Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.24 New Year, Same Lateness

Episode Date: January 11, 2017

Muggins is still on the road so Cream pulled his finger out and got Garf back on to talk about a very awkward but sexy plane encounter, and some other weird stuff.

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Aww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello. It's Cream here. It's been a while since we've done a podcast. I do apologise for that and take full responsibility. Kai Muggins is away, so we've not been on tour together. So we've not seen each other much, so therefore I had little drive to do a podcast.

And he's still to get his equipment so he can go out and fucking, you know, spew out mediocrity without the person that makes him funny, i.e. me. Everyone needs a straight man. So until he gets that, the podcasts are going to be a bit shit coming out. But nonetheless, I've pulled my finger out of my arsehole and brought back the new guy, the new and improved guy, Gareth Watt. Hello, Gareth. Hiya. How are you?

I'm good, man. How are you? I think the last podcast we did was together and that was pre-New Year. Yeah. So, well, I mean, this is coming to my Michael Corner later on, but New Year, New You? Nah. No. We've been fucked at least five days so far this year, and it's the 12th.

So it's not. Start the year how you intend to spend it. Dying. Yeah. Slowly killing yourself as a mixture of cocktails of drugs and booze. But we did work in progress tonight. That was good fun.

Which is the Gig Me, Gareth and Kai do every now and again where we just try new material in front of a small crowd we're busy tonight very busy tonight and I think I may have started off too harsh I think it's a weird gig if you've never been there before and there's a lot

of new people because we're all on stage at the same time it's it's quite strange to see that and we don't and there's no backstage we're on stage

for the whole gig and it's we just introduce each other whenever we think we've got a new bit it's very laid back which is why it's fun I don't think we

introduce it well enough to new people we're kind of just like this is it just fucking deal with it yeah but they did fucking deal with it yeah yeah they were great

and as always my pedo stuff did not go down great. But I will, if we can, if we can go do a fucking pedo joke. If it doesn't work, it does not work. And also, I think I came across as a sociopath. No, because you said the words, I'm a sociopath. No, I said I get called a sociopath. Like, this is, and this is a genuine question for people. Because I don't really, you know,

you never really know if your thoughts are normal. Yeah. Because you can't really compare them to other people because you can only listen to what they say their thoughts are and you have to

trust that you don't know what everyone's hiding I'm pretty sure like none of my thoughts are normal because I remember saying one thing

that I thought I bet everyone does this yeah and they totally did what was it which is when I'm in the

shower and I put shower gel in my hand I always like slam my hand to my chest and let all the shower gel come through my fingers like I put shower gel in my hand I always like slam my hand to my chest and let all the shower gel come through my fingers

like I've been shot in a movie and I just shake and look at my hand and pretend like I'm an alien because the shower gel is always like green or something

and I'm like time to die and absolutely nobody does that yeah I feel you can try it now though yeah

it's fine just just be like Janet Janet why and let let all the sleep I'll try it now though yeah it's fine just just grip your chest Janet Janet why and let let all sleep sift through your fingers

genuinely is is one of the links ones not red yeah would you I reckon that would be I've never

yeah because I do have to pretend I'm an alien or a robot or something yeah Gareth was not taught to feel love

but some race are taught to feel love but some reason taught to feel pain why oh i sometimes uh in the shower i cross my arms and i cup and i make a big bowl of water and then i drop it and make a massive splash yeah i do that i think that's quite a problem i also practice my signature on the glass yeah clean me just for any dirty vans you see around me somebody comes in later hey hey

got him got him but because because I practice my signature all the time I've always got to wipe it clean because I'm worried

like if the steam came up and it was just my signature all over the door yeah just makes you seem like a very weird

type of narcissist yeah yeah just practice I practice stand up in the shower because I can't sing and I'm tone deaf so

apparently sometimes it sounds like I'm having a very angry wank it's like if I'm doing a no no

come on oh why why why would anyone do that they're like what is

how is what is the role play you're currently taking part in in there you fucking weirdo do you ever see how stretchy your balls can get in the bath

nah oh I've seen it I don't know something to do with temperature but you know how like sometimes your ball bag is like tight and stuff yeah yeah

like when it's cold and stuff sometimes it's loose like like my ball bag like I can honestly make it look like a bat's wing at points I had an operation to prevent torsion

which is when you're testy sometimes so I've had an operation so that they're fixed so I've not got a lot in there like a fucking stuffed deer's head they're purely ornamental it was a what do you call it makes dead animals fucking stuffed deer's head. Yeah. They're purely ornamental. It was a, what do you call it,

a fucking mixed dead animal. Stuffed something. Oh, everyone at home is shouting, bad. Taxidermy. Taxidermy. Sorry,

there were people, there were people literally screaming at the car. Taxidermist! Yeah. A fucking idiot. A taxidermist! I mean, there's still, like, there were people literally screaming in the car dance the dentist dance the dentist I mean they still like I've got a bit

give but not a lot aye like they've got a bit of leeway like if someone hits you in the balls they don't

break a knuckle lowest point in my entire life was right after that I had to wear these like weird pants where it was like assless

at the back but like it was a thing that held it all why assless I don't know really was it a thing that held it all and why assless I don't know really was it so you didn't take them down

when you were going for a shit no because so yeah this is what happened right so it's just there to hold the stitches

and stuff in and I needed a shit like the day after the operation and I had to I tried to like put my penis

out the side to pee but it wasn't working but I was bursting and I was sat in the toilet at this point and I tried to put my penis out the side to pee, but it wasn't working. But I was bursting. I was sat in the toilet at this point and I didn't want to take the pants down because I was worried that my balls would just fall out like a couple of baby bells. Just like someone hastily opens a bag of Maltesers.

Just put it on! And I was so worried about that. Obviously, that's not going to happen, but I was panicking. And I was like, but I need to shit and then I started like I tried to like tuck my penis out

and then it just happens and I'm pissing all over myself it's going all over me piss just everywhere and I was wearing a t-shirt still

and I was covering myself and I was just I remember like shitting and crying and just like this is the lowest I've ever felt

it was horrible do you reckon now obviously we're two men yeah right I'm going to say something which I believe to be true

for all men that none of us really talk about it but I'm very curious to find out if it's true for women you know sometimes I know it's an older thing

as well but you get what you're on you know when you're peeing and sometimes you think you've done peeing and you tuck away and you weren't done peeing turns out it was a little bit more it's like you know you know done peeing and you tuck away and you weren't done peeing.

Turns out it was a little bit more. It's like, you know, you know how like when you tip a fucking bottle of vodka in a bar because it's got a lot of spout thing on the end. It says it's done, but if you take off the lid, there's a little bit more.

