Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.22 Crusher and Wofff

Episode Date: December 24, 2016

The belated second installment of our Altitude podcasts joined again by the majestic beast that is Crusher Cody and long time listner, first time caller, our very funny chum Gareth Wough. Also... we're drunk again, but 22 epsiodes in you might have gathered that this is par for the course. Merry Xmas 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Maggins and cream. Cream and maggins. Maggins and cream. Straight thagging. Living their dream. I've got one ear. Oh, you do have one ear. I lost an ear.

We are currently in the Atlantic Comedy Festival, and we were snowboarding today and kind of lost an ear. Now, this isn't in the Evander Holyfield, Mike were snowboarding today and kind of lost an ear. Now this isn't in the Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson type of way. It's not like at any point you went past me and I got so angry that I bit your ear off. And the most unbelievable part of that story would be that you ever passed me.

You are talking this game all day because you know the clown race tomorrow, which we're at Attitude Festival at the end of the festival every year. There's a race between comedians at the end of the festival every year there's a race between comedians at the end and looking at the competition I'll take your joke

and I'll leave it it's between me and you tomorrow who's going to win yeah I guess in the same way that our careers are between you and me

like someone's winning no no no hold on you get an audience because you've fucking done McIntyre's road show and flicked your hair

like a fucking bellend and everyone's like oh I love that Justin Bieber looking cunt oh I want to suck his dick and then all of a sudden a load of fucking 17 year olds

buy tickets to the fucking cream show and you're like oh fuck I need to make it funny and then you boot me to fucking something we're getting some

bang for that buck you know the thing is my fans grow with me your fans die with you I don't think thing is my fans grow with me your fans die with you. I don't think any of my fans

have died of a heroin overdose. Well speaking of heroin overdose you know when I asked if I could borrow your belt? No. I borrowed your belt off you. When?

You know when I asked if I could borrow your belt. Remember when I was at your house and borrowed a belt? Oh I figured because you were dressing up fancy for something and you borrowed a belt. I had a brown belt and black shoes. Yeah. I could borrow your belt remember when I was at your house and borrowed a belt I figured because you were dressing up fancy for something

I had a brown belt and black shoes I wanted a black belt so I borrowed your belt yeah what about it I just borrowed another one of your belts been wearing it all day haven't noticed

for those of you that can't see Kai has stolen the white cloth from my bathrobe and has been wearing it as a belt

all day did you steal that when we were in the in the go yeah no no let them join let them join

no no we've got guests they'll work it out here he is you think it's your bathrobe belt but Kai's actually got a white belt in life decisions. And you'll see I've got stitched on two yellow stripes.

Cody said piss stands off, mate. I feel like already at this point we've proven why we should introduce our guest before we get into your story. Returning guests, first ever guest and first ever returning guest, two episodes in a row. It's Crusher Cody. Why the fuck not? Hey. Hey, guys. Remember me?

I remember you boys from a couple nights ago. And we have a new Ginger on the podcast guest. On the podcast is Gareth Waugh Hello, three Gingers on the podcast that gets you the grant, so well done boys Can I just say as well Gareth Waugh, let's call him Gareth Waugh, tell him how it is

W-O-U-G-H Waugh L-A-U-G-H Laugh The same pronunciation from the place that thinks that a job is a fart W-O-U-G-H Woff. L-A-U-G-H Laff. The same pronunciation from the place that thinks that a job is a fart. I'm not giving you that.

Oh, by the way, in his Scottish language, job is a poo, not a blowjob. Oh, yeah. I thought he said, you think a job is a fart? I'm like,

oh, this must be inside. I don't know what the fuck he's doing. You let off a good old fart and fucking invoice them you're welcome no you think his Gareth's second name

is what W-A-U-G-H yeah yeah bang on so you think I know how to spell war W-A-R

there's been two of them well major ones there's been millions of them if you're saying war like you say war

Gareth War W-A-W where's the F come from? Where's the F come from? No, it's Waugh. It's L-U-A-U-G-H. We all know it. Give me one other word.

I didn't already laugh. If you go through a tunnel, do you go through a tunnel? You go through? Gareth Woo? I ain't Gareth Woo. I stand corrected. Gareth Woo. Ginger Chinese man.

How very rare. So, we'll get back to you, sir. Why are you deaf in one ear, you stupid cunt? Oh, no, wait, hold on. Gareth, you have to come up with a shady radio nickname. What's your nickname? Yeah, so we've got Muggins and Cream, clearly. And then we've got Crusher Cody.

Last week we had Meg. That was Andrew Maxwell's cunt, Meg. It was weird. He came up with Meg? Yeah. That was his nickname. cream clearly and then we've got Kusher Cody last week we had Meg that was Andrew Maxwell's cat Meg it was weird he came up with Meg yeah what was your nickname

in school Garth with an F Garth no no with an F though Garfield oh yeah it should have

been Woff with an F you've spelt Garth G-A-R-G-H by that logic I mean I wouldn't have spelt Woff like that for sure I got called Garfield

because he was ginger as well Garfield I do love lasagna I hate it but I do like hanging out with little twink

so go on Christian Garfield Christian Garfield so how did you go deaf when you were a supercant because you know when you come into land on a plane and your ear pops and you get blown you werecants? Because you know when you come into land On a plane and your ear pops

And you can blow Do you know when you come into land on a jump Just to paint this false idea of you Doing a jump that didn't involve the words You know when you come into land You're losing altitude And your ears pop on a plane And sometimes you have to hold your nose

And blow your cheeks out Well I was coming down the slope so motherfucking fast and your ears pop on a plane, and sometimes you have to hold your nose and blow your cheeks out, and it popped your ear. Well, I was coming down the slope so motherfucking fast that I was way, way faster than when a plane comes into land, right? My ears just went, we're not having this change in altitude, son. And one of my ears just went,

it's gone. Vacation. So I lost an ear. I tried to pop it out. I blew it. I've stood on my head and drank water upside down. I've hopped on one leg

and sang the National Anthem. All of the tricks that people tell you you do to get rid of a pop of air. I even had the hiccups at one point. I didn't even mean that.

If you put your finger in it I thought that would work. I thought you'd reset it. Put me what? If you put your finger in here for like five seconds make sure you press the button properly

and just fully reset it. I'm trying it now. Oh, you've got to press your belly button as well. Press both buttons. Maybe your dressing gown belt is too tight. So I'm trying it now. Oh, you've got to press your belly button as well. Press both buttons. Maybe your dressing gown belt's too tight. So I've lost an ear.

You've not lost an ear. Well, I mean, Is it the same side as your shit ear and the same side as your shit eye? I've got a shit nostril as well. Do you know that?

No. Coke's a hell of a drug. He's having a stroke. The longest stroke. It's taken 15 years. One year at a time. He loses his eye when he's like 15 years one year at a time so now he loses his eye when he's like three years old he lost his nostril when he was 15 it's his hair now just on his like 40th birthday he's just gonna be there just holding a glass of champagne and it's just gonna drop down

by his side prasikaika. So, right, this is damn straight. We're going to laugh and joke about this, but this is my life. I've got a fucking right bong eye, which I had squint surgery on,

which now rejects lenses. So now it's just a fucking duff eye. It points the right direction, but it doesn't work. It's an eye. You know what I mean? Super official.

And then I've got a defunct right nostril. Which is also facing the right way, but can't smell. It can't smell? It can't smell. It's blocking up all the time. I know I joke about coke, but no coke's everunct right nostril. Which is also facing the right way, but can't smell. Can't smell? It can't smell. It's blocked up all the time.

And I know I joke about coke, but no coke's ever went up that nostril because I had it broken before I ever touched the stuff. So I've had a broken nostril. How did you break your nose? I've been kicked in the face. I've been rugby knee.

You know, that classic move. I took a knee in rugby. I took a knee in a rugby game. Someone went to clear the football and cleared my face. I've been in a fight with Dorman. My nose has been fucking butchered, right? But my right nostril took all the hits.

My left nostril. My left nostril. Man, there's fucking two lanes of traffic going through there with no fucking congestion, right? The right nostril, it's cosmetic. It looks like a nostril.

