Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flashback #3 Eugene

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

This trip down muggley lane flashes us back to May 2018, Ryan Cullen joined us to discuss his dad's antics with stories that made this episode one of our most popular of all time   Original Text: The reunion of Muggins and Cream after several months apart is an eventful one with (uncle Snunky) Ryan Cullen joining the party with some unparallelled stories of the mad antics from his father and soon to be cult hero (villain) Eugenis-Pacelli.

Eugene! This episode is another flashback episode. You guessed it, it's the one about Eugene. Ryan Cullen's dad. Ryan guests on the podcast alongside me and Daniel. This is a flashback to 2018. May 2018. Doesn't it seem so long ago?

Well, this is a good one. Go back to a happier time. Close your eyes. And not if you're driving. If you're driving, keep your eyes open. But listen to this podcast a dolphin dies trigger warning um enjoy sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that That's hack. Oh, muggles.

Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I'm not even... Hail Muggins, full of cream. Hallowed be thy name.

Thou kingdom come, thy rum-pum-pum. I was about to say, you were so good at that for the first two seconds I was like fuck it I used to be Catholic and then that rum pum pum that's the actual words no no that's the

Lord's Prayer it always gets through no that's the that's the Christmas song where they just give up on the lyrics da da da da pa ra rum pum pum pum

it's like just right words I like Old Lang Syne when you're singing Old Lang Syne you just start mumbling it yeah Old Lang Syne da da're singing Auld Lang Syne you just start mumbling it yeah Auld Lang Syne da da da da

da da da da da da so yeah we're back we're back haven't seen you in a while give us a hug we're back

we're black get used to it and uh we're here with Snuggie great uncles I'll have you that was me by the way that sounded like

that was me yeah that's not yeah instead of Yeah instead of a Instead of a mic drop At the end of the podcast It's a foot stamp At the start Oh man

I think I broke my foot By the way No we'll get on to that In a second First things first We've got Uncle Snunky On the podcast How's it going

Last time This is Is this your first real podcast While not fucked Yes Because we were talking About the Amsterdam podcast When we were all

Utterly fucking mullered There was about five or six of us as well Yeah Yeah, I don't remember I remember just shouting over But Yeah Getting about the mic

That is the podcast You've pretty much nailed the concept of it there We are in Edinburgh We're doing work in progress tonight This is the first time our roads have crossed since like February Or since You left in January but then I come out to LA And we're just on this super stoned podcast to night. This is the first time our roads have crossed since like February. Oh, since, since, you left in January

but then I come out to LA and we just done the Superstone podcast. I just absolutely took the fucking LA weed for granted. Oh yeah. I turned up in LA

like, fuck, I've been to Amsterdam. I was like having a vape in one hand and a spliff in the other and like I come back from LA going,

have I just been to LA or not? In a cloud of fog. So your ankle hurts? Yeah, I kicked someone in the knee. Yeah, why did you do that? I was just in training. I'm not allowed to talk about training in the podcast anymore.

People complain. Oh, okay. Yeah, good. Right. Oh, I thought it was to do with the fight that you had. No, I had a fight. I had an actual fight.

Have you heard this story? I have, yeah. This is the one. On the stag too holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker

the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker the holiday maker chin someone overseas, it's the holidaymaker over Amorite. No, it's just some dad in the water park

jumping the queue to be with his children. I said no running! In the upper continent. Yeah. The haymaker. Just make, yeah, just holidaymaker to the jaw. It made his holiday. So you got into a fight.

Yeah. Do you want to explain yourself? So, you know I'm mischievous right yeah right you can't you can't pass a fight off as mischievous like

like like fucking Floyd Mayweather isn't it a cheeky chappy for beating his wife Floyd mischief Mayweather

two orphans in Bradford you know what I'm like always up to no good so I was just fucking I was working we'd take it all holiday I was on good form though

you know but some people just can't handle form did you bail out on asking me whether you're in good form because you know I was going to say no

you were like you know what I've got so the thing is you drove down a street that you thought led to a cul-de-sac and you're like oh this is a cul-de-sac

this is yeah yeah yeah I remember you were a cock last time we went out so the first was like

we're daytime drinking round the pool fucking dad's on tour it really was it was like fucking 34 year olds with two kids like fucking round the pool 34 year olds I'm 34 oh it was like fucking 34 year olds with two kids like fucking run the pool

34 year olds I'm 34 oh I thought you meant 34 year olds 34 year olds on the pool like somebody's getting knocked out and you're just knocking

every single one of them out so so we're out of the pool right there's a fucking bunch of us and we're having a laugh and there was this 40th birthday party

of like girls from Sheffield that were on a football team and all that. Like good laugh, like fucking working class birds. And while we're fucking laughing and carrying on, this wasn't a fight.

This was just like... The precursor. Just the mystery photos I'm doing. So this guy, this German guy in these fucking tight ass speedos, right? Just fucking strutted

these fucking snake hips like power walk snake hips past her and everyone just stops their conversation to fucking eyeball this dude as he walks by as if like is he self aware enough to know he looked like that and I was just like fucking hold me back and I started power walking after him

and I went into the foyer of the hotel just outside the pool, outside of everyone's eyeshot and literally 90 seconds passed before I come back out that door with his needles on. Just strutted back out. I just fucking hypnotized him. I ran in, I was just saying, you're probably not going to understand this, but trust me,

if we swap boxers, if we swap shorts, you're going to be a fucking hero, right? And he just, like, as if he had no choice in the matter. Which he didn't. Just started taking his boxes off I was like not in the lobby

there's children just fucking dragged him into the toilet swapped shorts with him and fucking strut it back out and it's just like and then when he

come back he's like what a fucking good sport he was oh yeah yeah because he didn't know what the fuck was going on

he was just like that's a group of people having fun this is going to add to their fun and he was in on it I do like that when people just

like join in on the banter if you've been made a mug of like it's fairly easy to not be made the mug of if you join in with the bit

yeah I was at a pub in New York and I went to the guys and I was like where's the toilets and they went it's up those stairs

and I walked up the stairs and three members of staff ran over like no no no no no that's the thing and they were all laughing I'm like that is

fucking excellent because they said you were in a staff area yeah absolutely into a fucking staff area and then me and the three boys sat there and anyone else

that went where's the toilet we all went it's upstairs we ended up with like 30 of you oh yeah until one of them

came along he was like well you've been a dick it's like seven of us have been the fucking victim here you're the one you're the one

that suddenly made this not fun it was fun until you did it and now it's not fun so that that's pretty much what happened man that was like i was just up to that that kind of mischief the whole day and eventually i fucking met someone that just wasn't in tune with it didn't want to didn't realize he was having a laugh thought it was on him so like just to put it cherry on the story with that guy like when i went out it was like fucking big like response from everybody but fucking nothing

compared to the response he got when he come back like 15 minutes later from whatever business he was a tenant to when he walked back out of that pool he was a fucking hero

but so later on that day I've got this fucking holiday head on I kept it started off where there was a really attractive dancer on a pole

on a podium like she worked at the bar you know like short short skirt on, with a bit of bum popping out and all that, bikini top on, she was dancing, right? I never seen one before. Describe it in great detail to Colin. Not for me.

