Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep4.4 It's Not You it's Pee

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

On their last day living together Muggins and Cream discuss Wonder Woman, the best view for 9/11 and what the two girls with the cup are doing now. The romantic bath story raises it's ugly head again too. Enjoy

Good evening, ladyboys and gentle sluts, and welcome to another edition of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Except it's not on the road, it's just recorded in a podcast studio. But that's not the fucking point. This week we talk about why Wonder Woman was shit, and now that I say that, now this sounds like an Intel podcast. Fuck. It's not, I promise.

We talk about other funny shit too, but I mean, it is now that I think about it quite intently. And then ask them to like and subscribe. Oh, like and subscribe as well. Can you subscribe on Spotify? Aye. What are people subscribing on when you ask this? I think they can follow. Like iTunes and that.

Aye, I think they can follow it. Leave a review, put up the rankings. Aye, I do that too. Just keep the podcast to yourself. Aye. Right. Sorry I put it on the intro no no it's fine

well you're done yep bye They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Let's get this thing over with, you said, did you? Yep. That's the spirit? Aye. Well, you fucking sprung it on me. It's a podcast that we always do on Monday. So halfway through my fucking Saturday, Oh, you fucking sprung it on me. It's a podcast that we always do on Monday. So halfway through my fucking Saturday,

when I'm stoned already, you go, oh, should we just do the podcast today? And I was like, well, or tomorrow or Monday the day we don't. I'm moving out tomorrow. This is the last day with us. You should be like, oh my God. Aye, but we're going to get into the tradition

of after this, of you coming back here every Monday to do the fucking podcast. So why break that tradition immediately well it's like end of an era stuff like we're locked down

together had a swell time it's not the end of an era you were part you were part of half of my fifth lockdown like it's not been that important

well it meant nothing to you it's not meant nothing but it was longer lockdowns remember we used to live together and it was just normal because like we were just boys about town and that.

And then I went away and got married and moved in with the last and all that. And then you just got to relive some of that early years. I don't know. Like having Bro back in the house and all that for a couple of months. Well, because back in the day, we used to go out shagging.

Cara was just around cock-blocking the whole time. I'm sorry. No, I mean, it's been a fun played state at Decay 2. car was just a run cock-blocking the whole time I'm just aye erm no I I mean it's been fun playing State of Decay 2 with you if that's any consolation

because when we do that we're like right can we just pretend we don't live together and go in different rooms aye and play that online aye

play between the office and the fucking house erm so why are you not here on Monday why do we have to do this now er get my keys to my house I've bought a house

I just thought like you know I haven't worked for a year I might as well get myself some financial commitment oh yeah you just have to buy a car as well get a car

get a house really make it you know we're not on tour this year right you know what I've just found the first year of lockdown just like the difficulty was uneasy

and I was like how do I make this a bit more challenging? And I thought like, I'll put myself bang onto the bread line. I'll make it so that like, just the bare bones. You were very confident in the roaring 20s.

People seem to think you're going to be coming along. Aye. The roaring 20s, that was fucking shortly, wasn't it? No, no, it's because people, because there was the,

obviously Spanish flu and then there was the roaring 20s after that when like art and culture was thing and everyone was out. It was after World War I. Aye. And you sort of go, yeah, but the reason there were roaring 20s back then

was because during that pandemic back then, billionaires didn't become more billionaires. Like the money stayed. It didn't necessarily stay amongst the fucking poor, but it certainly wasn't fucking hoarded by everyone. By the time we all come out of this, there's going to be no money to spend. Aye.

So that's a cool dark reality I've got to face. But luckily I've got to... My wife can handle it if I hit the skids. She'd rather I didn't. Aye. Aye, she's the breadwinner. Cara's... I don't know if Cara is

The braid winner She currently is I'm still doing the next two I managed to do a bunch of shows last year So I think I'm still the man of the house Aye You just won Because you've done a car park gig

Aye You've done a couple of gigs With Brent Cross Aye The fucking Palladium Yeah Yeah I suppose it was that

Aye The two shows that played him in the five that clapped him grand when you look back now because that just seemed like it was the slow the world slowly opening back up I didn't think it was going to be that

at the time I didn't think did you think it was a window that was going to open and close on work I thought it was like this is where it's going to be for a little while you've got to play at 30% capacity venues there's got to be all these regulations and you've got to play at like 30% capacity venues there's got to be

all these regulations and slowly but surely you'll get a bit more and then it closed back down again and looking back on that now it was like

oh Belter how good that we've got a day two I think that happens I think that's going to happen this year

but that being said I also have not updated any of my knowledge of coronavirus since about August last year. I'm just vaguely aware that it's the numbers are higher than they've ever been

and it's getting worse than it's ever been so it hasn't got better. I tend not to watch the news so I don't really know what's happening. I'd say my own little bubble of micro happiness that I'm trying to live in. Biden's president. I looked at the real world for that. That was fun. You actually got his bubble of micro happiness that I'm trying to live in you know Biden's president ah yes

I looked at the real world for that that was fun you actually got us you got us out of my room I was just sat reading my book in my room

and you were like do you want to come and hold hands and watch telly I said I'll watch telly well you joined them with Kumbaya though I didn't even know

the words so I was just like I didn't even know what the words so I was just like I didn't mean to laugh at the words so I was just like just trying to join in

you were giving me a big lick so you didn't even notice that I was there like a couple of seconds behind

you like bye bye bye well the song's not about you is it you had your

eyes shut same thing I drank out of downstairs I could tell she wasn't that fucking interested I'm like it

doesn't matter it's history like we're currently living through history I'm like it doesn't matter it's history we're currently living through history so you might as well just when it's happening pay attention to it so

because even though at the moment it might not seem that fucking interesting I guarantee 50 years where your grandkids are like

what was Donald Trump like we'll go oh man it was fucking wild this as well major events like that

like I was stood at the top of the empty estate building once and I was looking over where the two towers used like that like I was stood at the top of the Empire State Building once and I was looking over where the two towers used to be and I was like I wish it hadn't

if you believe in that I wish it hadn't happened but since it did happen this would have been a better place to stand while it was I'd like to have a look

have a deeks oh you reckon like oh oh and also like the pandemonium like you're at a safe distance you're going through this fucking ride and you're there and all distance you're going out through this fucking ride

and you're like you were there and all that right and you saw it happen in real time right like so when there's

a massive event like like you know an inauguration you're like the side of his head might blow off aye

and I'd be keen to be watching it when that happened so I could go and everyone remembers where the weird I was like oh aye

I was at Danny's house I was watching the telly when it happened and all that to be there aye but I get what you're saying obviously you didn't want that to happen

aye but you're not going to be upstairs reading a book that you could have read at any point well it did aye but do you not think if you were in the fucking

Empire State Building and you saw the players going to the Swintow your first thing would be well fucking this is the next hit there's no way you're in a very tall building

seeing a plane go into two tall buildings and be like, it's probably just those two. But retrospectively, you know that you're going to be safe there? Aye,

always. Retrospectively, so like, you're up there, you know you're going to be safe at the time, you get the thrill ride of it all. Yeah,

you've got a lot of stairs ahead of you because no one's going to be getting in the lift. Aye, I reckon it would be, but that's the thing as well there was no safe

well I mean there was obviously a safe distance but you didn't know what the fucking safe distance was so it's people just in the bottom being like there's no way that's going to fucking

oh shite there it goes and then I wonder what you'd do and then they got saved by Steve Buscemi I'd probably just like whatever

I'll just I'll go and do lasties crack on panicking can you imagine how fucking weird that'd be because you know Steve Buscemi.

