Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Faux Pas

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Those faux pas that creep up on you, tap you on the shoulder and say "remember when you did this" are the order of the day with Muggins and Cream as they drop you this cheeky wee podcast out of the blue. On the podcast we ask you to share yours but forget our own email address, so here it is >> [e-mail] 

Hello, you are listening to the Sloss and Humphreys on the Road podcast featuring me, Daniel Sloss, doing an introduction for the first time in our podcast history for some fucking reason. Apparently it's in an effort to make it seem more professional. Apparently this is what the big dogs do, the heavy hairs, the people we want to be. So in this episode, me and my friend Kai, oh, we talk about things like faux pas and how forgetful I am which was that wasn't scripted but fucking hell that worked out and I think I also slam Adam Rowe a bit and it's just

a great podcast why didn't you listen well you're going to anyway that's why you're listening to the podcast this is futile that's enough I told you

right no just end it that's it Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro.

Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles.

Accidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Welcome to a brand new episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. My name is Kai Sloss. No, it's not.

Oh, man. I was trying to trick you. Well, no matter how many times you try that, whether it's for... I mean, I say whether. I know it's for financial reasons. You keep trying to pull that off. You're so fussed. But I'm sorry. You're so quick off the mark. Anyone else would have fell for that?

Hey, hey. I was already just being like, I'm Daniel Humphreys. There are men out there who would be lucky to be living off of Natalie's salary. So you don't need to upgrade to me just yet, okay? It's not that big of a stretch. And also, I'm not the British.

I wasn't suggesting I was married to you and took your name. I was trying to trick you into saying my name's Daniel Humphries. Oh, I thought you were trying to trick the tax man into thinking that we were together. No, no. Should we do it again? No, no, I kind of enjoyed that. I think that's the first time I've enjoyed

an introduction on this podcast. Because I made you my husband. Accidentally made you my husband. First of all, you just felt really powerful in that. First of all, there's nothing accidentally about it. You said you did it intentionally. You said you did it. No, I was trying to trick you into getting your own name wrong.

I mean, this is just the spin doctor shit coming out afterwards. This is you, after failing to trick me into saying it allegedly I mean this is just the spin doctor shit coming out afterwards this is you after failing to trick me into saying it allegedly and also failing to trick the tax man into thinking we're actually married now you're just throwing Hail Mary's left right and centre You're going to be a spin doctor now? Aye I am yeah

More of a spin mister I haven't really passed my exams A spin apprentice aye aye so anyway

this is this new podcast fresh some fresh butter for them we've been living together

for a bit aye and we haven't done any podcast just because it's really really I've just been

avoiding you mostly like I just hear the stairs and I fucking dart at the door it's just people think it's fucking laziness

but you're like do you know how fucking weird do you have any idea this is why podcasts suck right do you have any idea how fucking weird it is why you live with your mind

but like shall we record one of these conversations like it's there's nothing there's no good way to do it there's no nice way to fucking instigate it

it doesn't feel nice fucking doing it. Like just, like to the rest of the people that I was being like, yeah, by the way, we're just going to go, we're going to have a slightly funnier conversation

in another room without you. Without you and none of your fucking fun. It's just not the done thing. But meanwhile, we've also been sly enough into a room and just haven't burnt out without each other on Twitch. Aye.

But that was, that was that was maybe which is just so refreshing I can be myself you know I can really let myself go grow my wings I feel like you hold

us back some things on the podcast on just what Twitch is you finally free Twitch is basically a controlled nervous breakdown

every time I do one aye is that your approach or is that just your product that's just where I end up going if I'm left with

free reign to talk is that your product I thankfully one thing I've learned from Twitch is that I have ADD so thankfully I don't finish

any of my thoughts so there's just a blue balled audience out there constantly oh they're just getting excited about the topic you're on and you never get back

to it aye so am I the one that bookmarks the things that the tangents will go off on and gets back to that? No, I think we both do it, but I do think I'm...

I'm... I used to think that I thought you were solely responsible for us going off track because I'm like, I know. I'm the gretel

in this Hansel and Gretel. I'm throwing the breadcrumbs behind. I'm the gretel in this Hansling gretel. I'm throwing the breadcrumbs behind. I'm the one that'll find our way home. And then you realise I'm the one working tirelessly finding my way home. No, no, no. I realised, no, no. We're both shite at it.

Oh, I never tire. We're both, both shite at it. So what were we talking about? A bunch of stuff. That was like, that's the point. We are talking? A bunch of stuff. That's the point. We are talking about a bunch of stuff. We'll get back to some of them. We were talking about Twitch specifically there, though.

I tend to find Twitch is more, for me, I don't, if somebody asked me this question on Friday on Twitch, they were like, when's stand-up comedy's back? Are you going to be on Twitch anymore? And I was like, probably not. It's, I enjoy it. It's a fun thing to enjoy it it's a fun thing to do

and it's a good fucking outlet but man there's no when we're on the road again there's no way I could do that

three times it's gonna be kinda impossible because I was looking at my diary you know like how I how I agent

might be optimistic about the autumn next year man I am so optimistic about the autumn like also reliant on the autumn

like we can't go on like this for much year. Like, also reliant on the autumn. Like, we can't go on like this for much longer. I think we've pat ourselves on the back. We've done well for a year. Man, no, no. I'm more optimistic about the fact that...

I feel like you're going to be like, no, no, I've not done well. No, I am. I've been a fucking disaster. We have... Well, that's also true in many senses. No, no, I mean in the sense

that, like, fucking this vaccine, once it gets fucking rolled out, then in the sense that, like, fucking this vaccine, once it gets fucking rolled out, then hopefully the second that's out, then, well, two things are going to happen. One, we're all going to be fine until two. We get to... Here's a shit thing to say. I really hope, I really wish the coronavirus was more deadly

so that the people that are so stupid that they're not going to get the vaccine would just fucking die like i really wish i really wish coronavirus just for this last couple months was really really deadly just so all the people that are like oh oh you fucking sheep going out there taking that vaccine that all those scientists work on i really wish it was more faithful just so all of those people just fucking conk it, right? And we can just have a science-based society

from here on in. Like, this is the cut-off point. This could have been science's time. Maybe that's what they should do. As long as it's been working on the cure, they should have been working on the fucking steroids for it as well. Because that's how you get people

to take the fucking cure. Not only can we cure you of it, we've made it worse. So either get cured or die. Aye, that's how you get people to take the fucking cure. Not only can we cure you of it, we've made it worse. So you get cured or die. Aye, that's it. Otherwise you're just going to pass it on. Where did anti-vaxxers come from? Because I don't remember this when I was getting my BCG at school.

