Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.6 Rainbow Party

Episode Date: October 19, 2016

Broadcasting from Poland, the cRaZy old duo take in the culture and the local delicacies. Muggins now has a pet leaf and Cream speaks of the mythical Rainbow Parties. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Yeah, we're rolling. For the first ever sober version of this podcast. It's the sober version and we're not in your house. Yeah, we're in Poland and we smoked all the weed last night. And now we're hungover in a hotel room. So if this podcast is shit, I just want that to be proof that drugs are good. It's sponsored by vodka.

We got fucking vodka last night. Fucking Polish people, I swear to God. Just neat shots of vodka. They like it. They like it in their mouth. Oh, just straight shots of just vodka.

So we were in, what was the name of the fucking... Václav. Václav last night. Václav. Today we're in Warszawa Or Warsaw

If you like to say The word correctly And The gig was Great But what we've noticed About Poland is Like some parts of Poland

Are exactly What your bigoted mind Think Poland looks like You're like Oh nightmares Here we go This whole place Looks like a call of duty level Yeah Everything looks like. You're like, oh, nightmares, here we go. Oh, this whole place looks like a Call of Duty level.

Yeah. Everything looks like, ah, okay, there's definitely better. Just the concrete buildings flaking away. Yeah, and then you just walk into other parts of the city and then it's absolutely fucking stunning. Polish either go 100% beautiful or 0% and I'm going to kill you. Yeah, the graffiti is the worst I've ever seen as well. It's like they're not even trying.

They haven't even coloured within the lines. Everything's concrete as well. Everything's made of concrete, which is just proof that this is a country that, unlike America, has learned from its past. America has about a thousand hurricanes a year, and yet they still make their houses out of fucking wood. And they're like,

we don't understand why these things keep falling down. Read the three little pics. Whereas Poland got bombed a bunch of times and now the cars are made of concrete. It's concrete. The people may die, but the city would still be here.

We saw a car crash the minute we got to Warsaw. We're looking around, all the cars are shabby. The cars are falling to bits as if they're like MOT, isn't a thing. And then we just saw this car doing a 3.10 and just crunch into the pavement, I guess. It was into nothing. It crashed into a pavement. It crunched and the number plate fell off. And he just got out of the car, grabbed his number plate.

He made his wife get out of the car and pick up the number plate and then drive away with his hazards on. Yeah, he drove with his hazards on. As if like, be careful guys, don't have a number plate. It's instrumental to the steering. Unless he just realised he was a hazard at driving. Then we went through a bunch of Polish delicacies. The kebabs here are actually good and healthy, which is a weird concept for a British person.

Because our kebabs are made of just fucking... It just looks like a fucking elephant's leg. Yeah. Just sweating away on the spit. What's this? Meat? What kind of meat? Shut up, it's meat. But the kebabs here look like they were once an animal.

Yeah, yeah. Like one that lived a very Polish life. It's a grain. It's a cluck. A cluck, a cluck. It's a grain off the floor. This might sound a little bit racist, but I would like to point out one thing

one poles are white so it's fine so fuck them two poles are racist

yeah two poles are racist and three we basically getting all this there's a lovely guy called Chris who is

our gig manager here tour guide here what yeah he's our buddy oh he's a

fucking sorry guy and when we met him and this is again British ignorance, spoke to the guy for an hour and I thought he was British. Yeah, I asked him if he spoke Polish in case we needed to translate

to the sound technician. He was like, dude, I'm Polish. I'm Polish. And we're like, no, no, you don't understand. You're speaking English perfectly. Yeah, better than me. This sucks. No, no, you're mistaken, good sir.

You are English. He's like, no, I was born in Poland. I lived in England for four years, but now I'm Polish. I'm like, no, no, no, no, you're,, good sir. You are English. He's like, no, I was born in Poland and I've lived in England for four years, but now I'm Polish. I'm like, no, no, no, no. Come on now. You stop that. And then we went for other Polish delicacies.

The soup fine, fucking potato and sausage soup, which I'll be fair, does look like war rations, but was delicious. They're putting the knuckle of the bread into it. Yeah. And then, I swear to god the main course i very rarely in my life have a piss on my mouth and immediately like no that's

not staying in there beef tartar beef tartar which if you don't know which i fucking didn't is raw mince uh with raw egg on top with raw onions on the side With raw onions on the side. With raw onions on the side. And basically the ingredients of a burger. Just none of it's good. Like, it's basically, I feel like the post, basically, they got their version of the cookbook

as just the recipe. And they're like, ah, yes. It's made. It's nice. Yes, I made you a lovely birthday cake. Here is flour. Here is two egg.

Here is sprinkle and joy no you meant to bake it no no no no it's tradition it's tradition you eat or I'll kill you I joke ha ha I was honest

you ate the whole fucking thing I ate yours yeah two raw burgers two raw burgers and raw egg like that salmonella I don't know how you're still alive I do feel like

I mean actually yeah there was damage did you have a there was a bit of damage I don't know how much of that was just the vodka feel like... I mean, actually, yeah, there was damage. Did you have a... There was a bit of damage. I don't know how much of that was just the vodka I like, but it was like, yeah. Did the vodka make you shit? I don't know.

Something happened. I splashed myself in the face. I told you, didn't I? Yeah, you're the only person I've ever met. Fucking disgusting. You took a shit and splashed yourself. Honest to God, I'm just fucking, you know, one hand on my left knee

elbow on my right knee just fucking playing it cool on the bog and then just pop splash just fucking splashed myself

right in the dish see what the fuck's this mess fucking never have I ever had a shit that had to wash my face not since that time I've done it

standing on my head but I'll never do that again yeah I've learned mother shit on me once, shame on me. Shit on me twice, more shame on the shit.

Yeah. So yeah, I splashed myself in the face having a vodka shit. That was nasty. I bought a leaf last night. You did?

Why did you come up trying to sell me a leaf? I was like, are you trying to sell me a leaf? He was dressed as a tree and a laminated leaf. It sounds like we were high and we were but this did happen i've got pictures of it a man dressed as a tree outside of a kebab shop came up look at you the best thing is right

dressed as a tree right really long straightened hair you don't get naturally straight hair like that unless he's a fucking elf right so he had this like long straight hair this tree outfit on and he was trying to sell a leaf and i was like is this guy for real i turned to danny i was like is this guy for real you just tried to sell me a leaf and you went what guy there was a good solid two seconds have you been like oh no polish vodka you know if that was like a trip like if i was hallucinating like fucking if i don't know can you lace a spliff with acid probably not that acid gives you that type of hallucinations anyway

if that was a trip I would have been like kudos imagination thanks imagination for fabricating this tree man that's selling a leaf good work it's one of your best

bits of work he sold you a laminated leaf fucking bought it for ten shloty which is about two quid two quid but it's a leaf that'll last forever

I've got a laminator as well I own a laminator something you could have done it yourself it's one of my bloggings it's a leaf that'll last forever. I've got a laminator as well. I own a laminator. Something that... You could have done it yourself. It's one of my belongings. It's got glitter on it, though. Yeah, but no, I think it might be gold pen.

