Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.25 Look Who's Back!

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

Muggins is back for a parting Podcast before going his seperate way from Cream for a short while, the boys are joined by Elliot "Man Of" Steel (@elliotsteelcom) and the well to do Tom Houghton (@tomhcomedy) of impending "First Dates" fame. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. And that's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Billardy, Billardy, get your ears all over my party. What? It's recording. Oh. We've got a new... Do you know Billardy? Who, the bird watcher? Is that what he does, the bird watcher?

I don't know. Was that Billardy or was that... The guy with the beard? Can this not be the intro? It is. Go on'm back. Guess who's back? Bringing the rain.

So, Marcus is back after, what's it been, fucking... Well, the last one we done together was Altitude with the guys. Oh, the ones who aged to upload. Of course, Aaron Maxwell and Gareth, and then you've done a couple with Gareth, which I listen to. Fucking funny, man. I get it when people are tweeting us saying that laugh on the train

it was nice to have a little role reversal I was in Liverpool's Lime Street station and laughing my tits off Gareth's your dad joke

specifically about which one? the one about going down to the pool and putting your dad gets up early to go to the pool to put his towel

on the lounge but he puts it on one eight miles away from the pool and he just got us right in the funny just chuckling away like a lunatic so this podcast is special for a number of reasons

one it's our first back in a while second you have finally got your own fucking dig phone yeah Natalie bought us a little parting gift I'm going to Australia for three months tomorrow so that means you are now capable of doing your own podcast. I think we're going to do it so that you're responsible for Thursday's podcast. I'll start doing Monday's and then we'll meet and back up when we're in Australia.

So we're all grateful to Natalie for equipping me with the goods because I was too lazy to do it myself. Right. Thank you, lovely. And I'm going to be living in a house with Kerry Marks, who's a fantastic comedian, who I'm going to try and get on the podcast as often as possible. And I'm going to be at numerous festivals throughout Australia with talented bastards everywhere, so

we'll keep it going until we reunite in Melbourne. Is that the door that I thought was Natalie? Right, yeah. We're in Natalie's bedroom. It's the same door that made a squeak when I talked Natalie if you can remember that podcast also we do have two

guests on this podcast we'll go get them in a bit to be on the podcast it's Elliot Steele and Tom Houghton who neither have been on the podcast before Tom Houghton is the one who in fact we'll bring it up when he's on the fucking podcast but basically I've had a wank in his house loads do you have anything you want to bring up Tom lives in the Tower of London that's what I was just said we were going to wait until he's on the fucking podcast but basically I've had a wank in his house loads do you have anything you want to bring up? Tom lives in

the Tower of London. That's what I was just said we were going to wait until he was in the room did you literally just not listen to the words that left my mouth I literally just said Tom oh no I'll let him explain it and then you just went ahead I mean I'm going to be honest with you I didn't hear anything because I was just watching your lips and wanting to kiss you

you have such a soft mouth it was so funny when we saw each other for the first time in ages yesterday when you come here we didn't know whether to hug or not

oh yeah I saw you like just getting a hug it's like you would with anyone you had seen in a while I didn't I didn't

I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't

I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I. No, no, no. You pushed it up. No, I didn't. I took a run up, didn't I? You pushed it up for a cuddle. I did not. And then you changed your mind and smoothed it out like you didn't want to hook it up with.

And then I looked at you and went, go on then. And you just threw your arms around my neck. Threw my legs around your waist. And I just held you up by your bum. I was like I just help you on fireballs? I was like, where have you been, cream? Where have you been? And then we're eskimo kissed with our noses.

I start sobbing into your neck while Coldplay played in the background. Hugh Grant did a voiceover about his mate and he threw up. Death row. I made a death row.

I want it to be on record that I absolutely did not I walked I walked into the Natalie's house and I walked straight through the living room

playing it cool playing it cool you chased me through I was in the living room charging my phone and you came through on all fours panting like a dog

I thought you about all fours like with my arms hanging out twerking like Beyonce doing the Beyonce dance nobody twerks on all fours watch this I mean you can't see it

on the podcast but imagine it with the back off going and everything actually sorry mate it's all good now I'm absolutely hanging out my arms today as well

so I'm hanging out your arse so we've got Oh, I'm absolutely hanging out my arse today as well. So I'm hanging out your arse? So we've got two guests, actually. We've done this! Do you not listen to any words that come out of my mouth? Shut up and listen. Tom Horton.

Right. And? Yes. Elliot Steele. Both which I said. I didn't, though. Oh, Jesus. We're also very hungover We stayed up much At the UFC last night

And drank a lot of gin And then We played worms We played Got worms We played worms By played worms I mean dragged me off

Across the carpet I feel so sorry for Nally as well Because she When I walked into her room yesterday She was so happy About how clean her room was, and we have fucking destroyed it. Those cans and shit just everywhere. I've done a little tidy up,

like picked the baggies up off the floor. Licked them. Sandwich to tell bags. Lick that tampon packet. Get the last of it, waste not want not. Dip them in hot water so it just turns into tea inside of me condom like that

clean aye you know if you're turning your condoms inside out that's it mate girls oh right should we go get the fucking guests on the podcast

nah we'll just keep them waiting for ages are you writing should we mug them off before because they're not going to listen to this I mean they are definitely

going to listen to this podcast because they're both so fucking narcissistic that they want to come and hear that sound should we start making up like rumours about them now then

right Elliot Steele right here's a rumour about him he's a comedian I mean that's what people are saying on the street but

it might not be true go to one of his gigs find out for yourself Tom Horton Tom Horton now don't say

what's when I say I'll let him say don't say what's going to happen to Tom Horton tonight he's going to be

on first dates oh for fuck's sake like do you skip to the end of books and just be like oh great people do that you know people read the end of books And just be like Oh great People do that you know

I know People read the end of a book And then Go back and read it I think when people read the end of a book I'm like Yeah that's the point You mean first

Yeah yeah yeah I mean they go to the end And they like Give themselves a couple of spoilers And then work towards it Aye Who are them fucking maniacs Aye

I'd do that in porn Go straight to the cum shot Aye Find out where it finishes if she doesn't finish on a foot

it's not for you I've never understood foot fetishes like I will if you've got any sort of fetish like if I'm if I'm banging

abroad I mean having sex with a woman overseas overseas if you've got any fetishes I'll join in more power to you

but that's one where I think it's exclusively a guy thing foot fetish I would love a foot fetish because this is what I mean I've got a boob fetish

most people do a lot of people do I like boobs a lot of people like boobs so it's not considered a fetish because it's so but but like you have to achieve boobs by the way you've got the same fetish as a baby i've never changed same old me um so if you've got a foot fetish people have their feet out all the time because they don't consider them to be like a exclusive part of their body for their partner so people just like kicking around with their feet out all the time because they don't consider them to be like a exclusive part of their body for their partner

