Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.8 Fantastic Lies

Episode Date: October 26, 2016

Bullshit + Confidence = Truth. Moving on from Croatia to Belgium the boys share some lies that sound true but when looked at closely they are so obviously a lie that no-one will fall for them at all. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

We are back. It's Muggins and Cream on the road. In Belgique. In what? Belgique. That's how they say Belgium in Belgish. In Belgish? I called it Belgian last night on stage.

I was like, oh, I'm finding a miracle that you can talk to each other in Belgian and then just switch to English. And they were like... Yeah, there's no such a language as Belgian. It's French, German. In Flemish, which when they said French, German and Flemish, like Afro-Flemish was like a fake language, like gibberish. Oh, or French. French, just any of them. Anything that isn't English.

Right. You know know I wanted to correct this is a correction from something I said in the last podcast I was listening over as I uploaded it and I mentioned about people in the house putting photos of their children up and the only other person has a photo up is Kim Jong Un

and I said the dictator of South Korea oh it's North Korea instead of North Korea now on the back door of this podcast you can see where people have been listening from and we've got like

a lot of people in Australia a lot of people in America quite a few in Europe one South Korean who was just sitting there angrily being like what the fuck

one South Korean just going mental sorry one South Korean person. Also, can we not make it an ongoing thing that at the start of the show we have to go through the corrections of all the things we got wrong in the last episode? Otherwise that'll be the whole fucking podcast.

Which actually, because of this, because we're so uninformed, we're going to add a game this week, which is fake lies. Fantastic lies. Because you think if you can just bullshit confidently... Aye, we'll get to Fantastic Lies in a bit, we can just go through.

But yeah, I felt that that was a noteworthy correction for the one South Korean listener. Aye, so, yeah, by the way, we'll find out next episode when we upload this one, see if that South Korean is gone. See if we've got no listeners in South Korea. It's fucking your fault, cunt.

And as well, looking at the back door of the website, because I do... Could you not call it the back door? I'm looking at the back door. It just sounds so... Just looking through the back door of the website. Because Daniel, as soon as he puts the mic down, he's done and I do all the uploading shit.

I fucking set up the whole thing. What do you mean? You have to click upload one button. Yeah, sure. You're like those parents that act like fucking martyrs. No, I'm just saying. Like, oh, this morning I had to wake up, right? I put Frozen in the DVD player.

I put two slices of toast on. Didn't even eat the toast. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my day. Live. Yeah. I mean, you've just put that on Facebook, so you've clearly got some spent time. I've had such a stressful day so far.

Get off Facebook, then. Well, let me change my tone. I wasn't saying that as it was a big deal that I've got to do this extra. But I get to see all of the stats and stuff like that because I'm on the login. And I found out that we were, like, fucking doing really good in iTunes.

Like, we're up to 49. We're, like, in the top 50 in iTunes. And and since then our listenership has went up and up and up and we've been getting more and more people listening but uh one person gave us a one-star review and just knocked us off the rankings did we get one star review fucking cow that said it was like uh joining in with two of your mates and you haven't been caught up on that in jokes. Yeah? On the spot? Was that not a five-star review? Did you feel fucking left out there? Did you? Did you feel left out?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Go and fucking leave a one-star review. Shut up. What dreams? It worked, though. It worked. But she did stick to the rules. It was one star or five star.

Yeah, it did. And she said... So they couldn't give us a four-star. Fucking muggle. Just before we go any further, we would like to do a thank you to everyone

who came out to both Zagreb shows and sold those both out. They were very good fun. As was Brussels last night, which was absolutely fucking rammed. Which is great.

So thank you everyone that's coming to the tour so far. We'll give you the rest of the dates at the end of the podcast. But none of you have been shit yet. Nah, it's been great, hasn't it? Like every single one has been a fucking really good gig. Nice chat to everyone afterwards.

We always meet people in the audience, so shout out to everyone we've spoke to that might be listening to this. And also, I went somewhere you didn't, Daniel, because you had a little bit of work to do. Aye. And I went to a museum. Why? The Museum of Broken Relationships. It was fucking amazing. Which was in Zagreb. had a little bit of work to do and i went to a museum why the museum of broken relationships

it's fucking amazing which was in uh the grab so this museum was set up by a couple who broke up and stayed that's awkward yeah they're both artists and they broke up and they were like awkward but they were like they broke up but decided they were going to make a museum because there was like they didn't know what to do with some things that were theirs, like go for theirs. Like if we broke up, me and Muggins and Cream broke up, what would we do with Tom Horton? You know, Tom? Well, no, you and me stand...

Tom would have to go in the museum. No, you and me would stand at opposite corners of the room, right? Shout his name and see who he came to first. You and Natalie did this at a wedding. Oh, yeah. So me and Kai's girlfriend, Natalie, are very, very good friends, occasional lovers,

and at one wedding where you were on pills. Yep. Classic Blythe wedding. Classic Blythe wedding. Natalie was going, she's like, oh, he's so lovely, so lovely,

and I'm like, he's not, he's a piece of shit. She's like, well, you don't love him as much as I do, and I'm like, oh, that's absolutely true. That's absolutely true well you don't love him as much as I do and I'm like oh that's absolutely true that's absolutely true that I do not love him as much as you do but just be aware that he loves me more than he loves you she's like that's not true I suck his dick and I'm like yeah which makes it even sadder that he loves me more

you've got weapons in your arsenal that I can't do yet he still loves me more she's like I'll prove it i went right you stand over there i'll stand over here we'll both shout his name and see who he comes to and she said your name a good four or five times and i just went kai and you went yeah mate what's up but this is the thing that you have to remember if you had the drug bag oh did i like it's like it's like getting a dog to come to you if I call out of the room, but one of them's got chocolate in their pocket.

You know what I mean? You fucking cheated. And Natalie, I know you're listening, just so you know, he values drugs over your vagina. Oh, God. She's got a massive drug pouch. Storage.

So, the museum... Because that thing about the museum, like, oh, what are we going to do with all this like that's that thing about the museum like oh what are we going to do with all this stuff that's perfect like when I broke up with my last girlfriend some of her stuff was at mine

and Jean was like oh when are you going to give her it back I'm like I'm just going to throw it in a fucking river yeah like who gives a shit

yeah I had that I had a like it was a a break up like early like teenage break up let's say and she was like

When are you going to come And get your Cisco CD I'm just like Thrown over the allotment wall I don't Like stop using The fucking Cisco CD Yeah it's like

Like whenever I break up With someone Right I'm willing to accept Up to 500 pounds of loss If I never have to see them again Yeah Like Oh you left your Kindle You left your favourite shoes except up to £500 of loss if I never have to see them again. Like, oh, you left your Kindle,

you left your favourite shoes, you left your fucking pocket watch that your grandad left you before you died. Keep it. Keep it, I'll get new things. Unless you've got my memory card with me saved data from Final Fantasy VII, Metal Gear Solid and Siphon Filter on, I am not going to step foot in your street.

