could blow your nose while you're shitting for the, like, one. Blow your nose, have a poo. And all that day, you'll have good luck. Wait, we're going with a fucking it's not a fuelled wet wipe it's not it's not

why don't you use your sock why don't you use your sock I need it for wearing it it's got holes I've only got one I used the other one for my boogers just dabbing the end

of my dick after my pee my mum uses it as a tampon my dad uses it as a condom I try to call his muggins one sock Billy Two Rivers' muggins one sock so I'm sat on the stage in Beverly with my fucking

pants around my ankles trying to fucking set up this intense story about wiping a ghostie with a newspaper because now there's no one in to pass

the newspaper I'm not going to fucking just penguin around the house getting a newspaper am I what if someone comes in

they're like I've just got my fucking pants around my ankles I'm reading the paper it's like it's not what it looks like So I'm in Beverley

Show me angles Wipe my ghosty With a single slice Of toilet roll Slice Slice of toilet roll Mum pass the bread Pass

Pass the pizza wheel I need to get a slice of toilet paper so I got the toilet roll cut out and I got a single slice they're slices though aren't they they're not aye because you get the one on top of another it's a sheet

I'm pretending I had public toilet toilet roll in my house the other one on top of the other stacks that you put in so it was I got a slice off the top that was

you know the last one off the roll that tears a little bit at the end so like you're not going to use that to wipe it you put your finger

straight through it you've got to fold it so you've got like one shot you've got the one fold single slice shot and you've got to wipe a ghostie with it

and you're like you need this I had a that was me joke about that and it wasn't going well oh it fucking it went down amazing

and black where everyone wipes their arse with newspapers but when I'm in Beverly with a middle class middle-aged couple dotted around the room

not even sat as a crowd like this big room that would fit about 150 with fucking people just dotted around bar tables I've got my pants from my ankles

fucking wiping a ghosty with a bit of toilet roll that I put in my pocket as a prop just eating a dick mate nobody liked it not me not the promoter

not the audience they were just like what's this chap got his pants he could have just said we would have believed him didn't know this was theatre what's he doing having to shut these boxers up He could have just said We would have believed him Didn't know this was theatre What are you doing

Having to shut these boxes up Sorry We had to pause there Because the batteries In the podcast Almost ran out And we didn't want to lose That fucking gold

So I've just told My worst gig story I'll do mine That one I'm just going to add as well It was quite a drive home Like two and a half hours maybe three

I'm driving back in my head I'd quit comedy oh really yeah I had three gigs left in my diary one at the open mic night

at the Hyena where I did my first gig with Gav Webster I think the other two were at Long Live Comedy so I had them in I was like

I'll honour them bookings and then I'm done because I'd just travelled all that way fucking ate a dick fucking no money fucking drove all the way back and I was just like I'm not doing'll honour them bookings And then I'm done Because I'd just travelled All that way Fucking ate a dick Fucking no money Fucking drove all the way back And I was just like

I'm not doing this I've got to fucking Work in the morning Aye You know I'm going to fucking Spend my evenings Driving for a fucking

Six hour round trip For Anyway What a shame What could have been But em The next three gigs Give us the buzz back

Don't they By the bug Em My one was I was 17 I must have been 17 I'd just finished

high school wasn't going to go to university was taking the year out put with like little gigs couple gigs here and there in the diary and I got phoned

by the BBC oh no I think it was after because I had time with Marlena so I get phoned at like 11 in the morning

and I'm just in my pyjamas like every day my mum would wake me up and make me sit on the other side of the desk to her

and do jokes and she's like if this is going to be your job you've got to treat it like a fucking job and she works from home so she'd get me up every morning

so you shared an office with your mum yeah yeah for two years like she'd wake me up every fucking morning at nine give an office with your mum? Yeah, yeah, for two years. She'd wake me up every fucking morning at nine, give me a coffee, and then we'd sit across the desk from her. Like fucking Tommy's dad on Warrior. Aye.

When you came in the room, I heard shaking. Nine pills? Nine? On Eggies? On Eggies, buddy. Get over it, I'm fucking past my best. Do you want one? No.

So she's over there sorting out the UN UN And the environment And I'm just sad They're paying like Sluts Not googling it Writing jokes about them And Marlene gives her a call And she's like Do you want to do a TV warm up

For BBC Scotland And I was like Oh I don't know Where do I need to do She's like You need to be in Glasgow In an hour and a half And I'm like

An hour away from Glasgow And I'm moving with Jamie And I'm like Nah She's like It's 250 pounds And that's the most money I'd ever heard of I'm like an hour away from Glasgow and I'm moving with Jamie and I'm like no she's like it's £250 and that's the most money I'd ever heard of I was like

oh I can buy a house I can get a car treat the family to a fucking get a yacht be fucking balling gonna make them pay me in fucking single pennies

get some guck get a load of hookahs over like fucking dive into it like Scrooge McDuck and then I go there and they were like oh

it wasn't a comedy show it wasn't like fucking mock the week it was just some shitty fucking BBC Scotland afternoon quiz show that only old people watch

they're like yeah we need to warm up today because yesterday we had a bunch of technical problems and the crowd started just getting rowdy

and a little bit antsy so we just wanted something to come in between warming them up and I've never done TV warming before so you're like you're going to be

on and off when they cut production and they all like cut break there you've got to keep the audience padded yeah're like, you're going to be on and off when they cut production and they all like cut, break there, you've got to keep the audience padded. Yeah, come in. And you've got to be ready for them to just go, right, action,

and then you've got to get a shot off the stage. I've been in comedy for about a year at this point. Oh no, even less. I think I've got like 15 minutes on wanking. That's all my material.

