Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep.9 Bad Boys

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

Sending you vibrations from Amsterdam, with weed fuelled tales of youth, muggles and dad jokes. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Right, we're going.

Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do, what you gonna do when your dreams come true? I don't know why he insisted on opening with that. He sang it all today in Amsterdam in the middle of the street. When you stole a song. So we are in Amsterdam.

It's after our tumour gig and I'm as Kai as a height Kai as a height it's nice it's good weed

what are we smoking weed which one green green weed try the green weed if you ever come to Amsterdam

highly recommended four stars don't try the black stuff heroin we've been to Amsterdam for a bit so we've got two days off now and we're just going to spend it high Highly recommended. Four stars. Don't try the black stuff. Heroin. Throwing it. We've been in Amsterdam for a bit, so we've got two days off now, and we're just going to spend it high,

so we do apologise if this podcast is shit, because it is as... Well, mind you, we did start off the podcast high. It's just because we've been sober for three weeks. Maybe the standard's gone up. We did warn people as well. We'll let them know in the previous episodes that this is Amsterdam.

Yeah, so this is your fault. Like, you were warned. It was either this or nothing. We're not going to... Oh, we've got the podcast to do. We'd better stay level-headed. We'll let them know in the previous episodes that this is your fault. Like you were warned. We're not going to, we've got the podcast to do, but I stay level headed. I want to be a compass mentis for the podcast. I can't be yourselves.

You know, go up. You're a real fan. You've got to see the real side of us. So we, we got given some weed at the gig in Ghent. And, um,

cause this guy comes to the gig every time we do the gig and he's always got weed for us. We'll have a smoke with him. And then we were having such a good laugh in the car on the way back before we'd record a podcast like his bonus one and record it 20 minutes like high as fuck listened to it

back the next morning and just went nah so we might release that in the future but at the moment we were like it'd be really funny

if we were not great for him in the car we were fucking hilarious we just relived that aye she just lived in the moment she just recorded it anyway just get in the car

aye so that podcast was like there was some funny bits in it but then there was bits where we just forgot what we were talking about yeah we literally had a good

five minute argument about who said what but the fact it was recorded aye and then three minutes of silence while we kissed and made up sorry kissed and made up and then three minutes of silence while we kissed and made up sorry kissed and made up

and then ten minutes of noise so if you've come to see us in the past couple of days where the fuck have we been we've been to Norway oh yeah

we've been to Norway we've been to wherever there was before that Belgium oh Belgium oh yeah so if you came out

in Belgium and you came out in Norway thank you came out in Norway thank you very much and in Amsterdam they've all been great now we've got two days off and all the boys are arriving

all the boys all the lads the bad boys don't say it again what are they going to do when their dreams come true so we've got a bunch of comedians joining us in Amsterdam

for two days today on Monday and we're just going to get absolutely mullered we've got a bit of a party game so we have this game whenever we go on a holiday with the boys, with the lads, with the legends

lock up your daughters don't, that's what we're first on lock up your bikes, we're in Amsterdam it's called Jeff so what we do is we pretend that it's Jeff Stagg and that Jeff has to wear a ridiculous costume but the thing is we pretend that it's Jeff Stagg too and that Jeff has to wear a ridiculous costume. But the thing is we don't have a friend called Jeff.

Jeff is just whoever we decide is the person who's done the dumbest thing the most recently. And they've got to wear this horrific outfit that we've spent a solid two hours making. I can't reveal the details because I know that Elliot, who's coming to Ramsey, he'll be listening to this podcast in the morning. The type of thing that will make you Jeff is something like Elliot done today. So Milo's trying to Amsterdam he'll be listening to this podcast in the morning the type of thing that will make you

Jeff is something like Elliot done today so Milo's trying to check them in online and he texted Elliot on the

WhatsApp group saying send me a picture of your passport so you can get the details and Elliot sent a picture

of his clothes of his fucking passport yeah and that's the type of action that they've done in the moment

you're like Jeffrey and then that person becomes Jeff and you swap clothes and there's also a punishment if you're like Geoffrey and then that person becomes Geoff and you swap clothes and there's also a punishment

if you're Geoff again we can reveal it it sounds dull but it is but we get high and enjoy it Muggly it's pretty damn

fucking muggly isn't it well is it muggly because we're taking the piss out of stag dudes like I feel like we're being ironic there is an extra layout to it

for sure it is just embarrass your fucking friends yeah but it's essentially doing the same thing. We started this off, we were in Benidorm three years ago because we wanted to go on a proper shitty lads holiday. And the shirt was Jeff Stagdew and it was a picture of Kai's brother Gav shirtless.

And if you were Jeff, you had to pretend that you were getting married to Kai's brother Gav which was funny because it's Benidorm and it's not the most liberal thinking place in the world so people's reactions because you have to be like I think it was Tom Hunt when he was at Jeff, some guy was like

oh so you're getting married, congratulations, who to? and Tom was like oh, his brother and the guy was a bit taken back he was like oh no I don't mind that man I've got no problem with the gays I had quite a few friends that were gay back in the day

but they all died the big A the big A the big A and we were just sat at this fucking table like

oh my god this is they all died the big A and then he had a wistful moment I just went oh I

big A lost him in the big W Woolworths the big A and then he had a wistful moment aye just went aye big A lost him in the big W Woolworths the big W Waterstones Waterstones no it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not Is that how old you are? Put them out of business. I bought Pokemon cards. That's what I did. Aye. I got turned down from buying, you know, the movie Speed with Keanu Reeves. Why? I went to Woolworths to buy Speed on VHS.

Didn't know how I'd do. What age is Speed? Fifteen. How old were you? Sixty or something or something. You were such an ugly kid as well I know you've done that on stage

but do you reckon it was hard for your parents to love you I reckon I would have been cute as fuck cute as a button I reckon I owned it nah

I looked like a little you got beat up on the daily can nah I got into fights blah yeah I got beat up when I got chuggy boated

into the the water the long jump pit was full of water and I got chuggy-boated into the water, the long jump pit was full of water and I got chuggy-boated into it. I just got thrown... Felling me back. See, I don't think I ever got bullied too much. I think I did once.

