Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.20 C.R.E.A.M.

Episode Date: December 8, 2016

Everyone gets kicked off Panto once and will never get invited back, you know that old saying. Cream talks about his failed attempt at stand up... I totally meant panto... I genuinely typed that by accident and could have easily corrected it but it was such a great freudian slip that it's staying in. We talk about other stuff too, we actually do prattle on quite a bit in this one, just like whats happening now. Stop reading and download it already. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? We are back.

Cash rules everything around me. Cream get the muggins. Dollar dollar bill yo. I don't even know where that's from. It's cash rules everything around me. Who's that? Muppet Man from Wu-Tang Clan. Oh, okay.

See, I... Another one. Nope. This looks like a job for muggins, so everybody just follow muggins, because we need a little Controverse Suggins, because it feels so empty without cream. I mean, I had to put Controverse Suggins in there to get the punch, but... You can do it with practically everything.

No, you can't. No woman, no cry? No woman, no cream? No woman, no cream We're back After last week's Mondays, what day is it today? It's Wednesday but we're putting this out on Thursdays So what is time?

We are down in London Last night we had A fucking ridiculous night We got on it We did I'm on it at the Soho, and Nick Cody is also on there. And we had the lovely Elliot Steele and Tom Horton come join us. And then me and Natalie went to watch Matilda.

Yeah, you did. Man, I was watching Matilda, right? There's the theatre play written by Tim Minchin. Oh, is it? Yeah, he did the music, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense, because Tom Horton said to us, oh, the next one that Tim Minchin's doing is, fuck, what is it? Yeah, he does the music, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense, because Tom Horton said to me, oh, the next one that Tim Minchin's doing is... Fuck, what is it?

It's really good. I don't know. Tim Minchin's doing a good thing, but he said that, and I don't know why, I thought he just said it out of the blue, but he clearly said it because Tim Minchin wrote Matilda. Yeah, it's a... But there was a bit when I was watching Matilda where the cup was on the apparatus, like the PE apparatus,

and the cup's there, and she's trying to move it with her mind, and she couldn't do it and she's like really trying and then I thought I'm going to give her a hand and I started doing it and then it worked and I was like

you see that Natalie I just fucking helped her the cup flew off the apparatus the minute I started helping her she was struggling for ages and then you thought you're like you are like a child

in those things like just did it at any point were you just so tempted to shout out it's you thought, you're like, you are like a child in those things. Like, did at any point were you just so tempted to shout, it's behind you because you're seven years fucking old? No, it was like, you know, when you pretend to be a Jedi when you open the automatic doors. Yeah. And they're going to open anyway. It was just like, one of them, wasn't it? One of them. However, I can't prove that I didn't do it.

Yeah, but yeah, yeah. You know, I was fired from Panto. Yeah, I do know this. It was something to do with you went on the Paul O'Grady show. Yeah, so this is not a... It was like, I like your chops. You've got spunk kid. And they just throw you in at the deep end.

Yeah, it was basically when I was 17, I did the Paul O'Grady show, like, so fucking clean. Now, that was when I did, my most famous joke from when I was young was the shaving joke and the whole premise of the joke was

my dad comes into the room and he starts talking to me about shaving I think he's talking about sex and it was it was just a very well written bit

and it was sort of what I was known for when I was young it was all just innuendo it could apply to both topics but when I'm doing the Paul O'Grady show right because that's on

at fucking primetime television right it's on at like five in the afternoon sorry it's like watershed they make me they're like you can't say certain things which i'm fine with but the things they changed in the joke made it way more fucking offensive right so one of the lines in it was like just my dad saying that and he's talking about shaving but i think he's talking about he's like oh you know the first

time you do it there will be a little bit of blood but don't worry best i do is just get some tissue paper just roll up and stick it on there and one of the producers was like oh i don't worry, best thing to do is just get some tissue paper and just roll it up and stick it on there. And one of the producers was like, oh, I don't think you can say blood, it's just a bit graphic. And I was like, oh, that makes sense. What would you suggest? And they went, just say there may be a bit of general mess. And I'm like, no! That's far worse.

You just changed it from blood to spunk, as you say. Yeah, or shrapnel, or just like... Ah, it just made it sound blood to spunk. Yeah. Or shrapnel. Or just like... Ah, it just made it sound so fun and gross. But I did the show and it went well. And then the... But the thing everyone... You have to remember with my stuff is there's material I do that can get on television

and then there's the other 80% of the material I do. So all my clean stuff goes out on television, which is why for so many years I had people see my stuff on TV they come out and then I'm talking about drugs, death and no God

and you know whatever so these guys see this cheeky chappy young fucking you know puppy fat kid flicky hair

and they're like do you want to do pantomime and I'm like no I've got like that's no I'm not I was like no not really

and they were like it's Wimbledon Theatres with Pamela Anderson Brian Blessed Paul O'Grady and David Hasselhoff Pamela Anderson mate

that's my childhood I had a fucking loaded magazine yeah that's me with Brian Blessed I used to used to sneak sneak your

sneak your Brian Blessed fucking photographs into the bathroom just fucking strumming it to Flash Gordon so hold on so you got kicked off

for not being able to sing a dance so I said to them at the start they were like I'm like what's the part and it was like fucking buttons

or bubbles or whatever the fucking the comedy characters and I'm like I cannot sing that's a big major role isn't it

yeah yeah it's the comedy relief it's the one that talks to the kids and I'm like I need you to know I can't sing and I can't dance

right and I know this because I did acting when I was young because my mum did what me at the house so she sent me to the local theatre

so I did loads of like musicals and stuff but it was I was always very good confident acting can't sing for shit no rhythm to the point where

one of the plays try though no no here's how bad it was I was one of the plays try though no no here's how bad it was I was one of the leads in a fucking theatre

play the Adamsworth theatre and they had to rewrite the whole song so it was a rap

because that's how bad I was at singing they were like this is excruciating you just had to do something

by like make skin or something just something like where you talk your way through the lyrics so I'm like

I can't sing or I can't dance and they're like oh honestly don't worry about it you'll be fine so I go down two days were just fun it was just rehearsals none or I can't dance. And they're like, oh, honestly, don't worry about it. You'll be fine. So I go down. Two days were just fun.

It was just rehearsals. None of the celebs were there. But they were like, you can't sing or dance. And I was like, I know. That's what I said. They were like, oh, we just thought you were being modest. And I'm like, oh, you clearly don't know me. I don't do modesty.

I either go on about how I'm the greatest at something or I'm like, I'm don't know me i don't do modesty like i either go on about how i'm the greatest at something or i'm like i'm stay away from that yeah and they and they're but and you remember i'm 17 18 years old i'm going down from like i'm there at the end of november i'm going to be there till mid uh january i've got one day off to go home for christmas right the fee was i don't i've got no mind i don't mind saying it it was 10 grand for the two months two and a half months right which the time you work isn't good, but... But bear in mind you're like 17 years old. It's the most money I've ever heard of in my goddamn life.

Yeah. And after two days they go, we'll give you half the money if you leave now. So you got out of two months work. Yeah. With five grand at the age of 17. Because they booked... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And again, same thing with me with no concept of what money was at that time like I can't believe I get to buy a fucking house yeah go off and just

that's so funny how much like your career would change I'm reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at the minute and there was a line

in that about every decision that you make is the life that you could have lived dying so the life that you could have

lived if you just went alright I've fucking I've got to get a singing coach I've got to learn how to dance I'm just going to you could have lived if you just went alright I've fucking I've got to get a singing coach I've got to learn how to dance I'm just going to focus on this and if you put your focus

towards that maybe you would have stayed with your focus on that and you would have changed at 26 and you'd be like all fucking drama and all theatrical stuff

rather than comedy stuff it was a massive shatter point in your life but maybe I would have just gone down the route of like more musical stuff maybe in 20 years time Had I gone down that route

You would have been Fucking going to the theatre To watch some musical That I wrote On the Holocaust or something Yeah I don't know why My mind went there

Right Yeah Shouldn't list the West End musical Look if they could do One about fucking Les Misrables Which is about

You know Oh do you know When I went to watch Les Mis Wait isn't that What The Sound of Music Is about Huh Sound of Music I've never seen that one I don't know I know it's very famous But I went to watch Les Mis wait isn't that what The Sound of Music is about huh Sound of Music

I've never seen that one I don't know I know it's I know it's very famous but I don't know what it's about at all it's got something to do with Jews in the Hills

is it not like frankly my dear yeah just not worth it is that that one oh god I'm just misquoting different films now just to

just to irritate all the musical theatre fans who are clearly our fans as well yeah I mean well I've got some Les Mis fans in the mix for sure so I was talking Just to irritate all the musical theatre fans who are clearly our fans as well. Yeah. I mean, well, I've got some Les Mis fans in the mix.

For sure. I was talking to Cody last night, and obviously, I don't mind musicals. I love Book of Mormon. I've seen We Will Rock You, but there's just some ones I just go, I just, I don't, and I know I'm wrong.

