Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.26 Worst Man

Episode Date: January 23, 2017

Cream carries the poddy yet again with his rap nemisis, Eric Lampaert, bringing his vocal beauty to your ears as special guest in luie of the absent (minded) Muggins who is down under, fucking up his own attempts at creating soundwaves.  

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental red job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? What is up, fuckers?

It's Cream here. Muggins is, I think, in Australia, and he didn't do a podcast for you, so I am pulling my finger out and saving his ass. Yeah, again. But I do have a guest with me. It's Eric Lampere. Hello.

Yay. Now, this will be an interesting podcast, because normally podcasts just mean Kai being horrible to each other And the fans think we hate each other Little do they know how much we hate each other If you thought it might mean Kai hate each other Welcome to the deep end People gather

When we get together in Edinburgh People gather to see us hate each other Yeah In fact we are known on the circuit for for having maybe the best rap battle yes yes you've got a fantastic rap battle i do believe you you win i did win i'm gonna say that you win but that's because i'm an easier target you are for people listening well i don't know if i'm an idiot but i do have a face I didn't say idiot, I said hideous oh right, well clearly I'm an idiot

I didn't even understand what you said oh words are very difficult so yeah we did a rap battle, was it three festivals ago? yeah and it was a battle rap which you dragged me into, I didn't want to do it because I know how vicious

i can be and i warned you um you know of my viciousness but you still went ahead but i liked it yeah it was great fun it's it's a comedy show like i'm not gonna get butthurt by what you said in fact in fact if if people google you know like if you type in daniel sloss i recommend one thing that annoys me yeah one thing that annoys me is that the audience get involved. So the audience at one moment says something like

Seabiscuit. Go on Seabiscuit. I've got very large gums like a horse. And in my head I was like Daniel made better jokes. And also I did say

I used Seabiscuit in one of my raps. Like he literally just quotes it back. And also the guy a comedian called Ro Campbell who was filming

the whole thing just has the most annoying laugh in the video like it's just all the way through it was a great fucking battle rap it was very fun and we went properly uh no holds barred uh because you and your missus at the time had just broken up so i obviously went straight right it was absolutely you were absolutely right to go for it but uh this could also bring us on to you are now um happily married and one of the reasons uh that you may not be my biggest fan of the world is because someone let's call him me hypothetically utter idiot i already know what you're gonna say you're

fucking so stupid i was made best man for you. Or one of the best men. Okay, so basically, Daniel, I sort of like him, I guess. I made him best man and I said, here are the dates for the wedding. And this fucking stupid cunt, she doesn't know how a calendar works. I got the wrong dates for the wedding and I didn't show up. Oh, you can get the right dates for Conan. Oh, Conan.

Oh, yes, please, Conan. Yes, please. Yeah, well, maybe your wedding should start offering a fee. That's where you've fallen short, can't it? Well, you know what? Joel Domet comedian came. Did he?

At least I had one amazing comedian. Yeah, but he wasn't as famous as he is now. Before then, nobody knew he masturbated. But now... Now, my goodness. That's a very interesting question to ask. Because you are one of Joel's friends. Yeah.

One of his oldest friends. Have you watched the video? Of... Oh, no, I haven't. Have you not? No. Do you want to watch it now? We'll watch it later.

I am... He told me straight away about it See I He Told me earlier on In the Should we explain for those That don't know For those of you that don't know

Joel Dama is the Ridiculously fucking handsome And hilarious Handsome and lovely So nice This is what I hate about him He's so nice He's the

It's not like with us Genuinely It's like we're cunts. You deserve death, for example. Yes. When you die, people aren't going to be surprised. People will be like, Daniel Sloss died. Oh, yeah.

Was it booze, drugs, or did someone kill him? Which one of the three obvious ones? Someone religious from America, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did Eric finally snap? But yeah, Joel is so lovely. But he's also... He's a buffoon.

He's such a buffoon. And he was catfished. And then the video... Basically, he masturbated on Skype to someone. And then she tried to blackmail him. And then Joel did what I think is the best response to that of he just wrote a show about it and was like this is going to cut and he absolutely owned it. I think the

only thing, first of all, lovely dick. Joel Dormer. I imagine he does. He does have a very aesthetically pleasing dick. I'm not, like I'm not gay but like I don't even need to just, pretty dick, I'd suck it. I don't think he'd let me. I don't think I would I don't think need to just i pretty dick i'd suck it uh i don't think he'd let me i don't think i would

i don't think i didn't get involved with his penis but me and joel have snogged have you yeah when we were both single uh we brought back i'm just very lonely uh no when we were single we brought two girls back to my place and we did the typical thing of like if you two girls kiss we'll kiss okay you did the American Pie thing yeah like just you kiss

and we'll kiss no boys we don't want to kiss oh fine we'll start kissing anyway and if you want to join no boys we're leaving

our taxis okay we'll take our shirts off too well maybe we did do the American Pie thing but ultimately, relations happened. We both became

successful in the boudoir area. Is that French for bottom? Because you're French as fuck. I'm so... I'm as French as you are English. How dare you! So people who are listening to this going, I really like Daniel because he's a Scottish I'm as French as you are English How dare you Literally go fucking sorry

So people who are listening to this Going oh I really like Daniel Because he's a Scottish pal He is born in Surrey, England You need to know this Before you're like Oh Scottish comedian Daniel Sloss It's not something I hide

But one of the worst things was For years and years and years My dad told me Because I was born in England In Kingston-on-Thames Moved up to Scotland when I was four My family are Scottish I live in Scotland I ownotland in our house in scotland i've always identified as as scott scott because it's where i'm from my dad always told me a phrase

which i loved was at a use for years which was just because a horse is born in a sty doesn't make it a pig and then i found out three years ago that that is a bernard manning quote and when you notice that you go like oh you didn't mean it about me did you like now that now that line has very different meanings three years i've been quoting just one of the most racist things just because they're born here doesn't make them one and i'm like oh i i love that i love that you were born in england and you moved to scotland and you identify as Scottish. I was born in France, lived in the UK most of my life,

and I'm still like, I'm French. We both are like, oh, let's just not get involved in that country. Yeah. Let's Brexit ourselves. But you touched it last. No, I touched England last. Fuck, I guess.

You touched England last. I've not been to England since Edinburgh. August. I was in London last week doing a comedy story and it was bloody lovely and this is perfect, you and I are out in Washington DC at the moment doing comedy clubs at the

Draft House Comedy Theatre, should we have any listeners, we are doing two shows on Saturday, which will be the last ones you can see and today we went to Today we made America great again. We went to Trump's inauguration and we wanted to go in as

neutral as possible. Like, obviously you and I don't agree or support Trump, but we... It was actually eye-opening. But not in a good way. No, there was elements to it that I enjoyed. In that, I went there thinking, oh, But not in a good way. There was elements to it that I enjoyed. I went there thinking, oh, this is going to be a mess.

