Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flashback #4 Bad Boys

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Taking you all the way back to our 9th Episode way back in 2016. Enjoy this mainline of nostalgia. Original Text: Sending you vibrations from Amsterdam, with weed fuelled tales of youth, muggles and dad jokes. 

I'll read it's Muggins again with another flashback for you episode four of the flashback series taking you right back to 2016 when me and Daniel were just little whippersnappers here we are in Amsterdam high as fuck having a nice time I get I listened to this one you know these are recommended by you as the favorite podcasts that's why I'm putting them up I've just took your word for it for the last three this one 2016 i thought i better listen back to it because by 2020 standards will make it cancelled for some of the things we said in 2016 you know i ended up in fucking sarah pascoe's book for something i said in 2018 that's how much time's changing so i listened back to it and i just enjoyed it just two lads having a nice time

we didn't know anyone was listening danny wasn't famous at the time we're just fucking getting by having like getting high having a laugh so i hope you enjoy it too here it is sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or might just be cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Right, we're going. Bad boys, bad boys.

What you gonna do, what you gonna do when your dreams come true? I don't know why he insisted on opening with that. He sang all today in Amsterdam in the middle of the street. That's when you stole my song. So we are in Amsterdam. It's after our Tumblr gig. And I'm as

Kai as a height it's nice it's good weed what are we smoking weed which one

green green weed try the green weed if you ever come to Amsterdam highly recommended four stars don't try the

black stuff heroin we've been to Amsterdam for a bit so we've got two days off now and we're just going to spend a bit so we've got two days off now and we're just going to spend it high

so we do apologise if this podcast is shit because it is as well mind you we did start off the podcast high like it's just because we've been sober

for three weeks maybe the standards we did warn people as well we'll let them know in the previous episodes that this Amsterdam wasn't coming so this is your fault

like you were warned you know we're not going to we've got the podcast to do but stay stay level headed I want to be a, we've got the podcast to do, but stay level-headed. We want to be accomplishmentists for the podcast. Aye,

can't be ourselves. You know, go up, you're real fans, you've got to see the real side of us. So we got given some weed at the gig in Ghent

and because this guy comes to the gig every time we do the gig and he's always got weed for us, we'll have a smoke with him and then we were having such a good laugh in the car on the way back

before we'd record a podcast like his bonus one and recorded 20 minutes like high as fuck listen to it back the next morning and just went nah yeah so we might release that in the future but at the moment we were like it'd be really funny when we were not great for him in the car we were fucking hilarious we just relived that all right just just lived in the moment she just recorded it anyway just get in the car alright so that podcast was like there was some funny bits in it but then there was bits

where we just forgot what we were talking about yeah we literally had a good five minute argument about who said what but the fact it was recorded aye

and then three minutes of silence while we kissed and made up sorry kissed and made up and then ten minutes of noise. So if you've come to see us in the past couple of days, where the fuck have we been? We've been to Norway. Oh yeah, we've been to Norway.

We've been to... wherever there was before that. Belgium. Oh, Belgium. Oh yeah. So if you came out in Belgium and you came out in Norway, thank you very much,

and in Amsterdam, they've all been great. Now we've got two days off. And all the boys are arriving in. All the boys, all the lads. The bad boys. Lads up to. Don't say it again.

What are they going to do when their dreams come true? So we've got a bunch of comedians joining us in Amsterdam for two days today on Monday and we're just going to get absolutely mullered. And we've got a bit of a party game.

The lads, lads. Oh, yeah. So we have this game whenever we go on a holiday with the boys, with the lads, with the legends. Lock up your daughters. Don't. Lock up your bikes. Lock up your bikes.

We're in Amsterdam. It's called Jeff. So what it is is we pretend that it's Jeff Stagg too and that Jeff has to wear a ridiculous costume. But the thing is we don't have a friend called Jeff. Jeff is just whoever we decide is the person who's done the dumbest thing the most recently, and they've got to wear this horrific outfit

that we spent a solid two hours making. I can't reveal the details, because I know that Elliot, who's coming to Ramsey, he'll be listening to this podcast in the morning. The type of thing that will make you Jeff is something like Elliot done today. So Milo's trying to check them in online and he said he text elliot on the whatsapp group saying uh send me a picture of your passport so you can get the details and elliot sent a picture of his clothes of his fucking passport yeah and that that's the type of action

that they've done in the moment you're like jeffrey and then that person becomes jeff and you swap clothes and there's also a punishment If you're Geoff again We can reveal it It sounds dull But it is But we get high And enjoy it Mugly It's pretty damn

Fucking mugly isn't it Well is it mugly Because we're taking The piss out of stag doos Like I feel like We're being ironic There is an extra Lay out of it

For sure It is just Embarrass your fucking friends Yeah but it's essentially Doing the same thing Like there was one We started this off We were in Benidorm three years ago because we wanted to go on a proper shitty lads holiday.

And the shirt was Jeff Stagdew and it was a picture of Kai's brother Gav shirtless. And if you were Jeff, you had to pretend that you were getting married to Kai's brother Gav, which was funny because it's Benidorm and it's not the most liberal thinking place in the world stuck in the 70s or the 80s or something so people's reactions to because you have to be like you know I think it was Tom Han when he was at Jeff some guy was like oh so you're getting married congratulations who too and Tom was like oh his brother and the guy was a bit taken back he's like oh no I don't mind that

man I've got no problem with the gays. I had quite a few friends that were gay back in the day, but they all died. The big A. The big A. The big A. And we were just sat at this fucking table like, oh, my God.

They all died. The big A. And then he had a wistful moment. I just went, hi. Big A. Lost them in the Big W Woolworths. The Big W? Waterstones.

Waterstones. Big W, that's what it's called in the States. Woolworths. Hi, Big W. Woolworths is no more. I still have too many picnics when I was a child. Did you? Is that how old you are?

I put them out of business. I bought Pokemon cards. That's what I did, aye. I got turned down from buying, you know, the movie Speed with Keanu Reeves. Why? I went to Woolworths to buy Speed on VHS. I didn't know how I'd do. What age is Speed? Fifteen.