Gold pen. So you drew on the leaf and laminated it. I'd have to unlaminate it to see if it's loose. Do you think he was homeless and he just had a niche or is that like... I don't know.

His day job? Fuck, man. He should be raking it in. He should be a millionaire. Was that a shitty pun? Raking it in? He's literally raking in a millionaire. That was that shitty pun, raking it in. He's literally raking in the leaves. Yeah,

that was a good one, Kai. Well spotted, well spotted that pun, what a find. So, yeah, just like if the guy's

whacking around selling laminated leaves, fuck man, he's took a punt. I'm going to give him me money. Do you remember, do you remember the time we were in, fucking,

where's the bull run? Pamplona. Pamplona. Do you remember the time we were in fucking... Where's the bull run? Pamplona. Pamplona. Do you remember that fat Spider-Man that was smoking on the bench? I was just... Like, this guy, I'm not kidding, was wearing a kid's Spider-Man costume. Belly hanging out. Belly hanging out at the edge.

Just like the man... Like, you know, the man's not even fully covered in face. Just up to his nose, like the bit where he kisses Mary Jane Parker but it's just you can smoke a fucking dab and drink sangria with a straw and it's just

it's hot was he busking? no he was just sat there and then you went for a photo with him and he was just like money money

oh yeah yeah so he asked for money when I asked for a photo yeah because I was taking a photo to take the piss out of him I didn't realise he was like the real spider of him. I didn't realise he was like... The real Spider-Man.

Yeah, I didn't think it was him. I didn't think it was Peter Parker. No, he's selling it to fucking... Is it Peter Parker? Aye. Peter Parker picked a pipe. No, you don't. Stop that. Stop it. Never do that again.

Alright, promise. What have you called me before? You called me a dingleberry fin. A dingleberry fin. No, you fucking not. Choose your own insults. Just randomise on your fucking insult fin. A dingleberry fin. No, you fucking not. Choose your own insults. Just randomise on your fucking insults. A dingleberry fin, that's a great insult.

I'm not having it, Matt. You don't get to choose what insult you are. Nope. You can totally reject your insults. No. If you get rejected, you can just go, nah. No, you can't. Declined.

Just declined your insult. Just swiped. Swiped left. You just made a noise With your mouth I mean you can say You can say you weren't Affraid of it

You're bringing it back up You're clearly upset With the phrase Dingleberry Finn No I'm just correcting Your behaviour Like it's the It's the equivalent

Of you coming up With me and going Shmim shmim Shmim shmim No that's just The fucking noise You made with your mouth No dingleberry fin

It's a play on It's a play on The word that you Dingleberry Which is an insult And huckleberry fin I mean it's still Under discussion It shouldn't be It's a great insult It's clearly upset that you're Dingleberry, which is an insult, and Huckleberry Finn. I mean, it's still under discussion.

It shouldn't be. It's a great insult. It's clearly upset. Dingleberry? I'll hit you where it hurts. Hit you right in the feels. What? You just confused us.

You just insulted me into a state of bewilderment. Fucking Dingleberry Finn. For two seconds, your eyes went straight as you tried to work it out. It's quite nice, actually. You've just seen one world. For the first time, your eyes went straight as you tried to work it out. Quite nice, actually. Just seeing one world.

For the first time your eyes went straight and there was only one of me. Thrilled. Squinty-stward. That was proper squinty. You never knew me with a bong eye, did you?

No, you've still got your Madeline McCann eye after you murdered her and you've kept it the thing I put down. You found me. You found me. You found me. I've got a droopy pupil.

I've got a droopy pupil. Yeah. I can't teach them any longer. I've just said it. I've had to stop teaching I'm going to be honest. The only teaching days

I've got a droopy pupil just because it's the bane of my life. You can't be taught some kids. They just don't want to learn. Yeah. So I've got this duty pupil just because it's the bane of my life. You can't be taught some kids. They just don't want to learn. Yeah. So I've got this

duty pupil. I mean, I fucking wrote letters to his parents and everything. Got them in for parent teachers and they're like, you're not even a teacher?

What are you doing here? You're the janitor. Hi, you've got a duty pupil. Hi, but have you not seen Goodwill Hunters? Alright.

You don't have a duty pupil. It looks like... Looks like that little skit so my eye retina my running retina it's like a fucking shit egg

it's like it's like it's like a autistic child you coloured in your eye and then got distracted and just went oh black everywhere

whatever it's like a Polish graffiti artist drew my eye so I've got this droopy eye this is me I don't know how eyes work so I've got this droopy eye this is me

I don't know how eyes work because you've got droopy people do you see long ways do you have like extra long vision just I don't know

I've got nothing to compare to your left eye let's see let's see if it's longer right so right eye closed right I can see up to here

it depends alright so I've got to make sure I eye closed, right? I can see up to here. So I've got to make sure I don't look up. I can just see the ceiling and just see that rug. If I open that eye, I can't see the ceiling. I see less. How the fuck does that work? The eye sees shorter. Oh, no, I was looking down.

Normally we're not a scientific podcast, but this is... There's any eye doctors this is Science I'm having a breakthrough No I'm Optician Optician that's fine What's an optomerist? Or is that just a word I made up? Yeah it's like Dingleberry

So I've got the droopy pupil And I got into a nightclub because of it When I was on pills And I was totally fucked up right And I was chatting away Just before we get into the drug section of the show We just want to say don't do drugs kids

unless you want to in which case do them they're fun okay so I'm queuing for a nightclub and I'm going in my face off man I was like I was a clip

you know what I'm going to get on pills something on the insides of your cheeks I look like a wise old Chinese man delicious alright just tune the

inside of your face off so gets to the door, and the dude went, mate, you're fucked, you're not getting in. And I was just like, what are you talking about? I'm just chatting to my buddy. And he was just like, you're chewing your face off. And it wasn't long after the boxing match, and I've got my jaws locked out a little bit

after getting punched in the face. And I was like, oh, man, I had a boxing match in February. My jaw's still in straight. I can't open it fully. And I opened my mouth wide, And it didn't open very wide. As wide as I could. And then he went, yeah, your pupils are dilated. And I was like, dude, I've got a birth defect.

And I showed him my eye and showed him my birth defect. And he was like, oh, sorry, dude. I'm so sorry. There's the proof. And I paid him five or whatever to get in. So this guy called it that I was on pills. And I convinced him that that was just my face. This is how I live.

Which really you should take as an insult. But he was so apologetic. And Dorman, don't back down. You're not getting in. But the fact that he realised he just fully insulted my face, and this is just how I live. Perfect. See, I never get into that.

For some reason, I'm a very very good drunk I'm always well I think me and you both we're experienced drunks where we've got a handle on it

we're gonna handle our shit remember when I was on the radio and I nearly said handle my shit so again get a handle

on your stuff yeah what radio was that it was on Absolute with Jason Manford oh Jason Manford yeah

like oh that guy just needs to get a handle on his stuff me and Jason Manford looking at like like, good one, Dingleberry Finn. Good recovery. I mean, check Ofcom, Dingleberry Finn's up there. Dingleberry Finn, but insulting-wise, only offensive to white people.