Aye. Aye. I look a bit like him. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I'm glad you said it. There's a story going right... He's not a strong look. No, no, but he's a strong actor. He's instantly recognisable, but for bad reasons.

There's this story going... I think it's true, but it's also on the internet. I didn't fact-check any of it, but I've seen it a bunch of times from different sources that he used to be a fireman before he became an actor so after 9-11 happened

he immediately signed sort of back in just to be part of the fucking rescue squad like he was like obviously I'm not going to the building

but the recovery stuff and that happened a lot in New York all of these out of retirement firemen were just like nah nah nah we're putting the fucking

hat on we're going to do the best we can which is very very noble everybody done stuff like that I mean I started swimming teaching again you went back to being

a paintball ref like well I just started doing stuff that we used to do just for the cracker just just doing it at similar times you know I imagine

I'd fucking wear it and be like you've survived 9-11 like whether you're at the bottom or you're just all this fucking rubble you're one of those

lucky lucky survival and finally like all the rocks start moving like light starts coming through and you're like is that the fucking

homeless guy from Big Daddy is that the guy that rode the nuclear weapon on Armageddon is that fucking

broad broad rock empire that fucking I know that's not out yet but does he play Crazy Eyes

in Big Daddy no not Big Daddy in Mr Deeds yes yes he does because that's what I was going

to come in with then I was like what if I've got the wrong guy it's very weird I don't know how Steve Buscemi a genuinely

brilliant actor made it into Adam Sandler's crew like with David Spade and Rob Schneider like don't get me wrong I'm glad it happened and I love his cameos in all the movies because I do like most Adam Sandler's crew like with David Spade and Rob Schneider I'm glad it happened and I love his cameos

in all the movies because I do like most Adam Sandler movies because I'm a white man I guess it would just be like fucking seeing Robert De Niro hanging out with Tyler Perry I don't know who any of those are Tyler Perry's like a he's a

big black American comic who's like he does the there's a character called Madea which is basically just

it's just him as a big black woman and he's just playing that character it's like their version of Mrs Brown's Boys or fucking borderline Miss Big Mama's but then he just gets like a super star and he's on to Roche he was in tell you who he is he was fucking version of Mrs Brown's boys with fucking borderline big mamas.

But then he just gets like a super star and he's on to Raj. He was in, tell you who he is, he was in, what's that movie where fucking

Matt Damon's wife's a bitch, Ben Affleck's wife's a bitch. Oh, Gone Girl. Aye. He's the lawyer. Aye. That's Tyler Perry. Right.

He was a serious actor in there but he became famous from the media movies. That was the one movie because I try not to be a book snob. You know how like Right. But he was the serious actor in there, but he became famous from the media movies. That was the one movie that, because I try not to be a book snob. You know how, like, people might slam Ready Player One

because they prefer the book, right? The book's class from Ready Player One, but the film's also class. The film is great. And they might not have stayed completely true to it, but it was true enough, the premise was on point, and it was a spectacle,

yet it'll probably not have the biggest rating than fucking Rotten Tomatoes because people are book snobs right even I didn't like the Dark Tower movie I love the books

and I am not a fan of the books right but I just watched it like it was a different thing Gone Girl on the other hand I just couldn't let go of the book

when I watched it because it's such a psychological thriller in the book right and it's all inside the head of the people

Ben Affleck just doesn't have the facial range to kind of convey the emotions that's going on in that guy's head such a psychological thriller in the book right and it's all inside the head of the people right Ben Affleck just doesn't have the facial range to kind of convey the emotions that's going on in that guy's head in the book

I see I didn't I'd never read the book he's going through way more psychologically than Affleck could really

execute and I just couldn't I couldn't get away with it I'd say I'd never seen it before so I found that

I found that people hadn't read the book, loved the movie. Aye, because you were just like, oh my God, this is fucking great. Tell you what, the movie is fucking shite, though. Oh, I can tell you. Go on then. We watched it last night. We did. You know what, we settled in, we had a fucking really nice night planned.

It wasn't ruined, it was still fun in that the movie was shite. Aye. Right, but we're like, let's say you had a weed slushie. Aye. I put a spoonful of weed in me coffee. Mm-hmm. I had a dram of whiskey.

You're a day in dry January to an extent. I mean, you're getting stoned. Aye. Right? Oh, yeah, and I've fully steered

into that car crash. Aye. Like, I could have easily, like, I was just on the rumble strip and I'm like, steered into it

and it's like, I could have easily gone back on the road. I love the way that yesterday you were like, so I'm curtailing it. I'm like, only starting me weed at like 4.20 and you're giving it all that, right? And then I'm like, at two o the road. I love the way that yesterday you were like, so I'm curtailing it. I'm like only starting my weed at like 4.20.

And you're giving it all that, right? And then I'm like at two o'clock, I'm like, do you want to do the podcast? You're like, I'm high. Oh yeah, no. What, 4.20 in the morning? No. It's starting at 4.20 in the morning.

Weekends don't count. Oh, okay. Obviously. Right. Only a madman would hold himself to that. Like I do it at 4.20 every day because I've normally done work during the day. And that's normally like, and I do done work during the day and that's normally like

and I do do work during the day like I come out of fucking stream I'll write some shit I'll clean the house I'll do all me chores I'll fucking have

dinner and lunch ready and I just man I don't know what people do after 5pm like once you've done a whole day sober what's the point

in doing everything's better when you're high I find I've been sober in the evenings because I always put a football on I put a film on

but you're right either of those things I bet I would with Spliff you know what Spliff does good for me as well it detaches us

from my phone I'm not engrossed from my phone when I'm high I wouldn't fuck out the day with it actually it blows me buzz

so I just toss it away sometimes I kind of find it because I've lost all contact with my phone emotionally I enjoy

I enjoy just fucking I enjoy it. I didn't get high for that. I enjoy just fucking, I enjoy reading when I'm high because I used to think, like I used to stop myself doing so many things and I was like, you'll just not fucking remember. Man, you do.

Like sometimes I do my studying high. And don't get me wrong, you have to fucking write everything down dead slow, but that keeps it in your head. And if you have to read the same paragraph three times in a fucking row it sticks in your goddamn head

so I would love to go back in time and laugh at young me who was just like what I used to do with you and be like wait it's not even

addictive and you go well I mean there's nothing in gambling that's addictive but it's still addictive people get addicted to fucking anything

you get addicted to it because you like it it's all the endorphins it's a thing you enjoy doing it's like I'm not addicted to football

But I continually watch it And play it when I can Because I really like it It brings us joy But that's technically addiction If it's setting off good senses in your brain And that's why you're doing it That's addiction

You're going to get addicted to babies So we put a spoonful of weed in my coffee Had a couple of drams of whiskey Finished the bottle and we played this computer game called this is where you have a guess

like house movers moving out moving out right moving out which you're dropping hints big time by saying yeah I don't want to play this I hadn't even registered but I got past, I don't want to play this. I hadn't even registered.

