Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.7 Origins

Episode Date: October 24, 2016

From a hotel in Zagreb the boys talk about their visit to Tesla's home and applaud his contribution to the world of electricity before experiencing a power cut. Tune in to hear their origin stories as told by each-other and 100% factually accurate.  

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

All right, we are recording. How are you doing? Back live in your ears. How you doing, muggins? But not live, unless you're eavesdropping. Which would be weird, considering we're on the ninth floor on a hotel in Zagreb. But then again, you probably are our most committed fan, so good on you. Yep, thanks for listening.

We're in Zagreb, Croatia. We've been to Rijeka, Ljubljana. Where were we last time we spoke to them? I think we were in Sweden? No, no, we were in Warsaw. So after Warsaw, we went to Stockholm. We've got a lot to talk about. We went to Stockholm, then we went to Ljubljana.

Hold on, let me retrace that. We went from Poland to Sweden, which meant I went from being really good-looking in Poland to being really hideously unattractive in Sweden.

I mean, that is a massive insult to everyone in Poland. I went from being rich, I was like the Messiah in Poland. I was rich, I was fucking gorgeous.

You were standing beside me, you looked like a before and after photo of a fucking car crash. It was gorgeous and wadded in Poland. I was a fucking baller.

Not standing for lies. And then I went to Sweden and it looked like I'd been in a car traffic accident. I couldn't afford a pint. I was like, I want to go back to Poland. I'm not having it. I thought you were attractive.

I was like a fucking god. I was like the fucking, you know, off Madagascar. Sasha Baron Cohen's Lima. I was like him. Fucking the Polish people. I was a Polish man's god you absolutely were not

none of this none of this is true oh man I've fucking had all of my own teeth yeah yeah and then you lost them when you started saying

that you were the most attractive man in Poland oh which actually the fucking most attractive man in Poland was fucking Chris who was looking after us

I had such a mind push on that guy like Kaujulium was also sexy it was this podcast fucking Chris who was looking after us I had such a mind push on that guy like Julian was also sexy it was this podcast I mean that's how bad the women were in Poland and by how bad

we mean how not interested mind you there was that one Polish girl because sometimes I've got a game with girls and if you've turned that microphone off

I'll slit your fucking throat I'm just checking I'm just meticulous it's ridiculous conspicuous nope And if you've turned that microphone off I'll slit your fucking throat I'm just checking I'm just meticulous It's Ridiculous Conspicuous Nope Yeah Sometimes I'm good with girls

And then sometimes I'm not And there was a girl Who in hindsight Who in like five days hindsight Was probably DTF The one that kept coming down

Sitting next to you? When? We were in a bar. Oh, no, not that one. There was one on the way out. You know how sometimes when you go to... And this is no offence to anyone in Britain, but you will take offence to it because it is an insult,

but I figure saying no offence at the start... Fucking slut. No, no, not slut. But compared to Europe, rancid. And it also goes for men, I think. But sometimes you go to bits in Europe and you see, like this girl was just so hard. I was just like, oh, you're the most beautiful thing

that's ever fucking existed in the world. And then... Maybe as well, you may be having that deprivation thing where girls are starting to get more attractive because you're starting to get more and more celibate. I wouldn't like to be in your shoes actually. Mate, mate, mate. You act like you've had,

like what, you've got fucking Natalie in your bag or something. What? I've had sex way more recently than you have. Well, it's the thing is I'm not like,

I'm not pursuing it. I'm not pursuing it. You're in a position where like, I know you're, I've got nothing to prove. I've got nothing to prove. But it's a difficult position

to be in because just as you like break the ice with a girl you're fucking moving on to the next town so you've got to be chewing I've got nothing to prove but it's a difficult position to be in because just as you like break the ice with a girl you're fucking moving on to the next town so you've got to be chewing your

dick off at this point at least I'm just fucking marily marily rolling my board gently down the stream get home

gently down the cream muggins and muggins and muggins and muggins and gently down the cream

no like something I don't know like don't give it up there are some beautiful Muggins and muggins and muggins and muggins. Gently down the cream. No. I don't know. Don't get me wrong. There are some beautiful... Gently down the cream just sounds like a slowly chugging cream. Yeah, it should. It's a big bottle of cream. Megan.

The worst tag too. Gently down the... Gently downing it. All right. So, yeah, we've had a lot of fun. Thank you to everyone who came. Also, you guys have set a very bad precedent because for the last two podcasts,

we were shouting at Stockholm in Sweden for not selling any fucking tickets. And then we turned out and you can't sold it out. So buy my fucking USB stick, guys. £10 each. Fucking mugs. Trying to save up for an engagement ring. And that's how Natalie found out.

She just said yes while driving along in her car. We're engaged now. Man, that would be a funny way to do it. I do also... What was the line I said to you the other day? When's the day that you're going to bite the bullet, stand in front of Natalie, get down on one knee,

and then get down on the other one, and fucking beg her. Because that's what it's going to take. A day to marry. A double day. Today's not, not, not, not, not opposite day. Will you marry me?

She's got to work out all the double negatives. No trick here Got you So thank you to Sweden who sold out Thank you to Libyana You guys absolutely sold out both shows Shout out to Rickard who met us

In Sweden With a bottle of fireball Like a fucking asshole And we played Cards Against Humanity Cyanide and Happiness version It's essentially Cards Against Humanity Cyanide and Happiness version. It's essentially Cards Against Humanity. Yeah.

Cyanide and Happiness version. Yeah. It's called... Copyright laws. No, it's just a card game. It is that. It's just a card game. It's the same as...

What's it called? It's called Cyanide and Fucking Against Humanity. No, it's called Joking Hazard. Joking Hazard. Joking Hazard. We're plugging something that's awesome

that's nothing to do with us. Go buy Joking Hazard. Have a lot of fun with your friends. Download's awesome that's nothing to do with us. Go buy Joking Hazard. Have a lot of fun with your friends. Download the shots of Fireball, get fucked up, and then have a 4.30 lobby call for the airport. What the fuck is that shit?

Mind you, do you know Fireball was illegal in places in Europe for a while? Not the drink? Yeah. No, the Fireballs. The Molotov cocktails are illegal in most places, Daniel.

I thought you were going to be like, no, meteors are banned Like whenever they come down It's like Hi Hi No no no No no

Fireball was Outlawed in A lot of parts of the EU Because they found Traces of Like WD-40 in it Oh really Aye

A nice lubricant Aye I recommend it Social lubricant Social lubricant And a little bit of lubricant. Can we also get on to while we were in Stockholm, you without a doubt being one of the dumbest,

and I've seen you been dumb, we've seen each other be dumb several times. Yeah. What I would like to bring up is your level of stupidity was, sometimes when we go to new places, we don't know whether our British jokes are going to translate. We need to make sure there are references that translate across the...