Yeah. Just like, oh, honky. Cracker wasn't on that list. Why are we called Cracker? Use that willy-nilly. Oh, this might be a wrong guess. Cracker wasn't on that list Why are we called Crackers? Use that willy nilly Oh I I This might be a wrong guess

And if it is Then it's treacherous But is it something to do With cracking the whip? Oh maybe Because that's awful I'll ask I'll ask Google

You tell a story Oh you can tell While I'm going with this So we're talking about Getting into nightclubs I can zone in So when the doorman's like Oh you're too drunk

Or whatever You and I both can just like rein in the drunk and have a conversation with them for a

couple of minutes yeah I'm still very I'm still very I can still speak perfect

fucking English me too you've got very high I once got in by doing a Rubik's Cube I used to do a

Rubik's Cube in my set and I was totally hammered and the doorman was like you're too drunk and I pulled out the Rubik's Cube doing a Rubik's Cube. I used to do a Rubik's Cube in my set, and I was totally hammered, and the doorman was like, you're too drunk, and I pulled out a Rubik's Cube, completed the Rubik's Cube, and he was like,

I guess you're not that drunk. Remember when we could tell the story about when we did Polish television? We did Polish television? Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah, fuck. So when we got here, we got told we're going to be on a chat show

for Polish television, so we just got in the car and just followed the lead. Oh, by the way, you were right it was originally meant the sound of cracking whip but came to refer loud conversation bragging talk or like cracking a joke

so braggarts which is obviously white people so yeah, it did come from cracking the whip, there you go white people are awful so I'm not offended by any words but getting called that I'd be like, oh no, don't associate me with that shit I would so I'm not offended by any words but getting called that I'd be like oh no don't associate me

with that shit like I don't want to be called cragger fuck so like that's now getting a lot more offensive as a term even though

you know they were another thing but yeah yeah okay there you go so we'll get to the TV station and there was a girl there Innes Innes

it was really cool really cool girl and she was the translator but we thought she was an actual translator for the show

but it just turned out that she knows both languages and had been thrown in at the deep end as translator simultaneous translator so she gets this job

where she's like I'm gonna fucking kill Jim and this is like this is like daytime Polish TV but it's like on at night

it's like this morning but in the evening this evening there's a fucking there's a cooking cooking there's a cooking yeah there's a cooking show going on in the background where they're just not

cooking eggs and not I don't know why there was a fucking cooking show in the background where they're just putting ingredients down here's one I made earlier

it is finished so we're in this studio where people are putting raw ingredients on a plate they didn't have a stove going save electricity or whatever and then

then you got put in the app piece in and the interviewer who didn't speak a word of english had an earpiece put in and both of you are getting through to innis so whenever the interviewer asked me a question and it would translate in my ear the question and then i would uh answer in english and she would translate the english answer back in polish to the woman so this is live and innis's voice hasn't been broadcast, so there's just a really slow conversation going on with the

interviewer, who's speaking Polish, and then a massive delay, and then Daniel responding in English, and the interviewer not understanding a word that he's saying, and then Muggins here... Muggins. Cream has an earpiece. Muggins has no earpiece. I didn't have any earpiece in, so I just had to guess

what the questions were And I was just jumping in Like jumping in blindfolded Into a skipping rope And There was points When I was just sat there It was at the start

So I put the earpiece in And we're not sure if it's live We're not sure if it's pre-recorded We're just sat on the couch And she goes silent And then the music starts Coming through on my earpiece And I can see all the TVs

Doing the Like an opening sequence And I'm like Oh it's about to start And then you just start going Is this live? Is this And she's looking at the camera

Trying not to look at you Because she's about to repeat She had panic in her eyes didn't she She had genuine panic And I'm opening the show with Is this live? She's like an excited little I've never been on a telly

Hi ma'am Hello telly Hi ma'am Hello Poland Hi hi ma'am My ma'am's just watching New Polish channels It's 7pm She's got it recorded on her skybox She's so proud

She's the relatives Hi Relatives comes round He has me boy on Polish Polish this evening it's called which means

night time during the day it was an awkward interview because yeah so I had to sometimes I had to translate the question to you and otherwise

I would just answer the question and then you had to guess what I was talking about and join in and then you start insulting Polish people on TV you're like what's your favourite thing about Poland? And it was a discussion that we'd had earlier,

which is a fair discussion, where we were talking about, we think we're naturally sort of a bit terrified and scared of the Polish accent in any Eastern European because of James Bond, right? We've grown up on James Bond and born identity. Anytime I've heard someone with a Slavic-sounding accent, they're always a bad guy.

So the thing about Polish people is they're very, very hospitable and they're very, very friendly. But that accent, just in my head, I'm like, oh, you've got a silencer in your back pocket and you could fucking choke at a cow if you wanted to. So I said that on TV, that we're just used to our movies and our TV shows where the Polish accent is the accent of the villain

so we're just like we're trained it's not even the Polish it's the Russians normally but the accent's very similar at least to our delicate

I spoke to a guy at the gig last night who was English who's been living over here for about 20 years and he reckons the Polish and the Geordies are very similar

the women are sluts and I just said that they're warm and welcoming and friendly people alright but your accent your accent isn't terrifying though like you were saying

it can be the Geordie accent can be like really warm and endearing but if you crank it up it can sound threatening nah yeah man I know

you're fucking tired I'll knock your fucking block off you Raji I'm not terrified it's because it comes from my mouth I'm broke it's just like

the Polish accent they can say stuff like I don't think like Rouge and Supper like a couple of my buddies from back home

who are a little bit more hard nah but that's their fucking faces it's not like the sound

of the voice it's where it's fucking coming from the terrified they're just weathered they look like they've been out

on this stormy shore deadliest catch type of face Also found out Hope they're listening There's Jersey Shore Geordie Shore And I'm not kidding

Warsaw Shore It's a landlocked country Oh no it's not Warsaw Is it even on the coast? I said this last night is it even on the coast and they were like it's got the back of the river

it's got a bank just like a wee fucking sunbath just down by the river but yeah like the Polish accent even when they're saying something nice I just have this and it's absolutely my fault

but just like everything just sounds like a threat like welcome to a hotel here is complimentary chocolate you buy leaf yes you buy leaf it's very I pick myself.

Enjoy, enjoy. Hey, there are seven locks on the door. Very secure. Very thick walls. Nobody hear you scream. Why, why, why? Should we do Muggle Chat? Oh, should we do Muggle Chat? We aren't on 20, so that's enough of our fucking shite. Muggle Corner, not Muggle Chat.