But I got past it like, oh, do you want to play Moving Out with me and Cara? And I'm like, all right, I get it. It gives me a couple of days. There's me stuff still lying around. Just on the note of this, the other day when we were watching Arrival, Ryan Cullen genuinely got up and was like, anyone else want some Space Invaders? And we all started laughing.

He's like, I don't understand. I'm like, you are the easiest person in the world to advertise to he's watching he's watching Arrival being like I don't get it we're like

what did you just say I want to eat Space Invaders while watching Arrival and we're like and none of that scat is a joke to you oh fuck subliminal

aye so we played this moving hood game and it was fucking great like me and you because you have to

work together you're basically moving stuff out the house and if there's like an L shaped sofa you have to grab an end each aye have to shout pivot

a couple of times aye me and you just couldn't work together couldn't do it knee chemistry aye but

me and your lass however it's like we're wearing the same body let's be fair me and your lass however I think we're wearing the same body I also did well with Cara you should it's all a partnership but for some reason

we just didn't we both did well with Cara but the minute we both started there was one time we were carrying a couch over this ledge and we both fell off the side and the only thing that stopped us from dropping

was that we were all down to the couch so the couch is held on by the ledge we're holding it on the side and we're just in the living room screaming at each other and I'm like

well I can't do anything so we played that until we got a bit too high to play it it got it started getting

a little bit like hard on the eyes and the dexterity and the it it got it started getting a little bit like hard on the eyes and the dexterity and the concentration span we all started getting anxious playing it aye because it's like

it can be a stressful game and also sometimes when you get stressed or you're really getting into a game you start raising your voice because it tends to get high but also you don't want to yell at the people that you love

yeah and you go I'm getting yelly but I don't want people to think I'm being yelly but let's just watch a movie yelling kindly just get the fucking thing

and I fell out with a tortoise the tortoise in the game that just kept nipping me bum and I was like whoa tortoise dinner first please so aye that was good

and then we started watching the shittest movie of all time Wonder Woman 1984 what went wrong? where did the fucking Wonder Woman let's preface this by saying

I loved the first Wonder Woman movie I thought it was fucking excellent I made Carol watch it about three weeks ago because I was like this is a genuinely

fucking good superhero movie I watched it on my own in Brighton at the cinema it was really good such good fight scenes that fucking scene where she jumps on the fucking shield

punches the church with the sniper in it to shit all good bad guy was a bit shitty but it's dc and they've i mean you take what you can get with them there was one bit where you're just in the middle of the film just like has anyone checked in on us if she's all right you know and who and you went the the director of this oh she's not okay because it's the same director as the first one but what i did know is i don't know if this was true for the first one but Zack Snyder produced

Wonder Woman 1984 now Zack Snyder cannot make a good movie right the only he's made two good movies right really good movies

300 and Sin City and the reason those movies are very very good is because Zack Snyder was not allowed any direct of freedom he copied the movie

frame by frame from what it was in the comic books. Did he do Watchmen as well? Yes, he did. He changed the ending of it slightly. I've done them back to back. I read it and then watched it

and I was like, cool, yeah, you've done what was in the comic pretty much. The ending's different, but frame by fucking frame. And then everyone's like, oh my God, Zack Snyder's made two of the greatest films, comic book films of all time,

300 and since then, let's let him make whatever he want. And ever since then, he's driven every project into the fucking ground because he can't direct shit because he's a terrible director. So I'm willing to maybe pass off that it's not her fault here.

And it was Zack Snyder's dirty, dirty fingers getting involved. But if you've not seen the movie Wonder Woman 1984, genuinely pause here, go away, watch it and don't listen to the rest of this podcast because I'm pretty sure are you going to say spoiler alert on a

film that is so hard spoiled well no no that you couldn't spoil it if you tried yes but I also sort of feel like we'll be giving away plot points

by talking about the bits that we fucking hated so people probably want to judge it by themselves I'm just giving them can we talk about how it started off

right where slightly cheesy visually great so we're high we don't know what the film's going to be like yet 15 minutes in hasn't really done anything wrong yet it is what we're expecting cheesy visually great so we're high we don't know what the film's going to be like yet 15 minutes in

hasn't really done anything wrong yet it is what we're expecting it's a little bit like it's like Hunger Games kind of vibe there's this competition it's her and the Amazonians

and they're doing a fucking race competition and it's quite a good scene intro and then snap fucking Paul Blart mall cop for half an hour aye so she's in a

there's plastic somebody's robbing a shopping mall because there's evil artifacts in there and it's shot in 1984. And by the way, there's no point in the movie

where there's any reason that this movie is set in 1984. It's not pivotal to the plot. Nothing happened that year of note that it's centred around. It's not even an era where you go, oh, that looks like the 80s. Oh, remember 1984? The greatest year of note that it centered around like it's not even an era where you go oh that looks like the 80 oh remember 1984 the greatest year of all time it wasn't the slightest bit orwellian no there was nothing and so they did a sort of cheesy thing where it's

clearly meant to be from the like of all the wonder woman and superman and batman things of old where it was like hey it was just 80s things graphics weren't fine here she is winking at they didn't do it anywhere near as charming as Stranger Things no

not at all and they made it like it was almost like it went from like it was like it switched direct

that's straight after that intro scene and it went into like like I don't know what I was trying because I'm like am I missing the point here by complaining about it

but is this like an 80s movie like even then 90s movies because I'm like I'm missing the point here by complaining about it but is this like an 80s movie like even then 90s movies aren't they like Home Alone aye like it was like

a slapstick family friendly like wacky film yeah I'm like why why has it went wacky but then it went dark a bit and then it was

then it was fucking Gal Gadot like doing some fucking research into shit and if you don't here's the plot of the entire movie. And I'm not kidding. Feel free to... When you think I'm making shit up or exaggerating.

So, there's a magic wishing stone which has existed since the dawn of time. And it's the magical wishing stone that got rid of the Mayans. Because they wished themselves to death. But it's got Latin on it. Aye, of course.

Is that the famous tongue of South America? Yep. Started there, actually. So Gal Gadot, some guy wishes for coffee and he gets coffee. And then Wonder Woman, she goes,

I wish my boyfriend was alive. And that wish comes true. And that's why Chris Pine is in the movie because Wonder Woman wished him back to life wished him back to life but it's not him he's in the body of someone else but she sees a random guy

who's got his own thing going on he's got his own life going on she wishes her dead boyfriend who died in a plane crash in World War I saving a bunch of lives she wishes his soul into this guy's body whose soul went

by the way it doesn't matter nobody knows just kicked out. His soul got evicted. And she shagged that body. Not her ex-boyfriend, whose mind was in there. She shagged the body of this person that she's never met before.

Well, he was essentially in a coma. Aye. Well, to be fair, if I was in a coma, and when I woke up, they were like, we've got terrible news. While you were sleeping, Gargadon fucked you. You'd be like, why did you wake us up you couldn't wake us up

while it was happening no that's why we brought her in we thought we really thought that would do it for you like we're sorry turns out it was sniffing salts

I can't believe we didn't try that it just seemed too cliche so she wishes her boyfriend back to life and her again her boyfriend was a pilot in world war one and flew a plane he walked past a fighter jet and he's like i really want to fly that and she's like

sure there's no reason this will go wrong because planes famously haven't advanced in the past 60 years so he flies a fighter jet without fail while they're flying planes come and find him he's like i can fly well she's like well radar exists now and he's and find him. He's like, I can fly well. She's like, well, radar exists now. And he's like, what's that? She's like, don't worry. Not only have I only just mentioned radar, I'm also just bringing this up. I had a dad and he could make things invisible. I'll give this a bash for the first time.