Yeah, but it feels like there is no stupid question because I'll go like, do you call it Bluetooth in Sweden? I want to do a joke where I mention... In your head it sounds like there's no stupid question, but to... It's definitely worth asking because I asked like,

there was a question that I asked where I got told that they didn't have that. I was like, oh, that's a good job I asked. Yeah, yeah. That was like, we were asking about the AA, whether they had the RAC. We'll say the tow truck, but we wouldn't say the RAC. And I'm like, cool, so I'll just pull that back, just so they know what I'm talking about. And then I asked about

do you have the star signs over here? Do they have the same, as if they've got a different skyline? Like, do you know how space works? Well, I just like... Like,'s just like How are they going to have different Well it's like China's got a different calendar Is that the same moon Is that the other side of the moon

Have we gone far enough around the planet Yeah but star signs are just made up anyway We've already fucking covered this That they're all just fucking nonsense They're not going to draw the same conclusion That fucking Capricorns are feisty Just because the stars are positioned in Capricorns are feisty just because the stars are positioned

in a particular way so that might just like as far as I know I'm like is that just a British fad and I'm really insular and think the whole world is doing this fucking nonsense

you think the 3000 year old star signs are a British fad well I know the constellations are always there but the fucking did you not mean

the constellations no I meant like fucking horoscopes because I've got a bit about horoscopes I see I thought you were talking no maybe you're not as stupid but that's not no that's not the constellations no I meant like fucking horoscopes because I've got a bit about horoscopes I see I thought you were talking no maybe you're not

as stupid but that's not no that's not the bit when I'm a dummy here is one of my favourite interactions I will be playing both parts

because it's just funny I mean even though I'm here I could play me I still didn't get the role I mean I auditioned for it Hollywood's tough

we've wrote this part for Kai Humphries you know Buster Rames no Buster Keaton Buster Charlie Chaplin Charlie Chaplin

auditioned to be Charlie Chaplin in the Charlie Chaplin movie and Buster Rames got it so Kai's got a joke for those of you that aren't from

the UK there's an advert in the UK called Compare the Meerkat. And what Compare the Meerkat is, is there's basically a company called CompareTheMarket.com. Which compares insurance. Which compares insurance. For car insurance. And they've come up with a hilarious idea that there is also a website called Compare the Meerkat, who is run by a guy called Alexander something. Alexander the Meerkat, who's run by a guy called Alexander something. Alexander the Meerkat. And he gets annoyed that people keep coming to comparethemerecat.com instead of comparethemarket.com.

Because he's getting all the traffic of people looking for great deals when he's just really comparing meerkats. But he's just comparing meerkats. So this is obviously a very British ad for it. And Kai, while asking Rickard all these stupid questions, you have the same sour signs, you have the same months. Is my name Kai over here? Which is Harba. My name is Harbabour i'm harbour humphries in sweden you're daniel fight harbour humphries harbour humphries i know we've got the raw end of the deal then muggins and cream

uh and uh yeah you were like do you have they compared the miracle advert here and i was like no you fucking idiot that's a stupid question you're like no it's not a stupid question i'm like why would they have a British advert in Sweden? And you said, well, they've got it in Australia. And I said, I was like, oh, I didn't know that fact. I was like, oh, do they? You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no. So they've got the little meerkat plush toys.

They sell them over there. And I, as a joke, said, are you sure that wasn't just a meerkat toy? And then you went silent for three seconds and said. It wasn't the zoo. It wasn't the gift meerkat toy. And then you went silent for three seconds and said... It wasn't the zoo. It wasn't the gift shop of the zoo. But it's just like, because the meerkat teddy had clothes on, I just instantly was like, ah, it's Alexander and cool. You're a fucking moron.

Well, we did my research and it turned out they did have that website there. Did they? Did they have Conferred America Yes Someone googled it Oh it might have been a dream Someone did look that up Were we with anyone

British in Sweden No It was just us I feel like someone Right Never mind Muggle that up On Muggleopedia

Muggle it up You muggles Oh we can get We'll go into Muggle Corner later But just We need to remind each other We had a fucking Mugly day today

And not as But Facebook was Oh it was super muggly Oh Jesus We could probably save it For Muggle Corner Because I've got something That will connect

With that anyway Like Today on Facebook We're so bad muggle wise I'm probably going to have a call soon Well did you see What I started doing Well actually You did because Yeah we'll get onto that With Muggle Corner later The one thing we We should still go about the tour Is Facebook was so bad Mugga wise I'm probably going to have a call soon well did you see what I started doing well actually

you did because yeah we'll get on to that with Mugga the one thing we should still go about the tour is today we went to so we were meant to

be doing a gig in Split in Croatia and I didn't sell enough tickets so they decided to pull it about a week ago

which meant it was a new venue that they put on we've never done Split before and it's like it's nice because in Zagreb we've

built and built to the point, and Ljubljana, where they've sold out the first show, which is twice the capacity of last year. And then they're starting to fill up a second show. So they took a punt on a new town. But it's like starting from scratch. Yeah, so we didn't get to go to Split. So we had the day off.

And for some reason, Nino and Natasha, the two people, the lovely people who run the gigs over here, felt bad for like they tried everything they could like radio competitions and billboards and everything so as uh an apology I mean it doesn't help that on your poster you just look like a bad magician yeah like I sort of feel like sometimes they like like in the fringe it works because people look at the post and go oh there's Daniel Sloss but you know like it just looks like you're a fucking two-bit snooker

player just to then your waistcoat rubbing your hands together like a pleb. No, just getting the chalk off my hands. So we took a two-hour detour to go to Nikola Tesla's house. Now, I'm obviously a big fan of old Nikolai. I have a tattoo of him on my right shoulder. And if you don't know who Nikola Tesla is, he's how basically you're hearing his name. Most things in modern day stem from, electronically, from the great work that he did.

Yeah, he revolutionized electricity with all the current, and he's... Oh, but we watched this really shit documentary. There's a really cool bit where we go in and he's got the Tesla coil, and Nikola Tesla invented wireless electricity. So there's a Tesla coil, and then you get to hold a light bulb,

and that light bulb's just in your hand, and you can stand like 10 feet away from the Tesla coil, and the light just, you're not touching anything apart from the light, the light goes on, which is very impressive. And then we watched a fucking shit-ass documentary,

which was made in like 1985. It was the worst. Oh. Considering he was at the cutting edge of technology all the way through his existence, and then have this like 70s documentary at his birthplace, in his home. It was like, edge of technology all the way through his existence and then have this like seventies documentary at his, at his birthplace and his home.

It was like, do you remember all the, like when in, in primary school when you just had the oldest shit is fucking, it was like, look around you. If you've ever seen the parody YouTube clips, look around you.

If you haven't Google that shit, like pause this, Google that, watch it. Cause look around you is fucking amazing. And, uh, it was,

but it's, it's a, it's a piss take of that type of documentary. And this was an earnest version of that type of documentary. And it was in Croatian, and the subtitles were in English, but it was very poorly translated. And it just got into weird parts of his history. So Nikola Tesla, not always a bright boy, tried to jump off his roof with an umbrella,

because he thought he could fly. Damaged his head a little bit, and the guy was speculating that this is what made him a genius. Spoiler alert. It wasn't. You fucking idiot. But then they were really vague about his older brother who was a genius.

Dane. He's called Dane. His older brother died when he was quite young. 12 years old. Yeah, they got like a family horse. When Nikola Tesla was five? Yeah, they were like, so Nikola's talking about,

they're all talking about Nikola Tesla had this older brother and they had a family horse and there was an accident with the horse Nikola Tesla. Saw the whole thing and his brother died and it traumatized him.

