Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Flashback #5 Both Best Men

Episode Date: December 19, 2020

Another from the archives with a rare appearance from the pincer  Original Text: Muggins and Cream are Europe bound for part 2 of the tour so used their Sunday off to get drunk. Matty joins the podcast to duke it out with Cream over who is the best Best man but ends up being a victim of overshare as they discuss conquests from a previous life. 

flashback number five already halfway through the flashback series where we're providing you with a rerun of an old school podcast every day in the build-up of christmas for some seasonal nostalgia on this episode set in october 2017 we are joined by a rare appearance from the pincer matthew canning joins us late in the podcast at the time of recording daniel and matthew had just both been selected as my best men so we went out on the drink to celebrate and when we got back into the flat we pressed record, recorded a podcast

it's a bit of drunk and fun and I think you'll all enjoy it. Here we go back down memory lane. Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head

That makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, Muggles Accidental rip job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or a majestude cynical

Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? Beans, beans, the music of fruit The more you mug, the more you cream We've done this Haven't done that? Alright, Natalie's broke I'm ready, did you notice that?

Just going to get seven muggins as a bad cream Neither of those work Well, let's get on with the podcast I bet that's what you want The well run drive, real quick on this one I commit it hard and early No, no, no No, I'm going to bring you

I'm going to make you answer for your crimes you're like you're like harvey weinstein okay you've got you've got right so harvey weinstein was basically he's a american tv film producer and he did a bunch of molesting some would say too much molesting has this joke been done yet? What? Harvey Wangstein. It has not. So go. You've got free rate. Go ahead. Harvey Wangstein.

There we go. Right. You are the Harvey Wangstein of this podcast. You've gone away with too much shit for too long and finally

brave women like me are standing up against against against the horrible raping of this podcast that you are doing. We've ruined this podcast in one minute.

All right. Right. In my defense. Oh, classic Harvey Weinstein. I'm trying to fix my right ear. You're an addict. You're an addict to shit banner. I tried to fix my right ear.

I broke my left one. Well, my second from the right. So your ears are still fucked. Yeah. But now I'm worse than fucked. You made them worse? Yeah. It's almost as if your ears are blocked, jamming your fingers in them constantly

and being like, this will help. Ruins them. No, I went to boots. Sorry, just let me know, what was the year that you got your doctorate in? Me which one? Your doctorate. Doctorate?

Aye. Oh, me medical doctorate. Yeah, when did you get your doctorate? Oh, which one? Your doctorate. Doctorate? Aye. Oh, me medical doctorate. Yeah, when did you get your doctorate? Oh, I got it off the internet. And at any point during that internet doctorate did it say,

jam your thumbs in your ears every five minutes while shouting, I still can't hear, will cure your deafness? I went in boots. Right?

Right. Like all doctors. Yeah. Famously, I'm sorry, Miss Jacqueline, You do have cancer But give me two seconds Thankfully

I've got my boots card So I should be able To get chemo Two for three It's actually Three for the price of two And I'm going to get myself A cheeky meal

You know what's the point Fortunately You got titty cancer And you got fanny cancer But with the three for two deal I'll be able to get A fucking sandwich Out the end of it. By the way, also, I'm very aware that it's not called

Tay or Fanny Cancer. Yeah, where did you get your duck, man? So, I went into Boots, like all good duckers. Aye. And I got myself a couple of items as well, because that's what corporations do to you. Did you walk in there, like, when you're buying condoms and you were disguising the fact that you were deaf,

where you're like, I'll get some ear cleaning stuff but i'll also get a nine inch black dildo and a dog what you know no you know to cover up to cover up there's nothing wrong with me as i'm just having a classic tuesday just to cover the fact that you're buying cucumbers you don't want anyone to know you're buying cucumbers so you buy a lot of gay porn And lube Let's just move over the fact that you can't buy dildos and dogs from Boots Oh not anymore And that's because I get into three shops before you Right So I went in

And I got a couple of nonsens Laughing at my own joke You're munted by the way You know you're munted. I'm not munted. You started a fight with a cyclist. No, I started a fight with several cyclists. Yeah.

Are you asking where his man was? Because he was on a bike. No, look. There was a group of youths. You were clapping. No, no, no. He was like, I'm going to chip you or some shit. Well, not chip.

So we all went for a lovely lunch today. Me, your other half. Sorry, said myself twice. Me, you, your fiancé. Some bloke called Matty. You're best, Matty. Oh, I'll fucking jib you. Elliot Steele.

We all went for lunch. We had a lovely lunch. We had a quite boozy lunch. We had a fair bottle of wine. Some more than others. Just because you're a fucking slow drinker. We had a fair bottle of wine. Some more than others. Just because you're a fucking slow drinker. Actually, everyone had the same amount.

I was just drinking wine. But by the third wine, you were drinking from the bottle. You were standing at the table. You thought it was coyote ugly. You were shouting, hell no, H2O. Like the opposite of Adam Sandler and Waterboy. So we're there. We're having a fair few drinks. We come outside,

having a bit of banner and there's a group of about 12 youths and the thing I hate about myself is I've got to the age where I can call them youths. I used to be called a youth. It doesn't exist anymore. There were 12 youths.

That's the only way I can describe them as on fucking bikes. They were shooting something as well. There was cameras set up and they were cycling by. Some of them were pulling wheelies. And they were all just sitting there

and every one of them was just a fucking chair but none of them could spell the word zoo like none of them mattered like look i'm not even though it's the favorite magazine all of them fucking sucked right and i'm just sitting there i'm slightly drunk and they're all looking at me and i'm like you don't get to pretend you're better than me because you're on two wheels so at one of them i just shout they were all looking at me and I'm like, you don't get to pretend you're better than me because you're on two wheels. So at one of them, I just shout, they were all sitting hanging out,

all these 16 year olds hanging out, fucking throwing stones at each other and I went, where's your mum? And one guy went, fucking what,

cun? And I was like, he went not to gangster in a second. But the thing was, he went not to gangster. Now don't get me wrong, had they all gone

not to gangster in two seconds, I would have very seriously questioned what i just said yeah but clearly peddled off and left him i know but clearly but clearly i had insulted the elliot steel of the group right i said where's i i said where's your mom everyone cycled off not paying attention this guy was like what'd you say and i was like i mean i could take one of you where's your mum he's like I'll fucking get you as he's like

how can I take you seriously if your bike has a fucking basket on the front do you reckon hardly Davidson members have ever walked down denim jackets with two fucking baguettes

hanging over the front being like mum likes cheese shut up cunt ding ding ding get out of the way oh no guys stop stop

we can't rob this thing there's a red light guys red light look merger's fine but three points how can any of us drive I was quite away behind you too

and I didn't think you realised that it was me but I turned around and I'm all hooded up because I've I'm rocking the death look with my hood up the same way as someone

that's without a mat and you're also rocking the death look with your physique and general demeanour but being shit banter and scrawny as fuck I mean a big good part You look like a dementor gave you a blowjob

Five minutes ago at all times You look like you recycled the same old banter I've been a dementor since you were 16 14 actually that was when the third book came out Dementors were first introduced I'll have you know pushes glasses up nose Rubbs mark pen scar off forehead That's sad because it's true

It wasn't marker pen though, it was lipstick Mum kissed it on I had to measure up whether I could have beat up that 16 year old and ran before his friends found out But yeah, you were drunk and starting fights in the street I wasn't drunk, it was tipsy You made a leaf fights in the street I wasn't drunk it was tip tea look I could

drive you made a leaf angel in the leaves because it was requested you don't get to be

cameras on we count on you don't get to know you don't get no I was specifically requested

my went make a leaf angel and I went yeah and I want to make the person who's not as involved in the

wedding as I am. Hold on, you're paraphrasing him. What he said is, make a leafy angel, you drunk mug. And then you went, may I? Matty doesn't have a lexicon. Lexicon. He won't understand that word. He's listening, by the way, just for everyone that's there.