That's all I've got. Have you even wrote the shaving joke yet? Yeah, yeah. But again, that's a, you know, filth joke in a way. So I get there and it's 100 audience members all over the age of 100 right the youngest man in that room was 55 years old right in the audience i'm like these got ready they're like yeah so i go on and i do

my 15 minutes of just blank jokes which they fucking hate and then i'm out of material and they're like keep going we're not ready and I'm just bombing and bombing and then I try and take the like talk about the set and stuff and take the mic out of the host and they're like

oh don't don't take the mic out of the host and then the contestants I started making a mic out of some of them and they were like don't take the mic out of the contestants

so I just stood there just started fucking eating shit I would start telling a story and they'd be like so you couldn't take the mic out of anyone they give you like boundaries and you can't swear? Can't swear.

I've used all my jokes and I've realised they're not going to like any of the other filth I've got. So I start telling stories and every time I start a story they're like, alright, ready to film?

And I'm like, I'm not done with the story. They're like, nah, it's rolling. And then they do like 50 minutes of filming and then I come back and be like,

right, so where was I? And they've all got Alzheimer's. Why would they remember? They don't have the fucking train of thought. So what stories were you talking about? Oh, like being on Robot Wars and not even stories with punchlines. Just anecdotes.

I, like once upon a time, there was a little fairy and a hundred trolls and all the trolls were being mean to the fairy. I don't know why I describe myself as a fairy. Where did that come from? Why am I bullying myself? All the trolls were being mean to the fairy. I don't know why I describe myself as a fairy. Why am I bullying myself? And all the trolls are being mean to the fairy. Curse me, fairy. But this is my dream.

It's going so bad at one point, a fucking pensioner in the front row is hating it so much that from her wheelchair, she leans over to pick up her walking stick to try and lean out and just hit me off the stage the old woman hit you on the stage you're 16 i truly just get beat me off on stage you were just doing stories about robot wars like it's not like you're being offensive you're not like

i've done all the wank stuff you're just there like just trying to have a good gig telling a story about robot wars to try and get everyone on stage and she's like fuck this forgot our walking stick which she needed to walk but limp there just so she could use it as a weapon she sacrificed one of her limbs to enhance one of her limbs

I've got nothing my mum's there my mum had to fucking drive me to the gigs my mum's watching her fucking baby boy bomb on fucking stage so I start going into the audience I'm just going to talk to people and I start talking to like this old woman to fucking drive me to the gigs. My mum's watching her fucking baby boy bomb on fucking stage. So I start going into the audience. I'm just going to talk to people. I start talking to like this old woman and I'm like, what do you do?

She's like, I'm retired. And I'm like, fucking obviously. What did you used to do? In the wall. I used to be a nurse. And then her friend who was like 80 leaned over and looked at me and went, did you ever consider a career change?

She said that? She said that she said that to a 16 year old to a 17 year old boy 17 year old she went did you ever consider a career change what a bunch of cunts

so that was the point I just put the mic down and I went to the person and I'm like I'm not doing it anymore they don't want me I don't want them like there's no point

with doing this just like give me fucking you know half the money whatever it is I've done it it was only like 10 minutes left

in the thing or maybe an hour but it'd been three hours so far I was like I just want to go fucking in the car cried while my mum

drove me home and then the BBC didn't pay me any of the money and that's why I didn't work with them for three years they didn't pay you

after that no because they were like you didn't fulfill your job and I did like three and a half out of the four required hours well you know what fuck them because they were like you didn't fulfill your job and I did like three and a half out of the four required hours

well you know what fuck them because they booked you that's their decision if you can't fulfill your job fuck you've booked the wrong guy you've booked someone

that's been going a year you're 17 years older you haven't done your research yeah but I think Marlena pitched me to them what oh no it wasn't no it wasn't

because I wasn't with Marlena no I wasn't it was Joe Heenan couldn't do it and suggested me that was it was it yeah yeah so it had nothing to do with itlena no I wasn't it was Joe Heenan couldn't do it and suggested me that was it was it yeah yeah

so it had nothing to do with it but they still booked it so it is on there but I've won because literally every single person in that audience is dead now

probably I'm so thrilled fucking old old sticky McGinnis five feet under man I don't get like mean old people I remember when I was a kid

like old people some old people being mean and I'm like I've never been mean to a kid I'd never try and shatter a kid's dreams like that or fucking just be shitty to children

I don't understand how that's a disposition you can have you know I've always had a hatred towards old people I mean some great ones like I love my grandparents I mean I'm not even a big fan of people. I mean, some great ones. Like, I love my grandparents and stuff.

I mean, I'm not even a big fan of kids, but I couldn't be mean to them. Right, should we have a joint and then go on to Muggle Corner? Yeah. Right, let's go on to Muggle Corner. For those first-time listeners, good choice of episode.