So people just like kicking around with their feet out all the time Now if you had the same feeling from feet as you get from boobs you'd get everywhere Put that on the joint, people will run the tube when they shoes on What?! If you got a foot fetish you must love mosques Aye, oh man If I had a foot fetish I'd be the best Muslim ever That word Because you wouldn't be able to jerk off in a mosque Aye Oh man If I had a foot fetish I'd be the best Muslim ever That would

Because you wouldn't be able To jerk off in a mosque Try and stop it They would Would they Yeah Shrek the Lord Yes

It's not specific to mosques here If you're jerking off In any place of worship Somebody's going to Fucking scalp your wrist Do you think they'd Ask you to stop first Go

Hi man Can I Place a wish What are you playing at Have some respect somebody's going to fucking scalp your wrist do you think they'd ask you to stop first go hiya man can I place a wish what are you playing at have some respect hiya man I've got to put a towel down but that's not for that reason

you're new here I'd reckon they'd just grapple you and get your arm out of your dick I mean I have fist to me japs eye

how do you work so Tom's on first dates no Tom is actually oh right we'll get him on the podcast because the whole idea was we were going to do the reveal

while Tom was here to talk about it but I just felt like pissing cream off absolutely spaffed it so we'll pause it right then and now we're back

with guests aye we've got to Daniel's right yeah why give directions who gives a shit what's wrong with you today

I'm building theatre of the mind it's theatre of the mind I'm creating an image for the listeners to Daniel's right he's sat facing me to Daniel's right to Elliot Steele

as we said there's a rumour going round that he's a comedian I've hid his inhaler and we're smoking vaporisers next to him so it could get it could get messy Elliot's right, Elliot Steele. As we said, there's a rumour going around that he's a comedian. I've hit his inhaler and we're smoking vaporisers next to him, so it could get messy. And also Tom Houghton is here. Who's Elliot's right?

If it's four people, it can't be a circle, it's a square, isn't it? Or a rhombus. Or a rectangle. There you go. So many options. Most importantly, the thing we have to remember is every guest has to come up with a name because obviously muggins cream everyone comes up crudies was crusher maxwell's was jeanette or something what was it i was like sharon sandra barbara drag name do you have a do you have a nickname for yourself tom

myself hi we could call you well to do because you were on first dates nights which i don't want to get into the discussion about in a minute, but you were described on the Sky Planner as well-to-do Tom. But then if you look at the other option

for well-to-do, there was oofy. Aye. Is that a P? Oofy? Does oofy mean well-to-do? Yeah.

So I'm just oofy no P. Aye. Oofy no P. Oofy no P. Aye. I saw the clock starting in your head very slow. Oofy. Oofy No Pee I saw the clock starting in your head

very slow Oofy Oofy Pee Oofy Pee we can go Oofy Oofy No Pee Muggins Cream and Oofy and Steel

it could just be Steel that's what everyone calls you anyway Steel just my surname unimaginative one so far Steel by name

Steel by nature can you explain to the listeners why you called your show in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival Netflix and Steel? Oh, because in my accent

where I come from in Croydon, that works as a joke. that doesn't. Because it's so Steel chill. But then, after I had all the posters

and flyers made, I got up there and then realised in no one else's accent does it work as a pun. Say it in your accent. Steel chill. Netflix. Netflix and in your accent. Steel, steel. Netflix.

Netflix is steel. Netflix is still. Aye. On paper, Netflix is still. The amount of people in that festival coming up to me and pointing it out as well. To steal a modern bird. Kill Steel Volume 2.

Kill Steel. Steel, steel. So I want to get on to most importantly two things Tom you're on first dates tonight I am

thanks to you and Gene me and Beanie we got drunk and signed up Gene and Tom and Ellis all up to

first dates and Gene and Ellis were not chosen or even called back or even emailed back so they were

like I reckon they must be devastated. Like, you have to send through photos. Do you reckon they just went, oh, Marcus spam, Marcus spam. Recycle bin, empty trash. Marcus spam because she looks like a fucking pig. And on the other side, does that not mean that they looked at me and went, oh, fuck, this guy needs help. Yeah.

Like, really, really. I was telling my parents that I was going on it and the whole way running up to it it was only through all the rounds it was only till the final week

just before I went out that we realised the whole time they thought I was talking about the undateables where they just get damaged goods they were just really happy

that I was trying yeah so how was it because it was it was a special one it was in France it's pre-recorded it's pre-recorded it's pre-recorded

he's not going on the day to night oh just a ghost he's not going on the day to night just to be clear he's pre-recorded he's done it in France

yeah yeah so it wasn't like the normal one they have in the restaurant in London they first flew us to Marseille

yeah we sort of I had a bit of pressure because like just going down to a restaurant in London is like quite never but when they're flying you

over to a different country I can set you up do you reckon they just went oh fuck there's no women in this country for you we've been through them all France looks more relaxed

and that's the way you then you then met with this person and you're like oh so this is what a bunch of strangers deemed to be like my equivalent your type and what did they did they did you this is what a bunch of strangers deemed to be my equivalent.

Your type. Did you feel they got it sort of spot on? Yeah. Was she good? She was pretty well to do. Pretty oofy. There was such a great trailer where she went, I think I'm going to come across really posh,

and he was like, oh, you do. Yeah, and they edited it to make her look like she gave me a really bitchy look, which she did. But then after that I went, but don't worry, I think you've met your match with me. Yeah. We can be posh pots together, so it was nice, but it looks like something. It looked like a bit of tension, a little bit of, oh, God. So are you kind of nervous about how it's going to, because they can edit you to look grey or look like a piece of shit, because I know you had a fucking war with Fred going on. I, I mean

Fred just took a disliking to me like he the French fuck for those who don't know I think he's got creepy eyes