I've never been punched. I got bullied like a little bit. I found it weird. I remember my first day of high school, I cried in the bathroom. Did you? Aye. Because I didn't know anyone.

You're looking in the wrong place. Were you in the bathroom? I was looking... No, I was just... I didn't know anyone You're looking at the wrong place I was looking at the bathroom I was looking at Nah I was just I didn't know anyone in the bathroom I spend the days moaning Myrtle You come out of the bathroom

Now and again You know some people So where Where your real friends are So I got my school bully Kicked the shit off And nonced I did

It's Your choice of words Is what keeps the fans Coming back So I got my school bully, kicked the shit off and nonce. I did. Your choice of words is what keeps the fans coming back. It's a concise appraisal of what happened. Right. When I was in school, there was this guy called Andrews Winters, who, as far as I know, he hasn't posted on Facebook since 2011, so he might be dead. Spoiler alert.

He might just not be very active on Facebook I don't know but my school bully Andrew Winters he forced me and my mate to have a fight with each other

he was like you two fight each other or I'll beat you both up oh my god so we started having this real like pussy fight like hardly hitting each other

like pretending it hurts like hitting him doing stuff your childhood is the bleakest thing it makes me laugh so hard how bleak

so much all your childhood stories people are at home and the guy's just going oh god what was I saying I was getting beat up so beating each other up

and he went how are lads making effort I didn't know what to do but my mate did my mate was like are we not making effort he fucking levelled us

just tossed us around like a fucking empty tracksuit I was like I've got fucking lynched off my buddy Paul I'm not talking to him anymore fucking

he saw his out didn't he so he got out of that one But lost a friend Scratched him off My Christmas card list And that way My bread's

But not with Paul You think you know a guy Yeah Oh fuck I used to Trade pogs with that cunt Fucking act nice Like you like us

just want to be fucking swaps you keep the shit out of us the first chance you get oh can I

thanks for the permission I was gonna anyway you said yes this actually makes it look a bit better on me

it's a little bit of a fucking free pass If anything I should probably get away with it Do you want some more water or the kettle? You've brought the water You've not boiled it though I went upstairs The kitchen's upstairs

What was that story about the time That you and your mate went to the restaurant And picked each other's courses? Oh yeah, hold on. So let's finish this thought. I brought down a jug of water, but there was no jug to bring further the water, so I brought the kettle. Why? Why not?

Use the kettle as a jug. I'm glad we got it. Why didn't anyone do that? They did. Is a jug as well as a kettle? You can just use it as a kettle. Well, maybe you might turn it on. It's fully functional.

Swiss Army kettle. Do what you want with it. Everything's a kettle if you're brave enough We've said One of the things that tickled me properly the other day All dogs lead to Rome All dogs lead to Rome All Roms go to heaven and then the other day on stage

I said something that made myself nobody in the audience laughed I was confused you think I was just confused it made me laugh so hard I can't remember what I was talking about I was like I've never been in a fight I bleed like a peach

instead of bruise I bleed like a peach kiss like a peach. A peach. A peach. Instead of bruise, a bead like a peach. A bead like a peach. Kiss like a peach. So me and Daya used to... Your friend Daya. Yeah. Named after his chat.

Diabolical. So we would pick each other's meals at the curry house and we'd stitch each other's meals at the curry house and we'd stitch each other up like somehow I don't even know how it was on the menu

but he bought me a full trout as a starter and it hadn't been boned I was picking trout off the bone for my starter and for his drink I got him a pint of boiling water to have with his curry

asked him not to boil the rice but he wouldn't can I have the rice uncooked please I'm like oh baby I like it raw did they do it yeah they did I was like

bring me boiled water and take it yourself bring me bring the own rice next time. How would you like your rice can I get mine rare please? So em

I got battered off me mate so like a pussy I went and snitched. Obviously I'm fucking grassed on him I'm singing like a canary

felt Mrs McGonagall on him. Aye. So em I'm fucking grassed on him I'm singing like a canary I felt Mrs McGonagall on him Aye So em Ginger Snitch I did I did Listen to this The Ginger Snitch

The Ginger Snitch So there I was in IT Which was Fucking playing with typewriters The age I am So I was in IT, I was being naughty

I'll tell you what happened I was looking at Jenny McCarthy on the internet another model, playboy model, press control and P, print out next to the teacher printed a picture of Jenny McCarthy where Ted Suttnick's the teacher. Fucking just had a look on the little, you know, where you can tell who's been using the printer. 96 Humphreys K. Who could that be? I don't know who that is. Fucking deputies at the class, right?

I'm in the corridor in the class. I look through the window of the class opposite. There's fucking Andrew Winters making eye contact with me. I go, oh like oh fuck's sake so yeah I says I miss if he can get out of the toilet I said if he can go to the toilet and he comes out of the corridor and he probably picked us up by our top

and put us up against the wall like probably a cliche stuffed us in a locker give you a wedgie give you a wedgie I flushed my head down the toilet give you a wet willy blew you he wet me baby's arm yours is more like me baby's arm You're just more like

A baby's finger So So There he goes Up against the wall right And I wet myself A little bit of weight out I had a little piss

Fucking Down the window I just got his off Because I had snitched on him Fucking telling us again I was just pissing But it was alright I got on with my day Because everyone just thoughtitched on him fucking telling us again I'm just pissing but it was alright I got on with my day

because everyone just thought I stunk of piss anyway because I was ginger so no one bat an eyelid but then I felt this last time yeah Jill what had happened

and she snitched she told her boyfriend who was in yeah like the the top year that's why I was saying it was announced

because she was in my year he was like six form or something so I think it made him like statutory oh yeah he's a good lad I don't want to cast any aspersions but I don't think what he was doing was legal good good lad fucking proud tough hard lad and then he battled with us all over, I would say, at the school. All over means all over. All over. He just chinned him. He just kicked him running.

