Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.2 Newphemisms

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Muggins and Cream back in your area, kicking up dust. The limber tongued duo strike again, a little bit later and drunker than episode #1. Sit back, relax and Love Laugh Live. 

That's recording Alright are we back in the room Yep muggins and cream Why would you start a podcast By farting into the microphone Also the one you have to speak out of Oh man I've never seen someone

You just farted in the mic You're gonna be spanked In the room How is that your sound check Oh man I've been drinking protein shakes and raw eggs and raw eggs I'm fucking kippers last night

you fucking is this how muggins rolled I've been kippers muggins and cream back up in your area alright muggins are good you're listening to

Darius Lawson Kai Humphries on the road kicking up dust muggins and cream giving a motherfuck live on the banner waves

podcast channel basically we've decided that because this is just as being as a podcast that we can do it in

any way shape or form you know no matter how drunk sober high we are yeah we're wrong

we're very wrong that we think we can do this but nah nah nah not bullshit no i think we're here like to also i find whenever i talk about drugs on stage i do feel like half the audience occasionally at least just sort of leave and that's because we don't have like a pop culture over here as they do in the states. So there's not as many open people out in the UK. You had Howard Marks who's now dead. You've got who else?

Like all the musicians and stuff but they're just sort of like days when it comes. There's no casual drug takers. Who's our stoners? Who's our Cheech and Chong? Yeah.

Where's the like Dylan Moran alcoholic just in black books? Drug addicts wise? None. So we need a bit more airplay

for the marriage just feel like proving that it doesn't ruin your life it just makes your chat fucking incredible as we're about to prove over the next

55 minutes so yeah I reckon in the future we might do a couple of episodes drunk we might do a couple of episodes high and then maybe

if there are people out there who have never done other drugs before we might do some on those suggested drug we'll do it on those. Suggest a drug. Suggest a drug.

We'll do it on the drug. And not in any sort of glorifying way, but just to leave you able to make a decision. You can decide if the podcast is better or worse. You can go, oh, Kai and Danny seem pretty solid on pills. When they're on pills, they just hug. You can't really hear hugging. I mean, we can just hear kissing in the back row. It's like the mic's

at the deck of them there's just this slopping noise it's weird that they're both going for each other's necks solely loads of neck kissing do you still neck kiss?

neck kiss? do you neck kiss myself? no if you could I'd be fucking impressed I mean Marilyn Manson got one of his

fucking vertebrae moves so he can kiss his neck yeah he got his jaw removed so he could kiss his neck. I know a few of them. What's that porn star called again? Jeremy Adams? Jeremy Adams. Fucking I already did.

I had Jeremy Adams. Jeremy Adams removed his jaw so he could kiss his neck. Millions of people. Well, Jeremy, he did it. He did it as well. Jeremy Adams got his jaw removed to kiss his own neck. Man, if we get bombed... My voice just broke.

That's a fucking exciting episode so far. If we get bombed, I'll go through puberty. That's already proven that marriage is what it is. Pretty conducive to a good party. Anyway, we are back to Sloss and Humphries on the Road. This is only four hours after we recorded our first one. Hopefully that's gone down

well. That's justifying the production of this one. Also, in the room if you hear background laughter, that is not canned laughter. We're not vain. We have our... A minor celebrity in the house. A minor celebrity in the house. Gene Young.

Oh, no. Yeah, sorry. Not the dinosaur that we own. Gene Young is in the room. Who's neither young or a genie. Yeah. And does not have a microphone, so he's part of a very one-sided interview. How are you, Gene? Oh, I'm fine. Hello.

I'm having a great old time listening to my god flicking my bean to this shit oh pod bean flicking my pod bean so yeah you may think she's called Jean

that we're chatting to a 70 year old woman but no she's 25 25 25 and good to go yep

ready for the pickings so I did want to so just for your black hair and laughter it's Jean we won't talk to her 25 25 and good to go yep ready for the pickings right so I did want to so just for your black hair and laughter it's it's Jim

we won't talk to her too much because she doesn't have a microphone so if you don't hear laughter what I do have though very interestingly is obviously the the advantage of being on the

on a podcast as opposed to television and radio is that we can say what we want like we were just talking about drugs yeah I can say a cunt yeah

well so Wilson I have genuinely in my hands the attitudes we can say what we want. Like we were just talking about drugs there. Yeah, I can say cunt. Yeah, well. Is that what I was saying? I have genuinely in my hands the Attitudes to Potentially Offensive Language and Gestures on TV and Radio Quick Reference Guide, which is 15 pages of all the words that if you say on the air or TV or gestures, it gives you the acceptability of them.

I'm not kidding you, this is the official one. The acceptability. The acceptability, right. If I were to say beaver, the acceptability, strong language, generally unacceptable pre-watershed, seen as vulgar and distasteful,

especially by women. Beaver. Name a word. No, no, especially by women. Beaver. Beaver. Name a word. I thought it was a nature documentary. No, no, no, no. So we've also got gash, one of our favourite words. Do you know when I was an aeroplane cleaner? What?

I used to clean aeroplanes. Do you know this? No. Before I went to the leisure centre. Before you had that high-profile job of being a lifeguard. Oh, yes. You had a lower-down job. being a lifeguard. Oh, yeah. You had a lower down job. I taught some swimming.

Oh, I climbed the ladder. Like from rock bottom. Yes, from fucking under the earth. Did you come from Australia? I'm surprised you don't have an accent. Yes, I used to

clean the airplanes. They would come in and you've got like a turnaround you would call it where you go in and take the lid out and put the seatbelts right

and dust the chairs off the crumbs off the chair and then give it a hoover and it's just a quick turnaround you got 50 minutes on and off but we had these bags that would put the rubbish in and they were called gash bags and you call the litter gash so it's like oh we've got the gash bags put the gash bags in the bin i just call them gash whenever you come back from where you belong you stink of gash goddamn right yeah been spilt on us i've also got ginger Ginger is one of the words on this list Ginger, mild

Oh no wait sorry, mild language Generally of little concern Typically viewed as humorous insult However more aggression or specific intent To hurt heightens impact You fucking ginger You soon to be dead ginger motherfucker It's wrong but if you say

put a little bit of ginger in your tagine then then it would probably be acceptable uh i've also got bukkake strong why why could you not use that one i'll tell you why Strong language, generally unacceptable Unless she's consenting In which case, fire away, lads Generally unacceptable Pre-Rotter Shed As if one time it's been snuck in In Spongebob Squarepants Generally

We'll make the occasional exception To Bukkake Give us the context and we'll put it on Teletubbies I'm gonna Bukkake. Give us the context and we'll put it on Teletubbies. I'm going to Bukkake the shit of that tubby toast. It might have been a journey on the Great Bake Off. What's it called? The Bake Off? The Great British Bake Off.

