Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.5 Jammy Pockets

Episode Date: October 16, 2016

As soon as we do an itinerary of our Jammy and Gownie pockets we get down to doing your horoscopes, the future is looking bleak for you, especially if you're a Capricorn. Cream has a shocking confession for Jean. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Let's fucking hope I did a test.

Well. We're recording now. It's turned on. It should be turned on, but make some noise. Yep. Yep, see, as always, a fucking very interesting and insightful look into how all of our podcasts start. Still teething. Still are.

We've just peeled ourselves away from the PlayStation VR headset. Oh, God, yeah. Which is fucking incredible. Like, normally with these sort of things, like, we used to, when the Xbox Kinect came out, I got it, and it was, like, fun for, like, a couple of hours, had some good features, but this does not seem like this is going to get old.

Oh, man, when I put it on, because you put it on first, and you can see, like, the screen in front of you, and that's the options, and that's going around, but when the game starts, and it on, because you put it on first and you can see the screen in front of you and that's the options and that's going around. But when the game starts and it immerses you and it becomes all around you and you look over your left shoulder and the VR world's there and over your right shoulder, I was looking around

and I was in that zone thinking this is what I've always wanted. Oh yeah, it was technology I genuinely did not think would exist, I think, because it was just too fan fiction when I was a kid yeah but it's always been around

it's always been in my head that VR's a thing next step and it took us until 33 jetpacks jetpacks

man I'm losing the will to get a jetpack I've wanted them all my fucking life and now I'm at the age now where I'm probably just watching the kids

playing on it just you on your trampoline back in my day this was the closest we came to the jetpack. We had a pogo stick. Just you on a trampoline with two aerosol cans. Empty ones

because I used them all in the first five minutes. I sniffed them to get the feeling of it. I used to go around on my bike with a plastic bottle in to make it sound like a motorbike, when a motorbike had been invented. I mean, that also insinuated I did it as an adult that could have gotten a motorbike license.

I remember because I did that, you stick a can in, it didn't even sound like a motorbike, it just sounded like a fucked bike. Oh man, what size engine is that? It's from a fucking

fisherman's boat from the 1960s that I've not oiled in seven years sparing on

one cylinder but I mean I look cool though what did you call backies where you were from

backer a backer backy that's when someone else goes on the back of your bike

backy is where someone gives you some rolly that's also backy a backer to me just sounds here's a middle class That's when someone else goes on the back of your bike. Back is where someone gives you some fire with a rollie. That's also back. A backer to me just sounds... If someone said give us a backer, I'd give them...

If you said to me give me a backer, I would assume that you were just doing a Kickstarter campaign and you needed more backers. Give me a backer. Yeah. So, did I ever tell you when Gav fell off his bike? No. Gav's your brother Gav fell off his bike no

Gav's your brother when Gav fell off his bike because he was going down a big hairpin in the woods right he was on a bike ride with my dad

and remember I don't know you might not be able to remember but you used to be able to get the reflectors from the Kellogg's Corn Flakes that you put on your

wheel so it's a reflector but when it's spinning on the wheel it makes like a spinning disc of light where your wheel is and my brother touched it

with his foot oh I hate the pavement there's a lesson you learn the hard way man that is like the worst thing about that is that it's totally something I could have imagined myself

doing when I was seven just oh I'm going to kick the lake that is also and I don't want to be sexist I bet if you get out of the stats

of people that have done it 97% men oh yeah there's this yeah I didn't want to be sexist and then just to disclaim that you're sexist towards men oh aye

aye sexism both works works both ways apparently according to a blog I read well that's like your Ofcom thing from episode 2 about racism doesn't work both ways

yeah racism well yeah I do like I think people assume racism works both ways because they hear the language and you go yeah the language but I don't know

like actual can you be that sexist of men I know you can try give it a go well this is what we were talking about the other day with uh with our flatmate gene so who is a girl who is a girl who has like a vagina and stuff and uh if you don't know what girl was i don't know how long young you are um she was complaining

because she's just got back from like a month in bali and uh she's back at her job but she obviously she wants to come to join uh as an australia for a bit so she's trying to save up some money and she was complaining that she didn't know if she was going to have time at her job, but she obviously, she wants to come to join as an Australia for a bit, so she's trying to save up some money, and she was complaining that she didn't know if she was going to have time with her job to do that, and then we came up with the, and again, this is, basically, there are people online

that if you are a girl, and you sell your underwear online after wearing them in a jog, you can sell your pads for, I imagine, up to about 50 35 dollars for a pair of worn knickers and like that is we could do this is let's start getting to fucking sexism reverse sexism biopsy i reckon that's a purely man i would be doing this podcast on a cross trainer if i fought for a second someone would buy me drawers. I'd deliver them with them

on and take them off in front of them just so they didn't think I'd just sold them a dummy. Just got a pair of boxes out of the packet and rubbed them in the mud. You've just been scared. I feel like I don't get the perversion and I do

think if you're the type of person buying someone else's underwear online, go see a fucking psychiatrist. Show them what you've got. Psychiatrist, have you seen these? For me? Thanks mate. Oh yeah, cool.

You're the best John. Your next session's free. Well, paid for. Yeah, paid for. Paid forward. I just, there are some sexual perversions where I can be like,

you know what, that's your fucking fetish. Like feet, I don't get the feet fetish, but the feet are your thing. The more men, like, on you goes. Right. But if your fetish is buying and smelling women's underwear, you are a predator. Like, I'm not, I'm not, that's not a fetish.

That's a... So where do you think they're one from? It's just the known that someone wore it. Is there anyone that virgin-y? Yeah. Do you not think it's a kind of, like, not someone wore it. Is there anyone that virgin-y? Yeah. Do you not think it's a kind of, like, not a predatory thing, just a really virgin-y thing?

Like, you're occasionally near girls' knickers. These guys, it's the fucking unknown to them. I think it's a mixture of both. I'm saying more predator, like that. That's what psychopaths do. They enjoy the smell of things. Like, it's literally predator. You're smelling the smell of things Like it's literally predatory You're smelling the pheromones

Like I love me own girlfriend I don't think I'd smell her knickers Well that's not true Since I have a picture of you Wearing your girlfriend's knickers on your head Pretending to be Ben from Batman That was me smelling them for perversion That was me putting them on

To make my mates laugh on WhatsApp Are you trying to tell me afterwards you didn't They cost 35 quid I don't even know Got them in the post for a cracker joke perversion. Let me put them on and make my mates laugh on WhatsApp. Are you trying to tell me afterwards you didn't? Make-ups £35. I've already been heard. Got them in the post for a crack at joke. Are you telling me that for ten minutes after the photo was taken you weren't masturbating as Ben being like

no. I mean I was having a breathing night. I can see why you jumped to conclusions and that's what I was doing. Once my penis is in your gash only then do you have my permission to come that was more Ian McKellen than Ben so Gene was sort of against this idea and I can see why because it's creepy and it's weird

but then also you're only taking money from perverts yeah take the money if they're stupid and creepy enough they're not going to make a voodoo doll and if they're stupid and creepy enough like they're not going to make a voodoo doll and if they do

it's not going to work probably just going to finger it you're all going to have a good time oh I choose that yeah that too