Invisible plane. Then her boyfriend, who died in a plane crash, like, not in a plane crash, died in a plane in mid-air because of explosions. That's how he died. He decides to fly the fighter jet through a firework display

when his last living memory was exploding in a ball of flames in the sky. He manages to drive this fighter jet through this firework display. I'm going to assume four miles an hour. Oh, it could have been because it lasted about a minute. I don't know how big a firework display it was

but let's say it was a stadium. Let's say it was the Sydney Harbour Bridge. One of the big firework displays, right? You'd probably pass over that in a fighter jet. Maybe three seconds max. Three seconds or less.

Yeah. A full minute. Aye. Just slowly like a fucking balloon. They had time to enjoy the firework display while amongst it. Whistling.

Aye. And then stare in each other's eyes and ignore the very short-lived firework display and then go back to admiring it. Also, just a quick question, Kai. Who's the bad guy in the movie again? Oh, it was Prince Oberyn, also Pablo Escobar,

also Mandalorian. Great actor. Genuinely love him. Who just made the worst career choice of all time in acting like that. I don't know why he acted like that. Did he get told to act like that? Please explain the bad guy. What's the concept of the bad guy? Oil tycoon who gets the wishing stone in Wishes for Unlimited Wishes. So you know that asshole who when you go, if you had one wish, what would it be? And they go, and wishes for unlimited wishes. Aha. So you know that asshole who when you go,

if you had one wish, what would it be? And they go, I wish for more wishes. That's the bad guy. And that's not an exaggeration. That is his story. He wishes for more wishes

and he gets them. But surprise, surprise, there's a price to pay. They mentioned Monkey Hand 19,000 times during the movie just to really hammer home the, huh, sometimes wishes aren't all they seem. And we're like, yeah, we all watched that fucking Rick and Morty episode,

you dumb cunt. It's like somebody that's never acted before in their life and has only ever watched children's cartoons got told to act like a bad guy. Oh, it was two hours and 20 minutes long. Two hours. Oh, but you slept through the end of the movie. I had to tap out. It was two hours and 20 minutes long. Aye. Two hours. Oh, but you slept through the end of the movie.

I had to tap out. I was going to go to bed and I was just saying, I'm comfy, I'm high, the whiskey's working on us. I'm just going to shut my eyes and just let this rain out. Well, let me just tell you the ending. Aye, I tried to, like, it was my way of fast-forwarding it. No, I mean, the end of the movie really turns around. So, evil wish man decided, oh, there was magical, because he needs to grant people's wishes and get power from them.

He has to physically touch them, right? So fortunately, the FBI have invented a camera that uses a type of sonic frequency that counts as human touch for absolutely no reason whatsoever. So that his skin is projected from the TV out into the world and anyone watching the TV will therefore grant his wishes.

So he's filming, he's like, everyone, I'll give you all your wishes. And then there's a tornado of bad wishes. And even though... Oh, because, yeah, the bad wishes obviously cause like an occluded front of course in the difference in pressures like kind of make the wishes swirl

around thank you yeah it's basic it doesn't take a meteorologist to know that that bad wishes yeah cause yeah like if there's a lot of fire in one place you get a firestorm yeah right there's a lot of bad wishes in one place you get a bad like every time that I wish that boys would have sex with us this is a bit of a storm like brewing inside of you there's always bad weather

so even though she's just also by the way she learned to fly which by the way like she didn't need that because

I saw the way she got from A to B somebody if I fired a mortar with a bazooka and she just lassoed the bazooka and just like, whoop, I'm going with that now. You know when cars

crash into her and she doesn't flinch and they float over the top of her? The momentum of a fucking two pound grenade though sent her halfway across Palestine, a country that Calcadore fought against. And it doesn't slow down any

you know she just whoop there I go she actually caught a bullet with a lasso as well yeah well no

she cut the bullet in half a minute don't be ludicrous you can't catch it no a bullet is far too light to catch it's at least a kilogram lighter

than a grenade she would have just fucking went with it she just flew off with it I'm going to stop doing this so even though she can get hit by a car

and fly through space and catch up with the fucking fighter jets she cannot get through this tornado of bad wishes right so what other things

does Wonder Woman have to potentially get through to this evil man in a tornado of wishes Alice who makes people tell the truth doesn't it well I mean you're almost there she gets him at the end no no no she's got her words Kai

so she starts speaking to him she manipulates him the clues in the title wonder woman she's manipulative that's one of my skills so she starts going only you have the power to take this back only you have the power to take this all away Only you have the power to take this all away. If you renounce your rest and realise it was selfish,

then you can take it all back. And he's like, but why would I do that when I'm the most powerful? And then, Kai, there was a tear in my eye, let me tell you, when she turned round and said, I wasn't talking to you. She wasn't talking to him, Kai. She was talking to everyone still watching the television. Did you turn to the screen? Or did you break the fourth wall?

Instead of viewers of this movie, you need to wish for it to have a good ending. I do believe in fairies. I do, I do. That's an excellent reference. Thank you to everyone who laughed. And, and, and, and. So instead of this one man revoking his wish,

six billion other people were like, sure, 100%, they wish for it back. And then he changed his mind because the lasso of truth was on him. Oh, he admitted he was a con artist, I think. And then everyone realised. And then did Chris Payne just disappear and then the guy came back?

No, she was a really saw cock. Why can't I piss straight? and then everyone realised and then did Chris Payne just like disappear and then and then the guy came back no she with a really sore cock why can't I piss straight it's like myself and Irene she no she wished him she unwished him alive

because he was like look I've had a great life and obviously we've all got to unwish our wishes if the world's going to get any better and and and then he died

and she was sad about it and then also Kristen Wiig's character who at one point goes her original wish was she wanted to be as strong as Wonder Woman and just like Wonder Woman

and then became absolutely nothing like Wonder Woman she then wished to be the apex predator so I mean obviously you know the apex predator

of the world oh like the tiger and the shark no sorry no no no no Kai the top the gorilla no sorry no no no no Kai the top the gorilla

no like I think the bear the grizzly no Kai I need you to obviously I'm talking about the apex predator like the best

to become human good guess right so not not shark not gorilla none of those hunters. Was it...

Oh, what's that one that can go fast? They're pretty light on their feet, but sometimes don't catch their prey? Yep, yep, yep. They can't really bring down a buffalo, so they have to get the run to the litter from the back. Uh-huh, yeah. And if they don't run fast...

They get chased off by hyenas a lot of the time. Yes, yeah. And the ones that die if they run too fast for too long. Oh, the cheetah? Yes, yes. Of course, so she... So somewhere between squirrel the time. Yes, yeah. And the ones that die if they run too fast for too long. Oh, the cheetah. Yes, yes. Of course, so she... So somewhere between squirrel and bear. Yes, aye.

