Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.27 Muggins no Cream

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

The first time Muggins has lead the podcast without Cream (after several failed attempts) he is joined by Andrew Stanley, remember the mug that spazzzed out on shrooms in Amsterdam and was totally Geoff? Yeah, that lad. Direct from down under. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Alright, here we go.

This is live and direct from Perth, Australia. This is Muggins with no cream, but one sugar. Hi, sugar. One sugar. Yeah, how's you? I guess that is good, because on our anniversary, you should call me nice names like that. It is our five-year Facebook anniversary today. It is.

You shared it like a muggle. Shared it like a muggle. Straight out there. But I was trying to put out a third picture with it, which, of course, we didn't. On one of the first nights we went out, you rested your penis on a sleeping man's head in Copperface Jack's in Dublin. Well, Copperface Jack's being a nightclub. Being a nightclub in Dublin.

The scummiest nightclub in Dublin. Amazing. So much fun. Well, in the nightclub. Been in the nightclub in Dublin. The scummiest nightclub in Dublin. Amazing. So much fun. Well, you know what? He was asleep and I have a penis.

That's true. Oh no, listen, listen, I'm not saying you made a mistake. But it is the night we met.

It is the night we met. So I was trying to find, frantically find that picture but instead. you took a photo of it. Yeah, took a photo of it. You're going to post it

on Facebook. We were just going to see. I wonder if they would have taken it down I mean would your penis have been recognisable as a penis

in a grid photo format I mean it would have probably been like yeah there would be so much masturbation going on like the productivity

of every country in Europe would have went down the GDP of you porn would have had like issued a new report going wow searches

how are we getting the least hits because it turns out it's your facebook page it's getting all the traffic but there'll be so many porn bots through my facebook page so i want a bit of muggles action so put it i put my flaccid penis in the man's ear i sexually assaulted a dude actually i'm on the run yeah technically that's why you're in aust. I could actually be, like, if he'd known about that, or if he'd found out about that, I'm probably going to end up on some kind of sex offenders register. I think I fucked a man in the ear. In his sleep.

So that was five years ago when nobody was as PC as they are now. So five years ago that was just a bit of banter. If you did that now, there'd be a march. Millennials would have a strut. Millennials would have a march. There'd be a hashtag for it. There'd be a mem going around. Mem? meme all over the place look at this let's let's focus on something that this is now our fourth attempt at doing this podcast yeah i feel like

we haven't introduced you properly because you've already had so many practices yeah this is andrew stanley fellow comedian and the guy who lost his shit on mushrooms in the Amsterdam episode of the podcast. That's who I am. This is Andrew Stanley. And we've attempted this a couple of times, but to no avail. It turns out I'm not very good at being a straight man. You're not very good at being a straight man, technically gifted in any way when it comes to equipment, mechanical equipment. Are you checking if your microphone is out?

I mean, I've made that mistake before. It'd be amazing if you hadn't had it on and it's just me answering questions and then silence for 10 seconds going, anyway, so you had your penis in an ear. Oh, God. If that had happened, I think I would have just edited out the silence

where I'm talking and just made it like... To just be like a psycho. Yeah, and then I turn the mic on and just go this is the guy that lost his mane on mushrooms is that it again

this is a straight direct recording from Amsterdam yeah so yeah we've been in Perth I've been we both landed

at the same time so I guess we're here we left a week ago today yeah we actually left probably exactly a week ago yeah

I arrived so what it's so confusing this whole thing I arrived Thursday at 4am and you arrived Thursday at 4 a.m. and you arrived Thursday at 6 a.m. Yeah.

Thursday morning. What day is it today, Wednesday? Today's Tuesday. Tuesday. So that's when you left. It takes 30 hours to get here. It takes 21, 30 hours. It took me 30 and then the time zone boosts to eight hours.

Exactly. So you pick up two days, essentially. Do you know what it did to me, though? Like, you know, normally people get jet lag. Yeah. I live my life like a teenager. Like, I'll get up at like 1 p.m. You're like Billy whiz now i get up at like 6 a.m yeah yeah like all it's done is give me a normal person sleeping pattern if you go to the gym kind of bike race yeah i'm the same yeah like

i get up at i get up at six o'clock this morning and i was talking to somebody back home and i was like it's actually a little bit cold because it's only 17 degrees here this morning at 6 a.m which is obviously roasting and i was like oh you know i might get up or whatever and then she was like isn't this the perfect time to go for a run so it's 6 30 this morning i went for like 6k run still hot and it was still it was actually okay it was okay because when i'm when i'm on my bike i feel like god's got a magnifying glass and he's chasing an ant across the pavement yeah you know you're chasing the stray ant to try and burn it but the the thing is now, it is just hit. That's the thing.

It's been very tolerable, weather-wise. You know what I mean? Late 20s, kind of 20, 26, 27. But we had lunch just there, and then we walked back to my house, which is a six-minute walk, I would say. I felt like I'd had a big bowl of cancer by the time I got home. A steamy bowl of cancer. Six-minute walk in 32 degrees.

I think there's a hole in the ozone layer as well so like around here yeah so like all the UV rays just get through and just touch it it's not like being

in 36 degrees somewhere else no it's not like being in 36 like in Spain where it's like dry heat or something like that because it's humid as well it's horrible

then tomorrow it's going to be 37 and then the next day 39 so we've just talked about the weather for the first five minutes that's all we're doing now that's the way it is

you know what? I'm going to stand up because I want to do an experiment. I don't think you have to tell them. No, I need to tell them I'm standing up because if you're listening to England, you stand up now.

Wait, okay. No, no, not you. The listener in England, if you're standing up and I'm standing up,

we're opposite directions. Like seriously, if you teleported me to where you are now, I'd fall on my head. Like, we're opposite directions. Like, seriously, if you teleported me to where you are now, I'd fall on my head. Like, we're upside down. Just think about that for a second. Like, it's easy to say, like, oh, we're down under and all that,

but we really are. Like, if you took the distance of the earth between me and that person in the podcast, that's stand-up. Yeah, but why are you only focusing on Australia? Why don't you go, hey, you know what? When I'm in America, I'm leaning to the left. When I'm in Africa, I'm kind of at an angle. Because this is like, this is pure.

Because it's absolute. You know, it would be a little bit contrived. You're not upside down. They're upside down. Well, we're both like opposite directions. Up and down is a human concept. Actually, technically right now, because of the time it is here, nobody's standing up. They're just lying down and sleeping. Oh, yeah. And if I get them to stand up, then it's going to be a different time's standing up they're just lying down sleeping oh

yeah and if i get them to stand up then it's going to be a different time and i'm going to be lying down i don't think you podcast start live listen aside from the numerous basic flaws in your plan there's actual all right he has another plan he has another plan what if you drilled right through the earth, but you had a good infrastructure so it wouldn't collapse. So you drill right through the earth, and you've got steel supporting the earth so it doesn't crumble. Steel?

Do you think steel is going to get you there? No, no. Hear me out. So you find a way to go through the core of the earth. I know it's dead hot and stuff, but we'll use that. We'll use technology. It's more than pretty wood. Right.

And just make a perfect tube all the way from the top and bottom. Let's make it like 10 meters wide in a circle. Okay. 10 meters wide. Radius? Diameter? Radius. Radius.