The Great British Bake Off. What do you do there, sir? A bake cake, aye? No. A bake cake, aye? No. A bake cake, aye? I'll get him off the telly for saying that. No, I'll get you off this podcast for saying that.

Fucking made. Swing and a miss. Don't need gold line technology to see that that did not go in the back of the net there. Fucking smashed it. Man, there's people rolling around the aisle of the bus right now. Listen to this podcast. Just rolling around. Hold on.

Holding their ribs. I've got... Here's some things I don't understand okay so here are offensive gestures blowjob I get this

strong gesture generally unacceptable pre-watershed what if you're yawning then why are you doing this movement yeah yawning's fine but why is that

yeah because when you yawn you bring your fist to your mouth to go oh you know like Yeah, yawning's fine But why is that? Yeah, because when you yawn You bring your fist to your mouth To go You know, like You just need Your top knuckle hits your teeth Like a little half stretch You're about to stretch

But you're like Stretching your fucking gullet Yeah, but if you're like cold And you're shivering at the same time You have a yawn You're shivering I'm bored of being cold Can't get kicked off the telly for that

just trying to be on good morning with Eamon Holmes chatting to Eamon here's one I don't understand please tell me if you know this gesture do you know the Iberian slap? the Iberian slap? I've never heard it

barely a medium gesture potentially unacceptable pre-watershed less problematic in a humorous context it's like raising a backhand oh it might be

I don't even know what Iberian means Iberian sounds like a good place alright please do Gene's gonna Google it alright

Geneopedia oh and here's oh and this is mainly why I brought this up uh discriminatory language towards older people. Now, obviously, there's two which are great,

and there's only three, and they are Coffin Dodger, already hilarious. Yeah. Second one is Old Bag, wonderful, and then FOP. FOP. FOP. F-O-P.

I will give you five pounds, five British pounds, pre-Brexit value. Five euros. Five euros. I will give you 5 pounds 5 British pounds pre-Brexit value if you can 5 euros 5 euros if you can guess what

FOP stands for Frigid Old Prick no but it's so good genuinely this is what BBC are concerned about fucking

old person cough and dodger Old back And fop Fucking old person I've never used fop before But fop is See when I'm going to be on a fucking

Whenever I'm walking down a fucking Some fop Some fop Just Some coffin dodging fop. Just... Some coffin-dodging fop. Iberian is somewhere in something originating in Iberian... the Iberian Peninsula.

Namely, from Portugal and Spain. Oh, so can you Google... The Portuguese slap. What's the Portuguese slap? Iberian slap. When he's saying Iberian, it's like the Portuguese slap. Can you Google Iberian slap

so we can find out what that is, please, June? No! Oh, so Kai, pick any swear word and I'll save it on this list and I'llian slap. Can you Google Iberian slap so we can find out what that is, please, June? No. Oh, it's okay. Pick any swear word and I'll save it on this list and I'll tell you. Right. Any swear word. Pansy. That's not what I said.

No, no, but I'm just saying muff divers are on there. Shirtlifter. Yeah, like fudge pucker. I've never heard of shirtlifter. Strongest language Highly unacceptable Without strong contextualisation Not always recognised

As exhibit A proof Did not Seen as derogatory To gay men And highly offensive Oh there you go Didn't know Yeah

Stop calling people that now It's gonna be hard To describe the podcast With this Oh It's like the thing You say Grab your bicep Fist to the air Fist to the air So you're like You do, let me see. Grab your bicep,

fist to the air. Fist to the air. So you're like, you do a fist pump, but you grab your bicep with the palm of your other hand. Yeah. And that's Iberian.

So why would you be doing that on TV? Get out of here, capiche? I'll show you, motherfucker. Hey, hey Tony, hey Tony.

I've got, So name a word Clit I will tell you exactly what clit Is Can you find it Daniel are you struggling to find it I am in fact I don't think clit's here I think clit's a myth

I've got cunt. I've got clunge. Clunge? Aye, clunge. Here's the clunge. Strong language, generally unacceptable pre-watershed,

not always recognised, seen as vulgar, distasteful, especially by women. Like, I genuinely have not gone through all this list. Especially by women?

Especially. Oh, Jesus. You guys are just... Oh, I thought it meant especially if a woman says it. No, no. I think it's offensive if this is meant especially if a woman says it. No, no. I think it's offensive if this is said especially by women. No, what they're saying is,

bitches be complaining. Ah. That's offensive. Sorry, it must be that time of the old month. I've got... Have you ever heard Chi-Chi Man? Uh, no. I've never heard this one.

So this is in sexual orientation and gender identity. Oh, you can't say orientation either. Apparently. No, this is sexual orientation and gender identity. Chi-Chi man, strong at times, highly unacceptable without strong contextualisation, low recognition, no idea. Seen as derogatory to gay men

and highly offensive by those who film with her, especially amongst black people. So it must be... I've genuinely never heard Chi Chi Man I'm sorry I mean they've thrown in some generalisations at the end of each description these guys don't like it the Hispanic fucking hate that shit

some of these are honkies on this list this is amazing not only this let's go, and again I'm just going to use this first word for context. So this is the acceptability of

the word Negro, right? Strong language, generally unacceptable, problematic outside of proper historical context, I'll give them that one, seen as derogatory to black people. Right, so negro,

which we all agree, awful fucking word. Then let's go to honky. Apart from cracker, the only of two racial words white people suffer. Strong language. Generally unacceptable.