But they never... And even 50 years later he has vivid flashbacks of the trauma with the horse. But they never, like, obviously he was trampled, right? That's obviously what happened. But they didn't say that. They didn't say trampled.

They left it so vague that halfway through. They didn't say he fell off it. They didn't say he fell off it. They were just like, an accident with a horse. And I'm like, you'd either say he fell off of it, you'd either say he got trampled, unless it was too embarrassing. What happened with that horse? Horse fucked him to death. Horse fucked him to death.

That's the rumour we're spreading. Nicholas, Nicholas, was fucked to death by a horse and that's why he was such a genius because he was doing everything he could to get electricity so he could make a television

and he could have a distraction from the vivid memories of his brother getting fucked to death by a horse. So he could, yeah, so he could invent electricity so he could get the internet

so we could all watch women getting fucked by horses. He wanted the world to experience what he'd experienced oh and the bad translation on the video as well so there was this bit about like how he might have banged his head and uh picked up epilepsy which i don't know if you can get epilepsy by banging your head but this fucking 70s psychologist was saying that he might have epilepsy from banging his head and then said um epilepsy's common in nymphomaniacs. And it came up on the translation, nymphomaniacs. And we were like, I think he means narcoleptics.

Because he followed it with, like, as they fall asleep without realising. So it's narcolepsy that he's talking about. But he said nymphomaniacs. And we were with Natasha and Nino, who are Croatian. I was like, the translation said nymphomaniacs. And he went, no, no, he said nymphomaniacs. This guy in Croatian just went,

oh, epilepsy is common in nymphomaniacs. Yeah, because epilepsy he said nymphomaniacs this guy in creation just went oh the epilepsy is common in nymphomaniacs yeah because epilepsy is like something you can't control nymphomaniac as far as i'm aware is like yeah you want to do it but like when you're an arcolytic you just fall asleep without knowing you're about to fall you just go you're whatever nymphomaniac the way he was talking about suggestions i think the fucking horse might have an epilepsy imagine having epilepsy based nymphomaniac he's just like I'm going into a seizure

lock up your children lock up your daughters they're easier to fucking cages lock up your muggles oh man we shouldn't get onto Muggle Corner just yet we will get onto Muggle Corner but yet. We will get onto Muggle Corner. It was what we play.

But we had a tweet asking us to get into our first... Someone on Twitter asked if we could tell the origin story of our friendship. And we thought that was funny. We will get to that. But we also thought it would be funny if we wrote each other's origin stories. Yeah, so this is going to be one of our games. Yeah, this is... Oh, yeah, I don't know if we can do it.

We might be able to repeat it if you guys enjoy it. We can just make up new origins. Yeah. Do you want to go first, or should I go first? I'll go first if you want. So this is the origin story of me, Daniel Sloss, as told by Kai Humphries. All right, Daniel Sloss origins.

When Daniel's virgin mother was pregnant, her and her gullible husband sought shelter, but were continually told there was no room at the inn. Eventually they were offered a place to stay in a nearby stable. This might sound like the second coming of Jesus, but just remember this was in East Fife in 1990. This is more of a story of gypsies than the Messiah. Once Daniel was born, a German shepherd licked him clean,

and his mum bit the umbilical cord off with her remaining teeth. Even when three random men turned up to the stable bearing gifts, Daniel's gullible dad, let's call him stepdad, still didn't ask any questions. Daniel was a sickly child. He was meek, and lame, and gaunt, and anemic, and frail, and a quivering pussy. Daniel was afraid of many things, like people, and animals, in a slight gust of wind. He'd often burst into tears and wouldn't stop crying until he fainted or vomited. This went on for many, many years and in fact still happens today. The hardest time in Daniel's life was his 16th birthday when his mother tried to wean him off breastfeeding. During this failed attempt by

his mother, she succumbed to his need for her bosom because of the grave concern that he might starve to death without it. Whenever Daniel's mum had to leave their barn to earn money on the corner, the only way Daniel's... With the corner shop, yeah? Yeah, she worked at the corner shop. She was the corner shop.

Fucking customer. The only way Daniel's dad could stop Daniel from crying was to offer his own nipple as a surrogate breast. Daniel would suckle on his stepdad's pecs for hours at a time, content with the placebo milk to fulfill his needs. The only time Daniel would leave his parents' breasts alone was when he found stand-up comedy. His thirst for milk was actually just a thirst for undivided attention,

and being on stage provided for this narcissistic craving. Shortly after Daniel found comedy as an alternative for his mother's teat and his stepdad's hairy placebo, peck milk, he met his role model and mentor, Kai Humphries, who introduced him to things like independence and not being a whingy little moody bitch. These were alien concepts to Daniel, but recently Daniel crossed the road by himself without holding his mum's hand,

which was groundbreaking progress. Daniel is now 26 years old and has yet to meet a girl that is compatible with his apparent Oedipus complex. That's probably true, yeah. Okay, here's your origin story. I cannot wait. In November of 1982, Lord Kevin Humphreys of Sunderland...

Oh! Oh! Lord Kevin Humphreys of Sunderland was having an overfilled cream cheese bagel. The sight of the white gunk secreting out of the nutty brown hole aroused him immensely, and he promptly had sex with his wife. After 15 minutes of eye-contactless sex, he faked an orgasm, out of the nutty brown hole aroused him immensely and he promptly had sex with his wife. After 15 minutes of eye contactless sex he faked an orgasm but more impressively

after 9 months Linda Humphries faked a child. He was originally meant to be called, he was originally meant to be named Kyle but the birth certificate off his charge is by the letter and his family couldn't afford the extra letters due to his mother's crippling wishing well addiction.

Which I hadn't afforded. So she named him Kai, and spent the extra penny wishing him dead. After an uneventful childhood of being used as the child they used to wean paedophiles off children, like the methadrone

for nonsense. Kai was encouraged to join military school in the hopes he'd honour his family by being caught by friendly fire. On that day, Kai Black Santa Emoji Humphreys became the youngest ever person to accidentally walk into a WH Smith

thanks to his wobbly eye. He was hired on the spot. He worked there for seven years when suddenly one fateful Thursday he was bitten by a radioactive muggle. He was imbued with super muggle powers allowing him to come up with conversations so tedious he is unheard by human ears. Allowing him to walk into banks and rob them just by loudly talking about his day his favourite crochet patterns and commenting on how much battery life people have left when they

post screenshots from their phone on Facebook Oh God And then you found comedy Is that my origin? Do you know the origin of my name? So my mam... Wayne Rooney No that's Wayne Rooney. No, that's...

Wayne Rooney's child was born after... Yeah, but you were called Stephen Cooley five years ago. He was named after his dad. So my mum was reading a book when she was at Preggers, and the book was a Mills and Boone book, which is like kind of softcore porn. I think it is. I've never read a Mills and Boone book,

but I'm aware that it's like sex stories and stuff, is it not? I don't know. Muggle that up on Mugglepedia. So my mum was reading a Milton Boone book where the boy in this love story was called Kai and the girl was called Amy. And if I was a girl, I would have been called Amy.

If I'm a boy, I'm going to be called Kai. What they failed to mention was the boy in the book was Chinese. I don't even have to... Chinese porn star. In the Wilson Boone book. So wait, your mum was frigging herself while she was pregnant?

