Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flashback #1 Muggins and Cream Re-united

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

In the build up to Christmas at 9pm each night we're re-releasing favourite episodes of the podcast chosen by you. This one from March 2017 had a popular vote so we couldn't think of a better way to start this series. Original text: TWO HOUR REUNION SPECIAL After 9 weeks apart and a brief two week break from the podcast while Kai was in Thailand meeting his wife and Sloss still couldn't find any friends, the boys finally reunite in Melbourne and discuss Kai's recent marriage proposal.

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. It's me, Kai Humphreys, aka Muggins, your favourite, hashtag Team Muggins. This isn't a new podcast, so don't get too excited that we've just dropped two back-to-back new episodes. But we are starting a series of reruns of favourites chosen by you. We're going to do ten, building up between now and Christmas, releasing them every evening. And this one that was chosen by you guys is called Muggins and Cream Reunited. It's from back in the 30th of March 2017. I think it was like episode 41.

And it's the episode, it's a bumper one, it's a two hour long episode. Me and Daniel had missed each other for about two months. And in that time I'd proposed to my now wife Natalie. So it's a little bit of a history lesson to how me and Natalie got betrothed And it's also a good catch up between

It's classic Muggins and Cream in it That's why we're starting with it Enjoy Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins Straight thuggin' livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' Muggles

Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats. That's our intro. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? My mam's telling me no. But my dad, my dad's telling me yes But my dad My dad's telling me yes

What does that have to do with Muggles and Cream? It doesn't I just thought you'd like a song I know you miss my songs Oh, I was going to do one What's yours? Guess Who's Back Back again

The one I did in episode 5 Oh, right A fucking nerd You're Mugglepedia And she's not Rich Masara so we're back yeah

for those of you that don't listen to the podcast back again Muggle's is back telling cream some cream we're a little bit giddy

we haven't seen each other in a long time it's been about what three months it's been three months and further so we've just bumped into each other

literally yeah like we wanted to make sure this podcast was as fresh as possible because we've not seen each other in ages we didn we wanted to make sure This podcast was as fresh as possible Because we've not seen each other in ages We didn't want to miss it If you've not recorded this I will put a boot through your fucking neck Oh yeah we'll miss that gold

So we've tried to have some conversations Over the last five minutes Where I've been setting up the podcast equipment But we'll keep it up each other And go save it for the podcast So right here we are Go It's actually gone back to Slauson Humphreys on the road now the podcast. So right, here we are, go.

It's actually gone back to Sloss and Humphreys on the road now. We're back on the road, back in Sloss and Humphreys. In the Mediterranean. No, we're not. No, we're in Australia. Anywhere hot in the Mediterranean. Sorry, Brazil. Where are we? We're in Melbourne.

Yeah, it's good. I've been ignoring your jokes. Oh yeah, rolling them over. Because I'm with Andrew Stanley it's good. I've been missing ignoring your jokes. Oh, yeah, rolling them over. Because when I'm with Andrew Stanley, it's hard to tell when he's telling jokes, so I never know when to ignore them. His voice has the rhythm of, hold on, you might have to pause this,

because there's your mate. Hi, Gene. There's your mate. Gene's here. So we're going to have a spliff break. No. We're back. Gene is here, being Gene and not head.

break no alright we're back Gene is here being Gene and not head I was first of all

I want to bring up some stuff that you said on the podcast while I was away I've just little gripes first of all I do have friends

all over the world your hairdresser's not one of them he's a sworn enemy he's just fluffy I've just not like I haven't seen you for three months, but I didn't know you'd be fucking croning a Kim Jong-un.

It's just fluffy up top. You look like a dictator of North Korea. North right in my career. Didn't work because it sounded too much like career. We'll edit that out. Yeah, that's your career to the left. No. I'm just trying to save you by

being in a bad... By equally, I mean worse. So this is also a perfect example of the differences of lives we've led. It's 12 in the afternoon, you've just asked for a tea and Jean's just brought me a cider. Yeah, I'm having a green tea. Because one of us has been fun for the past three months.

I've been fun. Have you? Yeah, I've been spotting strangers on the bench press. You've been spotting them all helping them. There he is. Who's this cutie? Touching his elbows. So, yeah, I've just been to

Paradise. Yeah. That was good. And? I got bit by mosquitoes. Oh, right. The other big news you mean not the mosquito news yeah I got a tan well yeah

you're marrying her I got a tan as a wife yeah my tan's marrying us aye my Asta and she said no she said no I asked Natalie I asked her and she said no she said no

I asked Natalie to marry us and she said no straight away to make you laugh it did work it would have made me laugh harder if she had fully committed to it and left you

then you would have just been sad she did let us sob for five minutes I don't know why she so what happened is so the short story is I give her the ring and she said no as a joke because

as the legend has told, she said no. But do you want to hear the story of how I proposed? Not really, but tell it. They do. Muggles. So how did you do it? Did you cry? Did she cry? Cry?

No, I don't think there was any tears. Or tears. So I've known about this for like two months. Since New York. So I filled you in. One last time before you got married. I was like, one for the road. So I've just spent

the last two months basically like trying to get into shape and trying to buy a ring with cleared funds yeah I didn't want to

buy a ring with debt yeah it was Milo asked us like in the beginning of 2015 he was like why haven't you married Natalie yet

it's obvious that you're not going to be together forever and ever IDST and I was like Milo why do you talk like a teenage girl's he just had a journal will you will you marry natalie yes no circle witch and pass it back and the question was valid he was like why are you marrying natalie and i was like i've got a

bit of a good and i've got debt from living a good life. And I just made a decision that I was going to get in shape and out of debt and fucking proposed to her. So I got out of shape and out of debt again. Just give her the little eye of the storm. I think you've just set the bar too high. Like, had you proposed a year ago when you were a fat, poor mess, you could have been like look baby only way is up like we've got the

future now you've just a rocker with a six pack and a diamond you're like you're like every iPhone you've got like

planned obsolation like this is it's brand new and it's improved but it's only going to be this for fucking six months and I'm just

stuck around really slowly the new Kaifone 6 I'm going to start running slowly that's my big fat cut more of a waddle so you proposed to her in so like i was just a proper fucking square for two months uh getting my head down going home early eating my greens and uh and then we'll get to thailand and i didn't set anything up for the proposal because like i didn't like she was getting there before me i didn't get to Thailand. And I didn't set anything up for the proposal because she was getting there before me.

I didn't get to scope the place out. I just thought I'm going to put the ring in my pocket. And wait for me a moment. I don't know if you've noticed this, Daniel, but I wear very tight shorts these days. She just thinks you've got like a Prince Albert piercing. It's like, oh, can't have fun with Stanley in fucking part. He's got a pierced dick now.

So I put this fucking... Is the ring in a box? The ring's in a box. Not now So I put this fucking Like so The start Is the ring in a box? The ring's in a box Not now Well it's not now It's On her finger

Unless she's doing the school run And she's trying to pick up a dill So Fucking The resort was amazing Like the resort was amazing like the resort was fucking incredible like it's

you're not worried what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand we're not married anymore we're not engaged anymore so I tried to set up like the perfect day

where I was just like oh look you can get like this couples fucking massage treatment thing where it's like two and a half hours and it's jet lag therapy or whatever where you get fucking uh exfoliating scrubbing and massaging a hand job

her watching you get tossed off just make an eye contact with her i'll get jacked off william marius so she checked the price of the um the massages because it's on the luxury resort and she was like because it's on the luxury resort and she was like, oh, it's too expensive. And I'm just like, ah, forget about money. We've got a little bit tucked away.

Why don't we just enjoy ourselves and have a good day? She's like, oh, why don't we just wait and get one in Petong where it's like way cheaper? And I was just like, because I'm going to propose to you tonight.

She's a fucking cunt. Thanks for the cup of tea, Jean. Will you marry us too? I want a roll. They're coming back with a ream. Been on the road for fucking three months. Just come back. You've got a cup of tea in every port.

Pretty milky cup of tea, that, isn't it? I don't know. It does look quite milky. Spread the tea bag between six of us, there's only three of us here. So, because I was texting Natalie, so she's told me... Snitch?

I was like, are you sure? Like, are you double sure? And she told me that basically she ruined every single proposal attempt you had. Yeah, so this is the first one, right? So the first one's I tried to set up that we'll have a massage

because we've been fucking travelling all day and she's a legend as well. She went straight from a session to the flight. Like, got on an Uber straight from being on it to getting the flight through.

So it was like, I arrived late that night so the next day I thought if she has this spa day that I'll put her in good stead for a proposal. Try and put her off with someone else's hands. And literally put her up. Could you put her in good stead for a proposal try and put her up with someone else's hands

and literally put her up could you put her up for us I'll give you a few quid and she's just like alright mate I can't I can't be arsed

I want to spend the rest of my life with her but not manly you know not massage her so so she'd fucking

put the kibosh on the idea of massage nip that in the bud she was like nah and then so

later on that night we'll get ready I'll put on all my new threads looking slick as fuck looking fly as a motherfucker I'll put I'll put the ring

in my pocket and I just I don't know why but it just felt like impossible to keep away from the ring pocket it was this I just, I don't know why, but I just felt like impossible to keep away from the ring pocket. She was like a fucking magpie. She could just sense it. So we get to the beach

where the tables are and there's these tables like actually on the beach. So there's the tables at the restaurant and the outdoor, which is on the grass by the beach, by the sea, because that's how the beach works. And then on the beach. If there's not a at the restaurant and the outdoor, which is on the grass by the beach, by the sea, because that's how the beach works.

And then on the beach. If there's not a sea by the beach, it's a desert, you're lost. That's how that works. So how do I meal in the desert? Where's this from? So when we're walking up, I see these four-, you know, with a can of cannabis, canvas, canopy, canopy, cannabis, cannabis. I was high.

I'm trying to tell you. So there's these like fucking luxury tables, these romantic tables, and they've got like fucking lanterns hanging off them and shit. Right. I was just like, they're the tits. Let's get one of them. Right. So Natalie was like, oh, you'll have to book them in advance. I was just like, but there's some available.

So let's just say if we can book them in advance for now. So I went up and asked and I was like, can'll have to book them in advance I was just like but there's some available so let's just say if we can book them in advance for now so I went up and asked and I was like can we get one of them and she was like you need to book in advance I was like hey

how about I book one now for now she was like let's go see my boss and I just really wanted to pause time and just like show her the ring

and she comes back and just goes no you can't get on but when she's away Natalie's just trying to like cuddle up like just cuddle us like hold me but I've got this big bulge's away, Natalie's just trying to, like, cuddle up, like, just cuddle us,

like, hold me. But I've got this big bulge sticking into her, so I was trying to, like, put that in front of the ring box. So while she's trying to cuddle into us, and while the woman's off trying to see if we can get these romantic tables that Natalie's trying to talk me out of. She's like, oh, no, it doesn't matter about the romantic tables.

They're probably a bit more expensive and you have to book them in advance. I'm just like, I'm trying to propose to you, cunt. So to stop her from cuddling into us, I sat down at the nearest table. You just went, eh, no. Girl gems. Oh, cuties. So I sat down at the nearest table which was just set for

on the ring on the ring is it in your back pocket or your front pocket the ring is in my front pocket right so I sat down on the I sat down at the table

and she started bollocking us for sitting down and you've got to wait to be seated you can't just sit down I'm like I'm trying to hide

the ring from you so anyway the wife comes back and went nah you can't have that get in the cheap seats get in the cheap seats for a big day

like I've come this far on a beach in Thailand they're having a better time on their birthday not even a couple just two mates I was like you called her the wife

she's not the one you're about to propose to did I say the wife yeah like the wife comes back and I'm like no the wife was the one's not The one you're about to propose to Did I say the wife? Yeah The wife comes back And I'm like No the wife is the one

That sat across from you You daft cunt Proposed to the wrong one So We ended up getting seated Where I was sat And then And then

We were on about Which wine we want We got the wine list And Natalie's favourite wine Is Pinot Noir And Natalie's favourite wine is Pinot Noir and Natalie's favourite wine is from New Zealand

and the most expensive wine on the wine list is a Pinot Noir from New Zealand perfect that thing's fucking perfect let's get that she's like

have you seen the price it's like 5,000 baht it's like what 80 quid 100 quid or something expensive for wine especially when you're from Blythe not expensive for wine

when you're about to propose so you're not expensive for Wayne when you're about to propose so you're like I'll just pull out the stops so I'm fucking she ended up like going right down the list and getting buckfast

then the fucking bloke comes along pulls me a little sloth it's fucking tar bashing it a little swill of it I'm like

oh that's kind of strong I mean What the fuck's that noise So wait you didn't get the peanut butter Nah I couldn't I couldn't persuade her to get it I just wanted to scream in her face I would have proposed to you

There we are We're fucking Whatever it was Ripe peanut I'll have the ripe beaner. Ripe beaner with that, just a shot of fucking Baileys in it. It's cardlin'.