I've never seen Les Mis, but I don't know what it's about. I'm just like, it's people singing about their feelings. Yeah, wouldn't it be weird if every time they stop singing they just go, oh, that was weird. And just start conversing.

That was fucking really odd. I did have two things I want to bring up. We just told the story last night, but I just think it's a fucking great one for the podcast. And I know that both people involved listened to it,

which is the Elliot Steele late in life story. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah, that's a good one. Elliot Steele, up and coming comic, took him under our wing, young lad, he's 20 years old now? He's 20 years, we've known him since he was 17, and he's a great comic, for those of you who don't know, he'll be pissed off that we mention this, but his dad is Mark Steele, who if you don't know who Mark Steele is, get out more. Yeah, just look at any of his articles that he's done about anything. Like every time you see an independent article, is it the independent he does right now? Or Guardian. Or Guardian. You see his articles

shared, they're always fucking phenomenal. And he does the Mark Steele's in town, where he'll go to specific towns and he'll do everything about the town that he's in that's on Radio 4. So he's a comedian, he's been on the circuit for years and he's a phenomenal circuit comedian. As a comedian in the UK, you don't not know who Mark St the circuit for years and he's a phenomenal circuit comedian. As a comedian in the UK, you don't not know who Mark Steele is. Like, he's just... When you came in, he was still top. Like, he's brilliant.

He's so smart. We've seen him live a bunch of times. Satirist. Yeah. But he's so fucking intelligent and dry. And Steele's just this fucking London white boy. Like, not as smart as his dad, because his dad's got age

but like it's there but he's just oh my god it's too fat so we've taken Steel under our wing and obviously it's a little

group that we've got of us and all our friends where we're just horrible to each other as you've noticed with the podcast this is how we are with all of our friends

and there's a gig in Edinburgh called Layton Live Layton Live's a notorious bear pit it's like you go on and you know you're ready for a fight. If you go on at Late in Live and you manage to do your set that you've got planned in your head

from beginning to end, you've totally got away with it. You haven't had a Late in Live experience. Late in Live, you've got to be malleable. You've got to be ready for someone to shout out something. And sometimes creators create a tagline. It's not at one in the morning. People are hammered. They've already watched about six shows. And some of them are just coming because at Late end of late

in life it's a disco fucking thing that some people come they are they come because it's the late license party yeah and they can drink until five it

was it was so famous by getting the late in life ticket yeah it was so famous back in the 80s and 90s during the festival because it was just

the drunk bear pit like everyone's done it everyone's I just I love hearing them famous stories about Reggie Hunter and Daniel Kitson sharing a stage yeah yeah of the of just the insane fucking stuff everyone's I just I love hearing them famous stories about Reggie Hunter and Daniel Kitson sharing

a stage yeah of just the insane fucking stuff everyone's got a late in life story of a time they ripped and a time

they died right I've got both I've done two late in life gigs bombed at one had a great one at the other one

and tapped out I don't want oh man I've frequented I do it once a week at the fringe every fringe fucking crowd surfing

and fucking all kinds of shit there was there was the only late in life experience you and I have had together was you were on I do it once a week at the Fringe, every Fringe. Fucking crowd surfing and all kinds of shit. There was the only late live experience you and I have had together. You were on stage on the last day of the festival three years ago. And then Freddie, who runs it backstage, she handed me a fucking Nerf gun. And just while you were on stage, shit-faced, I just stood there and just started shooting you. I'm fucking singing this with foam bullets. I'm getting fucking bitch slapped with foam bullets. I'm just trying to do my gig.

I'm getting fucking bitch slapped with foam bullets. So it's just that you've got a license to do anything, but it is a terrifying gig. I think, yeah, when you start out, it's like a terrifying prospect. Once you've kind of bedded in a little bit, it's just a fun gig. So it's in the Gilded Balloon,

which is a venue in Edinburgh, and upstairs in the Gilded Balloon is one of the artist bars where we always go to called Love, and it's where the comedians can go in, which is a venue in Edinburgh, and upstairs in the Gilded Balloon is one of the artist bars where we always go to called Love, and it's where the comedians can go in and just sort of chill and get shit-faced. So I walk through every night just to see who's on the bill, and I go through, and I look at the line-up, and Elliot Steele, a young 19, Elliot Steele.

On the big chalkboard outside, so this is a big deal for him, because all the names on the chalkboard, everyone can see it, all the foot traffic can see his name. It's not a huge gig for him, but he names on the chalkboard everyone can see it all the foot traffic can see his name it's not a huge gig for him but he's going to be terrified I remember being

that age and fucking terrified of that gig right but the thing is unlike Elliot Steele when I was

19 and did that gig I didn't have friends that were cunts like me so I go to Fred I'm like

where is he and Fred says oh sorry he's behind he's just backstage he's nervous and I go

through and he's just pacing about I'm like yeah yeah the super bit rowdy and i was like oh mate just remember that no matter what happens no matter what you do you are gonna fucking bomb you are gonna eat so much he's like mate what you doing i'm like i want you to and i ran back through the loft and i got all of our mates i got you milo i was like steel'sle's doing his first thing live everyone comes through all the comedians

come through stood in the doorway as well so you can see that doorway because normally when the lights are on you can see the first

couple of rows and then it's like darkness behind that but we were on the doorway it's just stage right so you can just see what all lit up

just there right in front of the stage and he's what are you doing what are you doing I'm like he goes on stage now

he doesn't he says to this day he says it was a death I don't say it was a bad gig it was quiet he didn't

a bomb in late in life can be them just savaging you yeah they'll burn they'll heckle you until you cry until you leave the stage

they kind of just acknowledge these existents a little bit and then after a bit didn't and struggling and then

goes in and the way comedy works is once you're nervous you forget punchlines and he bit and then after a bit didn't and struggling and then goes in and the way comedy works is once you're nervous you forget punchlines and he trips and then start rushing it and then you realise

you've forgotten a bit but the audience don't realise you've forgotten a bit of the joke but it's in your head and then you and your instant reaction

when no one's laughing is to go faster because you want to fill that silence with something so you talk faster and really even though that's

the instinctive thing to do the right thing to do is just make them know that you're still in charge yes you're going at your pace but this is something yeah but that's something i learned when i was 24 yeah you have to learn how to swim in the water yeah so steals are there and at one point one of the famous fucking airlines of it was it was just silence for a bit and he just tries to get the audience back aside and he just goes uh okay i think he couldn't think of the link to his next joke

so he just filled it with any lads in and we die back like that is any lads in any lads in so he goes off to like half the audience

and just sort of politely clapping and we're all there and the second he comes up to it we just grab him we hug him and he's trying to go

in a fucking huff he's like man that was fucking awful I fucking bombed him but you have to understand and this is my defence of our actions then one it was funny

two as I said to him you've had your worst gig ever that is every comedian's nightmare you had a bad gig in front of all of your fucking mates every gig from now on is easy like you've lived the worst fucking moment of your career

and here you are I put my arm around him and went don't worry mate I wiped your name off the chalkboard and then Cody was on after him so Nick Cody goes on and they're wearing the same thing they're both wearing like black shirts Cody goes on and smashes the gig and just walks off afterwards

and still there and Cody just looks at Steel, looks at his shirt, looks at his own shirt and just goes, well, it's not the clothes. It's so funny, you know if you bomb on a gig

and everyone else bombs, you're like, oh, that was a tough gig. But if you bomb and then someone else crushes, you're like, oh, that was all me. You were in the room were you

there for my fucking uh spank this year yeah i feel like i was when i know no because i heard about it yeah they were whatsappers if it was remarkable like there was something happened in it oh it was so again this was it was more self-sabotage so spank is a late night gig kind of like late in life but a bit less ready anymore. It's run by James Loveridge, Duck, and Abigail Shum. And it's just, I've never done it. It's a late night gig. I just don't like them during the Fringe. I want to go in and get drunk, and I just don't need, I don't need to sell tickets during

the Fringe. And I don't want to go to a gig which is anything less than a fucking joke. And it's encroaching on your social life. Yeah. And I'm lazy. But for years and years they've buried me so far. And I love James and Abigail and Dax so fucking much. I was like, yeah, I'll do it.

But I just get in my own head that I'm going to bomb and that it's going to be tough. And then Stanley's down. Yeah, it all gets out of hand because you're so used to your own audience. Exactly. People that already know who you are now you're going on as a stranger. You're on the same playing field as everybody else. And I've got a bunch of mates down in the fucking room,

same thing the way Steel did. And there's a rule in Spank. If at fucking room saying the same thing the way Steel did. And there's a rule in Spank is that if at any point you on stage say the word Spank the whole audience go We love it. Yeah, Spank.

