Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.21 Guest who?

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

Muggins normally writes these descriptions but odds are he's dead. So it's Cream here just to tell you that I remember nothing from this episode except that Andrew Maxwell and Nick Cody are on and that they crush it. Enjoy. Or don't. See if I give a toss.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello, Muggins. Muggins and Cream in your area. That sounds like a shitty... Cream. Like the lowest... Cream, don't act like we're friends. What, are we not friends? Yeah, I've got grapes.

I've got grapes for you. Are we starting off the podcast as enemies? No, we can resolve it. It should take five minutes to resolve, and then we can just crack on. Do you want to do it now? No, I feel like if you want to bring up the gripes, we should bring our guests in first,

because this is also the... This is a special podcast for two reasons. One, it's the first inter... Not international, I should be more prevalent, but it's the first time we're at Altitude, the thing we've been bragging about for so many months. And also, this is the first time, apart from Gene, that we have actual guests on the

podcast yeah like speaking roles yeah speaking roles because Gene's always just been a voice in the distance that we can translate it

whichever way we feel like it I'll introduce my guests first and then you can introduce yours so Mink we're obviously in

the Comedy Festival here all week that if none of you are here as colleagues not friends we'll get to that in a second.

It's been a great festival so far. I feel like it's a tense podcast already. You've made it. You're trying to say shit,

Daniel. Right, we'll get on to this. My first guest is Andrew Maxwell. It doesn't need a fucking pick-up.

You nearly put at him though No I was just Running it That's Brett Brett runs it Yeah but you started it though Didn't you Yeah me and Marcus

But it's a constitutional monarchy Of a business you know Brett's the Prime Minister Yeah And I'm the Queen And he's dressed like one He's got leather Leather leather hose I'm sorry Do you think the's dressed like one. He's got leather, leather leather hose.

I'm sorry. Do you think the queen wears leather? No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. No. Hold on.

I am talking about, I am talking about the queen that parades around Powerhouse in Newcastle with his leather laden hose on. I am talking about the other Q.

I'm an 80s gay dream right here in these views. So Maxwell's in his leather-laden hosin'. Fuck, I'm digging the socks, Maxwell. You've got Beavis and Butthead socks on. We have leather-laden hosin'. It's a strong look. It's fucking powerful.

Fox face. Air Max. It's all going on. But you actually have... Your guest has better socks on than Maxwell, I would argue. Let's see your socks. Have you got good socks on? Oh, he's wearing Conor McGregor socks, ladies and gentlemen.

Have you guessed who it is yet? It's Nick the Crooker Cordy with Conor McGregor socks on. Cordy, introduce yourself to our listeners. Hi, everyone. It's not only that. It's also McGregor arseless chaps. I'm a big fan. They're the ones he famously wears to the octagon. So he can get in at any

time. You never know when McGregor's going to turn up. Or turn around. That's the problem. It's a triple stitching that does it, you know. People say two stitches is enough. How do you feel, Andrew Maxwell, that an Australian here has come in with an icon of your own

country, Conor McGregor? He's Australian and Maxwell's come in with pieces icon of your own country, Conor McGregor. No, no, but this is Maxwell. He's Australian, and Maxwell's coming with people. Are they Australian? No. No. No, you're fine. Because that's what they would do, right? People would put it in.

We're like, good day, mate. Got any TP? Meh. Meh. Put another shrimp on the barbie. I've got PP for you, man. Corn holy, oh, mate. So we are out here, as we've been bragging about for about

two months now. We're finally out here in altitude. And that's why the boozes kicked in so quick because we're in altitude. Is that a thing? No, no, no, because we've been drinking since 10. We forget that. We start drinking so early here. I guess we're high up, but we're also drinking so much because, you know, like you had a

show tonight, Andrew, but neither of us have had to do shit in two days we got to the airport the other day and started drinking we did start drinking in the airport

okay Sloss put Sloss put cough mixture in his vodka Lil Wayne style he was making some drink yeah yeah yeah but I would like to point out

because Cody this is your first altitude this is me and Kai's fourth and fifth yeah Maxwell obviously helped create this festival so me and Kai's memories of this festival is obviously helped create this festival. So me and Kai's memories of this festival is like last year

we used to fly into Munich and it's about a three hour bus journey to Meyerhofen where we're staying. And so these were always big massive piss ups on the bus where we would just because it was a three hour journey. Maxwell would you like to just let everyone know what happened last year.

You as the host, the gracious host. Yeah. The envoy, arguably, for Meyerhoff in last year. Yeah, we had some yeagers on the bus. Okay. These things happened. Yeah, these things did happen. I suppose what you're alluding to is we've all seen Wile E. Coyote.

Wait, I'm sorry. Did you run into a wall that was painted as a fucking tunnel? No, I did step off the bus into thin air. Okay. I did it with a lot of confidence. He held up a big saint in the end and disappeared

into a cloud of smoke. Picked up his luggage that said Acme on it. We're all like, Maxwell, that's a bad move. Hey, Maxwell, you did something beautiful on the bus this run. So we're coming to Altitude on the bus. Everyone's getting hammered. And someone busts out a bunch of mini Jäger bombs,

the type you get on flights, and Maxwell dishes them out to everybody. I have my Jäger. And then he went, Maxwell, is there any more Jäger? And he went, oh, man, I dished them all out, but when I handed them to one person, they looked at me like, oh, God, I'll have that later. I don't really want it. I'll go and get that one back.

He went back. And they dished it? No, they didn't. Because they had it in their eyes. He read the body language. He read that disposition when they got handed a Jäger that they didn't want. Get it over.

And that's the story about the time Maxwell took my Jäger from me. I was saving it for on the mountain. What I like about out here is you can buy alcohol in all sorts of places. We bought those drinks in the airport in a bakery. In a bakery? Yeah.

We bought Jäger bombs at 10am in a fucking airport. I'll have a croissant, a pretzel and I'll have a Jäger bomb, please. We bought... The last time we were here, we at least did at least six tequila shots at the top of a mountain in the Alps. In a pyramid on the Alps. Who knew the Egyptians weren't there?

But I think you're forgetting as well, we're in a small town. Small towns are fucking weird. It just happens to be attached to an amazing mountain. But being able to buy booze at a bakery is very small town. It's like, well, they're fucking not selling it anywhere else, so better get it here. It's like a whole new shit personality with a grey ass. It's like, you're not, you've got the attention.