And then, so I taste the wine, and it tastes pretty rank, right, and then pour some for Natalie, pour some for me. Pour some for your homies. And then pour some for ODB.

ODB bastard. Oh baby, I like them raw. And then, and then Natalie Tasted the wine That's not a Pinot Noir So

They brought the wrong one Because we ordered A Pinot Noir From down the list Right The cheaper one But they brought like What's the one beginning with M

That's not a Merlot Malbec Malbec Brought a Malbec Right So Natalie noticed that Obviously didn't Because I tasted it

And just went Yeah sure That tastes Cheap Like she wanted I obviously didn't because I tasted it and just went yeah sure that tastes cheap makes you want it so I ordered the wrong wine still so did you send it back?

no because I fucking looked at the bottle and I that looks like wine I'll have one so I pours the wine and then

after I would finish my mains the like there was still people like loads of people around me and I know Natalie's

quite private she wouldn't like a public proposal she wouldn't like a public proposal she doesn't want anyone to know like she wants

people to tell people oh I'm engaged and they'll go to who and she's like oh I was out in Thailand oh just this guy? Geordie lad? What's he look like?

He's a comedian in that? Oh, Ross Noble. Good partner. Oh, sure, aye. You should listen to his podcast and watch any of his videos. I want you to hear why I'm in love with him, not see it.

So we're fucking having this lovely meal, and I just thought, like, we're all at dessert, even though we're quite full because we had starters. We've got share-a-platters but one each. Let's do what we're going to do for the rest of our lives.

Share things individually. I just wanted the ring to fit. You got it one size too big. You put it on the ring as well. You put it on the ring as too big You've got a funny story as well Like you put it on the ring It's too big And you just keep trying to slam Her hand in doors

So you get some swelling So it finally fits Ali what are you allergic to? Can you bring that bee over here please sir Funny story Oh yeah We've got the size of the ring Yeah

Measured your arsehole Now it fits on our wrist I can't have a wedding bracelet by accident I can't clip so the guy says have you got any photos

of her hands and you're like yeah I'm a pervert let us know what height she is I don't know Natalie's height Can't even go to ballpark She's probably about 5'6

5'4 Nah 5'6 And her breast size is probably like I'm going to guess 32 Double C's Can you hear a double C Aye

Gene you can get double C tits can't you you can get double C tits can't you? You can get double C tits can't you? No not you Personally Oh yeah Women can get them We're not trying to get you a fucking boob job Oh

Well she's got two Sorry I meant she's got two of them Day I think I meant she's got two C's Yeah It's not just one in the middle I think it's day Is it a D?

Maybe C? I should know this shouldn't I? Well I don't pay attention I'm always looking into her eyes I'm looking at her big brown eyes Never buy Not her big brown Never buy no bras

We have You've never bought bras no? I don't think so I don't think you can buy a girl I bought her underwear before That she's never worn What kind? Why did she not warn it?

Men's government claims, wasn't it? She gave it to me. Champion. No, I bought her these candy cane stockings for Christmas. Wait, made out of candy cane? No, like red and white stripes. When you say candy cane, I thought you meant like it was a fucking cast. Like red and white stripes.

It's just like a sugar. I was like, I'll put my brown sugar on that candy cane. Why is your sugar brown? Isn't it weird I'll put my brown sugar on that candy cane. Why is your sugar brown? Isn't it weird? Chase my brown sugar. Oh, right. I thought your jizz was the wrong colour.

I know. I'll put my white sugar in. So, right, we've got fucking two stories on here. We've paused the story of everything

going wrong for my setting up of the proposal. But buying the ring, the guy asked for some photos right but luckily I've got a bunch of photos of her

on my iPad because I made a little montage of photos of her to music for her birthday to I want to be

with you everywhere by Fleetwood Mac the photos change as it goes beautiful video so I've got all these photos of her

and then he looks at the picture of her next to the picture of me. So you're just showing him this romantic video you made your part. The pictures that I used to make the video? We didn't show him the video. No, no, just the ingredients. I'm so glad you weren't just there being like,

this next picture's good. This is about to kick in. I want to be your best friend. Ah! So I show him this picture I me and her next to each other and he goes she's about 5'8 and I'm like

sure I'm about 5'11 6 foot she looks like she's 5'8 she's about she's about 5'8 give or take an inch aye she does

she's wearing heels what's she fucking I'm just like yeah aye 5'8 she's like 5'4 5'5 I don't know she did tell us the other day I'm just like yeah hi 5'8 she's like 5'4 5'5

I don't know she did tell us the other day I'm forgetting already so gets a picture of her hand and he's trying to work out by the like shape of her hand

and the height like what size should be and I was like oh wait a minute I've got a photo of her hand next to my hand so you can measure my finger

and then like work out the proportion so the photo that I had with my hand next to her hand was when I first started going out with her and you called her fat. No, I called her fatly.

You called her fatly. And she's not fat. Fatly laying in Kai Plumfries. Yeah, the reason was because that was when you were Kai Plumfries. And also, she's not fat, but fat rhymes with nat. So I'm a comedian, two and two, make an insult. She'd barely met you at the time. Yeah.

And she was a little bit perturbed. She was after my man. She's jealous, guys. She's coming into my home, eating my bread. So me and her in the airport on the way to Amsterdam sent a selfie of us flipping through the bird both of us

with our middle fingers up and I had to show this really posh doula I like to really research which doula is going to be as well

got a really top class one in Adelaide and I had to show this fucking doula picture of me and her flipping the bird and I had these

two chaps that I didn't love so yeah that was funny and then you made the ring picture of me and her flipping the bird and I had these two chaps they're in love so yeah that was funny and then you made the ring no I made the ring you did I went in I put an apron on

leather apron I was filing I was bending I was hammering I was heating it up so how do you how do you like

what because you didn't make the whole ring there must have been one point they were like that's a triangle you da fuck well he gives a gold bullion like a gold bar thing

that was going to be the ring and he gives this white gold like little ingot thing that was going to be the the clasp that holds the diamond for the claws that holds the diamond and then

it was like the generation game where he made one and then he made me go so what we do, we flatten it using this machine. We wind it and then flatten it again. So instead of flattening it all at once, you do little twists. And then I think we put it through this bending machine. Is that the official name of it?

Yeah. The bending machine 3000. Way better than the bending machine We sawed a little bit off To fit it to size And filed it And then we're I can't even remember now

I've got the photos Fortunately you won't have to do it again That was the thing Why are you learning how to do it Is if it's going to become Like I'll need this for the future Next one I've got a

What do you call it Apprenticeship I've got a What's G levels G NVQ G NVQvels? GNVQ. GNVQ. What's G-Levels? GNVQ.

What's GNVQ? It's like when you do A-Levels. It's a GNVQ, not when you do it with a bit of an apprenticeship where you're doing hands-on labour as well as learning. What the fuck would I know about labour? Or learning. So you made the ring. I made the ring.

Big diamond. Did you pick the diamond? Yes. How? Made sure it was a blood one. So what happens is you're in a budget for what diamond you want

and then you'll get a selection of diamonds and there'll be a colour so muggly. It really is. I can't wait to hear

my muggle corners for this week. Oh shit, you wrote some? Aye. I know the dad jokes. Actually can't wait to hear my muggle corners for this week oh shit you wrote some aye and all the dad jokes actually I've made some notes

of muggle corners but I've got no dad jokes oh but we can pause and let you do some of the dad jokes so erm the diamond's got like three qualities to it

one's the size one's the colour and one's the clarity so if you go big and you're in the same budget you go bigger you're going to lose some of the clarity

or you're going to lose some of the colour so if I go in and go my budget's this and give them a low number but I want a carrot I'm going to end up with this fucking yellow scratch motherfucker so you've just got to have a bit of compromise if you go smaller it's going to be clearer

and whiter if you go bigger it's going to look a bit of compromise if you go smaller it's going to be clearer and whiter if you go bigger it's going to look a bit shitty yeah I got well I got half a carrot slightly

impaired which means you can see imperfections under a microscope but not just like her yeah visually impaired

slightly impaired you can see imperfections I'm slightly impaired fucking you should see the thickness of my conduct like it doesn't even matter just get a shot of glass

just give me anything I've got a pebble in my shoe just stick that on the ring sure I'll admit look how beautiful it is just plain as a bat I mean look at this right so

and I got it pretty much as white as you can get second whitest Because I was being ironic So you made the ring You're sat at the table Someone comes sat at the table

You've got your little Shave off Rolled in my pocket Ringing me on that This joke will never get old. Order dessert even though we're full because I'm waiting for people to leave. Yeah. Right.

Finish with dessert. We're both there. Which I have. I've got a button undone. I had coconut ice cream and she had sticky rice. Mango rice. Huh? Mango sticky rice. Mango rice. Mango sticky rice.

Yeah, that sounds about right, sure. So there we are, food all over our front. Got the wrong way. I'm waiting for the people to leave around here because they finished ages ago, but we stuffed our face. Challenge accepted, motherfuckers. It was man versus food. ages ago but we stuffed our faces we were like challenge accepted motherfuckers it was man versus food

so they're getting up to leave and just there Natalie fucking knocks over a glass of wine boom everywhere I'm like glad it's the cheap stuff

so she spills all the cheap wine at your second choice restaurant with her second choice bottle of restaurant with her second choice husband. So, I pick up the napkin to mop up the wine that she just spilled. She'll say, no, no, no, don't use that because they'll have to throw it out. Fucking napkin! It's for all purposes, mopping up spillages.

You put that there in case I spill anything. What was she hoping you did? Just suck it up off the table? Oh, just leave it there. I don't know, so I'm just there like, and I ended up like because she was working in what's it, not hospitality? You don't know your fiancée's job.

She worked in yeah waitress in the past and she was like all ruined like if it's just a little spillage and dab like some food off your mouth they'll put it through the wash

but every now and again that'll happen and it'll be ruined I'm just like oh I'm not gonna propose to you a fucking spillage on she was scared she was scared

I fucking mopped it up this whole time when she's like so she's she's said she didn't want to spend too much money on the massage on the upgrade of whole time when she's like so she's there said she didn't want to spend too much money on the massage

on the upgrade of the table now she's trying to save fucking ten pence half a bat on a napkin I'm like I wish she were there when I was buying the ring she's there

scrimping on everything and every second you're just falling more and more in love with her you're like this wedding's gonna be cheap as shit

I'm like my life is about to get economic and every second you're just falling more and more in love with her. You'll be like, this wedding's going to be cheap as shit. I'm like, my life is about to get economic. It is actually a good sign of things to come. I think she's willing to go for the cheapest, lowest grade shit. But the fact that we're in a five-star resort in Thailand, we're already getting as far as you could get to luxury. Yeah. To just leave the finesse touches out right at the very end

so I mops up and then I bought a diversion jewellery so when I got there, because I thought like I just bought her a really nice gift in an engagement ring but I couldn't give her that right away because I'm not just going to get off the flight, stink the BO and just like put that on your finger lucky cunt I think I. Look, you cunt.

I think I've called Natalie a cunt so many times, so many times on this podcast, that I'm not engaged anymore. I don't mean to be a wee, I really love you. That's him talking to me, Natalie. I didn't realise the mic was still on, actually. Oh, God, I thought I'd paused it.

So we could kiss. Gene! Sorry, for those of you who can't see the podcast, which is all of you. Except me. Gene just brought me another cider. I mean, I will drink it. What time is it? Because my watch is wrong

Who cares It's about half twelve I reckon Yeah On a Tuesday Wednesday Yeah On a Tuesday Wednesday

And we'll go for some lunch after this And then That's what we'll do We'll go for some lunch After we do a bit of catch up And then we can do the rest of the podcast After lunch Because it'll give you time

To write your dad jokes and stuff Oh cool I'm glad you told them that A little bit of admin You're the we can do the rest of the podcast after lunch because it'll give you time to write your dad jokes and stuff oh cool I'm glad you told them that a little bit of admin you're the one that was asking the fucking time I'm sorry you got bored

during your own fucking proposal story fucking yawning halfway through the most magical moment of your life allegedly oh am I nearly done so

I mopped up the wine alright wait if I've got to leave and then I give it an extra five minutes hoping that someone will come along

and clear up my dishes I didn't think dishes were a very good romantic setting but no one come and clear the dishes conversation dried up I've got nothing more to say to you

do you want to spend the rest of your life with me I bought a diversion gift I bought this necklace and bracelet it's so fucking really nice. A bracelet that was measured off the sides of your arse. And then the necklace and bracelet set

was so nice that she didn't believe that I'd picked them myself. Oh, really? She thought I'd enlisted Jimmy. She thought you were having an affair. I stole them from a one-night stand. Oh, so what an insult that is to Jimmy. Jimmy actually helped us pick the ring. Did he?

