Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.34 Stay Slapped

Episode Date: February 19, 2017

Muggins and Sugar bring down Garf and Cream (But mostly Garf) in response to their utter nonsense putting Runners in the muggle corner, the worlds justice has been served. Recorded on their last day in Perth before they fly to Adelaide to do it alllll again! 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Gareth Waugh, what the fuck are you talking about? Gareth Waugh. Gareth Waugh. Fucking running. Running. What the fucking... Oh, you know what? Muggle Corner this week.

Breathing. Breathing? Breathing. Right. Oh my god, hold on. Wait one second. I'm talking with my mouth. Muggle Corner.

Oh yeah. Oh, I hate when muggles talk. Oh, my eyes are open. I'm a muggle. Oh god, I'm sitting down. I hate when muggles sit down. Can we open What a muggle Oh god I'm sitting down I hate when muggles sit down Can we have some quality control From fucking Gareth

Daniel you should know Fucking better than this Don't just Like Gareth just like Oh shit I can't think of anything Because I haven't got a creative mind I'm just going to say something That I've just seen running

Oh put it in the muggle call And Danny's like Yeah yeah muggles do run Yeah yeah Fuck off mate Lazy Lazy Laziness

Lazy It's ironic that it's running You've put in Because it's so lazy I wish I wish I wish to god that you'd posted the podcast that you recorded that was shit

because it would have been ultimately better than putting running in the muggle court you know what in their podcast next week I would just like 30 minute recording

of Daniel having a shit and a 30 minute recording what a muggle having a shit a 30 minute recording of Gareth having a shit and that would be better than the shit they spew out of their mouth

right I just want to get everyone up to speed because chances are in the last few weeks people have just decided to listen to every other podcast with me and stanley they're probably listening to sloss and what and imagining it in our voices yeah just to make it better and also changing the words just to make it better and i actually just listened to our podcast again yeah this is my podcast double so to put you up to speed you know what

if this is the first podcast you've listened to out of any of them there's like a running theme in every podcast this is the 33rd time we've done a podcast or maybe it's even the 34th I'll say it 33rd just so people don't lose their minds I'll go like Eddie Alvarez I don't know what you're talking about you say 3 instead of 3

I mean you do know what he's talking about because you just translated it and it's not that big a difference Eddie Alfreth you got knocked the fuck out topical from six months ago so we'll put people in the corner

for being muggles you've got a picture frame we'll love laugh live you're a muggle yeah you queue for a flight queue for a flight you're a fucking muggle

yeah so there's things like that. And Gareth was just like, people, people, I can't do this accent. Yeah. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll do a person, Gareth. I'm a fucking knob. I'm a knob. I don't like people that run. Gareth Waugh. More like Gareth. Like Gareth.

Gareth. Sloss his cock. And Sloss just like a fucking Nodding Churchill dog like oh yeah we're in the corner fucking bear rebelling look

I'm not me and you both go for runs right this looks like we'll defend myself right this is the thing

that you're a muggle if you defend that you're in a muggle corner I'll stand in the corner for that bit. Yeah, okay. Not for running. Not for running.

And I just feel like we have to stand up for every listener that fucking puts their headphones on to go for a jog so they can fucking listen to us while they're running and they're listening

to that fucking nonsense. It's not our fault that they don't go for runs. Right, I'll tell you why they don't like going out for runs, right? Because... Because Sloss doesn't like mixing with the public.

Because Gareth's gin-janny doesn't like going out in the daylight. I mean, coming from a gin and jammy. That's the pot calling the kettle rusty. Pot calling the copper kettle copper. But this is the thing, right? You know, if you haven't been for a run forever, right?

If you go out for a run, that fucking sucks. The same way as if you haven't drove your car for six months and it's been sat in the drive the engine doesn't want to start the fucking exhaust fucking pops you know

your car's fucking seized up it's shit there's definitely look there's definitely elements of what Gareth was talking about which was Fitbits

okay they're very muggly okay mapping your run putting it on Facebook mapping your run yeah I've done that

I've done that I've done that when I'm getting into like doing a training thing or something but then to just go well buying buying special running runners no that's what they are

there's a reason they're called runners you think oh you've got to buy all the clothes and all the footwear and you're like dude you have to do that to leave the house

yeah exactly like just getting out of bed and going to the shop you need to buy the clothes and the shoes to make that happen well not us two because we're just naked

kissing that took about four minutes kissing two lips strikes again even off air we've got this banter right before

before we started the podcast all the mics are tangled up like the cables each have got like a three foot cable and they're both tangled up to shit

like against each other and I was like I mean we're going to untangle this so we could just do the podcast really close to each other and kiss

even yesterday when you were like where's your new apartment so I want to come over and record the podcast and kiss actually forget about the podcast

stop looking at my lips so anyway yeah no there's no I just wear normal runners when I run yeah no there's no I just wear normal runners when I run so what he called yeah I just wear football shorts

what am I going to do I just wear a Barcelona jersey just go out in my fucking shoes yeah there's no what are you talking about that's a ridiculous thing so he

they really stuck some shit to me as well because I got a heart rate monitor yeah right and arguably that's a bit muggly but you know

when you've been training for quite a bit when you hit a bit of a wall where you're training where you're training you're eating well but you're not making any progress at all right you start trying different techniques and one of them that i read was keeping your heart rate is uh like 70 percent yeah and like i don't know how was this gareth who did this as well what was this gareth who said this well it was just in the running bit right okay it stuck a bit of shit to me because that and i admit that the heart rate one that is a bit muggly but it keeps me motivated

because it's a different goal, it's just something different. So it's like when I run on a treadmill, I literally try and beat, me and Josh Pugh were both trying to beat our 5k time

every day we went. It gets competitive with yourself. I get, obviously with Garrett, he just goes, oh here's the ceiling, I don't want to break through it,

this is my life right now. Garrett, blech. Yeah, I feel like that's what he's doing, he's finding things that make don't want to break through it. This is my life right now. Garrett. Yeah, that's him. I feel like that's what he's doing. He's finding things that make him insecure. And he's taking pot shots.

Yeah, I get it. He's taking pot shots. I get it. Why don't you tell us the new deals in Carphone Warehouse? To be honest. Is it Carphone Warehouse he works for? It is, isn't it? I think so. Phone's for you.

Phone's for you. He's the guy from the advert that does the phones for you hand gang scene wasn't he originally he tried to get cast in extras in like that phone shop they all end up working in I've never watched extras

but yes and then he could get a job but Dean Gaffney got a job ahead of him he couldn't even get a job as an extra at extras muggle

what a muggle so like I don't even like enjoy running that much I do it because it's good to take care of yourself you know what I want to eat shit sometimes

I want to smoke sometimes I want to take drugs sometimes I want to I want to kiss men I want to kiss men and that means a lot of calories having a boner for that long just putting a boner

do you know how tired it is to keep the blood down there for that long when you're not attracted to a man you have to really flex all the way through flex your lips that's how I get

my six pack I'm flexing my cock while I'm kissing the bed flexing my cock flexing my lips works every muscle in the body so like you know what

even going to the gym and lifting some weights I don't really enjoy that but I just enjoy the fucking the the like what you get from fucking, the, the, like what you get from it at the end.

Yeah, it's about the reward for it. It's about the end result. Man, if you look good, you feel good. And if you feel good, you are good.

Yeah. And if you don't look good or feel good, you're garret what? I hope everybody that's out for a run right now is just fucking up in that pace that little bit more. Yeah, exactly. With the buzz you're getting from it. Just to, just to get there. Putting that fucking up in that pace that little bit more. Yeah, exactly.

With the buzz you're getting from it. Just to get there. Putting that cunt in the ground. Just to get more stamina to kick the face off Gareth Waugh. Stay slapped. Stay slapped, Gareth Waugh. And fucking slap the lips off fucking Sloss as well. We try and slap the lips off Sloss except Gareth's arse will be there because he's got his tongue so far up it.

