Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.3 Get in the corner, Muggles

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

Muggins (straight up gangster) and Cream (owns a trolley token) have laid down another badass hardcore podcast for your audio delights. Insert this into your head via your ears right this very minute. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

We're in the same seats. That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magic bean cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

We are back. It is... They've just hit our first jingle. Oh, yeah. Thank you. We didn't hear it just then, but... We've added it in, probably. Thank you to Richard Massara,

our lovely friend, who made us that little jingle at the start. Dick Massager. Dick Massager. Dick Massager making us a lovely jingle so we can seem more like a professional podcast. The one thing that does not make us seem like a professional podcast yet, despite the fact that we did manage to get it on iTunes, is the fact that we're still coming out of one ear if you're listening on headphones. I've not worked out how to change it.

Oh, no, I've done it. Have you? I've fixed it, yeah. Podcast two was in both years was it yeah because podcast one to our average listeners uh you would have me in one year and daniel in the other i mean i still believe that it might be on the case because in which case like it's it's it's shit if you're in the gym and you're just doing one one year in because then you've just got me chatting shit in one year or you with a ridiculous

accent you just say cuddled up with a bird. She's got one ear piece in, you've got the other ear piece in. You're laughing at separate bits. She's enjoying, yeah, you switch over, it's like, yeah,

halfway through, you're like, you want a bit of Kai? Yeah, no, Daniel's been too funny to like a rest, but Kai.

Kai's giving my dad some grief. So we're back for episode three of Sloths and Humphreys On the road Muggins and Cream Hitting the airwaves Yes mate Back in your ears

Both of them Both of them's to This time Muggins sorted out the ear Am I coming out your Muggins ear right now Your cream ear Am I coming in your

Cream ear Cream in your That sounds like it would Be an actual fetish What cream in your ear Just none in the ear No just I guarantee if you type in To fucking Pornhub or LobsterTube Or anything like that If you type in like it would be an actual fetish what creaming in your ear just none in the ear no just I guarantee

if you type into fucking Pornhub or LobsterTube or anything like that if you type in creamier a porn comes up creamier

creamier right why don't you guys go and check that and let us know how it goes and there's another hybrid version

there's a musical one called Creamier River no stuff like that little jokes like that little zingers little zingers

we are bringing these fucking zingers live from Drewie's Inn hotel room in Nottingham oh yeah there's one more thing

to say but yeah we're in Nottingham we just done Watercart Centre in Coventry so first of all thank you

to everyone who came out to our shows this week we're fucking great yeah it's been good fucking shows yeah very good shows good venues good audiences great crowds and also thank you to everyone who came out to our shows this week. We're fucking great. Yeah, it's been good fucking shows. Yeah, very good shows.

Good venues, good audience. great crowds. And also, thank you very much to everyone who's listened. We got far more people listening than we fucking expected for the first

two episodes. Yeah, I just thought it would be like my girlfriend and I. Just your girlfriend and my mum. Yeah.

Same person. Yeah, don't know less. It's just going to be awkward when I call you daddy during sex now, if that's true. It's getting incestuous. That's where we're not going. We'll be doing a gig here tomorrow. And then we have three days off where we go back up to Scotland

where we are going to spend all of Tuesday and Wednesday playing Gears of War. Oh, yeah, Gears of War 4 is out. Oh, mate. Split screen. Can you say Gears of War again in and Wednesday playing Gears of War. Oh yeah, Gears of War 4 is out. Oh mate. Split screen. Can you say Gears of War again in your accent? Gears of War 4? Gears of War 4 is out.

Oh mate, I'm kind of excited for Gears of War 4. So we're going to go split screen. I'll run in with a shotgun while you stay back with a sniper rifle.

I'm picking him off. Cream in the background. Muggin's running in. Muggin's chugging in. Muggin's getting right in the mix. Muggin's in in. Muggin's chugging in. Muggin's getting right in the mix. Muggin's in the mix. Chainsaw on his gun. I don't know if...

We've been quieter in the hotel room than we were in the living room on the last two podcasts because we've been in trouble before when we were on the phone and we had a complaint for a neighbour. We weren't recording anything. Hold on, hold on.

No, no, hold on. As the neutral in this story allow me to tell a new fuck you and then stand up for the boys you made

so we're in a hotel can't remember where it was you, me and Ali we'd just been at Joel Darmitt's parents house and they'd given us a fucking petrol can of homemade cider

yes because I'm from Bristol aren't they I get some scrumpy while you're in Bristol Joel Darmitt's mum I know she's not listening but if anyone knows her whenever we stay's a part of, get some scrumpy while you're in Bristol. Oh, Joel Domet's mum, I know she's not listening, but if anyone knows her,

whenever we stay with Joel Domet's parents and tour when we're in Bristol, she hooks us up. Yeah. She washes our clothes. She makes us delicious homemade food. His dad makes us go and chop wood. Yeah, I chop a lot of wood up.

I stockpile them for the winter. There's some warm Domet right now, because of me. So they could make some boiling hot, piping hot cider. So we're drinking away in the room, and we are being a bit loud, a given. Yeah, there's just a lot of me talking and Danny laughing. And then there's a... And someone just here through the wall goes,

you fucking can't... Now, this is the first point of interaction. So I'm like, oh, clearly we've been too loud. But we're going to keep being loud. So what we should do is we should just go down to the reception, the lobby, and just drink in this sort of bar place. And just as we're about to leave, the phone rings. And it's reception.

And they're like, Mr. Sloss, we've had a noise complaint. And I was just like, that's absolutely fine. We were being a bit loud. We're on our way down to the bar anyway. But that was the first warning. But we fully agree apologies, we walk down and then this man comes fucking storming past us as we're walking down the corridor and I'm like, I bet that's the guy

and just as we go by I'm like, hey buddy it was us and the noise and I'm really sorry because you fucking bunch of noisy cunts I've got a pregnant wife and he's like, no, fuck, you're too fucking loud and storms away and I'm like we were just bludgers and he's like no fuck you're too fucking loud and storms away and I'm like

well he was a lovely man get down to the lobby drink in there he then storms back and starts being like I want a move room I want a move room I want a move room

I've got a pregnant wife we'd already dealt with that problem we would have sat down I fully believe his level of anger was just heightened by the fact that he'd probably been more

woken up but he's got a fucking pregnant wife it's a stressful point in his life she's probably only just got to sleep for the first time I fully believe his level of anger was just heightened by the fact that he'd probably been more woken up. But he's got a fucking pregnant wife. It's a stressful point in his life. She's probably only just got to sleep for the first time. We were fully in the wrong, but we were making amends. And I'm like, buddy, you don't need to move rooms.