I was just stood over him. He was specks on me, big change of hair. I got on fucking Debo, got knocked the fuck out. So I walked around that school. I had a fucking S on my chest because fucking Mala had battled me bully. But then at the end of the year he obviously he left because he'd finished and then Winters

was going to be the hardest in the school fucking changed schools didn't I got a new dodge that one of my chips I stacked I was winning I was fucking twatting him he got battered all over

then next thing you know I'm out the back door you know Superman runs away from a fight beat Batman up once Fucked off forever Am I already winning? Oh fucking

Checkmate Hold on Right We'll pause it there They wouldn't have known that No They just went straight from Seamlessly from

Seamlessly from Bantat Just hello again You're snitching Every part of your life They didn't have to know I'm not Aren't they?

They would have guessed stop patronising them of course I would have fucking realised oh I was fucking trying to win them

over right should we go for our first game I'll ask them what do you think guys should we go for our first game

that sounded like yes Daniel we're going to play Muggle Corner for those of you who have not listened Muggle Corner

is basically Muggle is a term that is in the Harry Potter world but me and Kai use it to describe people that we think are just a little bit ready salted yes a little bit boring and ordinary and just not many not not many thoughts passing between their eyes but they've got a

certain programming that they're certain outputs they do yeah that are noticeable yeah and we think they've got tells yeah now the thing is you can do some of these muggle things. We're guilty of some of them as well. It doesn't mean you're a muggle because you don't do it all the time, but this is just telling you that you probably, if you do this, you're a bit fucking bland. Yeah. You match your socks.

Yeah, and everything you have to do, you have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds if you're guilty of one of the things. Yeah, and we're often guilty of the things that we put forward. I'm going to go for some controversial ones today. Oh, yeah. You do that. You do.

You've got very... Ones that need a little bit of discussion. Aye. Muggles are scared of flying. Aye. Aye. Yeah. Because you can...

You know, when you... When you... I was talking to Eric about this today. When you get scared in a flight, it's like if something bad happens. Like, so if the airplane starts making a noise off the fucking the hostess starts running

and straps herself in that's when you should get panicked and scared but don't just generally be there it's just like don't get me wrong

sometimes I'm guilty I'll be like if I'm on a flight and you go through a bit of turbulence it always crosses your mind I always think I may die

it's a little bit illogical I gotta be a bitch about it I may die fucking so what loads of bit illogical. I've got to be a bitch about it. I may die. Fucking so what? Loads of people die. I think I can't do it. I'll do it in my sleep.

I'll do it while screaming. Ah, we're going to die. I could die with my eyes closed. It's easier that way, actually. Cross a road. Your legs closed. I just yeah like does that mean

it's the getty cat people are just like I can't fly I'm too scared and like oh shit like just read the stats

like it is I know it's such a cliche to be like you're more likely to die in a car crash than you are in an airplane crash but that's true

like it's so true yeah I was fucking with Alfie Brown was scared when he was flying at altitude snitching again snitching on everyone I'll be fucking wee I was fucking with Alfie Brown I was scared when he was flying at altitude I snitched again

I snitched on everyone I'll be fucking He's got loose lips He's generally scared of flying And then I just told him a fake fact It was actually from a Stephen King book And I looked it up and it turned out it wasn't a fact A little bit of backstory to my knowledge

Snitch with Stephen King Stephen King for lying in his books lying in his fiction so I told Alfie that if a plane statistically the planes that crash have got more people

that have missed that flight as if they're getting some like unconscious message not to get that flight and I was telling him this fact and the flight that we're on

was fucking empty it was it was two dozen people on like a 50, 60 seater not to get that flight. I was telling them this fact, and the flight that we were on was fucking empty. It was two dozen people on like a 50, 60 seater. And then Natalie found an eyelash on my cheek, and she put it in front of us on her finger and went, make a wish, and blew the eyelash away and went, I wish this plane would crash.

I wish this play would crash I was such a Such a girl Just terrified On that I just don't Be scared of something real Like moths And velvet

Like I am You're scared of velvet I can't touch velvet Why Fucking It's like nailing down a chalkboard for me Do you remember that time We were gigging in Cardigan

And they put like a velvet cover Over the fucking table And you were out on stage Before me And you touched it And we were gigging in Cardigan and they put like a velvet cover over the fucking table and you were out on stage before me and you touched it and you were like, I guarantee, I'm just telling your audience, I wasn't watching you. I had better things to do.

And you were like, she said to them, Sloss won't be able to touch this table. And sure enough, when I came out without any cue from you, I was just like, ugh. Yeah,

they knew what was going on. It just freaks me the fuck out. Yeah. And I was like, I don't like moths Just because like Well I'm going to start Getting velvet underwear

Stop you fucking wearing them Stop wearing me underwear Stop leaving them in my mouth I'm seen With bad form Stop wearing me Stop wearing me stop wearing me stop wearing me

underpants you're stretching them we have a get cock you stretch out the back of mine just by shitting them aye you're fucking brave

wearing my boxers fuck you think we're dirty bandage they're not the same like it's Calvin Klein ones. Aye.

Aye, but I've got them too. There's movies that we cross them over. No, but yours are different ones. How? I don't know. Yours are G-strings. Aye. They're lazy numbers.