Yeah. Right. And then I'm going to leap in, right? Hopefully I'll do a good leap so I'm not bouncing off the walls all the way down. Yeah, you don't need to. I'm just going to, yeah, yeah. Right. But I just leap in and I'm just to leap in right hopefully I'll do a good leap so I'm not bouncing off the walls all the way down but I just leap in and I'm just like straight lining it

just like you know what you do on Wet and Wild where you cross your legs and you put your hands on your chest and you're like wee right

I'm not going to fly out the other end am I is there going to be a point where I go past the middle of the earth keep on going and it'll be like being on a bungee cord

and then I'll be like and then fall forward again that kind of makes yeah that would be more that would be that's more scientifically accurate I think

than the first thing of being upside down and all that I think that's 100% scientifically accurate like if I disoperated to England right now

I'd land on my head because I'm the wrong way up to be in England like my but I don't think I don't think you would land on your head because I'm the wrong way up to be in England like my but I don't think I don't think you would land on your head because they would have they'd account for gravity

and things like that oh the dis-apparition dude yeah of course Steve Steve that's his name Steve the technician from dis-apparition

I don't know I don't even know where I'm going now but I think if you if you went down the tube you would get to like the centre then you'd go past the centre but then you would

start falling back towards the centre again you know what I mean yeah oh shit and then you know once you settle you'd just be going up and down it'd be like you'd be like one of those uh you know like the door the things on the side of the door that goes you'd like the middle part of that so you know once uh once i go up and down and up and down and up and down and get less and less and then i end up in the middle and I'm just vibrating a little bit God I wish this would stop then I'd just be hovering there

how do I get out? Now you're done it's game over I mean thankfully you wouldn't have to worry about that because the magma would have gotten through the steel so you'd definitely be dead

Look I just saw down a winch Just a winch just lower you down just lower you down pull you back up whenever you're ready I mean it's a good theory oh fuck do you know what we're gonna get so many tweets with like nah that wouldn't happen yeah

proper like there'll be one scientist going on let me tell you what uh actually the gravity pole at the center is actually put off by the numerous plates throughout the globe. And some people can't handle a hypothetical either. Yeah. They'll be like,

well, it would collapse. There's no way you could dig straight down like that. You'd probably hit rock. Shut up. You fucking shut up. Whoever you are.

That's how I feel about you. That is classic Brian. Brian, you. Brian, what a dick. Brian got in touch with me in Sluston, Jason Manfred's Absolute Radio Show. Right, right. And it was one about like,

Twitter can answer any question. So I just like, I'll just fucking, just knee jerk the question about, if you made a, like a tube from the sea all the way to the moon, would the difference in pressure, I mean, it would like siphon, like, you know, if you siphon from the sea all the way to the moon with the difference in pressure,

I mean, it would siphon, like if you siphon petrol out of the car when you're trying to steal petrol. Because you always do that, don't you? That's the only way to travel, even when I don't have a car. Would it siphon it all the way to the moon? And so many people on Twitter were just like,

no, the tube wouldn't have the structural integrity. And you're like oh man what am I thinking about we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I don't know if in theory it's going to work

apparently no I don't even I can't even remember these are the same type of people who when the channel tunnel would have been a discussion point

they would have gone the pressure from the water would never it would just collapse the bridge it would just collapse it entirely. But now it's there now. Yeah,

but it's obviously different. And it's like, no, you just didn't have the imagination. Yeah. Oh, well, if he said he was going to use

that type of concrete, well, that would have made complete sense. I didn't realise he was using Devon concrete. Everybody knows that's structurally sound under a pressure situation of water.

Which, I still can't get my head around bridges. Yeah. I've been up in my head around bridges. Yeah. I've been up in Scotland for the last... Kevin. Kevin Bridges. Yeah.

Yeah, I can't understand a word he's saying. What is going on? What does Denny Ken mean? Now that I was up in Scotland and they're building a new Forth Bridge across the Forth and it's a fucking masterpiece and it's going up

and I'm just like, how does that work? It's things like bridges and it's going up and I'm just like, how does that work? It's things like bridges and the channel tunnel and stuff like that that makes us think, oh, this is just all a computer game and we're all zeros and ones

and it's all programming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the laws of physics have been overridden just for this to exist. Well, no, the laws of physics have been perfectly followed.

That's why it works. Oh, well, I get that. All I'm doing is saying I'm too stupid to i get that like i'm hyper i'm all i'm doing is like saying i'm too stupid to ever understand that i'm just going to write it off as it must be programming i don't know if you'd be no i wouldn't say that i'd say you just haven't looked it up i think if you looked it up you'd be able to understand it well how the bridges work yeah i think if you i think if you looked up the structural integrity of something like the fourth bridge and what was being used what laws of physics being used you go oh yeah okay that's cool it's all triangles as well isn't it yeah it's all angles it's all

pressure it's all like that's what the the beams are for and things like that yeah it's like planes taking off as well i just accept it like the plane will take off and i get the air well that's magic and i've i've i've like when i was in air connects for work where i got taught what aerofoil was on a wing and how it worked and the air going underneath but at the end of the day it's still just air and that's made of

fucking metal it's massive well you know there's always that bit you know when you're on a plane and you're taking off and it goes down the runway and then it hits that bump

which lifts the front wheel up I'm always like do we do I trust somebody that needs a little speed bump you know what I mean like give us a boost like if you can't climb a wall without a boost don't climb the wall you know what I mean that's what it is with a plane that needs a little speed bump you know what I mean like give us a boost like if you can't climb a wall

without a boost don't climb the wall you know what I mean that's what it is with a plane you need a little bump to just get the wheel off the ground always

always look out the window as we're taking off and I say always now and again I've done it once I've never been in a plane I did it I did it once

I like to imagine that flying was a brand new concept and this was like the first time it's been attempted or whatever. So when we take off, like, just get the buzz of, we're flying, we're flying. And just look out the window as if it's never been done before and we're, like, taking a punt on it. Because that happened once.

The Wright brothers must have had that feeling when the aeroplane took off and they were like fuck yeah yeah we're doing it we're flying we're flying it's amazing

so yeah I try and like clear my mind of all history of flight and just enjoy the flight as if it's the first time it's been taken off I mean

the adventures you must go on in your head and then when the woman comes along with the coffee I just imagine I've never had coffee before you just imagine coffee hasn't been a thing

I mean I've got well you imagine coffee's hasn't been a thing I mean I've got well you imagine coffee's never even been a thing you're the first person ever to drink a coffee we found these in South America

what is this elixir of awakeness we found these beans on our travels that's what I'm trying to say a little bit dementia that's why I keep

forgetting to turn the mic on you've got a great imagination that's what you mean there was a thing about I bought the program

when I went to see Penn and Teller. Oh, yeah. And it was just like a couple of just little neat magic tricks you can try on your own. And one of them was just this kind of curveball

of a magic trick. And it was like, close your eyes and imagine someone that you really love, someone really close to you has died. And then think about that

and get upset about it for a few minutes and open your eyes and remember that they're alive. And it gives you a rush and a buzz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gives you a rush and a buzz, but it probably sucks when you're imagining them dead.

Yeah, of course. And then what happens? Do they have a card in their pocket or something like that? And then either guy has his card, and it's like you have to pull it out. You have fucking brother's ashes. Right, okay. And then it says he's still alive.

He's dead. Love card tricks Adam Bloom I was on with Adam Bloom before I came over here and I didn't know he was like a card magician

do you know who Carrie is as well who I'm looking at yeah yeah I knew Carrie was and then Adam like it was funny so I was like

I'd watched this David Blaine thing just randomly watched it the week beforehand and I was like oh he did this one trick with that actress Olivia Wilde. She's in Tron and tons and tons of movies.

And so he did this one trick where he gives her the cards, the normal 52 cards. And then he goes, okay, now you deal these how you want them. Put red to the left, black to the right. Now don't look at them, but obviously whenever you think

there's a red or a black, do it. So she starts dealing. She's like, left left right left right and then he stopped we go hold on one second that one's wrong move one over they go left left left right all right and she dealt 26 and 26 26 red 26 back right and that's a trick i'm like amazing and that's what the type of thing i'm like i don't even know how i've no i've no idea so i was saying that in bloom like i was like oh he just done like three tricks for me. And then I told him that one. And he goes, you know, you've just done.

