Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.4 Stranger Danger

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

Muggins regales us with a story of being emasculated by a nude intruder and Cream reminisces about his equestrian days at Christian boot camp. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We're in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? We are back.

Muggins and Cream. How are you, Muggins? Guess who's back. Back again. Muggins is back. Bring some cream. Bring some friend. It is cream.

It is cream. It is cream. Na, na, na. Na, na, na. Two banterful boys go around the outside. I've got to stop. You've got to stop. We'll just come back from the gym.

We'll go totally jacked at the gym. Come back and have some protein shakes like a couple of men. I did some roids. Jabbed some pricks in her ass and then did some roids. Fun with friends. How are you, Muggins? I'm good Fucking middle of the day this one

We're normally late at night Doing a podcast After a gig or whatever But we've got a day off on tour Fucking three days off can't we? And we're having some afternoon stoner session Aye We went to the gym

We ate some good food And eh Yeah it's our last day Where have we been? Where have we done since the last podcast? We've been to Warwick Art Centre. Warwick Art Centre, which was very good. Yeah, they changed the room.

We were in a little cinema room. That was pretty sweet. We did fucking Hull. Nottingham Glee, which is always a joy. Nottingham Glee, aye. And then Preston, was it? And Stairwell Ricketts. I think we've spoke since we've stayed with Ricketts.

The last podcast we did was in Nottingham so our friend lives in Liverpool so when we're gigging in the North West

we'll just stay at his house and he's been a great host because he's been off all week with a broken arm swan chased him

swan chased him he went for a jog around the lake and swan chased him snap snap like it wasn't even its beak.

It was its tail feathers. He just snapped his arm in half. He's the myth. He's the truth behind the myth that swans can break your arm. They are hard to punch, swans, I reckon. Good head movement. Good head movement.

Don't get me wrong. I reckon if you get in a fucking chokehold, it's game over. But even if you punch it, that's enough. I think there's no taking one down. It's got such a low centre of gravity, you're not going to do a little leg sweep and take it to the ground. So the choke's going to have to be from standing.

It's a proper eye, it's a proper jack. You've got to get the body. And even if you do fucking clock its head, I don't know if you're going to be able to knock it out because it's got so much neck that it absorbs so much. And if you want to get the body lock on, you're going to have to get your... You've got to get your leg lock on you're going to have to get would you go because you've got to get

your leg underneath and then lock it in but because it's only got two legs in my head I was thinking I have four legs and you get it in between the bottom legs

and the top legs what swans have you seen that have four legs like when I was picturing choking out a swan the swan I was choking out had four legs yeah but you're also

like choking out most of the minutes from your experience of choking out men I've never seen swans Galloping through the park Jumping into the lake Oh they're so

Grateful Just watching tiny Little squirrels Ride in the back of them Into war with the badgers Oh man Animals of Farth and Woods Went fucking all out

Proper fucking race war then Fucking badgers are going Down to the pontass. The fish of the land like honour the old pact. Calling allegiances. A game of thrones shit going on. No, when I broke his arm

he was in a war zone. Or a war zone. Didn't pledge his allegiance to the fowl. Aye, to the fowl? Oh yeah. Was it fowl? You think I was just being a joddy and calling a baby horse? Aye. Fowl? Fowl? What yeah Was it Fowl? You think I was just being a Geordie And called it Baby Horse

Aye Fowl? Fowl? Gears of War 4 Oh we've also been playing Gears of War 4 We were playing Gears of War 4 before?

Aye My eyes are sore From playing Gears of War 4 before Gonna do some more? Sitting on the floor? Oh god I mean we've

I mean We've not even got to 10 minutes And we're already Doing one syllable Stick around Music Fucking

Dead air I don't know if we have any There's a story That I wanted to tell on the podcast And you've heard this story From text messages Because I was keeping you informed

As the story was going on Is this the story About you being a little bitch Well Yep Did you Let's dissect the story Right let's

Let's break it down Find out if I'm a little bitch But the headline If it like We let's dissect the story right let's let's break it down find out from a little bit but the headline if it like we'll go into the story but the headline is kyle's a little bitch like that and then like the little mini header is uh acted like an absolute whip a reflection got bitched on reflection i was a little bitch but i don't think there was any other option i feel like i was backed into a corner. Get into it, and I will tell you all of the other options. Right, so the story started at 9 o'clock on Sunday morning. On the Saturday night, me and Natalie have been eating clean and off the booze, so we just had a quiet night there and watched some box sets,

went to bed sober Saturday night. So we woke up sober Sunday morning. Woke up to a naked man walking through the room. Natalie's bedroom. So if you're at home right now, picture the bed you sleep in every night, right? And picture a naked man coming into the room and walking past the foot of your bed. This is what happened to me. This is my life, right?

This guy walked into the en-suite bathroom of Natalie's room. And I woke up. Just butt naked. And I was like, who the fuck was that? Like, who was that dude? And at this point in the story, I am with you 100%. You've done nothing wrong so far. There's nothing, I mean, this is completely out of my control.

My first impression as well was like, whoever this guy is, so my assumption is, which was the correct assumption, he's back in the flat with Natalie's flatmate, who'd been out drinking, brought back a guy, right? But then I'm like, how does he know where Natalie's en suite bathroom is it's also just like it's the fully naked thing it's just first of all

him being a proper it was balls out more ways than one right what was his dick like he covered it with his hand oh just one hand a finger

he put his finger on his penis like you would with the nipples of a girl walked in oh my god put his finger on his penis. Like you would with your nipples if a girl walked in. Oh, no! Just cover it.

Just leave your penis out. A finger over each nipple. Oh, that was close. So that's what you did. He comes in covering his jug with one hand and you immediately cover both your nipples. I cover my nipples. Fucking unlike Natalie, who's just like

here's my boobs naked guy it's a naked guy walks through the room and I was like who the fuck was that and she was like I don't know

very very quick answer from Natalie as well just no idea no idea hey Natalie how you doing oh hey you look like a Greg how does he know your name

well he must have read it on Greg. How does he know your name? Oh, he must have read it on the post. Why does he know exactly where your toilet is on? Who, a mystery? Why are his slippers in there? It's a fucking naked guy. She's wearing it. Familiarly walks through the room.