Big fucking non-running arse. The next hour they's got his tongues how far up it big fucking on running off the next hour they have is just going to be the two of them just licking each other you know what right so there's a basic human emotion when you end up like

in a conflicting situation that's fight or flight what does Garrett do he's got neither yeah he'll go like this he'll be like oh I don't want to fight but I don't want to fight

because I haven't got my runners I haven't got my special runners where's my Fitbit oh fight or flight what I'm going to fly what am I going to do oh no I'm going to hide behind Daniel oh firefly

firefly nobody knows my face because I'm nobody I hope your gig on Monday is good in the beehive Gareth is that even a thing I hope your flyer I flyers for your own show. Twice.

I hope your flyer fly tips your flyers. Anyway, good. How are you? I'm good, man. Speaking of fly tipping, you know what I think it's National Fly Tipping Day coming up in Australia? What the hell is fly tipping? Well, outside of my street, right? There's loads of people put like hard waste out the front, like chairs. Oh yeah, I saw that earlier on today, yeah.

So what they do, they just have like a big collection day so you know how every now and again you're like, I've got to get rid of some shit out my house.

Yeah. They do it like a freebie yard sale. You know what's funny? I was here last year around the same time and I used to cycle like 25 or 30k a day

like a muggle. Oh yeah, you had to buy a bike and everything. Oh, I had to buy a bike. I used to cycle like 25 or 30k a day like a muggle I used to cycle and um one day I cycled through this estate that I hadn't before and there was all the furniture was out in the grass and I was like man this is a bad neighborhood yeah like I thought I thought all the buildings were just like ruined and they were getting rid of everything they're all hoarders or something but that must it must have been around that day as well it was towards the end of my trip last year because I've been cycling on the path there

because like there's a bit where I go where I'd have to cross a busy road to get on the left hand side of the road and then go on the

cycle path and then get back over a busy road on the other side you don't want to do that like a muggle not going to fucking do that so I just fucking weave around the streets

buy a bridge buy a bridge and go across the road like a muggle but there's been loads of like fucking beds and fucking easels and shit

just like literally fucking fast easels how many easels were there I live in a hipster how many easels were there

I live in hipster how many easels how many easels I'm gonna say two maximum well there's one easel the plural was the bit I got wrong

easel there's an easel there's an easel and there's a bed somebody's like I'm tired of sleeping I'm tired of drawing it's actually the an easel there's an easel and there's a bed somebody's like I'm tired of sleeping I'm tired of drawing it's actually the same thing

it's just an easel and a little mattress snoozel no snoozel how do I take that back if you snoozel you losele

so they're all on the street I saw loads of that today yeah I've just been bunny hopping them just jumping over them yeah like one of the beds was like put on its end so it was like fucking

eight foot high on fire I just bunny hopped it it's very hot today they're on fire done a little 360 little 360 over the top yeah

over the burn like an advanced level paper boy who's the muggle now who's the muggle now he did it while I'll tell you what his heart rate went way high yeah yeah

it went actually up to 71% and I had to calm myself down a little bit yeah calm yourself down so he tried to listen to a different podcast. Yeah, listen, that podcast when I was cycling, my fucking heart rate was through the roof. Like, God, you had your heart monitor.

You had to go and check yourself into an A&E. Check yourself in. It's not a hotel. Hey, I'll tell you what, this is Mugly, though. What? I haven't been wearing my heart rate monitor when I've been running here. Yeah, you have been? I haven't.

Okay. You know why? Why? I want tan lanes. Boom. That is Mugly. You have been working on your tan lane know why why I want tan lanes boom that is ugly you have been working on your tan lane that would be a

fucking shitty old tan lane I've got I've got I've got the worst t-shirt tan in God's green earth I think I've I've got a pretty bad one

as well don't check this out see what I've got we're not doing the second podcast in a row where you're naked see what I've got

I can see I've seen it I watch you do the joke on stage every night wait you're just showing me your chest again see what I've got I can see I've seen it I watch you do the joke on stage every night wait you're just showing me your chest again I'm bitten you honour

Fitbit Fitbit me Fitbit me Fitbit me we're into our we're into our last week here in Perth we leave tomorrow actually

yeah tomorrow morning yeah I'll fly to Adelaide I guess if you're listening if you're listening today we'll be there we'll be in Adelaide yeah because we we're pre-recording this Yeah, because we're pre-recording this.

This is Sunday. We're pre-recording it because we've got a... Well, they're all pre-recorded, technically. Oh, yeah. These people are going... What's happening? Slamming the brakes on the car like, this isn't live.

I can't believe this isn't live. My life's alive. Yes, we go to Adelaide tomorrow. So the last weekend of shows here has been insane because most of the comics are gone

so as a result you do I did nine slots yesterday yeah and by the end I hate comedy you start getting

tired of your own voice I get tired of your voice you get tired of your voice right now you have little snooze there I'll lie down beside you

so I've done Best of English and then had to go over and do Best of British and there was like a lot of the same audience had come over as well. Right, right.

And part of this was like you must have had an inkling that if someone's on Best of British they're probably going to be on Best of English. Yeah, if they're on Best of English they'll probably get graduated up into Best of British.

And I was like, oh, you're going to come to Best of Europe. I guess it's the one root for us that I'm going to be on Best of Europe. It's the one kind of negative of just lineups not going like oh you're going to come to best of Europe root for us that I'm going to be on best of Europe it's the one

kind of negative of just lineups not going up in advance or going to see a load of compilation shows it's the one negative of people hedging their bets that's what it is

rather than going to a solo show they'll go well I'll go to this show and I'll at least like two of the four will be on chances are

it's going to be crossover and the compilations but what they haven't got here which I mean maybe is a room for improvement for next year is the chalkboards like the

Edinburgh Fringe because do you know when I think I've already talked about this in the podcast but when Elliot Steele ate a dick

at late and live and when he'd come off stage I'd be like don't worry mate I've wiped your name off the chalkboard which time was that because he died a few times

pick one it's almost like my catchphrase now for him coming off stage um but yeah so the so i think today so i did nine yesterday and i've ate today we are doing a show today that you've done before i'm doing for the first time and it's a parent and baby oh yeah laugh with babies show yeah baby so it's like parents that want to come to comedy but actually their kids are if they've got kids

who are like under 18 months so they bring the kid along and then you can still do your normal set and the kid won't understand it but the other day I did it

and there was a 4 year old there changed the whole gig yeah I just took the gig because I heard there's loads of breastfeeding and I want to see some titties there is a little bit

of lactation that was a word there's a little bit of lactation right at the front yeah yeah is it like because is that off-putting? No.

It's all fucking natural and everything. The gigs. It's not something I'm naturally used to seeing. No, the gigs are so weird anyway. Because you know what it is? Even though it should be fine. It should be fine, right? You can't control when a baby screams.

You can't control when a baby cries. Yeah. So the comic thinks it should be fine. It should be fine, right? You can't control when a baby screams. You can't control when a baby cries. Yeah. So the comic thinks it should be fine. The parents think it should be fine. But then you're standing on stage and every bit of your head is going, this is not fine. Yeah, because I always react to things

that happen in the room. Yeah. And I don't want to react to something like a baby crying and the mom trying to... Well, you don't react to that part. And crying and the mom trying to wait that's the thing you don't react you don't react to that part and if there's someone feeding a child i don't want to make them self-conscious exactly when they might already be very self-conscious so you can't like you can't scold or anything and then also the big thing is like as much as the parents will be focusing on

you 50 of them is focusing on their baby yeah and like they can't clap you on or anything like that because they're holding a baby yeah like there It's almost like you're going to... Comedy is very difficult as it is. And you've just gone, well, why don't we add seven elements to make it more difficult? So you're just kind of like background chatter, aren't you? Kind of.