It's like a lot of the places don't even have, like, card readers. Like, people have to deal in cash. It's so fucking archaic. It's like coming with your stock from, oh, I've got, like, a dozen fish. You can have a beer, please. I'll trade you half a swan. Funny little tale,

man. We were, this morning we were having breakfast and a guy walked in and he looked like a magician. Like full on. He was dressed at 10 in the morning.

For breakfast? Yeah, he just looked like a magician. He had that weird, weird. Did he make all the wet pussies disappear? It was 10 in the morning in Austria there were none he pulled a ramp and rabbit out of a hat

and was like none of the women here are going to need me he released it into the wild he released his ramp and rabbit into the wild my breakfast this morning this is the great thing about this festival literally woke up said to everyone meet, meet your breakfast by eight. I'm obviously the first one there because everyone else doesn't set the time. Nobody's punctual as you are.

But I'm punctual. To be fair, I started taking a shit at 7.52 going, I've got eight minutes. But I forgot my diet for the last few weeks. It was a bit longer. I did have to message you from the bowl also this thing it is terrible here in austria and germany that your poo doesn't go straight into the water as god intended on the two islands yeah no here your poo goes on this weird porcelain shelf shelf where it's like a cheese board Yeah right Well you've got to really Inhale what you've eaten

Oh mate It's poo purgatory It's poo purgatory It just hovers in limbo Purgatory It hovers in limbo on the shelf And you're like You fucking look down

And you've just got a big I mean I do I am impressed by it sometimes Do you Yeah but for you With your shit Is it not just mostly blood Yeah I think you know what This morning I think I might have had an abortion I'm impressed by it sometimes. Yeah, but for you, with your shit, is it not just mostly blood? Yeah.

I think, you know what? This morning, I think I might have had an abortion. It tasted like abortion. Who's this guy? I don't know. The worst thing is, he's... Muggins made. That was some classic muggins.

You should tune in. It was not classic muggins. Maxwell, I know you've never listened to the podcast, but trust me, there's not classic muggins. I actually like the fact... I don't listen to any podcasts. classic muckins. I know you've never listened to the podcast but trust me, there's not classic muckins. I actually like the fact that... There's not any podcasts. I like the fact that

Austrians before mobile phones were invented invented their toilets in a way where it's at some point there'll be the technology to send a photo of your own shit

to your friends. We might as well let it sit on the shelf until they can get that photo and send it off. Do you think they used to draw pictures?

No, no. And post them? I think it's more know if you go to an arcade machine it's always the top high scores there i believe that's where the shares over here are you walk in you get to see the person who took a previous shit and you and if you do a bigger one you're stay on that's the toilet brushes to sign your signature get the end of a log and you know give me a three three three letters. The reason why it is, I don't know whether it's in Austria,

but just over the border in Germany, to get any job in a food or drinks industry, serving people, you've got to provide a shit sample. No. Yeah. Now they have fingernails. What the fuck do you think?

We've all got partners with mouths why are you trading yeah swap my girlfriend's tongue oh lord classic muggins classic

muggins by the way we've got muggins we've got muggins we've got cream we've got crusher crusher Cody's a crusher Maxwell what's the nickname what do they call you in school do you have a nickname We've got Muggins We've got Muggins We've got Cream We've got Crusher Crusher Cody Crusher

Maxwell what's your nickname What do they call you in school Do you have a nickname In high school What are you bullied to Are you one of the popular Don't pretend it was something cool It's just Max

Nah Most fuckers No one's that nice To just lay off with Max When I was in primary school I had a girl's nickname What was it Meg

Meg Why Meg Crusher and Meg Like a pig Genuine There's people out there girl's nickname what was it Meg Meg why Meg Cushion Meg like a Meg genuine there's people out there that still know me as Meg why Meg

because Megatron is the only right answer it's not the answer it's not the answer Meg and Ryan very kissable neck oh

didn't she what a swans she actually had her jaw removed so she could kiss her own neck that's a call back to her neck and they sort of won it all ties together Didn't she? What a swans. She actually had her jaw removed so she could kiss her own neck. That's a callback to her neck. And they sort of won. It all ties together.

Meg Ryan kissed her own neck like Gerry Adams. She's done too much with her lips though. What, kissing? No, she's got them filled in in a crazy... Why were you called Meg?

Oh yeah. I'm trying to get out of this. We're lip stories. No, it was a co-ed school. Primary school. What does co-ed mean? Boys and girls together. To school?

Yes. Well, you might call that school. Shirley needs a prefix if it's... You're from England. He's from Ireland. Oh. Where women weren't invented until 1937. Oh, they were invented, but they were not used.

And they're going to invent the hot ones soon. I can feel it. I know. Any year now. Hey, don't even... I'm not even saying sorry for that. You go to Kilkenny and look up Cody. It's the whole fucking town.

I went to England once, met a girl called Meg. She looked like you whoa okay Maxwell can't even argue because his

wife's Egyptian that's true yeah he outsourced it did yeah but I moved

what's wrong with your own women Maxwell I've also had many of my own women I decided not nah

not for me I've tried them all there is actually to be honest like in Ireland I think well oh great it's a hodgepodge of genetics but not a very

large hodgepodge but there's there's some fucking really really beautiful it's like it's like gingers it's like redheads

oh not many hot ones but the ones that they are some of the you've seen this one? It was in the last, what's it called? Jurassic Park movie.

Oh. T-Rex. Wait, hold on. She's Ron Howard's daughter. But she was also, that movie, the last one, she was the weakest female character that had ever been written. Her whole thing was, her old story arc was I don't want

kids oh look dinosaurs I now want children so she laid an egg a baby was

brought up in captivity wanted some of that raptor cock she didn't want to settle for humans who doesn't

want to get scratched to death oh that's the one get a free cesarean trim those nails please I want either one of the three someone to try ceratops Scratch to death. Oh, that's the one. Get a free cesarean. Trim those nails, please.

Either one of the three, someone in triceratops. So Meg, you're a sin. Yes, oh yeah. So it is... Mug and cream crusher in Meg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a hard one because...