I cannot understand why women don't do it but this is just from a purely guy perspective you're like man if it was the other way around

do you reckon there's a market for men no women aren't there nobody wants nobody wants pants with skid marks on them nah like

I think it's the difference the difference between a girl wearing them like in your head like I think they're wearing like skimpy underwear and it's sort of sexy and they've just been

on their feet all day and you just it may be the natural if you're buying guys boxers those are like fucking like boxer briefs

riding up after 20 minutes on the fucking bike at the gym put it against your cheek it's still wet off his nuts

and that's piss and I smell it yeah because it goes from piss to gooch sweat to ass

it's like the Neapolitan sandwich start your bidding start your to Gooch Sweat to ask it's like the Neapolitan sandwich start yapping start yapping maybe maybe that'll be maybe that'll be

the second we sell after we get the trolley token sorted which by the way if we get custom made

muggins and creams muggins and creams muggins and creams trolley token I guarantee those things fucking are flying off the shelves

be ready be ready to buy a second house we've got to be able to put I am a fucking muggle on them no I think one side my face smiling and on the other side good choice smart choice just to remind you no matter

who's sitting there and maybe just like like a smug face on some of them so when you're there and someone's like I don't have a pound you can just be like should have listened to Muggins oh cream Muggins was against this actually Freudian

Freudian's clit Freudian's clit did we have anything else to I wanted to talk about because this leads to something better

so we've been on tour for a couple of weeks now and we're starting to like little things are getting annoying now something happened, I lost the headphone auxiliary cable for my headphones and I keep them in this like pack of cables

where I keep my charger in my battery pack and it wasn't in there. Now, you literally lose everything. Yes. Right, and not in like, or occasionally, you stand up, you go,

where's my thing, where's my thing? And me and Gene don't move because it's been five years of living with you and we know it's in your pocket you just haven't double checked yet and you'll walk around the house you come and be like and you'll blame us you want and we just don't do it the other day you were meant to be dropping your girlfriend off at the train station you're like i'm off to drop natalie off went outside got in the car and then came back in

because natalie wasn't there oh you forgot your girlfriend I didn't drop her off come back oops I forgot me Natalie so I didn't blame you for losing my auxiliary cable even though in my head I knew it was you because you keep

just going into my box of cables leaving it open just strewn across the backstage area and I'm like putting it back in and you're just so

reckless with it because it's not your own and then I was just there going oh take out gently I just leave the wires in other places what's just... Well, take out gently. I just leave the wires at other places. What's annoying is this isn't just like an auxiliary cable that I can replace

for a couple of quid. It's the special one that comes with my headphones. So it's got like... It's the money scammer one. The money scammer one that only fits with my headphones. They could have made it fit. They could have made it fit both.

It's like all the fucking iPhone chargers. Like, you could have made it fit the other one. You could make it a USB. And if you could make it without a fucking aux cord I know you can make it with one let's just get along guys Apple Samsung hold hands sing Kumbaya

make the same fucking adapter make a fucking auxiliary cable a jackless fucking bomb so this unique jack I was fucking sure that it was that you'd left it somewhere and I was fucking sure that it was Sloss that he'd left it somewhere. And I was so sure that I still

I mean, I was so unsure. Even though I was 99% sure, I still had the doubt in myself that I didn't bring it up with you. And rightfully so, because you didn't bring it up. But I stewed. I stewed and I blamed you. And then the other morning, like three days later, I get out of bed, put my hand in my pyjama pockets.

Who uses their pyjama pockets? They're not there for anything. You put stuff in your pockets and go to bed. I've got the bed, got my stuff, got my phone wallet keys, lint roller. I had just a couple of tabs some chucky for midnight

so I just had all my provisions my wallet passport driver's license my buggy my buggy gack it's just on the inside pocket so what was in there

I was just like I had to tell you that I'd been blaming you for three days but then you told a story to me just like, I had to tell you that, I've been blaming you for three days. But then you told a story to me afterwards, which I want you to tell now. So, as we've discussed many times in this book, our flatmate Jean has been my best friend for about seven, probably the same amount of time I've been best friends with you. You're both competing for my love.

I'm winning. Time saved. Yeah, you serve more time on the tour, but she has to deal with me. You have to deal with me on love. I'm winning. Time saved. Yeah, you serve more time than the tour, but she has to deal with me. You have to deal with me on tour when I'm hungover. She has to just deal with me being weird. She deals with your texts when you're annoyed with me. Just me bitching off to the sides.

So we've lived together for seven years. We're essentially like a married couple in that we don't have sex anymore, but love each other. I just state it. We still love each other because it's cheaper to do that way um and uh the other day i was in bed oh no the other day for this podcast because we write some of the jokes out for the your dad stuff we don't have any pens in this house i took one from jean's room while she was at work and put it in my jacket pocket and then went to bed much later on and then jean came back in the

morning she woke me up at like 9am texted me being like I know you've taken my pen where's my pen I need my pen and I'm like it's in my jacket pocket

is it like a Mont Blanc or something no it's just there's very few pens in this house like we've got literally the only two in this room and she's

I'm like it's in my jacket pocket she's like I can't find it I'm like there's a hole in my jacket pocket check the fucking lining and she goes in she checks

she's a tech I'm like if I have to get out of my fucking bed and she fucking lining. And she goes in. She checks. She's a tech. I'm like, if I have to get out of bed. And she doesn't look for things. She needs to sort of, if it doesn't work immediately or if it's not immediately there, it doesn't exist in the world or the thing's broken. There's no second chances. Right? And so I'm just, if I have to fucking get out of bed, bitch, I'm like, I'm going to

be mad. And she's like, I promise you. And I get out and I'm angry and I put on my fucking bathrobe and I could feel the pen in my pocket. Who uses the bathrobe pocket? I didn't know that. I thought it was just behind your bed or something. It was in your bathrobe pocket.

It's no wonder you can't find anything in this house. By the way, I think... Your bathrobe pocket or my pyjama pocket. I know we've written Muggle Cornhole already, but I think Muggles put stuff in their jammy pockets. Or it's something your dad definitely does so I can feel it, but the thing is I've made such a point about being angry

and her, I can't lose that streak because then we're even so I go upstairs and I palm the pen in my hand and I go into my jacket pocket and I sneak inside and I pull it out, I'm like, see? didn't even go, like it was like see? and then stormed off

back to bed and then felt really guilty when she sent me an apology text and I haven't told her so this could be how she finds out yeah

if we don't tell her this before she listens to the podcast she's not even listened to the first episode yet she's waiting for us to leave isn't she she doesn't want to

listen to our banter when she can just take her headphones out and she can just sit in the living room because I'll be honest with you folks we're slinging gold on the fucking regs yeah this is just as we just turned

mics on this was a bounce we were having anyway it's actually sometimes we shed a tear that you've missed it i devastated lying there crying what we're saying is if there's anyone there that wants to give us a reality tv show hashtag mugging to cream Mugsy cream so this makes me think though no but no no no no no no no no right so

you found my auxiliary cable this is just a suggestion you found it in your in your robe pocket it went oh god

I know this is the only one for Kai's headphones and I know he's very precious about it maybe I should go and sneak it into his pyjamas while he sleeps

and he sneaked into my room you climbed another duvet you didn't even need to do that you could have peeled it back

you could have peeled the duvet back Daniel but you climbed in you climbed in I started playing with your dick so you thought

it was Natalie I would have been shocked just be like someone's touching my dick there's losses in the room

what I didn't instigate this but if that was your game was always doing that to me that means you've got great commitment

to it that you do it like nine ten times a day and like when I'm away from you and in another country you fly over and lose my stuff in other countries for me your commitment's second to none You do it like nine, ten times a day. And when I'm away from you and in another country,

you fly over and lose my stuff in other countries for me. Your commitment's second to none. I don't know how you do it. Right, shall we go into Muggle Corner? Yes. Okay, so for those anytime new listeners, why the fuck are you starting episode six, dumbass? It's not a running theme.

