Sloss and Humphries On The Road - F***in' 'Mon Then! (Ft. Connor Burns)

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

Daniel is joined by podcast regular Connor Burns to discuss how sports historically bend the rules the rules to give the white competitor half a chance, the beauty of spaffing your lottery winnings and infamous Scottish anti-terrorists.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be dubbed!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or Magical Beat Cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglipedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Always like people have paid for seminars. Yeah. And he just stands there and he's like, um, he's like, if you, if you make less than a hundred K a month, a hundred K a month, you've got to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, why am I failing as a man? And he's there just like tiny like ab t-shirt. Andrew Tay's got such a small dick as well. Like every time he said fucking,

his little skimpy jorts, that's why you're angry. Yeah. That's why you hate women. That's what it all comes down to man. Have you seen that South Park episode about like, that's like the thing that they find out that all of the like male violent acts and stuff start going up

in South Park and they find that it's because they've adjusted the national average of the penis up. So like more guys are under average than were before they're angry. It's like, okay. I think that's why races are racist. They're like, get the black people out of our country. Why is it?

Because you think they're lazy? Sure. Yeah They're so fast and they have such big Fast a be if they had little Is that the star of the podcast maybe his own Oh, no, that's fine Is that the start of the podcast? Maybe his own? It wasn't on for the full start. Oh no. That's fine. The lack of context I think would make that funnier. If we didn't mention who we were talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no guesswork. Also it's like that thing, I can't remember, there's a time for it, but it's like in sitcoms when this scene opens up with somebody saying something that's the end of the conversation that's very funny. Yeah. It could be like one of those. Yeah. If a bit on the podcast doesn't go anywhere later, we'll just put on that ending. Yeah. By the way, that is also definitely, I talk about like new hack and all the like new hack bits.

It's not even new. I'd say this type of hack is 15 years old. I think I also probably did it at one point 15 years ago. But any comedian, the joke is, so I was walking through the train station the other day and two people just walked past me and one of them said, and then something completely random. And then they just extrapolate from there.

Because exaggerating and making shit up is the cornerstone of comedy. But there's something so shit about when your initial reaction to a bit is, yeah, that didn't happen though. Yeah, yeah. Like you can sit there and happily know, I know that this story's embellished,

but I know there's a kernel of truth in it. It's funny, they're telling it well. I don't care. But the second you get that feeling with someone, no one came up and said that to you. It's the same with fucking Facebook moms. Yes. My two year old came up to me today and they were said, why is there so much anger in the world? Mommy fucking everyone's got a fucking two year old. What's racism? how difficult it was to explain that? You're Mexican, you're going to play now, honey. You are. It's Angelina Jolie.

What's racism? Baby, baby, you've heard plenty of it. You just don't know what's been going on. We had a, not a scary moment, but like a fucking, like almost, didn't know where, we had the parent moment today. We took our son to swim lessons with all of his mates at like a hotel pool. And like- That's a real rich guy move, to have a pool. And to take your son to a different pool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, see, it's normal, son. Yeah, sure, it's a hotel, and they sleep in the house of people, but whatever. We've been going to this swimming class since he was like six months old. We know all the mums and the kids there, it's great. So they're all learning, they're all right.

None of them can fucking swim, but they're getting there. And this black couple came in, and clearly the woman had never swam before, not saying anything, not saying anything. And her partner was very gently, really beautifully getting her to hold her up, helping her, which I felt so bad for her because I wonder if that was embarrassing, like there's kids doing the same thing, but she fucking plowed on and went through it. But when two black people walked out in the room in the middle of school

and all five kids went, we were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that his daughter, my god daughter, was racist

for like a year because she was really smiley with everyone. And then whenever Jamali Maddix came out she'd be like, he's not racism, Jamali's like, she's got big fucking beards. He's a big guy, yeah. He's a big guy. Let's go with that. I think it's funny. You could always tell what sports were invented by white people because we had to make it more complicated to complete, to compete with black people. Like golf, golf, and then fucking sure enough comes along the best guy ever. But we knew his only weakness, Tiger Woods, which was white women. black but we knew his only weakness Tiger Woods which was white women. As soon as he won like his 14th master we were like send in the Sandras let's fucking let's fix this but now like the because you can tell like that has to get more complicated for white people to

be able to compete in it so like I like triathlon I don't I've never even looked this up I know that that's a white thing yeah because it's just sprinting with more what if the end of this Jamal we swam and then you have to find a bike yeah if black guys really started doing triathlons they would be so dominant they wouldn't even need the gear could you a black guy could win the tour de france on a boris bike i'm sure of it like just like he found it yeah oh and he'd also be tested for drugs well before anyone else. He could be the fucking cleanest one. They were like, we test every week, uh, every week now. You're not testing the other place. We test them every month. Did you do it for Lance Armstrong? Of course we did. Yeah. He says with his Livestrong band on. I know.

Yeah. He says with his Livestrong band on. I know. I do love those big falls from grace. Like, and I fully accept that. Like if I ever have one of my career people are allowed to laugh. The Tiger Woods one, I didn't find it as enjoyable. I find it enjoyable at the time because I was a kid, but I watched the doc his documentary recently and like his dad was off fucking base man. Right, well like it seems like that's what it takes. Of course it does. It does seem like that's what it takes. If you want your kit to become the best at something, you have to unload on it.

Yeah, I mean when I came in here you were so nice to your son and I was like, hmm mediocrity. I know it's a few of those basketballs and the little thing hadn't gone in. I get angry, I honestly get angry sometimes because my dad was so nice to me growing up where I'm like, come on man, more drinking, raise a hand to mum every now and then. Give me a fucking story to tell up here.

Yeah, yeah. My parents tried their best, like they killed my sister and I was so in trauma. I was good. I was good. And then I got a show out of that. And I'm like, come on guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Annoyingly all of my siblings are alive. Yeah. Fuck it. Fucking no one wants to hear. No one wants to hear.

That's why I drive the same car as your cleaner. That was an ego check. I feel that actually thought, oh, Slausie's keeping it surprisingly real. Anyway, that's my cleaner's car. Oh fuck, I think it might even be a newer Ridge. I don't even have Slausie's cleaner money. You can choose whether you'd want to let people know you have a cleaner or not. I would-

Oh no, we've spoken about it on the podcast. I hate when people are like, oh, we don't want people to know. Absolutely. Why? What's the point in having money if you're not going to have the fucking perks of it? Like people that win the lottery and go, I'd still go to work on Monday. Well then you're a fucking asshole. Yeah, yeah. Give the money to someone who will enjoy it. Like that Ned, remember that Ned? The Glaswegian guy maybe 20 years ago that won like 13 million

and he lost all of it. He just bought jewellery and built a dirt bike track at the back of his council house. That's what I want from a fucking lottery winner. Four years later back on the stall. Yeah, for what I laugh? Like you have fucked up your life, you should see the photos. Yeah. I can't be able to reminisce for the rest of my life.