It isn't one. It may as well be fucking bricked up, right? My right ear today just fucking decided, went, nah, I'm done mate so I've lost it right here right nostril right eye

butt butt butt me fucking right nipple still produces milk like a dairy cow I was gonna say because you're losing your senses kind of one at a time

like you've lost a little bit of your eyesight you've lost a little bit of your smell you've lost a little bit of your hearing today do you think your brain stopped paying rent?

Eviction. They're just... You're just not paying enough intelligence bills that your brain's just like, alright, if he's not using them, we're giving them for free. He's not using his eyes to read. He's not using his nose to smell flowers.

He's not using his ears to remember his girlfriend's name. Well, I'm going to be laughing on the other side of my face. In two years time, everything you say is going to look like you're telling a secret. Because it's just going to go in one side of your life. For Kai, the... Hey, buddy.

Hey, guy. I'm the man of this house, see? Let's get something straight here, boy. And by boy, I mean black person. That was a good Natalie reference. So, yeah, I've lost a side you've lost

a side of your face yeah do you reckon your right ball's slower than your left one

now it's higher it's higher than your left one is that good or bad your left

one hangs way lower yeah this was one of my first ever jokes in stand up

go I pretended I could remember when I was a sperm so I

started doing anecdotes about when I was a sperm. Dancing around in your mum's lips. And I was like... And they'd just be transferred to her finger while she... Insimilates herself. Why am I in this guy's arsehole?

Why am I back in my dad's mouth? And that's when my mother spewed in her own funny. So I did a bit about remembering when I was a sperm and I was just like, oh, so I was

swimming like a kipper. I was fucking flying. And I was like, I was pretending I was like an eagle. Soaring. Oh, I come from a saw like an eagle. Soaring. Oh,

I come from a saw cock. I don't know. So, I was pretending I was a sperm and I was winning the race and I was easily going to become the baby that was eventually me. But then I saw loads of other sperms

up ahead and I was like, who the fuck are those guys? And then I realised I must have come up the left nut because the left nut's lower than the right nut so they got a head start

so I had to swim past all them. Oh, so you think it's a race? That's why I was racing against them. Is that what it is? It's not a race. It's the first sperm that wins, isn't it? No, it's not. Well, it's not going to be

like a bunch of sperm get in and then your mum's egg just goes zip, dip, dab, do. It's the first one that gets there and then the rest get in going, ah. No, it's not. It's shamefully not.

Like the way, I only felt this the other day but it's like a wear and tear thing. Like, it's not No it's not It's shamelly not Like the way I've only felt this The other day But it's It's like a wear and tear thing Like it's like Don't imagine like The eggshell being like

The first one to touch it It's not den It's not like First one to touch it It's a baby It's more like It's like Tank armour

But then you're just Firing fucking So all the good ones All the fast ones All the good ones Like bust in Bust in Bust in

And then your fucking Little weak ass Got through last And then thinking No no no My fucking spear Had an iron glove And just fucking Bust through there One punch So all the good ones, all the fast ones. All the good ones. They bust in, bust in, bust in, and then your fucking little weak ass got through last. They've been thinking, no, no, no, no, my fucking sperm had an iron glove. It just fucking bust through their one-punch fucking sperm. It just bust in.

Yours was the little weakling that got in at the end. No, I just had, I was the first one that brought my ID. Had the right shoes on. First sperm got there. Not getting anywhere with those on. so we are currently all in Altitude Comedy Festival Nick Cody is in fact both of you first time ever at Altitude Festival

gingers in the snow how's it been for you so far? perfect well I can't ski or snowboard so it's been a lot of lugging my own shit I thought I could snowboard before I came here he turned up with the board yeah

this'll be fun yeah he did he's come with a board I'm sitting on the side of a fucking mountain with him I'm like good someone to my level and then five minutes later

I'm like where the fuck's Gareth I went right way off the side of the mountain he did way like not even as a joke like oh I fell

I literally went off the side of it how scared were you I wasn't even that bothered I felt you know I probably deserve this

I put on skis I've never put on skis and I don't know why I have this level of confidence about shit I've never done but I just put skis

on and went well I'll go that way and it's all going to work out and top five like I've seen air crash investigations episodes and your ego that wasn't as brutal killed way more passengers

it was terrifying i had to get a lesson by the way the lesson an austrian dude named uh ezzy he gave us an hour an hour lesson but because he does not speak any English or very limited English, he actually gave us 90 minutes. He gave us like a, yeah, time out. I don't know what I'm saying here. Really? Yeah. Why did he translate? Did he get a translator or was it just pictures?

No, no, no. It was just him slowly putting. So one instruction, like lean on the inline would take 10 minutes. So I think he just went well that's unfair that's fair I mean

he's a fucking legend I know how to ski now it made a bit to do with how slow you were skiing he was like oh man we can't end the lesson now he's only went 50 metres

I've learnt German in the time this bloke's learnt how to ski he gets to learn English by the time you get down's learned how to see. He gets learned English by the time you get down the slope. He just watched you fail at the first instruction so much he's like, I've got time. Hello there, Nicholas.

You've improved greatly. What the fuck is he? How long did it take? The guy had a beard by the end of it. He was clean shaven at the start of the lesson. He looks like fucking Dom Hanks in Castaway. He's just got a board with a handprint on it that he's named

Barton. Barton. Barton. It was like Skyslope Inception. I thought it was an hour lesson but it was eight years.

Yeah, we've had seven altitudes since you first came here. It's been many festivals. And yet, I still don't have a beard. So Gareth, you're snowboarding.

The thing with a snowboarder is you've got to be on a heel edge. Just a reminder, Gareth's a guest on the podcast. Just before you cut him down brutally, which you're about to. I feel like he's coming across very genuine and sincere. Let me rephrase. He's a guest on our podcast. Slay him. That makes more sense. You've got to do a heel edge.

You're on a snowboard, right? Heels are at one edge of the snowboard, your toes are at the other. If you don't know anything about snowboarding, that's all you need to know. If you don't know anything about heels or toes, walk and see. Listen to the hooky-cookie. Look at your feet. The bit that you can wiggle, that's your toes.

If you're wiggling your heel, join the circus. Your heel edge is where you break with your heels and your toes are pointing down the slope the other edge

is where you break with your toes your heels are pointing down the slope you can do both of those alright why can't you switch between the two

so I he goes down either the full slope on his toes or a full slope on his heels no no I've started trying to do it

after because you tried to help us out a bit so I've started trying to do it because I only tried to help us out a bit so I've started trying to do it because I only had so I had four one hour lessons six years ago and that's all I've ever done and I went

oh I can totally do this and I realised I can you're like when Cody started yeah yeah oh no Cody started four years before I did but no you helped us out a bit

and I've started trying to do it a bit more and then the amount of times I just fall I don't like I've not fell didn't you have a catchphrase when you fell when you spanked out wouldn't it be me what's the story behind that wouldn't it be me is I'll let you join in

is my favourite favourite Gareth thing that he does which I don't know where it came from so it started we were up Arthur's seat we were hunking hunting pokemon we were hunking, hunking, hunting Pokemon. We were hunking it. We were just sitting flexing. Muggles, by the way.