On the food chain. Piping hot fucking garbage. So yeah, because she was like a dorky character. It was such an offensive character. Like it was a really really upsetting character Kristen Wiig who I love by the way

I think she's a phenomenal actress like she's but the wish didn't work in real life for her to be able to act more than one type of role

no but she man she was great and she was in fucking The Martian she was good in that she's done more serious roles she's capable

she's doing that difficult step from comedy to drama and there's been some genuinely successful steps that she's fucking taken. But this one, she's like, I'm a ditzy, ugly girl who's nerdy and I've never been popular. And you go, oh, so this was also written in 1984.

Right, I see. That's why it's called 1984. This wasn't a hack back then. One thing I found laughable about that wish as well is that she came out of it and she didn't change her ways any apart from she went from skirt to trousers, which somehow that means you're cool now. She went from skirt to trousers. That was the only real difference with the character,

the whole character, the way she acted, anything about her. The only thing that changed was the way the world responded to her. The world responded to her like she was acting that way. And I was like, did she get her wish or not? I don't think she got a wish. Yeah, I think the point was that the wishes, she never became those things. The wishes weren't real, Kai.

Did they really put emphasis on that she could now walk straight in heels? Yes. Because, well, obviously, Kai, that's... When was the last time... Apex Predator. Apex Predator. When have you not seen cheetahs running heels? I've never looked closely closely but I always just assumed

they'd have like I've never have you not heard David Attenborough when he talks about because it's very difficult for obviously cheetahs

well it's not difficult for them to run in heels they're Apex Predators it's difficult for them to get the heels on Kai because they've got no opposable thumbs Apex Predator

yeah so it's getting it's getting them on but there's always that bit it goes here in the jungle where you can

see the cheetah running at 90 miles an hour in a pair of john gauthier boutons i don't know any brands

we made it's way few storeways wear heels and she was a cheetah fuck you fuck you

what's wrong that's that no what's wrong you wanted that no what's wrong you wanted to get back with that but I was like mate it's never

going to change our spots oh fucking oh god well the podcast was spending that one early

on a high on a high we'll move on to emails now just like that we got a couple of emails we did

our complaining worked aye like that we got a couple of emails we did our complaining worked aye what have we got I piss in the sink there's no start to this this is the start

I piss in the sink a lot using your analogy Mr. Slausage if the sink wasn't for pissing in it would be at hand height thank you very much

I do give my baby a wee wet down after as well to keep myself all booby booby fucking thank god he wets his baby down

after he pisses on it well I just think like you like to piss in the sink but not the same sink that you wash your daughter in aye like it's perfectly fine

to wash your child in the sink like who didn't have a fucking sink bath when they were young aye but they wouldn't be

pissing in it they wouldn't be able to in it, will they? They wouldn't be able to do it with the pissy water. Aye. That's like, just fucking might as well wash them in the bidet. I also bit my toenails until I lost my flexibility getting to yoga. And now I just get your dad to buy them for me. Your dad's got a Jeremy Beedle hand and he uses it to wank.

Have a nice day, boys. Love yous, you pair of poo pirates and then he said we're assuming he as well by the way that could be a lass that was pissing in the sink with his boobie

oh yeah aye well you know hi guys big fan og podcast listener I have no idea what that means oh Jake I was kidding

oh man oh fuck you you fucking idiot me I thought I thought you were what does

what does that mean oh that means what the fuck oh FML oh FML OG podcast that means what the fuck? Oh. FML. Oh, FML. OG podcast, that means original gags to podcast.

Let's do it. Aye. And I've been to see you guys around six to seven times. Loser. I should have sent this email last week after listening to the podcast, but completely forgot about it, and no, it's not to comment on Kai eating his boogies, although that is disgusting.

Thank you. Grow up. Get a question and answer. Daniel was asked what his favourite stories of Kai were and Daniel brought up a time when Kai was living at Daniel's old house in Edinburgh he was having a bath with his then girlfriend and accidentally pissed and kicked it back there was fucking nothing I said then about it the story goes on but ended with the girlfriend I'm paraphrasing now as I can't

completely remember the story I remember being doubled over laughing at the thought and though hopefully you guys remember the story and I know Kai isn't shy about sharing embarrassing stories on the podcast and I think that story of his would be hilarious to the podcast listeners have a good one cheers Mark I talked over him at the end there I was putting in on him he's alluding to the romantic bath story where my ex-girlfriend pissed in my face but that wasn't in the throes of passion when I was saying I've never pissed on

I've been pissed on I totally suppressed the memory where I got assaulted well no you didn't get assaulted you got noted and you got your comeuppance aye so that was because we were down in

we can do a short version we were down in Newcastle after doing a particular tour of Scotland after two weeks. During those two weeks, I had been having sex with many, many, many, many women too. And you were obviously in a relationship and just fucking wanking yourself silly in every holiday in north of the border. I'm not silly, actually. Sensible. I was wanking myself sensible. Just making sure you didn't make any bad decisions.

If I hadn't have wanked, I would have done something. But thankfully, I've gone out not horny. I was reluctantly wanking. We finally got back down to Newcastle for one of the gigs and you were like, do you want to go to the cinema and see a movie?

And I was like, no, I'll stay here. Give me some space. Yeah. Go away. And I was not willing to, I'll stay here. Give me some space. Yeah. Go away. And I was not willing to do that because I'm very funny and nice. What's that between, Will? Aye. You decided to go run a bath for you and your girlfriend.

You took her through to the bathroom and decided not to join you because, you know. Despite the invites. Aye. Despite the protests. So, aye, she's in front of me in the bath. You're giving her A bath massage Dead romantic Candles on

Intense burning And I needed a little wee Aye So I let a little bit of wee Come out Why'd you not Go for a pee The bathroom

It's got the bath In the toilet In the sink Right I'm not going to Get out the bath Get out the bathroom The toilet

Piss in front of her Why Because that would Spoil the mood? Well, it's just like, not very sexy as having a piss. So what did you do instead? It's just a little bit, so I just let it out. I just let it in the bath water. Like in the middle of the lake, yellow rainbow.

So just a tiny bit. Aye. It didn't like, I wasn't like fucking, I wasn't like, I was... You weren't washing her back. I wasn't like, I was trying to get a fucking moss out of the drive wheel. So yeah, I just splashed the water around And I'm like I'm giving her a rub Uh huh Just sized it

She was like ooh warmer water Didn't change the colour of the water I didn't put any of the candles out Uh huh Little wee Got away with it Got away with it She gets up

Turns out Puts her leg up on the side of the bath And I'm like, oop. Oh, there's a vag, that's for licking, that's what that's for. It's been a little while. Uh-huh, here we go, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum. And you go.

And then it was like someone had held a lighter up to the sprinkler system. I think, oh, I should have been hearing an alarm. Is it a cat? Come on, catalyst Daniel come on is it a catalyst oh my god he's cock blocking eh man

she was fucking she had a piss in me dish because she'd felt it and she'd known aye instead of like oh you dirty bastard she laid a trap for you

one that she knew you'd go straight in alright dumped her that was the end of that little little soiree I don't put her. That was the end of that little sworry. I don't think you're the one.