I used to work with a guy in a guitar shop who was in a 90s Brit pop band that kind of almost made it. He's got a, they were the musical guest on like Jonathan Ross and that, they were close. But just for the way it is for so many bands, it just never, they never got picked. And I often said to him, I was like,

do you regret any of the moves that you made that led to you breaking up and it not happening? Do you know what he meant? Nah, he was like, I was, I had a blast. He went, I was this close, this close to shagging, Pat C. Kansas. It's like, well, you didn't even check it. It's just like, I was close and that's all I need. I'm happy. Like I can live the rest of the life. She was, she was up there. I missed the taxi, sent her to the wrong hotel. Yeah, that was it. Sometimes that's what you need.

Whatever happened to, just to speak of that, like Scottish legend, the Lord, who went out, whatever happened to Smeet-O? I vaguely remember that maybe he ended up having a fall from grace, because it came out that his version of events wasn't really what happened. He maybe wasn't the first guy to get there on the scene.

Yeah. So for those who don't know who Johnny Swain is, when there was the Glasgow terrorist attack in which nobody died, not even the terrorists. Yeah. Attempted suicide bombing. Yeah, tried to drive a car filled with explosives into a Glasgow airport. The car caught fire, but didn't explode. And the story goes, the guy got out of the car to like, I don't know, stop, drop and roll.

And he just chinned up that which was such, we had such Scottish pride for that. I'm pretty sure there were bars in Dundee that like had shots called the Flaming Terrorist and the whole thing was it was like doubting a flaming terrorist. You go in there, you do the fucking smear. It's what a class way to deal with terrorists. It's just like, you're getting your cunt. No fucking overseas wars. We're not gonna bomb the schools of the area where you're getting fucking bled. Not to, like, cause people go, Billy Connolly, cause Billy Connolly spoke about it in one of his shows,

but like there is a bit, he talks about the interview and it, but it is, if you haven't seen it in years, stick the, right after, as soon as it was safe for cameras to be on the scene, they interview him and it's honestly sensational. Because he makes no effort to unskottish his replies and the woman's like, so you know, take us through the course of events. And he's like, I just, a guy go to the car and I just fucking say it right about him. The Wikipedia article says it was reported that Smeaton shouted fucking mon then and

then kicked Kefil Ahmed in the groin and then suffered burns over 90% of his body and died later in hospital. He did die. He did die. He did die because his balls were burning. That's so funny. Imagine having burns on 90% of your body and the last 10% gets bootied up into the fire. I know they say like burning alive is one of the worst pains in the world, but I imagine

when he was fully on fire, he did just go, Oh, no, that sucks. That does fucking enjoy 72 versions without you. Fucking hell. Fucking moan then. What about, okay. Stick on the interview, Matthew. you can superimpose it. John Smeaton, I know you were taking a break from work. You were very close by, what, just a few metres? Oh, about 20 yards at the most, 20 yards away from her.

I seen a jeep come round the corner, heard a commotion, come round the corner, seen a jeep crashed into the front of the terminal building, it was on flames. Seen a man get out the passenger side of the vehicle. You've tried so hard, I see a slur there. That's a police woman coming to a ship, that's all I ask. Man? The kind of man that you'd maybe buy your fags off of eh?

You know, the type that works in a corner shop. I ran in and attacked a policeman. I thought that's not right. I ran over. He attacked a policeman, that's not right. As if this cunt has never tried to batter a policeman. That's not right. Fighting for his life through the sentences by the way. Putting on his BBC V. He was head to toe covered in flames got up and he also tried to attack the police. So, quite an unbelievable thing to actually see happening. What was going through your mind at the time?

My mind was going to go and help the policeman. What was going through your mind? Fucking finally. That's the excuse. I thought I was going have to wait till 1 a.m. on Saturday morning to get to do this. Fucking hell. Because there was like a huge fucking Sun campaign to like make sure that he never paid for a drink ever again. It was like buy a pint for Smeal. It's crazy.

Yeah, because I remember they had the tea and Smeaton was the tenants tea in the It's crazy. Yeah, cause I remember they had the, the tea and Smeetan was the tenants tea in the newspaper and stuff. Yeah, I remember that. But, See what we like though. That's a great, Scotland's not been attacked since. That'd be a phenomenal script.

Like a diehard type thing where he's stuck in the airport, but it's just a wee guy for Glasgow. Just got like a, all he's got is like a Stanley knife. I'm actually surprised considering like BBC Scotland will not make anything unless you put in 17 Buckfast references. Mate, we need, this is it.

We need to make the John Smeetons story. Smeeto. Smeeto, played by Gredo. Yes, aye, aye. What's, is it James Cosmo can be his dad or something? He's the Scottish dad and everything, or Gregor Fisher. And we'll get, who's the, we'll get Sanjeev Kohli. Don't even say what party he's going play. Little Influencer. Thanks. Leave it there, he could work in the airport canteen. He could.

Yeah. Karen Gillan could be Mary. Yeah. Yeah, Mary. Female, nah, let's be honest. Female security is not gonna be a Karen Gillan. No. Maybe a Susan Kalman.

Aye, aye. Oh, no, I'll tell you fucking who. Susie McCabe. That's the cast. BBC Scotland, if you're listening, which I doubt you are, cause you've got a thumb in your mouth and a thumb up your arse. We would love to write the six part series,

The Legend of Smeet-O. Yeah. It's a drama, kind of. Hi. Oh, if we sex it up a bit, get Martin Compton to play him. Oh, that would be good casting. He'd be good. And cause you could do his origin story,

like proper like DC, like maybe, Adam maybe lost his dad, in a car accident, which caught fire. Yeah. Like give fire yeah like give him some give him like an edge he's getting like a PTSD flashbacks to when he was a kid yeah to hold the kid down to remember trying to pull his dad from the burning car but he couldn't do it he decides he's never gonna let that

happen again wait you're a bad man yeah Oh. And also he's blind. Yeah. Cause I'll tell you this, on United 93, right, those brave people that got up to storm that cockpit, right, to crash that plane, to stop any further acts of terrorists, none of them planned to punt that guy in the boss. No. Yeah.

They were all going in with choke holds. Yeah. That's the problem is, like, I think the 9ven problem was that it was americans on the plane and like everyone do as he says this guy's serious He just needed a scottish guy to go. It's just for real I'm about to know on my way to holiday hijack it on the way home Listen fair play to you, Ahmed, but I'm bursting on a shite here. So either you put us into the twin towers

or I'm getting up right now. Ha ha ha. Aye, feels like if there was a bunch of English people, right, they'd see the terrorist storm this cockpit, go in, take it over, and they'd be like, let's do it, let's go fucking storm. And all the terrorists would have to do is turn on the fasten seat belts out.

Yeah. And all the English would go, ah, fucker. Yeah. All right, oh. Just because he's standing up doesn't mean we should join in. All right, two wrongs don't make a right. Oh, man. That's the six part BBC Scotland drama, Smito. Smito.

Unbelievable. BBC Scotland drama, Smeetle. Smeetle. Unbelievable. Um, or we could go to like get, do a Disney remake and do all black cast, all black female cast Smeetle. White Terrorist. Drives perfectly. White non-denominational terrorist. Just jumps out of the car on fire and says, I don't think there's anything after this. What year did it happen in, Matthew? I think it was like 2007. No, I feel like it was 2004.