Mine are women's. I remember when I wore women's perfume. Oh, yeah. In Vegas We were out in Vegas for the first time UFC with Anderson Silva Via Chris Whiteman too And we get to the hotel

And we're going to go see our friends And Kai comes out of the bathroom And I'm like It smells like girl in here He's like what I'm like buddy I'm not accusing you of anything But do you smell like girl I know you wouldn't what i'm like buddy i'm not accusing you of anything but do you smell like girl like i'm not and i know you wouldn't cheat but you smell you're like no no i can't smell i'm like you definitely smell like girl something i smell you and i go through the

bathroom and there is a there's a fucking thing of perfume sitting there i'm like i think it's probably this fucking perfume you were like oh it's mine and I was like what do you have girls perfume and you were like oh it's not girls and I'm like it's in a love heart no it was like

a love knuckle and it was like that sleek bottle it was clearly perfume and you were like it's not perfume I was like

who got you and he was like oh my dad got me it and I was like your dad bought you perfume and he was like no it's aftershave and I was like

what did your dad say when he gave it to you and you went oh your mum said it's your dad's favourite and I was like, what did your dad say when he gave it to you? He went, oh, your mum said, oh, it's your dad's favourite. And I was like, yeah, on her. Like, that's what... I got it and went, it's your dad's favourite.

But I just thought it was his favourite aftershave. And that was finale. You open your girl's present and start wearing it. Snitch. So I wore this fucking perfume because as well when we were bumping into Brett

and Brett was like someone smells like a Tartan bag I thought he was just mocking that I had a lot of aftershave on no you actually do

smell like a Tartan bag yeah and then we've done loads of stuff we went to the gun range we've done like manly stuff smelling like pussy

and eh met Bisping smelling like pussy. And, met Bisping. I met Michael Bisping. Got to cuddle up him. Got to put my arm around him for a photo now then. Borrowed a little in. Good snap.

He wiped me. I don't even know why I'm horny. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm just eluded by that man. Smells like Kev's wife. That's going to be the fight. Can't see if she smells like Linda.

She. Call me still for she in my own skin. Best big rips you. So do you agree, muggles are scared of flying? Pussies. You wimps. Chicken shits. What's your one?

Muggles camp out for concert tickets we've done this one was there not someone done when I waiting for oh mine was for

movies oh did you oh yeah well fucking previously on muggles and cream but no yeah I'll totally agree

like everything's online because it's well why don't when you camp out for a concert ticket the reason I brought this up was like I've gotten concert tickets before

that I sought after it when we got the M&M tickets for Wembley. You just do it online. Right. Your dad camps out for tickets in his bedroom. Just refreshing the screen in the tent. But in the actual tent. Campfire going.

Outside in the garden. I used to love camping in the garden. I say. Just hoping you get my message it's because my dad wouldn't let us in sometimes you gotta piss your pants at school

no sort of main piss at my pants at school get in the tent in the garden make sure you book M tickets for us stop fucking looking at pictures of

Jenny McCarthy you wee pervert aye if you camp out for music tickets you're absolutely a muggle get in the corner for 30 seconds I'm fucking looking at pictures of Jenny McCarthy You wee pervert Aye If you camp out for music tickets You're absolutely a muggle Get in the corner for 30 seconds And camp out in the corner Aye

Muggles watch the Eurovision Song Contest Oh and they tweet about it Aye And it's What it is People are like We watch it ironically Nah you're a muggle mate

You're a muggle You watch it because people are watching it And you can nod at them Aye You're like oh we watch it Did you watch that Yeah did you watch it because people are watching it and you can nod at them. You're like, oh, we watch it? Did you watch that? Yeah, did you watch it? You can do those tweets

that get like 30 retweets and 60 likes but only by a certain amount of people. Like, it's good for a bit, but yeah, Phil, it's not. Eurovision. Are they even good?

Are we going to be allowed to do that after Brexit? Oh, no. We're going to have to have a chuckle version. I don't know what happened i just spat a word my brain went kai you need this and i said chuckle vision he went that's not what i wanted oh i don't know how my brain works sometimes which was one of the muggle

corners from previously on muggins and cream and stuff that you actually say all the time i don't know how my brain works sometimes uh So, have you ever watched the Eurovision Song Contest? Nah. Never. I remember there was like, I remember one year there was big hype because Gina G

was just a little bit, a little bit more. Fucking she took the world by storm. Tang Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang. Huh? Tang Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang. There, there,

different one. Oh. What do you think I am? Is that not from the 60s? Ooh-ee-ah-ting-tang-wa-la-la-ba-gma. Tang-wa-la-la-ba-gma. Is it not like... No, it's like the 90s, you dumb cunt.

What's it off? The cartoonies. Are they not called the Toonies, the Loonies? The Goodies? No. Ooh-ee-ah-ting-tang-wa-la-la-ba-gma. Shazam it. Right, I'll sing it.

You shazam it. Ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ah-ooh-ah-wa-la-la-ba-gma. Okay. That wasn't even close well at least it took the attention away from Chucklevision you definitely saved it

with that one I made a diversion right it's Brexit you can't be in the Eurovision in the Brexit no I don't know

you can't be in the Champions League question yeah we're still in Europe as a continent oh yeah fucking dipshit Geoffrey Geoffrey see that would get him Question Yeah We're still in Europe As a continent Oh yeah Fucking dipshit

Geoffrey Geoffrey See that would get him a Geoff shit Just like That week when I was pretending That you could go on Facebook on your Nokia Oh you fucking dipshit

I was like Oh when you had an old phone You couldn't have emojis Like how are you getting on Facebook on your Nokia Can we not do replays From the previous episode please Oh I'm just nostalgic

Right Eurovision Song Contest In the muggle corner How many plays from the previous episode, please? Oh, I'm just nostalgic. Me, me. Me, me. Right, Eurovision Song Contest. In the Muggle Corner. Muggle Corner, you absolute backs of shit. What about getting the name on the back of your shirt? All right, unless you're a football player, fuck off. Aye.

Oh, wait, no, I've got it. No, take it back. I had to. What a cool thing to do. Aye. So I got, I think I went one step Muglier. I had a nickname on the back to do aye so I got I think I went one step mugglier I had a nickname

on the back of my shirt so does mine mine says Slausage on the back of mine and 25 because it was for my 25th birthday

it was for my parents my parents bought me a shirt with the name of my dick on the back of it and the name of my dad's dick is that Slausage Junior? no

is that Slausage Senior? no Is that a slushage senior? No, I size him for a quid So I had Kai Bosch Aye On the back of me Number 8 Barcelona top Barcelona?