Sometimes that happens when you're peeing. You've emptied most of the liquid out, you tuck it away and he's like, no, don't. It's like he's trying to catch a late flight. No, no, come on.

Hold the gate. Hold the gate. No. So the door's closed and then he barges through and pisses my pants. Do you reckon girls have that? Because here's my theory based on nothing other than fanciful thought and a lack of understanding how a vagina works. Surely.

I know the bee comes out of a different hole than the baby goes in right baby goes in well yeah technically I mean the baby doesn't go in

the baby doesn't go in no but if you're making a baby I'm not I don't have my PhD but I've never I'm not a doctor because I kept trying

to put babies up there yeah they took away my license stop doing that stop it it's a one way trip it's where he belongs. He's not ready.

I'm pro-Brexit. Send him home. Send him home. Coming out here, stealing our breast milk. I don't think it happens to girls, because... Not as much. Because we have to shake. And I know girls...

Do girls shake? I don't know. Quite hard to shake. Yeah. You've girls shake? I don't know like dogs quite hard to shake yeah use the full hips like if they bend over and they do it

is it like when you ever see you sort of see a bulldog shake after going to the sea just a flat flat that's a horrible thought and I'm so sorry ma'am yeah because like but are girls not more used to

isn't that what the Taylor Swift song's about? like because right yeah because I mean they must be used to getting wet pants though because if you've got your period and I know that comes

out of the red sometimes I mean maybe they do because I know this is not I started making a point that is not in any way relevant

trust me one of the things I know about this podcast is at this point, nobody thinks anyone on the show is intelligent. Nobody's listening to this for facts or opinions. They really enjoy the stupidity.

So please go. They love when Kai tells stories about how poor he is. That's the kind of people that listen to this podcast. Tenna Lady is a big product for older women, obviously. But they do piss themselves. The fanny sponge. Yeah, yeah. So I take back what I said.

I reckon, yes, it definitely happens to them. They can. Because there's no plug. But do you not reckon, because men's boxers, because of sexism, men's boxers are functional. Men's boxers are like, there you go, it's cotton, it's absorbent, there you go, covers all the...

But women's panties, because we treat them like objects, they're always thongs, they're made out of things that don't absorb stuff. Do you reckon there's just more... Is that why they wear skirts? It's just a case. It's just a drip dry.

Should I wear tights tonight? don't want to collect it in my feet if anything we said was wrong there which I highly doubt because we're very very men yeah very well read men had sex with I think at least seven women between us right into the show

as I said on a postcard oh that's good right we'll move on to our first game so it's been a very long time and again apologies for the late podcasting I'll try and do more when I see comedians

but obviously the fact that me and Ky are no longer together does make it a little bit more sounds like you've broke up it does me and Ky

aren't together anymore which I'm fine with which I'm fine with it's fine I'm over it I'm going to the gym more I've got Gareth here I'm really finally I'm going to the gym more I've got Gareth here I'm really finally

I'm getting to know me yeah I just get to create a new me it's like I was always Muggins and Cream I was always second I was always Cream hey

what about Cream only some people like Cream by itself yeah some people love you some people drink out of the fucking can they just squirt it out when was the last time anyone drank a Muggins never

I'll tell you that for free yeah I feel like every podcast listener as well is like I feel like I'm the neglectful dad because it is my responsibility oh no in fact

because Kai's not done a solo podcast I've done at least two like I'm the I'm the mother I'm being nice about Kai I'm like he's away he's just busy

he still loves you but I feel like the new girlfriend and I'm like hey kids I'm not going to try and replace your mum you don't have to call me dad okay busy he still loves you i feel like the new girlfriend and i'm like good hey kids i'm i'm not gonna try and replace your mom you don't have to call me dad okay i would like that i would like it but in your own time when you're ready when you're ready you know what hey i got your christmas

present no it's late but i only started dating your mom after but hey you got cars hot wheels sport hey sport everybody is a sport. Yeah. Hey kiddo. Hey buddy. So we'll go into our first and the favourite game of Muggle Corner. Can I have a go of explaining Muggle Corner because I'm so bored of it. Not bored of the corner. I'm bored of explaining it. I explained it last time. Muggles are a fantasy term created by J.K. Rowling.

Yes. That means normal people. Non-magic, yes. Normal people. So we've now used it as a totally derivative term, which means that you are beige. You're a nothing kind of person. You do things that are just unoriginal,

a bit boring. And just very predictable. And it's not a bad thing. No, no. You have to understand, muggles are not bad people in any way. If And it's not a bad thing. No, no. You have to understand, muggles are not bad people in any way. If anything, they're nicer than nuts. Oh, totally.

They're absolutely... But we can all agree that sometimes we're all guilty of muggly things. Just little things. Doesn't make you a full muggle, but we just admit a bit muggly. So we like to bring them up, open them up for discussion,

and then if both of us agree, they go into muggle corner along with you. If you're of the action you have to stand there for 30 seconds i think the most kind of the one that muggles have caught on to about other muggles now is the photos of dinner on facebook yes so that's the kind of best example you know you'll see something you're like oh it's your dinner mate yeah yeah yeah it's muggles are becoming self-aware yeah yeah it's gonna be hard for all it's like westworld yeah right i feel like muggles are really learning more about muggle things and it's like you're still a muggle

but you're into some cool things I touched on this earlier I truly believe muggles have new years resolutions like why does the time of year dictate as if it's going to change anything you did like if any person I know

that genuinely recreated themselves like if they were an alcoholic or they wanted to go healthy or they wanted to go vegan or they wanted to do anything, every single one of them it was at an unspecific time in the year they hit a rock bottom, they hit something and they went right, now it's a new me I feel like you just

I've had some. I'm absolutely in the corner for this. I've probably also got two. So I'm definitely... But I just feel you're lying to yourself. Yeah, yeah. And it's so weird because people know they're lying to themselves.

It's like you'll hear stuff that's like, oh, have you stuck to your resolution? Like on telly in the radio. Oh, have you managed to stick to your resolution? No, none of us have. No, of course not. I've had sex with... That's why you have to do no of course not I've had sex I'd probably have to do it every year

I've had sex with nine children already you're so moorish I made one last year which was to read a book a month at least oh I did that one

two years ago and I did stick to that one I didn't stick to it did you not no I got to like September and somebody was like did you make a resolution I was like

yeah it was to read a book a month how are you getting on I was like I need to read nine books yeah reading's always fun because I know how stupid I am and I realise that

I've got fucking hundreds of books that I keep buying them and some of them are shite tell you what here's a branch off this fucking mugger corner. I will fucking debate any one of you cunts online who disagrees with this. The Great Gatsby is a fucking awful book.