Seen as derogatory to white people. Same value. people same value the same value they are equating honky to negro oh who is this website

shame the devil this website is it's not even a website this is the this is the this is your notes on your phone

I've just been keeping this is Ofcom this is Ofcom Ofcom I'm not fucking kidding you this is Ofcom. This is Ofcom. Ofcom. I'm not fucking kidding you. This is Ofcom. Ofcom.

It's seen offensive. Usually they're kind of... Here's an erotic thing. Complain to Ofcom about Ofcom. Bet they've never had that before. They see honky as derogatory as the word negro. You know those histories when white went through a bad time? You know, 2015 to March 2015.

You remember those couple of tough months we had? Yeah, Brexit. It was a hard time to be a white man. Oh, we said Glastonbury was raining. And the Brexit was really wet. We were really at Glastonbury. I remember June 2016, tough time to be a white man because we all voted Brexit and then everyone knew it was us. Being judged down the street by the people we voted out.

Shall we go into dead air? I feel like 15 minutes. Yeah. So judging on the words, let's go with euphemisms. Okay. Euphemisms. As with the last episode, we will do three

games whenever we feel like we get to dead air. But we've been mixing them up, we'll come up with new games. So last week we did Your Dad Jokes, we did Muggle Corner, and we did Tripe Chat. So instead of Tripe Chat this week, we are adding in a new game, called Euphemisms.

And basically we are coming up a new game to see how this goes down called newphemisms and basically um we are coming up with new euphemisms uh for things so this week's two topics are fingering so new euphemisms for fingering and uh hand jobs so new euphemism for hand jobs because we want to keep it sexually and generally as neutral as possible uh because we're pussies and if any of you are offended by the word pussies please, no I justify the word pussy in my show on tour, so anyone offended by that word can suck a fucking clitoris

if it exists which one to do first, what comes first shall we do handjob euphemisms first handjob euphemisms right you want to go first Shall we do handjob euphemisms first? Handjob euphemisms. Right. You want to go first?

Shooting dice. Oh, because the hand gesture. Yeah, good. Getting the last out of the toothpaste tube. You're doing it wrong. Nah, that's like the sixth time you've fucked. Rubbing your thumb on the base of it. Getting out for your kid.

Rolling it. Stamping on it. Getting your son to hold his toothbrush out underneath it. Making it change the smell of your breath. Slapping the side of the ketchup bottle to get some on your baps. On a similar vein, getting the last out of the ketchup bottle to get some on your baps. On a similar vein, getting the last out of the... Good.

Getting the last out of the mayo jar with a spoon. You were doing it wrong. The front naked choke. Okay. Checking the contents of a really small present Just shaking it to see what it says I think it's a Toblerone Why is it shaped like this?

Shaking the bacon Being indecisive with a dart throw Playing track and field with a joystick and finally checking the ripeness just have the throttle of the scrote that's not wanking

it's all dick play yeah I mean right now I'll start with that euphemisms for fingering It's not winking. Oh, well, it's all dick play. Yeah, I mean... Right. Now, I'll start with that. Euphemisms for fingering. Checking for a pulse. Lovely.

Reaching for the panic button. Going under the table. Scratching an inside itch. Oh, nice. That'll be belly buttons itching from the inside. Trying to get free sweets out the vending machine. Doing Australian Morse code. Upside down.

Hitting the ticker putting chewing gum under the snooker table the one finger punching bag checking for the spare keys giving the foetus the bird

looking to see if there's a VHS in the video recorder. Alright, that's enough for our first new game. New game, Newphemisms. Newphemisms. If you have any... Fuck Newphemisms. Bring back Trape Chat. Let us know.

But also, if you want us to come up with very funny new euphemisms for things that you need in daily life, just tweet us on whatever the fuck yeah and suggest what it's about like this time it was about hand jobs

and don't make it too fucking specific though some kinds of people like oh just make it about the time I fucking chugged my grass

I've lost it I lost it halfway through that I mean if you want to throw in that as a suggestion we'll probably roll with it so yeah let's

I mean the game didn't take as long as I expected so we need to fill it with actual chat sing a song or something

sing a little song are you excited about tour let's sing that song that we're singing the car on tour we're on tour let's do it

let's start it yeah we're on the road muggins and cream living the dream cream and muggins we're on the road Muggins and cream Living the dream Cream and muggins We're straight thuggin' I mean, that wasn't the song we sang But we should from now on

It's a tour song Windows are down We're a traffic light in the middle of a main street Like muggins and cream Living the dream Do you reckon we'll wreck the tour car this year

we've never had a tour car where we haven't had to pay a fine afterwards a big deposit aye first one was one of us can't remember who

probably smooshed chocolate into the carpet the floor yep like proper smooshed like it looked like a homeless man's asshole

classic cream classic well cream would have gone on chocolate and cream you know how that goes together yum yum smushed. It looked like a homeless man's asshole. Classic cream. Classic. Well, cream would have gone on. Oh, chocolate and cream, you know how that goes together. Yum, yum. Yeah, so we destroyed the carpet at that one. Yeah. And then the other one, we were staying at Joel Domet's parents' house and I

drove it off the side of a ledge. Yeah, there was like a wall and one wheel went up the wall and the other wheel was on the road And the other one was on the wall And the wall was getting higher and higher And then all of a sudden it dropped off the wall And then cream strikes again

It properly dented the underside of the car To the point where any time you opened the driver's door You just heard this crunch You just each time More and more scraping paint off it was excruciating but both times we did manage to get money off of it somehow

yep I mean I feel like I'm holding this conversation but thanks for you know what sometimes this is part of our relationship sometimes I carry the conversation and sometimes you know I was just thinking about stuff that happened earlier.

I'm just there, just daydreaming in my happy place. What's, what's been your, let's, I'll interview you. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi, Daniel. Hi, welcome to the show. Thank you for introducing me. Thanks for coming on, buddy. It's a pleasure to have you. My pleasure, my pleasure.

Long time listener, first time caller. You're the host. It's weird that you said that. Notime listener, first-time caller. You're the host. It's weird that you said that. No, I was just doing the joke. You should have done. And the audience are confused. The audience, the crowd goes mild.