We're going to stay in. And he's like, no, you'll go back and be noisy. I'm like, look, tell you what. You don't move rooms. You have a pregnant wife. You stay there. We'll move rooms. And we won't even go back into it.

We'll change rooms. They can go get our luggage and move us into a separate room upstairs there won't be any noise and at this point he calms down and I'm like is that right? He's like yeah no I'm really sorry man. I'm like no no no I fully understand but you've got to understand that you didn't talk to us you didn't ask us to give you down your first point of contact

which is you're a fucking cunt which where you come from is fighting talk which is why the next part of the story happened. Which is, I'm just literally finished defusing this bomb. Like, the guy's apologising, he's now apologising for swaying, and we're having a bit of a laugh. And then you come in, and go, hey mate, and I'm like, this is the other guys,

and you went, fair play. You went, I'm really sorry, man, we were being too loud. And he went, went yeah don't worry about it and then you went because i'll be honest with you last time someone called me a fucking cunt they got knocked the fuck out i'm just confused and he's like what he goes are you being defensive but like somebody really like no no no like not a bad one but just like be less of a dick otherwise i'll knock you the fuck out well it's like that road rage thing isn't it

like people will toot their horn and shout when they're in the car but they'll not talk you're like that to your face and he was like through the protection of banging on a wall like in Cold War

cunt through a wall I just thought I'd like just put it into reality that you're a person I'm a person you just called me a cunt so I'll just let you know that that's not acceptable

to open a gambit like opening a gambit with someone. I imagine that we should open it on Tinder. You fucking cunt. You fucking cunt. Your first interaction with someone should never be that. You should always, like, assess the situation first. Yeah, but it would be weird if he just started banging on the wall.

He's like, hello. I'm your next door neighbour. Just to let you know. Like a nice Canadian guy. Keep the noise down, eh? That wasn't Canadian. Or just to, you know like a nice Canadian guy like keep the noise down eh that wasn't Canadian or just or just yeah

the fact that you said eh at the end you were just like this saves it eh whatever you do your Jamaican accent it's just your one

but you say man after everything I am off to the shops man Jamaican and Geordie is quite similar anyway who had to say bacon

no hold on is this right I don't know if I'm man this could be so wrong if you say beer can

in a Geordie accent you say bacon in a Jamaican accent oh beer can yeah beer can but it doesn't have to be in a Geordie accent does it

beer can no beer can is just anything it was like that one that really fucked me up was the if you say space ghetto

like an American like an American Like an American it sounds like Spice Girls in a Scottish accent Space Ghetto Space Ghetto Space Ghetto Space Ghetto

It totally did that It fucked me up for days So say Who's your favourite Space Ghetto? Who's your favourite Space Ghetto? Sporty Ghetto Who's your

What the fuck are you doing? Did this malfunction? That did I'm going to have to turn you off then back on again Just turn you on Turn you on this Hotel room

We're going to be Banging against their wall Come and join us I was calling him a cunt This is what I say to him I'm degrading him She's like We should have banged

An apology back through Shut the fuck up Sorry Sorry dude We'll try and keep it down Apologies Ten minutes later bangs an apology back through. Shut the fuck up! Sorry! We'll try and keep it down! Apologies! Ten minutes later, you guys are asleep! I've cleared the bar bill for you. I went down and

cleared your tab at reception. So this guy then gets on the fucking defensive after you've thrown him. He's like, well, no, no. You're like, no, no, no. And then he gets angry again, and I'm just there after you've thrown him, he's like well no no you're like no no no, and then he gets angry again and I'm just there like you motherfucker and he's like well why don't we take this outside then and you went okay

and you walked straight outside stood outside the doors, he walked there got to like the where the automatic doors were on the inside reassessed the situation your watch was coming off his let's take this outside then was so hollow automatic doors were on the inside, reassessed the situation. You were like, your watch was coming off. Yeah, his let's take this outside then was so hollow.

It's such a hollow, like, let's take this outside. Oh, no, I don't want it to go like that. Oh, this is not how I want to go. Oh, you out-alfied me, you win. You've got this one. So what you do is you just go, all right then. And there's no way he's ever going to go ahead with that fight. So he then gets to gets to there reassesses the situation then comes back in and says that he wants to phone the police because he's being threatened which he no you got called on your shit yeah he invited me outside

and then uh well because if that's not a threat for violence if he thinks this stuff from his outside was just like come on talk with us some fresh air all right let's take a breather my name's darren my wife's pregnant how are you oh congratulations take yourself it just takes you to look at the stars oh it doesn't really put into context how pointless how pointless this this little tiff between us is yeah how about you leave your pregnant wife and run away with me i'm gonna name that one after you The Big Dipper So you think That star remains me It's fucking massive

It's going to explode soon It actually died a long time ago But we can still see the light The Red Dwarf In a couple of years Or in a couple of days She's going to be a massive black hole That's awful

But funny So yeah He starts coming in Complaining that He's been threatening stuff And then I've got to go To full bomb defuse And what to get

And be like Hey man Just go Yeah no no no Come on go on I've got to go get you And eventually He did He did kiss and make up Didn man just go yeah no no come on go on I can go get you and eventually he did

he did kiss and make up didn't he yeah I done the head tilt I did but you both

did the head tilt and put every lips for that bottle too yeah you balled out I couldn't close the last

inch you know I just hovered my lips in the arm he cheeked you he had the

back of his neck as well like really romantically. Hollywood, full Hollywood, like had his ear cupped in my hand. You text him five minutes afterwards and it said like red at 2.06 in the morning, but it was like 4am in the morning and he was online. So he's like read it, but he's just not replying. He's just sitting there nervous.