I just, like, It's that thing, oh, we can still be friends. Whenever you break up with someone, they're like, we can still be friends. It's like your parents going, oh, your dog's died, but you can still play with it. You can pet it.

Will it fetch the ball anymore? No. Only if you throw it directly at it. I mean, I throw stones at her. You throw stones at your dead dog which is a metaphor for a broken relationship that tries to stay friends

so this museum was fucking pretty cool there was some like good items there was like some people that got torn apart by war and stuff like that

and had like you know like moved companies and shit like that and it was like quite historic yeah torn apart the relationships

were torn apart and their limbs oh speaking of torn apart. The relationships were torn apart. And the limbs. Oh, speaking of torn apart, there was a teddy in there. This was a fucking psycho one. So most of the things were cute, had a good story. This was psychotic.

There was this caterpillar. I'm going to say it was about a foot long. This is based on a Subway sandwich. It was about the size of a sub. It had a fox's head with a caterpillar's body. And it had like 12 legs on each side but like eight of them had been ripped off and there was four left on each side so it ripped off on each side four left on each side and then um the note was that they were living in a long distance

relationship in different countries and every time they saw each other they took a leg off the caterpillar in that they were going to get married when it had no legs left, but they broke up when there was still legs left. That is sadistic. They said, sadly, at the end, the caterpillar will never become a full invalid. And they thought that was romantic. That is psychopathy to a different degree. I'm glad you didn't have kids.

Yeah, when we rip the legs and arms kids like like yeah when we're when we rip the legs and arms off this one when we see each other we'll have another yeah it's like the opposite hangman every time you say

I love you that is it's always gross but there was some like really nice stuff in there and then there was like this one about like parents as well

like losing parents and stuff and there was this fucking really tragic one about this dad that never played a part in this boy's life in one of the he wrote a letter to his dad that never got to him and uh he says i'm putting it up in here so that somebody can read it and uh one of the things that it was is i know you none i know you more than any other person on this planet and i hardly know you at all got no friends in it was pretty dark his dad's got no friends so there was like some really like um deep and dark stuff so let me just get the context so

he means like the fact that you're not in my life tells me everything I need to know about you well he's like saying you're not you're hardly in my life yet I know you more than any person on this planet how I know it was I wish I knew the exact word I know you more than any other person this was planet and I hardly know you at all. It was something along those lines. Let it be poetic. I don't like poetry. I've already got my muggle corner things.

You're going to love where I'm going with this. What I'm trying to say is everything was poetic, everything was romantic, everything had a story and then there was this plinth lit up from the bottom with the video game football manager of the plinth. everything was romantic and then there was some cold hard reality right in the middle of the museum what was the football manager when was that the one that he played football manager instead of giving her attention like most relationships that sounds like one of

those like maybe it's just me and, again, this is coming from a man who does not do relationships when they're, I get into about one three month relationship every two years to remind myself of why I hate them.

And it's just the thing of like, I've got my life and I very much love my life. And, like, you've got to be part of it. Like, if you're being my life,

you've got to be, you never get to be the center of it. You never get to be my world like and not because anyone else is just because a bunch of people are

like a bunch of things like comedy is my life like I love I love my friends to come in and be like are you like your friends more than me yes I do

because they've been in my life for 8 years I've known them longer yeah they've put in the ground work you're going to be there when you're gone imagine going to a job

interview getting it right and then 3 months later you're looking at there when you're gone imagine going to a job interview getting it right and then three months later you're looking at the fucking CEO being like how's he getting all the attention what do you mean he's put a fucking shift in for

he built the company from the ground up made the company what I am today smashing it like a fucking genius in the Apple store is being like

oh why's Steve Jobs giving all the credit everyone talks about Steve Jobs what about me Gary working the Southampton store I know sold three iPhone 7s this week where's my credit you don't get any work your way up can't

so as well that says a lot more about the person who right like i've been in a relationship where i've been with my partner thinking i wish i was with my mates i wish i was uh playing computer games i'd rather be anywhere else like i've been on holidays with in partnerships where i've like i wish my mates were here right but i've got a girlfriend now that i'd happily turn off football manager to spend time with her well done here is someone coming into our room no just upstairs i mean yeah i mean yeah like other problems with like exes uh in the past like a couple of girlfriends go i play fifa love fifa is how i relax after gigs like i'll smoke a joint and i'll play fifa because the weed calms

me down and the uh tv moving and controls like distracts my eyes and it distracts my hands like i can listen to podcasts with it i can hold conversations while i'm playing with it but just when your mind's in the hyperactive mode and years and years ago I discovered when I was on the phone to her, I'd be playing FIFA and it'd be half an hour into the conversation, she'd be like, are you playing FIFA?

I'm like, yeah. She's like, you're not giving me full attention I'm like, you only just noticed now you only noticed when I cheered It is well, it's difficult, like, why would you compete with that kind of stimulation anyway, like she can't give you FIFA you only noticed when I cheered like it as well it's difficult like why would you compete with that kind of stimulation anyway

like she can't give you FIFA aye like it's it's entirely don't let go I can't give you FIFA but I'm also going to go in a direct competition

with FIFA it's also like people who like ever had this is for me the ultimate test for any girl if

you know when you get into that say gym relation where you're like what's your favourite movie and they go this and you go oh this one's mine

and I'm like I've not seen your favourite movie let's watch it together and then you watch it with them and they talk through it or they sit on their phone that's the decision that's when I

Is that a deal breaker for you? Oh absolutely if you don't like Warrior as I've always said one of my favourite films You had a chick over was it Warrior

we were watching and the chick was whispering and yeah not even like she wasn't even talking that it would interrupt us it was just this like almost like there was a dripping tap yeah in the room and i was just like daddy i mean i'm trying to mentally project to you that you need to snap her neck on the spot yes don't talk i had another girlfriend that spoke all the way during tv oh my, I'm friends with like 99% of my ex-girlfriends. And I'll admit that, again, 99% of them,

it's my fault that the breakups happen. Years and years ago, I had another girlfriend. She lived in a flat with like three girls. Now, there was three bedrooms, one bathroom, a kitchen, a dining room, and a living room with a TV in it. And whenever I was over, like if I was watching TV, her friends would come in,

her friends would come in, and they'd start talking to her. And I'd turn the TV up. They'd be like, that's being rude. I'm like, no, it's not being rude. There is one room in this house where I can watch television. There are seven

where you can have a fucking conversation. The difficult situation is, you're in their house. Yeah. I think you just have to like succumb to them not having very good hospitality you don't have very good hospitality but i can't go against that yeah i mean i never i never complained out loud it was yeah you know it was a bite in the tongue thing but in hindsight i'm just like yeah my girlfriend once that just talked all the way Is there what?