You roll over and she's wearing his shirt. Oh, did you find it? And he was fucking ripped as well, man. The guy was like he wasn't the tank of a man, but he was like fucking cut, you know, like he was like shadow off gladiator as if shadow was white. So you just saw a very lonely sexy, like you're in a very

lonely like sex-based sushi restaurant and you're just sitting there waiting for naked men to walk past you and you'd be like, I think I'll have that one. And I'd be like, you're doing it wrong, you're vertical, there waiting for a naked man to walk past you'll be like I think I love that one and I'll be like you're doing it wrong you're vertical you need to be horizontal for this to work

the sushi won't balance on your shoulders I mean you're doing the sushi thing wrong who's the weirdo now the guy in the bedroom the guy shouting sushi references

right so the guy walks through bit of a fucking unit he's in the bathroom and I just went dude are you with Kat so the guy walks through bit of a fucking unit he's in the bathroom and I just went dude are you with Kat

who's Natalie's flatmate and he just went yeah mate as if we're familiar yeah just as if you're like oh nice one

she's well fit congrats don't wash your hands let me smell your fingers after the piss High five And then smell my own fingers Homeopathy

Finger sniffing Homeopathy sex If I touch someone That had sex five days ago Count Technically had a foursome And then Natalie wasn't involved So we assume it's a spectator

Did you kind of feel like when he walked through the first time that you were on a sex based Blue Peter episode where she just finished having

sex with you and she's like and here's one I did earlier finished him off you could notice the gleam my eyes in better

shape this one I didn't realise I was at the front of a queue I mean I would have rushed it I'm pretty sure, I would have rushed it. I'm pretty sure she assumed

you had rushed it anyway. It didn't take my time. What was the food for me to be? My favourite

like, favourite used is, I might not have a big dick but I've got a fast arse to justify.

If you had this arse pushing that dick you'd be in trouble. It's when you're just like a just like a fucking sewing machine but a woodpecker like a hummingbird

oh yeah a woodpecker that's what I meant no a hummingbird would just be you sort of leaving your dick outside of her vagina just hovering

hovering near it and then occasionally slapping yeah that's yeah going away with A little bit of nectar on it So they're dudes In the bathroom

I showed through Are you with cats Just to clarify That's not a burglar It was weird Oh yeah I've come here To steal some clothes

And some shampoo Like it's normally I'm here to steal some clothes. I threw shampoo. Like, it's normally fucking burglars do so much to, like, cover their face. Like, so you can't recognize him. What he's done is the other plan, which is he's just clearly distracted you so much by his body that when the police come in for a description, what do you look like? Well, he had an eight pack for days. What kind of hair did he have? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. He shaved down there. Also, clearly doesn't skip leg day. Any defining features? Just loads of pecs. Glutes. Glutamous is maximised. Anyway,

Danny just coughing his lungs out. It's like that remember that old joke where the woman's having an affair with a man and her husband comes home from work early and she's like quick get in the cupboard and then the man gets in the cupboard and then the bathroom

let's say it's the bathroom and then the woman goes oh there's a pair of shoes outside who's are they and he's like oh the guys he had to see about the moths and then he opens the bathroom door and sees a naked man and goes those bastards Because, oh, there's a pair of shoes outside. Who's are they? And he's like, oh, the guys he had to see about the moths. And then he opens the bathroom door and sees a naked man and goes, those bastards.

We got there. So he's in a scene about the moths. He's naked in my bathroom. Asks me for a cat. Yeah, mate. I thought it was a bit abrupt. As if I've got, as if there's no reason I should be asking this. Why are you interrupting a man during a piss or a shit?

However, I don't... Right. So Natalie's first response was, turn the bathroom light on. Because the bathroom light's outside. She wish I was the same. The bathroom light's outside the bathroom, so he's in there in the dark. She's like, turn the bathroom light on for him.

Like, what the fuck? I don't care about his well-being. And then she was like, he's going to piss on my bathroom floor so then I turned the light on and my floor pissed

on him so I'm just helping the guy and then I couldn't hear I couldn't hear pissing it's like

even the fact you're just there with a cup just listening through the door pissing on this don't use the toilet I mean

you hear through the door so like because I turned here through the door So like Because I turned the light on I'm like Listen through You can hear someone Pissing from the room If it's in the en suite

And I just went Dude Are you taking a shit And then he just got Real arrogant Just went Nah mate I'm having a fucking piss

And I just Instant knee jerk reaction Just went Who the fuck You with me son I'll knock your fucking teeth in Through the bathroom door and then I realised

like he's naked I'm naked I've just started a fight with a naked guy through a door who on visuals he could probably take us

in a fight but I've got a little bit of blive in us so I'd stand a chance but regardless of what chance I stood just distract him with your erection

yeah licking his washboard tiny little erection just trying to get him to get you into the sleeper hold. The Walter Jericho. I just feel this fucking small of his dick in your back. Want to slip it in? So, I didn't want to have a fight with this dude.

Like, as much as I'm pissed off because he's fucking just stormed into my room, potentially having a shit in the bathroom, right? I mean, knee-jerk reactions to have a fight. but you can't do a little bit of pre-fight admin like if he opens the door i can't be like handing him a pile of folded clothes going oh you're gonna get it once you've put these on this is where you and i constantly have the argument about this because i agree with you you couldn't give him clothes but there's no reason why you couldn't have put on clothes i slipped on a pair of pyjamas. Oh, all right, okay. To intimidate him.

I slipped into a sexy little number. And just so you know, I don't own any pyjamas, so I was wearing Natalie's. I had this nice little pair of hot pants on, my heart's on. All right. Well, actually, her pyjamas

are actually his pyjamas. This is his shirt. He comes out, he's like, is that my shirt? No. It's his big guns. So, regardless, even if I went fully,

full body of clothing on, I still don't want to fight a naked guy. Why? Like, just don't. It's not on my agenda. Especially nine o'clock in the morning, I just woke up. Haven't you had me breakfast?

So, eh... Don't want to fight on an empty stomach. Natalie instantly just gets out of bed to go and snitch on him to Kat so runs through to Kat's room and then

they didn't come back and then this guy come out of the fucking bathroom looking a bit stunned looking a little because drunk as fuck didn't quite realise

where he was and he's like looking around and he just went you're fucking kidding me I'm there on a boat just sat in bed

he stood over us with his dick out you're fucking kidding me I was like you're on a boat he was's sat in bed he's stood over us with his dick out you're fucking kidding me I was like what are you on about he was like I thought there'd be some birds here and then walked out the room

you got fucking rinsed what the fuck is happening in my life you're getting demasculated to shit you're lying in bed with your woman who let's not even get into the patriarchy of this but like

you're there to protect her from intruders like that's that's your role what has I told him about oh yeah he fucking

he turned the light on massaged his feet fucking folded a pair of fucking pyjamas for him then he came out he said

he couldn't there's no birds here and what was your reply I bet it wasn't there was one earlier I've got a page Natalie

this isn't my room I've just got lots of bitches and fucking hen parties up you fucking bitch no I think we haven't really got the bottom of like

what the fuck he was playing at right so you were just looking for the bathroom in front of the bathroom he just came in he clearly saw he clearly saw men's shoes

at the front door it was like right there's another man in this house I need to make sure that I'm the absolute alpha in this fucking household

and he come in just pissed in my room just pissed all over it marked his telly mine now write the mortgage out in my name it's rented

it's not even rented by me but I may take it I was gonna call you on that so yes so he just fucking done that. So my logic is, so this guy, you come back with a girl,

knows she's got a flatmate, and is thinking like, okay, how am I going to up the game? I'm going to go fucking try and instigate this reason, walked in Natalie's room, trying to find the flatmate, but fucking she's there with that dude, and then that's like, I think that's his psychology. I think he's a fucking real gamer, and he was taking a punt on it like to have that kind of bravado he was definitely taking a punt on trying to like oh you must be cat's friend like that was his plan

to go in there fucker you did nothing at any point during that to suggest that even with a man in her bed that he could not have done that he would have been holding the camera with the attitudes yeah so that natalie's like response where she was worried she's like what if you weren't in what if i was just in the room on your own i was like fucking the predatory guy just the exact same that would happen if when you were in bed she would have like i think oh thank god you were there Why? So he didn't insult you Like So fucking the guy Walked out