This gets more muggly. Yeah, it's pretty bad. So we are hunting Pokemon, and we're up Arthur's Seat, and the reason we're up Arthur's Seat... Somebody told us... No, not someone. A seven-year-old told us there was a Dragonite up there. And we believed him. Not someone A seven year old told us

There was a dragonite up there And we believed him We went all the way up It was pissing the rain And we took two of our friends with us And we believed the seven year old Like it was the fucking CIA Why would the seven year old

Not know about Pokemon Why would the seven year old Be up Arthur's seat Because if you don't know The list does He's got a really romantic Balester Arthur's seat seat because if you don't know the list he's got a really romantic molester he's a pedophile

don't get me wrong he fucks kids he does he's a bad man but like he whines and dines them first takes him to the wilderness

he takes you to Coco's in the ball pit because off a seat people might not know this off a seat isn't a bench that's

dedicated to someone's granddad that kept the good fucking allotment and elite competitions and put a plaque on a bench that's dedicated to someone's grandad that kept the good fucking allotment and then at league competitions and put a plaque on a bench that's not office seat

it might be in your town but in Edinburgh office seat's a big old cliff he's went over a cliff yeah extinct volcano so we went up there with a

no we didn't find it and we started walking down and we were with our mate Joe who um slipped and fell and I just did the muggly thing like I did so I don't think you know I don't think you get it in Scotland wouldn't he be me is it like a Scottish um like

when somebody tells you a bad story yeah they go oh that wouldn't be me I wouldn't be doing that you wouldn't see me doing that I would yeah so when Joe slipped and fell I went oh wouldn't it be me and I just like launched myself off the side of... But it was not like... It was the commitment to the bit. I'm talking like as steep as the cliffs are on these fucking mountains. I'm talking like 10 foot drop into like shrubbery. It's his... And he threw himself on purpose to commit to the joke. Just to the joke.

It wouldn't even be me. The joke itself, the joke itself written down wise, one out of 10 joke. But the delivery of that joke was it was like taking the worst joke in the world and just adding

the most fucking London theatre fucking flirt it was like Cirque du Soleil did it so he went wouldn't he be me threw himself off the cliff

so when you spaffed out on your snowboard today and went over the cliff you shouted wouldn't he be me I wish I did that's what I thought it was going to be

his dying words and that's I was just saying wouldn't he be me if that's how he died I wouldn what I thought was going to be his dying words and that's, I was just saying, wouldn't he be me? If that's how he died, I wouldn't be able to tell his mum how he died with a straight face. Like,

I'd be, I could take weeks. He died with a gay face. It's just, there was this thing, Mrs, Mrs Woff, shut up,

we both know as Woff. Shut up. You know, the business background. You're sonless. Ah, your son died doing what he loved. I'm so sorry, I'm not laughing. It's a joke. Shut up. You're not in the business, you're sad. Ah, you're sad, die,

doing what he loved. I'm so sorry, I'm not laughing. It's a joke. It's a joke. How much per letter on the tombstone? Okay,

okay, that's W-A-F. Right, let's take a quick drink and refill break and also we need to sort this fucking thing out because it's about to die

right we're back this might cut out at random moments but tough shit yeah well battery's low just so you know yeah our battery's very low so we're now

we've got 40 minutes left to do at this point I reckon we can get through it but it might cut out at some point before we go on to any of our games with our guests

I want Cody to tell a story. So just to give a bit of backstory to the story, you've done loads of gigs way out for the military and the troops. Microphone, please. Yeah. Yes. Yes, your honour.

Into the microphone, please, sir. Correct. So you've done loads of gigs out for the trips and stuff so you've got a lot of friends who run in

like the Australian SES which is like the British SES but fake and that's how he died just one blazer

yeah all these points on his head oh sloss wrong move buddy you two get closer together so you can join in easier. Let's fucking kiss. Bye.

One of my favourite stories that you've told me, I just want to get you to tell, works for two reasons. One, obviously, your fiancée, which is the least violent woman in the world. Oh, she's the largest pacifist. So she hates the idea of... Any violence.

Can't watch the UFC,c any army stuff she doesn't like horror movies just no violence oh uh yeah so a mate of mine uh who uh who i was hanging out with we were over in perth for my birthday perth in australia perth comedy festival was on um we're out with a group of the SAS guys. And one of them is a mate of mine who looks like a superhero, like six foot, huge unit. And Looch has gotten to know him and she's super nice. And they're starting to chat.

And she comes up to him at a karaoke bar that we've gone to for my birthday. And before the song starts, she just leans in and goes, hey, I've got to ask. And she's a bit sincere. My mate said, yeah, Looch, what is it? She goes, I just need to know, have you ever killed anyone? And my mate just pauses for a second. He goes, yeah.

And Looch's face just gets so sad. He goes, you want a drink, Looch? And she's like, yeah. Which. Fucking hell. Sweet job. Yes. Yes, I have.

Just because I'm totally with Looch on the side of that. Like, I'm not. I think. But you're a really bad soldier if you haven't right do you know how many soldiers kill people I don't know what the stats is

how many of them are just like at the ready how many are at the ready that high level like SAS and Commando they're like on the the jobs they're on the jobs

in the Middle East where it's like get in get the guy get the fuck out if it's SAS level you're not going to get the gig unless you've killed people

you know what I mean you're not going to get the gig unless you've killed people. You know what I mean? You're not going to get a fucking game from a Premier League team if you haven't scored a goal in the fucking Sunday. I think they teach you how to kill people. I don't think you turn up like, hey guys, I'm 18. I've murdered heaps of cunts. There's bodies in places you'll never find anyway. I also worked at Woolworths, so you're my boy.

Yeah, well, you turn up to the army with a CV like just for like hearing my previous credentials but to validate my point the SCS is like some next level shit

that's like club versus country so you've got to be in the army for a little while you're not just going to get an in base level SCS you've got to pick them up off the street

to put in the sass so yeah you've got to you've got to have a few goals at club level to get a game for your country right you've got to have a few kills in the army to get called up off the street to put you in the sass so yeah you've got to you've got to have a few goals at club level to get a game for your country right you've got to have a few kills in the army

to get called up for the SES no I don't think it's exactly like that I think it's more temperament mental capacity to deal with

some full on shit it's like watching yeah I think for a lot of it is you can't go to training because they just because they take you

to training and if you break at any point you're not fair enough. They need the top 1% of people. It's more like the NBA draft you can pick from high school. They don't have to go through college

to be picked. I think that's what it's more like. You can go there for four years or you can just be... And unlike the NBA, it's more beneficial if you've droned a puppy. And I'm going to stand by it that you've got to have had a kill for some military

before you get called up to the SCS because no matter how much the character profile you if you end up sniping someone and then just like

turn into a sissy crying and shit no no no but I think the level of training gets them to a point like I know mates of mine have said

they shoot 8,000 rounds a day for their first 18-month training thing, like 8,000 bullets a day, and regular Army shoot sometimes 30. Some higher-level infantry might shoot more, but they're shooting 8,000. So when it gets to the point, I think it's a – obviously, they're very smart. They can detect different things. But, I mean, if you're shooting 8,000 a day

a person and a thing's gonna be I just love this two people that would never get into the SAS this is this is being watched by two guys

who definitely could not get into the SAS yeah we're closer than you shut up nerds what? I got into the Marines when I was 21 wait is it

what is it a fucking school trip or something no no no I passed the test and then I got a job somewhere else and I went and fucked the Marines in. Wait, you passed what test? The Marines...

You're a human. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They went, oh, could you spell Marine? And I went, no. They went, you're in. No, I did the running thing and then the... The brief test. No, no, they make you run like a certain distance and a thing.

Yeah, you went to the test, Gareth. Could you just like a certain distance and a thing so I go back Gareth could you just like fuck off yeah yeah and keep running yeah mate yeah you got the job yeah you win

let's see how your asshole stands up to a wedgie and be like oh I've had training in that don't you worry if I get tortured I will not break most of the waters

are in the desert right now and yours ginger is the gum aye aye aye but so like when I when I go back ginger on ginger crime yeah I go back from Australia when I was 19 not break. Most of the waters are in the desert right now and yours ginger is the gum. Aye, aye. Aye. But so, like, when I go back... Ginger on ginger crime. Yeah, I go back from Australia when I was 19 and I did all the marine tests

and passed them all and then... Were you doing them in Australia? No, no, no. When I got back from Australia, I didn't have a job. And then I went, oh, I'll do that or... He says marine tests, so you got a job at the aquarium. Yeah. I had clean goldfish tanks for my neighbor it paid me five pounds and he made me run a lot

he wouldn't even let you into that house to clean it that would bring the goldfish to yours yeah to be fair so you got in the marines but you didn't i passed out so i was i was really gonna do it and i went i'm gonna do it unless I get a job before I turn 21. And then in August, when my birthday's September, the month before, I literally got given, somebody offered us a job, and I took that instead. So you could have had a very different life because you could have been dying on the battlefield,

and now you're just dying on stage. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I'm dying on the slopes. It's nice to know when the two options were presented, you chose to be a coward. Oh, every time. I'm dying on the slopes. That's nice to know when the two options were presented you chose to be a coward. Oh. Oh. Every time.