I didn't remember the fucking world being populated by absolute fucking dickheads going, oh, it's going to inject nanomates into you, they're going to track you, there's going to be a jack nanomate in here they're gonna track you there's gonna be a trip and all that you're like no man I just didn't want polio

what are you on about the ones that are gonna wake up sheeple like they're they are the most cheapy people and they're also

the most asleep because they're fucking counting sheep the dumbest cunts and I say this as someone who like I've now got friends

that have gone slightly conspiracy theory with stuff and I do not I'm not going to say their names out loud because I wouldn't but I'm telling you this, it's my dumbest friends had you fucking asked me two years ago

you said in two years there's going to be a fucking global pandemic, which of your five two years, there's going to be a fucking global pandemic. Which of your five friends do you think are going to fucking lose their minds and think it's all a conspiracy? I'm going to be like, all right, who's the five biggest morons? And five for five.

And the only one I would be wrong with would be Elliot. I would have absolutely guessed Elliot Steele. He would have been like all five of my picks. Maybe we are rubbing off on him Elliot's just Elliot was getting close to anti-vax but he was very open to reason

I think he just do what most of us are guilty of he just asked us about it got battered off we were like no it's not why Most of us are guilty. He just asked us about it. Got battered off with it. Aye. Aye. Just sort of came in and we were like, but we're in this vaccine. And we were like,

no, it's not. Why? He was like, no, never mind. Oops. Sorry. No. Fill me up to the fucking eyes

with autism. Couldn't give a shit. Get it fucking in me. And I never, I never thought I'd say this and it's going to be on the phone. I fucking, I really hope I get to go to Adelaide next year.

Is that how bad it's got? That's how bad, no, no, only because Adelaide's like attached to fucking like, only because Adelaide's attached to the rest of Australia. It's a nice way of saying, I can't wait to go back to Australia. Don't get me wrong,

I'd really like to go back to Australia and avoid Adelaide. That's also true. But I'd still, you know, I've not moved on. I still wouldn't go back to Kilmarnock. You'll be happy going to Adelaide now That's also true. But I'd still, you know, I've not moved on. I still wouldn't go back to Kilmarnock. You'll be happy going to Adelaide now

because you had a spell there for about six months where your internet was worse than Australia's. I couldn't go back. I don't know how you got through it. It was really bad. Because I've moved in here and you've had perfect internet the whole time. Like, even when you've been streaming,

I've been streaming, somebody's been watching Netflix downstairs like that's been fine it would be a little bit cabin in the woodsy to be out there because your house is remote man

like you're not close to stuff which is nice because you can walk out into the country I've walked down the river like it's fucking great for getting out

and seeing the outdoors but yeah connectivity I will admit that man it was fucking it was shaming like listening but yeah connectivity I went man it was fucking it was like listening

well fucking just sort of not listening but looking back through the year and just going what was the hardest part of

the year for me when was it my worst and it's genuinely from start fucking locked in

until my internet got fixed because the second it was just easier right like like it was just

you've got the backdrop of perspective so when you've got the internet and everything's flowing you know what you know how much it can suck

without it you don't take it for granted at all I would have having no having a piss poor internet connection is

and this is a first world problem and guess what I live in the first world so I'm going to say it's fucking inhumane and that's what we have to prove to the fucking British government

to be like this internet connection that I have is inhumane and nobody can be expected to live with it so you have to give us this fucking special

the only thing that would have got me through in your shoes there for that few months would have been battering Cullen every day that's why I'm still here and he isn't I just wouldn't have got bored of battering Cullen every day that's why I'm still

hearing he isn't I just wouldn't have got bored of battering Cullen just hearing him scurry through the vents and that it's because he

just respawns every morning like whatever deal he's made with the devil or whatever his sort of species is

it's once you even if you kill the full body and I mean the full body right you can man you can chop it up you can burn if you kill the full body and I mean the full body right you can man you can chop it up

you can burn it you can put it in fucking acid you can throw it at airplanes every morning 9am you throw the bag that covers

there's the cunt it's unbelievable I've never seen anything like it I've worked out what it was actually because I've only been here like what

like four weeks and I've battled them about 700 times right multiple days it's my workout so you know when you shit yourself when you die aye and I've battered him about 700 times. No. Multiple days. It's my workout. So, you know,

when you shit yourself when you die, Aye. he shits an egg of himself. No, I've battered that too. I've scrapped that. It's a Russian doll of an egg. Aye. It's a nightmare living with him.

Aye. And me, you and him travelled up to Inverness aye Inversnicky why are you just calling it Inversnicky erm is that just you

or is that people no I'm pretty sure I'm pretty no Inverness people call it Inversnicky Inversnicky because it doesn't even scan

it doesn't even seem like it comes from anywhere I will I will google it in about 45 seconds to see if it's just you because I've only ever heard you say it no but now that I think about it in about 45 seconds to see if it's just you because I've only ever

heard you speak but now that I think about it is it just my mum that I've heard called out that no because I've heard oh it's my family

because it's all my family I see up there there's a one you know how I think it's like if you've got you know how I think

there's no part of Newcastle called Geordieland but you're all Geordies well you know I'm trying to think of something that like you know how Geordies instead Well you know I'm trying to think of something that like you know how Geordies instead of saying mate as well you say mate as wheel. Right. Mate as wheel. My dad says mate as weasel. Yeah right mate as weasel. It's quite funny right

and I still don't know to this day if that's just something people say or if that's just me dad. I think I need to hear someone else say it and then notice it and go oh right it's not just me pardon well it's probably not just your dad in the sense that there's probably

other people that made the same fucking mental jump that he did when saying it but none of those people I've met I bet there'll be

one fucking point where your dad says mouse weasel in front of somebody else and now the person goes wait that's a thing

everybody's just saying it independently not everyone but I believe 30 to 40% of fucking Jordies

have absolutely arrived at that or maybe even fucking less but I promise you at one point your dad said might as well

he's out loud in the fucking Newcastle town centre and some bird walking by is going I say that that's my phrase

might as well right Invershnecky we're going to find out are you going to look up Invershneck right Invershnecky we're going to find out are you going to look up Invershnecky Invershnecky it's got to be

how would you even spell Invershnecky hey Siri how would you even spell Invershnecky Invershnecky investigate I

shut up shut up shut up Siri there you fucking go on Invershneckie Scots slang to it's

the English translation of Invershneckie is Inverness there you go English translator so that's the Gaelic way of saying it Invershneckie

must be so weird do you speak any yeah there you go so yeah do you speak any Gaelic I don't could you try

off the top of your head I listened to a fucking I listened to a song in Gaelic today did you when I was driving when I was driving to shops

just you know Spotify's got that fucking your weekly discover thing and for you it's probably rap but for me it's just

it's Hamilton it's Hamilton and Tupac it's because it's because me, but for me it's just single-seater. It's Hamilton. It's Hamilton and Tupac. It's because me and Natalie share a Spotify. Oh, God, I'm just angry that Hamilton's in my head again. My top one is Dare You by The XX. Top song. And thank you to everybody who tagged in and been in the top podcast, by the way.

Appreciate that. More of you than I thought. The Discover Weekly came on and it played a band called oh fucking what's it

but it's I just heard the guy's voice and I'm like fucking this cunt's from Scotland like the second like two words had left his mouth and I was like

this is a Scottish band and then he just kept what's it called Tidelines and they're fucking great they're fucking great. They're fucking great. He was talking about very, very Scottish things.