Megans in crush. Mugans in cream. All the boys in the big break would play football and as much as I enjoy football I enjoy sport and kicking

the actual motion of kicking a ball I enjoy just relentlessly playing football it was boring and sometimes I hang out with the girls

but eventually you know I didn't put pigtails in the hair and stuff yeah all that sort of stuff play jump rope

with that yeah right absolutely but the next level I wonder pigtails in the hair and stuff yeah yeah all that sort of play jump rope with that yeah right yeah right absolutely but the next level I wanted to you know he's got the little

the little the pyramid thing pick a number pick a colour oh yeah did that oh you did all that yeah shit yeah

anyway so pick it till you make it yeah right and they still don't know anyway so take it till you make it yeah right exactly and they still don't know I'm a boy

after all these years I think you're a bit cold Meg like she's the bravest lesbian

in Ireland that's Meg in your dispassion pussy we are cock still think you're just smashing pussy we are cock still think you're a woman Meg's got a good dick I'll say that

or a really good clit have you ever seen a giant clit I've never seen a small one ooh this guy to be honest

what's this clit you speak about I've never found one it's all an enormous one. It was a very, very astonishing thing. Natalie always gets mugged up in the podcast, but never gets mugged and stopped in her sex life.

I'm almost glad the microphone wasn't there for that. Time of death. 147. I don't know how drunk we are. I don't think we're that drunk Oh this podcast is late I mean this anecdote that I've started hasn't ended five times

Oh yeah Jesus Nah fuck it Anyway Oh is that not the end of the anecdote you pretend to be a beard No So then I wanted to hang out with the boys again

but I didn't want to play football so I would invade the pitch and pretend to be the medical man. If anybody got injured I'd dick around being the medical man and it started off being med

and then ended up being meg and I didn't give a fuck. They were like... So you're the medic in the football game so any time someone dived you would just run on and scratch them off.

Yeah, yeah. That's how I first sketched. So when you were in school they would have had the wet sponge in the bucket game so anytime someone dived you would just run on and sketch them off yeah yeah that's how that's my first sketch so when you were in school they would have had the wet sponge in the bucket right you used to do that

in football wet sponge in a bucket they wouldn't do that now because of James but I bet you ran on with your sponge did you no no I had nothing oh you put a wet sponge on

it's like putting ice pack on but we couldn't afford ice in Newcastle no no no they could afford crystal meth they could afford they could afford crystal meth they could afford

they could afford like the drug ice but no they couldn't afford the freezer to freeze water it was cum it was cum in a bucket

unless you can get ice out of the catalog for a small monthly installment when I'm buying it they love a monthly installment oh I love

a fucking catalog does anybody else love it they love the UK I don't know if it's just anybody else love it? The UK. I don't know if it's just where I come from and the UK in general, but people rack up the catalogue.

Do you know the catalogue? Do they have that in Australia? Yeah, in Australia. There's all the shopping catalogues and I definitely know. So you'll be like, I'm going to have a Yamaha keyboard. I'm going to have a couple of

Micro Machines toys. I'm going to have a Skeletric and that. And then you just rack it all up, 49 pence a week. But by the time you've got all the stuff in your house you're paying a fucking 300 pound a month

on your catalogue it never disappears it's on a high interest rate he's right though he's absolutely right they're getting fucked over there's cheaper ways of buying things

yeah I feel I feel like like in this we can go into this a bit later I feel like if you're still at the stage if you

by now you've not adapted to the internet I don't care how old're still at the stage, by now you've not adapted to the internet. I don't care how old you are. If at this stage in life you've not adapted to the internet, you're done. A catalogue's still a thing now, then. Because that's something I've always been aware of, but are people still getting the physical catalogue? Little Woods is very lonely.

Argos is bigger than ever. Because they've gone online. The laminate of that catalogue as well. It's spaff proof. What's that? The laminate that catalogue as well it's spaff proof what's that they'll laminate the catalogue in August

I do worry that if the catalogues all go what are cops going to beat people with you can't always get a bag of oranges clearly in Scotland right

there's no phone book to batter someone I didn't realise it's that big in the UK no it's sort of big the cops beat people all the time. Oh, great.

They love it. Can I make a confession? Oh, I mean, yeah. You're an undercover cop and this is a statement. If it's not, you don't order from a catalogue, then. He's wearing a wire. If I'm an undercover cop, then I am an undercover cop that had his first rank over the catalogue's underwear page.

Oh, yeah, that's not true. Wait, no, hold on. In the store or like your mum's? In a hog house. I didn't even know they sold them nowhere. It may have been Lego. Who knows? Oh, I remember the...

Got in the washing machine with the dirty ones and just rolled around with them. I had a kid these days, they don't... Maxwell, of course you would have jacked off for the catalog. Oh, old school. Yeah, very catalog. But look at the little baby sloths here. Look at the cream. Look at the little bitty cream. He wouldn't off for the catalog. Oh, old school. Yeah, very catalog. But look at little baby Sloss here. Look at Cream.

Look at little bitty Cream. He wouldn't have touched a catalog. You're 33? 33. 33. 33. I'm 29 and you're 26. But I'm closer to you than I am him.

Yeah. But somehow I still know catalogs and porn magazines in the forest. You know that... Oh, yeah. Oh, comedy thing. So wait, how did they get there? The porn magazines in the forest, is that like... comedy thing so wait how did they get there the porn magazines in the forest is that like it's not a myth it's not a myth was that like your

pokemon go like except at the end of it you get pussy wears and pokemon go virgin for the rest of your life i mean you're still a virgin if you got porn like i'm not saying that's yeah i'm not saying that counts as sex otherwise i'm on a million yeah no girl's ever seen a guy jaycaring off the porch in the woods and been like oh future husband oh no

he wouldn't jack off in the woods he'd take it home oh I'm sorry there was class involved I'm so unaware I was busy doing it in my mum's study

like a true gentleman they see you and think if you find a wet moist who writes in a study that's where the computer was. I thought you were just taking

old books out. Blowing the dust off. But literally blowing the dust off. Yeah, look in the encyclopedia for Snatch. They just bat a few out. Wonderful. Just looking at a really beautiful pottery piece. I love that Maxwell

show of ages that his study would just have books in it, not the internet. Yeah. A lot of the books are carved out. He'd have a globe. He'd have a globe. And it wouldn't even have alcohol in it. It'd be an actual globe

because that's how he knew where places were. He'd have his encyclopedias referenced. There'd be like A to C. Yeah. Listen, if you were saying... Or you could say alphabetical. No, no, I was just... No, he just like A to C no listen if you're saying or you could say alphabetical no no he just knows