All you need to know is Daniel has a trolley token. That's the only thing that, I guess, gets repeated. I don't understand why, though. It's a sensible... Are you a fucking muggle? It's not a muggle thing at all. Anyway, to explain, each time we sort of get to Dead Air, because we can only chat to a bit before there's Dead Air, we have games that we play every week. They sort of change up each week, depending on the feedback for each.

Like, if you like a game, we'll play that more. If you don't like a game, we'll probably not bring it back. This week's games are Muggle Corner a game we'll play that more if you don't like a game we'll probably not bring it back this week's games are muggle corner which we'll play first and then after that we're going to play horoscopes which is where me and kai have come up with fake horoscopes uh for you and ours are as accurate as actual horoscopes yeah because we also guessed yeah we also guessed and made it up based on fucking nothing. And then our favourite game, Your Dad Jokes, where me and Kai spend ten rounds insulting each other's dads for stupid things our dads do.

So we'll start off with Muggle's Corner. And again, if you don't know what this is, basically a muggle is a derogatory term, a non-derogatory term in the wizarding world of Harry Potter for a non-magic person. But me and Kai use it to describe, not everyone, but I think everyone is capable of muggle things, but it's basically if you're just plain, if you're the

fucking ready, solid of people. Look at you, you've got odd socks on. What are you doing with odd socks on? You look a bloody clip. Shut up, you muggle. For fucking, I'd put one sock on and not wear the other sock on. What the fuck, stop being a muggle. Muggles are the sort of people that if you drop a penny

will pick up and give it back to you. It's a fucking penny. If you pick it up the rest of the day you'll have good luck. That's what muggles do. You might have done these things. These are some mega muggles but we're just saying things that if you do it for once in your life you've been a bit guilty of mugglery.

And if you are guilty of mugglery for every muggle sin you are guilty of you must get up and stand in the corner for 30 seconds per muggle thing you do. So you can stand up for maximum three minutes, minimum zero, if you're a fucking legend. There's muggles in one corner and smuggles out of the corner.

Yeah. Smuggles in the center of the room with muggins. I'll go first for Muggles Corner. Muggles leave amazon reviews yeah and i don't mean like if you've got a particularly bad fucking thing right and you're like this is folly this is a fake account this is a scam fine absolutely but if you're leaving three or four star review for things like this toaster was not up to my expectations. It initially said four slices on the thing. But the thing I've noticed

is like one of the turning knobs, you can do it for each side. Why would I want to set my toast at different temperatures? My wife kind of likes it because I like mine a bit crispier than hers. She likes that bit of thing because that way the butter melts more. But I just think sometimes I want four bits of toast and I just want it to be the same thing. And I'm not a fucking, I'm not a locksmith.

I can't turn it. it's not like a little bank thing you just have to keep turning it one to the left two to the right three stars send

yeah like why did you waste a day on that however it is like say I went for a nice steak in a new place

in Blythe the other day brand new place open I was like oh I might leave this to Truckman Advisor because it would be

nice to draw some traffic to them like I'm very grateful of the people that put stars on our podcast because people that are scrolling through will see the stars. Because that's an up-and-coming thing, yeah.

So, again, I will offer a leeway for that. Like, if it's an up-and-coming thing, like a restaurant or... Even though I hate comedy reviews, but if it's a good review for a new act, I'm all for that because I'm like, this is good because that gives them quotes and stuff. Same thing restaurants it builds it up gives it a reputation but if you're if you're fucking reviewing pizza express or if the if you if you've left like a fucking playstation 4 review

yeah on amazon because it's like as if you're gonna have any sway on anyone and it's also the fake punch bag it's to stop them doing anything actual practical about what happened. It's not a proper letter of complaint to the manager. It's not like, oh, the way I got trapped was unacceptable. It's just like they've put it up as the system so you can go and just punch it out online. Get it out of your system. You haven't really affected anything. Instead of doing Amazon reviews, just go outside and shout it.

You can have the exact same fucking effect. I don't like the new fridge I bought because it keeps the strawberries too cold all right thanks darren won't buy that one i showed bosh yeah whoa it's also like the amount of effort to go into doing it like it's not like an easy the people that you've got two choices when leaving an amazon review you can either right leave a really thought out one in which case you're a fucking nerd you're a muggle but that means you've spell checked it you've got to go through it because you can either leave a really thought out one, in which case you're a fucking nerd, you're a muggle, but that means you've spell checked it. You've got to go through it because you can't leave mistakes on it.

Otherwise, you're the type of person that's leaving spelling mistakes in fucking reviews. You either want people to respect you or you're just shouting at the internet. This could be a good game, actually. We could make it as part of a feature for the show is reviewing stuff on Amazon that we've got. Oh, why?

Read the reviews out. Oh, read, why? Read the reviews out. Oh, read the reviews. Read the reviews. Like, we put them on as a joke. I think it might be worth doing if you're being the parody

of the muggle. So, if you're doing it as a joke, if you're going on and leaving joking reviews. I do think there is also the one, not the one other one,

but there is another, there are some very, very funny Amazon reviews out there that have already been used. We could, I guess we could maybe leave that. So, I think if you're voting

like one fuck yeah you just screwed us over I had the worst birthday ever if you're leaving one or five if you're leaving five this is an up and coming thing

do your thing but if you're putting like a really long photo drawn out review over a three star or four star whatever you're not helping anyone

you're not doing anything for you like yeah step aside it's a fucking book website you're reviewing books you know there are magazines that review

those are what people are reading People are reading What the fucking experts Are thinking about a book Not fucking Terry From Winchester Being like I didn't like

Of Mice and Men Because I found The lead character Suddenly became relatable But then unrelatable And I did not understand The turmoil that I Had been put through

Also too short And not suitable for kids Would not read again Three stars Would not read again I rarely stars. Would not read again. I rarely read a book a second time. I think I've done it once. Oh, I've read Harry Potter three times. But even if I read the best

ever book, I'll not be like fuck, can't we get started on that again? I'm already... It's like I reckon half a decade to go by before I'd even go, oh I remember that one was good, I can't remember what happened. I left a full decade before I read Harry Potter again, but after rereading it a second time I'm definitely

going to be reading it within half a fucking decade just because every time you go through it once you know the full story

on the second time reading it I was like oh my god bitch knew what she was doing there's so many under layers

yeah now you mention that if there's reveals and twists and turns it'll be a different book the second time you realise how smart it sort of was

because she did know what she was doing yeah like watching Fight Club for a second It'll be a different book the second time around. And then you go back, you realise how smart it sort of was because she did know what she was doing. Yeah, like watching Fight Club for a second time. Exactly. Or like watching Warrior for the second time. Because I've watched Warrior

three times a fucking year. It's one of my favourite movies. Each time there's just another fucking layer and layer. Well, here, Dogma. How the fuck have we not seen that? How the fuck have we missed Dogma? Why didn't you cunts

tell us how good Dogma was? We watched Dogma for the first time three days ago, courtesy of Gene, who was astonished that we hadn't seen it. And then we watched it and goes, how have we gotten the sense of humour that we have without being influenced by this? Because it was, I felt like one film had just bottled what I find funny. Yeah.