I mean, it is good fun. It actually works quite well because they have also... I guess they've taken the step to go to the comedy. So they're slightly different parents. You know what I mean? So it definitely works in that way. But I did it two weeks ago

and this couple arrived with no baby and I was like why are you here and they were like oh we have a baby at home and I was like who's with the baby

and then the husband was like oh my wife's mother has the baby and I was like well go to a different show why are you at this show bring your wife's mother

and the baby to the show yeah I was like just go to a normal show they obviously thought it was like a show about babies about having babies

like Terry North's got the gig. Yeah, yeah. Who's the daddy where you talk about. Super dad or whatever it is. Everything's about family. Yeah, exactly. You've got to talk about family.

So people aren't there like necessarily with their children or whatever. No. But they're hearing like tales about your family. Exactly. But this one, we can just do any material? Just anything. Censorship? No.

Can you swear? Yeah, of course. Because they're babies? That's why it was weird with the four year old the other day because obviously she understood what was happening she brought a little

packed lunch and everything it was very weird whereas then at 2.30 I'll be doing the kids show the cheeky monkey show so that's more stand up for kids rather than

like yeah you definitely have to be aware of what you're saying in that situation which I always find what comics tend to do is they just do tricks you know what I mean like so they'll come up with a game to play or something

like sometimes when i'm hosting kids shows i'll just do like who wants to do stand up and bring kids up to do jokes everything like that but then i found now i'm just doing what i normally do but just with kids instead yeah so i just i'm still chatting to them are you asking them is this your girlfriend that is exactly what's your job that is exactly what i do i literally go first i go what age are you i say 27 28 are you married do you have which of these kids are yours what job do you have they're all like what are you talking about they're so silly and then i tend to do like a quiz against each i take two a boy and a girl i let the boy pick the specialty subject and then they just do they go against each other one of the adults coming up with questions

that's it and the boy always loses no matter what are they doing this in adelaide as well yeah i think so yeah i'm gonna come along i'm gonna try and try me handed it like i've always just stayed away from it yeah no it's good fun and it's just look it's just another discipline to be learned you know what i mean obviously you could just sit still and not break through that barrier like gareth will you know but you may as well just try new stuff out I mean obviously if you're doing a Laugh-A-Baby show

you've got to buy a buggy you've got to get like nappies you know it's a lot of equipment it's such a muggle a lot of equipment it's a very muggly gig to do yeah

but no it's good fun it's good fun so that'll be that'll be gig one for me of all the other gigs as well the point is I don't have to worry

about swearing because I hate that so much when parents get like upset about swearing in front of that baby much when parents get like upset about swearing in front of their baby yeah if your baby repeats the swear word

don't be mad that the baby swore be fucking impressed that your baby's a fucking genius yeah exactly a ruthless genius if your baby's like

stupid cunt from the pram where it hasn't even developed if the baby comes out of you and just goes oh the smell of that vagina

oh the smell of that cunt. Put some Febreze on that, dude. Put some Febreze on your cunt, man. Disgusting. So, no, yeah, it is good fun. You'll have a good time. And then we're doing The Ashes, the deciding show of The Ashes. Yeah.

Are you doing that, too? Yeah, yeah, I'm opening that. So, it's me, you, and Chris McArthur-Boyd? Chris McArthur-Boyd, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, I did it yesterday, and it was a horrific,Boyd? Chris McArthur-Boyd, yeah, yeah. So I did it yesterday and it was a horrific... There was a 12-year-old in the front row yesterday. And that was a horrible seven minutes for her.

Oh, yeah. I always think it's weird for the parents if there's a kid between the age of 12 and 15 and you're doing blowjob jokes and stuff like that and the kid's laughing. Their parents are like, oh, they get it that and the kid's laughing their parents are like oh they get it yeah

well for me it was like see that's a it's not about what you're saying in front of them it's about finding out what that child already knows yeah and see that's supposed to be

a 15 plus show but the funny thing was like the 12 year old was sitting the guy had two other daughters with him so he sat beside those two daughters and then the 12 year old

was in the front on her own with her friend yeah and then she sat beside a guy who looked like the 12 year old was in the front on her own with her friend and then she sat beside a guy who looked like a sex pest it was very weird it was a weird gig I had a great time

that's all I talked about did you point out that he looked like a sex pest sat next to the 12 year old oh 100% I was like this guy came straight from Bangkok

and sat right in here slammed at that guy he was loving it he was loving it but it was yeah that'll be good and it's the sighting series as well. Yeah,

so to the listeners, what The Ashes is, it's, you're a blood traitor. It's the, it's Australian comics versus English comics. Yeah.

Like The Ashes. Yeah. I mean, you're honorary. Well, I'm just like Owen Morgan. What's the line you say? I know I'm not English,

but I love money. Yeah. Stop ruining the car. I'm supposed to, but I love money. Yeah. Stop ruining the time. It's supposed to all look made up every show. You've been having trouble, haven't you? So you've been getting people to come to your solo show by doing short spots in the package shows. So you do a lot of audience interaction.

And then they come to your solo show, and then you go, what's your name, what do you do? But they've come from a show where you've already asked them yeah so you're recognizing people in your in your gig yeah so you already know what that job is you've already given them banter about their relationship well i don't know straight away as well that's the thing so like on friday night i was talking to um it was like the first eight people i talked to seven of them i'd already talked to at my gig so one of of them eventually went, he was like, I was like, where is your girlfriend?

He's like, Japan. We had this conversation last week. And I was like, yeah, but I've done 41 gigs since last week. And then I went, I don't remember. Actually, I do remember. Her name is Samoko, and she lives in Japan,

and she's 23. And he was like, that is exactly right. And I was like, well, we'll talk to you later on. So I had to get like, it turned into almost like a previously on Andrew Stanley shows. And I had to do a summary of all the people I talked to. Is it like, it turned into almost like a previously on Andrew Stanley shows. I had to do a summary of all the people I talked to. Is it like, you know, when it's an impractical joke as it shows that way, it always shows you like little clips of what's about to come up.

Exactly. And it shows you what happens. And it's just the tiniest bit longer than the clip. Yeah. And it shows you like what's just happened again. Yeah. It's like just to hash together. Just to remind.

You end up like with five minutes of content that spans like 30 minutes that's exactly it yeah and it's kind of like the i mean it's been the show's been it's been really good and then but then i get you know what it is it creates such a weird laid-back vibe at the gig that like that that night one guy just got up 40 minutes in just went i'm I'm just going to get a drink. Does anybody want a drink? And just offered the audience drinks. And then offered me a drink. And then went to the bar, came back. He only had two minutes left in the show. I was like, I don't know what's happening here.

That's one, disruptive. But two, fucking baller. Yeah, it was great. The price of a painting. Well, the reason for it, he just did a round for the whole crowd. I think he ended up buying about nine drinks. But the reason he was so relaxed was he'd been part of the whole pub crawl. Remember when the gay dad was in

the guy who fell asleep in the court and he was the guy who was sitting at the front so he'd been involved in the whole pub crawl from Sunday two weeks ago and so he just felt like

I think I'm part of this show I think I know how good I am yeah he thought he was just a sidekick yeah yeah yeah he was just scrappy do yeah he was like

so it was... You really looked up to him and believed everything he said. I believed no matter what I was talking about. Just absolute shite. So, yeah, so I met the last one of those tonight. So the Ashes is... There's three Aussie comedians and three Brits are blood traitors. And then there's a decibelometer,

which me and my friends used to call a deciblometer. We used to call a deciblometer we call it deciblometer we've got a deciblometer in the nightclub just to make sure the neighbours anyway there's a decibelometer that's linked

no I'm going to call it deciblometer deciblometer just to shout out just call it blometer we made Craig Dyer and Dawes who used to call it

deciblometer as if they listen to this they fucking listen to this you don't get podcasts in prison you don't get podcasts in prison you don't get podcasts in prison sorry

muggins and sugar no cream muggins no cream on sugar creams are muggles and they've linked the Deciblometer up to a screen

which has got like a cricket background and it's got this bar that you can hit two runs or four runs or six runs yeah it goes like

one, two and three are kind of like up to 50% then four is like 70% and then six is 100% and you're not allowed get in the chair

on purpose you're not allowed to do rounds of applause just fake rounds of applause and there's actually a Pakistani comedian who's the umpire who's the neutral umpire

and he marks the score so if you're just getting people like fucking screaming blue murder he's not going to mark them down but if a round of applause breaks out

and it hits a six they mark that down and it ends up like clocking the scores everyone's got seven minutes and if they go over seven minutes the opposite team

have got balls there's a wicket behind you if they hit the wicket you lose ten points if they hit you or they hit the wicket so yesterday I just went over

seven minutes and like on 7.02, I got hit with a ball. So I went from 109 down to 99. Wow, do you know how bullshit that is? I hit Wayne Deacon with a ball and they said it didn't count because it hit him.