What? What are you saying? Don't stop Don't talk with your mouth A quarter full Yeah I can make out everything she was saying I don't know why I'm lying Right Shall we get on to Muggle Corner

There are some muggles in the world I feel like the stamp has worked on Facebook, but I also feel like a lot more people have stopped making comments since we started putting the stamp. For those of you that didn't listen to last week's episode, I've been getting so many muggle comments on every post that I write because I accept every friend request, so people from all walks of life, people I've just brushed past in my life,

get a window to my world in the always comment, and a lot of them are very muggly. i put the muggle stamp on just to stop it but i feel like people that aren't muggles are now afraid to comment good to get labeled a muggle good so i'll put a status that'll go down well but not get much comments on it all right i don't i don't get what you're complaining about it's great other people like oh i got attached to you last week and the guy must listen to the podcast because he didn't say a word to me good good on him for those of you that have seen

some of our one star review since this is just you joining in part of a chat I feel like we should give you the backstory to Muggle Corner

even though you all know what it is but clearly I don't want you to feel left out I don't want you to feel left out if you're a new listener

and you can't catch up on seven fucking episodes here's what you missed just get up on the end joke just off the context. Aye. Muggles is a term

that me and Kai have stolen from the Harry Potter universe to use to describe other people when they just do something a bit dull, a bit tedious

and just didn't need to have just a very plain vanilla thing to do. Are you looking forward to curry the night? Aye. It was Thursday, innit? I always treat myself

to a curry on Thursday. I like Thursday because they're both on. You get to stand as an curry. You get them both. Aye. It's just, innit? I always treat myself to a curry on Thursday. I like Thursday because they're both on. You get to stand as I am, curry. You get them both. It's like a little treat

and I get a curry with them. Do you get a curry? Which one do you go to? Do you go to John's? No, I go to Big Daff's. Big Daff's? Big Daff's.

I'll have to try that one. I don't think it's actually called. I'll have to try that one but you know what? Me and our Malcolm, we don't like to change the thing. We've got one that we like

and you don't want to risk curry first at a different place and not liking it and just going i wish i just stayed at you've wasted a thursday then then i've got then it's been a fortnight since my last decent curry it's like it's tradition there's a reason to stick to now again muggle is a derogatory term that we use but you everyone does muggle things me and kai are guilty of doing muggle things every day as are you this does not define you it doesn't mean you're a muggle for life it just means that if you do any of these things or you're guilty of them you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds so you can understand why what you did was wrong or annoying and didn't need to be done so i'll go first muggles leave

kisses on facebook comments yes like that annoys me even in text like to an extent because it's out of context emojis i'll let you get away with because emojis as annoying as i find them do give context i'm crying with laughter i've got an awkward face on imagine you spoke to someone right and every time they finished a sentence they kissed you or you posted simply like people are like, oh mate just went to Tesla's house today it was really interesting Oh Kai that's really interesting I'm going out for a couple of drinks tonight, do you want to come? It's just weird Where you gonna go like?

You kiss me as a kiss? Thinking about you hun Like you're just kissing during a conversation I saw my mate Matty I saw him texting his Mrs. Becky And he put like Like a hundred kisses on the text Like I'm talking

I reckon a hundred would probably be about right Lines and lines and lines of kisses More kisses than content If it was saying back in the days of Nokia 3310s It would come through as three separate messages Like two of them just full kisses Beep beep beep beep Beep beep beep beep Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep what time you coming round to me kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss

so he put all of these kisses on and em you know what as well he wrote them out like if like if I had this like fucking relationship

this shackled relationship that dictated that I had to put this many kisses on I'd go into the back door on my phone I'd go into the settings and I'd make it

so I had like a quick key that had like 100 kisses you just press or you just put two and then it spams out two and then it spams it so they don't know that you're not putting

any effort in you know but as well do you reckon Becky's getting this text going one two three four five six seven eight nine ten

ninety seven ninety seven oh I was on rock oh no oh is it because I didn't make Becky's getting this text going 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 97 97 Oh what was on rock Oh no Oh is it because I didn't make him a coffee this morning I didn't iron his shirt I didn't iron his tubey Fucking muggles

Two of my good friends But what a pair of fucking muggles I do like People do Three kisses Like imagine them having a conversation what are you doing tonight mum? I didn't let him on for hours

like I've not I've not had a girlfriend in a while but I don't think I ever left kisses just assume I love you like I don't need to reinforce it like I would actually say like if I start leaving kisses it's like oh what's he done

oh you can you can like use it use it for your power if you don't put kisses on at all on any text and then all of a sudden

like you're coming home from work and you're like oh could you run me a bath kiss they're just instantly feeling good about themselves because they've got this kiss that they didn't expect

oh where's the good bit today like you know if you never apologise and then the time you do apologize it counts but if sorry just falls so easily out your mouth when you apologize for something

so maybe it's like you're putting a kiss on a text could be used as a little bit more like I've never said sorry in my life so whenever I do apologize to someone they're getting a fucking statue made of them because I've never been wrong so do you agree kisses on mugger stasis yeah i think the only way like as you say emoticons it's the same as putting a emoticon on

like say if you put something that could be construed as being serious but if you're like i hope they know i'm joking when i write that i can't put tone of voice on it you put a little cry face on a little tears coming out the side laughing um but if you haven't got emoticons if you've got like an old phone then if you want something to be known that you just mess no but who's but yeah but no who's coming on facebook got an old phone muggles the only way that that's not muggly is if you've got a muggle phone well i don't know if you've got muggle phone how you getting on facebook though knock your 3310 you fucking dipshit like what phones that can connect to Facebook don't have emoticons?

You daft cunt. I want to knock you out of Facebook. I mean, knock you out. You stupid. I mean, that's 30... I get an extra 30 seconds. Yeah, that's 30 seconds in the corner for you there. Like, don't get me wrong.