And the fact that we're all sitting in this room I know every single one of you would have done the same thing. No, no. Honestly. Would you? I started worse.

What do you think's going on in Aleppo? I applied. I applied for the fucking RAF, right? I was 16 years old. I applied for the fucking RAF right I was 16 years old applied for the RAF right they sent me for an eye test

and they sent me back a list of jobs I could do and I couldn't do but they didn't just send was the eye test just was just

dude was them doing like the eye test with the letters but all the letters are RAF and you still got it wrong oh yeah yeah RAF dude I was applying for the army

I couldn't read the sign at the door. So I'd done the eye test, just regular opticians. It wasn't like a fucking military spec one. I just had to get a spec service. And they sent the results of my eye test. He walked into the building and that's why he never got the job.

I should have walked through the door. So they sent us a list of all of the RAF jobs that they are, all the way down from fucking technicians and officers and all weapons loadmasters and all that, right? With crosses next to them, right? All of them had crosses. RAF jobs was ridiculous. The list of technicians, officers...

Loadmasters, putting the weapons on the planes. He's interrupting the story for no reason. At least let it be good. By RAF, he means Ryan Air Force. That's how poor he was. We're going on dollar missions to Poland. If it was Ryan Air Force, because there was one job at the bottom

that had a tick next to it. So everything else is basically... Not, not, not, not. So they're marking you They're marking you as well They've not just said Here's the job you're They're like being like Possible?

Nah This is based on my test This pre-aptitude test They didn't know my aptitude Yeah Katerin I could have meant the sandwiches All the boys going off to war

You just come in with your apron on You've cut the crust going off to war. You just come with your apron on. You've cut the crusts off the sandwiches. Why are all the sandwiches only half-butted? I said, I said, cut my sandwiches into triangles. I mean, I couldn't see it.

I just took a punch. I just cut a slice and then I followed. They're busy filling up on Jack Daniels right now. That's necessary. So, yeah, I couldn't get in the RF. But what was I saying? Point in the hand was that I honestly think to get in the SES, they're not just going to take a punt on your temperament.

I think you've got to smoke some people first. I think that's really in fact, yeah. I mean, no, I think the one that I've called bloodless killers, right? No, no, no. No, it's actually the opposite. Their original job is like to get behind enemy lines,

stay there for six weeks with no help and just surveillance. And then in the last 15 years, it's become more like capture. That's what SEO stands for,

surveillance and safety. It's actually short for sassy. Oh, Taliban dressed like that? No way. Oh, Taliban dressed like that? No way. Oh, he's got a blue ribbon. I'd love one with this uniform.

Socks and sandals? I don't think so. Purple armor like purple-headed monster. We're gonna get killed off this podcast. The fucking Taliban will listen to this. No, the SES. Oh, yeah, they all listen to it. Man, if the Taliban were.

That's why you didn't get into the Air Force. Who are our allies? The Taliban? All right, go make some sangas, you fucking... Do ISIS not have an air force I mean nah they can't fly goats oh my god

oh OMG you just made the Taliban oh no you didn't all I'm saying is if they listen to this and they see that your Facebook profile has a picture that you drew of Muhammad... I would never draw Muhammad. Ali, his face already looks like it's been beheaded.

Just one eye out to the side. I'm sorry, Kai. I've got a face like my head's rolling round in a bucket so yeah we're not here to make enemies you know if there's any

Taliban listeners thanks for listening buy my USB you're dead and then enemies made all round shall we

go on to our first game yes yep so our first as always game is at Muggle corner for those of you that have not listened to the for those of you have not listened to the podcast before i.e gareth i listen three you listen well not a big fan like all right what did we call muggles in the three

that would do yeah i call you a bluff if you're such an expert so muggles is a term from harry potter that just means normal people whereas you guys use it as quite a derogatory term which means people that aren't that interesting or inventive or whatever cody's not happy with the description there i definitely think it's somebody that's listened to all 20 episodes yes also the one i've been on narciss? Yeah, it's just we got so drunk that night that I woke up in the morning and I was like, fuck, I forget what they said about me dad. So I had to listen again.

No, I think it started as derogatory and then now it's just become even shit that these guys do. Yeah, yeah. They've softened. They've softened their harsh stance. We're still derogatory, but to ourselves. For sure. When we're being you can still do muggly things when you're not a muggle when we're being derogatory about muggles we will still go as hard on ourselves

if we're guilty of something so I'll go first this is just a weird one, I've never done this but I just feel like it is a muggly thing muggles make signs at protests now I'm not saying Protesting is muggly It's absolutely not

Right I've never been to a protest But I absolutely Go into a protest Necessarily Understand But I've never met them

The people that make the signs I feel like that's a This makes sense to me Because you know Like us four Muggles, Cream, Garf and Crusher All went for a protest Right

I'd be like Oh protest tomorrow Everyone meet at nine Cream Make the sign Will you You know what I mean crusher all went for a protest right i'll be like oh post has tomorrow everyone made it nine cream make the sign will you you know the recruitment losers with a fucking with a loser i think if i even went to protest i'd probably go along but it's like a football game i wouldn't take a sign to a football game do you know i mean yeah no i think the worst protester is the one that has the megaphone trying to start the chance what do What do we want? Yeah.

Something. When do we want it? I mean, well, just whenever the petition passes. They're getting to be 16, 24 bars, some of these chants. These people just love a microphone. They want to bust out a rhyme about a foreign policy that they wrote. I feel like, how angry, how angry, whenever you get angry at something, right, I've been angry at many, many things, but the first thing I've never done is gotten like A3 paper and some paint and some glitter, been like, oh, I'm so fucking pissed off. Yeah, and if you're so angry.

Dad, just pritt stick. Yeah, if you're so angry. Like, tongue sticking out your mouth. If you're so angry. Going outside the line, pinning the thing. That wasn't good enough. They will know I didn't convey the anger with the font there.

I shouldn't have used comic sans. I knew I shouldn't have used No, this is the thing. Their anger towards what they're protesting is not as high as the regard that they have

for their own sign. So they want it to be prettier than they care because if it wasn't, it would just be fucking texta. You just draw it on with a pencil. Fuck this, I'm angry and there's swearing in it

and it's written really poorly but they've taken their time to do this beautiful artwork oh calligraphy correspond with the passion oh calligraphy classes just to be like

I just really want to get like the just the nice little swirls on this Donald Trump hashtag not my president sign that one person

is going to take a picture of and it's going to get onto Buzzfeed half of the blokes that are making picture of and it's going to get onto Buzzfeed. Half of the blokes that are making these signs are probably just trying to get laid off feminists. They're just protesting to get their dick sucked. I hope I get

Facebook likes when I post this. I feel like to go in and make this sign. Signs to me used to have the posts. Yeah. Like a blackboard. To to me used to have the posts. Yeah. Like a flat pad. Yeah, now they just hold them.

Do they not put it on wood no more? Yeah, not at all. Look at the B&Q and go, hello mate, could I get a three footer

please? I am going to a protest tomorrow, I'm pro-choice. I think I'm going to start a protest for better signs and protests.

You're going to B&Q. Get some pride in it mate get a 2x4 but what if they get you know the for like the deforestation do they have the

wooden thing yeah do they do yeah do PETA use like environmentally friendly cards they use glue

with fucking animal bone you know horse horse bone marrow in the glue. Is that true though, that horses are made out of glue? No, wait. Horses are definitely made out of glue.

That is a scientific fact. That's why they've got so much hair on them. Rolling around on the carpet, you silly horse. They're just built like pigs normally. But one of them found the clue rolled it kept standing on stuff and ended up getting taller

I just remembered a fucking it would be a muggle fact if I thought it now but I was about 8 years of age 8 or 9 and I saw a form guide

like where you can check the horse races for that day and everything and I saw a form guide where you can check the horse races for that day and everything. And I saw the weights next to the names of the horse and the jockey, and I said to my dad, 58 kilos, a horse, I almost weigh as much as a horse. And he had to be like, no, that's the jockey, you fucking idiot. As if in the onr're body shaving the horse.