They are ridiculous. You know, like the stereotypical Trump people. All the Trump people that I spoke to were genuinely lovely. Yeah, we met a mother and her daughter and we were talking to them and we were just genuinely out of curiosity why trump over hillary and the mother's answer was because i've read eight books on hillary yeah and i'm like i've not read any of those books but i'm interested in reading them and i've heard a lot of shit about clinton yeah so it was interesting and one of the nice bits as well though uh for us is because you always assume that all Trump supporters are racist and stupid. When the Obamas were on the big screen, like 90% of that crowd cheered.

And Trump supporters included. There were some boos from the very far right Trump supporters. But most Trump supporters... Most people cheered. Most people cheered. It was when... It was Clinton. When Hillary was on.

Like, it was like WWE. It was like fucking Pantel. It was. Boo. Boo. Oh, my God. Everyone, even, I think, Democrats, were like, you know what?

You fuck this over, you prick. Totally. People who were booing Trump were also booing Clinton. I kind of felt bad as well for her. She looked like this little hurt bird. Of course she's hurt. She was vastly overqualified than the prick

that got the job. Understand that we don't... You live in America, but we don't get to vote here. If you're a Trump supporter listening to this, bold by making it this far in all the podcasts in general, but there is just that thing of yeah she did some

evil shit but like i'm interested in seeing how he's gonna do it um we've had to move we were going to be doing the comedy club in dc tonight and we've now had to move to the comedy club in arlington about five miles away because of the riots and the protests going on in the street. Which is, despite the dangers that are going on, pretty fucking cool. It's fucking hilarious. I mean, we said yesterday what we really wanted out of this weekend

was to check in on Facebook. Just to show to our friends. Can I also just say, he said, jobs for Americans and products by Americans. And we bought those iconic Trump red hats. The Make America Great Again hats, of course. Oh, where are they made?

In Philippines. Yeah, and the other one's made in China. One of my favourite moments, and this was again, and this is just because I'm a dick, but I love being dicks and i love seeing dicks but there were about 50 protesters just all grouped together in the inauguration bit and they were all chanting at one point no my president no my president no and there was just one i don't even he might not have even been a trump supporter but he was clearly just a dick and his every time they chanted it he was like but he is though but he he is that's that's what the whole ceremony is for like if you weren't chanting and you were

listening to what's going on you'd understand that right now he's being made your president it's just the most sarcastic childish reaction to people's anger he's not wrong he's not wrong and i was giggling like a little girl being like, that's fucking funny. The music choices were hysterical. So there was obviously the stereotypical one, the one that he's used quite a lot, the Rolling Stones. You can't always get what you want. Which is hilarious.

Hilarious. There was also Frank Sinatra's, again, I liked it. I did it my way. But the best one which was Celine Dion's Titanic song and we were like oh this is

a sinking ship it was at the end of the inauguration as well it was just every night in my dreams you're like no way who is the genius that is doing this fucking playlist oh i hope it's him you know staying up at 3 a.m just going oh this will get the ratings up yeah

this this will annoy them um his speech though from what we heard very written down oh so written it didn't sound like him it didn't sound like know, like the joy that he has and goes, you know, like the different tempos and different speed and different volumes that he normally speaks at. This was just a I wrote this because I don't want to fuck this up kind of speech. If we

can see more of that, if he does it. If he gets more presidential, I think, despite whatever I don't like about the man, if he gets more and more presidential, even as someone who dislikes him, that is a good thing. Unless it's all tactical.

Maybe if he's just more presidential. I mean, look at how good Obama's run was in our eyes, but still Obama did all a bunch of pretty shitty shit. Right, but I think every single leader has to. I struggle with that element but what i'm saying is because obama was good and he still had to do evil like how much evil is trump gonna do like if obama still had had to do evil like you're not twisting trump's arm to bomb some fucking shepherds no i'm i'm i'm looking up i'm actually quite positive but what i am upset about

is that it's day one of Trump's presidency. And already in the White House website, he's taken down the climate change website, the LGBT bit of the website, and also the civil rights bit of the website. Oh, Jesus. That's already off the White House website. And that, I'm like, that's not a good sign. Yeah, it's a little bit concerning. So that's the sad bit.

It was so funny because we went in with a positive attitude because we thought it was going to be a party. We did. I thought it was going to be like... Because the Obama one was... We were talking to people who'd been to the Obama one and they were like, the Obama one was a proper party. Like, all the protesters were outside.

And also... It was quadruple the amount of people as well. Quadruple the amount of people. Like, it was dead at the party. We were only about three sort of fields back, and it was empty. It was pretty empty. There was no congestion. But also, I just thought Trump people would be like, Trump, there's a party!

And it was just ultimately a bit sad sad because it wasn't fully Trump anyway. A lot of it was protesters. It was just sad. Yeah, it was very, like, I genuinely just got demure. Is demure the right word? What? Is demure the right word? Maybe.

Oh, just a bit sad. Like, I was expecting to be able to make fun all day or enjoy it a little bit. That's because you realise that these people are in power. As soon as they start talking about Jesus, I was like, this is scary. This is insane. And nobody laughed at the bit where the priest guy was like, we ask you, God, to impart wisdom unto this president. He's like, that's what we've been praying for for two years, cunt.

Like, that's not exclusive to today. I would be very interested to go back to Obama's inauguration and see if that line was also in there. Oh, right. Interesting, yeah. Because I don't think it was. It feels like he's going, please, God. Please, God.

I mean, you know, you exist. In my eyes, you exist. So please make this happen. Could you just put some more brain cells up there, please? Okay, anyway. Yeah. Let's eyes, you exist. So please make this happen. Could you just put some more brain cells up there, please? Okay, anyway. Let's move on from Trump. We can move on.

So you've not only not been on the podcast before, Eric Lamper. But I'm aware of the medium of podcasts. You are. I've done many. But you've not even listened to our podcast. I kind of don't care. That is the right attitude to have. I'm glad that you're doing well.