I know people like his eyes but those those eyes have like seen deep graves that he's dug and do you know what he's divorced is he

is he I didn't know that yeah yeah and so he's there I love his like how the fuck do you know man I do do you watch First Dates I've never seen it do you watch First Dates no I didn't know that yeah yeah and so he's there I love his like it's like how the fuck do you know man I do

do you watch First Dates I've never seen it do you watch First Dates no I don't I love it but I've realised because me and Jean genuinely love the show

but I've realised we love it for different reasons Jean loves it because she likes seeing people who have been unlucky and love find I love it in the most

sadistic way possible and here's I couldn't stop laughing the other day Jean had to leave the room because she was so upset by how hard i was laughing there was this guy on right and he was clearly nervous like before the day he's physically sweating he's so nervous right and then there's this girl and she's really nice and they go on a date and she calls him on how

sort of nervous he is and they sort of hit it off but he's still nervous and he phones his mom halfway through and he thinks it's gone well and they've got that bit where they sit them in the interview and decide if they want to go on a second date or see each other again and it's always like they always go oh you go first oh you go first he goes oh I'll go first yes and she said no and I could not stand it he was the most

devastated and that's what I get out of the show see when someone gets fucking crushed so he thought he'd hit it off he felt chemistry and she was just like she had to be on the date so she was making the most of it and then when off he felt chemistry and she was just like she had to be on the date so she was making the most of it

and then when it came to the crunch she was like nah dog get out of here when she sat there he was so confident he was already

picturing himself in a white dress but then she was cold hearted as well because then afterwards they then sort of

they said no they went and chilled out by the pool and he sat there and then she got in her swimming costume well, because then afterwards they then sort of, they said no. They went and chilled out by the pool, and he sat there. And then she got in her swimming costume and started swimming around in front of him, like, here's what you could have won. She did that proper, like,

you know when Bond girls come out of the pool and do that full sex lift-off? She did that, and he's just sat on the floor to his mum. Yeah, my mum's got great eye. We're going to stay friends. She's just a good mate. And the other hard one about that as well,

because he had his sob story that his mate had died. Yeah, and she opened up to her. And then she went, oh, yeah, all my friends died when I was younger. She stole it, guys. She stole it, doctor. She was like, one of my friends died three years ago. She was like, three of my friends died five years ago. That's nothing.

You don't know pain you haven't suffered enough so I'm going to break up with you before it even begins so that goes out at what time tonight? I'll try and get this podcast out before

ten o'clock tonight ten o'clock tonight Tom Horton well to do and you are going to her house to watch it yeah

which is kind of nice I kind of want to watch it together I think she's got about 32 friends coming and about four of mine can vlog so i'm gonna look pretty i'm gonna look pretty awesome imagine the edit is terrible and you look like like you're being a dick to her and all of her friends are judging you judging you on the tv and then just looking over to you just sat there

we are two mates that's the moment i realized I'm a bit rapey. Yeah, do you reckon, like... Because I reckon I'm fucking stellar on dates. But I reckon if you see yourself, sometimes you might go, God, I'm a bit... Well, it would be hilarious, man, because you'd think you're good on a date, but if you sat with me watching your date back on telly, you'd probably cringe at a lot of the stuff you did,

even if you'd done it right. You'd still cringe at the stuff now Tom's in that situation right now yeah yeah in that situation right now because it's like everyone's watching

through a crystal ball and to your mates sincerity is always cringable whenever you're trying to be really sort of genuine oh yeah what the fuck you're doing

any like I can't wait for the whatsapp group tonight because anytime anytime you say anything even remotely polite or decent, like if you treat

it as a human being I'm going to be like, you fucking nerd. WhatsApp's going to blow up tonight. Oh, you're going to have a great time. I'm deleting WhatsApp.

Yeah, yeah. I reckon you're going to get properly rinsed. I cannot fucking wait. But do you have to pay for the date? Do they pay for it? They gave us a 5050 budget for each day.

It was great because we went out there just after Brexit. Oh, God damn it! So they give you €50 and then... So did you pay for the meal? So his... Spoiler alert. Because as soon as we got to the payment, she straight away went,

we'll split the bill. And I went, oh, you're sure? No, I'd really like to. She went, no, okay. And then I went on this sort of weird half-drunk, oh, great, feminism's alive. Men and women can live equally. Which is going to sound weird.

And then she took ages to get her money out. So I looked at the waitress and just paid. And so when she looked back up, she's like, are you paid? And I was like, ah, you were taking so fucking long. But I think it's going to come out as me going oh yeah feminism

we'll all be equal I'll pay don't listen to this don't broach stupid cow it's my money anyway I do all the work around here it's so amazing

that shift between chivalry and sexism where I have to pay for a date I'll hold the door I'll help someone carry the bag the difference between

holding the door open for a woman and slamming it right in her fucking dish apparently very different I've had that way I've wanted to

hold a revolving door open for a girl once you want to try and hold it right in her fucking dish I sat there fucking spitting like a hamster

she kept going straight back out she tried to run a straight line and fell over yeah I had

a day the other day where I saw someone struggling with a suitcase a woman struggling with a suitcase

and I wanted to help her but I was like I don't want to look like macho fucking man trying to

like oh I'm stronger than you and then I saw an old person standing on the tube and I wanted to give up my seat but then I thought I don't want to call, oh, I'm stronger than you. And then I saw an old person standing on the tube and I wanted to give up my seat but then I thought, I don't want to call them old.

And I'm like, I'm so scared. There's a homeless person wanting money and they don't want to be condescended. A lady lying in the road. I was like,

oh no, she can help herself. I didn't want to give the homeless guy money so I make a bet that he can't lose. I walked past the homeless guy the other day

and he's typical Tom chin in the air I was surprised that someone swiped that swore his Rolex on swore his Rolex in the sky and captured it he went

have a nice walk home and I just instinctively went you too I didn't even think about it I just instinct reaction went, you too. I didn't even think about it. I just instinct reaction. Oh no, that's really bad. I do hate that thing. I've done it multiple times in fucking restaurants

where they just go, hope you enjoyed your meal. You too. Oh, I wish I was dead. Happy birthday. You too. Right, shall we go into our muggle corner? Yes. I'll let Elliot, you can go first.

Hold on, let Elliot explain what a Muggle is. Oh, yeah, you can explain what a Muggle is. Because I'm a lifelong fan of this podcast. Long-time listener, first-time caller. It's like a wizardy word from Harry Potter that you use to describe people who haven't have haven't got the little spark in their life they're like a little bit dull yeah at first

like it was like proper like they were they because i don't know no yeah i'm going into too much detail no don't do it there's there's um at first it was like the proper like almost like we like i would say muggle so you look cool my god it would work the same yeah but like sometimes it feels like uh but then like you started doing ones and i started getting them and then i was like oh it's not i think people thought they were mean at start yeah people thought we're being cold-blooded oh i know because like we're like as if we're like character assassinating people that do it like we're writing them off like if you do one of these personality traits you can't be a friend but no everyone does it we even throw ourselves under the bus it's literally impossible not to be a muggle

at some point Yeah yeah Everyone It's just you've got to make sure We'll be socially conditioned to be muggles Yeah you've just got to

make sure that your ratio of muggle endeavours is smaller than your normal fucking endeavours It doesn't make you a bad person but everyone's guilty of it and if you are guilty if we all agree

that this thing is muggly you're in the corner for 30 seconds Steele What is your first suggestion for Muggle Corner? People who pin tweets. Oh, well... Unless you're promoting...