Like, sometimes... Here's the exceptions. If you are a gran, right? If you're a gran and a grandparent right and it's that's how you communicate I felt so guilty

the other day because I opened up my emails and I had an email from my grandparents being like oh hey how you doing hope the tour's going well

because I've been away from home for two weeks I've not been able to phone them I've just not thought about it like they went my grandparents

like born in 1876 right went through the trouble of working out how the internet worked to send me an email i'm like oh god the ordeal you must have gone through just to let you me know that you love me claimed mount doom didn't i i feel like a piece of shit i mean i mean i would apologize to them but I'm not going to put them through the stress of downloading a fucking podcast they're not going to listen to this so you know

this is a funny one do you know my mum's never used the internet how's she got all those videos online then dad uploads them

so my mum never used the internet she'll occasionally ask my dad to look something up but she's never used the internet and I like she'll occasionally ask me dad to look something up but she's never used it and i can't get my fucking head around this because this is like someone going i don't use roads you don't use roads how do you get about that i just don't it's information age how are you meant to receive data anyway she doesn't use the internet but um

she does text and this is like a recent movement she got a phone a couple of years ago and she sends text messages. But if I ever get a text off my mom, I know, like your grandparents sent that email, I know she's agonized over that text, and it's took her a little while, even just to open the fucking text message box, it's took her a while, let alone type it out. So what I do is, as soon as my phone beeps and I get it, I reply with the quickest but longest message I possibly can. So it blows a fucking syrup.

So my mum just goes like, send. Beep, beep. And there's just a fucking like... Just fucking war and peace comes through. She's bragging to all her friends. Eee, our guy. Oh, he's like fucking... I think he's got six thumbs. Which could just be a ply

thing. I'll have six thumbs I think it's because Kev's my brother Right so Kissing on Facebook comments In the corner for 30 seconds Yep You're allowed emoticons That's possible

So this is one that was suggested by a Twitter follower That was on about vague passive aggressive Facebook statuses That provoke You okay hun? DM me. Right, you know what? People on here bitching about stuff why don't you have the balls to say to my face?

Why don't you have the balls to say to their face? You're just saying it near them in the same airspace. I've had a really rough day, are you okay? Yeah, I don't want to talk about it. You do! You put it on Facebook it's social media yeah I can't stand

let's start being like being vague about positive stuff I've got such a boner about what's happening tonight what's happening? don't want to talk about it? nah can't tell anyone

I love this person so much they've done so much for me today I honestly couldn't have gotten through today without you who? none of your business I love this person so much they've done so much for me today I honestly couldn't have gotten through today without you who? none of your business like it's

it's literally a cry for cry for attention and then it's the dinner I don't mind cries for help like sometimes friends with a lot of comedians people going

I'm having a fucking awful day I don't know what to do I'm stressed and then you go anything I can do and they go and you go I'm here to talk and then they talk to you

and you have to have a laugh I don't mind that cry for attention because you're looking for the help as well like it's it's genuine but when it's this fucking fake like

oh some people are so two-faced and they need to keep their nose out of other people's business oh thanks for that blanket statement about people that are like that I'm sure that wasn't

provoked by one individual person that you're trying to snipe at on Facebook and why are you friends with them that two faced nosy prick like I'm not

honestly I strongly believe with my Facebook group of friends if I needed 50 quid from any of them I could 90% of those

I need 50 quid I mean some of them would ask questions to somebody like I've not heard from you In a while But Not

If you went to a friend Looking for 50 quid Because it's like Successful and stuff If you went to a friend Looking for 50 quid That wouldn't just be Like you looking for 50 quid

That would be you Telling them you had a problem Yeah Like He's either gambling Or he's fucking Putting it all up his nose Aye

But like literally Just putting the pound So that would be a bigger crime Just's fucking putting it all up his nose. Aye. But, like, literally just putting the pound... So that would be a bigger crime. Just putting the pound coins up my nose. Aye. No, I pass up against his Facebook status. I'd be unrolling the £50 note going, Daniel, have you got a drug problem? Aye.

Because I'm not friends with like that many people still from like not my primary school days because like I went to a different high school like I'm not friends with many people from my primary school and I reckon a lot of them grow up to be you know quite mackery but just not

so I don't see that much yeah I get a lot of blithers a lot of blithe friends I think there's like a lot of blithers a lot of blithe friends I think there's like a lot of just like working class aggression getting on there there's never

a passive aggressive status that's spelled correctly yeah with that fucking space buffer a full stop that I can never

get my head around how people do it like I've got a comic friend of ours Davy Jones Davy Jones who's about to be

a movie star Davy Jones is in a moviey Jones. Who's about to be a movie star, I may add. Davy Jones is in a movie that we sadly can't see called I, Daniel Play. We spoke about it last week. I cannot fucking wait to see it. Go see the movie.

Davy Jones, again, most comics, as Davy Jones, most of them will say, he compared my first gig. Like, that's who Davy Jones is. Yeah, he's been there forever.

He's been there forever. He's always been the headliner. He's always, he's just this fucking stellar comic who's now broken through in this amazing movie as well. But on Facebook, there's always a full stop

before a space. How do you do that? Space before full stop. Space before the full stop. How do you do it? Why? It's impossible. Because you press space twice

and the full stop comes up automatically. But then if you press space... Right, I don't know how he's doing it. It's like he physically has to be doing it. He has to be pressing space and full stop for it to happen. But every time. And another one he does is full stop, full stop, comma. Is that a thing?

But the thing is, he's not stupid. No. Davy Jones knows more about this world than I do. I mean, he's got a little bit of a stutter When he gets excited but I don't know how that translates Into the written form Right my next one I'm going to combine two here They should be two separate things but normally they are combined

Muggles take pictures of their food And also excessive hashtags Or any hashtags ever. I think I'll be guilty of the hashtag thing. Why? I'll sometimes put like, but in a way I'm trying to be ironic. Yeah, no, ironic hashtags, fine.

But I think that's what most people are doing when they put a bunch of hashtags. No one's putting a hashtag thinking, oh, I hope the person that's looking up that hashtag finds my post. Nah, go on Instagram. I can say a name, which I will say off microphone just in case. All right, okay.

Right. So there are people, I just said the name, there are people that genuinely use. And you don't think they're just like spamming it to fill the queue? Hashtag love. Hashtag gobble. Hashtag healthy meal. Hashtag healthy living. Hashtag kill.

What are you doing kill what are you doing what are you doing yeah and taking pictures of your food is look unless you unless you work

for a restaurant and you do that page there I don't care what you're about to eat it is well like food food for me

I'm not I'm not that big I'm not a big foodie like I like to eat obviously I eat four meals a day and you're a load sometimes. But they are very much in the way for me.