A to C sorry Daniel I was just having a little bit of portrait just my way of words sometimes I don't try to be concise

I try to decorate the airwaves he means paint and decorate the airwaves this isn't an uplifting mural he's doing for the people of the revolution. Bain didn't get out of a hole in the ground

as smooth as Guy just got out of that. I was born in the dumbness. You merely adapt and do it. However, I was somewhere between you and your study with a computer and you and your study with a computer And you and your study with your old books and maps And I live in a world where I had it in court I run DVD-ROM

Yeah but the thing is CD don't brag CD-ROM Not DVD I stand corrected Are you going to get the whole world in 700 meg? There's no way You need at least 4.2

To get every bit of knowledge about the world. I never knew what a CD-ROM even was. I missed the whole scale. I don't know where it was. That sounds to me like your acid days. Yeah. Was that your late 20s, early 30s? Did you disappear for a little while?

I never really approved of acid. It's pretty good though. Just the concept Of that's something That you put in your mouth Can make your world Change so much Your perception Your reality

Your vision Everything just twists That's noteworthy Whether you like it or not It's noteworthy You'll get over it The idea that a Belgian Scientist made

But you'll You'll get over Putting that in your mouth In 12 hours Suck a dick And then look in the mirror And say What have I become

everything's changed hang on come down after that are you are you looking in the mirror whilst sucking a dick yeah because close your eyes

for that shit I don't want to see into your soul we should do joint and then go into our first game yeah what we need

is to be higher yeah this is what this is alright so we are back just before we go any further

in the podcast guess who's back Mog is this back nope I want to just if you are enjoying the banner on this podcast but not the quality

of it because we've got two guests on this podcast but not the quality of it because we've got two guests on this is the perfect time for you to go and buy Kai's USB

because every £10 you get for that over the next week and a half we'll go towards buying new microphones and we'll be able to

feed a family for a week and also you get my show as well you've got to understand Kai's got to walk to understand Kai's got to walk 20 miles every day to upload this

podcast with it on his head and one of his children that will remain unnamed has a really

bad coke habit so we should probably name our already what we're trying to say to you my friends is

teach a fish to podcast he'll podcast give us podcast the fish out of this yeah pretty much and that's when in rome donate the podcast um kai humphries.com slash shop uh i don't know if it's for slash or backslash so you're gonna have to have two attempts maximum yes before we go further into Muggle Corner because we do guess

we'll get through it quickly you have a particular gripe we started on this podcast with that you'd like to bring up apparently Muggins you're not happy with Cream well Cream

I'm not looking at you right now just so the people on the podcast know I'm just looking away from him I'm still your friend on Facebook

but I'm not your friend in real life what's more important to you Daniel kept putting broccoli and cauliflower in my hood no

no no he did he started differently he started putting oh no you put it in my drink at first no no no no it didn't even start there

he put a cauliflower in my pint no and then I just I was just like oh cream's drunk he's just been Jack the lad I had a swig of my pint and just people just i was just like our cream's drunk he's just been a

jack the lad you know i had a swig of my paint and just people were coming up and like we're dealing with the cauliflower in your paint dafcon millions of people pass us by i think it's very qualified cauliflower you know just like oh it's a cultural thing it's austria you know how they are and i just moved it off i didn't act offended by the fact he put it wouldn't have vegetable in it how this actually started was we were in the us at the altitude opening meal where we all all the comics around

Maxwell Meg made a fantastic speech by the way wonderful one so that was quick as well that was probably

the least rambling I've ever done you nailed it I really feel like you because previous years oh yeah spews were involved

almost yeah falls the uh what happened was after the part after the uh speech i went up to you while you were talking to someone and then down totally went just tapped you on your thigh was like don't look suspicious look around make sure no one's watching i'm gonna hand you something with my left hand so move your pint to your left hand keep your hand free and you were like oh it's drugs this is great

so just there and he's just like nobody's like nobody's like i'm right right and i just palm you something you're like great i've got it and you go from the corner i'm not good i've got it i'm like this is like a fluffy fucking mess this doesn't feel like i had to do a fucking wet, fluffy fucking mess. This doesn't feel like cocaine. I had to do a fucking cauliflower, which was obviously hilarious because you were very upset by it. Then I put one in your drink. And then I quite the joke, cauliflower beers, like cauliflower ears because there's a cauliflower in my beer, and you didn't even laugh.

At least have the decency. Cauliflower, can I just say for all my vegan friends out there, is both white and powerful as well. I just say for all my vegan friends out there, it's both white and powerful as well. By the way, also, how much time when you saw it was a cauliflower, was there any part of your head that thought, oh, fucking Austria, they sell rack in a thing shaped as a cauliflower?

I mean, the question is, when did I realise? I had three lanes racked out. Of cauliflower. Yeah, three lanes racked out. Of cauliflower. Yeah, three lanes of cauliflower. He started toothless and was like, I feel like I'm for a joke. And not even in the energy way, just healthy. No, it was sprint.

No carbs before Ben and Dobbs. Then later on in the evening, what happened was, me and a bunch of the comics here at least nine of us passed the book grabbed separate bits of cauliflower and broccoli and over the course

of the evening kept putting them in the hood of your hood my hoodie I don't want to get technical but the worst thing is we're making like

vegetable puns that were really bad awful really bad let's go sit at the veg table yeah and then I joined in

I said a vegetable pun thinking that oh they're doing puns let's crack on and I dropped a pun and he's all laughed at it I thought you were laughing at my vegetable pun

you were laughing that I was doing a vegetable pun when the joke's on me because I've got a fucking allotment in my hood a salad just where your ears rest and em

so after I found that I cracked on with my day and found loads of cauliflower in my pocket. He still ended up there. He's kept going. But you've got to understand now, this is now... You obviously know at this point, by the end of the week, at one point you're going to be going down on Natalie,

you're going to look up and realise that she's actually cauliflower. Like, that's the level I'll take this to. There's a big cauliflower up there. No, no, you're eating a cauliflower. And then, and then, and then, and then, ma'am, ma'am ma'am I was having a naked sauna

and you stole my towel I did not you did he was very very anxious that you were going to steal his towel I didn't

no no close you've got him you've got him you've got inside him because right you stole my towel the towel was gone

you were the last person to leave the towel was gone so I had to strut across the fucking Foyer Just a backstory We cook out

Just a backstory The Hotel Wales There is a naked sauna Where you have to be You have to be naked There's an angry Austrian man Who if you walk in in boxers Naked till you make it

And just shout at you Until you show him his dick Correct What's his name? Gunter Gunter Gunter He doesn't like

He doesn't like your cook being away. Oh no he doesn't. He needs to see the goods Gunter. He wants to see what you've got. You have to. You have to. So apparently. But you would go from the sauna to the pool with your towel around your waist. Right. It's just good form. Right. And then you do your activity with your cock out.

