Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep4.3 History is Told by the Wieners

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

After a short spell trying to be civilised sharing nuggets of history knowledge, the boys descend swiftly into toilet humour with the occasional forced segue into Daniel's recent appearance on Graham Norton. Trigger Warning you absolute cowards, they mention the word bogey. Grow up. 

Well, well, well, well, well, it's Monday evening and you know what that means. It's time for Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Featuring two of your favourite podcast stars. Daniel Sloss, star of The Graham Norton Show, star of two Netflix specials and one HBO special. Joined by his long-time lover and comrade, Kai Humphreys, who's appeared on such shows as... Comedy Central in 2010.

Comedy Central in 2010. Author of Inside Daniel Sloss which is a book not about what you think it is and I was on a talking head show about the craziest things to happen in 2013 there you go catch up on it all or just catch up on the boys

funny banter in this week's episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin' livin' the dream that's our intro on the road. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up

on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11 that was a really cool intro you done at the beginning before the music why is it always me well

I've done the last three I've done all the ones for the flashback series oh did you aye fair enough then alright so I got ten in the bank

that's not but you got to do them in one sitting though I've done them daily alright and actually if I haven't done them in Royale

it might be shit I complimented you in advance well I mean they've heard it it's alright but it's really we're really bending space and time on the podcast right now

it's just like Arrival what takes place when who knows aye you just watched that didn't you did watched that again good movie

it's a good movie it's a good movie it's a really good movie it's erm that's one of my favourite memes comes from the film Arrival aye just the them holding up the sign

aye I like it I just first of all I just think it's a good movie in general but I do find it sincerely

fascinating like how on earth we understand like other languages especially especially, like, languages of, you know, other races of human beings that have existed throughout time, but the concept of, you know, if aliens did come down from

someone else, how on earth, like, they don't speak the same language. We're not even sure they... How otherworldly are they going to be? Aye, and how do you establish communication? Because even when we go far east, it seems otherworldly. Aye, there was a... I remember one bit, I was reading a book on ancient Mesopotamia, which was like the first ever

civilisation, right? So they found the first ever... Which is now Pakistan? Mesopotamia, so Uruk was the first ever state which I think is Iraq, that's why it's Uruk to Iraq over the years and years and years. So it's all that sort of area but obviously the borders

were way different and there were no borders back then because it was the first civilisation so they really got to do whatever they like

then they had cuneiform writing which is like wedged writing so there's these scholars I don't know

what the name of their job is but they're people who work at ancient languages and learn how to fucking translate it

so they got all these ruins and tablets with all this written on it with and learn how to fucking translate it. So they got all these runes and tablets with all this written on it with no idea how to translate it. I think it was about the 1800s and they got like five or six scholars from around the world

who were like best at it and they went like, to make sure we know, these people know what they're doing, we're going to lock all five of them in separate rooms, right? They're going to have no communication with each other.

So they don't agree on the one thing, they're're each individually going to do it and then we're going to see how much the fucking crossover is and they sent all five away for like two days doing it and when they came back like 80 of what they translated matched with each other so there is this method for you know working out like oh this obviously means sheep and this means this and this appears a lot. So this is clearly the word man or and or. And was the text for like trade? Oh, yeah. Like stock, inventory. Yes, yeah.

So like all the stuff was like, you'd have a picture of like a church and then two sheep. And this is the problem when it comes to old translations. Does that mean that the church bought two sheep or does it mean the church has two sheep? Or does it mean that two sheep run the church? Yeah, what's the cipher? They know.

They know what they're looking at. I've always just found it very, very fucking fascinating. I just have a routine on it because obviously the first ever symbol that they had for a vagina was just like a downward facing triangle with a wee slit in it because that's what a vag looks like. But like the... I'll give you... What do you think the symbol for man was a cock and balls a jizzing cock and balls so eve like five thousand years to show that it's not a child yes oh maybe grown man adult man maybe that is why i hadn't even considered the fertility thing being part of it

that's very interesting maybe it it's got to be adult you don't get many spunking babies no you don't and if you do you're a horrible person that means you're cleaning that pot too much to be fair if any scientist works out that babies can come the first thing that needs to happen is that

scientists need to go to jail because we're like first of all, none of us needed to know that maybe they can no it doesn't matter if they can maybe it doesn't matter if they can

we don't need to find out no we don't we're not finding out if babies come right there's got to because I know

nine year olds can't come can't they well I reckon I was around about that age maybe I wasn't but probably

between age 9 and 12 when I heard about it give it a shot aye right on myself obviously I didn't molest anyone

aye right but I never tried to come when I was a baby and nobody tried to make us come when I was a baby well I don't think

you can come so maybe I could have but then I kind of like recedes and comes back don't the balls they're like swimming but don't think you can come into it. Maybe I could have, but then it kind of recedes and comes back. Don't the balls... Like swimming. But don't balls only come into effect once you've hit puberty?

Isn't it like you hit puberty and it's like, turn them on, and they start making spunk? Oh, then they drop. Like it's New Year. Congratulations. You've got your celebration champagne ready celebration juice

sorry can you remember when your when your balls were dropping and your voice would break and it would just

happen in the middle of a conversation and you you'd soon like the bloke of fucking police academy you'd just get

fucking shredded for going through something entirely natural it's so embarrassing I remember I remember I remember because I was

I was a light bloomer to it all like I didn't fucking hit puberty until I was about 16 but when I did I remember

you stayed here I remember I remember just like constantly checking my body for like body hair just because like you go to gym and stuff and everyone else

is hitting puberty right so you can see fucking alright he's got armpit hair and he's got a fucking snail trail and I'm fucking there

like an Olympic swimmer I didn't like that mate I was really nervous about it it makes you feel like you've got no control over it but you do feel like

I hid myself from the world me like I was worried that because I had no pubes right and I didn't take I never got it out I was worried that they'd think had no pubes, right, and I didn't take, I never got it out, I was worried that they'd think