Why has he not replied? He says he's been online. And he must be busy. With his wife so yeah so hopefully no one will be banging on the walls today how long is that

is that enough yeah well I mean we can go into chats between games but I feel like they've been working for us we've had a lot

of positive feedback let's chuck a game in so three little games shall we do muggle corner yeah that's more conversational isn't it

aye it's a good conversational game I'm going to have a good little chat with my buddy Cream if you're some

weirdo who's just joined in on the third episode and just been like I can't possibly catch up on the previous tour Muggle is

obviously a derogatory term in me and Kai's lexicon we know it means non-magical person in the Harry Potter season series even it basically is just a term for a in me and Kai's lexicon, we know it means non-magical person in the Harry Potter season

series even, it basically is just a term for a low functioning socially low functioning human I would say yeah, like where the creativity is turned down to one but we all have a muggle moment, you can be a full muggle and you can also be, nobody's ever not had

muggle moments like, an example of a muggle conversation is that type of thing being like i'll tell you what the other day i'll get this right went to this restaurant new one down the street just the loveliest steak i've ever had i swear like melted on like you know when it's a good steak it's like a really it just melts tender i was just it was like it fell off it fell off of the book even though it wasn't a tea bun it fell off of the book the only complaint i've got about that place is you have to pay extra for the sides. Yeah. You're not just going to buy a steak on its own.

You have to pay extra for it, and it all adds up. It's just horseradish and stuff, and then you've got to get a pint. It was a Sunday. It was like, I thought I'd treat yourself. I have a fixed menu. Well, because if you don't treat yourself, who will? He certainly won't treat me. Not the mood he's been in recently.

But he's been decorating at the minute. Oh, he's got a lot on his hands. He's going to do the porch. We've had to go and buy a dado rail from B&Q. Fucking muggles. Just fucking walk into the sea. Have a little swim. Just have a little swim in the sea.

And then come back in traffic. Don't go about too far. It's choppy. Just go and get your ankles wet. So Muggle Corner is essentially a thing where we Nominate and potentially Debate something we think belongs in the Muggle Corner Which is just something we think is just A very

We've got stuff that we've been guilty of as well Like I suggested last week that being a Muggle Is going to the DJ booth to make a request For a song And we'll both admit that we've done it before We've both been muggles but you've just got to admit you're a muggle in that situation

okay my first one and a perfect example is something I'm also guilty of this is embarrassing queuing and dressing up for movies like you know when the new Star Wars is coming out people like queue outside for the day of the fucking premiere and like they dress up as the day of the fucking premiere.

And, like, they dress up as the things, like, Harry Potter. I just feel like overnight camp. Like, Ticketmaster exists. You join the festival feeling of a movie rather than just watching a film. But, like, you can book tickets. Like, anyone that's, like, queued outside to get into Star Wars, you can book online. Like, what are you doing? Like, ages ago, before the internet, totally acceptable. But now, when you can book online, what are you doing? Ages ago before the internet Totally acceptable But now

When you can book up What are you doing? Fucking mug Just refresh your screen Just to take it to the boat And come out It's not even like a midnight one It probably opens at 8

And if you want the experience Just set a tent up in your house And just bring your laptop in the tent It's got 9 cinemas in there There's going to be You're not going to miss it When was the last time A fucking movie sold out?

And you've also queued For computer games Oh queued for computer games oh queuing for computer games wait no no

I'm just saying like is that the same thing I mean probably to people that don't game maybe again this proves the

hypocrisy of it because people who love the movies obviously queue I've queued for every Halo game you know what's funny there's people

that aren't into the computer games that don't like Grand Theft Auto or whatever and they'll like pull up to the supermarket at night just to buy groceries right and then Auto or whatever, and they'll pull up to the supermarket at night just

to buy groceries, right, and then see the queue form and they'll go, oh, they're so sad. But then if you get really into it, they're not sad, they're very happy. They're really happy, they're excited, they've got this sense of anticipation, and you're like, oh, they're sad, as if their life's miserable. I genuinely, Halo 3

came out during my exams in like fourth year of high school dick move by whoever made that game me and Ali

went to the midnight launch didn't get home till half past one bought like a fucking crate of Lidl's Red Bull

and stayed up I thought you were going to be like I've got loads of booze no no we had school we had school next day

so I was fucking drinking drinking drinking all these fucking red filters until eight in the morning then got our bus to school and just slept

in every fucking class shit failed my exams failed your exams and now look here but the thing I am guilty of was not that

which is I don't know if you know this about me and this is horrific When the first Harry Potter movie came out I was a big Harry Potter fan and I was reading all the reviews for what was happening in America and in America they had the big screenings

and people went and they were dressed up as the characters and I naively assumed that Dunfermline in Scotland would have the same attitude. So do I. You fucking teeing up dressed as Dumbledore.

Harry, obviously, first of all, dyed my hair black and drew a fucking scar. You drew a scar on your head. Man, how did my dad make me a broom out of a tree? Well, if it helps, I inadvertently went as Ron Weasley. Everyone asking for the photo with us,

and I'm just like, I'm just dressed normal. This is how I roll around. I've genuinely never told this. This is one of the most embarrassing things. You know when you just wish you could go back in time and kick your own fucking head? Man, you turned up with a fancy dress when the party wasn't fancy dressed, didn't you?

I wasn't even 12. I was 15. Which one was it? Which movie? I think it was the... Was it one? The first one? It was the first one.

So people hadn't even... Because the majority of people in Dermaline probably hadn't read the books. Or learned to read. So it was just there. They were just there for the moving images. Oh, it's all brand new. There's no hype train.

Like, imagine just some generic movie that like has just come out you go dressed like what did we go to watch today yesterday that really shit thing

the two cops war on everyone war on everyone gosh I didn't think it was gash I didn't think it was great

mate genuinely put me headphones in started listening to an audio book in the cinema and what audio book were you listening to

Harry Potter I had to come full circle motherfucker in started listening to an audio book in the cinema and what audio book were you listening to Harry Potter I had to come full circle motherfucker I was listening to the Order of the Phoenix Stephen Fry tickling my ears for those of you

that don't know Kai has never read the Harry Potter books before or seen the movies and I am a I'm a big old Hazzapazza fan

and the Cursed Child is now a theatre show down in London which I fucking desperately want more than anything I fucking love the theatre

by the way you do love the theatre I put road tickets every time I'm just there so I'm making them read the books for the first time

and then watch the movies and then we're going to go together at Christmas and treat ourselves to part one and part two of Cursed Child are you enjoying the Hazzapazza series so far?