You seem to be doing very well in your career, Daniel. But ultimately, I've told you I don't care. And you know this. Yeah. Is that why you worked to come into Washington, to support me? I did want your career to do really well in America, so I could keep supporting you but also it's fine

you know like we'll start off with because you've not listened to the book I'm interested to see how well you pick it up so the first one we'll do is Muggle Corner now for first time listeners if there are any explain this every goddamn fucking week

Muggles is a term in the harry potter books to refer to non-magic magic people but it's a derogatory derogatory term that me and kai have started to use for people in the public and muggles are not bad people they're just a bit shit at being people they're just they're not necessarily stupid but it's just very plain now we're all very guilty of muggly things ourselves. It doesn't make you a muggle, but we acknowledge the muggle things we all do. And if you are guilty of it, you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds. And to even prove, one of my muggle corners is I'm absolutely definitely in the corner for at least 30 seconds for it.

So we'll debate it together. If we both agree it's muggly it goes in the corner uh my first one the one that i'm absolutely guilty of uh muggles get excited uh when they get to open a new sponge for the sink in the kitchen that and it's totally muggly and i'm in the corner straight away what a treat though isn't it what a treat the thing is a new sponge isn't that exciting but an old sponge that makes your hands stink oh and the place and it's all it's all coming off it's like a fucking homeless dogs look like just pelt and it's just the thing is you've had a home for quite a while right you've had your own home for a while i uh so i've i've been on tour

and living out of people's houses and stuff for quite a few years only this year uh well 2016 have i finally had a somewhere i can call home with my wife and so i'm now starting to enjoy little things like that like you know just uh having to buy more sponges which seems like a weird thing to enjoy but because i used to live on fucking sofas i when as soon as you said that i was like i kind of enjoy it i don't i don't think i i don't think i relish in the joy you don't live for it but it is something that puts a little like the first five minutes of that washing dishes there's a big smile on your face like oh it's a good one too another one for me was um and this is so are we moving on already from this no no no this is we we can we can branch out from this and we'll go back no no another one sorry not another muggle

corner but another of that ilk i remember buying a spice rack from amazon right it was only about 9.99 right bought from amazon right was that with the with the spices you should have seen the look of it i just thought it was a spice rack er I just thought it was a spice rack Eric Just thought it was a spice rack And then the fucker turned up With 36 spices That's fantastic Like a bargain in it 36 spices

Right You couldn't get that How long were those spices in there for? Maybe it was only 26 How long have they been there? There's some of the ones See I like my spices fresh Oh no

They could have been in there for a year In a factory in a sort of Indiana Jones-style warehouse. Yeah, but they're the dried spices. I don't know. There's still something about... This is a bit more fresh, mate. But you're a foodie, though, aren't you? You do that weird thing of eating with your fingers. Yeah, what else do you eat with?

Knife and fork. A, you're creating more washing up. B, I fucking hate people that judge me because I eat my hands. I don't judge you, I'm just bringing it up because you and me went to... But not just you, but people just always, oh, stop eating with your hands.

It's like a steak and stuff. Do you eat steak with your hands? Do you eat steak with your hands? Well, A, yes, right? Because, not all the time but i i went to a restaurant where it was um the waiters were blind and it's called uh dans le noir in the dark uh it's one in london i think there's maybe a couple more in the world and the ways are blind and therefore the the people that visit get the same experience where everything is in the dark you will You'll put your hand right in front of your face

and you won't see your hand. And so you learn how to enjoy food. So the portions are a lot smaller because you take a lot longer to eat it. Because you're enjoying the texture and the flavours and the smells. Because you start taking a lot longer. Do you not miss the plate? No, no, because the thing is you don't use cutlery

because you obviously don't know where you're pointing your fork at. So you don't use cutlery? No, you can. The cutlery's there, you obviously don't know where you're pointing your fork at. So you don't use cutlery? No, you can. The cutlery's there, but people don't know where they're sticking their fork in because you can't see anything. And so a lot of people choose to use their hands. And one of the great things about this restaurant is that not only do you enjoy the taste, but you're starting to learn texture. And also, nobody can see what a grimy little fuck you are while you're shuffling this couscous into your mouth i eat couscous with my fingers do what okay just what are hands mate what are hands they're just cutlery already attached not just cutlery it's

cutlery already attached wash your hands done yeah but i don't wank with a fork that i do that i do like yeah fair enough that you go oh yeah you can eat but i do know where these hands have been and even though i wash them thoroughly like i don't realize how much i just touch my balls in general like it's not until i'm sitting down on the couch with jean and she's like are you playing with your balls and i'm like oh yeah yeah i guess i am no idea it's been done girls'm sitting down on the couch with Jean And she's like are you playing with your balls And I'm like oh yeah Yeah I guess I am No idea it's been done Girls don't do that

I don't think the average is randomly dipped Yeah but does it affect the taste that much I don't know I don't think it affects the taste that much Today you said don't touch my rice What did I do straight away I put my hand straight in your rice And I ate it without giving a shit

Right and I'm pretty sure I touched my bum Like ten minutes before. Well, I didn't know that. That was something that was left out until this moment. Right, okay. But did you taste the bum? Well, probably. No, you didn't.

Not once did you taste it and go, oh, I think there's a bit of bum on here. Well, now that I think about it, it was a butter curry, but it did come out quite spicy. Now that you've given me this new bit of bum on here well now that i think about it it was a butter curry but it did come out quite spicy now that you've given me this new bit of information now i'm like i'm my the thing is i don't know what poo thing is i probably do know what poo tastes like i just don't know it's poo i've probably at times tasted things i mean in fact i've licked bum holes yeah i've licked bum holes yeah yeah i'm a big fan of the old bumlicking.

And the thing is, right, we get constantly pooed in anyway. What? Okay, round one for some science. You sleep with your mouth open, so, like, insects, animals, they all...

Please keep going. No, but because I sleep with my mouth open And so do you Creepy that you know that Because we've been sleeping in the same bed for the last two days While we're sleeping together could you please sleep During that time and not watch me That's why I've been so tired today

I stare and shit in your mouth But you know little tiny bacterium And stuff They shit in the mouth That's, you know, little tiny bacterium and stuff, they shit in the mouth. That's why you get bad breath, isn't it? Because you get bits of food stuck in your teeth or whatever, and then the bacteria sort of eats away at it,

and then they create, essentially, effluvia. Not effluvia, but they create sort of shit. Yeah, but it's not poop. It's poop! It's a type of poop! But it's not direct poop. I think it's direct poop. If you enough of that bacteria poop and in one mass it will create like the same amount of mass that we make i still i didn't know you were fingering your bum hole and then fingering my rice that was new information always learning do you have anything now just before we move on to your one

do you have anything like that like the little things the little stupid things that you get excited by like see me i like see new socks so like okay i hate getting socks for christmas and then i go so but i've said on the podcast before but getting new socks putting them on for the first time oh it's like putting your foot in a vagina it's just oh just an angel's vagina you actually put your foot in a vagina it's just an angel's vagina have you actually put your foot in a vagina? I've put my big toe in one once just to see what it was like how was it for both parties? it's awkward

a little bit awkward because I felt okay my big toe is warmer which I enjoyed actually quite enjoyed and she was enjoying it because it's bigger than your dick well I do have a 12 inch toe which I enjoyed, actually quite enjoyed. And she was enjoying it because it's bigger than your dick. Well, I do have a 12-inch toe, so yes. Some of my favourite old lines,

my dick may only be six inches long, but it smells like a foot. That's good. Yeah, little joys that I get Is when you buy something New That's Wrapped in I think it's called cellophane You know the stuff That's tightly wrapped