I had a little cock when that was just happenstance. That's not why I'm hiding it. I mean, you guessed right. I'm not hiding it because it's a little cock. I'm hiding it because it's a little cock

with no hair on top. It's a little baldy cock. So if it was one or the other, I'd get it out. If it was a big baldy cock, I'd have it out in PA. I'd be swinging it out. If it was a big baldy cock I'd have it out in PA I'd be swinging it out if it was a little hairy cock I'd have it in PA

nobody wants a little baldy cock I'm doing this for you I remember looking in the mirror just desperately like to look for fucking stubble and I found some and I was like fucking hell

what's on your dad I remember it was it was just between my lips and my chin I'm like that's fucking stubble that's stubble I went downstairs to dad I remember it was just between my lips and my chin I'm like that's fucking sub with that stuff I went downstairs

to show my mum she was just like those are black heads oh no it was me with a fucking I'd be like

if I shave these off they'll grow in plaster beer oil in your black heads in that lad just feeding them essentially

giving them a wee massage come on boys come to fruition allow father Garner to sew it this all in did your ma used to

deal with your blackheads for you no my ma did what she would fucking hate us telling people right so

be mortified with us telling people rightfully so your mum used to pop your fucking blackheads she used to do like after

when I'm popping them you kind of get the mood different you had to fucking do it in the pauses and she would go in with her fingernails she had a bit of fingernails in me your fucking blackhead she used to do like after well not popping them you'd like kind of get the mood different you'd have to like fucking do it in the pauses and she would she would go in

with her fingernails she had a bit of fingernails in me and she would she would get the mood and eh she used to like have a word with us

after that as if she'd molested us she's like look this can be mine and your little secret okay don't tell anyone at school

never tell never tell your teachers don't don't even tell your dad. Don't tell your dad. It was like that. Now I'm like a brick in the silence now. Show us on the doll, Mr Humphreys,

where your mum used to touch you and she'd point it around your face. Oh, nose. Nose. Just to go back to Coming in contact with other cultures And civilisations and trying to fucking communicate With them, I think it was during

World War II During the Pacific When there's all these tiny little Islands That have only been inhabited by The same hundred people Their family for generations, largely undisturbed by most of civilisation,

but they're crucial little islands when it comes to bombing Japan and whatnot. Barricades with the ships and all that. Yeah, and trade ports and your supply lines. There was a very, very famous case of on one island where the Americans landed, they set up a port, they set up an airfield, built a tower for the fucking airfield, built a dock where all the ships came in, right? But they didn't

well, there was a lot of natives on the island who obviously scattered the second they saw these fucking new white men coming out of nowhere. But when the Americans eventually left, right? Because they'd never seen civilisation before once the Americans teared down like the big tower and the docks and whatever, they went

out and they built the same fucking tower and when the Americans went back into it, big tower and the docks and whatever they went out and they built the same fucking tower and when the Americans went back into it they had like little things that were like fake versions

of the coconut phones and they built like their own little dock and stuff because to them right oh they didn't know about the technology

they didn't know about the chips inside of it and the wires and cables they thought it was like a god thing all they knew was that a bunch of men

came to an island built these two things and then this giant fucking sea beast came in dropped off all this fucking goods and then fucked off and they thought they summoned it with the with the architecture because what else would you think it was like this plane lands out of the sky once you build this tower they're like why did we never build a fucking tower we could have had all the bird cards coming down dropping off shit amazing did you swallow a history teacher recently

no no that's one of the ones where well to be fair I've gotten into that stage in my life where I think I have heard something like that one that you told us off your dad is that one of your dad's nuggets you swallowed your dad

somebody's got to do it, mum won't do it anymore but you know I've been reading a lot of World War 2 shit and then watching World War 2 in colour on Netflix which is a really really good documentary because it breaks it down step by step by step by step and they've got all these fucking experts on it

and like I know obviously what the Brits and the Americans and the Canadians did during World War II especially D.D. was obviously you go it was fucking amazing but when you watch this man it was fucking amazing what they did like they absolutely played Hitler like a fucking fiddle like D.D. Fiddler just they had like pages and pages like stacks of this shit, like really, really remarkable, they kept dropping off fake parachuters, right, but so up close, they were about one foot high, shaped like men

and they would just drop them over random parts of France so all these fucking Germans kept going out to these places and finding these little toys being like, for fuck's sake, at one point they had this fake army on the coast of southern Britain, right where they had General fake army on the coast of southern Britain right where they had

General Patton who was like the best American general they fucking had and Hitler was absolutely fucking terrified of Patton right and they knew Hitler

was terrified of Patton so they had him down at the bottom of the south like further over to the east which was further away from where D.D. Landon was going to take place and they had

inflatable armies right and inflatable tanks, inflatable trucks, inflatable lorries. So when the Germans were flying overhead, they're like, look at that giant fucking army! And it's just General Patton smoking a cigarette near an entire army. Meanwhile, our full actual force...

So they're doing recon and they're reporting back with their... Every spy the Germans thought they had in the British spy lines was a double fucking agent like it was it's a remarkable series of documentary and you sit there even though I know the good guys as one

every time we get out I'm like fucking take that you Nazi bastard go on get in my son go on go on Churchill go on my son I love reading the little stories like I read quite a bit up on World War 1

and there's just some little memoirs of fucking class. There was one where there was... Every time there was smoke coming from the opposite trench, they'd call a ceasefire,

but it'd just become unwritten. It wasn't a treaty. It was just, oh, they're having their dinner. Show some respect. We'll have our dinner.

One day they see the smoke coming up and they stop firing, right, and this lad that was just sick of his life went, ah, fuck it, and he went over the top, right, and the Germans were looking at him like, fucking, should we kill him? Should we shoot him, right, and they're like, no, because it'll break the ceasefire, and he came

in, and he just sat amongst the Germans and had food with the Germans, and knowing that they wouldn't shoot him, because that ceasefire would be over, now their lunch break's just fucking null and ceasefire would be over now their lunch break is just fucking null and void they want to keep their lunch break so they're just

these Germans are a nervous wreck while this cunt has dinner with them and then he goes cheers lads he goes back and has his dinner again

has a second dinner with his own pals and they're like you fucking mad bastard aye but also two dinners he sounds like a fucking hobbit aye but like when you're ready to die

already you just go fuck it what's the worst that could happen I get an end of it what's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? I'm a fucking absolute shia g to both sides. There does seem to be

this difference between World War 1 and World War 2 which is like during World War 1 everyone was like look we're fighting this war because we're told to but we're not really you know not that our heart's not in it because that's not the right way to put it but they were never thrilled at killing the enemy

it was something you had to do it was part of the fucking job I think that obviously that changed in World War II because the Nazis were bastards and it was very I think it was much easier to kill a Nazi

after you'd heard everything they'd done as opposed to why are we at war with the Germans again? because they fell out with oh no it's the second one they stepped in for someone

who fell out with them and who are we in for again? France? We don't like France Are we in for Belgium?

We're in for Belgium aren't we? Right I think we like Belgium because they let us use

their port I don't use their port I don't use it The German flag is just

a Belgian flag on the side Has anyone asked the Belgians what they're really up to?