Eh? She induced it. It's premature. It's premature. Strumming is so hard she opened the gates early. I don't know how pregnancy works. Oh and as well, the name Kai, so we've mentioned it means how about in Sweden. Here in Zagreb,

it means what? No. So when people go, what's your name? And I say Kai, they say, what's your name? Kai.

And I say Kai, and they say, what's your name? And I struggle to use Kai. I mean, you could just say, my name's Kai and end it instantly.

My name is what? My name is what? My name is what, what in the butt? Kai, Kai, in the butt. I said, Kai, Kai, in the butt. I want to do it in the butt, in my butt. I want to what What in the butt Kai Kai In the butt I said Kai Kai In the butt

I want to do it in the butt In my butt I want to do it in the butt Oh yeah I said Kai Kai In the butt I want to know Kai love it

Oh god Right So we've had a pretty Mugly You Because of your Facebook Basically You accept Oh, God. Right, so we've had a pretty... Mark Lee, because of your Facebook, basically you accept most friend requests on Facebook because of your crippling need to be loved. Yeah, I don't really use my like page

because I find that when I was posting the blogs on the first two hours and when I used to post stuff online, I set up a like page and I post on that and it'll get a couple of hits, but then I post them on a real page and it gets loads of hits because the like page is hard to try and get you to boost and it'll get like a couple of hits but then i posted on my real page and it gets loads of hits because the like pages are to try and get you to boost your posts and shit like that so i'm like oh that's like a business they want to get money off you so i just thought well i'm not that private anyway with any of my life and i just thought i'll just accept

every friend request i come through and i ended up like hitting five five thousand i completed facebook got xbox achievement points and then every time someone adds you now they become a follower so my my thingy page my actual personal page

is more of a like page so I'll get a lot of them in the end comments that you may get on YouTube videos and today was just the fucking worst yeah what I've done

is because there's so many muggly comments on my status and now like it's nice it doesn't mean they're bad people you know I interact and i enjoy the friends but enjoy people in there and actually know a lot of them and went to school with them and stuff comments are muggle based people like i hang out with some i don't have their numbers in my phone but the people i get along with but the the inane chat is just getting excruciating so i thought it would be good if we

got a muggle stamp so i was looking for a muggle stamp and then you found something that was because we're typing muggle stamp so you could like stamp it as certified muggle but you found a postage stamp that had muggle post written on it

which is so perfect because muggle post is the thing that's posted on Facebook so what I've done now is I've got this muggle stamp and if ever I think anything's muggly

on my Facebook I'm just going to put the muggle stamp on it but the worst thing is I feel really bad because one of our comedian friends put a comment where we've already discussed this as a muggly on my facebook i'm just gonna put the muggle stamp on it but the worst thing is i feel really bad because one of our comedian friends put a comment where we've already discussed this is a muggly thing is if you point out something in the photo that's not to do with

the photo jesus yeah and i put muggle post on hers and i'm like she is the least muggly she is such a fucking cool creative person and i put the muggle stamp on i was like ah god that's bad yeah so as if you've listened to the podcast before you know muggle basically is me and kai's derogatory term that we use uh to describe something just plain and boring and tedious and doesn't even be said and it is the stuff like muggles comment on like your battery life whenever you post a screenshot they're like oh you need to charge your phone or you're on 20 you don't have chargers where you muggle muggle to fuck do you know when i was there so i was in this competition i didn't get through where you were trying to get like a video to get as many hits as you can.

And I found out that when a video gets commented on on Facebook, that goes towards the buzz of the video, so it counts as a vote if it gets commented on. So I waited until my battery went down to 1%, and then I screenshotted it and put it on the thing, so that every time someone commented on my battery life, I got votes. Because I was so certain that muggles would comment on my battery life that i just thought i'm just going to convert them it's just going to go a thousand times also if there's any graphic

designers out there we're just using the uh muggle post thing because we found that image on face uh on google you can google uh muggle stamp it's the second image it's a stamp with an o on it that says muggle post feel free to use that in your everyday life if anyone comments something extremely Muggle-y on your Facebook post and it can be a little private joke that we all have but if any graphic designers

out there want to design us a Muggle stamp that we can just because we're using it now it's the funnest thing in the world it's the best way

to shoot down comments of just inane tediousness and you just go if you can put a stamp on it like you would certified Muggle what was one today

we got a photo beside Nikola Tesla and he's holding he's holding a sphere that's split in two and that's because there was a theory he claimed that he could

invent something that could split the world in two split the world in two or he could harness the energy to split the world in two now I made a very funny comment that he was holding two halves because his favourite movie

was Monty Python and the Holy Grail and he was acting his favourite scene when they do the Monty Python and the Holy Grail and he was acting his favourite scene when they do the coconut thing which actually was bringing massive

flashbacks from the horse and then someone underneath was just like guys wearing headphones like what's with the earphones

oh my god what's with the headphones thing the headphones I don't know what to say like I hate people is this in your muggle corner by the What's the headphones thing? The headphones? I don't know what to say. Like, I hate people.

Is this in your muggle corner, by the way, this thing? The guy who wrote it, I've actually picked up a handful of things that he's wrote and I'm going to use him as an example. That's not actually one of them. That's not actually one of the things because that was just a... That's just a bonus muggle thing. If you ever comment on inane stuff in the background or the side of pictures and try and make something

if you make it funny and it's actually funny good on you but just be more civil yeah like if you if you spot something like a fucking ghost at a window

or something like that and you're like oh my god what the fuck's that and then you're like you're pointing out something that you might not have spotted

but if you're just going what's with the headphones I'm wearing headphones they're on my neck because I've got fucking wireless headphones on I'm not going to just put them down somewhere

I'm not going to just put them down somewhere. I'm not going to carry them around in my hand and just use one of my fucking carrying devices. Or hands. As they're more commonly called. Just be encumbered. You just keep your headphones around your neck when they're not on, right? Benedict Encumberbatched.

It's a shame we don't edit this podcast. Just that bit. Nah, singers. Don't question this podcast Just that bit Nah, singers Nah, don't question it Just let them roll Right, do you want to do your first Michael Korn Or should I do it? I feel like I'm still angry at the headphones comment Oh, it is fucking

It's like I mean Yeah, let's move on Alright Right So I'm going to use this guy as my example So he's the guy that commented on And if you're listening

Take a long hard look in the mirror Yes Andrew Chester Andrew Chester Like fucking lovely dude I went to school with this guy He was very academic He was the fucking

Like he was really good At subjecting stuff But He commented on a lot of my stuff And I don't want to discourage him From doing it Because I get along with the dude Which is higher quality control

But this I'm going to use him as an example From muggles swing and miss with humor without realizing it's like there's no there's no like so there's a couple of things that so today i mentioned about the people that like my statuses when i'm in croatia there's no vowels in their name so i just put like a fake name we're like right and uh he just went that guy would be minted scrabble so that was his like quick like little bit of banter

little pun and I was like well it's not even a joke it's like he wouldn't be good at Scrabble because you can't play your own well you don't just

go into the back and pull out the letters from your name and then pick out letters that would be hard to use in Scrabble and also you can't play names in Scrabble

yeah you can't play it's not a joke no it's not anything you're just making us read something I'm like oh there you're just making us read something I'm like oh there's like