Yeah, for all of you listening now, which is all of you. This is a live podcast. Live podcast. We'll have Matty on to defend his honour in about 20 minutes. yeah for all you listening now which is all of you this is a live podcast live podcast we'll have Matty on to defend his honour in about 20 minutes but until then we've got two games

in one name hi ah hi two games in one person without any so back to the point at hand I went to Boots

bought me yeah protection stuff like it was protection well protection I can't remember the name of the shit right but what it is and was the word protection They bought me, yeah, protection stuff. Protection? Well. Protection?

I can't remember the name of the shit, right? But what it is. And was the word protection? Yeah, it's still unblocked, yes. Right. So not protection. It protects them from being blocked. No, they are blocked.

So you want them unblocked. Yes. I want them protected from blockage. Stop being pathetic. No, but you've already had it blocked. So you don't. You're drunk. Stop being so drunk. you're making fun of us on the podcast

fucking lightweight right so I got the little drop Matt you can fuck off with your finger pointing we're in a cap and doors like you're fucking

the head blind version of Stevie Wonder like a something something Dementor so so you get

these eardrops right and you put them in your ears and then it says to block it up with some moist cotton wool

which I had to improvise because I haven't got cotton wool with us so I got some tissue blocked it up

done it in the air right fucking put it in blocked it up you leave it like that for 25 minutes so fucking 25 minutes I'm just fucking

playing on my switch time's up, and you have to get this other thing, which is like a canister, which is like an aerosol can, but it's just full of water, right, and then you put the cap on,

which sprays it, like it comes to a fine point, so it can go in your ear, and wash out your ear. So you put that in, give it a squelch, put it in there, give it a squelch,

wash it out your ears. All that's done, is packed my ears with fluid. Oh, you're still deaf Like worse than deaf Well not worse than deaf To be fair If you were worse than deaf

It would explain how many jokes of mine On this podcast you roll over fucking constantly You would finally have an excuse See the thing is I also About five years ago I had an ear blockage Same sort of thing I just knew I had a lot of earwax so i got that thing you put coconut oil or something in them or almond oil and it breaks up

the thing and then i went to the nhs the glorious nhs and some woman fucking she went i'm gonna clean your ears and they just squirt this thing she does it very professionally gets rid of it when she shows you the thing it's like the worst cup of tea you've ever seen, right? But before that, you don't realize how deaf you are until you've had your ears cleaned. Like, honestly, right? Before that, I thought my hearing was fine. I just knew that, like, I had a lot of wax.

I got my ears cleaned out. She cleaned out all of them, right? I swear to God, my hearing was so good, next time I went to one of your gigs, I could hear the audience laughing. Like, that's how fine and precise it was. It was unbelievable. To be fair...

Finish your thought? No, I was just ripping you. I've been chatting to you guys because when your ears are blocked you can't hear the ambient noise in the place but you can hear your own voice inside your own head so you guys have been telling us I'm too quiet because I'm not compensating for the chicken.

You are. Normally, you have actually gone the polar opposite because normally when you wear noise-cancelling headphones, as I've brought up on podcasts before, you wearing noise-cancelling headphones is the worst thing in the world because you don't realise that it cancels out the outside world, but it doesn't cancel your voice.

So we'll be standing in airports, right? And you'll just be playing Mario Kart and we'll be waiting for our bags and you'll just go, oh, blue shells! And I'm like, just turn it down for a fucking second. This is where you've got it wrong, right? Because you brought this up on the I Love You But.

But when I'm shouting at you when I've got my noise cancelled, it's not because it's cancelling the noise, it's because it's playing sound into my ears that I'm trying to talk over the top of. But when my ears are blocked, like they are now, it cancels out all of the ambient noise, the DJs playing music, there's people chatting,

I can't hear them. So I'm chatting to you as if I'm in a fucking empty room. I'm pitching me volume like I'm in an empty room. But there's actually a lot of shit going on. Nowadays, in the restaurant today, we were having conversations and every time you try to join in with conversation it was like playing chinese whispers and that was only made more offensive by the fact that you constantly do the eyes you know as well there's a part

there's a part because when i was talking i was like even though my ears are fucked i still feel the exact same in my lungs in my throat throat, in my mouth, in my chest, everything that uses to project your voice. It still felt the same as what I normally do. I felt like he was playing a trick on us to make us shout. Because that would be a funny trick. We were just like,

we can't hear you, Kai. That would be good if we were just sitting there being like, Kai, we can't hear you. Say it louder. And he's like, I tell you what, sometimes I do love a dick up the ass.

Why has the music stopped? Why is everyone looking at us? Why is me tinder blue up? I do have to. So we went for lunch today. I owe a semi apology. And by apology, I mean an apology I don't mean any word of. But our very good friend, one of my best friends, Elliot Steele, the glorious Elliot Steele.

One of my closest friends. D Steele, the glorious Elliot Steele, one of my closest friends. Dipshit. Absolute dipshit. He's annoyed by the fact on every podcast I call him a dipshit. That's why I've been doing it. Yeah. If Elliot Steele at any point wants to come on this podcast and defends the fact that he is a thick cunt, the second he comes on this podcast again, please go back and listen to the Elliot Steele podcast where he sounds thick as fuck. He bought a fidget spinner with the lower draft that doesn't smell smell smart man honestly i've seen elliot steel read a kindle and lick his finger before he turns the page he is one of the dumbest

men i've ever met he also licks his finger before and after he wipes he got a coloring book on his ipad i'm not like there was the i think we might have mentioned this on the other podcast but this is elliot steele wait because i i do think elliot is quite into elliot will surprise you with his intelligence and the reason it's surprising is because it's knowledge about the ussr yeah communism or something but the reason it's surprising is it's like seeing a rose in the Antarctic and you're like, oh my god, how could a flower grow here? And you realise someone just

dropped the rose in the Antarctic as opposed to the rose grew there. That's Elliot Steele's intelligence. Somebody dropped knowledge on him and he passes off as his own. It's like, no, no. And Elliot, if you want to defend this at any point, please come back to the podcast and loudly shout at me that I'm thick spelled F-H-I-C-C.

And he's quit drinking. He's quit drinking, which I respect. I mean, I respect it in a certain way. I respect it career-wise, but as a person, I think he's a little bitch. It's actually a tough world to be in the comedy world because every night is a party really, every gig you go to even last night we were in Jersey, we've got a 7 o'clock start

and then the venue manager starts off on with free drinks it's tough to say no, you've got the adrenaline buzz you've got a gin in your hand that you didn't ask for I've heard so many people have hung out with her you don't have to drink at your job and I'm like no I actually do

the reason I drink so much during the fringe isn't because don't get me wrong it is because all my friends are there and it's because I've got the adrenaline pumping the social aspect of it's part but my work for the rest of the year comes from the fact that I meet and hang out with Brett Vincent is a perfect example

one of our closest friends Brett Vincent runs a bunch of festivals. He's a phenomenal agent. Now, don't get me wrong. I know Brett thinks both you and I are very good comics. But Brett also thinks that a lot of people are very good comics. Probably the reason you and I get booked more is the fact that you and I are also very good to fucking drink with. It's because he sees you're a comic that very good to fucking drink with. It's because

he sees you're a comic that's good on stage, but you're good drinking. If I invite you to a festival and you get drunk, you'll still be able to perform. If you're hungover, you'll still be able to perform. This idea that you don't need to drink for your job is fucking bullshit. So if you're booking someone for a festival, you don't want to waste that pass

on someone that's going to be fucking sitting cross-legged writing their fucking poetry during the day. You don't want to waste that pass on someone that's going to be fucking sitting cross-legged right in the fucking pottery during the day. You don't want to waste that pass on someone that's not going to seize the opportunity. If you invite someone to class... You're also not going to give that opportunity to someone that can't handle a liquor and they're going to fuck the gig up. You want someone that can do the fucking happy medium. So you get all the fun shit by being funny. Genuinely part of the job is you have to go out and drink.