I'm fucking loving it man it's a magical universe. It's really good. I like it. I'm on board. I love that muggle in my lexicon because we've been using it to talk about muggles who we all know on this podcast.

But I hadn't heard it used for non-wizard. Yeah, you'd never heard it in content. When they said Hermione's parents are both muggles, I'm like, that's fucking harsh. Jesus, being a dick. Fucking hell, it's a children's book. But on that note, I really wish that I'd been using the word wand for cock.

Because, man, she means it. There was one of them where it was like, he had a sleek black wand. Let's just say cock, because that's what she means. he had a sleek black wand let's just say a cock because that's what you mean he had a sleek black cock just like his father's cock if harry could remember what was the other one he shoved his wand in the the troll's nostril he stuck his wand up the troll's nostril now i haven't been calling it a wand but I also haven't been calling a fanny a troll's nostril but I am now if we play newphemisms

we've got a game today but if we do newphemisms for vagina troll's nostril would be straight in at number one put your wand in the troll's nostril if you know what I mean he shoved his cock back in his robes shoved his wand back in his robes shoved his cock back in the robes and shoved his wand back in his robes, shoved his cock back in the robes

and tried to act innocent. And I'm like, she means it. These can't be coincidence. Use your wand, Harry. Use your cock, Harry. The white steps didn't exit into Harry's wand. Oh, they expect no patronum. He shook it vigorously.

I mean, this is two people I don't think you'd ever expect to be big Hazzapazza fans but here you go and we honour everyone with Muggle Corner speaking of which

queuing queuing for cinema and stuff are we agreeing this belongs in Muggle Corner yes absolutely yeah rocking up

in fancy dress when nobody else is proper Muggle Corner from like a series that hasn't kicked off yet like there's no hype train on Harry Potter 1 like I was saying

it's like going dressed as a cop to see that film that we saw yesterday just a nothing film so what you're saying is I dress up as a character for a film that no one's seen yet

that makes me hipster and then the fact that hipsters only came out in the past five years that makes I was being a hipster before even being a hipster was cool

ultra hipster ultra hipster I am king hipster I'm definitely not I fucking hate hipsters Can you turn your phone on Fucking silent You dumb cunt

I'm not I ain't going Don't read it It's Chris Martin Coldplay Connected Oi We're doing a fucking podcast cunt

Alright I'm done I'm trying to turn on It's your fucking Muggle corner thing Yeah so you're Okay you're a muggler If you're cute For

That shit Mine is Keeping the new fiver Keeping my back fucking muggle corner thing yeah so you're okay you're a muggler if you're cute for that shit mine is keeping the new fiver keeping one back that's I've not even got one yet but yeah keeping it back

like thinking I'm not going to spend that one I'm going to keep that in my wallet and then you're like you have to break you're like

oh have you got any coins you got any coins I don't want to use my new fiver stop being a muggle you'll be a little bit disappointed when you get a second one

because you've lost the novelty right well no because even then when because we it's the money

Australia's got so it's the new yeah Britain finally has this five pound which is like the indestructible ones where you're like

you can't tear it it's machine washable and they roll up real neat great for coat roll up real tight and they spring back out so you don't look like

a drugger the next time you're at the shop nothing worse than unrolling a ten pound note at the kiosk Great for court Roll up real tight And then spring back out So you don't look like a druggy Next time you're at the shop Nothing worse than Unrolling a ten pound note At the kiosk To buy scratch cards I hope I can afford some more after this

Then again I will agree with you That it's very marketing I'll probably do that The thing I'm most excited about I've got some of your own Do you have one on you? Yeah, I sell you one.

You're a business man. I had... The thing I really enjoy is... Obviously, we're now going through this change with money where ours is becoming sort of plastic like Australia's. The one thing, and this might sound harsh, I'm genuinely excited for when the Queen dies. Oh, there you go.

Oh, old Churchill's on it. There you go. Sorry to cut you off there. There's a fucking... You excited for the the queen dies? Oh, there you go. Oh, old Churchill's on it. There you go. Sorry to cut you off there. There's a fucking yeah. You excited for the queen to die?

Well, excited for the queen to die because we belong to a generation where we get to see the money change. And when we get a new king or queen,

whoever the fuck it is, the next one, if it's Harry or William. So do they just spit out the, like, now you're gone, do they let it go

cold? Day off. Do you and the funeral? Would you reckon they just do out the, like, now you're gone, do they let her go cold? Day of. Due in the funeral. Would you reckon they just do one last minting, but of her actual face? Yeah. They just, like... Just do it in a photocopier.

Just take her body over to the photocopier. Put the cord in. Put it sideways. Put it sideways. Like a fucking prison snapshot. Yeah. Just wedge her head underneath the little lid. Even though the lid's probably doing nothing at this point with her head in. But she's dead, who cares? Put the just wedge her head underneath the little lid even though the lid's

probably doing nothing at this point with her head in but she's dead who cares put the lid on her head press down on the lid the queen's just

and then when it comes through it's all mushed up like you know and you press your face against a glass patio window and um yeah so she'll just be on the money like that

if that's the final minute then that's fine but no like when we get a new king like it's gonna be the money because it's every year it's the new it's the new monarch so that's fine. Little dead queen. Like when we get a new king, like it's going to be the money because every year it's the new monarch. So we get to live for a generation

where fucking new money. So what was the, was there not a money change when old Betty got in like? When did old Betty get in? I don't know, like 1500s? Yeah,

see I wasn't around when she wasn't. She's been queen longer than I've been queen she's been queen enough for a long time do you know she opened the leisure centre where I worked

Concordia Leisure Centre the queen opened it in 1977 did she I feel like there's a shit punchline coming no come along

Cromlin come to Cromlin and be like I've got a busy schedule ahead just to see how the other half live. Yeah, just going to step into that place where the mains are about to get shut down.