Right. But you stole my towel so I had to walk right through everyone's just chilling and hanging out in the lounge and I'm just fucking strutting like I'm on a fucking nudist beach looking like a before picture

for a Viagra advert before picture look at your penis now carrying your coat indoors with your hands I'm glad I didn't I'm glad I didn't have it hard on actually

it's the only thing that could have made it more awkward but I was worried I bumped't I'm glad I didn't have it hard on actually it's the only thing that could have made it more awkward so er but I was worried I bumped into Maxwell who gives a towel

by the way thanks Maxwell Meg no problem he had his funny out in the sauna erm I was worried

because I put my clothes in the locker and I didn't leave the locker locked I left it open but the clothes were just

which is blue not in the title of what it's called yeah locker locked I left it open but the clothes were just which is blue not in the title of what it's called yeah yeah but fuck the rules classic muggins so I said to Maxwell oh fuck

you stole my towel if if if he sees my clothes they're gone and I have got to get to my room or my dick out right

and even though you didn't see my clothes if you saw them you would have stole them, wouldn't you? Oh, 100%. That's why I'm mad at you the most, because of what you would have done. Not the cauliflower, not the fucking nick in my towel, none of that shit.

The fact that you would have stole my clothes is something you haven't done, but I'm mad at you for the hypothetical situation I would have 100% had. Are you mad at me in your dreams, essentially? Yes. Well, that brings us perfectly on to to thought crime thought crime

alright it's his actual programming it's not a thing that he did it's the programming of his soul that I'm mad at

so you seem to be angry at the snake for being a snake that she didn't have to bite the apple that was Eve not the snake yeah

she didn't have to the snake was a bloke obviously salesman Selwyn Selwyn the bloke the bloke snake called Selwyn

and I said salesman salesman alright that makes so much more sense none of this makes sense so for regular listeners to the podcast

i.e. Nick Cuddy our guest and to Maxwell who's literally never listened to this podcast at all oh a podcast only because I haven't listened to any podcast yeah.e. Nick Cuddy our guest and to Maxwell who's literally never listened to this podcast at all oh a podcast only because I haven't

listened to any podcast yeah so it's unbiased yeah I mean his study has books yeah no wifi he's not got he's not got time

for his ears he hasn't listened to a podcast but he's read some engravings on a stone I have I have that's good so we have a corner

which we call muggle corner which is basically just muggle being a muggle is not a bad thing if you which we call muggle corner which is basically just muggle being a muggle is not a bad thing if you're a full muggle we agree it's a bad thing

but everyone is guilty of slightly everything in moderation just muggle in moderation guys so I will give a first example we can open this up to debate

if a majority of the guests agree and as you're in the corner for 30 seconds but everything goes on to debate my majority one

muggles ski i think right ski because we're hold on i've got my uh theory on skiing right skiers learn how to ski when they're in school so when they become adults they're already ski so that's why the ski but borders didn't learn anything in school so they had the choice between skiing and boarding and they go well obviously boarding it's clearly the best but they wouldn't have chose that if they'd learned you're saying skiing is indoctrination i'm saying that yes skiers have had force fed to them skiing is a mode of transport snowboard you learn to ski because you can ski across the world. Cross-country skiing? Right. Which is why... Whereas snowboarding...

But you say mode of transport as in people are using it as a place to get somewhere in particular. They do. But if you're cross-country skiing, it's not to like a board meeting or a fucking... People do. There are no way people go... There fucking is. Hey guys, I've got my board meeting. Is there somewhere to put me skis?

Yeah. No, it's all... Yeah. What animal did you shoot? Let's eat that. That's the only meeting you're going to on skis. No one in the fucking BRW Top 200 ski. Put me skis on, check them out how the stocks went this year. It is fucking animals that are skiing to get news. We're all boarders.

We're all boarders. I've skied in the past, but I got the electric shock therapy to stop me from skiing, so now I'm a boarder. What was Max's train of thought when you were saying skiing's a mode of transport but boarding? Yeah, boarding. No, boarding's not.

Boarding exists, only exists for pleasure. It's the clitoris of the hill. Oh! It is. There's a reason I asked the question. It is. It is.

That's what it is. That's why there's something dirty about the boarder. It's only for pleasure it's joyriding yeah you're fucking boosting the car

driving past the speed limit the better you get when you're on a really good fucking run like you're on a magic carpet ride yeah

but if it goes flat you're you're just stuck you're just a carpet yeah but skiers when they go flat they fucking spaff out and there's sticks and stems

everywhere one of my greatest altitude memories was one of the so just now we're here in December and the slopes are freshly powdered and the runs are clear I've been here seven times

this is the most clear the slopes have been it's been here seven times. This is the most clueless loads I've been in. It's been joyous. Best snow, least amount of people. But in previous months, it's been February, it's been March. It's been busier. There was one time you and I were on a mountain, and this skier who had cut us off so many times, and I recognised him because he was one of those skiers in a fucking suit.

In a bunny suit. Oh, like a three-piece suit. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. I thought you meant like a ones suit. Oh, in a bunny suit. Oh, like a three-piece suit. Like a, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. I thought you meant like a onesie. No, no.

I am amusing. Yeah. I'm doing something very dull in fancy dress. Ah. One of the scares that doesn't even... Muggle. Muggle's wearing fancy dress on the slopes.

This guy's a Muggle. Yeah. But no, no. But he wasn't even in the costume. He was... I think you're a proper douche on the slopes. Everyone wears goggles and a helmet. We're going fast.