You socialise. All my friends and all the people I know and love are the people that I go out and fucking drink with. That is where, apart from our agent, Marlena, I get, I would say 50% of our work is from hanging out with people, having fun, doing gigs while drinking with other comics and bookers

and whatnot. But what Elliot is doing is very wise. I will give him that. It's smart because you can't, like I said last night, when we got a gin put in my hand by the venue manager

and then a beer put in my hand by a member of the audience, right? And you're like, all of a sudden, you're like,

fuck, now I'm obliged to have two drinks even though I've got to go home. But if you have quit drinking, you can say,

oh no, I don't drink. It's easier to do that than going, I don't fancy it. Once they've already poured it and put it in your hand,

there's a couple of things. I quit drinking, I'm driving, or I've got a fight in the diary. When I had the boxing match in the diary, that was one thing that people actually respected, is if you're training for a fight, they go, all right, cool. The only thing they were surprised with about you is the fact that you had a fight in the diary. Normally, it's just random.

It's just like, oh, Kyle's picked his target this time, as opposed to someone who yelled near him. Yeah, he's saying no to a drink because he's having a fight when normally he has a drink in there. Normally when you say I've got a fight in the diary, it means Sloss has a gig coming up where he knows someone from his old high school is coming.

Either that or Natalie's on her period. She's right there. She is right there. natalie the enigmatic natalie she's been mentioned on the podcast so much also you can't call them enigmatic anymore i think natalie and gene should do a one-off podcast all right we should just hook them up with this equipment and just set them up for as hour. As I said before, I think the podcast should be called The Men We Love and Why We Hate Them. Yeah. We should do it.

Like Natalie could talk about all the things that are shit about you. Gene could write poetry about me. Everything that's great about you. Aye. Fucking blank page. Aye. Short poem.

None of it rhymes. Danny's a cunt. Why am I here? A kai who? That's what it is. He did my joke back at us. Oh, now you know how it feels, you fucking cunt. Why am I here? A kai who? That's what it is. You did my joke back at us. Oh, now you know how it feels, you fucking cunt. You what?

What? What? Love you. Squat some more. Squat some more. Right, shall we go into our muggle corners? Yeah, I'm going to head and pause it when I get my phone because it's on charge.

Right, we're back, Danny. Are we? Yes. So we're going to do three muggle corners, three muggle corners. I will go first because I'm the most important. This is from someone on Twitter. Uh,

not got down their name. Uh, but they say muggles read retail workers badges and call them by their name. Oh, that's creepy. Hi. That's like some no that's never happened to me but i can't imagine like let's say you're working thank you clarice

you've just got your little name tag says daniel and you're just sitting there and you're just going through your day-to-day fucking business you're just trying to get through your job where you're like i'm just serving cunts and someone goes hey uh steven sorry steven with a v can i get uh three bags please thank you very much that must like especially if you're a job that is mundane when you're working with the public when you're just trying to fucking get through it that must throw you out of whack so much because your first thought isn't this person has seen my name tag you're like this person is going to kill me. Yeah, it's creepy as fuck.

Because it's like, I feel like the only way you would do it is if you are flirting, you know, on Baby Driver when he uses the name tag. But even then, it's because she's got like a dude's name tag on. For any listeners that don't know, Baby Driver is the sequel to the movie Boss Baby. Yeah. Yeah, he loses his job.

Hi. Starts working for Uber. Not. Yeah, he loses his job. Hi. Starts working for Uber. Not in London, though. Not anymore. Apparently they love rape too much. Is that what it is? I thought it was because they just ask you where you were going. When the London Uber...

This is, again, one of my ignorances. When Uber in London was banned, I was like, but why? I loved Uber yelled this straight white man and then I went on Facebook and Twitter and all these women were like, yeah Uber's fucking creepy, all these people say creepy shit

to us, they drive us to awkward places Now you mention it I had an Uber driver, the first time I ever used Uber in London, the dude text us on a regular just random shit, just like asking how I was doing and that, it was like I ever used Uber in London the dude text us on a regular. Does he? Just random shit, just like asking how I was doing

and that. It was like, you know when somebody pops up on Facebook messaging you don't know who it is. You're like, oh it's like some phishing scam or it's like a bot or some shit. Because it was the dude that dropped us off he was just like, hi how are you? I think he's come here to make friends.

Yeah, no apparently I think this is one of our many white straight male perspectives. We're like, but why? Because, yeah, as a white straight male, their messages meant fucking, like, I didn't feel threatened by them at all. It's just like, this is just a guy asking how I am. It wasn't a part of me going, fuck, this dude knows where I live. He literally knows where you fucking live. Oh, shit. Literally knows your house. If he starts creeping around my house, he'd fucking get dragged out of live. He literally knows where you fucking live. He literally knows your house.

If he starts creeping around my house, he'll fucking get dragged out of his car. I'll tell you what, if he rapes me, two stars. There's one star if I rape him. Brown star. I don't know where I went. I don't know why you went there. So, what was the so if someone could if if you work in uh like the working with the public and one of the members of public chooses to yeah they go

for your name but like it's because i mean it's like the way we got on uber was because we talked about baby driver he uses it to flirt with her the girl that he likes is working at the coffee shop he spots her name badges the wrong name badges, like Dave or fucking Andy, I can't remember. And mentions that. The reason I do think it's funny, because the second this one was sent to me, like, I am in my head, I'm so much more of a badass than I am

in real life. Like, a couple of weeks ago, I worked out that Virgin Media were charging me a bit more than my mates. Right? I haven't updated in a while. I also don't need the movies anymore. I'm on the road. Right? so what I want to do is I want to phone up and be like, hey, I want my internet put up to the speed that everyone around me is going, I also want my movies taken down, but I want the same price, I also want a bit of a discount, because I know what everyone else is getting, that is the fucking mantra I go in with, right? The second the person on the other line says their name, it's like,

Hi, my name's Brian. I'm like, oh, Brian's got kids. I just, I can't be... You're humanizing yourself. You're the face of a corporation. I'm ready to shout at Virgin. I'm like, listen, you Virgin fucks. I know you've got all this money in the world.