Did she go for a swim? At the pool? Aye. At the fucking bowling creek? She didn't bring her goggles. She didn't want to get chlorine in her eyes. Aye, that's fair. I will agree with you.

Keeping the £5 note back is a muggly thing to do. I know you're excited, but it's just money grow up. My second nomination from Muggle Corner is Have tattoos of quotes. Oh, yeah. And I don't care what it is, even if it's a funny one. Love, laugh, live. Love, laugh, live. Where a funny one Love, Laugh, Live Love, Laugh, Live

where like a bible quote pisses me off but like that's my favourite author's quote just remember it that's fucking Marilyn Monroe if you can't handle me

at my worst you don't deserve me at my best just stop being a psychopath you didn't give us that shit alright if you can't handle me at my worst go and tell me

because I don't want to lose you if I can't handle you at your worst, I don't want you at your best. It's a front. You're faking. You're a big liar. You're at your best just covering up like you're a psychopath. Can I get a tattoo of your skin, you muggle? We've both got tattoos.

Three each. So I've got a naughty boy's tattoo because I'm a naughty boy. so I've got a naughty boys tattoo because I'm naughty boys me and Carl Donnelly got fucking hammered in Melbourne every single night

in the in the in the Adina Hotel where all the comedians stay the rest of the comics were getting up for breakfast

and having like early mornings talking about the shows being very professional and me and Carl Donnelly and Jimmy McGee were all coming in hammered like at the end

of the night sometimes when they got in from breakfast and having shots with him and having a shot at breakfast. So they started calling us the Naughty Boys. And on the last day we were like, oh, shall we get Naughty Boys tattoos? And they were impressed with the brunch club.

And we got NB tattooed on my shoulders, which I'm showing you there. And it wasn't until I got home, my girlfriend reminded me that my ex-girlfriend's name is Nicola Beatty. So I got my ex-girlfriend's initials tattooed on my shoulder. Also, all of that story

is if you don't know, if you didn't see you and Carl Donnelly going out and acting the way you did, that is such a muggle thing to do as well. Oh, we got marching tattoos of our nicknames. You fucking muggles. You muggles. Just. You fucking muggles.

Just be properly muggles. Boys on tour. Lads, lads, lads. No carbs before Benadarbs. Muggle corner for tattoos of quotes. Yes. I'm going to go with there's a word that's been bothering me that's

been getting used a lot lately and that is cockwomble right okay and what the reason i'm bringing that up is because somebody once said cockwomble and it was funny right and then somebody heard that and was like oh i'm gonna use it but now it's getting to the point where people are saying it hoping that their their audience is hearing it for the first time so they can get credit for creating this like beautifully concise insult

nobody's nobody's nobody's tagging their sources nobody's giving credit to the artist it's like a hard such a cockwomble and you're there

in your head going yeah I've kind of seen that a dozen times off different people now don't throw it out there like it's fucking brand new you didn't create that you haven't got the you have a lot of

facilities it is a good by that logic though it is a good marker of finding out if someone's a muggle like if someone says in conversation

oh he's just David Cameron is such a cockwombo in my head I go like oh you're an idiot like you're just new to this thing that I knew two years ago

again hipster a new cockwombo I'm better at that actually I also think it's just bunch of swear words like my favorite one me my dad loves swearing uh my mom fuck off god um he fucking trolls nostril i love my mom um me my dad loves swearing've got a conversation like our favourite swear words but we love

my mum's favourite thing is combining swear words but I think we've found the worst one which is bass fucking tard you're such a bass fucking tard but it just works as either it's like two swear words or it's you fish fucking moron yep I like it, you fish fucking moron.

Yeah, I like it. You're making a scotch egg. It's like you've got the one in the middle that's the swear word and then the outside ones which is the swear word. You know what a scotch egg is. Oh no, describe it further please. You're an egg.

Scotch and egg. Hit the road. Muckets of cream, scotch and egg. the road Muggins and cream scotch and egg Who's inside who And one of them's crummy One of them smells of egg Oh that's definitely you Yeah no I'll give you cockwomble

Thanks My third and final one From Muggle Corner is people who change their fucking profile pics with whatever that fucking Facebook thing of the week is. Whether it's the Star Wars one. Rainbow, Tricolour.

I know the Tricolour one. No, I will admit, I've done the Tricolour one. The Australian for, because they're doing the plebiscite about whether gay marriage should be legal. I do them I did that one but just because it's an image of you

me and Nick Cody and I thought it was just a clever joke of being like I support gay marriage here's me and two men I would marry like

we're all to flex and stuff we're all to flex and stuff we're all to flex and stuff we're all to flex and stuff

and then I got fake tattoos on like a lot of muggles yeah oh total and then because like all of my gay friends in Australia they were doing it and they were putting up with them and their partner and i saw

like seven of like this like lesbian couples and gay couples doing it and making this statement i was like i'll be funny if i join in and just ruin it like a dick and it was but i mean like after the fucking horrible parachute when people change their thing like what do you what do you do that you're not making any difference you're just for me it's narcissism yeah it's like look at me

I care I care so much I'm hard to it's yeah I know I know there's a lot of victims but me me me

look I care I care guys I care I care I care so much oh thank god I got that off my chest it's the same thing

everyone would have been thinking oh well Kai doesn't care he didn't change hey did you notice Kai didn't change his status to the tricolour oh man it's the same thing everyone would have been thinking oh well Kai doesn't care he didn't change hey did you notice Kai didn't change his status

to the tricolour oh mate that's all I think he's fucking Nazi because it's like it also doesn't there's just been that fucking earthquake

in Haiti I've not noticed a fucking I think it was a hurricane was it it was an earthquake it was a hurricane it's got like

500 people already and you just go yeah because was there someone the poster coming out about four killed in Florida It was a hurricane knife It's got like 500 people already And you just go Yeah because was there Someone Like the poster coming out About Four killed in Florida 800 killed in Haiti

Guess who they're reporting about On the news Like making it about the Well you go Yeah yeah yeah But you're also not showing Much compassion to the people In Haiti by like