Barcelona Number 8 Kai Bosch That was me That's the avatar I made myself That day I used to I think it's always been I just sloshoss, but yeah, no, I'll agree with that. Like sports tops.

I do like them though, as jammies, but I'll agree it's muggly. Like, he's dressing up as someone who kicks a ball. Dressing up as a player. Aye. You're going to like, dress like Harry Potter, dress as Harry Potter there. Aye. You've been through this. You did this.

This is more previously. Aye. I did that when I was fucking 14 but we've discussed it on the fucking podcast so I fully agree so does your mam know slossage is the name of your penis

aye did she not just say slossage because it's like a funny word nah what did she not just talk about your cock

aye well because I did it as a joke she's seen it on my stand up she named it I call mine I call mine, er, I call mine Soldier. Dipping in eggs. I dip in my girlfriend's eggs in the morning.

And he's a little soldier. He stands at attention. Fires from the hip. He's got a helmet. Marches into battle. He's, er, shot a bunch of Syrian kids. So he pretends to be dead. He normally arms over the head because he's too shot a bunch of Syrian kids so he pretends to be dead normally I was over the head because he's too scared to kill them can often

be seen in the trenches trench foot he's homeless begg begging on the streets He's got PTSD PTSD People laughed in public then Someone was holding the handle on the tube Just did a little laugh Made eye contact with a couple of people

What are you listening to? Mugg of people were like who were you listening to oh Muggins and Cream oh me too oh hi which one you listening to I'm listening to the one where Kai got fucking bitched by that

muscly guy oh you don't know where he snitched every five seconds notice the theme Muggins and Snitch there's loads of graffiti around Blythe

now with people to snitch do you know that you'll be like is it you snitching on them there's one Cockney Nickies a grassing bick in this put the C in the T Graffiti run blivey die with people to snitch. Do you know that? You'll be like Is it you snitching on them? There's one Cockney Nickies a grassing bick

in this put the C in the T the wrong way around Isn't that them snitching on snitches? Aye. Snitching? Snitch-seption.

It's the part called Nicky Out of Black. So I had snitching on them for snitching. Mugs. So what was that one you just did? Oh, no, I was not making a point.

It was graffiti. Oh, no, I think that's what it's called. Get the name on the back of your shirt. Do I need to do it now? No, no, that's it. And my last one is, Muggles go live on Facebook. Yeah.

Like, I know, again, like, we agree that, you know, posting statuses, I really shouldn't be on your fucking feed if I don't want to learn about your life. But that's just narcissism to the nth level. And what are they doing? Just, like, streaming the night out? I don't want this. It's just like, all right, so I've just sat down to have some spaghetti bolognese.

It's a vlog. Aye, but it's live. It's not even a vlog. It's just, and people and people like people comment underneath them and there's always that thing where like they're just doing a little banter

by themselves and someone comments and they lean over and they read it and they go aye aye Jeff aye you're right it's a good one

aye bye sorry this is Jeff he's my friend like they're doing a call in like a cam girl people make themselves like live Jasmine

it's like doing like striptease isn't that fat dude called Darren it's that dude like striptease isn't that fat dude called that one it's like fucking clothed

muggle babe station muggle babe station blokes oh she's being like I suppose it's just me watching

the football what the fuck are you doing cunt I can't raise one eyebrow look I'll can't raise one eyebrow look I'll try and raise one eyebrow I'm just both of them

both of them I don't know how my brain works I think if you're a celebrity like the UFC you do it sometimes and that's fine because that's kind of like that's a frequently asked question

it's the MMA fighters answering questions fine you're not him like we do it on Punch Drunk we live stream the wrap up At the end

Where I give it up for the acts Just to capture the atmosphere At the end of the night Muggles Muggles the lawyer Oh that looks like fun Wish I was there Where's my invite

Where's my Where's my invite Right what's your final one My final one is What I can't read me on writing Can't you taste your own breath Tastes like kisses Did I tell you today

I blew a kiss at someone And sneezed As I was blowing a kiss Nearly knocked them out Give them whiplash Fucking kissed Just fucking Knocked them right in the dish

Dropped the shop Hi Rant the wads It's good to cuddle Kiss nearly knocked them out. Give them whiplash. Fucking kiss just fucking knocked them right in the dish. Drop that shopping. Hi. Rant awards, it's good to cuddle. I was pulling a kiss to a dog. Somebody tripped me up, I accidentally hit a baby. What happened there? I was pulling a kiss to a dog and somebody tripped me up in a mist.

You hit a baby right in the lips. You tongue kissed a baby. Who blows a tongue kiss? Who doesn't? Do like a little snug on your hand. Snug your hand, then blow it. Sometimes it gets a bit sticky though because it's wet. It doesn't leave your hand, it's got a bit of purchase. Two finger blast your hand and then blow it.

Blow it, aye. You can blow it on the baby. I can't believe you snog your hand and you blow it. I got the hiccups. I actually got the hiccups for the podcast. This is brilliant. Oh, drinking game. You've got to have a shot every time.

Daniel hiccups. So I ran around Poland when I had the hiccups. I was trying to explain to them that I had the hiccups so I remember in Poland when I had the hiccups I was trying to explain to them that I had the hiccups and then when I hiccuped they were like ah schnipschnop just by the way full disclosure it was not schnipschnop like a generalisation

had the same sound I'll fucking google it and I'll guarantee it's nothing but schnipschnop so every time I hiccup They're translating it So I was like Snips up I've just fucked that up I've just

I've gone What's hiccups for Polish Walk away from the phone While high So my I'm not done I'm not done What's Polish for hiccups

I'm not done I'm gonna keep on talking Now you've put us off. You've threw us out of our side. Stop stifling your hiccups. Here we go. Shakwa. Shakwa?