You can afford planes. You can afford fucking rocket ships. How fucking dare you? how fucking dare you charge me an extra 10 pound a fucking month for movies i watch once when i'm hungover and the shaggy goes hi it's brian at virgin i'm like look brian the thing is i know it's not you look like that's why i do think naming yourself is such an important thing in that business but I wouldn't like but the second they do normally I would only name them I'd be like you know what Brian they always calm me down

the second it's humanised I'll be like oh Brian I just think my deal's a bit shit is it shit give me some perspective also how are the kids how's Lucy I've not been on your Facebook what are you talking about I don't know your second name what is it if I could go on facebook type in the name brian type in occupation virgin media thing and work out where you live while we're on the phone yeah while we're on the phone as

if i would do that what is the weather like in wolverhampton so i used to wear a name tag did you yeah on your first couple of days were not like that was it when I was a lifeguard oh you did it with a first couple of times the first rescue people so my name's Kai I remember the first two tours you went out with me you went out with a big name tag just saying I'm Kai for support hi hey um during the fringe I wish people would wear name tags because sometimes I forget the names of people I've

known for years it's just because there's a social overload are you telling me you forgot the name

Linda Linda Linda so sometimes like you'll be you'll be talking to someone that

you've gigged with a bunch and you know you have and you're at the fringe and you're a bit drunk and

you're like fuck where are my trick was to go oh so what venue are you playing oh Pleasance what time 745 go to the fringe and you're a bit drunk and you're like, fuck, where are, my trick was to go, oh, so what venue are you playing? Oh, Pleasance.

What time? 7.45. Go to the bathroom and then Google one of the listeners and find them. Do you know what I did to Barry

one of the first times? Barry Casanola? Barry Casanola, one of my fucking closest mates, right? So I'd met him a few times like that,

right, where I'd met him far too many times to not know his name, right? And I knew who Barry Casanola was at this point.

He wasn't one of my closest friends at the time, but I knew who he was. Barry Casanola, at this point. He wasn't one of my closest friends at the time, but I knew who he was. Barry Casanola, the enigma. But to be fair, you also can't call the man anymore. So, I'm playing football, comedians versus critics. And to you, that was a one versus 200 people game. That must have been difficult.

Like, that must have been real difficult. Actually, you know, in that game, I scored the perfect hat-trick, left foot, right foot header. We won 4-3. Oh, no, perfect hat- in that game I scored the perfect hat-rick Left foot, right foot, header We won 4-3 Oh no Perfect hat-rick It was a perfect hat-rick

Left foot, right foot, header And open goal for me Didn't pass at any point No I didn't Yeah We won 4-3 I scored all of them No I didn't score all of them

Yeah So it could have been 5-3 Chris Martin scored the winner It was a screamer From 40 yards But nobody wrote about that So the Fest magazine put comedian

Star player Kai Humphries puts the critics To the sword To be fair anyone And I mean this from the bottom of my heart I don't think there is anyone that works for the List or Three Weeks magazine But look Suicide is a genuinely serious problem

amongst males, especially in the UK. There's a high rate. I think it's about 30% more males commit suicide than females in the UK. But if you work for the list or three weeks, do just do it. Literally just do it. You are not worth anything.

But also, that's the one advantage I find to having a girlfriend. I find very few to having a girlfriend i find very few advantages having a girlfriend but one of them is whenever i meet people i've met a thousand times before i just go oh sorry this is my girlfriend whoever and they go oh sorry hey whatever my girlfriend's name is and i get to learn people's name yeah that's how i learned your name natalie's pulling a file natalie this is my boyfriend, Kai. So, playing football against the critics, right? Do you know Late Night Gimp Fight?

No. Do some of the... Sing one of the songs. You know you're a paedophile. Oh, that is one of the songs. It is. So, Late Night Gimp Fight, the boys from Late Night Gimp Fight were playing. What do you call the one that looks like Barry?

Oh, Lee. Lee. So Lee was playing, right? And I didn't know Lee's name at the time, right? So I fucking got Lee and I got, remind me your name again because I just know you as one of the gimps. It's like, it's Barry?

It's like, oh, cool. I was like, oh, fuck, that's Barry Castanola. I was like oh fuck that's Barry Casnola to be fair Barry is one of the gimps he took it he took it, he didn't flinch sounds about right imagine that's how I'm doing

so you agree with this one then if you like calling so i think it's it's your it's a weird hierarchy thing like you are someone turning up to their job and you see their name tag and you're like you know what i'm actually pretty cooler than all these other like it's like going you must be bored of everyone just walking past you and not knowing your name. I'm going to stand out and say your name. And the person on the other side of the curtain is like, no, no, no. I like the people that just fuck off. Those are my favorite people because those are the people that mean my shift is over quicker.

And they're like, actually, Clarissa, I do like your dyed blonde hair. Muggle cunt. You know, my taxi driver was wearing a name tag the other day, and I kept calling him Det. He was called Ted, but I saw it in the mirror. I just thought, because you see Det everywhere. Not anymore. In the rear view mirror, I do.

I see my Det. What was your one? No, the name tag thing. Right, yeah. I used to wear a name tag when I was a lifeguard, if anyone called us by it. Why do to wear a name tag when I was a lifeguard. If anyone called us by it. Why do you wear a name tag as a lifeguard? Like, who's drowning?

It goes, oh, not Kai. Like, cut. The best of the way. Grim. Grim. I'm getting maxed to mouth. No, where's... Where's Gene?

Not Gene. That's an awful... That's an awful... Oh, Freudian. Where's... Let No, Gene, that's an awful... Oh, Freudian. Let's get Freudian. Do you reckon Gene's my mom? Is that why it's Freudian?

No, that's Oedipus. Freudian's like a slip, like what's really on your mind comes up. Oh, gross. That's grosser. Let it hang there. Right. So my muggle corner is graffiti. Like, not street art.

There's a big leap between random day-to-day graffiti. All right, Banksy, if you're listening, you fucking muggle. Anyone that's popping out fucking art, like most of the graffiti in Brighton is banging, right? Most of the South Bank in London, right? You've got like some shit art. It's making the street better. Most of the graffiti in Brighton is spot on. I love you, on's making us do better. Most of the graffiti in Brighton is spot on.

Denise, I love you on the Black Bridge. Yeah, most of the graffiti in Brighton is spot on, but most of the graffiti in Poland is just racist. Oh my God. It's just... People, I don't know how you can spell a symbol backwards, but somehow people have fucked up the swastika. I'm not even a fan of the Nazis.

I think that's a Korean sign for piss you fan of the nazis if anything i'll be honest with you kai i know this is controversial personally me not a fan of the nazis i know i've gone for the look but the amount of times in poland you see backwards swastikas and it's like do you want like is do you want the holocaust to go the other way around like is this like when you blow a fan from the other side? Like, you want all of the Jews and the disabled to kill the Germans? Because that's still wrong. It's still wrong.

It's still... I mean, we'd probably let it happen for a bit before we interviewed. Yeah. Just to see. No, look, my problem wasn't who was being murdered. It was the amount of murdering being done

I so basically you're saying I'm saying like any graffiti have you never I refuse to believe that you

the scummiest person I know have never written Kai for someone in a tree or on a wall perhaps in school I used to

wait I picked up a spray paint once when I was like 17 you say that as if like oh we'd finished sniffing it

and then I thought why not do some art I was um yeah and then you sneezed I went I went into the car shop

on Broadway Circle forget what it's called now Ken's Auto Parts big shout out our new sponsors actually that's it's down the way

Ken's auto parts So I went in there And I got a spray paint As if I was like A 17 year old With a new micro And I went and Started drawing glasses

On stuff Thinking that's going to be My calling card Like a pair of glasses How ginger are you Ginger That you think Specky calling cards

Like Oh do you know Who's been here It's not like When Batman Or sorry Commissioner Gordon Fires the bat know Who's been here It's not like When Batman Or sorry Commissioner Gordon Fires the bat symbol

Up in the air It's just like Oh no Oh there's criminals On the street Can we bring a ginger along To get beaten up instead Speccy guy on the loose

Yeah I would Like I did that Like I spent a day or two With a couple of my mates Just spray painting Glasses on stuff Which is muggly. I was, like, a misguided youth, right?