How old were you? Sixteen or something or something. You were such an ugly kid as well. I know you've done that bit on stage. But do you reckon It was hard for your parents To love you I reckon I would have been

Cute as fuck Cute as a button I reckon I owned it Nah I looked like a little You got beat up On the daily can Nah

I got into fights Bah Yeah I got beat up When I got chuggy boated Into the The water The long jump It was full of water

And I got chuggy boated Into it I just Follow me back So I don't think I ever got bullied too much of the water. The long jump pit was full of water and I got chuggy boated into it. I just got thrown. Filling me back. See, I don't think I ever got bullied too much. I think I did once. I've never been punched. I got bullied like a little bit.

I found it weird. I remember my first day of high school, I cried in the bathroom. Did you? Aye. Because I didn't know anyone. You're looking in the wrong place. Are you in the bathroom?

I was looking, no. I was just spending time. I didn't know anyone in the bathroom I spend the days moaning Myrtle you come out of the bathroom now and again you know some people so where

where your real friends are so I got my school bully kicked the shit off in Nantes I did it's your choice of words is what keeps the fans coming back

it's a concise appraisal of what happened right so when I was in school there was this guy called Andrews Winters who

as far as I know he hasn't posted on Facebook since 2011 so might be dead spoiler alert this man he might just

not be very active on Facebook I don't know But my school bully Andrew Winters He forced me and my mate To have a fight with each other He was like

You two fight each other Or I'll beat you both up Oh my god So we started having This real like pussy fight Like hardly hitting each other Like pretending it hurts Like hitting him

Doing stuff Your childhood Is the bleakest thing It makes me laugh so hard How bleak So stuff again your childhood is the bleakest thing it makes me laugh so hard how bleak so much all your childhood stories people are at home and the guy's just going oh god um what's the saying i getting beat up so beating each other up and and he went how are you lads? Making effort. I didn't know what to do but my mate did.

My mate was like, are we not making effort? He fucking levelled us. Just tossed us around like a fucking empty track suit. It's like I've fucking lynched

off my buddy Paul. I'm not talking to him anymore. Fucking, he saw he's out, didn't he? He got out of that one

but lost a friend scratched him off my Christmas card list and that way my bread's but not my ball you think you know a guy yeah

oh fuck I used to trade pugs for that couldn't you fucking act nice like you like us just want me fucking swaps you keep the shit in them

As a first chance you get Oh Can I Thanks for the permission I was gonna anyway You said yes This actually makes it Look a bit better on me

It's a little bit of a fucking Free pass If anything Should probably get away with it This actually makes it look a bit better on me. It's a little bit of a fucking free pass. But if anything, I should probably get away with it. Do you want some more water or the kettle? You've brought the water. You've not boiled it, though. I went upstairs because the kitchen's upstairs.

What was that story about the time that you and your mate went to the restaurant and picked each other's courses? Oh, yeah, hold on. Let's finish this thought. I brought down a jug of water but there was no jug to bring further the water so I brought the kettle. Why? Why not?

Use the kettle as a jug. I'm glad we get it. Why didn't they want to do that? The jug as well as the kettle? We can just use it as a kettle. It's fully functional. Swiss army kettle. Do what you want with it. Everything's a kettle if you're brave enough. Do what you want with it And we've been together For three months So We've said

One of the things That tickled me properly The other day All dogs lead to Rome All dogs lead to Rome All rooms go to heaven And then the other day On stage I said something That made myself Nobody in the audience Laughed I was confused All dogs lead to Rome. All Romes go to heaven. And then the other day on stage,

I said something that made myself, nobody in the audience laughed. I was confused. You think I was just confused? It made me laugh so hard, I just went, I can't remember what I was talking about, I was like,

I've never been in a fight. I bleed like a peach. You bleed like a peach? Instead of bruise? I bleed like a peach. You bleed like a peach. Kiss like a peach. like a peach kiss like a peach so me and Dyer

used to your friend Dyer yeah named after his chat diabolical so we would pick each other's meals at the

at the curry house and would stitch each other up. Like somehow, I don't even know how it was on the menu, but he bought me a full trout as a starter and it hadn't been boned. I was picking trout off the bone

for my starter. And for his drink, I got him a pint of boiling water to have with his curry. Asked him not to boil the rice, but I wouldn't. Can I have the rice uncooked please I'm like Oh baby I like it raw

Did they do it? Yeah they did I was like Bring me boiled water Take it yourself Bring me Bring the own rice next time How would you like your rice

can I get mine rare please so em I got battered off me mate so like a pussy I went and snitched obviously

put grass on him singing like a canary felt Mrs McGonagall on him aye so em I was I did I didn't listen to this

the ginger snitch the ginger snitch so there I was in IT which was playing with typewriters the age I am

so I was in IT I was being naughty in fact I'll tell you what happened I was looking at Jenny McCarthy on the internet another model

playboy model me press control and P print Newt next to the teacher fucking printed the picture of Jenny McCarthy next to the teacher fucking so I just had a look

on the little you know where you can tell who's been using the printer 96 Humphreys K who could that be I don't know where that is fucking

deft is at the class right I'm in the corridor in the class and I look through the window the class opposite and there's fucking Andrew Winters making eye contact with me

I go oh for fuck's sake so yeah I says is it a miss if you can't get out of so yeah I says I miss if he can get out of the toilet I says if he can go to the toilet and he comes up to the corridor

and he probably picked us up by our top and put us up against the wall like probably a cliche like stuffed us in a locker gave you a wedgie he was a wedgie yeah I flushed my head

down the toilet gave you a wet willy blew you yeah he wet me baby's arm yours is more like a baby's finger. So there he goes, we're going to the wild ride. And I wet myself.