I kept interrupting her dance to ask her for a change of a quid. Stuff like that, right? Just tapping her on a change of a quid stuff like that right just tapped her on the arm like can you can you split a euro can you split a euro

I shove it up my arse she was finding it funny but she was finding it tedious yeah I only done it like a couple of things but one of the things that I'd done

was like it was like the third and final time that I approached her I was like look just let you know I've got a girlfriend I've seen the way

you've been looking at this but it's not gonna happen and just walked off and I just kept doing that to everybody literally anybody and everybody just even people

I was walking past I've got a lass it became the ongoing joke anyone that walks past no matter age gender size whatever

you're just like away I was totally undiscriminate with it kids like the fucking even the way that went for lunch they went for dinner right in the way that i was just like look i don't want to lead you on before you get any ideas i'm engaged to be married like i just want to order food and drinks just don't take it i'm flat and i'm not even gay but if i was i'd think of cheating but I was just like doing variations of that

until I fucking met another Geordie boy I didn't know he was Geordie until I fucking until he until he got homophobic and was like oh he's one of us

exactly that I was just like mate you didn't stand a chance like I've got a pen you can't I was fucking gay like oh god and I'm fucking walking outside the cunt follows us outside You can't have this fucking gear like it. Oh, God.

I'm fucking whacking outside. The cunt follows us outside and I'm fucking backpedalling. I don't want to get into a fight or anything. So, like, I've just been fucking training every day, right, just so I could get into shape. Like, I've been,

I got into that gym and I'm not meant to talk about Mai Tai on the podcast. We've been told by the listeners so I'll not get too deep into it. I go for vanity. go because a fucking fighter has a six pack and I look

I watch the fights going I want to look like that cunt I don't want to get in the ring like that cunt but I want to look like it so I've been training but as a byproduct of getting a six pack

is you become a fucking pretty good fighter aye so I've been fucking training with fucking Russians in front of us every fucking day for 90 minutes

and then all of a sudden this drunk Geordie's thrown arm punches at us. Like fucking... Like that. For those of you... Oh my god. Kai, while doing our fucking mime, has punched a photo off the wall. Nobody's safe.

The homemaker? the homewrecker the homewrecker so I was like I was trying to attack the guy doing from the fight like I was walking backwards he's thrown a couple

of punches and all that now I'm laughing he's like you're playing with traffic he like fucking can't put his arm in front of him. Like fucking... I try to stop him. Yeah, yeah, it's one of those ones

where I've been in that situation before where people are about to get into a fight with you and I'm like, don't get into a fight. And they're like, oh, tell your friend to stop. And I'm like, oh, I'm not stopping you for his sake. It's not that I don't want them to be fighting. Like, I don't want to deal with the police in two minutes when you're

dead yeah that's the fear as well just like fucking hey stood in front of his fucking

after swinging at us twice stood in front of his fucking mouthing on for fucking so long like I was just saying

was this taking up a lot of me night I was just going fucking you want it you can have it and I just

pressed the snooze button on him what did you do was it the can have it and I just pressed the snooze button on him what did you do was it the confidence coming from you just dab the snooze button

I brought the elbow up on him so up on him like kind of diagonal so like front so you're holding your right arm on the side and then yeah I just brought the elbow up

across his face just straight like John Jones yeah chicken dance chicken dance da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Just so, like John Jonestown. Yeah, uh-huh. Chicken dance. Chicken dance. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da I had a little chuckle when he went down but then his fucking mate swarmed on us his pal that was there come at us

and I was at the point where I didn't want a tournament I'm not about to start fucking who's next when you're playing fucking Soul Calibur yeah your energy bar

goes down a little bit but you're on to the next guy well maybe they got maybe they were getting read the wrong signals when you started being all gladiator is there no one else

I heard you were like Troy to correct your reference. Oh yeah, you're not entertained, yeah. Hector! Hector! So,

he fucking went down and I let out a chuckle and then just like, quite overwhelmingly, like, his fucking mate come at us and I just fucking

went backwards and I couldn't like, work out which of his friends were there and which of my friends were there and I was like, oh, I'm part of a fucking brawl now and I just fucking went backwards and I couldn't work out which his friends were there and which of my friends were there and I was like oh I'm part of a

fucking brawl now and I just fucking turned and legged it and I fucking got into there and I was like I'm going to quit while I'm ahead

you get one lucky fucking win on the roulette and you just take your chips away on your first spin so I fucking painted up the street and apparently

what happened is like fucking his mate ran like three steps after us and stopped but he got up the lad that I hit got is like fucking when his mate like his mate ran like three steps after us and stopped but he got up the lad that I hit got up

and fucking tried to run after us and fucking fell over immediately because his legs were jelly

so I hit him once knocked him out twice I mean you do the usual you do have to stop fighting people

because one day you're going to kill someone well it's that and it's like if the fucking oh I couldn't like his mates

might have got hold of us and I might have been outnumbered's like, if the fucking, oh, I couldn't, like, he's made to make it, got hold of us, and I might have been outnumbered because I didn't, like, assess the situation. Like, his head might have hit the pavement when he went down. Like, I got away with this one.

And the three previous. 24. 24 previous ones. 24. I wrote down there, I'm putting a note on my phone, just the same way, you know, like, if you put down a note, a note on my phone just the same way you know like

if you put down a note on your phone of people you've had sex with you just go redhead yeah yeah yeah

that's his excel sheet the people who said sex with the ex excel sheet oh this person's on both lists

oh my god So yeah I put I put Like I'm trying to list Remember which ones But it's from when I was like

I was Like I would say like Nearly 20 Over 24 Would have been like In me late teens Yeah

You ever been in a fight Cullen? Yeah One I think. I can remember. So you didn't win. Sounds like it went well. He was way drunker than me, so I kind of won.

But apparently the punch I threw looked ridiculously... It took away all the cool of it. Yeah, it was a proper... Apparently it swung from the side. I went out. Yeah. Choked down a few posters.