But, like, whenever I see just, like, that level of graffiti where someone's just done it for the sake of doing it, that's some muggle shit. It is. It's like, what are you doing? The only thing I ever remember vandalising in my life is, like, when I I was younger I used to draw like just

sketch and stuff and in my own head this is how not terrified of my parents I was, I was never scared of my parents but my parents were strict so they were good people I remember when I was like 7 years old drawing, going under my desk

and just writing the word fuck under the table, right? That was it. I was just like, yeah, rebel. In your own house? In my own house, in my own room, under my own table, writing fuck on the underside of a table. Cut to ten years later, right?

When I'm moving out, and they're moving that table out, and my mum turns it over, and she goes who wrote fucking on the table and I'm like oh it must have been Jack

I think some I think like yeah if it's street art it's very good but I do think that it's like if you've got a tag

I think anything other than street art there's so much of it like what are you especially if you're on a train are you the Dreamcast than street art and there's so much of it. Like, what are you? Especially if you're on a train and you look out the window. Are you the Dreamcast version of the Tony Hawk's game?

And that's why you're... If not, you're a fucking muggle. Yeah. You don't have a tag. Nobody gives a shit. No. Unless it's a pair of glasses, which is actually quite cool.

Become an adult, right, where your tag is the emotional damage you leave on other human beings. Yeah, graffiti people's souls, we are shit. I make them feel worse about themselves. Right, we've got time for one more each. Okay.

Okay, so I'll save my other one. This is a repeat, but I do feel like it's worth bringing back up because it is from our friend Tom at Hot Dub Time Machine. Oh, yeah. So if nobody knows Hot Dub Time Machine, it's one of the greatest names. It's an institution knows Hot Dub Time Machine, it's one of the greatest... It's an institution at the fringe. Oh, it's one of the greatest

names I've ever had. It started probably about seven or eight years ago. I might get that wrong. In brief, it starts at the 60s, right? So when you walk through the door... Sorry, it starts at a club.

It's like 60s music, like the scene from Pulp Fiction where Uma Thurman and John Travolta are getting loose, right? That's the type of music you're getting there. And then they'll bang 60s music like the scene from Pulp Fiction where Uma Thurman and John Travolta are getting loose right that's the type of music yeah getting there and then they'll

bang 60s music and every track that comes on is more recent than the last until the 70s and then they do like a new year

like the ball drops it's a time machine of music it's the best bits of all generations eventually cut to 3 in the morning they've done Fresh Prince of Bel-Air they've done like

all the 90s and they start doing the modern shit at 1.30am you're crying to Mr. Brightside by the killers right when you're in the

noughties at 10 you're like oh I mean I know some of the people stuff so I'll have a little bit of a jig so during the 60s and 70s you're

getting a lot of drinks by 1am you are absolutely fucking cunted and you're just like you see when Mr. Brightside comes on, I don't think I'll... In the 80s as well, the fucking 99 red balloons will come on and they'll just drop balloons from the ceiling and shit. It is without a doubt one of the greatest nights you will ever have. If you want to go on Facebook, you can see a short five minute documentary that me and Gareth Waugh did

when we did the biggest one they did. They'd gone from 160 seat room at Gilded Balloon on to a 7,000 standing room in Edinburgh two nights in a row. So this guy Tom Lines he's just the loveliest man that's ever existed.

And this has happened before but this is his suggestion. He says muggles request songs from djs oh my god this is one of my favorite ones and it's one of the first ones this is one of my example pieces when i'm describing what a muggle is and it's it's proof that it doesn't come from a bad place but jesus christ how plain do you have to be there is a professional man or woman on stage. They have dedicated most of their lives to working out, to spin discs, to shimmy, to work out, you know, DJ terms. Shimmy.

Shimmy. Swizzle stick. Just swizzle stick on the ball. Schmooch the kookaburra. Oh, man, they know the exact point to bring down the disco ball, these DJs. They know the exact point. They're very well.

They know when you're dropping E's. Yeah. But to go up to them midway through their set that they've worked out probably for a week and been like, do you have anything by DJ Tiesco?

Yeah, I've got a fucking rape claim. It's always like, hey, God, show me the way to amarillo it's like it's like someone put the peter k version not the original i want the peter k version i think someone could again go do one about the englishman irishman in scotland i've had that though i had a gig two years ago in edinburgh right when i'm doing the show about my dead sister, right, who, spoiler alert, pretty dead. Yeah. Right?

If you've not seen the show, she's dead. Halfway into that fucking bit where I'm going into that fucking deep personal shit, someone goes, do the gay penguins joke. I did a request from 2013. I did a fucking request from back when I used to like my audience. Way to make your audience. Aye. So, yeah, that's...

Yeah, when people request a song with a DJ, though, that... It's just so intrusive. Yeah. I'm sorry, have you ever gone on the bus and requested a stop? Yeah, could you drop me off at your door? Sorry, could you drop me off at mine, please?

That was one of your true lies. That's a lie It's also like It's in the same vein because one of the other examples I was going to give and I was going to be like Oh no people do this People go into restaurants and they go Can I have this but without this

I'm one of the pickiest eaters you know You'll admit that but whenever I order food I'll never order it without the stuff on it it makes sense the sauce because it's my job like if I don't like

something you make the thing you have a fucking job you've got 70 people to serve I'm not gonna make you fucking change your fucking recipe

if I don't like pickles you make the thing with pickles I'll pick the pickles off and I'll have see people that go in there and they're like oh sorry I didn't mean

to call you pickle I know that makes sense what did you just call me call me and I'll see people that go in there and they're like oh sorry I didn't mean to call you pickle I know that makes no sense what do you just call me call me pickle the amount of times people go in and be like oh sorry can I get

the vegetarian pizza but instead of beef sorry beef sorry instead of I'll have an extra slice of bun

oh yeah sorry can I just get it topped instead of the base can I just have a salad and instead of the pepperoni can I just get a salad? And instead of the pepperoni, can I just get goat's cheese? It's like, so you want a salad? No, no, no. I want it to be charged.

Like, if you're in a restaurant, people have told you what they are serving, right? They've told you what they're serving. If none of that fits you, you don't get to change the restaurant to your taste. You can order the thing that closely resembles the thing you like, pick the shit off it. You don't get to walk in there as if you run the fucking restaurant being like, nah, nah, nah, boys. Today we're gluten free. I've got

a dietary condition. If you've got a dietary condition, that must suck. Everything on that menu was gluten free today. Oh, it was. To the point I was just going to be awkward. Can I have the sticky toffee pudding with gluten? Can you just spaff a bunch of gluten? I'll be honest with you, sir. You're still going to show me tolerance. I the sticky toffee pudding With gluten Right Can you just spaff a bunch of gluten I'll be honest with you sir You're still going to show me tolerance

Right I don't know what gluten is But could you just spaff a bunch On the top of it All the gluten I think requesting songs Is just Like don't you

We all have favourite songs Right Yours is Yellow Submarine It's your favourite song Mate it's your favourite song Every time we're in a car The radio's not working

You go through tunnels and stuff You get a bit scared by the dark Right It's my go to happy song It's your go song. Mate, it's your favourite song. Every time we're in a car, the radio's not working, you go through tunnels and stuff, you get a bit scared by the dark, right? It's my go-to happy song. It's your go-to happy song. Like, we all live... And here, look, and it annoys me... We all live in a mug and some cream, a mug and some cream...