As much as I like eating, because I have to, fuck, I think I would be contemplating it if someone says, look, you're never going to be hungry again. You're going to get all the nutrition you need. You may never have to have a meal. I'd be like, fuck, that's going to save me hours and thousands. Oh, I'm the same. But what I will say is i know there

are people listening to this who fully disagree now gene uh are one of my friends my best friend flatmate loves food is an absolute foodie here's the main difference between me and gene if you were to give when they invent pills right that are full meals i'll never eat another meal again yeah she's the opposite like there are people who love food fucking hipsters all right but if you love food this is not you but as if you're taking the picture like who's it for yeah because that's how i can't get my head around it because like i say like food is just an obstacle for me i'm like oh my body's hungry i need to eat i'm not gonna like oh when i take a photo of this and show other people it's like um cloves are very much for necessity for me i'm not

big into fashion like i don't like i wear clothes because I've got to cover myself up and stay warm. I thought you said cloves. Clothes. Like, cloves of garlic. Cloves of garlic. I'll take loads of pictures of cloves of garlic, but that's just to keep my vampire friends away. My one food exception. Not like clothes.

I'm not, like, banging into fashion, but I understand people are, and they'll take photos. Like, this is my new coat, but I'll be like, that coat's going to keep me warm. All right. So, like, I'm on a different frequency to people in fashion. I'm the same. like this is my new coat but i'll be like that coat's gonna keep me warm all right and so i like i'm on a different frequency to people i'm the same i would actually with uh with sleep if there if there was like a machine invented that was a sleep accelerator that instead of climbing into a bed you could just plug yourself in and you come out like feeling like you had a good eight hours and you had like some heavy dreams and had like just like artificial sleep so you probably would

go to bed. No, I do love sleep. Yeah, but only because you get tired. Yeah, yeah. What I've always fantasized about is if you get the clock that freezes time. My primary use of that would be... Do you sleep? Aye.

To pause time, go to sleep, wake up. But I have to have the sleep. I don't want this sleep accelerated. But what if the sleep accelerated? I felt like you'd had So you just feel exactly the way you do When you get out of bed Except maybe it was a bit more refreshed

Because you're less dehydrated Because you haven't been lying there for 8 hours Not eating and not drinking Right So the 15 minutes go by And you've still had the same amount of dreams The same brain waves and everything Am I still in bed?

Yeah sure I've got to be in bed I love bed Bed's best I was thinking it's probably like a machine, like a sunbed that you climb in and pull it down on yourself. No, no, it's got to be. If you can...

I don't know, maybe they could make it comfy. If they've invented that, surely they can make it soft. No, that's for me where the time-freezing has to exist because I'll freeze time, I get into my bed, my comfy bed, and I sleep for eight or nine hours, and then I wake up and it's still fucking, you know, one o'clock in the morning and I can just go up and do stuff.

I fucking wish that I could just get out of bed at whatever time I wake up naturally and just press me watch and it's 9am. You know, just start your day

at 9am every day because some days where I'll just fucking, there's a luxury of being an evening entertainer is you can lie in bed all day, most days.

Fuck man, when I wake up and it's one, I feel bad. I wake up at one and feel like, oh god, that's like a bit of my life i've just give away sometimes like like i think the main reason you oversleep because you and i when we get periods at home i'll go right it's fucking 12 at night i'm just gonna go to bed realistically i'll be on my phone for an hour uh or i'll read a book i'll be in bed by one and then eight hours sleep wake up at nine I'll probably get out of bed about

quarter to ten I'll have finished my breakfast by about quarter past ten whereas when I go to bed at night and I'm like twelve o'clock at night you'll go I see I'm just going to stay up and I'm just like why you're doing all this stuff now that you could because then you'll delay it

you won't go to sleep until three or four you'll just stay up naturally and I'm like... You know what I like about them hours when you've got to bed? Every fucker's got to bed. It's great. Man, like,

there's no traffic on Facebook. There's no notifications. You're not getting text messages. this is your only time away from me? It's away from people. You get like... If you can stay up

while everyone else is in bed, you're the only one up. It's fucking brilliant. All right. All right, I'll give you that one then but do you agree they can pictures of food hashtags excessive hashtags and non-ironic ones yeah like if you've taken a picture of you and

your partner and it's like couple couple Thursday TBT throwback Thursday to when we were in Mallorca in the corner you go okay but then I like it when like Milan our friend Milan does like hashtag best night when we were in Mallorca. Muggles. Yeah. In the corner you go. Okay. But then I like it when like Milan, our friend Milan does like

hashtag best night ever. Yeah, but his hashtags are unique to him. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, so hashtag... If you hashtag Muggles and Cream, absolutely acceptable. Yeah, but if you're hashtagging something

so that you get found in a search by other muggles. Yeah, you're a muggle. Yes. Get in there. Couples with matching clothes do people do that? his and hers

no I walked past a shop the other day this is what made us think it was really like nice designed t-shirt with like black with gold writing on

and the gold said her king and there was a female one with his queen and I was like who are the fucking muggles that's buying that shit but then

it's quite an old people thing they do you get like his and her regatta jackets people that go for walks in the hills the old couples

will be wearing like this that's adorable though like I'll agree and I will also stand in the corner for 30 seconds

because my last girlfriend we both had gone to Altitude where they give you the lederhosen jammies which for me are the comfiest things in the entire world it's just jammy bottoms but give you the lederhosen jammies which for me

are the comfiest things in the entire world it's just jammie bottoms but they look like lederhosen and then also I mean I wear vests around the house because I'm a fucking

narcissist and I like them and she was a girl and so she wore vests and we both woke up and put on our separate jammies and I was in my lederhosen matching jammies

muggle matching jammies are you kidding us it was totally accidental it doesn't fucking matter no it was good you've got them I've got them with you

you've got them too what we've got matching jammie bottoms the lederhosen from I've never worn them once I just got them as a gift you're missing it give me them

I'll wear them I think they're still at your house I'll wear them first and then I'll wear them I think your fucking girlfriend started wearing them I don't know how she got them oh no she got some from when she was there so yeah I think your fucking girlfriend started wearing them Oh no she got some from So

Yeah I think just matching clothes With your partner the minute you start thinking that's acceptable You're running the same gear Like a pair of fucking twins Weird Like that's only acceptable if The only time it's acceptable to wear matching clothes Is if you're brother and sister and you're born on the same day

Yeah if you're twins and you're under the age on the same day. Yeah, if you're twins and you're under the age of five and you're not in charge of buying your clothes yet and your parents are fucking hilarious people. Because I tell you what, if I have twins or triplets, I'm absolutely doing that forever and ever. Well, you're not giving them completely different identities.

Like, have one of the... So you've got, like, little twins, five years old, right? You've got one of them dressed like a fucking 60s Italian gangster with, like, white suit on and a fucking trilby hat. You've got you got the other one like a 90s hip-hop gangster like a fucking big chain on baggy jeans dress one up as a blood and one is a crip yeah i just know we're a fucking shark in a jet i don't know wait do you know about this no when you were jet you were jet was a jet minute that you light your first cigarette.