Everyone wears a helmet that's safety. There's nothing cool about... I've never seen someone without a helmet and been like, oh, legend, like, idiot. But goggles, we all agree, you need. But if you trade goggles for sunglasses, like, you know, the fucking tight fucking airplane ones. A pair of aviators

instead of goggles oh yeah so he was one of those and he was skiing down passes he cut me off at least once and he spanks out right in front of me and just as a good person i only laugh a little bit on the outside just that i can hear but then when he realized i was laughing was when i watched one of his skis just fall off and just for 200 metres just go down a hill, which is always funny when the losers skis, but just off the face of a 300-foot mountain into nothingness near the body of...

Have you ever seen it when a board or a ski goes whizzing down the slopes and you worry about people's lives? Because that goes like a fucking bullet when it goes down the piste. It's not dangerous. But we're all agreed so that's the first one.

With skiers, my opinion of is that it's not a muggle thing to do unless you choose it as an adult with a decision. But if you've been

brought into skiing and raised, just stick to skiing. Yeah, if you've never switched from skiing to boarding like you've always skied, fine.

Like, that's. It's like religion. If you have right in and get into it, you're a fucking weirdo. If it happened from zero onwards, I'd go, oh, sorry. It's not your fault. Your parents were muggles, not you.

Get both of your parents to stand in the corner. Yeah, if skiing was your decision, you're a muggle. But if you're skiing, because you skied as a kid, you're good. So, Maxwell, first ever guest on the podcast, apart from Gene, who we just had in. But you've got your first muggle suggestion. Yes. People who use the term pet peeves.

Yes, or bugbear. Oh, bugbear. Bugbear, pet peeves. I'll tell you what my pet peeve is. What grinds my gears. Does people saying what grinds my gears grind your gears? In fact, are you a... Is this pet peeve? They're never good.

It's never like a methamphetamine addiction. It's never... You know, it's a pet peeve. When my kid sells my car illegally, and then the cops turn up and he's got a knife it's my pet peeve that i can't inject my vein in my wrist anymore because it's too perforated that i've got to inject my fucking belly that's a peeve yeah as uh as would you therefore maybe incorporate let me ask do how do you feel about guilty pleasures then see if someone goes well you

know my guilty pleasure is I don't mind that chocolate you're just on it this is genuinely I genuinely consider to be fucking disgusting right

people who use the term chocoholic like it's just like what the fuck is wrong with you nobody's ever lost their kid or fucked them because of chocolate lost some toes though

no one's ever hauled themselves out for chocolate. Oh, it's terrible, isn't it? Oh, excuse me, I'm a chocoholic. What the fuck is wrong with you? Choc'ing on the spot outside of Thornton's, waiting for it to open. It's terrible.

Are you aware of the slightly metal level you just went to? You just said you hate people that say, this is my pet peeve, while we're literally in a game that is essentially pet peeve corner. So, was this perfect? Each one of us has to go in the corner for 40 seconds. But fortunately, four corners to every room,

otherwise it's the pentagon. I mean, there's more than four corners. Or a circle. You've got the four corners, but then you've got the top and bottom corners that you can just put your nose in if you try no way the corners if it's in a cube I feel like corners just corner wall was it if it's wall meets wall we've run things the corner I feel it's actually a rectangular prism it's not a cube you have to put the tangent over the hypotenuse and divide it by pi and then it's about a third of that. You asked me if it was a cube.

A cube is the exact same length on all sides, but this is a rectangular prism. The length of a room. Where's your fucking tape measure? I mean, his pet peeve is the people getting the wrong polygons. My pet peeve is talking to adults that didn't do year three maths. I will totally agree, pet peeves. into year three maths. I will totally agree, pet peeves. Even though you're willing to put pet peeves in the corner,

do you have any pet peeves? Yes, I have one pet peeve. I fucking hate when people say, it's kind of, I don't know, it's a certain Dublin thing of a certain age, but I think it's world over, when people go, how are you? And they say, not tree bad. Oh, how are you and they say not tree bad oh

instead of not too bad not a free bad I've never heard that oh really such lame banter like it's just and everybody who said

not even their own banter lame banter but borrowed lame banter oh it is oh it's terrible and everybody who says it

is they're not even an arsehole. They're one down from there, you know? Just... Back of the leg. Yeah, yeah. It's catchphrase comedy.

Yeah, but it's just not very funny. And they've passed it off as... It's always said while you're shaking a hand and they kind of wink in your eyes. Not very bad. Oh, that's horrible. Oh, fuck them. Yeah, no.

That's a peeve, though. It's a peeve though it's a peeve it's a peeve but I don't go to war over peeves I will give you both of those if

yeah peeves and also we'll throw in guilty pleasures I have more by the way oh please it's a different one though go oh wait no

wait from muggle corner it'll come back around it'll come back around we'll do a full loop we'll do a full loop it'll come back around alright I don't know if this is just something that's annoying.

Krusha just spilt his tinny, by the way. Some of that beer you just spilled. He just fucking acted like he won the Formula One just now. Fucking just sprayed it everywhere like a fucking Formula One winner. My Muggle Corner. I don't know if it is a Muggle Corner. It's people I'm just it's people I'm annoyed by

but it's it's couples that think that one round so when there's a round of beers going and the couple like go

oh we've already been and you're like no no Dave you've been but fucking Jenny get your fucking purse out because two people

so if if you like and that does happen it does happen oh it's bad for but question is are the muggles yeah do you have to be a muggle it's like your facebook thing the other week any couple that's got one facebook profile they're the same people that think they're they're one person and around yeah that's a great argument actually yeah they're people that have like over committed to being one person i mean round yeah that's a great argument actually yeah there are people that have like over committed

to being one person I mean it's clearly a couple where one of them doesn't like being on Facebook oh but you know what I would do

if that happens again if this ever happens to you this is how we deal with it if they think they're one round buy them one drink yeah well it's your round

buy them one drink even if it's in fucking two glasses two little plastic cups and a fucking glass of rosy and this is a rare muggle corner

where I can honestly say that nobody in this room is due a muggle corner because you're Maxwell your wonderful wife