And normally you need To get some scissors Or maybe a knife To get into it But sometimes you can Use your hand To pick at it If you successfully

Do it with your hand That feels good That's a little Because I sometimes Try it with my hand And if it's too hard I then go Alright I'll get a knife

But if I can successfully Do it with my hand It's if it's too hard, I then go, all right, I'll get a knife. But if I can successfully do it with my hand... It's a minor victory, yeah. Yeah. You beat the system. Yeah. I'll give you that one. But you'll agree with this one that muggles get excited by new sponges for the... Because it's not a bad thing, but it's just...

But how excited? Is someone going, yes, finally, a new sponge! Or is someone going, oh, this this is really nice because there's a difference i yeah but i still think muggles what is on the ends it's still so even like even like a tiny oh like i know i know the smile everyone does when it happens because i do it every time and every time i catch myself see what i'm washing a plate with the new sponge and the new plate is also shiny and i see the smile on my face at how happy i am i'm like oh there's a fucking muggle right And every time I catch myself, see what I'm washing a plate with the new sponge and the new plate is also shiny. And I see the smile on my face at how happy I am.

I'm like, oh, there's a fucking muggle. Right. You're a muggle. But I don't think I smile with it. It still brings me joy, but I don't think I smile. Okay. Right. Well, maybe.

Okay. But I agree. It should be in muggle corner. Well, there you go. 30 seconds. What is your first suggestion? I fucking hate with a passion to almost to the point that I'm tempted to kill them people that stand on the moving

walkways at airports you know the travelators why are you standing it's supposed to facilitate your travel from one end to the other when they're standing there they're blocking my path and people that are using it properly but also

you know like if there was a moving walkway blocking my path and people that are using it properly, but also, you know, if there was a moving walkway through the jungle and you could stand there and you're seeing things. Oh, look at Toucan. Oh, look at Panther. Oh, look at these.

If you're standing still, you're just watching people walking over, taking you. Right. There's nothing to see at the airport. I fucking hate those. Unless you are disabled or old, you have no right

I'll forgive you If you're standing on the right If you're not inhibiting my movement You live your life No No I don't agree Do you run up escalators Yeah sometimes I do

Do you ever stand on the elevator Escalator Do you run around in circles in an elevator Do you ever stand On the elevator Escalator Right but that's different Do you run around In circles in an elevator That's very different Because an elevator The steps up

Is actually hard work If you're going Like the Angel elevator Is the longest elevator On the London Underground Right If you are going to be Walking up that

By the end You've done a fucking workout Yeah But walking from One end of the terminal To the other end of the terminal You were going to walk anyway if it didn't exist and now you get the joy of walking at the same speed but feeling like you're flash yeah because you get you're walking at the same speed and yet everything is moving so fast so there's a lot more joy in i do i do love

it one of the things i do the main problem i have with those I wish you were I love walking up Down escalators And walking back But it's just because It's so public You just There's never a chance You're allowed to do it

You know the travelators In the fucking old Gladiators TV show Right I've always wanted to do One of those But just do it Like in the London Underground

Or something Well just fuck everyone off Yeah just chill You know It's 24 hours soon Well it's gonna be It's gonna be easy It's already 24 hours Yeah There we chilling. It's 24 hours soon. Well, it's going to be easy. It's already 24 hours.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's apparently a bit safer because now not all the drunks are on the same tube

because... Right. I just, I don't understand. I understand what you say about like, look, if they stand on one side

of the elevator, it's their life. They can do whatever they want. Yeah. But the thing is, they could walk faster and get to a coffee shop or McDonald's or whatever they want to eat. But there's absolutely no joy in staying there, right?

And it's not like we're saying, can you please run? We're just asking you to walk. Yeah, just do what you would be doing anyway if this thing wasn't here. If this didn't exist, you'd have to walk far. And we're helping you to not walk as far and you're you're now then taking longer because if you walk if you're not on the walkway it was there to speed you up and you're now making it

no you're getting slower slowed it down you've slowed the whole process down and most of those cunts if i may uh no we don't Swearing on this podcast We'll always Always not stand On the right side They'll always have like Stupid Oh the bags Kids Right with bags

And stuff And they'll just They'll take the whole thing And then I have to look Like a cunt by going Maybe it's because Your cough is so French As well

I just I hate having to Say Excuse me Can you be a decent person Yeah And move out Of my fucking way which it will. I hate having to say, excuse me, can you be a decent person and move out of my fucking way? The guy gets annoyed at how angry I get in airports

when people are in front. He's like, just slow down. And I'm like, no, because I'm not. You're slowing me down. Now I'm slowing people down behind me. And I don't like, if you're slowing down

anyone else's movement at any point when it's in your ability to not, you're a prick. Yeah. Be aware of other people. I think just like a motorway or a freeway if you're American or an autobahn if you're German, I think that pedestrian walkways, pavements and sidewalks and stuff, they should have lanes. Oh, I totally do. Fast lanes.

You should have a fast lane totally do fast lanes fast lane a medium lane and then like the the cunt lane yeah well if you're too slow you just get in that lane yeah i i told yeah i would love love that like speed down this like there's a like an old person people with kids families uh or just not in a rush tourist lane where you can walk at your own pace listening to music then you've got a middle lane which is for you've got somewhere to be

but it's two of you you're still walking and talking whatever right lane no eye contact no talking you fucking

on you go cunt that sounds so nice oh Trump's America Trump's America maybe I nearly spewed before saying that not intentionally but I nearly spewed before saying Trump's America. Trump's America. Maybe. I nearly spewed before saying that. Not intentionally, but I nearly spewed before saying Trump's America.