And Natalie comes back in And we're just a little bit As if the thought of you Covering your nipples Is enough to fucking Intimidate this guy Who's ripped to shit And blown to piss

In your bathroom He's like I mean I fucking showed him I laid in bed tutting Rolling your eyes But I bet Kat's getting an earful now Yeah really

Send him home with the flayers yeah so fucking basically we went through the fucking living room and I started

making his breakfast and then just giving him protein shakes being like he doesn't need it he's still barking up

I know he's got a way to go yeah yeah there's no carbs in there well there's some carbs but it's oats they're good ones so I

had my breakfast and it was about an hour passes by and Kat comes through which Kat was just as bad as him she waltzed through with just a thong on just literally doing

the covering her boobs thing nice and I went oh it's hot in here I'm going to go and open the door and just waltz past her so I got like a little free lap dance off Kat

so I owe her money and then she went oh have any of you guys seen his boxers right and I started looking around the living room

for his boxers and I was like lifting cushions and stuff and I was like they realised Natalie was wearing them I'm not looking for his yeah

it's like first he uses his bathroom and now I'm looking for his Yeah First he uses his bathroom And now I'm looking for his boxers Like Should I iron them for him Please sir Yes sir Fucking throw them off the balcony No

Yeah Show him And then when he comes in I say Didn't you point at Natalie I tried to stop her I did There you go

You threw my You threw my boxers off the balcony Now it's time to toss me off no look at this this is a podcast otherwise I'll make you

stand in the fucking corner so I'm looking for his boxers and Natalie's like burst out laughing but you Natalie burst out laughing covered her eyes

and went you're looking for his boxers but you were doing it like a fucking sniffer dog and she's like right let me smell his abs right and then I'll just find out

where they are in the room all Natalie's cupboards the scent's everywhere just smelling her chin constantly it did smell like him are you done eating this

so then he comes through with his boxers on mystery solved right mystery solved oh they're mine so he come in with his boxers on and then you have like

the disappointment in your eyes and he just went like guys so shame fucking so drunk last night

fucking it happens to the best of us like he didn't apologise for it he was like he was not under threat by anyone

he was like I was so drunk last night it happens to the best of us excuse me for it more than apologise for it

he just stood there like that I was like what do you mean so drunk last night it was a fucking hour ago like 60 minutes

have passed and you've so been up to the point of fucking sleepwalking through someone's bedroom naked to go oh sorry about last night legend

you got absolutely pitched should I have should I have threw a punch you shouldn't even you shouldn't even go into the fucking bathroom mate just knock out

cats one night stand you fucking get up he's not expecting a punch you pretend girls will probably be mad at this like even though even though I'd get less rinsed off you lot pretend girls will probably be mad at this like even though even though I'd get less rinsed off you lot

like they'd probably be pissed off if I started fucking breaking furniture rolling around well as you've just I want you to understand the like precedent you've set for me now

like Natalie's over the weekend I'm going to walk through your room to have a piss there's not a fucking bathroom in there but I'm just going to do anything it's your house it's your bricks and mortar

it's your carpet I'll do it into your luggage. Mark my territory. Let you know what underwear I want you to wear on what day. Oh, man. You got absolutely... I reckon...

I just woke up at nine o'clock in the morning in a situation where the fucking answer was just to be a bitch. Just like, I don't want... Do you think maybe... I'd chin the dude for that. Because this is the thing as well. I could have like

swung a punch on him or whatever but if I look at it from a different perspective if one of our friends had done that if we heard that story off like fucking Tom

or someone yeah I would have been like you deserve to get punched would be like that's my boy yeah yeah yeah but if also his story was out and then I got punched

I wouldn't be like oh this guy is out of order I'd be like yeah you deserve to get fucking punched nah I don't think I don't think I let it bother us enough to be do you think the reason that you were asleep in the first place is because like this was the second time this happened like he'd done it five o'clock in the morning you woke up and then got up to fucking

deck him and then he just knocked you clean out cold for four hours and then you woke up again had no memory which already happened I'm getting deja vu just before swinging the punch gun i feel like i've been here before oh so that's the story about you being uh little pussy um and that's deserve the name muggins no more like mugglings times it now daniel it's time for muggle corner the part of the show where we, it's not really like gripes, it's just if you do any of these things, we just think you're a bit shit at being a person. You're just... Yeah, you're just a little robot.

A little robot with low programming language. The kind of person that if you were to donate your body to science, science would be like, nah, we're... We knew that hundreds of years ago. We've got better specimens, to be honest with you. Yeah, we knew that hundreds of years ago. Aye, we've got better specimens to be honest with you. they haven't evolved yet. Aye.

Nah. Like, muggles are the sort of people that complain about gas prices. So they'll be like, oh, do you see it's gone up five p's since the Brexit?

Like five p's, and I don't know if five p's doesn't seem a lot, but when you count like 20 litres, I've got a 20 litre engine, like, oh, that's up in the air,

that's quite a quid. And then when your pay gets taxed from the source and then you pay a tax on the petrol and it's hardly like you've got any pay left, none if it's even your own money. Just being taxed at every angle. I don't know whether I'm coming or going because I'm paying for it to come over there. I'm paying road tax as well. I'm paying road tax. I'm paying tax on the petrol.

I don't even have kids and my tax is going towards the schools. I don't even have kids and I didn't even go to school myself. And how are you doing? Yes, those are muggles. Not all these things, it is a very derogatory term but we again we are guilty of muggly things ourselves

like every time we've done a muggle corner we've done three each and like nine times out of ten we'll actually go off like we're guilty but it's about keeping that ratio up

and being aware of it as well a little bit of self-awareness muggles don't know they're muggles so if you're sat there at home thinking am I a muggle you're probably

no it's kind of like being a psychopath if you're sat there at home thinking, am I a muggle? Probably not. It's kind of like being a psychopath. If you think you're a psychopath, you're probably not a psychopath. Is that the truth? Yeah. So what about the people that are like, oh, mad me. Slash the glass off their head. Oh, fucking mental me.