I let a bit of weight out. I had a little piss. I fucking, I just got off because I snitched on him. I'm fucking telling this again. I'm just pissing. But it was alright. I got on with my day Because everyone just thought I stunk of piss anyway

Because I was ginger So no one bat an eyelid But then I felt this last time Yeah Jill What had happened And she snitched She told her boyfriend

Who was in Yeah Like the Top year That's why I was saying It was a nonce Because she was in my year He was like

Sixth form or something So I think it made him like statutory oh you know he's a good lad i didn't want to cast any aspersions but i didn't think what he was doing was legal so he was going with this last in my ear he's a good good lad a tough hard lad and um he battled went as aloe I would say at the school All over means all over all over he just chinned him

he just kicked him running I was just stood over him he was specs on he was big change of hair fucking Debo got knocked the fuck out so

I walked around that school like I had a fucking S on my chest because fucking Mala had batted me bully but

but then at the end of the year he obviously he left because he'd finished and then Winters. But then at the end of the year, he obviously left because he'd finished. Oh, yeah? And then Winters was going to be the hardest in the school. Fucking changed schools, didn't I? Got into Dodge.

That one of my chips are stacked. I was winning. I was fucking twatting him. He got battered all over. Then next thing you know, I'm out the back door. You know, Superman runs away from a fight. Big batter man at once, fucked off forever.

Am I already winning? I don't know. I'll fucking check, forever. I already win it. Oh, fucking... Checkmate. Hold on. Right. We'll pause it there. They wouldn't have known that. They would have just went straight from...

Why'd you snitch? You were just a snitch. Seamlessly from Bandit. They were just, hello again. You're a snitch in every part of your life. They didn't have to know. I'm not. Aren't they?

They would have guessed. Nah. Stop patronising them. Of course I would have fucking realised oh I was fucking trying to win them over right should we go for our first game

ask them what do you think guys should we go for our first game that sounded like yes Daniel we're going to play Muggle Corner

for those of you who have not listened Muggle Corner is basically Muggle is a term that is in the Harry Potter world but me and Kai use it to describe

people that we think are just a little bit ready salted. Yes, a little bit boring and ordinary. Just not many thoughts passing between their eyes. But they've got a certain programming, certain outputs they do that are noticeable.

They've got tells. The thing is, you can do some of these muggle things. We're guilty of some of them as well. It doesn't mean you're a muggle, because you don't do it all the time, but this is just telling you that you probably, if you do this, you're a bit fucking bland. Yeah. You match your socks.

Yeah, and everything you have to do, you have to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds if you're guilty of one of the things. Yeah, and we're often guilty of the things that we put forward. I'm going to go for some controversial ones today. Oh, yeah. You do that. You do. You've got very... for some controversial ones today. Oh, yeah. You do that. You do.

You've got very... All right. Ones that need a little bit of discussion. All right. Muggles are scared of flying. Aye. Aye. Yeah.

Because you can... You know, when you... When you... I was talking to Eric about this today. When you get scared in a flight, it's like if something bad happens. Like, so if the airplane starts making a noise off the fucking the hostess starts running and straps

herself in that's when you should get panicked and scared but don't just generally be there it's just like don't get me wrong

sometimes I'm like if I'm in a flight and you go through a bit of turbulence it always crosses your mind I always think I may die

it's a little bit of logic I'm going to be a bitch about it I may die fucking so what loads of people die I can't do it.

I'll do it in my sleep. I'll do it while screaming. Ah! I'm going to die! I could die with my eyes closed. It's easier that way, actually. Cross a road. Your leg's closed.

I just, yeah, like... Does that mean it's the getty cat? People are just like like I can't fly I'm too scared I'm like oh shit like just read the stats

like it is I know it's such a cliche to be like you're more likely to die in a car crash than you are in an airplane crash but that's true

like it's so true yeah I was fucking with Alfie Brown was scared when he was flying at altitude snitched again fucking snitched on everyone

I'll be fucking he's got loose lips he's generally scared of flying and then I just told him a fake fact it was actually from a Stephen King book and I looked it up and it turned out it wasn't a fact a little bit of backstory to my knowledge snitched on Stephen King

lying in his books, lying in his fiction so I told Alfie that if a plane statistically the planes that crash have got more people that have missed that flight as if they're getting

some like unconscious message not to get that flight and I was telling him this fact and the flight that we're on was fucking empty

it was it was two dozen people on like a 50 60 see ya and then Natalie found an eyelash on my cheek and she put it in front of us on her finger and went make a wish and blew the eyelash away and went I wish this play would crash I was such a Such a girl

Just terrified On that I just don't Be scared of someone real Like moths And velvet Like I am You're scared of velvet

I can't touch velvet Why Fucking It's like nails down a chalkboard for me Do you remember that time We were gigging in Cardigan And they put like a velvet cover Over the fucking table

And you were out on stage Before me And you touched it and you were like I guarantee I'm just telling your audience I wasn't watching you there's better things to do

and you were like she said to them Sloss won't be able to touch this table and sure enough when I came out without any cue from you I was just like

and they knew what was going on it just freaks me the fuck out and I was like I don't like moths just because like well I'm going to start getting velvet underwear.

Stop you fucking wearing them. Stop wearing me underwear. Stop leaving them in my mouth. I'm seen. Oh, but bad form mode. Stop wearing me... Stop wearing me... Stop wearing me underpants.

You're stretching them. You're a been get cock you stretch out the back of mine just by shitting them aye you're fucking brave wearing my boxers

fuck you think we're dirty bandage they're all the same like it's Calvin Klein ones aye aye but I've got them too.

There's movies that we cross them over. No, but yours are different ones. How? I don't know. Yours are G-strings. They're lazy numbers. They're not women's. I remember when I wore women's perfume.