You ever heard of the Sharks and the Jets? No. It's the fucking original Romeo and Juliet. That was made after it by about 500 years. Sharks and Jets. Sharks and Jets. It's a West Side Story. It's a big musical. That's why I've never seen it.

You don't like musicals? No. I mean, who does? You fucking love a musical. Fucking love it. A whole new world. Don't do them. Don't you dare close your eyes.

Want to see Aladdin? I know. On my birthday? I know. On that Wednesday. Like, here is how whipped you are in your relationship. I'm not whipped. You fucking...

We'll put it to a public... I like it when she calls the shots sometimes she makes good calls oh so on Kai's birthday Kai's birthday right

his girlfriend managed to convince him to buy them both tickets to go see Aladdin at the West End like you're so

under the that's the most under the thumb shit I bought them for her on your birthday no I bought them for her. On your birthday? No, I bought them... I didn't... I wouldn't have gotten the tickets

if I bought them on the day, Daniel. It's fucking sought after show. Bought them well earlier. On your birthday? I hadn't bought her a Christmas present. Because I forgot. You forgot Christmas? So in April...

It's not like a birthday where... So in April, I was like, I might get her something because I didn't... How did you forget Christmas so in April it's not like a birthday where so in April I was like I might get us something because I didn't how did you forget Christmas wait I didn't forget it did the decorations

not give it away well this is the thing with Christmas I think I think it's fucking nonsense right I love to just buy people gifts I think that would be so nice

if you just buy someone a gift they're not expecting it right but when the fucking this corporate bullshit forces you to buy a gift for someone so that you know if you buy someone a gift they appreciate it but christmas is a situation where if you don't buy someone a gift you're a cunt that's not how gift giving should be it really isn't right so i'm fucking i so dig my heels in with christmas and every year i'm like oh fuck it i'd rather just like i end up giving people money right i'll give

my mom and dad money i give god money i give my nephew money giving people money. I'll give my mum and dad money. I'll give my dad money. I'll give my nephew money, my sister money. I'll just give people money. It's totally thoughtless. Sorry, boys. I thought it was going to be a white Christmas, but apparently Kai's making it rain. I'm making it rain, right?

Because this is my... I don't want to be a cunt present, right? But I'll get his gifts at random intervals throughout the year. See, now, I understand where you're coming from, and I just probably agree with you, but I love Christmas.

I absolutely adore it every second of it. Man, it is well. I never get returns for my investments. I don't think I have since I was about 15 years old. I'll throw in about fucking £1,000 and get a bit back. You know, some nice gifts. I see. That's probably what the difference is.

So for me, Christmas... I'm never getting a return for my investment. Every Christmas, my grandparents nail the presents. My mum is amazing at presents. The house is done up. Jean buys me fucking greatest presents. I buy her great presents. My dad, my aunts and uncles.

And then we all sit around and have a massive fucking Christmas meal and get absolute shit-faced together. Like, we decorate the house together, me and Jean. I love it. And if that's muggly, I claim to agree that it is. No, it's all right. I generally get that. I dig my heels inly, I claim to agree that it is. No, it's all right. I generally get that.

I dig my heels in and then I eventually give in and do something. But one year, I went to Sri Lanka and just completely declined Christmas and spent the whole time on a beach. Best Christmas fucking ever. That's my name.

Yeah, see, because you love going away for Christmas. I put a Santa hat on. I took some pills. I had a fucking great time I was swimming with my brother towards a double rainbow on Christmas morning, it was fucking wonderful that's the spirit of Christmas

you couldn't pay me to not be at my house at Christmas, it's got to be every Christmas for the rest of my life you're the least religious family in the world we are, well no not that side of the family. My uncle's the minister and stuff.

Ah, true. But for us, and I fully agree with you, but you're complaining about, you know, it's a religious thing that's been made fucking corporate, whatever. But we've not made it corporate. We've made it family. For me, Christmas has nothing to do with religion. It's to do with everyone that I love and has raised me

and all my favourite people sat around getting shit-faced? Yeah, well, I've always said that, like, if you had two weeks off at the same time as all of your family and all of your friends, I would fucking get behind any story. You could make it Narnia instead of Jesus, and I would fucking celebrate Aslan,

the birth of Aslan, just to have two weeks off with me mates. It doesn't matter what the story is. If you're saying you get two weeks off, you get a load of fucking booze, a load of food off with your pals, then fucking get behind how do you get behind it i just didn't like the corporate nonsense i like the party and like usually when christmas comes like um one time i bought natalie flights to australia for to come out with us and you stayed in the uk yeah i just gave it one way

a ticket i say flights it was a boat but uh just this one year we just decided that um we'd go shopping together and get each other something but natalie said that and then didn't she'd actually jumped the gun and got me something to open and then i was like let's go around the shops and we didn't really find anything on christmas eve and christmas day come and i hadn't gotten that's her fault like Like, that's that classic fucking relationship. Let's not get each other anything. All right, okay, I won't. I got you a little thing.

Fuck you, cunt. You're a piece of shit. Like, whatever you tell me, again, in this relationship, whatever you tell me at face value, I will take, even if I know you're lying, right? Because you've got to learn not to lie. If I ask you, is everything okay, and got to learn not to lie if I ask you is everything okay and you say yes

through gritted teeth and evil eyes I am pretending the rest of the day that everything is fucking okay because fuck you and your game like be honest with me

otherwise I'll go for you that's what I think they should do in football as well like whenever a football player goes down and acts like his leg's broken

from a small tackle treated as if it was a broken leg fly in a fucking helicopter right the second he gets back up strap him down to the board put him in a cast put him in a cast

like the way to get people to stop lying is to go fully along with their lies and make them suffer the fucking consequences of it yeah

like that's I don't lie I'm a very honest person yeah so you've just made that sound acceptable that I didn't buy my girlfriend Chris's phone it absolutely is because she I don't know, I'm a very honest person. Yeah, so you've just made that sound acceptable that I didn't buy my girlfriend a Christmas present. It absolutely is, because she said, don't buy me anything. No, she did.