I'll just say again why are we fighting? If you read All Quiet on the Western Front it does a little bit of that where the Germans don't know what they're fighting up to I was just there going why are we fighting like if you read All Quiet on the Western Front

it does a little bit of that where the Germans don't know what they're fighting for I think that's when they're fighting excuse my ignorance here I've always heard the term All Quiet

on the Western Front what is that a reference to the Western Front's the German front against Russia yeah yeah yeah I know that but is that a book

or was that a movie it's a book right I think they made TV out of it right okay I've just heard I think that's why it's like a pop culture reference is because it's been made TV but it's a book right I think they made TV out of it right okay I've just heard I think that's why it's like a pop culture reference

is because it's been made TV but it's a famous book also I just feel like it's part of like when you fucking grow up as a bloke you just suddenly become interested in war well

you know what I'm a bit gutted about is I took a I took a keen interest in World War 1 shortly after watching Peaky Blinders because they kept mentioning

tunnelling and I was like what the fuck what the tack aboutaky Blinders because they kept mentioning tunnelling. And I was like, what the fuck, what the tack about tunnelling? Like, why are you tunnelling during a war? And then I found out, like, they're actually tunnelling under the trenches.

Like, I just looked into it and I fucking ended up weirdly down a rabbit hole. Pardon the pun. And then halfway through, this fascination with, like, because the reason I'm fascinated with World War I in particular is I feel like it's the last medieval one

where they're faced off against each other. They faced off like fucking Game of Thrones style at the opposite ends of the battlefield. Apparently, fucking during World War II, even though the Germans had lots of... The panzers were a very, very good and a very, very difficult fucking tank to take on. Most of the German army was still horse-drawn.

A lot of people just completely forget that. The French turned up with red trousers on. Did they? Because they didn't think they needed camouflage because guns didn completely forget that the French turned up with red trousers on did they? because they didn't think they needed camouflage because guns didn't go that far and then they're just like

ah ah what's that I'm dying they're like oh read I probably got to wear the tree collars

or something just blend in go in the old Deadpool method make it red so they don't know when you're bleeding I think they'll know

when we're screaming and falling over I think they'll fucking suss it I read something now I think they'll fucking suss it. I read something now, I think it was the Italians were trying to drop care packages in for their troops at some point. I'm butchering the story.

The fucking story is they didn't have any parachutes at the good spare, so they started using turkeys because they would flap enough to decelerate. And also, you can eat turkeys and it's part of the supply drop imagine a balloon that was made of chocolate

just slowed to full imagine the turkeys going up on the flake guy, oh this is classy when you flap your wings I found one of the things they were saying in the documentary was like when Germany took over, when Germany invaded France from further south of France

was effectively sort of just, they did the blitzkrieg, right, which is just fucking fast as shit, shock, get in there, have not expected. Down in, I'm going to fucking butcher this, so any World War history fans feel free to fucking correct me. No, you're listening to the wrong podcast. I tried Dan Collin. No, no, I mean,

if you want a really good World War II podcast, Al Murray, and I can't remember the name of the other guy, I think his name is James, is Way of Ways of Making Your Talks Really, Really Good. Is that a good one? Oh, man, they're both World War II experts, and they know everything,

so it's like two experts debating the nuance of certain battles that you've never heard of.'s very very interesting but there was like a because the because france had a fucking big ass navy and germany didn't right there was one point when after fucking germany it's france churchill's they're going well they're going to get the fucking french navy so the one thing we have to do to secure our own thing here is to sink the fucking french navy so there was some fucking port down there, Spain or Africa, I can't remember exactly which part,

where the British turned up and just 2,500 Frenchmen on the fucking ships. And the judge was just like, just sink them. There's nothing else we can do. He says it was his most deplorable act in World War II. The worst thing he did was just firing on his fucking allies

to sink their ships because he had to otherwise the Germans would get them it's just one of those really really shit otherwise they commandeer them and have the resources have the fucking

because England's well Britain's made the fucking defence was the fact we were an island and Germany didn't have the fucking force to go over with it and if they had the navy vessels from France they would have had it

and Britain would be fucked so Churchill just has to fire all of his fucking stuff on these all these ships all these friends oh the British are here

that's a nice way to say surprise that's I mean I heard we're not doing well back home it's fucking weird that the guns are coming over here though that's dead why are they coming in

could you not just let us on your ships and you take the ships no it's all we can do also I fully you know was show snake nope it's all we can do aye also I fully you know

was that on Al Murray's no that was on World War 2 in Colour which again if you've got Netflix which if you're listening to this podcast

you fucking do because how else did you end up here the the Dan Carlin one I listened to it was good it's long

like it does like three four hour episodes on one thing aye but fully in depth fully in to is good it's long like it does like three four hour episodes on one thing aye but fully in depth fully in depth and like it's it's a tough one

this is fucking what a first world problem right you know with an audio book right you can like you can just triple tap on your headphones and it'll come back

30 seconds aye on an audio book right you know if you do that with a podcast aye just fucking rewind to the beginning

ugh what a first world problem just listen to a podcast realise you've drifted off and forward tap your headphones and it's right at the beginning of the cunt hello and welcome

to the start of a pod no I'll tell you what one excellent fucking feature I've come across recently right so I've never been really into audiobooks

just because most of the time I don't like the narrator oh really yeah yeah like I'm just it's important yeah because I'm just, I'm not,

you've just got some fucking Tory and you can just hear it in his voice that he hates the disabled and he's fucking ruining a fantasy book that I'm enjoying. But for the Lies of Locke Lamora and the Red Skies Over Red Seas, which is the sequel,

because I had to drive down to London to do fucking Graham Norton. Oh, yeah, let's talk about that. We will. Happily. I was like, I'll obviously, I'll download it for the journey. So get in the car, right? Open up the fucking audiobook.

I'm like, oh, God, I'm not going to fucking know where I am. Open up the audiobook. It goes, hey, we noticed you've also bought this on Kindle. Do you want us to just take you to the page you are in the audiobook? And I was like, yes. Oh, nice. And it played from there. So I listened to it for seven hours

on the way down right Cara's getting ready for the show getting all dressed up and what not I read my book open up my Kindle

and my Kindle goes alright we know we should be listening to this on another device should we take it directly to page one and I'm like

fucking yes there we go good did you have to buy them both I did I did which is fair

because you know the book is the written thing and the audio book involves the production and the voice over guy it's got two different lots of overheads

yes aye you're paying for two products even though it's the same book but I used my you know my free fucking credits on Audible

so it's aye that is good I didn't know that happened well it's one of the things that brought to mind I do want there to

be a I do want to talk about you know there's so many fucking shit things in the world and inventions

where you just go you fuck that and you didn't put the effort into this crap I think we should have a moment where we just

for example right you know the guy who invented average speed cameras death to him and his family death to everyone

in his lineage horrible man horrible invention uh bastard it shouldn't be celebrated we should scrape his name off his gravestone there should be no memory of that awful awful man on the other side of things uh there's some really good inventions where you just go this is class and it has improved my life the other day it's this fucking small thing but I would just like to give a big thank you to whoever invented pull-out plastic kitty litter trays. Right, so you can put like... Kitty litter?