It's been a good one so far. I hope you understood it all. But also, Muggle Corner is a game we like to play we're every week me and Kai basically use this term Muggle and other people use it

to describe just simple folk yep just like low low processor running sim game people

like they just you know they go they like poetry yep they're like AI characters in they like poetry yep they're like AI characters in Grand Theft Auto

that are just wandering around with a set of algorithms that they respond to they just do certain things which we all agree are just a little

bit muggly now we're all obviously guilty of very muggly things a muggle does make a bad person I put myself in the

corner practically every week yeah but we just nominate things and if we both agree that the muggle

your punishment is you have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds for each thing you are guilty of so we're not saying you're a muggle but we just nominate things and if we both agree that the muggle, your punishment is you have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds for each thing you are guilty of. So we're not saying you're a muggle, but we're saying now and again you've been guilty of being a muggle and we're going to try and catch you up again this week. Do you want to go first? Sure.

People that get irate about the way other people use their garlic dip. Nope. If you get irate about the way someone use their garlic dip nope if you get irate about the way you use someone if someone uses

their garlic dip no if you go like this is I can tell you right now you're biting your sandwich and then drinking your tea oh you're gonna have

tea and sandwich in your mouth like that's gross if someone does that yeah none of my fucking business I'm not gonna get mad unless they're dipping

my sandwich in the tea yeah and you were using my garlic sauce no it's fucking there's garlic sauce for days there was not garlic sauce for days I think what like where's supposing there's a million garlic sauce nah there's fucking there's garlic sauce for days there was not garlic sauce for days

nah but you I think what like where's supposing there's a million garlic sauces if there's a million fine you would still be bothered

no because when you initially brought up the topic it was that you were bothered about that I put it on it wasn't that I was using your dip

it's that I was putting it on and then classically when I beat you you started being the victim no you started playing the victim like anybody that's

losing an argument does and like oh I'm being bullied you're using my dip I'm being my tip no it's not my day it's great it's communal dip it's for everyone there's enough for everyone there's not enough you're doing that thing that women do you like you're getting angry you're like i'm not angry but now you call me i like that you're getting angry and i know i know you're getting angry you're like I'm not angry but now you call me angry I like that you're getting angry and I know you're losing no it was

look if there was if there was enough tip to go around cover it bathe in it I don't give a fuck I mean you gave a fuck

a few weeks ago when you brought it up but now that I've beat you with logic no you've changed the goal post I've not changed the goal post that was always

we'll go back and bloody well listen to it it was all the problem that there was not enough I said if there was enough. It's fine. So this doesn't count you then.

Anybody that does get angry at the poor garlic dip on when there's loads of garlic dip to go around and it's going in his mouth

not yours. You're a fucking muggle if that's you. But I'm not. Apparently. I know. On a fucking

loophole. Nice. On a loophole. 15 seconds in the corner for that then no this one's from our good friend Rich Massara who

made the theme tune for this podcast the wonderful Rich Massara old dick massager we call him he's got a squeaky foot pump he said this is a great one and I'm definitely in the corner for this and I'll do it again

with a smile on my face, I love it you know when you leave the house for a bit and like but you forget something so you just go back into the door muggles go, that was quick yep, all of those things you know if you like stumble on a paving stone and someone goes

enjoy your trip, send me a postcard. Oh, I'm guilty. I love all those so much. It's like the bits of banter that are just there for the taking. Oh, yeah. They're just there. You grab it and slam it in. The catchphrase.

It's catchphrase comedy. I'm in the corner for about a year because of this one. You always try and ironically do the, when it's raining, it's good weather for ducks. I love it. It's good weather. For ducks. I ironically do when it's raining it's good weather for ducks I love it it's good weather for ducks you're funny funny looking yeah

there for the taking somebody woke up on the funny side of the bed today what was the other one oh how did you find the crowds

and just walked out and there they were I love it how did you find the crowds? I just walked out and there they were. Oh, love it! Sound bite banner. Sound bite banner. I totally agree though. You're a muggle but we endorse it. Yeah, yeah. It's mugglery that's

joyous. Anyone can do it. Anyone can join in. It's a basic program. Because whatever the reaction is yeah it's a basic program because whatever the reactions is is fine like for me like I do these types of jokes

to Jean all the time and you get two reactions and I love them both equally it's either the laugh right or or when they just

look at you with that just mad face like I'll fucking cut you Natalie's ready to kill me because she keeps saying I'm just gonna jump in the shot and I go you should probably step into it

you may fall over is she silly? she sometimes just goes right I'm going to step gently into the shower don't jump in it yeah yeah

catchphrase what was the term you used for that type of comedy soundbite soundbite comedy is low form it's really basic form

it's fucking go stand in the corner with us for 30 seconds it's only several zeros and ones on Rockstar Games but it's a bit of programming

that makes you a model I'll tell you what though with all of us standing in the corner it's going to be hot in that corner not just because of the amount of people there

but because corners are 90 degrees I don't know how to respond to that joke because it's not a laugh but it's not a not laugh that's how you do that right what's your next one

my next one is fucking Christians Christians are such muggles fucking singing singing hymns eating bits of bread body of Christ

body of Christ getting a getting a getting a baby's wet hair wait wait head wet baby's arm wet

don't do that I do I come from a I come from a Christian family And I know so many Good Christians And your uncle's not a muggle

He's not But the fact he's a Christian Is a muggle behaviour Yeah Are you gonna be Are you gonna include All religion in this That

Alright Yeah Nah Some of the other religions believe in that stuff yeah Christians really don't I reckon there's a God I don't want to be disproven but I've committed eat your bread

I've learned all the words to the songs it'd be a shame now I'm kind of committed to it yeah I don't know I want to get married in a church but they're so sweet they are well some of them sweet people that just want the niceness in the world

I do it's such a muggly way that it's hard to follow it I do have a very horrible thought and it's always in my head if I ever meet anyone who is in any realm of religious no matter what religion just part of my brain always just goes, oh, I'm smarter than you are.