You love it. You love it. And I'm on stage and I do my first joke and it goes down fine but not what I'm used to but just because it doesn't go down

in my head I'm like I'm like and I just say Spank and they go you love it and I'm like from now on whenever a joke bombs I'm just going to say the word Spank and then just get spank and they go you love it and I'm like from now on whenever a joke bombs I'm just going to say

the word spank and then just get through this gig which is the worst thing I could have done because now I'm telling the audience I'm not enjoying the show

so unprofessional on my part but I've been drinking I'm in my own fucking head and then someone heckles we have a little bit of a thing and it goes well

and then I go back to my material but anytime I'm doing jokes about like the gig or people in the audience it's getting laughs and then when I start when I realize what I've done and I start to making fun of myself it's getting big laughs but then I go right I'll try another joke and then the joke bombs and then they laugh because I just say spank a lot so the whole thing is even I'm beginning to enjoy it in the way of like I can

hear the comedians laughing at the back of the room so they're purposefully letting your jokes bomb so that you can do it no they're not it's just like I'm delivering them at like 60% yeah but then I

and then I throw you know a little fake tantrum afterwards but at one point it's just good and I can hear James Loveridge and he's sat in the front row

because he's wanted me to do it for so long and he's just laughing at how angry I'm getting I'm upset I'm getting he's loving it the comics are fucking loving it yeah it's a live moment yeah and at one point I just go how long have I got left, upset I'm getting. He's loving it. The comics are fucking loving it. Yeah, it's a live moment.

Yeah. And at one point, I just go, how long have I got left? And he goes, oh, you can come off stage now. And I'm like, nah, nah. I'm not leaving to anything less than a big laugh. And I do my best joke. It gets a little bit of a laugh.

And I'm like, not good enough. Not good enough. And I just went, God. And I just laid down on stage for two minutes and just listed off my CV. I just laid down on the floor and I was like, I've been on Conan six times. I was the youngest person ever to play the solo there,

do a solo run there. I've got a house. Macintyre's Roadshow. Macintyre's Roadshow, Jason Manvers Comedy Rocks. I sell 11,000 tickets every year at the Edinburgh Festival. Paul O'Grady. Paul O'Grady. from Panto The Adventures of Daniel The Adventures of Daniel

which is a pilot that Daniel done years ago when you started oh man if anyone can dig into the archives and find that

please link me in have you not seen it I've seen it I saw it when it came out it's not it was alright I remember being complimented. We hadn't even done our first tour yet

at the point when you'd done this. I remember texting you going, fucking represent it well. I thought it was alright. But I just can't imagine it's aged well. No, it probably hasn't. But what is very interesting for any fans in there, Jenny Hulse, who played my girlfriend in that show, is now a regular on River City. And Kev,

who played my best friend in the show was in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and Ed Byrne who played God is Ed Byrne? Yeah, Ed Byrne who played all the fantasies in my head yeah, God, maybe what I've always wanted to do, like once we get to a stage with this podcast

please listeners give us feedback on this so we know whether it's worth doing, one thing I've always wanted to do is for bonus episodes is I think it would be very funny if you and I did a running

drunken commentary like a drinking Harry Potter game where you and I watch it and drink so what it means is the audience can sit at home watch the movie

play the podcast at the same time turn the volume down on your TV and just listen to us doing a running commentary while we get drunk because Pete Holmes

did that a while ago and there's, what's the name of the stoner American comic? Doug Stanhope? No, it is Doug something, the one that done Super High Me, yeah. He does running comedy films all the time and it is a very funny thing so we could do that but one that might

be good is if you and I get absolutely fucking stoned out of our noggins and do the Harry Potter. No, dig up the Adventures of Daniel. Ah. That would be fucking funny. But I think the best way to do that one there would be we would have to get like Nick Cody

and Andrew Stanley and Mark Nelson. Mark Nelson would be a great show for that one. The comedians that I know would crucify it to the next level. I think that would be a good thing to do. Hey, on your DVD, we did that. We did? On your DVD, me, you and Mark Nelson done a running commentary.

And Ali, my best friend Ali. Ah, yeah, fuck yeah. So there's four of us just there on the couch with the camera set up watching the DVD and talking about your jokes and talking about shit. That was essentially the first ever podcast we'd done. Yeah, probably, yeah.

Oh, right, I have one thing I wanted to get... Oh, I wanted to say, while we're on the topic of Spank, this is a good story. You weren't there, I don't think, but you know the naked promo? Yeah. Right, so they do a naked promo at Spank, if you don't know, and this gig, after the interval, they'll do a naked promo

where anyone from the audience can get up and promote their show at the Fringe Festival, but they can only do it if they're naked. So they get a minute on stage, and it's usually drama students and young people that are bringing a show up for the first time they'll get up they've got an

a captive audience of 250 people and they get to plug their show if they like if no one from the audience Oh I got naked at Spank Did you?

Yeah because everyone kept sorry I completely repressed that because everyone kept shouting get naked get your cock out now as we know

got a big old dick hard to come by You've done this while you are doing on stage so everyone's just like fuck your accol, get your cock out. Now, as we know, got a big old dick, hard to cover. You did this while you were doing this? On stage. So everyone's just like, fuck your accolades, get your cock out. Yeah, so after I've done the thing of lying on the floor and I refuse to leave for a big laugh, I just go, fuck it. And I just start taking my fucking clothes off.

I got fully tired of the thing. Turn around, put my sock over my dick to make it smell better. Because it's a foot. Yeah, it's only eight inches,. Because it's a foot. Yeah. It's only eight inches, but it smells like a foot. You know what? Someone tweeted the other day about, I'm sure this podcast is just to promote Daniel's cock. In every

single fucking episode, there's been a product placement of your cock. Yeah, but you started it. I never bring up my... That's probably the only time I've ever brought it up. You're the one that's fascinated. You're like one of those... nah you're like one of those you want to be one of those snake charmers

with what dick just played a little flute put it back in a basket so you had a naked promo when you were doing it so the naked promo was on

and sometimes James Loveridge will just do like promote a show that he wants and he'll get naked as he's hosting because no one in the audience

wants to get up but there's always always someone whether it be James or an audience member getting naked and I was on After The Naked promo and I've done it before and it's always a bit weird because you're going on after someone's just had their cock out and some tits have been on stage and I went on and I just went you know what I always find it weird

coming on After The Naked promo because you've just seen a guy's dick and now I've got to tell stories about my dad or whatever like I never know how to start when I do this but I just went ah fuck it I just pulled down my jeans I pulled down my boxers and just when we cock out we just like we t-shirt on like a fucking toddler having a piss lifted up your shirt so you don't get pee on it I didn't even like I didn't even reference it after that I just carried on not much to reference yeah I just carried on. Not much to reference. No. I just fucking done me set as if me cock wasn't out.

There was only one point where I referenced it where there was three lads in the front row and I just went, lads, I'm up here. I'm not a piece of meat. I pointed at me face. Let's go to our first game. Before we do that, let's get some more wine. Just so you know what the type of reprobates me and Kai are, it is Wednesday

at about half past three in the afternoon and Natalie, his girlfriend, has left the house and we're just drinking all of her wine. She's at work.

I've got a show tonight. She's got wine in the fridge. She does? I'm doing a podcast tonight. Yeah? Oh yeah, you did this morning. Fucking Judas.

Yeah. Traitorous cunt. Right, let's get a bottle of wine. Back in two seconds bye alright we're back so we're going to play

the first game always the fan favourite of Muggle Corner for first time listeners Muggle is obviously a term from the Harry Potter world

to describe non-magic people and it's a term that a lot of us in the real world describe non-magic people yeah non-magic people yeah people that just it's

what's funny is there's been a couple of accounts of people saying when they first heard it, they thought it was a bit harsh. And they're like, Ricketts both said, and Nick,

I don't know if it was Cody said, he was talking about Looch said it, Jesus, Mrs. But they're saying, it's a bit fucking harsh going in hard on them, but we're going, literally, we'll get everybody.

Yeah. We get ourselves, we get our parents, we get everybody. So if we're going hard, if this is the first time you're hearing it and you're like, oh, fuck it, I'd do that. Just bear in mind we do six, what, 12 a week? Yeah, yeah.

Six an episode. Yeah, we will catch it. It's just little things that you do that are just a bit stupid and just shit. And we're all guilty of it. And if you do get offended by anything we say you fucking muggle you fucking muggle getting offended because oh that's me i do that and people are thinking that i'm a muggle i've got an example i've got an example to give that isn't uh one of my ones but it happened on the morning this morning on the train on the tube i was fucking livid i'm sat

on the fucking tube the london underground, as you said before, I should love London because it's people like me. Keep your head down, don't talk to fucking anyone, go through your life. On the fucking tube this morning, right, two fucking cunts,

one with a little fucking handheld keyboard and one with a saxophone, come on and just start playing Christmas music. Oh, they're trying to make

something happen. Trying to make something happen. I would have had another friend with a hidden camera as well absolutely or totally like being like oh isn't it

funny bringing a Christmas cheer to the London Underground I can totally tell it's going to be a viral video and you're

going to look in the back and it's going to be me flipping them the bar the whole time there was a baby did it catch on well some people

so muggles enjoy that shit like they were like oh I was sat beside a woman who had a sleeping baby and they're just blowing this

fucking shit in with shitty jazz versions of things. I'm like, you're forcing me to listen to this fucking shit. If you were good, you wouldn't be on a train. Like, at no point in my fucking career have I ever gotten the fucking 740 to fucking Waterloo and been like, oh, my dad thing, the dad did the dad thing the other day.