Yeah, I'll totally agree with you. Because, yeah, if you do not move on the walk, unless you have a valid excuse. But you know, I'm not saying elevator, because elevator is an actual exercise. But it's the fact that we are facilitating your walking by allowing you to just continue walking faster. It's a lot more fun and you're choosing to become slower yeah it makes no sense it'd be like buying a car and then cutting the bottom out of it and driving like the flintstones cars it's exactly that we gave you the ability to go faster and now you're in the fast lane on the

motorway you have to push it yourself so you're slower than walking fully agreed uh cool uh my next one now this is mine is my totally muggle corner absolutely uh 30 seconds in the corner for anyone that does that unless they have a valid excuse oh i i agree with the excuse one yeah um muggles and i'm gonna sell a lot of comedians down the river here but i don't give a fuck muggles do polls I'm going to sell a lot of comedians down the river here, but I don't give a fuck. Muggles do polls on Twitter. Oh, okay. Because it's Twitter. It's already an inaccurate poll. No poll you do ever on Twitter will be accurate

because you are only asking people on Twitter. That already agrees. Yeah, people that follow you. Because no one's going to retweet. Generally, no one's going to retweet, generally no one's going to retweet a poll tweet. Yeah. So then you can't get

strangers' views on it. Yeah. But I will disagree with you to a certain extent. I did it once to find out something about a superhero. I think it was something

along the lines of I just wanted to know who would win in a fight and I think it was like Hulk, Thor, Superman. I can't remember another one. Right? And I think I put other to know who would win in a fight. And I think it was like Hulk, Thor, Superman. I can't remember another one. Right? And I think I put other to see.

And I just wanted to see what people thought. Okay. Okay. That was... Okay. I will maybe give an allowance for those ones because that is a natural open debate. I'm talking about the fucking comedian's polls. Like, is this thing the best thing ever?

Yes. Obviously, yes. Or I'm an idiot. You idiot you're like oh that joke that was done four years ago okay so like the the polls that are meant to be jokes and not actual surveys oh it's just a it's the second that that joke happened four years ago for the first time when the polls came out and it was funny then and then ever since then it's drained to every ounce of respect out of me for any con and i by the way i'll be in the corner i know i've done at least two right i've definitely done two and but i felt dirty afterwards i was like this is pretty funny and then when you get like like two retweets and only 100 people take part in the poll i got like 40 000 twitter followers

100 people took part wow you got 100 yeah that's amazing was it just you and you i have to keep retweeting my own tweet like over like seven days to get 100 wow and even like because i feel like as well i hate when companies corporate companies try and like do memes for the public and stuff i just wouldn't see when they try to relate to the public it's like you don't pay taxes so can you stop pretending you're one of us please like don't be like what would you like to see nothing shut up nothing nothing oh do you mean so do you mean they're sponsored ones yeah sponsored ones when starbucks is like what would you like to see this pump like this see? This Halloween pumpkin spice latte? Pumpkin and spread?

Shut up. Shut up. Right. Like, you have stores where you can do this. You have stores where people are buying the thing. Because, again, you are now getting an inaccurate representation. Because I don't even go to Starbucks. I've answered those things.

Yeah, but I don't think that's fair. When I go to Edinburgh, I don't want to keep seeing your fucking face on the side of a bus while I'm walking I'm walking, I just want to have a lovely walk and then, oh, oh, Daniel Sloss so? That was your last show, wasn't it? So? I don't care I didn't say it like that, but yeah So, everybody

I don't care, I don't want to see your face I went on a date once in Edinburgh during the festival and the girl had no idea who I was, which I enjoy I prefer when they don't know me because then I know they don't have an agenda I find it very hard to have sex with a woman who respects me

like if they're a fan I'm like, something's wrong with you so she didn't know who I was and she was like so are you quite big? and I was like um, like ish, like inotland maybe and then just then the bus pulled up outside wagamamas and stopped there and she didn't look and i kept being like uh like look at she just she was reading the menu but i couldn't be like because the worst

thing i could have done there was like hey hey hey look look it's me. Right, right, right. Just had to sit, and she totally missed it. How did it go? Oh, we banged. Oh, nice. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Great. It was very nice sex.

Consensual. Three positions. You know, good. Did you taste the anus? I don't think I did taste the anus. Because it was only... I feel like you can't taste the anus on a first date. Like, the first time you...

Oh, I think it depends. Really? Yeah oh i think it depends really yeah i think it depends if like if you know it's going to be like look we're never going to hang out again but let's just end this date yeah but can i taste your farts yeah oh well not one of uh someone that i just like someone that follows my wife on on instagram um my wife i don't know how i've done it is both intelligent and fucking hot oh yeah yeah, and by the way, I can vouch for this. Normally in the podcast we talk about, like, obviously Kai is disgustingly ugly, and

his girlfriend is a vision. Natalie's beautiful, she's smart, she's funny, but the degree's quite far. But the degree between you and your wife is... Even I'm surprised. Like, I'm like, I'm surprised like I'm like I'm punching way above my weight

yeah she is an actual model she's an actual model and someone once messaged her saying I will gladly rub my balls on broken glass

just to taste one of your farts and I was like that is that is way more romantic than what I've ever said yeah you were like can I borrow those for my house because And I was like, that is way more romantic than what I've ever said. You were like, can I borrow those for my vows?

This man's put into words. Oh, how would you know what we did for my vows? How would you know? As I've said before, I'll be there for your second wedding. Oh, that's so nice. You know, the fact, the more I feel this one now is just a bit too vague. I think I'm going to have to narrow it down to joke polls on Twitter. Because maybe there are times when the polls are necessary.

But joke polls, I'm just, I'm over them. I'm done with them. Agreed. Yeah. I think polls are quite useful, even if it's just to your target market. I think that they are actually quite useful to find out something. Yeah. You know?

Like, I still would like to know if whoever's listening to this, let me know on Twitter, includes Daniel on it, like, who is stronger, Hulk, Thor, or Superman, or other? Hulk. You think Hulk? Well, there was a cartoon called Hulk v. Thor, where Hulk basically punched Thor literally through a mountain, like all the way through, just kept punching him until he was through the mountain.

But Hulk is not strong enough to lift up Mjolnir because that's based on sort of nobility and worthiness. I think in the end Thor actually might have won that, but Hulk's a pretty fucking big guy. And Hulk in Planet Hulk went to another planet and beat up a bunch of fucking aliens there. So I'm just like, Hulk can't be killed. They dropped a bomb on him once,

like an A-bomb in the middle of the ocean, and he survived. Right, but then when he was in a cave with Liv Tyler and he knocked his head on the wall, he went, oh. Oh, yeah, that was a weird thing. I fucking hate that. I totally forgot about that.