Oh, yeah. In Vegas. We were out in Vegas for the first time. We got to UFC with Anderson Silva via Chris Whiteman too. you oh yeah in vegas we were out in vegas for the first time good like ufc with anderson silver via chris whiteman too and we we get to the hotel and we're gonna go see our friends and kai comes out the bathroom and i'm like i'm like smells like girl in here he's like what i'm like buddy i'm not accusing you of anything but do you smell like girl like i'm not and i know you wouldn't cheat but you smell you're like no no i can't smell i'm like you definitely smell like girl something

i smell you and i go through the bathroom and there is a there's a fucking thing of perfume sitting there i'm like i think it's probably this fucking perfume you were like oh it's mine i was like what do you have girls perfume he's like oh it's not girls i'm like it's in a love heart no it was like a love kn mine and I was like what do you have girls perfume he's like oh it's not girls I'm like it's in a love heart no it was like a love knuckle and it was like that sleek

bottle it was clearly perfume he's like it's not perfume I was like who got you and he's like oh my dad got me it

and I was like your dad bought you perfume he's like no it's aftershave I was like what did your dad say when he gave it to you he went

oh your mum said it's your dad's favourite and I was like yeah on her I got it and went it's your dad's

favourite but I just thought it was his favourite aftershock and that was finale you open your

girls presents and start wearing them snitch so I wore this fucking perfume because as well

when we bumped into Brett and Brett was like someone smells like a tartan bag I thought he was just mocking that I had a lot of aftershave on no you actually do

smell like a tartan bag yeah and then we done loads of stuff we went to the gun range we done like manly stuff smelling like pussy and er met Bisping I met Michael Bisping

I met Michael Bisping got to cuddle up him got to put my arm around him for a photo and all that borrowed a little in good snap he wiped me I don't even know why I'm horny

I don't know why I don't know why I'm just eluded by that man he smells like Kev's wife asking the other fitness can't see if she smells like Kev's wife asking the other fitness can't see if she smells like Linda she calling myself a she in my own skin

best big rips you so do you agree muggles are scared of flying pussies you wimps chicken shits what's your one muggles camp out for concert tickets

we've done this one was there another one? I've done one. I went for, oh, mine was for movies. Oh, did you?

Aye. Yeah, well, fucking previously on Muggles and Creams. But no, yeah, I'll totally agree. Like,

everything's online. Because, well, why don't, when you camp out for a concert ticket, the reason I brought this up was like, I've gotten concert tickets before that I sought after it

when we got the M&M tickets for Wembley. You just did it online. Aye. Your dad camps out for a concert ticket the reason I brought this up was like I've gotten concert tickets before that I sought after when we got the M&M tickets for Wembley you just stayed online your dad camps out for tickets in his bedroom just refreshing the screen with the tent but in the actual tent

campfire going outside in the garden I used to love camping in the garden I say just hoping you get my license it's because my dad wouldn't let us in sometimes

you've got to be pissing your pants at school Aye, same. Oh, this is from Vint. Just hope you get my message. It's because my dad wouldn't let us in sometimes. You gotta piss your pants at school. No sort of main pisses our pants at school. Get in the tent in the garden. Fucking make sure you book M-tickets for us. Stop fucking looking at pictures of Jenny McCarthy. We pervert. Aye, if you camp out for music tickets,

you're absolutely a muggle get in the corner for 30 seconds and camp out in the corner aye muggles watch the Eurovision

song contest oh and they tweet about it aye and it's what it is we watch it ironically

nah you're a muggle mate you're a muggle you watch it because people are watching it and you can nod at them

aye you can do those tweets they get like 30 retweets and 60 likes but only by and be like oh we watch it did you watch that yeah did you watch it you can do those tweets that get like 30 retweets and 60 likes but only by a certain amount of people

like it's good for a bit but yeah feel it's nah Eurovision are they even good are we gonna be allowed

in that after Brexit oh no we're gonna have to have Chucklevision I don't know what happened I just spun a word

we burned when Kai you need this and I said Chucklevision he Why did I get there? I don't know what happened. I just spat out a word. My brain went, Kai, you need this? And I said, Chucklevision? He went, that's not what I wanted. I don't even know how my brain works sometimes. Which was one of the muggle corners from previously on Muggins and Creams. And stuff that you actually say all the time. I don't know how my brain works sometimes. So, have you ever watched the Eurovision Song Contest? Brainwashed some names. So, have you ever watched the Eurovision Song Contest? Nah. Never.

I remember there was like, I remember one year there was big hype because Gina G, who was just a little bit, who was a little bit more. Fucking she took the world by storm. Tang Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang. Huh? Tang Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang.

They're a different one. Yeah. What do you think I am? Is that not from the 60s? Who are you? Tang Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang. Is it not like? Nah, it's like the 90s, you-ee-ah-ting-tang-wa-la-la-bang-bang. Is it not like... No, it's like the 90s, you dumb cunt.

What's it off? The cartoonies. Are they not called the Toonies, the Loonies? The Goodies? No. Ooh-ee-ah-ting-tang... Shazam it. Right, I'll sing it.

You shazam it. Ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ah-ooh-ah-wa-la-la-bang-bang. Okay. That wasn't even close. Well, at least it took the attention away from Chucklevision. You definitely saved it with that one. I made a diversion. It's Brexit.

You can't be in the Eurovision in the Brexit. I was told to be in the Champions League. Question? Yeah. We're still in Europe as a continent. Oh, yeah. Geoffrey. See, yeah. Fucking dipshit. Geoffrey.

Geoffrey. See, that would get him a Jeff shit. Just like the week when I was pretending that you could go on Facebook and he'd knock you out. Oh, you fucking dipshit. It was like when you had an old phone. You couldn't have emojis. What would you do? How are you getting on Facebook and he'd knock you out?

Can we not do replays from the previous episode, please? Oh, I'm just nostalgic. I remember. Remember. Right, Eurovision Song Contest. In the Muggle Corner. Muggle Corner, me. Me, me. Right, your vision song contest. In the Muggle Corner. Muggle Corner, yeah. Absolute backs of shit.

What about getting the name on the back of your shirt? Unless you're a football player, fuck off. Aye. Oh, wait, no, I've got it. No, take it back. I had to. What a cool thing to do. Aye.

So I got, I think I went one step Muglier. I had a nickname on the back of my shirt. So does mine. Mine says Slausage on the back of mine and 25 because it was for my 25th birthday. It was for my parents. My parents bought me a shirt with the name of my dick on the back of it and the name of my dad's dick. Is that Slausage Junior? No. Is that Slausage Senior?

No, I size him for a quid. Is this Lusitania Junior? No. Is this Lusitania Senior? No, I'll size them for a quid. So I had Kai Busch. Aye. On the back of my number 8 Barcelona top.