Fucking, if you're not good enough to do it. And then I actually got off the bus. Yeah. But muggers are the sort of thing that enjoy it. Like, oh, it's just a bit of Christmas cheer. Yeah, dude. I love the idea of that not catching on, of them trying to do it,

and just not catching fire. Because there was, when I opened for Steve-O on the last few days. Oh, rub it in my face. A couple of people, I fucking left you, didn't I? Left you, muggins and allO on the last few days oh rub it in my face a couple of I fucking left it in that left you muggins and all

on the road there was someone trying to start a chant of Steve-O Steve-O but it was like unnecessary like imagine you're doing a gig

and people enjoying it because he's just doing comedy right he's got a couple of stunts in there he's doing stand up and then everyone's just like Daniel Daniel it would be annoying

right would you be annoyed by it? Oh, during the show? Yeah. Oh, yeah. During the bit? Beforehand, oh, yeah, during the show, yeah. Before the thing, it would be kind of cool.

He's trying to do a bit, and people are laughing, but then someone enjoys the bit to the point that they start going, Steve-o, Steve-o. And about six people caught on, and I was like, oh, don't let it catch fire. Yeah. Don't let it catch it. And then it was just listening to the last few

that the guy did when he realised it wasn't working. And he's like, Steve-o, Steve-o, Steve-o, Steve-o. No one?

Okay. So every week we come up with three muggle things we think are muggly. We talk about whether they're muggle or not. If we both agree, they go into muggle corner, which means if you're guilty of these things, you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds. Doesn't mean you're a full-blown muggle corner Which means if you're guilty Of these things You have to stand in the corner

For 30 seconds Doesn't mean you're a full blown muggle Just means everyone's got Muggle tendencies I was in the corner For two minutes last week Like I was guilty of four things You've just got to think

About what you've done Right My first one Muggles Go on about How much they like cheese Now it's not muggley To like cheese

I'm not saying cheese is muggley But if you go on About how much you like cheese You think you're's not muggly to like cheese. I'm not saying cheese is muggly. But if you go on about how much you like cheese... You think you're purposefully making it your thing over the actual enjoyment you're getting about it.

You're projecting yourself as a cheese lover. Yeah, like, if you could pitch yourself... I pitch myself... I'm an arrogant motherfucker. I pitch myself as a legend, as one of the best

of all this stuff. Like, if you think you're pitching about yourself as, oh, I love a good cuda i just tell you what a couple of friends are the other day it's a veto brought a little cheese board but i do get the same because sometimes they put camembert in there i don't know people like camembert but the thing about camembert with the tesco ones is it's not you

really have to get it from the the area a lot of people don't know camembert is an area and it's very specific to the thing so what i do is i do my own little pick and mix and you can get the little fancy ones at Christmas which are sometimes toffee pudding sounds disgusting but with a lovely

little fucking Ritz cracker oh muggle this is a week after we had a cheese board with the podcast oh yeah yeah

however I'm trying to make a sandwich with myself man this is I'm totally guilty of this as well when it comes to

a fucking charcuterie board like I remember as a kid, my definition of an old person, right, was if you talk about a meal you had over a week ago, that's a sign of age. You'd be like, oh, I had a bloody lovely steak last week. And I'm guilty of it.

Like with this, I've made it specifically cheese so it doesn't fucking affect me because I'm a dick. But there's plenty of things that you could bring up if you're referring to food as tender a week after you ate it oh yeah like you can do it

while you're eating it I mean you could probably go on about you could probably say this would work like go on Margot's gone about how much they'd enjoyed

a shit three weeks ago I'd get like that and a fucking cracking shit last night really you know when it comes out like it's

you know the beer no it's a good one still oh it was it was really good it was a good one still it was really good it was like a full like it was like a proper like unit like but it was just

none of it was a struggle none of it was a thing there was no like you know sometimes you're with like a big pool you've got the I always call them

hobbit shits I always say I hate hobbit shits and I just mean the sense that like those ones where it should have just come out as one

but it comes out in three parts like you go for the shit and then you think you're done and then you go away And I just mean in the sense that like, those ones where it should have just come out as one, but it comes out in three parts. Yeah. Like, you go for the shit and then you think you're done, and then you go away, and then 20 minutes later you're like, I need another shit. It's like the Hobbit movies.

You're like, you should have just done it as one, you've broken down it into three things and made it a lot worse. I bled out my ass the other day and I was shitting it. Do you think that's the problem? I think I should go see a doctor. There's some shit in my blood. That's my favourite line that you've never used on stage

which is just when you guys shit how do you stem the bleeding like so you know something I wanted to mention about the cheese as well is I didn't realise

like cheese is is it important is it a grocery is it like a in with milk and bread? No, I don't think so.

Right, because the reason I ask this is because I've always seen it as something that if it's there, it's there. If it's not, it's not. But it's not a staple. Yeah. Right?

But I went to Rouge's house when his dad went on holiday when he was about 15, right? And he had a letter and the letter was above like a 20 pound note and he was like he has a bit of money

in case he wrote out a milk and cheese. And I'm like he could have just said milk. Like he's not going to be like three money in case he went out with milk and cheese and I'm like you could have just said milk like he's not going to be like three days in going oh fuck

I want a cheese where's my cheddar because with milk you put it in your cereal you fucking put it in your tea you put it in your cereal you put it in your tea you can

that's not necessary like I think it's bread and milk and cereal would be before cheese yeah toilet paper but then again in Blythe did you wipe your ass with cheese when you ran out of toilet paper Bread and milk. Yeah. And cereal would be before cheese. Yeah.

Toilet paper. But then again, in Blythe, did you wipe your ass with cheese when you ran out of toilet paper? Before, just for your own entertainment. At Natalie's house, I had a shower in the fucking room that got infiltrated by that stranger in episode four. So I had a shower in his room. And then I saw there wasn't a towel in the bathroom. So I popped my head around the door and went Daniel there's no towels

in the bathroom can you pass us a newspaper and he just came out and shooed like a dog for me it's totally not I've not always been

a big fucking fan I used to hate cheese when I was a kid I used to scrape cheese off the top of pizzas all I wanted was tomato what a fucking weirdo oh it was totally weird

totally weird it's like melted cheese is the fucking tip it's like bad for you so you try to avoid it but like no my thing was like honestly whole childhoods like my whole job i'd scrape off lasagna i love lasagna you just wanted tomato ketchup on bread yeah but i wanted the meat as well i just didn't like the cheese but it was just because it got in my head that i didn't like cheese oh so like because even though it was completely different than the cheese you would have in a sandwich you know how stubborn I am stupidly stubborn

to a point so like I'd rather be right in my own head than right in the real world yeah you get heckled by a 70 year old in Kilmarnock

and you won't go back and gig in Kilmarnock until you can guarantee that that guy's dead no until I get a letter from Kilmarnock council guaranteeing me that he is dead

and that I can open the show with me dancing on his grave so you reckon like when he's technically 100 you're just going to assume he's dead and that I can open the show with me dancing on his grave. So you reckon like when he's technically 100 you're just going to assume he's dead and you're going to do the... I need all of Kilmarnock to apologise because they let it happen. There were other people in that crowd who allowed that old

man to heckle a fucking 17 year old child during his first ever hour on stage because he didn't like the fact that I said cunt and that was it. And he just heckled and it wasn't helpful, it was just... We had that someone get offended by the word cunt fact that I said cunt and that was it. And he just heckled. And it wasn't helpful. It was just... We had that someone can get offended by the word cunt but then be a cunt. What you did was a word.

What he did was an action. He's doing the actions of a cunt. You just said it. It's one of the things that I... It's like I'm saying, you're not allowed to say rape and then rape someone. It's okay saying it.

It's worse to do it. I mean, it's not like that, by the way. None of these opinions are mine. However... They are those of the BBC, though. Yes, the BBC. Oh, you're an apology, quick smart. For me, with the swearing and stuff,

which is... I've always wanted to put an age limit on my shows for no over 65s. Generally, for so long, I've wanted to do a rule which is like, if you're over the age of 65, you're not allowed to my show unless you say the word cunt knuckle at the door. Yeah, that's a cool disclaimer because I've found with the punch drunk gigs, there's tons of cool old dudes like...

Oh, there's totally. I did a gig at a fucking... across the road from a funeral home in a fucking bowling club and I was like 19. And I just walked out and it was just over 65s and I had a fucking belt I did filth

and I was totally wrong I had it in my head and afterwards and I'm not shitting you bitch was 92 if she was a day she came over to me and like the woman that hit me with a walking stick

she was like that but she had the whole Zimmer frame so I thought I was like oh she's going to hit me with the Zimmer frame, I might die here. She comes over and she goes, you know you don't say shit enough. And I'm like, legend, legend.

I love that she's just going to gigs and funerals. Just nearby, just in case. So I understand that prejudice in my head is prejudice, but every time I've had a bad heckler that gets offended by something stupid, it's always an old person. It's weird, like, cantankerous old people. It's like, do you think this is the...