2007, Glasgow airport attack. Oh, cause I wasn't... It was when the iPhone came out Yeah, that's what if I just waited another few months, we would have had footage of that. Yeah seen the whole thing Cuz I obviously I wasn't doing the fringe that year 2007 or if I was it would know wasn't it'll just start comedy I can guarantee That there was smmeal the musical somewhere at the front.

Oh yeah, Cunt and the Gang probably did it. Oh yeah, there was some fucking shitty improv trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that he took all this thing out. Not that all improv trips are shitty. Oh, a lot of them are. Right, most of them are. A lot of them are. It's like, improv for me is,

like I enjoy it as much as I enjoy like musical theatre. Where I'm like the best shit is great but there's a lot of shit. Yeah, Improv is jazz. Please, yeah please. It's jazz, it's just people being like there's some stuff we know, and we're gonna cobble it to, and I fucking, I hate jazz. Like I fucking. Yeah, I've tried so hard with jazz.

Yeah, what am I, I left a date with a girl, cause it was like our second or third date, and she was like, things seem to be going well, I want to take you somewhere so you can see something that's like really fucking important to me, and she took me to the jazz bar. And I had to make the work to the jazz bar. Even with free drinks, I cannot fucking sit through this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just people just making shit. Just making it up, like don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't require talent because to be able to improv with musical instruments is an inherent fucking talent. But why the fuck would you do that with your talent? Well, it's that thing of like, people get so good at something that they have to try

and alienate as many people with it as possible. It's like the best guitarists in the world have no fans, or they end up joining the band of Robbie Williams. You know what I mean? Because you get so good at something that all you wanna do is wank on it as much as possible. And it alienates everybody that just wants to go, yeah, it's not let me entertain you though, is it?

That's not. Do you reckon this fucking monkey movie will make Robbie finally big in America? Cause that's why they did it. They made him a monkey because nobody knows who he is. Even though Robbie Williams has been in LA for 10 years, just being like aliens are real by the way. And I'm spending all of my money on that. And I actually like Robbie Williams. Like I never hated him, right?

I think he is quite tongue in cheek about his own career. Oh, there was an interview I saw him do recently where he was just like, I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't write songs and I'm famous. So anyone at home being like, I can't do anything, get out there and give it a go. And I was like, fair fucks to you, man. That's a good answer to have. He's some showman though.

What are you talking about? He's just like, yes. It bombed in America. Huh? It bombed. Yeah, it really bombed in America. Huh? It bombed. Yeah, it really bombed in America. It did like a million dollars and cents. You know what's funny though,

is America is very different. I mean, that's one of the big differences between the American psyche and the one in the UK, is TikTok is like, Americans are like angry as if we're like forcing Robbie Williams on them. Like who the fuck is this guy? He's not, I'm like, yeah, he's famous in a lot of other places, but that's fine.

Like just chill out. Like American is the country of like a country full of people. And this is the one I get it. Sometimes in Scotland and England, I fucking hate it. Someone will come up to me and go, apparently you're famous. That doesn't matter. I've never heard of you.

Okay. Yeah. Neither is 99.9% of the world, bud. Yeah. Like, yeah. That thing of like, and people think that's a very Scottish thing to be like famous, you know. No, but Americans are like that.

And also, it's like, are you trying to explain? You go, yeah, but like, even a guy over there, like John Mayer, like not that many people know who John Mayer is in the UK. Like not, but they're like, no way. No way. And you're like, yeah, people can be famous in different places. We didn't invent Robbie Williams to fuck with you. And also we think the monkey hangs fucking weird as well. We're not sure why he's done the monkey film either. Apparently it's class.

Hi. It's really, really good. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. That's great. I mean, I'm going to watch it because I do. I don't mind the biopic movies.

Music wise, Robbie Williams, how do you feel about them? I've got the worst taste in music. Cause that's why I was, I wanted to bring it up because like your taste in music is startlingly bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, the last time I listened to music out of choice, like just, just like decided myself, I'm going to listen to some music

six months ago, maybe. What was it? Can't remember. You remind me, I've got my mate Ross and he's very similar and it's just like, he listens to the stuff where you go, who's listening to this? And it's you and Ross. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like one of his favorite bands to this day are the, is the Frey. Oh the Frey of Glass. It's how I save a life. No one's favorite band is the Frey. The Lumineers Mumford and Sons. They're all the same people. Ex Ambassadors. Give a sad white man with a ukulele talking about a fucking relationship,

when he's being like, she was bad to me, but it's also almost very clear. You know what you like? You know what you listen to? It's car advert music. Yeah, absolutely. 100% Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Bump. Bump. The new Honda. I remember once me and Stade were driving to a gig somewhere and I listened to music in the car. That's crazy. That's crazy. After half an hour me and Stade were talking, right, for about half an hour and he's like,

are you a psychopath? I was like, I don't think so. But it's been suggested, he's like, there's no music going on in the background. I'm like, what do you want to listen to? He's like, I don't think so. But it's been suggested, he's like, there's no music on in the background. I'm like, what do you want to listen to? He's like, fucking anything, man. He's like, buddy, I can hear the voices in my head. I love, he's loved doing the long car journeys we stayed. I remember one time, none of us had spoken

in about 45 minutes. We were just listening to whatever was on the radio. And then he just turned to me and went you know what's fucking bullshit man it's like this idea that comedy has to come from tragedy it's like I don't buy that shit at all he's like I look at you Conor you you probably had a pretty rough time in high school yeah I didn't I didn't really love high school he's like yeah man you probably think I had a rough time in high school. I went, yeah, probably. He went, nope, I've been popular my whole fucking life.

We were talking about this the other day about Stade, which is like, there must have been a point, and maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there was a point when his stage persona was a height, like as all of our stage personas are, it's a heightened version of herself. Stage and that character are now just one. Completely inseparable.

I did a short-lived podcast with him during COVID because he lived not that far from me and we were bored. So I'd pick him up, the studio we were using was in Dundee. So I'd pick him up once a week and drive him to Dundee. And we had like, it was like mate of a mate's podcast studio, but we still had to like get there for the time because other people were using it. So like I was outside his house,

beeping and beeping and beeping. I'm already like 10 minutes late. I'm like, fuck, what's he doing? Like, phone in on no answer on his phone So I get to go I get the car and go up to his little back door and it's like patio his old house is like patio glass doors And I look through the thing he's sitting on his couch with a VR headset on Wearing the yellow karate suit from Cobra Kai, with the headband, joint

going and on the side table next to him is a magazine called Philosophy Monthly. It was I remember when state first got that VR, it blew his fucking mind. Like state surprisingly grew up playing Dungeons and Dragons and shit. There's a game on the fucking VR, which is just like a dungeon crawler. And like he was just obsessed with it, like could not get him out of that fucking reality. He was like, I never thought I not get him out of that fucking reality He was like I never thought I'd see this thing become Oh, yeah, all through COVID I used to go around they used to be in his back garden with the helmet on Yeah, and yeah

Literally he got all the grass in his garden removed and placed on the square of astroturf So he got a floodlight put in so he could play VR in his garden. And every time I saw him, he went, because it was during lockdown, he'd be like, dude, I'm not enjoying this reality, so I'm gonna stay in this world until the real one isn't fucked up. I used to write jokes with Stade all the time because he was unbelievable to write jokes with.