So, for those new listeners, why, why start this episode? What are you doing? Why? Of our fucking shite. Muggle Corner, not Muggle Channel. So, for those new listeners, why? Why start this episode? What are you doing? Why? Why are you a new listener? Stop it. For those of you who don't know, Muggle Corner, fan favourite of the show, is when me and Kai nominate things that muggles do. Now, you might know the word muggle from the

Harry Potter universe, meaning someone who is a non-magician. A non-wizard, even. I don't think there are fucking magicians in the Harry Potter universe, meaning someone who is a non-magician, a non-wizard even. I don't think there are fucking magicians in the Harry Potter world. That would impress me. Was this your card? I can turn that chair into a fucking... What are you talking about? Seven of diamonds, though.

It was seven of diamonds. How did you do that? It's awesome. The fuck was that? I don't know. Loud noises in Poland are scarier than loud noises elsewhere

we use the term muggle as a derogatory term for just people that don't need to be like

these they're highlights of their life one mention in the newspaper they're just hey all nice and brown have you been away

on your jollies on your what on your jollies what's your jollies What's your jollies? Hold it a minute Jolly holidays Jollies Billy Jolly Day

No Mate I'll tell you what This is The weed's not affecting me Because I'm still Flying out the fucking zingers But I'll tell you what

The weed's made your Fucking sense of humour shake I need to upgrade my sense of humour To enjoy these fucking zingers So we basically offer things that muggles do which are just shit doll things now you can do these things and still not be a muggle we're all capable of doing

muggle things but as a punishment for if you're guilty of any of the six things me and Kai nominate and agree on you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds and just think about what a fucking muggle you are also speaking of corners do you remember that time we got high

and then realised that like, the corners of the room where the wall meets the wall and the roof, nobody's nose has ever touched those. And we were like,

yes. No, it can't be done. It can't be done? No. Did I not do it? No. I thought,

surely you could do it with your nose. You could probably do it from here. I could do it? No. I thought I did. Surely you could do it with your nose. You could probably do it from here. I could do it with my dick. That's why it smelled funny when I tried. Can't even get a nose from that corner. Just put my dick in there.

Why does the corner of the room smell like my asshole? And how did you do that? So there you go. if you want to try that thing there's just a thing for you your nose cannot touch

the corner of a room just like some people can't lick their elbows most people's noses and you're probably going to get on your tiptoes and try and get the one at the top corner

but just pull the set away from the wall just get on your hunkers well not your hunkers on your knees your waist on your hunkers alright I'll go first for the muggle corner muggles do the colour run Just get on your hunkers. Well, not your hunkers, on your knees. You're weird on your hunkers. All right.

I'll go first for the muggle corner. Muggles do the colour run. The colour run? Aye. Muggle. What's the colour run? Oh, colour me rad. Aye, when you run 5K, which is not an impressive amount by any feat.

But, like, everyone gets blasted with colour power. Aye. Oh, that looks fun, though. That looks dead, like, hippie-ish. Yeah. It does look hippie-ish. That's why it's muggly it's like a little like going out

with your pals get blasted with colours and everyone looks funky little festival shit you're waiting to float like marathons half marathons are fucking impressive

like you deserve a reward you ran 13 or 26 but no it's the festival vibe they're going for not the run specifically like when you go

to the bull run not everyone was doing the run but everyone put the whites on and the red sashes yeah but they do in Edinburgh it's like a fucking two hour event, it gives a shit. But you just like run around getting coloured in and that.

Yeah, like a fucking rainbow jays, don't you? It's just like, how is that fun? I always see the pictures and go, oh, they're having a good time. That's all it's for though, it's only for people's profile pictures and Tinder profile pics, is it? Yeah. It's up next, like, what's the point? So do you think you wouldn't enjoy it? Do you think you're just moving along

just getting blasted with colour I reckon when I was in fucking India and it was the actual colour festival there when it's like

you know something to do with spirituality and their religion and stuff and it's like a long festival absolutely

but when it's in fucking Paisley like nah shut up just throwing fucking food dye at each

other looking like just like do you have to bring your own colour do you bring your own Shut up You're just throwing Fucking food dye At each other Looking like Just like a Do you have to bring Your own colour No I think Do you bring your own Like bag

Like what do you do Like dye flour No I don't know What it is I wish it was like No I don't know Is it colour dye flour No it's really

You put food dye And flour Mix into a cake Don't it In Poland It's Polish Smurf cake, doesn't it? I mean a shit one. In Poland. Is this Polish smurf cake? Ah,

I don't know. I'd quite like to do one. My God, man. I'm going to stand in the corner for 30 seconds and I mean, it's going to affect my time. What have you got in your eyes?

Change the colour of your eyes. Oh, sweet. So you can sort out your drippy one. You can sort out your drippy pupil. Just colour it drippy pupil. Just sort out your drippy pupil, colour it back in. No, sweet. So you can sort out your droopy one. You can sort out your droopy pupil. Just colour it droopy pupil.

Just sort out your droopy pupil, colour it back in. No, I just like, I've never done it and like, I don't mind if I have a 10k part of it

but it's just such a small amount to reward yourself as well. Like, oh, we did 10k. Oh, cool. I would say them fun runs as well, like the 5k runs,

like not everyone's competitive runner but people do want to go out and have a jog. They just go on the little fun run. They don't want to be blasting out the marathon. It's just...

They're muggles? I think it's extremely muggly. But we both have to vote on it to go on the corner. I'm a bit ignorant of it. I don't really know much apart from that it makes a pretty wicked profile photo. The fact that you think it's A pretty wicked profile photo But I am going to go The fact that you think It's a pretty wicked profile

Is further It looks like I'm having fun But I'm going to I'm going to go behind Enemy lines And I'm going to find out If it's good I'm going to do one

You're going to do one Yeah Are you going to do a colour run Pinky promise Or blue promise I'd pick a colour Any colour Was this your colour

Like I just I don't it is the most fucking hippie shit just like a tie dye bunch of pricks because there's

it's also basically we've just taken something to look for from India where there's a lot of meaning we're like oh can we do it

but without all the fun stuff we just do a run and then throw colours at each other can you remember the your mum joke your we do it but without all the fun stuff? We just do a run and then throw colours at each other. Can you remember the Your Mam joke? What was it again?

It was the one about will your mam stop changing her lipstick because me cock looks like a rainbow. No, I don't remember that. You never do that one? No.

Tell your mam to stop changing her lipstick. Did you hear? Have you heard about the rainbow parties? What are your mams? No. No, no, no.

No, it's a rainbow party? Rainbow party. This happened in America apparently like a couple of years ago With like 13, 14 year old kids There was like these parties Where each girl

Would wear a different colour lipstick And the boys Would go around And get as many blowjobs As they could From different girls So they're definitely like a rainbow Fucking Generation X mate

Mate Like Was it Gen Y? 13 Like How old? 13 13, 14

I swear to God In America Like at a fucking Christian school as well Like they were having all these parties Where they were just having Fucking rainbow dicks for Jesus Fucking hell What was I doing at 13?

Man Pogs? I'm so jealous Playing pogs? I could have been getting my dick sucked Man I would love to suck My digital dicks Fuck me

I've been wearing this green oh well at least I save money on lipstick it's a legit thing it's a genuinely legit thing

which to be fair like I would go that would be my version of the color run I'd do that you'd do the

rainbow party I'd do the rainbow party as an adult like I'd run 5k and then get noshed off by someone who looks like they've got fucking pneumonia. But, like, what happens if you...