We're saying, watch it. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, already impressed. Then fucking George Carlin. Chris Rock. Jane Silent Bob who I'd never give the time of day I've always knew

the existence I've always been on the periphery of what I'm into and I know that they're I don't know what they are and then I watch them and I'm just like

I want to see everything that they've ever done there are nerds at home and when I say nerds I don't mean that in a derogatory way but you know what type of nerds you are

you movie buffs those ones who are devastated that we've not it's annoying like my dad when I told my dad I didn't see Dogma today but you know what type of nerds you are. You're movie buffs, those ones, who are devastated that we've not seen... It's annoying. Like my dad. When I told my dad I didn't see Dogma today,

he almost disbanded me as a fucking... He was like, because I'm his son. I want to watch that film until I know the script. Oh. And also, if you haven't seen Dogma, I would strongly recommend it. Very funny.

Four stars. So we agree. Leaving Amazon reviews between two and four star review online you're a fucking muggle yep help the cause i cripple it no don't be a muggle don't be a muggle all right um being annoyed at a late phone call to the house phone when you're actually still awake. Oh. You know when you go, oh, this better be important. You get it? It's just like, your buddy or whatever,

what the fuck's he ringing at 10 o'clock at bloody night? The street lights are on. See, anyway, I think that, I absolutely agree that it's a muggle thing, but I reckon I've not

experienced that as much. Because my mum's phone rings all the time because her office is at home and she's got an international job, so she would never be annoyed at a late phone call because it might have been China. Somebody died. Probably Danny wants to pick up. Probably wants to score some weed. That is the thing though, me and your girlfriend Natalie have a fear that whenever one of us

phones each other, because me and your girlfriend are friends, but we just text, to the point where we're phoning each other, it's because the other one immediately assumes that you're dead. Anytime I've phoned her, she's sat looking at the phone for five seconds being like, oh, Kai's dead. And anytime she's phoned me, I've masturbated for five seconds

thinking Kai's going to be dead. Before shattering your dreams and saying, no, I've just lost something and I want to know where it is so I remember when we were in Pamplona and I broke my I broke my phone

yeah and my phone just malfunctioned and broke and then I says I'll text Natalie and let her know my phone's fucked no that was

it was in Benidorm yeah in Benidorm it was in Benidorm you text Natalie saying Kai got drunk last night and threw his phone into the sea and I couldn't reply

to her and it's been like I mean it's just broke I'm not a but the thing was she totally believed you'd done it I know

because it's me right but I hadn't so like and then and then the next day I fell asleep on the beach because I lost you guys

and I didn't know the way back to the hotel and I woke up on the beach fucking sunburned and my I didn't know the way back to the hotel and I woke up on the beach fucking sunburned and my watch had been stolen off my body and then you had to text us because I didn't have my phone

and I'd lost my watch and she was totally also threw it in the sea remind him he's 31 fuck sometimes you see when other people are cunts it's not funny

you see when I'm being a cunt fuck me it's funny god what a bag of fun I am, you see when other people are cunts, it's not funny. You see when I'm being a cunt, fuck me, it's funny. God, what a bag of fun I am. Oh, you're the worst. Anyway, so you're saying... I'm saying if you get annoyed by the house phone, I think that's the same as you kind of get set in your ways, you've got your own chair, if anyone sits on it, you get annoyed.

Like someone's parked, obviously, at a house, and you're like, who's that parked there? They don't normally park there. The minute your routine is so locked in that like 10-15 loses your shit

snap out of it brother okay I will I agree with you but then are you willing to because I've got a problem thing I hate about fucking phones

see when people don't answer the house phone like sometimes I'm having a shit or I'm in the shower and I can hear the phone ringing and when you live with me I can hear you not going for it and hear gene constantly not going for it and that's and they're always going yeah but it's normally telemarketers and you go yeah

yeah but sometimes it's not and those are the call could you just for three seconds listen yeah it's five seconds of your life where you go hello sometimes you did no sometimes you did when that annoys me At my parents house When my mum and dad Let it ring out But they'll actually check And see the call out ID

But even then I'd pick it up And hang it up Yeah Before it was just ringing Just pick it up Like if someone's phoning you People go

It's always telemarketing If you put a mic Fuckin' not Maybe Babestation Phone him back Ask him where I've been He's kind Does he mean

reversing the charges what's he wearing jammies what's he got in his pockets what do you need yeah I'll give you that like if you if you get annoyed

by a late phone call it's the being annoyed by it it's the fact that anyone who's got that low fucking temper is quite a muggly thing like

oh at this time the kids are asleep at 7pm and your kids are 17 like it is the fact that anyone who's got that low fucking temper is quite a muggly thing like oh at this time the kids are asleep at 7pm and your kids are 17 like unplug your phone or whatever

just fucking you got a mobile put it on silent unplug your house phone do that that's it so if you've done that get in the corner

for up to a minute muggles wear funny shirts oh yeah and this is really hard for me Because I used to I absolutely And I will stand in the corner for this When I was in my teens

Bought funny shirts all the time Wore them Thought they were hilarious What about like Do them t-shirts come where it's like Popeye's body And it's got a neck And then you're his head

Like that sort of stuff I mean like with jokes Some funny t-shirts are quite good Yeah okay With jokes on them Like I do my own stunts his head oh like that sort of stuff i mean like with some funny t-shirts are quite good yeah okay with jokes on them like i do my own stunts or oh like it's the upside down fine if found please put back up on the bar i'm with stupid i wish i pointed at your penis yeah just uh yeah the man the legend arrow point down to your day any level and i will stand in the corner i used to have a i do my own stunts i used to love funny t-shirts my level, and I will stand in the corner, I used to have a, I do it on my shirt, on a shirt stance,

I used to love funny t-shirts. My only defence, and I will still stand in the corner for this, is because when I was, just before I started stand up, and I really didn't, I wasn't just showing the form of the jokes, I was really,

I googled them because I was just, I wanted jokes, I wanted, did you get it? You like the joke, you like carrying a joke around with you. Yeah. But like once you've worn it,

for a few people, you're wearing a hack joke that you've told a million times with everyone that's seen it. It's essentially having a catchphrase that you don't have the balls to say out loud because you know no one will fucking laugh. Also, in that category,

laughing at funny shirts. You're as guilty as the other cunt because you're the same market, apparently. That's who it's for. Just find each other. Kids, if you did it under the age of 15, fine. Are you just trying to disclaim by yourself? No, I said 16, so I will still do it.