I thought I heard you correctly. I didn't see you going in this direction. No, man, I didn't either. I didn't think I'd ever get a joy from something as small as this. But Ray's got a fucking litter tray just because she was a house cat for most of her life

and it's too late to teach her how to fucking shit outside so she's got a litter tray and it's not I love that she tries to bury her shit still that instinct there to bury her shit but all she does

is just flick a litter tray across the hall fucking everywhere but she does know what she's doing she's innocent enough so you feel like you've got a litter tray what you normally have to do

is you have to get a big bang bag and you've got to fucking lift this thing up and it's like you've picked all the shit out but the piss is just there at you've picked all the shit out But the piss is just there at the bottom Like all the dry fucking stones are now soaked with piss You have to pour it into a bag

The smell's there and you fucking hose it down Oh it's an ordeal Until Gareth's mum sure does this invention She has a fucking bin liner That goes in the kitty litter thing at the bottom You put the kitty litter over the top Right and you let it do it's business

And literally two strings at the side You pick it up straight to the bin doesn't touch your fucking hands doesn't touch anything you don't have to lift anything out it's fucking set free and I was just like I can't believe

how good this is and how simple an invention it is so small for so many years for months how are the other ones selling aye how are people even buying

the other version is there because I've never owned a dog right but is there an invention for picking up dog shit yet yes are people still picking up dog shit

with a bag on their hand there is there are I think there are some you've got the the grabby things and stick them in but you know

I think you're just but you just get shit on the grabby thing aye well you know I mean you're always going to end up with shit on it

oh Rick it's fucking another week when was the world open December ages again I was down

doing the Adam Rose podcast actually have a word shout out to the have a word podcast and Rick

it's fucking pick these dog shit up tired or not right and Gans catch and chuck it at us

right and I turned around didn't hear him say catch and it hits his own chest and falls on

the floor right you fucking what mate and chucked it at us right and i turned around didn't he have to say a catch and it hits his own chest and falls on the floor right i think you fucking what me and i picked it up and you could see i was gonna launch it at him right so he decided to just own it he knew it was coming his way anyway and he just smiled went on the head and i kind of like lobbed it like underarm and fucking trying to head it back to us. And off he's he'd. And we're in the park, and there's fucking Scousers blokes just walking by, looking at one of them like, fucking, these tramps. Yeah.

And you're now in Scousers, and I'm looking down on you. That's, oh. Oh, boy. Speaking of which, because these pussies are going to be horrified by that little conversation that we've just had. Scrolling through the emails there, seeing if I can get some funny stories off people. horrified by that little conversation that we've just had scrolling through

the emails there seeing if I can get some funny stories off people I had to scroll through so much shit people tell us I'm disgusting

for the occasional necessity when nature when it's needed it's not it's never needed putting a bogey in my mouth

like it's fucking it's repulsed people of course and you're eating your own bogeys in my mouth like it's fucking it's repulsed people of course and you're eating your own bogeys grow the fuck up man you want

the hypocrisy of someone who picks their own nose and eats it to tell people to grow up oh fannies man

life's gonna hit you harder than that life's gonna hit you harder than fucking having to hear about someone disposing of a bogey the quickest means necessary it's not but that's the bit where you're than fucking heaven to hear about someone disposing of a bogey the quickest means necessary.

It's not, but that's the bit where you're right. It's not like I'm fucking putting my hand in the back of my pants and going, oh, I itch that. I'm not putting my anus on and then licking my finger. I'm not going in my ear and picking out earwax and doing it. It's a tasteless nothing. What's the difference between your ear and your nose then? It's fucking disgusting. It tasted it.

Yeah, I've tried that once, never again. That is disgusting if I heard someone who was recreationally doing that on a day to day basis I'd be like aye you need

to fucking sort this out I tried it once not for me I have boundaries I do I just think you need to grow up

with the whole bogey thing man that's such a wild wild accusation I thought people Nicky Gibson man Nicky Gibson fucking messaged this guy

and fucking disgusted that guy. Like, I don't know this for certain, but she definitely swallowed a spunk. You know how when you get a gauge

on someone talking and you're like, ah, you've probably downed a couple of loads, that like, I wouldn't do that. And that's not like

just because I'm heterosexual. I'd probably be, I'd probably be like, no, I'll tell you what, I'll just probably be moving your hand or I'll be doing it in your belly. Like, that's not like just because I'm heterosexual. I'd probably be like, no, I'll tell you what, I'll just probably be moving your hand or I'll be doing it in your belly. Like, that's not going to be moving.

It's somebody else, isn't it? It's somebody else's spunk. I did have a girl who was once, I was like, she was giving me head. And I, I don't know. She was like,

before you come, let me know, just because I want to get it in my mouth. And I was like, all right, okay. She goes, does that annoy you? I was like,

no, it's just, it's fine enough. It's, you know, it's clearly, it don't you why don't you come she goes um I'll uh I'll swallow your cum if you try a bit of your own cum and I'm like I'll aim for your tits I mean all right I'd be at the table maybe I'd be negotiating negotiating all right I'll gin and jelly tasting I'll gin jelly taste it if he's naked odds give us odds I mean your wife

licks me bum sometimes aye not lately not lately I'm not I'm medically out of practice at the minute

but she give us fucking she text us horrified aye that I've hit me own boogies yes fucking wiping on her leg next time that's that's arguably better but she give us fucking she text us horrified that I've hit me own boogies yes fucking wiping on her leg

next time that's that's arguably better I didn't get the hypocrisy on her mate absolutely hypocrisy well see no need to

nah there's nothing sexual I'm not in the throes of passion when I'm hitting me own boogies that's not all the time just figure it out

oh yeah get on I think I think people have got it wrong they've got us wrong I didn't go and look and follow but even I haven't got to dig in the moot

you know what I'm saying but you know if you're just like you've been on the coke and all that right you just wipe your nose like that and there's just a massive no

there's like a blood clot that looks like a god damn it I've gone too far right I've gone too far but this is where you need to grow up I've gone too far right I've gone too far but this is where

you need to grow up it's just what is it boogies and now we're civilised right you should be like oh la-di-da you should be a bit more

civilised than that but to be repulsed wait he's not going to have children you're not going to have to like wipe another human's arse

and put pseudocrime on it? I'd be not in my mouth. I'd be not in my mouth. I'm not doing the deed and then put my fingers, but I'm washing them afterwards. Like, it's... And also, that's part of...