I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. Right. I bookmarked the thought before when you were talking about replacing bits on your food right i think mixed grill is the best meal you can possibly have right because i can't call them that anymore anything anything you say that's not a mixed grill you can turn it into a mixed grill by saying would you swap a lap with that right watch so you say your best meal is a sunday roast

right a christ Christmas dinner. Christmas dinner is my favourite meal, right? All right. All right. Okay, let me... All right, I'll swap the sprouts for sausages. I'll do this. Can I have a Christmas roast, but without my auntie there?

Cancel the auntie. Hold the auntie. Hold the auntie. Don't hold her too close. She's fucking frivolous. Tons of extra uncle. You know what I mean? He needs extra.

He's five foot six yeah but you could do that where where Chris has done that right you go oh instead of turnips do you want bacon

fucking yes 100% bacon instead of turnips are you kidding me alright I know you like roast potatoes but

what about chicken breast I do the same with sex sometimes I'm like can we have anal but without the attitude without the without the attitude? Without the 15 minutes of deliberation.

Look it's going to happen. We know that one's in. That was nice to hear that from a DJ. From a DJ so it's nice to know. I've always said that from the outside looking in. It's nice to have a genuine and a big shout out to Tom Lange from Hot Dub Time Machine if you ever get the chance

and also, I mean literally anywhere in the world. They fucking tour so go see that show. If you don't enjoy it, stop listening to the podcast. You mean nothing to me. Right.

I'm going to go in with this one. Muggles start getting on the train or getting on the tube before anyone's even trying to get off. Oh, I'm in the corner. Oh, get in the corner. You noob. What a no Oh, I'm in the corner. Oh, get in the corner. You noob.

What a noob. I'm in the corner. I've spotted so many times a day because there's a busy tube today and the door's opened and there's just a ton of people there just instantly getting on

and everyone that's trying to get off can't. Well, if you let me off, there's room for you. Aye. But from the... Did you just knock over a muggle tome as well?

It says, work like you don't need the money, like you've never been hurt dance like nobody's watching oh jesus christ i proposed to a muggle we are in kai's fiancee's flat and he just knocked over that muggle tome jesus that is like the longer version of love laugh Laugh, Live. Just with a thesaurus. Oh, it's not yet. Whose is it? It's YOLO carved into wood. I'm sorry. Natalie, from over there.

Correct me if I'm wrong. Do you or do you not have a light box that says the word Muggle Box on it? There we go. All right. Light box being one of them boxes That you put the letters on And you can write like Wine is for Tuesdays

No no it's just It's a You know how you get coke and diet coke It's like Xbox And like Okay okay Fuck you Don't roll over that

Fuck you You know what There There There You don't get to put Greg's on a decent That was a fucking riff that was

you didn't see it you know what oh Matty just put in a buzz yeah and also that was Matty's way of telling us he's not coming on the podcast

later who puts Matty in now no no let's finish it we got one more Muggle thing corner to do well let's discuss no that was it that was the people

getting on the train when people haven't in defense of Muggles because I am one of them like one of the ones. It's basic science. My priority is not you. I don't give a fuck if you get on the train.

I don't care if you go to the next stop. I want to get to the next stop. It's so dumb. It's not muggly, actually. It's stupid. It is fucking stupid and manupent. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what?

S-T-U-P-I-N-E. No, don't spell it. Just say it again. M-I-N-U-P-I-D. Stupid manupent. Right, okay. That's what I thought you said. Like, what are you...

Right, door's open. There's people coming off. You're going on. All right? It's easier to take something out to put something in, right? So you've got a cup full of water over there

right you want to make a cup of tea in it guess what don't make the cup of tea on top of the water that's already in it so what you're saying

hold on hold on I can fuck you with science here so what you're saying is when you pour out a glass of water no air goes in

before all the water comes out yeah the air goes in that's the space you fill with your body when you get out but there's still fucking water in there there's still fucking water in there.

There's still fucking water in there. No. Yes! Right, let's do this again so that you can tell if you pour out a fucking bottle of fucking... I'm willing to go through this again so you can do an action replay of you being a dumbass, right? So I've got a glass of water that I want to make a cup of tea in. It's actually a cup of water. I don't make tea in glass, I'm not a hipster.

Right, so I get my cup of water. I've got A, option one, pour the water out, make the cup of tea in the empty glass, which, granted, is full of air, which I'm going to fill with fucking tea. Right. Or, start making the cup of tea on top of the water that's in the cup. But you're saying... And then it's all spilling out and everyone's pushing it over. But what you're saying is when you pour out the tea, no air replaces that.

It's just no air. I'm not pouring tea. When you pour the tea out, when you put the water that was in the glass nowhere replaces where the tea came out that's what you're saying i'm not pouring tea out so you're filling up a tea glass with shit right let's right we we all want you to be stupid three one more time this is for the third time daniel please be stupid again right i've got a cup of water right water right i'm not pouring tea out i'm pouring water out right and i'm going to make a cup of tea in the empty cup

which is full of air that I'm going to displace with tea right make a cup of tea nom nom nom lovely cup of tea or

I'm going to leave the water in the cup and I'm going to pour the tea bag the boiling water the milk and the sugar

on top of the water and just let it all overflow all over the fucking kitchen sink right I don't make my tea in the kitchen sink

but for that particular experiment I will because I don't want to make in the kitchen sink, but for that particular experiment, I will because I don't want to make a mess because I know it's going to happen in advance because I've got four things in. No, no, but what you're saying is when you pour something into something, nothing else is displaced.

No, that's not what I'm saying. That's pretty much what you're saying. It's not what I'm saying. I'm saying the water is displaced. It fucking starts spilling over. It starts making a mess, right? So you pour pour that out so you want to scoop the tea out and then pour the water scooping shit right if you put something in something it's just stupid for the for a fourth thing man all the science look that scientist that glorious in the kitchen with me

right wait okay right right so this is a cup Right Right No but there's got to be something in it Because it's a full train No it's a full train You're saying it's a full train No no no look This is it

I'm going to do it again This is just the example I'm giving Right so that's a full train That's a cup of water Right Right I want to make a cup of tea In this cup Right

I've got two options Right I can start making the cup of tea With this full cup of water Right Kettle's boiled Tea bag's there Sugar's there I can start making the cup of tea with this full cup of water. Kettle's boiled. Tea bag's there.

Sugar's there. I can start making this cup of tea in that full cup. Or, option B, I can let the fucking passengers off the train have an empty fucking cup. Yes, it's full of air, Daniel. Yes, look. I can breathe it and live. I mean, that is actually a good point. I can make the cup of tea in that. All right, that's a fair point.

Right. Now that I saw the example Let's get Matty in so you can look smart again Right so do you agree Those muggles are in Muggle Corner I mean I am one of those muggles But yeah absolutely I don't give a shit who's getting off a train

My priority is me on that train I will fully admit it's muggly But I will fully admit that yes I'm absolutely, but I will fully admit that, yes, I'm absolutely in a muggle corner. Can we pause it for a second before we bring Matt on? So you can have a free night. Speaking of muggles, we have...

So we've got Matthew Canning, who we've mentioned several times on this podcast. Number one best man. For those of you that don't know, Matthew Canning is the backup for if something horrible or traumatic happens to me

on the day of Kyle's wedding. He's going to prepare a backup. He is the... Essentially, I'm the best man who doesn't get...

who isn't paid. All right. Are you not... I'm sorry. Are you not being paid for your best man speech? Because I'm being paid for mine. Are you not being paid for yours best man speech? Because I'm being paid for mine.