I hate that with a passion. Hey, that's a muggle. I fucking hate that. I totally forgot about that. I hate that with a passion. That's a muggle. Get in the fucking corner, Bruce Banner. I hate that. He was getting shot in the face by helicopters. Going, oh, it hurts, but I'm Hulk. And then half an hour later, oh. Yeah, like he stubs his toe on the table and starts shouting at the table.

Ah, you fucking table, you bastard. I told Liv I didn't want it there. I told her it was a dangerous part of the room to put it in. I said I wanted it over there. Wouldn't have stopped and told her if it was over there, but she put it in this part of the bloody fucking cave. Bitch. I didn't realise how dumbass that thing was.

So dumb. There was also the other bit, one of the many, many problems in the Superman v. Batman movie is the bit where he's got the kryptonite spear and he's like gonna kill the guy you don't have to fly

throw it oh yeah that was the one problem in that fucking film I said one of the many problems I don't even want to talk about that I think we could do an entire podcast about how awful that movie was. What is your second muckle corner?

Second muckle corner, people that involve me in group texts with annoying people. And the annoying people are the ones that ask constant questions of things that they could Google. Yep. And it's like, oh, let's all meet up.

Where's the show? Where is it? What time? What what day and just all of that and and then i have to feel bad for going guys can you just not involve me in the group text yeah because i don't care just tell me just yeah you yeah clearly this group text is for people that are unable of gathering information themselves all of you decide on the day once you've decided go eric are you free that day yes i'm coming no i'm not coming because ultimately i don't care i want to hang out with friends so i don't care what happens you sort it out stop involving me in these fucking annoying questions it's like at least with facebook right you know when facebook you

you have group messages you can leave those you can leave you can even know facebook is a snitch and says eric has left the conversation. Don't make me look like a dick. I just don't want to get involved with the preparation of constant questions. Is it 750 or 751? It would be funny if when you left a Facebook chat, if Facebook just did a little animation of a door slamming. Eric has left the group.

Well, you could just leave a gif before. Yeah, slamming door. If you really want to make a scene. I'm a big fan of group texts. I've got a bunch of groups. Ah, but that's because you... This is why I said group texts with annoying cunts. Ah, with annoying...

Yeah, with muggles, essentially. Essentially with muggles. Yeah, you're saying... Yeah, if you... But what this is, is we're not criticizing the muggles here. What you're saying yeah if you but but what this is is we're not criticizing the muggles here what you're saying is you were a muggle if you bring other people into like people that are just so annoying the fact that you've forced me to interact with muggles now and be aware of their day by proxy makes you a bit of just annoying like you know

like group emails there's a reply and there's reply all yeah reply all if it benefits everybody reply to the person that started the thread if you just want to know something that we already know yeah reply if it's a simple question that you could have fucking googled yeah or reply all if it's like hey guys i can't wait to see all of you here's a picture of my dick like that'll be maybe not that yeah and then everyone else leaves the group but you know i mean like you are involved in group text with comics and you constantly out comedy each other yes and it's just fucking hilarious you don't then go guys yeah admin i just hate people that involve me in their fucking admin yeah yeah i have so much shit to do because I'm a big fan of organisation stuff

I'm very good at organising things but my thing is I organised your stag do which was a great stag do and what happens after a stag do it's a wedding isn't it please don't talk to me about organisation you are one of the worst people I know

stag do was amazing thank you very much of the worst people I know. Yeah, it was bad. Stag do was amazing, though. Stag do. Thank you very much. Yeah, and the worst part about your Stag do was the day Robin Williams died. Yeah, again, organization-wise, you could have said, hey, guys, this is Eric Stag do. Maybe no one mentioned it to him because I know that he loves Robin. But instead you went, everybody, everybody, Robin's dead. I didn't say it with a joyous grin on my face.

The reason I said it, it was because my mom sent me the news. And I'm like, it with a joyous grin on my face. The reason I said it was because my mum sent me the news and I'm like, it's a party full of comics. All comics are on the phones at all points. Everyone's going to get the news. I'm like, either I can let this bleed out slowly throughout the thing, or I can just rip off the band-aid and get this over as quickly as possible.

You know, for a lot of that party, I can't remember who it was, I think it might have been Celia Pakula, thought that I'd said Robbie Williams, and she didn't understand why all the comedians were upset. Oh, Robbie Williams, the singer. The singer from Take That. Hey, he's a good singer.

All these comedians being like, oh, he inspired me, he's the reason I got into comedy. She's like, the guy that sang Angels. My final muggle corner. So is my group text in there? Yeah. I would say yes. So Muggle, so it's yes if it involves sort of admin, unnecessary admin.

Unnecessary admin. Because you couldn't organize the thing yourself. Just send out. That's why Facebook invites are great. You just go, here's the event invites are great you just go here's the event here's the date here's the venue click attending not attending whatever don't turn into a fucking group thing um my final one muggles do dry january right if you're gonna go sober for it there's nothing wrong with going sober i absolutely fucking respect that at all but don't

you respect it because it's something that you will never be able to achieve yes for it there's nothing wrong with going sober i absolutely fucking respect that at all but don't you respect it because it's something that you will never be able to achieve yes uh but i understand why people do people have their own reasons and for whatever and it's a great thing to do for your health and whatnot but just do it just do it at a time when you wake up hungover one day you'd be like well i'm actually doing i'm raising a word no you're raising awareness of how much of a fucking nerd you are you're raising awareness of how dull you are that it required a special month for you to be able to do anything positive in your life like you only i just can't uh okay october shut up can't um i agree and disagree and here's why i agree that you don't need a month to do it i at one moment i had to do like a dry month just because i was drinking every day and i asked one of my friends i was

like is drinking every day alcoholism or not because i'm not drinking like because i need it because oh my god i'm starting to shake i'm drinking because i love it i'm drinking because i love it but i'm also every day going i could a pint. Yeah, and it's all functional on it. Right, but needing a pint every day, I'm like, is that a problem? At the time, I was like, is that a problem or not? I'm now like, it's not a problem. It's just fun. I enjoy having a pint.

But I had to do about a month, and I did it, I think, after Edinburgh when I was in LA. I just did a month off. I've done it several months before, and I remember just because I was in LA I just did a month off I've done sober months before and I remember just because I was waking up at like 8am because I've been going to bed at like 1 because I'm not hungover or drinking I don't need to sleep as well

I'm waking up at 8 doing all my chores doing all my house, doing a bunch of work, answering all my emails going to the gym and then you get to 1 o'clock in the afternoon when I normally wake up and I'm like i've done everything what do sober people do because it's not like if you're sober and you have a day job which is you've got the 95 to fucking distract you and all the driving to work either way which is if you're doing so but they're totally fine like but for me i'm just like there's there's

too many hours in the day you're just sad sad. I don't know what sober people do. It's true. Today, we had a couple of beers after Trump's inauguration. We said we should have actually just had a few during. Yeah. It would have been a lot of fun. Yeah. We saw a tank today.