Oh, really? We would have won. There you go. And I was trying to claim it was LBW. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah, so it hit me and I lost 10 straight away. Yeah, well, you know what?

Sometimes I think they're a little bit strategic to us. They still won though, right? The British. Yeah, we won by, strategic to us they still won though right the British yeah we won by oh god we still won by 55 or something

Kerry went out and did 105 he's ridiculous on it yeah yeah it was really good hit rate it was really

good and he had actually reigned in because that was with the 12 year old there so he had reigned in

didn't do his usual closing routine yeah so but anyway routine which Jimmy Costell he didn't steal the routine he just stole the routine which Jimmy Carr stole. He didn't steal the routine.

He just stole the overland line for it. It's funny. I don't want to say Jimmy Carr stole it. He'd done Kerry's joke, but it might have been a writer, a lazy writer. Could have been anybody. I don't know if he has writers or what, but it's just a bit shitty for Kerry. I mean, it's one of those things. If anyone hears Kerry doing it, they'll think he stole it from Jimmy Carr

of course that's the way it always works yeah it's one of those weird things where it's like you know it will not affect the routine at all but some people will go

oh I think I heard Jimmy Carr do that yeah you know what I mean it won't affect the rest of because that is literally 5% of that routine

for Kerry yeah you know what I mean it's the opening set of premise and then there's tons more stuff after it

because I've had a bit before where I saw I had a crossover with Kevin Bridges it was a completely different routine but had very similar

like angle to it about wiping ghosties you know when you wipe a ghostie the beauty of when you're wiping there's nothing on the paper and when he did

that routine it would have just looked like I'd like remastered remixed his bit to make it my own so I just had to stop doing it because he's more higher profile and I know fine well it wasn't a crossover

you'd never seen us do the routine, it was different enough you know what, you just wrote on the same topic and come up with a lot of the same things you just have to let it go I had a similar thing with Chris Rock I used to do this big thing about glowing up in a really uh poor black neighborhood you love black people yeah yeah and i i was like man this is just unlucky just unlucky crossover yeah so i got in touch with him and i was like chris you keep that you keep that and he just you know i heard about yeah you

know chris rock's uh famous routine i love black people but i hate yeah i can't repeat it but uh apparently uh he couldn't get that working for years like not years but ages yeah you would try famous routine I love black people but I hate I can't repeat it but apparently he couldn't get that working for years like not years but ages you would try it out and try it out

and it just wouldn't work so he doesn't follow the rule of three like most of us nah and literally he was like I know this is gonna be funny

and commit to it yeah yeah there you go I guess that's the thing little fact that I think's a fact I just like kind of half heard it it's a new fact

passed it on as knowledge it's a fact now do you mean that fact you just said? I've heard that from a few other people. It must be a fact. It must be. It must be a fact. That's how it works.

That's how facts are born. Facts are born like that. Oh, man, we should do that game sometime, The Fantastic Lies. Fantastic Lies. Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll try that. We'll do the next podcast.

Yeah. I'm trying to sort it out. Hey, should we get into some Muggle Corner stuff? Let's do some Muggle Corners. I wonder what we'll have coming up today. I wonder if anything will be related to Gareth. Now I'm going to rise above that shit. Do you want to go first?

Yeah, I'm just going to have to get it up. All right, so this is something that swept Facebook on Valentine's Day, and it's just so Muggly. People are remixing the Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. Oh, there were so many of those so many oh my god

I was so close to going on and going roses are red violets are blue this is the muggliest thing I've ever seen you're all fucking

muggles right and then you realised but I would have shot myself with my own gun that would have been muggly

to the extreme it would have been muggly to do that muggle squares no matter how no matter which angle you come at that whether you're subverting

whether you're trying toting it whether you're trying to make it work you're muggling so I had to just refrain from putting It was the ice bucket challenge of Rosa Red Rhymes

I just had to quietly seethe about how muggley they were being because I just wanted to Nelson did a few yeah or a muggle muggle

muggley muggle he probably didn't know why he was running probably didn't know why he was running like a little muggle. He probably didn't know why he was running. Probably didn't know why he was running like a little muggle.

Yeah, Nelson did a few. I think, I think Garrett did one. I'm going to say he did. Oh, man. Because he's such a muggle. I mean, it's one of those weird things

because it's like, it's almost like a, you know, it's like a joke competition at a stand-up show. You know, they go, let's give away two free tickets.

What's the difference between Trump and, you know, Kermit the Frog? You know, something like that. And they look at two topical things, and then the audience write the jokes. Yeah. But there's no... That's what you just let the comedians do, the jokes. It's giving muggles a weak formula that they can stick some pseudo-creativity to. Yeah, exactly.

It's like, what's that? Roses are red, violets are blue, this is a knife, get in the van. Like, people are writing that as if it's like what's that rose of red if I let's a blue this is a knife get in the van like people are writing that as if it's their own thought well I wrote that originally is that your original

yeah that was me and Chris Rock overlapped on that classic classic before it was Mugly before it was Mugly he did it as a black guy so it was different

it was like yeah you would have a knife classic classic rock classic rock that's your flavour's first show So it was different. It was like, yeah, you would have a knife. Classic. Classic rock. Classic rock. That's your flavour's first shelf. Yeah, when people write a joke that's been done before. So this is like double muggle,

because they're doing the muggle formula, but they're doing it with not even their own thought, with someone else's, on just the hope, and the hope that nobody's seen it before, and they credit them, and it's like, ah,

just kill yourself. Just kill yourself. Rosa Red, Violet Blue, kill yourself. This is the name, stab yourself in the throat. Stab yourself.

I will stab you if you don't do this yourself. Yeah, it's very, and these things come along every so often. Like there's, this happens every month

or so now I find. You know what I mean? Like there's Halloween ones, things like that or there's like, you know, there'll be Christmasy what I mean like there's Halloween ones things like that or there's like you know there'll be Christmassy ones as well with Christmas carols

and things like that you know it's kind of or Valentine's as well because this one was for Valentine's wasn't it yeah yeah where it's just like

you're just kind of going there's no need for it you know it's like when Trump went in how many Trump jokes were there yeah iPod took

you did I don't I was pretty good at it you know what head of the curve When Trump went in, how many Trump jokes were there? Yeah, I partook. You did? I don't know. I was pretty good at it. You know what? It's ahead of the curve. Didn't you do, Roses are red, violets are blue, Donald Trump's an arsehole?

Get in the van. Get in the van. Oh, hey, let's talk about Ryan Cullen. Oh, my God. Our friends, Ryan Cullen. I'll tell you first about the first day I met Ryan Cullen. Have we finished a Muggle Corner already? No,

no, we're just going to sidetrack. Sidetrack. Okay. We went in a bit early so we've got time to plan. So I met Ryan Cullen

at the Cork Independence Festival. Me and Sloss arrived with not even hand luggage. We just fucking walked through customs like we weren't coming back. Well, Sloss had a book.