And two weeks before I was probably hoisted onto one and I thought I'm only a couple of kgs off that beast. Must be all air in there. In the red corner weighing in at 58 kilos Bloody Valentine.

With the reach of 12 hands Nick the Crusher Cody! Heat magazine picking up Red Rum's beach body photos will shock you She won the cup and now see what it's done to her Baby wait it's just not gone

I know that's a dick sorry I didn't realise that was a male horse but to get to my original point muggles make signs I will even take it outside protests I reckon you go to wrestling, you go to UFC you go to any sport

you take a sign even if it's a funny one and even if I laugh at it you're still guilty of being a muggle do you know why it's really muggly? it's because you're doing it to get on telly you're making that sign so that... Oh, yeah, it's never for the...

You're never going, I want to actually get this point across. You're not trying to get the point across. You just want to be... To me, I love American football. One of the worst things I see is like six guys lined up with giants, spelled like G-I-A-N-T-S.

They had to paint each other. Get in order. Yeah, they're holding up beers like they're these fucking loose units. It's like you're the most organised sack of sad cunts ever. One of you was in charge of paint. You probably had to practice for weeks. One guy painted the rest. It's even creepier. Well, you take Steve or you take Eddie.

That'd make sense. But all the letters are... Barry's not big and... Barry's not small enough for a bee. So I just... He's got to be the eye. There's no bee in Giants. I lost the metaphor.

It's not even a metaphor. We spend the afternoon cutting stencils. Yeah, if you've been saying... Like, you know what? Fight for your thing. Do that. Unless it's at the airport yeah otherwise

terrible taxi driver it's a lot of glitter mate I don't know you that's what I was saying signs at the airport are different because signs at the airport aren't for anyone else

it's not to try and get attention it's just to get the attention of the person we're in the corner for this I didn't even realise you and me made signs you did make me sign i made you with one with a ginger beard but i used like orange felt to give you a beard yeah like we went to get felt for that

we picked cody up from the airport when he came over for the ember fringe festival and me gene and kai stayed up two different signs oh totally right oh no it was three ones three oh yeah sorry we stayed up all night, and I'm talking like two bottles of wine just making these signs, just doing full well, but the second you come through, you're like,

that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. I loved it. I'm so happy. I loved it, but you're at the wrong terminal. Yeah. So I just stood there like, where is everyone?

Then they're running down with signs. We had to run down the whole thing. Yeah, we generally... A lot of arts and crafts, not a lot of looking at boards this is me like because I got on a flight

an hour earlier than you guys did to here and I had to wait an hour for you guys to turn up and I remember texting you going I was going to stand with a sign saying lads

and then I went but I didn't want to end up on Muggle Corner and now you've just brought up on Muggle Corner even though you text me going you'd be a fucking legend

if you did that. I just realised that's totally true. So, Gareth texted me just when we land, I almost made a sign but I didn't want to be

at Muggle Corner and I'm like, it would make you a hero, does it? And I've just completely, completely forgot about that. It would only be better

if all the letters were in like, dick font. Like, if you made every line a cock. That would have saved it. that would have totally saved it so now you know

when you come to the fringe next year I'm assuming you are we're going to stand with Cordy's tattooed on my chest yeah tattoos tattoos

I'm very committed sorry I mean info penny Blythe so we should we definitely got to put the C or D Y on oh yeah yeah

you could like oh wait like the Giants you got to convince I'm going to-D-Y on oh yeah yeah you could like oh wait like the Giants you got to convince I'm going to get Blythe on one set of knuckles and Cody on the other

Blythe's got an E in it doesn't it no no but it's still got five letters B-L-Y-T-H yeah it would be weird if you had like

Blythe on your knuckles because you'd have to have one on your thumb knuckle so it wouldn't be shown you would have like you would have B-L-Y-T so you have Blythe on your knuckles because you'd have to have one on your thumb knuckle. So it wouldn't be shown you would have like, you would have B-L-Y-T so you'd have Blythe and then you'd have the H on your knuckle of your thumb. That wouldn't

be on display. It would be as shit as B-L-Y-F. Blythe. Blythe. Like you pronounce my fucking name. B-L-Y-O-U-G-H. Kai, spelled K-A-I-G-H.

What's your muggle corner? Wait, hold on. Do we all agree making signs muggle as fuck? Yeah, but now we've got to do that. Yeah, we've got to go in the corner. Stand in the corner with all the beautiful levels of friendship you had for me you muggly cunts My muggle corner has dads that name their son

after them It's mainly Daves If you're called Dave, the chances are your dad's called Dave and he's a muggle I feel like Andrew I feel like Andy It's names with variables like Bill will give birth to a William. If you're a Bill or a William, that's exactly that.

I've come from like seven years of Willys, right? Seven generations of Willys. You said Dave's. Dave's were most likely to do the Dave Jr. And that's a very muggly thing. I just think Dave, I know there's a very muggly thing. I just think Dave I know there's a lot of successful Davids

Name seven. I don't know many good Daves. David Attenborough. David Blaine. No, no, no. David. David.

David. Name anything. Dave Attenborough. Dave. Dave Blaine. Dave Blaine. G'day guys. I'm just going to sit

on this couch for fucking weeks. It's going to be sick. Doing it anyway Dave Dave Off instead of Davidoff it's the rip off it's the rip off brand

smells better than actual Dave let's back on if anyone if you call David right and people are starting to call you Dave now they'll give up on you

they'll give up they'll quit if they thought you were going to be any success, they'd call you David still. I ran it in. They went, ah, he's a Dave. Fuck him. Fuck him.

He's a Dave. Name your son Dave. He'll be unsuccessful too. Yeah, that's totally true. The second they take the official signing bit off your name, I think if, yeah. Yeah, and this is coming from a Nick who was born a Nicholas. Yeah.

Born a Sir Nicholas Yeah I feel like if I ever get called publicly Danny Like I get called Oh no because Sloss is still tired So I guess that's actually fine Being referred to by your second name Even though it's your dad's second name Still fine

Oh yeah I get called Waif all the time Oh yeah you've got to take the second name If anyone tries to shorten my name you've got to take the second name. Don't be that hard on yourself. If anyone tries to shorten my name, they've got to fucking stutter. So, if you call your kid by the same name as you, like if I was to call my kid fucking, oh, I've got a kid, call him Kai. Nah, don't give him part of your identity.

Like, your shit identity. Just give him a new name. Let him go I agree with my dad gave me the middle name David yeah

gave you the middle name David yeah and I went but it's not Gareth Dave what yeah so it's not over yeah yeah

I've still got David but he like his name's Kenny and he went oh it's because my name's David and I went

what are you talking about and I found out my dad's name's David you didn didn't know your dad's name no he's been called kenny for 20 years why has he been called kenny because his dad's name was david and it was to separate the two of them so my dad's a muggle right no my dad's dad was a muggle and the dad's a half blood yeah which makes me a quarter bloodblood, which is fine. Stand in the corner for a minute thirty. For all the wrongdoings of your relatives. Do you know how many Davids you come from?

I didn't know this, Gareth. David, what for? Is it Grandad Dave? Has he fallen apart? I never met him. Oh, no. Sounds like a good bloke. Sorry.

Which means he died early, which means it could be a Dave. So he called... Yeah, well, the thing is... Sounds like a Dave thing to do. Monster truck rally. It doesn't make sense, though. It doesn't make sense.