I'm like, fucking, this seems like a good fucking band. I wonder just how Scottish they are. And the next song was just them singing in full Gaelic. Pretty damn Scottish. But it's not like fucking old school. Don't expect, I mean, it's not like they're singing. It's not rock music, but I don't know how to. So they're singing like, I hate to say it, but like TiddlyD music.

Some of it's TiddlyD music, but just in the sense that I enjoy TiddlyD music. But it's not all that. Like if you were to listen to it, it's, no, I mean, I'll let you listen to some of it afterward, but you'd listen to it. Put some on. Well, no, because no, because it would. It doesn't do put some on well no because no it doesn't do it does that on Twitch it doesn't do that on here

no no no but no I just mean in the sense that it'll be one shite content us listening to something when they can all just listen to it separately

and we can listen to it separately they're screaming at the podcast no no they're not they're like ah just play it no it's like boys just shut the fuck up

and play some tunes I've not played an entire album. You're like DJs that just constantly talk and never put any tunes on. Oh, no. No, I think that's radio DJs. Matthew just turned the podcast into radio DJing. You reckon you'd ever do? I used to do that as a kid.

We used to do it on the cassette player at my grandad's. My grandad had these little mics that he would plug into it, and me and me but I would pretend to like introduce the next song I think was like quite the rage at the time for people to do that kids to do that because who you record it the rage was it I yeah you record it right because you've got to tape decks on your hi-fi maybe now the stuff like all the kids yeah you get the air you get the one that's got the the cassettes on

and then the top one was always the vinyl so we'd always put we'd put like something like Thin Lizzy on or something like that and then we'd be like

this is the boys of Backing Town by Thin Lizzy and then it'd be like and then accidentally put Whiskey and the Jar on we're good DJs

would you ever do radio do you reckon that might be on your career path do you know I can follow it to Panto do you know what

I went do you know there's a capital used to be Galaxy there used to be Galaxy capital so Des Clark who does

the Scottish one he recommended us for the Newcastle one one of the morning DJ and I'd only just started stand up at the time like I'd been going

like maybe two two and a half years so I'd just gone pro and I went in a couple of times to go with my co-host and just have like practice runs

where like the co-host had been working there a bit and they'd been like they could introduce the tunes and all that so we're just like we're not broadcasting it we're just practicing right so i was just practicing it and that was every

time it cut they were like censoring us they were like oh you can't say that you can't say this or like fucking like there was one of them where they're just fucking wild ideas and they just went you you mentioned that santa isn't real that's worse than saying cunt like seriously it's worse than saying cunt you'll get way more complaints but saying Santa isn't real on breakfast radio than you would think so every time I found out I was like sanitizing myself more and more in the in the bits and um the the thing that it came to is I didn't I didn't even like pursue it like I I wasn't meeting them halfway on it because I didn't want to discuss money because if the money was good I would have done it aye

right and I really didn't want to be getting up it was like getting up at 4.45 or whatever to get to the station and it would have

absolutely stifled my budding comedy career that had just started so I kind of created a distance between me and the fucking whole interview procedure

just getting away from it getting away from it but I was I was nearly breakfast radio DJ for Capital fucking do it

do it do it Australia towards the end of your retirement because Australian radio is fucking bank it's

bank bank bank bank and it's ticket sales right can you get ticket sales off it is it you can but to at it you can but at what

cost like in the same way that like hey man you can fucking host 4th One a great fucking radio station a really good radio station but I guarantee if you were the host of 4th One you'd sell out a bunch of shows do you want that audience

ooh that's a fucking thing like I saw when Deliso sell out a bunch of shows, do you want that audience? Ooh, that's a fucking thing, like, and I, that's like, like, I saw when Deliso Chaponda done gigs straight after

Britain's Got Talent, and people walked out because he swore. Aye. Not many, because it was like, we punched a crowd, but some people that had come,

aside from Punch Drunk, because they'd seen him on Britain's Got Talent, saw a poster with his face on, and that's the guy off with TV that watched for our kids

and we grind and all that, right? Come to see him, see me oh my god he's swearing and leaves and he's a filthy comedian he does sex jokes like some of the best sex jokes and the routines are like a banging filth you know and then people are coming to see him and whacking out because of that and I'm like oh imagine your whole crowd was that turnover all right I just think that's the gamble with it because obviously if they make you censor yourself that much then it's not

the audience, well it's not always, I mean it is the audience's fault for being offended by that pathetic shite fucking anyway Can you remember when I was on breakfast radio in Ibiza when I was just fucking on the sesh back end of the sesh

we're hanging one on it was about fucking nine o'clock in the morning we're still up he said we're on off on that and then my phone rings

and it's fucking there's Clark who put us on the capital and he just kept us talking for a bit and then he announced that I was on air

and he just had a game of where you had to like spin through your phone stop on somebody and then ring and a game of where you had to like spin through your phone stop on somebody and then ring and just keep them talking fucking I mean I obviously

don't remember this I was on heaps of drugs and they told me he could absolutely keep us talking I was on gear he could not shut us up he had to wind us down

the game was over Kai Kai Kai it's a game no no no let me finish the thing about last night so at one point at one point Barry went down on the beat no Kai honestly we're going to music it's a game no no no let me finish the thing about last night so at one point right at one point

right Barry we're down on the way no Kai honestly we're going to we're going to music break at this point no no no dead up

let me fucking finish on the session of B4 next thing you know getting broadcast out of Scotland what about that people would have

known as well that's one thing I've always fucking I'm fairly amusing about being Scottish I don't know if you've ever noticed it but there's been the occasional time as well that's one thing I've always fucking I'm fairly amusing about being Scottish I don't know if you've ever noticed it

but there's been the occasional time only I'm going to say three incidents genuinely three times over the past fucking however many years

where I've put up an Instagram video or put up a picture or something on fucking Twitter right while I've been on drugs

right not weed I'm always on weed but on harder stuff every time I've been on drugs right not weed I'm always on weed but on harder stuff every time I've done an Instagram a Scottish person's

always been like you're on gear and I'm like how the fuck but it's a Scottish person every time and it's within

30 fucking seconds and I just immediately have to take it down I'm like I'll just plug that thing tomorrow you can just tell

by your face no but I don't think you can because sometimes the videos are up for like 30-40 fucking minutes and I've gone through all the other messages because I'm obviously paranoid that I'll look because I'm watching the back being like I don't I know what it looks like and I'm not posting this at 2

in the morning this is a 9pm thing I definitely wear my drugs on my face like you could you could play You Bet can you remember the game

You Bet with Matthew Kelly no right you could have like pictures of my face along and you could get along and guess what drug I was on

on each face and you would pull off the Velcro thing and it would be like ecstasy cocaine weed life

pot of this heroin so I Cocaine. Weed. Life. Pottiness. Heroin. So I kind of hide it. I didn't even try to hide it, actually, because I didn't want to, like... I think that's where the paranoia comes in when you're on drugs, is when you're, like, trying to disguise it.