Yeah, showed us the materials. Showed us where the factory was. Clocked me in. Made you practice proposing on him now can't you do it one more time genuine tears in his eyes because he'll never have that moment so

that was a diversion you distracted her with other shiny things I had to come along and just go hey I got you a present because then it would be like I feel like even though you're not expected to buy a present

when you go on holiday with your partner, I've been away for fucking nine weeks. It's like a nice thing to do is bring her a gift. You've not seen her for ages and sex isn't going to make up for it so you've got to do something.

So I bought her a pearl necklace. It wasn't pearls. Do people wear pearl necklaces these days? I don't know why I'm looking at Gene. Do people wear pearl necklaces? I don't know. It's not a Gene. Do people wear pearl necklaces? I don't know. It's not a pearl necklace. It was a nice glass.

I think it was made of glass. Glass and metal. You actually did... I got it from a break. I said, you know what? I think it was a fan belt. You got one and you just stole it from Nick Cody and it just says Crusher on it.

It's a Crusher necklace. So I went, I've bought you another gift and then she went have you and then i got the box out my pocket and handed it away because another box was like oh my god wait you didn't get down on one knee no doesn't count i got't get down on one knee I got up on two tiptoes To kiss her I got up on the yellow pages

I'll have some mistletoe Wrong tradition I didn't get down on one knee You didn't get down on one knee I just think there's something like Well my marriage is like An equal relationship isn't it You're getting into a partnership

Not a fucking Oh please I didn't say get down on two knees. I wasn't saying you were groveling. Why do I have to crawl up to her, though? No, you don't start far away on one knee and then crawl to me. Have you been doing lunges?

I've got so quads. That's rest day. Fucking rest day. I'm not going to lunge on a rest day. Sounds like you skipped leg day on your fucking engagement. You just threw it across the table like you were splitting a bill. There you go, you mug.

So I put the box in my hand, just open it, and it looked like... So what did I say? I can't... None of us can remember what I said. None of us, both of you. Me, who?

I bet you now where she had to wait until all those people were there. Can I get a witness? Excuse me? Did I say something nice there? I did. Ah, good, Grant. Because I had the moral dilemma,

the intellectual dilemma, if I wouldn't say, would you marry me? Because I'm a Geordie, I would say, would you marry us? And you'd kind of be like, oh, would you marry us? Like, oh, yeah, man, would you marry me because i'm a geordie i would say would you marry us and you kind of be like oh what do you marry is like oh yeah man what do you marry is that way oh yeah man so i couldn't say would you marry me because i sound like i'm fucking doing elocution lessons and i couldn't say when you marry this because i sound like a chav so i was like go on then what

do you reckon? And then just stood up and showed her what you got. What do you reckon of this? Do you want to keep it forever? This dick? Do you want to keep putting this in and out of your mouth? Still deaf to his paws? Even some time after?

Dirty. He just said no. him after? It's dirty. It just said no. It just still technically hasn't said yes. She said she was joking when she said no. She didn't say the words yeah. I don't think you're engaged. You didn't get down on one knee. I think I've been robbed. She's just flown back to Scotland with jewellery.

A ring that you made a fucking necklace and a bracelet. She never said yes at any point. She bought me a pair of goggles. Is that in your eyes when I went swimming in the morning? I think I've been ripped off. So, you know, carrying that ring, right? Like, from the minute I get it, I think I've been ripped off So You know

Carrying that ring right Like from the minute I get it To going back to the Accommodation in Adelaide To going to the gig And leaving it in the apartment And just the constant worry Of it being in my possession

And not wanting to lose it And travelling with it Man I queued like a muggle For the flight Because I didn't want to have my bag Miles away from where I was Oh really Oh my god She's made you a muggle for the flight because I didn't want to have my bag miles away from where I was. Oh, really? Oh, my God.

She's made you a muggle. She fucking... Mate, I have been muggle every step of the way on this. There's no way to get married without being a muggle. Fuck it, yeah. It's a muggle institution. Fuck it, yeah. I can't believe you queued.

That was the first ever muggle corner. I put it in. But I wanted to be in my bag. Because I didn't want to lose the ring. Slip with one eye open. Ring keep it open. In a matchstick. So I carried that around

for three days. It was a couple of days before I travelled. You didn't just leave it in the hotel? Full travel day. hotel full travel day oh no sorry the travelling right so full travel day it's in the accommodation

so I'm like I'm fucking double checking the doors are locked as I leave fucking everything like constantly worried about this possession that I have

right and then when I hand it to her I was like thank god for that at least I don't have to carry that around for the rest of my life oh

oh that would be a treacherous existence. Oh, so... You know, do you want to hear something else, Mugly, that I did? Oh, of course. Ah, is that that? I, so obviously the...

Gene's going to cry What a fucking muggle Jean you would ball If you heard the letter Do you have the letter? Yeah because you had to email Do you have it? Where's my phone?

Hold on I'll go find your phone Because I've never understood I would never ever ask The permission Mainly because because I've never I would never ever ask the permission mainly because so my mum has got two sisters and both of my uncles went to my grandad and was like, main world mate

if you can give me your blessings, marry your daughter and my dad didn't and I was asking my dad why and he's like because it's not fucking up to him like I love this woman like I'm marrying your daughter, get fucking used to it or get fucked it's kind fucking up to him like i love this woman like i'm marrying your daughter get fucking used to it or get fucked it's kind of a formality though isn't it all right well yeah but she's not property it's like you can't be like look i i liked it last it's like you know

when i go to order a coffee right i'll say can i have an americano please i don't say give us that now yeah but if look if you've had the coffee for ages you know like like he he made the coffee like ages ago but he's not drinking it and he's let you hold the coffee for ages and you've been allowed to sip it for a while if he was there by the just the last sip you go oh can i finish this she's like yeah I don't want it anymore clearly well I felt because he's quite old school

he's traditional like it's I'm sure I'm sure he probably swears I love how you're sitting there being like trying to give me a hard time

saying oh it's tradition you fucking emailed the can't that's what they've done since the moment you probably put fucking emojis in it can I please marry your daughter crying face crying face

yeah because I wouldn't I wouldn't swear in front of Natalie's dad I don't know I'm sure he swears I don't know but I just feel like he's a old school gentleman. So I felt like he's got one daughter

and it would probably be nice for him to receive the letter asking for his daughter's hand in marriage. But you couldn't do a letter because your hand ran shit so you emailed him. So I sent him a Bebo. I put him in my top 16 friends

on MySpace. Are you getting comfortable? Oh, I cannot. You just had a stretch. Yeah, because I know about the letter because you told me about it and I obviously rinsed shit on our WhatsApp group about the whole thing,

but I've not heard the letter. Also, is this not, before we go into this, is this not a massive breach of private? Will Natalie be pissed off that you're about to read the letter? Yeah. to this? This is not a massive breach of private... Will Natalie be pissed off that you're about to read the letter? Yeah. Yeah, because this is a really private letter.

I'm just... Oh, just give me the... I'm just like... I'm sure that he doesn't listen to me podcast. Even if he does, he gets my sense of humour

and understands I'm really candid and frank about everything. No. But you're still not going to swear in front of him? Dear Bobby.

You couldn't even call him Robert. I was being matey. Alright, Bobby. See your door. He's it. To dad, question mark. Will you adopt me? Can I ask,

what was the subject title? What was the subject? FWD, cool on. You should write this.

Cool on. You should write this. From Jimmy McGee. And it's all on a quote level. It's purple on the quote level. Dear Bobby, greetings from Adelaide. I'm having a fantastic time here performing in the sunshine.

He didn't ask. You've just interrupted his day. I'm also going straight in with a lie. I'm having a fantastic time here performing in the sunshine at night in a room. Although I must say I am missing home. I don't even have a room. Although I must say I am missing home.

I don't even have a home! Honestly though, I mean every word of everything I say. Mm-hmm. This is such a bunch of privacy. It totally is.

You don't have to read it. Nobody's making you. I can hear them screaming at the podcast right now. I was going to read it. Oh yeah, that's fair. Greetings from Adelaide.

I'm having a fantastic time here performing in the sunshine. Although I must say I'm missing home. I hope all is very well back in Scotland. I'm writing to you today to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me. Oh, by the way, the subject was a question about a question. Oh, that's sweet. I'll give you that one. I'm writing you today to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me.

As you know, Natalie and I are flying to Thailand next week, and it feels like the perfect time and setting to ask her. I have chosen a beautiful diamond, which I know she will adore, and the jeweller is now waiting on my clearance to mount it and make her engagement ring. I'm ready to make a whistle. Natalie is the single most wonderful person that has ever walked into my life. Rude. I bet you knew I was never going to hear this.

I wonder if Bobby felt equally as dejected. Aww. Aww. I thought you liked me. Are you genuinely gutted? I'm pissed off. Natalie is the single most wonderful person to have ever walked into my life.

Daniel, you've ran into my life. You barged through that door. I gave you the money to pay for the fucking ring. She is the single most wonderful person. I mean, wonderful, yeah. Give me that one. To have ever walked in my life. We make each other so unbelievably happy.

Dread Ditto. I want... Tell me which one of these sentences you're talking about Natalie that doesn't apply to me. Okay, let's do this again. Dear Leslie. Greetings from Adelaide.

This is your mum. Dear Leslie, greetings from Adelaide this is to your mam hi dear Leslie greetings from Adelaide I'm having a fantastic time here performing in the sunshine although I must say I'm missing home

I hope all is well back in Scotland this is still to Leslie I'm writing to you today to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me weird

right yeah so it breaks at that point we make each other so unbelievably happy. I want us to commit to keeping this arrangement going

forever. Right, same. It would be an absolute honor to spend my days ensuring she has the best possible experience in all

of her endeavors and supporting her through everything that life may throw her away. Right, which is what we've done for the last eight

years. I have known for a long time now that Natalie is the woman I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. Alright, fair one,

not that one. The decision to wait until now has also been down to me finding myself on a new career path. The risks I have taken professionally are now paying off and giving me stability, security, and the direction that my businesses need to thrive. A great deal of this has come from Natalie's belief in me, which constantly drives me forward. All right, but then again, she also believes in star size. What does she do? She believes in the little

mermaid. I feel confident that offering her marriage would now be the offer of a true partnership. I'm very lucky that she appears to love and accept me regardless of however my career may have worked out, but I held out to offer her what she deserves rather than what she would accept.

If it helps with my sales pitch, I feel I could make excellent contributions to many a Christmas jigsaw puzzle. I couldn't think of a better possible future than joining such a wonderful family as yours. So, Mr. Ling, please may I have yours and Mrs. Ling's permission and blessing to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

I wait with eager anticipation for your response. Yours sincerely, Darren. Yours sincerely, Guy. Please, TB. Do you like that Gene? Was it a good message? What did he say? What did he reply?

He said no Just so Danny would laugh And then said he was joking But never really said yes He said It was great timing Because Celtic had just equalised Rangers had just equalized against Celtic.

He's a Rangers fan. And he was like, he was possibly buoyant because of the result. So if they'd lost, you would have been single. I think so. Oh, well. So I was thinking what I could have wrote. To whom it may concern to Sir or Madam I want to marry your daughter

and I know she'll say yes because I've seen her greet some unthinkable things I'll be honest with you mate this is the lowest thing she's created like yes sir I feel like I can unravel some of the

damage you have done and you can say there's no damage but she's been fucking me for seven years so clearly you did something wrong and I'm not phoning the police so how about we agree I know her like the back of my hand

when I push it down on the top of her head I know her like she knows the back of my hand Piers, could you tell me her name I feel like I've known her too long now to ask. I just know her as Sugar Plum from when we met at Spearmint Rhino. Well, congratulations.

Thanks. So, aye. I can't a dad's permission and his no everyone's just everyone's like I do what you want

free reign he has a case for the city I'm just on a roll he's got a gun and asking people fucking get out if you didn't ask shy bands

so now we're gonna to get married. Aye, well, I've done things too. What have you been up to? I went to a sex hotel. You took your eyes off us for two minutes. You went to a sex hotel? I went to that sex...