I could have read something else it's the worst thing about being a comic and there's very few things about being a comic is I know and it's not all the time

I'm very lucky for it very rarely happens but you post something funny and then somebody there one explains your joke back to you because they don't get it

there's a great Twitter page called I think you've accidentally made the joke they point out what you're doing and you're like oh stop or they just jump in

and be like oh it's kind of shut up so another one that he did is someone posted this thing you know the Zorb balls Zorb that you roll down a hill inflatable balls

you can do like five a side with them well someone amalgamated that with like a bull ring so the bulls are just going around smashing these people in the Zorb balls and he wrote

seems like a load of bull to me. Oh, Tondalweed the fuck off. It's not even a dad joke. It's not even a joke. It's like, you know, I read John Ronson's The Psychopath Test. I read a bit of it. I didn't complete the book,

but there was a bit that he was talking about psychopaths don't know how to cry, so when they want to do the emotion of crying, the pretend to cry they'll do like a pretend of crying. It's like these fucking swing and miss with humour muggles are like

doing what they think humour looks like. Yeah, it's like monkey see monkey do. Just to take it out because I don't want to stick all this shit to Chester. I just used him as an example because I've seen it quite prolifically the last couple of days. He's having a bad weekend. Must be a full moon. But our agent done one today wait hold on hold on let me do let me do one you said it must be a full moon is that why he's coming out with so many howlers you're a lunatic those are actually jokes I take it back my joke

was excellent so there's a thing that's happening at the minute where fucking one of our friends Dave Johns is a fucking Hollywood movie star all's a thing that's happening at the minute where fucking one of our friends, Dave Johns, is a fucking Hollywood movie star all of a sudden. He's went from being a fucking circuit stalwart on the comedy scene, headlining clubs, to he's in I, Daniel Blake, which got released on the 21st of October. Fucking looks like a brilliant movie.

Yeah, Ken Loach movie. This is just another plug. It's a great movie about how Australia has fucked the country. It looks so important. We're in Croatia, we looked it up, it's not on anywhere. We don't want to download it

illegally because it's my pal's movie so anyway there's a lot of hype about that in the UK I'm enjoying all the Facebook buzz and John Fothergill

started off this funny thing where he started doing puns on I Daniel Blake so he'd done something like there's a place called Manual Lake and he showed you the screen cap of the map

and he was like I Manual Lake so then you guys bought me a happy 8th birthday cake yesterday because it was my my eighth comedy birthday i said no again not we i was me a cake i did not did not buy a cake adorable no i did not buy a cake i will not be i did not do anything nice for you and i refuse that is fucking slanderous i was told before i went on stage go on at the end don't duck fix you fucking cunt. It's like you're lucky this is a podcast

because you just missed the worst pound you've ever seen in your life. I just nearly done the Zorro clip. Surprised the fucking common... Your friend. Well, when I blew out that candle, Daniel, I wished that you would continue not to get late. So Daniel bought me a cake. I did not.

And then I posted the picture of me and the cake on and said, said I annual cake Good joke Which rhymes with I Daniel Blake So Marlena Our agent come on with I piss take Declined They don't write

Because both things have got to rhyme It just didn't work Muggle corner Oh absolutely yeah Comment Really read through your joke Really give it It just didn't work. You just, Muggle Corner? Muggle, oh absolutely, yeah. Comment, really read through your joke. Really give it,

it's like writing an angry letter, right? Write the letter out and then give it an hour. Right, settle down. Go back to your joke. See if it's fucking funny. It would probably be funnier,

right? I know you'd like, you just want to chip in and have a little bit of banter and you've seen other people doing it. You want to give it a go. It would be better for me if you just put like,

in them, you know the brackets that are like a V-shape what are them brackets called brackets that are like angular just put them and then put insert joke here oh yeah because that's all you're doing yeah you're just spewing out a joke that doesn't make anything and you're doing it prolifically guys so just put insert joke here or just like just stop just spend a little bit longer thinking about it oh yeah no i hate No, I hate, I hate. Because it's not even dad jokes. Like, I love some shitty, shitty dad jokes.

Yeah. Some of them make me fucking real. They're great. Aye. It just needs to be all the component parts have got to be there, I guess. Like, yeah, the key to a good dad joke is it's got to be so bad it's good. Your jokes are just so bad, they're bad. Like, they're just, yeah.

But, like, I guess, like like you know it's the the written word like does it no favors as well because you could get a laugh off you go oh i manual lake i i annual cake and then someone goes i piss take and puts a tone of voice on it to make it look like a telegraph from the joke on purpose so then it puts an extra layout of what they're doing so you like you can do a purposeful swing and a miss and that could add some I mean I don't think that's what they're trying to do

I wouldn't know because I've never had a joke that's failed so I mean there's been a few on this podcast I would love someone to just edit together

your failed jokes I reckon well it would be a very short podcast I'm not sure well I reckon yours would be longer I come out with some

it's just a tough crowd Moody Moody Gromit kills Tony right that's definitely right so if you comment shit fucking comments on Facebook things go stand in the corner

you know what I'm allowed to drop the ball now and again alright but if you make some of the times where it's prolific just look at some names when it comes up

such and such just comment it on your state and it's like I don't know Why am I opening this I'm just getting to get rid of The fucking notification You're essentially spam So basically

I've just got a muggle stamp now Alright muggle stamp If anyone wants to mock us up The muggle stamp Would be very much appreciated I'm going to go For people whose Twitter bios

Are along the lines of Proud mama for My boys are my life Oh my god Yoga Whatever all the shit Or they're like Hobby Proud hobby for My boys are my life Oh my god Yoga Whatever all the shit Or the like Hobby

Proud hobby To slot box 420 And it's just Maybe I don't know Maybe This comes from a place of ignorance Because I don't have a family

And I define myself by myself You're an orphan I'm an orphan boy Yeah but imagine if I was like Proud Like Because I love my parents very much

I'm a proud son of them But It's not my fucking defining feature. Linda and Kev, they're my life. Oh, yeah, I'd live for them every day. I do love my parents. Ring them. Just tell them.

Pull them off. Love you, ma'am. Bye. This always comes... I better put that on Facebook. What the fuck is that? We've just plunged into darkness. Hold on.

This is terrifying. Right. Is this a power cut? I don't know Here's how stupid I am I genuinely looked at the podcast To see To see if it was a power cut

Or were you using batteries Aye So Hold on I'll pause it So we've just been plunged Into darkness in the room here Alright

There's a power cut Just to my room Apparently All the lights in the grab are on All the lights in the corridor are on And now we're doing this By fucking Spooky isn't it? Right Spooky Spooky room Apparently. All the lights in the grab are on. All the lights in the corridor are on. And we're doing this by fucking... Spooky, isn't it?

Right? Did you say dimly lit? Spooky or romantic? She'll cuddle up and kiss. Which is a safe kiss. Well, I mean, you can say it's dark in this room, but you're the light of my life. I've always had a torch for you.

Just listen to how it's done, Andrew Chester. Oh, there we are. What the fuck is going on? Oh, yeah. Oh. Just need a couple of good done, Andrew Chester. Oh, there we are. What the fuck is going on? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Just need a couple of good jokes, power them up. All right.