They're not psychopaths because the thing they are. The thing they are, yeah. The thing they're psychopaths, so you're trying to... Psychopaths are unaware that they're psychopaths. Like, because they're just the way they're sort of... I don't know if it's psycho or socio. But that's still not conclusive, because I don't think I'm a psychopath. But it doesn't mean I'm a psychopath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I was a psychopath... No, no, but even this discussion... So the only way to prove you're not a psychopath is to think you're a psychopath? Aye. And that's how we cure them. Just try to make them self-aware, and then they stop. Just go, ah, you're mentally Just can't, I'm mental you daddy

I'm actually I'll just put this table for now Just because I can For any of our European listeners I reckon they understood about four of the words in that sentence Heed means head Now it means nothing And what does divn mean?

Div not Right, I'll go first means nothing. There you go. And what does divn't mean? Div not. Right, I'll go first. So, little rules that were applied last week is that for every muggle thing that you've done, which includes us, if we've done a muggle thing out of the six we're about to provide, if the pass and end up in muggle corner,

for every one, you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds. So if you do three of the muggly things that have been called, 90 seconds in the corner. 90 seconds facing if you do three of the muggly things that have been called 90 seconds 90 seconds facing the corner just think about how muggle you are yep just really have a good long fucking hard word with yourself cleanse your muggle right let the muggle seep through your bones and out through your toes i'm gonna go muggles like horses oh my sister's a muggle Muggle You instantly Jump to an image You're like

Own horses Not necessarily Own But like You know people are like I just love horses It's normally Girls

But muggle girls Like it's just horses I just love horses Why Like They're not even as good as dogs Less good than dogs More maintenance than dogs

Aye Aye Higher maintenance Less good Can't, more maintenance than dogs. Aye. Higher maintenance, less good. Can't sniff out a pair of boxers in a house. Horse strutting around. Just shitting themselves. You don't get the police horse running up to your luggage in security in Amsterdam. Like, humping your leg. Do horses hump your leg?

Man, if they did, I think they'd be taking your fucking knee out. Oh, man. Because I used to ride horses. Did you? Yeah. Oh, no, this gets worse. You're not going to believe this sentence, but I promise you this is true. I used to ride horses at Christian camp.

I'm not kidding. No. Yeah? So, wait. One, why were you at Christian camp So right One Why wait Christian camp Two Why does Christian camp Have a stable

Right So there's a place called Teen Ranch And it's fucking Way up the north of Scotland Basically Every Oh man

You sound like you got so non-stun No no This sounds like a child farm They take kids to Christian camp Where there's a fucking petting zoo Oh man Your ass is no dust No no no

No but they were the petting zoo It was the heavy petting zoo oh man your ass is no dust no but they were the petting zoo it was the heavy petting zoo you pet the horses while they pet you but like yeah you like that too

so basically my parents because my mum works from home constantly she just wanted to get me out of the fucking house

for hours at a time that's why I played football twice a week at the fucking sports centre that's why I did acting twice a week at the theatre.

Did she not have to take you there to get you out of the house? Yeah, but everything was like two hours. So I went to the... I've been an atheist since I was about eight years old. But the local church did the thing. It was essentially a youth club. But my logic was... Isn't it the Christian camp that turned you atheist

because everything they said, you had too much logic and were going, nah. Oh, God, it drove me insane. Nah. You're just there getting told the word of the Lord and going, nah, that can't be right. You haven't thought this through, you fucking muggle. My best friend across the road, her dad was like a proper, proper Christian and she went up

there and some of my friends went to it. So for me, I was like, for 55 minutes, I get to play fucking football, dodgeball. There's like juice. There's water. Hot juice. Hot juice. Fucking dilute juice.

Stuff you don't get at home. You know? It's like a hotel. A little biscuit. They give you biscuits. That's the sign of a good hotel. They give you biscuits. So if I could do all this. Biscuits and Wi-Fi. Biscuits and Wi-Fi. Sign of a good hotel. Sign of a good hotel. They give you biscuits. So if I could do all this.

Biscuits and Wi-Fi. Biscuits and Wi-Fi. Sound of a good hotel. Sound of a good Holiday Inn Express. Shout out. And breakfast included. Breakfast included. Breakfast included.

Wi-Fi. Biscuits. My premier. And you can suck a butt. You can't. So yeah. But to do that, I'd just have to trade it off five minutes of fucking singing songs and listening to people tell lies.

So it was just like I had to listen to a story about God and stuff. Sing a couple of songs. I enjoyed singing fucking songs. Just being textually friends. Sing one of them. Jesus loves me, this I know,

for the Bible tells me so, and Bingo was his name. Oh, I forgot the last one. You had a great time. Did I? You had the best time. That's done. He just sent me home.

I'm like, this is free. I've been spent a penny much like the lord's love you get a thing

you get a horse ride you get some juice so they had the summer camps which was again

during the summer holidays my mum works from home she wants to get me out I went to go

so she can flick a bean to snuff porn old lezzer sloss while she's at work getting paid for strumming it Old Leather Sloss Welsh is at work getting paid for strumming it playing the air guitar on herself

oh yeah so during the summer there was seven days we used to go up north and you camp out and you got to go shooting rifles, you got to go canoeing and kayaking there's like a big

water park thing they take you fucking on day trips to like like the deep sea world and stuff like that that sounds exactly like air cadets

yeah except you don't have to hear the word of god in air cadets it probably is exactly that but it just wasn't air cadets oh but you do have to

wear a uniform did you have a uniform in your fucking band camp oh I did I just had to wear a bib front to catch a uniform in your fucking band camp I just had to wear a bib to catch all the cum that was falling off

off your chin yeah so I used to horse ride remember the name of my first horse was Renegade yeah this is when it comes into the realm

of Muggle when you're like I've got a horse right let's cover this up as being slick I'm really Quisterian but my horse is called Trigger

right oh yeah this is my horse the bomb Horsey McHorseface would have been a good one it would have been very meta it would have been

beyond its time wouldn't it very hipster but yeah no sorry to my mum broke her back on a horse yeah right

no she didn't I don't know why that was meant to be like, yeah, she did. It's called, I can just say, yeah, right, like that.

Bullshit. I'm calling you on a... No, no, the Christian camp horse right now, believe, but your mother is invincible,

good sir. I've got the trump cards and your mum's strength is well above that of a horse she's got an adamantium skeleton there's no way that would happen to Leslie if anything she would have broke the horse's back

that's not how it meant to come out ah digging a hole I mean you know what was the worst I was totally fine with suggesting she scrubs it in a snuff pot. But the minute I suggested she would even harm the horse by sitting on it, I was like, no, no, no!

Oh, we're going to lose my one list. Oh, she's in China right now. They don't have the internet there, so it'll be long before she gets this. So I was new. I'd say likes horses. Just muggles like horses. Not sure.