Yeah. Muggle. Muggles read books. I've read eight books. Yeah, but if you're reading a book, you've got to like buy a book yeah muggle muggles read books I've read 8 books yeah but you if you're reading a book you've got to like buy a book you've got to like

carry a book around you need a special reading glasses you've got to open your eyes you've got to learn how to you've got to go through

the education system you've got to learn how to you've got to act it out on a stage what a muggle then you've got to get the movie

muggle that Gareth don't even get in the corner to do fucking 10 press ups oh you can't do press ups you don't work out do them on your knees like a bitch

like your dad do press ups on his knees in the muggle corner muggle corner anyway so yeah so Ryan Cullen so we just arrived but you'd fixed it up so we had a in the muggle corner muggle corner anyway so yeah so Ryan Cullen so we just arrived

but you'd you'd fixed it up so we had a tent we had an airbed and shit like fucking we were sharing a tent sharing a double airbed

so we could kiss and then Ryan Cullen had been using the airbed because he wrote up with just his tent was like oh cool there's an airbed

that's not been used for the last two nights so he used that and then gave us it back but then when he got back to his tent on the last night with no airbed

water had gotten into his tent. He'd left it open and shit. And there was just a big puddle of water in. He was fucked up coming down off whatever fucking ket that he had. You come down off ket? You're already down off ket.

He was down, he was down, down. The hole was so bad that he was in that this felt like an improvement. And he just climbed into the puddle of water and just cuddled into it. And woke up in the morning and the floor was dry, but he was soaked through.

That's how he got his nickname. And I called him Sponge Cullen. I met him that day and I was like, Sponge Cullen. If he ever does the podcast, it'll be Muggins and Sponge. Muggins and Sponge. Sponge and Cream. Sugar and Sponge. That sounds delicious.

Sugar and Sponge. Oh, God, I'd love to have a sponge cake, but I have to run it off first. Oh, yeah. Like a muggle. Get a new cake and then knock off a run. So Ryan was doing a gig.

Let me set the premise of the gig. Oh, shit. We've got two Cullen stories. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought you were getting into that story. No, I was going in with the PS. Oh, we've three stories. Yeah, okay.

Sorry. Yeah, Piers Morgan. Sorry, keep going. Sorry, yeah. So he sent a tweet out saying which is worse and then the tweet was a poll

of Piers Morgan or the Holocaust yeah Piers Morgan won Piers Morgan was 68% in the lead right yeah

and then Piers Morgan retweeted it so weird 5.5 million people such a weird move such a weird move such a weird move bringing light to that

so obviously he thought it was disgusting because he's bigger than that P.S. Morgan and then this obviously comes right after Jim Jefferies told him to go

fuck himself live on the Bill Maher show yeah so P.S. Morgan retweeted and Ryan Cullen just got like a bunch of fucking ass licking P.S. Morgan

fucking lovers that was giving him shit for it and obviously a lot of love of people that kind of saw that it was a joke and saw it was funny. And when P.S. Morgan was like, seriously, this idiot thinks he's funny. And then Ryan replied, we talked about P.S. I thought the Holocaust has been the worst. It's the people that have spoken. Sorry, bro.

So P.S. Morgan retweeted a 5.5 million, which is fucking nearly 6 million. It's nearly 6 million. Close enough. Close enough. 10% off. Ironic. And, and he's still lost.

Yeah. He's still lost. He put 5.5 million of his fans. That's because Piers Morgan, wait, see, I'm going to say 5.5 million,

not just his fans. Because people follow him to hate him. Exactly. Piers Morgan is such a polarizer. That's why he is who he is. Because he's a polarizer. You know, you hate him or you love him. There's no middle Exactly. Piers Morgan is such a polarizer. That's why he is who he is. Because he's a polarizer. You know, you hate him or you love him.

There's no middle ground with Piers Morgan. Nobody goes, he's alright. You know what I mean? Nobody goes, I'd hang out with him, but I wouldn't, not one-on-one. I can take him, I'll leave him. Yeah, nobody would say that about Piers Morgan. You know what, I like some of the stuff he says, but some of it he's overstrained. He's like McGregor.

McGregor's the same. You know, you love him or hate him. There's nobody that's just like... Yeah. There's nobody who's middle grounding with McGregor. McGregor's the same. You know, you love him or hate him. There's nobody that's just like... Yeah. There's nobody who's middle grounding with McGregor. Same thing. But even then, surely you just enjoy watching a McGregor fight where they...

You love him or hate him. But still, you want to pull it. You enjoy the fight, but for one reason or another. Exactly. Same thing with Piers Morgan. Like, you like watching him on TV and everything because you want to see what she'll do next. You know?

But yeah, so anyway, so Ryan blew up over that. And then in his maybe misplaced confidence and his abilities or something like that, he did this gig on Friday night in a town. Hold on before I do this. Someone replied to him on Facebook going, I can't believe how offensive this is. You're disgusting.

You're about as funny as cancer. Like not seeing the irony that they've just like, I mean, cancer has probably taken more people than the Holocaust. I don't think it's a probably, I think it has. It 100% has, right?

Facts. It's another fact. So he is just like, oh, this is so offensive that you're saying that. However, this like equally or worse travesty is going to be my joke on you fucking ridiculous

and then someone's going oh you should have done that poll but with you in as well but that would be the same joke he's just cracked that you're saying to crack but also even if he had done it with that poll people go who the fuck's Ryan Cullen you get 1% maximum exactly who the fuck is Ryan Cullen

he's like a muggle so tell the story about Ryan Cullen? He's like a muggle. So tell the story about Ryan Cullen. So then he goes on Friday, he goes to do a gig in... Closest gig he's done to his house? Yeah, Great Northern Hotel, which is right up his side where he lives. And so all his family were there.

All his cousins, aunties, uncles, graddies, everything. And it was a Father Ted weekend. So these are big things in Ireland where it's like, because obviously all the actors who was a Father Ted weekend so like these are big things that are where it's like be a father because obviously

all the actors who are in Father Ted like 90% of them are comedians you know yeah so some of them Father Lohanlen

Father Dougal was Dougal Dermot Morgan was Father Ted Joe Rooney was Father Damo Pat Macdonald Michael Redmond

Michael Redmond was Father Stone you know so Michael Joe and Pat Macdonald actually do a tour a Father Ted night

kind of tour around Ireland so this was part of this I guess so it was a Father Ted weekend but on the night Ryan was on there was no Father Ted acts

they were all on Saturday so this was just a comedy night so they built the weekend but it was stacked onto the Saturday yeah so Ryan's on stage

and I think they somebody went where's the Father Ted comics? And he was like, they fucking died in the 90s, you fat cunt. It was, yeah, it was Where's Father Ted. Where's Father Ted. He died in the 90s, you fat cunt.

But was it not to an old woman? To an old woman. He said to an old woman, he died in the 90s, you fat cunt. And then he just went for it. And then the crowd obviously turned on him because he's just done that yeah and he's not

Ryan is not charming on stage that's the thing Ryan's an amazing one liner really good jokes but his charm is not like

his forte I like to think we probably wouldn't get away with that I mean I would even

would sneak it maybe i've said depend on what we're following it up with i said a really horrific thing yesterday and i was like as i was saying i was going i have to do every bit of charm i have there was a woman in the front row and i asked her she was single and she said yeah i was like how long she goes my husband died eight years ago so i was like how long were you together and she said seven years and i was like how long she goes my husband died eight years ago so i was like how long were you together and she said seven years and i was like well look you know what to make you feel better i was like how is that how's single life now she goes it sucks and i was like well i'm gonna make you come so hard later on that everything won't matter and she's like everybody's

laughing then i went and as an extra special tree i'll let you call me by your dead husband's name oh dude tell me where it's from. Worked. Worked. Good, good. She literally did that Call Me symbol with her, as if it could be a ring afterwards.