But you're just moving the line close. But you look 16, Your Honour. Sometimes I do still wear funny t-shirts, but only because I get fucking bought them for Christmas and I wear them as jammies. Because jammies I'm never wearing outside. And you've got all your dinosaur t-shirts but only because I get fucking bought them for Christmas and I wear them as jammies if I'm not like because jammies I'm never wearing outside and you've got all

your dinosaur t-shirts from having a pet dinosaur and everyone buying your dinosaur merch so this is a very similar muggle corner on the same lines as jokey shot glasses

where it's like I'm a nobody nobody's perfect oh are you doing this after we went to Ricketts' house and he had one I wrote that one down

I like my drinks on ice and my women on fire. On a shot glass. This is me and my identity. This is what I like. What does that mean? Because I took that as an abusive joke towards women. Burn them. Yeah, that's what I took it as.

That's like a shot glass your friend buys you after you've just been dumped. And they're like, oh, come on, mate, we'll come on mate we'll go tonight And it's oh I like my It's like it would have worked as a pun if they went I like my drinks cold and my women hot I like my drinks on ice and my women on fire Oh no she's dead At least I've got a cold drink Who says on fire

That girl is on fire That girl is on fire My sex is on fire That girl is on fire My sex is on fire That was Kasey Lewis Who was the first one? My texts have expired Shut up cunt

Yeah funny shot glasses fall absolutely into the same category And they do A muggle doth make Here's one that I think you're going to debate, but you'll have to listen to my logic. Muggles play tennis. Go on. Right.

Again, if we're talking about staying in shape and stuff, you do what you've got to do. But if you're going to do sports to stay in shape, do the bigger ones. Even squash falls into it. We'll get on to that. Squash is fun. It's just, you as one person, it's just you're a competitive person.

You're a competitive person, but you're not willing to play as part of a team. So you play tennis against Janice from The Office, because you know you can spike a ball off her fucking mole on her neck. I always find that very funny about individual sports, is that when the win, it's like,

I've scored a few goals, important ones, I've been in a team that's won an important game and they're running up to each other and cuddling but you know

if you do the like your ace a serve yeah me oh you look like oh me woo god this guy everyone

look at me here you are what's got two thumbs and just aced that bitch hoorah however fucking love the fighting. And I think this is because

any other sport, one-on-one, can get so competitive. Oh, you mean UFC? I love the UFC. Yeah. So, I think any sport can get so heated it breaks out in a fight, but no fight's gonna get so heated it breaks out in another sport. No UFC fight's broke out in a game of tennis. Yeah, with Nate Diaz and

Conor McGregor having the showdown, no pun. Right, oh, we're going to sell this before Saturday. We can sell this before Saturday. And they both just get out their squash glasses and put them on, go into a room off the site. So if people are playing tennis, you go, yeah, yeah, but who's really the best? Yeah.

They put the rackets down, get rid of that net, find out who's really the best. I just, I think solo sport, fine. Like if you're running solo exercise is fine on a bike

I'm going to defend tennis I've tried to play it like we may oh like I enjoyed playing it I was so bad

I was so bad so that means that to go from being that bad to being adequate must be very rewarding to be able to then get a rally going so you go from oh i'm crap at this i'm just gonna just write it off as things i don't like

but if you could breach that and become good at it then i think you're gonna get something from it yeah and maybe now that i think about it maybe like playing it with someone else can i if your friend's not a competitive cunt and you are just yeah maybe maybe i put myself too much into that because i know i know i'm a i'm a sore loser but i'm a much sorer winner like i'm okay i think tennis you're good if you like your tennis you're all right you haven't muggled up there okay tennis is not muggly i mean i apologize i mean you look like a prick while your wristband's on and whatnot your headband i mean don't let it take away from that you look like a bit of a moment with your full fucking but you're not a

with your full fucking uniform you're not a muggle though I'm just probably going to look twice at you when you walk through Asda

afterwards with your fucking coconut water you pillock coconut water almond milk wasabi peas I think this is

a very muggly thing to do like after an event's happened someone picked me up and gone, where was my invite? Like, nothing makes me skin crawl more. Because, like, you're in two positions here.

One, look, mate, I'm not just going to fucking invite everyone in the periphery of my friends group or invite the 300. Like, now I'm on a night with 300 people because they all said yes. I'm probably just going to put it out there that I'm going to do a thing.

People can come along if they want, right? Don't fucking make it as like, crow at the door, please, will you come? Fuck you. Or, or, you might not have been invited. And now we talk, what? Yeah, if you're not comfortable to just turn up,

you weren't invited for a fucking reason. Like, that's a degree of loneliness. Because I've got that fear now when it's because a lot of our friends are jumping off and getting married and stuff. And it's always that thing of like, am I going to get an invite to this? And now where will it be? So Ali, one of my oldest friends in the world, his brother Duncan

two years younger than him is getting married and I've known Duncan since we were teenagers but over the past five years not seen him as much seen him about once a year know his fiance very well, love the pair of them a lot, really get on with them but just I only see them once a year and I'm like

am I going to get a fucking invite to this because i'm gonna be awkward so i want to send them congratulations because if i'm not invited i want to say congratulations because i like they're a perfect couple and i want them to know that i'm very happy for them but that also just feels like a where was my invite like if i'm like hope you have a great day sorry i couldn't be there wasn't invited yeah yeah I've never really had that like kind of

that feeling of like oh I'm not invited there because even if I get that feeling I'll just go I'll not go then if I feel like I'm not invited somewhere then I'll just not go to it I don't want to go

if I feel like I'm not invited yeah if I'm not wanted I don't want to be there like you've got to be a real sort of spiteful person be like oh they don't want me there I'll go shut up cunt I don't oh they don't want me there I'll go

I don't think I'd misjudge it enough To be somewhere I wasn't invited But I would invite myself along on things Knowing that it's cool for us to be there Yeah Just do a little bit of self reflection Find it where you are It's like guilt grovelling

You've made your problem someone else's. Maybe that fun we used to have, just get other friends. Maybe it's what lonely people do. Maybe we're just being in a privileged position because we've just fucking got loads of friends because we've got cracking bands.

To be fair, to finish off by the way, Duncan and Amanda did invite me to the railing so did kessel station another couple i was worried about and then i couldn't go to both because i was on tour so i don't know why i give a shit like i've got a good goal but i can never go to these fucking things do you think the b wears me invite this muggle corner i do try and avoid doing it yeah but i also i don, I really don't believe, that is muggly, but I do think it's one of the muggle things

that nobody that listens to this podcast has done. Because we haven't invited them to listen to it? Yeah. They're going, where's my invite list? I saw you shared it on your wall, but where's my actual inbox? You just got,

yeah, send me a link, get me to follow you on iTunes, ask me first. Oh, by the way, also go on Twitter, I'll follow back.

I fucking bet you do. I got your invite, I can't, you crush, sorry, I didn't reply. Alright, I poked you the other day, you didn't seem to poke me back. I fucking bet you do. I got your invite on Candy Crush. Sorry, I didn't reply. All right. I poked you the other day.

You didn't seem to poke me back. Nobody's poked on Facebook in nine years. Get back in your box. Aye. Go play fucking Bejeweled. Farmville. Mug. I love that one.