But you know how that's also where beta comes from, by not toning it down. That is true. It's like you've got true. You've got to have a little bit of the battle. I remember when I was just smoking a bit of spliff on the balcony when I was in London

with Jamali and Elliot. I'm not a snitch. Jamali and Elliot. Man, that's it. Elliot's white, but Jamali's now going to jail. That's not fair. I haven't even posted the podcast yet

and there's a big knock on the door. Elliot's fine, man. They're not going to arrest us for shit. You can't sell Jamali down the river like that. That's done. So, um, Natalie gets in from work and I'm just chatting away about that, right?

And she's like, telling us about her day and I'm just chatting on and she's totally chuffed because of Elliot and Jamali and she's saying hello to them. And then, um, it was like, maybe it was about 10 day and I'm just chatting on and she's totally chuffed because of Elliot and Jamali and she's saying hello to them and then it was like about 10 minutes in I just go

we've just been smoking a bit of weed all day just chilling out and the lad just went oh thank god they were both trying to style it out as if Natalie was going to give a fuck as if Natalie was going to give a fuck that while I like my parents

had come in I didn't realise the pair of them had been sat there just nervously like trying not to act high nothing makes you look higher

than acting not high there's a great fucking white sketchy nose sketch about that a little bit have I heard of them I don't like I've heard that name

but I don't know who they are if you'd mentioned them I would have just Grape Whistle so they're sketch truth but they were an internet one from years and years ago whitest kids you know they're very good the best ones they've got

is the Grapist the this boardroom sniper the the Grapist the fucking this boardroom sniper the

Call of Duty one's fucking so funny he's ahead of that then we'll let oh wait a minute isn't the one that does the

when you finish a quest on you finish a quest on Warcraft and the fucking character that accompanies you just turns back

into an NCP. No, no. Do you know the one I'm on about with that? I think so, yeah. Where he's in love with the character and then they just start repeating the thing that... I'm butchering it. I'm going to have a hit of this

and we're going to do that rabbit hole. No, let's not. After. Oh, right, yes. No, I'm not going to DJ fucking clips. You fucking just asked me to play music 10 minutes ago, so let's not fucking... I'm not going to ask you to you fucking just asked me to play music 10 minutes ago so let's not fucking then it's a cycle

I'm not going to ask you to play a video on a podcast I'm out and then from a man that insists on explaining every single

fucking intro we have nothing is beyond you're going to bring me to create some deck there absolutely unrelated thing no

it's not explaining the intro unrelated thing because you want to investigate you're arguing like a lass no you bring up stuff from last week unrelated thing no it's not explaining unrelated things because you were about to get you're arguing like a lass

no you bring up stuff from last week what I thought you were about to say which is what I thought about was play the

fucking sketch show me the sketch now right that's what I thought you were going to do which would be within your arsenal aye

no that's true aye aye but no not for the podcast I'd just be like no aye fair enough that's true. Aye. Aye. But no, not for the podcast. I just mean like us. No, aye. Fair enough.

I've got to do a fucking Twitch interview with Stuart Goldsmith, but he's definitely, definitely going to make me tell the story about the time I pissed in his bag. Fuck aye, I've totally forgotten about that. That's amazing. Stuart Goldsmith hasn't. I bet. And you never would.

I'm surprised he's got having you on his podcast on his Twitch stream just pissing his bag that's all that happened he actually fucking I need to get back because I saw

I had a Facebook message I barely ever get into my Facebook messages but I had one of him asking for dirt on you so I'm going to quickly do that after this podcast

oh right okay I mean you said in my message you'd be like he pissed in your bag I definitely will don't ever forget that he pissed on your bag. I definitely will. Don't ever forget that he pissed on your bag. Because you were

at a music festival, right? And we were just sat at this park bench in the middle of the fields and Stu Goldsmith was like, hey,

it's Muggins and Cream from my favourite podcast. Yep, it's a direct quote. And then he sat down opposite her, put his bag under the table, was chatting.

You didn't see him put his bag under the table. Didn't see bag under the table But you did whip out your cock and start pissing All over his bag Which I thought was the floor So your bag now So technically he stole your bag when he walked off and huffed with it Aye So 1-1 That's just one of those stories that's out there.

I'm just, there's no, you know those stories that you have about yourself, I know you definitely know this, but where there's nothing redeemable about you in the story. Where you're just from start to end, and even if you twist it, you're still the bad person. Like when I pretended to find a lump on my ex-girlfriend.

Aye. What a swing and a miss. Oh, how I ever thought that was going to make her laugh. In the throes of passion. Oh, what's that? Is that a lump? Oh, no. Oh, no.

Nature starts crying. I'm like, oh, fuck. I can't even. This isn't. Baby, nothing to do with you not having a sense of humour. You have got a sense of humour. That was a dick move I shouldn't have done it

I'm not even high or drunk or anything this is just me I'm an arsehole I can just use my soul as a punch bag as much as you want because I deserve it

it's one of those stories that exists about yourself that makes you scream out loud in the shower you know those ones where you just whenever it pops into your head you just go

like I forgive myself for stuff immediately now and that you know the stuff that you would normally ruminate on and fucking hate your life for

I should actually retrospectively hate myself there should be loads of self-loathing there should be loads of self-worth but I just can't be arsed with that

so I'm just going to crack on like I'm not a wanker I do think you should have maybe like 10 seconds of self-response I'm not thinking aboutanker. I do think you should have maybe like 10 seconds or so for this question. Oh, no, I think about it. I shrug it off. They'll have to shutter it off. No, but maybe like sit on it for like more than five minutes.

There's one that keeps coming back to this, right? Right. This is one. I've never overthought it. I've never given it much of a spin, but it keeps coming back to this, right? I was at the Birmingham Glee and I was hosting, right? And I went to the back of the room and there was a

comedian there can you remember a comedian called Chris Brooker no right so I remember he used to do a blog

of every single gig that he'd done and I used to fucking read it religiously because it was just like a fucking diary of a comic

right and he was he's getting into this circuit with wrestlers so wrestlers will come over and tell their stories

of like what like just fucking like true Hollywood stories but about wrestling and he'd tour with him like Mick Foley and that and then

he's at the back of the room right and he's just like oh I've just been with such and such this fucking tank of a guy like fucking

ripped to fuck definitely a wrestler right and he's like oh I just brought such and such so there was a great line up I was just going to

show him a bit of the UK comedy scene and all that and I was like oh it's a class night and then there was a great line up I was just going to show him a bit of the UK comedy scene and all that I was like oh it's a class night and then there's just a bit of a lull and I went

he's next door doing your wrestling shit like just the way I said your wrestling shit like

I didn't mean it like that no of course I didn't mean it like that I was being fucking casual like I was just

being casual like he's doing it on Twitch like I wouldn't have wounded by it. But this guy's American, and he, and like, it's a fucking British chat,

and that fucking guy just whacked on us immediately. Aye. It like... Just disappeared. Well, he was there for like a second longer, and now look, he's gone.