But as I was saying that, I was like, oh, this is hard. Lovely. You mind getting away with something? I've got some fucking technique because I've seen one person properly fail

and one person properly win. I didn't see the win I just heard of it because of folklore but the win was Adam Bloom saw a pregnant woman in the front row

and his wife's pregnant at the time so he's like oh I'm going to have a girl do you know what you're going to have she's like I don't know we're going to find out

he's like oh let's see if we can find out now and use the mic stand as a like almost like he was doing a scan of the baby at the bottom of the mic stand and he was like it's a gonna got away with it because he's out of bloom well that's what it is yeah it's like it's just having you know what adam's very similar to me

in a way and you i think in that you're smiling the whole time yeah it's very obvious in your eye it's very obvious you're joking and i but i i giggled like a schoolgirl after I did that line. Yeah. It was a proper, like, I was like, for like 30 seconds afterwards. Because I knew there's no, and thank God it was towards the end of my set. And everybody's laughing that you're getting away with it. Yeah. And the bond on it. And she was liking it. It was all fine.

She's obviously liking it because you've made a connection with her before. And it was towards the end of my set as well. So I was like, that's me done. Which always adds to it. Mic drop. Mic drop, yeah, except we can't afford it. The one I saw that didn't work so well was Daryl Martin,

who runs Just the Tonic Games. Oh, yeah. He was hosting the shows. He was chatting to a woman in the front row and guessed that she was pregnant, which I always think it's a brave move to guess if someone's pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In case they're not. But then he saw that she was drinking wine and he was like, oh, I'm drinking wine as well. Why don't we just go out in the interval and smoke 20 cigarettes and try and kill it? Zero charm.

I mean, the comics in the back were increasing. Loving it. Loving it, yeah. But that's the thing. So Ryan, yeah,

that's definitely, when Ryan's going well, he's loads of charm. When he's having a really good gig, he's loads of charm. But when it's something like that, no. But it's a function room

in a hotel and the average age of the audience is about 65. I think the noise you're being distracted by is the shower is that a shower yeah but i'm assuming again it won't be picked up as soon as these mics don't pick up anything aside from our voices from now on it's all good

um so yeah it uh i had one where i said something in the minute i left my mouth i realized it had been taken the wrong way and i had it like i had to chow me way out of it um so i was getting constantly heckled by this woman. It was an older woman, quite heavy set. And she was arguing with me about being little spoon. Because I was doing a routine about it. I like being little spoon. Oh, yeah, yeah. And she was mugging us off.

Like, fucking, no, the man's big spoon. And she's throwing it like, there's a set rule. Your man's got to be big spoon. And she just wouldn't let us get on with it. And I'm trying to argue with her. And she's a bit drunk as well. and i've just i just went i'm surprised you're even sharing a bed meaning i'm surprised you're not single well why you bet yeah because everyone looked at her and i went i'm surprised you're sharing a bed everyone's like oh and i

went oh no not like that you're the ones that went there sorry I didn't use my words in the right way but my heart sank and I was like oh get out of this one fuck god but then worst thing for Ryan is then he was staying

in the hotel afterwards and his granny turned on him his granny turned on him as well as the whole audience turning on him yeah he said

half his family started crying half his family weren't talking to him afterwards it's not a great gig it's not a great gig because he wouldn't

get up stage when he was just telling them all to fuck off because they turned on him for what he'd said I think there was yeah it looked like

the room looked like there was about 200 capacity and he said 50 or 60 left which like in a small town in Ireland

that's a third of the population you know what I mean like that's a you can't roam the streets one and three like when I gigged in Alderney

I done a gig in Alderney and then you walk around the island and everyone says hello to you. Yeah, it's like doing a gig on a cruise ship and not doing well. So I think we've discussed all the facets of Ryan Cullen's being there.

Hearts out for Sponge. Hearts out for Spongy Cullen. Also follow Sponge on Twitter. What's his Twitter handle? Because he's fucking remarkable. At RyanCullen90. At RyanCullen90. At RyanCullen90. follow him on there you'll find it's a millennial um so what was it so what was the muggle thing russ is a red veil it's a blue yeah you fucking muggle in in straight

in um so this is more and this is a very specific one it's almost as specific as remember last week i was saying muggles ask who's your town coming Yeah. This one is, Muggles talk about DVT when they're talking about flying to Australia. DVT? Deep vein thrombosis. Oh. You know what I mean? So Muggles go, make sure you wear those socks. Yeah.

You don't want to get deep vein thrombosis. I know a guy who got it. You don't know a guy who got it. Is this old Muggles? Do people of all ages talk about this? People talk about this. Yeah, yeah. People talk about other things.

Because I'm going back in between. In the middle of this Australia run, I'm going back to the UK for two weeks. And people have actually gone, well, two long holds like that in two weeks? We want to be careful. That's where deep fans from Boston will get you. I was like, oh, sorry, Jonathan, who works in a bank.

What are you talking about? Like, you've read one article. It's like people talking about aspartame and Diet Coke no you don't know you've just read a thing and now you're attributing it to it

it's not a thing so Mr. fucking man that works in the bank talking about deep vein thrombosis fucking take the flight stand on

your head and get deep vein thrombosis in your fucking yellow in your earlobes I've never even considered deep vein

thrombosis as a thing I just thought that's like varicose veins like pensioners get it it's something you have to worry about later in life yeah but that's why

that's why you're supposed to do all the like the exercises on the plane and things like that where it recommends to do all that stuff well to stop getting

deep vein thrombosis sometimes when I'm flying I give myself a foot job yeah I just I just wank up other people's feet with my hands other people's feet stop getting deep vein thrombosis. Sometimes when I'm flying, I give myself a foot job. Yeah, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, Tom Horton by the way he was there going that's not a full pun that's like half a pun you pun the middle bit but not the outside Tom Horton by the way who we always do I always try and do

as many pun based jokes as I can in each podcast just for Tom Horton who's a good mate of ours as well Tom messaged me so remember did you get iced out

when we went to Ministry of Sound were you at that yeah yeah remember we were in London we went to Ministry of Sound yes and I started

I was at my fucking melon that night I forgot which city I was in. That's the, I'd been on a European tour and I was just in the middle of London but we're at Elephant Castle so I didn't recognise

anything around. And I just thought, I was like, genuinely, what city are we in? So we went to Ministry of Sound and I had sorted out through my friend Marcus O'Leary

who's a DJ in Dublin. So he'd arranged for passes into Ministry so we got iced out which was essentially just VIP upstairs on a student night where we didn't have to queue at the bar. That's all it was, essentially. It was great.

But it just meant we didn't have to queue. So Tom messages me this morning, right? 7.30 this morning, Tom messages me, which is 11.30 back home on a Saturday night in London. He's out with his mates. He's like, listen, buddy, any chance you can get me iced out tonight? Made a few little lads are thinking ahead to the Ministry of Sound

and I was like oh sorry Thomas Houghton son of the former General of the Military of Britain lives in the Tower of London in the Tower of London

you're messaging Andrew Stanley an Irish man who's in Perth, Australia the other side of the fucking world trying to get yourself iced out

in a club that you can just pay into. You've got direct contact with the Queen. You have literally your dad's got the Queen's number. Ring the Queen and go, hi, Ministry of Defence here, looking to get into Ministry of Sound. Like, sort it out.

Don't message Andrew Stanley who's 7.30 in the morning and say, any chance you can get me iced out tonight? he's honestly like a man with all of the strings and doesn't know which one to put he's a bag of strings

but no to attach them to that should be the name of his next show no strings attached so anyway muggles talk about the event for Moses

when they talk about flying to for Moses when they're talking about flying to Oz or any long haul flight I've never encountered it personally but if I didn't encounter it if I get this flight

tomorrow to Adelaide and someone starts giving us a DVD chat I'm like DVD chat DVD you want to buy some pirate DVDs

I would be like looking at the person sat next to us on the flight going are we having this conversation are we talking about deep brain

from Moses why don't we talk about off-riders as well go on what's your second mugg having this conversation? Are we talking about deep brain thrombosis? Why don't we talk about arthritis as well? Yeah. Go on. What's your second muggly muggle? I think we're only going to get to two. Okay.