He genuinely is like one of the most underrated comics in the UK. The guy's so fucking funny. Steven Grant had a great point about one, I think it was on Stuart Goldsmith's podcast where he's like, there are very few natural comedians. And what a natural comedian is, is you could shake them out of bed,

hand them the microphone, push them on stage, and even if they had no material, they would still rip a room. And that is stage. Absolutely. Right. None of us are fucking capable of it. So writing with him was amazing, but also very frustrating because I would, he'd be like, so Dan, what material you got? And I'm like, right. So I want to do a bit about like the female noises that they make in tennis. So the setup is, you know the noises that women make during tennis. He's like, what about all the noises women make?

I'm like, stop adding to the fucking setup, but he would just make you explore every avenue. And he wants to add, he's good. It works for him, it doesn't always work for you, where he finds funny, every line he wants to find funny in it. So like, well, like so I was watching Wimbledon and there was these two female tennis players and he'll go, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why can't one of them be black? Anyway, yeah, like, yeah, one of them. And he's like, no, no, no, because it got to be something else there. He's like, she was black and he's like throwing another descriptor and he's so good at that. And you go like, that's fine for you. Yeah. I can't go on those. He's too black. Guess which? Yeah. Put it this way. They shared a womb. There was, I also remember like, cause stayed all the time. he loved writing with me

and I think it's cause I would help him fucking condense stuff, but also I, man trying to get him to stay away from a dangerous, oh no, stay away from a dangerous topic, but just not tromp through that minefield with a blindfold clogs on. He's like, Dan, I wanna do a bit about trannies in the army. Yeah.

And I was like, okay, first of all, Tom, we can't call them trannies. He's like, no, no, it's okay. I'm on their side. Yeah. Like if you're on their side, you don't call them trannies. I don't know how true this is,

but someone told me he got like a bit of a telling off by a club because he kept saying faggot. And he went, his reply to the person who pulled him up was like, no man. I can say it I got a cousin who has it I don't know if you ever did it on stage. I mean he must have done because he's fucking fearless place Tratties in the army. He's like, I don't understand why America army is banning trannies, right? That's who I want on the front line.

Who do you want, a man cowering in a bunker, scared of all the gunfire, he's 17 years old, he's not even had a drink yet, or a dude who ripped his dick off? Yeah, yeah. That's a brave woman. Do you want a guy who's worried that his dick might get blown off,

or a guy that tore his off himself? I remember just being like, I'm stinking your chest. We could get through this if you just stop using the word trannies. What else am I meant to call them? Just their names. Yeah. I remember I was hoping for a gig and he was like,

when you're done opening for me, man, I need you to do me a favor. Go back to the hotel, my buddy Ian's gonna be there, pick him up, he's gonna come party with us after the show I was like yeah no worries I was so new to comedy I had like a beat to shit like Corsa or something and so I opened and then jumped in the car he refused he went over the plan with me like three times he's gonna be here man just pick him up bring him back party but not once did he think to tell me in advance that the guy was the drummer for

Kasabian. I was like, the conversations had to unfold and I was like, so what do you do, man? He's like, I play the drums. I'm like, cool, like full time. That's information I need because I like Kasabian but what if Kasabian had come on and I'd be like I'll fucking skip this shit. I need to know that before I pick up the drummer. By the way the guy's fucking sound really cool guy but yeah he's just like I love the way he's like that's just a thing that he does. The exit with the drummer from Kasabian. If you've, if nobody knows who Stade is

for their international listeners, go watch his set on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow. Cause it's widely regarded that the meet and van routine. It's so good. It's just one of the greatest routines ever done. It's so good. And yeah, he's, how did we get on to Stade there? Oh, who? I forgot what we were talking about.

I feel like we went straight from John Smeaton to Tom Stade. Yeah, just fucking psychos. Yeah. Just going through a list of psychos. Oh, your musical taste, that's what I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I got, like, so that was at Robbie Williams. I was, Robbie Williams was playing Murrayfield.

I said to my wife, should we go see Robbie Williams? We could go see Robbie Williams. And by the way, I've been to maybe five concerts in my life. At the end of the story, I'd love to know what those are. Oh, I can tell you. I'll go from like best and most respectable to the absolute worst, right?

So I say concerts, like I've seen Future Islands, Right. Best of all, and fucking Clastonbury. I've seen, in fact, even then I've actually, I guess I can't count those concerts. So I saw Snoop Dogg, Elton John and Fab Boislem all at Bestival. Yeah, yeah, real good.

Those are great picks. Didn't go out of the way to see them. Yeah, they were just there. But the festival went along. The only concert I've ever paid money and gone to see myself. But they were at the festival, went along. The only concert I've ever paid money and gone to see myself is Nickelback. And I went with my mama. I was 15, which doesn't make any fucking better.

Do you know what? I don't mind Nickelback. I think they get overly hated. I tell you who I would pay through the fucking nose to see live. Creed. Oh mate. I, so I started playing, like I've always been kind of aware of Creed like before the Creed Renaissance that we're having now, but I've always been, and I've always kind of done the voice like to annoy my fiance.

I've always just gone around there's me like Where you are with me Where you are with me Where you are with me Can you take me higher Have you seen the half time the football half time performance of that? No We need to play the clip it's phenomenal it It's the most Creed thing you'll ever see.

There's a guy like on wires just flying around the stadium. But I started putting like higher and one last breath and stuff on ironically and like singing it at my fiance. And now I just like Creed. I've had it on so much. I'm like, they're fucking great. I got into Creed because back when WWE was WWF and the attitude around 1999, because so many kids were just breaking each other's back,

Jericho and each other, like they had to do like a bunch of, don't try this at home, like clips and the background music for it was my sacrifice. And I was like, this is fucking banging. Yeah. That you know, they're, you know what Nickelback and Creed and all that are, they are the tribal tattoo of music. Yes. That's what they are. But there's sometimes that's fine.

Yeah. They're the tribal tattoo of music. They're only for white people. Yeah. They're the Oakley rapper and sunglasses of the audio world. It's just... You know, I didn't know they were a Christian band until I was 23.

So is, same with the killers as well. It's all Christian shit. Comfort. shit. That grungy era of music, no one was saying a fucking cohesive sentence. You ever listened to, you listened to much Pearl Jam? I couldn't name a single one of those. It's literally just, but it's the same thing. See, it's all just like, where's all the other, I like, I mean, I, you know, we love Tom Stake because Tom Stake's got this fucking, well, not only that he's good, but he's got this like really weird like voice that's so distinctive

of him and it does make his comedy infinitely better. Like there's a few comedians like that where it's like your voice is what makes it extra funny. I don't mind that in music. I don't know. I mean, obviously my music associate, I can't name any of the fucking references of people. I feel like fucking Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, yeah, he's a bit of a, he's a bit mumbly. Yeah. A wee bit.