That's part of the package of... Right, you have a baby, you're expected to wipe shit over. That comes... You're not expected to pick your nose and eat it, right? It's not right I feel like

I've it's not part of having a fucking nose everyone else has a nose and managed to not do what you do you are choosing

the disgust most disgusting of all the options you've chosen it's disgusting no I think it's a natural reaction like

you don't like you fucking but that said though I've got a fucking I've just I feel like I've just got this superpower where yous are all pussies

and I'm not like you know the way yous act we're having like fucking gunk in the sink and yous have to reach in and get the like I'm fine with that

that's my job you can get the pasta and a bit of rice and that right like the way Natalie and Cara react to that

that's not on that's not on. That's not on. Aye. I could fucking, I could down that. Easy. I'm not gunny. Yes. Because it's always in the other bin.

But we have to... We have to have those things because that's how we get them to do other shit, right? Cara has to see that as disgusting. Because she has to need us. Aye. So that when I do it, right, and she goes, that's disgusting. I'm like need us aye so that when I do it right and she goes

that's disgusting I'm like you're goddamn right it's disgusting because I've done this horrible gross task why don't you do this task because I don't

enjoy doing like the floors aye something that isn't disgusting but I get bored aye there's a good question what's your least favourite

fucking chore erm because there's something like washing the dishes I'll happily wash dishes stick headphones in

podcasts on anything I can do with headphones on is totally fine I didn't like I didn't I didn't mind

getting me fucking like arm deep in the toilet because I was a cleaner I was cleaning like cleaning

aeroplanes and then when I went to the sports and I was cleaning toilets I didn't mind fucking

rolling my sleeves up and fucking scrubbing the bugs like I didn't mind fucking rolling my sleeves up and fucking scrubbing the bugs like I didn't mind any of the stuff I can listen to something while I'm on shit probably see I just hate the

ones that require a tiny bit of focus like laundry right oh here it is polishing taking stuff off to polish to put them back on I've never done that before you've never polished

no oh you've never like had a because you say like the table in the living room had the playstation on it had the

projector on oh yeah a couple of coasters it's got like it's just got things on it a couple of candles right it's got things on it

and it's two layers and you have to fucking und right it's got things on it and it's two layers and you have to fucking undress the whole thing to clean it and then fucking put everything back on just like a baby aye

you've got to take everything off and to clean them you can hose down an adult oh that might be shite they didn't chose to involve a kid because can you wear headphones and listen to podcasts

while you're dealing with a child or do you need to be connecting on a human level you'd probably just enjoy that it's your own kid aye but I do think kids obviously make it fucking harder

because you're cleaning shit like especially with young kids you clean the floors you can go up to your husband or your wife and be like I've just done the floors

so as Cara does no fucking you can walk on it but don't walk on it like a fucking twat make sure when you're coming from outside you're swapping those shoes off

and you're going into your fucking house shoes so you're not spinning around there I don't think you can ask for that level of empathy from a fucking five year old like I just don't think they understand

like when you explain it to them sure but then the second they turn around whatever new thoughts in their fucking heads there there's certain things as well that I remember doing a million times

as a kid right one of them is dropping the toilet roll down the toilet intentionally? nah we just didn't have a toilet roll down the toilet. Intentionally? Nah. We just didn't have a toilet roll holder

on the wall. It was always on top of the system. More fool them. Aye. Right? And I'd like to grab a bit of toilet roll

off it or something as if it's just going to come off of my hand and I'd pull the whole fucking thing into the toilet. I was a child.

Aye. You know? And I'd go out and cry and fuck the toilet rolls and the thing. Me man down must have been

fucking sick because I remember doing it lots. Sorry. So if I remember doing it lots so if I remember doing it lots there was fucking millions another one

is they've got these gas fireplace they've got these glass doors and they open up and there's just ornaments on it

or whatever there's a shelf in there fuck me the amount of times I smashed one of them doors kicking a football or something you fucking smashed the door again I think for me one of them doors. Aye. Kicking a football or something. Aye. Mum!

You fucking smashed the door again! I think for me it would be the repetitive, like, why does this keep happening and how do I make it stop? How on earth do I sit you down

and try and get this into your fucking tiny thick skull? Yeah. I remember eventually with them doors on the gas fireplace that just ended up

going with them for a long time. They just went, aye, they're just open spaces at the end of the fair. Aye. I think that's what you've kind of just got to do when you become a parent, is just lose your emotional attachment to most things you have and then focus that all on your kid. Because, like, you'd be emotionally attached to your fucking car.

I love this car with all my fucking heart. Well, you had a kid so now it's the kid's car and now it's fucked now it's fucked now it's going to be covered in shit I love this table

I love these couches I don't want my kids on these couches you bought the wrong couches at the wrong fucking time if you're having kids in the next five years you should watch

shite couches because you know what's going to happen at this point it's your fault at this point for having any emotional attachment

having nice things yeah nice white carpet it was always my mum's thing she was just like just walking in the house just muttering

there's no point in having nice things there's no point in having nice things they're just fucking random don't they just go around don't take them

take them for granted fuck them around no point in having nice things and my brother one time took his nappy off got one of these

Tonka trucks and rolled it in the shit and then started smearing it all over his wardrobes my man took his nappy off got one of these Tonka trucks and rolled it in the shit and then started smearing it all over his wardrobes. My man took his eyes off him for a second next thing you know

he's just fucking driving shit with one of his toy cars up and doing the thing. Fucking mean. There's me as a baby just running up licking it up I'll have that.

Came out someone else's not gross not gross. Five second rule. I don't really have a I'm not like I'm not mad into housework but I didn't mind

if I can if I can also do something that's why my ma fucking blows my mind she's 24-7 housework

my ma to be fair her house is spotless she chases dust around the house aye right I think she just

got stuck in this like this funk of like constantly tidying up after kids and then the kids grew up and left and she just

remained tidying up after kids but it's a habit she developed for 18 years you know how hard it is to give up

fucking smoking other habits are the same thing like it's in her head that she's like well it's 3.30 the kids have been home for half an hour

house must be fucked well it's not fucked but I'll still clean it nonetheless but I've seen her on I've stayed at her house and watched her carry on she doesn't have

entertainment on in the meantime aye there's no podcast on there's no audio book there's no you know and I'm like are you meditating

I mean she might what are you meditating when you're doing that man aye I mean she must be I'm like are you meditating are you meditating when you're doing that man aye I mean she must be in a way she's are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you

are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you I met him from Seoul. Aye. Graham Norton did the voice of the sailor guy. Graham Norton did the voice of the meritor of the guy that was doing the sign.