Go, do it. I was just going to say, like, what happens if, like, the first blizzard, you finish. You blow your lid. And then you're just, like, just getting your numb softie. I'll do a 13-year-old. I'll do a 13-year-old, just sucking your numb softie. And you're going, like, I should have stuck in at school. I'm 33. Why am I here? I've got blue ballsofty and you're going like I should have stuck in at school I'm 33

why am I here I've got blue balls oh you didn't come nah she deep throated me she got all the way down to the hill I would totally do her oh then again no I would

well then other dicks have been in the mouth you gotta look who's you gotta go for the fresh lipstick I reckon see if someone see if someone just looks like

I'd love to do that but I'd have to get Natalie's permission I don't think she'd let us no I don't think so fucking girlfriends are so shit like

there's this thing where people people suck their dicks let's just negate the fact they're 13 they may be women whatever whatever

all these women want to suck me cock I don't know ask them to do it Jesus that's really hard can I do it Natalie can I nah

guys why don't you just cut the plug off the playstation fuck That's really hard Can I do it? Can I? Natalie can I? Nah Guys Why don't you just cut the plug off the PlayStation? Look All the things I enjoy Stop doing that College and blowjobs Are two favorite things Fuck's sake

Until you invent a cloning machine You can't offer us these things You know what? I want to keep you So I'm going to do what you say but I'm not happy fucking bossy boots

now we're going to your favourite restaurant are we oh I see how this works no no no same reason that you didn't let us get my dick sucked up

13 year olds we're not going to that restaurant because no because I'd feel cheated on if we go there fucking get away yourself fucking hell

got a hold of me life this one ball and chain can I enjoy a rainbow party aye can I enjoy a couple of blotters with the boys Columbia Rad

is on hold is on hold aren isn't it? It is on hold until I get behind enemy lines. By the way, I'm going to do it alone as well. I'm not going to do it with friends. I'm just going to sneak in there on me, Todd. Aye. That's proper muggle as well.

You're probably going to have a rainbow party on your own. Sucking your own dick. Just crying into the mirrors as you put your lipstick on. So, I don't know The jury's out The jury's out I think it's very mugglish To mention the weather

To the guy at the petrol station Oh yeah I've seen that a few times I don't think it's exclusive To the guy at the petrol station But that's somewhere Where you see it When like

As you're behind someone In the queue That just comes in from outside And it's like Oh it's chilly out there man It's meant to get warmer By the weekend That's what they say But it's fucking You there, man. It's meant to get warmer by the weekend.

That's what they say about the fucking... You've seen it snowing outside global warming, my arse. And the fact that, like, they're not the only guy to say it. That muggle is one of many muggles

in the fucking muggle behind the counter has just got to absorb all of this muggle. He's just taking muggle shots to the face like a fucking bukkake party.

A muggle struggle all day long. A fucking nine-hour shift. A muggle struggle. A muggle struggle. He is. He's a victim of a muggle struggle all day long a fucking nine hour shift a muggle struggle he is he's a victim of a muggle struggle

he's just got a fucking conveyor belt of people telling him the weather he's got a window

he's just like oh oh that aye the snow aye oh fuck I wondered what that was

oh here's me thinking I'm fucking working a slave shift for six pound an hour when there's free cocaine

outside what an idiot so I thought everything was in black and white for a while i thought at night time just it was black and white and then color gets turned on when the sun comes out is that on the outside of the window i thought that was a fucking tv screen thanks for the info i think i don't think i will i will absolutely give you but i don't think it's exclusive to okay because i would it's taxi drivers do that as well the bane of my fucking existence is taxi drivers having a conversation with me the bane of my life

I don't I paid for a ride not a fucking car I don't want to talk to you I've got no and it sounds arrogant I tried to do it as stand up but it made me come across as a proper cunt

yeah because everyone's everyone's natural disposition is like well he's just having a chat to you I don't want to talk to him I'm not interested in him like imagine the bus driver chatting to you

how weird that would be you know if it's a busy bus and the bus driver's just like aye so then did you see so you're a comedian are you here's one for you

aye here's a joke for you and so I feel trapped the taxi driver thing I fucking totally stung you on the way back

from Edinburgh airport where I asked the taxi driver a question and then put my headphones on. Oh, like a fucking cunt. I could just see you guys just chatting away and I could see that you were hating it. I will tip taxi drivers excessively if they don't say a single word to me for the trip.

I just don't want it because it's all muggle chat. You're not going to say anything. I'm not going to say anything that interests you and you're not going to say anything that fucking interests me. say anything that interests you you're not going to say anything that fucking interests me I want to be on my phone I want to answer

my fucking emails yeah that's another thing as well we're self-employed so a lot of our stuff's like admin on your emails you're on the road

we don't have an office but we've still got an office job in terms of admin that comes with the emails and shit so we'll be doing

that in a taxi or in an airport or just doing it out of our pocket it looks like I'm being rude I'm working and they're trying to wait

and you're like this is coming up to me at my desk at work I'm just fucking you've got plans over the weekend you're going to go I'll probably go down

and see the kids because Sarah's just popped out another wee bear and so I just thought I'd go see her seven ounces it's a bit light but you know

she's a grower she's a feeder she's got no problem with the breastfeeding so far so I reckon she'll... I don't give a fuck, mate. You're a sim character in the background of my life. I don't need to hear anything that's going on in your head.

Just give me a lift for money. Yes. It is such an arrogant shit thing to do. Because it's fucking all people. We're all just, like, living... I mean, he's fitting into the role of taxi driver, but he's just a dude. But, like, he's got this transaction where he's taking you somewhere and you're giving him money and you're you're having to go right

this is where the transaction ends yeah yeah like but i should but it's actually rude yeah it's like you should be able to coexist but yeah and the thing is i can't i can moan about it all all i want but i can never get into a taxi and be like i'd love to have the courage to be like there's an extra fiver in it if you don't say a word to me yeah and I would love it but I can't say that because it makes me sound like such a like you know when you go to a restaurant

like you're paying you're paying a guy to cook your food is essentially what you're doing when you go to a restaurant but like he doesn't like come and chat to you throughout your meal aye

he doesn't like he doesn't bring the meal to the table and then chat to you about his day aye it's the same with the waiters like a good waiter comes over gives you the menu pops in once or twice

just to check but at some points I just don't want conversation in my life I don't need it sometimes we don't even talk to each other

when we go for a meal we look like a what were you going to say exactly what I was going to say like an old manly gay couple yeah we look like a gay couple that have

fell out we're just sat opposite each other like stone-faced playing on our phones. On our phones then getting slight food envy. Just be like, can I try some of your,

can I try some of your biscotti? Slapping your wrist and looking away from you. Stone and a half. Yeah, no, absolutely. If you've ever mentioned the weather

to anyone, ever, like everyone's got eyes. Even blind people know what the weather is. Yeah. And deaf people. You don't need to check, you don't need to be told about the weather. everyone's got eyes even blind people know what the weather is yeah and deaf people you don't need to check

you don't need to be told about the weather everyone's got Facebook no and that's totally in so if you've ever done that get in the corner for 30 seconds my next one

muggles do karaoke and I've done it I've done it so I'll stand in the corner yeah I'm going to stand in the corner I think you're right it's the lowest I think you're right but I'm going to stand in the corner. I think you're right. Oh, it's the lowest. I think you're right,

but I'm going to continue to be a muggle in that regard because I like watching my mates on karaoke. I hate every second of it. I think that's what I like about it. It's the lowest. It's like when we strong-armed you into going and saying, hey there, you're a rock star, get your game on. I had to do it.