Whenever you're about to be... Whenever a guy's standing in front of you and you're about to be punched, you'd never expect it to be hit on the back of the head. Like, who the fuck was that? How the fuck did you get there? I fucking fight against Stretch Armstrong here. It taps you on the opposite shoulder. Like across the forearm I presume by the time I actually

hit him a little sweep in the head you know the worst thing about it was I stood in his Chinese afterwards that was a restaurant

yeah we were outside a takeaway and he dropped his Chinese yeah and I went he stabbed him so close to his foot he just stabbed

did you see that yeah he just fucking he just stabbed his foot like an yeah he just fucking stamped he just stamped his foot like an example of stamping on his Chinese takeaway

and fucking about an inch away from my potentially broken foot so you know the next day right I nearly didn't

go out because PTSD I was just fucking worried about bumping into them I was worried about bumping

into the like lads because we had one night left of the holiday and I was worried about bumping into them i was worried about bumping into the like lads on them because we had one night left of the holiday and i was worried about bumping into them because um in case we got into trouble but like don't honestly know that deferred emotion that you have when you feel the emotion the other person should have like you know when demus done the marathon thing yeah and like matty and natalie felt too awkward to pull him up on it yeah i'm like you

shouldn't be feeling awkward it should be him that feels awkward it's like a deferred emotion like why are you feeling the emotion the other person's meant to be feeling and then I just got that in my head and I was just thinking they should

be scared of me but that said I fucking spent the whole time with my mate Andy you know Bruce's brother who's got Down Syndrome oh you didn't use

him as a shield I held hands with a cunt I was whacking around with Andy he's like he's got his wits about him man like I've

talked about Andy on the podcast before he's got it all upstairs but he's like he's got his wits about him man like I've talked about Andy on the podcast before he's got it all upstairs but he looks fucking he looks at 100% yeah like no one's hitting that guy we're going to start

and he's going no sorry I probably got it wrong last night you know and then plus if it does kick off fucking string for 10 bears next to us

I just blow my whistle and he fucking bailed up and did it And then plus if it does kick off fucking string for ten better next to this. I'll just blow me whistle and he'll fucking pay off and I'll give him a dinner. So aye, good holder. Aye, sounds good. It had everything. Aye, looking forward to your stag do

which you are annoying. You know what? I'll just call him. I got into so much fucking trouble the other day. Good, you're a fucking witness to this. We can have this right now. So I'll raise my problems to the podcast listeners

before we get into this, right? Even you bringing it up now is getting me into trouble. Aye. Because you hate even talking around it. Aye, but... Oh, fuck. Hold on. Pause it.

Is that the wrong number? Nobody answered. Nobody answered. Aye, they phoned me. Nobody answered. So my problem is, obviously, me and Matthew Canning are in charge of your stag do. You can't control people's wives, that's the problem.

Oh, boy, no, no, no, no, no. It's their responsibility. You have been actively looking for as much information on this stag do as you can. Why are you trying to ruin your own surprise? You have. Why has Natalie been pestering me about a whole bunch of stuff, right? You're going to spoil something by asking that question. What?

Because she's been trying to find a date that I'm available to actually get married. Yeah. Which I'm not allowed to talk about. Because it takes everything off the BFA wedding if we publicise the paperwork date. Does it? Yeah, because she's going to hate that it's on the fucking podcast. Because everything, the ceremony and everything that we recognise and everything that we anniversary

is the fucking Ibiza date but the minute that people find out about the date where we actually sign the fucking paperwork which could be like after the wedding itself if it happens

it's because of fucking how hard it is to find a date that fits everything as soon as people hear about that they're gonna wanna come like fucking you and Matty would wanna go

mate best men so what you said a bit of fucking paper me mam and dad would wanna be there and all that right like fucking hey mam andty would want to go no it's his best men so what do you say on a bit of fucking paper my mum and dad would want to be there and all that right like fucking

hey mum and dad who wants to go what do you say on a bit of fucking paper because that's the fucking so we're worried that like it takes the sense of occasion

away from the other one so we're trying to get married in secret we're kind of dating in secret because he keeps asking too many fucking questions because you're asking questions about this

right well I'm stuck in a fucking Chinese finger trap aren't we you've been asked you've asked steel questions Because you're asking questions about this. Well, I was stuck in a fucking Chinese finger trap, wasn't I? You've been asked, you've asked Steele questions about the dates and the location. You've asked Colin questions. I've asked you questions?

Yeah, absolutely. What a fucking snake. He is known as a snake. Right, this is what I'll say. If I answer like I reckon you would hit me, you would hit me with a holiday maker. I a holiday maker like why did you tell me what you were asking I was like I was asking around

I was asking yeah you were asking was it give us even like a general you told me it would be like

it could be now that's not a question that's not a question I'll be a probing no Peter I was talking to Peter

I wasn't even talking to him he went just there like fucking you were like worm tongue in the corner

fucking stirring shit so fucking Peter who runs the gig I was saying to him that I was actually fearful that that was going to be

the weekend of me stag because it's the one weekend where you guys knew I had my passport right and that he would be the type of

promoter that would be in on it you both know him well enough Peter who? Peter who runs the laughter lounge in Dublin

oh right okay so probably I should probably explain that to the people in the podcast so I was saying to him like I thought because

I've definitely got this and you would definitely put me on the list if you got asked I was expecting this to be the fucking stag do

like I wasn't sure and he's just there fucking on the phone to you guys asking questions that's just not true i don't want the conversation you're talking about as well it's at the top of the the bouncers the guys really kill you and everything but uh no in my dreams by the way

i'm not going you actively wanted the fucking answers but I was just saying you were probing I was saying to Peter as well when this guy was in the corner in the shadows doing finger puppets just entertaining I know you don't want to tell me your secrets

but what about Dave the finger plumber? So, I said, what's the worst it can do to us on a stag do anyway? Of course I'm going to talk about it. I'm not going to just waltz through life like it's not a thing. I will talk about and speculate what could possibly be on the horizon for us. I was like,

what could they do to me that I haven't done to myself already? Like in Glastonbury and at Beethal, I've fucking I've like led the charge on a number of occasions kept up with the charge on the

number that I didn't like you've kind of taken a step further I went oh I know one lad that went on a

stag do and they crucified him that story is insane where's it crucified that mate right

they fucking put him on a cross tied him to a cross they didn't put the fucking nails through his hands but they should have

because right they fucking pitched him into the into the beach yeah fucking tide came in loosened the sand

he fell forward droid no where the fucking god they fucking crucified that mate and killed him he died

he died oh my fucking God. Apparently, by the time you died, it was only in like a couple inches of water, but you know, you can't move. You can try to get his fucking spinach to pop out. Alright, so what you're saying is when we crucify you, we put a snorkel on you?

Just put us on the high tide line. Fucking, that's awful. That's a lot of explaining to do. Yeah, but did he come back two days later? Here he is! But to be fair, you have missed the statue. And your funeral. We still need to pitch in for the hotel and the coke.