You've just kind of gone, oh, those are great. Let me tell you about one that's really great. He took it personally. Yeah, I didn't even know if I think. And then he, then an hour later, did that trick to me. Did he? Yeah, he did it to me. And he was like, that's how, and he goes, that's one of the oldest tricks.

Like, it's amazing. So card tricks like that, they're unbelievable. Are they learnable or do you need a talent? That one, you definitely need a talent, apparently. He taught Joe Roundtree one that night. He taught Joe Roundtree two that night. One was decent and the second one was fantastic where you literally imagine two cards

and he just took them out of the deck. So that was like, that's another one where you're just going, I don't want to know how. I don't know how you did it, you know? Yeah. But he said he, Adam reckons he knows about,

he said he knows like kind of, he knows hundreds of tricks, you know? But he said he knows about 10 that are like his forte. They're the gold ones that he can do better than most people

and better than a lot of magicians, you know? Yeah. Adam done this trick on me where he looked in my eyes and stole my heart. Oh, yeah, no, he did that to me as well. Did he?

He never gave it back. He has so many hearts. He's got eight hearts. Eight of hearts. Oh, God. Fuck. Kerry was telling us about, like, sometimes, like, in the magic trade,

like, sometimes the biggest reactions you'll get will be off an accident. Like, there was a guy who had this thing where he had a cigarette that disappeared or something that was up his sleeve but then when he was

doing something else it accidentally flew out of his sleeve and ended up in a woman's cleavage and then no one had spotted it and he ended up

pandering for a little bit and then got out to check her tits and it was just there the thing's there but he totally fluked it but then like he made it into a thing

yeah and then they just walk away like fucking mind's absolutely blown yeah yeah but of course he's like i can never do that again yeah i'll never be able to do it again have you heard that one about the um the guy who it was somebody with um there's a guy selected out the audience i can't remember who the magician is but the um at the end of it they open the curtains and his car's on the stage and they're like is this your car oh my god it's god amazing right but um what had happened is there was a team of people that

were like following him around in the interval and like took his car keys out of his pockets actually pickpocketed him got his car with the thing like off the ticket list yeah off the valley apart well not the valley otherwise i wouldn't have it and then they got his car and brought it along to the to the back of the gig amazing and then managed to pick the keys back into his pocket so he had his keys so when he came on the stage

the reveal was that he had to press his doof out of his pocket to make it seem so people know it's his car so they know it's his car and it was just

the lengths that went through to make that happen so it looks like magic and you're just like nah they've just fucking really went all out well it's like

I love all those Darren Brown shows. Yeah. You know, like the ones like the making, making a hero and things like that, where he, he changed the guy's life and he made him land the plane

at 40,000 feet. You ever seen that one? Nah. Like he does an emergency landing of a plane. This guy who's like, does not out going at all. And he literally is in this guy's life for a month and a half,

solidly. Like he has control of his phone he has control like he's everything there's billboards on his way to work there's like

things get delivered he has like a BBC news app that they've doctored so it sends news stories that make him go whoa my god what is this you know it's all

and you just it's that thing of just going god the amount of work and effort that goes into something like that and then when it and it is I guess it is revealed so you see what it is but there's also parts where thing of just going, God, the amount of work and effort that goes into something like that. And I guess it is revealed, so you see what it is.

But there's also parts where you're just going, it's still incredible. It's still unbelievable, the power that one individual can have, you know what I mean, to come up with that concept. It's incredible. I love all stuff like that. Have you heard Pete Holmes' routine about magic? No, no. He's not about like, it was suck being a magician

because there's no response for watching magic. Like, you know, when you're watching comedy, like everyone's response is to laugh when they hear a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But when you see the magic happen, he's like, I bet the wish was just something where they'd all start going, magic! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. They all had a uniform on. Which is well, let's say, he's one of my biggest yeah. They all had a uniform on. Which is well, let's say, he's one of my biggest recommendations as a comedian. He's on Spotify, Pete Holmes.

The show on Spotify is called Nice Try the Devil. Right, right. That's one of the funniest things ever. Pete is great. He's really, really good. If anyone's looking for anything

to do after this podcast, fuck it, yes. They won't want to do anything after this. They'll all start digging in their gardens trying to get to Australia. Speaking of Australia,

let's say, I've been cycling past this indoor skydiving centre every day. Yeah, yeah, top of the road. I've done my research. So there's an indoor skydiving centre. So you go in, there's like a big wind tunnel that fans you up and you can skydive indoors. Actually, if you did that, technically it would be like

if you were in the centre of the earth. Yeah, it would be. That's exactly what would happen. It's cheap at a skydive actually skydive it's cheap at a skydive how much is that fuck knows it was the lads

at the gym just told us really that was on about the indoor skydiving thing he was like yeah but you do know

it's cheap at a skydive I saw a price weirdly enough really randomly I was printing something off in like a backpacker hostel the other day

and I saw an ad for skydiving it was $249 serious yeah it can't be more expensive than that for the indoor one but maybe it's like a full day yeah you're gonna get more than one attempt on it right this one's like half an hour or something yeah and maybe you're just scared of heights but you want to do a skydive yeah yeah that's what it's for for pussies for people who just don't like planes it's like I mean I've had a look around well I've

been in Perth there's sky everywhere they need to build some sky in a building yeah it is actually I get

but I guess that's what it is it's for like it's for it's like speed skydiving like a 30 minute skydiving

experience it's probably good for like pro skydivers that want to do practice and moves and tricks

and all that shit like as you can do choreographed stuff like yeah I actually had a go of one in them in 2007 in florida and i found it difficult to stay steady but when the guy got a hold of us he was like fucking spinning his round and doing all kinds of fucking mad shit when he had control just still skydiving they can go in yeah and do like synchronized swimming type shit right yeah this was in the in the in the wind

tunnel that's exactly what it'll be then yeah it's i bet you you know it is i bet you it's like it's it's built for that what you're saying and then they've gone right let's try and make some extra money as well let's open it up to the public for like 15 minute sessions and things like that yeah because i guess it would be if you're going skydiving it's going to be a whole day you know what i mean yeah by the time you get out do everything it's going to be definitely a whole day's experience skydive no i'm pretty good yeah yeah it's it's weird right so you know when you're falling, do everything, it's going to be definitely a whole day's experience. Have you done a skydive? No. That's pretty good. Yeah? Yeah.

It's weird, right? So, you know, when you're falling, you're accelerating, and that's when it's a bit scary, because, like, you're going from north to whatever term of velocity it is. Someone's screaming, like, 290 miles an hour. Brian. Brian, stop it. When you're accelerating, it's like fucking,

but then you settle, and it becomes really tranquil because you're not accelerating anymore the same as like if you go north it's 70 in your car it's like meh but if you're in the motorway it's 70

you don't realise you're even going 70 you're not getting a seat any so it's just that exact same thing and you're just like floating on a little cloud

right right and then then you die dead dead now dead is this your card dead

is this your card so another thing while I've been in Australia is everyone's been Dead? Yeah, dead. Dead now? Dead. Is this your card? Dead. Is this your card? So another thing while I've been in Australia is everyone's been talking about the sharks and the spiders and the snakes and there's loads of stuff that could kill you. Is it crocodiles? Crocodiles, everything. Everything like a crocodile, didn't they? What's he doing? How can I even question there might be crocodiles?

As if what? As if Mick Hogan would lie? Paul Hogan? Mick Dundee. Hogan would lie? Paul Hogan? Mick Dundee. Mick Dundee, Paul Hogan. Paul Dundee. Kai Muggins. Daniel Cream.

That's not a donk. This is a donk. There was a knife on it. That's not a knife, this is a knife. That's not a spoon. That's not a knife. That's not a spoon. That's not a spoon.