Do you think these are the old guys that have just failed? You know, because there's no natural selection no more. You can survive. You can get to an old age and you just go, ah, I've been shit. I've been a shit person. And it just manifests and you just become cunty. But it's the idea of like,

when people go, oh, it's dirty language, we can't say it. So don't say it during the watershed because, you know, don't say it in front of kids. You can teach your kids not to swear, but this idea that

kids love swearing. Like, people go, don't swear in front of my kids. I'm like, why? Because they'll laugh. I've got brothers that are 10 and 12 years younger than I am. When they were seven,

saying the word cunt in front of them was the funniest thing in the world. Kids are not offended for me I've always because I saw comedy from such a young age I went to see it live with my dad and stuff

and they were like you can't come in there was one time during the fringe one of my favourite memories of my dad I was about 13 years old and he took me to the

fringe one night and we went to see this late night show this was the line up all pre-famous Mike Wilmont Daryl O'Brien John Bishop Reg Reg D. Hunter

and Adam Bloom all doing 15s this is like 2003 so none of them are the names they are now and before I go in, second 11 gig the guy at the door is like, to my dad how old is your son? and he goes 13 and he goes I can't allow him to come in

he's not drinking he's like yeah but there's the age limits on the thing he goes yeah but I don't, that doesn't matter he goes what, it't allow him to come in. And I was like, he's not drinking. He's like, yeah, but there's the age limits on the thing. He goes, yeah, but I don't, that doesn't matter. He goes, what? It's my, he's my son. The guy goes, there's going to be a lot of swearing and rude language. And my dad just turned to me and went, shit, bugger, fuck, cunt, bastard. He's heard them all.

Can he come in now? And the person just went, yeah, all right, yeah, yeah. What are swear words? We're just like, I understand you don't want your words we're just like understand you don't want your kid to say fuck but you don't want your kid to say sex either if you mean sex

you know like you don't want your kid to like it's the context that should count not the swear word like if he's saying shit he's just saying poo

I've had a shit he's had a poo he's communicating himself in a way that he's letting you know what's happened and the reason swear words have power

is because people still react to them. And then the kid's like, oh fuck, if I say shit then it's going to mean something. It's going to provoke a reaction. I've sworn from a very young age and again another great thing my parents absolutely loved to pieces because the way they raised me

was just so fascinating. I remember when I was, I think I was 10 and I said fuck in front of my mum and she went you can't say that and i went why not and she just went hey i don't know and my dad just went you can't tell him not to do something unless you can justify why and she was like because the teachers will be mad but why no no i don't know that's what she said she went all right well you just don't do it in front of your gran because it'll upset her. And don't do it at school because I don't want to have to come in.

And those were two valid reasons. I went, all right. Not to be in front of them people. And as well, kids swearing is funny. It makes me laugh. Dude, have you seen the video of that six-year-old? What's it say? Fuck your Mitsubishi, there's a horse outside.

I thought you were saying... No, it's the Rubber Bandits song. Yeah. Fuck your Subaru, There's a horse outside I thought you were saying No it's the rubber bandit song Yeah Fuck your Subaru I got a horse outside But there's this six year old Cute as a fucking button Just going

Fuck your Subaru I got a horse outside It's fucking hilarious My little brother What's the one you thought was though? I thought it was the little kid saying Fuck off monkey Have you not seen the Safari Park?

Nah I looked that up Oh right People will understand He's in the Safari Park A monkey jumps on the car He goes Oh no monkey on the car And will understand he's in the safari park a monkey jumps on the car he goes oh no monkey on the car and his dad goes

oh what do we say to the monkey and the studio just goes fuck off monkey hysterical yes Matthew

my younger brother the older one yeah eldest younger brother yeah he was huge fan of Thomas the Tank Engine when we were kids like when we were two years old

loved it my gran nearly had a fucking heart attack because he went she went who's your favorite thomas the tank engine and he went the fat cunt the fat cunt the fat cunt roller and i was gone but i got in trouble for laughing at it yeah because like you made that what it was because when he heard me laughing he started saying it like that it's the same thing I had a friend Kyle around when Matthew was two

and we were babysitting and my mum doesn't know this story this is awful this is a terrible story but fuck it anyway Matthew's two years old

my friend Kyle we're just playing with Matthew and he's loving it we're wrestling and stuff and he's getting used to words and Kyle I leave

I swear to god I leave the room for 30 seconds. I come back in and he's just taught Matthew to say, Matthew wank himself. So I walk in and my two-year-old goes, Matthew wank himself. And I laugh.

And that's all it needs. And then just, we had to spend two hours conditioning him by saying, Matthew brushes teeth and laughing hysterically at Matthew brushes teeth. Just so he would say that instead. So mum and dad come home. And he goes, mummy, daddy, guess what? Matthew brushes teeth and laughing hysterically at Matthew brushes teeth. Yeah. Just so he would say that instead. So mum and dad come home. All right. And he goes,

mummy, daddy, guess what? Matthew brushes teeth. And my parents go, Oh, he's doing a good job of babysitting. Good boy.

He's wondering why mum and dad aren't laughing. Yeah. They were. I'm fucking killing it. Yeah. Mum and dad are a tough crowd. Anyway, I'll try my old stuff.

Matthew wanking. Yeah. Back to cheese. Do you agree agree like just the going on about how much you like about cheese the thing we constantly

gripe about is when you try and make a defining part of your personality just something just a bit shit you're trying to be unique yeah because I like

loving cheese is not unique yeah I like cheese it's not my identity most controversial statement on the podcast it's not my identity I Most controversial statement on the podcast. It's not my identity.

I'm not about the cheese. I'm not about the cheese. But I'll eat it. I'll get a donut. Sometimes I'll buy it. No. Sometimes I'll just eat other people's. I fucking hate so much of other people's cheese.

I swear to God, it's such a sociable food that people give you. I've definitely ate more cheese that belongs to other people than your own cheese. Easily. Yeah. I've paid for 30% of the cheese I've eaten. Less, I belongs to other people than your own cheese easily yeah

easily I've paid for 30% of the cheese I've eaten less I reckon I reckon less than 10 fucking thief less than 10% yeah

unless it's like an ingredient in something like a pie or pizza macaroni and cheese but you know if I'm talking like the ingredient the product

yep also Nick Cody and his girlfriend Lucha are listening to this I know last night you said that sometimes I specify things in Muggle Corner specifically for you guys. I can assure you, wink wink, that this is not aimed at you. Natalie got really excited that her and Cody's Looch are both Scorpios.

So they both need to stand in the corner, even though Looch had nothing to do with that apart from being a Scorpio. Yeah. Get in the corner, Looch. Get in the corner, Natalie. Yeah, you both. No, but Looch does believe in star signs. Yeah, we are more reason to spend time in the corner. Right. Looking at the stars, you muggle. I love you, Looch.

So I've got a muggle corner right here. People on Facebook that script their conversations that happened in their life, right? So, you know, if you script it like me, train conductor, with a colon, as if it's a script, right? It's got gotta be fucking brilliant for future reference all train conductors have colons I've checked

all of them yeah you got your ticket I'm gonna punch a hole in that I'm gonna punch a hole in that so yeah if you're scripting a conversation

if you're gonna take that format it better be good I didn't want to just say a conversation that you had going to take that format it better be good I didn't want to just say a conversation that you had that was fucking mundane yeah and it happens a lot I see

I see comedians do it I see well because sometimes comedians use Facebook to put it like it's trying material I said that

but I also don't believe you that in the writing of it you didn't paint yourself as the hero like yeah like because I'm aware the way i tell stories i'm always the hero in fact i would say that you're probably being good we're talking

about this at one night the reason you're so funny oh it was me and tom were saying it was about you and barry casanola who's another excellent fucking comedian is you do you've got no desire to be the hero in the stories you tell. The way you talk about your childhood and stuff, none of it's you're the hero. If everyone's laughing, you don't care if you're the butt of the joke because you're just happy that everyone's laughing. I can't get that narcissism out of my head.

I like telling stories where I should be the victim, but I don't feel like the victim, so it's fine. I don't want anyone's pity when I'm telling a sub-story. That's a great way to put it. It's always like, this is something funny. It's pity when I'm telling a sub story it's always like it's as if I'm telling a story about it happening to someone else but it happened to me the victim that way

just on that note can I tell the kite story just quickly I know we've done it on stage but it is when I went to Norfolk with me this is just one of the best stories if you've seen me and Kai do our double act you've heard this story but you won't mindad Harry. This is just one of the best stories. If you've seen me and Kai do our double act, you've heard this story, but you won't mind it again, but this is just my... Kai told

me this story in the car when we were driving home from Gig in Cardiff, and I had to pull over the car because I was laughing so hard. I'll do the short version of it. So hold on, I'll just fill in. I've got two grandads. One who's passed away, who was me, like, I wouldn't swear in front of that grandad, you know, he taught us how to play chess, he always wore shirt and tie and everything, he was a respectable

like, ex-REF dude, right? So that granddad on my mom's side who uh takes his t-shirt off to eat his sunday dinner so he can get gravy and fucking mash down his top right and then he goes in the shower after his fucking dinner what a fucking legend i have got i have got like a fucking devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other in my childhood with my grandparents the devil because he's there and they inj angel because you're the granddad's dead exactly that fucking you'd be laughing at this fucking podcast from the ether so you were your granddad uh the one that still lived that one he's uh it takes you and he takes me and gav on holiday on a caravan holiday with him and his wife who's younger than me ma'am. Yeah. Right. Who I call auntie because she's younger than me ma'am.