Yeah. Standard, isn't it? It's America. Everyone had guns. They they love guns they love cars stick them together yeah car gun car gun we call it yeah it's some of the stuff today with the amount of guns we saw a lot of snipers and the fact that i enjoyed i saw the police on every form of transport so i saw police on horses boats helicopters feet tank cars trucks the army hammer um i'm pretty sure i saw a segway one yes a bike a bicycle motorbike all in one day yeah amazing

they're getting around i do feel please bingo i do feel sorry for the police officers like because this must be like a stressful time for them, but also a fun time for the good ones. They're protecting and serving. That's what they want to do. They believe they're doing the right thing. Imagine being told you're the cunt on the bike. Imagine the day where Steve, you and Jenny,

you're in tank duty. Clarissa, Michael I want you on horse patrol Jeremy, Segway Barry, yeah Bike Do you reckon he's the one that gets mugged off by all the other police officers

Just be like How's your little bell You're going to scare off the Shut up Hey terrorist stop it um agreed dry january cool that was very quick and easy one but uh but i was gonna say some people do need the sort of new year to do something so it doesn't have to be so you know the whole new year's resolution even though people are bad at keeping it. I say we've already

put New Year's resolutions as a muggle thing, and New Year's resolutions were a muggle corner. Agreed. Then we're done. Perfect. Good. Right. What's your final muggle corner? People who take their shit job seriously. No. Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. I hate them. And here's what I mean. So, one example. I was on tour, Holiday Inn, and I went downstairs to get some breakfast, and I went bare feet, because it's a

fucking Holiday Inn. It's not, you know, Trump Hotel where it would be wonderful. Actually, it was the Holiday Inn Express, right? And I'm going downstairs to get some breakfast, bare feet. I'm already on the hotel side. No, go fuck... And I'm eating on my hand.

Like, I'm on their side. You're an asshole. Stop trying to take society back, you's it's my holiday right it's called you're in a halty and express you don't get to pretend this is the fucking al garb and you're about to eat fruit on the beach and you want to feel the sand between your toes it's sticky holiday wear your fucking shoes you disgusting bag of shit two things it's called the holiday inn right if it's my holiday you're right in cardiff i if i want to say but it's not your holiday you just said you're on tour right but they don't know that today i rented i rented a

room at the holiday inn right i like to eat I wake up and the first thing I do when I wake up is shower, eat some food, and then I leave, right? I don't want to have to go, can I put some shoes on? That's not my first thought. Secondly, at the fucking breakfast tables, there was a child of about seven years old without shoes. Did the manager say anything to that child? No! Oh, the child can have whatever he wants. But an adult man?

That was so rude of him. No, that is not a man taking his job seriously. That is a functional member of the society. Why is the kid allowed to do it? Because he's a kid. Oh, a kid's allowed to rape? For the same reason that you're not allowed to shit yourself at the dinner table, right a baby does it nobody goes get that fucking reprobate out of here okay no okay if if you start sucking on if an adult pushes it out that is rude if an adult accidentally

shits himself it's not his fault that's fair that is fair if i'm pushing it out if i'm at a dinner table and i'm pushing and i'm looking at you in the eyes and i'm pushing the shit out that's fucking rude but if i'm like eating with you and then i do a little fart and then as i fart shit comes out and i'm like oh my god i'm so embarrassed that's a different thing and so fuck that kid fuck that manager it bothers me right if you know in the same way that if like if there's a kid crying at a table, I'm just going to go right. It's a kid. If I'm at dinner with you and you start fucking bawling, just don't have any Coco Pops at the age of 30. I wouldn't cry for Coco Pops, but you've seen me cry before.

Actual genuine things like mental health issues For anyone that hasn't guessed by now, right? You've seen me cry at actual things, and you've never made me go, oh, fucking... Yeah, because we weren't in a restaurant, but if... Yeah, but you were crying stoically. Like, you were like, it was... If you're bawling over nothing at a restaurant, I'm going to be like, Eric, shut... Like, if they kick us out at no point am i like well this is ruining your room and other people's dinner right okay because of the noise

i having no shoes on if anything makes less noise walking with shoes more noise than walking bare feet and i i don't like that and so another another example, I went to see someone's show once. With no shoes on. No clothes. I was rubbing my dick and then putting it in their rice. But like, no, I was watching someone's show. There was no more seats. So I just watched from the fire escape, right?

From the fire exit. Fire, health and safety hazard. Now that's technically a health and safety hazard. But I was one of the comics that was on later on in the same venue. I said hello to the fire exit. Fire, health and safety hazards. Now, that's technically a health and safety hazard. But I was one of the comics that was on later on in the same venue. I said hello to the stage manager. I said hello to all the staff.

It was really lovely. And they knew who I was, right? And I was like, I'm just going to stay quietly. I just want to watch this comedian. They're like, no, it's a health and safety hazard. And I went, okay,

but if there's a fire, I promise I'll leave. Yeah, I'm not going to stay. And they were like, no, you can't stay. And that's when it bothered me. Because I was like, if there's a fire, what do you think I'm not going to stay And they were like No you can't stay And that's when it bothered me Because I was like If there's a fire

What do you think I'm going to do But he's not done Just block I'm going to block the exit Ah no guys Come on Weird game of Are you getting hot

Up the back there He's getting hot Oh I'm going to Of course I'm going to leave Of course I'm going to leave See And she took it so seriously

See For me when you say someone takes their job seriously, see when I've been in McDonald's, right? I've never worked at McDonald's or Fast Food, but I understand that it must be tough to go into that job with a passion every day. Right. See when one of those guys or girls

has the biggest fucking crown on their face and they nail their fucking job like see when everyone else is like like being a lazy fucker in the back and they're like oi this guy needs his fucking pancakes right now i'm like you're my favorite person that works here because you are taking your job because even though because that's how you get promotions that's how you everyone else who's not taking the shit job seriously that's why you're gonna have shit jobs for the rest of your fucking life Whereas you who are taking the shit job seriously And fucking owning it You're going to move up