I'm like, oh, I think I may... And I may be overthinking this. It might mean no. He might have just popped his head in, had a look, said hello, and then gone back.

But why was he crying but it keeps creeping into my mind that I just fucking dismissed his entire career on a fucking day like that

are you just doing that wrestling I just feel like he heard it like this are you just doing that wrestling bitch next door aye

as if it's not a hugely physically taxing thing that's got a lot of respect for you put your fucking heart and soul and your

life and the sacrifices you've made and everything into that also the drugs what you do to your body like I fucking

I just every now and again that just creeps into my mind my money just mugged off that wrestler I just shake it

off I just fucking I just like it's like I didn't spend too it off I just fucking I just it's like I didn't spend too long on them thoughts man it's unhealthy I think that's the other thing

is I don't sometimes I do spend too long on them but I think yeah you do have to forgiving yourself is what it is it's just going

alright look I made a mistake in the same way that if your friend was to tell you the fucking story be like man that's really embarrassing

and a stupid thing or an ignorant thing you did. But don't beat yourself up over it. It wasn't intentional. Ruminate on it a slight bit. Swirl it around your mouth like a fine wine. And then spit it out like a French prick. That's it.

Swirl it around, spit it out. That was me. I did it. And afterwards, because once you've forgiven yourself, you can have them. But that's how you're able to own things. Because you go, look, I'm not proud of this. But it did happen.

I admit it happens. And I've learned that I'm better. Do you know what I think helps with the stoicism? Is that how we say it? Stoicism. Stoicism. Stoicism. What helps with stoicism?

If you're stoic, you're stoic, but it say stoicism stoicism stoicism what helps if you're stoic you're stoic but it's stoicism the stoicism in them moments is helped by early deaths as a comic right where

I can think of a conversation where I irked the wrestler right that has got nothing on the feeling of remembering bombing at a gig

that just didn't work in my hometown at the Golden Eagle on the estate right but it was set up not to work and the room was just it was like there was a fucking 21st birthday party and i didn't have a mic stand it was a fundraiser right and i tried to tag and a few people were looking at what the fuck's kai doing this is in my hometown on my fucking street two streets away from where i grew up right like there's nothing that can happen

how long had you been going huh how long had you been going weeks it was maybe my eighth gig right just that

where you caught was it was the book did you book and be like I'll smash this just this last one I used to quite fancy

asked as if I date I was like she's kind of hot I'll fucking do that thing for her I might impress her did it not at all

I've never seen her since maybe she's off doing her wrestling shit maybe but I I just fucking embarrassed myself and it was just a tiny mic and it didn't reach the whole of the room

and even if it did even if it was fucking booming and drowning out the room no one was going to stop and listen and it was my mate tinny mic and it didn't reach the whole of the room and even if it did, even if it was fucking booming and drowning out the room, no one was going to stop and listen. And it was me, Craig fucking unplugged it. He just unplugged it

and went, fucking Kai, let's get out of here and we're worked. So when I think back, I've died like that in a number of places. I had,

I can all kind of get through army deaths but there's a million and one that happened like that. That one hurts the most because it was local and I knew the people in the room. But there's been a and one that happened like that. That one hurts the most because it was local and I knew the people in the room.

But there's been a handful at the start because you take any gig, now you can fucking pick your battles. But when I think about stuff like that, that is way worse a lingering feeling than any faux pas. I agree with you. But just because that one's bad,

it doesn't negate the faux pas like even no it just means you give yourself some what's the word for it like mental perspective

no no that's not what I'm looking for like resilience like yeah what does a vaccination do like it gives you it gives you autism it gives you a bit of the thing

and makes you immune from a lot of it autism it gives you autism right good just as long as we're agreed um one of my fucking faux pas of it autism it gives you autism right good just as long as we're agreed um

one of my fucking faux pas that still fucking sits in my head was at the start of this fucking lockdown I've spoken about it on the fucking podcast but I've thought about it

at least once a week since and it was when you phoned up right because obviously we were doing we were recording

from both ends while you were down in London you phoned up and I know it's you so I answer the phone going alright and again I'm not proud of this joke but it was just between me and you

it was you phoning me that's why I made the joke and I answer the phone and I went hiya hooker what was it yeah hooker taxidermy you snuff him we stuff him funny

it's just it's just a stupid thing I'm just I know you're phoning we've just hung up the phone I'm trying to catch you off guard I'm just any reaction

when it was your pimp some fucking guy delivering something but his fucking son was in the car with him so I go out and the guy's like what did you just say

and I was like oh fuck he's like he's 14 I go out and the guy's like what did you just say and I was like oh fuck he's like he's 14 and I was like well fucking that's come back me well because

because he's got a point like it's you know fucking I didn't mean to but I definitely he's absolutely got a fucking point there's no need

which is fucking which is the next driver taking his kid running with him but just because he does doesn't mean this isn't the consequences.

You don't get to be like well that's what you get for taking your kid to work. At least he didn't answer the phone like Santa's not

real because that's the worst. That is the worst. That is the worst. This is good and cathartic and I think good for people to hear

so definitely send us in your fucking eye what is and if you complete we'll read it out and we'll try and make you feel better about it right because i live these things over and over again in my head maybe having us sort of forgiving you for it in the sense that we'll join you in the awkwardness and then forgive you afterwards we'll give you some sort of I don't know Catholic cleansing

some baptism some public baptism just share them moments and make it make it easier for you wouldn't it we'll send them in I don't know how you

Natalie's made Natalie's made hold on let's get to the end of how they send it to people is there a oh yeah we've got we do have an email

address we do have an email address which is fuck what have an email address. Well, I do have an email address. Which is? Fuck! What's my email address again? You said it. I don't know.

I think it's like Muggins and Cream at Gmail. Can you not log into it on your phone? I forgot it existed. Because we did it on the... We had that just after it was the first European tour, right?

Not the first European tour. Shit, I wonder how many emails that's got because people listening back to them will contact with it. Fuck, we set it up before the first one. First of all, let's not we any of this. You. What do you mean? You set up the email address. For us?

Uh-huh, but I've never had any access to it. So it's not my responsibility. I gave you the details. You chose not to any access to it so it's not my responsibility I gave you the I gave you the details you chose not to have access to it no no no in fact I'm probably

going to find it by scrolling back now our fucking conversation on whatsapp well if that's that's true I'll take back

what I said because there are only places I can think to find the email login as we send it to you all right well email that email

no well can you get back I've got teammuggins at gmail.com there that one right so email any of your awkward faux pas that you think about in the shower the ones that when you're about to go to sleep and you're just about to drift off where your brain goes

remember that time that you and you go so yeah teammuggins at gmail.com what should the subject be just so it doesn't get mixed up with all that stuff em faux pas or my cringe

just title it like my cringe story or my faux pas or something like that teammuggins at gmail.com and this is one of the cringe who stole Christmas oh look at me cringe

oh okay yeah Natalie's friend cringe cringe don't worry it's getting more and more cringy

it's true she gets on the train she puts down her wallet her train ticket cringe watching sorry that was the last one she puts her M train she puts down her wallet her train ticket cringe watching sorry

that was the last one she puts her Maltesers down and the woman opposite her wait sorry what's this story a friend Natalie's friend Natalie's friend

got you sorry I missed the start right Uzma gets on the train puts down her train ticket and her Maltesers right and she gets herself

comfortable takes her bag off puts it down right and the woman opposite her opens her Maltesers and starts eating them like takes one

has another and Elizabeth is just like in disbelief at the fucking neck on this woman right she fucking gets the Malteser and just like

eats them as well like I guess we're fucking sharing these then but like silently seizing to like not saying a word back right

and then how quintessentially British ah yes isn't it passive aggressively no no no but to just

just alright not to say excuse me those are mine but to just sit there aye anyways

fucking gets off the train guns into my coat pocket finds a pack of Maltesers that was the woman's Maltesers. Oh no. And she had a high bottle of oil eating Maltesers. That should have just happened.