It's like, so my granddad's name's David. They called his kid David, and then they went, oh, that's too complicated, so we'll call him Kenny for short. They used to always tell us... Kenny for short for David. They used to always go,

oh, we'll call him Kenny for short. That's longer than David. If you have a son called David and you think the shorter version of David is Kenny, then you're a Dave. That is sublime. Why do you just call him Kenny I still call him

everyone I know calls him Kenny he had a day of 7 years in and went Kenny everyone in the world calls him Kenny everyone in the world knows this story well now they do everyone that knows him

so all 9 of us I'm eight of them I just need to ask an inclusion so you're saying if you're Kai and you call your kid Kai you're a muggle

if I call my kid Daniel I'm a muggle what would be the name Junior because I think no the Junior that Junior goes part and parcel

do you know as well after Junior it's a third so if you're the third so if your grand if your grand is David if you weren't Gareth if you were David you would be David what the third So if you're grand If you're grand as David If you weren't Garth If you were David

You would be David Wall the third It's actually The Blythe Guidebook to Royalty You'll never get your own crowned cunt So you'll call your kid my name And then his name will continue And then he'll sound slightly princey Everything that is light

And the corner shot touches Dave the third Everything that's street lamp light touches slightly princy everything that is light and the corner shop punches is yours dive the third everything that's street lamp light touches is yours is yours

that dark area don't go there that's thunderland that's the allotment there's cramming in there's nick cramming in so I'll agree with you we all agree

so if you're calling a kid if you're calling a kid if you're calling a kid the same name as you lack of creativity you believe in yourself too much that you're going to pass your name on to them

hold on just before we go into this I don't women don't do that as much as men at all I can't I can name at least ten blokes

that have named their kid I've never met it's macho bullshit it is it's macho bullshit and you know what if you're in that line if you're listening to this

and go oh I've been called Dave because my gran had called me dad Dave and so on it's so bullshit right just bullshit and you know what if you're in that line if you're listening to this and go oh I've been called Dave because my gran had called me dad Dave and so on it's so bullshit right just go and look up at your

fucking family tree and go fuck you muggles right and call your kids something else call them Kai I tell you what just

you know how you've got that bit about going against like inherent sexism we just actually have like changing I know what the loop is I know why that's never happened

because if you're a Tabitha and you want to call your daughter Tabitha Junior, if you're with a guy that's smart enough to know that's a terrible thing, he'd say, no, you can't do that. That's what muggles do. But if you're with a guy dumber than that, dumber than you, he's going to say, no, we call it Daryl Junior. You know what I mean? Like he's too dumb to let women have a say or he's too smart to let a muggle name the kid. He's going to say, nah, we call it Daryl Jr. You know what I mean?

He's too dumb to let women have a say, or he's too smart to let a muggle name the kid. It's built in. It's just a loop that closes on itself. Imagine going out with a girl. What's your name? She's just gorgeous. She's in a bow.

What's her name? What's her name? Katie. Katie what? Katie Jr. I Junior I was nearly Linda Linda Linda quick backstory

to that and joke one of our favourite things to do anywhere in the world is just shout out Kai's mum's name

randomly in crowded places as if she's there Linda and she's there Linda and they're scolding her Linda Linda now the thing is

the thing is we do have to keep it there because we do have neighbours I hope she's not called Linda I get paranoid I think I'm going to be next door what I will say to all of our fans listening to this podcast

honestly just wherever you are right now just at any level of volume just say the word Linda and just see if it brings as much joy to your life as it does to ours. Because I reckon I've shouted it on mountains

when nobody was near me, just trying to start avalanches. Am I wrong or is it a name designed to be yelled at? Nobody goes, Linda. Linda! Yeah, nobody's written poetry about a Linda. Another half, looking for Linda. Is the song called Looking for Linda looking for Linda

could have been Belinda there's another chick looking for Linda Junior wouldn't it be me wouldn't it be you yeah no we'll give you I'll absolutely give you that one naming kids

after yourself uh you're a fucking muggle um no no let's let's stop just to save just to save it

and then I'm gonna use the last of the battery on you for the second half but yeah oh it's like we're back immediately oh it's weird how editing works um Nicholas Cody

second time guest thank you record holder muggle's corner tied record holder Oh, it's weird how editing works. Nicholas Cooley, second time gaster. Thank you. Record holder. Muggles Corner. Tied record holder. Yeah, Maxwell dropped off. Soft cock.

Muggles Corner. Muggles laugh at funny announcements on planes and trains. Oh, abso-fucking-lutely. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be getting pretty high we're in the sky ladies the cabin crew are going to be coming around handing out soft drinks

or booze if it's that time of day for you shut up can't fly the machine I had a Ryan Airflate or F I had a Ryan F late Or F

I did not think with the level of hard work we all are That during this episode There would ever be anything resembling a callback Let alone A spectacular one Sorry guys what are your names So So I was on a Ryan Airplane

just fucking kicking it just chilling doing my thing and it comes up on the tally we're going to experience a little

bit of turbulence coming in the land the ground's wind speed is 30 miles an hour blah blah blah Linda Linda

I was like man that's a good quip so he just went so it's going to be a bit of a bumpy landing lock and load he lock and load Like, man, that's a good quip. So he just went, so it's going to be a bit of a bumpy landing.

Lock and load. He locked and loaded us, me and another guy laughed because we thought that was a fucking kick-ass thing to do. It's just to say lock and load at the end of the announcement. He scared everyone. He terrified everyone. It's like having your, like, I've got a catchphrase when I fly planes

and it just so happens, look, guys, I had this catchphrase before I was a pilot but it is heads between your knees look i'm not getting rid of it right it was on my cv ladies and gentlemen i know uh i know i've got a weird nickname but i am your captain james landing on the runways for Poofters Johnson. The first 99% is going to be great, and then call your loved ones. P.S. Wi-Fi, we will charge you. If you live at the farm near the airport,

you're going to get dropped off your house. Hope you didn't name any of those pigs super clued horses so what so yeah if they do like a quip and they just try to cause you know

cause I've seen the videos where like where's the guys the ones that rap southwest airlines in the US shut the fuck up

you fucking nerds our advice is turn off your electronic devices and then wrap the shit muggles know the US shut the fuck up you fucking nerds R.A.D. vases turn off your electronic devices and they wrap the shit muggles know the words to the raps that fucking airline

stewards do in viral videos he wrote that that was one of the things of the R.A.F. that's a cool straighter now Air New Zealand have put a lot of

the airline Air New Zealand have you YouTube their like safety videos at the start they've putaland have you youtube they're like safety videos at the start they've put in so much effort they've got like all blacks players in it and favorite musicians and whatever and as much as you can go thanks for trying your best you're all a bunch of fucking muggles just tell me what to do if the fucking face mask falls out

of the roof that's's all I need. Stop trying to make it this, whoa, we've got to fly. You've got to make it pay attention. Now you know I know. Yeah, don't act like you're my buddy if you're going to take my headphones out. Mind you, I will point out that having an interesting way to, that thing there with the New Zealanders, trying to engage the audience to listen to the instructions.

That bike ride, one of my first flights when I was about eight years old, I was flying over to America where my cousins live out in Maine. It was my first ever big flight. I was going with my car. Yeah, mate, we've all done canon. My first one was when I was eight. I'm on the flight and I'm like eight or nine years old and I'm loving it. But I'm watching the air instruction video and I'm just amazed that I'm like eight or nine years old and I'm loving it but I'm watching the air instruction video and they show I'm just amazed that I'm on a plane so I'm just watching little bits of the video of the flight instructions and I turn around just at the point when they show the plane landing

in the water and I see and they just explain how the inflatable slides work and for that whole 12 hour flight because that was the only bit I paid attention to. That's how I thought we got off the plane. Even though we walked onto the plane, I'm just so amazed at the plane. The video's on and I just see a slide coming out of the plane. I'm like, that's how we get off the plane? How old were you exactly? Eight years old. So you already had your high heels off because you wasn't allowed to see it?

I was so disappointed. I was so disappointed. I genuinely thought you got a slide to get off the plane. Can you imagine how disappointed I was when we got to the luggage carousel? It's like the shittest show ride of all time. Goes for 14 hours, then you have a slide at the end. Whee! So a lot of build-up for fuck-all payoff. Much like that joke.

I feel like Pete. Oh no, they're becoming self-aware. The pilots just flew you in a machine across the Atlantic and you're excited because you get to use a banana slate. Man, I was thrilled. Imagine that. No, but tell me honestly. We all fly a lot.