I've never read it. Some classics are great. I was told to read To Kill a Mockingbird. I read that. That was a good book. Right. I know Kai heard a lot about Stephen King books. He went and read a bunch.

He's like, Stephen King books are fucking great. This is absolutely fair. It was Of Mice and books. He went and read a bunch. He's like, Stephen King books are fucking great. This is absolutely fair. It was Of Mice and Men. Short book. I love it. I think it's a good book. Great Gatsby is a pile of fucking shit. And anyone who thinks it's great is a nerd.

But not even like a real one. Just like, some people don't get it. You're taking pride in that hipster way of like, this is something no one else likes so it's actually a really unique thing about me I'm just going to be different from everyone else because that always works out historically whenever new people have discovered someone who are different

totally take them on board, listen to their opinions nothing bad to find pride in being different when it's not natural I find shit in Greg G when it's not natural I find shit in Greg Gatsby it's just a dick

I've not read it so I can't really comment on it it's I burned I did a fucking dissertation on it for English and I burned

in front of the class and the and the bible I was part of ISIS for a bit it was just a phase I was going through a little goth phase I was part of Al-Qaeda but was just a phase I was going through a little goth phase

I was part of Al-Qaeda but then for my actual dissertation on a book I wrote it on you know the book Eragon about the dragon yeah

that was my dissertation for fifth year but the thing is like you've got to have like we can talk about the journey my thing was about like it's the journey

of a boy to a man but instead even though it's about war through love. I had a good point, because I loved the books when I was a kid. But they were like, you've got to have loads of quotes. I'm like, the examiner's not checking the source.

The person who's marking this thing is not reading every single individual. They'll be like, I've got to go read this. I've got to flat check. No, they don't give a shit. They're fucking half a bottle of wine deep. If it sounds believable they're putting a fucking tick

got an A did you? yeah I did a you know you've got to do one that's like an argument piece I did one which was

hip hop is the best music genre what was your argument? I see if Kai was here he'd fully agree I can't remember I remember some points about it. I remember I quoted Maya Angelou.

She said this and I remember saying, there's no more shocking than Elvis Presley. They are very derogatory to women, but Elvis wrote Jailhouse Rock about sodomy in prison. And my teacher went,

no. You're wrong I mean I saw the title and I didn't even yeah it was bad I can't remember what I did a book report

one on though I did just the usual shit I think one of the worst moments is this is such a fucking stupid story so I was about 16

right my mum decided I was an adult so she was like so I think it's you're at a point in your life when you can you can start paying

for your own haircuts now right you know how sometimes parents just force adulthood on you and you're like oh I mean you can't

still make my bed and then have that thing and she's making my bed because again same thing she went and started making your bed and I obviously

never started doing that so she gave in because she didn't want to raise a slob same thing with haircuts. She's like, I think you're all done with your own haircut. So for a year, I did not cut my hair. It got long.

I had shoulder length fucking hair. It was like down to my, I could put up my fringe in my mouth. I was always constantly flicking off the side. Like when I got the haircut to the, you know, five years ago when I had the paper hair. That was a reduction of 60% of the hair I had. Wow. Yeah, right? Wow.

Yeah, I had a lot of hair. But I feel so sorry for my teachers because I was stupid. And if I was in an exam, you can only leave 45 minutes into an exam, even if you're done in 30 minutes. And by done, I don't mean finished. I mean you've answered all the possible questions you think you can answer. My math teacher apparently used to be able to tell how badly my exam had gone

by how many braids I had in my hair because the second I answered all the questions that I knew how to answer I'd just braid my hair in front of me so if I came out looking rasta that's a fail but if I just come out yeah

but if I come out with one it's just like a pony just like a little one they're like oh um but yeah so new year's resolutions i know that they um i'm not i'm not making fun of the things themselves but there's an age-old study which is part of the thing about enjoying you you genuinely get the same hit out of sticking to a new year's resolution as you do to just telling people your thing you're proving yourself you do that's a psychological thing so whenever you have a dream or something you want to do you shouldn't tell people if you want to have a go you shouldn't tell people because it stalls your enjoyment of the thing right

so I feel that's the case with New Year's resolutions you're just here's my big list of all these fucking things you're sticking to none of those yeah you've got the satisfaction

immediately by everyone liking it and being like I believe in you Sandra yeah just turn down the drinks say no to that ice you know New Year's resolutions

I totally agree good Muggle Corner what's your first kind of in the same vein Muggles make bucket lists this is based on the fact that we've heard

your bucket list so I found my one that I made when I was 18 I mean the one I found is ridiculous yeah Swim with Dolphins

Swim with Dolphins obviously standard first one on the list learn a language have you done that you've learned English yeah well to an extent yeah obviously standard first one on the list learn a language have you done that you've learned English yeah yeah well

to an extent yeah learn guitar never I tried that wasn't very good at gave up learn to snowboard

it's kind of debatable I can get down the hill yeah yeah not always gracefully but you'll be there alive give blood

was a really weird one I just like biscuits no yeah give blood was a really weird one I just like biscuits no yeah give blood and I've still not done that because I've had nine years to do it and never did I see

just laziness or fear just no not fear I don't believe in fear at all I don't neither of them bother me I would love to

I'm a full organ donor like when I die take fucking it give someone my dick improve someone's life tenfold like my body is not the thing i don't give you do whatever you want to bleed me fucking dry put me in a prune in the fucking cremation thing who gives a shit i'm dead the brain is who i am i've never given blood though yeah i just like it's the same thing whenever i've had the std test

is it's just that bit of your arm like that it's always yeah I'm not a good person with gore I can watch saw because that's so ridiculous but you know in house when they do surgery like all I do is audibly shout for two minutes why did they have to show this it's just unnecessary I know what's happening I can I'm such a coward you if you if they could take blood from my ass no hold obviously that's a different type of blood

but like from a vein there I'd totally do it but it's just something about that can they not do it from the ass they probably can

but like I've requested if I go in there it's the ass guy again yeah I feel like they're going to think I have an agenda like hey

I want to get blood but only out of my butthole does he think does he think that's like a shitty blood and you're like does he think does he think that's like a shitty blood is he an idiot does he think it's all or is he getting something

about a tiny prick near his arsehole no I think I could do it I've just never really got round to it and I weirdly when I get a tattoo

I've only got two tattoos but every time I've got a tattoo I went oh well I can't give blood now for six months so you are going to do it I'm going to do that I went, oh, well, I can't give blood now for six months. So you ain't going to do it. So I'm going to do that.