Soraya if you and her were to if she were to be like it's me and Maxwell's round I feel like you'd be far more bankrupt just with the amount of rounds

she's bought me over the years and Kai and Nick just it's mountain culture like being out here in these resorts you live and die by the round system you don't have bad manners

it's amateur fuckers I remember there's another by the round system yeah they don't have bad manners it's amateur fuckers who are like what are you talking about I remember there's another comic he's an eccentric eccentric man anyway no no no don't do anything like that

no we snitch on this podcast no no no no I don't otherwise I won't tell you the story I wouldn't tell it as well if I felt that I was saying it to him we've actually got him

tied up in his gun to his head at the minute and he's still this stoic I just Maxwell that was actually a very rude compliment to us head at the minute and he's still this stoic. Maxwell, that was actually a very rude compliment to us that you think

other comedians listen to this podcast. The only comedian that listens to this podcast is in this room and it's not you. I listen. With my wife

while I'm doing hotel room exercise. You always listen, Crusher. Yeah. Fiancé. So go on, tell the the story we won't name the comic oh yeah that thing in a round system he didn't drink he only drank Diet Cokes so he thought like you know

I had to buy him two the round system was a two man three round system yeah? yeah then I had to go two rounds up to the bar to get him fucking Diet Cokes

oh so he went two Diet Cokes for a pint yeah what was he in front in the end as well

how do you stomach that because you're going to drink ten pints that night I've seen you drink this guy's going to have twenty pints of Diet Coke yeah it's bad for you yeah

that is it's all bad for you. It's all about you, to be honest. At the end of it, what you do is just say to the night, if he's like, oh, man, I've just pulled a girl, but I've just had like 20 pints of Diet Coke, what you do is like, hey, you got a girl, I'll give you a mento, right?

Then he fucks off forever. Then his asshole blows out on the way out. He gets to the moon. So yeah. He's got his pup over his skull. I will totally give give we're all agreed Margaret Corner is pet peeves

pet peeves this idea and it's it's the public aggravation that we're all guilty of but it's just the use of the language

pet peeves now you rewound you rewound I think you're a little bit pet peeve guys can I can I see how how much is that right now

that's already done done the pet peeve one this is the buying rounds there's a couple oh Jesus Christ so it is

I did that out so I sound sober nah not a chance handle your shit I was following what you were saying but I was just

helping him out oh I was trying to host look cream cream Meg is leaving you for fucking dust yeah

you know that's where his bread's put on he realised he backed the winning horse right well in that case Cream, Cream, Meg is leaving you for fucking dust jelly. You know that's where his bread's put on. He backed the winning horse. So this is Kody's, this is Crusher's first ever Muggle Corner. But we agree, buying couples is wrong. Muggles, 30 seconds.

All right, I hope this isn't one you've done before. Muggles read every piece of mail they get. Oh, I agree with you, but I'm in the corner. What do you think? So anything that comes in an envelope addressed to Daniel Slossie, we're going to have a look. Not even addressed to homeowner, citizen, the occupier. The occupier. Man, every one of those.

Because I'm just like... Well, stand in your own house corner. Lord. Lord occupier. Do you, when you open the charity letters, realize it's nothing for you, keep the pen and throw the letter away? I... Totally. the pen and throw the letter away I totally like I just because I'm just I've not been an adult for

very long so to me people like oh Daniel Sloss you haven't got very long left either they go Daniel Sloss is your official title and I'm like maybe The Occupy is my official title like I don't hey you know what's the I think this might be

the most impossible thing to do in the whole world. Nothing is harder than this. Not open a letter that the address is written in handwriting. I bet you nobody in the world has went,

nah. This is spam. Have a look on the back, the sender, Asbestos Co. Oh, right, I better have a read. Just put in the effort. Yeah.

I love when they're sending Asbestos, not Anthrax. Like a slow-killing... That's what I meant, Anthrax. But Asbestos kills you real slowly. It's like a paw that gets in your lung and grows over 30 years. I swear to God, ISIS could write me a letter and I would only stop reading after PS. Like, to Daniel.

To the soon beheaded. All right, well, I better have a look. This is me. Lots of love, ISIS. PS, no, no, no. I disagree with you at this point, ISIS. I wonder if anyone went PS and went

nah I don't care about that nonsense just leave the PS bit I read your letter I didn't read your postscript yeah PSTB

I'll totally absolutely put that in there read every bit of mail read every and I'm mate and I'm not even

I'm not even going to not even gonna change my life you know what after a week I've been here I've been a week in London when I get home Jean's got a little mailbox which is just for everything not

if you know what I mean no she's got a huge mailbox double ended like made out of steel double ended mailbox is a pipe isn't it

I was just coming at her funny It's all about the mailboxes and the pipe, isn't it? It's just coming out of Fanny. It's actually just a mailbox. Sloss, are you worried that everyone around us is just standing up rapidly all of a sudden? Yeah, no. I think it's because

we can all agree that what you said is muggle corner. We're going to have a drink break a few weeks. I'm also going to say I live in an apartment building. Guys, go for a slash.

I live in an apartment building. Don't be a guy who's like, I'm going going to say I live in an apartment building. Guys, go for a slash. I live in an apartment building. Don't be a guy who's like, I'm going with him. Boys, come on, cross the streams. You know what you want to do. Sword fight. Treading cog, the Irish cog. The Irish pickle, the pickles pickle. I'm the worst because I'm in this apartment building

and there's an owner of my apartment who I pay rent to, but their mail comes to my house and if it's not my name on the thing I just throw it in the bin. Oh. They are probably in

so much trouble by the fact that I'm like what am I going to go to the post office? Do you know what's way worse than this story is I do the exact same as you but the previous occupier

and tenant of my house is Kai. So at some point I get mail that's like to Kai and I'm like, I don't live here anymore. Ben, I don't save it for him. What a cunt. I could be in trouble.

I live on the road. If anyone's chasing me, if anyone's after us, I want you to know that I've been to at least three letters that had red text. Well, you know what? You know what? You know what?

You know what, Cream? That isn't what hurt me the most. That isn't what hurt me the most. Putting the broccoli in my pocket isn't what hurt me the most. Hiding my towel isn't what hurt me the most. The fact that you might have went in my locker and stole my clothes and didn't isn't what hurt me the most. What hurt me the most is that you just call me pickle again and I don't like it.