I don't know why you think we're going to try and kill you on this so that's the type of shit that Natalie Fia has anyway but I'm just like nah it's going to be grand I just don't know when it is do you know how Mattie

played a fucking blinder you know because I live in Fia because I don't know when it is right we got back off Brucey Stag that we've just been on

in Portugal and we're in the airport Newcastle airport and we are fucking hanging right we've just done on in Portugal and we're in the airport Newcastle airport and we are fucking hanging right we've just done like a fucking sesh proper sesh

but probably like fucking full throttle right and I'm at the urinal and fucking Matty come up with a fucking towel or something

and wrapped it around my eyes and fucking pretended he was kidnapping us from me Stagg and the fear that caught me the fear of like I've got to put in

another shit that would have been fucking hell on earth to do a stag after that no this is the I just surprised this is your stag

what the potty it's a two hour one it's a special one I've got four beers can I have two before we go on because speaking of mental things

we're going to get on to Cullen's dad in a second and not even dad jokes we're going to bypass your dad jokes because

these aren't jokes I just want to quickly do a quick shout out to Quick Fit who can go fuck themselves Quick Fit

if you work at Quick Fit go fuck yourself if you know anyone who works at Quick Fit please tell them to go fuck themselves

You are the worst Fucking business in the world I mean slow fit for like I'm just gonna I'm gonna let it hang in the air Acknowledge it It's fine It's there

It's dead So Guys I've been away I've been away for I've been fixed He saved it He saved the bit

So I've been away for four months I come back, my car is MOT's due So I take it in a fucking quick fit Two hours ago with you Cullen I come back up, an hour and a half later I get a phone call from quick fit And they're like, is that Mr Sloss

And I was like yeah yeah how's the MOT going And they're like, oh yeah we weren't able to do your MOT because we can't get the hood of the car open and it's broken so we can't get that open

so we can't I'm just like going if only for you guy that would ring that would be as good as it would cost what did you say we just

they honestly said to me we suggested I'm going to have to take it to a garage and honestly I expect by the time we get that down there for them to just

for the second the guy said the words out loud he hangs up the phone he's like oh that's my job that's what I do and I get down there

and be like mate I tell you what I was on the sesh last night honestly I used to be a butcher thought I was still a butcher I was confused when you dropped the car off

I was like what the fuck's he's fighting Dave just reminded me why I could replace your fucking tires that was my first clue I'm confused when you dropped the car off I was like what the fuck's he's Dave's just reminding me why I could replace the fucking tires that was my first clue I'm a mug anyway

we'll do that now see you later alright he stands there and gives me the keys and goes alright so bring it back when it's fixed

why why it's gotta be fixed by then if I can find a mechanic that can open the boot I'll probably just get it yeah clearly way more

fucking qualified oh my god it's like going for fucking heart surgery right waking up still in the anaesthetic and you haven't had

any surgery done and they're just going your ribs were shut alright we cut in there right what are these you've got these bones like we tried to

try going under right but your fucking stomach was there but I tell you what mate the amount of blood you've got in you if you get your heart out we'll fix it

alright well you'll have to get into heart out, we'll fix it. Well, you'll have to get into a relationship with me because that's the only time I've been. Did you not check my sleeve? Because that's what it always is. Right, so Colin, your dad's mental. I kind of only got this when you were telling jokes. Yeah, so basically what happened was you started telling

your dad stories as if, we just dropped them to a WhatsApp group and they are all insane and you were like, yeah, but all dads are like this and we were like,

nobody's, nobody's, nobody's dad is like this. So we're obviously tonight going to try and run through some of the stories. Hopefully, I can assure you they work on stage. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, like I heard one or two of them and I go, well, that's a crazy one. But every time I tell people, they laugh but also stare. I go, is he okay? He killed a dolphin.

Right. Aye. That was... I don't know how you lead into this. But basically, this Christmas morning, just this Christmas, he rings me at 8 in the morning and he goes

come on down to the beach and I go why? and he goes I can't explain I've just crucified my mate

and he drowned I was trying to honour Jesus I've got the dates mixed up I walked down to the beach and he's he's like

he's kind of like down on one knee over this dead dolphin right now my first thing was about to go like oh Jesus that's mad I've never seen a dead dolphin but his first thing was to go it wasn't me by the way

and up until that point had never assumed or even entertained the possibility that it was his dad, he's got blood on his knuckles this is, right so I obviously didn't think it until he said that and I was like what, it kind of like stuck then I kind of noticed there was drag marks

from the water to the dolphin and I was like and dolphins famously aren't turtles i don't know if you know that fact about them and he had like uh so he had these drag marks from the thing that's pretty heavy as well he goes did you drop that i was like they're clearly like it's eight in the morning uh the what the what the tide's out but it's clearly dragged like there's no other way there would it's dragged it's fresh sand right i was there's no other way. It's dragged. It's fresh.

Sand, right? I was like, did you drag him? And he went, no. But when he said no, his eyes were kind of like, oh, we need to bury the evidence. It wasn't... Why would you bury the evidence? Just throw it back in the fucking ocean.

Can I ask a question? I think this is an important question as well. 8 o'clock in the morning, right? Was it 8 o'clock in the morning because he was still up? Or 8 o'clock in the morning right was it 8 o'clock in the morning because he was still up or 8 o'clock in the morning because he got up early no he's a postman so he gets up he just keeps his routine going

so it's like 5 in the morning and he's up all the time even on a Sunday was it a Sunday when it happened don't know Christmas day I'm sorry but anyway he was kind of funny and I was like trying to figure out what was going on but he wasn't answering any questions

he's kind of still down and one knee beside it and he kind of goes it must have died during the night I was like pulling his collar away I was like it's probably the out of water thing can I ask why there's a size 9 boot print at the was like it's probably the out of water thing can I ask

why there's a size 9 boot print at the back of it's neck I was like I was trying to go like

CSI's like there's no obvious sign of a struggle apart from the drag marks there was no puncture thing

I don't know how you would go about killing the dolphin I don't think but the simple fact

it wasn't me by the way it wasn't me and the drag bikes I've been getting his son to come and help him ah yeah yeah call somebody who loves me unconditionally

so did you did you chuck it back in the ocean or did you just leave it oh we all took pictures with it I've got pictures with it you know

because normally pictures of people with dolphins are really moving on occasions but Eugene's eyes are blocked out like a superman

yeah it's just like I don't know how you kill dolphins you know what I was saying like I was saying Daniel

like the dolphins main kind of like enemies they're like Japanese trawlers the little plastic things that hold coke cans

yeah some dude from Stravans so the problem with like so you gotta tell stories like on stage these are stories people need to hear

like fucking perfect on the podcast but that's gonna be a tough story to tell on stage because people aren't gonna believe it even though I fucking