Nah? I mean, evidence one, your sister I don't know, I think you're just saying something that you're not into because I could say muggles like golf

but then I think I'm probably just not getting the side of golf that they're getting from it. But I'm not saying like riding and raising horses. I'm just like, like them.

Like, you know, have posters of them, read books about them, favourite movies, Black Beauty. The way we like UFC, if you like horses, not horse racing, not the sports side. The people that like horses are going to think we're muggles for watching naked men wrestling. Yeah. You know, they just look at it as

something different to what it is. They don't see that. There's an element Of competition to it So I'll always argue Things are If there's an element There's no element Of competition If you're in a horse race

Then fine It may just be Like a level of love That you can't tap into Because you're a psychopath No I've got No I like dogs But I don't have

Fucking posters of them Nobody buys me bookmarks With fucking dogs on them No No this is true You've got the pet dinosaur which is a life-size velociraptor yeah which is a theme park all right very very famous um so this uh dinosaur and everybody buys you dinosaur shit oh absolutely as if i like people were like oh

sloth loves dinosaurs so much that he bought a life-size dinosaur. No, no, no. Opposite. Someone was selling a life-size dinosaur for an astronomically cheap price, and I was like, I don't need the... I'm never going to... Like, I need that in my life. It was reduced from, like, £3,000 to 600 quid. Yeah. It's eight feet long.

It's about five and a half foot high. You can ride down his back, and he's... Like, that is a steal in my books yeah I think that might sound like oh what a waste of money to some people

it's getting so much value it's getting so much value off just like guests enjoying it like as a piece of like as an instalment in the house anyone who comes around

with kids kids fucking love it my brothers loved it yeah people sit on it and sit there with a sword and get photos taken and stuff and the

the posture is I've dressed it up in loads of different ways before you're getting home I had it doing the ironing and I put the ironing board out and hung the iron on one of its claws

yeah there was one where we had him hoovering we dressed him up as Cookie Monster for Halloween he's also a clothes horse yep

and I had him playing the keyboard because his hands are like all gnarled out in front of him and when I put the keyboard on him he just looked like

he was playing a jam. And the best one to do is whenever we get high and order pizza and whenever they come to the door just deny that we can see them. Yeah. Because you can always see them

because he's right beside the front door. When you open the door the first thing you'll see is right before you'll see me. And they always look at it and they're waiting for you to acknowledge it as if like them being like

that's weird. Just pretending. Do you remember as well when i came back during the fringe and i was you and mary were over it was the day before the fringe and uh and you knew i was about to drive down the drive you knew i was like a minute away because i've just been on the phone to you and you took it outside and made it dive out of the bush you both puppeteered it out of the bush so like in my world i'm just driving home and then a velociraptor just launches out of the bush. They both puppeteered it out of the bush. So, like, in my world, I'm just driving home and then a velociraptor just launches out of the bush. Holy shit.

Even in the context of, like, you know, this is his house with a velociraptor in it, I reckon that freaks you the fuck out for at least a solid second. The fact that I could go, ah, velociraptor, oh, Rowdy, it's just you. Yeah, for anyone else. I thought it was just a random velociraptor, not my friend. So it has definitely had its value

but then again people will send you bookmarks in cups with velociraptors on shirts every fucking Christmas people who have got horses

everyone will just be inclined to get them horse stuff and they're like look this doesn't define us I'm just having a little fucking I've got my horse it's my hobby

I like riding it it's a good workout I didn't say own horses I didn't say Muggles own horses I said Muggles like horses it's like if you're a horse lover yeah you can all horses what about um like in westerns and stuff are them guys muggles no they look at the horses serve a purpose there yeah like you're riding them so there's like a lot of just like horses a lot of like purpose and everything with horses so that if you're into them you're like it's there's got

they've got quite a good history they've been involved in war you're acting like I hate horses I don't I just don't love them it's not I wouldn't put on

a dating profile loves horses I don't know if it's muggly though I think I'm going to have to veto it right well no we'll get the fans

to get back to us then right oh also yeah those are the two votes so far number one is liking horses

doesn't like horses and making a muggle? Number two, was Kai a little bitch? Oh, God. Imagine that was going to go. Right, what's your first muggle corner? The M&M's store in Leicester Square. Oh, absolutely.

Is a muggle magnet. M&M, muggle and magnet. That is a muggle magnet right there. Prime location. It is the fucking number one fucking real estate in Leicester Square in London, in the capital. And fucking... It's for sweets. It's for not just sweets.

But not even good sweets? Not even a top-ranking sweet. I reckon if I was in a garage, right, I would have to fucking go past the Twix, Snickers Double Decker? Double Decker's even better. Well above fucking M&M's. Topic. I'd probably have a Topic before I had M&M's. Like for me to have M&M's right, there'd have to

be no chocolate left and no crisps. Yeah. You know? For me to have M&M's, they've got to have sold out of everything else at the fucking cinema. And I've got to be... And it's else at the fucking cinema. And I've got to be... And it's not that it tastes bad. Like, I'm not... Man, I need to be in Stalingrad, in wartime Russia,

and ran out of the spine of books. The glue at the back of the books, right? I've ran out of fucking library candy. And then I'd be like, actually, actually daddy I'll have one of your M&M's have you got any left of course I've got some left

I'm not on death's door yet I've been using them as fuel yet yet there's a fucking store and I went in man

undercover right I went in undercover you went in dressed as a muggle. You went in dressed as a skittle. I took my fucking shirt in to walk into that store. I've gone in with Elliot Steele, and he's like, should we get a packet?

And I'm like, no. Oh, did he catch muggle? What? Did he want to buy a packet? Because the muggle had dragged him to the other side. He was in the same reason as me. They're like, this is a bit where we add the colour. Who gives a fuck

who gives the faintest of fucks yeah like who and it's it's the chocolate hundreds of people walking around

giving a fuck thousands every day apparently every last one of them a fucking muggle oh man that could be a gas chamber

for muggles just lure them in I swear yeah yeah if you were to poison every M&M made in the M&M store in London right gas chamber for muggles just lure them in I swear yeah if you were to poison every M&M made in the M&M store in London

right nobody that matter would die like two months later the economy would be the GDP for the country

would fucking skyrocket the traffic would flow yeah no I could not agree more M&M store in London is the yeah is the muggle mecca even more so than bingo I would flow yeah no I could not agree more M&M store in London is the yeah is

the muggle mecca even more so than bingo I would say yeah only like who buys a shirt or a hat with a fucking

chocolate brand on it you're not a fucking race car driver you're not sponsored you're paying to be an advert you're literally if that was a sponsor you would be gutted

with a deal right you know say if you're a fucking big UFC fighter you would be gutted with a deal, right? You know, say if you're a fucking big UFC fighter and they come at you with a sponsorship deal, right? I mean, you can't now because it's all Reebok. But fucking let's go past that part and go, right, every day I want to sponsor you. Fucking six million. What about the two million one from Monster Energy Drinks?