That's not a spoon. I do that when Bedway misses. That's not a knife. This is a knife. That's not a spoon. That's not a knife. That's not a spoon. That's not a spoon. This is a spoon. I do that when in bed with my missus. That's not a spoon. I was thinking of The Simpsons. You know The Simpsons? Australian episode? Yeah. Where they go,

that's not a knife. This is a knife. And he takes out a spoon. They go, that's a spoon. I see you've played knifey spoonie before. So,

in this country, there are crocodiles, poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders, sharks, donks, box jellyfish,

all kinds of stuff that can kill you. Do you know, and this is a fact, because a man told me in a bar. This will definitely be a fact then.

Do you know what the animal is that's killed the most people in Australia? Mosquito. Horses? Horses.

Horses. Go on, explain. I can't. A man told me in a bar on the left that he just walked away animal is that's killed the most people in australia mosquito horses horses horses go on explain i can't a man told us about and left then he just walked away on that bombshell you think you're you think you're gonna get tweets about other stuff you're only gonna get tweets about this now because people like the the frolic with horses don't they get like thrown off them and trampled off them and sometimes sometimes they don't close their fingers when they're feeding it you know when they say close your fingers when you feed a horse carrots? Yeah. It's because you might die. I'm thinking. So horses just can't be...

So I think it's less to do with horses are mass murderers of people. It's just that not that many people are dying because of sharks, spiders and snakes. I think it's because the statistics are a lot lower than we think. So because of the accidents with the horses, that actually numbers higher. But that means it's their fault statistics are a lot lower than we think so because of the accidents with the horses that actually numbers higher but that means it's their fault the Australians I mean if the Australian

need a listener it's not your fault it's still alive I mean I'm still gonna I'm still gonna question that horses are the number one killer Brian is losing his mind

Brian I'll tell you what I want tweets in about this I want people to tweet me what the number one killer of people in Australia is aside from aside from people going actually the number one

killer of people is actually other people. Fuck off, Brian. I don't want to hear that shit. So that's why I don't agree. It's horses. I'm going to say, I would say it's something like... Mosquitoes would be a good shout. Mosquitoes, yeah, but that's just more of a

trick answer. Because mosquitoes kill so many people. But yeah, I guess you many people. So yeah, I guess you're right. I mean spiders, there's never really loads of... Someone said more people die

because of toasters related injuries and related accidents than sharks. No, but a toaster is a type of shark. No, but my response was if you swim with toasters

you're asking for trouble. Especially if they're plugged in. It's a nightmare. Don't go into the water with your GHD. As well, when you're swimming, just have toast later. Yeah, you're not supposed to eat before you get in the water. You're asking for a cramp. How much are you micromanaging your time if you're making toast when you're swimming?

Somebody said to me earlier on, one of the lads from the house, they asked me, and when I said no no they looked at me like I was the idiot have you ever had a toast sandwich yeah what's a toast sandwich you'll put like

well I would I've done it before where I've made toast and then I've put on like fucking ham and cheese and ketchup and then whatever but it's much better

if you put them in first and then toast it yeah so like a toasty so that's not a toast sandwich so you ready for a

toast sandwich slice of toast between two slices of bread exactly no exactly that is the right response that is the right response josh and jane both said that to me and they eat that and they eat that they said that's a toast sandwich and then jane said oh sorry andrew you were never a broke student oh and i was like you want some money but i was probably like i was probably like that's not a great slam. Man, I've been... Toast inside, like, that's like going...

I've been skinned, but not toast sandwich skinned. That's like somebody going, do you want a banana banana? What's that? Or we just puree a banana and inject it into a banana and you eat the banana.

Well, it's that as well, the way, oh, you haven't been skinned before and like putting it on you. I have been skinned where there's been three slices of bread. I've had them as toast or bread.

Yep. But... Yep. Makes no sense. You know what? Put whatever you want in your mouth. Just don't keep it away from me. Toast sandwich. I've never heard of that. I've never heard of that before. It's horrific.

Yeah. Fuck. It's got his... Who is it? Josh and Jane. I just wanted to know who to ignore for the next month. Josh Pugh. Josh Pugh. Toast sandwich. Josh Pugh Josh Pugh toast sandwich Josh Pugh 2016 English professional comedian

just living his life eating toast sandwiches by choice because have you never been to Brook's students before he's not a Brook's student now he's on sustenance money

he's got a pair of DMs I don't think he's eating it now I don't think he's eating it now but he definitely ate it oh so you didn't catch him in the act no no no you're like what are you doing man no

wow I mean I kind of want to taste a toast sandwich now he definitely ate it oh so you didn't catch him in the act no no no no wow I mean I kind of want to taste a toast sandwich now wait we'll have we'll have one after this oh man it's so hard to toast to toast now

I'm definitely not eating toast sandwich so I did something change the subject a little bit I did something at a gig I think I've I might have told you already

what happened but I'm going to tell you again for the sake of the eavesdroppers listen to this so I'm hosting a gig on a for the sake of the eavesdroppers listen to this so I'm hosting a gig on a rooftop terrace and it was such a nice gig as well it's on a rooftop terrace

which it's daylight at the start of the gig and over the course of the hour it becomes twilight and it's dark by the end of it so it's like a real nice novelty moment

so I'm doing this gig and this guy comes in late and he's got like a tracksuit jacket on he's got a cap on like sitting off the back of his head and stuff and uh i started mocking him as he comes to sit down and i was like oh is this what a bogan is i've heard the word bogan and i'm pointing at this guy he's kind of like looking at us not really laughing with everybody else that i'm

calling him a bogan yeah and so i just like trying to get some stuff out of him and he's not responding i'm just trying to like get him in on it so that i'm not picking on him you know so it's like part of the thing and i was asking him if he's a bogan and then i was like i i can't be scared of bogans in this country because in our country they're chavs in in the in europe they're chavs so i was saying like with a chav they've got like a hoodie on they've got a big house on you don't know how big they are how bulky they are under there so they can be quite intimidating yeah you don't know if they're concealing a weapon i was like chavs and like bogans in this country they're wearing shorts you can see the ankles how can i be like hit like how

can i be upset by someone when i can see they're like intimidated by someone if i can see they're so vulnerable and even even stuff like how can you be intimidated by a guy who's wearing bermuda shorts yeah totally so i'm just like giving this like riff off the back of him just not giving me anything off calling him Bogan and all that and then

I start talking to him again and he's just staring at his fucking slack jaw this Bogan guy right and I'm just like can you not understand what I'm saying because I have got an accent

and he's just looking at it as like kind of in bewilderment and I'm like look I have got an accent and it is half me but it's also half you like you've got to kind of tune into my accent everyone else has made the effort like oh this

is a new accent i'm going to just do it it's like like a lot of it's to do with you just hearing it translate i'm mocking them for this and then i just went i'll leave him alone and moved on because i was getting fucking nothing yeah yeah and then i saw him chatting to the woman he was sat next to right and i was just like oh if you found your voice and he just looked at his wide eye and went i'm autistic oh my god whole fucking world crumbled from one of these because i'd just been fucking slagging this poor autistic boy for five minutes luckily everybody else was in the same boat as me everyone in the audience yeah because he looked a bit was this steven um his name's steven i didn't find out his name tall guy he was the guy that was in the gig last night i was in the gig last night

yeah yeah yeah yeah the one that i am so it ended up it ended up being sweet like everybody knew he's a lovely guy there was no bad intentions coming from it he wasn't hurt and he's he's i don't know if it's his mom that he's with yeah but she wasn't here she was like laughing at everything and everyone had like been in the same boat as me and it was fine and then I ended up chatting to someone and he ended up like

having no fingers off an industrial injury so I just look like a cunt because I'm just like slagging off someone who's just lost all his fingers and then I've been slagging off Did the guy lose all his fingers or one finger? Some fingers the rest of it was all casted and stuff