That's what I said. That's what I said. No, you said schniff schnoff. I said very schniff schnoff. If I say schniff schnoff, people know what I mean.niff schnaff. I say very schniff schnaff. You know, if I say schnaff schnaff, people know what I mean. Skiff schnaff. So, I started doing my hiccups in Polish. Stop stifling them.

You do a grunt instead of a hiccup. You can break a jaw. You can break a jaw. Would you squeak when you hiccup, you little girl? You can dislocate a jaw brick keeping your hiccups in. You can. I don't want to be whacking my fucking slack jaw through Amsterdam.

Got a wee chup in your fucking jaws just hanging. Think of it like it fancies all the prostitutes. Like, oh, she's dropped it. Stop stifling them, you're going to hurt yourself. Oh, right, go. You don't want to be injured. Busted gut. You're putting your phone

on aeroplane mode for take off for flight Don't put it on flight mode It's fine What if the plane crashes? Imagine This way it's going to fly

Beep beep beep Beep beep beep The plane just starts Just text stop to flight It's the same thing like the other day we were going through at Parth I was filling up the car with petrol and I'm filling it up

and it only gets like 25 quid and my tank should take more than that I'm just like fuck and I'm on my phone the whole time and I go in and the woman's like I stopped you I think because you were on your phone and I was like why she was like because it's dangerous I'm like no it's not like there's zero signs behind it

they've proven time and time again That it doesn't fucking cause Like if I was smoking Fair one She's like Well it's company policy I'm like I'll absolutely accept

It's company policy As long as you realise That you're fucking wrong It's not an explosive The fact that your car rolls in With cylinders firing Like the spark plugs Firing in your car

And those sparks Are going to be way more than Like if all you had to do To blow up a fucking petrol station, right, was make a phone call or a text in it, do you not think that's what I said we'd be doing instead of making their own fucking bombs? Just go to any petrol station at rush hour, free bomb.

Yeah, just make a phone call. Aye. Make a phone call. Aye, as long as you have the dolphin plan or whatever, you'll be fine. Yeah, if you've got lots of minutes. If you've got limited minutes. Some limited bombs. Oh, no, I guess the phone goes up in it, though.

Yeah, yeah. Geoffrey. What? So. It was your Geoff thing. No, your... Aeroplane mode. Aye.

Oh, that... Yeah, yeah, I think... Yeah. What am I doing? It's when they made the... Switch me off, then back on again. Hey, Daniel, turn me on, then back on again. When they did the the I go to

can you turn your kindle off for take off I'm like nah it's a book like unless the book I'm reading is how to blow up a plane

while it's taking off do you want us to turn my watch off as well your watch is ticking do you want us to stop this fucking muppet come here and say that

you what mate you having a giggle you having a laugh you mag oh so yeah if you're using aeroplane mode for aeroplanes I fully agree with you what mate you having a giggle you having a laugh you mug oh so yeah if you're using aeroplane mode

for aeroplanes I fully agree with all those so let's just go through and if you've done any of these things get in the corner for 30 seconds

if you are scared of flying in the corner for 30 seconds if you watch Eurovision even if it's ironically get in the fucking

corner my girl if you go live on Facebook go live and but you standing in the fucking corner, muggle. If you go live on Facebook, go live, but you standing in the fucking muggle corner. Like, live Facebook,

you standing in the corner like the fucking muggle you are. Yeah, shame the devil. With your Annie that you only see at Christmas being like, oh, you look dead sexy today. Hard, hard, hard, hard. And it's kind of like,

it's weird that she'd say that, but you like the compliment, so you just take it. Thanks, Annie. Kiss. Muggle fuck. Enjoy the corner. Was that all he was?

Aye. Sealed it off with a hiccup. Come out for concert tickets. You might have already done your 30 seconds. If you've done your time, then I wouldn't sweat it. People like it. Their name on the back of their shirt.

They're going to get a call up. Oh, my God, I've got my gear I was waiting for this call and it happens I'm not gonna dust off this whole thing I'm glad my phone wasn't on silent

fucking name on your top and what's the last one putting your phone on aeroplane mode on flight just getting texts as far as you can I was texting not June takeoff.

I was up in the air, sending texts. Texting the pilot, what are you up to? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? My boxers as well. You as well.

Fucking everyone wear my boxers. No, they're not going through them. God, they're getting worse. Right, should we have a spliff? Stand on your head for 30 seconds. Stand on it? Yeah, stand on it. With your feet.

Stand on your head before I do. Do you reckon that's the Ackerman version of trying to suck your own dick? Stand on your head. Right, that's it. Let's go for a joint. Pause. And we are back. All right. That's it. Let's go for joint. Pause. And we are back. Back and floating on the ceiling.

We've got a couple of games. All right. Are we going to go for newphemisms? What are we doing? Newphemisms on this week's show, Cream? So the newphemisms is a game we play where we come up with new euphemisms for things that we think need new euphemisms is a game we play where we come up with new euphemisms for things that we think need new euphemisms. So we've gone for euphemisms for penises, euphemisms for vaginas, and euphemisms for getting high.

And let's start off with the euphemisms for getting high. You want to start with that one? Aye. Because your mum inspired this one. Aye. So this is basically, I was texting my mum the other week, and I was asking, because we're in Amsterdam, and she obviously knows that I'm going to get high off my fucking box, and she was asking about if,

like last time she saw me smoking weed in front of her, she was like, oh, you sparked up in front of me. And I was like, sparked up? You're fucking adorable. She was like, is that not cool to say? And I was like, well, no, I think the problem is, once you're over the age of 45, nothing you say sounds cool. She was like, is that not cool to say? I was like, well, no, I think the problem is once you're over the age of 45, nothing you say sounds cool. She was like, well, you and Kai were there

dubbing a floobie or whatever you call it. Dubbing a floobie? So we've just been dubbing a floobie. Mum's inspired this game. So I am as baked as a potato. Nice. Yes, you are. I am cumulonimbus.