I love Paolo Nettini. I think he's great, but I will quite often do Paolo Nettini around the house as well. Cause it's just, it's a lot of, Grandma will ask you a question. Just let me hold the, it's a lot of like, yeah, I got but the sales. I mean that's a lot of just rolling your shoulders. Why are you not successful outside of Scotland, Paulo? Because he looks like he should be playing the spins. Good old fashioned knees up. I've seen Paulo and the TV live at fucking Hydro Connect Festival, which doesn't exist anymore, thankfully.

Yeah, they're all gone yeah all the tea people like bring back tea in the pot don't bring back rock n' s yeah yeah it was good hi and there was the first no tea in the pocket but like Scotland is we're on the up don't bring it back I didn't I didn't mind Park, I never went, but like, it was guaranteed between five and twenty deaths every year from drug overdoses. And I'm fine with that. But do you think how many unwanted children were made that weekend is way more than we lost?

We gained more than we lost at a tea in the park. So obviously on the topic of just like fucking drugs, overdoses, I like X has become fucking shit. Like Twitter has become a fucking cesspit. Like Facebook's like, we're no longer going to fucking fact check things, right? So now all of the fucking racists and bigots have gone to Instagram and it's now just become bullying.

My algorithm is, it'll be like a really nice video of a couple saying something. I'm like, why is this my algorithm? And then I open the comments and it's just the meanest comments in the world. And because I read all of them and laugh my ass off, my algorithm is just online bullying and I love it. The one that killed me so much the other day,

there's a fair play of this guy, like losing his nose because he's just done so much fucking gear. Look at this guy, right? I've seen that, I've seen that. I'll save you, I'll save you. I've seen this guy as well. Do you wanna know what the number one comment was? So this guy lost his fucking nose to cocaine pretty much.

He's talking very proudly about the fact that he's got a hundred days off the fucking care and everything, number one comment. Have you ever questioned the fact that the drugs not for you because you're a massive lightweight? Ha ha ha ha! The guy's cooked his nose off. I genuinely think the reason that racism and homophobia and all of this hate is coming back is because people started policing the court lobbies and the halo lobbies. Like this was when

online gaming started all it was was verbal abuse. The second you got in there it was just saying the most horrific thing. I've said this before when I was 13 years old if I was in a lobby with Americans all I would do is say I'm glad 9-11 happened. I'm sorry I was the funniest thing in the world. They would just lose their minds. They would say shit. I had the N I was the funniest thing in the world. Yeah. And they would just lose their minds. They would say, I had the N word so many fucking times. And then I got police and then it filtered out to the rest of the world. Cause you know those the rage rooms that like middle

age white women will go in and push a vase over because their husband's cheating on them, right? Right. So I think there should be like a, like racist rooms or even like smoking, non-smoking section. So would you like a racist section of the bar? Absolutely. Which is just like, and Scotland is just the pub. Cause it needs to be a place for it. Do you like how, um, they do it. They did it in Germany where they have like needle park for there's designated safe zones. You can go and shoot up heroin where you can get clean needles. There's super

medical supervision that that needs to happen because everyone's everyone's got something in them. Everyone's got a bit of racism or hate or something. You can go into a rage room and it's just like, uh, like instead of, um, like, you know, they have the mannequins that you can go into a rage room and it's just like, like instead of like, you know, they have the mannequins that you can hit with hammers and that like, just like a black one, Chinese, whatever has happened to you that day. Whatever came. You've decided to take out,

and it would obviously just be called a race room. A fat one. Yeah. Like, and black people as well, black people can go in. Might as well be, might as well be full. A mannequin with a hood on, pointy hood go in. Might as well be a mannequin with a hood on, pointy hood going to you. Might as well be a room filled with just fucking pensioners. I would love, I would love nothing more than to scream in every pensioner's face, why haven't you fucking died yet? Stop walking around Marks and Spencer's and go into the fucking cafe. This isn't a life.

This isn't a fucking life. Every fucking lunchtime, breaded fucking haddock with your three remaining friends and Mark just fucking dying man. And your Honda Jazz that has a dent on every panel. And for some reason that you just because you've lived that long, you get to park right outside of it. You're so old that your age is a disability now. Yeah. Oh, I never realised that. Is that? Yeah, I guess. Because my number one complaint as a fucking parent is the fact that Edinburgh Council seems to think there's way more disabled people than people with children. There are like five kids parking spaces and 95,000 disabled. And I understand not every disability is visible,

but every fucking kid is. But if you're getting a parking space, it should be visible, I think. Yeah. Well, you need to park there because you've got IBS, you need to be close to the toilet, fucking grow up. Like, I want an old school, I want a limp. I want a chair. I want you to open the door and just pour out onto the concrete. Also, if you're in a wheelchair, get to the

fucking back of the car park. Would your legs hurt? What are you fucking talking about? Some of us are worried about cramps. Oh, fuck. Yeah. I didn't, and I, morally I will never park in a disabled space. I'll absolutely park in a parent and child space. I have on several occasions grogged as in like, I've grogged on the door handles of people who park in kids parking. And I'll check when I'm when I when I park in a kids Parking space I will walk down all the cars and I'll check in there for baby seats and toddler seats And if it's not there your fucking hand is getting cropped on Daniel's loss spotted checking cars for child seats. Yep

Terrible PR. But there was one time I was taking the Kailin into a fucking pet store, just to amuse him for a bit. And this guy swung in front of us and just this fucking 35 year old guy got out, let us cigarette. Yeah.

Didn't get a kid out. And I went, so I put, didn't get Kailin out the car, right at park 10. I went wait there two minutes and just fucking hoit the biggest baby right on the fucking handle. And I'm like, that's what you fucking care about. I wish I'd been there when he'd come back and be like,

oh no. Bird shat on it or something. Nope. Oh no, there was blood in it. What's like the furthest moral thing like that, that you'll, where does your thing end? So you won't pack in a parent and child if you don't have a child with you.

I won't like choose that space. But if it's rammed and there's loads free, I will nip in. But like, you know that thing, that moral dilemma where they're like, oh, it tells you a lot about a person if they take the trolley back. I do always take the trolley back. Always, and not just if lot about a person if they take the trolley back. I do always take the trolley back. 100%, yeah.

Always, and not just if there's a pound in it. No, no. Trolley's always go back. I'll check around before, I'll have a look before using a disabled toilet. Oh, mate, I had that first recently. I was just in Glasgow and I was in a bunch of press for the Glasgow Comedy Festival and then I had like a s to shit.