Barcelona? Barcelona, number 8 Kai Busch. That was me. That's the avatar I made myself that day. I used to, no, I think it's always been, I just slossed, but Sloss But yeah I'll agree with that Like sports tops I do like them though As jammies But I'll agree it's Mugley

Like He's dressing up as Somebody who kicks a ball Dressing up as a player Aye You're going to like Dress up as Harry Potter Dress as Harry Potter there

Aye You've been through this You did this This is more previously Aye I did that when I was Fucking 14 But we've discussed it

On the fucking podcast So I fully agree So does your mam Know slussage Is the name of your penis Aye Did she not just say slussage Because it's like a funny word

No she did She's not just Tired of being a cock Aye Well because I did it As a joke And she's seen it On my stand up

She named it I call mine I call mine soldier I call mine Soldier. Dipping in eggs. I dip in my girlfriend's eggs in the morning. And he's a little soldier. He stands at attention. First from the hip.

He's got a helmet. Marches into battle. He's shot a bunch of Syrian kids. So he pretends to be dead. He normally comes over the head because he's too scared to kill them. Can often be seen in the trenches. Like a trench foot?

He's homeless begging on the streets. That's what I call him, soldier. He's got PTSD PTSD People laughed in public then Someone was holding the handle on the tube Just did a little laugh Made eye contact with a couple of people What are you listening to? Muggins and Cream

Which one are you listening to? Iuggins and Cream oh me too oh hi which one are you listening to I'm listening to the one where Kai got fucking bitched by that muscly guy oh you don't know where he snitched

every five seconds no it's the theme Muggins and Snitch there's loads of graffiti around Blythe now with people to snitch do you know that you'll be like

is it you snitching on them there's one Cockney Nickies a grassing bick in this put the C and the T the wrong way around isn't that you snitching on them cockney nickies a grassing bick isn't that them snitching on snitches

snitching snitch snitching it's the part called nicole black so I had snitching on

them for snitching mugs so what was that one you just did oh no I was not making a point

about graffiti oh no I think that's that's what it's called get the name on the back of your shirt do I need to do it now no no

that's it my last one is muggles go live on Facebook yeah like I know again like we agree that

you know posting statuses I really shouldn't be on your fucking feed if I don't want to learn about your life but that's just narcissism to the nth level posting statuses I really shouldn't be on your fucking feed if I don't want to learn about your life but that's just narcissism to the nth level then what are they doing?

steaming the night out? I don't want this so I've just sat down to have some spaghetti bolognese it's a vlog but it's live, it's not even a vlog and people comment underneath them they're just doing a little banter by themselves,

and someone comments, and they lean over and they read it, and they go, aye, aye, Jeff, aye, you're right, it's a good one, aye, bye, sorry, this is Jeff, he's my friend. Like if they're doing a call-in. Like a cam girl. People make themselves like live Jasmine. It's not doing like striptease, isn't it? Fat dude called that one.

It's like fucking cloth striptease isn't that? Fat dude called that one. It's like fucking clothed muggle babe station. She's like muggle muggle babe station blokes. Oh she's being like

I don't know boys it's just me watching the football. What the fuck are you doing cunt? I can't raise one eyebrow. Look I'll try and raise one eyebrow.

Both of my. I don't know how my brain works. the fuck are you doing cunt i can't raise one eyebrow look i'll try and raise one eyebrow i think if you're a celebrity like the ufc you do it sometimes and that's fine because that's kind of like that's a frequently asked questions it's the mma fighters answering questions fine you're not him like we do it on a punch drunk we'll live stream the wrap up at the end where you like give it up for the acts just to capture the atmosphere at the end of the night Muggles Muggles the lawyer Oh that looks like fun Wish I was there

Where's my invite? Where's my Where's my invite? Right what's your final one? My final one is What that can't read me on writing? Can't you taste your own breath? Tastes like kisses.

Did I tell you today I blew a kiss at someone and sneezed as I was blowing a kiss and nearly knocked them out. Give them whiplash. Fucking kiss just fucking knocked them right in the dish. Dropped their shop.

Hi. Ran towards it, skiffs a cuddle. I was blowing a kiss to a dog. Somebody tripped dish. Jumped that shop. Hi. Ran towards it, scuffed the cuddle. I was pulling a kiss to a dog. Somebody tripped me up, I accidentally hit a baby. What happened there? I was pulling a kiss to a dog and somebody tripped me up in a mist. You hit a baby right in the lips. You tongue kissed a baby.

Who blows a tongue kiss? Who doesn't? Do like a little snog on your hand Snog your hand Then blow it Sometimes it gets a bit sticky though Because it's wet It doesn't leave your hand

It's got a bit of pressure Do you think you blast your hand And then blow it? Blow it, aye You can blow it on the baby I can't believe you snog your hand And then blow it. Blow it, eh? You can blow it on the baby. I can't believe you snog your hand and you blow it.

I got the hiccups. I actually got the hiccups for the podcast. This is brilliant. Oh, drinking game. You've got to have a shot every time. Daniel, hiccups.

So, eh, Redmond, Poland, when I had the hiccups and I was trying to explain to them that I had the hiccups, and then when I hiccuped, they were like, ah, schnipschnup. Just by the way, full disclosure, it was not schnipschnup. Like a generalisation.

Had the same sound. I'll fucking Google it and I'll guarantee it's nothing but schnipschnup. So every time I hiccuped, I translated it, so I was like, schnipschnup. I've just fucked it up. I've gone, what's hiccups for Polish? Oh no Walk away from the phone while high So my I'm not done with Polish for hiccups

I'm not done, I'm going to keep on talking Now you've put us off You've threw us out of our side Stop stifling your hiccups Here we go I'm talking. Right. Now you've put us off. You've threw us out off the side. Stop stifling your hiccups. Here we go. Shakwa. Shakwa?

That's what I said. That's what I said. No, you said sniff, snuff. I said very sniff, snuff. If I say sniff, snuff people know what I mean. Skiff, scuff. So I started doing my hiccups in Polish. You know, if I say schnafnaf, people know what I mean. Skif-schkaf.