She was like, we'll just get it together. Because I was humming and harming and doing my whole bar humming bug thing. And we were like, oh, we'll go round the shops. But like, just because of circumstances, we checked into the hotel late, the shops were going to close. And I ended up not getting anything on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day was closed. And then Christmas came and went but then I bought Aladdin tickets to go on my birthday when I had a day off so I didn't that's why I got into this

isn't it Aladdin on my birthday because I bought a Christmas present that was late on my birthday I can't believe we had to see Aladdin

you fucking what other musicals have you seen the Book of Mormon oh the Book of Mormon doesn't count so good because I've seen Book of Mormon I've also seen We Will Rock You when I was young I don't not like musicals have you seen the Book of Mormon oh the Book of Mormon doesn't count so good because I've seen

Book of Mormon I've also seen We Will Rock You when I was young I don't not like musicals I just have you never seen Les Miserables

I never will you know my name is Javay number 362 I went to Argos collection point B is that an Argos thing come and collect

number 342 what are the first lyrics of that I don't know he's singing about Argos I'm making up that? I don't know. He's singing about Argos. I'm making up the words. I don't know them. He's got a number because he's a prisoner.

He's like, my name is Jean Valjean, number 362. I go to the Chinese and order the number 57, beef and black bean noodles. He just says loads of numbers. I don't know what he's saying. I just sing along any for nothing it's the opposite

of karaoke you just make it up don't do it anymore my name is Kai Humphries from N.A. 24 the area code is 01670

here's my phone number what you did 07860 don't do not give back your number on this what was your original Michael corner there 01670 here's my phone number what you did 07860 don't don't give me your number on this what was your original

muggle corner there where did this stem from couples matching clothes oh yeah muggles yeah absolute muggles especially on your wedding day

unless you're gay if you're gay totally acceptable although that no in fact that's would you say even men still have your own identity guys no but what no suits like a lot of suits If you're gay Totally acceptable Although that In fact Would you say Even then You still have your own identity guys

No but what No suits Like a lot of suits Yeah because you have Like the matching suit With your best man And stuff like that there But you have the matching suit

With your groom Aye I think so And I don't know Hey if you know the answer To whether you wear The matching suits With your groom

In a gay marriage Could you please send a message To PO Box 1924 Right My next one is Muggles Hill Walk. With matching regatta jackets? Not just hill walk in general.

You know what? I thought so. It's not a sport. I thought so. It's not a thing. I'm going to go look at the mountains. Why? Look at pictures. Can I tell you something? I was chatting to Dave Harringham, who's lost a lot of weight right and he's looking really trim and i was like fucking hell you've been going to the gym he's like no i've just been doing walking around the countryside uh because we live in yeah northumberland fucking

beautiful countryside and i couldn't get my head around how you would lose weight doing that and then i started looking into fat loss and you've got to keep your heart rate super low like um for me as a 33 year old i have to keep it do about 122 beats per minute so for him it would be a lower heart rate than that now i went out for a jog with a heart rate monitor on and fuck me i was crawling to stay at this heart rate like i wanted to run faster but i couldn't so if you're walking on hills your heart rate's probably going to be at that that perfect like 65 70 bpm for fat loss all right okay so potentially it is as always as always the the uh i don't know

the word i'm looking for is one of the clauses of this if it's for health absolutely as always if anything you're doing is for health or whatever absolutely fucking fine but I know people that just go we're going to go climbing up a Monroe and have coffee at the top do you not like the scenery? nah you live in Scotland?

I do don't get me wrong I love driving through the scenery you don't want to get out of the car and walk to the top of that hill and have a look around and then snowboard down it when I'm in the fucking Alps

I'm at the top but I'm snowboarding I love the scenery then but I'm boarding like I'm doing all the top but I'm snowboarding I love the scenery then but I'm boarding like I'm doing all the fucking thing fucking love snowboarding come to Altitude

yeah come to Altitude snowboard with us on the 10th of December 10th of December to the 15th don't not come like you know

I get it right if you because I've come I've lived my life strapped for cash right some people can't

afford to go snowboarding you know if you can afford to go snowboarding and you listen to this and you don't come to altitude you're fucking playing the game wrong man and the views the views they're amazing again i would say the same thing i've only mountain biked about twice right but again that was i'm in the fucking country i'm enjoying it but there's another bit fucking to it and again if you're hill walking to stay in shape which is again if you're over the age of 40 keep up like that's health health, if you're hill walking to stay in shape, which is again, if you're over the age of 40, keep up, like that's health,

health, health. If you're 25, like in the prime of your life, and you get your thrills from, like, if this goes in Muggle Corner, I feel like I might need to join Muggle Corner.

It's not something I do frequently. I know like, Gavin Ricketts and all that, they do this little adventure club where they'll go camping and they'll go for a walk

And they'll just like There's more things That's canoeing That's canoeing That's camping That's an overnight thing That's an experience Like hell war

Like again At a certain age I think you just I think you have to become It comes at a certain age Because here's And this is why I'm wrong For a bit right

Is because I'm still so young I've not seen All the world I still enjoy getting drunk I still enjoy being a fucking idiot That's where I've not seen all the world I still enjoy getting drunk I still enjoy being a fucking idiot

that's where I get my thrills from and I think it does take a certain age until you want to get back to nature and you can truly see the fucking

beauty of it and that's fine but if you're doing it before you're fucking 35 you've not seen everything else

you've not stayed up till 7 off your nut I liked it as a kid I remember I used to go to Ingram Valley and walk to Lindholm Spout, which had a waterfall and it was just nice and there would always be different bugs and shit like that. They would go by

the stream and there'd be frog spawn and little fish and stuff. I used to do it with my grandparents all the time. Yeah, it's quite nice just getting involved with nature. Especially in a world now where it's all fucking stuck in traffic and if you live a city life I reckon going for a walk in the hills

I don't I think it's not muggling well I'll disagree but it does require a two to one vote a two vote even so what time we're on here

by the way we're on oh 48 fucking hell so do a quick one so I'll just do a quick one I've got one that that requires discussion

but we'll do it another time I'm going to go ahead and say muggles actually stand in the corner. If you've stood in the corner for any of these muggle corners. We haven't. What a muggle. Oh, we've been lying to you.

We haven't stood in the corner once. Not once. You people are muggles. You gullible fucking muggles. You've been standing in the corner because of what two stoners said in a podcast, you fucking idiots.

So if you've done that, go stand in the corner. 30 seconds. And we mean it this time. We mean it. You fucking sheep. So if you've done that, go stand in the corner. 30 seconds. And we mean it this time. We mean it. You fucking sheep. Right. So we're going to plough through the last two games to keep this,

because we want to try and keep it about an hour to make it palatable so you guys can do it. But we should warn you that the next podcast we're doing is on Sunday night because it will be released on Monday but just to warn you that is the day we are in Amsterdam and we have two days off afterwards so the past three podcasts you've listened to we've been incredibly sober

for them as opposed to the first couple when we were shit faced and stoned Sunday night the Monday podcast just be warned we are going to be higher than a fucking giraffe's fanny someone suggested we should do it on mushrooms

now I've been on mushrooms before I don't know if that would make good listening but if I do it and you don't maybe that would be you could do that I don't like mushrooms

they're not my jam yeah I think I'd probably get a bit repetitive too alright right okay so the next game we're going to play is a new one

well it was it's not meant to be a new one it was we actually played it before but then someone didn't fucking turn his fucking goddamn fucking microphone on, so we missed it all.