Fucking Tesla. Oh, I do. He's got his fucking finger out. Oh, what's he done recently? What's he done recently? Oh, right. Well, that slides back on and let's be honest,

probably the dullest part of the podcast that's ever happened. Sorry about that, but. Help. What? Dullest. Oh, well Well You know what

That's 30 seconds You didn't mean it But No You made it the joke You did the joke It wasn't a joke When I said it though

It was No So Back to your point That you were making Before we got Yeah it's just Like the

I I've always hated this I don't know Like I get really annoyed when people define that I'm a proud mum thing well you're not, you're not my mum's proud of all of her kids she shows that in her actions

if you have to say what you're fucking proud of you're not doing it you're ignoring your kids while you're on your computer it's the same thing, I guess this goes back to my thing if you're in a relationship and you go on fucking Facebook and you go oh my god love my thing so like, if you are, if you're in a relationship and you go on fucking Facebook and you go, Oh my God,

love my thing so much when it's not your anniversary or their birthday, you are not in love. You are. It's that like, do you need people to know you're proud? Is that the thing? Surely your kids are the ones that need to know you're proud. Tell your kids they're proud of them.

Why do strangers need to know you're proud of your kids? They should just assume it. Like I've, I've never been in a position like I don't have kids and I don't know what that chemical reaction is like

and everybody says like oh you don't know until you've had kids but like so you just get flooded with that oxytocin where like you just get that

feeling that everybody loves your kids as much as you do because how could they not I love this little spawn that I've made but like everyone else

doesn't have that same feeling they're like they like your child you're a cute kid or whatever your kid's but everyone else doesn't have that same feeling. They're like your child. You're a cute kid or whatever. Your kid's good, but they don't have that like, oh my God, you're the fucking Oracle of the world pedestal up there.

I always find that strange as well. Having photos of your kid around the house, I wonder how much damage that does to you as a kid. You grew up in this house where your picture's on the fucking mantelpiece, right? And you just feel like the world revolves around you and then you go the outside world and like people don't give that much Fuck about it. That's why the only other person apart from children that I've got a big picture of themself up in the fucking room Kim Jong on

South Korea You can say that like he was like because I did go for it grow up in a house where there was lots of you know Pictures of me. This is yeah. Yeah, but you were saying what does that do to you i'm now in a job where every august i demand that my pictures on buses on walls fucking everywhere yeah right i'm gonna go to work now can you elevate me amplify me light me up and make sure i'm the only one facing that direction everyone else is facing me look what you did ma'am putting my foot over yeah yeah this is your fault, mum You've made me a narcissist

Would you agree with that one then? The power and love on social media For your own children I kind of feel like And wife and husband Like just the This is my world right here I don't know

We're pretty We're pretty like Outwardly We outwardly project Like how much we're loving Our travels And our work And it's like

I don't If that's their body We went to Tesla's house today And we're like Oh we're at the Tesla thing We could have just been there And enjoyed it You did

Yeah I don't do that on social media I never brag about what I'm doing Because I hate when other people do it I quite like it because It was like that old thing You used to say Sorry to steal one of your jokes

And let it come out of my mouth but like you always used to get annoyed at people who posted pictures of their kids all the time like you don't see me posting pictures of my full bank account laughing laughing about your life because sometimes and maybe this is

me being a narcissist or like every time someone's like I'm so proud to look at my kid my world or look at my girlfriend and I am happily like, I'm so proud, look at my kid, my world, look at my girlfriend. And I am happily single. And I'm happily single. And that's something people don't seem to process

at all. They're like, no, no, you're just... And it's not because I'm sleeping around. It's not because I'm being sly. I'm confident in who I am and I don't need someone else

to make me confident. I say that. I do like the fact that Facebook is a journal that's published online. If you want to write that shit down and keep it under your bed in a fucking actual diary, then so be it. But Facebook's such a good tool for documenting your life and documenting all your photos and the things you've did. And especially with the time hop and it brings it back, you do want that.

So maybe this thing of like, oh, these are my babies, this is my family, then I'm 10 years late. I look back and just go, oh, I remember. Yeah, maybe I'm just complaining about reading other people's diaries and telling them it's boring and I should just stop reading their fucking diary. I think the people

that you're talking to there, they'll just go, well, fucking unfollow us then, pal. Like, you don't need to. This is my life. If you're not invested in it, then... Yeah, okay, that's fair.

All right. Like, my sister does a lot of the, like, posting of a child online and, like, in fact, to my sister's, Facebook is a son's Facebook. And I can see how the people one degree of separation away would be like, oh, fucking boring.

For me, I'm never home. I don't live in Blythe anymore. I'm watching my nephew grow up, and I'm loving watching the progression of this child online. And I'm glad she's doing it. But there's probably people that are that have added that because they like know her through me

but don't know her personally or something like that and just like I think if if that does bother you then you should probably just unfollow alright

I'll go on a Facebook call next week anyone that's got kids you're gone bye mum bye dad bye Kai what? yeah Kai what? Bye mum Bye dad Bye Kai What?

Yeah Kai what? Again Translated into Croatian Right what's your next one? Yes So Oh wait just to recap If you've done any of these things

So that doesn't go into Mongol corner That got vetoed Yeah which means You don't have to stand In the corner for 30 seconds But every one of these Things you're guilty of You have to go stand In the corner for 30 seconds But every one of these Things you're guilty of

You have to go stand In the corner for 30 seconds And you have to do it Because we'll fucking know Don't ask us how But we will And mine's Buying a square foot of land

Or naming a star Oh absolutely Like you're buying nothing Aye You're just buying a nothing thing Just for like this Kind of like Error of status

That's surrounding it But you're like You've just been sold Oh and a star Billy when was the last Time you visited it Yeah Like when was the last time you visited it yeah like when was the last

time you went there did you decorate it yourself yeah what about that yard of land you got in the highlands can you get planning permission like the world's

thinnest skyscraper yeah are you a lord you've bought a title got any troops be ready to defend it because I'm coming to take it over

that's what we should do We should fucking take it over Put a square foot of land Oh we should totally do that Like we should make our own flags right We should work out Whoever owns a yard of land Up in the highlands

And we should just go with A hundred flags And just stick them in Every single Right And then we should go to All other stars Right

Rename them A deed pool Oh man Can we find out stars, right? Rename them on feed pool. Oh man, can we find out where people think they own land, like one yard of Iceland? Take it over? Absolutely, declare war on one person. You know what we could do? There might be a patch where a lot of people have bought yards separately, we could

take over the lot, right? We could just steal them yard by yard until we've got like a fucking acre of land. If you want to back it, bring your fucking sword can. take over the lot right we could just steal them yard by yard until we've got like a fucking egg out of land and if you if you if you want it back bring your fucking

sword can bring your bring your fucking horses and I'll bend over just like Dane Tesla oh man

that would be very funny to do like to just declare war on individual people on the land they own yeah start raising

cattle ah we've got right can anyone find out because we were not going to do the research because we're lazy oh maybe we will maybe we'll do a video

podcast of us taking over people's land do you reckon we could go to jail for that what for taking over people's land aye

war crimes oh man so let's do a research on that see if we can take over some land. Also, see if we can name a star Muggle. Oh, the Muggle star. The Muggle galaxy. Fucking send everyone that port-a-plot land there.