I'm not shitting one. I wouldn't do that. But if it's a quick piss, I'm like, if I can't see a disabled person right now, I've got 30 seconds to piss. No, I will only shit in a disabled toilet. Because you get to piss anywhere, but it's its own room. Yeah. Like how am I not supposed to shit in there? I hate how like, that's one of the arguments about the trans stuff that annoys me most, like same sex bathrooms, unisex bathrooms,

like you realize this is good for all of us. Yeah. That's just going to be individual bathrooms. Like why as a man are you like, no I want to shit with just a piece of fucking styrofoam between me and a stranger. Yeah and in a room of the gender that exclusively have the worst shits in the world. I'm not proud of this. I was in a Wetherspoons at about three hours to kill before I had to go and do this like STV thing. So I couldn't, I didn't have enough time to leave Glasgow and come home, but I didn't want to sit in a cafe cause three hours in a cafe I feel is a piss

take. Yeah. Like a small little independent. I'm not going to sit there for three hours with maybe two coffees. Use the guy's electricity. Yeah. Spoons is kind of perfect for that. You can sit there. And also the guy who owns spoons is a fucking cunt. Exactly. I don't feel bad wasting his space and it's quiet So I sat and then just got the rumble because it's 129 for free refills of coffee. So I had about five coffees and immediately almost shot myself So there was like I have to have to shit and it was so quiet

The pub like there was seven other people in this 400 seat Wetherspoons. I went, I went round and I went, oh, the disabled toilet's empty. I'm just gonna go for it. And any shit you have to do in a Wetherspoons toilet is gonna be one of the worst shits of your life. Otherwise you would have held it til home.

Like you never shit in a Wetherspoons and go, oh, that was no bother. It was a close day or whatever. It's always going to be a fucking explosive nightmare. You're going to have to like, you want compensation when you leave. And I opened the door and a fucking woman with like a disabled kid in a chair was waiting. And I just, I knew what they were walking into. So you did the voice.

Annoying. Thank you. It's the first time ever. Not every disability is visible, but most of them are fucking audible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be able to smell this one, no? Not every disability is visible, but this one's left streaks. That's the first time I think I've ever come to a disabled toilet and had somebody wait and do that awful thing

that people can talk about. And I just felt awful. I literally just got my stuff on the left. Here's my, here's one of my moral lines is I think obviously I'm against fucking stealing, but if it takes me too long to get served, I'm walking out there with the stuff. I fucking hate that. And my new one now that's prompted me to start doing a bit more shoplifting is Sainsbury's and Tesco and that. The self-checkout. Oh, 100%. uh, Sainsbury's and Tesco and that the self check out. Not only are they making me do the self checkout,

but now there's a barrier that won't let you unless she scan your receipt. So like, Oh, do it. But also we don't trust you. So I, I know some people, there's a revolution and it's slow, but what I'll say is six months. I haven't paid for a carrier bag. That's 30p at a time I'm calling back. I just refuse. I hate that. Not like you've forced me into doing a job that I didn't ask for. Oh and also like you've taken that yours you as a massive corporation are saving money by automating all of this. You've not updated the system in 20 years even though as long as I've been a comedian People have been complaining about how bad self-service checkout machines are and the fact that the way is all up

100% you're allowed to shoplift from Saintsbury's, Tesco, Asta, anywhere that does it. Same with that Amazon one where like no one works there and You it just scans what you the weight the weight not it's like yeah I think everything's got a code on it if you can find a way to steal from one of those Amazon shops please do it yeah if you can bother fucking put a staff member there to stop me doing this yeah I'm gonna do it the I'm sure my show about my wealth here a margin, Marks and Spencer self-service tech. There's no, there's no way it wasn't where they just trashed it. I've used them a bit.

I just go in there like, yeah, just put it all down there. There's no, oh, that's not, that doesn't feel like the weight of a male. Cause it's not, that's like MNS is too white color. Like I, I do expect to see a guy like committing fraud. All of this money they're losing is at the currency exchange. There's a guy running a white collar scam there. No one's nicking from M&S, which is funny to me. I always sound that funny. I used to, in lockdown, I did a delivery job. I did delivery for Iceland. Right, fucking how the other half live. And the vans-

Oh no, no, but I've got mad respect for people like you and especially fucking Gareth Warr. There were two types of fucking comedians during the thing. One half went, you know what, I was working class before this, I'm working class fucking now, my job's gone, I'm gonna get another job. Gareth went to work in Sainsbury Stacking shops,

he went delivering. And then the other half were like, you can buy me a coffee. Oh my God. Oh, don't even get me fucking started on that. Of like, I lied on my last three years tax returns. So I didn't get enough money from the government now. You're like, well fucking go and get a job you lazy cunt.

And also I loved that delivery job was great because the only people that were allowed to drive in the first phase of lockdown were key workers. It was like driving in the fucking fifties. No one was on the road. You've got an open bottle. Nobody on the roads. It was amazing.

But they always baffled me. They're like, oh, the vans are getting robbed a lot guys. So please just make sure. And I'll go, like it's the same amount of jail time to rob an M and S van as a, as an Iceland van. And that's why these poors will never get out of their situation because it's a small mindedness of going over choosing to rob an Iceland van when you could just steal something better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's fucking do it. Let's go and rob Lidl. You're like, man, Lidl is the savior of many a family. You go to jail for as long stealing from waitrose as you do fucking Lidl. Aye, dream big. It's a bit of class. Yeah, but do you reckon you get fucking bullied?

Like if you, like if your friends come round and you've got a fucking bunch of weight throws bags there and you're working class, they're like, fucking all right. Yeah, yeah. No honestly, I stole it. I stole it. I'm not buying stuff from weight throws. Better no be.

Yeah, no, I'll never, I don't understand the thing of like, I mean I am lazy but I still, rather than having no money I'll always just go and work. Like I'll do something. Yeah, I mean I've, yeah, I mean I don't know if I would, I would never go back to it but I would kill myself. Oh I couldn't go back now. Because I'm just, I'm so unqualified, I'm so unlikable, I couldn't be in a front facing job, I couldn't work in an office job. Like the level of self control that people who work in office jobs with like people above them,

and people above you who you know are no smarter than you, they've just been there longer or they're there because they're a fucking bloke, when you're able to just bite your fucking tongue, no smarter than you. They've just been there longer or they're there because they're a fucking bloke. When you're able to just bite your fucking tongue. More power to you. Yeah. Because the thing that I don't have anymore, and I know you definitely don't have anymore,

is the thing that you need to thrive in retail is you need to be able to pretend that these people's tiny and significant problems are massive. And I've lost that ability. Like, if someone came in like, I ordered this and it was supposed to be delivered yesterday and it still hasn't arrived.

I'd be like, well, fucking go and drown yourself in the bath. If it's that difficult, if it's affecting you that much, imagine what's gonna happen when one of your kids dies or something. Yeah, which is gonna happen unless you get out of my fucking sight. If you're crying and fucking Sainsbury's because your carrots were missing from your delivery, imagine what it's going to be like when you get cancer. Yeah. You're not going to be able to handle this. All right.

The world is a big scary place and your stupid little fucking problems mean nothing to the rest of us. And I don't think that's what a manager wants to hear from their staff. No. I also, like I will, even if I've got the worst service in the world, I'll never take it out on the person that's responsible for it.

I will steal from that shop. I will just be like, if there's a queue, 15 people deep, and I know there's four members of staff backstage and there's only one out here I'm like, well, this is all free then they can tell you the last time I snapped a staff member though Oh, yeah, so it's never happens, but Schiphol Airport Yeah is one of the worst and also they're like

One of the busiest airports in the whole of Europe. We've dishinged it like a fucking moron And it's stupidly designed and there's nowhere to get a decent bite of food in the fucking place. So running to, I'm changing flights and running to get on this flight back home from wherever. And I was so hungry and I had like 45 minutes and all there really was, was a McDonald's. So I ran up to the McDonald's, which is upstairs in Schipola Park, and the guy in front of me made an order for literally his entire family.