Save them one. Yeah. So my second one, so Natalie suggested this one, and I totally stand by it. It's forming an orderly queue for a bar. Oh, God. This happens occasionally.

You'll find yourself in a queue, and you'll see the flat bar staff, and you're just the flat bar staff, and you're just like, why? You know who I blame? Who? I blame England. I blame English bars. Really?

Because they only do one drink at a time, as in one order at a time. All right. Memory card just ran out of battery. Memory card ran out of battery. That's what I just said. The memory card ran out of memory and stopped in the middle

of our banner so we just we just went on freestyle on the boat bar staff and queues at bars it was so good the people outside

were applauding luckily we caught it we didn't go too far so we can revisit what we just said you had just been talking about the queues at the bar are because

in British bars in British bars it's kind of like it's one order at a time whereas in Irish bars it's like numerous orders. The barman will be like, they'll be pouring a pint of Guinness, then they'll look to the left and go, what do you want? And then they'll start getting other drinks while he's pouring other pints.

I wonder if that's down to the fact they're pouring Guinness. Sometimes. So they're like, well, this is going to take eight minutes. I might as well start everybody else's order. Sometimes it is that. But I think you see them when they're just pouring normal beer and things like that. It's just multitasking. Because that fucks it up when there's a queue in a bar.

That isn't just like everybody get as close to the bar as possible. It starts like you have to cut through it to get to the toilet. It wraps around the seating areas and stuff. And it's all absolute mugglery that people are inflicting this upon themselves. I was just telling you earlier before the memory card cut out before the memory card

I had an experience of extreme queuing like absolute extreme queuing yeah you know the Commonwealth Games

when they come to Scotland oh yeah okay were they in Britain or just Scotland it'll be Britain so I was in Glasgow and me and Natalie got tickets to the track and field

at Hampden Park yeah and so this is a football stadium they have like fucking big concerts there national stadium jc was there and shit so there it's a it's a huge national stadium and if you go to a stadium you know you just flood in right it's the only way to fill a stadium exactly what like 80 000 seats maybe got allocated seats straight in just walk in doesn't matter so because it's not the usual people that go to concerts

or go to football matches or rugby matches or whatever like these people that come to the Commonwealth Games and they don't know that you just flood

into and the queue the former orderly queue single file queue into a football stadium like 80,000 deep was it just one entrance as well

fuck yeah because we had like trace it back like we had to fucking walk right back and like kind of follow the queue like ridiculous they had like traced it back like we had to fucking walk right back and like kind of follow the queue

ridiculous they were like ants it was ridiculous lemmings no like real like there was no ushers or like marshals

security or anything like that but you know they would have gone yeah we don't need a lot of security because it's Commonwealth Games

you know what I mean they would have been like nothing rowdy is going to happen although it probably is a terror threat yeah yeah you know but like that's not going to happen. Although it probably is a terror threat. Yeah, yeah. You know, but like,

that's not going to, no one's going to attack a single file queue. Single file queue, take out seven people. We don't need to police this. So wherefore with this queue? And we're like kind of conforming, but like getting a little bit angry

at people just going, why aren't we just all flooding towards the stadium? Can we not just, everyone just break ranks right now and snap out of this mugglery. And then I get to a point where the queue goes right up a hill and you can see about as far as a kilometer because of the gradient.

And then it dips over the hill. So you don't know how much further it goes after that kilometer. And then it comes back around and down past itself to get to the stadium. And when I got to this point, I was like, am I going to walk a kilometer there and a kilometer back? Or am I just going to cut across and when I got to this point I was like am I going to walk a kilometre there and a kilometre back or am I just going to cut across

and go to it when there's like there's no real reason for this queue to be a thing so me and Natalie just cut across the queue and just started like but also even

even if I hadn't cut across like you would have done I wouldn't have walked I would have just stood there till the queue caught up on me on the other side yeah till the person

that was in front of you got back and then you're like oh I'm gonna have my place back now I'm gonna go here yeah so we cut across

and oh my god the fucking feathers were ruffled this guy was just like do you think you're better than all of these people that you can just cut in front of everyone

that's walking up there and walking down and I was like I don't think I'm better than them I think they should do it too I think I'm more intelligent

I think we should all do it ridiculous everyone on me fucking look I've broke ranks but everyone that's fucking charged now better than them I think they I think they should do it too I think I'm more intelligent I think we should all do it everyone everyone on me fucking look I've broke ranks but everyone that's fucking charged now

so he was just like the whole rest of the queue just in my grill he took a photo of us like what are you going to do that post like

60 twitter followers as if he even has twitter ridiculous and then he threatened to tell the police oh god of all the things you should be arrested for, that would be amazing if that was what you got arrested for.

If I got locked up. Line skipping. I mean, I've seen you skip lines. One of those ones. Drawing lines on the wall of my fucking cell. By the way, I've never skipped a line. Double the line. Tell me two snips.

Tell me two snips. Tell me two snips. So he, because the police were like near the front of the stadium where they were doing like little, putting you through

the turnstiles and shit, right? So the police were there and he was like, I'm going to tell the police when I get out of the police. I was like, oh,

they'll send a helicopter. Fucking muggle off. Muggle off. The worst insult you can do muggle off um the so i but i reckon yeah that's that's muggly so you think that's to cue when you're not meant to cue when you're just meant to like cue and you don't need to cue when you just flood forward like just sort we're all you know you go into the hairdressers you sit down everyone kind of knows where they are yeah you don't even queue outside the hairdresser no i queue outside the hairdresser everybody with bad hair even when you're like at nando's

waiting for your takeaway like you'll sit in yeah it's everybody's we're all adults actually that's a bad example people do cute nandos yeah but it's fucking muggles they're chicken uh i've got to let me pick one of these then oh here we go I'll do this one muggles complain about Monday mornings or hump days stop it hump day it's just a day

hump day it doesn't matter no matter how bad your day is someone just died you know what I mean like it's not a bad day oh Mondays how do I get through this

like you did every other Monday yeah 50 times this year and 50 times the year before you'll be fine. If you don't like your job, fucking shop around, buddy.

Yeah, exactly. Nobody's day is that bad. Back yourself into that corner. Get myself through hump day. Oh, come on. Well, we say this, but I hope this is helping you on your Monday morning commute.

I hope you're getting through this. I hope you're running to work and you've got a little more pep in your step because of Garrett's wall. I think you've got to enjoy your life regardless of the weekend. Yeah. Right? So I think you've got to find fun at work.

Obviously, it's easy for me to say I'm a comedian. I love the shit out of this. If I was a millionaire, I'd still do gigs. I don't do it for the money. So, obviously, I love what I'm doing. But even when I worked at the legislature center, I used to fucking enjoy the people I worked with and enjoyed certain elements of the job.

I mean, it was a cleaning job for a lot of the time. Well, a glorified cleaner has been a lifeguard. You're off the pool. You've got to be utilized for the 30 minutes you're off. Yeah, yeah. And some of the job stuff sucked but you know what

just have a bit of morale enjoy yourself and as well it's a trade they're giving you money yeah you're going to work they're giving you money

fucking have a smell on your face that you're getting some money exactly exactly it's not like you know it's not like unless you're like

I was going to say if you're working as an intern for free or something like that, maybe. But then chances are you're working as an intern for free to get into a job you really want. So there's a reason you're doing it. You know, nobody interns for nothing. You know what I mean? As in, like obviously they might do it for free for six months or something. Nobody's doing it to not get the experience they want to get a proper job that they love properly.