This one is called Fantastic Lies. So what the game is, is if you say anything with enough confidence that's just vague enough, you can get people to believe anything. For example, we were once in Vegas, and Kai said to me while I was hungover, Can you believe Vegas is the only man-made city?

And there was a solid three seconds where I was like, oh, wow, really? Didn't know that. Obviously. You've rewrote the history because you went, I know. Oh, yeah. You confidently said, I know that Vegas is the only man-made city.

And I had to say, what, you think New York was made by ants? I know, Illuminati. I once convinced our friends Ricketts that mussels were called pistachios of the sea. Yep. And I convinced my own girlfriend that the M6 and the M1 get so heavily populated during rush hour that they had to be classified as cities

and they each have a mayor. So these are just five fantastic lines that we've just made up that sound believable. And there's not really a game to it but if any of you want to see if you can convince any of your friends of these you've got to drop it subtly in conversation it's got to come out of so it can't come out of nowhere because then it sounds stupid it's got to be used in context but if anyone uh if you convince your friend of

any of these please let us know because we will feel incredibly smart i'd be astonished uh there's actually no such thing as the chinese alphabet they're just fucking with us it's like in toy story when a human walks in and they all pretend to be toys again anytime a british or american tourist turns up in china they flip all the sounds around just to confuse us i honestly believe that's the case with whiskey in scotland and deep fried anything i don't think anybody in scotland likes They just dare to get English people to come up and drink it and go blech. I love deep fried pizza and deep fried haggis. Yeah, liar.

It's a Chinese alphabet. The first aeroplane was invented by the Wrights brothers who lived on the Isle of Man and wanted to get off. The eldest of the two, Ian Wright, was quoted in saying necessity is the mother of creation. Avocados

aren't actually healthy themselves, but eating them makes you talk about them constantly, so you actually burn off the calories wanking yourself off. These are meant to be lies. This is a fact. Squares are mathematically circles, and

although visually we can see that they are not, there's yet to be a formula to disprove that they're not circles. Nobody actually believes in conspiracy theories they just talk about them to find out

who else is aware that conspiracy theories don't exist. If you're doing the Macarena on a cruise ship you will you will instinctively jump in the opposite direction should you cross the equator.

All dogs go to heaven, but all cats go to limbo and don't notice much difference. Purgatory. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Bath me and feed me grapes Oh god Because the human body is 97% water

If you clutch a fist full of tea bags In each hand You technically become a cup of tea And fall into the tax bracket During prostitution It's physically impossible to make yourself throw up if you only use your middle finger on your left hand.

Try it. Try it though. Putting tinfoil on your head actually does make it easier for the government to read your thoughts. The fallacy that it stops them being able to get into your head was a clever piece of propaganda to make you do it.

The propaganda backfired, and now the government can only read the minds of certified lunatics. Good, right. I want to our last and favourite game. Your dad jokes. Rami and Kai just say horrible things about each other's dads. Oh, facts. So that was a lie game.

This is a cold-blooded truth game. This is all truth. Right, you go first Your dad cried Because I wouldn't give him 20 pence to use the nutty Right outside of Sainsbury's Your dad uses

Used tampons As lipstick Your dad's currently Stuck up a tree Waiting for the fire brigade To save him Your dad lip synced His vows

Into a hairbrush to save him. Your dad lip-synced his vows. Into a hairbrush. Your dad is one of the only people in the world that can tickle himself. That's why he barely leaves the house. Your dad bleaches his armpits. Your dad opens the door to the paperboy and chats to him. Your dad wears a glow-in-the-dark condom so he can pretend he's a Jedi with a lightsaber dick and he uses the force on your mum.

Your dad buried a time capsule in the back garden for you to dig up when he dies and all that's in it's a burst condom. Your dad uses a snorkel in the shower. Your dad keeps falling asleep on the tube and waking up with cockfusters. Your dad vajazzles. Your dad's Patronus is a butterfly. Niche as fuck. Your dad can only count to eight on his hand because he doesn't believe thumbs or fingers. Your dad is so susceptible to peer pressure that he's bisexual.

Your dad thinks your grandad is living on a farm somewhere and that he's not allowed to visit. Yeah, well, your dad says grace before pooing. Grace. Grace, watch this. Your dad filmed your school nativity play even though you left 20 years ago. Instead of paying for a window cleaner, your dad cleans every window himself

by steaming it up with his breath and rubbing it with his sleeve. Your dad wears knee pads, a helmet and a gumshoe while playing five-a-side. What a muggle. And that brings us to the end of this podcast. So, before we finish, if you would like to see us on tour,

this podcast is going up tomorrow, which is Wednesday. So, today's Wednesday. You can come see us in Antwerp, Belgium, 27th of October. On the 28th of October, Friday night, we will be in Bergen in Norway. 29th of October, Oslo in Norway. That is almost sold out, so get them quickly.

30th of October in Amsterdam is completely sold out, so tough shitcants. Then we've got two days off because we are getting destroyed. And then there'll be a podcast on Monday, which we'll have further information. Yeah, yeah. There'll be the stoner one on... Yeah. And then 2nd of November,

Dusseldorf in Germany. 3rd of November, Cluj in Transylvania. Right. Which you did not believe was a real place. I did not know Transylvania was a real place. So our agent phoned me up and said, hey, Kai,

you're going to be doing a gig on the tour in Transylvania. And this was like me getting a phone call saying you're going to be doing a gig in Gotham City. Like, I took the information the exact same way. I was like, I didn't even realise that was real. And she was like, yeah, you know where Dracula's from. This isn't helping your point. Batman's from Gotham. So if you want to come see any of those dates,

you can find them on Kai's website. KaiHumphreys.com Where you can also buy his USB with his show from Gotham. So if you want to come see any of those dates, you can find them on Kai's website. KaiHumphreys.com Where you can also buy his USB with his show from last year. All the dates are also on my website, DanielSloss.com Also, thanks very much for listening to the podcast. We didn't expect it to be going this way all the way.

And hey, give us a five-star review to wash out that cunt that took us off the leaderboard. We were doing well. We were up with the best of them. I mean, I don't really care, but Kai's very upset about it. Nah, this is why I'd like to be on that chart. It's because I've occasionally watched

things that are on there. So we're going to get more people that are just taking a punt on us because we're on the page. Sweet. Apart from that, fuck you. Bye.