Yeah, they want to pay six million. All right, what's that, Bob? You've got to have the logo on it fine I'm fine with that you've also got to eat 6 on camera nah nah I'm cutting weight

oh yeah no straight in straight in at number 1 I'd say that's my next one M&M Muggle Mecca yeah Muggle Mecca absolutely in

here's one that I think is in in deniable Muggles go to the gym as a couple yes

we vetoed the look if you step foot in the gym you've already done a tough bit so you're

not a Muggle you're taking it that's beyond your comfort zone beyond your program

well done everyone going to the gym well done but again I think going away is a couple

you've got different goals you can't be doing the same thing you can't be both I mean

on the off trance you're both going for the same physique go for it but like oh well no

that's actually I didn't even consider that because in my head when I'm saying going to the gym as a couple I'm just imagining

straight couples I bet gay couples actually go to the gym as a couple I'm just imagining straight couples I bet gay couples actually go to the gym is a thing and that would actually make sense I think that's the whole reason why

you don't go with your girlfriend not because you're sexist not because you're like oh I'm not going to the gym with a bird but the fact is

your bird's probably got a different she wants to probably do for me that's not why it's for me it's probably like

how much do you need to be around each other like how desperate are you for having each other in your life? You live together, right? And if you don't live together and you go to the gym together, fucking weirdos. You're living together.

You go places together. For me, the gym is a very private thing. I'll go with the person, I'll go with you, but you and I go off to separate things. We're never doing a fucking sesh together. I think this actually puts me in Muggle Corner for 30 seconds because I do workouts in the park with Natalie

we do HIIT sessions so it's that Joe Wicks shit so we do that there's a great session I love the Joe Wicks that's good

but there we're both looking for the same goals with that we're both trying to you both want her to be slim I was going to say that then I was going to

make it about you because I realise you're the one in worse shape than she is. I just like chatting on that, like that. Yeah. So, we work out in the park, and I think, perhaps, that's Muggly. Oh, it's absolutely... How much do you need to be fucking around each other?

Let this make you sick in your mouth. We went to work out in the park and ended up playing on the swings and on the slide. Oh, my God! And on the climbing frame. Honest to God, right? It was like a montage on a movie before something

really bad happens like pregnancy I really want that bad thing to happen not pregnancy yeah I just like because we were on today

and like they were kissing as well and I'm like oh fuck oh they're kissing in the gym I didn't know you could do that fuck no we've been wasting

we've been wasting my time fuck's sake just just doing press ups like I'll do press ups above here my time fuck's sake just do press ups like I'll do press ups above you and every time we just kiss why are you

cracking my posture I'm at the water cooler I just like for me I think it's not only muggling for the act itself it's just that

if that's the kind of couple you are I think it's muggling if you're doing it to be around each other not because of your goalsly if you're doing it to be around each other not because of your goals yeah if you're doing it to be around

if you're both training for a marathon absolutely forgiven but like if you're there because you want to be with each other compromising each other's goals to be together

if you were in the gym because you need to spend more time with each other muggle muggle oh and as well any affection in that public forum

is there no not when I'm already full of testosterone watching people necking on yeah just throw away through the ceiling

right so we're agreed muggles go to gym and couples yep good and horoscopes

muggles believe in horoscopes because their minds are so small they become very self-important. And then they think that because I'm a Leo,

this happens and the universe is about me. Yeah, any absolute muggles believe in horoscopes. I'll also add into that, By the way, Natalie is a fucking huge horoscopes fan. What's this? It's not called...

Posters on a wall. She can just open the blinds. Posters on a wall. Cancer in a... No, no. Bill, Bill, Bill. Oh, yeah, like... She could just

open her blinds. Look at the stars. Yeah, but then through the day. The stars are still out there. I mean, you're a bad astrologer.

I was going to say starology and I knew that was wrong because I didn't want to say it Starologist I once said uptitude instead of altitude

uptitude uptitude what do you call it longitude longitude latitude and uptitude that is a lack of aptitude

shortitude yeah no the people are like oh so it says today's lucky numbers shortitude yeah no the people like today's my lucky number is

seven everyone's lucky number is seven anyone that believes in any of the

prediction if you have a psychic muggle like Milo McCabe one of our good friends

he doesn't have a psycho he's got a psycho. He doesn't have a psycho, he's got a psychic. Oh yeah, same thing. Psychics. Don't think they're psychics. Yeah, psychics don't think they're psychics. No one else does either. If you believe in psychics, you are honestly...

If you are a psychic, you don't believe you're psychic? Yeah, it's just exactly like psychic paths. If you believe in any of that stuff, from the bottom of my heart, you are... It doesn't matter what degree you have in university. If you believe in horoscopes or psychics, I am smarter than you.

It doesn't matter how long you study for. It doesn't matter how much of a little huff you go and think we're ignorant right now. You're so dumb. I still love you, but just because I feel sorry for you now It's like Milo

Milo's the godfather Of his fucking daughter He's one of my best friends In the world I love him to pieces But the fact that he Has a psychic Reduces my respect

From a great deal I've told him this To a stone He's gone He kisses it before His children are born Please be a boy Please be a boy

Ah, girl sperm again. Girl sperm. Oh, here's a dumb thing about me. You know, it wasn't until I was 22 that I thought the sperm was the baby and the egg was the house. Is it not? No.

Are you kidding? I don't really know. So the sperm is like there's no that's not a boy it's not a girl it's not a thing it's the egg

that's the baby and it just fertilises it and people laugh at me and said I was fucking stupid but my argument is if you make all the decisions on your eye colour and everything like that

none of that's in the sperm I think some of it's in the sperm there's DNA in the sperm but the egg's the thing that grows into the baby drugs and alcohol yeah but the thing that put me up when. Drugs and alcohol. Yeah.

But the thing that put me up, when people were taking the piss, I'm like, because I was thinking about chicken eggs. Like, the egg isn't the baby. It's the thing inside the egg that's the baby. But does that not get fertilized before the egg's laid? Does it get fertilized and then lay an egg with the shell on it? Or do you think the rooster comes along and chases an egg? I think that's how a chicken's born, but an egg is the period, right? So that's going to happen regardless if it's been fertilised or not.