Is that where we are now? Aye. I thought that was the washing machine. I'm just charging up Gene's vibrator. The petrol generator on Gene's vibrator The petrol generator The petrol generator On Gene's dildo I can't tell if you're Shaking your head

Or you've got it in I do feel so bad for Gene Because we've had We went to a wedding A couple of weeks ago In Pirate Bay Which was absolutely You've been to two weddings

Since I've seen you Yeah I went to Cody's And thingy That's why I proposed Just so I could get a chance To see you a couple of weeks ago in Byron Bay, which was absolutely... You've been to two weddings since I've seen you. Yeah, I went to Cody's and... That's why I proposed you, so I got a chance to see you. Fucking way to get a wedding, that's why I didn't say that. It's the only place I'll show a face.

We've had a lovely, like, because we were in Byron Bay together, and then we were in Brisbane for a bit, and then I went off and did Tasmania, and we've been here for the past three days in this very small apartment where we awkwardly had to pretend to be a couple when we came in, because it was only meant meant to be booked for me and then she got the job at the festival

so to save her having to look for fucking expensive accommodation turned up the guys like it's a single bed we're like oh that's fine we have sex all the time well we'll have each other this is my boo single bed yeah well not a double yeah a single room a single room and i've been we've been dead nice to each other for the past three weeks And now you've turned up She's getting marked for the next month Way any better than the little ones I'd move on Right, shall we pause this, go get some lunch

And then come back Shall we celebrate? Alright, let's go celebrate Yeah, let's go get you a bit tiddly Right then Let's go get you a bit tiddly. Alright then. Let's go get you a wee tiddly. Everyone, wait there.

When I say muggins, you say cream. You have to say muggins. Cream. You fucking asshole. We're drunk no we aren't we went for lunch what did we get it was like some

fucking Greek ansato mojito what the kebab yeah I was like Greek mojito please he just put his chicken on a stick

we went out to the Greek center in Melbourne which is the venue that Gene is working in this festival there's a really good rooftop bar and then we ordered a cocktail for three and it came out in like a little

in fact a big fucking jam jar and then we poured that in and then we're like can we get another one of those and they clearly saw how fast we drank and brought out the largest martini glass it was a fucking super martini glass I felt like I'd shrunk

yeah and just put five straws in it even though there was only three of us because I reckon they were like god I hope these pricks

have some friends that are arriving because if they drink this all by themselves we might have a problem so Melbourne has started we're off the blocks

no I'm got a podcast to record as well we don't be too drunk for that no no i've got to remain fucking professional i do realize as well because obviously um this podcast is now done in fucking increments it's a longer one for those of you expecting us to be doing your dad jokes immediately it's not this is a special two-hour podcast because it's been so long since we've seen each other. It's been three months since we've seen each other so we allowed ourselves one extra hour. Because that's how much you

missed. And then we'll get back onto our regular scheduled thing. So wait, a little recap. What have we done? I've been betrothed to be wed. Yeah. I went to a sex hotel. Yeah, you didn't get too much into that. No, I can talk about it. It kind of comes up in Muggle Corner later on,

but we can talk about it now. Okay, I just say on Setlist. So I've been running, for the podcast listeners, I don't know, I've been running Setlist for the last three years, so I haven't had a chance to do a set on it. But Fred set it up so Mickey Day would host it and then Lindsay Webb would host it.

So Setlist is like improvised stand-up. You go on stage and there's a screen behind you and you're not allowed to do any of your own jokes they just give you a sort of topic title and you have to do a set on that as if it's been your set for several years so uh i had the setlist topic over nurturing dominatrix i was like you want to come back to mine i've got a sex swing i'll push on it I hadn't done it for years I was like it's the only time

I've ever seen I was really nervous before I did it any comedian regardless of how long they've been going when they do set lists there is always

just a little bit of nervous because you've got as a comic normally the reason I don't get nervous before I go on stage is because I know my jokes are good

I've done them enough times and that's not in an arrogant way I've seen these I've told these jokes a hundred times they've gone down well 98 of those times and as well when you get the hang of a good joke

as well you know how to recover it if it starts going sour so you know how to like you've got the punchlines to fall back on you know how to back like you know how to like repair it

if you realise how you've set it up wrong anyway so a set list you just saw the fear of the unknown but uh i went in like over cocky like uh lindsey webb caught this before you were he's like you went are you gonna smash it and i was like i mean i'm here anyway i might as well

he brought us i don't know how to create one it's like few when i come up i was like i'm glad that went well well, because when I was cocky at the beginning, I had no confidence. I had to do the Melbourne Gala last week, and it's going out soon, the Oxfam one. I was told to do my gay penguin material on it. I've done it on Conan. I didn't want to do it, but I was advised by my behind-the-scenes people.

They were like, you know, it's a good routine. Gay marriage isn't legal in Australia. It's is a story and it's a great joke when someone gonna explain to australians that all marriage is gay it's so gay like yeah that's the thing all marriage is gay like and that's not home i just mean in the sense that look yeah what you would invite all your friends around you wouldn't invite your girlfriend's dad around you want to watch you kiss her you grow up you want to really plan it you want to put so much effort in everyone dresses nice and smells good

I just want all my friends to come round and just so they can listen to me tell the person I love how much I love them all marriage is gay which is why it should be illegal across the world I was telling you in the elevator as well about Natalie saying no as a joke, about how I'm going to long play

that and then when they go, you may kiss the bride. Nah. The gala's great, but it's like a three-hour fucking recording and I'm on dead last. I'm headlining the gala, which is not what it is, but I am. It's just they put you in an order, everyone does four minutes each, but I was on last, therefore I headlined the gala which is not what it is but I am like it's just

they put you in an order everyone does four minutes each but I was on last therefore I headlined the gala so everyone else can suck a dick I headlined the fucking gala subordinate yeah

all my support acts were great but by that time the audience is very fucking tired but what's worse is I go on and I do the joke and it goes great

the audience were great and I was great but there were 20 comics on that bill. Nine of them had done stuff, obviously mentioned gay marriage and how it's illegal in this country, which is great.

And you were forced to do material about it. By the time I go on, I'm like, isn't it weird that gay marriage isn't legal? The audience is just at that point like, we know. We get it. What a surprise, a liberal comedian. Oh yeah. At that point point i think the best thing i could have come on and be like look do we trust them to get married we're not worried because people always say the thing about gay marriage is it is it the the way the bigots argue is it'll

ruin marriage uh for everyone else and you know what i'm inclined to agree because i've been to a gay wedding and it's way better than the straight ones I've been to. I went to Reece and Carmen's engagement party. They can't get married, so they could only have an engagement party. And that was better, or maybe not better than Nick Cody's one, but better than a lot of weddings I've been to. So shout out Nick Cody,

who done the Conor McGregor Billy walk. The Conor McGregor billionaire walk down the aisle. He sent us a video of that. I was like, fucking what a dude. Oh, loved it. So for those who have not listened to the podcast before, oh no, I was going to tell the sex... Sex dungeon.

Dungeon, yeah. So obviously you won't remember this because you've been in a relationship for seven years, but there's a thing called regular sex with other people where you can just have fun. We all agree sex is fun and you've decided it's only good with one person which is a weird concept today

but well done. I mean, I've suggested it to other people too. Whereas I like having sex She just wants another dude. Selfish. Greedy guts. Her pussy's bigger than her belly. Which is surprising Because all this funk's just been swallowing I mean if this is the only podcast

Your in-laws listen to Natalie stay engaged to me Please Natalie please stay engaged to him I don't want to back up with him for four hours Only like him in small doses Which is I guess why you fuck him alright Natalie please don't engage them I don't want to back up them with them for four hours only like them in small doses which is I guess

why you fuck them and about that dose you make them some antibiotics so there's a girl I met

she'll remain nameless even though she won't mind like she listens to the podcast I know she listens to the

podcast she's fine we're just friends with hi Barbara oh man can you imagine saying the name Barbara during sex

there's some names that you can't oh Barbara oh yeah Barbara can you imagine like being a chicken fucker and a guy called Dazza oh give it to me Daz

take off your bar Barbara bra bra bra bar Barbara take off your bra bra bra bra bra bra bra bra bra take off your bra bra bra bra man take off your bra bra bra bra man this podcast is such it's going to shit we shouldn't have went to lunch so look

here's my opinion on sex god it's good happy to be there no matter how many times I had sex always still thrilled I think it's the best thing in the world I'm always grateful

oh so thankful it's like you could be doing this with anyone lucky old me so I've never really had I've got stuff that I'm into but then if you're into anything

as long as it's not like like, too weird, I'll, like, I'll give it a go. Like, if you're into something, I'll, you know, I'll give it a bash. If you like getting bashed, I'll give you a bash. And this girl I hooked up with, she was into, like, the, you know, the sub-dom thing, which I didn't understand what that was. Sub is submissive. Dom is dominant. And it's, like, one of these, understand what that was. Sub is submissive. Dom is dominant. And it's like, one of you is like,

dominant when he's just submissive. And she was like, what do you want to be? And I was like, I've never, I got tied to a bed once and I nearly kicked the girl in the jaw because I was just,

I've got serious trust issues. Yeah, you're deluded. No, like, and it wasn't by anything big. I was just, if I get tied to a bed,

I'm like, I will, like, I've got stuff in my house. You're going to rob me. I didn't think I'd be comfortable doing the battering. You're not punchling. No, but you're like nipping in that bait. Nipping.

I had Chinese burn that. I give him a wedgie. Oh, your Chinese burn is on the podcast. I gave her a wet willy and then she gave me one. Say uncle. Say uncle. Say daddy. So, so,

there's, you can get, there's, I would be constantly asking if they're alright. Oh, so that's, I've always been bad at it. Like,

I've had girls, I've had girls be like, I want you to joke me. I'm like, my mother raised me too well. Like, I can't, I can't do it.

Like, and then they get pissed off when you can't, I can't do it. Like, and then they get pissed off when you get them in like a sleeper hold. Like apparently that's not safe. Come on, full Nelson. Been doing jits. But she wanted to go to this,

it's like an Airbnb, but for like perverts. So it's basically just. It's an Airbnb. And I had all the, and we go in there and like already the second we walk in there, there is a level of

kink that we're not comfortable with. We're like, oh look, there's a bit where you can tie your tent. That dildo's got a bayonet. That dildo's got another seven dildos attached to it. There was one time we walked in, there was a dildo on a... Oh no, it's a spider.

I forgot we're in Australia there was a a deltoid on a pneumatic drill what like one of them with two handles no no you're right that's not what I meant

that's awful no like I don't know what it is. It's just... Like a pump. Like a big one. Yeah. A big old one. And there was like ones where it was like clearly gas masks that you like fart into.

So immediately the second we were walking, we're like... Is that it? Yeah. Like some people are into being farted. Some people have smoked my farts. Natalie would die. I've got free chillies on me If you find anyone's wet They're going to have wet lips

I had a chronic investigation Oh yeah you got Irrigation Chronic interrogation Singing like a canary Where's the watch Cindy Oh yeah So why I just wanted Where's the watch? Cindy Oh yeah

So why? I just want to Wash On the insides I get washed on the outside All the time For three years I haven't washed my insides

But that's what your insides Do naturally Nah The opposite It feels like shit Yeah but then pushes out Naturally So what do they do?

Put a hose up your bum Well You do it yourself What So when did you go into the Shop Well it wasn't the shop It was just a dude's garden

I ruined his kid's birthday That's what you Your arsehole was like a dog Snapping at a sprinkler I remember I was still out from the night before I came out on the fence He was like a dog snapping at a sprinkler. I remember. I was still out from the night before. I came out on the fence. He was like, here's the clown.

Next thing you know, there's kids crying. There's a horse pipe bar in the neighborhood. Horse pipe bar means I'm not allowed there. So, I went in. So, this is like a new age one. So, bollocks. The old one is like a fucking, the woman stays with you the whole time and fucking, I went in. So this is like a new age one. So bollocks. The old one's like a fucking, the woman stays with you the whole time and fucking,

I mean, could be a bloke. Probably a woman. You know, I feel like it'd be a lot more comfortable about getting Clonac off of a bed. I don't know what to... I don't think at any point, I don't think generally... I know equality's in there,

but there's some jobs where you just think, I'd much rather a bed was there. I just want a bit Of bedside manner Yeah I also think That applies to women Like I don't think

It's like Normally you'd be like And women probably Want a man doing it And like Nah you probably don't Yeah Like you definitely

Don't want a guy Like if a woman mechanic Come to sort my car out I'd be like Oh she clearly Knows what she's doing Oh yeah To get where she is

in that business she must be the fucking best the same as if there's a doorman that's like 5 foot 6 you're just like he's hard as fuck because he's been

against the odds to get that job so but yeah in that situation where you need a little bit of any white Olympian

a woman's touch yeah a white man 100 metres you're like you have went the extra mile wow Jesus I mean you're like, you have went the extra mile. Oh, wow, Jesus.