And it's true. And I genuinely believe it. You can have a degree and a PhD from a fucking university. If you believe in God, I am smarter than you are. You've got a bit of your brain turned on. And I know that's horrible. And I know there's people that disagree. I understand that.

I'm not saying that. I'm not bringing this up to be like this is my opinion but I'm bringing up to point out that it is my opinion even though I know how wrong it is that's how you think

yeah that is genuinely how it is and it's such a shit way to think you know what I find really difficult is when they say you've got to respect

all religious beliefs like I respect your freedom to have a religious belief but I don't respect your beliefs and you're not going to like I'll not have an opposition to people's beliefs and you're not going to like I'll I'll not have an opposition

to people's beliefs but I'm not going to like go oh yeah good beliefs guys don't go bumping that's a good belief oh no wait what he's got a halo

oh cool yeah I don't respect that guy's beliefs nah if you hold your hands together he can hear you it's amazing chances are

I think your beliefs are hocus pocus like I honestly believe that a lot of these Religions You're allowed to I'm not going to stop you Having them

But I don't respect The belief I'm not an obstacle In any way I just like I smirk at it You know I don't believe it

And that's my belief You should respect that Or don't Yeah We don't respect yours Go If you believe If you are Christian

Go pray in the corner Because you are Christian, go pray in the corner because you are a muggle. Okay, this is one that kind of falls into the previous category, but I would say one that it's not funny. It's just shitty. You know, muggles point at your chest when you look down, flick your nose. Ah, yeah, smell the cheese knock out. Yeah, just, oh, do you want a heart's donut? nose? Ah yeah, smell the cheese knock you out. Yeah,

do you want a heartless donut? You know because to point at your chest and then flick your nose, it's got such nostalgic value now because it's such a schoolyard thing that if you do it to someone right, I've done it like me and Can at the last Puddle Shrunk gig

because I'm a muggle, but it just felt like I haven't done this in years and they're just like it's been about 20 years and I just flick these noses and I'm a muggle, but it just felt like, I haven't done this in years. And then just like, it's been about 20 years. I just flicked his nose and was like, yes, that was my childhood. I totally agree, but do you not feel the same about

kicking people and punching them in the balls? Like, I realised a while ago... Chinese burning someone. No, no, but... Chinese burners. Do you want me to give you a Chinese burn? Yeah, you're going to have to put the mic down for it. We'll share a mic. Chinese burners. I want me to give you a Chinese burn yeah you're gonna have to put the mic down we'll share a mic Chinese burners

I'm gonna I'm gonna bully you I'm gonna sleep stop stop what the fuck

was that why do we do that to each other why do we do that fucking next was that

was it bad I thought my arm was going to come off. Honestly, it felt like you were fucking ripping the flesh off me bones. I guess we didn't have that tight a grip. Was it bad? As long as you fucking do it when you're day giving Chinese burns, that's pre-wanking age. You've fucking been wanking for ten years and you're just Chinese burners.

We have fucking big wanking hands. Yeah, and your wrist is the thickness of my dick. Fucking hell. Do you wank like that? Squeeze out. You just wrung me fucking wrist out. Do you reckon we should old school? I've always thought, we were talking about this a while ago,

that there's a reviewer who I will not name, and to any comedians listening, it's not the one you think. It's not Bennett. There's another reviewer who I just hate, and we thought the best way to get revenge on him would be to just really old-school bully him. This is so immature. Like stand behind him?

Yeah. No, no, just push him down on the ground and then just not let him get back up. I thought you meant, you know, when you used to crouch behind someone, then you'd push them. Yeah, oh, yeah. Do that to him, but then don't let him get back up.

Yeah, yeah. And he doesn't know why you're doing it. Yeah, and he's just, and it's so childish. Oh, he does, because he knows you reviewed him. He's an adult. He's like, guys, this is pathetic. Like, guys, but you can't do anything. There's five of us.

Give him a wedge. Give him a wedge. Just like knock his pint glass out of his hand whenever he's drinking get his notebook and just throw it over his head

and play keep away I'd love to do it I never will would love to do it throw his shoes into the gardens gardens in the upper houses

play chabdo running in his house he has to climb the garden fence to get his shoes back he'd give you a bad review oh no he's not even giving me a bad review He has to claim the God Fence to get his shoes back. Did he give you a bad review?

Oh, no, he's not even given me a bad review. No, no, it's a review. I don't think he's reviewed me, but I see him reviewing friends, like shows I've seen in great shows, and just not getting them, and they'd be like, here's my opinion. No, I don't think he's ever reviewed me.