Yeah. And it just. So I grew up like where me grandad's fucking me auntie. And obviously fine with this. Totally normal. Just totally normal how me grandad and me auntie. Picking up on the daily. They're married like.

Yeah. It's not incest. They're married. It's not incest. They're from Blythe. Yeah. And so at one point how old were you

at this point young yeah single figures right so we'll say about 8 years old so

Kai's grandad and his auntie go into the bedroom of the caravan and go Kai you stay here and watch TV and the caravan

starts rocking once they're in this bedroom and Kai being young and naive obviously doesn't know what this is but he's freaking out because the caravan's shaking and they're in this bedroom. And Kai, being young and naive, obviously doesn't know what this is, but he's freaking out because the caravan's shaking. And he just goes, Grandad! Grandad! Someone's shaking the caravan!

And his grandad, from the throes of passion, just shouts out, Eh, it's just the wind! And the seven-year-old Kai just goes, Oh, great! I'll get me kite! I went outside with me kite and I couldn't get it to take off I'm looking at the caravan the wind rocking it

it would be well your kite is like a fucking dead dog in a lead so that's my example the way you told that story to me was so funny because it was it wasn't traumatising or sad it was just the honesty and the innocence of it back then,

and now the fact that you are able to laugh at it is what makes... It's such a, like, thing, I didn't find out what was happening to me at the Caravan Rock until I was like, oh, yeah, just like at the age of 20 or something, and I'm just remembering that moment, and you're like, ah, fuck. It just shines a completely different light on it. I remember, same thing, you know, you're like ah fuck yeah you've just changed a completely different light on it I remember

same thing you know you're going on about remembering stuff in the past sorry to keep no I'm not to go off I remember

and mum and dad I'm so sorry you probably don't remember this but I do because it only worked out what happened a couple of years ago

I remember being like nine years old walking into my mum and dad's room like on Saturday morning oh no it was probably about six or seven Saturday morning when Josie was still dad's room on Saturday morning oh no it was probably about 6 or 7

Saturday morning when Josie was still alive my sister, every Saturday morning I loved because I'd go into bed with my mum and dad, Josie would be there and we'd all go down to McDonald's and get McDonald's pancake breakfast, I loved it it was every Saturday, one of the highlights of my childhood every Saturday was fucking tradition

I remember one Saturday morning Josie's still asleep, so I'm just early, I walk in, and there's a condom, and I know now that it's a condom beside the bed, a used one, there. But I'm nine, about six or seven. Sorry, I must have missed a step in the story

because in my head it's still in McDonald's. No, no, sorry, sorry. I was just saying that I love Saturday mornings. That was the tradition. So this particular Saturday morning head you're still in McDonald's and just no no sorry sorry I was just saying I love Saturday mornings that was the tradition so this particularly Saturday morning before we go to McDonald's I wake

up Josie's still in bed so I'm just the first one into the bedroom because kids have no concept of privacy the door's shut I'm like yay I walk in and

there's a used condom on the bedside table and I go what's that and my mum quick as a fucking bird just goes oh it's just it's just a balloon right and I go what's that and my mum quick as a fucking bird just goes oh it's just it's just a

balloon right and I go oh dad will you blow it up for me and my mum starts giggling and my dad's like go on Martin your mum's egging him up yeah yeah can you make a can you make a giraffe out of that one Martin it's a water bomb fill it up make a lava lamp but yeah so just to get back to the Milgo thing pitching these stories is

if you set it as a script yeah because I think like you know even if you saw the funniest sitcom in script form it probably wouldn't make you laugh out loud right

yeah because because it's in script form you're taking a lot of the fucking beauty of the story away from it by setting it up as he said she said so if you're form you're taking a lot of the fucking beauty of the story away from it by setting it up as he said she said so if you're

if you're putting something that you could just have as like a nice little story and you're putting it in I said this you said that and I read that and it's just mundane

and it's just something that happened in your day you wasted my time I've just read a little bit I feel like I've pitched something shit to us yeah yeah you've also just at one point

it's like I've just read a draft I should never have made it to fucking print it's kind of like you just during the day when I was at dinner with friends you FaceTimed me just to not to talk to me

but just to show me what you were doing talking to the woman at the Greggs counter just go oh look there's me table and chairs no FaceTime is for so anyway it's like if

I think if you're going to pitch something as a script on Facebook it's fucking banging out the park Even if you have to lie You know I totally agree It's got to be hilarious Otherwise I'm just fucking reading

Like The minutes of your day Yeah yeah With a What's the word Photographer Cartographer No that draws maps

Yeah what's the The Something photographer And it's got the Yeah you know When you're in court and they've got like the 4k's

and they can type with the 4k's how do you learn them do them 4k's do every letter I don't think it's just for every combination I think it's like

is it like 4 or 5k's it is isn't it because it just looks like they're fucking playing with a tape recorder you know it's got like the play, pause, eject just decks

they just hide just funny and all recording it but being a dick I keep pausing it so yeah totally agree if you post

stuff that's happened in your you like to talk about your day but if you script your day and pictures that you're

that's a quite muggly thing to do I've totally done it but yeah muggle corner we're going to speed up I didn't realize how fucking

let's fly this one is from Aaron McCann on Twitter but Aaron McCann is one is from Aaron McCann on Twitter but Aaron McCann is not a number Aaron McCann I don't know if

you've met Aaron yeah yeah I met him way before you did Northern Irish comic very young he put us up on his couch

right so he's like I'll put you up on my couch I'll see you again in Belfast this is what's fucking great

with stand up there's always somewhere for you to crash you've got a fraternity I never met the boy he realised that I would need a place

to stay off of me his couch but the couch he put us on was a student accommodation so he had like other students

in the flat in that common room just fucking sleeping where they play FIFA just having a wank watching like college porn

being like that could be you I'm sorry I'm a can it was as well because I'm much older than him as well I was like 10 years older than him

I was just fucking hey there's a man in the living room well thanks for your coach Aaron I know you listen to the podcast

you're a fucking dude thank you Aaron great comic he supported me on tour genuinely fucking funny comic but he gets mugged off Aaron, great comic. He supported me on tour. Genuinely fucking funny comic.

But he gets mugged off on later. Here's one that he said. I'm going to pitch it and then I'll explain the backstory. Muggles comment on friendship statuses on Facebook things like, is this the girl you were talking about? And where this comes from is, I do it with both Adam Rowe

and I do it with Aaron McCann, which is, I don't know what sentence they've got on their Facebook but whenever they become friends with someone I never see it

come up for anyone else it's only Adam Rowe and it's only Aaron McCann and it comes out and it goes Aaron McCann

is now friends with now whenever it is a girl that they become friends with me and a bunch of Northern Irish comics being like

Aaron is this girl you're on about is this girl you text me about oh I'm so glad mate oh Jesus finally you

can stop fucking harping on about her because Aaron's one of the he's doing what you do with Facebook anyone he's accepting all friend requests sort of thing making

that his fucking page so it's coming through all the time so it might be a girl that he's never met on that scene never met and just weird picture

and all they get is all of his close friends being like oh is this the one you want to propose to have you got the ring yet oh I've had a good idea we could like get is all of his close friends being like oh is this the one you want to propose to have you got the ring yet oh I've had a good idea we could like

get a picture of the girl from one of our not a profile photo but like a photo like deep down in a thing right change my name

and your phone to Aaron McCann I'll text you the picture going oh this girl that I've hooked up with right so that when you screen cap it

and put it on his post the girl will see the post where it looks like you've been chatting to Aaron about the girl oh Aaron I bet you're devastated like you've been chatting to Aaron about the girl. Oh, Aaron, I bet you're devastated that you brought this up. Yeah, and when you said muggles do that, I think the word you were looking for was legends.