I also don't think anyone wants my blood. Like, if they're, because they ask me, like, how much do you drink? How much do you smoke? How much do you drink?

So I'm like, you're just going to bend this. I might as well have it. Like, you're not going to. I'm going to have it black. It's all a clot. Does that explain?

Mine is all shower gel. Does that matter? It's green. I pretend to be showering but I mean I've tried a couple of times I've tried to make a couple of appointments

but it's always like like when I'm just not available it's like during the day I'm like can we not do it like six at night

they're like no do you reckon would you ever donate sperm em yes see I totally would just on the basis Do you reckon, would you ever donate sperm? Yes. See, I totally would.

Just on the basis of that, right? At a biological level, that's my secret way of winning. Regardless of what humanity we've constructed and laws and goals in life, it's about living a long life. Base level, animalistic level, the goal is spread your seed as far and wide as physically possible

that's what all nature is about watch any David Attenborough documentary fuck as many things as you can make sure your genes go on that

even if you're a shit animal that is your base instinct reproduce right and I feel sperm banks are the way for me to dominate the world

after I'm dead without doing anything all I do is have a wank which I was gonna have anyway in someone's office right and then because then that's from all walks of life you've got millionaires who can't conceive so they go through IVF then you've also got people just people even adoption would be enough even lower classes and stuff the people can't conceive that's not a class thing. There are people that cannot conceive.

So everyone from all walks of life is going to a fucking Spartan bank. And I, without moving from my fucking couch, right, have made a generation of slosses all around the world. They're not called slosses, right? I know they're not called slosses.

They've got the names of their parents. But we both know they're slosses. We both know. Are you saying this to me I'm telling you you and me mate see that fucking kid over there

that's mine that's mine okay do you get money for sperm donation not in this country no oh fucking Brexit

Denmark has banned ginger people from doing sperm I know yeah well I don't know

if they banned it but they've asked for no more they've just said because people don't want it just stop because like couples are going in going

nah not the ginger stuff and they've got like stockpiles of ginger ginger jizz yeah jizz warehouses of jizz they've asked

they're like iron brew looking jizz I'm assuming you come orange oh yes of course yeah I bleed green I come orange I'm ginger yeah come orange. Oh, yes, of course, yeah. I bleed green, I come orange. I'm ginger. Yeah.

We're not human. Leprechaun. That is... I remember I was like, oh. And I was upset, but I was like, well, I'm not going to go to Denmark. Yeah, hey, hey. You're just coming outside.

Guys, just take it. I feel like when I read that, I was like, I'm going to go over there and like, you know when you get a Scottish banknote in London, you're like, take it, take it I feel like when I read that I was like I'm gonna go over there and like you know when you get a Scottish bank note in London take it

take it it's legal tender it's legal kinder which is oh no it's German for kids do you reckon do you reckon

if you go to a spare bank and you ask for like a non ginger kid but they've got a stop pass do you reckon it's kind of like when you order coke and they only have Pepsi

like can I just get like a normal child with a salt is ginger okay ginger kid but they've got a stockpile do you reckon it's kind of like when you order coke and they only have pepsi yeah can I just get like a normal child with a salt is ginger okay is that all you've got I mean yeah alright yeah

go on just spit it out mate I don't know how it works hang on look look is that a

wait was that not a sperm bag wait hold on a dark pipe the Amazon Shredding Pool okay

aim for his neck shouldn't you be closer have a good shot oh ginger I'd love to hear that conversation with a ginger guy

hi I'm here to donate my sperm oh look was the bouncer not there sorry mate not tonight yeah do you have any idea idea I do yeah you can see Hi, I'm here to donate my sperm. Ooh. Look. Was the bouncer not there? Sorry, mate, not tonight.

Yeah, do you have any idea? Idea, I do, yeah. See, the thing is, you're ginger in this as well. That could have just been dye, but now I can tell you're actually... That's... I do feel like gingers are... And this is a stretch, but that's what this podcast is about.

I feel like being ginger is like the closest that's what this podcast is about I feel like being ginger is like the closest that being a white man is to prejudice it's not close it's not in the same way that like you know

women won't get certain jobs or education or pay the same and you know black people who are slaves you know

for a bit a bit most of the time ginger is like you're going through shit you are going to buy our own sun

cream specialist one yeah you're sitting there whenever women are asking for free tampons you're like

hey hey I also get free look at me hey I don't want melanoma what was your

one bucket list so yeah my bucket list was like swim with dolphins learn a language, learn guitar, give blood, climb Mount Everest.

Oh. Big jump. Which is such a stretch. Like if you couldn't commit to... I think I'm more likely to climb Everest than to give blood at this point. It's just more convenient. Have you seen the movie Everest? Yeah.

Good. Yeah, yeah. Surprisingly good. Yeah, yeah. Like I did not, spoiler alert alert did not expect him to die no see when they were just like he's dead

I was like but he was all well yeah there's never a movie where the main guy dies I mean I know the main guy

the main guy was Everest do you reckon anyway yeah I'll totally agree with you Bacalhasa I don't think I've'll totally agree with you Bacalhans I don't think I've ever had one so I will avoid

the corner but you obviously have 30 seconds in there I think I should have 30 seconds for everything that I've not

okay right well I'll do the next 20 minutes of the podcast alone this is one that I'm very passionate about

and I've had arguments with people about it and I've never lost the argument I'm calling you on it Muggles like poetry oh it depends

on the kind of poetry I don't like I think you're thinking of the poetry that's like properly stigmatised but I like what was

I kind of remember I know I know Bo Burnham Bo Burnham does poetry and I'm like that's good that's decent I've seen Tim Key

Tim Key Tim Key the comedian is a fucking but the thing I like about both and this is I would give those the same thing

with Robbie Burns right I love Robbie Burns I love all his poems but the thing is every poem each of those people has written is funny

and rhymes right so what they've done is they've taken poetry and they've made it funny they've taken it's good because they've done is they've taken poetry and they've made it funny they've taken it's good because they've combined it

but shit see the poetry there's like fucking five lines and none of it rhymes yeah fuck off with a bongo

oh yeah doom doom too many shadows around me boom boom how do I sleep at night boom boom shadows

you that was quite good improvising yeah yeah yeah I was like I'm out of poetry now yeah but that's how easy it is

like poetry see any other profession in the world right when I see the best of the best do it I go I couldn't do that see a race car driver

fucking turn around corners I'm like I can't do that I see a fucking Olympian I'm like I cannot do that I see a doctor