Me, Kai, Nick fly a lot. Gareth, you've seen a plane. Yeah, this is your first time abroad. Are you trying to fly off Arthur's seat? You're not a plane, mate. There's Dragonite. Well, I'm a plane mate. I am a plane.

I'm a plane mate. I've completed my hours. You're saying we fly a lot? Oh, yeah, so... I feel like... Because you're borrowing the shit out of me! I feel like... You know when you get those two pens when you're a kid

and you can write one and it's invisible ink and the other one lets you see what it sees? I feel like planes are that for muggles. You spot them from a mile off because they're on planes. What do you mean? So, like... Oh, you can spot muggles. Like, you spot them from a mile off because they're on planes. What do you mean? So, like... Oh, you can spot muggles on a plane so quickly. Yeah, so much easier, yeah.

If you see people walking down the street, you couldn't tell they're muggles. But the second, like, a plane's involved... You're saying, like... I'm saying, like, a plane is the invisible... A plane is a muggle enhancer. Yeah. Like, it really brings...

You're like Terminator. You've just got red vision. They're breaking everything. Like a UV light. Like, yeah, yeah, You're like Terminator, you've just got red vision, they're breaking everything. Yeah, but it's just like a UV light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like a UV light because it compresses all the air, it also compresses all the muggle into the people inside so it's just muggling out of them. You see them looking for their space to put their bag up in the...

Oh, oh, there's their space. Oh, that's Spawn. And they like put their passport to the guy and go, first time visitor. Oh, really nice to be in your country. Fuck you, you muggle cunt. Just don't smile at the person. Show them the passport. Get the stamp and fuck off.

Yeah. Then they sit down in an aisle seat before anyone's sat in the middle of the window seat. They put their belt on. Put the belt on. Put the belt on. We're not going to have to get up and get up. We're still driving about, mate. We've not even took off yet.

It is a muggle amplifier. It's like plugging in a jack to the muggle fucking sound system. It's a muggle megaphone. An airplane is an absolute muggle megaphone. So if people are doing jokes on the announcement system, it's for you muggles. It's for you muggles. It's to help detect you.

Maybe that's what it's for. Maybe the airlines are like, all right, let's do this funny thing so we know which dumb cunts we're gonna have to deal with yeah but also if the plane crashes we know what names not to really try and remember those are the ones that are not getting the fucking two paragraph obituaries they're getting like oh and steve died no segment there are 158 souls on board and 36 husks of human beings I hate it when the pilot as well starts giving you

your advice on your bus tour and he's like, if you look out the left window what are we talking about? it's just clouds nobody's ever went, well I actually would quite like to see this tell us about the history of that mountain you'll see the farm

where I was raised, just waved to my mum. Just everyone of you that waved, all muggles. Everybody yell out Linda. She listens out for it every day. I am your captain Dave. Dave Jr.

Right, Gareth, what's your muggle corner suggestion? Muggles Say About their pets That their pet Thinks it's another thing So like

Muggles will have a cat And go My cat's Polly's mental She thinks she's a dog Yeah Yeah No she doesn't

She thinks She's a cat And Yeah. No, she doesn't. She thinks she's a cat. And why are you so happy about it? If your cat thinks it's a dog and you're happy about it, I think you wanted a fucking dog. This only extends itself to cats and dogs. I've never seen anything that's been like, I tell you what, my horse thinks it's a fish.

It's dead. It's just floating in a pond I can't breathe I can't breathe what I'm saying I'm done what I'm saying is there's a dead horse

in the pond I had nothing to do with me officer wouldn't it be me can I extend can I extend your muggle corner in saying that

anybody that refers to themselves as the pet's parent oh I genuinely thought with the tone of this show I thought you'd be like corner and say that anybody that's the first selfish stuff pets parent I genuinely thought with the total issue was I thought you'd be like anyone right he thinks their sons their daughter I'm like nope nope too deep for this podcast if you'd like uh we made one of best mates from back home David kind of put on like oh he always likes to be near his daddy he puts a picture of his dog I mean

I've seen you I've seen your dog I wouldn't let you see the dog's mum that's what the hybrid looks like no what you didn't do is when he says

daddy like you're assuming like biological I think he means sex wise daddy you didn't watch the video

there's peanut butter and his pants are off right cans just rub peanut butter on his dog are off right can't just rub peanut butter in his dog's balls he's the only guy

to lick peanut butter off his dog's dick which would have been a great your dad not even smooth peanut butter gets the one with the chunks in

licks up his dog's dick but you hit on a good point there it's never like it's always like oh my dog thinks it's a person it's never like my fucking tortoise thinks it's a jellyfish it's never that it's never that

it's very binary between the oh my dog thinks it's a cat because sometimes he just plays with Paul's yarn he just knocks him out he watches the telly he knows the theme from Animal Hospital he does run up a tree

my cat's humping my leg she's going right at it oh my wife my wife thinks she's a Komodo dragon well she's 135 old Indonesian woman very leathery

I will totally agree in the sense yeah I just think if it was real there would be a broader spectrum it's not even personifying your cat sometimes I would argue or your pets a little bit

oh my cat's a dick if someone goes my cat's a dick I'm like ah well you've that's a white spectrum do you think it's mainly from people that don't have kids though? Of course it is so do you think it's insane that if like a mother of four is like my dog thinks it's mainly from people that don't have kids, though? Of course it is. So do you think it's insane that if a mother of four is like, my dog thinks it's a human, it's like, oh, we should call some sort of government service.

Because you're going to be popping them out soon, honey. Yeah, we'll totally agree with that. I'd love people to just admit, like, you know, if you've got a shit dog, you're just going to, a shit dog you just go sorry dog is shit they keep pretending to love it I've got friends

that think that kids I've got friends my parents my son's a soft cock like he's Christ I've got good sass

good sass story I was with a mate of mine in Australia S.A.S. good sass story yeah you won't believe what she's wearing a mate of mine in Australia, SAS, who's bought his dog. You won't believe what she's wearing. We're with my mate.

He took his dog, his service dog that he takes on missions in Afghanistan to the beach with us, and we're throwing this fluoro orange ball around, and the dog is just, if you throw it and there's a group of people between this thing that kills Taliban, it'll just run through everyone like it won't hurt it won't bite anyone but it'll just run through like fuck it you're in the way i'll get the ball but as soon as it went in the water like one foot deep the dog would run into the water and then not see the ball and i remember my mate going 150 000 and the cunt can't see orange this is a problem $150,000 and the cunt can't see orange.

This is a problem. That's amazing. Love it. You could see it on the beach fight as soon as it was in the water. It's like, what the fuck is going on? He just turns into it before he was one of the most important dogs

in the world at just a point. Just a dog in a foot spa. I'm just trying to get the calluses off my clothes. I love the idea of slugging off your own dog. It's about that. Like I said, you know what? Because everyone just unconditionally loves their shit.

They unconditionally love their dog, unconditionally love their kids. You know if you could just zoom out a little bit and admit the flaws of your own children and your own dog or whatever just and just own up to where you can you know what i love him but fucking i do like that i do like that a lot when you know when you meet parents who i've got friends who love their kids more in the same way that my parents love me i'm totally good my parents love me unconditionally but i do find it refreshing when i go to someone's house like ruse does it a lot you're one of your pictures i went how are the kids and he just goes

man the three-year-old's a fucking cunt like he's like she's just a tiny little fucking cunt who's just she's she's punching people she's just he's adding human rationality onto the toddler and i find it so endearing he's like right the bitch has got no respect for breakfast. She's fucking up and obscure. She's just rude. It's that saying, you think your shit doesn't stink. Your parents think your shit doesn't stink.

I bet if I took one of your shits to your mum and dad, they'd be like, can I get out of my room? Sloss, why did you bring us this glass full of blood? Can we just, because we're going to do dad jokes, because we're now officially overrunning. Go through the... Pause this podcast so that we don't run out of battery

and lose what we've recorded. Yes, but just before we do that, go through the... Let's go through it. Michael Cohen. Picket signs. Picket signs. Picket signs. If you do picket signs, corner 30 seconds.