Just tail off, teeing off. Teeing off on a tennis player. Teeing off on the... I'll tell you what we are invited to. The fight, you mug. All right. I think that's good for M invited to. The fight you mug. Alright I think that's good for Muggle Corner.

So just to go through those again. So if you are guilty of any of the following six things for each thing you're guilty for stand in a

corner for 30 seconds of reach and we will know you've done it. We will know. Don't ask how but we fucking will. I'll do it for

so leaving Amazon reviews wearing funny shirts and you're three they got through were being annoyed at a late phone call on the house phone jokey shot glasses and where's my invite

yeah I will stand in the corner for 30 seconds for this while we go during this joint break because I

absolutely still do wear funny t-shirts and you should also have an extra 30 seconds for having a trolley token every week no because that did not make it to Muggle Corner.

Muggle Corner, for something to be Muggle Corner, it's got to be unanimously decided. And even on Twitter, it's 50-50. I mean, a couple of

Muggles said they've got one. No. I don't know how that's fighting your corner. A couple of Muggles said they didn't. You know what my Muggles have over your Muggles?

Trollies. Right, we are going to go for a quick joint if you want to join us you can just pause it here and come back with us and let's be high together

but also we do not encourage the use of drugs on this podcast oh no way yes we do we do do that it's our own podcast you can't fire us

it's mandatory in fact yeah do it hey hey if you don't do it I'm going to ring your house phone in about an hour all right say It's our own podcast You can't fire us It's mandatory in fact Yeah Do it Hey Hey If you don't do it I'm going to ring your house phone In about an hour Alright

See you in a sec Bye If your microphone's not on I'm going to cut your throat It's on Talking to the microphone Right it is on Good

We are back Before we go on To our next game Of horoscopes Just to remind you That we are on tour at the moment. We'll give you all the dates, but basically Monday, which is today for you, when this comes out,

we start our European tour where we go to Poland. I'll give all the dates at the end, and then we will be coming back and doing some more UK dates. But if you don't want to do that, and you want to mix the two of Europe and fun, on the 10th? 10th of December. Till the... Christmas comes early christmas does come

very fucking early for a week let's say for a week i think it's the 16th it finishes uh the greatest comedy festival on the fucking planet every week it's the best week of my life it's and this year it's happened twice we're talking about altitude comedy festival and for those of you that do not know it's basically a festival started up by Marcus Brickstock and Andrew Maxwell out in Meyerhofen in Austria

where you can buy tickets online basically you get your flights your accommodation and your ski pass all included and you

oh no we haven't paid for that but basically I think there's packages you can get yeah there's different packages but basically

it's a comedy festival up in the mountains so all of the apres ski so you go do your snowboarding or your skiing if basically, it's a comedy festival up in the mountains. So all of the Alps race ski. So you go do your snowboarding or your skiing if you're a muggle. During the day. In the fucking Alps. In the Alps. And it's just such a glorious mountain range and such an amazing resort.

And there's comedy festivals on from the minute you get off. Even if you get off in the afternoon, they have like the comedy improv chums. Yeah, the improv chums. Steve Frost and everyone do an improv in the afternoon. So if you have an early day You go watch them The Band of Man are there It's just Yeah it's five days

Of snowboarding Skiing Comedy And drinking And every year Is the greatest time of our life And this year They actually did one in January

This year And they've decided to do it In December So they're making it Fucking Christmassy Which I'm now Twice as shitting Because first of all

I love Christmas It's my favourite time of year But to be spending it in the fucking Alps with like Andrew Maxwell Brig Stock Barry Castanola

they've always got superstar headliners the times we've done it Andy Askins is going Barry Castanola fucking one of our besties fucking Abandon Man but they've always got

superstar headliners like we've gigged with John Bishop and Eddie Izzard and stuff over there Jim Jefferies Tim Min Minchin, Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr. Sean Locke. Sean Locke are the names of the headlines over the past couple of years. But intimate gigs too.

These are guys that are playing arenas. And you're just in the middle of the mountains in this intimate gig with these legends of comedy. We're just basically plugging this. We're not even being paid to plug this one. This is something that we're doing, and it's honestly the best image before Christmas. I feel like it's one of life's hidden gems. You know when you tell people,

you're like, I've got a secret for you. One of the best things you can ever do with your life. It's just the funnest fucking goddamn week. And you can actually join us. You can come over, and we know it's before Christmas, but then why not treat yourself or treat your partner to an early fucking Christmas present.

Yeah, if you think how much money you spend on Christmas, on going to different events and on presents, and if you just get your nearest and dearest, you get your family, and just go, all right, let's put the money we would normally spend on stuff that will go to waste, we'll just have the best time we could ever have. Last time, two times, I think it was like four times ago when we went to Altitude, it was me and you and your brother, and we went up one day and we snowboarded. We got up and we'd rolled two joints,

and we smoked them, snowboarded down the mountain a couple of times, and then smoked another one before we went to lunch. And we got up there, and they don't have fucking signal up in the mountains. They didn't have a card reader, they do now. They didn't have a card reader, but they didn't have it three years ago, and we only had 20 euros between us. So we were trying to work out what sandwiches we could get but when we also worked out you could get a three course meal with one glass of mulled wine for 20 euros so we ordered a starter of chicken noodle soup

a main course of spaghetti bolognese and a dessert of strudel and gave each other yeah 30 seconds with each and then you passed the ball to your left. So I'd have like a little bit of starter then a little bit of main a sip of mulled wine and then a little bit of dessert

and then oh it's a starter again. I fucking started off with strudel. It was the I was just sitting there being like I'm eating fucking

ice cream and cream and then I'm on to fucking soup. And you know what I was so stoned it was fucking delicious. And what's really cool as well about just being out in the mountains

is you'll get hammered and you'll get drunk because it's such a good party lifestyle on the base camp. And then because you're so excited to go skiing in the morning, or snowboarding. The hangover's gone. Nothing keeps you in bed.

You look out the window and go, I can't wait to get out there. Grab your shit in the thin air, in the fresh air, and just totally, the hangover's gone. So you can party like a fool and get up early and seize the day. And also, we were... I got so drunk that we were all...

You got sent to bed by your girlfriend. No, we were all in Brett and Mari's room. Yeah. And we were just having a drink in the room. And I ran myself a bath bath and I climbed in the bath right and then I woke up in a cold bath

and the party had finished and everyone had left and everyone had thought I'd say dawn and left and I just woke up like I went full Whitney

I went full Whitney and I just get out of this cold bath and tulled down and I go through and there's Brett and Mary just asleep and just I just skulked out of the cold bath and tell down and I go through and there's Brett and Mary just asleep and just