That's funny, because when you told me that story, I could have swore she was the one. It's not you, it's Pete. I've met somebody else. Haven't met her yet. She's out there and she's holding it in that's not only respect for me

but self respect the fucking nerve of you to play the victim you fucking pissed on her back she pissed in my face because you pissed

on her back I didn't regret it no I had to find out what she'd done in the end imagine I hadn't pissed on her back she pissed in my face because you pissed on her back I didn't regret it no I had to find out what she'd done in the end imagine I hadn't pissed on her back and she tried that move at least I've got like

a consolation goal for like a fucking 6-1 it's not a consolation goal it's a I just got to score first if you get beat 6-1 it's a consolation goal

isn't it shit in the bed sorry turns out the girls can't aim with precision unless you're saving for me tits

I ran running out and tell the youth you snitched immediately I didn't even get dry just had my towel on my waist dripping everywhere you could still tell

I had a fucking bone with a towel the way it was held tears streaming down your face I thought it was tears it was tears yellow tears crocking down

you were watching this guy and she had a baroque attitude it's like now I need to run the bath again I need a second bath it's like going on you know when you hold a hose pipe

before a dog it starts smacking at the hose stream aye you just leave the sprinkler in one direction

and it does that thing where it just runs takes a bite and jumps through the air

stay in that disillusioned piss illusioned no I guess I started it. Oh, well. That's the levels.

And she finished it. Yay. Oh, God. Oh, hi. Just giving you a woman's perspective from one that pees in the shower. Oh, this is from your ex. It's just a straight stream,

but I don't even shave. Thank you. Like Kai said, if you angle your... I didn't even shave Thank you Like Kai said If you angle I didn't consider that The bush would get in the way Only if it's over Because obviously like Even if you've got a smile

Cocker'd still poke his head Out the bushes You bypass the bushes like Aye That's the So I don't mind If I I don't mind if you're bush

But I do think If it's If it's going over the bits That I like Come on now Oh yeah Like I like, come on now. Oh, yeah, yeah. Be a decent, come on now. This isn't, I'm not saying, look, your body, your choice,

but be a decent fucking host with you. Aye, but also my body, my choice, and I'm not licking that. I'm not being judgy, I'm just making my own decisions. Aye, that's just not. Same thing, like, it's like if I had big hairy balls, I wouldn't be like, suck my balls, but my big hairy fucking grapes with like little, but no, no, I'll get that off and then.

I've got a bit of manscaping to do at the minute. And my phone knows it, I don't know how. How? I'm just getting advertised to about manscaping every time I scroll. I'm like, how do you know? Do you think maybe like Natalie just keeps like dropping like hints in the chat, in your WhatsApp chat, and that's what they're spying on?

Oh, she thinks she's having a WhatsApp conversation. With you? With her friends about how hairy her butt is. She's dropping in the hints subtly, though. So obviously she's trying to get you to shave and stuff. So she's like, why don't you buy razors and slit your wrists and chew you? That's just normal. But what it's actually to do is to get them to say the word razor

and then it goes into your... Okay. Aye. Right, a bit of a stretch. She just keeps sending you videos of my shaving joke, which is going viral on TikTok. Which is going viral on TikTok, isn't it? Aye.

I've smashed TikTok and I'm not even on it. Did your mum tell there's 11 million views? Aye, so what's happened is what always happens with my stand-up, right, which is, you know how there's like one little tiny nice bit of my show and it's surrounded by shite, but like the reason it's always in there is I can't

for 75 minutes and then I just go and here's the fucking nice bit. Yeah, the TED Talk bit. Aye. And what people have done is... Screenshot that, put the words on the screenshot. Worse, worse, They've, like... So, like, the entire fucking point of X, right, as you know, was trying to make sure

that, like, fucking men felt comfortable about talking about it. Communicating men who need to look out for their mates. Ah, yeah, and also... Look out for them. You know, I keep... Keep the distance.

But also, just so that... But also what was very important to me was the fact that I didn't want men to feel attacked, right? Because when men feel attacked, they get fucking useless. They get defensive, they get angry, and they start shouting things like, not all men, as opposed to doing good things. So it's 75 minutes of blokes, blokes, blokes, blokes, blokes, blokes, blokes,

and then, right, while you're all listening, I've got your ear. They've cut out all that. So it's just the bit where I'm yelling at men. And I'm like, that's the exact opposite of what I was fucking going for. So a bunch of kids who've never seen me before just see me being like,

you're all a bunch of dirty perverts. And they're like, well, I'm never going to fucking watch him. And then what also happens on TikTok is people, they mime your bits. Yeah, okay. So they're doing lip sync sing alongs

to your jokes joke yogi aye joke yogi aye and it's you know if it makes them happy

it makes them happy but I hope they're like I don't know if they are always fucking tagging me they're also picking weird jokes

they're doing a shaving joke and I'm like don't do my shite stuff from years ago like come on. I've had good jokes.

Do ice cream for the Jews. Doing me new stuff. Aye. Be a real fan. Doing you bits. So, aye. So people are miming your jokes on TikTok and more people are saying they're miming it

than have ever seen ED them. Aye. Aye. That's a shame. Other people are going viral with me bits. The power of TikTok it's a powerful beast I'm not a fan of it

it's Muggle Corner oh 100% I've never even fucking so much as went on as a viewer to see what's up but I have seen how it bleeds onto

the social media and there are some bits that have fucking killed us man like the one where the three lads you know the buff lads with the skinny legs who are just stood there

posing with on the lash somebody animated them into doing a sea shanty song alright oh some of it you get people on it

I was fucking genuinely just in fucking bits at that you get some really creative people from what the ones that have gone fucking viral

and made their way over to twitter that are like as good as like some vines used to be oh I love I love vine.

How class was vine. What a good time in the internet's history. Remember when we used to do the Alakazam ones? Where we would make stuff disappear? Aye. Ended up with me naked on a roof of a fucking fire station in Sydney. I just kept going, Alakazam!

And then you'd disappear from the shot and then I'd go, Alakazam! And you'd reappear. But we'd done twists of that where I'd get a bunch of other shit and you'd disappear from the shot. And then I'd go, Alakazam, and you'd reappear. But we'd done twists of that where I'd get a bunch of other shit and you'd disappear with all of it. It was just a really fucking creative thing. It was just like, here's six-second sketches. There you go. And you could do fucking anything. There you go.

It's very fucking simple. Oh, what a class thing it was. Because you would hold a record, but as soon as you stopped, it would stop recording. But as soon as you hold again, it would start recording from then. So I did it one way like I was boiling the kettle boiling the kettle and then

when it boiled I stopped holding it refilled it with freezing cold water and then turned the camera on myself poured it over my head and screamed

as it looked like I was pouring a boiled kettle over my head and fucking I ended up in some like this troll just engaged with this guy actually I've been burned by the kettle

so I don't think this is very funny at all and I was bored and I engaged with him and I ended up having a fucking Facebook conversation and we comments on that video for a fucking good hour and it was the best my

high horse that I like sitting on is man I just don't fucking cage. Got some, my mum's always checking my mentions and stuff because she likes how well loved I am.

Makes her feel like she does a good job. But, there was some like negative one or two tweets from the fucking Graham Norton thing.