I was watching you going, he hates that. I hate every second. You were there singing that song, having a really bad time. Awful. And that to me is pure entertainment. Pure raw entertainment watching you sing against your will. Like there was a fucking gun to your head.

It's the lowest, lowest form of entertainment there is. I can't, like, oh, do you want to go hear a song? You, like, get butchered by some fucking cunt you don't really like. But because if you're a really good karaoke singer, be a singer. That's what Grassy, your friend, did. Really good singer. Stopped doing karaoke. Is now a singer.

Do that. Great. If you're not good at singing, don't sing. But I did. I did purposefully knowing that I was going to end up in a karaoke bar on holiday with the boys. I learned La Bamba in Spanish so that I could just go, oh, go on. Then I'll have a little double of the karaoke

and then just get up and not even look at the screen. I was right in amongst the fucking audience like, para bala la bamba la necesita una poco de gracia una poco de gracia pa mi patria y arriba y arriba which translates to oh, what is it again?

I'll look at the English translation. It was in order to dance the bamba a little sense of humour is needed. A little sense of humour for me and you. For me and you. For me and you. Now I'm not a sailor. Didn't say you were. Paranoid.

I'm the captain. I'm the captain. Sounds to me like you're a sailor, son. Sounds to me like you're a sailor with a hat. So, no sense of humour? Is that what the words of the band are? But karaoke for me is, I hate every part of it. I hate whatever, I don't like being in a room when it's done.

I don't want to be part of it. I hate it. Chris yesterday was like, we can go to a karaoke bar. Nearly fell out with him. Oh, let's sing a Polish song and try and read it oh I don't know fucking hell

yeah just it sounds like your fucking braces on I feel like I was in Rewind is La Bamba in reverse is La Bamba in Polish if you see it

something we just found out today Right Next one Muggle Corner Oh yeah so if you do karaoke And if you enjoy karaoke In any sense

It's a solid And when you're in the corner Don't you fucking dare sing You stand there in fucking silence And you think about all the times You fucking butchered Candle in the Wind Yep

And I'm gonna be standing there Right with you With my nose in the corner Alright I guess Muggles drink decaf Yeah what's the point It's like fucking drinking non-alcoholic beer

Yeah Who drinks beer for the flavour You just want to join in Aye I mean A couple of shandies for the boys Two shandies Two shandies for the boys

Referencing Auntie Donna If you've never watched Auntie Donna I strongly recommend you get on that Go on YouTube Type in Auntie Donna As in your auntie Whose name is Donna Auntie Donna If you've never watched Auntie Donna I strongly recommend You get on that Go on YouTube Type in Auntie Donna As in your auntie Whose name is Donna

Auntie Donna And look up Too many shanties No babies for the boys Is it babies for the boys Babies for the boys Yeah I don't get The point of decaf

Yeah it's like I mean I do like The taste of coffee But If it wasn't for The caffeine I wouldn't drink it No it's the same

With like I like the taste of I like the drink it. No, it's the same with like, I like the taste of some wine and I like the taste of cider and I like the taste of gin and tonic. But if it didn't have alcohol in it, you wouldn't be like sitting there sipping wine all night. No.

You'd just go, oh, I'll just have juice. Aye. It's like, it's also the thing, I've never understood, and this probably comes from a place of ignorance, if there's any women out there

who can answer this, why do flavoured condoms exist? Rainbow parties? Rainbow parties? What? No, because then the rainbow's not on your dick, and you just get a multicoloured fucking condom and pretend you've... Yeah, because...

Can you get STDs from bluzzards? Yeah, you can, but... Yeah, that'll be it then. Yeah, but why... Well, because, like, just to disguise the taste of oily rubber but why is that like if you're if you're worried about seds just don't suck the like i don't want to if you're not going to serve my dick if you need to go on my dick don't sell my dick like i've never had one with it on i can't imagine it feels good at all it's like being fingered through a bin bag.

It's like being fingered through a bin bag. What's the fucking point? Like, oh, I just don't like the taste. What do you think? You can taste like a fucking bag of Skittles down there. I know you're wrong. I do love eating pussy. Yeah, yeah. Man.

I lost my argument a second there. What are you doing? I don't know if girls love the taste of dick, but I can tell you right now, I love the taste of sweet puss puss. I would be eating one right now If I was allowed Apparently not

In this In this dictatorship Of a relationship I'm in Dingy I just like Yeah I've never understood Is And also

With flavour condoms Like if you fuck a girl Like does her Vagina then taste like passion fruit so you have sex with them with the flavour condom on and then you go down

to flavour them up flavour them up the chuff so do you think it's just like the cordial in the out of the water and you go down so they're drinking neat cordial

when they're blushing it they're doing it wrong no no you meant to just dip it in dip it in and then you lick yourself out. I mean, if that's the point, then maybe... But then again, you don't want to really eat a vagina after you've gone... Well, I don't.

You have several times. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I ate my own load. It was a bad Bad day for me It was a very bad day

I'd finished But then I wanted to go down Because you were drunk But I was drunk And I was finished Yep Yeah Yep

I ate my load Yep Not the only time you've eaten your load Is it not? Nope When's that one? With Natalie With Natalie Duke

Natalie? Yeah Was it another time When you This girl's an angel Yeah Yeah but I don't know how comfortable

You are to tell me this story I know the story Which is it? When you came on a test And the next morning You woke up Oh no That was

That was worse than that That was It was way before Natalie Tom had finished on it No no not that Not that one There's so many stories Of you eating cum

There was I'll tell you off the air And we'll get to the science It was way before Natalie, Tom had finished on it. No, no, not that one. There's so many stories of you eating cum. I'll tell you off the air and we'll get to the science. Natalie's been listening now going, I wonder who that was then. Maybe it did. It was years ago. Natalie, if you're listening, tweet in. I tweeted. Did I eat my load off your boobies?