Like his whole family, there was like 14 of them. And then I just went, this was before the touch screens, I was still, you still had to go up and I went, I'd literally, I'm not going to say, I went, can I literally, I just want what's ready. and the guy looked at the little rack and went all like I've got quarter pounder I mean can I have a quarter pounder and just give me a bottle of orange juice, please and the guy went Yeah, no problem and then he like put in the till and my order came up on the screen and

After the family and I get that's where I was I went I'm really sorry mate But can I just grab that since it's ready and went that's not really like how it works like I just need to go in order of when it's ready I went that's fine mate but in this conversation you've walked past both of them the things that I'm trying to buy twice could you just move them from here to here and the guy was like oh it's not really and in the middle of me trying to have an argument the guy with the fucking Floors, it's cleaner. Yep. Zeg zagon. So I had to keep getting further away And we like me I just and then I was like, you know what? You stupid Dutch country keep the burger

That's a great way to just get someone out and just slowly corral them out. That was about the last time, but to be fair, I was trying to catch a flight. I think a lot of the time, like the people who are the front of the business don't deserve the verbal abuse that they get. Like if you're yelling at the fucking train conductor because a bunch of trains were late and you've missed your thing, you're yelling at the wrong guy. There does not exist a single member of staff at Terminal 5 Heathrow Security

who does not deserve to have their fucking face screened. Like just these people, just so unaware every day that they work in an airport and that people have flights to catch. And not only like, well, when you arrive earlier, I'm on a fucking transfer, you piece of fucking shit. You're making me go through security again as if I bought a bomb on the fucking plane,

which is your fault for selling by the fucking way. Like, and then you go out there and they're like, what's the rush? I'm like, oh, I don't know. It's just the fact that all of this is timed to a fucking man. We're understaffed today. How could you possibly understaff a place

when you know to a man how many people are coming through? You had to build this terminal because the other four were so busy. So why did you open this and go, fuck, it's busy? Well, we had no idea this would be busy. It's the only place I would love to see a good old fashioned somebody with a fucking whip. Because the security in turn was they should not be allowed to talk to each other at any fucking point. And all they do is fucking sit there gabbing on, like your thing's going through, the whole bell isn't going through

because the one guy here has seen the size of the queue and gone, I should take my break now. And then he'll go away and someone will be like, is that unmanned? Yeah. I'm not qualified to press this. By the way, that is also the one place I'm a huge advocate for racial segregation.

And let me explain this. No, no, that's the other one. Yeah. I think and I think this is better for this is better for every race. Yeah. There should be there should be security lines by race because I know that the black guy at security wants to fuck with me. He wants to be as slow as possible because I'm going to fuck with this little white boy

because he's getting all agitated. I can tell he's like and I know he has no sympathy for me. I think there should be like a white cue, a black cue, I know he has no sympathy for me. I think there should be like a white queue, a black queue, high risk queue. I... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha as well. I think that would make the airport. There was speaking of like the black guys, fucking with the white guys. I remember somewhere in an American airport. It was exactly the same. I was wanting to get to my flight. I was fucking running through it. I was clearly fucking sweating. I go through the scanner and the guy goes, uh, lift it, like lift up the bottom of your shoe. So I lifted my shoe

like that and he goes, okay, lift up the bottom of your other shoe. And it went like that. He went, grab your ankle and I grabbed my ankle and he went, just go for it. I said that. And it fucking killed me. I was like, all right. That's good shit. Imagine you do that with a guy that has a bomb strapped up.

That's where the trigger is, motherfucker. Airport people, like people that work in the airport, they know, cause again, like you fly way more than me, but I still fly way more than normal people. And like they know that for an average person, that's one of the most stressful days of your life as the airport day, because everybody gets so fucking highly strong about it. And it's different, because if you miss a train, it's not 800 quid to get on the next train and stuff. So people get really anxious about that,

and I swear they fucking eat that shit up. They do, they're bastards for it. I remember once in Auckland airport, like it was an hour and a half to get through security, right? Because they were just so under fucking staffed. We got through and this horrible bitch of a woman, this horrible cunt, and that is, and she's a woman and she's a cunt, that is the word. Went through my son's entire toy trolley. Like we were, we were, it was me, my in-laws,

my child and my wife, and she went through every single fucking toy. Like, like, and then the end had the fucking gall to smile at me. What was it like going on tour with Kai, cause he, I feel like I'm either really, I'm not as stressed in airports now because normally I'm stoned in an airport

so I can just fucking. I mean, it's also, it's different for you because like you've got other people that their livelihoods depend on you getting to the place on time. So like, it's not even that you've missed the gig, it's that, oh fuck, these promoters are gonna be angry, the venue, all that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're so fun. Yeah. And there's no refunds by the way. Guys, why would I refund you? I missed a flight.

This is costing me. This is why. Man, take it up a terminal five. Of course, of course. All of the fans, all of that. And it's so like, I can understand why, like it's a fucking stressful thing. If you think you're going to miss a flight or something. Kay was quite easy, easy person to travel with.

And not really what this is just a podcast where we pitch about touring with Kay. Right. Well, I don't know what are your touring gripes with Kay? Because you've done it way, way more than I have. Um, Kai will announce to the world that he's hungry, as opposed to solving that problem himself. Yeah, now that you say that, I guess, yeah, he does like to... I feel like I could do some food to him, like,

all right, man, you've got a wallet, what are you doing? Why are we having this conversation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you have to be alone in the airport, right? 100%. Yeah, you don't want any small talk. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right? Where you're just like, I fucking hate that person.

I fucking hate that person. Do this, fuck it. That's what he's superb at. And there's, but on the other side, when that happens to him, I'm like, why are you bringing your negative vibes over here, man? I'm just chill. This is a completely one sided relationship. He is, he's good. He booked us the wrong, on the first night he booked us a taxi in the wrong direction. He says direction is... To be fair, mine's also shit. I get it from my mum. My mum, once we were on holiday and my mum went to this wee shop which was 100 yards up the road from where we were staying.

And my cousin found her on the beach, which was like... Like J Slater. Which was like... Just fucking wandering. Which was like a mile past the opening for where we were staying. So she just kept walking and they just happened, thank fuck they were on the beach,

they were on the holiday with us. And they just, my mom like turned up to the beach with a spar bag and they're like, where you going Gina? And she was like, I'm trying to get back to where we're staying. It's like, it's fucking way up the road. You got past that ages ago. Also, how did you walk here for two minutes

and then walk in one direction for 20? Which downhill, how did you think downhill was taking you longer? God bless her, she's amazing. I remember one time when I was younger as well, she went, she drove to work and then came in at night and it was like a 10 minute drive. And then she came in and she went,

oh, that's horrible, chalking it down tonight. and she went oh it's horrible chucking it down tonight. My dad went where's the car and she went what you talking about? She went I walked home from work she drove to work and then just left work and walked home. God boy I love her but she's fucking yeah she's she's not wired to the moon but I get it from her. I'm not as bad as her, but my mum could spend four hours in a multi-story car park. Oh, easy.