I'm gonna have to literally throw up the picture and go this is the drag there's I have evidence yeah yeah but also I think

like it's I think like within one story they won't believe you but the time you get to the third or fourth like because they're all so fucking insane tell that tell the one tell us the one about the fucking race the greyhound one that text phone where you went to relay in the story it was but right right and and this is like uh i heard this from another guy uh who i met he was like i was good friends with your father when i was younger and i was like this is bizarre and he tells me this story so i i went down i was like i don't believe this so i asked him to tell me the story i was like you and that his name is louis i think it was like you and louis tell me tell story he tells me the story and it's the exact same because i was so embarrassing now this story it like it could fit exactly into a guy richie film like it's jason statum and a guy richie film right so he's such

a gypsy try to go around about waving have you seen snatch but he anyway he goes like him and him and free and Louie and another guy three of them anyway, 19 years old he's still gambling and stuff loves this type of stuff he gets this tip that this greyhound first of all is this greyhound's

kind of decent and it's really bad odds it was like 6 to 1 which is pretty good odds for a greyhound, there's only 6 little things running so he buys this greyhound costs a lot of money he finds out then, he gets this greyhound costs a lot of money right he finds out then he gets this other tip off like

he can drug it he knows a guy that can drug the dog so that the dog's gonna win so they they get this they buy the greyhound they buy the drugs

right the big fucking injection right steroids dogs take steroids yeah and they take so they put up

take out it's a lot of money he was telling me it was like oh it was like 90 pounds each of them which is apparently fuck loads in the 70s or some shit he keeps some money because they they are presuming So they put up, take out, it's a lot of money. He was telling me, he was like, oh, it was like 90 pounds each of them, which is apparently fuck loads in the 70s or some shit.

He keeps some money because they are presuming like this is it, we've won anyway, we keep the big time. They put all their savings, my dad went and got his sister's money. Oh my God.

And also took it out, got the money. To bet on this drugged up horse. Bet up on the drugged up dog. Greyhound, right? Horse. It's a horse now. Didn't fit in the wee thing.

Elliot Steele, right off the mark. So he goes in and they keep a little bit of money. He goes, we had all our money. The only money we had literally left, and each of our families was money we were just pre-drinking. Yeah. Because it's the best day ever right they get up to half an hour before the thing like a couple of like races just before

their one like you know and uh louis goes like is he already blah blah because i've already given the injected the dog right and my dad goes louis i've done it like like 10 minutes ago right and the third i don't know the third guy's name Paddy let's call him Paddy Paddy was just like mate like literally 25 minutes ago I've drugged a dog they were all hammered

they all went down to the paddock and the dog had overdosed and died oh my god so they lost all their money no because I figured out I was trying to figure out plot holes So they lost all their money? No Because I figured out I was trying to figure out plot holes Surely if it's a non-runner you wouldn't get your money

Yeah So they got their bets back I think they got their bets back But they'd already started spending their winnings Because they had a sure thing So they're still down They're spending on tick He didn't pay his sister back.

But even with the non-runner, because I presume they got their non-runner money. I think if you're a non-runner, you get your money back. I don't want to spoil the story. It'd be better if he lost everything. But he was drinking, saying the dog. They bought the dog. They bought the drugs and everything like that there.

And then got their bet back. Got their stake back. And apparently, he said, and another guy, what they did then was with the bet and money they got back apparently they rang the guy that sold them

the drugs and went can you come over and do another greyhound for us to try and try and replace it real quick

try and replace it the guy the guy in the phone must have been just like nah man nah phone Peter yeah yeah yeah not Peter the animal organisation not the owner of the left arm phone must have been just like, nah, I'm out. Nah, phone Peter. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Not Peter, the animal organisation, not the owner of the laptop. So fucking, does that one happen lightning strike twice with a dolphin?

Does the dolphin look hench? He's drugged it up. He's killing a lot of animals. Yeah, he's cruel. He's a cruel beast. He's always had like that kind of like,

an off, like he thinks it's, I know there's dark senses of humour, but he makes them kind of dark and awkward. There's no real jokes sometimes. Well, there are two of them, are jokes. He nearly died a couple of years ago, right? He basically had to get eight bypasses and one surgery. Which is a world record. The doctor was just like,

I don't even know why we're going to bother. The doctor was so non, I don't even know why we're going to bother. Right? So he was like, literally, the doctor was so nonchalant in Ireland. All right, we'll just do eight, nine.

Just shinnical. So he comes in, and it's also Christmas Day. I was just, I was telling, I was like, something like fucking Christmas Day. We're in a hospital in Galway,

right? So they're telling us this, right? And he's been smoking since he was a kid. This is why the surgery has to happen. there's only 20% of the blood going into his legs that should be going on like 10% in one uh he was like I've got sore legs he was talking about for about a year and we're like shut up then we're like all right shut up dad shut up the old man I've got sore legs all. All right, boo-hoo. You pussy.

The doctor sits us down. We were all kind of like... Because it was that atmosphere. It was hereditary. We were the whole little family meeting with the doctor. And it's on that kind of he's already dead vibe going on, right? So they go to him. He's like, listen just there's a high possibility we're gonna have to amputate your legs right and i'm like like i'm gonna try because that's really funny he's gonna want mine

are they a match What's your ice shoe, is it? Is that what you said? No, no. But he goes, the doctor goes to him, right? So you just call the paraclimbers? He's taking this into his stride, thinking like,

you know, I'll cope with it my own way. And he goes, the doctor goes, right, if you need help... Did you just say, my dad took losing his legs in a stride? Is that what you said, Colinide is that is that what you said Colin

I believe that's what you said right dad after this like honestly it's gonna be difficult but just like put one foot

in front of the other you gotta crawl before you walk you gotta crawl before you walk walk in my shoes that's a shoe fit the doctor goes

to him right if you don't stop smoking like basically today we're gonna have to cut your legs off right and he goes he goes if you really want me to cut my if you want me to stop smoking you should just cut my arms off i'm kind of giggling sister my mother kind of traumatized you know like the doctor's not having any of it anyway so we were having this surgery and he kind of giggling sister my mother kind of traumatized you know like and the drug the doctor's not having any of it anyway so we were having this surgery and he kind of gave off the thing like say maybe goodbyes because it's a real serious one right so we were all like he was doing

his kind of goodbyes in his wheelchair and he goes uh he goes uh he goes to me when he comes over to me he goes do you remember all those times i called you i can't i was like i and he goes to me, when he comes over to me, he goes, do you remember all those times I called you a cunt? I was like, aye, and he goes, I meant it. And then they just wheeled him off and I was like, I hope he goes. That's how this last works. I hope there is ice.

Yeah, you know what, that was actually a fucking really sweet thing for him to do because he just made it easy for you to hate him.