I can understand that in our job you've got to show us something, but you know when you see someone... Your favourite joke. That's what you're doing. Not if you're us and you need to, but... No, no, no, but I can understand if you run a business or something or you've got in a bar but like you know if you've once got 13 retweets

on something that was topical four months ago yeah or you know if someone retweets one of their tweets that once got like

10 retweets how do you even remember that shit how do you remember what you tweet and stuff it's kind of like something it's like the

blue people version of like and here's something funny I said earlier like it's kind of like hi welcome to my Twitter page this is the kind of gold you can be expecting for the whole fucking time now just yeah I was only on this one it's a it's like that dining out on like a former glory I don't know

what for my glory opinion at the top and but like you say I think em as a business model sometimes it's good to have like we think we have website or your gig list or your merchandise or anything like can be pinned at the top because that's your front page right? No. So I think pin jokes rather than... Yeah. I've seen people pin political points. On opinion yeah. They'll pin something like guy you know if you've clicked on here and you're like a member of this group or that group there's nothing you can click away and you're just like... I'm gonna find out what your pinned tweet is. I haven't got a pinned tweet you don't

no because I'm not I don't have one it just looks sad mine's just all six episodes of Muff are now

yeah so I'd say that's fine that's promotion yeah that's decent I mean I'll still stand in the corner because I'm still technically guilty

of it but do you have a pinned tweet Tom I'm on first dates tonight I've got a pinned tweet Tom? I'm on first dates tonight I've got a pin tweet which is an advert I did for a

guy who asked me to promote it tweet is unavailable it says ever had a night out that didn't go to plan well those days are gone my friends download the raw app and guarantee the funds it's an advert but the video that was attached to it is no longer is it? you need to update your portfolio.

Do you want to do a Muggle Corner, Tommy? Yeah, my Muggle Corner is people who keep empty bottles of alcohol as ornaments. Oh, Jean. Jean's in the corner. Do you know what I mean? Oh, she's, yeah. She loves it.

Jean's worse as well. It is totally muggly she puts like glitter and sequins she decorates them and fucking puts candles in there and flowers

and fucking dreams I wouldn't say that's muggly though because like if you look back on that and like oh that was a night out or like imagine

you had like a nice bottle of drink and just left it in the corner and like I always remember that time I went and if you're putting sequins

on an empty bottle of Bucky you're a fucking scumbag. Put an empty bottle of Sambuca to remind you of New Year 2013. We bought a beer can tower. Jesus Christ! Yeah, that is the lower version. If you've just got fucking tennies,

I might do that to just start pissing June off, be like, this is what you fucking look like. Yeah, if you keep your bottles down, keep me tennies. We bought Natalia Muggins and cream prosecco you keep that shit right? yeah did we? I did

but yes Natalie it was from me and Daniel he is thoughtful all of the things you do for him this is like whenever it's Christmas time and you and me

have never bought each other presents but you've bought me presents air quotes for the past four years which Natalie always buys me I'm just like when are you going to learn? The guy is so thoughtful. This is from me and Kyle,

I'm like, no it isn't. I saw in, I think it was in a tattoo shop, you know, the disinfectant, the spray on you, the antiseptic,

was someone who used a Jack Daniels bottle and got a screw cap for the, like an old bottle of Jack, and I thought that was pretty cool that he had the bottle for that, but. Right. but he's using that in a sort of purposeful way

rather than if you're just sticking fucking candles in don't you just get yeah I just go on then hey guys

I drink alcohol yeah that means I'm super cool yeah I feel it's like it's also there's definitely and Gene doesn't do it for this reason

but I reckon a lot of people are just like I just really care about the environment so it's just like you never have to throw things away you can do it's like all, but I reckon a lot of people are just like, I just really care about the environment, so it's just like, you never have to throw things away. You can do, it's like all those,

you know, those fucking shitty Buzzfeed lists where it comes out like, 30 things you can do with empty bottles instead of throwing them away. I just throw them away. Fuck the dolphins. Who gives a fuck?

Dolphins, dolphins rape people. I'm glad they die. I don't even, like, I don't trust them. They do, they rape people.

That's a fact. Dolphins rape people and they're the only animal that practice nasal sex. In the hole. Oh, that's right. In the hole, don't trust them. They do, they rape people. That's a fact. Dolphins rape people. And they're the only animal that practice nasal sex. In the hole. Oh, that's right. They fuck each other in the blowhole and then when they sneeze, oh, it's messy.

And they send sick kids to go and swim with them. That's fucking dangerous. They were just kids until they swam with them. So, yeah, if you collect their bottles. Has anyone ever kissed a dolphin? I want to kiss it. I have. I've figured a tuna.

I've swam with dolphins. I was a bit scared. Were you? Aye. They ring people. They just thought they were fancy sharks. They're quite big. They're powerful beasts.

Aye. No, they're like good batterers, especially in the water. I reckon I could take one on the land. I'd take a whale. And then wail on it for a little while. Pun intended. Wail on it.

I reckon a boxing ring, I could take a dolphin, but in the ocean. Because it's got a glove on its nose. Aye, I've kissed a dolphin we did the swim with them like there was because we all went

tongues what she tried it there's a bit weird because I was over there with my brothers I was fucking smashed as well

because we were in Disney and they've clearly never met British people before because you get there at 8 in the morning you're swimming with dolphins at like 11 and they give you a wristband and they've clearly never met British people before because you go there like get there 8 in the morning you're swimming with dolphins at like 11

and they give you a wristband and they just go so because you paid for the whole experience you can swim wherever you want you've got your

specific meet the dolphins time like the fucking meet a great shake their hands and stuff get an autograph get a signed

get a signed jersey get a selfie with him keeps making it deleted from his name no no no that one that one my nose looks big

in that one but because they know you have to have money in it because they don't want you swimming

in any of the closures with like money in your pockets they take your wallet up to the start so this thing is just free food and free booze

all day fish you're just getting fish thrown at you so I go up there and I'm like, is the booze free? And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, and unlimited. And they're like, yeah.

And I'm like, all day. And I'm like, yeah. I'm like, OK, can I get three margaritas? And they go, sorry, it's 9 AM. And I'm like, oh, is there a time when it starts? They're like, no, no, we're just, I'm like, is there like a time when it starts like no no it was just I'm like alright rein in the fucking judgment then

I'm going to swim my dog and she's like they're trying to rescue me you just keep floating face down and they just flip you

over and put you on the edge hold your hair back as you be sitting just like swimming me back she sure balanced me on their nose

yes I done that where one got under each foot and like swam with us and I just like lodged forward and then they come out of the water and I just stood like a fucking messiah on their noses. And then they just flew off. Just flew in.