I mean, you were probably on steds, actually. Also, if you went the extra mile during 100 metres, you missed a point. And he gets to the 9.6 seconds and he's still going. Greg! Greg! Greg!

Where are you going it's so cold Greg we need that part of the course for the triple jump that's fucking great I mean you won but you spoiled

the triple jump so Kalanick I mean you won but you spoiled the triple joint so Kalanick you go in right basically the way she put it was that up your bum sideways

she said it's like a toilet for it's like a five star toilet it's like that's fucking not it's like a toilet for like a pro like if you could design a toilet to be the best possible toilet it's like that's fucking not it's like a toilet for like a pro like if you could

design a toilet to be the best possible toilet it's this right so it's just water on your bum it's like a throne right

right and it's got like this toilet seat but you're like kind of sitting in an incline you're not like lying on your back and you're not

sitting up straight no but you're sitting in an incline and then there's like it's like how far an airplane chair goes back a bit further thanks for the noise a little like if you're allowed to reclaim it while it was taken off but they don't

let you do that no one on the other right so you can reclaim it while it's taken off it's about that right that reclaim and um you you put it up yourself you put this little pipe and it's tiny but it goes up your up your keister up your keister me too so she's like a little finger. But it goes up your... Up your quista. Up your quista, me too. So she's like, you've got to put that up your bum. And I'm like, is that it? Why am I spending all this money?

Have you not got anything bigger, please? If I cough, this is going to fall out. Put a funnel on it. You have the white end in my arsehole. Ain't that the one of them pumping ones from the dungeon So you climb on

And then She turns the gas on Out of the water Take gravity fed It's not a pump Right It's gravity fed And so it guns up your butt

Right And it's just water The water's flowing Gravity flow So it's not much at all It's just like a Kind of a slow right? And it's just water? The water's flowing, gravity flows, so it's not much at all. It's just like a kind of slow trickle, and it fills you up. And then you get this edge to... Spew? Out your bum.

Oh, poo. Poo. For any doctors listening. Bum spew. But then you're a little bit like, oh, should I let go? Should I not? Should I keep on? You're like beer bonging. You oh shall I go shall I not shall I keep on you're like beer

you're beer bonging yeah bonging your ass and then your ass just spews like proper whiteys like yeah everything comes out

there all the poo the first the first wedding ring you bought Natalie that you lost well there's a condom full of backy a condom full of backy.

A condom full of backy? You don't need to smuggle backy. You've only allowed 50 cigarettes in Australia. To smuggle an extra two packs of... Oh, there's two packs. So, we had is, like, so it pumps the water up your arse, but the shit comes out around it.

How's that weird? I don't know. I thought it would be, like, one tube in, one tube out. Well, there's two tubes in. No, there's one tube in. Right, so how logically could the shit go in there

if one's going up your arse? The rest, like, because it goes around the tube. You, like, shit around it. Yeah. Because that's up. Yeah. I just thought, like, I thought it would around the tube you like shit around it yeah because that's up yeah I just thought like

it'd block I thought it'd block the shit from coming out I thought it was just going to fill us up but like oh it's going to come up

my eyes and ears so you just start like shitting it out and you can like you can kind of clench on it and keep it for a bit but you start feeling

a bit full and you have to let go and you just feel bloated it's weird you feel a bit bloated and you can like push your tummy in that

and then you just lie there for about 45 minutes to an let go and you just feel bloated it's weird you feel a bit bloated and you can like push your tummy in that and then you just lie there for about 45 minutes to an hour 45 minutes you just lie there just get inside it's just washed out and you can't

so wait are you just like shitting down like all your crack and it's like it's into a toilet so you're like you're kind of lowered

into a reclaimed toilet so it doesn't go anywhere so you just shit before you put like a little blanket over your knees and you put like a little bean bag on your tummy a little heated bean bag one of the night where it's she strokes your brow that's how you feel then she leaves the room she put some fucking candles

on and then he took the candle out actually it would have been a nightmare if i said fire the joint i did because i would be trying to be water i mean because and you were the you would be the only thing that could put it out. Just fucking fire and whammy ass. So you can look down on the floor. There's the paper and you can have a look. It's up to you. I guess it's not everyone's cup of tea. Have a look.

But you obviously did. When I was taking videos. Snapchat next to me, man. I'm just watching how the fucking float let's go bits of lego five pen piece there's a knife

I was wondering where my shoelace went your pacemaker or not it's gone too deep my lung my tooth my mouth my mouth tooth and my mouth

my mouth's bleeding my mouth's bleeding after such a tooth float by in the pipe a rabbit's foot the rest of the rabbit so right so fucking 20 minutes have gone by

right now watching Ali's actually look like rabbit dottles this is like little dottles of poo what do you mean dottles

dottles like a little rabbit dottle like a little bean poo little coffee bean like a little rabbit poo

who calls them dottles this nigga leaving it in and then it just starts going clear and clear and clear and i'm just like watching clear water and i'm just like well that's the end of that this is what like all i'm doing now is just like flushing water through us but like it's not even dirty water.

How far up is this? It's normal. I don't know. It's like three centimetres or something, not even much. Yeah, but how far is the water

going up? Like all the way? It's just like trickling up so like your intestines are what, like a foot long or something? Six inches?

I thought your intestines were like a mile long, isn't that the... It's not your intestine though, is it? What did I just say there? Colon,

you're talking about your colon, yeah, it's a colon. So I was just like, like oh so I'm done then and thought I was just wasting time for 20 minutes and then all of a sudden

I started like feeling a bit of a rumble and then fucking this portal from hell just opened and all these demons started flooding through the tube

and I'm just watching fucking Beelzebub just fucking swimming around a couple of ringwraiths a fucking sormon I think oh fuck oops

dark matter and that's when I felt like I'd get my money's worth because I was like I've been carrying that around that black that black fucking mist but is that not meant to be

like I'll have to ask my dad but I really feel like colonoscopies are pseudoscience well they call it hydrotherapy it really hydrates you

apparently well that's the thing if they ever name something very sciencey chances are it's not fucking sciencey

but em you know what I didn't feel too different after it I didn't feel em better or worse it took us three days

before I had a poo and they didn't tell us that worse. It took us three days before I had a poo. What, really? They didn't tell us that was going to be a meteor. Came outside late. Like, this guy's got artillery. Bring your best men. So they come to war. So I, three days, three three days well got into the joint

I've never called it the joint before how long were you in there for 45 minutes it was a stretch I'm just kidding it was only two inches wide it wasn't a stretch at all

but that is so I did a couple of little things a couple of bits and bobs I got me I got me keystab douched But that is, so I did a couple of little things. A couple of bits and bobs. I got me, I got me key stab douched. I got a manzillion.

A brozillion. A what? Bro wax. Bro piss? No. Back sack and crack, except not me back, because it's baldy in it. No. I got me ass crack waxed.

How was it? The fucking most painful thing that's ever happened. No. I got tattoos. They were a piece of piss compared to getting a wax. Like, so is it, I mean,

that's not. So right, they're putting the wax on like, because there was no fucking about either, right? So I went in with this massive fucking ginger bush, right?

Proper undergrowth. Honestly, it was fucking fauna. It was a habitat, man. I went in, I had my fucking planning permission.

And shit, because genuinely, right, I had this little concern, right, because I'd been away from my girlfriend for nine weeks or eight weeks because it was a week

before I went on holiday. I thought, like, human contact would just make us fucking just get rock hard. I was worried about getting a bone at you in me wax

turns out that's not what I'm into it turns out being fucking tortured it's not it's like genuine torture so you're not a sub so she's just chatting away

like oh what are you doing in Australia oh are you a comedian tell us a joke fucking tough gig just chatting away fucking no oh this is gonna sting

a little bit just whack right and just fucking me eyes just coming on stalks I was like I was like oh yeah

bit of bedside manner you've been taking fucking hundreds of years of repression out of me you've been taking feminism out of me I'm one dude I'm actually doing my best

doing my best for the cause and fight the good fight I'm an ally I'm on your side what do you think I'm an ally. I'm on your side. What do you think I'm doing here? Solidarity. So,

just to mention away, I got to a point where I realised the only way I could stop from being really tortured is laughing. So every time she ripped a strip off, I was like, I just thought the whole name laughing like a fucking evil genius you must have come over

as a proper psycho like I bet she was at that point being like this fucking prick can't afford the brothel it's ticklish oh man

like because I because you and I are both people that well pre this we shave our buttholes yes each other's sometimes aye because I'm a big fan it's just how easy it is to wipe afterwards that's why I went in well pre this we shave our buttholes yes each others sometimes

alright because I'm a big fan it's just how easy it is to wipe afterwards that's why I went in to get it waxed because I hate shaving it like one leg over your head

you don't want to be flying the wall of my house when I'm shaving my arsehole like don't want to be flying the wall of my soap flying my soap flying the wall

on my soap yeah there's no graceful way to shave your arsehole you just kind of got to squat I definitely recommend it

because someone was like oh every one of them hairs is going to come back and torture you with a vengeance

and like nah not as bad as when you shave it how long does it last it's still

pretty good now can I say they give you some ingrow hair cream yeah it's just coming back like

that that's like two weeks ago got me dicked up by the way from this podcast I just showed him my crab ladder

so what's weird right is that she puts the wax on your pubic bone region yeah not your bones

pubis and it's fine the wax is hot but just like a nice warm bath right puts it not your balls. Your pubis. And it's fine. The wax is hot. But just like a nice warm bath. Right? Puts it on your balls. It is like you've been fucking branded by your fucking iron.

I feel like cattle. Like the wax on your ball flesh is a million times hotter than the temperature of the sun. I was like, what are you doing there waxing as a fortune of sword? It's obviously my dad always calls it the the monkey point which is like so I had a jacuzzi in my house growing up because my dad's mate

was throwing out a jacuzzi and my dad was like I'll wash it and build it just free jacuzzi by my dad's logic so installs this whole fucking free jacuzzi by himself so when growing up it just free jacuzzi by my dad's logic so installs this whole fucking free jacuzzi by himself so when growing up we had a jacuzzi

in the fucking house and I always remember the earliest jokes I remember my dad telling me is always the monkey point as a man is when you get into the jacuzzi and you go legs

ankles like knees thighs and then just like you sort of hold your balls up just to you get your bum in first

and then it's just the he done heard the joke no two monkeys in a bath just the like you sort of hold your balls up just to you get your bum in first and then it's just the ooh ha ha ha ha have you not heard the joke no two monkeys in a bath oh yeah two monkeys in a bath

one monkey goes ooh ooh ooh ha ha ha ha and the other one goes well put some cold in no well the other one is Bill and Ben

in a jacuzzi and Bill says flub dub dub dub and Ben goes was that you ha ha ha oh no and Bill says flub dub dub dub and Ben goes was that you? I don't think I'd be willing to

I've had my legs waxed and like only one bit of my legs waxed once just as a fucking dare and that was pretty barbaric yeah there was like a point where I was like

I felt like I'd been in there a little while and I looked and there was still quite a lot to go just going out with the fucking hedge trimmers first. Oh, part of it was just wanting to go.

And you know what? Just, that's Callie Stevens. You win. But I kept going. What was the crack like? The crack was a fucking breeze compared with the balls. Is that because you were farting? That was on draft.

Now the crack was fine that was just like done in and out bish bosh bosh job done why is she going in and out that's not ok if she went in and out

in your crack I think you'll owe her more money I've got a back second crack with that at the ending by the time I got some luck I don't know whether I'm coming or going I'm coming

I'm definitely coming you're blowing hot hot hot hot you're blowing hot hot hot in the cold You're blowing hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. You're blowing hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. In the cold. So, all right, what did I get done? So, you've come back to chase.

So, I got my ass douched. I got my balls waxed. I was going to put it in my cell, the douche thing. Because I got the wax first. And when I had to put the thing in myself I was like you're all missing out

on your new wax silly nurse don't know what you're missing smooth as a baby's bum they must get it done too so so I got a I got a Thai candle That's definitely pseudoscience bollocks

I think so but Explain to listeners what a Thai candle is So I'll tell you the coincidence It's like a candle with a small wick A candle with a a small wick. A canter with a really small wick. So I've got a tiny candle.

Well, they've got this, like, it's like a tube with a hollow candle on it, so when it burns, it draws the heat up, so it sucks, like, anything candle on it, so when it burns, it draws the heat up, so it sucks anything out of it yet, so it's used to dry.