Easy. And she'd freak the fuck out. The car's been stolen. She'd get on the wrong. I'm gonna remember, Kai is good at, he knows his memory problems now. He's not above taking a picture of where he's parked the car

giving himself away. Oh yeah I've done a few like and I'm like good man you like I complain about a problem so much that you went I'm gonna fix this myself. Yeah I did a horrible corporate gig once at the Oran Moore in Glasgow yeah it was like a black tie thing. And anytime I made this stupid joke once, and anytime I say black tie event, I always think of Tiger Woods. It's the only black tie person I can think of. But it was like this, but I kind of died, but I just scraped through it. And I forgot if you know where the Oranmore is in Glasgow,

but it's like a labyrinth of streets around there and they all look the same. It's like a grid system and I couldn't even remember where I parked my car, so it's pissing down as well. I had to just walk around a bit of Glasgow for 45 minutes in a tux. And then the gig ended, all the people were leaving and I walked past them. I grew up and they were like, it's been an hour since I was on stage and I'm just walking past them in the street and they're like, are you the community? Like, why the fuck are you just

roaming the streets around the venue, you fucking psycho? Are you waiting to rape one of us? How many, cause I listened to the book as you did on tour, and I know the one where he lost his fucking glasses cause they were in his trouser pocket. Yeah. How many, how many things did he lose? No, sorry, let me rephrase this.

How many things did he tell you he lost before he spent two minutes looking for them? Yeah, he does do that a bit to be fair. He's a lot of- He doesn't to wind me up now and I'm very worried. He pats himself a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll notice.

No, no, he pats, he makes sure that he pats himself in your periphery. If you're reading a fucking book and he realizes he's lost his wallet over there, he'll walk in, he'll walk right there and go, and just so he doesn't have to ask, he'll be like, oh. And I'm just like, no, I'm not buying motherfuckers. He's raised a bit.

He's just like, oh, I should go. Do you fancy, oh, dad, I'd love to get you a drink, but I'm all right for a drink, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's, yeah, he's moving cushions and that. Looking under me as if I'm not. To be fair, he had all the podcast stuff where I'm as well in a separate suitcase.

I don't know. You have to compliment. Can I talk about how good he is taking on the stuff around? I can say I'm trying to think of how I can, how I can bad mouth them. Um, as we like, it was fine. Just make up. Just make up. So just he cheats. Oh, well, yeah, like, like it was fine. Just make up, just make up stuff. It just, he cheats. Yeah.

Well, like, well, yeah, like, as I just thought that was kind of open. He told me that he was in an open relationship. We're in an open relationship, but don't you fucking tell that to her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, he, what, one thing I will say about Kai, and I say this with love, is that he will not try, even try slightly

to soften his Geordie accent when he's talking to staff in a place. 100%. He will say it the same way seven times, and then look at you as if to go, why are they not getting this? Why is this Czech person not understanding? Sometimes it's his, it's his word choice.

Because he's getting better now that he's like, right, I understand. I've got this thick accent. He slows it down on stage so that the audience understand. And then there's sometimes he's talking to friends or two people we're with. And I'm like, why on earth did you choose to use the word helocution?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just say, just say, enunciate. Just say, speak properly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aye, aye. It was a wee bit of that. Did he tell you the story about when we went from Tallinn to Tartu in Estonia?

And we arrived, we got a lift there by the promoter and we arrived and there was this weird Mexican standoff where this just twat coming down the street just stopped his car and he was waiting to turn into a car park or something, but he had loads, there's parked cars on our side, he had space to pull in, but rather than pull in and just let us through, he forced us to reverse all the way down the street

and then he came through. So we kind of, everyone in the car was like, we're fucking belly hands calling this guy every name under the sun. And then we go into the hotel, that guy is checking in, in front of us and we can't get to the check-in desk because he has like four suitcases and they're all spread out. So he's in our fucking way again. And then we check in, the promoter make sure that our details are correct he leaves and then me and Ky get up and we're both staying on the third floor and

The door is open on the third floor and the guy is standing basically his nose against the door waiting to come on He's standing right there and kind of just goes is this what you do? Is this just what you fucking do you just get in the fucking way of people? what you do is this just what you fucking do you just get in the fucking way of people guy was like i had no idea we were the same people from the car the same people were behind them and the doors opened and they just went is this just what you fucking do is it that is one of the things i love so much about kai is just like the bits where i would never confront someone He's like guys guys like I've got constant lives and where he's like, I reckon I could be up

75% of me and that's always worth a toss of the dice for me He will have some days but if somebody's annoying them to the point and he's been giving them a but I need to be very Patient and he does his meditation and he takes his breath, but when he fucking snaps I'm like this is gonna be class later. And I'm like, he's like the big dog. And I'm like the tiny little dog yapping behind him. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if he were to leave, I'd be like,

how are you? I've seen him close a couple of times. One time in Australia, he almost fucking kicked off at a heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe.

I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I've heard a lot about Sophe. I journey thing or me, Sop it and Sop I know you're listening and I know you won't mind me telling this fucking story. I've heard a lot of it, Sop it.

I love Sop it so fucking much. I think we were in either, I don't know if it was Vegas or it was Benetton, it was a Stag Do. And like we were all in the fucking lift going up like to put this other guy crammed his way in instead of waiting for their lift. And Sopra just went, what the fuck are you doing? And physically grabbed the guy by the shoulder,

walked him out and went, stay there until the next one and walked back in. I'm like, man, that's the dream. The dream is being that hard. I love when people don't have that like filter because comedians, we all like to go like totally unfiltered. I think I say it we're probably some of the we say like wild shit on stage but it's very considered we've like you do have to go through a process of making sure it works in clubs

and like you're not going to go up and do like the Kramer. I was going to see this. It's a black room. It might land. Well, we do say wild shit, but then you meet these people in real life who like say unbelievable stuff that would get you canceled in comedy and seconds, but not even that. They've just got that social thing where they just don't care if people are annoyed at them. I've got a cousin like that and he's so naturally funny. He's made me fucking piss myself laughing. I remember once we were at like a function, like a family do, and the buffet opened and everybody went up to get some buffet

food and there was an older woman with giant sunglasses in front of them. And she was just taking fucking forever. And he just, in front of like 40 people in the queue, he just went, fuck me, can't even get a sausage roll for fucking Anastasia. Yeah. Didn't care. He said it like over her.

I was like, I just wish I had that in me sometimes. Like the way Ricky Gervais seems to imagine himself in everything he writes. Oh, you got a good plug. I am going on tour over UK. I start like in 10 days. I'm going everywhere. The Scottish dates are the big ones.

Kings Theater, Glasgow, doing two of them. I see them in Edinburgh, but I go with my website, connor-burns.com and then after that I'm doing my Aussie tour in April as well. Oh yeah, I'll see you out there. Yeah. I'll see you in Sydney. Yeah, class. Sweet man, thanks for coming on.

Thanks for having me. Great laugh.