What's your favorite part about going on tour? For me, it's just sitting next to you on the floor. Just when you fall asleep, I just rub rub your leg and I just watch you sleep and I just get the hair out of your eyes you know I just wet your lips I just dip my finger in the little water I like to bring, you know the little cup of water I like to bring on a flight

you peel the film off and you're like oh thanks for the drop of water mom I just dip my fingers in just wet your lips while you sleep who wants to drive blowjob you sleep like a baby that's going to grow up without problems

you're sleeping like a baby that's going to grow up with some real psychological damage what would you say because we've been on seven tours together two in Europe

fucking five all together in the UK probably, six even. What would you say is your worst, worst, proper worst memory from tour? Worst memory from tour? I've got such like, you know, when you just have the, because there was times where it was tough and we're like in airports and missed flights and fucking loads of shit. But when you look back after like a bit of time there's only the good stuff

you can remember yeah you do only really remember the fucking highlights I do oh man the day we were in Amsterdam and you actually called it you were like

fuck I've got a we've got a train to Paris from Amsterdam at a certain time look I'm gonna go now when you're bailed oh yeah so it was four in the morning.

We'd been out getting fucking stoned out of our noggins. Man, I stayed up on mushrooms. And I was out with Tom Horton. And there was a point when I looked at my watch and I realized my train was in an hour. And I was in a bar still. I was on mushrooms. I was fucking smoking weed solid. And I just looked at Tom and i went i'm gonna get to the

hotel i'm gonna get my things i'm gonna catch the train i'm gonna do the gig in paris and i said it with like no like there was no pitch to it it was just something that i said and i meant and then i heard the words i said and i was just like ah this is fucking awesome i'm gonna get to the hotel i'm gonna get my things i'm gonna catch the train we're gonna do the gig in paris can i play this from my side was that not when I came downstairs because you always go for breakfast and I never do

I'm eating breakfast aye so you got you walked into the hotel went to your room got your shit then went to breakfast and then I fucking come downstairs I'm like

oh Kai must have had a good sleep he's woken up for breakfast I hadn't been to bed he didn't know about this shit no oh my god yeah we fucking

powered through on the night. So that train journey. Oh, man. And on the train, the only thing worse than kids on a train is French kids on a train. Oh, they fucking cry in French. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Le wah.

Le wah. Sacre bleu. le wah le wah I look I love individual French people but as a whole you know what that's why we voted Brexit I think my worst memory from tour that I can remember

and it did turn out to be okay do you remember our first tour when we went up to, what was the fucking place beside, Fort William Fort fucking William, is that Ben Nevis for an hour and a half right, so we're driving up, right, Fort William is a place in Scotland which is near Ben Nevis

the tallest man, Ben Nevis the tallest man in the UK he moves around a lot this week he's in Surrey no Ben Nevis is the tallest

mountain in the UK or Scotland at least so we're going up there and every mountain for the hour drive up through no radio through no fucking

signal is that Ben Nevis any hill any mile any mound of fucking just a grassy knoll. Is that Ben Evers?

Ben Evers? Are we in the same seat? Then we get there, and we get to the venue, and it's a fucking working man's club where they do not have a microphone, where they have not set up the seats. They don't have a music player.

Oh, by the way, they't have a music player oh by the way they did have a microphone but it plugged into the wall which plugged into two little tiny speakers it sounded like a baby monitor a fucking baby

monitor we could have done fucking french comedy through it it was like you know when there's an announcement in the train station it's like me me me me me me me

it was coming through the mic like that I was like oh god I was like we'll just do an acapella we'll pull the couple dozen seats in how many how many tickets have we sold and now we'll just do an acapella we'll pull a dozen seats in how many how many tickets have we sold

and now we've just come from Perth at this point so we've just done fucking 290 seats in the wonderful Perth theatre which will be back be back up soon

so we do 290 in Perth on a fucking Saturday we go to Fort William on a Sunday we walk into this club how many tickets you sold and they go 16

and look again start my career i'll and didn't we pull some people in from the bar as well yeah we did and we bought everyone a drink well we took because they give us the tickets and the money normally it goes through the because it was so unprofessionally run they literally gave us the bag of money that they all the tickets have been bought with and we just went put this behind the bar and let's just turn this into a fucking piss-up. And it turned out to be quite a good gig.

Yeah, it was so unplugged. It was such an unplugged gig. We went on, and we were loose, and we chatted to people, and we got it going. We made it like, look, we're all in this together kind of gig. But fuck, man, going into that gig, we're like, what is this? Is your worst memory from tour not shitting myself in oslo that's exactly what i was gonna say how do you know because that to me you enjoyed that so much

because because i've known you for seven years now and there's often stories come up about you shitting yourself which you freely admit that you do quite often and you freely admit that you yeah more often you should as a fucking 33 year old man I have cut back I've got patches I just put them over my arsehole just put a patch

over my arsehole stems the bleeding just make a little ass tamper on with some full you freely admit that you you shit blood as well

occasionally I've cut back on that as well but like sometimes I was thinking to myself like when other people poo how do they stem the bleeding so

looking on Yahoo answers there was a time we were in fucking Norway we went for pizza and on the way back and Oslo is a beautiful city we know but £70 for two pizzas

two starters and a couple of drinks was it £70 the way out is £70 well the fucking Brexit right me and Kai have worked out that anything going pounds way over 70 pounds well the fucking Brexit I me and Kai have worked out

that anything going wrong in our lives we just blame on Brexit just like all the Brexit votes blamed on immigrants and that's the most satirical we'll ever get and we

I don't even think I understand the reference I just made nah it sounded good it did it sounded like something someone would say

a month away I feel like that's that's the key it's not actually having opinions. It's just sounding like you do have one. So then I shat myself. No, but not only did you shit yourself. It wasn't like a conscious decision.

It was you and me walking down the road and you said the words, oh no. Or let me do it in the disturbing way. Oh no. And I went, what? And you go, I trusted a fat? The only thing is you didn't, I didn't know where the hotel was.