So then they unroll it and show you all the wax on the inside, so if it is a myth that it doesn't work, that means they must put some discoloured wax in there. One of the things, I've got the book over there, there's a book called Bad Science and they talk about those candles which is

the way you do the test is do that thing in your ear but then also just put that candle on a table light it and the same colour comes out

the same colour at the bottom so did you pay for it? so I paid like 300 bucks is that like five or six so I got it done

because I went and I walked down the pool and this is something before me ear pops but then it doesn't

unpop again and then like I'm trying to like get in with the cotton bud and I know that's bad because you're like pushing the wax

down into your ear canal but it's like bringing up quite a bit of wax but then I went and got it done and they didn't just do the canal

but like massage right around your ear and fucking get right in there and like do some shit and then they cleaned out the cotton bud as well without pushing down and uh i walked away and i was like oh my ears still it's been like three days and i'd been deaf in one ear and then that night i was having a meal and then all of a sudden it just kind of

cleared and i could hear the waves of the ocean like that one on the shore and it was just like fucking breeze it was just like oh that's amazing have you ever had i've had my ears professionally cleaned like when you have to fucking do the weird thing you have to put the oil in your ear and you have to lie there for like five minutes a day both sides and then she just sort of like scooshes the water in it and you're like really bad at earwax and then honestly i remember when she first did it the first year she showed me the cup and i was properly with this i imagine the consistency and color of what came out of my ears was the same as what came out in your fucking colonoscopy. Oh, really?

Oh, it was horrible. Like, you don't realise how much is in there. But then on the way home... Coincidence is the same water. She used a septic tank from my gap. But I swear to God, like, afterwards, my hair was so... Honestly, I could hear her thoughts like I've never had

I wish I had a better job who's this pock mug yeah because I wanted to get that because I've had like problems with that before when we yes

I tried to get it done when I was in Adelaide but I didn't reply to my emails took one look at me and went got any lobes I've got no ear lobes

to the listeners I don't know which I've always told you about and you've denied but you genuinely do not no I've not denied I've said it's evolution it's not evolution

what's the point of any ear lobes well I couldn't get them pierced you really couldn't you'd have to get the side of your face I mean you could get

the side of your face pierced look at your fucking Frankenstein just two pegs out of the side So I got my teeth scaling polished as well You got the scales taken off them? I got to do scales What does a scale mean?

I don't know They just fucking spray it with something Or buzz it with something I never know what they're doing I can't see I try to look but my eyes just It's hard to get a good gauge. So I had a full makeover.

Went to the gym. I mean, you really, like, you offered a proposal. Like, how little self-confidence do you have that you were like, I need to become an entirely different person? Well, it's like what I said to my dad. I don't want to give her what she'd accepts, I want to give her what she deserves.

Is this the way you invited me? Sorry I couldn't come Natalie, baby, miss you. So, I don't know, I just wanted to make myself totally no proof. That's not what it was. It was literally a conversation I had

with Milo McCabe when he says why didn't you propose and I was like because I feel like I'm in bad condition and financially and physically

so I just want to get in good condition I think it's did Milo check your chakra I think it's yeah he put it on his vision board

and it worked oh that was something I read I can't wait like when we inevitably and we will absolutely whenever he's available and nearby we'll have Milo He put it on his vision board and it worked. Oh, that was something I read. I can't wait. Like, when we inevitably, and we will absolutely whenever he's available and nearby, we'll have Milo on the podcast. Because he has got a lot of defending himself to do. Yeah, he does, doesn't he?

He really does. All his hocus pocus bullshit. Oh. So talk about, I was telling you I was reading a bit about the Romans. You're already a little bit gend up on the Romans. And oh, it's such a good book, right? It's such like fucking pirates and war and fucking

what's the book it's Veni Veni Veni Vici I Came I Saw You Conquer I Came I Saw You Conquer so it's all just like

fucking some real Veni Vici Veni Game of I Came I Saw You Conquer I Came I Saw You Conquer I Came I Saw You Conquer do you reckon that's what they shouted out

during the day like you know when a girl starts like it's still blowing you after you've come and you're just like oh Benny Benny Benny

bitchy what's it I saw Benny I came Benny's I came so wait it's all fucking great

and pirates and war and everything's gladiators it's so fascinating and then the 400s, Christianity. But Constantine won a lot of his battles and he prayed to the Christian God.

So everyone just assumed because he was winning that the gods favoured him. And it's like, that's how Christianity got reinforced is because Constantine was winning. Now, what if Usain Bolt prayed to Aslan and then won all of his races and got a new world record

every time he ran and he was like oh well Narnia must be real yeah gotcha it's gotta be fully believable and then they start

doing tax relief on Christians in Rome and I'm just like of course people are gonna subscribe to it if they said to me if you believe in Narnia

there's gonna be a tax relief I would be on fucking my hands and knees praying to Prince Caspian every fucking day you get two weeks off at the same time

as all of your friends around about Christmas like oh that's my religion sold I'll hail the lion the witch and the wardrobe I'd have a wardrobe in every room man every time I pray I face the wardrobe I come out of the wardrobe.

Right, shall we go on to the game that we've not played together for ages? Muggle Watch. No, Kiss. I thought you said we haven't played for ages. What do you think the lunch break was? So for those first-time listeners, you've picked a good one in fact if you're a long time listener and you need to get your friends onto this podcast this is arguably a good one

to get them onto this is us you know catching up we've not seen each other in a couple of months if they take that getting back together

I'm Robbie I just mean to fuck him oh man I did feed Robbie Muggle Corner is a game we play basically Muggle is a term I just mean to fuck him. Oh, man, I didn't mean, mommy. Muggle Corner is a game we play. Basically, muggle is a term, obviously, from the Harry Potter world to describe non-magic people, but it's a term that we've adopted to describe also non-magic people.

Yeah, so if you watched The Fantastic Beasts of Moriarty, what's it called? The Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. And Where to Find Them. We are no-magic. No-magic. And it's basically, well, look, we're all guilty of muggle things,

but muggles are people who are just very simple and plain. They're not bad people. They're not evil. There's no maliciousness to them, but there's also no creativity or individuality to them. It's slipping into the systems

that are in place that everyone can survive on and everyone can live on, but everyone is going to be born. Also, just before we do get into the first that are in place that everyone can survive on and everyone can live on but everyone is going to be born. Also, just before we do get into the first Muggle... Sorry. Every week we nominate three things that we think belong in Muggle Corner.

If you are guilty of any of these Muggle things, it does not make you a Muggle, but you just have to admit that you are guilty of these Muggle habits. And if you are guilty of them, acknowledge it and then go stand in the corner for 30 seconds doesn't mean you're a full time muggle but it does mean you are a bit of a muggle

just before we do go into this I just want to do one shout out I was telling you earlier when I was out in New York doing the gigs out there which were fucking great thanks to everyone that came I never realised how far this podcast reaches like I always think I know we've got Australian listeners and I know we've got Scottish listeners thanks to the people in Perth and Adelaide that come to my show off this podcast reaches like I always think it's like I know we've got Australian listeners and I know we've got Scottish listeners

thanks to the people in Perth and Adelaide that come to my show off this podcast blows my mind I walked into these festivals with no promotion no

no publicity no anything right and I was like god I've got no idea where people are going to come from to come to this show and I've done a few

gigs about town walking around gigs and give out flyers to get people in from them but the amount of people that come up after the gig

that listen to the podcast I had no idea it's it's so yeah if you do come to our shows do tell us because for us it's we love doing this podcast anyway but to know how far it travels really does blow our mind because these are such a such silent listeners as well as i'm enjoying it but we don't realize yeah we're just putting releasing into the void yeah we know we get about 1500 an episode which we're very good but we only hear from. We're just releasing it into the void. We know we get about 1500 an episode which we're very good but we only hear from about 7 ever online. I want to say a massive thank you to everybody that

went on my website and bought my show. Thank you very much. And for me I just want to give a big shout out to the two Jonathans who when I was in New York this lovely gay couple who are both called Jonathan which obviously is something I've never considered because I'm heterosexual. That's one of the dangers of being

gay is that you could fall in love with someone who's got your own name so you can just be narcissistic while you're fucking someone shouting out your own name. Narcissist? Is that the gladiator who killed Commodus? No. It is? No, Narcissist was a Greek demigod who pissed

off the gods and his punishment was that he was going who fell in love he pissed off the gods and his punishment was that he was going to fall in love with the next person he saw and then he went to wash his face by the river saw his own reflection and then the river fell in love with himself and starved to death there that's where Narcissus comes from Narcissus is also the gladiator that killed

well it will have come from Greek mythology originally we do learn each other's culture the two Jonathans came to the show in New York and I was genuinely not expecting

anyone in New York to have heard of the fucking podcast let alone understand your accent that's what I was talking about I was like you're proper New Yorkers

and you understand Kai's accent they're like yeah like 90% of the time not the Amsterdam oh yeah and then therefore not this one but just a big shout out to the two jonathans uh thank you for another thing about uh that you don't consider about being homosexual is that you could end up

with someone that looks a bit like you like uh our friend craig craig hill specifically goes for people that look like him because he's like well why wouldn't that because if i didn't find that attractive i wouldn't look that way i wouldn. I wouldn't dress and do my hair. He dresses the way he finds attractive, and that's obviously what finds attractive. So he finds, you know, bald, kilt-wearing, attractive. So my first suggestion for Muggle Corner, and this is going to put you in there. Muggles sing happy birthday in restaurants, like in public places.

I did that the other day. Oh, did you? Yeah, it was Dan Willis' birthday and he's the guy who brought us out to Australia and runs the gigs. And it's his birthday and we bought him some nice little gifts and wrapped them up

and he went to bed before us and we put them wrapped up on the mantelpiece. Oh, God. How happy would he be when he got up? Mate, I'm fully into birthdays. And again, I have sung happy birthday in public to people i've organized it for people i love organizing people's birthdays and i also am that level of vain that i love when people sing it to me in public so i'm fully in the corner for this but there is just something about forcing your celebration on every other strangers so we've done it in the gig, right? And this is such a funny Dan trait, right?

So Dan has got this, like, unflappable, when sometimes he should be flapped, approach to hosting. So he'll be telling a story and something could happen big in the room and he'll just smash over it and carry on saying what he's going to say, right? And me and Kerry have always laughed at that,

that he's just not acknowledged something and just ploughed through to finish his story or get the pointrie have always laughed at that that he's just not acknowledged something and just plowed through to get like finish his story i'll get the point he's like having conversation too yeah um and then he's always going to get to the point yeah so there's times when like we've been cracking jokes and instead of like joining in on the jokes and coming back to the point he'll wait do you wait wait until we finish laughing and then carry on and he's like it's stoic resilience to any deviation to be fair that is the way we should do this podcast

because the amount of starts and then non finishes we have do it I feel like we've bookmarked it well but maybe I've no no I think

we do it quite well but I know it pisses off my mother on any podcast I'm on because anytime I do this podcast or the Fofop with Will Anderson

we go off in a thousand different veins in different directions and my mum she's like, you didn't finish any of the stories. I'm like, yeah, but we laughed the whole time.

Isn't that what you want? I was listening to Chris Martin and Carl Donnelly's podcast with Nick Cody. We'd done a live one, but something to do with the sound quality and there was a heck lot in the room and because it was live,

it was a bit dodgy, so they didn't put it up. But Chris Martin went on. Kai told this great joke. It was about the thing and then ended up segwaying away from it and never got back to the joke I couldn't remember

what the joke was I was like what was the joke what's the line I said so to save that happening Dan Willis is on stage this is how we get back

to O Point Dan Willis is on stage and we wait for him to finish a bit right before we go on with the cake with the candles lit

right but he immediately segways into another bit as we're coming on so we kind of interrupt the cake, with the candles lit, right? But he immediately segues into another bit as we're coming on. So we kind of interrupt at the very start, but he hasn't got enough. We're going, sing happy birthday to him. We've got this fucking nice cake.

And everyone joins in. Everyone gets what's happening and enjoys it, right? And then we'll walk off to the other side of the stage. And we're just here, Dan, just go, bleh, straight back into the party. And we're like, no. No, he didn't I did the same thing

it never even happened I did the same thing with Cody in Auckland last year we were out in Auckland together for the next birthday and we got

maggot drunk during the day for those non-Australian listeners maggot is an Australian term for like utterly

blitz drunk trollied we went out to a lovely restaurant we went like to a vineyard and me and Cody are fucking shit faced I do my gig

and it's still a great gig because as you know when you walk on stage something in you as a comic just kicks in and you just go professional and you get through it

hopefully it happens tonight fingers crossed and I go downstairs for Cody's gig after mine and I bring four shots downstairs and I just wait like a good comedian until he's finished after mine and i bring four shots downstairs and i just

wait like a good comedian until he's finished a joke and then just at the back i go happy birthday to you and i walk on stage with four shawnesses like oh guys this is my birthday i make the audience in the song he's like so nice that slaw has brought two shots for each of us and i was like nah i can't they're all for you they all for you. I just made him do four shots and then didn't even watch the rest of the gig. Just went back up to the bar. You didn't even watch how it affected him. No.