That guy was in my gig as well Was he? The day before Wow Yeah, the guy with the full bandage and he's from um from yorkshire yeah yeah so what did you go with because i just went smutty like because he lost his job and i was like fuck you i only found out i only asked him afterwards because i was chatting to someone else i was like you've lost your job you've lost your fingers you're gonna lose your girlfriend because you

can't please her anymore oh god well i only started to chat to him during the gig because there was a there was a of course i'm not going to leave this alone when i'm doing a gig there was a first date in who had met through friends so i was asked i was like oh how's the first date going like what is what's the plan for this tonight they were like i was like did you meet like an hour before the gig and they were like no no technically the first date started yesterday and they'd just been on a rollover so they had gone into like the 26 27th hour kind of thing so it was like amazing i was going well this is my next 20 minutes they'd started yesterday and they'd just been on a rollover so they had gone into like the 26th 27th hour kind of thing so it was like amazing

I was going well this is my next 20 minutes nothing else is being dealt with here at all and then that guy Yorkshire so I do a thing where I get the audience

to ask questions of a new guy in a relationship and they can ask whatever question they want so the Yorkshire guy asked one of the questions did he

what was it his was his was very how much money do you make but then steven yeah you're right steven was in our gigs yesterday he was in best of irish and then um best of uh best of british or best of edinburgh i think it was i love what ben's did because he did something where he'd like singing along and then, Stephen was it? Steve Bennett, yeah, yeah.

No, no, sorry, the autistic kid. Stephen was the guy in the audience and then it was Steve Bennett who got him to join in with all the stuff. Well, when I walked in,

was it Burns? He had him jumping up and down, right? So he's jumping up and down this kid and Burns, he was just like, you're looking at him

like he's weird. You're all the weird ones because you're not jumping up and down and he got everybody else to jump up and down alongside with him. Steve had done that in

so he stood up while I was on and he was like he was like I was like you okay and he goes oh I want to get a drink and I didn't know

because as you say you can't tell at all like and he was like I want to get a drink and I was like oh if you want to go get a drink

just go get a drink that's cool and then I think his mother or sister was like no no he doesn't need a drink it's okay and I was like immediately then I went

okay let's move on because it was like as you say everybody knew what was happening you know but sister was like no no he doesn't need a drink it's okay and I was like immediately then I went okay let's move on now because it was like as you say everybody knew what was happening you know but he was like he joined in so many times

it was great fun it was really good but I've been on a bit of a roll with that like we'll put me foot in it because I initially put me foot in it with him and then I put me foot in it

with the finger guy and then the next gig I saw a blind guy come in with a stick so I didn't even look at him so that's me and him squits oh my god oh back of the net but actually the guy was there

I didn't just set myself up for a great joke it actually happened alright so we're going to go to muggle corner now and we're going to stitch some muggles up now I'm going to go to Muggle Corner now. Okay. And we're going to stitch some muggles up. Now, I'm going to ask you to describe what muggle is, because we do it all the time.

We'll get repeat listeners. Everybody knows what a muggle is, but they might be the odd person. I've just tuned in now. Yeah, yeah. So go for it. Muggle is, I guess, your everyday person who does the same thing that every other person in the world does. Just know standard things, just following the sheep. Sheeple. your everyday person who does the same thing that every other person in the world does. Just know standard things,

just following the sheep. Sheeple. Sheeple. And also sheeple up, like muggles are people that use words like sheeple and mucktail. Yeah, even sheeple.

Yeah, all those things. And just doing everything the same as everybody else. Yep. It's like low programming and you find yourself slipping into this low programming every now and again and you'll find yourself doing

something muggly, you know, like with previous things in Muggle Corner I've been like having a photograph frame with love, laugh, live and you're a muggle if you ask the DJ for a song request. And if it's not like a funny song request.

If you're not taking the piss. The thing is with muggle it's we're not properly insulting you don't get butthurt if we're if we call you because we do things because we do this shit too but but um but just know that you did a muggle thing and also you can't pass them as well it's just something that you'd think maybe this isn't muggly yeah like i did a snapchat the other day and it was like some some art stuff on the side of an apartment block here and so i posted it up i mean look some art stuff on the side of an apartment block here and so I posted it up

I mean look at this art on the side of an apartment block what is that? and then it immediately deleted the next day I was like what is that? it's a terrible Snapchat muggle

terrible Snapchat right so I'll go first go on you go first muggles keep boxes boxes from the

the things that they buy oh are you muggling yourself off i'm standing there going off for 30 seconds let's let me tell this story really quickly so uh kai kept the box from the dictaphone that we record the podcast onto the box from the microphones that we are using now and also as we were writing our stuff for the podcast today he only realized at the end that the sleeve around his notebook wasn't meant to be on the whole time it was just the selling sleeve i've got all the labels on my clothes

i just love packaging yeah so like i've come to australia where like obviously when you're packing to live for three months somewhere space is key space is key space is key and I've put in a full box where we should oh my god but like that

people do keep the boxes out that was just an oversight for me I got it as a gift just before I left and I put it straight in my luggage

I hadn't opened it yet but then you even said a silly thing where you were like when we were like trying to sort out the tech difficulties today you were like

oh should have kept the box now I'm never able to figure out the microphones I was like we'll just google it that's how it works we had the answer in 10 seconds you don't even need the manual no more like people people do that like people like i think even my mom and dad do actually the muggle like you'll see like the box from the kettle yeah like weeks after they've bought a new kettle the odd time

I'll keep a box if it's like like shoe boxes you keep those because they're good for like storage and stuff you know what I mean they're a good shape

biscuit tins yeah exactly that type of shape you know what I mean like that square like you can put shit in it store it away but yeah

boxes that are very specific I guess yeah if you're keeping it for storage you know i mean i'm gonna send out an apology linda and kevin humphries because i think they just use the leg stuff like that to keep the christmas lights in yeah if you're keeping it and using it fair enough if you're keeping it because you know what some people keep it for they keep it they go well in case you have to return it that's not your receipt

that's not you don't have to return it in the whole packaging. You just return the product. Do you not? No. Because this, I thought you did, you had to have the full packaging, like, you know,

so I've always got the, I'm muggly if it comes to like, say if I've got a new PlayStation. Yeah. The box is going to be there for a little while before it hits the tip. Right.

Because I think if it spazzes out, I thought me warranty relied on it. But you know, if you've got it for like your iron or your kettle log well it's like things like whenever you return

say you're returning a jumper or a shirt or something like that and you always feel like you have to return it in the same bag from the shop that you bought it at

you know what I mean like if it's like a H&M or something you feel like you don't want to walk in with a Primark bag but now I do

now I do on purpose I'll walk in with a Topshop bag and then take a H&M thing and go I bought this here because you see them going they're ready to go it took you a top shop bug like they're ready to to say you're wrong straight away yeah that's why i like to do that you don't give a fuck you you eat big mac and burger cake i'll tell you the funny thing is i'm not even returning the top it's a lettuce straight about it from here it's a head of cabbage that's a like

that's a half if you keep the boxes because I think some people will keep them for reasons but if you're saying just to keep them then it's not a thing

I always find it difficult from tech you know when I got my new iPhone and I've kept my iPhone box every time I don't use it

for storage it's just my iPhone box do you know why you keep the but you know why you keep the iPhone box it's because it still has in the bottom part

it has the the connector like the the adapter it has the key thing yeah there's bits in there yeah keep them and it's small enough

yeah they're tiny you know what I mean that's not like it's not an Xbox box you know what I say just throw it out

well here's a funny thing my girlfriend Natalie you know went through a just throw it out well here's a funny thing my girlfriend Natalie you know went through a little spell she did it last week she threw out anything that didn't bring her joy

and she was fucking cold blooded and here you are in Australia yeah bit of matter boys bit of matter boys I didn't even notice that

I was just happily in Australia not realising that I'm part of you know you had to check in like six black bin bags of clothes going, why are we going to Australia, boys?