So you lead me back to the hotel, and you took me everywhere but the hotel. Because I was too busy. You were going around the shops. I couldn't get any data on my phone, because I'd fucking ran out of the little fucking Euro pack, whatever it is. 50 gig, 50 mega data. And I had run out out and I'm just there I can't get my maps up

fucking shit in my drawers my bricks fucking slosses just sending me on a wild goose chase alright chasing wild geese

right should we have this next no second break because we're just going to pause it this no second break is brought to you by

marijuana see you in a second bye love you I think that's recorded again let me double check because we're just going to pause there. This No Second Break is brought to you by marijuana. See you in a second. Bye, love you. I think that's recorded again. Let me double check. Bored to listen to hello talk. Am I back in the room?

Back in the room. Right. So we are back. And we'll split to the wind. For the section of the show we call Muggles Corner. Things muggles do and where we debate whether it's a muggly thing or just a thing that you're occasionally guilty of. As always, muggles is a derogatory

term to describe people who are essentially sim characters set on basic sense. Like, if you take the ladder out of a pool, they drown. Small talk is the limit. Yeah, small talk. Just the sort of people that be like when you say oh it's good weather they go good weather for ducks because it's the rain

the sort of people when Christmas dinner comes out they go and what's everyone else having I'm a muggle I'm a fucking muggle hold on I've got another one of these I'm a muggle I'm a fucking muggle Hold on I've got another one of these Why is that?

You're punishing yourself What's all funny? Yeah but there's also going to be blood on that There's worse The worst smells are in my nose Now you know it's kind of like to do ass to mouth But in a very PG-13 version Ring to nose 13 year olds do

all right uh i'll go first for muggles corner uh orange wednesdays orange wednesdays for muggles guy you know so for those of you are international listeners if we have any orange wednesdays is basically a uh um is it a wednesdays no it's it's? No, I think it was O2 Orange Wednesdays Where they would offer Two for one tickets to cinema Every Wednesday if you text in a code to Orange Why would we say O2? It's on Orange You have to be on the Orange network

You're being a silly billy You said EE first, cunt EE is what Orange is now I stand on film ground right now, Daniel Is it? Yes, get back in your and ground right now, Daniel. Is it? Yes, get back in your cage. I can now smell your fart,

you rancid bag of shit. It's horrible. So Orange Wednesdays is the only one that's on the Orange network could send for a code and they get the code and they get a two for one

at the cinema on Wednesday. So, the reason I would say this is muggle-y and maybe this is the biased perspective but when I was taking my,

when I didn't go to university and I was just doing stand-up from my fucking parents' house when I was 18, 19, like, nothing to do during the day. Had time off. Didn't want to go out on weekends

because that's when I was gigging. So during the week was when I was free. Right? So if I had a night off during the week, I was like, Wednesday, I'll go to the cinema. It's going to be quiet.

It's a fucking Wednesday. I can't wait to just, oh, send a quiet cinema by myself and watch a movie that no one else is watching. But the marketing tool that is in play.

Marketing tool that I was unaware of because I was with O2 fucking whole life, fucking respect, pick up O2. O2, it's my bro.

My bro two. In. In, straight in. Back in the net. Screamer from 35 yards. Consolation goal though. So a replay.

Bro two. back in the mid screamer from 35 yards yep consolation goal though um it's our replay uh bro two um so yeah I'll be fucking getting there and it's just a bunch of fucking

uh couples or like on first or second dates where because they're still in high school so one of them's a fucking cheap cunt who's like oh we can

we can I can get both you send them on I can just fucking check your pulse at the back i'll get two for one you get the popcorn you know what i mean but get the popcorn that is what i'm making sure you know what i mean that is by the way get the popcorn do you know what i mean that is one of my favorite games to play though, is, and this, please, if you're ever bored in company, just

start saying just very, very overly sexual things but with the phrase, if you know what I mean, afterwards being like, tell you what, I can't wait to stick my tongue right up her cunt. If you know what I mean. Can't wait till she

I gotta check her pulse, if you know what I mean. No, no, that isn't right because that is no you've ruined the game within one round no no I've actually approved the game no I mean

I'm wrong I'm wrong I showed that I tutorial there's unlimited lives do you want to go through the real game now

like if there was a video to this blog it would put a big cross big red cross over me saying that and going this is what you don't do so you might say I'm just gonna to take a big

black cock and my big white mouth. If you know what I mean. Okay, so Orange Wednesdays. Mugly or not mugly, you black cock loving white mouth. I think it's the sucker for a bargain you know

if you're a sucker for a bargain why not take the bargain but like if you live for it you know what I mean if you're fucking oh Orange Wednesday is coming it's going to be the highlight of your week the people that be like oh just go I've got a spare ticket to Orange Wednesday let's go watch fucking the hills of ice 4 I mean

speaking for ice speaking for ice anonymous fucking nerd hill Hells of Ice 4. I mean... Specky Four Eyes Hill. Specky Four Eyes Anonymous. Fucking Nerd Hill. Nerd Hill. Hells of Four Eyes. Pond Dexter. I'm undecided. I think that may just be people bargain hunting.

You know, people trying to... I'll accept it. I'll accept it. Pinch a book. And all that day. Look, if you like orange ones just stay out the corner yeah

alright can I get some more gin please yes alright what's your oh I mean there's not any in that so this one

is people like to say things like see you next Tuesday instead of just swearing like people people that don't swear and like allude to the swear word and be like,

see you next Tuesday as well. It's just like a shit tribute act. It's not even an acronym, it's S-Y-N-T syntax. Syntax error. Not registered in the insult. Error 404, page not found. I find non-swearing, now here's

a bit that I've never been able to get working, but it kind of fits in the vein of this, but it's not even a bit. It's a bit of logic I have, which is why I think swearing is so good. Especially if you're British. Swearing is musical. Swearing is like playing a drum kit if you listen to the way British swear words work, right?

So you've got... If you're not about to beatbox right now, I'm going to be disappointed. No, no, I am, right? So, if you listen to how British swear words work, they are very, I am, right? So if you listen to how British swear words work, they are very percussion-y, right? It's always soft but strong and then with a harsh consonant, so it's always shit, which is shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, right? Same with fuck, fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit, shit, fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Same with fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.

Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

And then you go on to, then you go on to, motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Motherfucker. Bastard. Shit. Fuck. Motherfucker. It's, that's why, when people say swearing's not good,

I'm like, I don't even, I've never said a swear word meaning that, like, I rarely use fuck in the context of having sex. I rarely use the word shit in the context of having a poo. I rarely use cunt in the context of vagina. But cunt is like the fucking cunt, cunt, cunt. Like, that's the war drums. Not the hi-hat.

Not the hi-hat. The opposite of the hi-hat. No, shit's a hi-hat. Shit, shit shit shit Fuck Motherfucking shit Motherfucking shit Bastard

Bastard Cunt Yeah Cunt is the foot pedal It's so percussion-y And it's my Like I honestly

I just enjoy the way Swearing feels coming out My fucking shitting bastard My fucking Motherfucking shit Bastard Motherfucker It's just

Which is why it doesn't work in American but then imagine you're just dropping one of them fucking beats, the motherfucking shit motherfucking cunt do it again motherfucker, motherfucker, shit motherfucker cunt, cunt, cunt cunt, cunt, cunt

and then people are there going the words are weapons I always did find they're like fucking muggles. Muggles. Anyway, that's my point. Orange Wednesdays,

I think you've said now. Okay, I'll agree. I'll agree. But what about not swearing? Oh, not swearing. Yeah, not swearing

is very muggly. If you're offended by a noise, even, it's not even like, if you get offended by certain things, sometimes I'll agree with you. Like, if you get offended by certain things sometimes I'll agree with you

like if you get offended by context you can be offended by context but there doesn't need to be a swear word in that context

like I'm not offended necessarily you could say to me go and flip and lick the old poo out your ass I mean I'd be like oh ass is a little bit of a swear word

but I'm still offended by the context it's the same way with right so here's and this might sound ignorant but the word faggot for me if someone said the word faggot by the context. It's the same way with, right, so here's, and this might sound ignorant, but the word faggot for me, if someone said the word faggot

in the context of like, just, he said the word faggot, if they were calling someone who said the word faggot, the word faggot doesn't trigger anything in my head. The way you're using it now is fine.

because for me it's not in context. Contextualized. But the difference is, the second I hear the word faggot used with the fucking hate is, Is it the wrong retime? That's the derogatory term about the way someone looks i would argue words themselves are not offensive it's the way they are used same thing like what isn't this what i've come we're trying to say earlier no they were saying that the way

they're used to women honkies oh yeah maybe yeah maybe we're between white bitches anyway right I'll go for my next muggles corner art museums art museums say I don't but high brown muggles I don't get it like I'm not saying like some art's good

like if you've fucking blended a bunch of spoons together and meld them with a fucking thing to make like a lion that's roaring

like that's art but if it's like this this whole argument of like i went to see one with ali we've got an art museum just down the road right and there was on the wall just this woman's fucking handprints right and they're and i was like that anyone could have done that and my friend is into art was like yeah yeah but you didn't and that's the point of art stuff anybody's gonna do i'm nah, I couldn't have done the lion fucking statue. I don't have a blowtorch.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely not. Like, you couldn't, like, carve a statue that's in the middle of a city like fucking Brian Clough in Nottingham or whatever. Like, you couldn't have done that. So that's art. Right.

That statue's art. But then the fucking spat as a paint against the thing. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. I love going around. I went around the Guggenheim in New York and I kept going around. that's that use art but then the fucking spat as a paint against the thing oh yeah I love going around I went around the Guggenheim in New York

and I kept going can you just just for our foreign listeners can you just say Guggenheim again in your accent Guggenheim in your accent fuck you so

I was going around there but I kept going up to things that weren't exhibits and I was going up like the fire weren't exhibits and I was going up to like the fire extinguisher and I was like oh man it's so poignant

it just radiates it's just the beauty of the red means danger and it's it's like it's like just going up to like a fire door

and just just giving it big licks as if it I just somehow I just and people go it's because you're ignorant and go

is it are you just part of a like the comedy you and I do when we are laughing in a car ourself I would never bring on stage because it's not

funny to the world it's funny to us yeah in the context of us but if we were to take it out into the real world fully like this podcast I guess

blends it slightly but the banter you and I have in a car I would say it's the funniest stuff in the world because there's no filter because there's no I would say it's the funniest stuff in the world. Because there's no filter. But because there's no filter.

But I wouldn't put it out to the real world because the real world wouldn't find it funny because it's just you and me that sees that angle. And when I say no filter, I don't mean no filter by the content and how dark it is or edgy it is. Because there's no filter with that either. But that's not what I meant.

I meant there's no filter on how bad it could be. So you're not going to second guess if a joke's going to be shit so you'll just put it out there and it could be so bad that the joke is about laughing about the joke being bad yeah yeah like even sometimes the shittest jokes are the funniest like if you say something that is just fully tripe fully tripe chat yeah sometimes we say things that are just fucking tripe and make each other laugh so are you sorry back to the point museums are you giving me art museums, muggles? I think, yeah, I like, I feel like I'm a little bit ignorant to it.

Yeah. I feel like there's a part of me that's like, oh, what are they getting that I'm not getting out of it? But on the other hand, if it's just the same, if I'm seeing it the way it is, they're fucking muggles. Aye.

Just trying to look cool. Yeah. Good, right, same? Same. my muggle corner, my second entry is making requests at the DJ booth I will

agree with you to an extent but I will also point out I've done that at least ten times who has not been at a nightclub at two in the morning and asked for Mr. Brightside by the Killers? I ask one of you amongst us. Can I have Don't Stop, Never Give Up by S Club 7, please? I just want to get in my groove.