I just skulked down to the room like a lizard was it their en suite in the hotel bathroom oh my god for two reasons

one you're a fucking idiot in fact three reasons why did you get a bath just fancy that I was on pills

your pills do make you want a bath that is one of those artifacts you don't tell you about you just want like you want sensory input don't you yeah we had a hot bath

when we were in Benidorm when I did the pills I loved the sea it was my favourite thing in the world just fucking walk in wait down until you're

waist deep and just lie down just piss I mean just lie down what he said just lie down and kiss piss yeah and the other one jellyfish goddess lie down just piss I mean just lie down what he said just lie down and kiss and be pissed yeah

and the other one oh jellyfish goddess oh Danny get this jellyfish you don't get jellyfish in this part of the sea this time of year oh my god

look who's been migrating migration part are they swimming these and then they pee on my legs also we work out because this is our third or

fourth you and me for the past couple of years have always been doing our double act at the late shows

where basically you and me get really fucking drunk I guess this is where this all started isn't it the double act

we're doing yeah the double act yeah this podcast stands for the fact that people seem to enjoy us when we shit on each other

and say horrible things in the bedroom I just dirty talk he has to say it in the mirror so I can lip read it no no no

just because you're facing the other way and I don't want you to fucking turn your neck but you might lip read it backwards because it's in the mirror sure probably

you're the one reading my lips I'm the one behind you right no anyway what's happening I feel like I've been

hypothetically raped for no reason well why don't you blow your hypothetical rape whistle no one's coming this rape whistle's broken

I've been in the park for three hours blowing this whistle I'm gonna leave a three star Amazon review for this rape whistle it's not working

I was in the park for ages whistling nothing happened to us we've always done a double act while we've been shit faced Whistling's not working I was in the park for ages Whistling Nothing happened to us We We've always done a double act While we've been shit faced It was last year When you kissed both my mum and dad

Oh so funny Because I was like Talking about how hot his mum is Because his mum is hot She's damn fine And I was talking about How hot she was on stage

And then Danny Was like My mum's in the audience And I was like Oh yeah she is He said that like I was like, oh yeah, she is. He said that like I was going to stop, but I serenaded her, and the whole crowd sung along.

You never close your eyes. All the way up to Leslie, and I lay across the table in a provocative position. You asked my dad's permission first. I looked at Martin, and I said, can I kiss your wife?

And he said yes. He was like, I kissed your mum. And then, later on, So what you're saying is you gave my dad an erection I was just cutting out

the middle man of kissing your dad I mean I was and the middle man of everything middle woman middle woman sexist

and then later on we're doing your dad jokes and you're like my dad's in and I was like yeah he is and then I serenaded your dad

laid down provocatively turned to your mum and went can I kiss your husband and I snogged your dad mate I fucking snogged your dad son Iaded your dad laid down provocatively turned to your mum and went can I kiss your husband then I snogged your dad mate I fucking snogged your dad son

I'm your dad now I'm your other dad it's not like highlight you're two dads and a mum it's like congas

Natalie's your mum now and now every other man in London is your dad I'm really annoyed there's an amazing Harry Potter reference I can make

that you won't understand that would have been a perfect joke to that book six I know but I can make that you won't understand that would have been a perfect joke to that book six I know but I can say it it won't give anything away but it's

what you're saying is my dad's the elder wand for any for any Potter nerds out there I know you're giggling away this isn't the greatest Harry Potter joke

in the world I'm all functioned turn me off and then back on again shove a finger up your ass so Altitude is 10th to the 14th 15th 16th

Google it You can get tickets You can buy your flights You can sort all those Wonderful packages And it's just the fucking best Oh and we might do A live podcast there

If enough people turn up Yeah let's do it If five people If there's a market for it It'll give us a stage If five people turn up To Altitude With Muggins and Cream's t-shirt

That they've made at home We will do the first ever Live Muggins and Creams t-shirt that they've made at home we will do the first ever live Muggins and Creams episode we'll do other ones in the future no doubt but if you're any of the

people that are there for the first one you are like platinum members we'll send you pictures of our buttholes each week get a trolley tour and you've got to guess

which one's which so if you've got to play at home while watching the podcast watching the podcast while watching actually whose is the butthole aye

whose is the onethole? Aye. Yours is the one that's bleeding. Yep. I just want to tampon in. All right. Shall we go on to our next game? It's a new one. We don't know how this is going to work because we've never really discussed it.

We're just like, oh, let's do people's horoscopes. Hey, it might not be funny, but that's the thing. But it may be very different. It may be very different to yours, because I don't know if we're on the same wavelength. Oh, yeah, because we haven't read these through with each other.

So we're just going to have three horoscopes for some of you, just to let you know that this is our predictions from gazing at the stars. We've got stone, we looked at the stars, the planet spoke to us, we know all the star signs. We've read your future. We've read your future. So here they are. I'll go first.

Capricorn pluto has entered capricorn just like i did with your mom last night this means you're going to be impulsive just like your mom was with me last night though nearly the end of the week you'll start feeling down just like your dad was when he saw me doing your mom wheel barrel style last night but eventually everything will come together. Just like me, your mum and your dad did last night. Three is your lucky number and mine apparently. I fucked your mum. Lovely. Is that for all the Capricorns out there? All the Capricorns?

Oh cool, Taurus. I've got your back Taurus. Here we are. For some reason this week you're going to I can't read my own writing. For some reason this week you're going to feel very angry and not know what to do with all of that pent-up aggression. Road rage is inevitable as everyone around you is driving like a fucking Muppet. You'll take this out on people closest to you because they never fucking listen.

You feel your partner is letting the kids away with murder and you always have to look like the ogre when you lay down the law. But this is the role you have to play. Threaten the little bastards with violence if you have to and it's because you love them. On Thursday, you'll meet a Capricorn and you want to do nothing more than to kick his cunt in. Big no. All right. You fucked your mum.

No, no, I fucked Capricorn's mum. Okay. Capricorn's having a bad week. All right. Leo. This is to's having a bad week. I know, eh? Leo. This is to all Leos out there. Age isn't just a number. Stop that.

Stop it now. Just stop. I said stop. No. I don't give a fuck what's legal in France. Stop it. Stop it. Who gives a fuck if he's French?

It's still gross. Yes, saying you sacri-blue are loading his chin is funny, but besides the point. This is for cancer. Cancer, you will get some terrible news this week. And let me tell you, you won't believe the irony. You guessed it. You have cancer. It would only be more

ironic if instead of a crab, it was a lump. Your loved ones will be very sad. Your loved ones will be very sad. Your loved ones will be very sad, but not as sad as you, because they don't have cancer. As the moon moves into Jupiter, you will notice the shadow on your lungs spreading. Your lucky number is five.

That's how many weeks you have left. Gemini. This is a short one Vote Trump Oh no That's how the end of the world started Horoscopes Ill-informed horoscopes Vago

Oh it's me Oh What do you know Vagos are by nature very sceptical Does that sound like you? I don't think so. Which means you will be sceptical of that very statement. I was.

Yes. But I'm also sceptical of that one. Thus contradicting your very belief structure. Showing scepticism in your own scepticism is in itself an ability to show belief. Now that we have cleared this up, it's time to accept some home truths. That ingrained homophobia that you occasionally feel

is actually down to your own suppressed homosexuality thoughts. Homosexuality thoughts? I just thought it was about homosexuality. On Thursday, you will meet a Capricorn. A Capricorn?

And chances are you'll commit a hate crime on them when really all you want to do is bury your face in his ass. Or her ass. I actually wrote

in their ass. Yeah, I kept it gender neutral in my thing. Or her ass I actually wrote In their ass Yeah I kept it Gender neutral In my thing Apart from the fact That it was about you Well Capricorn Is having a tough

Fucking week I fucked your mum And your dad You're dying Someone committed Hate crime on you Yeah and someone's Going to kick in the balls

Right shall we go Yeah this is at 53 minutes. This is perfect time for our last game. The fan favourite. It's your dad jokes. You want to go first, fucko? You want Martin to get it first?