What's that? And I've just fucking read through. Did you see them? Because I didn't look at the comments after you'd been on that. Oh,

man, I just find them funny. Because here's the thing, there's so many of them that are easy to fucking reply to but the second you did you see them because I didn't look at the comments after you'd been on that oh man I just find them funny because here's the thing so many of them are easy to fucking reply to but the second you fucking reply to them you engage them

you give them I've been muggle calling myself for the time I've engaged with trolls but I sometimes just do it because I'm like you know what it's sparring

I think there's but man it really feels like it's like a toddler throwing underarm pitches to you and you don't want to play baseball

and they're like I'm beating you at baseball and you and you don't want to play baseball and they're like I'm beating you at baseball and you go no you decided we were playing baseball here was one of the tweets let's say you a comedian

can come up with a reply to this tweet that I got they said this without fear of retribution to be fair they didn't get any just see you at just see you at

Graham Norton and would rather have COVID than buy your book what's the reply I also hope you have COVID it's that easy to fucking engage with this shit or you just go

block and then it's over the person never sees you again they can't comment on you again right nothing's they've not got a reaction they're just thinking

and whatever bad mood they were in suddenly fucking dissipates hopefully or what because the minute you engage with them they've got more attention

than they've had in their entire life in their fishing for that all the time I mean after they've commented on your spot on Graham Norton they're commenting

on a bunch of shit trying to get that I did not care what they thought up until now in my life why do I suddenly care now that I know

their opinion I think it's an insane thing people just shout I think you're shit you all right how does that change anything in my life who do you think you are to me it's the fact that that person can now get inside of your house even if it's like via your mom saying oh you've seen this one right like it it's the fact that they can actually get in front of your eyes now it's such a weird power that they've never had before. Aye. But it's a power that you can deny them.

Like, it's so easy. It has got to. A lot of people, like, I saw Stephen Fry come off Twitter because he was, like, fucking sick of seeing it. Imagine it's a fucking... It's definitely way worse if you're a woman though like if you're a broad like

like all I get all I get is you're not getting threats of sexual violence nah and also my looks are never being brought into question

aye like it's all just all my ones are that's because you're very handsome yeah unlike those fucking toads I've seen some of them

ugh anyway like I said if you hang your hips you can aim perfectly It was fucking toads. I seen some of them. Anyway. Like I said, if you hang your hips, you can aim perfectly for the drain. I guess when you're older, like men, it's more of a dribble. Anyway. My worst embarrassing story involves shitting myself. Excellent.

You'll be in Kai's company there. Oh. How many times have you shat yourself? A few. Right. I was working at this convenience store in college alone, and the only way to use the bathroom is to lock up the store while no one is inside and run out into the closet dorm. Unfortunately, I was stuck with one person wandering in every few minutes,

and I knew I was in trouble. Eventually, when I was sweating too much and figured I had less than a minute, I shakily locked up and shouting everyone to just leave. It was an emergency. Great. Utter panic. It's an emergency! They're just like

is there a fire there's about to be making siren noises as she runs through meepo meepo oh they're here they're coming to get you

unfortunately five steps away from the bathroom it happened excellent oh that makes me so happy there's something funnier about shitting yourself

within sight of a toilet than there is you know if you shit yourself miles away from a there is you know if you shit yourself miles away from a toilet fair enough but if you shit yourself and the toilet's just there

you get there brilliant most people crush their car and the last mail to the house I cleaned it up as best I could but I had to wait 30 minutes working the register

until my guy roommate showed up with extra pants great I'm still haunted by people coming complaining about a terrible smell oh god

no it's coming from your oh I just blamed on a smell coming complaining about a terrible smell oh god no it's coming from your oh I just blamed on a smell coming from the back room and thankfully the only people that know this happened is my friend my boss

that saw it all on camera oh he's wanked to that isn't he the only people that know it knew an extra 4,000 listeners somebody's wanked to that I reckon

that's definitely a fetish people have well it's shitting in that no but just like man everyone wanks there's somebody that wanks to something

everything's been wanked to I guarantee you there's porn out there right where the fetish is you're masturbating over women just failing to get

out of the toilet and pissing themselves and shitting themselves there's no way that's not Guy people masturbate to Brazilian women farting on cakes. You know Two Girls, One Cup?

Yes. Well, I've never seen, read the book. Aye. What are they doing now? Was that made to shock or was that made to turn on? Were they doing the... Are they eating shit out of a cup? Aye.

Right. And did they do that for fetish? Aye, for fetish. To be like, oh, look how fucking gross we are? Oh, I don't know. You'd have to ask them. Are they getting off on it? I don't.

It's in a repressed part of my brain, and that's what it'll stay. What are they doing now? Like, you know how we're doing this with S Club 7? Aye. S Club Juniors. Let's do a little segment where we go, what are two girls one cup doing now?

Okay. I'll Google it now. I reckon one of them's dead. Aye. I reckon aye. And I reckon the other one's probably um in jail for killing the other one all right so you got one dead one in jail that's all i'm gonna go for i didn't think like yeah i didn't think yeah like maybe that's the bottom they come up from you know and they just end up living nice lives and they're just one of them works in the post office the other one's just like they help out

volunteer at a youth club and they're just like just living a day to day normal life now and they're like oh god remember those days we were wild I've got the answer

have I then I don't know where they are right so this is this is on reddit right but the guy's saying I found this very in depth

article from May last year. Maybe I'll fucking... Oh, my God. Two girls, one cup, an investigation into the web's shittiest mystery. Excellent. Let's see. Right.

Brad Kim. Oh, we've got names. We do. What are the names? Brad Kim. I don't know. Is it not girls? A girl called Brad?

No, no, no. Right, sorry. I'll just go back to the quote. So, the guy tracked down the director and then found the company that produced his video and apparently they're still up to business as usual. It was company produced. Apparently.

It wasn't just like he has a camera. He has me made. He has a cup of shit. Although Marco's original filmography begins and ends with Hungry Bitches, he's still in the effects game too. The company that produced that film, MFX, as in Marco Fiorito's X-rated movies,

has since rebranded as New MFX, a web portal replete with sections for every deviant interest. Piss, vomit, spit, farts, and more worrying stuff like trample and belly punch. If you click around, you'll even find recent videos starring Carla and Latifa, who are billed as the site's best actresses. In short, yes, the two of them continue to eat shit. Do they?

Aye. They're still fucking... Still eating shit? ...eating shit these days? Aye. That's being fucking... How are they not ill? Well, they probably do...

You know how old like retired actresses and what not go to those conventions for like fucking soap opera stars and like if you're an ex-superhero you just spend

most of your time going to comic con and what not maybe there's like a fucking fetish and porn version of that nah you can't get 15-20 years off

eating shit like yeah you can nah you can't there's a shelf life on that no football has only lasted 10 years

before the star fucking getting toned no because they'll stay in because they just change fetish There you can it There's a shelf life on that No For ballads only last 10 years Before they start Fucking getting toned No Because They'll stay in Because they just Change fetish At one point

They go from like Teenage shit eaters To like mature Shit eaters To then like Fucking elderly shit eaters And there's people That wanked all that shit

Literally Aye I didn't think that would have Longevity to it That game I thought that would be Like a flash in the pan that

no no I'm shocked astonished um no chance are the two girls one cup still

fucking churning out that yeah doubt them and underestimate them in your own peril they'd probably

catch some like old illness that like doesn't even exist anymore like cholera aye

jobby belly aye hey I'm not sure you've if you've moved past some old illness that doesn't even exist anymore like cholera. Aye. Joby Billy. Aye. Hey, I'm not sure if you've moved past childhood romance gone wrong. We have. The end. But I'm still haunted to this day

by the story from when I was nine. So I had this massive crush on this boy who had consistently been the class clown of our year. For context, I was the nerdy kid who shushed others

as she talked during class. Oh, you're about to become a cheater. Oh. A whole other story of me being embarrassing child that we will leave aside for now. Did she say she used to shush? Sorry, I'm interrupting you, but did she say she used to shush?