I went towards the moon and I just disappeared into the night sky. Best day of my life, man. They're really fucking rubbery. Sorry, lovely. Are you drunk now? No I'm stupid Don't finish that rubbery I love you mate

The way I was scared of them Was because they're like They're quite big you know If I went running with horses Go I'd probably just be a little bit cautious Yeah I was running along with the horses Going oh we have big horses

And no ginger ones And like if you decide to turn on us I'm dead I just felt like that Like Never run with horses No Don't look at us us I'm dead it's like you've never been on horses you've never been on the prairie

you mean the prairie yeah yeah the prairie that's what I meant you know when you're with horses just ride them mate that's what they're

there for they're terrifying horses I wouldn't go ride them I'd get scared of them that's what I'm trying to say I'd be the same with a dolphin I wouldn't go swimming with a dolphin wouldn't you nah I wouldn't go riding. I'd get scared of them. That's what I'm trying to say. I'd be the same with a dolphin.

I wouldn't go swimming with a dolphin. Wouldn't you? No, I wouldn't trust them. I'm not going to pussy you. I'm admitting that I had a little bit of flutter on my tummy. Do you reckon you could beat up a horse in the sea? I could beat up a seahorse. Only the men know.

I'm not a pregnant one. I'm not a dick. Do you reckon do you reckon the only reason we don't ride dolphins is because animal rights came in too late right

the only reason we ride horses right is because animal rights because they're in the sea like saddle them

if we can saddle dolphins if we can train these little fucks to fucking fart on command and whatever they do and like

make squeaky noises and just do like I mean you just put a saddle on the back of them I guess the danger is a horse

can't fucking drown you without drowning itself if at any point that dolphin's not enjoying you on his back he's like right fuck you can't

I would have thought of the Grand National way more if it was on dolphins but it's still on land though you're just trying to heave it over and give me a laugh land though I've completely

forgotten what your Michael Cora was we were so distracted bottlenose dolphins alcohol balls

alcohol bottles yeah alcohol bottlenose dolphins yeah I'll totally agree with that Gene you're in

the corner for 30 seconds right this one I think we'll watch this with that Gene you're in the corner for 30 seconds right this one I think we'll all watch this show but it's people who refuse to watch Game of Thrones because they don't like dragons and stuff oh yeah get over that bit it's remarkable

it's remarkable television if you write it off because I don't like dragons and stuff you've robbed yourself there's always going to be a thing like when something's so popular, why don't you just give it, like, you should watch it.

Yeah, I do feel the people that don't like Game of Thrones is something like, oh, you're not liking it to be cool. Like, that's why you're like, yeah, I just don't really like the fucking mainstream stuff. And you're like, oh, shut up, nerd.

I go against the grain. I've never seen it, but I've got that feeling of going, I know I like games like Skyrim and stuff and Lord of the Rings, so I know if I watch it, that's just hours of my life. Not wasted. Not wasted, but I know it'll just be one of them things,

you know, when you're sat there and you've watched like five episodes of one series in a day and you've not moved. Man, there's fucking heaps of dick in it too as well. It's mint. Yeah, and Loras gets blotted off randomly. I totally do. He gets noshed off by a bloke and then I have to go pretend to be. If that's what you're into.

I don't mind you doing it, just don't wave it round in my face. It's a fantasy world. Pretend to be straight, here comes the knight of flowers. George. Subtle casting. Unless that's what they mean by dragons. It's just the new term that they're all getting away with.

I'm like dragons and stuff, if you know what I mean. You know the term fairy is homophobic, right? Can we all agree that it's... The reason it's homophobic is because people just associate it to gay people. But I still think fairy is a good word to use to describe someone who is... Because fairies themselves are just small weak fucking pathetic

things so when I call someone a fairy someone goes you're homophobic I'm like no I understand it's got the

history of homophobia but I'm calling you a fairy because you're a small weak pathetic glittery piece of shit I call someone

a fairy if I use them to do the dishes guts off hands or a callous face if I use them to do the dishes? Got soft hands. Or a callous face. No. And does that do dishes on a soft face?

I don't even remember those adverts. Very liquid. Green giant. Denon. I'll give you that. So you're right off Game of Thrones because of dragons and stuff I was with someone

the other day that just wrote off UFC because it's just like dudes wrestling each other it's just naked dudes grabbing each other

and you're like just don't be ignorant I know who you're talking about and I'll name a shame because I don't respect them we're like

Doug Siegel can fuck off there wasn't actually him but yes that was his problem no you can't stay away you fuck like Doug Siegel can fuck off oh there wasn't actually him but yes oh right right come back no you can't stay away

fuck is Doug Siegel that started to fight out of nowhere with Milo because Milo raised the point

which was like and it's one I agree with which is I'm surprised more like feminists haven't got behind UFC because like

Ronda Rousey five years ago Dana White was like there will never be women fighting in the UFC ever ever ever over my fucking dead body he literally says over my dead body and then two years later Ronda Rousey turns up like I'm the fucking greatest since then there's now three fucking divisions he's had a U-turn he's opened his mind

she's brought in there are now three fucking weight classes for women in the UFC their fights are fucking great you've got huge fucking men big testosterone men

being like come on Ronda like it's one of my favourite things when we would see Ronda Reed when Risha Tate survived the first

two rounds and was celebrating that she'd won it it was so cool so Milo's point was like it's weird I just do find it

a bit weird that feminists haven't got behind her as much as they should have. Like, she is a fucking groundbreaking person. And it is just because you've seen some fucking violent things. So Doug Seale came in with his fucking beard.

Like, he'd come along with just these really, like, he had no knowledge of what he was talking about, yet he was talking so assured. And I was just watching every thing, going, why are you here? Like, not in this thread, just on this earth. And it is what exists. Because if you look back, I wasn't so assured and I was just watching every free set going why are you here? Like not in this thread just on this earth. It doesn't exist. If you look back

fighting has been such a sort of that's what men do over the years. So for women to come and own that properly own it that's the ultimate

feminist thing. Yeah. Yeah. And bringing these two yeah yeah and I mean the fucking thing where she's probably

paid more How is that to say that she's the highest paid fighter aye well apart from McGregor yeah no

I think there's been a transition in the last two years but she was aye she did get absolutely fucking bitched in her last two fights

we were saying that there'll come a day when you could actually get women and men fighting together well I think as long as they've

done the matchups correctly because obviously you're not going to put the at the minute you wouldn't put the best bantamweight woman in

with the best bantamweight guy. Cody Garbrandt would probably destroy Nunez. But if you put Nunez against whoever she's matched up with, it might be the 30th guy on the roster, the ranked 30th, is a fair fight for her. You don't just go straight in at the top. It's such a complicated thing to bring in because like there's just you will just get people that go

because it could be a lose-lose situation because like let's say she wins her first three fights against guys and then loses