I can't do that I see a lawyer I can't do that I see a fucking pizza maker I can't do that I see a fucking Olympian I'm like I cannot do that I see a doctor I can't do that I see a lawyer I can't do that I see a fucking pizza maker I can't do that I cannot do videos of the guys that cut the pizza really fast

oh yeah make the boxes up I can't do that I've never seen a poem that I couldn't have written myself yeah like it's just

oh and I know that that's the thing about art and modern art which is I could have done that yeah but you didn't yeah because I don't

clearly have as much time in my day and the same ego complex you do that you're just spitting out mediocrity on the hopes that other people who don't

have enough contact with their parents approve of it yeah I know what you mean this kind of snobby yeah and I say this and I'm totally in the corner

because I have won and you may not know this I've won two awards for my poetry writing no way I wrote a poem about Rosalind where I'm from

when I was in primary school and I think that got put in a book see yeah mine was the two books but I also won one of the books oh maybe it was one award I was published twice as a poet

my first one published poet published poet I'm a published poet my first one was about I can't even remember some of it

you had to write one about an animal and it's about cats and dogs and all the hack ones I went Komodo Dragon cool Komodo Dragon

rips his meat sitting down in his seat sorry this is this one in the board this one in the board meat and seat eating up a juicy rabbit

wonder how he got to grab it I don't think there are rabbits where Komodo dragons are well

I've not got I was nine Gareth come on was more embarrassing nice rhyme with

grab it I'll give you that yeah thank you I was going something about being crab it right it's all more

dude now he's crab it no the other one more embarrassing was I was heavily into WWF as a kid like one full I bought a magazine

once which had the 52 wrestlers taking part in Royal Rumble like in the other matches and I ripped out every single page

of that and put them on my wall and I covered a full wall with just nude men just topless men some women obviously but this was

you know WWF 1999 but because I'm an idiot every month I'd switch them to the other side because I didn't want the other wrestlers

getting jealous about my weight because by the time I had a diary muggle and I used to write poetry but acrostic poems about wrestlers at one point I had a diary muggle and I used to write poetry but acrostic poems

about Fresno so it'd be like the rock he enters the ring everyone cheers rock bottom

oh no come get some knocked out just off the and I'm willing to admit that that type of poetry that doesn't rhyme even though acrostic shite as boss yeah that's bad

I'm trying to remember my one so it was Roslyn down the side of the page R is for the river that runs through the glen O is for the original where people meet now and then S is for the streets that make up this historic town

L is for Ros streets that make up this historic town L is for what was it Rosalyn is it not is it not Rosalyn no R-O-S-L-I-N or L-Y-N

it's an old spell anyway regardless poetry is shite poetry is fucking shite and if you are into poetry and you're listening to this

after you've stood in the corner for 30 seconds feel free because I would love to genuinely be proven wrong. Oh, I do like William McIlvany. He's a Scottish writer and some of his poems are fucking

cool. Do they rhyme? No, they're like story kind of ones. They might as well be a story. Exactly, it should have been a story. Every time I've seen one of those, I'm just like, just make that a short story. There are people that have got quotes, there's little fucking even limericks that will fucking give more credit to

like there's the thing haikus I don't like them but there's cleverness fucking to them there's nothing clever about breaking up a story

randomly because you think you're an artist there's nothing genius about it you're a fuckwit and if you do slam poetry

die die die don't even stand in the corner that was my slam poetry die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die don't even stand in the corner that was my slam poetry die

die die die die die die I want you dead

but do we not all die barns dropping on your head I want you dead slam

slam totally in right good next one muggles go to the cinema on a Saturday night. Oh, I'm in the corner 100%. There's things you can do on a Saturday. Even bowling is arguably...

If that's your fucking little night out. Fuck off, man. Okay, I will add a clause into this. Okay. A clause which i think you'll probably agree with uh parents absolutely allowed i feel like parents are inherently muggles yeah they are yeah and it's not if you're a parent and you're muggles it's not your fault you just you've got kids now yeah you like of course like you have a focus go to frank

campaign Like you have a focus. We'll go to Frankie and Benny's and then we'll go watch Zootopia. Oh, right. I'm so in the corner. It's just the first movie that came to me. Have you not seen Zootopia? I've heard it's great.

But, Frankie and Benny's, she'll have the margarita. Oh man, one of my favourite things as a kid, because you were talking about it and I still agree with you.

Me and my dad and my mum every fucking weekend when I was like 15, 16 because I didn't drink then just went to the

similar periods and loved it I genuinely loved it played mini golf beforehand and I used to be so good and you know how

competitive I am now yeah no this is me running at 20% like the kid I was was a horrible competitive kid

I shouted at my dad and threw a golf club, a mini golf club, into a pond because my dad was beating me, and I kept shouting and being like, you're fucking cheating because you're using physics. Because he'd aim, he'd look at the ground. I'm like, just hit it. Just like a real man.

He's like, that's why you're losing. I'm like nah nah cheat you're a scientist you understand curves and gravity fuck you

cheat god bless my dad the most patient man in the world being like yeah I won't pay for the golf club yeah

I did the same thing when I remember going to the cinema pretty much every weekend when I was about 16 because we were then too old to go to

the underage clubs and not old enough to go to the other ones where there's nothing for us to do other than pizza and fucking Van Helsing

we used to me and my friends when I passed my driving test whenever we were off we'd go through watch a movie at like five in the afternoon but I'd get stoned beforehand

right so I'd drive us there with a joint smoke a joint watch the movie which is like you know with adverts and stuff

two and a half hours long but even at that point I'm still like I can't I'm not willing to drive home right go for a fucking game of mini golf

right go for a thing of Frankie and Benny's. Go for a fucking... Make sure it's like six hours before I've driven again. But this is Scotland, and that's not the order to do those things in. There are times where I'm just like, we've got to play mini golf.

There was a time when it was raining so heavily. The guy was like, no, and I was like, just please give us the things. I'm not driving home. I'm not a fucking asshole. I think to add to this, and it's something we've both done, the muggly thing is to go to the midnight show.

Oh, and I'm in the corner again. I've done that for so many... We went and did it after Work in Progress last year. Star Wars. Star Wars, yeah. Star Wars. I've done it for Django Unchained, went to the midnight screening.

I... I went to every Lord of the Rings the first day it came out I did the exact same I don't think I did the midnight ones but I went to every one day it came out I've told this on the podcast before

but just to remind everyone I went to the first Harry Potter film released midnight show dressed as Harry Potter because I had seen all the premieres in America

I was watching the news, and everyone was doing the premieres there, and everyone there is dressed up. And in my stupid teenage head, I'm like... Was this in Fife? Dunfermline. Oh, my fucking God. My logic is,

I'm looking at how they do things in America, and I'm like, they'll do that in Dunfermline. I dyed my hair. My mom dressed the scar on with... I had done firmly. I dyed my hair. My mum dressed the scar humbly. I had a broom. I had a broom. I also had a name tag that said Harry,

just in case people didn't know who I was. Who's that guy meant to be? Oh, I was such a little dweeb. Fucking hell. That is great. It's awful. How did you make it this far? You're sitting braiding your hair in dresses Harry Potter fucking films.