You'd have to jump in front of the next train. That's a real bad one. It's over. Osmar, we forgive you by the power invested in me by the holy spirit of god um you've gotta go

that's me that's that's holy war that's the that's me baptising cleansing her of her oh god

that's a fucking shite her so I will want them we'll want those the things that you've done the things that you've said and anyone who has the courage to send those in

fucking well done it's not an easy thing to do so and again it will be cringy and you'll fucking potentially hate it but we can promise

we won't ruin you for it because you'll have already you'll have punished yourself enough for it so it's not

our job to do that aye plus like we said you've swilled it around in your mouth long enough consider emailing

us it you've spitting it out aye and then I'm just gonna answer that we've said you've swilled it around in your mouth long enough consider emailing us that you've spitting it out bye and then I'm just going to answer that hello sex work taxidermies

you staff them we staff them oh no wrong way around you're 14 don't say that again I'm so sorry fuck I never learn I never learn

and we're going to we're going to release so this is it this is a brand new podcast um they know that unless you're listening to it anytime in 2021 it's fairly new for 2020 um we're gonna release uh some favorite pod we've asked people on instagram what their favorite podcasts were and we're going to re-release some favourites over the next few days just like get like a kind of top 10 as voted by you

I'll tell you what if you have a favourite email it to us and see if like I can get it on there so we're going to we're going to release

like a handful more we're going to get your YouTube back up and running with this is going to be on your YouTube now so people can find this podcast where they normally get it

Podbean Spotify iTunes and on your YouTube now. So people can find this podcast where they normally get it. Podbean, Spotify, iTunes, and now your YouTube channel. Aye. So that's going to be available. And then? And then. And then? What are you doing in New Year with it? We're going to bring it back regularly.

Aye. Day properly, regularly. We're going to video it too. You've got a studio. Not yet, but we will by then. I'm moving to Glasgow uh you've got a studio not yet but we will by then yeah i'm moving to glasgow and i've got a car so i've got a hoos and a car now and we'll have a scheduled time when i come ron and we do the podcast and it's my job now well we're going to be like this is when we do a podcast and we do it and it's just like one of you one of our things that we do

because that's uh what's tough about is when we haven't got like a strict schedule. So we're always just like, it's always like, should we do a podcast now? And we're going to, we're going to take a run at it and provide you with a podcast. And that was important to some people throughout the first lockdown that were like hanging out with us twice a week or whatever.

And we're going to, we're going to try and pop it back on for four years for all of 2021, because it's going to be worse. Everyone's like oh the light of life at the end

of the tunnel it's going to be a fucking great depression after this there's unemployment government grants

are running we're fucking so we're going to come at you next year and also ask you for

money while you're poor so I will take a pay room just so you know just

we will be we will be fucking blaming you for everything you've got every every three pounds every fucking cent every three pound a month

you have every fucking cent every whatever ever starving African child you're giving money to every month you write them

one last fucking letter see every time I click my fingers you tell them dead it's done dead to be fair probably I shouldn't have said

African there I'm pretty sure there's worse poverty in other places and I'm pretty sure Africa's come on a lot just say blithe alright blithe

right fair point right the three pounds that you give every month to starving children and fucking blithe right

take it out of their mouth take it out of their fucking mouth Marcus Rashford pounds that you give every month to starving children and fucking blind right ah take out their mouth take out their fucking mouth marcus rashford is now actually fundraising for our patreon right now so uh the way the way we'll do it is we'll do uh early release for people that are on the patreon we'll uh so you'll get a few days earlier but we'll also do bonus episodes as well for the patreon but also this is what it does mean is that if you're employing Daniel to do the podcast he will do it aye the problem with getting

Danny to do it is sometimes he says I can't be arsed but if I get Danny it's your job you'll just go ugh and do your podcast

and you know there's nothing better than a Muggins and Cream podcast when Cream doesn't want to do it there's no better than when you've been dragged here you're more venomous

about every opinion you lay down the podcast you want to do you're just nice and high and friendly and bubbly and

everyone's like who's this the ones the ones where I kick your arse to date are the best ones

just the ones where I'm just so angry at the world so he's going to be so obliged to date you for the small price of

three pund aye well I mean aye so wait wait wait so are we saying that the Patreon people get like angrier episodes or happier episodes we've got to find out what they want and then are we forcing your opinions

or do the ones that you want to do like if they're listening to this and they're like we actually prefer high slosh then they only get that in Patreons and then the real ones are the boring fucking sober ones

boring sober and it's just me reading the dictionary and watching paint dry and describing it and then or or vice versa

which is Latin for the other way around what's Gaelic for it? huh? what's Gaelic for it? Huh? What's Gaelic for it? Vashicky padicky. Vashnicky. Vashnicky bendy vachy.

So expect we're pretty regular in your life. Don't. Even if you don't want it, mate. Don't expect. Lower those. No, no, no. I'm telling them next. Heighten their expectations. Until they've taken the fucking money out of the kid's mouth and put it into my fucking pocket.

It's not happening. I'm not promising fucking shit. Next year, next year we go full Adam Rowe. We'll get an Adam. We're going to bankrupt these cunts. We're going to fucking bleed them for every fucking,

I'm talking Ronnie Cheng merch. I'm talking charging for autographs. I'm talking get a fucking seat. Are we in the same seat, hoodies? We're getting fucking ringtones. There's going to be a VR game of shaving

my asshole. But you are the razor. That's the thing. And it's also a live action one. It's just, I've put a webcam on my razor. We're going to sell key rings with a key with a lane on it. Aye. And also a trolley token, obviously.

Aye. Oh, the Morgans and Cream trolley tokens. It's going to be a big fucking seller. We're actually going to start selling more bathwater and that. Aye. Before we've got in it we're not tramps aye also whatever emails you send in

if you want us to read them out make sure that you attach a five pound note to the email so that comes straight to us and then we'll be more likely to

to read it out as well yeah and I've got several charging for photos I've got spunk rags under my mattress and I'm

I'm not selling them. I need them. But I'll just let you know. It's out of there. We will sing happy birthday to you and your mates live on stage. That'll be the whole show. People come along. They came to see Hubris.