He made it easy, I think it would be like, imagine he just fucking gave you some big sentimental speech and then fucking died in the surgery. Yeah, or even worse, gives you a big sentimental speech and then fucking died in the surgery or even worse

gives you a big sentimental speech and then comes out fine and you're like oh when did they tell you you told me you loved me but now he's gonna be like

now he's gonna face you again after like he comes back and we're gonna tell him he was a cunt just gonna pretend to be in a coma for a bit

so I don't have to face him he was so awkward about it as well. He woke up a couple of hours... He was supposed to be under for a day or something, or two days after the surgery. He wakes up after a few hours, way too early.

So he's in real pain. He's apparently screaming and stuff. And we're told it's not going to be pretty. Come in, you can visit him. So me and we all come in. He's literally turning his bed. Can't even speak. He's in pain, moaning and stuff horrific but all we were that we were wearing

like the icu like little bibs like like the intensive care thing and they were pink and all i can hear for this thing is pink fags if you're wearing pink scrubs yeah it's the only thing you can say in pain and again I was like just fucking put him back can you cut his legs off now he kept his legs I was devastated but

see you good later oh my god it's actually it's actually amazing your fucking leg because you're you're pretty solid like considering

like you've got your shit together like every story you tell me I'm like I'm surprised by how down to earth and not messed up

you are these aren't like the stories these are the more fun ones these mental ones like about fighting people but like

it goes back in his past you know because he was born in the troubles you know right in the middle of all this

you put quotation marks on as if they didn't happen you know the right in the middle of all this. You put quotation marks on as if they didn't happen. You know, the Gulf War. I'll be getting a lot of trouble for that one. But, like, there are all these stories

about, like, he was, like, his house was painted green, white and gold and shit, like, you know, and he dated when he was, like, 18, he started seeing this Protestant girl, which is, like, the most big no-no possible Romeo and Juliet guy

right so he's walking home one night after seeing her and the UVF catch him because they hear about it and they kick the shit out of him right and put him in

and they're like fucking don't ever go near her again blah blah blah was that her family he goes the UVF no was that like

what's the UVF again it's just like basically real militant protestants alright so they're like stop touching our woman so that The UVF? No, was that like... What's the UVF again? It's just like basically real militant Protestants. So they're like, stop touching our woman. So that is because she's one of their party. Yeah, basically, right. But it wasn't family members.

It was just like, she's a Protestant woman. Yeah, it shouldn't happen. Get your Catholic-covered cock away from her. Yeah, exactly. So they kick the shit out of him. He spends two days in the hospital in bits, right? He comes out of the hospital and he's walking home

and the IRA catch him and do the same thing. They catch him and kick the shit out of him again. Close for going with the Protestants. So is the IRA his team? Yeah. Yeah, we agree.

When he's on the walk home, they bundle him in the van and kick the shit out of him, right? And then they were like, he goes halfway through kicking the shit out of him and they were like, what's this? He had that hospital but why are you all bruises? And then he were like halfway through kicking the shit out of him they were like what's this

why are you all bruises and then he was like the UVF got me first and then they were raging how dare they get our man first before us like a childish little they were distressed that the UVF kicked the shit out of him before they got him

so they went and kicked the shit out of the UVF guys and I was like how did that end up he goes well obviously never went near her again not a very cool ending of him before they got him and stuff like that. So they went and kicked the shit out of the UVF guys. I was like, how did that end up? He goes, well, obviously never went near her again. I was like, alright. Not a very cool ending. That's fucking hilarious. Dad got laid and then got batted off the fucking UVF in the raw.

I mean, that's enough to stop you. Oh, man. Sometimes you get a headache. Sometimes you pay the price to get with a girl like when you're a single man you put up with some fucking bullshit oh

women one of the like his real name's not Eugene as well no have I told you this one no you're right

he went to get a passport what a weird fake name by the way no he went to get his he thought it was his name he went to get his passport yeah when he was 18 years old

right for a holiday and he was like you know you never need passports or some shit until you're 18 you know what I mean he went to get a passport when he was like 18

and the guy was like going through records and he's like there's no Eugene Cullen born there and he was like aye there is and he went back to his

his mum like right and she's like she's just not wuffing at all right ever right so

Granny Cullen that's Granny Cullen I dead Granny Cullen. That's Granny Cullen. I dare Granny Cullen. It's ripped on constantly by everyone here. First woman ever to be bullied down, bullied face down,

ass up. She kept the British Army one for a fucking couple of decades. Her open casket was the lower half. Oh my God. Oh God. I've liked it. Rest in peace. oh my god oh god I've liked it

rest in peace he goes he goes there's no he goes back to her and he's like am I born there yet and he goes

is my name Eugene yeah and she's like oh no actually no it isn't and he's like what he's standing there goes what he goes it's she didn't couldn't she couldn't pronounce it so she goes it's it's like magella or something because that's a woman's name right and she's like it's magella um and we were

like yeah this guy this girl she's always mixed my grandma used to mix up sorry i went like i remember one day we came home and she goes i'm fucking Elizabethans next door are making a lot of noise. And she meant lesbians, but we were matching. We're matching. With their big frilly collars, their big powdered wigs. Anyway, she's like, your name's Magella or something? He's like, he took him ages to track down a priest. Things weren't as easy that day. They apparently named him the day he was born.

And he's named after Pope Pius II. So my dad's real name is Eugenius Pacelli. A double barrel first name. A double barrel first name. Eugenius Pacelli. Eugenius Pacelli. Cullen. Cullen.

And he's the most un-Eugenius Pacelli person you can ever fucking meet. I think he kills dolphins. He gives dogs drug overdoses. Oh my god Eugene has he ever seen you comedy he was at it the last the first time he saw me doing comedy is the day

I walked like 30 people back home and most of my family were there it was like everyone's really angry and stuff and I started shouting at the crowd and my grandmother started crying, it was my worst gig ever I remember you saying that, that wasn't Granny Cullen was it? No that's a different Granny so Eugene

this guy comes up to me long story short, it's supposed to be a Father Ted night and I'm not on Father Ted and he was like hammered and he was like in his 50s he was like I paid 20 quid to see Dermot Morgan and I'd lost it at this stage and I was like in his 50s he was like i paid 20 quid to see dermot morgan and i'd lost it at this stage and i was like he died 97 you fat cunt right so it started to get on and two people try to glass each other in the front row like i was trying to calm it down i had lost

all control right i was dying up there like i was just trying it was just screaming abuse right uh i see him leaving and then i see my dad getting up this is me on stage of the mic and i'm like no no so he just starts fighting he decides to kick the shit out of him still in the room while you're still on I'm like ah guys this is a bad thing I see him at the start he's pushing him through the double

doors at the back in this fucking hotel he wanted to wait up at the late bar just in case he came back calm down Eugene you know what I mean Eugene Eugene Scutelli that was the one time

we tried to start a sitcom called Eugene which is just old 1970s and it's all these stories but at the end of each one it's just Eugene

and then all the just your dad spoiling a dead dolphin on a beach oh Eugene putting the third tranquiliser into the dolphin. Eugene.