I've already kissed him, so I feel a bit bad about blowing hot and cold. Your dad shits with the lights off to save electricity and then sniffs every wipe to check that he's done. Your dad has to wear armbands to feed the ducks

at the local pond because of what happened last time. Ricketts broke his arm. Your dad couldn't find his suit so he went to a funeral and he ended up

with a school uniform. My one's similar. No. Your dad wears glow sticks to funerals. I hope it's not the same funeral. Very disrespectful

for both families. Your dad put a ring in the sugar bowl and asked your mom for a cup of tea so he could propose to her. Your dad licks both sides of the stamp.

Your dad wears double denim to the gym So I'm on the treadmill Your dad takes me out before parents teachers evening Just tries to get your teacher to be nice to you By dancing with him and hugging him all the time Chewing his face off Your dad let me take a line of coke off his chest. Your dad was seen buying a dog bowl, a collar and a lead. Yet he owns no dog.

But him and your mum seem happier. They must be about to get a dog. Fuck it. Really kinky style. Your dad puts TB at the end of text messages. Your dad makes cheese out of the breast milk he steals from the mums doing yoga down the park. When you put your teeth under the pillow when you were nine,

your dad didn't have a quid, so he gave you a trolley token? Your dad licks your mum's feet clean after walking along the beach. Your dad's infertile and you look nothing like him. Why are our dicks the same size and taste? Oh, my brother's arsehole. Yours is six inches, but it smells like a foot.

No. Is that one of your dad's jokes? No, I think it's someone of my dad's. I can't remember who it is. It's a dad joke. It is a dad joke. Your dad sucks his toes when he's nervous. Your dad has a calculator watch He probably does

He does I guarantee it Fucking met him I'm doing sums on it right now Your dad's got a tattoo Of the thimble monopoly piece Which one the thimble The thimble

Is there a thimble on Aye Because everyone gets the boat or the dog. Oh, maybe there's not a thimble. Maybe my family... Is that how you fucking mob it? No, is there not a thimble? Thimble?

I've got one in my pocket. I'll show you. Maybe I only think there's a thimble because my family lost a piece and they just replaced it with a thimble. Maybe I've just reached a home truth. Are there not thimbles in Monopoly? Nah.

Are there not? Nah. There might be a bucket but even that is just a barrel. Is there not a thimble in Monopoly? Nah.

Are you sure? I mean you could definitely use the hat as a thimble if you ran out of thimbles. And you had a massive thumb. Nah, how big are your Monopoly pieces? They're tiny.

Nah, but I mean using a hat as a thimble. No, it's not a life size hat it's a monopoly piece you really think you've got a hat in there you fuck what happens when you

play as the car fucking crazy anyway so that's what he's got as a tattoo aye your dad went in a spearmint rhino with his CV

much like dogs your dad can't see colour and has been told off for biting babies. Sounds like a Capricorn. Is that you, Dan? Huh? That's what my parents done. Fucking stay down.

Stay slapped. Oh, well, thank you very much. Is this our fifth or sixth? Who gives a shit? We are on tour. Come see us on tour, please. The UK tour is not on for the next couple of weeks, but we are in these following places.

We're in Wrocław, I think it's pronounced, in Poland. Pronounce it again. Wrocław. Wrocław. No, no, that's how you'd say it. W-R-O-R-O-C-L-O-C-L-O. W is pronounced V in Polish. Wrocław. Wrocław. What but the W's are V's remember C-L-O W's are pronounced V in Polish Wrocław

Wrocław What's the V at the end? The W at the end Oh yeah You fucking idiot I mean go on VVV.google In Poland that works No but in Poland that's only fucking

Yeah no It's only half Anyway 19th of October We are in Warsaw oh is it pronounced Warsaw then Warsaw

is it pronounced Warsaw well not by that logic though Warsaw it's like Wroclaw because I got told by a Polish guy that it's Wroclaw

so by logic it should be Warsaw no because by logic would mean we've already got Warsaw so by logic Wroclaw because the middle

letters are different you fucking idiot they just start an M with W. It doesn't mean they're in the same place. Yeah, but if it's a W, it's a W. If it's a V,

it's a V. Oh yeah, anyway, sorry, this is boring for Polish people. Wroclaw, Poland, 18th of October.

Warsaw, Poland, 19th of October. 20th of October, we're in Stockholm, Sweden, which is not selling well, so please,

for the love of God, Swedish, up your fucking game. You've got money, you're fine. 21st of October, we're in Ljubljana, Slovenia. You guys are great. You guys are way better than Sweden because we're going to have to do two shows there

because you guys are so fucking great because one's already sold out. Listen up, Sweden, you fucks. Ljubljana. Remember in Ljubljana? Oh, the Ljubljana banana. The Ljubljana banana. Last time in Ljubljana. Gene was over.

Gene was backstage at the Ljubljana gig. The room's filled up nicely we were about to start we're backstage and there's a bit of there's some food on Jean's playing on her phone Danny's in his Kindle I'm at the buffet

and I get a banana and I unpeel the banana and I thought to myself I've had a few blowjobs in my time but I don't know what they're going through I'm going to give it

a little shot and see what a blowjob is like for the girls that have been on the receiving end of my d and i took the banana right into my throat like i was blowing it i covered my teeth up with my lips i like down in this like daniel deep not paying attention not paying attention at all and um the promoter walked in and saw us down to me gums with a banana i just pulled the full banana out of my mouth and he's just looking at me and I'm looking at him

and I said, it's exactly what it looks like I bet he's glad he fucking caught you then as opposed to five minutes later when you were shoving up your ass I love how you guys looked up and you were like, what's going on? There's tension between me and the promoter and I'm holding a wet banana 22nd of October, we are in Rijeka

in Croatia on the 23rd we are in Split, Croatia and on the 24th we are in Zagreb, Croatia Zagreb you are also amazing because you also require

two shows because you book ahead unlike you fucking Swedes so come see us because we've added an extra show and then we'll have another podcast out by then

so we will announce the dates of the other ones please come see those shows we've added an extra show and then we'll have another podcast out by then so we will announce the dates of the other ones please come see those shows Kai is selling child porn what are you selling? USB USB same thing

full of stuff I've got my show on it I've got my solo show I've got a boxing match against my brother I've packed this USB with loads of good shit so if you want to see

my comedy if you want to see my boxing if you want to see some writing that I've done there's also all the written down your dad jokes which I've not featured in this one yeah we've uh screen capped the old conversations that we had with the your dad jokes put all them on the usb stick so

if you want that that's on my website www.kaihumphries.com on that website you can also find all of the two edits for the rest of the year cool uh also uh thank you very much for uh listening genuinely we're still blown away by the numbers. This is getting through such a fucking stupid podcast that we're having a lot of fun doing, and it's nice that you guys are giving us a reason to keep on doing it. Yeah, so keep listening, keep sharing, hit the share button, and give us a five star, don't be a muggle.

And also come see us in Altjord. Love you lots. See you next time, you bag of cunts.