Fight your corner. Don't take a fucking... Fight your corner in the corner. Fight your corner in the corner with your fucking sign. If you laugh at funny announcements on the lines and tries. If funny announcements are for you,

you're the muggle that it's for. And don't say your pet thinks it's something else. Yeah, just accept the shit cat you got. Alright. Or if you want a dog, buy a fucking dog. And if your name's Dave, don't stand in the corner unless your dad's name's Dave.

Yeah. Then you can all get in there. A big family reunion if the corner's big enough for all fucking 70. And also unless your dad's dead, in which case, awkward saws. Take him off and bring him to the corner. And all that day, you'll have good luck. All right, we're back and we're going into

our final game and our favourite game your dad jokes which today was more special because your dad jokes is essentially how this podcast started

it was you and me just texting these things to each other then you decided to put them online everyone liked them and then it made us realise

that sometimes our banter is as funny as we think it is and then on the bus today back from the glacier we had so we went skiing

out of town today while snowboarding and we had a massive massive live game of your dad jokes in the back of the bus whoever was in the back of the bus at Altitude today

was one of the luckiest people in the world so we've just done some fucking brand new your dad jokes but we're all ready for this so seven each any improv ones come in whenever you want

But you've got seven written down ones Gareth Your dad's passport photo is him with the Snapchat dog filter on His passport It's just him With the ears and the tongue his mouth's open shows it to everyone

the fact that they looked at that and the passport office went ah he looks like Dave Kenny Gareth I feel like this is all

going to be denied to me your dad's mate started a whatsapp group that was exactly the same as the WhatsApp group that your dad was in, except without him. Sloss, your dad uses no-tears shampoo. You know it's no tears, right? You know it's got nothing to do with...

It's tears. It's for no tears in your hair. No, it's no tears. It's the baby one. No, it's got nothing to do with It's tears It's for no tears in your hair No it's no tears It's the baby one No it's baby shampoo No it's absolutely not I thought that was You were being hilarious No it's absolutely not

It's baby shampoo It's baby shampoo You're fucking It's baby shampoo No because I thought The same thing as you did And I got corrected On this myself

For years I've been calling it No more tears What the fuck is wrong I swear to god I look this up No no no Don't let Google spoil it Don't let Google spoil it. Don't let Google spoil it.

No, no. I swear to God. Dude, you're so wrong. No, no. If I'm incorrect on this, I'll defend it. No, it's No More Tears because it's...

Have you ever rubbed No More Tears shampoo into your eyes? It's still there. It reacts with the fucking skin. Johnson's Baby Baby Shampoo. Gentle on eyes for no tears. Oh, God.

Daniel. Chico Baby Moments No Tears Bath Shampoo. Gently cleanses the fine hair and delicate skin of babies. It's mild, no tears formula. Dot, dot, dot. Daniel. I'm not convinced. No.

We've just lied to you. Like, dude. No more tears. I'm not convinced No We've just lawyered you Like Dude No more tears It was a great joke I laughed at the joke I laughed at the joke No more tears I swear

I'm googling this To fuck later on Either way Your dad either Doesn't want to cry Or doesn't have A sledge So It's still great Your dad's a fucking...

He's a bender. Yeah. Google your daddy's shit. Both of those will come up. Kai, your dad's got a barbed wire henna tattoo on his bicep on holiday. Cody, whenever your dad is about to go down on your mum he does that thing where he pretends that he's walking down the stairs to it

and then mimes canoeing out when he's done I could canoe on a cruise ship Ed I know, sorry Karen I could canoe on a cruise ship, Ed. Daniel. Sorry, Karen. Linda. Daniel, your dad's hard drive could bring back a death sentence. Kai, your dad has a T-shirt with a tuxedo on it. has a t-shirt with a tuxedo on it

Cody your dad's dick queefs he can make it do Christmas carols which actually speaking of queefs we've been

passing around whoopee cushions like oh we can't get onto this bit of a joke no no we've been whapping your whoopee cushions on other we can't get onto this. No, we're not. Dad joke. No, no. We've been whapping your whoopee cushions under people.

And however muggly you think that is. Yeah. Yeah, we didn't actually. Although, everybody can get a whoopee cushion. The choice brings the best. Kai,

your dad stands up when he's in a restaurant but sits down when he's in an elevator. Cody, your dad wears hand made I'll try and speak again your dad wears hand made out jeans off his sister

pregnancy jeans because he keeps stuffing kids down his pants Gareth, your dad plays the recorder Just my little pony Danny, your dad wears a Veruca sock to feed ducks A Veruca sock For one foot Rookasock to feed ducks. Rookasock. For one foot. Gareth, your dad eats your mum's pussy like an old man

reading a newspaper. He doesn't move, stares at it intently and in a case he just licks his finger and swipes. That's how he uses Tinder. That's also how he wraps his fish and chips. Daniel, your dad tippexed his teeth before going on a date. Sloss, your dad has a favourite netball team.

What are they called? I don't know, it's your dad. I like real sports. Kai, your dad takes his trousers off at the dentist Nick your dad got his name legally changed to mum Gareth your dad hasn't had the same zest for life since he put on a bit of Timber

Kai your dad is not an air guitar champion but he really wants to be Cody your dad waits outside shops to ask people to buy him drambuti because he can't afford bilies he's forgotten his ID

oh Christ Kai your dad's Oh Christ Guy Your dad's Tourette's only flares up When you visit home Cody Cody your dad bought a magnetic Xenophrames so he could score bits and bobs Like pennies and paper clips on his trip to the shop.

Kai, your dad takes a whoopee cushion on the plane as a neck pillow. Danny, your dad asked me to add him on MSN Messenger. He said ASL. He kept nudging you When you wouldn't reply He gave me all his loves on Bebo in one day Oh yeah

Gareth well Your dad was the flower girl At his own wedding Just walking down before he's meant to just toss them over his shoulder like they're bells and he's at a fucking brothel.

Danny, your dad turns around and touches the ground and says, bagsie, not me, when your mom's horny. not me when your mum's horny? The only reason you're your dad's child is because of the you touched it

last rule. Sloss, your dad is Kai's dad. Sloss, your dad's favourite roller coasteraster Is the teacups You scared him I'm not allowed to get wet I was afraid to have tea Kai Your dad's got a micro pig

A micro pig? What's a micro pig? It's like a big micro Guinea pig What's snakes on a plane about? Work it out. There. Hang on.

All right. All well and good. Micro pig explains itself. Like a toy. No. Like bigger machines. No, it's like piglets that don't grow. Yeah.

Imagine, imagine... Okay, your dad doesn't know what a micro pig is. Yeah. And he's got one. Right, yeah. Right, imagine, right, look. Imagine... Right what a micro pig is. And he's got one. Right, yeah. Right, imagine, right, look, imagine... Oh, okay, I'm imagining a micro truck. It's a little truck, but you're not going to get in it and drive it.

No, no. It's not a real thing. No, no, micro pigs are basically pigs that are always the size of a pig that's never grown. So imagine if our... This is the same person that's grown no more tails. There's no more tails. Listen, if our dicks are pigs, yours is a micro pig. Because although it had the potential to grow up to full size.

Well, it doesn't exist. Micro pig doesn't exist. It does. Google micro pig. I love that out of all of them, this is the one you're upset about. My dad does not own a micro pig. Just because it's physically impossible.

Have you got any more? No, that was seven. Well done, yeah. Yeah, I've got one more. This is Gareth. Gareth, your dad was inspired by Eddie the Eagle

to come last. Yeah, because he's a legend. That was C-U-M. That was his mother. That comes first. He is a legend. Oh, my dad comes last. Legend. He is a legend. My dad comes last. Legend.

Corey, your dad puts a cocktail umbrella in his coffee. And no sugar. And says it's 5pm somewhere. Well, that is perfectly I mean I'm looking at zero battery the fact that we're

still recording is a miracle First stop short saves Yeah So Bye guys Thank you so much to Nick Cody Gareth Wall

for all of them blah blah blah you know the fucking show shut the fuck up we'll see you all next week Bye