I just hate him as a... I hate him because he's a prick. But yeah, so to go back to the thing. Yeah, I think the difference between this and the stock comedy jokes is that it's just you making a shit comment. When you're doing stuff like flicking people's noses or tapping them on the opposite shoulder, that's when you're invading their personal space.

Joe who always does that old school joke where you hold your hand down in a circle. Oh yeah, the circle game. You make a circle below your hip and if someone looks at it you can dead their arm but if you get your finger through it you can dead their arm

yeah so is that included Joe Dickens in Just a Tonic yeah because they punch you then sort of thing it would be like

bringing back Punch Buggy Yellow Punch Buggy Yellow yeah so you think nostalgic games like that are buggerly because unlike the nostalgic jokes it's Invading Summer's yellow yeah so you think nostalgic games like that are ugly because unlike the nostalgic

jokes it's invading someone's personal space that's when it's like you could you don't do it to strangers no but you do

it to your friends like it's I just think there's always the worst thing your joke can do is make someone fucking groan

but with that sort of stuff you could be like a fan fucking did it to me pointed at my chest and

flipped me in the nose and I was like I'm gonna fight like that was just that was the yeah did Masara also say on Twitter

about tap someone's shoulder and then go the other side so you look the other way oh I do that one that would be a lovely response as well so if that is Mugly I'm gonna have to

stand in the corner yeah same because I love it when Joe plays the fucking circle game and I I gotta kick when he him doing that at DC. Oh, that's okay.

We didn't go into it. Do you not miss hitting people in the balls? Like, let's not do the Chinese point game again. It's not your turn. I mean, it's my turn. It's like, because it's been so long since I've done it. I think I hit you in the balls a while ago because you farted in the car

and that was the rule that we came up with. No, you didn't just hit us in the balls. You said noted. Yeah. I was like, what? And you're like, noted. I'm going to get you for it later. And I was like, fucking three days later

you fucking whacked me balls. Yeah. So that's fart. That's me farting in the car three days ago. Honestly, like, it's fucking... It's punishments for things are like a check. Yeah. You've got to wait for it to cash.

Except that's good when you get money. It's also been a while since we've been hitting the balls it was such a thing I used to do it all the time as a fucking teenager when I was a kid it was the funniest thing I think now

because it is a proper dick move no pun intended yeah I think like once you've like taken a big hit in the balls as an adult you're like oh no I'm not going to do that

to someone like yeah when you're a kid and you're whacking each other's balls it maybe doesn't hit as much as when you're fucking you're a kid and you're whacking each other's balls it maybe doesn't hurt as much as when you're a fucking big man that's right what's your final one my final one is uh anyone that vehemently chooses a side with technology and then hates on the other side like if you've got an xbox but then hate playstation

oh yeah like people that like a lot of people that buy pcs just hate macs and hate mac users and you're just like just let them use the thing. I'll play on PlayStation or whatever, but I'll not be like, oh, your mug's got Xbox and shit. PlayStation's better. I've got both. I used to be an Xbox person over at PlayStation, but it was literally people were like, I've got a PlayStation.

I'd be like, oh, man, I'd love to play Uncharted. We can't play Crossover. Yeah. I don't think there was ever like, I mean, I've always, I mean, GameCube was shit, but I'm just mugging them off. The Wii, I also had one of those. But yeah, I think the console wars.

The PC and Mac, like my dad hates Macs just because like he's a computer programmer. Yeah. Like he's a real computer programmer and he just goes, it's just, he's a... But that just means it's not computer programmer. He's a real computer programmer. But that just means it's not for him. Because for me, if I use a Mac, then I'm getting everything I need out of it.

I may not be able to fucking go into the code. His argument is people with Macs think Macs are... Your PC can do literally everything the Mac can do. It's just not right in front of you. That's the only difference. And his thing is if, if people were just learning USB-Cs, you would get it for half the price

and be able to do literally everything that the Mac can do on this. I have a Mac and he's like, it's a giant moron button. I'm like,

yeah, I'm a giant moron. I'll only use my computer for emails, Facebook, wanking, and joke writing, and Netflix occasionally.

That's it. I don't need it to run games. I don't need it to fucking be able to hack the Pentagon. I'm going to say hack the Pentagon so the FBI hear this and start listening to our podcast. Hack the Pentagon. Hack the Pentagon, say it again. We might have a thing where it gets us once

but then doesn't. Hashtag Down with Trump. Hack the Pentagon yeah just maybe that's a good way to get listeners maybe we should just like make death threats once

once a week that we obviously don't mean but then the police have to listen in see if we're going serious yeah and they'll they'll hit the vibrations in the fucking cone

and we'll be sent to them and then all via Mac and then they'll all start listening to the podcast and then they'll like the podcast and then they'll be like you know what

I like this podcast so much that if see if Cream if creams did kill that person i wouldn't even snitch it's just marketing now all right smart uh yeah if yeah if you pick a side like what like people like cats are better than dogs they're both pets yeah like and also just let other people men are better than women it's women it's a little I don't choose a side I mean I've got a man body but I don't but a girl's penis

I'm not going to get mad if I've got a girl's one I don't want to be excited so I just think sometimes you've just got to let other people have their fun you don't go I've got this thing

this thing's the good thing your thing's shit that's how wars start out yeah I've got the best religion you've got got to let other people have the fun. You don't go, I've got this thing, this thing's a good thing, your thing's shit. That's how wars start out. Yeah, I've got the best religion, you've got this one. Yep, totally agree. My final one is, muggles tweet celebrities. Unless it's like, sometimes questions is like,

I get people going like, what time's the show tonight? And even though you can't, or they're like, how long will the show be tonight? Because it's not on the website. That's fine. I'm also referring to myself as a celebrity. That's the level of narcissism I'm at today. I thought you were going to vote in general.