Nah, you're requesting show star. If I want fucking Mr. Brightside by the Killers at two in the morning. Yeah, but the DJ's got his plan you know what I mean he's got his ideas he's like I know what I'm going to drop

at the end of the night it doesn't take it doesn't take the fucking person that's just in the dance floor with his fucking shirt tucked in his little fucking

poop tash his little fucking bum fluff beard to run up and go I know you're doing your job to an expert level but I just

here's a little bit of advice DJ sir Mr. Brightside I guarantee it's going to be a hit doing your job to an expert level, but he has a little bit of advice. He's a wee tidbit. Mr. Brightside, I guarantee it's going to be a hit. And then making your way back to the dance floor. That would be like someone during one of our shows just coming up to us being like,

have you heard Kevin Bridge's bus bet? I reckon that'll smash right now. I've got a burden. We'd be fucked off If they did that And then you had to just go Oh well This is what the people want And then just all slip on

A Scottish accent And just be bridges For a bit Oh you know the Could you just say I'd slip on a Scottish accent You racist motherfucker

I'd slip one on Me Or you I'd slip on a Scottish accent Could you do your Scottish accent Get out of my swamp Bearing in mind that your girlfriend is Scottish Yeah but Shrek is

Is your girlfriend Get out of my swamp So what was Right what was that one there? Natalie's posh Scottish Aye She puts the She puts the ish in Scottish.

Like, she's Scottish. Scottish. Aye. She's Scottish. Aye. Ish. Ish. Ish.

She's also half ish-lamic. Ish. Because she... Ish-lamic. Not full islamic. Not full islamic. Ish-lamic. She's half Muslim.

Yeah. Mush-lim. That's just Sean Connery saying it. Mush-lim. Islamic Islamic she's half Muslim yeah Mushlim that's just Sean Connery saying it Mushlim Mushlim she's Islamic

and Scottish Scottish Scottish Islamic right was that your one what was the thing what was mine

oh yeah making requests to the DJ booth okay yeah what a muggle and I mean guilty I've definitely

went up to the DJ booth I've done it so many times in my early 20s I still will you know what if I want to hear a fucking little line by Mumford and Sons

at fucking 2.30 in the morning when I'm off my head bring your headphones I want to fucking trust some bring your Walkman bring your Walkman if you're going to make a request to the DJ booth head bring your headphones I want to fucking trust some I need you to bring your Walkman bring my headphones bring your Walkman if you're going to make a request

to the DJ booth just bring your Walkman just bring your mini this is clear bring the shockproof CD player yeah I can go to speed bumps 10 second delay or whatever on the bounce

right my last one from Muggle Corner is those and this is this is another sort of Facebook one, but sharing those Facebook posts, which are basically someone messaging Mark Zuckerberg. Asking for 3,000 likes. So it's like, Mark Zuckerberg, what would I have to do to get Donald Trump banned for Facebook? And then Mark Zuckerberg would be like, well, what an unusual request.

I'll take it for 8,000 shares, 200,000 likes, and 15,000 comments. In what world is that his currency? Does he have so much money that his level of narcissism, he's got money. He wants likes and shares like god apparently this really needs and when it's reposted it's always got like omg didn't think mark would reply oh just but for me i'm not even like don't even know i'm fucked off with the guy that posts those so the guy that posts those but it's the ones that share i'm just like you're allowed to vote people that share that are allowed to vote yeah like if you believe that in my mind fuck you is your vote equal to mine

fuck that shit you gullible ragged shit uh that's why trump wins all right trump wins and that's why we're responsible trump wins um just before we uh oh we'll get oh i've got one more one more muggle corner uh asking someone to delete a photo that they that they think that they don't look good in so you know when you're like oh let's see that photo i'll delete that right now here's and this i fully agree with you but here's an interesting question and I don't have the right answer to it. Do you think that is a more gender-based thing? Because for me, just the way I've been raised and the fact that I get, no matter what I do,

no matter how well I get insulted, so I know that even when I look the best and I'm doing the best of my life, I'll get torn to fucking shreds. Get a new haircut, you get ribbed. Regardless of what, even when I'm doing fucking shows, I'm getting ripped for being on shows. No matter how well my career goes

or my life goes, I will be insulted by my male friends for that. So, like, the funniest photos I find of me are the ones where I look like a fucking idiot. Yeah.

Like, I'm just like, oh God, like, this is just banter that we can all join in. Where it is, and again, this is why the question might be wrong, and I don't want to fucking seem sexist with it.

Girls. I think you're right. I think girls are, there isn't as much of a culture between girls and their friends of getting absolutely

slaughtered off their mates. I think that's because they get so slaughtered in everyday life. Yeah, that means protect them. Yeah, for us to be,

as fucking white men I reckon for us to insult each other is because nothing bad's happening on the outside we're like we're safe in every direction

now we can fire Edwards I reckon if you're like women in this world like if you're getting attacked from the outside we're like let's just build up

each other's confidence because let's be honest we're surrounded by cunts stick to the guy maybe that's what it is and again we might be wrong but yeah that thing about each other's confidence because let's be honest we're surrounded by cunts stick together guys stick together alright maybe that's what it is

and again we might be wrong but yeah that thing about looking at a photo and saying oh could you delete that it's like oh look that's how you looked at that time

it doesn't matter don't worry about being judged or not looking your best just chill chill the fuck out that's your face just don't put it on tinder that's your face

that you pulled at that time and what do you want to achieve from that photo do you think it's going to draw in loads that time. And what do you want to achieve from that photo? Do you think it's going to draw in loads and just suit us? Like people that want to marry it because the photo's there? I've done that.

I'm very conscious that on Tinder is like worrying that some of the photos I'm like, imagine if I look better on Tinder than I do in real life. How do I look to other people

that don't know me? How do they see my face in a still shot? What a substitute do they make? I tell you what with good lighting and photoshop I've got an incredible jawline but without

a camera or lights I've got four chins but I tell you what in my tinder profile fucking I could cut I could melt

steel beams I love that if anyone gets shamed in the media they appear with a double chin they're always like in the news with a double chin

the next day. They're always the 65 year old woman checking her phone. Mr. Motivator. Mr. Motivator got caught with fucking illicit substances and then it would be a picture of Mr. Motivator, a ripped dude with a double chin. Just the double chin.