And I'm filming and you've made it. Man, if I could go back in time and kick my own fucking head in. Like, I'm so shocked I wasn't. I was bullied a little bit in high school, but I also did my fair share of bullying. But I'm probably about 50. Karma-wise, I'm probably fine. Got bullied a fair bit when I was much younger

in primary school I bullied a bit in primary school went to high school didn't know anyone got bullied heavily there started feeling matched out but I don't feel it was enough

like thank god I've remedied it myself but it's not yeah fucking hell that is brutal and that's only

one of the types of movie can you imagine just like when fucking Schindler's List came out nobody went dressed as a Jew yeah fuck

I've only done one thing similar to that that was awful when I was in high school my drama teacher died favourite teacher was fucking devastated went to her funeral

and the other drama teacher said we should all wear bright colours that's what she's asked for as part of the thing we've all got to wear bright colours so I go in a canary yellow jumper and turn up and absolutely

every one of my classmates is in black and like suits as well because I went what the fuck what happened to bright colours and my mate went that's a funeral man the other drama teacher was also in a kind of bright dress but she was so upset she couldn't go in so I'm the only one in the entire church wearing really bright colours and I've got to shake her son's hand her husband's hand going really sorry for your loss and my

jumper choice but to be fair like you got the point there being like look she was my drama teacher she told me to stand out and flare here I am the brightest yellow jumper in the fucking world

this is as bad as you know turning up to a wedding with a wedding dress on oh amazing so what was that one there was go to the cinema

on a Saturday night totally agree right we'll do one more each and then I need to pee and get some more booze this will be a quick one muggles name their pets Mr. Something

or Mrs. Something like I've like I I'd only ever seen that in like sitcoms or movies like this is Mr. Snuffles

this is Mr. Biggles this is you know whatever but in my life I've encountered who I love but I will not mention names people who are not muggles

and I know they're not muggles right they love their pets the amount it's a safe amount they're not crazy cat ladies they're not weird dog guys who are like

don't touch me like this fucking mutt but it's like so this is Mr. Pumpkin no it's not it's a cat doesn't have a title like it's not does he have a driver's license no he was not nobody gave you when someone calls me mr sloss i didn't nobody gave me the name mr sloss i was given the name sloss mr is the title

you gave that cat the name mr and mrs like there's still it's that's not legally binding i'm not obligated it's a cat it doesn't even know it's own fucking name unless it's taken out of a bank account

like it's got a fucking mortgage this is Mr. Tickles my bearded dragon wait what

I just find it such and I'll also add in there princess or prince but I genuinely know someone

with a cat called and I know they were being ironic, but that's the thing about irony, is sometimes it's like, it's called princess snuffles. And I'm like, it's,

you say, yeah, but I'm doing it ironically. I'm like, did you get the, did you get the collar made ironically? Like when you go to the vet, and they ask the cat by name,

and they go, princess snuffles, do you go, the vet and they ask the cat by name and they go princess snuffles do you go I was being ironic but they say the second name as well oh yeah

mr snuffles lamp hair I'll give away who this is yeah um yeah that's that's bad that's real

I had a point to make I can't remember what it was now uh oh fuck mr and mrs well this is good here yeah well that's fine we'll put it in there I had a point to make I can't remember what it was now oh fuck Mr and Mrs well this is good here yeah well that's fine

we'll put it in there yeah it definitely goes in what's your final one muggles wear slippers outside oh I'm absolutely in the corner yeah have you tried on those slippers they're really comfy

I'm not going to wear them to the shop I'll put it on shoes no but that's the thing they're so comfy you forget so not going to wear them to the shop I'll put it on shoes no but that's the thing they're so comfy you forget so Jean we all know her whenever I'm home

for long periods of time I'm a slop because I'm home so little I just I don't I don't shower for like a day or two I just walk around

in my fucking tank top if it's hot or in my fucking football shirts and jammies I've got a bunch of onesies a bunch of muggle shit

that I've been in the corner for before that alone she bought me these slippers and when she gave them she was like I want you to know I fucking hate these they are the most ugly

disgusting looking slippers in the world but I know you'll like them I put them on and they're the comfiest thing they're so comfy you can validate this anyone who tries these slippers on

is like oh my god to the point on Sunday there when Andrew Stanley was over I went here have you tried these slippers on is like oh my god to the point on sunday there when andrew stanley was over i went here have you tried his slippers on yeah so you went no try it and did he enjoy he didn't do it oh see right it's they're phenomenal but sometimes like if i'm picking so i've gone to the airport down to like I've driven halfway there right gotten out of the airport got into the fucking place

with these slippers on oh god because they're just they're just so comfy yeah and they feel like footwear and that's why

and I will agree it's just it's stupidity but yeah I see somebody in the shop wearing slippers I'm like oh fucking

kick them off put on some shoes like it's yeah it's so easy which is and I will people wear it intentionally definitely more muggle but I'll still I'll still allow myself to put on some shoes like it's yeah it's so easy which is and I will people wear it intentionally definitely more muggle

but I'll still I'll still allow myself to be in the corner I think it's worse no it's not I nearly said I think it's worse than people who wear

pyjamas to the shop no it's definitely not he's like oh fucking come on like unashamedly strutting about in jammies just like I've always wanted to

I'd love to be that confident I'd love to be that confident I really would I would wear cotton trousers on a Saturday night like I see so many chaps and eds doing

if there wasn't the social stigma attached all my hatred of people wearing pyjamas to the shop is absolute jealousy it's every ounce of it is jealousy

I'm just like I wish I had the fucking stones because like how comfy are jammies you're in a fucking shopping centre I'm just like, I wish I had the fucking stones. Because how comfy are jammies? You're in a fucking shopping centre.