I just happily did it. Didn't even realize I'd been evicted. Steve Bennett, though, actually, Steve, one of the guys we're living with, who's doing shows, he bought an Xbox yesterday off somebody over here, a second-hand Xbox, and it's in the original box. Is it? Yeah, yeah. So it's for selling it on Xbox and it's in the original box is it yeah so it's for selling it on

and it's a 360 so it's for selling it on maybe maybe you're going to get way more for your Xbox if it's got the box

if it's got the box why though well not way more it was only $90 for an Xbox and 9 games that would have only been 5p if it didn't have the box

you would have to give Steve money to take it away I've done this exchange because 5p over here is about 2. box he would have to give Steve money to take it away I've done this exchange because 5p over here is about two and a half cents so he went the wrong way he screwed himself out

at $89.98 you've ruined your money yeah I'm gonna say yeah I agree yeah yeah there's no need for boxes yeah ridiculous

anything that doesn't bring you joy go do that now post the podcast go do it the fact you can listen to the podcast when you're doing it I seriously don't think you know how podcasts work so this is my uh muggles watch the red carpet of the oscars on tv uh yeah i always forget people watch that it's horrific what channel is it on i don't even

because it's such a non-entity for me like sky or it's on sky or e one of those right okay to be aware it's happening because there'll be like photographs and then there'll be yeah

stories and people tweet about it oh my god tweet somewhere where it goes on is that not like a long old night of five hours or

something like that five hours or something like that yeah it starts yeah it's televised and it's on it's definitely on I don't know if it's

on sky because sky shows the Oscars but I think I think it's on it's televised it's televised and it's definitely on I don't know if it's on Sky because Sky shows the Oscars but I think it's definitely on E because that's their bag that's what they do but yeah so many people watch that

and they're like doesn't Jennifer Lawrence look fantastic oh Bradley Cooper he's about to bring in his mother again who's she wearing yeah stuff like that

you know that's not a there's no need to watch stuff like that anymore because the next day there'll be four viral videos and that's all you needed to see. Well, isn't that like... People, I don't know if they still do,

I don't know if there's still a channel, but people used to watch Big Brother on 24 hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just as if they were like, come on, something happened. But they're going to patch it together. They're going to patch it together anyway, yeah, yeah. But I mean, where do you draw the line with that? You just go, well, some people watch the full match

when you can just watch the highlights. Yeah, but I guess the problem with the... Do you know what it's like? It's like watching Liverpool, E-Man United warming up and then not watching the game. Yeah. Watching the pitch at half time yeah instead

of watching the highlights exactly it's like you know it is it's because it's because nothing ever happens different it's the same they ask the same questions they ask what it was like to be in the movie they ask what it was like to work with that actor and that's what the warm-up is for football they do the same drills they practice they get ready whereas in a game anything can happen in the oscars anything can happen so it's just it's it's it's annoying it's just people turning up yeah you're watching people arriving you're watching

people arriving imagine going to dinner going oh the restaurant was amazing what's the best part I arrived I didn't eat but the arrival was the other customers got

out the cab made the way over if I was going to the Oscars I would 100% get an Uber there a rickshaw surge pricing basically rickshaw guys made the way over if I was going to the Oscars I would 100% get an Uber there yeah a rickshaw surge pricing

basically rickshaw guys that'll charge the fuck right get in the corner if you watch the full red carpet em

oh this is Natalie's suggestion you know I don't feel it so much but this puts you in the corner bigger than anything. Me?

Yeah, yeah. Natalie was like, oh, muggles. She's sick of people upon meeting her, like in a social situation, asking what she does as a job, like asking what she does for a living. Right, right.

And she just thinks this is so base level conversation that she's not at work now. Someone will just go, oh, so what's your job and I've seen it before when people are like oh what do you do then and you can see

I just like just almost counted ten in her head yeah I work in HR as an employment law professional or whatever

she gets to the point where she's like why am I talking about my job in a social situation why have you turned the conversation to this so soon

yeah I definitely ask people what they do the reason i put this on you is because as a compare i do it for humor yeah you do it so that you can find that you can tie it into your routines but i do i do that in normal conversation as well but what i've started doing is i well not if it started doing but i've realized that i don't i don't even it's not a thing until i've met the person four or five times. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Anymore. Well, you know what I'm really loving about being in the, I've been going to the MMA gym and doing like, Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu and stuff.

Everybody you talk to, you're talking about the sport and you've got like, you've got something in common straight away and we're talking about that shit. So yeah, external life doesn't really

come into it. Yeah. There's no like, mundane questions or like, ice breaking of getting to know each other. You're just talking about something. You're talking about something

you know you're already interested in yourself. And then when it comes up, someone just went, are you coming to jujitsu tonight as well? And then I went, no, I've got to go to work. And he's like, so what is it you're doing?

And it come up organically. And it was nice because it came up organically. I'd already built a relationship with this person and built a little bit of a rapport with them before I start using my job as my identity. Yeah, I had that with my football team. So I played with the five-a-side team I play with

and we play every week and then only after maybe six months and a couple of them knew I was a comic and then after six months one guy was like, I saw you on those ads on TV. It was amazing and so you're like

they would have been going oh that's one of the lads we play football with rather than oh that's a comedian who I happen to play football with yeah you know

and it's funny with our job as well like I do need to be asked what I do I can't just present it and I find it really weird like producing that information yeah yeah

it's really weird just slipping into conversation well I do five minutes at the top of every conversation. As well. I heard somebody ask last night, a partner of a comedian, what non-comedy thing do you do? Which I think is a really bad thing to say, isn't it?

As if you've got another job. Yeah, yeah, because I obviously do, but it's almost like looking down on it. What non-comedy thing do you do? You know what I mean? We do have another job. Yeah, yeah, because I obviously do, but it's almost like looking down on it. Like, what non-comedy thing do you do? You know what I mean? You do have another job. No, somebody asked somebody last night. I heard somebody ask a girlfriend of somebody that last night

out at a bar. I heard somebody go, what non-comedy thing do you do? To a non-comedian. To a non-comedian, yeah, yeah. So it was just that, like, we're all in comedy. What do you do? What do you do in the real world? Yeah, yeah.

Like, always putting themselves on this fucking snow globe. It's so weird it's so strange I try and I try and keep the fact that I'm a comedian to myself for a little while

and like I say like build a rapport with a person before they ever know because they they will switch a little bit so you're chatting

to someone and then all of a sudden they're like kind of looking at you for humour looking at you for humour they're a little bit more wary that they're going to be used in something yeah they're definitely kind of looking at you for humour looking at you for humour they're a little bit more wary that they're going

to be used in something yeah they're definitely a little more cagey 50% of the minimum will say tell me something funny and it's always nice

as well if you've been chatting to them for a bit first or you've known them a bit and then they say something funny and you're like I've been making you laugh

in conversation I've seen you laughing yeah I just take money out of their pocket yeah I'm going to invoice you now and I'm going to pre-invoice you for all the times I've made you laugh yeah Yeah, I just take money out of their pocket. Yeah, I'm going to invoice you now. And I'm going to pre-invoice you for all the times I've made you laugh.

Yeah, totally. I wouldn't even say just, what do you do? I mean, it's almost like... Yeah, what do you do as well? Inane chit-chat almost. That's almost like within the first couple of questions going, do you have many brothers and sisters? It's none of your business.

It's none of your business. We're doing Jager Bombs. The what do you do implies that that's your role in the world. And I know people do spend a lot of time at that job, but that's not always your identity. No, not at all. What do you do?

If someone asks what you do, you're just like, I like playing football and just start like, I read books. Yeah. Yeah, actually, that's a better way of answering. If somebody asks you from now on,

what do you do? You tell them your hobbies. Yeah. You tell them stuff you enjoy talking about. Yeah. Yeah, actually, that's a better way of asking. If somebody asks you from now on what do you do, you tell them your hobbies. Yeah. You tell them stuff you enjoy talking about. Yeah. Unless you're a comedian, then you will tell them you're a comedian. What do you do?