I mean even though like everyone who watches UFC if she gets knocked out by a guy everyone in the UFC goes absolutely fair

fair fucking matchup people get knocked out all the time this was a fair fight but the people who do not watch UFC or understand people get knocked out all the time this was a fair fight but the people who do not watch UFC or understand would just be like

it's violence this guy beat up a fucking woman you're the one that brought gender into it none of us were focused on it

it was just too funny I refuse to believe we won't get a future where we can hit him that is something that we really should be working towards yeah

a better future ladies and gentlemen Tom Horton watch First Dates so I think it's should be working towards. A better future. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hall. Watch First Dates. So I think it's, obviously, as society is completely not ready

for that yet, it would have to come through with our sports first. You would have to have a woman that was like the Ronda Rousey of a field sport, maybe it's like

football, and then they go, why can't she play in the Premier League she's as good as the Premier League football has and then that's

where you start and then eventually it becomes normal to have that kind of integration and then the fighting would come last yeah yeah yeah

that's how they do it am I wrong that there's transgender fighters there is but it's a huge debate there's a lot of arguments about whether

because when you go through home and replace me I was just tucked in there's a lot of arguments about whether because when you go through hormone replacement yeah i just tucked in um there's a lot there's lots of debates about um you know because they still have testosterone but when you go through hormone replacement therapy uh they actually have a lot less uh testosterone once they've gone through the full uh transition so it's arguably there might be a a bit of a disadvantage Bethany Black is someone that

I don't know much about she's a comedian but she probably knows more about it I think she did an article on it did you? yeah yeah

because I'm so uneducated in this and so ignorant of this I can't even bring myself to the debate yeah I feel very much the same way but the little I know

about it was that so worried about saying the wrong thing or having the wrong opinion just out of ignorance but yeah I don't know what the. So worried about saying the wrong thing or having the wrong opinion just out of ignorance but yeah I don't know what the current standards were transgender and the UFC.

We'll pin that. Yeah we'll pin that, we'll come back to it but yes and I wouldn't need to say it was even exclusive to Game of Thrones but in this but if you don't watch Game of Thrones because you're just like I just don't like fantasy mythical shit I bet you were having a wank ten minutes later though you fucking nerd.

You're missing out on a real good story it's such a good story the books are great too my one is Muggles you'll have to explain this love coffee right

you can like coffee right everyone likes coffee but see if you're one of those ones like I'm just not the same person until I've had

my cup of joe yeah you are you're still boring you're still the worst if anything you've just got more energy to be a dullard like go drink your

slave pick fucking bean water and shut the fuck up like it's like like because I couldn't if you made me a coffee couldn't give a fuck

if it's ground couldn't give a fuck if it's dry like dude someone would go oh that's a nice coffee but I'm not you know the snobs

you go you make a coffee and you go it's just dry stuff they're like oh no I'll just wait until I go oh shut up cunt

my friend was saying the other day someone wouldn't put milk in his coffee in a hipster shop because you're not meant to have milk with that particular coffee

so the barista wouldn't put milk in it oh yeah shut up it's my I'm paying for the fucking thing get out of my mouth if I order a pizza and I want to put

fucking tomato sauce on it you're fucking I mean I wouldn't I'm not a monster but you don't get to imagine that any other place that you'd be like

oh can I get can I get gin and tonic with ice ice cream shut the fuck up I didn't I asked for your drinking your services

not your opinion you no one and I feel like the people that have this again it's fine I don't like coffee like I I can take it

or leave it but oh can I have a skinny chai cinnamon latte sorry I haven't coffee like I I can take it or leave it but oh can I have a skinny chai cinnamon latte sorry I haven't got any I'll just forget it then alright I'll just

I'll just I'll get one of the other things you've never walked into a fucking pizza shop and been like oh can I get can I get a pepperoni we don't have pepperoni

oh I'll just not have pizza then forget the whole thing you've ruined it I had a comedian called Pete Johansson wanted to drive him drive him 14 miles to Starbucks

when there was a Costa next door to our accommodation and he was like oh it has to be a Starbucks and I'm like would you drive me

40 miles to a McDonald's if there was a Burger King next door would you see me get a fucking Burger King in here

I've couldn't but he was like oh the Starbucks coffee's like a special blend or something I just I couldn't give

less of it I think if you're stand in the corner Pete go stand in the corner I just I'm just not I'm not fussed

like I feel like I think with teas it's different because you get like different you generally get different types of tea peppermint tea

raspberry tea mint tea but it's so irrelevant that I couldn't make it important I couldn't make it important the brand of the coffee or tea or whatever it's such a minor

minor thing in my life yeah it might yeah it's nice to be treated to a nice one I want one of those there's this we started on Kickstarter

and I absolutely want this it's like this little alarm clock and you set it and it just makes coffee for you and like that's how you wake up yeah

so what it does is five minutes before you wake up and the alarm goes off it brews you a fucking espresso so you wake up and I'm like that would brews you a fucking espresso so you wake up and I'm like that would get me up

in the morning yeah that's awesome like sometimes the fire alarm has gone off in my house and it's always just toast but my lack of urgency then is just

terrifying like you remember every time there was a fire alarm at school and you just went ugh it's the most precious

thing in the world you're just like oh fucking here we go in fact do you remember that when we were filming Muff? We had all these fucking fake guns, right? These fake...

From Airsoft. Like actual replicas that looked legit, like AK-47s and shit. And we have to carry all these fucking guns down these stairs for this scene. So we're all walking down. Two people are fucking dressed up like terrorists. And just an alarm goes off in the building

and slowly people start filing out of their offices coming downstairs. Now in America eight people would have died because two people would have had guns on them and they would have said it was God. But in Britain, I swear 40 people walk past, three people dressed as terrorists with guns and we're just like, oh yeah. Are you leaving

because of the fire alarm too? It's not like you. It's probably that false alarm again. They're there with a gun. They've got no reason to believe it's not a gun. Like, also, like, or maybe just looking at it as being like, oh, they were going to come in for it. They were going to come in to shoot everyone up

with a fire alarm. I'm just going to shoot us outside. I don't want to risk my own health. Scumhead with burnt toast. So, the coffee thing I love a coffee as much as the next

guy but it's not my identity if it's your defining feature then absolutely and I

think we should actually go on to your dad jokes we're on 42 but with the

10 we did before I just posted so that's in total no it isn't in total in that case we totally can do another round of muggles

aye okay this is this is what I do I think we've all done it but whenever I see someone else do it I think

oh what a muggle if you put a picture up somewhere of you smoking a joint or anything to do with weed yeah any you know like

when it's just like hey guys, look how cool that I'm being, look what I'm doing outside. Hashtag 420. Yeah, yeah. Hashtag hash.

Flip the bird. Yeah. Flip the bird to create the look. And you have to be blowing smoke in the camera and I've got ones that are like pictures of me up doing it.