I didn't know that was Graham Norton. Aye, because I knew immediately the second I heard the voice, I'm like, I'm pretty sure that's fucking Graham Norton there. And when we were down doing the show, nice segue, Daniel. Aye, twice you've tried to crowbar that in. The crowbars are getting bigger and bigger aye

next one's just going to cross the back of your head and I'll talk about myself in silence but yeah because he was saying that he

he had no idea how big the part was because he was like normally when they get like a British actor for these things it's for a one liner fucking thing

like they had him in the studio in New York for two days and once in London doing all these lines and he was in there with John the director

the guy from Pixar who does everything that character was great Val he nailed it really really good but he was like I was just genuinely fucking expecting

for when it came on for me to just be like a little background character that shouts something out so he watched it because they don't give you the full script

obviously unless you're one of the main characters so he's watching it and he's just going I'm in this unless you're one of the main characters so he's watched it and he's just going I'm in this loads like I'm not the main character I'm not the second man and he's looking

and he's back and going 1500 quid he fucking picks it up you're kidding me but that must be that must be class I'd love to

to be the voice in a Pixar movie or anything like I include like Zootopia and Shrek because they're all iconic aye

like the real they constantly make an iconic shit and they've always got valuable lessons in and everybody watches them as a family in that aye

aye and then also like it must be so cool to have a fucking toy of that you voice like apparently I was listening to a podcast with the

ever so lovely Tom Hanks on it who's just the nicest man in the world in every interview you listen to go on just say something racist can't just have like

a backwards opinion say something transphobic just so just say something creepy about a 16 year old anything just say have a shite opinion

on Greta Thunberg just give me something just say you're a bogey something else I guess you're cancelled fucking hell Pascoe's book I eat his snot

book two the difficult sequel Tom Hanks has said that so many times when he's just in it because he's very obviously all adults know who he is

but kids don't really know who he is except for Woody from Toy Story so he'll be standing in an elevator and there'll be two parents there

and two kids and the kids will be holding Woody's like Woody dolls and the parents are like it's Tom Cruise

and the kids are like who the fuck is Tom Hanks not Tom Cruise Tom Hanks why would the fuck would we give a shit who Tom Hanks is

and then he goes down and does the voice to the kids and the kids are like that must be so fucking satisfying because I do think there is something

even if you don't want any kids of your own, which I understand, we live in a world of too many fucking people, but when I draw the line, people I absolutely do enjoy the life that I'm never going to fucking have respect for but see these people that just fucking hate kids

across the board, you're like mate, you hate kids you the board you're like come mate that's you hate kids you didn't learn empathy when you were a kid or kids are just stupid and annoying

aha they're kids they've been on the planet for eight fucking years like give them time if they're doing something shit hate their parents aye

like you've I think you've got to try and as best you can whenever you see kids is you know make everything exciting fucking engage with them so that they become good fucking people. And to have being one of their heroes under your belt must be class.

Aye. So, Graeme Norton, I'll segue you back in. You went to London. I went to London. You were on a chat show with Rebel Wilson. Rebel Wilson. M. Night Shyamalan. M. Night Shyamalan. Noel Clarke. Noel Clarke, who was fucking amazing, by the way. on a chat show with Rebel Wilson Rebel Wilson Emily Chablon Emily Chablon

Noel Clarke who was fucking amazing by the way I really enjoyed his crack leg aye and the amazing fucking

Keely Hawes Keely Hawes Natalie watched the first episode of that last night with her ma oh the Finding Alice

ah well that's what me and Carol fucking watched while you were watching Arsenal Newcastle aye it was fucking great man it was like it was such a

very very pleasant surprise in two aspects one was on Tuesday just to be like do you want to you want to jump on it Graeme Norton on Thursday I've been on like the long list for Graeme Norton for

like two years there was one point where I might have to throw back flown back from Australia to come and do it but obviously it just wasn't sort of enough so clearly

because nobody can fly into the country and they can only have a certain amount of Zoom guests they just went they got to the end of the phone book

they're like who has a car which one of these has a car they're not going to have to use public transport and here he is

Daniel Sloss we'll have him on the show it's good because you've been hitting it hard since Netflix and just like fucking properly striking

when the iron's hot and then you just get this fucking radio silence for a year while everything's shut and you must have felt like, oh shit, my relevance might not be there

when I come back. Like, I haven't been in the lame light and people might forget the Buddhas and then it's like fucking prime time. So that must have been

a good pick me up for you fucking great like yes absolute pick me up good and absolutely made me feel fucking relevant everything you said it's very hard

when you've got no audience to go because I've forgotten about people I like like there's celebrities I fucking love and TV shows that I love

that I've just not had time to get into during this you know pandemic I'm like maybe my fans are the you know exact exact fucking same

the other bit that was dead fucking vindicating right was to have Graham Norton at prime time on British television on the BBC

say the words so you're like properly international famous on a TV channel that hasn't had me on in eight fucking years yes proper vindicate

for somebody on the BBC to be like, it's weird that you've been ignored in this country and me going, aha, isn't it just? Isn't it fucking weird?

Yeah, because Conan likes us. Aye, Conan likes us. Russia likes me. Asia likes me. I'm starting to think it might just be this fucking... No.

Aye, that's... Natalie's parents were fucking chuffed and all when you mentioned it I give you a wee lovely shout out it was really nice as well

I was like honestly right sorry but I thought you were going to be like oh me support act

like fucking like me support this kind of like you just brought up for us you're like me best friend in the whole wide world

I did I did say those other bits but the end of the moment it was just the end of the moment I mean you did say support act but you said

I was your mate as well not just this bloke that comes around with it carries me bags I fucking wish he carried me bags why would I spread

a lie about you on TV there was there was another bit that they missed out because when they were talking to Reba Wilson and Ann Middleton

about going off in the fucking camping off in the wilderness they're like Daniel have you ever camped off in the wilderness and I was like no the only thing

we've ever done was close my mate Stag do was in the mountains of Marbella because we didn't want to make too much noise and there was one point

we were all on lots and lots we were really really drunk and lots of like we were really really drunk and we're playing hide and seek and then a fox tried to come and befriend us and while it was befriending us we started hearing all these coyotes on the outside and they were howling we all got scared and some of us

jumped in the pool which to be fair only turned us into like wolf stew and everyone sort of laughs and Aunt Middleton goes are you sure sure it was just booze you were on? I'm like, no, of course not, Ant, but I can't say that on the BBC. That never made it in.

I fully got fucking hurt. Absolutely. And then you're about to tell the further part of the story where me and Dean were in the car playing hide and seek and your fund was so, I'll shout out to Dean, drive.