I go to jiu-jitsu. You fight? Oh, no, no. I just train. That pays. No, no. What are you talking about? That's what I do.

If you want to know what I get paid for, then that's that question. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean, what do I do? I go to parties. Yeah. I talk to people like you. I try to fucking escape muggles that I chat to.

That's a good one. I tell you what that's a good recommendation by Natalie. I mean that's ever since you left her she's really coming on with her writing.

She just texts us to make sure I'm okay after she's evicted us. Yeah definitely in the corner. Let me see. Muggles post obligatory airport points pictures. Yes.

Yes. And they even say, like they're trying to be ironic, obligatory points picture. Then it's like, then they check themselves in at where they're going to. You're not there yet. That's not how it works. You know, you're still in Newcastle Airport

having a pint of Nuki Brown Ale. Flying Alicante. Flying Alicante, yeah. Don't check yourself with the grease. I hate it. Yeah, there's something about that, like, because that is as well, because, I mean, I'm Muggle Corner.

I'm sure I've done it. I think I've done it on a train where I've been... I've definitely done it once. I did it once, at least I know. I've been getting the train, like, I think it was where all of you guys were already somewhere Having a drink and I'm on the train And I'm having a beer on the train

And I post a picture of me having my beer It's the same kind of thing I guess I'm not making excuses for you Because of course I will take any opportunities It's like anybody I know But that's more different because it's almost like We would have definitely posted already Because he's not here So it's almost like we would have definitely posted already because it's not here

so it would have been like more of a reaction thing like I'm on my way yeah rather than you the wheels are in motion rather than what what you're saying is

if you'd done this if you'd gone if you just put a picture of you with a can on a train going on the way to an auto that would and obviously you wouldn't have done that

it's muggly yeah yeah but I've definitely done it I did it once when I was going to but I've definitely done it I did it once when I was going to I was going to America once I did it pint of Guinness

at the gay with the ticket Guinness on the ticket it's because people do it mainly if it's like a Wednesday afternoon yeah in some way

where you wouldn't normally see I did it before it was popular did you know it's your fault you're the muggle whisperer muggle whisperer just followed your lead why don't you do this thing it's really cool Did you know? It's your fault. You're the muggle whisperer. Muggle whisperer.

Just followed your lead. Why don't you do this thing? It's really cool. Yeah. Right. So that's in the corner. So it's my last one now. Come on.

I've wrote four. I don't know why. I'm going to pick one of them and save the other one. Right. This is a... I think this is a muggle corner, but it's something that I really want to do and I wish it wasn't muggly so I could do it. Come on. Muggles wear bum bags. I've been wasn't muggly, so I could do it. Come on.

Muggles wear bum bags. I've been in America, fanny pack. I don't think they do. It's such a, oh mate, you know when you see like, a family at like,

Disneyland or whatever, and the dad's got a bum bag on, he's a proper muggle dad. Yeah, but that's definitely still like, it's still really stand out. Like, everyone's at the gym, and then all of a sudden,

this fucking muggle walks through the door, and he's got a fucking bum bag on. It's like, He's got a fucking What is he Mr Motivator The daft cunt I mean I still think I think that's way more stand out

I think you notice it way more You know what I mean Yeah I think it's still like You'd see like a funny old flatmate Walking in with a bum bag Right now You wouldn't look at him

And go fucking muggle Of course I would He'd be eating a fucking Toe sandwich Yeah Just getting it out of his bum bag Hopefully I think it's I think it's It's really and fucking mugged him. Of course I would. He'd be eating a fucking toe sandwich. Yeah. Just getting it out of his bum bag. Hopefully.

I think it's really ridiculous and really maybe geeky and nerdy. It's not ridiculous. It's so fucking cool. It makes perfect sense. It makes so much sense because I would love one just to put my phone charger in

and my toothbrush and my lint roller. Have you seen the lint roller? Have you seen the alternative one now, which is like the... It goes over your shoulder, like a wrestling belt.

A kind of knapsack. It's kind of like a flattened one, but it's essentially like just a flattened out bum bag in a different place. And that seems to be a more fashionably accessible one. That's all right.

Yeah. So it's fine to have your charger and stuff in there on your chest. Because you're wearing it like... But not on your cock. Because you're wearing it But not on your cock Because you're wearing it Like an ammo belt Yeah

I don't know I'd just love to have one I'd keep my panini stick As in it Keep my swapsies in there In case I bump into anyone My pugs Yeah well you've got to

Get yourself ready You don't want to be like You've got to keep a spare pair Of shoelaces You don't want to go into A pog battle Without your pugs on you I mean then you're just

Going to lose everything So if you had a bum bag Right now right You're going to a gig What would you keep In your bum you had a bum bag right now right you're going to a gig what would you keep in your bum bag phone

wallet because you don't need to put your wallet in your pocket basics just basics so you just put

your basics in orange apple you don't have little auxiliary items that you're like oh look orange and apple yeah puts it

through it but then for auxiliary stuff I'd have a bum bag on the back as well front and back two bum bags

why do you not wear it on the back are you meant to because it's called a bum bag on the back as well front and back two bum bags why is it not called why do you not wear it on the back are you meant to because it's called a bum bag yeah clues to the title bum bag yeah this is anarchy

should we call it a cock bag or a fanny bag or just a gentleman's bag well it's a fanny pack isn't it in America because that's what your bum is called in America I think it used to be on the back

I think people used to wear it reversed like the other way around but then they kept getting robbed on escalators I'm sick of this shit I think people used to wear it reversed, like the other way around. But then they kept getting robbed on escalators. I'm sick of this shit. As well.

But like, it's a bum bag. You wear it on the front glove box. You don't use it for gloves. You never wear a cloak room. You go to the cloak room with your cloak. You know you don't rest in a restroom. You remember a bath in the bathroom? Oh, you do.'s about a good point really oh man you don't brush your teeth with

a toothbrush brian brian was sitting there going well i've no complaints with this sentence oh there we go there it is go yeah I think you're right as much as I said not everybody does it I think you're right it is very muggly I think it's coming back as well which is making

it more muggly oh yeah that would make it more muggly if people are just following the herd yeah but man

it would be so useful why don't you just get one I'll get like a little tool kit put that in there Swiss Army knife why don't you just

get one you can do it I believe in you you're over in Australia nobody's even going to see you It would be so useful. Why don't you just get one? I'll get like a little tool kit and put that in there so it's on my knife. Why don't you just get one? You can do it. I believe in you. You're over in Australia. Nobody's even going to see you. I'm going to get one. All right.

In the corner. I'm going to get a bum bag but then I'm going to stand in the corner and look at all my stuff. This is my last one. Muggles talk about doing dry January every day. Do you know what?

Danny and Eric just brought that up in the last one. No, they did not. They did. They really did. Yeah, I listened to it today. That is funny. But let's discuss it, dry January. Oh, my God.