Are you not being paid for yours? Is he making a speech? Paid with love. Kind. So then, I've got two very different worlds. I've got my blithe world that I came from, where I come up from, and my home, which is my homie. And then I've got my comedy circuit world,

which Danny is the boss of boss off so he's uh they've got it they've got a um they've got a like a group each that they've got to orchestrate now we've given matty one mic and me and cream are going to share one because it could get very overwhelming if we've got it but um we're just gonna we're just gonna grill him a little bit i think all right because my to be fair, to be fair, I give you a hard time on the podcast, you give me a hard time in real life, but you and I are friends. There's been a few things that have been mentioned,

which are dubious. But to be fair, on this podcast, because you've never had room to defend yourself, it's been very much me or Kai ripping you when you've not had time. We thought it would be fair if we gave you this chance to defend yourself. That would be fair. So why have this chance to defend yourself. That would be fair.

So why have you lost so many houses to women? Through kindness. Very much a feminist. I kill them with kindness. Very much a feminist. So, Matty, I'm going to fire at you a couple of things that have happened with me and you in the past

go on then go ahead bear in mind your fiancé's in the room yep my fiancé where the first one is that

remember when me and you lived together I do remember that yeah good times good times we lived in Ashton yeah we had better times when me and Kyle lived together? I do remember that, yeah, good times We lived in Ashton We had better times when me and Kai lived together This happened when I was up

hanging out with you in Edinburgh Best time of your life, I think you said Kai Ashley It was a group In hindsight I call it my glory days because with you as a backdrop everything in my life was glorious Right, so Daniel, I'll tell you this and then I'll let it is because with you as a backdrop everything in my life was glorious.

Right, so Daniel, I'll tell you this and then I'll let Matty defend it because you have heard this story because it was happening while I was with you, right? Remember that while he was with me? Matty got a... He thinks we're partners. Oh God, I don't know what story he's going to tell. Matty got a girl back to the flat, right?

Legend! I mean, get that in early, because... It gets worse. This is the thing. He took the girl into my room because... Because, because, because... Might he just had a mattress on the floor in his room? Yeah, not so much a legend there.

Oh, shit. He was living like Eminem before Eminem was famous right so Daniel just spilled my wine so now he's going to tidy that up

I was going for the feng shui look in the spare bedroom it was very feng shui wasn't it it was very feng shui yeah

some mattress and some tissues for crying it was either the feng shui or train spot in one so I love that Natalie's coming to tuck my wine back up it's not about the spillage For crying. It was either the feng shui or transport in one.

So I love that Natalie's come to top my wine back up. It's not about the spillage. It's about the empty glass. Right. And so you got the girl in my room. Thank you, Natalie. So I'm going to leave that bit there, right? Fast forward to me getting home.

I didn't know that this had happened with Maddie, so when i get home um my bed is made and this was alarm bells for me because when i was single i did not make me fucking bed right it was just a it was just a bit of a shit tip right but my bed is pristine hospital corners that works right and what had happened in between matty getting this girl home and me coming home to my bed being made, right, was Matty got the girl into my bed, she done that and I told her, I don't usually do this. This is my vibe. And instead of Matty just going, oh, that's cool. I'm going to see you again sometime, I'm sure.

Let's just cuddle. We'll have breakfast in the morning. We'll have a chat and just be a gentleman about the fact that she's decided not to have sex, right? Could have done that. Matty the feminist. Matty is like, oh, but I could have been getting laid elsewhere. my the feminist right but it's like oh but i could have been getting laid elsewhere and then just text another bird right left here in my bed i mean legend and then fucking jove i think it was his ex's house or something maybe i don't know

right drove to this other girl's house right and spent the time with her just left a stranger in my bed in this poor girl right instead of just fucking rubbing the joint and wrecking it and leaving a fucking spray paint graffiti on the wall right

just made me bed I mean to be fair that is a story I thought you thought would make Matty come across bad but play her yeah I mean

she tidied your place don't pull any like chabs or anything like that if you want to comment on Matty's actions just go to he's on Twitter he's on at Matty the Feminist don't pull any like chabs or anything if you want to comment on Matty's actions just go to

he's on Twitter he's on at Matty the Feminist yeah I can't really sort of stick away from actions apart from the fact

that it was a long time ago yeah I mean okay we got that so that was maybe more of a legend yeah let's get it a little bit harder oh god You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean... Okay, we've got that one.

So that was maybe more of a legend, yeah? Let's go a little bit harder. Oh, God. Can I request a story? Is it the Facebook story? No, no, don't ever tell that one on the podcast. That one's not coming on here. No, no, no, the one I request is the finger story. The finger story?

Oh, that's worse. Oh, that's worse. Oh, that's worse. Yeah, this is a bit of a dog act. This is a bit of a dog act. I'm going to do the both, but I think that's the topper. I think that's the topper. Mate, I'm going to tell that one last. I'm going to quickly go over Matty's threesome etiquette.

One time, me and Matty, single boys, boys, boys, boys. Boys, boys, boys. I had a threesome. I had a threesome etiquette right one time me and Matty single boys boys boys boys boys boys boys we had a threesome we had a threesome right Matty couldn't get a hard on just for the listeners it wasn't me lovely lady

back at the hotel put on a bit of Wu-Tang put on a bit of Wu-Tang racked up a couple of lines of Meow Meow like I'm not lying we put on Wu-Tang and racked up Meow Meow yeah of Meow Meow like I'm not lying we put on Wu-Tang and racked up Meow Meow

yeah just so you know I honestly thought that was quite the script no no no not a bit racked up Meow Meow put on Wu-Tang

just so everyone on the podcast knows I've got nothing to do with this alright so Matt Matt you couldn't get a boner

you blamed it on the Meow Meow yeah as science does yeah but I'll put it down So, Matt, you couldn't get a boner. You blamed it on the meow meow. Yeah, as science does. But I put it down to stage fright because he was scared because I was there. Yeah, because you're so big. And also because you'd made a stage. So, I was a good boy.

I went for a shower. So, I'm having a shower, having a little sing-along. Just, I really, I will not interrupt at any point during the story anymore. You're doing it now? But this is the last part. I just want to let listeners know because the listeners are on my side where this is the worst story I've ever seen. Oh, it's depraved.

No, but for you... These are the ones I'm telling. But I just want the listeners to know that not even the parties involved condone the actions of water about oh yeah I'm sorry however it was now a final six hours was it

six hours six hours it took you to get a hold on weird thing is I got a hold on when she left can I just say it was a great day it was a hold on when she left can I just say it was a great day it was a fantastic day it was a great day not for humanity

so I went out the room sorry into the bathroom in the hotel so Matty could try and sort himself out and when I come back

sure enough he had and he's well thumbed in a softie he's thumbed in a softie he was perpendicular to the lovely lady

it was like pushing a marshmallow through a keyhole. So she's lying flat. He's lying, like, he's on his knees. So upright between our legs, right? And I come in, and with a little bit of distance between me and my few. One thing I would say is, yeah, I've got my hand on the headboard. Sure.

He's got his hand on the headboard, right? Little purchase. And then I come in, and he takes his hand off the headboard. Sure. He's got his hand on the headboard, right? Paul Purchase. And then I come in and he takes his hand off the handboard and he gets to the back of my legs. Sorry you have to hear this, Natalie.