Yeah, you can actually buy shares in my set. Aye. So when we've got a set for a small amount, you can have me open and gagging. You can write that and I'll do it and then I'll let you see Cara's tits

aye fucking hell how do I sign up for this period I don't know let us just set up the period so I can sign up

for it and we can stop the press you can have a go Natalie it's going to be great alright I'm going to cancel my period

she's going to listen to that and much like me she's going to listen to that and much like me she's going to be angry because you and Cara flirt regularly eyes keep stopping me he's already jealous

no no green eyes green eyes monster eyes like monsters I've got I've got blue eyes what colour is Cara's eyes

fucking fuck you fuck you don't be that hard no I've got blue eyes what colour is Kara's eyes fuck it fuck you fuck you why would I know that I've got no idea of course not he's a brown she's brown

everything about her is brown it's dead easy for you fucking dead I've got a fucking ginger through there they're magical creatures. It could be fucking it. It could change on a day-to-day basis. She's a fictitious creature. Dirty feet.

My favourite bit of historian prejudice from a Harry saying that all ginger women have dirty feet. From running through the woods. From running through the woods. And he just acted like we were stupid for never hearing of this like what you don't know ginger

people have dirty feet from running through the woods you're like what are you talking about blue blue by the way we paused the podcast there

no we didn't no we changed we paused the podcast you ran out the room fuck god I'm going to see if I've got any photos of her this is going to be

the first podcast we'll edit no get the unedited version from a Patreon oh yeah nailed it blue

haha didn't know haha love my girlfriend haha haha you thought I didn't know

she's still going to be fucking great she knows man I forget she had that all the time because like we've been together for almost like we've been fucking shagging yeah you're forgetting that and she's still going to be fucking great she knows man I forget shit about Cara Alder because like we've been together

for almost like we've been fucking shagging yeah you're forgetting that you're telling us a story about how much you're forgetting we've been together

for however knows how long fucking three years whatever who gives a shit the amount of times I've forgotten how many tattoos she's got

where her tattoos and what they are the amount of times in the first two years of our relationship I was like did you just get your belly button pier tattoos she's got where her tattoos and what they are in the first two years of our relationship I was like did you just get your belly button pierced she's like our entire relationship

it's been pierced I forget that she's got asthma I forget that she's got a fucking mouth brace at night the amount of times she puts it in her mouth and I'm like did your dentist

just tell you to get you that and she's like every night I just forget these simple things just because I'm mostly high and I'm thinking about the sluts.

And you just don't care. Yeah, it's just I'm not interested. You know, she's said her hundred words for the day. You know, I can only listen to so much. No, I'm just a forgetful fucking idiot. She knows that. She does.

I forget things all the time. Where is she? Natalie's getting into this habit of telling she doesn't want stuff for occasions and I did it on her birthday she was like honestly we're moving house didn't get us anything for my birthday it's just going to be another thing to pack

I ended up making her a nice meal and getting steaks from the butchers and making a fuss of her all day but I hadn't gotten that out and she started doing it for this Christmas as well she was like don't get us anything for Christmas. It doesn't matter.

We've got everything we need. Get stuff for the house later on and that. And I'm like, oh, no, because I like getting that stuff. I cannot fall into that. And I'm not just not

trying to trick us. And I'm not, it's not a trap, but you cannot fall into being that complacent as a fella where anniversaries can come and go

and you've just slipped into the habit of not getting them out that's rude well I mean it's I mean I take it but I don't

would it become a habit it's only become a habit the next time you've fucking forgot because I already feel fucking bad because last

because Cara's Christmas presents last year were fucking I bought like a five star hotel for us when we were going to be

on our holidays like it was all we were going to be on our holidays like it was all holiday stuff and then all of our holidays were cancelled this year so I didn't get kind of anything for Christmas

oh nice good work aye and you get away with it completely that's what I do what a belter aye holidays

start a pandemic get your cell phone oh no no no the first the first reported case of coronavirus was on like the fucking 12th of December and I the fucking 12th of December

and I fucking knew I knew because I've got a fucking mate who works for the CIA who was telling me that he knew a guy Borges and Andrex Zoom and Andrex had also been approached by the people of

where did the fucking virus start again Wuhu Wutang Wuhan of where did the fucking virus start again what's it wahoo what no uh wu-tang ah yeah that's what i said no wu-tang wuhan

do you say wu-tang yeah yeah wu-tang where was it the wu-tang clan right right

you heard this yeah first from this i mean we're a year too late but we think the wu-tang clan started

i don't think no this was the first report it was coming from the wu-tang clan um the coronavirus. I don't think, no, this was the first report. It was coming from the Wu-Tang Clan. They had fucked a bat, or the Batman. Right, Wu-Tang Clan fucked Batman. This just sounds like a real, real fucking southern shitty rap at this point.

The Wu-Tang Clan fucked Batman. Do you know my sister had to have the sex talk with her 11-year-old son because of South Park? Did I talk about this on the podcast? My sister had to have the sex talk with her son just because of how fucking sexy he is. They just, he's going to find out sooner or later. Got to understand why women are throwing themselves at him.

So, yeah, there was a scene in South Park where the Mickey Mouse was fucking the bat on a trip to Wuhan you know in the COVID special

she thought she'd let her son watch South Park you know let him grow up watching this shit he'll have a better understanding of the world

and she was like what was Mickey Mouse doing to the bat and she had to like pause it and go alright news of the time then

here's the thing I disagree with that right she had to explain the joke no she didn't that's a Humphreys trait

she didn't have to explain the joke at all she could have just said she was she could have just said

he was hugging the bat played the rest of the fucking episode and then two days later going hey by the way

now's the time she's had to explain the joke then and there so that's his first context for shagging hugging the bat he's not going to fart for that is he

I know he's why is ma'am why is he hugging it like this next time she's hugging her so then he fucking starts dry humping her

I thought this is how you hug a corn to the corn alright not hugging them but something else she didn't have to go mid joke alright

where a mum loves her dad very much or sometimes just wants to get back at somebody else or

when South Park wants to make a joke about China being in bed with Disney they come up with a clever episode. I ran out of steam.

Did you run out of steam there? Confidence or energy? No, steam. Confidence in the bit or just say, I can't be arsed anymore? Both. It was a lovely, they coalesced and they paired out at the exact same time.

It was like, you know how sometimes there's, you know, there's a really, there's a moment of the, the, what's the word? When you and your partner

come at the same time. The synchronicity. Yeah, the synchronised orgasm. People talk about how great the synchronised orgasm is and obviously how close that makes you as a couple.