You're like, walking away, explosions in the background. He came off stage happy, but I don't know if it was valid. But this thing, like, it is a genuinely lovely thing to do. Like that, like, it like that this is weird about when they're on stage right

the thing about singing happy birthday is making it about them but you know when someone's on stage it's already about them I mean that elevated little amplified everyone's face in the moment you want more than you need right now can you do that the audience should be grateful for the fact that I gave them a chance to talk for the first time

I've got the drunk hiccups The audience should be grateful for the fact that I gave them a chance to talk for the first time. I've got the drunk hiccups. I think this is a perfect example of what Muggle Corner is. There's nothing malicious about this thing. It's not shitty. It comes from a fucking good place. But you're only aware of it when you're not in the Muggle circle. You know when you're sat there and you're just there with mates. And then these table of Muggles behind you start fucking

singing it and you're like why do I care about this why do I care about this random fucking stranger so it's not spiteful or mean but it is just muggly that's all it is yes agreed I think that's it and you're in the corner for 30 seconds because you have not

only sung happy birthday publicly you've sung happy birthday for 30 seconds because you have not only sung Happy Birthday publicly, you've sung Happy Birthday to me publicly when it's not my fucking birthday. When we were out in Vegas. My favourite? Oh. One of your own. They come on with like,

like it was Brett who arranged it. Yeah, oh so Brett Vincent, who I know listens to this, get in the fucking corner, you bag of shit. Yeah, but smoke while you're in there.

When we were in vegas brett kai martine uh and uh barry casanova we gotta get him on the podcast soon uh all you need to say that sentence again because they definitely don't understand it natalie when i do my speech at the window i want to go first off i want to point out the elephant in the room. Barry, thanks for coming. I just got ready to do the podcast. I don't know.

Barry is... Barry Casanova, who's just run a half marathon in like some two hours. Barry is a very, very healthy man. An absolute machine when it comes to drinking. One of the funniest people in the family. But he's quite robust.

He's just a fucking stocky dude. But he's like... He'd be stocky if he was in a prisoner of war camp but he's the size of it it's not fat it's like he's like a rugby player type build yeah like it's just there's there's there's a bit of flab in the same way that i've got a bit just robust he's just a robust dude but because he's the most robust in our little group, that means he's the fat one. Oh man, you're so bad. Because the reason it's funny is obviously to bully him, we're not bullying him

about being fat, we're bullying the fact that it's funny because he's not and we're just attributing this attribute to him that's not true in any way. This is something I wanted to bring up actually about body shaming and stuff. Since I've started getting into good shape, I have been victim of way more body shaming

than I've ever been in for being out of shape. People will just make flippant remarks. I've been called skinny about four times. Every time I'm walking around at welterweight, I'm bench pressing 36 kilos. Skinny is also body shaming. Yeah. Yeah.

Because it's such a negative way of doing it. It's like you're skinny. I'm like, I ain't skinny. But it's like, what's funny about the body shaming here is they're projecting their own insecurities. They see me in good shape, so they feel the need to put me down. That's what body shaming is. They don't like the fact that you're confident in the way you look. That's what all body shaming is they don't like the fact that you're confident in the way you look that's what all body shaming is is like see if you see someone who is uh and i think the correct term to use is fat

instead of overweight because overweight suggests there's a better way to be or whatever so i think fat is the correct term to use which is very weird because you know it's the one it's um if you're body shaming you don't like the fact that that fat person is confident and happy and what not you're trying to bring them down a peg or two

yeah I feel like I've had a couple of people I've just been minding my own business as well but I feel like a couple of people are trying to bring us

down a peg or two with the skinny shit like I could bench press your husband get him to stop fucking me otherwise I'll have

to push him off me it's not like I am not ashamed shame away no you can't shame this what's your first one

so this one is I'm exempting a lot of people here because there's a huge caveat to this one it's the comedians only there's some

mugglery within our ranks oh by the way we'll only do two each, because even though it's a two-hour podcast, we're still overrunning. If there's any comedians listening, which would be weird, because they're not on it.

Jelly. But, uh, comedians who aren't famous changing their Facebook names. Oh, my lord. What the fuck are they doing? Who the fuck? they doing? Oh, like, who the fuck?

So, so for the, yeah, explain to the non-coms. So what happens, right, is you get a comedian like,

say, Chris Ramsey, who has had a bunch of fucking TV spots, all of a sudden he's getting added off everyone on the fucking granny. So he changes his name

to Chris Rams, K-R-I-S-R-M-S. So people can't find him so you're down as Daniel Jamie hyphen sluss you've put in your middle name because you're doing McIntyre's Roadshow everyone's trying to add you you create one so that you can just keep and I still get found regularly I just I don't

I'll read the messages but I'll just not accept the friend requests that's it so I hit the fucking 5000 mark which is as many friends as you can get it's kind of like ruined my Facebook a little bit but it's my choice to click accept on the friend request

and as well if you don't click accept they'll follow you anyway so if you want followers you can click no so that your fucking news feed is just the people that you've accepted like if you want if you want followers you can click no so that your fucking news feed is just the people that you've accepted so if you don't like if you look at

Joe Heenan right like so Joe Heenan has got like whatever like fucking 900 friends or 1000 friends or something but then his followers

is like 10,000 because he's clearly been clicked and rejected anyone that he doesn't know Adam as a friend but they still get to see the wind into his life so he's done that

instead of changing himself to jiggle bops heena bops like every comedian I know now they just changed like Josh Pugh

who's a fucking great lad like a great comedian fucking on a fucking good trajectory is on Facebook as Jay Puggle

and I'm like you're not even at the point where people are googling you but it's most of the time to tag them in photos is impossible to try and find them

to send a message to them you've got to fucking decode like so there's a valid one Joe Lysip Joe Lysip em

great fucking comic I tried to message him the other day but he changed his name in like three hours I was just like how do I fucking

find you I mean Joe Joe's got a valid excuse he's agile famous but then Joe Dama who's

arguably more famous is still just oh no he's not actually another thing about it yeah there's a certain level but man there's so many

there's so many non-famous comedians that have jumped the gun yeah that have totally jumped the gun and changed their name you should make yours

Kai it's the blue tick of Facebook it's the because you can get it that have jumped the gun. Yeah. That have totally jumped the gun and changed their name. You should make yours Kai Humphries. It's the blue tick of Facebook. It's the... Because you can get it, you can apply for a blue tick. I could have got a blue tick a while ago because I had a fucking good reason.

There was a Kai Humphries that was fucking... That was defending Adam Johnson on Twitter. Oh, yeah. And the reason you're against that is not the fact that

Adam Johnson's a rapist. It's the fact that he's a... Oh, yeah. And the reason you're against that is not the fact that Adam Johnson's a rapist. It's the fact that he's a... So, fucking, it was Rob Beckett that brought it to my attention because he said that it was his brother or someone

who was just like, fucking, Kai Humphries is a dick. Apparently, there's this thing about me defending Adam Johnson. And then Rob Beckett had a look and was like, that's not Kai. So, that would have been my valid thing to get a blue pig for because I want to be

separated from the other guy that's slandering me while I'm trying to be a public figure not only slandering you but supporting a bag of shit he's not just bringing down your name he's trying to promote the name of a fucking he's promoting Ratcheterry Stip

I've never gone for the blue tick because I know comics this is such a bitchy episode I know comics any names that I've said to throw under the bus have been friends but when I say bitchy I'm being like the next thing I'm about to say under the bus have been friends. Oh no, everyone we've done so far. But when I say bitchy, I'm being like, the next time

I'm about to say, I'm specifically not going to mention names. There are some comics who have like 2 or 3 thousand followers who are blue ticked. I'm like, I know what you have to do to apply for a blue tick and I won't do it. I'm not emailing people. I'm not filming for me. I'm not doing it. My fans

spend a day setting up a Wikipedia page. Like, I'm not Rich Massara. M a day setting up a Wikipedia page like I'm not Rich Massara muggle-pedia get in there like my fans on Twitter it's very obvious

who I am I've got 40 something thousand followers I tweet very like not regularly but like once a day a lot of it's just

shit I'm up to everyone knows it me I don't need I don't need the blue tick. My fans know it's me. But you see someone who's on like 1500, I apply for it, I'm like, that's purely narcissism.

You know what we should do? We should get the Muggins and Cream Twitter that isn't us a blue tick. Just devalue the blue tick. No, do you know what we should do? Just do what we always do and just mention it now and then wait until Rich Massara does it. I'll get Rich Massara and I'll get the blue tick. Oh no, we don do right just do what we always do and just mention it now and then wait until rich massara does it i'll get rich massara to get the blue oh no we don't even have

to ask him to now that we've just mentioned it like anything we mentioned that we either hate or love rich massara just goes and gets it done like king muggle he is you know what i would love right and i wouldn't expect rich to do this because it's a it's a stretch but there's somebody probably out there that's got some office hours where they've got time to kill and they've got their capabilities but I love an animation like you know Bear Crusher tells the story about being a machine and they've done an animation

of him on the train. If there's just one of our stories that was specifically good. Or if they just animate like your dad jokes. Yeah. And to whoever who does it, remember Kai's got no earlobes. It's the one thing you need to remember. Just drum with no ears.

And then drum not laughing at my jokes for two reasons. One, he's got no ears, and two, he never fucking listens and steamrolls over them anyway. And I'm gonna not laugh at this bit. Now. So that I have to make the cut into this bit. Gene, come back in. Oh yeah, that would be a very pseudo thing to do. For them to animate us asking people

to animate us if you very matter oh right so yeah no I fully agree and that is just to any of the comics listening

and to any of the comics listening chances realistically if you're a comic listening to this you you're not a comic

this bigger than us McIntyre's not listening to this it's just like there's a bit of fucking respect game You're not a comic this bigger than us. McIntyre's not listening to this. It's just that... There's a bit of fucking respect game in the industry. I just think you lose a little bit of it when you do that. It's because you're telling people you're famous or you're acting famous.

It's overreaching. And it's also... You're clearly trying to do this for some level. I've never done comedy for fame. I've done comedy because there's nothing that makes me happier than being on stage and making people laugh well pussy but drugs okay right booze right some things x some things but like number 12 after you babe yes 11 um yeah it just i think you're just setting yourself up and you've clearly got a career path in your head

that's inevitably not going to work out my second one and we'll do your second one too is and again I am fully in the corner for this we've discussed this type of thing before but I'm a big fan of it

muggles say send me a postcard When you trip And I have done it I will do it again Have we not put this up already? We haven't put it in mobile corner But we've discussed the type of thing The one we discussed before

Being Gareth talked about When you leave the house I'll go do something and you come back in Because you forgot something Muggles house I'll go do something and you come back in because you forgot something. Muggles say well that was quick. I'll be back in two seconds. One, two you know back in. It's just one and again I am guilty of

every single one of those fuckers. Like I love those types of shit because it annoys people. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but I'm going to jump in the shower. You should probably step casually into it because you may fall if you jump.

I just hit the mic off my teeth. Sorry to any listeners that just heard a massive click there. Oh no! That's what a wax dust sounds like. Again, one of my other favourite ones is how did you find the gig?... How did you find the gig?

Or how did you find the audience? I just walked out and there they were. Yes. But that's just a very quick one. It's totally... It's hack stock. And it's funny and I know why you do it. And I will do it with you.

And if you do it to me, I'll be pissed off at you. But if I do it to you, it's the funniest thing in the world it's hypocritical muggle critical man critical man uh this one is uh i'm sure this one swallows you up and spits you right into the corner muggles have big penises muggles are the best lovers That I, Kai Humphries Have ever had Not like stay at the corner

What a Muggle Kerry Muggles Just come whacking at the room That day and went Muggles like big boobs Why have you not had Kerry on the podcast? I don't know

Because fucking Stanley was just Seemed to be the mainstay Because he was around And he listens to it too had Katie on the podcast I don't know because fucking Stanley was just seemed to be the mainstay he was around and he listens to it too so he gets the podcast but Katie's coming in

Katie's in Melbourne isn't he yeah right we will Katie Marks is he was my flatmate he needed to be on it he kept just walking in

and just hitting us with a dad joke or a muggle call and as well when we were getting high in the garden we went on so many flights of fancy

that were just like beyond to any listeners we will I getting high in the garden, we went on so many flights of fancy that were just beyond... To any listeners, I promise you in the next month or so, if you don't know Katie Marks, he is one of the... He's one of the naturalest, funniest comedians. Yeah, onstage and offstage, Katie Marks is just one of the best fucking comics of all time. Some people have got funny bones in comedy.