That's a fucking great idea. But let's get back to the initial point. Absolutely. I fully agree. It's only fine to name things after people once they're fucking dead. If part benches that are named, I'm absolutely fine with that. A function room in a building. Aye, absolutely fine.

Call it the Daniel Sluss suite. Aye, thank you. I am sweet. The cream suite. Cream suite. It's got a ring to it I mean it does look like a filthy porn room Yeah You're only allowed something named after you

If you're dead Dead good looking Mugging sweet Poland I'm good looking in Poland This is a vicious rumour That you're There are people

Like Poland declare war on you I don't know People listening Might not have been to Poland But the Polish people What are you pissing my bottle for What just like a mirror does Every day

Yeah if you've named a star Wait because people name stars After I named a star of you Because it's fucking massive Lonely It's a crack vacuum Because it's one day

It'll be a giant black hole And also like Aren't all the good names taking it You've got to name it like If your girlfriend names techie you've got to name it like if your girlfriend's called Jennifer you've got to name her like Jen1824 like it's a fucking

Neopets account can I just give her the same name as I guarantee there's already a star called Jennifer so good if that was with people as well

you'd be like Daniel47249 and I'd be Kai that would be funny like it that would be really fucking good

If like When you were naming your kid By Deepul Is born Can we name him Can we name him Jonathan After my grandfather No your grandfather

Was called your username Or did you take it Okay can we name him Jonathan For real 2002 Oh man That would be fucking great Just take it Like you're spelling it with a number

J-0-N-4-7-H-4-N Can you believe Thunder Tongues takes That's what we call a Thunder Tongue That would be a good name for a kid You know our friend Ali Got his middle name Legally changed by D to Paul

To Danger Yep So he can literally His name is Alistair David Danger Hog His second name was Hog anyway Oh you know what He's gonna go

Danger's my middle name That's why he's done it But he's already got David as his middle name His middle name isn't anything His middle name's a space Oh yeah He's got two middle names now

Like Danger's my third name danger's one quarter of my name yeah it's not the blank is my middle name

I was I was gonna get Jean's middle name for her birthday I was gonna get illegally chased

a princess Jean Princess Young I don't know if she's got a middle name. It's not Shirley, it's not her mum. After her mum died, so she wouldn't have a middle name. But back to that, yes, I absolutely agree with you. If you've named Star or you've bought a plot of land and a place...

My dad convinced me and my brother I had middle names when I was a kid. Kept it going for years. What did he tell you it was? Kai Bartholomew Braithwaite Humphreys and Gav Percival Archibald Humphreys swear to god the most working class

family you thought your middle name was Bartholomew I didn't know I had a fucking passport did I? council estate you know passport

still is 19 yeah Bartholomew Braithwaite Humphreys and Gav Percival Archibald Humphreys like that's why I fucking

rolled off the tongue I just knew it as my name fucking ages I mean if there weren't a thousand other reasons about why you

regularly got your head kicked in as a child that might have been one of them my grandad gave us two nicknames

Billy Two Rivers what Billy Two Rivers was my grandad's nickname for us because I had a runny nose but your name's not Billy Billy Two Rivers I don't know's nickname for us Because I had a runny nose But your name's not Billy

Billy Two Rivers I don't know Just had a ring to it Billy Nomads And Big Chief Dripping Candle Big Chief Like a name for American Indians Because you always had loads of pre-cum coming out of your cock

No because I had a runny nose I always had snuff A drippy pupil A drippy pupil. A big, trippy dripping candle and shiny sleeves. Did you get fucking bullied by your grandad? You didn't give us any hankies?

Something called Kai Bartholomew Brith with Billy Tipper of Big, Trippy Dripping Candle, Shiny Sleeves Humphreys Esquire my sister my sister for those of you who don't know I had a sister who was disabled she had cerebral palsy

but my mum she used to always call her because her full name was Jocelyn Christine Sloss but my mum used to say

and it wasn't until I was like eight that I realised it wasn't my sister's middle name it was Jocelyn Christine Farty Pants Sloss Farty Pants and you just thought that was it I was like eight that I realised it wasn't my sister's middle name was Jocelyn Christine Farty Pants Sloss

Farty Pants? I was just like oh well fuck it Didn't they call her Floppy? Or did they call her Condition Floppy? That was much later on because Francesca Martinez another comic with cerebral palsy always called her Condition Wobbly and we were like oh that's great if we applied it to Josie

she would have been called Floppy Cerebral palsy comes in a very wide uh spectrum of uh severity yeah uh yeah farty pants but therefore based on that middle name her middle name was farty yes farty farty's my middle name which is also danger if you're me for you I'm surprised you haven't Shat yourself in this tree yet I just don't tell you anymore I'm just suffering silence Well not silence There's a noise

And a smell And a feeling It's a pleasure for all of us And a quick evacuation Which by the way Two things that will piss me off About you this tour Let's get something

Pressed right now Alright here we go Stop farting lips No right Stop farting lips First right stop farting lifts no right first of all those clothes you fart

I have to hold my breath until I nearly die no but the difference my farts don't smell yours do I can't even compete because I made shit

but you keep my farts don't smell I wouldn't do a fart if I thought it was going to be a smell one because sometimes I do girl farts right

they're just the noise. It's just, you know, there's no smell. Every fart you do is like doctors should be involved. Because it's like, oh, you're dying. Well, this is the thing. I'm letting these toxins out of my body. You're keeping them in. That's why you're so fucking evil.

That's what someone said to me. I told you last night, didn't I? Last night, someone came up to me while you were on stage and just went, this is going to be the worst Slavic accent. He went, you're a very different approach. You're a very good boyfriend. He's Japanese, sorry. You're a very good boyfriend.

And he, he a bad man. Yeah. He called you a bad man. So yeah, that's because your farts don't smell. I let out the fucking demons. The semen. That's a joke I fucking hung over. smell I let out the fucking demons the semen that's a joke I fucking hang over

is it release these semen is it semen what's the same thing it's annoying yeah right every time you get into a taxi you know you're doing this

no this is revenge for you doing the I know exactly what you're saying but this is revenge for you on every flight going are we in the same seat it's fucking annoying

yeah but that doesn't affect your day any right so Daniel gets into a taxi so he'll always be first in the taxi and then I'll walk on the other side and just see his face

at the window and he's like moving along the seat and then sometimes I go back on the other side and there he is fucking having to climb into the boot.

Fucking pissing me off. It's 4.30 in the morning fucking got a fireball hangover and there's fucking his dish pressed up against the window every fucking time

I get to the door oh alright okay so if you've named a star or you own a plot of land if you've named a star you're a muggle standing in the corner

for 30 seconds and if you've got a plot of land we can come and take it moving in fucking fight a sea of their cunt painting my face blue yeah

um okay we're we're gonna have to speed this up because we've we're on 52 minutes um calling something that isn't porn Okay We're going to have to speed this up Because we've talked for fucking We're on 52 minutes

Calling something that isn't porn Porn Someone on Twitter suggested this And I fully agree with them Be like oh food porn No it's not That's your dick in a fucking hot dog bun That's you fucking akish

That's what food porn is So yeah Let's say like a Nutella Krispy Kreme And they go oh food porn right there Or like art porn or like car porn. It's genuinely, and this is not true,

please fucking Google this. I'm not kidding. It's pictures of cute babies on Twitter. I'm not joking. I'm not kidding. Child porn. Baby porn.