I'm proper rift off me schnooster. I'm smugging me chops off. I'm gadzooked. I'm connecting to the mainframe. I'm as high as a biscuit tin. That's good. Well, I'm turning up gravity. Nymphomisms for penises.

I'll go first right the noblisk the noblisk the obelisk what's an obelisk again it's like a big thing

dictionary description the toddler's thumb a snake that lost a lot of weight recently but kept the skin.

Spoon and prong. The vole's nose. Neptune's anchor. The fountain of youth. Satan's saber. Right, and then finally, euphemisms for vaginas. You go first.

Dusty SNnez cartridge. Because you're blowing it when it's not working. The slug's mouth. The wishing well. Flappy Gilmore. The seaman's tomb. Evander Holyfield's ear.

Oh, God. Chewed. Bloody. In the middle of a box in a knife-tizer's mouth. The business lounge. The business lounge The Oh no we're done The Trolls in Ostril

Oh that's where we are The Wallet of Trust The Wallet of Trust Right You can make a deposit on it Right we're on to 40 minutes And we've only got your dad jokes yet So we should probably fucking

Talk to each other Aye Should we play rock paper scissors just live live on the waves we'll live stream it aye put it on Facebook live

play rock paper scissors for a bit just being like oh I should have gone rock and then you should have gone rock people will be guessing my inside bits running changing hands start a book

I got odds on six to one that he's going to pay paper nah he always plays a paper second let's just try

to go rock let them get whatever I've patented him I've worked him out so we've got

this game as well it's another game something that we do because we're friends every time we're playing

every time we're playing a game of something main games if we're playing a game of something like shuffleboard and like who goes first we go right

I'll flip a coin and I'll get an imaginary coin and flip it and then let Daniel guess and I'll put it on my hands and then pretend to lose even though there's no coin no coin

I'll flip the no coin and you'll call tails and I'll go ah damn tails you can go first we played chapel board a lot yesterday

yeah got competitive oh this is what I can tell them you'll be interested to hear this I woke up in Bergen

and I lost my crowns my money I had 200 crowns like 20 money. I had 200 crowns, like 20 quid. I lost that and I hope you're sitting down for this one.

Sit down for this one. I lost my laminated leaf. The one that you got in Poland. I bought the leaf in Poland off the guy dressed as a tree. Through caution to the wind and a leaf. Yeah.

To the wind. Gone. So basically I... How do you lick your leaf if you lost it though? I'm just turning over a new leaf. Go to bed

I'm in bed Snitching again Snitching again Lips get chips Wet lips get chips I lost my Leaf I'm going to finish this So I was a bit I was annoyed because I'm going to finish this so I was a bit

I was annoyed because I thought like because that was me that was me that was me lucky 200 crowns I lost the leaf afterwards I lost me lucky

anyway that was a little bit that I thought would work I was annoyed so when we were playing shuffleboard which is this awesome game a little bit like

carpet balls but on a table picture that that's what it is. Picture that. Wrong. But nice try. And I thought, I want my 200 crowns back. So I bet Danny 200 crowns that I beat him.

And I did. So I got my 200 crowns back. And I was like, great, I'm back there. I'm reset. Back to zero. And I was like, well, I'm not back to zero because I still lost my leaf. And I bet Danny a laminated leaf that whoever wins the game on shuffleboard would laminate the other person a leaf at some point.

Nice, so I've got to laminate my leaf. And I beat him. Also, while we're on these objective main things, none of you cunts have made us a Muggle stamp yet. I know one of you has a computer. Make us a Muggle stamp. You don't. We give you this glorious podcast

you can't fucking fuck around on Facebook. An opportunity. You can put it on your CV. Aye. Made the Muggins and cream muggle stamp aye put it on your

logo yeah graphic design job right at the top aye Dean Muggins and Cream

who's your favourite well cream I got told by someone on twitter the other day that I

sound too Scottish on this podcast do you think they thought I was you nah because I was an American

I think it's because I say I all the time yeah aye aye maybe you do I don't know now you're going to

notice it every time you say I now aye I told my dad my dad had this thing where he said sort of like after everything he said

so he'd be talking about sort of like the PlayStation game that he sort of like has been playing on sort of like I tell him about that and then he caught himself doing it a couple of, sort of like I tell him about that.

And then he caught himself doing it a couple of times. Yeah, I went and see him. Yeah, he doesn't do it. Sort of like stopped. Sort of like stopped doing the sort of like thing. Yeah, now that I've pointed out how often I say, it's going to be like a fucking metronome in the back of this podcast. Yeah, now we've pointed out to them as well,

so it's getting right on that tribe. So you've got to laminate on that tribe so you've got to laminate me a leaf I've got to laminate you a leaf where else has happened I feel like where

I mean we could just go into your dad jokes and then just do really long plugs at the end yeah sorry guys this is what happens

it's our favourite game your dad jokes where me and Kai tell each other the cold hard facts about each other's fathers. Ladies first. Your dad...

Self-slap! Like that one. Your dad has molars for front teeth he chews like a cow your dad puts a carrier bag over his hair when he runs to the car while it's raining

your dad buys the pet fish a present on Christmas your dad sleeps with the light on your dad kisses with the light on your dad kisses his toes goodnight

this little piggy tried to get away chasing it round and round all the way up mum

your dad's twitter handle is at red hot ice queen your dad's twitter handle is at red hot ice queen everyone tweet him your dad killed the family dog

by feeding it too much fish food I don't reckon the presents he buys is fish or a present I think it's like presents he buys his fish or a present I think it's like paid off

all the fish food he's been getting offered it's payment right go oh yeah we'll play this your dad puts his purse in his bra this one's a great one

for do say so myself swirling it round the glass Enjoying the flavour Just notice the full body of this joke Your dad doesn't wipe back to front Or front to back He wipes it in and out, side to side and clockwise In and out Wipes it up in and out

in and out clockwise unless he's in Australia you know if you're sarcastic in Australia they'd roll the eyes the other way. Your dad got to the semi-final of a kissing competition. I won. You knocked him out? For kissing it Oh man

Your dad makes shadow puppets With his feet And then wanks to it How many hands has he got? To his feet Oh yeah I panicked You think he's a chimp

your dad's budgies have died which I don't know if you know what that means because it might be a blive saying it may just be me it means your pants

are too short if your pants are short and your socks are shorn your budgies have died don't get it I don't know why it's a thing but it's something

that we say you're wrong it's not our terminology lexicon your budgies have died your dad's budgies have died right but it's something that we say. You're wrong. It's not our terminology. Lexicon. Your budgies have died. Your dad's budgies have died. Right.