But like to be going like, oh God, Monday how when will this day end oh my god it's just like putting up it's just going so you'll have 100 people going no how you feeling hon yeah i'm here with you babes what a great day i mean we'll get through this and then looking forward to friday you know it's like just go for a drink on monday then yeah you know what i mean just have a drink after work yeah go to the cinema just enjoy that someone's buying you yeah someone's fucking giving you money to do some shit

yeah oh fucking what a world we live in what a world somebody's paying you money to live your life it's probably not even that bad no you probably go in

even if it's a bit mundane and shit like say if it's fucking I don't know like stacking shelves no disrespect to people that stack shelves fucking no but

it's gotta be done repetitive stuff but there's probably gonna be a point where you're stacking shelves where you're like this sucks a bit of to be done but there's probably going to be a point where you're stacking shelves where you're like this sucks a bit of a dick yeah but you know what

you're not shoveling shite out of a sewer there's also a point where you're putting your fucking deposit down on your holiday and you're like thanks for the money

yeah exactly you're not like you know you're not like a rat catcher or you know like a rat catcher that's a job

or like you're not cleaning out shit from Portaloos and you know what even those guys it's a job that's a job or like you're not cleaning out shit from Portaloos and you know what even those guys it's a job it's a job yeah

that's why it's called a job you got a job the other option is you don't have a job you feel like you don't fit into society you got no money you go on a serial

killing spree yeah and if you if you don't have a job and you listen to this it's fucking great you got money off yeah well done you

very impressive or you can at least do it every day you like. You're so down all the time. Everyone just put a positive spin on it. So there we go. So hold on. So what are you saying? In the corner?

Yeah, if you complain about Mondays. I think it's quite natural to complain about Mondays and Wednesdays as long. But to put a hump day Yeah, stop being a fucking Eeyore I like I like

when I went to work I was just like fucking well especially even when I worked in the factories I worked like

packing lipsticks and shit and I was packing lipsticks fucking used a lot yeah I was like I was there like on minimum wage but i was like oh if i work a little bit harder i'll get a commission on the on the extra fucking boxes that i pack and

i just made something of it like uh that's where i met my mate grassy who i'm good father for children now and uh we used to just shoot the breeze you can you can make of it yeah exactly you know like if your job sucks you you you don't have it doesn't have to suck yeah i worked at mcdonald's great fun yeah one of the best jobs i've ever had because you added a little bit of it doesn't have to suck. Yeah, I worked at McDonald's. Great fun. Yeah. One of the best jobs I've ever had. Because you added a little bit of fucking morale to the work environment, because you laid up a room.

Oh, thanks, man. Thanks, man. Thanks, buddy. I'll put my top back on. Leave your trousers off, though. T-shirt, no trousers, like a toddler. Yeah, that's how I play football. Oh, fucking speak to toddlers.

I've got to go and do that gig in a minute. Let's finish this up really quickly. Muggle Corner, really quickly. Q and at the bar. Yes, Muggle Corner. Was it red versus blue? Yeah, 100%. DVT chat.

Yeah. Yeah. And what was the last one I just did? Oh, Monday. Did they complain about Mondays and Wednesdays? Monday, yeah. Yeah, I think being a weekend millionaire lifestyle is a little bit like you're fuck you've fallen

you've fallen into a routine yeah you know you only enjoy a certain aspect of your life like a real small portion of it two sevenths

in fact two sevenths man you've got to try and work out a way to enjoy seven sevenths of your life seven sevenths even if that means

enjoying your job or a hundred percent as most people say seven sevenths that's imperial admetric oh alright here we go ready we'll say 7-7 that's imperial admetric oh alright here we go

ready I was just to get my dad's your dad let's go okay let's find them mine have been assisted by Josh Pugh

again this week I've got a couple of Kerry I'm just going to have to remember which ones they are because when I was writing them down

he spat a couple of great ones out but then he ended up writing loads and started reading them out of us and I'm like nah dude

we've got to get you on the podcast these are brilliant exactly you go first yeah when your dad But then he ended up writing loads and started reading them out of us. And I'm like, nah, dude, we've got to get you on the podcast. These are brilliant. Exactly. You go first? Yeah. When your dad lets the plug out of his bath, he stands above the plug hole rotating clockwise. That's ridiculous.

Is that what it carries? Your dad offered to help out with your junior football team. When he turned up wearing running trainers instead of boots, he was instantly demoted to collecting subs. What a boy your dad watches the UFC wins but he doesn't watch the fights because he doesn't

like violence yeah he watches the press conferences to save money your dad refused to buy Billy Bear ham instead he bought regular ham

and drew a face on it with Byro every way you can make a saving Kevin Humphries to buy Billy Bear ham. Instead, he bought regular ham and drew a face on it with Byro. Every way you can make a saving. Kevin Humphries. Oh, no. I can't really roll this down. Go on.

I'm going to say it. Can you not read your own handwriting? Your dad cut one of the boobs off his boob apron in solidarity with your mum. What? It's ridiculous. Your dad pretends to other men

that he's annoyed about temporary traffic lights but he's actually completely indifferent towards them he pretends to get angry pretends to get angry

but he doesn't mind them he actually enjoys sitting in the car a bit longer wears his driving gloves you know he thinks it gives him an extra level of depth

if he just seems to be like irate about something just creating creating his image your dad dreads the clocks going back because he'll get

an extra hour of being lonely your dad once bid on a property because he found the estate agent intimidating your dad lost

his handcuff keys so he carries his briefcase everywhere your dad eats natural yogurt he's on a health kick. To go with that would make him a muggle.

Your dad is completely against threesomes and says it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve and Eve. When your dad plays air guitar, he's imagining it's an acoustic. Just strumming it. He's playing bass. Just sitting down strumming it

your dad plays bass on the air guitar your dad plays air triangle oh this is what it carries your dad's not sexist but he still gets surprised whenever he sees

a male nurse your dad counts numbers on his fingers he counts numbers on his fingers yeah Merrick another one it carrie's hold on yeah this is another one of carrie's

i've got i've got two more carries but i've put one of mine in the middle so i'm just confusing myself here mixing it up i just want to make sure i give him a shout out for the ones yeah uh carrie marks your dad ties his shoelaces to things so he doesn't wander off. He's got diamonds. Your dad only eats after 8pm. It's the rules. It's the rules. What do you think they called that?

But you know what? Even like 7am the next day is after 8pm. Exactly. That's how he loopholes it. Your dad's the kangaroo that got punched in the video. When your dad's going on holidays, he prints out daily itineraries and keeps them in a clear A4 folder.

When he's going away on holidays? Oh, that was something that Natalie wanted to put in Muggle Corner. Let's quickly address it. Muggles print out their boarding pass. Who the fuck does that? That was part of it as well. All that stuff. Put it all in the folder get it ready

yeah like you've got your phone yeah what are you going to knock down a printed out boarding pass in fact as well I don't have a printer

do many people have printers these days I had a printer and now I don't anymore I live on the bounce so I don't know how I get a printer out cool

last one your dad this is not what it carries your dad says and that's why i married her every time your mom says something remotely intelligent uh your dad uses bumper lanes when he goes bowling and still can't get a strike well my dad sure got it there dad didn't have a great time there.

They got told what's what. They got told who's who and where are we going. Our dads aren't remotely as bad as Gareth Waugh. Yeah. Waugh. You know what Gareth Waugh's dad did? Made Gareth. Yeah.

Your dad made Gareth Waugh. And he spammed with swimming. Yeah. Like muggles. Muggles swim. Your dad tried to abort his foetus and it ended up as Gareth Waugh. He's got a coat hanger

sticking through his face everywhere he goes. And he doesn't know what he's talking about. So, Sloss, next time you do a next time you do a um next time you do a

a podcast with Gareth put a gimp mask on him and fucking lock the zip yeah and make sure you get the fucking grant from the government because you're working with special needs you know

just fucking nodding long and agree with fucking everything he says come on come on mate have some self respect self respect dignity

we get it we know he's having to get you loads of minutes on a new place right well I've got to run to me gig I'm running late see you later muggle

bye