Aye. I'm so sorry for Daniel's mouth. No, I saw his. Well, not so sorry. You're sure for your own fucking mouth. All right. Yeah. Colleagues doing your own fucking mouth alright yeah colleagues doing

your own man gravy so what was that one we said Daring that was drinking decaf I don't know how it would come to me drinking my own load

but that's essentially worse than drinking decaf it is so you're probably standing in the corner as well actually I mean I should

just probably kill myself stop eating your own load I just drink decaf to get the taste out of my mouth that's what it's for

see because with me like see if my I'm an absolute hypocrite see if my own cum touches me it ruins my whole day but I'll happily aim it

yeah I've got I never land on myself that was like some drunken times yeah because I used to I didn't know like you know when people talk about like

oh were you talking about the time when I had a 69 with my ex and I'd already had already cleaned up my butt and it leaked out

of my butt and I had to flick it with my thumb and it went back is that the one you meant no it's not why would I want to bring that up

on the podcast and just ruin everyone's whole day well you made their whole week and her whole week the dribble company no decaf decaf is definitely on there I was going to say something Well, you know, you made their whole week. Not her whole week. The Dribble company.

No. Decaf. All right. Decaf is definitely on there. I was going to say something. Was it the time when I... No more. This is the world's worst game show. Just shitty things you've done.

Was it the time? Accidentally. And I'm not going to finish my sentence. So Decaf is on the... Muggle corner. Absolutely. Muggles fake tan Like I don't Like tan

Like why You didn't go on holiday Just get tan Or don't be tanned Like I'm pasty as fuck I'm the whitest of the white Right That's why they call me cream

I'm a proper cracker like I'm white as fuck and sometimes you know I probably look better with a tan but I'm not gonna fucking

do it with like ugh I don't get it I don't understand it like it gives it gives the impression

you've been on hold doesn't it yeah it makes you look like money it's like you know in India they do the opposite

they do skin bleaching and they put cream on to lighten the skin because it makes them look wealthier because they haven't been outdoors in the sun oh yeah

I queued with a bottle of skin bleach in my hand because I thought I was trying to get some hand lotion and I got to the front of the queue

and I was like oh there's a skin bleaching agent fuck man I would have just went invisible I was a superhero in India

just scaling the rooftops did it all invisible that is an interesting fact about the agent. Fuck man, I would have just went invisible. I was a superhero in India. Just scaling the rooftops, doing it all invisible. There's an interesting fact about the ancient Greeks, which is sort of based on that, which is if you were pasty, it was a sign of wealth because you weren't working outside. So tan people, that was considered unattractive. So tan women was considered unattractive. And also

if you were obese, that was a sign of attractiveness because that means you were well-fed. So skinny, tan girls back in Greek days, right, were considered ugly. Tell you what, I would be an amazing wingman back in those days. Being like, just fucking, hey, Sparkus, Sparkus,

see that 32 stone? She's well-fed. She's well-fed. She's got tailbone and hips done. Yeah, and pasty as hell. Oh, man, I'll take one for the team hips down yeah and pasty as hell but i'll take one for the team i'll take one for the team i'll take that tan skinny girl oh no mate no no i know you yeah you do owe me one you do owe me one oh she's got a sister you know what i'll take them

off of your hands you know a couple of you're twisting my arm behind my back yeah it's your round next same thing with uh oh no well i don't know if that works as well for men because if you were a soldier was that a sign of if you were a soldier? back in the day, should you be tanned? no you're wearing armour, what's the question? you'd still wear little skirts and got the biceps out for the camera when they go to war don't they?

flexing? flexing to scare the enemies I would say fake tan any type of fake tan, whether it's spray or whether it's one where you cake your face what about the tanning beds no absolutely I used to jump on the tanning beds

I'll fucking bet you did did I man you're going to stand in the corner for a lot of this put me little things on me eyes what you want to

tan me pupil and I why you know I just fancied it little bit of colour on my cheeks

join me freckles up join me freckles I don't I just ginger as well it's like a torture device isn't it

for gingers the sunbed I just I don't understand any of it I don't know why you'd because

because it's like if it's the sun because it doesn't I don't think I don't think I would now like I haven't been on some bed in years but I think when I was younger

it was just vanity and also it was like kind of a done thing also I also fucking love a pasty chick like my type is ginger

I love not any of your fake redhead see if a proper Scottish ginger my ideal woman I love a tan oh no

the ginger the only woman that will ever take me off the market for life is a ginger with a Bristol accent. Cheers Drive. Oh, mate. Something about that accent. I don't run Weasley. No. Cheers Drive.

No, I used to know a bit about reading Harry Potter and that fucking Bristol accent. Harry Potter. I got the Harry Potter character. I was mixed up with the Lord of the Rings characters, didn't I? All right. Because they've got Bristol accents. All right. You're a wizard, Harry. I love the Bristol accent Harry Potter I got the Harry Potter character I was mixed up with the Lord of the Rings characters didn't I because they've got Bristol accents you're a wizard Harry I love the Bristol accent

do you have Harry Potter wizard accent Bristol accent come on my fucking tits would you that's not Harry Potter cheers drive oh

just do me do me right up me chuff oh I'd love that I would right up me shitter you'd like a ginger talking like that oh I'd love it mate

man you're in opposite world why you're in Greek times is that no you're me shitter you'd like a ginger token you like that I'd love it mate man you're in opposite world why you're in greek times is that no you're a ginger girl nothing wrong with a ginger ginger men are gross

yeah red are women yeah however I'd do like a little bit of dark skin you do god friends mixed race no

she's a decaf she's a decaf so is fake tan on the list are we agreed yes so at the moment with fake tan on the list? Have we agreed? Yes So at the moment With fake tan Doing karaoke

And what was the other one you said? Telling the weather To the guy at the station And the decaf So you're standing in the corner For a minute at the moment I've drank decaf as well Oh three

I didn't mean to Foot winked You got cheated I pretended that I was Pretended that I was pretended that I was alert and awake. Coming up fake coming up fucking

what's the word? Placebo. There you go. Placebo'd off me tits and decaf. What was your last one? Ironing the duvet. Who does that?

Who does that? Bellend. Who does that? People. Why? I remember my supervisor said there's nothing better than climbing into the bedroom

and ironing a duvet. Supervisor at work. People iron their duvets? It happens. What? Legit. Some people iron their boxers because to see what lies out at work. People iron their duvets? It happens. What? Some people iron their boxers because they like the crisp cleanest, I don't know. Some crisp boxers just come in them. Just get the ones from one of your mattresses.

Oh, yeah, I don't even need to discuss that any further. Yeah, if you've ever ironed, why? I don't, not the big bit. The duvet. The actual duvet, not the sheets. The sheets and the duvet? The actual duvet, not the sheets. The sheets and the duvet. The actual duvet. The duvet cover.

No, not the duvet, sorry. The duvet cover. Oh, the duvet cover. I thought you meant the fucking duvet. I know, before you burn it. But even duvet covers. The sheets. Oh, the duvet cover.

And your bed sheets. The fucking muggles. I just put mine in wet. I'm a bovard. Don't give a shit. Gonna wet them anyway Alright so let's go through those things So calmer runs not on the list until you do one

And you can decide if it's a mugger run Karaoke's on the list Doing fake tans on the list Does that count for me as sunbed? Yeah And your three words? Was mentioning the weather I've done that before Drinking decaf if I've never had a duvet I've got one minute in the corner Yeah. Okay. And your three words? Was mentioning the weather.