I didn't think you were going to vote yourself. No, no, I wasn't intentionally. But I mean, people are just like, Hey, Stephen Fry, I was watching QI the other day and you made me laugh. Like, meh. Hey. Hey, James Franco.

Can't wait to see your movie from Debbie and Cornwall. Muggles. It is good when, if fans tweet you, they probably consider you a celebrity, so when they tweet you, that's nice when they tweet you

and you interact with them and you like that, but it's the ones where they'll say, like, what time does the show start and things that could Google. But they're just trying to, because imagine everybody that was going to the show texting saying, what time does the show start? Yeah, yeah Google. Yeah. But they're just trying to, because like imagine everybody that was going to the show

texting saying, what time does the show start? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck, this is why I've got a production company running the two of us and I don't have to. When are you coming to Liverpool?

Check the website. It's all on the website. Yeah, I do, because they're the ones that are totally, like I love when I get tweeted, like either feedback after gigs and people before being like,

people are like, oh, I'm going to see, like, oh, I love the podcast tweets the podcast tweets are great we saw them those ones

because those are specific Muggle's like I should have specified further like it's the mundane tweets to celebrities yeah just trying to be

noticed without having any input yeah just it's like hey what are you up to Stephen Fry you want it to be a one sided relationship like you're getting something from them because you're getting the buzz to Stephen Fry you want it to be a one sided relationship

like you're getting something from them because you're getting the buzz off Stephen Fry tweeting you but they're getting nothing from you because you're not

bringing anything so if you're going to interact with a celebrity on Twitter I think bring something to their life something that they might find interesting

and then when they react you get your thing go towards our egos you've seen how well that works oh yeah totally so

we agree that's in the corner yes right let's go through but not not tweeting celebrities as a whole

not tweeting celebrities as a whole but like just with mundane things as opposed to you know compliments hint hint

hint hint listeners Daniel Sloss like we should just hint hint hint hint listeners hint Daniel Sloss we should just call this podcast fishing for compliments because that's just what I'm doing guys Daniel Sloss just threw me something nice love me

so you are I have to go stand in the corner and you are a muggle if someone leaves the house and they come back in and you go oh that was if when you leave if someone leaves the house and they come back in and you go oh that was quick when they're just coming back in to pick something up

and anything along those lines I'll be back in two seconds one two you know back in those are muggly things I have to stand in the corner for so long

because of that one god damn it but we agree continue do it please point at your chest and flick it any of the physical altercation ones

are also muggly because we're putting in the verbal one and tweet just mundane things to celebrities and you're two

have an Xbox have a PlayStation don't hate don't hate thy neighbour and Christian and Christians don't hate

thy neighbour and also people that get mad about it it's got to be voted by both people

but it's got to be voted by both people. But it's got to have the both cream and muggins vote. Mate, I don't vote for any of yours. Get out the corner. I hope you didn't drop the gun. Stop being a fucking martyr. Right, so, okay. The garlic dip thing.

Oh, we did agree that... It's not in. If there's plenty of dip to go around you can do it yes which is not what you are guilty of so if you got out by a loophole then you got out

by a loophole mate we're gonna have a fucking kiss after this I'll teach you get your lips wet right let's do

one more joke because we're doing the two quick ones of nephivisms between your dads and I reckon if we're high they'll be way funnier I mean for us, for the listeners

I was high when I wrote them so I wonder what they are speak to you in a second onto our next game and my favourite game, euphemisms where me and Kai come up with new euphemisms for topics, so today's ones with new euphemisms for topics.

So today's ones are new euphemisms for one-night stands and new euphemisms for orgies. I'll go first. Should we do one-night stands first? Yep. My new euphemism for one-night stand, going to Sainsbury's and only eating the free sambals at the deli counter. I've got fill in the lost property box. Leaving during the adverts.

Stranger danger. Wrecking the rental. This is my last one, I'm good. No, it's meant to be five. Have you only done three? Three? I've got five Oh is it five It's fine

I'll just do more Fuck Just make them up Lazy bones An itchy rash decision Good Ignoring the warning signs And

Being a proud member Of the slut library Yeah The regret society Okay Newphemisms for Orgies Okay I've got Four for this one then Being a proud member of the slut library. Yeah, the regret society. Okay, and euphemisms for orgies. Okay, I've got four for this one then. Okay, I'll still go first because that way we'll sandwich them. The old Blythe family reunion.