Yeah, yeah. Is that right? Yeah. I don't think we know the answer, but I think logic applied, that's the answer. Yeah, chicken. That's why I don't like eggs,

because eggs are chicken periods. You can say it's not, but it is. It's just chicken periods. I would eat normal periods if it tasted like egg. Just dipping salt juice in it. Can I have that on my tombstone? I would eat normal periods

If they tasted like egg T-shirts made Muggles wear them No muggles don't wear them Because that would have to be mainstream for a muggle to wear it But because it's a thing When I say a little bit culty i mean a cult yeah very well covered for the fact that one day we probably will start releasing cups and shirts and stuff and you've just covered it around it's a

very good save there yeah um but if we do i would eat normal periods if it tasted like eggs horoscopes go and stand in the corner for 30 seconds not just yet go stand in for if you believe in horoscopes go for a fucking minute like that is a different level of do squats send us a video like Joe Wicks

from and then they stood there doing squats in the corner going we fucking Star Sign said this would happen

they said there you go you're gonna end up doing squats in the corner for a minute I mean I shouldn't even be stood here because it is true

How could I get this wrong Muggles Watch EastEnders Slash every other show like that I'm talking River City, I'm talking Hollyoaks I'm talking Doctors I'm talking low, low, low Some people watch the full works, man.

Some people will watch Corey and then go, oh, Stenders is on in a minute. They might even have Emmerdale. They might have watched Neighbours throughout the day. Dude, do they not know fucking Luke Cage is on Netflix? Oh, fucking Daredevil. Fucking gun shit. Like Breaking Bad.

Stranger Things. Stranger Things. All these things are available. You don't need to watch what the TV puts in front of you. You don't need to watch what the TV puts in front of you. Anymore, yeah anymore the fucking TV the powers that be just went

watch this and you go okay you're literally being offered choice and you're now like nah I still fucking trust them

like it it is so true people do watch because you know those magazines and I've never understood these magazines but they're just

TV magazines and they just tell you what's going to happen in next week's episode, and you're like, you're thinking, what are you doing, you're thinking,

the very little suspense there was, in the mediocre acting, like how are you, I'd blow, I'd blows my mind, and the content of them as well, is so shabby, it's so like,

just little like, he said, she said, gossipy, tips and rouse, and like real like fucking I don't know

does it make when people are watching it and they're saying people have drama in their life because that's what it is storming a teacup

household drama that could happen in your life so they're watching that and it's like oh my shit ain't that bad you know what it is

like fucking yeah but I would argue maybe even people get spurred on by it like you know if you're watching this fucking show where people are like

having arguments going through the full range of emotions yeah and every 24 hours yeah and people get spurred on by it. You know if you're watching this fucking show where people are having arguments. Going through the full range of emotions. Yeah, every 24 hours. I'm going to try and experience this range of emotions. Yeah, so they do it. And I reckon that makes for some really fucking psychotic boyfriends who are just like, no, I'm just going to be like,

I'm going to, like, loud as passion and sort of stuff. Then again, we might be doing the argument of like, you're affected by television, but I'm not affected by television. But then again, muggles might be. Muggles are affected by television. Yeah.

And the muggles are force-fed. Force-fed muggle food. Like muggle pate, muggle foie gras. Yeah. Foie gras. Foie gras. Foie gras.

Foie gras, man. So I don't think we need much of the discussion on that. We agree that EastEnders and everything else are like as muggly as balls. Yep. 30 seconds for that. And man, foie gras man so I don't think we need much of the discussion on that we agree that EastEnders and everything like it's muckily as bars

yep 30 seconds for that and man this isn't going to take much discussion this at all

because it falls in the same bracket as what you've just said and it is the X Factor the X Factor

and also just the feeling they get that they're making a difference when they make that phone call they make the

phone call to vote and it just makes them have a granule of importance on this what they consider an astronomic thing. Loving all the backstage gossip and stuff.

Oh my god, do you know what theory is that thing? Judging people. Just judging people that are trying to pursue a dream that are kind of cornered into this probably real shit contract if it doesn't go your way. Totally, X Factor is straight in. It's borderline fucking in a corner into this probably real shit contract if it doesn't go your way right totally x-factor straight in the only reason

it's borderline fucking taking the piss out of the people with additional needs yeah I do feel like we yeah we did an episode about that yeah I do feel like it's very much it's fake drama and sometimes

they use people who are not as mentally stable and just either vilify them it's not even just vilifying it's forcing people to that sort of level of famous stuff like it's such a

it can be so jarring and then we don't care like you fucking take these people who have normal lives put them straight through make them fucking famous and then

spit them out the other end spit them out the other end. Spit them out the other end after having every aspect of their life fucking scrutinised under the microscope. Like you just, only the strong ones survive and very few fucking do. The rest you've just been analysed solidly. Not even the strong ones survive. They're like so picked by the claw. Like the claw

on fucking Toy Story. Their claw. It comes down and picks one of them based on these judges. But like the most talented person who could probably bring the most success is not always the one that prevails so it takes that meritocracy I guess away from man the bit in Muff which I'd like to re-quote

is the bit where he fails his X-Factor audition Scotland's hidden interest in talent extravaganzaza for those of you that don't know me and Kai wrote a show called Muff

which is on YouTube which is basically just about TV production company that causes the end of the world there you go so he fails his audition

he's there with his guitar and he gets totally isn't through and then he starts crying saying this was my last chance this was my only hope we're never making it and then your character

is like this is your only hope you don't want to go through the fucking normal channels and actually put some fucking hours in and some miles into your dream

and chase the dream this isn't the only hope yeah I didn't but yeah if someone told me of my fucking second or third stand up gig that I wasn't going to get

television the next day I wasn't going to be famous I would even if I wasn't on television I'd still be doing stand up because I love this job yeah you've got to you've got to chase it

you've got to pursue it you've got to pursue it you can't just go like every setback you're like ah you fucked it anyway we're getting we are

we're even we're going well over as well we're at 50 at the moment we're not yet on a fucking spliff we're not going to exclusively keep these two an hour

like you can listen to podcasts whenever we're not it's just I think the first three have been kept on an hour you make people like listen to some

on the way to work and then some on the way back. You might just treat yourself. That's Muggle Corner. So we've got the X Factor, horoscopes, the M&M's store, Coronation Street and EastEnders, soap food, junk food. Going to the gym as a couple. Going to the gym as a couple.

And then the debate is horses. No horses, but if you did horoscopes, you make up that extra 30 seconds. All right. Sweet. We'll go for a joint and we'll be back in zero seconds. So you are a fucking idiot. Yes. We'll go for a joint and we'll be back in zero seconds. So you are a fucking idiot.

Yes. What did you do? I was an idiot. Oh God. So we come back from a spliff and we decided to do the games that we've

got prepared for the end and Kai didn't turn on his microphone. Not only did he not turn on, he turned it off. I don't know why

the fuck. Saving battery. you are the reason that drugs have a negative stereotype I had the same amount of weed as you did came back had a fucking good old time

but now the story that's gonna be on the papers front page muggins muggins stone shame muggins just icing at the back

just fucking smoking away and then running a podcast but that does give us the advantage of since we're already overrunning we can just go

straight on into your dad jokes and and still be under an hour so that's perfect and we'll bring back another game next week

you can go first okay your dad has no room left on his planner because he refuses to delete any episodes of Miranda. Your dad's dream is to become a parking attendant but he could never get over his fear of paper cuts.