What do you call us Pickle for? Still call us Smuggins? Very quickly, very quickly. So down in London, I'm a godfather to a wonderful girl called Ava, one of our friends, Milo McCabe, who will be a guest in this show one day.

Daniel's goddaughter's older sister, Iné. One time, me and Ky, we stayed down with Milo whenever we were in London, because we like the... It feels like we're part of a family as opposed to just doing drugs in an elevator. It's nice to feel homely once in a while.

We stand at the bottom of the drive checking each other's nostrils for cold fogies, and then we go and play with the kids. So, Iné, two years old, is obsessed with the show I can't name, so just Anae two years old is obsessed with the show I can't name but she's naming

every person who comes in the room and Milo you can't name him because he doesn't know what it is not because he's in that fucking

witness protection yeah no no he doesn't know what the show's called so she goes I walk in the room she goes

you're a Zeg her mum walks in the room mummy's airplane Milo her dad is called Crusher that's Crusher is called Crusher. That's Crusher. That's Crusher.

Yeah, yeah. So we laugh. And then you walk in the room and everyone goes, hey, what's Carla's name? And she goes, Pickle.

And you, and don't lie about this, you threatened to fight a two-year-old child. Bitch called us Pickle.

Carla's Pickle again, I tell you. I double tell you. She called us Pickle again and I didn't do anything but. Because she learned her lesson but she went home

with a flay in her yeah and then and then you continue calling his pickle every now and again and I oh right

it's Sunday's name it's a booze it's a booze break it's worth a meg we've got one bar of barry left so booze break and then

barry's okay we're back from a break and we're going to do this quickly and we are just into our final round and our first ever Dear Dad jokes with guests. So instead of ten, we've gone for seven each,

which still is... More bang for your buck. Yeah, four more than you normally get. You're not paying anything for this podcast and you're getting more dad jokes than you normally would have. But you can donate by going to kylehumphries.com.

So I'll go first Kai your dad's yawn smell like amber rain's farts pretty harsh your dad cuts the neighbours grass

for free just like how it looks next to his he doesn't want his lawn to be cut and then there'd be long grass right next to it he wants it to be regimented Cody I'm telling Cody something

about his dad your dad strikes matches off his lips they're so dry From Looch's puss Sloss Your dad, Martin Your dad said meth was his gateway to Prosecco Maxwell

Your dad skis for Facebook likes He would You want any of those things, where? Maxwell your dad skis for Facebook likes he would he would any of those things wear he's never heard of skiing Kai I suppose I'll be mean to you Kai your dad looks

really different to you but he looks like my brother and my mum Daniel cream your dad has an index finger that's twice the length of the rest of his fingers,

and he uses it to get groves out of trees. Sloss, your dad said when he grows up, he wants to be a conspiracy theorist. He's going to deck you on Wednesday when he hears. When he grows up. Nick, your dad fists his own asshole in an attempt to make himself a ventriloquist puppet so he has the courage

to tell your mum he's leaving her. So baroque. So baroque. So much detail normally he just does it to come so for the fact he's using it for another purpose it's actually no he's growing duality of purpose

Kai your dad can only get a handshake out of your man That's why I don't look like him Maxwell Your dad didn't Your dad Your dad didn't realise until he got arrested That when you

Cup cake somewhere It's meant to be a fart And not with shit Poor dad It's so true Kai Your dad saw the Dumb and Dumber sequel

And hated it Because dumberer Wasn't a word Nick Oh no, Maxwell Your dad teabags your gran's grave They're lyrics from a band I never want to hear. Hold on, his mum or the mum-in-laws? Which gran?

Was it his mum or the other one? Depends on his mood. Both of them are hot, but... Worth the tea bugging. Daniel. Daniel. Your da only wears jeans when he's gardening. And the rips in them are real.

The rips in them aren't River Island. They're hard work. Daniel, your dad's got a one-to-an-index figure. Sloss. Your dad has his own pool cue. Cody, your dad vapes cum. Did used to snort it though So Again he's weaning off it

Good work Jeff He cuts it with talcum powder Yeah He cuts it with other cum That's why I don't look like my dad. Nick. Your dad never gets a head. Just never

You can't cut a brick Sloss Sloss Sloss your dad still has all the tags on his sweat Sloss, your dad still has all the tags on his sweats. Sloss, your dad thinks Godfather 3 was the best one. This could offend him way more than it offends me. Kai.

That's what it's meant to do. Your dad writes reviews for your mum's pussy on TripAdvisor. Never above a three. And whenever you just give her one star, it's a brown one. I mean, Dad might not give her above a three, but she's still an average of 4.5. Hygiene was one but space was five Oh no Hello

It's picturesque Oh fuck I think I'm out I don't think I've got any more You know what you don't have any more because your dad sweeps the floor at the hairdresser's.

He does. He does though. I've got one more. Is that not there? I've got one more. That's fine. Kai. Kai.

Your dad just watched The Shining and was proud to know he's still the worst dad at the snow I've got one more Kai your dad is the colleague nobody invites Kai your dad tries to catch bird shits Kai

Kai your dad tries to catch bird shits on his tongue like snowflakes well Danny that's so him that's so him instead of pressing

control and C your dad goes into the drop down edit bar and selects copy go to dip one more your dad goes into the drop down edit bar and selects copy Sloss your dad believes in Santa but only that he's black

is that a wrap? Yeah Jesus Christ Right Well I don't know how the quality of this is going to turn out Sound wise But the quality of this guess wise Was second to fucking none If there is ever an advert

For you cunts donating So that in two months We'll be able to go separate ways We can have guests on Like Thank you so much Max von Kony That was Fuck it was a bit so that in two months with me and Kai go separate ways we can have guests on like thank you so much Max von Kody that was

we're shoulders with the funniest people in the world in the comedy industry I don't know I want to tell you I wasn't talking about your actual dads

oh well fucking well I was specifically talking about Kai's with every one of those yeah Kev's mental but Linda doesn't have

the stones to leave her he called the trip advisor we're not going to plug anything at the moment just just donate to this punch on comedy

if you're in the North East punch on comedy come stay at like Wilmot and John Robertson but everyone on this knows who Nick Cody and Andrew Maxwell are

thank you so much for coming on the podcast boys much appreciated that was incredible give them a round of applause wherever you are