So I've done like two in one. I've got a nature's jigsaw, but then I changed my mind and wrote nature's titris. Good. Meeting the in-laws in Blythe. Orgy. A sticky limb tangle. And if it isn't for orgy, a Blythe christening. Crushing it. Ho sushi. crushing it

whore sushi whore sushi whore sushi AA in Blythe Christ fucking Blythe loves an orgy I've done them okay

and my final one is making turning someone into a peachy dish in Blythe I've done them okay and my final one is making turning someone into a petri dish in life in life it's cruel about that isn't it

and our final game always the favourites oh how's your Chinese burn by the way oh fucking yeah did I show you

the red skin no like I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got

I've got I've got I've got sunburn it looks like I've got sunburn do you reckon if I've got a fucking sunburn. It looks like I've got sunburn on my arm. Do you reckon

if I did that a little last night I could give you a tan? It's like I've had my fucking right arm out the side of the

window of the van on a sunny day in traffic. So I'm just saying with the Chinese burn, that fucking genuinely hurt

so bad. Is it racist to call it a Chinese burn? Why is it? Is that something like when we're old and we say Chinese burn? It fucking genuinely hurt so bad is it racist to call it a Chinese burn why is it is it like one of the is that something like when we're old and we say Chinese burn

it's because you whisper to someone turn turn his palm and then they go fairness charm or something and then the last person

gets to burn his arm and then they burn their arm because of Chinese whispers I got the reference I just wasn't laughing you want to suck that one back in too

no no I love it that is why as well that's why you weren't laughing it's a fact that's not why it is it's not

we're not playing true lies we're playing your dad jokes so em I was thinking can a Chinese burn be used in UFC you know if someone's got

someone's arm for the arm bar right but like they can't get the angle fuck they put the arm bar on and then they just can't fuck it Chinese people

because I reckon like Titty Twisters huh? Titty Twisters oh no can't do them you can't Titty Twist

and fucking UFC like nah that's just that's all kinds of wrong is that a rule though? I mean it changes the sport completely makes it sexy

I think we should have a separate sport just titty twisted that's a low high do you normally get your titties twisted nah no

what if I come off I always used to think that if I got titty twisted that's another one like fucking yeah for the shady muggle corner things

titty twister you know if they get it dead on if they get you right on the nipple, watch the stop, it's just a boop. You think it's like a safe. If you just twist it at the right angle,

it'll come off. It doesn't even come off on the hand. It comes off on your T-shirt. You've got to kind of fish it out. Piss and blood out your peck. Fucking rooting around for your nipple. Oh, that's so good to know That you don't like

I'm gonna use that on you I'm gonna fucking wear Bulletproof vest On tour next year You're gonna get the fucking George Clooney Batman suit So I can see the nipples But I can't get to them

Aye Aye they put nipples on his Batman suit Aye they did Fucking ridiculous crack I even put a cock on it If you want him to look naked just put a

bullet knot on the back I just mould a fucking cock hanging right down to his knee mould it on

the leg of his Batman suit while you're on why don't you give it a butthole

just give it a fucking little balloon knot that's where his butthole's gonna be fucking weird cunt it's a fetish is he giving a fucking little balloon knot is everyone that's where his butthole is going to be fucking weird cunt it's fetish

they've drawn the six pack on it's insecurity isn't it he's so vain he wants people to know that he works he'd love to do a topless but he's more susceptible

to knives fucking nice knee nipple twister Cheney Chinese bear in UFC though you could rip their skin like a big fucking hench wrestler

fucking ready to manage a 250 pound guy fucking Chinese bear oh your skin's gonna rip can you rip people's skin off

in UFC that's all I need to know oh right eh oh right your dad jokes yes

you ready I am ready Your dad yawn rapes himself That's another one Putting your finger in someone's I always So you go Just with a yawn

You put your finger in Love that Yawn rape Nice So I do that in Natalie Right I yawn rape her But she doesn't like

She doesn't flinch at it She'll just like Suck out of your finger and go, it's not rape, it's consent. You just had your own sex. Fucking weirdo. Freak. That's what we do.

I go hard. Your dad... How you doing? Yeah, you did. Your own rape. Your dad parks in disabled base, but he gets out of the car with his tongue under his bottom lip making noises

it's so insensitive he's back in our town he's a monster he's just a dick it's like it's worse than the Little Britain Andy character Your dad's Build-A-Bear

Stuffing is hanging out his arse And if you squeeze his belly It says please stop And is wringing it out Like a wet sponge Build-A-Bear Build-A-Bear You know the Build-A-Bear

It's got stuffing coming out of its ass Aye because he's fucking wrecked it It's jacking What? It's jacking off his Build-A-Bear No it's fucking it Oh he's Build-A-Bear aye Build-A-Bear he's got stuffing coming out of his ass aye because he's fucking wrecked it he's jacking what he's jacking off his Build-A-Bear no he's fucking it oh he's fucking it

aye oh he's jacking off with it aye well he thinks he thinks he's making love to it does he press the button

that makes the speech noise on the Build-A-Bear yeah but it's weird because it's his voice aye go on Kev knock me stuffing out Kev he just keeps bashing the button with his dick go on Kev knock me stuffing out Kev

he just keeps bashing the button with his dick go on Kev bash me stuffing out Kev in his voice does it in the shop just gets him back out the park he gets it

he gets it he buys it he goes in and does it and then he gets it for free right next one He gets it He buys it He goes in Does it And then he gets it For free Right Next one Your dad was the coach At Chelsea

That touched Gary Johnson Your dad Throat fucks Pez dispensers Pez Pez dispensers You know Pez

Yeah You don't know Pez Pro Evolution Soccer No Not Not Pez Pez You know It's Pez dispensers. You know Pez? Yeah. You don't know Pez? Provolute sugar? No, not Pez. Oh. Pez. You know, it's Pez.