Using their plight To fuck with the media Like just to give the media A fuck you You're weighing tragedies Yeah you're You're using the tragedies Fucking the media a fuck you you're weighing tragedies yeah you're you're using the tragedies as fucking leverage

to like show what you're knocked at yeah you know yeah for me just why don't you just fucking put on about the

about the 880 I'll say something about that you care about them I'll post a news report or just take a shot at the media why don't you do what I do

which is just what I do is whenever a tragedy happens is fucking feel sad discuss it with friends and stuff to work you know hear other fucking

opinions and stuff and then just donate to the charity fucking privately and then brag about it on a podcast yeah it's it's so bad as well

my level of narcissism your level yeah talk about how you do it correctly look see these people these people online

being sad online I'm actually helping the people directly and I say that I don't give to the charities I just want it to sound good this is the thing like

Josh Salmon died the UFC fighter who that name might not mean a lot to a lot of people but I followed this guy's journey I enjoyed him on the ultimate fight

he actually won me over quite a bit because I didn't like him at first and then he had this great tragedy and disappeared out of the sport

for a little while and come back in stronger than ever by great tragedy you mean like large no like it was a

fucking good one fantastic tragedy great PR move he's just one of the top tens so he come back like reinvented that tragedy

I would have changed my Facebook thing for that tragedy I would have changed my Facebook colours so when he died

I was like mourning him like mourning my loss when he died, I was like mauling him, like mauling my loss. But then my instant reaction was like, put something on Twitter about it. And I had to check myself. I was like, fucking no. Yeah. And be like, oh, I like Josh Salmon. That was a fun, I repaid all that shit.

Yeah, just making it about you, making tragedies about you. Like when a tragedy, you just, yeah, I fully agree. It's any sort of form of that thing is just it's narcissism yeah but I had that that narcissism ignited in me where I felt the urge

to do that I didn't go ahead with it but you know I do it with good things like if I'm enjoying like whenever we're at the fucking

UFC events I'm always fucking like hey look at this thing I'm being involved in or like if I'm watching the UFC I feel cool being like hey I'm part of this

I'm bragging about my involvement in this somehow. And also, I guess, let's lend it some credit. You're adding your voice. Like Bowie dies. Imagine nobody commented about it. It would be fucking weird if everyone's just like, oh, I'm going to mourn that personally, but I'll put it on. But if there's a voice of people saying that,

then if you relate to that artist or that athlete or someone that you cared for when you see other people doing it it comforts you a little bit yeah I do think my one that I do more about publicly online is Harambe Harambe? The gorilla were you probably shook up by that?

I wasn't shook up by it but it's now become an internet Harambe's become a proper internet meme and the jokes online about it are fucking exceptional I'm a big fan of the old memes and I call him

Harambe because he's my bae Harambe he's the one that was shot in the Sinai Zoo because he molested that child. That's what he did. I mean, people will say it was because he was going to kill the child. Yeah, he sucked his dick for a good 50 minutes.

He was fiddling it up. Look, had we seen Jimmy Savile doing it live, we would have done the same thing. I shot him too. We shot him. We shot Jimmy. Right, so do you agree with changing profile colours? Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's very... Yeah, it's ingrained in you to be muggly with that sort of thing. Yeah. I think that hits a lot of people. Good. Stop doing it, Kant. You can keep doing this. As we've said, we're guilty of most of these things as well.

This is my next muggle one. It's when somebody says, we've talked about this before as well, when somebody says, I don't know how my brain works sometimes. They'll say something creative for the first time and they're like, don't ask me how my mind works. Was it gonna?

They just instantly put their own brain on a pedestal from other people. It's like, I've got this unique mind that concocts the shit that I'm saying even I don't understand how I do it what am I like

it's like a gift oh what am I like oh it is that oh what am I like oh see me I'm mental me sometimes stop doing your own PR I'm mad

I'm mad I'm mad I'm mad at me I don't know how my brain works sometimes it's just off off the loop I am it's off the top of my head that's part of it right now part of it said it I'm mad. I'm mad, couldn't be. I'm mad, couldn't be. I don't know how my brain works sometimes. Oh, it's just off the loop I am. It's off the top of your head,

that. It's the thought of it right now. The thought of it said it. I'm awesome. I didn't spend time in the lab creating this banter. Like, just dropping in the booth.

Aye, when I was 17 years old, I was bitten by a radioactive banter. And just ever since then, I've been slinging banter at my wrists. Swinging from buildings off my banter and just ever since then I've been slinging banter at my wrists swinging from buildings off my banter swinging and not missing don't know how my banter

works sometimes cool I think I will yeah yeah I absolutely fucking agree with that one and that

I think that was actually six that's the first time we've been three episodes in but that's the first time everything's gone through we're getting better at muggle spots so yeah

if any of them applied so there's been six if any of them applied to you stand in the corner for 30 seconds so that could be a total of three minutes that you're in the corner

oh yeah that is a good point for every and we will know don't ask us how we know but we will know if you do this that is a good rule

if you are guilty of any of these muggle things you have to go stand in the corner face the corner too. Don't be looking out from the corner. So maximum three minutes, minimum zero. I mean, to be fair, after this,

you and I are going to have to stand in, I think, the corner for a minute and a half. Keeping a fiver, no. Cock womble, never used it. I don't know how my brain works. I say it ironically. All right. Also, what about cued tattoos

or change your profile change your profile you've done that's 30 seconds I've done that tattoos and quotes no and cues for a minute

so I'm in the corner for a minute you're in the corner for half a minute we'll do it after this it's not going to be good fucking the microphone's long enough

we could do it now but I reckon well I think we should have a spliff now anyway have a little pause but let's apply this rule if we stop for a spliff break you stop for a spliff break so we're going to hit pause now and we'll be here as soon as you press play that's when we'll come back and when we editing works and when we go for a wank you go for a wank we'll do it all in sync all right so everyone go for a joint three two one and back and danny's

just being childish and swapped so we're in the hotel and coming back through the corridor, everybody that's got do not disturb on the door, he turns around to say please tidy up. He giggles like a child. It's the cattiest thing I do and I just find it so

funny and I'm sorry if it's, I'm not even not, I'm fully aware of how dicky it is to just get ready for a lion You've got a pregnant wife day? Turn it round to please make up my room Just call the maid a cunt when she comes in

I just think it'll fill people with doubt, they'll be like oh maybe I put it on the wrong way, no, no it's just me being a prick. Right, something happened during the interval which you want to bring up, which you said is going to upset me. You're probably going to call us a muggle. But Natalie,

my girlfriend, texted us saying, I love you, everything about you. Here is a list of things I love about you. A little massage for my ego. Let's see what they are. The way you look like an autistic but happy child listening to Harry Potter.