That one as well, I told you. This one shouldn't be in our podcast, but I'm pretty sure he... If there's ever a podcast with those type of stories, it's this one. He kind of admitted to a murder. Alright, here we go.

We've got an exclusive. This is one day after the dolphin situation. I've got the fucking taste for it. Boxing day or Stephen's day

or whatever, right? He comes in. He's hammered this time. Boxing day, Stephen's day? Yeah, that's Ireland. Is it? Sure, sure. It's probably just your family. He's got boxing day, Stephen's day. Yeah, that's Ireland. Is it? Sure, sure.

It's probably just your family. I've got to be honest. Made Stephen day. Stephen is Pacelli day. Dying of troubles. He goes to me, right? He's telling a story.

Now, I think this one's, like the rest of them, I've had to like, are they true? Oh, you've fact checked and you've double checked.

This one hasn't been fact checked because how can you? You don't want it to be fact checked I don't also want it to be fact checked so he goes to me, I remember one day we were on the topic of suicide you know, Christmas banter I was fishing once there

just down the river in Strabanda Fowler and some guy jumped off the bridge trying to you know to kill himself and I was like alright and he goes

but he was like he bollard all the trout you know I was getting really angry he started the fish humanity is not going well you know later he goes

I bothered the trout right the guy jumped on the thing he was like fucking trout botherer yeah ripped the fucking trout scattered the trout

and he goes and I go I'm fishing here so I was already kind of going like well that's a weird thing to say after something like that

and he goes I know he goes I had to go in and help him so I was like alright cool you saved his life

yeah and I was like cool so he goes blah blah blah he goes who is this guy or what happened then

he goes well I had to tell the police or something I was like what do you mean and he was like when I said I went to help him

I thought he meant like help him out of the water he goes no I already finished the job and I was like seriously I said we were all like

like when he says it like nonchalantly he's just pushing the oar he's just pushing him with the oar pushing him further under like you know

when you flush the toilet right and the shit won't go down and you just get like the toilet brush and you're just trying to like push the jobby around the bed like your dad's doing

that with a human being this guy might not jumped off a bridge he might have fallen and he's like oh thank god somebody's like what are you doing

we're going to help him not help him out scoops him up and brings him back to the bridge again Eugene it's just nice that your dad's got a catch and release policy Scoops him up And brings him back To the bridge again Eugene It's just It's just nice

That your dad's got A catch and release policy With human beings as well I love the idea Of him just fucking Ringing you on Boxing Day And you fucking turn up At the beach

And there's just a dude Like draggling Drag Max out Of the fucking river This is just A ton to be heard about It's always animals He used to have a gun

He used to go hunting Why? Right? He used to go hunting why right he used to go hunting right hunting war cats when I was like

when I was like 13 he goes I remember him going like I've sold the gun not right no he shot my dog how is that

the part of the story you forget he was feeling a bit dodgy about it because I go it was

it was and I'm not even joking it was around Christmas time because this is when I'm back home and I'll go up to I was like I'm going up to feed

the dog Steelo right and it's a big red setter and he goes he puts his arm and he goes don't and I go away and he goes

because I shot him and I didn't know he was dead he didn't tell us for like two days right I just winged him shot him in the leg yeah yeah shot him and I didn't know he was dead he didn't tell us for like two days right I just winged him shot him in the leg yeah yeah yeah

shot him is he dead no he's a bit dodgy right so he's a bit dodgy about the gun thing he feels sad about it

after years of shooting stuff in it so the next thing he comes in about two days later he goes I sold the gun I was like

was it about stealing he goes aye there was something else too and I go what was it and he goes well I was I was like this was it about stealing? He goes, ah, there was something else too. And I go, what was it? And he goes, well, I was,

I was like, this isn't hunting, right? He was cleaning the, he was washing the dishes, right? And he said, I saw this like really cool,

beautiful, like, but it looked like a duck, but I think it must be some sort of weird bird. And it, it stepped on, it flew into the, where we had a bird feeder.

Yeah. So he got the shotgun and shot it from point blank range from point blank I was like that's not hunting that is a trap

you're doing your dishes you shot a bird on your bird feeder you alert it in it's a bird feeder put a little bit of crust of bread on the end of his barrel

it's a double barrel shotgun it's theory of the movie was a beautiful thing so he's like oh right I don't agree with this but like okay you want to hunt it

as a trophy because it's so beautiful but when you shoot it point blank it's no longer a fucking trophy it's a pillow you're not going to

eat it now it was a pheasant or something yeah he told me as well he'd once shot a duck before on the top of the Straban Bridge, which probably was the same bridge as he got.

But he goes, oh, I saw it, it was coming, it landed on the water and it shot down off the bridge. And I was like, that's insane. You're shooting off a bridge. That's not really hunting.

He goes, yeah. And then I had him run across. You know, like when you're a kid, you free like a stick. A stick under, yeah. So he ran across to see the bits of duck coming like this.

And I was like, all like alright he's getting insane how did your dad walk on the street now he's like completely against hunting hunting and it took him

it took him seven murders well no hunting with a gun taken to the fact that the dolphin was this Christmas I don't know

I'm into bigger animals I'm bigger I'm bigger I'm bigger animals and smaller guns I just use my teeth you use my cockscrew off me so I'm sorry now

even now I'm just like god that's that's four stories now that he's involved killing animals at least yeah that's the sign

of his serial killer it's not the signs it's the traits it's the evidence the actual when he killed the signs it's the traits it's the evidence the actual when he killed the guy that was the signs that

there you there you but I he's a good lad I'm gonna do like all these stories in stand up now but I'm just like

I can't really run them by him I'm just going to have to go with it sorry for calling you maybe that'll be that might be a good way to do it though if you start doing it on stage right

because I've often found whenever I tell stories about my parents on stage if I've ever exaggerated points you know if I've said something that absolutely happened and they're like that's absolutely not

how it happened actually my parents if I want the truth about my parents I'll lie about them on stage and then they'll come and tell me the truth

be interesting definitely invite Eugene to see the show do the fucking like all the stories in it right and then at the end be like

I'll have you fucking know yeah and then just get the police come in and just like speak to your lapel go no we've got him

you want a load of money very quickly on a horse is he with it like could I hold a conversation with you would think he's normal if you came in here

fine can we get him on the podcast one day can we just say as well yeah that would be fucking great but you were saying

he won a lot of money on a horse race you know the day of the grand national and you told us you got a tip through off his dad right so I texted him

when I got in I never bet on fucking much a couple of actors on the UFC when I know who's fighting and then I said who did dad put on fucking much a couple of actors on the UFC when I know who's fighting you know and then I said

who did dad put on honestly the first horse that fell literally out of all the fucking horses in the national the first hurdle because they drugged it

three times I think they drugged the guy the guy on top of it he the jockey I think they called jockey about a year ago he won a