While I was on the roof of the car. You jumped on the bonnet and ended up on the roof like skidding across the windscreen you know a fucking guy across the side of the mountains drink driving and the fuck

you didn't mention that one coke at the wheel there no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no that's the one snapshot in my head you know when you get in and fucking toss it was he a stag to a wild one and then he'll just fucking snap and think about the

obviously I kind of bring a picture up snap and think about he's fucking just hanging on for dear life on the top of a car oh I'd drive it up

the side of a fucking mountain with a sheer clear face the sort of things that like in the meantime Brett had fell off and he couldn't

climb back up he was at the bottom covering cuts and bruises and he went he had fell off and he couldn't climb back up he was at the bottom covering cuts and bruises and he went he gave a hand and he couldn't find Brett he'd scudded

through the cliff face is that when he couldn't find him he had to walk a run imagine he fucking pierced his face

off that cliff and there's a fucking Tokyo Drift the car's getting he's like I've got this here and here actually

It seems way fucking safer down here This fucking the dog's circling in that can smell his blood Aye that was those are the sort of stories that like

when we have kids we're going to have to delete the back catalogue of these Oh you know what I'd like right we're going to come across

fucking broody on this podcast by the way if I I'm not the only thing standing between me and a child

is Gareth I'd quite like it if I could just be aloof with my kids and they think I'm a square I'd have made them think I could just be aloof with my kids and they think I'm a square I'd have made them

thinking I'm square dad right aye and then just fainting it off my pals when they're adults yes

you know what I mean and I've just got this hidden side that they knew fuck all about and they've probably had an inkling because they've seen

some old photos photos it's not like the old days where there's any photos they had that line on the shoebox

under the bed aye like they're probably going to have a little glimpse and go, fuck, now you've seen these pictures. Aye, bleach blonde hair. They'll be like, Dad, you've got tribal tattoos? You're like, oh, yeah, I was young. My kids will be like,

the fuck have you got Nikola Tesla tattoos on your arm? Aye, well, why have you got the Joker tattoo on your back, you fucking incel? No, no, it's before the incels got them. I promise. I should have dated the tattoo. I should have dated the tattoo I should have dated the tattoo and let everyone

know that I got the tattoo pre the dark night like I'm not I'm not an incel honestly I just really

like Alan Moore's comic books I promise I think I think that is the right approach is you've got

you can't be a cool parent right because first of all kids don't there's no such thing as cool right cool is a've got uh you can't be a cool parent right because first of all kids don't there's no such thing as cool right kid cool is a concept that like exists between the ages of like 7 and 21 or if you're you know or if you're like me until you get to like your 30s you're like oh oh cool is like it's subjective and also it's just how you fucking perceive things but this pursuit

of coolness when you're in your teens you're like you can't do that that's not cool as if your parents would be like oh no oh no

our 15 year old's going to judge me oh no oh dad my friends don't think you're cool you're like oh no

you flash back all the things you've done in your life oh right aye that's the validation I need from all these fucking 15

I could tell you stories that would make your mum leave me right so why don't you watch your fucking attitude there

I always think you should you should pair it with like there's like a Venn diagram right one circles

we're friends one circles I'm your da right and the circles can cross over right and you can be

I'm your friend and your da or I can just be your da but I'm never gonna step foot in that circle where I'm just right? And you can be, I'm your friend and your da, or I can just be your da, but I'm never going to step foot in that circle where I'm just your mate. Yes. You can fuck, I've got pals.

Pals that I didn't make. Pals that I chose. I don't mind stopping your mate to be your da. But I'm not going to stop being your dad just to be your mate. Stop being your mate just so you can fucking accept this. Fuck off. I think that's the attitude anyway. I think that's attitude anyway. I think it's the right attitude.

That was very much my parents' one with me, which is like, look, we're here to discuss things and we're always available for a chat and a debate on your fucking attitude. But if you raise your voice, you talk back, or at any point you step over it into the parent thing, it's all over for you. Like it's...

You're not allowed on the couch. You're not allowed on the couch, right? You eat once we're done eating. You shit in the garden but your ma picks it up because she wanted you. I often have a discussion with Natalie and we just press snooze on it all the time.

Like the last few times have been because of ski trips because she can't ski if she loses the baby every time she falls over every time she falls over you've lost five babies all the time this whole trip but this time we're like

can we just live in my house for a bit first so we'll find another reason to press snooze we're getting my keys on Monday Cara is next Monday Cara is the bouncer of a nightclub that I

I shouldn't be going in there guy like she's absolutely right she's sent you away to have a coffee aye she's doing the right thing as the bouncer

right but it's just her and I come back every time with I think stronger stronger arguments. It's like, black socks over your trainers. She's been like, look, look, right. I've thought about it and I'm bored. And she's like, it's not a good enough reason.

And I'm like, fuck. Just let us in. Let us in the fucking nightclub. Let us be a dad. And she's like, I have to be standing here and being this person of reason. I'm like, no, fair enough. But you will fucking crack.

And I'll come in that crack. I think it's really, Natalie always says this now, whenever I was speculating about it and deciding not to, we're really supposing that we could have babies. It's a big thing. The roll of the dice is that we might not be able to age we're ages

starting to be against so we're in full acceptance that it might never happen are you how do you feel about adoption I don't think she would nah nah

I think like yeah it's got to be your own I wouldn't mind either way I wouldn't mind adoption over having biological kids it wouldn't matter to me aye

I wouldn't but I don't I think't mind adoption over having biological kids. It wouldn't matter to me. Aye. I wouldn't, but I don't, I think she'd want the biological bond. I get that. Like, I don't know. I think she'd rather, yeah,

I think she'd rather not risk not being connected to the kid and not having kids in case she didn't love it. Just be like, look, I might not, I might not go

grow fucking attached to it. Might not happen. Aye, there's plenty of people who are desperate to adopt and I didn't think she'd want to join that queue

and slow someone else down that's going to do a better job yeah just being like okay so you Stephen you get Samantha and Bobby who have wanted kids

for five years they've tried several times they've decided to get you and now we've got Kai and Natalie now Kai really wanted you and Natalie's here

she's cracking her knuckles she put her gum shield in for you're not going to hit back here too nah would you steal one no I think I think we're just like

we've got a head run that if it if it doesn't if it doesn't work out that we're kind of we're just kind of not aye and

enough of your mates we'll have kids and I'll probably just like have an affair on the side and start like a family just in Manchester or something aye just keep saying I'm going to see Ricketts

aye fucking just have a family with Ricketts adopt with Ricketts have a dog with Ricketts no adopt with Ricketts I definitely didn't get a dog with Ricketts no adopt with rickets I definitely didn't get a dog with rickets

no like we're really sliding through the slope when you try sugeracy when you try adoption when you fusta when you get a dog with rickets

I'm like Christ man I can't look after myself no what I'd like to happen right is you and Natalie go in there right

they go here's your new adoptive parents but they sort of say that Natalie's heart's not in it or Natalie just decides you know what in there, right, they go here's your new adoptive parents, but they sort of see that Natalie's heart's not in it, or Natalie just decides, you know what, this isn't for me, and you're like, fair enough and you leave, and they go, sorry

little Johnny, you didn't get adopted today but maybe tomorrow, there'll be some luck and then the next day, you come in with rickets and a fake moustache on it's just what you talk about you're like, hello, we are the Joneses. We are here to adopt that boy from yesterday. I mean, any boy.