There was a girl who I knew back in school. She, for her 21st, did pub golf. She said, instead of golf clothes, we're all going to wear pyjamas. And it was the fuck. And you were the only one that turned up in pyjamas. And everyone else turned up in suits. Pub golf, man. No no we all wore jammies and getting there was a bit awkward

but then once we're all together you don't feel as bad and getting home was incredible I just went into bed walked in walked in just straight drunk straight to bed my mum got me a onesie from Rick and Morty it's a me six onesie it's right behind you but this one

I've had a bunch of onesies in my life Gareth I'm unashamedly a muggle enjoyer of the onesie I'm a big fan I get shit for it all the time but I own it it's one of my things I own

it's got an arse flap oh yeah man you have not lived until you've shat fully dressed

like you have not to nothing right it's there you sit down my shoulders are warm I've got a hood on every other part of my legs is warm

it's all I'm just shitting and it's the most fraying thing in the flesh man this is gross I used to have a dinosaur onesie

because I've got riding suit everyone buys me dinosaur fucking presents I had a dinosaur onesie and this is gross. I used to have a dinosaur onesie because I've got riding suit. Everyone buys me dinosaur fucking presents. I have a dinosaur onesie. And this is horrible. And I'm already regretting telling this story. I ripped accidentally. It just naturally ripped in the crotch. And on at least seven occasions,

that's how I've masturbated. Like, I have been wearing the onesie and it just flops out I'm a horny sorus and it just pops out

I'm like well if you insist like you know this thing like with Snowden that all the cameras in your

house are on fuck me could CIA ruin my life the MI5 just have me dressed as a fucking

a T-Rex with long enough arms to masturbate. The two finger one. It's just great. I'll absolutely agree with the slipper things but I'm absolutely in the corner as well. Right, let's do a quick pause so I can pee

and get a drink and then we'll do our last two games alright we're back so we've got enough time to do the game that we missed out last time because it'll be a quick one true lies

which you've not played before but we've done in the podcast so basically we each come up with three statements any number of them can be true and any number of them

can be false but the other person has to guess which ones are true which ones are false, etc. So I'll go first so you can guess mine. Here are my three statements. I've had a wank

on a plane. I've had a wank at the Tower of London. And I've had a wank backstage at a gig. I think all three are true. Absolutely all three are true. Absolutely. And I realised the stage at a gig i think all three are true absolutely all three are true absolutely yeah and i realized the one there that you would obviously know to be true but it's the one in there is the tower of london one yeah obviously because not a lot of people know

but i'm trying to say this uh one of our good friends tom houghton uh lives in the tower of london um because of his uh that's job means for five years he gets to live in the tower of London because of his dad's job he gets to live in the Tower of London in a section that's guarded by beef eaters and I've stayed at his house

many times and jerked off in there loads so if the Queen goes to jail in the next three years it's because

they found my browsing history I wondered about the plane one because I know you've had a hand job on the plane I've had a foot job on a plane what? I didn't the plane one because I know you've had a hand job on the plane I've had a foot job

on a plane what I didn't know that one oh it's the same story when I was kind of raped a bit yeah yeah

yeah well mum mum stop listening to this podcast please just for the next five minutes yeah sure

wondered when this story was going to come up I was coming back from America I was coming back from America. I was coming back from America, from doing gigs out in LA,

and I was flying back to get to Edinburgh so we could all fly to Benidorm with me, Kyle and the boys, and just get fucked up. But the flight from LA to Chicago is delayed, and my connecting flight from Chicago to London, then to Edinburgh, I'm going to miss that. So they just say

flight's gone tough so I have to queue for like three hours and I'm like I need to get back to Edinburgh I need to make this fucking flight

to Benidorm so I'm on the phone to my agent and I'm like I've got to get look at any flights I'm in the queue but look at any flights

and she was like the next flight that will get you there on time in fact the only one is direct to Edinburgh and it's three and a half thousand pounds

wow and I was sitting there going like it's I'm tired I've been away for a while yeah like I've earned a bit of money

I've got to make this trip I can't miss this holiday with the boys I'm like right just just keep your finger over that button and I'll let you know

when I get to the front get to the front they ask where I'm going and they go there and I go I know there's front. Get to the front and they ask where I'm going and they go, there. And I go, I know there's a flight direct to Edinburgh

in two hours. And they're like, oh, so there is. We'll put you on that one. I'm just like, all right, how much is that? Maybe they get a discount.

They're like, it's free. Like, we fucked up your flight so it was obviously, so wait, I'm like, this is a direct flight to Edinburgh

and I'm getting free, it's virgin, I've been upgraded. They're like, yeah, great. Here's also, here's business lunch for the inconvenience. So I'm getting smashed in business lunch. I'm getting free, it's virgin, I've been upgraded, they're like, yeah, great, here's also, here's business lunch, for the inconvenience,

so I'm getting smashed, in business lunch, I'm still slightly economy, but by the time, I'm so drunk, it feels like business, so, get on the plane,

there's a woman beside me, it's a small flight, I think a lot of people, sort of missed it, or didn't fucking know about it, and there's this, woman beside me, from,

the Philippines, and, we start talking a little bit but we're watching the movies the guy comes out so he wants a booze on one of the red wines

she goes oh the champagne the guy goes if I could take two each just does it nice guy at one point we try to put our seatbelts in

we actually put the wrong ones we're like how funny is that and I'm not thinking she's just someone I'm sat beside and oh god this is such a horrible story but I didn't do anything's just someone I'm sad beside and

oh god this is such a horrible story but I didn't do anything wrong so I'll tell it every time he comes out he's giving us two of each when the mail comes out we decide to take everyone so we talk she's from the Philippines but she lives in Norway now she's flying to Edinburgh to get a Canadian flight to Norway she's been on holiday for one week

she's a single mother but she's just had like a week off to go to America, see a lot of her family and stuff who live over there. And we're drinking, we're flirting a bit, but I'm thinking nothing. Why would I? We went to watch the movie and all the lights on the plane go off. And under my blanket, she just starts jerking me off. Just, no, nothing. blanket she just starts jerking me off just no nothing just starts

and I'm like oh and I'm in the middle row not the side ones the middle like there's people and I'm like

I'll just keep my hands up like I look like a zombie just to and everywhere come everywhere like I ruined that

and I have to kick it underneath the front and then she's laughing. She's like, oh, we have a banner, but she just keeps,

doesn't say anything. An hour later, gets my dick out again, just right, just really starts jerking me off, but then goes away and just with her feet, just,

and I'm like, I've never had a good job in my life ever. Never won it. Starts doing it and I'm like, I'm not going to job in my life ever never won it starts doing it and i'm like i'm not gonna stop this like i've got the blanket again coming all over again i feel so sorry for that virgin stewardess who just had to like crack a blanket like a poppadom as she bend it and i fall asleep immediately i've come to a point, the only thing I did afterwards was go to the back, shit-faced drunk, and just laugh at myself in the mirror.