I agree with that But that's him still providing a service for you While I'm saying That this person could allow me To just be in a fire escape They're power tripping Yeah it's just unnecessary It's like you're being unnecessary Because you know i'm gonna leave if there's a fire yeah okay and the

feet thing look once i got my breakfast i'm at the table i'm going back to my hotel for five hours i don't want to have to get dressed in my shoes because i wear converses i have to do all the laces and stuff it's just annoying i'm saying yeah what i'm saying is if you allowed me to be at the dinner table without shoes i i would say most people wouldn't even notice and if someone noticed they would have gone fine most if you saw someone without without shoes at the breakfast table would you genuinely genuinely my truthful answer would you genuinely be bothered or you'd be like fine i would i wouldn't say that but i would be like that's a bit weird right it's a bit weird you might even judge the guy by going it's a bit gross because the flaws of but that's his fucking prerogative right yeah it's not ruining

your day it's not like he's putting his dirty feet in your plate right it's just he wants to walk bare feet so but your muggle thing there is it's it's it's more power tripping though it's more unnecessary enforcement of rules okay my apologies i re i phrased it wrong you're taking it quite seriously uh which i know which i know you hate in that case i will uh allow it kai did one which was fucking hilarious was we were at loft bar two years ago during uh the fringe uh we left at about half four in the morning and just as we got out beyond the last bit of bouncers natalie was like i need to pee and kai was like god just go back in and the bouncer wouldn't let natalie back in to pee and kai was like guys she just came out like we're we're that's my venue i'm gigging there tomorrow can my girlfriend please just go to pee the guy was like no I'm not going to let

her pee and Kai's like and Kai goes she's pregnant and she's not pregnant but he goes she's pregnant and the guy's like

no I'm not letting her back in and now Kai's like you're not going to let a pregnant woman pee which is fair but now Kai's getting angry about the hypothetical situation he's going through

he's right because I'm now all of a sudden angry but she still wasn't pregnant! He doesn't know that! He guessed! He doesn't know that! At least she's got shoes on! Right.

Let's just go through them again. Pause. Can you pause? Yes, I can pause. And we are back. So just to run through quickly all the Muggle corners we did there

was you are a Muggle if you do comedy polls on Twitter if you get excited by a new sponge for the kitchen I'm in the corner

for that one and if you do a dry January which I've also done before so I'm also in the corner for that fuck what were your three again

mine were if you take if you like not you take your job so seriously, but you're, you play the power that you have in a shit job. Not saying that those are shit jobs,

but just the, chill out with the power. What were my three? And then the moving things. Oh, standing on the moving walkways. And then... We should be in the muggle corner for this. Yeah, we should.

Oh, group texts where you bring other muggles because of your lack of organisation. Admin in the group texts. And now on to our final round. Your dad jokes. You've not done this before. I'm very interested to see what you've come up with. I don up with. I will go

first. Your dad is a blow-up doll. Alright. I don't know how your mum managed it. So, okay. Cool. Your one. Your dad is so lovely that it's quite obvious your mum cheated to create you.

Because you're an awful person uh your dad got kicked off the pub quiz team for failing a drugs test that's believable uh your dad is so tall that some of his income has to be spent on regular visits to the chiropractor instead of his children doesn't he look like a fool At least he's got a straight back though. Your dad's safe word is your name. I've tried safe words. What's your safe word? Have you ever had a safe word?

I've never needed one. Not a pussy. I think mine was pineapple. I think it once came up with pineapple. Then she brought a pineapple and it was mixed messages and then I went in we were like oh shit your dad is called Martin

from the Roman name Martinus which comes from the planet Mars so expect Elon Musk and thousands of other men to be on your dad in the next 60 years am I right? you know how some people can flip their

eyelids inside out? Yeah. Your dad can do that with his foreskin. Nice. Your dad touched a mosquito and that's how the Zika virus was born. Not even the mosquito drew blood from him, you just touched it.

Your dad wears a vest to the mosque. It just turns up in a fucking white beard. He's not even Muslim. Get out of here, dad. He's not aggressive when he's there. But you know what's nice about Muslims? They say you're allowed to be in without shoes. I knew you'd like that.

You know what? Having breakfast with Muslim pals is lovely. Your dad starts group texts and everyone immediately leaves. Your dad put up missing posters around the block looking for his self-respect. Did he find it? No, no. Not a big enough reward. Your dad doesn't listen to your podcast.

It's not true, dad. I know you're listening. Your dad's motto is, any swing's a sex swing if you're quick enough. Your dad is one of those awful people who will chalk the end of a snooker cue every single time it's his turn, and yet will miss about 85% of shots.

Which is frankly a waste of everybody's time your dad got banned from the doctors for throwing money over his shoulder during a prostate exam um every time someone throws salt behind them you know for luck your dad's behind there just to catch it with his mouth your dad skims CDs at the beach

you what you just you know people skim rocks he skims CDs I actually quite like that yeah just depends what CDs alright

just all the ones that remind of your mum So sad But fair Your dad is my dad's bottom And my dad's not gay But he will fuck your dad just to show how dominant he is No matter how many times

I tell your dad it's bad luck He still continues to open up Umbrellas inside his asshole your dad's penis is so long but so thin that it would take Lady and the Tramp about 30 minutes before they kiss that is a belter what a perfect way to end I've just been on the fucking phone to Kai.

He's now releasing one. So this probably will not go out until Monday. So next week, I've got some gigs in LA, which are all on my website. Do you have any gigs or things you'd like to plug? No, I guess the two things I'd like to plug is I do two podcasts. So one is called the Comedian Cinema Club Podcast.

Which we're about to do. We're doing one with you where it's like a one-on-one with comedians about their favourite films and stuff. And there's actually a few other sort of movie-themed podcasts. So Comedian Cinema Club is a cool one. And then I do one called Topical Island where every week, well, most weeks, I get stoned. And on my own, I try and fill half an hour of nonsense. Nice. It's silly.

Yeah. You can't take it seriously. I totally get it if it's not your cup of tea, because it's fucking annoying. Yeah, but also, these are the fuckers that listen to this podcast. They'll listen to anything. And also, in case you're the police, and you're like, it's illegal to smoke weed. I live in California. It's fully legal.

Oh, no. We've been stoned on the podcast. We have joint breaks. Some of our fans, who I absolutely love for this, me and Kai have joint breaks where we just pause the podcast and apparently some of our listeners also pause and have a joint then, which if you're one of those fans, it's one of the coolest things.

I can't wait to have fans. Apart from that, Eric, thank you very much for being on the podcast. I hope Kai's podcast was fun. Talk to you soon. apart from that Eric thank you very much for being on the podcast and yeah you guys I hope Kai's podcast was fun talk to you soon love you bye

love you bye