We're fighting over who holds hands with a thumb at the top. Now, that's a big part of toxic masculinity that I can't get out of my head either. Whenever you do... When we were ceilidh dancing, and I nearly broke the bride's ribs. So if you do Scottish country dancing at weddings or a ceilidh dance, which you do at we were ceilidh dancing and I nearly broke the bride's ribs so if you do

Scottish country dancing at weddings or a ceilidh dance which you do at weddings in Scotland it's like group sort of dances and obviously

sometimes you have to hold your hands with the person beside you and there's bottom grip and top grip

yeah and sometimes there's a bloke beside you and you've got to assert fucking I'm not being the bottom grip

I'll never be the bottom grip and you got us in a fucking vice grip in Chris and Hannah's wedding and you got us in a fucking face grip in Chris and Hannah's wedding and you got us in a

fucking face grip man and everyone's dancing around having a nice time and someone playing the

fiddle or whatever and I just fucking wrench my hand with your grip I'm not

having it she's behind us going on an opposite circle we're in the inside circle

going clockwise they're in the outside circle going anti-clockwise I pull out just as the bride passes. And bam, right in her tit.

Full elbow. She fucking broke the circle. Went through, nearly started crying and that. Tit popped. Huh? Tit popped. A tit popped.

I burst the bride's boob. Aye, she flew around the room. Fucking hell, man. I was mortified I'm trying to blame me he was holding me head wrong

he made me hold out the bomb and I'm not gonna I'm like let's cry baby so with the kids thing

I think it's weird because I feel like you've got you've got to want to have kids for the right reason which is Cara's trying to say at the E-Raid I'd have more kids

specifically because I'd want kids and they'd make me fulfilled because that would be selfish in and out it would be nice there would be the endorphins what's the caldoxytocin

that you get I'm looking forward to that fucking rush when I've heard about that it's going to be class right if it happens but I think me and Natalie would be class parents

and I'd like to give I agree as arrogant as it sounds I'd like to give that gift to another human and we'd be fucking belt our role models I absolutely agree

I think you and Natalie would be wonderful parents that's why I call you daddy and mummy hint and that's why I was asking about adoption hint

hint I'm so glad this wasn't a video podcast when you said no to adoption Daddy and Mummy Hint And that's why I was asking About adoption Hint Hint I'm so glad This wasn't a video podcast When you said no to adoption You should have seen My face sink I absolutely crashed I just wanted

Clutching your hand Well if you break up Would you adopt What about you and Ricketts Can you and Ricketts Adopt me If you and Natalie Don't you and Ricketts adopt me if you and Natalie don't adopt me

I've been my parents kid for 30 years now it's time to move on you mix it up now that's like you always try a few different partners

before you settle I mean some of you mugs different that's why you watch Jigsaw broke up you try you only try once at a parents

don't you alright you look great first time we've got nothing to plug you try he's like you only try once at a parents don't you aye got it right first time we've got nothing to plug erm do we not well twitch streams but

yeah join one twitch you can find one twitch as well as this and I'm going to be there tomorrow 12 knitting aye

Kai Muggins I'm going to be on oh I'm doing community fucking Halo tomorrow night. Aye. Aye. Check what schedules. They're usually pretty up to date.

We're three multiplayers. We'll play against each other on Worms on a Wednesday. I'm usually treacherous. But if you don't know what Twitch is, it's essentially just a nice thing to have on in the background while you do whatever else you're doing. That's why I chose the knitting, because people are doing crafts.

It's a really good thing to have on when you're doing crafts. I have somebody else doing it because, you know, if you're watching TV and you get bored of knitting, you just watch the fucking TV. But if you're watching somebody else knitting... I found if I'm knitting watching TV, right, sometimes I'll drop a stitch and I'll have to pick it back up. I'll concentrate and I'll look back at the TV and I've missed a bit.

And usually with a narrative-driven TV show or a movie or film or series, you need that bit or else they wouldn't have put it in aye right but there's nothing of importance that you gotta miss

on Twitch like no importance aye so you can you can actually fucking leave the room go out for a piss come back in

I'll still be yapping away you don't need to you don't need to catch every second of it I like that you can just dip in and out of it aye

aye just come say hi have a fucking chat it's just hanging out with your pals aye that's what it is but like

you get a deal of tagging perfect fucking which I don't get to do with my mates which is why this podcast is such a bollock

woah are you getting the dad jokes yes I did print out a couple of I printed out a couple of things

emails that were written but we'll get them on the next one your dad your dad threw an orgy and just went around making sure everyone stayed hydrated emails that were written but we'll get them on the next one Your dad Your dad threw an orgy and just went around making sure everyone stayed hydrated was too busy being the perfect host to get amongst Fair enough

Loyal, didn't cheat to my mum Nice bloke I'm shading Your dad organises his shopping list from item he'd most like to fuck to item he'd least like to fuck and his last list went Sp he'd most like to fuck to item he'd least like to fuck. And his last list went spam, baked beans, melon, Coca-Cola, rice crisps, Cocoa Pops, condoms and then dog food. Least last?

Least last. Wow. Doesn't want to fuck dog food or condoms. Aye, the smell would put you off. But the texture, oh. Hubba hubba. Aye. And the attention afterwards.

Got a bit of price on it. I did a got your nose to your dad and he ran around screaming looking for medical supplies. Banished his entire face up. Your dad signed PK for Newcastle in FIFA just so he could wank to Shakira in the stands Your dad got an inflatable version of you Your brothers and your mams So that when you're all out

He could practice letting his family down Your dad says his nipples could cut Your dad says his nipples could cut diamond When he's cold, right? But both of his nipples are pierced. Explain that then. Oh, conundrum. Your dad went to flick an elastic band,

but it stayed exactly where it was and flung him across the room. Your dad named his dog Kev Jr. Your dad name drops people to their face So I was hanging out with my son Dang I was lost the other day Your dad got his ribs removed so he could blow raspberries on himself I think we've done that one Might have done that one

That's an old school, thanks for the throwback Simple at times Nymry Lane Nymry Lane Is that what I said? There you go. It's not a trip down memory lane. Simpler times. Memory lane. Simpler times. What? Memory lane. Memory lane. Is that what I said? No, I didn't. Listen to it back.

It's recorded. I'm not going to listen to it back. Just take a word for it. Trust us. Right. Go and do that, the intro. I'll do that now.

Make it good, because I said it was good. Right.