I look like the boy off there something about Mary with the headphones on. I flip out when you touch my headphones and start screaming. Just listen to Harry Potter. The way you agonize over one centimetre of body fat when you know I love you with or without it. over one centimetre of body fat When you know I love you with or without it That one centimetre of body fat being your dick

Body muscle It's all muscle It's all one centimetre Tense that centimetre of muscle And curl in it Made of granite The way you like to engage Everyone you meet in conversation

even if it's evident that we are urgently trying to catch a timetabled form of public transport I love the way you engage everyone else but you still won't get engaged to me why did you put that in capitals I love the way you marry together a situation

oh man four years now I feel like I can't like there's no way I can together a situation. Yeah. Oh, man, four years now, I feel like I can't... Like, there's no way I could take a hot air balloon ride just for the thrill of it. It would actually be like, oh, this is it. This is the moment. What you're saying is actually an excuse for the fact that you don't do anything romantic, is you can't just...

I'd love to go to Paris. I want to go to Paris. I can't even do my shoelaces. It's a lot of hard skipping a beach. It's like, oh, you still don't want me. Go out and run with wet laces. to Paris I can't even do my shoelaces it's hard skipping a beach she's like oh you still don't want me

just go out and run with wet laces because I'm afraid of commitment shut the fuck was that an

intentional awful pun yeah I don't think so no what was the pun afraid

afraid oh god not guilty so yeah that's so I talk to people on the way to the I'm not guilty. So I talk to people on the way to the... The way you get excited about the weigh-ins when essentially it's just a testosterone-fueled Slim As A World meeting. She's essentially talking about the weigh-ins at UFC.

The UFC. It's just two men in boxers Stepping on the scales Oh, forget to use my sins Oh, well played The way that you cheer me up When I'm stressed or annoyed By saying

I'll be your punchbag, baby You know when like You know I've been In too deep a relationship But when your girlfriend Can take a day out on you a little bit. I just fucking fuck you through the headboard. Yeah, so I just say that.

I go for it, take off on us. Well, you mean just, like, shout at you for about how shit the day's been? Yeah, take it out on me. But I'm also letting her know that I know that's what it is. Oh, yeah. I use that as a punch bag. Kinky. She uses me as a punch bag she uses me as a

grappling bag the way that you let me cuddle into you soaking wet and sleep into you when you are wide awake because it's the middle of the day so that's like we're on different sleep cycles because I'm fucking obviously late night

gigs and stuff early start in the morning. Right. So sometimes if we go to bed at a similar time, it's the middle of my day or her night, but she thinks that's why I'm awake. I'm awake because you're cuddling up, it's soaking wet, I've got a raging hot on and you're going to sleep. I mean, that's the middle of my day.

No, I'm fucking, what am I going to do with this? I can't even have a wank to be all here. Aye, it's hard to picture other people With you breathing down my neck Literally So yep It turns out The things that Natalie loves about me

Are the same things you love about me You do let me take my day out in you Yeah Cuddling to us when you're wet Right Shall we go for a game of Newphemisms Newphemisms

So the game Newphemisms is It's like Trolls and Astralis In Newphemisms Yeah For vagina We're of newphemisms? Newphemisms. So the game newphemisms is... It's like Troll's Nostril is a newphemism for... Yeah, for vagina. We're just coming up with new newphemisms for things we think need new newphemisms. So today's topics are new newphemisms for eating pussy and newphemisms for sucking dick. Blow jizzles and licking no wizzle. Blow jizzles and licking clizzles. Yes, that was better.

Shall we start off with eating pussy? Yep I'll go first Brushing your teeth with sin Especially premarital Tasting the baby Chomping at the clit An unprofessional autopsy It would be very unprofessional

She's dead She stays dead Well she's not reacting to this And everyone else does She must be dead I mean I know different girls have different moves That you need to do on them But this one's not responding to any of the known moves

Tasting the baby maker I know different girls have different moves that you need to do on them, but this one's not responding to any of the known moves. Tasting the baby maker. Tasting the baby maker? Aye. That'd be a cock. Nah. It's licking your own dick. No, you just... You're licking your own dick in this bit.

No, you're being chauvinist. Your dick's just the ingredients. The fucking... What was the... Where it's made, you just threw the bits in there. The fucking woman makes the baby. Oh, so this is the ingredient maker

that's a newphemism for this what I call my dick the ingredient maker so the baby maker is the womb tasting the baby maker that was very close

to tasting the baby wasn't it oh so it was oh well in that case fine that is fair I didn't realise I'll just do I actually had sex

so drowning in feminism. Nice. Getting the crumbs from the bottom of the Pringles tin. No hands. Sideways kissing the stroke victim. Drinking upstream from the sewage. And my final one, honourouring the suffragettes Nice

Showing the ostrich how it's done This is how you bury your head son Okay Newfamisms for Sucking a dick Paying for a taxi ride Sucking the joy into a relationship. Wetting the baby's arm.

Choking on the patriarchy. Eating Smarties with a wrapper on. Gagging for affection. Making a huge mistake. Taking his life in your mouth doing what it takes to stay alive in prison trying to get your nose

inside his belly button so that's it use them as freely as muggles use cockwomble they are the ethos now let's just go straight onto your dad jokes unless you've got anything to

shall we to discus to discus so your dad jokes are just it's our favourite game where we come up with

tales about what each other's dad do yeah if you've been following us on twitter we've actually got our own facebook page for your dad jokes now. We screen cap the messages we send each other for your delights.

And now we're about to take off on Kevin Martin. All right. Okay, so I'll go first. What have you got for Kev? Your dad shazams the music at strip clubs. So he can practice dancing to it at home. So he can have a bit of memory wank. Trigger.