But whenever I see anyone else do it, I think, oh, what a dick. We did it in Amsterdam. Yeah. It really, it's like he shot in a cafe in the mirror. I think Amsterdam, I'd say somewhere like Amsterdam, I think, oh, what a dick. I'm in the corner right now. We did it in Amsterdam. Yeah. It really, it's like the arty shot

in a cafe in the mirror. I think Amsterdam, I'd say somewhere like Amsterdam's different. I'm talking mines at the back of like my bins or something. If you've gone to the

weed capital in the world, but mine's just stood round the back of the estate. It's 3pm on a Wednesday. There's just, oh, you're just in the back of the shop,

there's your dad looking out the window titan, men titan. I do it like empty alcohol bottles and just keep the empty joint butts put glitter on them and decorate my room Roach

I'm 100% in the corner of that oh like yeah and you know what I do think it's cool I really do, I'm gonna do it again see you next time I've got like a big spliff or something and it's like a cool really do. I'm going to do it again. See you next time. I've got like a big spliff or something. And it's like a cool shot. See if I'm looking particularly fucking gnarly.

Yeah. Tinder profile. Aye. Be like, oh, sorry, ladies. I'm going to refer a bad boy. Should I come on Tinder? Bad boys, bad boys. What you going to do?

What you going to do when your dreams come true? Yeah. No, I totally agree. Because it is... It's just such an obvious but shit act of rebellion. You wouldn't do it with any other drug, would you? Like on Tuesday, you've got a big line of GAC. You know, like in the back of someone. You know what, I'd love to do that.

I've got so many good quarters on drugs that I just think, oh, have some respect for people whose opinions of you are higher. I've got family on Facebook. Yeah, it's that. It's just such minor rebellion. It'd be like taking a selfie of you doing 75 on a motorway. It'd be like, oh, I'm technically breaking the law.

And deep down you know it's actually just a cigarette. You couldn't get weed. I think it also is, if you're yeah if you're gonna take rebellious shots for your Facebook go hard right

have it you shooting someone in the back of the head have it you jerking off to kid porn like go hard and go home you fucking

you fucking half job you'll post that and this is where we start refreshing the legs yeah totally my corner I fully agree 30 seconds and we'll start refreshing the legs yeah totally muggle corner

I fully agree and I'll stand in the corner for 30 seconds because I think we're all made our answer shall we all go stand in separate corners of the room

pass the spliff on though Tom next muggle corner people who keep the wristbands on from festivals and stuff

we've keep doing that we've thanks Gareth done this before but it's absolutely that's what you get

for not being a fan of the podcast Tom I know I watch it sporadically you watch it he just sits outside and looks through the window it's just not my

Gareth son sorry Gareth I love you it's not about how Gareth son Sorry Gareth I love you It's not about how much he loves me Gareth Don't worry about it It's totally that I mean You released a podcast

You said it was the last time I was on the road But not in my books Don't consider it Yeah If anything Gareth What do you think similar? See I do the thing is

I don't leave the wristbands on But I leave condoms on That's why my dick's so big you're up to 33 now it's like it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like

it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like the muggle corner look if you've already stood in the corner for 30 seconds have yourself another 30 seconds especially if they're still on your wrist that's definitely true if learning that you were a fucking muggle and you were like it's still cool though get back in I'm going to just put it out there that I keep my festival wristbands

in the bin and I do actually I keep them for like none on my body this is my second and last Muggle corner of the day, is posting a selfie with nothing in the background, just your face. Yeah.

You're not like, oh, he has me with such and such, or he has me in a landmark, or he has, like, this is what I'm doing right now. I'm just reminding you of my face. This is a portrait of your face. No, I wouldn't say that's too, like... Oh, that's not too bad. No, it's like, it's beyond Muggle, it's like, see, you shrink.

What do you think? You've got a mirror. You go in the mirror and there's your face, right? That's you and you. No. That's for yourself, right? Don't, like, post a screenshot of your mirror. I'd like to see Elliot argue this, though.

Go on. Yeah, go on. Like, it's just, you know, you could just put a picture up of yourself. You might be like, oh, I've got a good bit of light here. I'm looking all right. I'm going to put that up. I mean, you're just you're putting it further in the corner you might just be like oh okay i'll put that up on facebook and then uh if like any girls like it or something i'm just going to drop them a message slide into the dms yeah you might just

be using it as a way to you know get somewhere with someone like this is the saddest story I've ever heard oh yeah don't do it I've seen your face yeah for me it's just like it is a level of and I'm totally in it like

because my early Facebook photos like profile ones were like those I reckon if it's your profile photo actually that's probably necessary

to have a picture yeah because you want people to know what you look like when people put we've covered this in Muggle Corner I reckon if it's your profile photo actually that's probably necessary to have a picture yeah because you want people to know what you look like when people put we've covered this in Muggle Corner

when people put like the baby or the car and you're like no that's not you or a superhero character have you ever seen

someone do that like they'll have a lot of Iron Man there or something and you just think you're ugly you're not Iron Man you're fucking

pooing your nine sixes in seven years and you're just going to fly what about like professional head shots people do them it's different to a selfie against the wall You're not iron man You're fucking poor You've not had sex in seven years And you're just kind of flying What about like Professional headshots People who do them Oh

It's different to a selfie Against the wall I feel Yeah I feel That's sort of like Specific to like Our job and stuff Because obviously

We all get headshots But I still think That's a level of narcissism I think so Especially on Facebook Where it's like If it's for your You better be like you

If it's for your Facebook profile pic I think it's absolutely fine Because But if it's just And like you've just Put the phone up You're not using it Usually it's just and like you've just put the photo up you're not

using it it's just like here I am who gives a fuck like I just yeah I'm totally in

but you disagree it's a majority vote so you're still out do it now post a selfie go on take a selfie

go on do it on twitter though as well so people can go on and pin it pin the tweetier face. Pin the tweetiers.

Man, do you know what's funny? Because this is hilarious to us and everyone who listens to the podcast, but seeing the amount of communities that don't are just going to see

Elliot pin a tweet of his face and be like, fucking nice. What's your Twitter handle, Elliot? Elliot Steel Com. Spelled S-T-I-L-L.

Elliot Steel Com. Elliot two T's? NoI-L-L. Elliot Steel Com. Elliot two T's? No, one T. One T. Steel two E's. My final one. Com. Your bird is going straight in the corner, mate.