So, I started doing my hiccups in Polish. Stop stifling them! You do a grunt instead of a hiccup? You can break your jaw? You can break your jaw? Would you squeak when you hiccup, you little girl? You can dislocate a jaw brick keeping your hiccups in? You can?

I don't want to be whacking around in a fucking slack jaw cunt through Amsterdam. You've got a wee chop in your hiccups in. You can. I don't want to be whacking a fucking slack jaw cunt through Amsterdam. Got a wee chup in your fucking jaws just hanging. Think of it like it fancies all the prostitutes. Like,

oh, she's dropped it. Stop stifling them. You're going to hate yourself. Oh, right, go. You don't want to be injured.

Busted gut. Um, putting, you're putting your phone on airplane mode for takeoff, for flight. Don't put it on airplane mode for take off for flight don't put it on flight mode

it's fine what if the plane crashes? imagine this way it's going to fly beep beep beep beep beep beep the plane just starts just tech stop

to flight it's the same thing like the other day we were going through at Pyrethor I was filling up the car with petrol and I'm filling it up and it only gets like 25 quid and my tank should take more than that

I'm just like fuck and I'm on my phone the whole time And I go in the woman's like I stopped you I think because you were on your phone And I was like why? She's like because it's dangerous I'm like no it's not Like there's zero science behind it They've proven time and time again That it doesn't fucking cause Like if I was smoking

Fair one She's like well it's company policy I'm like I'll absolutely accept It's company policy As long as you realise That you're fucking wrong Not an explosive heaven The fact that your car rolls in

With cylinders firing Like the spark plugs Right Firing in your car And them sparks are going to be Way more than the Like if all you had to do To blow up a fucking petrol station

Right Was make a phone call Or a text in it Do you not think That's what I said we'd be doing Instead of making their own Fucking bombs All you had to do to blow up a fucking petrol station, right, was make a phone call or a text, innit? Do you not think that's what I said we'd be doing instead of making their own fucking bombs? Just go to any petrol station at rush hour. Free bomb. Yeah, just make a phone call.

Aye. Make a phone call. Aye, as long as you get the dolphin plan away, we'd be fine. Yeah, if you've got lots of minutes. If you've got limited minutes. Some limited bombs. Oh, no, I guess the phone goes up in it, though.

Yeah, yeah. Geoffrey So It was your Geoff thing Airplane mode Yeah I think What am I doing Switch me off then back on again

Hey Daniel turn me on then back on again When they I go to Can you turn your Kindle off for take off I'm like nah it's a book Like unless the... I go up to them and I go, can you turn your Kindle off for take-off? I'm like, nah, it's a book. Like, unless the book I'm reading is How to Blow Up a Plane While It's Taken Off. Do you want us to turn your watch off as well?

Your watch is ticking, do you want us to stop this? Fucking muppet. Come here and say that. You what, mate? You having a giggle? You having a laugh? You mag? Oh.

So yeah, if you're using aeroplane mode for aeroplanes I fully agree with all those so let's just go through and if you've done any of these things get in the corner for 30 seconds if you are scared of flying

in the corner for 30 seconds if you watch Eurovision even if it's ironically get in the fucking corner muckle if you go live on Facebook go live and

but you standing in the fucking muggle corner, like, live Facebook, you standing in the corner, like the fucking muggle you are, yeah, shame the devil, with your Annie,

that you only see at Christmas, being like, oh, you look dead sexy, hot, hot, hot, hot,

hot, and it's kind of like, it's weird, it's weird that she'd say that, but like, you like the compliment, so you just take it, yeah,

thanks Annie, kiss, muggle fuck, enjoy the corner, was that all he was? Aye, sealed it off with a hiccup, that but like you like the compliment so you just take it yeah thanks annie kiss yeah i'll go fuck enjoy the corner is that was all yours all right sealed it up with a hiccup uh come out for concert tickets you might have already done your 30 seconds if you've done your time then i wouldn't sweat it uh people like get their name on the back of their shirt like they gotta get a call up oh my god i've got my gear I was waiting for this call and it happens

I'm not gonna dust off this whole thing I'm glad my phone wasn't on silent fucking name on your top and what's the last one putting your phone on aeroplane mode

alright just getting texts as far as you can I was texting not June take off I was up in the air texting the pilot what are you up to I was texting, not doing take-off. I was up in the air, sending texts. Texting the pilot, what are you up to?

I don't know what you're wearing. What are you wearing? My boxers as well, you as well. Fucking everyone wear my boxers. No, they're not going through them. God, they're getting worse. Right, shall we have a spliff? Stand on your head for 30 seconds.

Stand on it? Yeah, stand on it. With your feet. Stand on your head before I do. Do you recognise the acrobat version of trying to suck your own dick? Stand on your head. Right, that's it. Let's go for a joint. Pause.

And we are back. Back and floating on the ceiling. I's go for joint. Pause. Oh, and we are back. Back and floating on the ceiling. We've got a couple of games. Are we going to go for newphemisms? What are we doing newphemisms on this week's show, Cream? So the newphemisms is a game we play where we come up with new euphemisms for things that we think need new euphemisms. So we've gone for newphemisms for penises,

euphemisms for vaginas, and euphemisms for getting high. And let's start off with the euphemisms for getting high. You want to start with that one? Aye. Because your mum inspired this one. Aye. So this is basically,

I was texting my mum the other week, and I was asking, because we're in Amsterdam, and she obviously knows that I'm going to get high off my fucking box and she was asking about if like last time she saw me smoking weed in front of her she was like oh you sparked up

in front of me and I was like sparked up you're fucking adorable she was like is that not cool to say and I was like well no I think the problem is once you're over the age of 45 nothing you say sounds cool she was like well you and Kai were there dobbing a floobie or whatever you call it. Dubbing a floobie? So we've just been dubbing a floobie.

Mum's inspired this game. So I am as baked as a potato. Nice. Yes, you are. I am cumulonimbus. I'm proper rift off me schnooster. I'm smugging me chops off. I'm gad Rift off me schnooster I'm smugging me chops off I'm gadzooked

I'm connecting to the mainframe I'm as high as Biscuit tin That's good Well I'm turning up gravity Nephroisms for Penises I'll go first

The noblisk The noblisk The obelisk Nymphomysms for penises. I'll go first. The noblisk. The noblisk. The obelisk. What's an obelisk again? Like a big thing. Dictionary description. The toddler's thumb.