They ended up reverting at the New Year's resolutions and stuff. Kind of, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, New Year's resolutions, they're kind of one that's like, I'll tell you what New Year's resolutions, people say at the start, this is going to be my New Year's resolution. Then you don't hear about that New Year's resolution for three months

or you don't hear about it again if they've given it up or you hear at the end of the year this is my New Year's resolution this is how I did but dry January is one month and they don't shut up about it

every day still dry January oh I got so much done today oh my god blah blah blah yeah and then February comes and they just piss heads again yeah what's the point then

like you know what I mean like how much how little restraint do you have that you have to allocate what's the point then like you know what I mean like how much how little restraint do you have that you have to allocate that amount of days off like you know just instead

just have two beers on a Tuesday I was probably mocking the dry January thing by posting pictures of me beer yeah

I was with Ricketts and I was just like same here same me just like fuck off for that bullshit Marcus O'Leary did a Snapchat the other day

I showed you this and he Marcus O'Leary is a Snapchat the other day I showed you this and he Marcus O'Leary is a DJ chef comedian in Dublin and he did a post

the other day which is like dry January's going really well and then I had to repost with that picture going I've drank with this

man three times this year you're doing it because you think people are going to agree like oh yeah man you've got so much

resolve I was like I was only in the country for nine days and I drank with you for three of them. So because that's a repeat one, let's just quickly, have we got time? Yeah, it's five minutes left,

so we'll do the dad jokes on it. Just so there's a fresh one on for the listeners. People turn the telly off at the wall. Oh, God, that's annoying. Or they microwave off at the wall. Oh, my God. When people turn off at the wall, and then they go, well, it's actually,

somebody said to me once they go when your telly's on standby it actually uses more power than if you've got the TV on I was like

how do you think that makes any sense how do you think it makes any sense at all are you trying to piss Brian off oh my god

do you think if you lick a sandwich it's more calories than if you eat the sandwich shut the fuck up like that annoys me so much

yeah I just think like just to when you sit down and use the remote oh the whole point of being a remote is that it's remote and then you have to go up like it's the fucking 1500s that's what it is turn it on at the wall it's a throwback to people not understanding electricity like it's magic it makes no sense i hate that yeah i hate that so much and then and

then people also go it's in case there might be a fire yeah but there might be a fire anyway like it's very unlikely it's going to come from that. Yeah, everything's got its own standby mode now. You don't need to turn shit off at the wall. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Fucking, what, with a fridge? You better eat all that food because we're turning the fridge off for an hour.

Every time you go to bed, every time you leave the room. Every time you go to bed. There's just puddles every morning. I can't work it out yeah definitely in the corner alright

that's a good one so let's wrap this up with our favourite game your dad jokes I'm going to try and my writing is so terrible hopefully I can read

them properly that's on your iPhone notes don't try and Kai Humphries me. I think the listeners have heard about us doing that before. Are you waiting for me? No, I thought you were going first.

Oh man, let's do it. You're the host with the most. Your dad didn't like it when there was a toy in his cereal. He preferred to collect the tokens and then send off for the toy. Your dad would never have to re-record a podcast as he would always do tests for all the equipment beforehand twice. Fuck.

I wish I was his son. I wish he was my real dad. Your dad Sky Pluses movies so that he can fast forward through the film and watch all the adverts. You know what's funny? This is going to be one of my last ones but because of all the adverts. You know, it's funny. This is going to be one of my last ones

but because of what you just said, I'll put it in now. Your dad was certain he wasn't your dad but rather than get a paternity test, he decided to raise you anyway instead of creating a fuss.

That's why I'm shit with podcasts. You can't even guarantee this one's going to work. I'm checking the battery on it because if the battery runs out, it will lose everything we're recording. Your dad has been emailing back and forth with a Nigerian prince and he's just sent £3,000 for the legal fees so they can release his $10 million.

That's fair enough. That's fair enough. That sounds like the right percentage. It's a box. Your dad swipes right on all the girls on Tinder just to be polite. dad swipes right on all the girls on tinder just to be polite your dad takes off his wedding ring for the school run in case he bumps into any yummy mummies your dad's favorite fizzy drink is caffeine-free diet coke your dad puts a newspaper down on the kitchen floor and kills out of shit when your mom's hugging the the bathroom. Your dad is so convinced that NutriBullets are a healthy way to eat food that he blends whole pizzas to

drink. He misses the point. Full pizza smoothie. Your dad was one of the blokes in the viral video where that girl in my gloves sucked all those dicks but she didn't suck his dick because she's got standards

he just stood there with it out just filming she was like no mate no mate I'm not a slut I'd never go 59 gogs your dad saves up all the nuts and bolts left over from

Ikea furniture building just in case I think he probably does puts them in a drawer puts them in a storage box

in a shoe box in a kettle in a kettle box not in a kettle what's this say your dad wears his tie really short with a massive knot

like he did in school but for weddings and funerals and it's still his school tie your dad only gets a six inch soap in Subway I do you get a foot long

everybody gets a foot long can I just have a slice of bread in that please no no no no other fillings just a slice of toast toast in the bread are you sure no one does this

apparently everyone does it I'm the mug your dad sneaks into massage parlours sedates the masseuse with a chloroform rag and then massages our clients your dad has soya milk and a cereal so do you sedates the masseuse with a chloroform rag and then massages our clients. Your dad has soya milk on his cereal.

So do you. No, I don't. You just had some in your tea? Normal milk. You're not a milky, are you? No, just normal milk. I'm not a milky. That's a milky.

Like a vegan. That's what he drinks, milk. Are you a vegan that milks cows? A vegan that milks cows? What are you talking about? You're a vegan that drinks milk? A vegetarian that drinks milk, yeah.

Oh, vegetarians can drink milk. Yeah, vegans don't drink milk. Oh. Thanks for ruining that, though. So confusing. Jeez,

stepping all over my punchline. It's insensitive. I'm a vegetarian. That fucking lack of good food you get makes you fucking antsy.

Is that a mistake? I'm fucking... Your dad doesn't's a mistake. Your dad doesn't have a mattress. He just lies on the wooden lats. Hey, your dad watches movies with the subtitles on. English ones. Every time your dad has a wank,

he stops just before coming, slaps himself in the face and shouts, naughty boy, and then leaves Nando's oh god the old switcheroo yeah and then I got off the bus yeah yeah

your dad lost his virginity to someone he really cared about such a loser so that is that's the end of Muggins' first podcast without cream yeah

with one sugar yeah one sugar Muggins no cream one sugar Muggins cream one sugar on our anniversary as well on our

Facebook anniversary on our bay-niversary so we are in Australia and I know people listen to this in Australia yep so we're gonna be

in a city near you either now or coming soon yeah Perth Adelaide Melbourne So we're going to be in a city near you, either now or coming soon. Yeah, Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne. So we're in Perth right now, both Andrew Stanley is the name of the guest, and he will be on... Best of Irish,

during the whole Fringe World, and then a solo show at the end in Black Flamingo is the name of the venue, in the Pleasure Gardens, for like, from Valentine's Day, Tuesday the 14th to February 19th sweet

and I'll be on in Perth in Best of British at 9.15 in the Court Hotel and then I will be on it's 5.45

on my solo show on intermittent days go on the Fringe World website and find out the days that I'm on it's every other day and I think more likely as well we're going to be on

the same shows in Melbourne yeah yeah because we're being brought up by the same shows in Melbourne yeah yeah because we're being brought up by the same guy yeah so we'll be doing shows together in Melbourne so we're in Adelaide next

so we're here for four weeks then Adelaide for four weeks then we're going to be in Melbourne for four weeks but we'll have more podcasts look all up if you're in Australia chances are we're going

to be passed through well no not really it's huge well it's big yeah we're going to be in three cities oh yeah I'm not going

to like gig at Ayers Rock yeah we're not going to like walk down we're hitting some of the main spots there's an apologies to people who live in Ayers Rock we we're going to be in three cities oh yeah I'm not going to like gig at Ayers Rock yeah we're not going to like walk down we're hitting some of the main spots there's an apologies to people who live in Ayers Rock

we're not going to be there or Sydney Brisbane Canberra tons of places the capital I'll be honest it's likely you won't see us

yeah but you know what I mean just drive to Perth if you're in Sydney so there's that and also you can buy my you can buy my solo shows off my website www.kaihunfries.com If you're in Sydney. So there's that. And also, you can buy my solo shows off my website,

www.kaihomfries.com. So that's a plug for that as well. Good plug. It's a good plug, isn't it? Loved it. My favorite plug. Really great shows. Best show I've ever watched.

Best plug I've ever plugged. You didn't plug it? Plug, plug. He's just saying plug now until it's not a word. Plug. Right. Plug your ears.

There's nothing left to hear. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been Muggins and Sugar. No cream.