Yep. I've done that before. Drinking decaf. I've never had a duvet. I've got one minute in the corner. No, two minutes. Two minutes in the corner. I've got... I mean, I've done karaoke

because I was forced into it. That's brilliant. It's a joy to behold. It's fucking awful. I hate every second of it. It's torture. Just imagine how good that would be, watching Daniel Sloss

hating karaoke. Put yourself in that moment for a second Enjoy that Hate every second My nightmare is My nightmare is karaoke taxi Is that a thing? It totally is

It's absolutely a thing I would kill myself We are going to go into one of our favourite games Newphemisms where we decide that some things don't have basically all the euphemisms

for them are old and boring so we've come up with new ones so the new topics the new things we're coming up with newphemisms for are kissing

and anal sex you know those two things yeah they always come together mutually exclusive that's one or the other you either kiss now you have an anal

yeah that's it look if you're gonna kiss me don't let you put it on my hoop I'm not a slut if you put it in my shirt don't you fucking dare try to kiss me that escalated quickly

I mean you're just fucking me out that's the minute you're going no I'm kissing look I can't pucker up both ends at the same time

so we'll go for kissing first Yep I'll go first The puckering up before fuckering her up Oh god The Peruvian tongue dance Making a really long tube with an asshole at both ends Just think about it

are you is this kissing yeah yeah because from your butthole it's all the way up through your

the tubes oh yeah because we got told the other day like every person's like a donut shape everyone's a donut shape because the hole

in your mouth goes right the way through the hole in your butt yeah everyone's technically a donut like it goes a long way

through your intestines and shit but you've got a hole through you like a donut everyone's a flesh donut and then if you're kissing someone intestines and shit but you've got a hole through you like a donut everyone's a flesh donut and then if you're kissing someone

you're just a really long one with two buttholes at the end six male flesh donut six males it's not going to be males is it

how long is it between your mouth and your butt how long is a piece of string I mean since the last meal I ate in the last toilet

it was the 30 seconds Teasing the tonsils Making the funeral awkward Swap and spit Covering their lie hole With your pie hole The actions of a blind dentist

Oh you need a fillet Oh your baby's first tooth's come in Yeah you're gonna need new dentures Yeah Yeah you're going to need New dentures Feeding your baby bird Is that kissing done? Did you go first or did I? Do you not have a fifth one? I just had four

I'm a fucking lazy cunt I was so confident With the actions of a blind I was just scrambling A wee bit of paper Mic dropped Okay now Newphemisms for anal sex You go first confident with the actions of a blade. Just scribbling me with a paper. Mic dropped. Okay, now,

newphemisms for anal sex. You go first. The Peruvian poo dance. Poking the turtle's head back in its shell. Scaring the turtle. Downsizing your house. Measuring in inches How much they really love you Earning jewellery Getting the shitty end of the dick

Standing on the bin bags You know when your bin's too full You stand on the bin bags turning the brown star into a black hole the prison is welcome good euphemisms use them I've got one more

making a fudge sundae with cream wink that's funny I've wrote making a fudge sundae with m Wink That's funny I've wrote Making a fudge sundae with muggins That was my fifth kissing one Alright and to close the show As always

Your dad jokes where me and Kai rip each other's dads to shreds I'll go first Your dad has his own Salt lick in the back garden Your dad chipped his tooth while chewing his face off on Meow Meow. Your dad wears your mum's strap on on his head and pretends to be a unicorn

and tries to grant the wishes of all the kids in the street, but never succeeds because they all wish he would stop. Your dad clucks like a chicken At his friends When they don't want to kiss him Do you just want to do

A proven tongue dance? Your dad slides down The stairs on his bum When he hears the postman Delivering readers digest Your dad puts margarine On his biscuits Your dad got splintersine on his biscuits.

Your dad got splinters on his tongue because he saw a door that said pool on it and he went to town. Your dad put the kettle through the kitchen window when he had road rage. Your dad wears condoms on his hands when he swims because he thinks they make him swim faster. Flavours the pool water.

Pool water, bubblegum flavour. Because Martin's been swimming. Flavour in the pool water, that's another euphemism for anal sex. Flavour in the pool water. When the collection tray goes around the church, your dad taps the bottom of it to make it sound like he's dropped coins in. And one time he put in a trolley dad taps the bottom of it to make it sound like he's dropped coins in and won't even put in a trolley token fuck you

that could be another euphemism for anal sex is thumbing in the trolley token thumbing in the trolley token aye smart decision your dad said

boo to a goose and lost an eye him and Rick it's an intensive care together your dad makes motorbike noises When he cycles to work Your dad cuts out and laminates Every picture of Philip Schofield's eyes

That he can find He might like this leaf that I've just bought Your dad catfished your 15 year old brother Your dad hollows out pumpkins with his teeth Your dad used to test drive cars to pick him from school Your dad's last album was just him making whale noises Your dad gets on his tiptoes to look in the next door's garden Your dad grinds his tiptoes To look in the next door's garden Your dad grinds his kids

When he sleeps They got it bad Right let's go through The tour dates So we are in Europe We're in Poland tonight But you've missed that No you've missed that

You fucking idiots So we're going to Stockholm now So yeah If you're listening now We are in Transit to Stockholm now so yeah if you're listening now we are in transit to Stockholm tonight on the 20th of October

we'll be in Stockholm Sweden on the 21st of October we'll be in Ljubljana Slovenia there's two shows because you guys

are so incredible we have to put two shows on so thank you very much for that please sell out the second show Stockholm up your fucking

game cans I will cut all of your throats then 22nd of October we are in Rijeka Croatia and then on the 23rd of October we are in Split

Croatia and then 24th of October Zagreb Croatia another place we have to do two shows because you guys are so great and then 25th of October

Brussels in Belgium 26th of October Ghent in Belgium and 27th Antwerp, Belgium and there will be another podcast, probably another two in that time.

So please come out and see us live. And thank you to Veroclav last night who were a fucking superb crew. Yeah, Chris and Jim who done the groundwork and everything for the gig, for the splendid work. Let's come back there let's put that on the

wish list for next year we'll absolutely be back and in Sweden is your second name Fite in Swedish? No, Norway Slosses Norway

Slosses Daniel Fite Daniel Fite and a little wimp comes on it's been ironic so yeah if you want to know the two audits

go on my website www.kaihumphreys.com all of the two audits are on there from now until Altitude Festival woohoo oh yeah

absolutely come to Altitude it's like 8 weeks time Altitude you've got time to fucking sort your life out and come along save up some money

and come to the greatest festival in the world which is in Meyerhofen in Austria yes and keep enjoying our podcast please share it and

rate it and also buy my special on USB. Yeah, and for all the tickets you can also go on my website, iansloss.co.uk or.com. I can never fucking remember. It's also on Twitter and Facebook. Download, share, you know the drill. Love you, Cants. Talk to you on

Thursday. No, today's Thursday. Talk to you Monday. Yeah, Monday. Talk to you Monday. Love ya.