Yeah, so it's not Muggle Corner. You're absolutely not correct. Legends do this. I did one with Adam Rowe, but I couldn't post the photo. It would have ended Adam Rowe's life. Adam Rowe, great Liverpudlian comic. He we did the same thing. We became friends with this fucking girl

and everyone was going on it. Now I, there's an app that you can have which you can create fake WhatsApp conversations. So I go in, I take Adam's picture on his WhatsApp conversation, I put it in, you can put the times in. And I did exactly that fucking thing of you know it's me going oh congrats to make friends with girls like oh i'm so excited i can't wait and i'm

like great buddy just play it cool and then him just reply and be like oh i don't know if i can she's so pretty and it's been so long since i've had sex right and then one and so like i said our conversation ended like 1am and then just at 1am his last message to me is can i support you on tour and then two days later daniel daniel right and i made that thing and i was like i'm gonna end his life and facebook wouldn't let me post the photo you can't comment with a photo if you're not friends with both people so i sent it to adam rowe and he was like mate you've got no idea i would have had to have deleted facebook yeah it Facebook yeah gross oh that's a horrible app that you can fake conversations

it's so good you could end lives with it because I've done that before where I've changed the name of like the person I'm with

I've changed it to the person I'm doing it with I didn't realise you could get an app for that the app's great that's a great idea

but so no that does not belong in Muggle Corn Anna McCann you in fact are a Muggle Muggles get upset by that cracking banter so off in the corner

you go you Northern Irish fuck what's your second one yeah so I've got two very similar ones for the next one so could be able

to fly through these guilty as well it's when you merge words and obviously the fucking main one is Brexit at the minute

the British exit why don't people what's the real term for that just the referendum the leave referendum. Well yeah. Fuck man.

Brexit is like it's just so corny yet you've like put it it's caught on and like people are talking about a huge thing.

Like penal. Penal's a good one. Fucking good one. Another one's brunch. Obviously brunch is probably the most common one. Oh but I feel like brunch is an actual thing now. But it's breakfast and lunch. It's brunch. Obviously brunch is probably the most common one. Oh, but I feel like brunch is an actual thing now. But it's breakfast and lunch.

It's brunch. It's caught on. There's manscaping. Sheeple. Sheeple. Mocktails. Mocktails. Going to have breakfast mocktails for brunch.

Cucumberella. Man, that is a fucking Kickstarter campaign If I've ever heard one Right A cucumber A cucumber I guarantee

Because people Donate to stupid shit Right You can have a great idea No one will finance it But if you go Here's a dumb thing Like

They'll tell you If you just pitch You've invented an umbrella But the handle is A cucumber And you call it If you I guarantee you patent that Right You go on Kickstarter I guarantee you make 10 grand Well but the handle is a cucumber and you call it if you i guarantee

you patent that right you go on kickstarter i guarantee you make 10 well you know you put a cucumber on your henry's gin yeah and you put an umbrella on cocktails oh you put all of your fucking cucumber on cocktails for brunch that's have all your frenemies mate we need to delete this podcast we can't release this it's actually genius i would i drink gin if you put a cucumber and that's what it was called Like a thing In the cucumber Behind your chin I'll buy it for a grand

I'm drunk on gin I'll sell you one Yeah okay Yeah But I do like I don't know if it's the same thing But I've always enjoyed Combining swear words

I think we've spoken about Fucktard That's what it is Bass fucking tard Right I always think Yeah for me I think a lot of people Get offended by spoken about Fucktard That's what it is Bass fucking tard Right I always think Yeah for me I think a lot of people

Get offended by the word fucktard Because they assume That the tard part Came from retard And for me fucktard Was always just Fuck Combined with bastard

Ah right Yeah because people As well you know Do you know Retard's been like Totally misused It just means like IQ less than

Oh I've got I've got such a problem with people who get offended uh by uh the word uh retard because for me words do change over history they lose their fucking meanings doug stanhope's got a great bit in his new special about this go watch that like imagine the word muggle become powerful but it meant something else like muggle ended up like being twisted and turned by pop culture and i mean and like people with special needs and additional needs right and then all of a sudden this podcast from the 2016 was saying muggle willy-nilly and people just think we're horrific but it's just because the word's been morphed and then and then people are

going it was a different time back then like yeah it's a different time they're all cunts yeah but we'll still be cunts in the future I touched on that in my show last year which is like when my sister was born the doctor said to my mother your daughter is spasticated right

because that's the dictionary definition term for what Josie had there was nothing bad about the word spasticated it had nothing to do with that now it would be so

unprofessional but it's only until a bunch of cunts heard the word spasticated started calling people that weren't spasticated spastics and then we all got uncomfortable like cunts make words offensive words are not inherently

offensive and for me the reason i don't i don't use the word retard just because i don't want the i don't want the the fire back for it but to me as somebody who had a sister with a disability when you say the word retard i do not think of my sister, right? There's no association to me. To me, retard has always made me... You think of Elliot Steele? Yeah. It doesn't... And I understand to other people, like, it's different.

Like, if you grew up, you know, being called it. Like, it's the same thing with the homophobic terms, like, you know... Oh, man, if I call one of my mates gay, right, that's because they're straight and I'm taking their identity for them you know I'm taking their identity I'm not offending them I'm just saying like that's a straight man if I call him gay that's something he's not

but the reason that people do get upset by it and understand is the fact that you didn't grow up where you were insulted for being gay when you weren't gay, right? So that's what you got offended.

But if you are gay and you're growing up and people insult you for being gay, they're actually insulting who you are to your core. They're saying what you are.

They're not taking your identity. They're stamping on your identity. Yeah, they're stamping on your identity. So that's what, so when you use the word gay to insult someone who's not gay and that's why,

because I do try and like lessen how much i you know it's inherently in my head from when i was a kid we all did it yeah but it is something i'm like and i understand with retard it's the same like if you grew up and you know you uh you you know you weren't as disabled as my sister and you people did call you mong or spastic or whatever when you hear those words used casually by people you like, you're like, you don't understand the weight, you don't understand how much those words crushed me when I was young.

And it's such a difficult topic to discuss because... Because you've got to say the words to discuss it. You've got to say the words. And people are already buzzing like, buzzword, buzzword. Let's stop being serious because none of us know

what we're talking about you know what's funny with like words like obviously if you say bitch that's gender specific you're talking about a girl right

because a female dog is a bitch right but you know the word bird isn't gender specific so let's make that broad I'm not any bird you're my bird I'm not

yeah you are you're a bird don't be a first people hey you're my bird I'm not Yeah you are Don't be for Steve-O Hey you're my little My little magpie One for sorrow Was that You did that one

Yeah okay Let's quickly go through The last one Hold on I can give you my last one In quick succession Because it's very similar Shortening words

To totes for dick Totes for mosh Totes for grey Totes for grey I think it's for props back totes for mosh? Oh, totes agree. Totes agree? Yeah. I think it's for props back. I think it's, I think it's supes annoying.

Just get in the muggle corner if you do that. And my final one is just very, there is an exemption to this, but muggles go to other people's house to see their Christmas decorations

like their Christmas lights outside their house. You're exempt if you have children. You think the children. Right? Because to kids that's magical. Right? To kids,

they're going to see this amazing house but you're 40, you know Darren did that. It's just, do it yourself. Your kids are like, oh my God,

this is a magical, you've got, you could do that. Yeah, this isn't magical to you, you've got your head around electricity and purchases.

Yeah, you've got a mortgage, you know how much that costs, you're just there tutting like, oh, someone's rolling in it. So Natalie's got a Christmas tree up which we're looking at right now. Yeah, you've got a mortgage. You know how much that costs. You're just there tutting like, oh, someone's rolling in it.

Natalie's got a Christmas tree up which we're looking at right now. Oh, for fun. Purple and gold baubles. It's very nice. And I come in yesterday, got changed and shit and went back out to Matilda and she was like,

do you like the Christmas tree? I was like, the Christmas tree? I didn't see a Christmas tree. It's there, look at it. It's massive. It's a massive, it takes up, yeah, it's in the corner of the room. You know see a Christmas tree. It's there, look at it. It's massive. It's a massive, it takes up,

yeah, it's in the corner of the room. You know what I did notice? It's in the corner, you have to stand in for not noticing it. You know, there was a shelf in that corner before there was a Christmas tree

and the shelf's now there next to you. Oh, so it is? I saw that. Is that where that came from? Yeah. Oh dear, okay. Fucking hell,

you're as bad as me. So I saw that shelf and went, oh, they've moved the shelf. It used to be in that corner. Didn't even acknowledge that Christmas tree. Who's your friend?

Like, honestly, I might be special. No, but the thing, like, I was, but that's, if she ever complains about you being like, you didn't notice

my new haircut, you could move house and I probably wouldn't notice. I mean, I can't even guarantee that you're the same girl I started going out with four years ago.

I might be cheating. I think I might have accidentally replaced you five times. Right, so we'll go through those three muggle things. Well, only five, because Aaron McCann's was not a muggle thing. If you are guilty of any of the following things, in the corner for 30 seconds. If you go on about how much you like cheese, you're fine to like cheese. Just don't make it who defines you, you fucking muggle. And if you go to other people's houses

to see their Christmas decorations and lights without kids, and some of you are like, who does it without kids? Trust me, people do it without kids. You're a muggle. Get in the corner for this. And if you're scripting conversations on Facebook,

make it good or you're a fucking muggle and I'll get totes of mosh because it's ridiculous. And if you have fucking brunch mocktails, we have frenemies at Brexit where they're manscaping I think I am in yeah I'm in the corner

for a minute for those two merging them words is so corny I do all the time it's so corny but like when people stop seeing the corny

side of it and stop using them with a sense of irony the way we talk with Cucumberella we're talking about like being dickish it's like a pun

it's a pun but the minute you let it catch on and you start using it in your lexicon yeah it's like when people combine pun but the minute you let it catch on and you start using it in your lexicon yeah it's like when people combine like couples names

like you know it's Brangelina like I mean it'd be like me calling you Natalie like Natagimp that was terrible that was so bad

in I think we're gonna have to we've only got time for your dad jokes we can do the next game on Monday should we just go straight into your dad jokes because I do have to going to have to we've only got time for your dad jokes we can do the next game on Monday should we just go straight into your dad jokes

because I do have to get to Soho and we've rambled on for loads your dad jokes we may incite each other's dads for being our dads I'll go first your dad stands on top

of the yellow pages to kiss the milkman your dad's catchphrase is they don't call me hot lips for nothing. They don't. There's a reason for it. He's got a point.