Other people's talking during class. Oh, that kid's in class. Aye. So she was, she said, shh, we're trying to learn. Oh, you're trying to get kicked the fuck. Like, imagine how much... I might have went to a very different school to her, like, but if I'd shushed one of the kids for talking in class.

Aye. Oh, I wouldn't have any teeth. I'd be sad, he'd have any teeth, and you'd be like, what's with your teeth, Kyle? And I'd say, shush the kid in me class. Shush the kid in me class. One day at lunch, one of my friends dared me to kiss him after lunch

while we were all lined up to go back into our classrooms. He was in a different class than me. It was a multi-year crush. I was down for the dare, but I was not feeling that bold. So instead of kissing him on the lips, I settled for the cheek. Fair enough. Figuring that still fulfilled the terms of the dare. So I walked up to him in front of the entirety of our two classes,

lined up in the hallway to go back into our classrooms and quickly pecked him of the dare. So I walked up to him in front of the entirety of our two classes lined up in the hallway to go back into our classrooms and quickly pecked him on the cheek. He immediately breaks out into tears and runs into his classroom. I am mortified by this response. Uh-huh. As I assumed if he was not enthused by the attention he would be more likely to make fun of me, being a class clown and all.

To make matters worse, he would not stop crying and was hiding in the back of the coat closet in his classroom. Jeez, how bad a kisser are you? So after ten minutes or so, he's rubbing his teeth, rubbing his teeth with turpentine. I can't kiss too.

I can't kiss too. Just kind of turn the water weights off. Snort bubbling out of his nose. So after ten minutes or so his teacher comes into my classroom and makes me go into the coat closet

to apologise to the she left you alone with him that terrified him leaving him in the fucking locked room with the perpetrator seven minutes in hell

motherfucker PTSD so put in the coat closet to apologise to this boy who's still crying it was all fairly humiliating he comes back to me

every once in a while when my brain thinks I've been doing too well oh my god that is mortifying thankfully at least this was the last time a boy cried

when I kissed him cheers Megan well thank you very much for sharing that one that is I imagine that comes up when you're in the shower it just haunts you

aye halfway through a wank and it just fucking knocks you off I through a wank and it just fucking knocks you off I think that lad as well I always try to flip this and look at the other kids point of view

when they grow up and go remember that last kiss that I just started crying I wouldn't come up with the cupboard aye what a fanny aye

there's no what an absolute fanny I am fucking hell I humiliated her aye myself aye I bet I was like oh now I'm going to get teased now for getting kissed by a lass you're like now you're going to get teased Fanny, I am. Fucking hell, I humiliated her. Aye, myself. Aye, I bet.

I was like, oh, now I'm going to get teased new for getting kissed by a lass. You're like, now you're going to get teased for bubbling like a little bitch. I don't like kisses. Oh, I remember one of the funniest times I ever, like, took the piss out of a lass when I was growing up, right, is, well, about 15, 16, right, and this lass was going to, Like, you know how when you used to just arrange to do stuff? I was arranged that she was going to suck off me mate, Carl, right? And it was going to be one of the wildest dudes hanging around the street who I can't...

She was going to suck you off there. She was like, oh, no, not me, Carl, right? And then just... We got started getting drunk and all that, and fucking Carl disappeared. And we're going looking for him, we're just waiting around the street, right? And we get around the corner, and fucking Carl disappeared. And we got out looking for him, we're just waiting around the street, right? And we get around the corner,

and there he is getting his dick sucked off this other lass, right? And the lass who was meant to be sucking his dick that night started crying in the middle of the street. She was like, I was meant to suck his dick! And I fucking, I was like, we didn't have camera phones at the time, right? But I was just saying, is anyone recording this? I've like fucking stopped everything.

She's crying because she's meant to be sucking his dick and somebody else is. She's like, I don't know what to do. this? I've like fucking Stopped everything Just crying Because she's meant to be Sucking his dick And somebody else is And I just started Like fucking mimicking I'm meant to be Sucking his dick

And all Well I'm meant to be Sucking his dick And all I tease her For fucking years man Like if I still saw her now Which occasionally I do

Because we're still Some same friends right Like when Bro's got married she was there I fucking teased her about it then when I got in and I'm like I'm going to be

stuck in Coles what are you fearing what are you fearing memories what about that you're a father we've got another plug

no I'm not even going to be doing my twitch this week because I'm moving ho'm not even going to be Doing my Twitch this week Because I'm moving hoose I'm going to be painting walls Taking names So yeah Out of plug

But we'll This will come up on Monday When I'm on my week off And then we'll be I'll be I'll drive back through here The Monday after Your dad's toes have names

But he only knows the name of seven of them because two are shy and he won't even talk about his left foot toe not interested don't even bring it up nah

nah don't bother not even when he stubs it whenever he stubs his left toe you go you alright and he goes

who it's because he used to call it this little piggy and then you ended up going out with that your dad's got mascara all over his lips from kissing melo mccabe kissing his eyes no he puts the pin to his face on that makes sense sorry i thought you're talking about melo no troy hawk

didn't put it on it was all over your dad's lips I saw him kissing him I saw him didn't put two and two together your dad won't drink his beer unless I pretend

to drink it first and go ooh yummy what a delicious beer for big strong boys there's no way Kev would possibly

finish this whole drink he went I will I bloody will you watch this takes him about three hours belching through it when I told your dad

you swallowed oysters holy thought I meant the shell as well and he nearly choked to death your dad uses a different finger each day to finger your mum and he knows what day of the week is by smelling his fingers.

Oh, Sunday. Oh, this one's matured by four days. This one smells like shit. Wednesday. Hump day. Your dad ate me off without consent. He strung us a bear and I'm traumatised Your dad's got shin implants Or shin plants as he calls them

You got shin plants You got them done just so you could Crack that joke I did Real big commit to the bit Aye Gotta respect it Your dad's glasses Steamed up when he

Opened the dishwasher And it was the Highlight of his day We won't even Shut up about it Your dad won't buy Your dad won't buy A toilet from a store

Until they let him Shit in it Same rule for cars And sex workers Your dad moonlights As a one-to-one teacher And unwittingly until they let him shit in it. Same rule for cars and sex workers. Your dad moonlights as a one-to-one teacher and unwittingly tells people that he does kiddie fiddle work for a bit of extra cash.

Let them play the pink oboe, if you know what I mean. Oh my, that's that. Right. We got that out of the way, didn't we? Aye, we did. All we need to get out of the way Didn't we Aye we did All we need to get out of the way Now is the intro

Have you decided What you're going to do yet For the intro Right let's What I'm going to cut that out Don't I'm going to edit that out

Why Because it's It's nasty Yeah well What's the You know what These Aye that's what I was going to get thee

These are cowards After cowards That can't handle Shit like that Oh they're there Just whiting everywhere mate They're there Stomachs churning

Going oh my goodness Clutching their pearls And crawling into Their fading couches Aye pup Having nightmares And all that It's going to fucking

You know Hit the bottle Fucking absolute Cowards and pussies The Lord of them Gandhi and intro For the cunts