Muggles date Kai Humphries. No. Oh, I'm in. He's all gone in the corner, guys. Come back to the podcast. Muggles have those fucking light boxes like what are you

a fucking strip joint like what are you have you seen what she's got on at the minute as well oh yeah 40 seconds on 20 seconds off

leaning 15 like it's for me it's it's just it's a mantra it's just a worse vision board like you just come up with a new like you come up with a quote to yourself and you just go it's just to remind myself board like you just come up with a new like you come up with a quote to yourself

and you just go it's just to remind myself of the quote just remind yourself that's what your memory's for like because I've been I use your girlfriend's one because I hate it so much

and I do it to fuck with her I'll write horrible horrible things every time I come in it's always Bush to 9-11 and the P-box when you ate Prosecco sucks after the Prosecco tobacco let's not bring that back up

old wounds I just have you seen the thing yeah the light box Ricketts has got one Ricketts has got one

this is live girls he does this is live girls light box what's the lightbox so the lightbox is like it's funny because they're all dead

the lightbox is it's a box with like behind it but you get letters and you stick the letters and you stick it on and it just you put in your own

little quote with love hearts being like seize the day that's muggly that's really it's totally and it doesn't matter what you write

because you can write funny stuff on it like I have done but to buy one just I don't know but someone might get you one as a gift

you know what I mean I'd probably like I can imagine someone like buying me or someone in a family is quite distressed getting me one

yeah and you put live laugh love on it oh definitely if you did get one and you had to put it up, put it in the front room rather than your bedroom. Make it a thing that people could write stupid stuff on rather than to remind yourself.

Do you know what would be really, really fucking funny and awful? If you've got one beside your bed and it's just got the number 37 on it and you bring someone back and you have sex with them and when you're done you... LAUGHTER and then you bring someone back and you have sex with them and when you're done you... LAUGHTER Even if it's... And then put a six... LAUGHTER

Or you just have the number ten so you go in there and you just get the what's the the forward slash and then go put 6 slash 10 just

live rate them or have the number 10 right ask how old she is and when she tells you replace the 10 how old are you 21

oh no I scored catch him I get one now I know that I've done that that is fucking funny I mean it's awful it's awful it's like that if you heard

it's my dad's favourite joke it's such a shit shit joke guys walking past a fence just under the side of the fence you just hear someone

going 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 and you're like and you start to look over but it's a big fence

and he's like 37 37 37 37 37 37 37

37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37

37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37

37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37

37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 37 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 38 Good joke Martin So to go through all those muggle corners One last time Muggles have light boxes If you've got one

Write muggle in it and go stand in the corner Because that's what you fucking are You can like coffee, you can enjoy coffee But if you If you know different types of beans If it's your defining feature Fucking Hipster muggle

You're drinking bean juice it's bean juice warmed up bean juice you're fucking tromping and Elliot people who pin tweets

and people who put pictures up of smoking weed I'm absolutely there so I'm in the corner definitely pin a

tweet mine are empty alcohol bottles and festival bands repeat yeah

and mine is people that don't watch Game of Thrones cause dragons and stuff and also if you just post a selfie of your face

with nothing in the background seek help seek medical help because I'm going to knock you the fuck out right

now onto our favourite game your dad jokes we've gone for seven each yep so you do have to

specify whose dad it is about in this so Tom this works doubly for you Tom your dad refers to licking stamps as rimming the queen steal

Kai your dad got an ASBO for selling Noster teenagers in the park Elliot Your dad got an Asbo for selling Noster teenagers in the park. Elliot, your dad wears safety goggles when he's pulling Christmas crackers. Danny, your dad's banter on Facebook is so bad that people screen grab his post and send it to their mates on WhatsApp.

Kai, your dad won't take the tags off his socks in case they decrease in value. Danny, your dad drives a Prius when he plays GTA because he's worried about his carbon emission. He stops at traffic lights. Kai, your dad has names for all his toes. I kisses them goodnight. Whenever he puts his socks on, he's like, don't be scared, boys.

Elliot, your dad rode his clothes horse at the battle. Elliot, your dad rode his clothes horse in the battle. Tom, your dad's tongue's back to front. Too much rooming. Your dad throws them a can. Danny, your dad has a belly button ring it's one of those spaces it's like a belly button you can see right into his womb

hear the sound told me your dad got his race wet so he put in a bullfight iPhone Elliot your dad went to get tested for testicular cancer and when he found when he found a mole on his testicle and cried tears of happiness when the doctor told him

it was a chocolate button Danny your dad thinks he could have gone pro if it weren't for his knee injury as a singer Kai your dad owns sea monkeys Elliot your dad got porcupine needles in his nose from sniffing around the bunkhouse owns sea monkeys? He holds them.

Elliot, your dad got porcupine needles in his nose from sniffing around the bunk bush. Kai, your mum wouldn't let your dad have ice cream for breakfast so he ran away from home. He got all his belongings in a little fucking napkin through the middle of his shoulder.

Cold Samaritans. Tom, your dad went on hunger strike after your mum beat him at Monopoly. Kai, your dad ties his shoelaces twice just to make sure. Double knots. Andy, you should take that last place, son. That doesn't fall too far from the tree Blake's son. The apple doesn't fall

too far from the tree in this house. His dad doesn't wear Velcro shoes. He ties them up in his Velcro. Danny, your dad dismantles the dishwashers

and salvages them for parts so you can try and fix your mum. Elliot, your dad has been conditioned to be

a background character in the movie Gravity. Daddy, your dad tweeted, not my president, after you got beaten running for school council. Not my whole money back. Elliot, your dad gives himself hickeys

with the vacuum cleaner. Just to make your mum jealous. Checking out with Henry. Tom, your dad's scared of snakes and he's absolutely terrified of heights, so he's a blubbering wreck. Whenever he plays snakes and ladders... Snakes on a plane, hate it. Kai, your dad throws gang signs during sex. Snakes on a plane, hating it. Jesus Christ.

It's torture. Kai, your dad throws gang signs during sex. He's so rude. Kai, your dad marked himself safe during the Berlin attacks. He's never lived in Blythe. in a taxi where he lives in Blythe. Danny, your dad has a framed plaque that says he has great password strength. Elliot, your dad sleeps with the duvet buttons by his chin. What a fucking animal.

He's a monster. Alright, lovely. Can I share one of Ricketts' that he did on New Year's Eve night? It was a brilliant one. It wasn't the one that you... Because your dad's a dinner lady. Aye. That was a good one.

This is one of Ricketts' from New Year's Eve. Your dad writes Hammer Time on stuff signs. Do you boys have anything to plug tune in tonight at 10 o'clock to watch me be rapey with a lady well to do both convenience

you've just done a civil run and you're off to I'm going to be in Australia we've got listeners in Australia I've seen the back door of the podcast

you hate when I call it the back door I do you know the stats on the thing got quite a few

people in Australia I'm going to be in Perth for a month starting on the 19th of this month and then Adelaide for a month then Melbourne

for a month and you're taking over the the world eh you're taking over the Thursday podcasts I'll do the

Monday ones and then we'll meet back up in Melbourne I'm in Washington for Trump's inauguration yeah especially for that aye I'm genuinely going to turn up

with the laser pointer like I've said I'm going to cut the jungle just see if I can get him to go off stage you start pointing the laser pointer and everybody's hair starts chasing him like a catapult in a penny

alright apart from that we'll be back thanks for listening and fucking whatever cunts bye