I agree. But on the other side, I also agree. Is there anything more powerful than the times you have sex and both of you just give up because you can't be honest

anymore that's also the sign of a healthy relationship to be you've had those moments it's fucking five in the morning you've had too many

fucking drinks there's just no way you're going to get and you just go I can't it's over even and you both

you both disagree you shake hands good match one on call it a draw nil nil should we go to penalties fuck it

nah it's done I struggled to finish not just at the same time but in the same coordinates so but in the same coordinates aye so erm this party is McDonald's

fucking I hate you I'm loving it we're gonna do dad jokes aye oh ho ho oh it's like the olden days

old muggins and creams just jocking on each other's dads don't fucking ah just trip down memory lane no it's life dying Daniel kicking up dust Olden days. Old muggins and creams just chucking on each other. That's dads. Don't fucking. Ah, just trip down memory lane. No, it's life. Kai and Daniel kicking up dust. Your dad picks his nose with a knife and fork.

Your dad has 18 gears on his car. Your dad's ass is grass and I'm going to smoke it, get addicted to it, deny that I'm addicted to it, overdo it during lockdown and burn cut, ultimately depending on it by New Year. Your dad uses a scalpel to get his advent calendars chocolates out the back so that it can look nonchalant opening the doors a few days late. Wait, but surely then he's disappointed

that there's no chocolate in there. No, he just pretends that. I don't know. Surely people would see. I don't know. Your dad's just got some weird, over-thinking, crazy processes going on in his brain. He texts you to the back. He peels it.

He eats it on the sly. Right. And then three days later, you'll see in front of you and the kids and your mum. You'll say, oh, I've got three days of doors to open and then you're up with them pretending he's acting nonchalant

but why would he be showing off if he doesn't have the because surely he's covering up for something he got the instant gratification

but how are we not going to check it I just don't think he's thought it through if he's sitting there bragging me like I've got three days worth of chocolate

obviously we're all going over and being like alright let's see you think he's playing it cool when he looks and the door's already shutgging me like I've got three days worth of chocolate obviously we're all going over and being like alright let's see you think he's playing it cool when he looks and his door's already shut he's already had the chocolate he hasn't missed a single day

right but he just comes in and opens them in front of you you and the kids oh right okay so you all scan oh dad is cool doesn't even like I'm fist fingering

in the morning I'm up getting me chocolate not dad he's like three days late or whatever well he's made he's like three days later, whatever. He's made a wild assumption about me dead there. Your dad's lips turn black when he's horny.

And you don't have the lips on his face. Your dad drinks out the hot water bottle. All right, that's why he puts a teabag in there first. Your dad has the word fragile in cursive tattooed on his lower back. No, no, visualise that. I can't, that's what's wonderful about my superpower. Your dad pours tea on his biscuit instead of dipping it. Oh, I can't know the middle of it.

So you agree that's a good thing to do? Yeah. I'm going to do it next day. We've got pizza and garlic. No. I stood. Your dad's last meal would be a bowl of gravy as a soup, a bag of ready salted crisps and a bounty

with all the chocolate licked off your dad's teeth chatter when he's hot it's because he's scared the sun's getting closer he's like global warming

Scooby Doo scared here here's a question that I'm going to say that'll annoy my dad He's like Global warming Scooby Doo scared Here Here's a question That I'm going to say That'll annoy my dad Right You know You know how we're

Spinning around the sun And whatnot Because of its gravity Well fucking what Yes How come we're just not Getting any closer though We're spouting away

For it if anything We're not No we're not No getting any closer though? We're spiralling away for it, if anything. We're not. No, we're not? No. We'd be fucking freezing, idiot. I would put it like dead slow. But no, we're going in an ellipsis, right? Is it just a straight up circle?

There's all kinds of stuff going on, right? Like, look, I don't mean to lay it down in such scientific terms, but the Earth's spinning. Right, aye. The Moon's spinning around that. Aye. And them, multiple spins going on's spinning right the moon's spinning around that and then multiple spins going on are spinning around the sun all right but what i'm what i'm saying to you when the earth is spinning around the sun how is it like is it is it just a circle or is it like an ellipses that we're going around the sun oh it's hard to say this i don't know i don't think i

think it's just because it's just a circle. Because if it's just a circle, how are we not getting closer? How come the sun's gravity is not pulling us any closer? How come we're never going down into the sun then? I know there's reasons for this.

I know this isn't groundbreaking stuff. I know anyone with like a third year level understanding of life. I wish Elliot was here just to make us look less stupid. Oh, God.

Because I had this thing like if they're spinning round right? How does it not act as a century centrifuge and fling off in there? Yeah, I think was your dad I tell there's that gravity is what makes the earth spin So it's actually the pressure the pressure towards the earth from gravity that's making its spin in the first place So it's not like the spin isn't releasing the gravity spin in the first place so it's not like the spin isn't releasing the gravity

ah oh ok that makes sense my dad's very good at explaining things aye but to us aye like you could get away with murder

you know that aye you could just we would take his word on it about anything aye like if you just

start explaining something it would just be so just going well sure he knows aye yeah yeah yeah but my dad could say really really

so how many things do you think he's just winged it with not no do you think he has at all do you think he has just went

I could say anything to these two fuckers I mean now he has now that he's listened to this and you put it in his fucking head yes

but outside of this no because now he's going to beat us at the game of you know the fucking say something so stupid but the other person believes it

yes like when I told you that Las Vegas was a man-made city was the first man-made city the only man-made city it is a man-made city yes alright

I just got myself oh you did eh right anyway fuck them that's the podcast they've not paid for more than an hour, Kai.

Why are they getting an extra minute? This should be on the Patreon. I know it's going to be like a minute and a bit once I've put the intro on. Well, this is extra content. We need to be fucking gouging the eyes out of these cunts. I want them bankrupt. I'm going full Scrooge McDuck.

Scrooge McDuck would have absolutely just starfished onto them coins, when he jumped onto them coins, there's no way he would have this is classic Muggins and Cream banter and it's not free, save it save it for the Patreon that we've not set up yet

I refuse to have extra banter, not for money, it's been a difficult year you know what we should do as well Extra banter. Not for money. It's been a difficult year. You know what we should do as well? We should do, at the beginning, before the intro, like a little intro to the podcast. Because that's what people do.

What? The pros on that. The pro podcast people. Let's take turns doing it. No, I'll do the video editing stuff. And you do everything else. You do the video editing stuff and you do everything else you do the video editing and you do everything else I'll subtitle the videos

that's its own fuck off that's its own trade deal nah that's its own alright I'll do the video editing you subtitle the videos no I'll do both

and then you do the rest what's the rest all of it every other bit of the podcast right well take turns at the intro, though. Because I feel like... Fine. Some people, not many.

Some people are team cream. Right. And also, it's going to go out on your YouTube. This first one, you should do the intro, because it's going to go out on your YouTube. Right. And we're doing that now. Why is this free content?

Why is this free content? I mean, they don't even want this. They'd pay it with not to do this bit. No, people love behind the carton shit. They'd be like, people love behind the carton shit. If we give you a couple of quid, could you just not do that?

In the end, the Alia Life admin. Do you want them to sit here and listen to our tax returns as well? Right. So are you going to do the intro? Uh-huh. Right.

Right. Rewind to the beginning if you want to hear the intro uh huh right wait we're waiting for the beginning if you want to hear the intro that we're talking about you've already heard it oh right I mean this is meta now alright

bye