You know why they're a comedian because they're so funny some people there Danny McLaughlin calls them African footballers where they've worked out how to be funny

they turn up first to training last to leave and they've worked out how to be funny for that set amount of time that they're on stage right

and I mean no disrespect to them they're fucking working out but some people like and some of those guys as funny as they are on stage and as much as I make

a fucking good living they're just yeah it's a little bit like a fucking off frequency in conversation whereas Kerry Marks is just fucking

so on the ball living with him for two months has been so much fun 100% get him on the podcast right throw me under the bus

alright this is throwing you under the bus with my muggle corner it's like when people in their early 20s late teens mid-20s right agree to marry one of the friends of the opposite sex by the time they're 30 if they haven't met the right one like what a muggle thing to do what i've got a defense for this what a what a writing off being 30 years what like that when you're 20 and you just look at 30 and go that looks like it sucks if we haven't found anyone, what if like, when you're 20 and you just look at 30 and go,

that looks like it sucks. If we haven't found anyone then, let's settle. Like when you reach the age of 30 and you find out it's awesome and you've dealt with all of your insecurities and they're packaged away and dealt with

and you've just come to terms with life. You're usually in a better financial position. But it's also, people, and then all of a sudden you're just like, yeah,

better marry me mate. I fully agree because I had one of those when I was like a teenager as well but it is I find it's what people do

to someone that they're not willing to admit they fancy like when I did it when I was like 16 it was to a girl called Christine I was like

if we're not married by the time we're 30 I fancy Christine and I knew she wouldn't marry me now and you're just like you're scratching I'll wait

you're scratching five bar gates on your prison wall for the day to... She said 40. I had... No, no, no. The thing with Jean, I would argue, is different. Our marriage is not...

Our marriage is arguably inevitable. Like, it's not... Like, it's not like... Look, if we can't find anyone by then... You should do it in Australia when gay marriage gets legalised just yeah finally ruin marriage

for gay people like because the fear is that gay marriage now all of a sudden you can marry a friend no no I think with I'll accept the standing in the corner because I fully agree with this fucking thing but my only stipulation is I would argue that Gene thinks because we've never agreed to get married

we've never said oh by the time we're 30 but what it is is we get told by everyone that we will we're just told by my mum her mum fucking Natalie's just been like anyone that sees me and Gene together

is just like you will get married and we're just so bored of the argument we're like yeah yeah probably but like the time being I'm enjoying

you know being a slut and she's enjoying being a nun she's enjoying waiting waiting for you to finish being a slut yeah no I'll definitely

put that one in there because I think there's something like that young people when they're like they're right off being 30 and then when you

reach the age of 30 and realise you're so much more stable well no for me like when you watch your favourite comics right who are like

say in their 40s now like Bill Byrne Louis CK the place they're in mentally compared to what they would have been like when they were the place they're in mentally compared to what they would have been like when they were 21 like they're a better person now yeah so why would you like write yourself off then but i've never written it i've never written it off but it's for me it's

never been like oh if we're not married by that i'm just like we've got lives to lead like we've got i'm living i'm living a separate life jean's got a journey she's got to fucking go on but realistically they'll clash at one point and then I've been a lot to also getting someone else used to the relationship that we have imagine going on a fucking date

whenever I bring a girl back if I was to be in a serious relationship hi this is Jean I'm always going to love her more than I love you when you're here I'll'm always going to love her more than I love you. When you're here, I'll probably also hang out with her more just because she...

I'm probably going to sneak in the hair room with a spoon when I'm done. She knows me better than you do because we've been friends for eight years now. She knows all my insecurities and also,

after our date's done, the first person I tell about that is her. It's a difficult fucking scenario. Start texting her while you're lying in bed with her. Sex was shit. I've done that. I texting her while you're lying in bed Sex was shit I've done that

I've been in bed with I've been in bed with Girls at one point and been like Can you come through and pretend that your mother's Had a health scare Because I'm bored Stop making phone noises Like old school Nokia

oh sorry this gene you've got an iPhone 7 aye but I've just got nah I'll feel angry with that one so I would love it if like a 19 year old was like hey if we reached the age of 30 and we haven't found the one that we love would you totally get married I would love it if like a 19 year old was like, hey if we reach the age of 30 and we haven't found the one that we love, would you totally get married?

I would love it if someone just rode in on a horse with a royal decree. If it's a fucking sign here, sign here. And then just march them like fucking at spear point down the aisle on the 30th birthday. Can't fucking use that at your daft cunt.

I'm trying to marry you At your daft cunt I'm trying to marry you You daft cunt Oh right Well that perfectly That's what I That's what I said Natalie We met when I was 29

And Natalie was 26 You fucking You fucking nonce We should get married You fucking cradle robber When the laws change you fucking nonce we should get married you fucking cradle robber when the laws change my legacy's ruined

we might have to move we might have to move to South America to make this legal they change the age of consent to 27 then all of a sudden I'm a monster

so the yeah I should have said Natalie when she was 26 I'll get married but facility cover when you're 30 you're 31 now

old used goods well I thought I might as well marry her now when she looks good in the photos well that's yeah yeah

now we're not engaged anymore you wouldn't be able to have someone so fucking blanked in the future I really feel like a lot of the time in this podcast we might come across as horrific human beings and that's because

we say horrible things about Nat and we say horrible things about Gene but I just need to make sure the listeners are very aware that you can't fathom the worst things we say to both of their faces

well what makes me laugh is like I worry about the picture that I'm painting of Natalie sometimes when I talk about it on the podcast right but then I'm thinking well if you imagine the picture i'm painting is i'm getting away with saying this yeah it makes her a legend yeah people yeah people have heard

gene certain of these podcasts where we just fucking you know rail on her not sexually but right so the two ones i've got in the corner there So if you're guilty of any of these muggle corners Stand in the corner for 30 seconds My ones are singing Happy Birthday in public I know why you do it I'll join you the next time you do it But why don't you join me in the corner And let's sing Happy Birthday together

Just stand in the corner for as long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday Sing it to yourself, you fucking muggle Timid Recording? Yeah Yeah, so the memory card just ran out of space So we just paused it Well, we didn't pause it, we stopped it And we empt so the memory card just ran out of space so we just paused it well we didn't pause it

we stopped it and we emptied the memory card and now we are just to reiterate the Muggle Corners is singing happy birthday in public

which is the one you've just covered and your next one I can't remember my second one I've deleted it already oh your second one was

oh they know it fuck them they know it yeah you know the 30 seconds in the corner and your two muggle corners were... Mine was agreeing to marry someone by the time you turned 30. Yep.

And also comedians that aren't famous that change their name. Like, if I go up to some people in the street and say, hey, do you know such and such? Adam Rowe. And they say, who? See, Adam Rowe's not a person that's done it.

Yeah, Adam Rowe hasn't. Yeah, but like, like you know if you walk over to someone on the street because comedy is such an underground culture that if you go up and say hey do you know

Kai Humphries if you ask ten people in the street do you know Kai Humphries ten of them are going to say who right so I'm not going to change my name on Facebook

even if one of those persons was me and the other nine were family so we're going on to our favourite game is so what we've worked out from this podcast is the fans of this podcast

who we're always grateful for, their favourite bit is Muggle Corner, like they really do enjoy it, but our favourite bit is our next bit, which is your dad jokes, whereas we just realised that your mum jokes are sexist, uncreative,

just body shaming, age shaming, intellectual shaming. I guess some of your dad jokes are intellectual shaming. But your dad is

such a blanket like nonsense. Yeah. It's way funnier than your mum jokes. My gut's sticking to

Kev. Your dad uses a cooking thermometer On everything he cooks Rice is a fucking nightmare Grain by grain Your dad dances like no one's watching Because if people were watching He'd wear his own clothes instead of your mom's

Your dad says he's got blue balls But that's just because he keeps punching himself in the dick While watching Frozen Black and blue balls Your dad's mad at me because I haven't replied to any of his LinkedIn invitations Knock knock Who's that? Your dad

Your dad who? Your dad who tests old batteries on the dog's tongue Your dad who tests old batteries on the dog's tongue. If you put a blanket over your dad's head, he goes docile. But if you remove it, he starts making rooster noises. All I want for Christmas is you. That's my impression of your dad flipping through the phone book. Your dad threw a penny into a wishing well in which he hadn't wasted his last penny.

My nickname is Skittles because I'm constantly tasting the rainbow rainbow rainbow is the term i use for gay people i can say that because i am one so just skills is fine your dad giving his name at starbucks your dad has apple bottom jeans Boots with the furs And nobody Nobody looked at him Nobody looked at him Not one person looked at him Your dad thinks his star sign Is the sun

That's my day Your dad gets nervous When he goes to the ice cream van In case the neighbours Know what he's going to do With that con that Or when he goes to the ice cream van in case the neighbours know what he's going to do with that cornetto when he gets behind

closed doors your dad complained to Ofcom about this podcast when you used the n-word earlier I didn't get up to d you didn't

no you bailed I suggested it you bailed but I'll be honest with you not a you didn't bail at aed I suggested it you bailed but I'll be honest with you not a you didn't bail at a point that

I was comfortable with just saying the n-word is nearly as bad as saying n- yeah yeah no worse the n-word

yeah the n-word is is better than n- that's way worse that's way worse because that suggests you were gonna say

it's not even half yeah it's not even half you got you got three quarters of the way through it and I'll be honest with you like I'll still let the podcast go out suggests you were going to say it. It's not even half. Yeah. It's not even half. You got three quarters of the way through it. And I'll be honest with you. I'll still let the podcast go out because I didn't fucking say it. You said the N word though.

The N word you said. You didn't say the N word. You said. The N word. The N word. Your dad walks his plants and waters his dog. Your dad's sexual fetish is to be a sub, and I don't mean submissive,

I mean submarine, because he's filled with sailors. Dad wants to be on the bench. Your dad shouts, ready, steady, go! Through the toilet cubicle wall to strangers. Your dad chews soup. Your dad just posted a Facebook status saying,

some people need to mind their own business, two-faced skunks need to get a life. status saying, some people need to mind their own business, two-faced skunks need to get a life. Life spell L-Y-F. I just posted you a keyhole. DM me. But DM means dominate

dismiss dismiss me your dad's karaoke song is Kiss Kiss by Chris Brown he doesn't sing it he just leathers your mum do you want

arse music your dad your dad's just burnt music. Your dad... Your dad just burnt the bit on his mouth behind his teeth by eating a slice of pizza and now he's got a flap of skin that he can't stop holding with his tongue. That sounds awful.

I hope he's okay. He's irritated. Dolphins are the only animal that practice nasal sex and your dad's devastated Fuck knows Fuck knows why Pluggy plug plug plug

We're in Melbourne Come to my show Every day at the Taxi Riverside It's just down by Acme. It's down by, it's at Federation Square across from Flinders Street Station. If you're in Melbourne,

it's at 7 p.m. every, oh, Jesus, I burped halfway through that. That's awful. It's at 7 p.m. every day, 6 p.m. on Sundays, no shows on Mondays. Please do,

Australia, to all the people that have come out to Brisbane and Canberra and Tasmania, it's been an art of fucking joy So please do keep coming to the show And your show is when? Mine is at the Sub Club, it's 7pm

Every day The Sub Club is, I think it's near Flinders Street It is Go on to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Website, type in my name, Kai Humphries And it brings up all of my show dates And yes I'm going to be there. Also let us know, because we're here for a month,

if there are enough people in Melbourne, and by enough people I mean if we get 40 people that say they would want to see it, we could very well do a live podcast. We can get Krisha Cody on it. We can get Cody on it, we can get Katie Marks on it, we can get Stanley on it.

But that does have to be demand, not even demand-based, but just interest-based. Look, we're not going to put it out and then start flying and try and get an audience of people that haven't listened to the podcast. We want to put it out to people that listen to the podcast. Yeah, we want you muggles coming to it. So if you are in Melbourne,

and that does sound like something you are interested in, we know it's very muggly to tweet us and say, oh I'd be super interested, but that is the only way raise your hand, raise your little muggle hands, apart from that and if you come to our gigs based off the podcast, hang around, let us know let us fucking know, we'd genuinely love to know

apart from that, thank you so much for listening one last thing, one last thing, go to kaihunfries.com forward slash shop, buy my show how to be happy, and pay for Natalie's win and also go on my website danislaus.co.uk there's nothing to buy there

but just loads of pictures of me looking dead sexy right click these pictures save them send them on a round robin email to your work stuff

just make them your tinder profile so you can finally get laid you fucking ugly chode Thanks for listening And we'll see you I guess we'll have to do another one

At some point this week Before Monday Yeah We do owe the fans an apology We'll do two a week We'll try and back around We're back to normal cunts See you soon

Miss you already