Your dad cut a hole in his pocket In case he sees anything that he likes When he's out and about Well if he's got a hole in his pocket How's he going to keep the money So he can buy what he sees Oh it's children He's at the park Your dad nearly drowned

When he got stuck in a plastic six-pack ring in the local pond. That's why I always talk to break them with your thumbs. Snap them up because you don't want Kevin to get caught in them. You can't go straight to the vets. Kevin was in the vets for ages. He's got a cone on his neck now. Because he's not allowed to lick the wound. Stop biting the wound.

When your dad was having a sun shower... Six minutes every week. When your dad was having a sun shower, he pulled the red cord, thinking it would turn the fan on, and a receptionist come in to say that he had a sock on his dick. Long story.

Your dad thinks prima donna means before Madonna and that's how he tells dates on the calendar. When would prima donna be? Well, when she

got big. I think, what, the 80s? Yeah, was it? Is Alan John prima donna? Alan John's prima donna.

Justin Timberlake's post-Madonna Yes What about your dad Your dad puts the bumpers up when he goes bowling And he uses the ramp as well And he wears a helmet He goes bowling alone Your dad flashes lorry drivers

So they toot their horns he flashes his tits I thought I thought you meant doing the you know the hand pump the hand pump

to make the lorries go off no he flashes his tits yeah it's like an Iberian slap an Iberian slap a call back so your dad your dad gets his

cut root for well your dad has terrible eBay feedback because none of the fleshlights that he sold were new was advertised. Your dad holds his breath

whenever the character in the movie goes underwater to see if he could have survived the situation they were in. Fuck. Oh man, you should have seen him when he watched Little Mermaid. He got worked in the hospital. It's a sad day for the Humphreys family, that day. Nearly died.

Keeps watching it, though. Steve, Dad. God, Dad. Mum. He's passed out. And it's not even the end of the movie. Your dad tries on your mam's wedding dress while she's at DOS

Your dad doesn't vote because he's not allowed near the school That's all in his pocket Your dad gave a big Mexican dude an oily foot job to clear some debt Your dad's favourite sex position Is fetal Oh Kev

Your dad sleeps with the duvet buttons On the pillow end Like the duvet buttons on the pillow end like the duvet buttons on the top brushing against his face fucking psychopath Your dad works in Scotland Well your dad drinks milk out of a saucepan on the floor

Your dad comes in his belly button and dips toast in it Then does he eat it? Yeah Just trying to get For the beds Just dipping some soldiers in Throw them in the beds

Alright Your dad got sacked from AA For talking dirty to customers I'd like to upgrade my package. Oh, yeah, I bet you would. I want to upgrade my package right on your tits, if you know what I mean. I can take you for 100 minutes.

Stuff like that. Classic panic. I can give you a bolt-on. I'm allowed International Roman Because I can cheat overseas My father went Your dad pretended to be blind So your mum would let him get a dog

Your dad caught the book here His sister's wedding He cried Kevin Martin just got rinsed Fucking wrecked Their ears are burning And their dicks Because of the chlamydia

Yep I think we're done We're done I think so Those are three games And we're about to go watch the UFC we're going to re-watch

the Wayans we're going to re-watch the Wayans Slim and Wild Slim and Wild yeah Michael Besping is fighting

Dan Henderson tonight and that should be a good fight so we're going to try to stay up for it what we're going to plug let's plug the podcast if you listen to the podcast

please share it tell your friends yeah the feedback's been very good and we're narcissists so please keep that coming let us know you're enjoying it let us know which bits you also really like so we can do them more

because we're doing this for you guys and keep tweeting Daniel about his trolley coin never forget tweet me how smart I am for buying one and saving myself. Nah, you're a muggle. It's the ultimate muggle tool. Is it? Fuck, mate.

Nah, haven't I? Right, so yeah, please share the podcast, like it, subscribe. Give us positive feedbacks on iTunes because that will get us more listeners. Come see us live. We are currently on tour and we are going to be in Livingston on... No, no, I've got the dates here. So on the 13th of October in St. Andrews, we will be at the Byre Theatre in St. Andrews,

like I just said. On Friday the 14th of October, we are in Livingston at the Howden Park Centre. If you came to the preview shows in Livingston in July you can come see what the better version of the show looks like when it's got fucking punchlines in it. And then Saturday the

15th of October we are in Paisley Arts Centre. Same goes for you Paisley. You saw the shit version of the show now you can come see the good one. And then we'll go to Poland and the European Tour starts so that should be fun. The podcast should be plenty to report yeah so this should this should be this should be on monday we'll have another one on thursday we're just going to do monday thursday monday thursday monday thursday for as long as we can and i am selling a show on usb into the dvd because we're

in 2016 now and i've packed up our goodies there's a bunch of your dad jokes on there there's a tour journal there's a boxing match against Gav his brother who got knocked out tonight he did get knocked out he got knocked out off my friend Scotty D

the gringo slayer so Kai's brother Gav was in an amateur boxing match with another guy called Scotty D and I will say Scotty D

if you listen to this I was a doubter beforehand man like I didn't think I had it in you yeah Scotty D dropped the D on Gav's face

right just fucking teabagged him put the D right in his mouth right Gav got knocked out apparently well not by a lot

Scotty D is such a funny character because he aged quicker than any man has ever aged right we were like teenagers and he was

a full blown recedo had a dad bod and now his age is matching his faith. If you want to see how old Scotty Dee ages what you do is get a VHS of Benjamin Button watch it until the end and then press rewind times 32

and watch the movie backwards and that's how fast Scotty Dee ages. That was the Scotty Dee's first hour of his life. So Scotty Dean is now in his 30s looks in his 30s there wasn't a good look when he was 12

but he's always looked in his 30s and he's been going to the gym and he went out and knocked out the fitter

Humphries brother fitter in both fucking health and looks fitness fuck my gaff ladies out there if you're looking reel one in

when he wakes up he could be yours so yeah the boxing matches on the USB you can buy that just go on my twitter at Kai Humphries it is the pinned tweet and you can purchase my ways and you can follow me at Daniel underscore Sloss we'll be plugging the European tour

dates but yeah please enjoy like and share and fucking validate us and now just kiss the piss next year all right and members go stand in your corners

remember go stand in your corners you've got to punish yourself remember babies au revoir see you later cock wambles