A snake that lost a lot of weight recently but kept the skin. Spoon and prong. The vole's nose. Neptune's anchor. The fountain of youth. Satan's sabre. Right, and then finally, nephronisms for vaginas.

You go first. Dusty SNnez Cartridge. Because you're blowing it when it's not working. The Slug's Mouth. The Wishing Well. Flappy Gilmore. The Seaman's Tomb. Evander Holyfield's Ear.

Oh, God. Chewed. Bloody. In the middle of a box. In Mike Tyson's mouth. The business lounge. Oh, no, we're done The Trolls and Ostril

Oh that's where we are The Wallet of Trust The Wallet of Trust You can make a deposit on it Right we're on now 40 minutes And we've only got Your dad jokes yet

So we should probably Fucking Talk to each other Aye Should we play rock paper scissors Just live Live on the waves we should probably fucking talk to each other aye should we play rock paper scissors just live live on the waves we'll live stream it

aye put it on facebook live play rock paper scissors for a bit just being like oh I should have gone rock and then you should

have gone rock people will be guessing my inside bits morning change plans start a book I got odds on six to one that he's going to play paper nah he always plays a paper second got odds on six to one that he's going

to pay paper nah he always plays a paper second that's his tactic go rock let them get whatever I've patented him

I've patented him I've worked him out so we've got this game as well it's another game just something that we do because we're friends

every time we're playing a game of something main games if we're playing every time we're playing a game of something main games if we're playing a game of something like shuffleboard and like who goes first

we go right I'll flip a coin and I'll get an imaginary coin and flip it and then let Daniel guess and I'll put it on my hands and then pretend to lose even though there's no coin

no coin I'll flip the no coin and you'll call tails and I'll go ah damn tails you can go first we play shuffleboard no coin, I'll flip the no coin and you'll call tails and I'll go, oh, damn tails. You can go, Terry, you can go first. We played chapel board a lot yesterday.

Yeah, got competitive. Oh, this is what I can tell them. You'll be interested to hear this. I woke up in Bergen and I lost my crowns,

my money. I had 200 crowns, like 20 quid. I lost that and I hope you're sitting down for this one. Sit down for this one. I lost my crowns, my money. I had 200 crowns, like 20 quid. I lost that. And I hope you're sitting down for this one. Sit down for this one. I lost my laminated leaf. The one that you got in Poland.

I bought the leaf in Poland off the guy dressed as a tree. Through caution to the wind and a leaf. To the wind, gone. How do you look at your leaf if you lost it, though? I'm just turning over my new leaf. Go to bed. I'm in bed. Oops, snitching again.

Snitching again. Lips, lips, kiss, chips. Wet lips, kiss, chips. I lost my Leaf. I'm going to finish this. So I was a bit, I was annoyed because I thought like, because that was me. That was me, that was me lucky 200 crowns. It's no wonder I lost the leaf afterwards.

I lost me lucky. Anyway, that was a little bit that I thought would work. I was annoyed. So when we were playing shuffleboard, which is this awesome game, a little bit like carpet balls, but on a table. Picture that. That's what it is. Picture that. Wrong, but nice try. And I thought, I want me 200 crowns back. but on a table picture that that's what it is picture that

wrong but nice try and I thought I want me 200 crowns back so I bet Danny 200 crowns that I'd beat him and I did

so I got me 200 crowns back and I was like great I'm back reset back to zero and I was like well I'm not back to zero because I've still lost my leaf and I bet Danny

a laminated leaf that whoever wins the game on shuffleboard would laminate the other person a leaf at some point nice so I've got to laminate

my leaf and I beat him also while we're on these updated main things none of you can't submit as a muggle stamp yet I know one of you

has a computer make us a muggle stamp you don't we give you this glorious podcast you can't fucking fuck around an opportunity

you can put it on your CV aye made the muggins and cream muggle stamp aye put it on your logo yeah get a graphic design job right at the top aye the muggins and Cream muggle stamp? Aye. Put it on your logo? Yeah, graphic design job right at the top.

Aye. Dean Muggins and Cream? Who's your favourite? Well, you know, Cream. I got told by someone on Twitter the other day that I sound too Scottish on this podcast. Do you think they thought I was you? Nah.

Because I was an American? I think it's because I say I all the time. Yeah. Aye. Yeah. Hi. Hi. Maybe you do. Now you're going to notice it every time

you say I now. Hi. I told my dad, my dad had this thing where he said sort of like, after everything he said, so he'd be talking

about sort of like the PlayStation game that he sort of like has been playing on and I'd tell him about that and then he caught himself doing it

a couple of times. Yeah, I went and said, seen now he doesn't do it Salt Lake stopped Salt Lake stopped doing the Salt Lake now that I've pointed out how often I say it's going to be like

a fucking metronome in the back of this podcast yeah now we've pointed out to them as well so it's getting right on that tribe so you've got to

laminate me a leaf I've got to laminate you a leaf where else has this happened? I feel like we're I mean we could just go into your dad jokes And then just do really long plugs at the end Yeah

Sorry guys This is what happens So favourite game Your dad jokes Where me and Kai tell each other The cold hard facts About each other's fathers Yep Ladies first Your dad and Kai tell each other the cold hard facts about each other's fathers.

Ladies first. Your dad self-slap Your dad has molars for front teeth. Tooth like a cow your dad puts a carrier bag over his hair when he runs to the car while it's

raining your dad buys the pet fish a present on Christmas your dad sleeps with the light on your dad kisses his toes goodnight

his little bed Your dad sleeps with the light on. Your dad kisses his toes goodnight. His little piggy went to bed. He went to bed. This little piggy tries to get away. Chasing it round and round. All the way up, mum. Your dad's Twitter handle is at Red Hot Ice Queen. Everyone tweet him.