And you know his reason when he uses his catchphrase. And that's before he kisses you he just rubs them. Gets them nice and warm. Pulls a light on the other. Your dad uses wall-mounted dildos with suction cups to keep his balance in the shower. And I'm not being like handles.

I mean like he puts one on the wall, just backs into it and just... Pulls himself up. Rectally. Your dad's scared of monsters. Who isn't? They're monsters. They're monsters. They don't exist.

Oh, but if they did though... Your dad's scared of them anyway. They're monsters. They don't exist. Oh, but if they did, though... Yeah, that scared them anyway. Right, okay. The thought of them. Takes them to his bed. Just sees loads of his support dildos. On your mum and dad's wedding anniversary, your dad got up early,

boiled the kettle, made some toast, snuck back into your mum's bedroom and put the kettle on your mum's face and said we're out of bread oh hush your dad filled a condom

full of drugs and smuggled it on a flight up his nose oh maybe maybe they weren't having sex when I walked in when I was seven maybe they were just on the rack all night

they were fucking trying to get some drugs to Thailand your dad naps at Ikea in the cupboard not even in the bed your dad makes coffee in the pan your dad had to

wear a lampshade on his head after his vasectomy so he wouldn't lick the stitches your dad's safe where is Daniel and he uses it while he's wanking after his vasectomy so he wouldn't lick the stitches. Your dad's safe wear is Daniel and he uses it while he's wanking. Your dad uses a Ouija board

to sext your dead grandad. Cold-blooded. Your dad uses his glove box to keep gloves in. He puts his cloak in the cloak room, but he uses baby oil on his dick. I think this is proof enough that your dad's got a baby dick. No, where do you think I got mine from? Your mum.

One thing to say about you Daniel Is you've got your You've got your mam's dick You've got your mam's dick In your dad's tits You've got your dad's finances Too real Your dad has never lost A ring up his own arsehole

But he has found seven Your dad's got a pay-as-you-go phone So every week he buys one of them scratch card things And then when he doesn't win He doesn't buy himself a top of card for his phone Your dad cried when the singing kettle broke up your dad dials 100

and asks the operator to reverse charges when he calls babe station that's smart did he used to reverse charges did he do that

I don't know if he can still do it it's something I used to do like if I was like finish rugby there's a kid I'd like dial 100

and that guy like reverse charges for the same as my parents number and then you'd hear the operator

talking to your mum reverse charges and you'd hear your mum just go on then I don't have a son

he's like it's gonna cost a quid could've just took ten pence your dad leaves comments on Pornhub do people actually do that yeah because there's a comment option but I've never seen your dad leaves comments on Pornhub.

Do people actually do that? Yeah. Because there's a comment option. But I've never seen the comment. Oh, I have. I've seen there's a share option as well. Who's fucking putting that on Facebook? We'll leave them to stay on. And no,

it's comments. It's just people being like, oh man, love this video. Oh man, wish that was me. Just sad, lonely men.

Like your dad. I share a porn, I didn't share a porn i told mattie about this porn star like who was fucking probably stunning right and i was just like oh dude i think i found my new favorite porn star and i text mattie and then when i went run mattie hadn't checked out yet and he's like oh i'm gonna check out this porn star but like there was stuff i'd been watching there's just like some softcore stuff it was more about how stunning she was yeah it was just it was just her like solo masturbating, classy stuff. It was just like a proper stunner, getting her head off, it was good to watch, you know right. So Matty was like, I'll check this bird

out right. He types her name in, in the first video that come up right, man after man after man, she's just up that right and then she shot it into a saucer and slipped the asspunk out of the saucer and Maddie Maddie was just there going she was calling she was calling

the iPod I think I've got one more dad joke yeah no you should have two oh no one more yeah one more dad joke Yeah No you should have two Oh no one more yeah One more Your dad's currently on his hands and knees

At Spearmint Rhino Right now This minute On his hands and knees Looking for an earring That he lost last night Your dad had a dream He was eating a giant marshmallow

But was devastated When he woke up And found out your mum Hadn't left him. I didn't get it. It was your mum and marshmallow? No, it was just a misdirection. He wants your mum to leave him every night.

He's devastated. So you eat marshmallows? Well, no, the classic joke is like, I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up and the pillow was gone. So I wanted to make you believe I was... Ah, I've never heard that joke. You've never heard that joke?

Ah, that's why. So the joke is I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up, the pillow was gone. So I wanted to make you believe I was... Ah, I've never heard that joke. You've never heard that joke? Ah, that's why. So the joke is I had a dream. I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up. My pillow was gone. So I was doing that joke. So I thought you were going to assume. And I was like...

But in his dream... You know, one time I put some like... Reversed some jokes and put them on Facebook. But didn't realise quite how stuck they were. It's, you know, when someone goes... What are you doing chatting during a comedy gig? So the comedian it's you know when someone goes what are you doing chatting during a comedy gig so the comedian

will say to the punter what are you doing talking during a comedy gig you wouldn't go into a brothel and have a wank right so I started reverse engineering all of them

going I was having a wank in the brothel and then comedy club would just come around and I'd just like reverse engineered all of them jokes but then just looked like

I was being really passive aggressive about a heckler and no one got it so in like 2010 i put like six out in a row on facebook and just all of them bombed are you excited for like it i mean i think everyone had to know what are you excited are you excited for a couple months when facebook is like kai relive this status and you're like nah i might delete it um we are not on tour uh but we are gigging. I am in,

this is going out on Thursday, which means the shows you can see I have left in Soho are Thursday, Friday, Saturday, which I'm pretty sure are sold out. I think some left, there'll be promoter holds left, so you can get in on those.

The gig's been great so far. Thank you for coming. And then we're in Austria doing Arl Tud. It's still not too late to come. I'm going to be in Barnsley on Friday. Oh, cool. Yeah.

So if there's anyone in Barnsley, there's not much else to do. Just want to hang out. Yeah, if you want to just go to Nando's. Nando's and chill. And then I'm going to be in Hartlepool on the Saturday. Hartlepool, where? At the Town Hall.

Right. So you can come see us, but if you don't want to come see us live, we really do we love the feedback for the podcast because it's what makes us keep doing it

I had a guy in Soho last night after the show which just came up afterwards and he was like cream and I was like amazing like that's the funniest thing

in the world and then he was he was like ah how's the show going I loved it I thought it was great it's been a good run I was like yeah

and then you turned up and you should have seen the joy in his face, he's like, oh, Muggins is here too. Oh yeah, you come up, you tell him he's been travelling,

and he'd been listening to the podcast, while he's been travelling. So we love the feedback, we love the suggestions, so keep it all coming, share it. Hey, there's something we've got to do as well,

we've got to go, we're splitting up, the fucking, is this it? We're going to break up, and you're going to go to LA, and I'm going to go to Australia, in the middle of january so we're gonna need to get a new kit and podcast equipment there's like a couple hundred pounds worth of gear um i'm gonna put it to you guys fucking if

you want to buy my show that'll put towards it yeah like loads of podcasts i've got like patreon pages where people can donate and stuff like that um if i can sell like 10 20 copies of my show over the next week off the back of this little plug here then we'll have the podcast equipment yeah that's a great show so basically

then you get a show out of it I'm not mugging 10 quid off you yeah so basically if for the next week you go on Kai's website and buy his show for 10 pounds buy it as a Christmas present

for someone it's a nice secret Santa present a good stocking filler if you want me in your stockings we will then use I want to be in your stockings too we'll then use that money to buy a second recorder and two other mics so that means two things one when we go on our separate on tour we can still uh kai's going to take over the

mondays i'm going to take over the thursdays but what's more exciting when we do reunite in australia is it means uh we will have four microphones that means we can have guests on the podcast and what that means is unlike other podcasts when we have guests on it they means we can have guests on the podcast. And what that means is, unlike other podcasts, when they have guests on it, they're nice to their guests, we want to make sure that... All of the darkest, deepest stories come out. Oh, no, but we're just going to be horrible to it. We're horrible to each other on this podcast,

and it's going to be the exact same fucking thing. Let's turn this into a fucking wolf pit. A roast. So thank you for that. You can buy my show on kaihunfries.com forward slash shop. But apart from that, you guys have been great. Yes, you have.

A bit quiet this podcast, but you were all right. Thanks very much. Love you. Bye.