Tell him to get some new trousers. Text him. Text your dad and tell him his budgies have died. Your dad is scared of trains so they let him sit up front and meet the driver. Your dad was at his sleepover At his mate's house

His mate's mum Had a ring to get him collected Because he'd wet the bed In the middle of the night And this was last week Your dad eats pistachios whole Your dad licks his lips Before kissing you goodnight

Rub his belly When he's finished Your dad licks his lips before kissing you goodnight. Rubs his belly when he's finished. Nom, nom, nom. I couldn't have another bite. Oh, go on then, one more. One for the road. One on his cheek. And the lips your mum has to

spray your dad with water whenever he tries to suck himself off turn the hose on him your dad dips his snickers in his tea

if you know what I mean your dad sneezes upwards and snickers in his tea. If you know what I mean. Your dad sneezes upwards and catches it in his mouth. What's that say? Oh yeah, your dad takes coke off your uncle's chest. That's the end of your dad jokes.

I've got another one. Oh, fucking sneaky drawers. I just got carried away. Your dad spanks himself when he's on the mechanical bull. Oh, God. We've got ten minutes to fill. Oh, should we do it? Sing.

Sing? Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when your dreams come true? Oh, this is what we could talk about. It's all the words to songs that we've gotten wrong in the past. Because remember, you're... Sing the song with the... My love ain't got no money, he's got his trombolies.

Can I start singing that? Because I genuinely thought the words were... My love ain't got no money, he's got his trombolese. Can I start singing that? Because he genuinely thought the words were... My love ain't got no money, he's got his trombolese. And what is a trombolese, Kyle? Trombolese? I think it's an instrument. What? It's not.

It's like a brass variety. It's not. It's a trombolese. Oh, yeah, this guy's got the saxophone. He's playing the tuba. This guy's on the trombolese. And over here is James on the trombolese. There's no way

Trumbullis is a Trumbullis my love ain't got no man my mum was clowns to the

left of me jokers to the right here I am stuck in this medley do 15 years that's how I

sang it did you really think it was that I or was that just something you said to be kooky no

I'm not fucking feeling for friends. Feels so empty, Trumbullies. Now this looks like a Trumbullies, so everybody, just Trumbullies, because we need a little Trumbullies, because it feels so empty, Trumbullies. That's what I thought it was for ages, but yes, without me. But was your face red? By the way, Trumbullies is true beliefs.

Yeah. He's got his true beliefs. Yeah. Not Trumbullies. Not Trumbullies. I don't think people thought it was Trumbullies is true beliefs. He's got his true beliefs. Not Trumbullies. I don't think people thought it was Trumbullies. The Spiddly-Doo is stuck in the middle with you. Spiddly-Doo. Stuck in the middle with you.

There was one, the Eminem one, which is, if you want, I'll give you a little bit of wee mixed with some hard liquor. Just thought he was painting people's drinks. Mad cunt. Wee and hard liquor. Just fucking he was painting people's drinks. Mad cunt. Wee and hard liquor. Aye.

Just fucking legend. Just mad on the session. Aye, just drinking it. Like, just pissing in a drink. Whiskey on the rocks. On the cocks. And as well, I thought, palms are sweaty,

knees are sweaty, arms are sweaty, there's sweat on his sweater already. His arms are sweaty. He's sweaty, but on the surface he looks hot and sweaty. There's not this big A version of that. That's what I thought it was

I think we've got to stop now I mean there was a classic episode there was a lot of zingers in there

I got the hiccups that's never happened before it's my first time you've got the cherry

if you want to remember the first so we will just plug the tour dates and the reason I'm slowing

down because you haven't got the book in your hand. No, I don't. So we've got two days off. So we're going to be rolling around... Kissing.

Kissing. Just rolling around the floor. Going to be rolling around Amsterdam with the boys. A couple of shandies. Right. So then we, on the 2nd of November, we are in Dusseldorf in Germany. Still plenty of tickets left of that.

So please, you... It worked for Sweden, so I'm telling you now, Germany. Still plenty of tickets left to that. So please, it worked for Sweden, so I'm telling you now, Germany, fucking up your game, cunts. Two days. The 3rd of November, we are in Kluge, Transylvania. On the 4th of November, we are in Bratislava, Slovakia. Oh, we're going to be able to go to Bran Castle. To meet Dracula.

Can we go to the castle, Dad? You didn't finish your last castle? Come on, be good. You should have the castle before you didn't finish your last castle come on be good you should have the castle before we left oh man I left them for my sister 4th November

Bratislava Slovakia 5th November Vienna Austria which I would be very surprised if that does not sell out soon you're always

a stellar audience as are you Prague on the 6th of November and by then we'll have done another fucking podcast we'll give you all the dates alright, wish us luck leave us good reviews

on iTunes on walls just mugging some cream on your local pisser just put my number on some bathroom walls it's 07 86

27 I mean it's not yeah just let's stitch someone up yeah thank you very much to all of our friends which we should do

whoever is the Hollies Jeff will just read out their number on this podcast and then the six people that will listen will phone them

yeah get a text off me ma'am my ma'am doesn't have the internet no alright give us good reviews. Go and do stuff.

Live your life. And we will... However you want to. We will have fucking stories by Thursday. If we spend the next two days getting absolutely fucking mangled in Amsterdam. I've been cream. He's been muggins.

Muggins out. Cream in me. No.