So, so sorry. Still marry me. Do I not get an apology? Sorry, no. Everyone listen. Everyone listen. Why are you still listening? So I go,

torso apart. I'm getting a blowjob. He's having sex. We are a torso apart. The fact that you refer to the woman as a torso is not strong. No, we are. I'm just talking about the distance apart from each other, right? We are from hips to shoulders apart.

Hips to shoulders. We've got a whole leech. We don't need to touch each other. With a whole leech? We don't need to touch each other. With a whole leech? We're facing the same way. This is acceptable. No, it's factual, though. That doesn't make it acceptable.

Can I just say it is acceptable because she was having a fantastic time. Yeah, well... I'm having a fun time, so I'm trying to fold up. This is where I fucking put my hand down time this is where I fucking put my hand down and this is where I say I'm a feminist

it's the fact that you think this is unacceptable because it's one girl with two guys, you're like oh my god if this was a guy with two girls you'd be like oh that's a fucking dude what a guy, but you can't just say that girl's getting his I reckon any girl that gets her in both ways is good for her hers. Oh no, I reckon any girl that gets her in both ways

is good for her, but all I'm saying is any girl that gets her in both ways from you two... That's what I'm saying is... Right, so, let's paint this picture real quick again. Torsor apart, face in the same direction. I've got the headboard now. Matty's hand firmly claps on

my shoulder. My shoulder. It starts using me for leverage, Daniel. It starts using me for... Tell me that's not wrong. I don't know what opinion you want me to have. I mean, in my defence, I kind of lost my balance. You had a couple of drinks.

And we know what he's like after a couple of drinks. A couple of drinks, a couple of lanes. And we know what he's like after a couple of drinks. A couple of drinks, a couple of lines. Lost my headboard. You know, if a man loses his headboard, you know what it's like. Got to find a new one. Which happened to be your shoulder. Matty, I don't know if you know the physics of the situation, right? But you using me for leverage was pulling me in your direction

so I had to fight against the pull to not end up making a triangle with you, just my shoulders into your chest solid workout head to head, cheek to cheek so what you're saying is you don't hug during threesomes not him but me

I mean you'd never Natalie's asked you that the answer's no right yeah so yeah fair enough in hindsight there might have been

an error of judgement but there's been people who have been on my side for this who've said you pinched my headboard get them on the phone

I can't hear you bluff I pinched your headboard It's a euphemism Because I heard halfway through He was about to come And then you pinched his headboard And he was fine I thought you had stronger shoulders

I mean you were carrying us all three So I mean you were carrying us all three so Shall we move on to the jokes? Oh yeah we're running out of time aren't we? We'll have to get Matt on again because I've got more where that came from Look if you enjoyed Matt in the podcast you can't tweet him because he's private because he's scared

but you can let us know whether you enjoyed Matt on the podcast. You can't tweet him because he's private because he's scared. But you can let us know whether you enjoyed Matty on the podcast and if we get enough responses, we'll absolutely have him back on. But I will as Matty, you know me very well. I never want to give you compliments. No, you don't. I never do. But you are genuinely

a funny person, which is why we haven't cut you out of your dad jokes. We reckon you're fully capable of doing ten dad jokes a week. Got ten solid ones, I think. All right, so in that case, I'll let Kai go. We'll go from Kai to me to you. We'll do a run-up. Matty, your dad started awkward 50 deep WhatsApp group to say hi guys, new number. Kai,

your dad dabs after he's finished the starters. MD. Danny, your dad tells people that he plays the banjo and when they ask you to improve it, he pulls out his dicks and starts wanking. Wait, Matty, your dad still wears

his wedding dress for day-to-day stuff like washing the car. Matty, your dad's back is the entire works of Shakespeare done in braille. Guy, your dad told the jury it wasn't possible for him to commit rape because he can't pronounce his R's.

Wape. Because he can't pronounce his O's. Weep. Your dad... Danny, this is for you. Your dad started an online petition to make it compulsory for women to shut the fuck up. Oh, yeah, well, once, Kai, I was in a restaurant with your dad and a table was uneven. And before I managed to fold up a coaster to fix the gap

he just stuck his tongue under the chair like it went Is that realistic? Well Danny, your dad uses a hair dryer on his cock before sex and calls it a warm welcome Can you get a hard on though? Your dad can you get a hard on though well your dad Matty your dad

wears his glasses during sex so he can read your mum's tattoos come here Matty your dad went on the dark net to buy Crocs

savage your dad Danny cut a glory hole in the shower when he used to bath his kids Crocs. Savage. Your dad, Danny, cut a glory hole in the shower when he used to bath his kids. Danny, your dad's gay doll has his phone battery on 1% by 7am. Kai, your dad's got his labia pierced. To be fair, he doesn't know what his labia pierced To be fair he doesn't know

His labia is He just thinks it's his nipples Kai Your dad employs a hype manager in sex Heyo That's what I'm Linda Linda take that dick

Linda Hey Matty Your dad got a red card playing Sunday League football for being sexually aggressive Matt your dad got thrown out of Ikea for dressing up as a chair so a woman would sit on him Danny when your dad was a kid

he attached a bit of string or a curry bag and they called it a kite. Danny, your dad eats pussy with a knife and fork. Kai, your dad gained a watch when he did a DIY prostate exam. Kai, your dad uses a spice rack for his flavoured lube. Wait, Matty, your dad cried at the end of Notebook,

but he cries at the end of every movie because he's got to go back to his normal life. Matty, your dad vapes your mum's tears. Well, Danny, your dad's spirit animal is Reek from Game of Thrones It's also his Patronus Danny your dad boxes in the living room when he watches the boxing but he also shadow swims when he's watching Jaws

Guy your dad dances like no he's watching Jaws. Kai, your dad dances like no one's watching, eats like no one is watching, shops like no one is watching, no one watches ever. God, he's so alone. Kai, your dad tells people he's got criminal record for SPH, self-bodied harm. Your dad bites his lips

seductively when you tell him you love him. Matty, when your mum got a terminal diagnosis at the hospital, your dad did the greatest Michael Jackson impression I've ever seen. And by that I mean he fucked a kid. Then Moon walked out of there. Well, Danny, your dad only goes to Bifa for the water park.

Holds his nose like Elliot Steele. Elliot Steele's dad's son holds his nose on a water slide. Oh, my God. Go one more. Kai, your dad is a side quest on The Sims. Your dad grabs his mate's shoulder during threesomes. A bit of leverage.

Well, that brings us to the end of this podcast. In fact, first of all, we would like to thank Marty Canick for being on the podcast. Yes. Thank you very much.

Do you want to plug anything? What do I do next at work? Tell them what do you next at work. Come to Santander, Camberley on Monday morning 9 o'clock I'll be there, any requests investments, protection, pensions and if you want to tweet me and Daniel about who you really think the best man is

I'll prepare them and also if you have enjoyed my podcast please genuinely do let us know as always always, give us positive feedbacks on Twitter. I think we will get Muggins and Cream separate Christmas jumpers. We'll get merch,

something to buy for the competition. We'll get onto that for Christmas. We should get Christmas jumpers made. We'll make a site each, but we'll promise to each other that we won't get family members to buy specific ones. We'll do a site each, but we'll promise to each other that we won't get family members to buy specific ones. We'll do a genuine competition and we'll probably do

any profits above what it costs to make we'll give to some kid with AIDS or whatever. But we are on tour next week. We are in Prague and then we are in Vienna

then we are in fucking somewhere else go on DanielSloss.com to find our tour dates you can catch Kai if you have sex with him you can catch me on Twitter contagious

right I think I think we're Peter we're out now so let's say goodbye after three bye