Because to this day, I also don't believe that this story is true. It happened to me, but every part of it seems a lie. Because she was from the Philippines. That's the lie you make up. That's the go-to place. So I was kind of raped on a plane. Cool. So that's, but no, there's been other times I've just been on planes and been like,

sometimes I can't sleep if I'm not awake. Get rid of the fucking energy. Biology, innit? Yeah. Okay, here are my three statements. I used to think that the planes, when they have that white trail coming behind them, were how clouds were made. I once got my shoe stuck on the school roof just a shoe and i broke my nose after my first kiss okay i believe two of those are true okay uh i believe the airplane one because that like if

you're a kid that's absolutely something I would have believed then yeah what was the second one? I've got my one shoe stuck in the school roof oh absolutely the amount of times playing football on the playground shoe falls off it's on the roof that one I don't believe you broke it I don't understand all three are true I genuinely used to see the planes and go oh that's how close i mean yeah that's absolutely

fair yeah uh the shoe in the school roof i wore those uh i can't even remember what they're called wallabies is that what they were called the shoes so uh they didn't have the like the laces and mines were a little bit too big so anytime i kicked it just went flying and one of my mates threw me a sweet and went hey volley that and I went to volley it and my shoe went flying off into the school roof I had to walk with one shoe onto the janitor's office and go

my shoe's on the roof can you get my shoe down and they were just like what the fuck just one shoe how do you break your nose while kissing though well

a little bit Glasgow kiss you just fucking headbutt first kiss we were at a sleepover. It will be. I reckon 13.

Okay. 18. It's late for two reasons. One, that's your first kiss, but at 18 you're still having sleepovers. Like your mum's ironed your jammies to take them out. You've got to look smart. We're doing, I think it was Truth or Dare

and somebody goes I dare you to kiss this girl here and we go up and kiss and as we're walking back to join the circle of everybody I tripped on the carpet and hit my nose off a coffee table. Yeah, really broke my nose pretty bad.

And our mum and dad I thought you were just like so bad at kissing that she decked you yeah she was like what was that kiss like a bitch

blam and our mum and dad were doctors and they came down and they like fixed it and it was just pouring blood

and I had to sleep upstairs by myself when everyone was downstairs so they could hear them having fun I lived like three doors away as well I could hear them having fun I lived like three doors away as well I could have went home

but I didn't want to miss out on hearing them having fun and kissing right perfect into our last round your dad jokes as always our favourite

we did some of these well not these ones but we did some work in progress tonight I might generally throw those in at some gigs because I always forget how

because this is such stupid funny but it's funny it makes me howl with laughter I've done it live a few times and it's always worked

you've been part of both I reckon it's something we should start implementing more because you come up with so many that New Year's night we were up until

about 11 in the morning and there was an hour when there was about 7 of us sat around and we were just all slinging out your dad jokes best one for me was Ricketts

one of our friends that was arm broken by a swan said your dad's a dinner lady yeah so good I remember I've got a vague memory

like that and I remember like trying to say I thought of funny ones in my head and because I'm so hammered I just couldn't say the words so I'd be like

your dad wears it's the cardigan that oh don't worry they've listened to the podcast with me and Kai did in Amsterdam

they've heard that level of delivery they're very aware um oh go first your dad has drawn lips there's just no definition to them like I bring

there's one with mascara too, it's weird HD lips Your dad slides on dance floors on his knees Like he's got to go Lift his shirt while we talk Your dad got liposuction after catching Riz reflection in the hall of mirrors Your dad has an Amazon wish list on his Twitter bio

He's a whore He's just a slutty man Your dad stands in the arrival hall of Heathrow With a sign that says anyone Your dad pretends to be a woman on chat rooms Your dad wears a shirt in the shower because he's body conscious your dad's a boy racer

oh that was one of the ones the other night your dad's got a bad boy tattoo because he used to go down backwards on the helter skelter your dad says your dad says your dad says what did your last life die of when your mum

asked for him to pass her some water during labour your dad only pretends to drink the wine at church

doesn't want to get done for drink driving because he's drunk your dad's like the Mona Lisa wherever I move in. Because he's driving. Your dad's like the Mona Lisa. Wherever I move in the room,

he's always staring at me. Your dad tried to get a cover-up tattoo for his henna. Did it with a transfer one. Whenever someone has a baby, your dad says, did it with did it with the transfer one yeah um whenever someone has a baby your dad says how much did they

weigh and licks his lips uh your dad likes paper cuts he's just a diet emo yeah oh not really

I'm not I want to fully commit uh your dad gets a lisp whenever he's happy and you've never heard it He's just a diet emo. Yeah. Ooh. Not really. I want to fully commit. Your dad gets a lisp whenever he's happy and you've never heard it. Your dad is the old guy in hostels. Your dad says, New Year's save me

while having a strangle wank on New Year's Day. Crying. Your dad's banned from Games Workshop for getting too into it. Your dad walks into the gynaecologist and says, the usual. I remember one of yours from the other night. I don't know why this made me think of it.

It's your dad sucks his teeth like a rude boy. Yeah, that was actually Kai's one originally. Oh, was it? Yeah, your dad sucks his teeth like a rude boy. That was school. Your dad still plays Pokemon Go. He does. He's still not even gotten out of them.

He's just been churning out pidgeys for the candy he's got 17 pidgeots can't defend the gym with them

do we and his team instinct that rounds us up very nicely Gareth thank you

very much for doing the podcast do you have anything you want to plug do you have a Glasgow show nah are you doing a Glasgow show

or anything yeah I'm doing a Glasgow show I think it's on the 10th March my name's Gareth Gareth Watt and the show's called Honestly

and because Kai honestly I think she names pronounced Woff which we've discussed before it's not it's W-A-U-G-H

it's Watt it's clearly Watt yeah it's great for any of the well my next gigs are uh

this weekend at the Conley store in London Thursday two shows Friday two shows Saturday I'll be on there uh

and then next weekend I am in uh Washington uh doing a Conley Washington DC with Eric Lampert

doing support but we are both in Washington for Trump's inauguration. So we will definitely, we'll definitely be doing a podcast then. And then I've also got gigs in LA and New York coming up. Check my website for those.

And I promise I'll do more this weekend. I'm going to do one with Tom Houghton who lives in the Tower of London and it's a great comedian. I'll do a couple with Eric and I'll keep turning them out. And then you guys just need to get on to Kai to fucking buy a Dictaphone the fucking hobo make him buy one instead of a wedding ring

what's going to last longer like what's he going to be let's be honest what's Kai going to be more faithful to this podcast or any woman that fucks him

but in the same way he's also not being offered other podcasts so it's the same level of temptation thanks very much sorry about the delay but also go fuck yourselves love you bye