I came back for the weekend and he had and my mum was on holidays with her friends right and he had won a load of he won a i came back for the weekend and he and my mom was on holidays with her friends right and he had won a load of money on a horse race and uh he was like uh don't don't tell your mom don't tell your mom shouldn't shouldn't be gambling that much right he won like so many thousand right and then he went on the night out and it's a small town now where they've

moved to so it's like the pop it's it's a busy place because people go with holidays but it's a small town now where they've moved to so it's like it's a busy place because people go on holidays but it's only like 300, 200 population so I don't know the bars are full he literally bought everyone in the town like rounds

all night and blew all of it right as if it was his own daughter's wedding yeah so he blows it all in one night I'm at the house going like

I'm there at the bar too going like what the fuck right I go home early right I was like I can't

I can't he's so hammered he comes back my mum comes he's like right it's a pure secret nobody knows i was like yeah cool no problem my mom comes back in holidays my dad's all like sure to go for a wee walk down the town you know trying to be all yeah he walks down the town and literally every person on the street's like Eugene Legend he's just moved to the town nobody knows who he is

and my mum's like what the fuck have you done he's just moved there yeah he's just he's only moved like a couple of months the entire town

yeah because he disappeared didn't he Eugene Legend fuck man I think that takes us nicely onto your dad shows yeah I think it does

doesn't it they're going to seem a little bit tame now I know I can't hear many of them at Cullen

so yeah we're going to seem a little bit tame now. I can't hear many of them at Cullen. So yeah, we're going to bypass Muggle Corner for one week. You know what I think we should do as well, because this is coming up in an hour, we'll go do the gig, and then we'll get maybe come back and get another one in the can. Yeah, we'll be fucked then. Just so you know,

just for people who haven't heard, only heard Cullen on two podcasts, he's sober for this one. Aye. Also, anything to plug plug I think we're all at Brighton this weekend right next weekend

next weekend aye that's not next weekend Brighton's next weekend so this weekend I'm in Cardiff if you listen to this now as it comes out

I'm in Cardiff on the weekend at the Glee Club and then the weekend after I'm at the Brighton Comedia yeah what gigs you got coming up

I'm not but I'm coming to that gig yeah you just come bother us in Bright but I'm coming to that gig yeah you just come bother us in Brighton I'm also in Brighton next

Friday doing my own show now at the Comedia and if can you make sure this podcast

comes out on Thursday yeah I'll put it out now oh could just if you leave it for Thursday I can do or if you leave it tomorrow night I can do the announcement. Right, let's talk about this after.

All right, okay, we'll do it. We'll do it. All right, we'll just do it in the later on podcast then. Also, if you want to see Cullen go to YouTube, he's a YouTube sensation. He's on a thing called Facts. Right. Facts is gone.

Facts, I know, but the fucking YouTube thing's still there, right? Yeah, I'm going to try it. He basically tastes biscuits and gives his opinion on that for money. Hey, bro, stop. I'm going to try it. He basically tastes biscuits and gives his opinion on that for money. About eyebrow stuff. Your dad does his hair with a balloon. Oh yeah.

Pretty tame. You know what Colin's dad does? Kai, your dad drops at Moisty Mire. Likes the scenery. Your dad uses Dax on his shoulder hair. Colin, your dad's got a thug life tattoo across his chest. Colin, your dad licks his lip before turning the pages in porn. Slash, your dad wears travel bands when he's watching the Formula One.

Slash not your dad always puts a ham sandwich in his trouser pocket so that dogs give him attention in the park Kai your dad can

fit a whole fist inside of his mouth which is why he's so confusing to fight against it's like fighting Kirby give it back

Kai your dad thinks Carp DM is the type of fish and my dad's going to kill it Colin your dad can't do a handstand but he keeps going Kai watch and then trying to do one Colin I like big bats and I cannot lie

and your dad hates Muslims and I wish he'd keep his voice down Kai, your dad turns up to Anne Summers for Anne Summers parties I'm going to have to kill this one now actually Colin, this is you this isn't even your dad joke, this is your dad fact on a nice sunny day, your dad likes to take his boogie to the back on so he can kill butterflies.

Kai, your mum put oil in the bird feeder pole to stop your dad from stealing the nuts. But joke's on hard because now he's a semi-professional stripper called Bugsy, I'm so alone. Josh, your dad thinks trophy hunting is stupid because you can buy them in shop

Colin your dad has a union jack with jazzle Kai your dad wears velcro condoms oh fuck Josh your dad wears Velcro condoms Oh fuck Slush your dad's Against animal testing

Only because he thinks It's a waste of links Because he keeps Trying to fuck the cat Slush Your dad pulls his pants Down off his ankles And goes wee wee

Like a little schoolboy Oh yeah well your dad's Shit's standing up in place Keep you up and with his jobby. Okay, your dad has got a copy of FHM under his bed, but only he uses it to prop it up the bed.

Just stop it, Shuglin. Slush, your dad can never get saved at a busy bar because he's so meek. That's true. Colin, your dad could never get served at a busy bar because he's so meek. That's true. Colin, your dad got married in Daisy Duke jean shorts. Sloss, your dad writes Daddy Cool when it says fill in street name on forms.

Colin, your dad always loses his cool because he gets angry during Ramadan. Kai, your dad's got a knife in the toe of his boot so he can spread butter on the toast that he drops. Kai, your dad released his teddy bears into the wild I've got one last one Kai your dad's a gammon he's a gammon what is that

so basically you know when old old white right wing men get angry and shouty like they've got they can now complain

it's a fucking skin condition when they get shouty they turn fucking red like gammon so so when they've got like like burst capillaries because of all the fucking whiskey

they've drunk aye racist in the pub aye so that's it so they're now claiming that it's fucking like this is what

it's a white man condition it's a white man condition and they've just been like it's racist like it's like all of a white man condition it's a white man condition and they're just being like it's racist like it's like all of you have said the n-word like all

and the n-word has like what a thousand or maybe not 500 years of fucking you've all said it definitely in private

right and I know you're fine and they'll be like I've got this fucking skin condition how do you call me fuck you you gammon cunt

everyone use the word gammon fucking use it now that you've filled me in on Fuck you, you gammon cunt. Everyone use the word gammon. Fucking use it. Now that you've filled me in on that, I appreciate it and can't wait to add it. He is a fucking gammon though. All right, well, we'll potentially see you in a couple of hours,

but a couple of days for you cunts. Right. Love you.