It's an account called Baby Porn. Oh, no. Where she's posting images of like cute babies. It's not a sexy book. That is the very reason why you can't call food porn food porn

and car porn car porn because the minute that yeah not to muggle like predator oh predator so yeah if you so basically

if you've done any of the things like buy plot land stand in the corner for 30 seconds but if you call food porn chemically castrate yourself

because you might be a paedophile if you keep going down that road Go stand in the corner of a prison Okay What's your last one? My last one

Let's make this quick Is saint.com After shit Ouch Yeah because that's so fucking long ago .com Awkward.com Awkward

Hungry.com Starving.com HTTP Forward slash forward slash Fucking muggle.org.uk Starving.com HTTP Forward slash Forward slash Fucking Muggle Dot Oak

Dot UK Twat Dot Net Yeah That was funny Like 15 years ago

When the internet Came out And now it's just Yeah If you say dot com After things Get fucked My final one

If you Post any pictures On any social media of you with a Snapchat filter on, Snapchat filters belong on Snapchat. I do not want to see you and your fucking friend looking like a fucking dog. It's really funny.

I put the fat face on and my eyes are... Don't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck. I think you look ridiculous anyway. I'm going in the corner for 30 seconds. Are you? When me and Elliot were on pills, he put the one on with a

he turned his head into a grape or something so his head was a grape and he was just like he was recording it on selfie mode and he was a grape and I was just there

going dude does that hurt what does it feel like are you alright hi will it go away hi is it painful are you going to let out

a little whine oh oh am I in the corner for 30 seconds yeah oh shit to go away is it painful are you going to let out a little whine oh am I in the corner for 30 seconds oh shit yeah for the

first one for the snapchat if it's on your instagram or tinder have a really really really

really hard look at yourself in the mirror and realise you're not a fucking dog I just put stickers on

the mirror yeah draw it in like the Truman show where you draw the fucking thing yourself and stand in there. It's just, it's funny on Snapchat, but to put it on, ugh.

So before we get into your dad jokes, let's see what gets you stood in the corner. From my end, 30 seconds, if you keep swinging and missing with humour on Facebook. But you probably don't even know you're doing this. You don't know it's you. But just assume it is. That's

a definite 30 seconds for every one of you. If your comment doesn't, if your joke doesn't get three likes, it's a muggle comment that's not funny standing in the corner for 30 seconds. Yeah. And I've also got buying a square foot of land, a name and a star, buying a title, you're in the corner immediately and saying.com after stuff. With yours, we've vetoed the baby photos because we don't have children and we've decided that it's a journal

and you're just hating on someone's journal. Yep, yep, yep. I was wrong there. We're going for, if you name anything, anything porn that's not porn. Do you reckon it's porn porn? Porn porn.

Porn porn. Oh, porn porn. God, it's the best type of porn. It's the type of porn you can masturbate to what you're masturbating to what would you call porn porn I don't know but let's hear your shit joke

no I'm just saying what's your favourite I'm letting absolutely not get into this we're fucking seven minutes left of the podcast ok we'll save that

bookmark it bookmark porn and snapchat filters on either your instagram on your tinder or your facebook profile or your linkedin alright

your cv on either your Instagram, on your Tinder, or your Facebook profile. Oh, yeah, LinkedIn. All right. Your CV. In fact, CV is not muggly. That's funny. Quick story. Matty did a job interview, so he works at the bank, and he was going for a higher position at the bank. This is Matty, one of my friends from back home,

who I used to live with. And he went in, and he had a banana in his hand in one of his holding implements. He was holding a banana just for his lunch, and he held up the banana like a gun to the board that were about to interview him and went, this is a stick-up. Right? Hilarious. Bombed.

Fucking bombed. Of course it did. Didn't find it funny. Made the interview awkward. Ugh. But that's funny. Funny. Funny.

Funny. All right. Now for our final game, everyone's favourite, your dad jokes. I'll go first. Your dad kisses your mum goodnight

and kisses you awake. Morning Kai. Your dad got rushed into hospital because his

gastric band snapped while he was teaching Pilates. Your dad's got a height chart for his erection. Me too. No, it's you.

I remember when he used to be up to here. Your dad takes the plug out of the bathroom stairs and the tub until it's completely drained. Your dad's got stabilisers on his feet. Your dad's got stabilisers on his feet, Puno. Your dad made placenta soup the day you were born. Your dad buries his shit in the garden like a cat,

and by that I mean he buries him in the garden beside all the cats he's killed when your mum left the front gate open. Whenever your dad spills cereal or sugar on the kitchen floor, he sweeps it under the fridge with his socks on? Your dad painted racing stripes on the microwave to make it go faster.

When your dad gets pissed on the toilet seat he wipes it off with his sock. Your dad trims his pubes with a lighter. When your dad runs out of the toilet, rolly wipes his ass with his sock without taking it off.

Your dad wears his slippers to bed. Your dad borrows your socks. Your mum gets your dad To go down on her By making him chase A laser pointer around the room And then shines it on her foof That's why he killed all them cats

He was sick of the fucking Hunger Games Every time he wanted to eat pussy Oh brilliant Your dad washes his face With fairy liquids To make them as soft as his hands Your dad washes his face with fairy liquids to make them as soft as his hands.

Them. Them faces. Your dad thought it was upsetting that some people can't lick their elbows so he opened a business where he'd do it for them. For people who can't lick their elbows, call LickingElbows.com. No. No. Your dad makes a pillow wall Between his and your mam's side of the bed To keep her on his side

If you hold your dad up to your ear You can hear the shell of a man asking you to stop Yeah well Yeah well your dad wears his watch on his ankle And he checks it about a dozen times when he's waiting for the bus And whenever he holds it up to his face He can smell piss and cornflakes Shit And he can read Daniel

Alright Shit You can read Daniel Alright So that is the end of this podcast Which comes out on Monday Here are our next tour dates If you were listening to this today And you were in Brussels in Belgium Which I think is nearly sold out So get those fucking tickets quick

25th of October Brussels Belgium 26th of October we are in Ghent, Belgium also almost sold out as is Antwerp, Belgium on the 27th so if you're in Belgium and you want to come see us I would pick up tickets

pretty fucking quickly 28th we are in Bergen Bergen, Norway 29th Oslo, Norway almost sold out so get those quickly

and 30th we are in the Tumler, Amsterdam and if you've got this those quickly and 30th we're in the Tumler Amsterdam and if you've got this on Monday and you happen to be in Croatia

and you listen to it as it comes out get yourself along tonight to Zagreb no is it not what is it oh yeah sorry

Zagreb tonight yeah Zagreb tonight there's first show sold out second show almost sold out that is it Kai has a first sale

going on his website kaihanfries.com kai has a for sale go on his website kai hamphreys.com and um yeah i've got my special my one hour special uh if you enjoy the podcast share it recommend it to your friends uh etc etc um yeah that's it thank you very much for listening we've been muggins and cream muggins and cream in your ears making i fucked it bye guys sorry