Your dad killed the family dog by feeding it too much fish food. I don't reckon the presents he buys is fish or a present. I think it's like paid off for all the fish food he's been getting offered it's payment

oh yeah we'll play this your dad puts his purse in his bra this one's a great one if I do say so myself swirling it round the glass enjoying the flavour say so myself. Swirling around the glass. Enjoying the flavour. Just notice the full body of this joke.

Your dad doesn't wipe back to front or front to back. He wipes it in and out, side to side and clockwise. In and out. Wipes it up in and out. I've never been in and out. Except, why, unless he's in Australia. Yeah. You know, if you're sarcastic in Australia, they'd roll their eyes the other way.

Your dad got to the semi-final of a kissing competition I won You knocked him out For kissing him Oh man Your dad makes shadow puppets With his feet And then wanks to it How many hands has he got? To his feet

Oh yeah I panicked You think it's a chimp? Your dad's Budgies have died. Which I don't know if you know what that means, because it may be a blive saying. It may just be me. It means your pants are too short.

If your pants are short and your socks are shorn, your budgies have died. Don't get it. I don't know why it's a thing, but it's something that we say. You're wrong. It's not our terminology, lexicon. Your budgies have died.

Your dad's budgies have died. Right. Tell him to get some new trousers. Text him. Text your dad and tell him his budgies have died. Your dad is scared of trains, so they let him sit up front and meet the driver. Your dad was asleep over at his mate's house.

His mate's mum had a ring to get him collected because he'd wet the bed in the middle of the night and this was last week your dad eats pistachios whole your dad licks his lips before kissing you goodnight rubs his belly

when he's finished I couldn't have another bite go on then one more one for the road one on his cheek and the lips your mum has to spray your dad with water Whenever he tries to suck himself off

Turn the hose on him Your dad dips his snickers in his tea If you know what I mean Your dad sneezes upwards and catches it in his mouth what does that say oh yeah

your dad takes coke off your uncle's chest that's the end of your dad jokes I've got another one Oh fucking sneaky drawers I just got a little Got carried away Your dad spanks himself

When he's on the mechanical bull Oh god We've got ten minutes to fill Oh should we do it? Sing Sing Bad boys Bad boys Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do When your dreams come true Oh, God. We've got ten minutes to fill. Oh, should we do it? Sing. Sing? Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Whatcha gonna do when your dreams come true? Oh, this is what we could talk about. It's all the words to songs that we've gotten wrong in the past. Because remember, you're... Sing the song with the... My love ain't got no money, he's got his trombolies. Can I start singing that? Because he genuinely thought the words were... My love ain't got no money, he's got his trombolies. And what is a trombolese. Can I start singing that? Because he genuinely thought the words were My love ain't got no money. He's got

his trombolese. And what is a trombolese kind? Trombolese? I think it's an instrument. What? It's not. It's like a brass. It's a brass variety. It's not. This guy's got the saxophone. He's playing the tuba. This guy's on the trombolese. And over here's James on the trumpet. There's no way trombolese

is a...umbullis my love it got no man my woman was there clowns to the left of me jokers to the right here I am

stuck in this medley do 15 years that's how I sang it did you really think it was that aye or was that just

something you said to be kooky no I'm not fucking feeling for friends feel so empty Trumbullis now this looks like a Tr. I feel so empty, Trumbullies. Now this looks like

a Trumbullies, so everybody, just Trumbullies because we need a little Trumbullies because it feels so empty, Trumbullies. That's what I thought it was

for ages, for years, without me. But was your face red? By the way, Trumbullies is true beliefs. Yeah.

It's got its true beliefs. Yeah. Not Trumbullies. Not Trumbullies. I don't think people thought it was Trumbullies considering it's not stuck in the middle with you

smidly do stuck in the middle with you there was one the Eminem one which is if you want I'll show you this as well I'll give you

a little bit of wee mixed with some hard liquor just thought he was painting people's drinks mad cunt wee and hard liquor aye just fucking legend

just mad on the set aye just drinking it like just pissing in a drink whisky on the rocks on the cocks and as well I thought

palms are sweaty knees are sweaty arms are sweaty there's sweat on his sweater already his arms are sweaty he's sweaty but on the surface he looks hot and sweaty

drip sweat that's what I thought it was I think we've got to stop now I mean there was I think we've got to stop now I mean there was a classic episode there was a

lot of zingers in there I got the hiccups that's never happened before it's my first time

you've got the cherry if you want to remember the first so we will just plug the tour dates

and the reason I'm slowing down because you haven't got the book in your hand so we've got

two days off so we're going to be rolling around kissing kissing just rolling around the floor going to be rolling around

Amsterdam with the boys a couple of shandies right so then we on the 2nd of November we are in Dusseldorf

in Germany still plenty of tickets left to that so please you it worked for Sweden so I'm telling you now, Germany,

fucking up your game, cunts. Two days. The 3rd of November, we are in Kluge, Transylvania. On the 4th of November, we are in Bratislava,

Slovakia. Oh, we're going to be able to go to Brandcastle, Transylvania. Can I go to the castle, Dad? You didn't finish your last castle? Come on,

I'll be good. No, you should have the castle before we left. Oh, man, I left some for my sister. you didn't finish your last castle come on be good should I have the castle before we left oh man I left some for my sister 4th November Bratislava Slovakia

5th November Vienna Austria which I would be very surprised if that does not sell out soon you're always

a stellar audience as are you Prague on the 6th of November and by then we'll have done another fucking podcast we'll give you

all the other dates. Alright, wish us luck. Aye. Leave us good reviews, on iTunes, and, Just on walls.

Just right, graffiti it. Just muggins and cream on your local pisser. Yeah. Aye. Just put my number on some bathroom walls. It's 07, 86, 27, I mean, it's 07 86

27 I mean it's not yeah just let's stitch some more up yeah if any of our friends which we should do whoever it is the holidays

Jeff will just read out their number on this podcast and then the six people that will listen will phone them yeah get a text off me ma'am my ma'am doesn't have the internet

no alright give us good views go and do stuff live your life and we will no doubt we will have

fucking stories by Thursday if we spend the next two days getting absolutely fucking mangled in Amsterdam I've been cream

he's been muggins muggins out cream in me now