Matthew Kelly, double chin. It fucking works. Alright, I will give you... Barrymore, double chin. The double chin Barrymore. Oh, I have to join that guy. Man, don't do anything wrong, guys. Look, if you do anything wrong

and end up in the media, they're going to double chin you. All right, double chin. You know, when you get double chinned, guys, stay out of trouble. All right, stay out of trouble. Otherwise, they're going to be looking... Like, ironically,

they're going to be looking down on you while you're looking down on the camera and looking at all four of those shins and that takes us to our next break where you can go get the vodka that's on top of the freezer yeah we are back

let me just double check with say something back I mean this is awful to listen to but shut the fuck up we're two episodes in why don't you kill yourself we are into our last ten minutes

which means it's time for the second version of your dad jokes you got ten yep ladies first your dad takes

slice selfies when he's fucking your mom puts a snap Snapchat filter on His dog face But transports His own face on hers So he can see what it's like When she's fucking him

His full on fantasy Face swapping with a mirror Your dad brushes his teeth With salt That's not gonna help you get to sleep Your dad doesn't bother with duvet covers or pillowcases Thinks they're a thing of the past Your dad asked for bubble wrap for Christmas

He's never been happier. Your dad has a token for the supermarket shopping trolley. We did that last time. That wasn't the last one. No, wasn't it your dad joke that was a muggle chat? I'm still not accepting it.

Man, I'm going to slip it into every single game that we play. Like, you guarantee every podcast that we do we're going to bring up the fucking supermarket token that you've got attached

to your key ring. You fucking muggle. Man, one day you're going to be fucking out of fucking Sainsbury's, right? And you're going to attach to your key ring you fucking muggle man one day one day you're going to be fucking out of fucking Sainsbury's right and you're going to be wanting to do a big shop

you're going to be wanting to do a big shop it's going to be a big shop Sunday fuck I'll just carry it under my arms I'll just carry it in my t-shirt

just hold my t-shirt up with one arm put the groceries in with the other one don't give a fuck me don't know how my brain works sometimes your dad likes car batteries to test them.

He's going to end up in trouble. The scar on your dad's top lip is because of his skin with his hands in his pockets. When your dad finishes crisps, he crushes the back on his head to act hard. That is a terrible joke. Every time your dad wakes up, he checks his socks to piss. How's he going to dry the floor? Your dad's currently grounded For getting bubble gum in his hair For getting bubble gum in his hair

Playing with his bubble wrap Bubble gum in his He's trying to have a laugh Having a good time When he gets his fucking liberties Taken from him By the powers that be Your dad faked hands

With used fanny pads That's not a good look in the club By the powers that be. Your dad faked hands with used fanny pads. That's not a good look in the club. When your dad wants to say funny, he says foof. I wish you'd done that first. I could have said your dad faked hands with foof pads. Rewind. Hold on.

When your dad wants to say funny he says foof what have you got your dad big time used foof pads you say that as if either of us was going to edit this

no I mean the whole joke was in the fake edit your dad has shut up your dad

has drawn pubes he's a lollipop he's a lollipop he's a lollipop he's a lollipes that's his girlfriend your dad got thrown out of a brothel because of his breath they've had enough one of them was saying the other one fucking made you sort of

it's your turn it's your turn It's your turn I threw him out last night Your dad resets himself By putting his finger Up his ass For ten seconds Meditation

If he's in a If he's in a grumpy mood With your mum He just steps outside the room Shoves a digit And up two knuckles. He sets himself. He calls it the penetration meditation.

Your dad enrolls the toilet roll and writes motivational quotes on every sheet to keep your brothers in the zone. Keep them focused. Your dad has that condition Benjamin Button had except he was born happy and grew into marrying your mum.

Well, your dad got a nosebleed from taking poppicity in the park. Did you do any bonus ones this time? I did Did you? I'll fucking check mate I've got two bonus ones Your dad plays Pokemon Yellow I never played Pokemon

That's the worst one It's where you go if your parents didn't love you It's always the worst one Fucking the Yellow Power Ranger If anything it's the yellow. Yellow fever? What? That's naughty.

No, no. I think you assuming that was racist was naughty. Yellow fever is not racist. You thinking it's racist is... I mean, look it up in Ofcom. Ofcom won't like it. Ofcom will not like it. Right, go.

Your dad licks the bag when he's running out of weed. Your dad licks the bag when he's running out of groceries. Finish him. finish him I didn't I didn't finish this one I just sorry about it but I'm just really at the start

it's just funny your dad your dad wears knee pads and you didn't finish it no what could the ending be I was going to specify somewhere that didn't need knee pads

yeah like like the water park. Your dad wears knee pads at the water park. That brings us to the end of this one. So I think the thing is, what with us being on tour for so long, we are going to try and do two a week because we are in each other's company

every day. Because we're enjoying it regardless bare minimum if no one listens to this I had a laugh it's just like I was having a chat except I've got a hold of my hand at a reasonable height for the microphone normally the time we have a chat

and you have your hand at that level is when you ask for a raise can I skip rent this month? It's still the same two dates. He's on at Kai Hanfrey's on Twitter, Kai Hanfrey's on Facebook. I am Daniel underscore Sloss on Twitter, Daniel Sloss on Facebook. If you're enjoying it,

please, for the love of God. Come see us on tour. We're going to be live in your area. Muggington Cream. M Muggins and Cream living the dream reigning supreme hi we're going to be all over Europe

check my website danielsloss.com we'll also be tweeting about it a lot and if you have enjoyed the podcast please do share like and let us know

just because I've got a one hour show to sell I've got a one hour show to sell I've got one hour show on my podcast it's actually fucking 69 minutes baby get nine minutes on top of the one hour

I've got sticky feet wait you stuck the podcast on the no I'm on about my live show on the USB

so I've got my live show it's available for £10 it's packed with bonus features I wrote it to a journal I've had a boxing match with my brother. I had fights on there, professionally shot. Rod Gilbert's the host.

All other Your Dad Jokes we've done. I've got 100 plus Your Dad Jokes. If you like the old dad jokes, there's a bunch of them. And most importantly, your one-hour special from last year, How to Be Happy, which says, the last episode, and I still mean it, I remember the first time you sent me that ending for your show via email the girl I was with

at the time listened to it and cried yep it's offensive it's emotional it's got an emotional ending

you can find that by look just go on my twitter at Kai Humphries it's the pinned tweet you can find it there thank you very much for listening

genuinely we'd love to keep doing this please let us know if we should love you lots I gotta do it anyway yeah motherfuckers

muggles