It's like the American Sweetie and then you get these little toys and they're little sticks with heads on them and if you flick their head back, the Pez comes out their neck. Pez? Pez. What is it though?

Fruit? Sweets. Oh, I'll Google it for you. I don't... Pez dispenser. You've never seen... This is great for a podcast show. I know. Well, they all know what a you Pez dispenser This is great for a podcast Well they all know What a fucking pez dispenser is You've never seen these things?

Yeah yeah He fucks them in the throat He fucks them Whips Wolverine's head back Didn't know about that There you go Your dad has the only copy Of Kate and Jerry McCann's book

That's signed by Madeleine Your dad wore edible underwear at CrossFit And ate it with a knife and fork I can't read me own writing Your dad pisses on his grandad's grave Your dad smokes coke, snorts weed and drops glue bombs. Bombs glue. Puts them in a Rizla.

Twizzles it up down the hatch. Fucking weirdo. Your dad roughs it up to go and collect groceries from food banks and then donates it back and posts a photo for his Facebook likes. Legend. Your dad started an online petition to get your mum to use Vagisil.

I signed it. Mean gaff. Your dad slips streams past traffic behind an ambulance Your dad thinks your mum's a witch because she never drowns in the bath and he always does Can't understand it

Your dad's got a belly button flat on his onesie Just so he can play with it while he's one team. Just so he can play with it while he's watching Impractical Jokers. Just dipping his finger in it. So he can put bogeys in it? Your dad opens beer bottles

with his crusty foreskin. That's some calluses. Warts. Very old warts. Thick skin. Your dad made a broth with your placenta. Your dad wants to run for UKIP in Blythe, but can't because he's scared someone will find the dick pics he sent On muslimandsingle.com Your dad scrapes

The cream filling Of Oreos And bins it And then eats the biscuits Your dad describes himself As a mourning person Because he's still Devastated about

Diana's crash Your dad wants Dex for Christmas in person because he's still devastated about Diana's crash. Your dad wants dicks for Christmas. He wants a set of dicks. Wait, do you mean like garden dicks? No, I mean like fucking DJ dicks. Dicks of cards. He wants a set of New Year's Eve. Bring in the New Year.

No, we just practice. New Year's Eve bring in the New Year the whole week's practice fucking mixing mixing LL Cool J with DJ Quicksilver DJ Mart boy DJ Marty

that's it DJ Marty oh I've got one last one Marty Pants DJ DJ Marty that's it DJ Marty Oh I've got one last one Marty Pants DJ DJ Marty Pants DJ Marty's have the answer

Whenever Whenever you blow out Your birthday candles Your dad says Wishy wishy Here's your kissy Kisses my crush Kisses you on the belly

through your onesie flap I'm like oh man me bogey fucking magpie fucking flapping over me onesie slipping me bogey it's my bifies It's my birthday It's my birthday Not yours

Fuck's sake man Kev I got you a teddy I got you I got you a fucking teddy For your birthday You slipped out of my boogies With me belly button

I was keeping them For Christmas I would have had Fucking millions It's like When you've got Like the weed grinder And you collect

All the crystals You just sucked Them all in Boogie catcher Like a villain In a Disney movie Margaret Thatcher Boogie snatcher Thatcher. Bogey snatcher.

Thatcher, Thatcher, bogey snatcher. Oh, God. God, we're funny. Anyway. We've got to go to work. You're finished. I'm done.

You're done until Altitude Festival. We've done the tour. We have finished both the UK tour and the European tour. I'm doing London for the next week, so theatre, a lot of that's sold

out, so do come to that. But to everyone who came to all of our shows, just a genuine fucking thank you. That was genuinely my favourite tour we've had. It was so easy. Everybody that would come across, every audience, every venue, every production team, every fucking, everything.

It was nice. Thank you everyone. Robbed up against fucking, everything. It was nice. Thank you everyone. Yeah, and it was the start of this podcast that we're currently doing. Yeah, it was the birth of this. Maybe this is what

people kept saying. Yeah, yeah. Maybe the podcast listeners are the ones we need to thank for the tour. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, thank you too, because it has gotten way better than we expected. Anyway, let's not end this on a nice note, that's not how we do things.

Yeah, thank you for coming. I'm at Soho next week. Do come along to that. Then we're off to Altitude. If you're missing that, you're a fucking idiot. We are so happy that Altitude have put up the lineups in the times and the venues and everything, like the big poster,

and put Muggins and Cream on it. Yeah, I think that means... We're listed at Altitude Festival, Muggins and Cream. I think that means we have to do a live podcast, and so it'll be, I think think a live podcast with three audience members and four guests It'll be Natalie, Mary and Soraya Yeah, that'll be them and my mum and my brother's mum

maybe seven, have a bucket speech at the end Come on, just say a few words And we're out And we're done I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob

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I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob

I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob

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I'm sorry Bob I'm sorry Bob