It's fucking one of the bad parts of that trade. Right. Danger. Danger at every corner. When your pet cat died, your dad tried to flush it down the house. Your dad practices kissing on the mirror. And sex.

He would get stuck for ages at the head tilt. I know. And sex. And the head tilt for the kiss, and you turn left, and these reflections go right. Just jamming it, jamming his dick in like a fucking monkey

with a bingo dabber. Just, eh. And cracks. Gets a paper cut on it like a glass cut which is just called a cut which is what gives him fear of becoming

a parking attendant your dad spent hundreds of pounds on posters trying to get hip hop producers to listen to his demo tape why because it's fire

shopping nothing but bombs fucking knowledge bombs truth bombs lyrics do you know any dad's rap music em no sing that one about his favourite son bombs fucking knowledge bombs truth bombs lyrics do you know any dad's rap music um no sing that one

about his favorite son oh matthew also this is a thin rap anyone's going oh matthew

fucking dr trey's listen to your dad's demo i think he's into the bible or something yeah that's you now

your dad put his Nokia 3310 in a condom on vibrate shoved it up his bum and racked it up a £700 a month phone bill from pocket dialing with his arse no no just phoning himself to make him cum but he'd have to answer

no and just we could do the lame dad joke all the time being like where's that call come from oh it's coming from inside the house

what's coming from inside me up my arse on the second shelf did anybody used to say that where you go where's someone you go ah where's

where's Gene and you go up my arse on the second shelf no was that never a scene how many people are up your arse on the second shelf no was that never a scene how many people are up your arse I haven't even fucking

sought them in a cell where's Daniel up my arse on the second shelf who's on the third if they bug them off but now I've realised that it's just I don't even

this is what happens with me is I have these scenes that have been around all of my life and then find out they're not just local to Newcastle but they're local

to my street in blithe like you used to think for instance yeah we had a proper argument about this week because you can not only believe convinced and argued with me properly that poop means fart and poop does not mean part poop means poop like as in you do a poop in my world poop means fart 27 years I've said poop and I've meant fart so when I talk about oh that was just me I just pooped

just like very blasé just blasé about shitting myself in the lift sometimes I poop during sex now it's really hard to not poop whenever my girlfriend's

going down on me when me and me I used to fun fight he'd pin me down pooping my face pretty bastard your dad facetimes his dog your dad takes his own

plate and cutlery into McDonald's your dad is absolutely thrilled when he finds out that the chocolate chips and cookies turn out to be raisins

it's the greatest day or M&M's everything's coming up Kev and everyone well if your dad could be any animal it would be a kangaroo everything's coming up Kev and everyone well if your dad could be any animal it would be a kangaroo so that he could fuck a kangaroo

and not get arrested this time you'd call the kid Joey your dad came back from Marbella with cornrows proper beans your dad's banned from the zoo is that good? Let you guess why

Your dad goes in the huff If someone else presses the button On the traffic lights before him And an elevator Cried in an elevator Refused to get off Until they went back to the ground floor And got to press the button again himself

Ma'am Hands in his pockets Kicking the floor Your dad checks the coin return slot For money at the condom machines to get himself. Ma'am! Hands in his pockets kicking the floor. Your dad checks the coin return slot for money at the condom machines and service stations. Found your trolley token.

I'm not using... No, I'm not using it as a... Doesn't matter. Your dad pops his collar to let other know... Other dads know that he's up for a fight

at the school playground I mean when you're picking up kids it's just a sign if we're fucking ready to throw down Alpha that lad that walked through my room

would have popped his collar if he had any fucking clothes on your dad detached his retina trying to take out his contact lenses at the end of his session before he realised that he doesn't even wear

contact lenses it was worse it was worse when he was trying to take off a condom he was fucking scratching I think that's

that's all now I've got one more your dad buys other people's photos when he gets off the rollercoaster

just frames him and puts them in the house just lets other people have a good time house just listen to other people having a good time I just want to see his children's ugly bugs

thank you very much for listening to the podcast if the second half of that was not as good you know exactly who to blame go on Twitter and call him

a fucking piece of shit for just guilty guilty as charged punch me how you will otherwise come see us on tour

on Thursday the 15th of October we are at the Bar Theatre in St Andrews that is today if you're listening to it on the release date or yesterday

if you're listening to Friday we could go through all these Livingston on the 14th of October at Howden Park Centre and then Paisley Arts Centre on the 15th of October

which is a Saturday and then Sunday we have a day off but me and Kai will be on Absolute Radio we're guests on Jason Manford's show

for some reason for five hours so it's going to be five hours of this plus Jason Manford aye but just no swearing like a mild version aye

you won't muggle it up I think we'll have to muggle it up and also we can't have joint breaks oh shit well at least we'll get the second

half of the show fucking turn your mic off there you dumbass also listen we'll give you half of the show fucking turn your mic off there you dumbass also listen let me give you some of the European tour dates I just had a real hard sinking moment

where I checked to see if my mic was on man have you done any talk yeah I've done alright you fucking idiot on the 18th October

Rochla Poland 19th October Warsaw Poland we've never been to Poland land before no Poland land yep

land of the Polands Yep Please come see us 20th of October Stockholm in Sweden 21st of October We are in Slovenia In Ljubljana

There are two shows That day Because the first show Is sold out So please do get on That quickly Apart from that Leave us feedback

On Facebook You can answer Any of the polls That we did Yeah you can find The two updates On my website now I've got them On my website www.kaihumphries You can answer any of the polls that we did during this. Yeah, you can find the tour dates on my website now. I've got them out on my website,

www.kaihumphries.com. Every gig of the tour, including ticket links, is on there. And also, you just spilled juice on yourself. No, maybe. You're just reminding yourself

of fucking Christian Camp. No, I didn't spill it back then. Good old days. So, on my website, you get all the tour dates and I'm selling the USB with last year's show on, which has got me doing

a one-hour show and a bunch of bonus features on there too yep apart from that leave us positive feedback on fucking iTunes we're genuinely overwhelmed by how many people have actually been fucking listening to it we didn't expect it to be this many so thank you to the people that are continuing listening please do spread it

amongst your friends yeah share the shit out of it it's the way to get it out there we're trying to we're literally just starting so pretty new to this game so if you could share it with your friends yeah share the shit out of it it's the way to get it out there we're trying to we're literally just starting so pretty new to this game so if you could if you could share it with your friends

leave us some nice feedback and stuff that we can retweet like muggles I've been I've been I've been retweeting praise Daniel

I know that is a very muggle thing to do isn't it but I just want I just want a bit more reach for this podcast

that's fair apart from that thank you very much for listening and we will talk to you again on Monday muggins and cream out fuck yourselves